#me circa 2015 tbh

[soapskneebrace]

cod gotta be hands down the worst fandom i ever participated in bruh

I’m sorry you’re having a bad time. Unfortunately all large fandoms are going to have the same or similar negative aspects to them. Your experience will improve if you cultivate your own individual corner of fandom; follow people who share your tastes and principles and don’t go into the general tags too much. Block ruthlessly. Try to focus on the parts you enjoy rather than the parts that make you angry. It can be good, but it takes work. Good luck!

#answered #tbh nothing beats dragon age circa 2015 for worst fandom for me

[yousaytomato]

I wish I was experiencing the sexy manic reckless side of mental illness and not the slimy melty brain is cotton wool type rn

#woes of emily #/j ?? /hj #i know its awful too but atleast something happens #i wish i was at the point where not being able to do anything actually results in not caring about anything #which somehow results in being able to do things again #i wonder if any long time mutuals remember that this is basically how my blog was circa 2015 lol #and i suppose somehow i recovered that time #but also. i was younger #and i was seeing my friends everyday and going to college and making plans for uni #like. i knew something big was going to change #i suppose i could go back to uni. but tbh. i dont think i want to #i kept seeing adverts to go and work in a hotel with board in rural Scotland #like. i feel like something like that would either fix me or kill me #negative #ask to tag #err #mental health #??

[transmasclittledestiny]

Nobody asked for this but I saw this tweet and just had to post ideas about it

Sir Dadadoo X Reader headcanons(?)

I think he'd definitely leave little marks after his kisses

Similar to the marks from an octopus latching it's tentacles on you

He goes on for a big kiss and now you have a big mark on your face

It's worse when it's on the lips though...

You look straight out of the Kylie Jenner lip challenge circa 2015

He probably bites a little when he kisses you tbh

It's kinda unavoidable since his teeth are very sharp and obvious

The little baby dadadoos/naughty ones probably don't like the idea of you being with their dad and will try to bite you

But it's ok they warm up eventually!

Sir Dadadoo probably had to get pissy at them for almost killing you though

If you ever got a cut or other type of bleeding wound, he'd probably be glued to you

Either to make you feel better or to lick the blood

When he first saw you he probably just thought "another threat to my plans" but when he really got a look at you, he was like "a romantically appealing threat to my plans"

Toxic doomed couple /j

The relationship definitely started off rocky cuz of the lore in the game but he softened up a bit eventually and then was like "huh, is this love? Maybe I'll act on it."

You probably thought he was gonna kill you when he started scooting closer and closer but then he just kinda, looked at you funny

"Hello? Do you need something? Are you trying to kill me in some weird telepathic way?"

"No, I just don't know what to say to you"

"...Ok then"

Then he pulls out a drawing of a flower

They don't have real ones down there I think

It's endearing but also confusing a bit cuz you don't know what he means????

Then he just grabs your hand and you think he's gonna eat you and swallow you whole but he just leans in and leans a big kiss mark on it

"Oh"

"Is something wrong?"

"No just, didn't expect whatever that was..."

"It was a kiss, a sign of affection"

Awkward silence for a bit cuz nether of you know what to say

Then you speak up like

"So, why did you do that?"

"Kisses are signs of affection for those you love, right?"

"Oh!"

#garten of banban x reader #garten of banban #garten of banban 6 #garten of banban 6 x reader #Sir Dadadoo #Sir Dadadoo x reader #sorry i like him #funny leech

[immortalarizona]

“They say looks can kill, and I might try.” — Taylor Swift, “Vigilante Shit”

an outfit for my beloved Wanda if she ends up going to the 2024 Hellfire Gala (if there is one at all tbh)!! I wasn't personally a fan of her 2023 look, so I decided to try my hand at designing a look of my own despite knowing jack shit about fashion. design breakdown, inspiration photos, and just general rambling under the cut :)

main inspo:

top row: left by REEM ACRA, right by unknown

middle row: sketches by Kevin Wada

bottom row: garments by Zita Moldovan (website)

--

hehe, this is the part where I ramble about my design process!! I will confess, it took me four full sketches before I finally managed to purge the "high fantasy fairy queen dress" brainrot from my mind and arrive at a concept that actually felt like Wanda. given that as of her 2023 solo run, she's a self-employed business owner, a twist on a suit felt appropriate!! it's elegant, it's dramatic, it's sexy, it's powerful, and it's also a garment that, like, real people could wear?? which, I know this is a comic book and she also has magic, but, like. girl deserves a fit that's also reasonably comfortable. girl deserves pockets (I didn't showcase them, but the pants absolutely have humongous magic pockets.) talking fabric, I will confess that I really don't know much, but I picture the red fabric being pretty thick silk and the black fabric possibly being velvet? the shoes are beaded pretty much all over with the same crystal material as the crown.

as I continued to refine my concept, I looked to Kevin Wada's 2015 redesign for Wanda's last solo run for more inspiration. that's how I arrived at concepts such as the use of beaded accessories, floral embroidery, and especially the plunging neckline. I also knew I wanted to pay homage to Wanda's heritage without being stereotypical, so I decided to look to Zita Moldovan, a Romani designer whose site is linked above, to see how she incorporated her culture into her work. (as an aside, there's this other dress from her Romany Dreams collection that I would LOVE to draw Wanda in at some point, but that was not this project. maybe soon.) the dress I included in my (very, very trimmed down) inspo board was my primary reference as I drew the pattern for the pant part of the pantsuit. (I attempted multiple versions where the pattern was in color, but it wound up looking really muddy, so I opted for the slightly more subtle version you see here.) the pose for the final piece doesn't showcase the epaulette well (or the crown pin, which was another reference to the Kevin Wada design), so here's a bonus sketch that came out of the "design" part of this whole project that shows them both better:

anyone who has followed my art knows that I generally draw my Wanda with a high ponytail, but I decided to spice things up and draw her with a half-up like she has circa Uncanny Avengers #27 (this is when she and Jericho are being so very sweet together). the golden hoop earrings are another thing I carried over from my general Wanda design, and the makeup is just a quick thing I came up with on the fly. it's not the spiciest, I know, but I decided there was enough going on elsewhere that she didn't need a crazy makeup look as well. the full-finger ring is specifically a reference to her very first appearance in X-Men #4, where she calls upon her power by pointing her right index finger. I thought it would be cool to accentuate that finger as a result!!

and there you have it--a tribute to Kevin Wada and Zita Moldovan from an artist who knows nothing about fashion but does have severe enough blorbo brainrot to attempt to design an outfit regardless :D

shoutout to @jookpubstock for once again enabling my shenanigans :)

#ari does art #marvel #scarlet witch #wanda maximoff #romani wanda maximoff #jewish wanda maximoff #alba flores as wanda maximoff #marvel fanart #hellfire gala #digital art #artists on tumblr

[idsfantasy]

Isn’t it just so strange seeing things from the old Fnaf fandom days? Like our impressions of the characters where just so different, the thought of Purple guy being a sympathetic character that pulls at the heartstrings is just well, preposterous now! I mean my goodness the things with Vincent is just so funny to me now! Him being a heartthrob back in the day for being a flirt and having a dark past, is just oh my goodness they really are different characters completely. And the thought of putting modern day William in those moments instead and having him get the same like Circa 2015 reaction is even more hilarious to me! It’s just so out of place.

Hope you have a good day! :D

Tbh I still get a bunch of comments on videos trying to make canon Purple Guy out to be a sympathetic character, so it hasn't changed for everyone in that respect pbklsdf

But yeah, it's really interesting to see how fandom perceptions shift over time XD

I hope you have a good day as well :D

#fnaf #five nights at freddy's #william afton #vincent fnaf #fnaf vincent #purple guy #fnaf purple guy #answered asks

[purpleyin]

A post about Freddy Carter in the 2016 play CIRCA, with some info about the play in here too.

If you repost pics from this elsewhere please remember to:

a) credit the photographer/photo source

and

b) mention me as having found them (I'm purpleyindom on insta if anyone reposts there) since it took a fair bit of time/effort to research this play.

Photo sources: tratcliffe15, 2 -__circa & 3 - the VAULTS performance crowdfunder page and others sources mentioned later

The play was written by Tom Ratcliffe who is friends with Freddy - he was at Oxford Drama School with Freddy, as well as starring in "The Wars of the Roses" (Rose Theatre) with him in 2015.

CIRCA was first performed as a sell-out research & development showing at the Old Red Lion Theatre, Islington in November 2015. After that a crowdfunding campaign was started to raise money for putting on the world premiere of the play in Amsterdam.

10 minutes of CIRCA were also performed as part of Wildcard Theatre's Christmas fundraiser December 1st 2015, with Freddy playing The First Love and Tom Ratcliffe playing The Young Man, and Jamie Jackson directing. Photographer: Ali Wright

Rehearsals for Amsterdam, with director Eleanor Clare Taylor in the 1st pic. Freddy plays The First Love.

Photo source: __circa

The Amsterdam performance happened 8th January 2016 as part of Festival Contact at the Theater de Meervaart. Some behind the scene shots + some more from the performance itself (EDIT: the lefthand side sofa pic I'd included is actually from the 2015 London performance instead - the righthand side one is the Amsterdam set).

Photo sources: - tratcliffe15, - JennieWestbrook, Rikki Beadle-Blair

Following Amsterdam, another crowdfunding campaign was started to raise money for the plays UK première as part of 2016 Pride in London. Here's pics for the readthrough, rehearsals & preview show. Freddy plays The First Love and The Younger Man.

Photo source: __circa

The play ran June 21st-25th, directed by Joe Allan, performed at The VAULTS, Waterloo. As mentioned by a londontheatre1, the actors changed into dark clothes to double up as stagehands like in pic 5. As far as I can tell there's no public recordings of the play, just a very brief insta reel of applause for one of the shows.

Photo sources: - tratcliffe15 , eskijoe + poster design & some pics by Eitan Bernat

CIRCA had another run in March 2019 - for 4 weeks this time - again at The Old Red Lion Theatre, with a smaller cast of 5: Antony Gabriel, Daniel Abelson, Jenna Fincken, Joseph Rowe, and Thomas Flynn. Maybe CIRCA will return sometime potentially but it seems unlikely it would be with Freddy again. I very much wish I could see it tbh but I'll probably have to satisfy myself buying the script sometime.

Photographer Lidia Crisafulli

For anyone curious about the play more generally, Tom Ratcliffe has interviews about the 2019 run linked on his website under 'Press' further down on his writer's CV page. There are reviews for the 2016 Vaults performance here. CIRCA is also published, and there were some quotes from the play released as part of promo tweets - they're behind the read more.

"That’s what everyone says isn't it? Gay men shag everything. Disease and all that. My mum, when I came out, the first thing she said to me was ‘don’t get AIDS'...But things are different now. They’ll be different for us." 

"Have you ever played the Game of Life?"

"Most people get to be happy with just one person. I don't see why I should have it any different."

"You have this thing where you don't let it define you... I'm not going to apologise"

"Everybody loves a drag queen but nobody will ever love a drag queen"

"No one sleeps with one person forever. You can't be so naive."

"This must be a dream."

#freddy carter #circa #uk theatre #lgbtq+ characters #circa 2016 #i wanted this to be better researched and referenced but ended up having to rush posting it so apologies for any mistakes #looks like the website went down between writing and posting this but I added the wayback link #the script book is now sold out so no reading it for me

[swordfright]

10 11 18 and 25 hehehe

10.) Write in silence or with background noise? With people or alone?

I used to be able to write with super heavy background noise/music but I can’t anymore because my focus issues have been so, so bad since quarantine. And I guess I prefer to write alone, but it’s also really nice to sit down at a cafe or library with people around.

11.) What aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started?

Oh god, I have no idea. I hope I’m a more restrained writer than I used to be, but tbh I feel like I still really struggle with exercising any kind of restraint so uh. Get wrecked @ me lol

18.) Were there any works you read that affected you so much they influenced your writing style? What were they?

Oh man. Um. I used to be really into a book series called “Johannes Cabal the Necromancer” (shut UP i do NOT have a type) and I loved how the author dealt with deeply emotional topics in a way that felt brutally unsentimental, so that’s a thing I’ve attempted to replicate. I also spent hella time lurking ‘round the Silm fandom circa 2015-2018 and godddd, there are so many incredible writers doing insane shit with the canon, it’s so fucking cool. Silm fic raised me okay don’t even try to talk to me about Silm it’ll turn into garbled nonsense (but if you ever want to dip your toes in, do ask me for recs!)

Also I guess “The Unspoken Name” by A.K. Larkwood slaps and made me realize contemporary adult high fantasy can be good sometimes actually. At times I’ve consciously tried to mimic the combo of decorous language + irreverent modern-sounding dialogue, for sure, though not with much success 🥴

25.) Copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph you’re particularly proud of?

I hope you realize how difficult it was to find anything in my drafts that you haven’t already read (Aaron has behind-the-scenes privileges lmfao)

#snippet tag #asks #fic asks

[sentimentalconviction]

when i was 13 (circa end of 2014/early 2015) we had this project in school to create our own poetry books. we had to figure out how to put them together and create fake publishing pages and make dedications with no instructions other than a specific number of poems/which types of poems needed to be in it.

me? i learned how to bind books by hand and then made a whole poetry book just to set it on fire and turn in sort of crispy. i got a perfect score on it and got to show it to my entire class.

as an adult, i agree that it was really good, but i also feel like i should have been sent to the counselor tbh. i’m going to make a little chain here of my favorite pieces from that book. i think most of the good ones are blackout poems. this is author in conflict.

[krlpng]

11/11/22 11:39 PM

So hi, today, tonight rather I've finally had the energy to start my online journal which I'd been contemplating doing for a while now. It's around 11pm I just kind of woken up from a nap T.T did not know what else to do, not in the mood to watch any series/movie, don't have the attention span for that rn lol currently listening to The 1975 newest album - All I need to hear currently playing suddenly it feels like circa 2015 all over again haha listening to the best artist and starting to blog. So yea, I don't really know why I wanted to do this maybe something to look back when I'm older and busier??? lol bcos I honestly wish I had something like this when I was a bit younger #StudentDiary lol Nothing exciting really happened today, did my 3 weeks due laundry and I think that's all. Btw I had a winning trade today - hit my target TP after a series of unfortunate trades for the past few days lol Still learning never knew that it would be this hard honestly but yea, I really want this to work - I don't think I can do anything else already aside from this. I've also been contemplating whether to going to Blackpink's Concert or not (As if sure akong makakabili me ng tix lol) - this thought of contemplation whether if should go or not is very not like me tbh given that I'm such their fangirl right now lol I've been also binge-watching there old shows and vlives for the past weeks now. The only thing I did the whole Nov long weekend. It was fun tho. So yea, this is all bcos of adulting stuff so many bills to pay, so much wants and needs. Who would've thought I would be this broke after almost 5 years of working??? Idk, I just know God let me in this situation to learn a lesson. I hope I'll be able to learn whatever lesson it is. My Cat Kiyo just came near me and touched me while I'm typing so my reflex is to shrug it off which I did and now she went away and lay in front of their litter box to sleep T.T, and my other cat Kiko just came near me as well in my bed and just stared at me looking like she's contemplating if he should disturb me or not,,, so cuuuuuuteee!! he's always been. that respectful whenever she wants my attention but sees me doing something else <3 Kiko is following Kiyo right now hahaha she's being very clingy right now so I yea I think time to give her some love bye folks lol not sure if this is it or I'll add something else later or edit this before going to sleep but I really want this raw and very personal. So yeah see yah when I see yah hahaha ;">

[confusedvolleyball]

This has probably been done before, oops

#my stuff #tma #wtnv #tpp #taz #wolf 359 #the magnus archives #welcome to night vale #the penumbra podcast #the adventure zone #podcasts #trans #gnc #me circa 2015 tbh

[battotoro]

An abstract assignment back in 2015 that I managed to get away with drawing fanart

"Breaking Apart"

#the concept was if garnet unfused during keep it together ep #steven universe #garnet #su fanart #su #the required random component i did was which pieces were different colors #i did cheat a bit tho lol #though cutting it and then coloring was painfully foolish tbh #yall that cluster episode fucked me up #nightmare fuel #fueled me to create this #body horror #circa 2015

[lookslikedaylight]

full offence but the way that trends and aesthetics have a return period of 5 years now makes me insane. and there’s no other meaning behind them other than a copy for pure aesthetic value. i feel like at least when i was a teen there was actually some intent+creation behind aesthetic(fashion) trends but now it’s just “vintage” and it was only 6 years ago! idk maybe it’s just the extremely rapid pace which things spread at due to all these kids being plugged into the world wide web 24/7. how the fuck do i feel so old at 21. i guess i am now that old bitch complaining how it was better back then lmao

#seeing how the grunge/alt/emo circa 2012-2015 make a resurgence feels so hollow and makes me sad tbh

[iamsensitive]

last week was my blogs 7 year anniversary.... that is fucking wild i made this blog when i was fucking 14 and now I’m turning 22 literally the concept of time is so FUCKED

#anyway ive grown so much n im glad its w yall and the amount of friends and memories ive made on here is insane #and i feel bad for ppl yhat will never experience tumblr circa 2012-2015 tbh #i love u bitches even if yall dont give af abt me anymkre 💕 #im rly close to my p*riod so this sentimental shit comjng out OK ANYWAY ITS 4AM GNITE

[inacatastrophicmind]

sorry if this is intruding and you don't want to answer it, but i saw your tags and was wondering how did you come out accidentally? like i'm generally curious cuz i'm not out to anyone irk and i'm always so cautious about what i say

Don't worry it's fine!

This happened circa 2015. I was having supper with my best friend and some other 2 guys from our uni class and another guy who was a childhood friend of one of them. So basically, my best friend, two guys I knew from class and a random stranger.

If I'm not wrong it was near pride, and one of the guys was super homophobic (I quickly cut contact with him because he's a fucking piece of shit), and he was complaining about straight people not having a flag, so I quickly said "Yes, you straight people have a fucking flag"

Everyone turned to look at me and someone said "You straight people?"

I kept quiet for a few seconds, realizing that I had obviously stated that I wasn't straight, so I scoffed and said "Yeah, I'm not straight"

One guy said "I knew it! You're a lesbian!"

And I said "No, I'm not"

"So bisexual then?" another dude said

"Nope. I'm asexual"

They all felt silent for a moment and after a couple of seconds, all but my best friend who didn't say anything (he was still in the closet by that time, something I found out two years ago, so who knows what was going through his head at that moment), the guys I knew from uni started laughing as if I were joking and then the conversation moved on, like it was not such a big deal.

Even my best friend thought I was joking, he didn't fully believe I was ace until a year later, lol. I was so casual about it and nobody expected me to be ace, that it was not such a big deal, which I'm kind of grateful, tbh.

So that's my accidental coming out story.

#anonymous #my answers #about me

[waitingforminjae]

back by unpopular demand, my thoughts on taemin's advice mv:

first of all this tumbnail slaps

i love the classical piano intro that's very iconic and mood-making of him 😌 show off ur basic piano skills king!

he's giving raven cycle/secret history/six of crows aesthetic tumblr edit circa 2015

love that for him!

this "ay you" part is stylistically lifted STRAIGHT from yunho's thank u...........shinee tvxq clones confirmed 😌

if there's one thing taemin's gonna give u it's neat complex footwork

also i still don't know how i feel abt the hair...........like yeah it's objectively terrible quality but idk it kinda works for some reason 😔

the introduction of highly saturated (?) red after the cold whiteness of the first 50 seconds is shocking (complimentary)

if there's another thing taemin's gonna give u it's intericate hand choreo

WAIT ARE HIS HANDS COVERED IN BLOOD OMG

WAIT NO IT'S DIRT

i feel like most pre-enlistment songs r like rlly sweet like "i love u u make my life better pls don't forget me while i'm at war 🥺" but advice is like "i'm a bad bitch and i'm just getting started and there's nothing u can do abt it 😏😎😌"

"ay you, looking for something to gossip about" vs jonghyun's "i’m just here and they give me something to rip apart, thanks i guess, once that wears out, just switch to a different story i guess," in hashtag

the car crash directly parallels the famous mv omg but also pyn and flame of love

we love car crash symbolism to show someone's dangerous and impulsive and unhinged

WAIT THIS IS CORRUPTED TAEMIN OMG

(referring to my post/theory abt innocence vs corruption in taemin's work and how there's two taemin's: an innocent one and a corrupted one)

him floating suspended like the door performance from the 2018 Sirius tour

the checkered outfit reminds me of that one outfit from the 2kids teasers/mv

there's actually so many callbacks lol

MOVE TANKTOP???????????

the way that scanned down and replaced current taemin w this blatant move era reference is *chef's kiss*

the white crop top tracksuit outfit is SO GOOD

actually this whole choreo in that tracksuit is so gender-blending like the hip choreo when he rolls his hips to this like weird hip isolation/thrusting move that transitions to a crotch grab like.................

if move was like elegant gender then this is messy gender

OKAY U OVERDRAMATIC CATHOLIC WHORE

also the way he started off covered in black but ends covered in white on top of the black is.........a Choice

lee taemin never disappoints tbh he's always gonna deliver smth that demands a reaction instead of like......just doing choreo in a couple rooms and walking around kadkfjddjskflglhjkl

in conclusion stan one of the greatest pop artists alive rn stan taemin <3

#taemin #lee taemin #personally i liked it better than atlantis and don't call me 😔 #but I'm not here to start an argument in the tags kfsjfjsfkdlglhljkl #shinee #p: taemin #i should've tagged all these #my reactions in general lol #rc reacts #rc reacts to taemin

[sunlightandsuffering]

Prompt : they are both famous and secretly dating.

tbh I don't know what this is or if it makes any sense at all, so sorry anon for butchering ur prompt, but I'm a basic bitch and I like my drake, so like this is gonna be pain bcuz my favourite song on the new album is just pain and I can't stop thinking about a fucked up celebs relationship to it, just ANGST AND PAIN!! 😭😭 but those lyrics hit, can't believe I wrote a song fic ugh circa Tumblr 2015 jfc I'mma write a happier ending to this in another prompt 😂 bc someone else asked for the same thing.

Fucking Fans

I'm still working on me

Eren stands at the Met Gala, holding Mikasa by the waist, giving a cramped smile for photos and keeping her close. People call their names and cameras flash and his beloved blinks, hiding her face into his shoulder as the lights overwhelm her.

He looks down at her lovingly as some jackass reporter yells about a cheating rumour and her pretty face pinches up. Eren is quick to comfort her with his touch, both hands gripping her waist reassuringly as he decides it's time for them to go inside.

"Come on Miki," he kisses her forehead and she nods, accepting. Neither of them wants to think about those rumours, the damage and the pain they bring up is too much and it's all his fault, he knows, but he can't undo it.

The guilt eats at him and she holds his hand tighter, the despair takes him and she cuddles him at night.

They're together now but sometimes Eren wonders just how it happened, how he came back from falling so far. How she took him back when he fucked up so massively.

And I'm coming back better for you

The day he shows up on her door step again is the day of the biggest awards show of the season, the one he knows she's going to kill and probably sweep several categories. Just because she's that amazing. He finds her where he expects, in her apartment, the address Armin gave him, doing her own hair and makeup, humble Mikasa just like always, ironing out her own dress. He shows up in a suit with as many white roses as he can fit into a bouquet and ready to leave if she still hates him, which she has every right to.

But he's been through months of therapy, gave Armin control of his bank account, and check himself into rehab thrice, every time he was even inching closer to relapse.

He's not fixed, but he's better, marginally, and he wants her to know it, know he still loves her at the very least.

She opens the door, beautiful even without makeup, and wearing a white slip and her pretty red mouth parts in shock.

All he can do is hold out his roses as tears leave his eyes at seeing her for the first time in months.

Most times it was my selfishness and your helplessness that I took advantage of

It was so easy with Mikasa, she was so devoted to him. So loving and sweet, always there for him.

She'd wait up, let him do what he wanted, never wanting to stifle or control him. Too afraid their tenuous relationship would crack and they'd break up.

A part of him blames her for it, for being so willing to let him do what he wanted. She'd been passive, unsure how to insert herself, had minimal complaints, letting him ruin his life party by party, late night after late night, drugs and alcohol all of it.

But he knows he can never hold her accountable for his own actions, and the day she's finally done with his bullshit is both the best and worst day of his life. She finally says no, and it begins his path to fixing himself. Because hitting rock bottom is losing the most important thing in his life, and that's Mikasa.

You sit in the house and I be out and I know you're worried, up

The problem with her passivity is he knows it's not passivity at all, she just doesn't know what to do, how to fix him. Eren has always had a temper, and she's known him for a long time, knows he'll lash out and behave worse if provoked. So she'd reacted as best she could, leaving rehab pamphlets out, asking him to stay in and watch movies, bake with her, anything other than going out to party.

But he'd stumble home every night and see her asleep on the couch, waiting. Always there to pick him up instead of a cab, not wanting the paparazzi to get a hold of him, she was always there.

And you try and block it out

They lived in a bubble, they pretended it didn't happen. They didn't acknowledge when he was too hungover to shoot the next morning. She'd brew him coffee, get him through the day, flush his drug stash when they checked, both his saving grace and biggest enabler.

Even when he's kissing her for more than just an on-screen kiss, lips drinking her in like a man starved, and the next morning she finds new girls in his bed, she keeps quiet.

They're a mess, but every time she dutifully kicks the girls out and drags him to the shower.

I'm so sorry for letting you down

When he'd first become famous, he hadn't known what to do with himself. He'd been scouted for how many movies, tv-shows, underwear commercials, brand deals. It was a whirlwind as Hollywood found their new boy wonder, handsome, smart and a nice boy.

His best friend, and female love interest in their debut movie, Mikasa, who had followed him to Hollywood on nothing more than a whim, was equally bombarded with fame and fortune. They'd always been close, always best friends, but never quite more, no matter how much they both obviously wanted it. It never progressed beyond a few acted kisses.

Still, they got an apartment together, and Eren had thought it was the start of something great, he was living the dream. Rich and famous with his best friend, the girl he'd secretly loved since he was young.

He'd been content just to stay up late and watch movies with her before work, to visit her on set and bring her donuts. They were Hollywood's shining stars, two kids sickeningly sweet in love even though they weren't officially dating, they were as good as.

At the advice of his agent, he'd started doing more, started picking up a few other gigs on the side, modelling, but he kept it small, he didn't want to overwhelm himself, and he still wanted time for Mikasa.

It had gone well, they'd taken fame okay, and Eren had been proud, neither of them had a sex-scandal or a pregnancy scare yet. They'd even been inching towards finally being something more than just friends, a few heated looks, some on-stage kisses to finally get the ball rolling.

Then Mikasa had been cast in an upcoming romance movie and her love interest hadn't been Eren, it had been Jean.

That had been the start of his spiral.

He'd never meant for it to get so far out of control, how many movies he started doing, how many promotions. Meanwhile Mikasa, smart, brilliant Mikasa stuck with smaller projects and only ever one at a time, preferring to keep close to their apartment. He was all she had, and she was all he wanted.

Nights when I just needed to hold somebody

He misses her, lays in bed awake at night thinking about her, how long it’s been, when was the last time he saw the curve of her face in person and not in a washed-out picture on a magazine. Girls in and out of his apartment, trying to fill the empty void inside him, and nothing works, nothing ever works. Because he’d fucked it up, said he didn’t need her, told her he could do it on his own, fame wouldn’t take him. Called each other names, every one in the book, screaming matches over stupid shit, if he should take that job, what she was doing with Jean, how she was eating, if she was eating enough.

The toxicity was palpable in their apartment until finally Mikasa just left and he broke.

Feeling overwhelmed, should've told somebody

Fame takes him like a drug addiction, actually it comes with a drug addiction, heroine, cocaine, molly, all of it. In trying to ditch his Hollywood’s sweetheart, good boy image he diverts his life so radically he doesn’t know if he can ever get back to where he was. He loses weight, barely gets by, he doesn’t even understand how he’s still getting booked, but people want him even more now that he’s Hollywood’s bad boy. Meanwhile Mikasa is disgraced now that he’s ‘thrown her away’ even though it was the other way around. Last he heard she lived in a little apartment on the upper east side, leaves only to work, and to fly up to see their families. He hasn’t seen his parents in months, doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want to see the look in their eyes when they realize how skinny he’s gotten, how his body lacks muscle, skin barely clinging to bone, gaunt and lifeless.

He needs help, but he’s spiraling, he’s committed and no matter how many times Armin tries to get him into rehab, he never goes. What’s the point Mikasa is gone, he’s not getting her back, all he has now is the money, the drugs, and the women.

Picturin' it's me sending chills through your body

He hears she’s dating Jean now and somehow, he gets worse.

Every fear he’d ever had comes to life and he gets angry, his temper coming back full force. The past few months he’d barely been getting by, not really living, but his rage awakens him. She’d told him no, that they weren’t dating, never so much as kissed outside of work. What a fucking lie.

How many girls he takes home that month he doesn’t know, how many paparazzi photos of women leaving his apartment, how he dreams it’s Mikasa under him, not some rando.

He sees her on the cover of some magazine, walking innocently with Jean and it sends him into even more of a rage, but under it all he wishes it was him, doesn’t matter that they were never official, that it only happened a few times, he wants her back. But Eren’s never been good at navigating his emotions, so he clings to his rage like a lifeline.

I just probably should've chilled 'til I saw you

When they ask about her in interviews, he doesn’t answer. Not until that once, when he lets it slip and he watches Armin wilt in real time from behind the camera as he spits the words, “I think it’s obvious, she’s with Jean now isn’t she, right after she was with me, figure it out yourself.”

The insinuation is lethal, cruel, mean and he knows it’s not true, but he says it anyway. He knows she didn't do it, but still the coincidence hurts too much, the very thought that there might have been something romantic going on with them before makes him want to throw up.

The interviewer looks shocked before he brightens up at the tidbit of information, like a vulture picking apart the last pieces of his heart, massacring it further, but Eren doesn’t mind the pain anymore. It fuels his rage and that’s all he has these days.

How am I supposed to get to know somebody?

When the rage wears off months later and Mikasa has done nothing, no comment on his interviews, no appearances, no angry texts, just silence, he becomes numb. Then the sadness sets in, because losing her romantically isn’t even the worst part, he doesn’t even have his best friend anymore, he’s lost her too.

She’s become a recluse, a hermit, he hasn’t even seen her with Jean on the magazine covers lately. Distantly he knows it’s because their movie is finished filming, and she was probably never dating him in the first place.

He goes to awards shows in hopes of at least catching a glimpse but she’s gone into hiding, there’s rumours she’s back in their hometown, but he’d never visit, not with the disgrace he’s become. He tries to date seriously, tries to talk to other actresses, but it’s all so vacant, disingenuous. All they want him for is his image, there’s nothing real about these women anymore, everything is fake, plastic right down to their boobs. Nothing like Mikasa, who was pure to her core, even in the face of her fame.

If we broke it off then you know it wasn't painless

He'd cried for weeks after she'd ended it, despite it being entirely his fault.

Armin had cancelled all his engagements and Eren hadn't left the apartment, curling himself up on her empty mattress, her room a barren wasteland.

He'd only eaten when Armin forced him too, and only come out of his hibernation after his mother had called to yell, Armin holding the phone right in his ear, the first time he'd spoken to her in forever.

If she got a watch then you know it's not a stainless

He’s got money, but it means nothing. Mikasa has money too, it doesn’t even matter. What has it all been for? He doesn’t even know anymore. All he’s gotten from his acting career is trust issues, more money than he knows what do with and the loss of his best friend and the only girl he’s ever loved.

It’s all a blur now, he acts, he models, he does PR. Armin makes him a schedule and he follows it. They meet with his nutritionist and his personal trainer, and he starts working out again, eating real food, not just smoking, and drinking coffee to supress his appetite.

Armin is the only reason he’s still a functioning human being as Eren hits rock bottom. The only one left to try and push him out.

I was out here fucking fans, I was shameless

He knows he fucked up, it’s why he starts therapy.

The shit he’d done, high off his own fame and arrogance, it’s messed up and he he knows it now. All the girls, all the money and the drugs, ignoring Mikasa’s concerns, dragging her down with him.

He doesn’t blame her now, he knows none of it was fair, she was justified in leaving. They were toxic, their half on, half off relationship, how he'd commit to the drugs but never her.

He can still remember the first time he kissed her, really kissed her, Eren and Mikasa not two characters on screen. It was after their first awards show for their movie, he’d been so excited, so delightfully sober, he couldn’t help himself, she’d been so pretty in her white dress, he’d leaned down before he could stop himself. The first night they’d had sex, her moans, her soft cries of pleasure, nothing had ever measured up since.

It had been bliss, for about a month or so and then they’d really been discovered, and it had all been shot to hell.

All the fans, all the women throwing themselves at him, his eyes couldn’t help but wander despite Mikasa always being the most radiant in the room. He had her love, he’d had everything, but that insidious voice in the back of his head had wondered. Thought the grass was greener on the other side, wanting to explore fame at the same time they’d finally started their relationship.

You was at the crib reading stories that they sent you

They’d kept it casual at Eren’s insistence and Mikasa’s heartbreak, his rock had been willing to allow it for him, for the chance to finally explore their relationship. But he could see how much it hurt her, the tabloids were the worst part, every day a new cover, another apartment he’d leave, another hookup in the parking lot. And he could barely justify it to himself, why he did it, why he continued to do it? He had everything he could ever want in Mikasa, the girl he’d loved since forever, finally in the palm of his hand, willing to give herself wholly to him.

And yet fame had called him more, and the people he was hanging out with only encouraged it, the famous lifestyle, drugs, sex and rock and roll.

Everyone was doing it, so why shouldn’t he?

Most of that was bullshit but some of it I did do

The rumours spiralled out of control after a while, there was nothing he could do, it was over, they had too much on him.

He'd been telling himself lies that maybe she was with Jean on the side, that she had the same opportunities as him, she could go out and sleep around too.

As if Mikasa would ever even consider it.

He’d finally given into being exclusive, seeing the toll it was taking on Mikasa, after Armin smacked him upside the head and told him he was going to lose her if he didn’t get his shit together. Eren had finally realized how irreversibly he was fucking up his relationship, but by then, it had been too late.

When they finally started truly dating, monogamy and all, it had been far, far too late. The backlog of photos the paparazzi had was ridiculous, any opportunity they got to demonize him they took.

He and Mikasa been casual at the time of all the photos, sure, but anyone would buckle under the weight of constant articles about their significant other cheating. Eren became the villain in his own story, and Hollywood loved it, ‘Bad Boy Eren Yeager Ditches Mikasa Ackerman’. He still remembers the headline, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, she’d come home, dropped the offending magazine on the coffee table and hidden in her room for the rest of the night. He’d slept outside her door, and the next morning he’d been woken by her stepping over him to leave, bags packed.

It was sad, they’d never even officially dated to the public, they hadn’t gotten to that point. She’d wanted to reveal it at some awards show by taking him as her date, thanking him in her speech, her boyfriend, Eren Yeager. Overnight the paparazzi had singlehandedly broken them up for shit he hadn’t even done.

He had no one but himself to blame.

Hard for me to justify the women I was into

Looking back, he can’t say why he did it or what the purpose of all the models that looked eerily like her were for. Maybe he was trying to fill the empty space in his heart, maybe he felt neglected by her friendship with Jean and how obvious the man’s feeling for her were, but for one reason or another, he’d slept his way through about half of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, and award shows were awkward these days. Meeting the eyes of all the talented women he’d hooked up with in such a professional setting was uncomfortable at best.

How many more did he not even remember, to high off drugs and alcohol and his own ego?

Especially when the whole entire world wished they had you

He’d seen it in how Jean looked at her the first time they’d walked the red carpet as promotion for their movie. The tall man was a b-list actor and he’d been invited to the pre-screening, and he’d watched Mikasa the entire night. His gaze wasn’t moved by Eren’s arm wrapped protectively around her waist or his chin resting on her head, nor the possessive hand on her thigh.

They hadn’t even been fooling around back then, but he couldn’t help himself, he didn’t want Jean’s eyes on her. She was also Mikasa Ackerman, and the whole world thought she was just as beautiful and amazing and perfect as he did.

But she was his. His best friend, love of his life, his everything

If only he’d treated her like it.

Probably made you want to hit the streets on everything

She doesn't take him to the awards show the night he comes begging, but she lets him inside her apartment. Lets him help her with her hair, something he's sorely missed. Something he's familiar with, been braiding her hair since they were kids.

He helps her put it up into a beautiful twist.

And when Jean knocks at her door to take her to the awards show he lets her go, kisses her cheek and tells her how much he loves her, how she's going to win it all and he'll be waiting her when she gets back.

And then she leaves, walks away with another man and Eren thinks he deserves it, it's his penance, how many times has she felt this same way, how many women has he been through?

Probably made you want to pour bleach on everything

He discovers not a single remnant of himself in her apartment, no pictures, no clothes she's borrowed. Even his old sweatshirt, her favourite one is gone. Hell, even their award for best-onscreen-kiss is gone.

He finds it all in a crumpled box under her bed and it's his own fault for snooping, their photo crumpled up and misshapen, riddled with water damage. Probably from her tears if he had to guess.

Probably made you want to kill me on everything

She comes home that night and Eren is surprised, he'd expected her to go to Jean's. Hadn't really believed she was going to come back. Had resigned himself to sleeping on the couch and waiting till tomorrow when she'd come home dishevelled and covered in hickeys and bruises, the kind good sex gives you. The kind he'd never really allowed himself to give her.

That's when she'd really broken and he'd been so fucking happy when she'd thrown her purse at him. No more of her her silent rage, her forced smiles. She'd kicked and screamed, cried in his arms only to hit him brutally with a pillow, chasing him to the end of the couch. Hands restraining his wrists, as she curses him out, tears running down her beautiful cheeks sparkling in the moonlight, she's a vengeful goddess and he deserves every second of her wrath.

She collapses on top of him in a heap of sobs and all he can do is hold her, hating himself just as much as he's sure she does.

Yeah, trust, I know that

He wakes the next morning with her weight in his arms, and he holds her like he never wants to let go.

He's lucky she's even here with him right now, that she didn't kick him out on the spot. That she even cares enough to still fight with him. He kisses her forehead softly, he knows.

Yeah I kinda hate this but whatever have angst 🤷🏻‍♀️

#lys's drabbles