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#me when I have a 9am
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Me: okay, i need to do homework now

My Body: ok but what if… you took a nap instead

Me: No, i really do gotta study

My Body: but you’re feeling verrrrrrrry tired,… slep now

Me: no! study time!

My Body: good luck but im gonna make it hard to keep your eyes open.

#santino myself and i#fuck my body i worked so hard to get clean of marijuana and also wake up in time for 9am classes#which is a TERRIBLE combination cause no mj made it fucking impossible to fall asleep when i needed too#and this is how my body repays me now that i finally have gotten this shit sorted out and have woken at 9am each day#what a fucking jerk! let me have the energy to live please! that's literally why I've been taking iron supplement you ass!
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Why is it that i spend my entire day after 1pm till bedtime gaming and now at 3am I’m doing the things a functional grownup would do during the day

#but heyy I’ve gotten some shit I’ve procrastinated done#I’m proud although I’m gonna hate myself tomorrow morning bc I’ve got classes from 9am weeee#Vanja talks#im gonna skip first class I think tbh I’m not really well anyways#so I might just sleep in and pretend I overslept#my mental health is sooo unstable nowadays and has been pretty shit for a long time now and it’s just getting worse it feels like#I feel that I’m really good at lying sometimes like I don’t have a poker face for shit when it comes to lying just to mess with someone but#I think I come off as sincere when I lie abt things I actually don’t want them to know I’m lying abt#but idk maybe people are just humouring me and I’m a shit liar
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it’s 00:18 and I want to PAINT

#and January insomnia is here#when in vacations I wake up too late like 9am (i usually wake at 6/7 when I have uni)#so my body think this is oversleeping and it don't let me sleep at night#so I be here awake#spiriling#nic speaks
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do u guys (fanfic authors only ig) ever just read a fic so good that you lose your mind for a few minutes before thinking “shit I want ppl to feel like that abt my works someday” or am I just really really dramatic abt it??

#i just finished reading a sakuatsu fic and I cried my eyes out it's not even funny#maybe it was bc the author pulled the miya twins card and I'm really emotional with sibling relationships#which was what made me cry abt the whole thing most times tbh (yes i cried more than once I KNOW EMBARASSING ANYWAY)#everything was just so perfectly done like the story the pacing was fantastic the dialogue was by far one of the best ones I've ever read#they handled characterization perfectly to the point i started laughing out loud while reading the bickering between them#and crying a river in the next chapter yes that was a ride esp the last two chapters i don't remember crying like a baby this much over a f#in like..... idk how many years honestly#and then I just look at my works and I'm like shit if OR BETTER WHEN (yes let's be hopeful) i get on that level#I'll just ascend honestly#at the same time it makes me overthink a bit abt my writing and how it isn't the way I like it#idk i guess it motivates me a little skdjdjjd maybe I just like the competition lmao I'm always more thrilled when i set a higher level#like if i want to do that good I better just start working for that shit u know#sometimes i think i write for myself but i really don't think that's a whole truth tbh like the fact I've been wanting to post my jjk for e#I'm someone that really gets into whatever I'm doing (yes I'm dramatic and extra let's not talk abt it)#so like just thinking abt the possibility of someone reading something I did and losing their shit really makes me scream tbh#maybe it's just bc I treasure feelings so f*cking much LMAODNDJDJJ just the thought of someone one day really really enjoying something#like just bc it hits close to home (like the miya twins card i mentioned early lmao) or bc it really is something they like#idk it makes me feel things like my heart legit beats faster thinking in how tf am i supposed to improve so i can make ppl feel good u know#i know fanfic really isn't that deep but like... making ppl feel good while doing something u enjoy like how great is that#im starting to ramble so much omg it's almost 9am that fic really broke me to pieces I'll have to bookmark that tomorrow lmao#yes its 9am yes i didn't sleep yes I'm dramatic asf pls i hope you all can deal with it#bc apparently I'm not leaving anytime soon#im drafting this post so if im brave enough I'll post it tomorrow when i wake up lmao#I'm really just rambling but whatever ty miya twins and sakuatsu ig I'll stalk the author tomorrow ksjdjdjdjd#oh to have a new goals.... just fantastic it feels really great honestly thank u for coming to my ted talk guys#e.txt#dl#edit: i just woke and DAMN IT I really poured my heart here wtf LMAO
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I was on the phone with Apple for two hours to set up my new phone and all that happened was I deleted all the music off my old one and they told me to call back later.

#rachel’s rambling#I’m shaky I haven’t slept yet#like I stay up all night my life’s a mess#I usually go to sleep at like 9am but I haven’t slept#also now my old phone is charging??#I’m shaky I’m tired I kind of want to cry#my mom’s gonna get up in a half hour for work#so it’s too late to go to bed now#I think it’s best to just tough it out#but I’m so fucking tired and I’m just not doing okay#and my phone still isn’t set up after 2 hours on the phone with Apple#all that happened was that I felt like a fucking idiot for not knowing how to use a computer#and everything’s outdated they saw I have 20k unread emails#also my anime wallpapers#they saw my life is a fucking mess#and she was just like oh you’re going to enjoy your new phone#WHEN???#they did have me back up my phone on my newer computer#the pc that’s not the MacBook I haven’t updated in five years#and when I dug out the external storage I didn’t know how to use because I thought she was gonna lead me through it#I found a usb#so I’m hoping I can just use the backup on the computer and the usb with the music from the Mac#and be done with it#I’m fucking tired and I want to sleep#I’m about half tempted to just go get fast food or something and come back and crash#if I can ever get the music thing situated#I haven’t slept more than like I want to say five hours in like a week#so I could probably sleep until tomorrow#I’m just fucking beat#I’m shaky I feel it in my bones
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Someone on TikTok had edits of Oikawa in the different volleyball uniforms and everyone was like, “He looks good in purple!!” Don’t fucking lie to yourself. Purple is not Oikawa’s color. There’s a reason he didn’t go to Shiratorizawa, okay. He knew purple wasn’t a good look on him.

#rachel’s rambling#now red...red was doing something for me#he looks very nice in red#ooh and black!!#but purple absolutely not#there was another joke I wanted to make but it’s 9am and I haven’t slept yet so I forgot where the fuck I was going#there was something about him going someone said#but all I could fucking think was THATS TOO MANY SETTERS#you have to draw the line somewhere#we can have the little bit of angst with two setters on a team#but we’re overdoing it with three#but also when I kept thinking about that I remembered that stupid fucking comic where all of shiratorizawa was setters#just the whole fucking team#and goshiki was like ‘I’m going to surpass ushijima san’ and then listed the whole team#WE HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE NO MORE SETTERS OKAY
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I said I would go to bed at like 10pm 

it is now 2:50am

I just remembered I’m expecting a work call tomorrow morning 

am now afraid to sleep 

#cookie speaks#idk if this woman is gonna call me at 6am or 9am#and i am Big Fear#like#she's a nightshift nurse that works with my mom lol#so im not TOO stressed#but like#i want to make a good first impression#she TEXTED ME at 6am yesteray to tell me she would call me monday morning \#and that\s why idk WHEN she's gonna call#if she works today and intends to call me when she gets off#then that means ill be getting a Very Early Phonecall#and i Do Not Want#luckily I have mastered the art of going from a dead sleep to sounding Super Peppy And Neurotypical#immediately#bc i like to sleep in but my job means people call me early sometimes T_T
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Every day is just *says I’m going on lunch* but *actually has a shower instead*

#haha#i usually fit my shower and lunch time into around 30 mins when im working#but yesterday and today i was so busy that i had my shower then was on my phone for a bit before going back to work#im so hungry now but i just dont have the energy to make anything 😪#its because i roll out of bed at 8.58 feed the cats then log on at 9am#like ik i have no energy cause ive not eaten or drunk anything today but because i have no energy i cant make the food#also i dont really want to order cause money....#ive eaten all my noodle packs as well 😭#i will.... figure something out but just urg#this week has been so awful#i almost started crying again when i was speaking to one of my other work colleagues but managed to stop it#i was telling him about the breakdown last night and he was v sympathetic n it made me like....almost tear up and choke up a lil#i just want this year to be over#but January is going to be more new nonesebse#and one of the people i get along with most handed her notice in and she told me yesterday#n like hooo boi we r fucked now cause we dont have enough admin as it is and she's gonna be gone by christmas lol#okay enough rambling also dont reply i just need somewhere to vent this cause i dont want to bore people irl#personal
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