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lovesickeros · 7 months

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☆ even the gods bleed [ pt 2 ]

{☆} characters furina, neuvillette {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings none {☆} word count 1.9k {☆} previous [ 1 ]

This had to be a punishment of some sort – some kind of divine punishment.

She was bored out of her mind just watching the sleeping body – she hadn't blinked once in the past five hours, her eyes were really starting to hurt. Yet they still hadn't moved so much as an inch since she sequestered them away to the only place she had known to be safe.

But it'd been almost a week since then.

The only solace she found was that Teyvat had seemed much less hellbent on collapsing in on itself like a dying star.

That counted for something.

Not much, but something!

..Even if their position was no better then it was a week ago.

There was, after all, still the issue of what to do about the false Creator – the actual imposter – and the Archons following them like blind lambs. The other Archons wouldn't listen if she tried to reason with them, and it would only risk the life of Divine One if she spoke of their location to anyone else.

She also was pretty fond of having her head still attached to her shoulders.

So she avoided them all together. Partially because she wasn't sure she wouldn't have a breakdown at the sight of them..she'd never been a fighter, and fighting an Archon? Easy pass.

Instead she was forced to babysit the sleeping Divine until they woke up while Neuvillette handled taking care of the nation and dealing with the other Archons – and by extension the false Creator.

Really though, she would almost think them dead if not for the subtle rise and fall of their chest.

Though..this also left her with a lot of time to herself. A lot of time to think.

She really didn't like it.

There wasn't a lot to occupy her mind and what little there was only distracted her for a scant few moments before her eyes drifted back to the Divine like she was locked in their orbit, unable to escape.

She closed the same book for the twelfth time – she kept count – and returned it to it's meticulously designed place within her bookcase. A low, barely audible huff of frustration escaped her lips before she could bite it down, her stare boring a hole into the body of the Divine One with a sharp intensity she rarely showed.

She was tired, bored and constantly on edge, fearing that at any moment someone would find out about their presence here.

That, at the drop of a hat, she would be powerless to stop the greatest tragedy of her time play out before her eyes.

Neuvillette would have scolded her for being so petulant, especially around the Divine One, if he were here.

But he wasn't.

He was out running her nation, instead.

And what was she doing? Nothing!

She grit her teeth, nails digging harshly into the palm of her hands as she took a deep breath – now was not the time to think about that. She had..much more pressing matters. Sulking and letting her thoughts spiral helped no one, least of all herself.

Yet her attention was caught by a harsh inhale, the rustle of fabric – were they finally waking up? She was exhausted, but it all vanished at the sudden drop of life within the otherwise deathly still body of the Divine.

Her eyes followed the subtle twitch of their fingers, watching as their brow furrowed and their features twisted in something almost like..pain.

..She wasn't ready.

What was she supposed to say?

Should she even say anything? Would that be considered impolite? Does she wait for them to speak first? Should she kneel? Bow?

She doesn't get much time to find her own answer before their lashes flutter, chest heaving with every strangled breath. Every single thought vanishes from her mind the moment she meets their eyes.

For a long, silent moment she thinks that her heart must have stopped.

Their eyes glow like the cresting of the sun over the horizon, painting the world in hues of gold – yet it also reminded her of the dipping of the moon below the waves, casting the briefest, most gentle of lights upon the world engulfed in darkness. In the depths of their eyes was the birth and death of stars in the infinite cosmos – glittering stars in a sea of empty, blank space that left her feeling lightheaded and breathless.

Beneath the splendor is a spark of recognition in their eyes so vibrant it was like a shooting star piercing through the dark night sky, leaving nothing but the wonder in the eyes of the observer as the only proof it ever existed – brilliant in it's beauty, however brief.

It is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.

"Focalors?"

The lilt of their voice nearly made her knees buckle beneath her – euphoria so consuming it left her feeling she was starving swallowed her whole, her mind blanking in a moment of utter bliss. It was..an indescribable feeling that she doubted she could ever hope to put into words – not in a way that could properly express it, try as she might.

She swallowed the words that threatened to spill from her lips – she couldn't make a fool of herself. Not in front of them of all people. She'd never forgive herself.

"Divine One," She rasps, clearing her throat and covering her mouth with a hand to mask both her nervousness and the small smile that creeps across her face. She quickly regains her composure, hand resting on her hip as she puffs out her chest with every bit of pride she can manage. "I am sure you must be confused, but worry not– your most loyal acolyte has seen the truth!"

The silence is deafening.

She opens one eye, peaking at the bewildered and almost distraught expression of the Divine.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

That..she was not prepared for. Surely they knew who they were! Surely they knew. They had to– she's been praying to them for as long as she's breathed, she's dedicated every hour of her life to living up to their ideals, they can't just–!

"Lady Furina?"

Neuvillette, thankfully, spares her the embarrassment of having a meltdown in front of the Divine, the gentle rap of his knuckles against the door making her and the Divine pause, the soft lull of his voice soothing her nerves and yet setting her on edge at the same time.

"Neuvillette." She clears her throat again, her steps hurried as she marches to the door and pries it open none too gently, a forced smile pulling at her lips. She wastes no time tugging the man into the room, shutting the door behind him with a short huff. The silence is, somehow, even worse then before as the three of them stare at each other in absolute exasperation.

Neuvillette, for his part, manages to get his act together with a sharp clearing of his throat, bowing so low even she looks unnerved. She steals a brief glance at the Divine, and she's taken aback by the uncomfortability twisting their features into a grimace.

Their expression is schooled back into one of empty apathy when he stands back to his full height, but she saw it – she knows she did! Did they not like their worship? Were they not respectful enough? For a moment, she feared the Divine would smite Neuvillette down on the spot..but they just stared at him like he was a ghost.

"Why aren't you killing me?"

The defeated, resigned tone combined with the way their voice cracks makes her heart ache in her chest – it feels as though her entire world is crumbling down at her feet, and she cannot explain why she feels such emotions so strongly, but it is suffocating. It is almost as if Teyvat itself is weeping, bearing down upon her shoulders like a heavy weight.

She feels the urge to weep herself, but she powers through, gritting her teeth long enough for Neuvillette to take his place at the side of her – though it feels more like their – bed, kneeling like he was going to pray.

"Divine One," He offers a hand with a quiet rumble of his voice, the words slipping off his tongue like honey. It's like trying to soothe a stray cat..though she'd never voice such comparisons of the most Divine out loud. "I..we mean you no harm. I swear on my authority as the Iudex of Fontaine and Chief Justice that you are safe with us."

The skepticism she expected, but the reverence in which Neuvillette must convince them – or perhaps they are simply so tired that they simply did not care any longer if it was all some ploy to drive a knife between their ribs. She didn't expect them to actually place their hand in Neuvillette's.

He didn't either, judging by the way he visibly brightened – not that they'd notice, but she did.

..Not that she could really blame him, her heels clicking against the floorboards as she shifted her weight to the other foot with a nervous energy that was practically bursting at the seams, more then a little jealous of the attention he was receiving. She was the one who found them, she was the one who stayed with them the entire time..but he gets all the attention?

How unfair.

"O-of course! We would never lay a hand on our creator," She adds, her voice a little higher pitched then she would have liked as she placed her hands on her hips, puffing out her chest and brushing off the sting of jealousy. "Least of all I– your most loyal, most devout acolyte!"

She felt baffled when she heard the sound of their laughter, her shoulders hunching and her cheeks flushing on mere instinct – she was expecting mockery, but the look in their eyes, still dulled by a pain she cannot even begin to imagine, made her hesitate.

..It was, perhaps, the most genuine thing she'd heard from them ever since before the hunt began.

She wasn't sure why her heart hurt at such an idea, but it was enthralling to see the beginnings of a half hearted smile on their lips.

For a moment, her mask of theatrics was forgotten as she stared at them in a mixture of awe and adoration– and though she didn't look at Neuvillette, she could imagine he must've shared such an expression.

Had she any doubts that they were her Creator, that they alone were the most Divine..they would wiped clean now. There was no mistaking the way the world itself seemed to grow clearer as they glanced up at her like she was worth something.

For a moment, she realized how cold the false Creators gaze had been now that she has felt warmth so gentle it almost made her knees buckle beneath her. It felt like a pale imitation, now.

Nothing could compare to the warmth that spread through her body at the mere semblance of a smile upon their lips. She didn't even mind if it was her they were laughing at anymore, she just wanted to hear them laugh again.

She'd make a fool of herself, if she had to.

She'd never felt so..ravenous for such a thing, but just the briefest glimpse was addictive.

She simply couldn't help herself from striding across the room and clasping their free hand in her own, her smile wide enough to unnerve as she leaned her weight onto the bed. For a moment, she considered pulling away at the way they startled, but her mind was made up by then – there was no going back.

"Again."

#sagau #genshin sagau #self aware genshin #genshin impact sagau #self aware genshin impact #fic tag #neuvillette #focalors #furina #dont ask what happened here idk #this was. also supposed 2 be neuvi focused and then i.#dont talk 2 me abt focalors i wont ever shut up #got a 300k word essay on hand abt how i feel abt her character/how i interpret her personality and her story #focalors jsut like me fr fr (cries at the slightest inconvenience or the slightest mean comment)#shes so pathetic girlfail im gonna chew on her #what happens when reader gets stuck with two emotionally repressed french bastards?? hell #neuvi is the “emotionless” flavor of emotionally repressed in that hes HORRIBLE at showing emotions at all #ask him to smile and its incredibly unnerving and theres too many teeth but hes trying his best please call him pretty or he will cry :(#furina is the flavor of emotionally repressed where she makes it up by having Too Many emotions #using theatrics and masks to show everyone what they want to see but inside this girl is a MESS #constant anxiety and panic 24/7 #will do random shit and look at you and if u dont compliment her she will think u hate her and cry #compliment her and she'll do even stupider shit to try and impress you more #i love my scrunkly little babies they r so stupid and mentally ill someone get these bitches some THERAPY #i want 2 put them under a microscope #watch this be ooc fr furina when more of her lore drops if shes not girlfail im leaving #anyway see u in a week im going on a trip ill get back 2 u in 6-7 business days

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spielzeugkaiser · 10 months

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Been feeling the 'Jaskier upset with Geralt' angst train lately if this prompt interests you

I read the word 'angst' and instantly went on board- honestly Jaskier deserves to be angry with Geralt. What always makes me go *chef's kiss* in those scenarios is that Jaskier is upset, but he doesn't want Geralt to be hurt! He always looks out for him 🥺🥺 I made Jaskier and angry-crier, because I haven't tormented my man enough. Also Jaskier being able to actually show how upset he is and Geralts self worth issues of 'distancing himself when he thinks he isn't wanted' FIGHT-

#geraskier #jaskier #geralt of rivia #the witcher #geralt x jaskier #me sitting back here and thinking about scenarios with them actually having a row #I can see it being not easy to navigate because I see Geralt being very very bad at those if he doesn't have the security #that the other one will come back / that he is wanted?#it's me thinking back to the book scene with yen and istredd again and ofc his mum #listen their relationship (if you take it as friendship or more) has always the potential for bone deep devotion but also for being SO messy #that's what I'm here forrrrr #will Jaskier defend Geralt? alwaysalwaysalways #will geralt sit with his bare ass on a nest of scorpions for Jaskier? doesn't even have to think about for a sec #do they have healthy communication skills? HELL NO #but do they better with each other than anyone else because they do have a profound understanding of each other? hell yeah!!#look at me after all that time #still invested 😔

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yangjeongin · 8 months

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HYUNJIN | 230910 • MIC & BRUSH @ 5-STAR DOME TOUR 2023 OSAKA

#hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #stray kids #bystay #createskz #malegroupsnet #a9gifs #*gif #*ccarly #*hyunjin #*carly:hyunjin #if you tried to gif this. you know #these are uglier than usual because everything was just straight magenta before like fully magenta.#so i fished him out of magenta hell and this is what we got #the things i do for this guy that doesn't even know me #me: hyunjin look at what i did to post these silly little moving images of you #hyunjin probably: okay but why. look at this portrait of a dandelion i painted during the time you took to make that #a solid case of i did it just to do it and sunk cost fallacy converging in a gifset

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hellenhighwater · 3 months

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Have you taken any pottery classes or were you entirely self taught? I REALLY want to get into it but classes are quite expensive

I took some sculpting in undergrad, but it was in the context of casting and mold-making, not ceramics. So I'm fairly comfortable with clay as a medium but not so much with clay as an end product--not being able to do armatures and having to think about firing is weird. (If I had the opportunity to do bronze casting again, though, I would, no hesitation.) That puts me in the minority of my current pottery peers, who are largely self-taught or only learned in our studio.

I do pottery now at a co-op studio space, and technically that means that I'm taking classes there--but the classes are more like guided lab time? There's not really assignments or anything, and there's only a couple other people who sculpt, none of whom are in my class. Mostly the class just means that the person in charge demonstrates a technique or two once a week and then lets us do our thing.

Personally I think that shared studio space is the absolute best way to go. You spend less in startup costs (kilns are EXPENSIVE, running kilns is expensive, glaze is expensive) and it plugs you directly in to a group of fellow artists who can help and support you at whatever skill level you're at. Yes, classes are expensive--my class is $250 per season. But for me that includes lab space, 50 lbs of clay per season, almost all of the glaze I use, kiln time, and other people doing all the maintenance and kiln loading/unloading etc. Very much money well spent.

Artist-run shared spaces are often not turning a profit on anything with studio fees, just covering operations costs, so while it's pricey, it generally is just...what it costs to do that hobby. And it is sooooo much easier to be motivated when you're going to what is, basically, Grown-Up Art Club.

But if costs are prohibitive for you to do pottery via classes, and you want to learn to sculpt, then get some polymer clay and see what you can do. It's a different game than actual clay, but form is form, and the medium is secondary to figuring out how to translate an idea into reality.

Polymer clay is relatively affordable and doesn't require nearly the infrastructure of ceramics. If you can't spend the money on classes or a shared studio, then polymer clay is a great way to develop technique and an eye so that when you're in a position to spend the money, you already have the skills to make it worth what you're spending.

#most people who have home pottery studios are either in a position to easily afford that #or are selling their work at a caliber to justify the expenses of making the studio space #which is not what will happen when you are starting out.#pottery is far and away my most expensive hobby and that means #that when it's done #the Minotaur series is going to get sold #probably for as much as I think i can get for it #and probably that means I am going to have to Find A Gallery and Submit Work To Gallery and be #in short #in hell. i have not had to think about doing gallery submissions in so long #and i am dreading it.#anyway if anyone knows a gallery in like. michigan or chicago and can hook me up #i have some sad cows that need homes #i kind of want to keep my sad cow mans forever but also where would i even put them? better to be treasured by someone else #and maybe i will make one extra sad cow. for me.

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mudstoneabyss · 2 years

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keep seeing posts about that one playlist posts and I've decided you all make character playlists wrong. they're not about being 100% accurate or sounding cohesive they're about putting any and every song that so much as reminds you of that character and, most importantly, having fun

#seriously do you guys not put songs that don't even remotely fit the character but inexplicably remind you the character in playlists?#what about ones where the lyrics dont fit but the song tune or style or tone does?#or the meaning doesn't fit but the imagery that meaning is told with does?#what about songs that have associations to how they're used in media that fit a character but the song itself doesn't #gets kinda mad about this sorry im just. shut up they dont need to be pretty or cohesive or perfect what the hell are you all talking about #if youre a perfectionist about your playlists thats a you problem leave me out of it #joyousposting #arrow pointing at me. guy who is like the opposite of a perfectionist and gets frustrated with stuff like that. who give a shit

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sepia-stained-sunset · 9 months

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You know what, we deserve a Brentwood Academy Reunion mini comic where Tim brings Bernard along and all the other guys keep sending him pitying looks because they think the poor guy should be warned that Tim will never catch onto his feelings for him.

And Bernard is like, "um, why is everyone giving me so much sympathy?" And Tim's like, "what are you talking about?" And then people literally pat him on his shoulder and tell him that they "get it" and they've "been through this too"

Bernard: What are you talking about??

Some guy from Brentwood: It's okay, man. It's practically a rite of passage at this point. You're here with Tim Drake as just a friend, right?

Tim, who heard that: Um, no? Bernard's my date

Literally everyone there: What.

Tim: Uh...yeah? He's my boyfriend

Everyone: *squeeze their wine glasses so hard they literally shatter*

#danny: how did you even get him to realise it was a date??#Bernard: got kidnapped. he was rescuing me and i said i felt bad i'd left our date midway. he wouldn't have figured out otherwise #danny: so you just needed to spell it out for him???? that's all i needed to do??? you're saying i had a shot???#tim: *joining them* a shot at what?#danny: at you!!#tim: a shot at me? wait. wait are you saying you wanted to assassinate me?? danny what the hell??#danny: see what i mean??!#bernard: *gives him a sympathetic pat on his shoulders*#tim drake #bernard dowd #timbern #timbern headcanon #tim drake headcanon

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todayisafridaynight · 29 days

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#ryu ga gotoku #rgg #yakuza series #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza like a dragon #yakuza 7 #daigo dojima #ryo aoki #masato arakawa #snap sketches #im annoyed looking at this jaGELARKGJ #I LIKE MY LNIE ART BUT .... just nthing was clicking with me rtying to shade this #i only meant for this to be a quick thing today but i ended up mulling over it for longer than i wanted so im just throwing it out there #every time i make a rendered drawing of aokis office it always dark as hell like bro PLEASE you have a lamp #theres like ONE instance where i dont make it dark and it was in that goofy Rumor Mill comic #LIKE EVEN THAT COMIC ABOUT ARAKAWA BEING DEAD IT'S DAYTIME YET I STILL MADE IT DARK VJLAKJVAE #ridiculosu.#moving on ive wanted to draw them playing chess for months i just kept. Not Knowing How To Do It #whats funny is that i initially was planning an entirely different thing but i was thinking about that too much i got stressed #so . thats why i worked on this. and then i got stressed over this 💀💀💀#speaking of chess ive always wanted a chessboard birthday cake with edible pieces .. that a lotta work tho ...#i love chess ... am i good at it probably not but i still lke to play it on my phone sometimes ..#guess ill work on that other thing now that im free and i know what i wanna do now that ive slept on it ... lol ...#mk bye i dont like rendering

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pensymbols · 1 month

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ah yes the brook/franky/robin/jimbei polycule also known as the babysitters also known as monkey d luffys biggest enablers

#robin does it bcz she thinks everything he does is amusing #brook opperates on the same vein but also knows he cant stop luffy #franky opperates on this is what he deserves and also knowing damn well he cant stop luffy even if he tried to #jimbei actively thinks luffy deserves the best and only the best #like hell stop luffy from doing absolutely insane crazy ass shit thatll get him killed for sure but like everything else is fair game #thinking abt the scene where bege was like we need to focus on the plan he cant be asleep and jimbei was like he needs his rest 🤨🤨#hes just a boy and hes sleepy let luffy rest ill wake him up 🤨🤨🤨#also that scene in dressrosa when franky was like luffy you can join the torunament ONLY if you hide ur identity promise me that #anyways i love them #nico robin #jimbei #jinbei #jinbe #franky #soul king brook #brook one piece #one piece #frobin #jinbrook #jimbrook #ill be so honest guys idk what the others ship names are im sorry #paradise polycule

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bonetrousledbones · 4 months

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so when are we gonna start appreciating undertale AUs for fueling a metric fuck ton of the creativity and longevity of the fandom because if i see one more person calling them the cringiest part of the last 8 years i might lose it

#trousled rants #been feeling a bit salty about this for a while but im letting it out now because i Can #but its insane seein ppl say “oh the fandom's mellowed out a lot its way more peaceful now” and agreeing bc it IS #and then “yeah now that AUs aren't so popular anymore its way more bearable” and its like :) okay #and if i told you that fan game you've been talking about for the past month is an au. what then #sighsghs its just like man i GET that a lot of aus are just edgy for the sake of it but shit dude!!! people were just having fun!!!!!#a lot of them were an avenue for ppl learning how to make their own stories!! even if they're not perfect or in character #making a shit ton of papyrus aus is one of the main things that helped me realize how much i love character design #and i KNOWWWW i'm not the only one and youre trying to tell me that's not awesome as hell!!!!!#yeah i probably i have nostalgia glasses but maybe i do kinda miss when everybody was a bit more insane actually . maybe i do #undertale

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trentcrimminallybeautiful · 8 months

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densitywell · 3 months

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there's nothing orym would ask of the other hells that he wouldn't do himself, which is sort of the problem, really

#critical role #cr spoilers #orym of the air ashari #bells hells #if you don’t have a homegrown curse you can use to your advantage (moon powers) storebought is fine (deal with a hag)!#and its not even sunk cost fallacy or feeling like he needs to make the deal worth it i think. this is just what he feels is necessary #and its his own self worth and the value he places on his own life vs the importance of this cause. reflected back on the others #how the rest of the hells have adopted this mindset but with wavering conviction and doubt - not really fitting quite right #while it fits orym like a glove. bc that's who he is. it's what he's been taught. bc this conflict is his past and his present #and as far as he's considered it. his future!#me this morning: i will not get back into orymposting. orymposting is the mind killer.#me now:#eta: i guess this could be disputed by him saying fearne would have to be the one to take imogen out pre-solstice.#but i've always seen that as a purely practical 'who would actually be capable of doing this' issue as opposed to sentimentality.#he was fully ready to cut dorian in exu. however he may feel about the act his resolve is not an issue!

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stuckinapril · 7 months

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I’m happy for the little life I built for myself

#there’s a lot of ways to go #i am nowhere NEAR the dream life I really want to attain #or the dream person I want to be #but high school me #hell even freshman in college me #would GAWK at the life I have so deliberately made happen.#the solid network of friends I have #the confidence I’m slowly but surely growing into #the discipline I’m harvesting bit by bit. i do not claim perfection but I am 100% improving #I’m just happy idk! i don’t compare myself at all now bc I know I’m on the right track #especially compared to where I was like 5 years ago. such a different mind state from now #and no one can take that away from me #there’s a lot more to go. a lot more. but I thought I’d pause and be intentionally grateful for what has been accomplished #bc it actually puts things into perspective to look at the past rather than just look to the present. it creates contentment #i get so caught up being hard on myself for not accomplishing certain things yet #that I forget I pulled myself out of such a deep rut by the skin of my teeth #and that’s important to keep in mind even as you progress to your goals #anyway <333 happy content in my own lane etc etc #p

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butchspace · 7 months

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I guess I kind of just use this account for PSAs now, and this has been on my mind a lot lately.

I figured out that I have OCD a few years ago, and recently I’ve seen a lot of bad advice around dealing with intrusive thoughts and obsessions.

There’s that post that goes around occasionally about “taking pictures of your oven knobs before you leave” or other things I’ve seen that say to “make a weird face when you lock your door.” THESE ARE COMPULSIONS. If you have/suspect you have OCD or you often struggle with things like that, please do not follow this advice. Instead, try to accept your intrusive thoughts and move on, not argue with them. Over time, they will get easier and easier to deal with. Ruminating, stressing, or arguing with them just makes them worse in the long run.

If you think you might have OCD and want to seek a specialist, the IOCDF’s home page has a lot of resources under the “find help” tab, including a locator.

I’m going to put the rest under a read-more because I’m going to talk a bit more in depth about intrusive thoughts and compulsions. This mostly because good OCD info is so sparse on line, and I’ve spent many hours compulsively researching OCD lmao.

Content warning:

discussion of unreality/doubting one’s own perception

discussion of specific compulsions

I’m not going to push this point too hard or shame anyone who doesn’t want to follow it, because OCD doesn’t really just go away. It’s a constant struggle. I give in to compulsions regularly, even though I am medicated and have seen a specialist to learn actual coping skills. It’s hard to resist sometimes and you don’t always have the energy, the awareness, or the power to ignore them. You do what you have to do to get through your day. The main difference is that the right medication and the right therapist make it easier to stay out of the spiral and to leave a spiral when you’re in one. They still happen. You still kind of have to play everything by ear.

Similarly, it is super fucking hard to get help or even get diagnosed. No regular therapist actually knows what the fuck it looks like, and specialists are few and far between and often don’t take insurance. It’s not fair or easy or necessarily productive to try and do exposure response prevention on yourself. Your “good coping skills” can even turn into an obsession or compulsion, where you’re constantly worried about what is an intrusive thought and what is not, or if you’re responding to them properly.

What I want to do is try to give at least some useful advice to people who are struggling with intrusive thoughts.

The best way to respond to them is not at all. This is especially true with OCD, because the response to them is sort of the root of this disorder. Sometimes, it’s recommended that with depression or anxiety you challenge your thoughts. In OCD, it’s the opposite. Challenging them can so easily lead you down a compulsion spiral. (More about that cycle from a professional.)

Compulsions can be entirely mental, but I’ll use a common behavioral one to look at how engaging with compulsions can go:

You start by taking a picture of the your stove knobs to make sure they’re all off. That works for a few hours or days, but then you start wondering if the knob is ever-so-slightly in the “on” position. You wonder if the picture proves they’re off enough. You forget to take the picture at all, and have to go back in to check anyways. You check your phone a few times before leaving to ensure that the picture is still there. You take several pictures because you can’t tell if you actually took any at all. You start to wonder if you can even trust what you see before your very eyes. What if you’re just imagining that the knobs are set to off? What if you’re just imagining the whole picture to begin with? The picture allows you to engage with your checking compulsion throughout the day, strengthening the connection between the intrusive thought and the urgency to do something about it. That means it gets worse. That means you find new ways to doubt your perception or your memory or whatever.

It can eventually get really bad. It’s hard and awful to try and deal with this on your own, but sometimes you have to.

It’s so shit. It’s so fucking shit how long many people suffer with mental illness without even knowing what’s going on. I didn’t know that my constant, overwhelming guilt over almost everything I’d ever thought or said or done or maybe did and couldn’t remember was the result of a disorder. It was so freeing to realize there was actually something that might help me, and I could learn to just live with myself and my weird ass thoughts that don’t necessarily mean anything at all. It’s so shit that OCD-awareness is so low among therapists. I was never going to get diagnosed until I found an OCD SPECIALIST (bold, italicized, all caps. Don’t trust people on psychology today who just put OCD in the list of what they treat.) and went over the Y-BOCS with her. It’s all so shit that several therapists I came to with textbook examples of OCD either ignored me or didn’t have the tools to help. I told one of them I “didn’t feel connected to reality” and he kind just went 🤷.

I just want everyone who is in that/a similar situation to at least have this information available to them.

If you want to learn more, these blogs from Sheppard Pratt were the best discussion of OCD I found online that really described what I was going through. They’re written by licensed therapists, several (all?) of whom live with OCD. They’re very healing to read if this is something you’re struggling with, or something you think you might be struggling with, and great in general if you want to learn more about OCD.

Whatever’s going on, OCD or not, have some grace with yourself. Take a few minutes today and do something kind for yourself, even just think one nice thing about yourself. You’re doing the best you can.

#actually ocd #ocd #ocd awareness #do with this what you will but I stresses me the hell out when I see people #uncritically reblog posts suggesting new compulsions to people #because they worked on me and made my ocd worse #im sure a lot of those suggestions came from others with ocd so I’m not trying to come after anyone about this #I just feel like I don’t see a lot of discussion about this stuff in general and even in the notes on those posts

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