#me now: FUCK IT WASNT THAT DEEP

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

sigh

#i think the universe is playing a prank on me here #that at age 14 i went #'rip to rose but i would never fall in love with the doctor could never be me' #and then to be faced with 13 and the realisation that rip to rose but im not different #and then and THEN #they put this fucker back in there so now im #here #like #ive done my best for my lesbianisms #ive put work into my lesbian tendencies alright #not a lesbian but i believe in their beliefs deeply #so like excuse me mr tennant but you cant just get back in here and have me googling #your fucking eye colour #just bc im that far gone for the thIRTEENTH doctor #thirteen. alright. hear me? mr tennant. thirteen. #its brown btw #which is great for the sentence i was about to write but thats really my only win here #deep deep sigh #i dont even like him! #likewith all due respect it wasnt mr wet sad puppy eyes who had me looking up the kinsey scale at 2 in the morning after the giggle alright #im hijacking his whole noble-temple-doctor happy ending just to write more thasmin and yET #yet i find myself #here. googling david tennants eye colour #we find ways to keep struggling on dont we #hes not that special!!!!!

[muirneach]

if native north america vol 1 is so good how come they can’t make a vol 2

#fun factttt when i was 14 and in therapy i mentioned this album to my therapist #and she was like. oh yeah my friend was the one who compiled that haha #LIKE WHAT??? i was two steps removed from fucking native north america my all time favourite album since i was in middle school??? #anyways. idk why there wasnt another seeing as we are now 10 years(!) removed from vol 1 but oh well cant win them all #i think i hear rumour of another one but clearly that has not come to fruition #well okay tbf these recordings were like. DEEP in the cbc archives like im sure it was a pain in the ass to make it #anyways. i <3 light in the attic records they produce so many good albums #like ur telling me you did this and willie dunn and karen dalton and jim sullivan and rodriguez and MICHAEL HURLEY(!!!) #and so many other good ones #music

[lovely-english-rose]

this happened a While ago but this comment on a fic i wrote just. bounces around my skull sometimes. they questioned how could two men have kids together and i just. you really gotta ask that? like theres so many fucking ways that could work

maybe the kids are from previous marriages. maybe they're adopted. surrogacy exists. one could be trans. depending on setting, magic or sci-fi stuff could be the explanation. good old mpreg even if you're not a fucking coward. pick your poison.

#the reason why or how the kids were even there wasnt fucking relevant like dawg.... 💀 #it was a small character study it didnt have to be that deep #suspend your disbelief for 5 seconds #they didnt even say anything else about it just questioning what accounted for maybe 1 whole sentence of the story #never seen anyone else questioned for gay parents having kids why did it have to happen to me 😭 #grinds my fucking gears every time i remember #actually now that i think about it. i dont think ive posted anything since that incident. 🙃 #thanks for listening to my ted scream

[oflgtfol]

like logically i know wildfires happen anyway like theyre a natural thing but isnt there something apocalyptic about wildfires becoming SO common and SO destructive to where the past few years ive regularly experienced wildfire smoke here on long island, a place that doesnt naturally experience many wildfires, and the only reason we’re being hit with this smoke is because it has traveled hundreds of miles from across the country. And every year theres record heat waves and people dying. And every year theres record strong storms and hurricanes. And every year tornadoes are suddenly becoming more common outside tornado alley. just what is going on anymore man i just feel this vague sense of dread and doom all the time

#seeing the orange sun rn its like #its really not too bad here i mean i wasnt outside for long #but otherwise its just making the sky look really fucking weird #and im like how are you ppl shopping at michaels like its an average day. doesnt this weird ass sun evoke the same bone deep dread that #it does in me as well. like how are you going about your life like normal right now #brot posts #all i can say is as a kid i never experienced any sort of residual wildfire smoke #i never heard of a tornado on long island - the idea was laughable #and now every year for the past 5 years or so theres just constant fucking wildfire smoke in the air for a few weeks in the summer #normally from california! so now that its from canada its like. well. #ans every year for the past 5 years we’ve had at least one storm that produces tornadoes ! like actual tornadoes ! #no not the huge destructive kind but like theyre still tornadoes !!! #we get like at least 3 per year now its fucking nuts #if not more !!!

[illogicalghost]

.

#big gender rant ahead i just need to write down my thoughts #personal #so i think im a he/him trans lesbian?? #i think ive been denying my feminine side for a long time now but middle school me was right. well. half right #idk why id built up some weird barrier in my mind about being trans and being a lesbian #but now im like more sure than ever #i still dont know if i could call myself a woman. and i thought i was so adamant about not using she/her again but it honestly? #doesn't bother me that much anymore. its not my preference but its not as soul crushing as it used to be #i have these weird subliminal gender rules for myself that ive been beating myself down with even though i #understand that theyre fake and dont hold anyone else to them. so why have a double standard? cant i have a fun gender? #ever since high school its been an uphill battle just letting myself live freely and having self confidence #i just turned 24. i dont have to be beholden to stupid hormonal teenage self loathing anymore #the world is a beautiful place and gender is just made up anyway. so why cant i be trans and butch? who cares?? #i think i worded it well in my last personal post. ive been living a gender of convenience #but fuck that! i want the gender that makes sense to me! that makes me happy! its my life and i should live it how i want to! #...i still have some regrets about my top surgery. i wish i wasnt so weirdly flat chested now. #but hopefully the fat will redistribute eventually and itll look more natural as the years go on.. #but i definitely dont regret going on T. i love my deep voice and my body hair #anyway if you've read this far thanks for listening to my mad ramblings #and dont forget you can have a fun gender too!

[munamania]

something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.

#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love #what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it #why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties #of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often #so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk #and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore #i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them #. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec #but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd #but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE. #OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL. #and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness #but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart. #this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it #that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too #and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch #now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it. #because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do #something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope #and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude #this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post #ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting #all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever

[get-more-bald]

Brb. Getting my brain chemistry changed 👍

#this is about doctor who!! #sorry zane ninjago but youve been replaced by my dearly beloved ninth doctor. christopher eccleston ❤️ #christ i just watched Dalek and holy fuckity heck #i dont even think like. supernatural merlin good omens or star trek had this effect on me #ya definitely not #maybee good omens but hm eh #theres only so much you can get with twelve episode adaptation of one book frankly #and i dont really even know why who is doing this?? #like. ive watched maybe four episodes of season 1 #like 6 at most of capaldis era #and like one christmas special #it wasnt even really that deep but hollyyy. damn. #Dalek had me completely sold. time to endure the moff*t writing. #im NEVER gonna watch any season finales tho. except season 1 #bill getting turnt into a cyberman? no fcuking way i didnt see it so it never happened👍 #any other companion dying? rose departing from the doctor?never fucking happened👍. #ten just left her at home to get a life and still visits her! and now hes travelling with donna! #and btw i know hes minor but danny pink literally never died! he accepted twelve in the end and lives (as much as he can) a peaceful life #im not saying anything about nine because hes deeply tragic and his regeneration was. something for sure. #and it was SO important. and also im not erasing his finale gay kiss 👍 from like 2005 👍 #maybe its just because all the other finales were written by m*ffat 🖕 #yeah. yeah. yeah. #i guess nine IS my favorite doctor. god i need to watch classic who #mine #doctor who #ninth doctor #the daleks #rose tyler #donna noble

[catholicjinx]

ok i also thought more about this and i think i would consider vampire money & bury me in black two of my fav songs rn. (+ if i DID have a top 10 songs of all time list too i think pretty fly (for a white guy) by the offspring would be on there)

BURY ME IN BLACK HELL YEAH. the "i wanna see what your insides look like / i bet theyre not pretty on the inside" part always gets me ough. also the offspring i LOVE YOU!!!

#ive had its not a fashion statement its a fucking deathwish stuck in my head for a WHILE now. specifically thr chorus #this hole u put me in wasnt deep enough....i lost my fear of falling. MAN. #asks #casper 💿

[dashiellqvverty]

i keep thinking about how like if i were 10ish years younger and figuring out my gender shit in this current climate i genuinely might not have allowed myself to come to the same conclusions i did as a teenager. like so much of my transness is about choosing to be this way because it feels right and makes me happy, and i had a community both online and to some degree in person that affirmed that, and its not that that community isnt still around but i just dont know if it wouldve felt worth it. like i want to be an obviously and visibly queer gnc transfag i LOVE that about myself but its a journey i started when i was 15 and if i had to start that journey NOW i think it would be a lot fucking scarier. and of course thats the whole point, to scare people away from every coming out or even fully considering the possibility of being trans

#like i didnt Figure Out I Was A Man at 15 i have been on a journey of figuring out gender shit for years #but its always been based around imagining the version of myself that feels Good and Right #like i dont think i ever would have considered transness for myself had i not been introduced to it in the way i was #(safe and affirming and cool thing on tumblr) #like thats not the way my dysphoria is idk. i just like being a guy and i DO feel a deep wrongness that i didnt grow up as a boy #but idk i couldve never clocked that if i'd never thought 'do i want to be a boy' #and fuck man to ask myself that question for the first time NOW??? #to consider the options of telling or hiding from my conservative parents NOW?? #i told them a couple years ago now but i never kept it a Full Secret lmao like they Knew it was coming #and obv i knew i would be safe etc but like if it wasnt for me being out already (as multiple things) #what would they be on board with now?? #they've never been qanon marjorie taylor green type conservatives they are more libertarian types #they suck very much to be clear its just like #i dont KNOW and i things are unfathomably scarier than they were 7 years ago #every time i hear something new i feel so sick and then i just sit here bc i dont know what to do #and the idea of not even getting the chance to know im trans bc the climate is so hostile and terrifying is HEARTBREAKING #oh 2015 oh advocating visibility and representation well this is what fucking happens when ppl know trans ppl exist huh #(obviously these things are still good but u know what i mean. like ppl were talking about hypervisibility AT THAT TIME) #r.xt

[space-coupe]

-

#okAy so i'm not going to finish writing it i lack the skill n talent but i Must get this out there it's haunting me #i know rpf freaks some ppl out in which case why are u following me i literally made this blog bc i wrote so much goddamn rpf #but anyways. fair warning in advance. n i will delete this once i stop being insane blah blah blah #but god. just obsessed with piarlesteban ideas rn. with charles watching all the alpine stuff we're seeing trickling out now and like #the bittersweet feeling that comes with watching someone you love succeed at the cost of them potentially moving on without you #at least when pierre and esteban weren't talking it wasn't a constant reminder that Technically he's not pierre's oldest friend on the grid #that while he Technically thinks he knows pierre best. he wasnt one of those kids from normandy #is it jealousy? is it fear? is it something else? #after all if he called pierre 'pierrot' on main and started posting tiktoks with how important their friendship is #it would be smth f1 reposts and takes everywhere and makes a situation out of. but esteban can do it naturally. #him not wanting pierre and esteban to fall out again because truly he Does love them both albeit in very different ways because they *did* #all grow up together. but then if they do. he doesn't have to worry about if pierre starts to hesitate more when he's asked who he's #closest to. who his best friend is. doesn't have to worry #plus. plus plus. add in the context of it mirroring /pierre/ feeling like he got left behind while charles #blazed trails in his top team and pierre went back to his junior team who try as they might could never give him that wdc #sorry ive just been listening to smile like you mean it on repeat. and like #and someone is playing a game in the house i grew up in. and someone will drive her around on the same streets that i did #i CAN and i WILL make this about them #esp because im already deep in copium #YO the fact i can edit tags now. fucking SEXY!

[charrfie]

Btw if you think I've been more active here than usual it's because I have been. Totally didn't announce it but I took a break from my other socials and realized how much I missed this place

#the fact i thought twitter wasnt fucking up my mental health i was that deep in it #now after spending enough time away from it (roughly two weeks) its very obvious that it is in fact super bad for me #so ill prob settle down and make this the place i spend the most time on now #though im still going to try to spend less time scrolling aimlessly and being online bc im bored #hasnt really worked yet but. baby steps #laika originals

[perenlop]

oh. this is another “the villain has completely correct and good motives but goes about it in a creepy extreme way that makes them ‘just as bad’ and the heroes gotta fight to keep the status quo!” plot. cool.

#like ok. the rumor monster thing is still horrifying and all dont get me wrong #but like... aside from that it feels like an excuse to have the villain be a villain?? bc aside from that and them using witches #(which doesnt even make sense also considering their goals) then yeah theres no reason why these guys are wrong #why is it painted as sinister for the girl to go ''yeah kyubey is fucked up and he treats us like harvestable resources'' #and it really does feel like theyre twisting everyones arm to make them still sound evillike iroha's reaction literally is just #''ok but what about ui :/ idc man'' #like. wow thats totally such a compelling and sensible way to react to that information #that literally caused mami to attempt murder suicide in the original series and was the ENTIRE TURNING POINT FOR THE CHARACTERS #and its tragic that tsureno wants to join that magias now bc her fate is tragic and oh how did she fall so fast... #hey wait. wasnt changing this fate literally madoka's goal in the original like... #echoed voice #idk. man these kinds of villains annoy me bc they can absolutely be done well #but too often than not theyre just done to be fake deep and come across as tone deaf #magireco lb

[andichoseyou]

was really thinking i was gonna like fall for this guy but i spent 7 hours w him and decided i really didn’t like him, i just liked that he liked me

#like i feel bad but i dont wanna string him along u know??? #and it sucks because now im getting that gut feeling that im never gonna find someone who likes me again #but i will !!! #im a catch!!!! #im funny! im nice!! im pretty!!! #but the insecurities deep inside me are like ‘oh girl… u fucked this up… hes the only guy who has ever found u attractive’ #im sooo scared #i want someone to want me!!!!! the way i want them!!!! #and he just wasnt it!!! he wasnt my person and thats okay… thats okay #😓😩😓😩😓 #my thoughts

[sparklev0id]

resisting the urge to physically beat myself up for wasting food especially meat and other animal products

#sh cw #ed cw #(i dont have one just a shitty appetite and very sensitive digestive system) #i fucking hate it like. this animal died for no fucking reason. a living creature was killed only to rot and be thrown away #my guilt is deep and sickening #i like watch it happen too ill see something thats about to expire and km like #'its getting close to the expiry date what if this will make me sick' #so i dont eat it but i feel bad just theowing it away right then and there but then jt sits in the fridge and i have to see it #every time i open it up to get something and if i think about it at all i feel a pain in my chest like its all my fault #and km like 'why didnt i just eat this earlier what the fuck is wrong with me' #but i didnt eat it warlier because i wasnt hungry enough im never fucking hungry enough #the signal from my stomach to my brain just hardly ever activates i have to consciously make myself eat something #and i forget a lot and it doesnt growl it doesnt feel like anything until im about to pass out #i hate it i hate it i hate it #i wish i was a plant or something then i wouldnt have tk feel like this #im the one who deserves to be left to rot #and i try to set reminders to eat something but they go off and i try and i can only get like 3 bites in before my stupid fucking stomach #is like nOoO iM fUlL nOw ThIs Is ToO mUcH even though im actually literslly fucking starving

[storm-of-feathers]

-

#i had a nightmare that was a mix of stuff i legally cant talk ab and some deep severe trauma and ive been fucked up for hours #i woke up screeching and apparently i didnt know where/when i was #thats the first panic attack of that type ive had in years where i cant even get a grip on my surroundings #and joe tried to use ambien as a tranquilizer (which has worked before) #(sidenote: not what its for but it can work like that for me) #but i kept throwing it back up and he kept trying again #(i wasnt sound of mind to stop him) and now im nearly out for a MONTH #and im just so. upset with everything even rn im sobbing as i write this

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Currently shoving down a growing panic attack. I'm still not done. I'm tired. I want to stop but I can't because I don't have nearly enough finished to be able to hope of passing this class and I really really want to graduate. My grade is sitting in a shitty place rn and I just

#fuck i just want to graduate 😭 #i want to be done #im feeling really fucking stupid rn because this was supposedly a 2hr test that he decided he'd give us 2 days on?? #it took me two hours just to figure out what i was being asked to do ffs #stupid stupid stupid brain #i will fucking lose it if I cant pass this class and my other one #three full years of school #all but one semester was spent through covid bullshit #im on my last fucking semester and these LAST FUCKING CLASSES #are all that are between me and having the degree ive wanted for over a decade now #and i dont have the money to go back and retake these classes if i dont pass them #which means three fucking years of busting my ass off just to be fucked over at the very VERY end of the entire thing #im gonna be sick #I fucking told my advisor and everyone else I reached out to that i was struggling and i felt like i wasnt going to pull through #and I got all the fucking bullshit comments like You'll Do Great! I Believe in You! If You Need Anything At All We're Here For You! #except they fucking weren't #nobody actually gives a fucking shit if what you need requires a bit of extra work on their part #fuck them fuck this fuck it all #*deep breath* #*closes eyes* #wish i could recite the numbers of the golden ratio *laughsobs* #ok back to work i guess #fox thoughts #fox's college adventures #tbd