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unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years

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oh lmfao edited to add. the thirty tags are maxed out but i have to work in the wordplay of: call this post-it notes

speaking of [happening to think about, then for a separate reason talk about, the film “stand by me,” an adaptation of the stephen king short story “the body”] last night, & tumblr ads reminding me, i did turn around after listening to the podcast ep extensive, research enhanced analysis / discussion of specifically the book like hey yeah yknow what. i’ll watch the It films; not the miniseries / the one with tim curry, which i saw the first half of but wasn’t really inspired to commit to the latter half. and you Know like yeah i’m truly interested in the choice to build on [stephen king kicking his legs like “whaaat are some Problems kids could have.....um being a girl.....being jewish.....having a stutter.....”] with “what if someone was gay or some shit” like yeah right on, which idk that steve ever wrote into any vaguely primary characters even though it’s markedly made textually relevant. and the cultural alignment for kleinsen enjoyers is still very funny. i forgot about even the arm cast business till halfway through. even the [break it again] joke kind of manifested lmao

anyways the point is i’m like, my two primary modes of [this experience] being expressed via [mad men meme In The Cinema seriously considering the material] and [the shot of that guy in the alternate titanic ending where he’s like ahahahaha throwing his head back and the camera is overhead zooming out a little bit] and the like Oh Hey. This Is All Coming Together? kind of [that madman cinema meme] moment hit in The Second Part because it’s like, it’s Remarkable for a stephen king story to have Adults Who Are Friends. which is where it can be cross referenced with Stand By Me, which is about kids who are friends, but Framed by like, this story is written in the future by the main kid, who wanted to be a writer & now is, mostly about his friendship with this one other kid who was like “hey man you can & should be a writer. believe” and that classic [stephen king High Concept stories] central plot impetus / definition which is “the one where some kids go on a trek to find/see a dead body” and then ending with Adult Main Kid with that classic / standout remark “i never had any friends like the ones i had when i was twelve. god, does anyone?” which is included even in the film via seeing him type it out on bulkier ye old computer terminals while his kid is now twelvish i guess and talking to a friend. after also musing on like, yeah that bestie who hyped me up the most and who i saved in turn, with a gun, tragically died. iunno where those other two kids in the group are, living kind of underwhelming lives out there probably but whatever. lmfao like man i dunno write them a letter, call them, you could do a little digging here and get in touch. but yeah it’s not gonna be Exactly The Same as when you were kids, nor exactly the same as it was when things aligned to have a brief but dramatic adventure, nor when you Could just all spontaneously decide you wanna go walking & camping to find a body & then just up & do that. but like, you can consciously make & maintain friendships i prommy my man lol. like “it’s great when things align so you Happen to have these friends when you’re twelve and you all like offer each other emotional support and can understand each other like nobody else can. but then you Will all just drift apart” like, i mean, will you. you can have friendships beyond what you just Happen to have / hope that the magic alignments will just continue falling into place for you so that those friendships still exist

and probably part of it is that it’s really mostly About the two kids who are friends even though there’s four of them, i.e. the protagonist & the moral support bestie, as well as the fact that this is a short story so there’s presumably only so much time to focus on characters at all really or delve into any setup and bg lore and whatever all else, i dunno. but thinking how it’s like, oh hey, in It it’s kind of its own serendipitous alignment of elements there to be like, here’s a group of adults where it’s peak relevant that they’re friends, for once. because afaik that really just doesn’t happen in sking stories, like, yeah adults kind of have friends but it’s Not Very Deep / it’s just kind of convenience about working together moving plots along & it’s like yeah uh i don’t fucking know i guess we see each other / hang out for dinners or post dinner drinks together or join forces about whatever fucked up shit and just talk about that, mostly....and probably people are just dropping off like flies eventually, the protagonist man of that [sooo many protags who are just some fuckin middle aged guy who’s a writer] type, and it’s also in part just because like, characters don’t really matter that much / have to be particularly distinct / Are Disposable when plenty of the point is to go “was that fucked up or what?” about whatever’s happening, so yknow you go “there was once just some fuckin guy, i dunno, he probably has a wife he’s paternalistically protective of but maybe also resents and maybe a kid or two or something, whatever....” like, being the main character doesn’t really matter, it’s just this avatar through which we are told a story of some fucked up shit and to whomst any fucked up shit can even happen, being other characters also really doesn’t matter

so it’s like huh, stand by me / the body as obviously this Ode To Twelve Year Olds’ Friendship And How Your Emotional Support Of Each Other Defines The Entire Path Of Your Life Though Mostly For The Main Character, Everyone Else Fucked Off Or Whatever like right yeah, but with that difference of how like clearly as an adult this isn’t gonna be about this guy going like “hey yeah where are those still living scamps today,” he’s reminiscing only, he’s talking about how he now doesn’t have any friends like the ones he had when he was twelve....then what changes in It is like, hmm how are these adults where the fact they’re friends actually is peak relevant? how does one remain friends with even Any childhood friends there huh. and then the fact it works out like that is like aha, well it’s because they don’t lmfao. that everyone happens to scatter to the winds at some point when it maybe will eventually rear its head amongst even their own adult guardians like hey, yknow, maybe let’s not live in murderville. or coincidence. whatever. where the point is that like oh also, everyone just magically forgets the goings on as kids including the existence of their friends, but is about to be reminded of them / remember all that, for a specific external reason rather than [adults are like hey let me try getting in touch with that mf] and already plot and magic is relevant to all of this. they’re not going to have gotten together for the shittiest high school reunion if not for the connection of Friendship, this is about adults but it’s about that childhood plotline still, so Twelve Year Olds’ Friendships still stands / is relevant, so we can even fathom these adults having a connection, b/c yes they Didn’t have it as they got older there, but now they’re jumping back into it actually, b/c magic, and because also this is Directly About (Childhood) Trauma which was also like, hey damn, even outside the stephen king oeuvre & its tendencies (solid & wretched), this is also transcending grievances i so often have with Horror, as someone who likes horror and doesn’t like horror but likes horror but doesn’t like it, and just like. questionable employment of [you Are bothering to focus on Character, and their emotional arcs being entirely relevant to the story here] when sometimes it’s like, do you need a story? the strength of horror shorts to just go “was that fucked up or what.” do you need the characters with the emotional arc relevance at all, or is it just a little avatar walking around with enough vague motivation to have / see / make fucked up shit happen? are they particularly characterized to play into some Metaphor, what’s that metaphor, is it shit, is the execution of it shit. and oftentimes Trauma is just like, idk, it’s like well here’s this person’s Weakness, and it being horror that’s more likely to make it into a Fatal Flaw, like way to have trauma you dumbass, if you were so weak as to fail to just get over it already / Overcome it, you just might be killed for it

annoying, shallow and hackneyed, insulting, etc, and it’s also like, the Individual Focused emotional journey like and here this character who’s been weakly propped up by the Stronger people supporting them will have to go through the crucible of being alone, facing down their Issue like their trauma, and getting through it in this big dramatic one and done way so they can finally stop being a pussy and an obstacle to others. or else fuck it up & die. and it’s like do you know how this works lmfao (no) why shouldn’t the support help. why should it Have to go away. why shouldn’t everyone be crowdsourcing their emotional support amongst their group lmao and never needing to “overcome” it Forever, alone. and that’s at least mostly what gets to go on in It lmfao, like, so obviously this is About Childhood Trauma. whereas It = any of the forces that make people act in ways that create, facilitate, or simply passively allow trauma. (or just some shit that really fucks shit up sometimes i guess.) and you have kids who get caught Alone getting got. but then you have a larger group of some twelvish year olds who are like alright fuck this then, and that’s enough to get through it, the same way that naturally in the less magical / more literal realm of their lives, that friend group & joining forces & providing this like actually (relatively) safe and supportive environment amongst themselves is what protects them & makes everyone a lot more of a force to be reckoned with than they are when out / caught on their own. and it just doesn’t happen to be about choosing to write about like, and then all these kids got picked off one by one anyways, despite their efforts, f. which like i guess it could be, but when the Point is so Directly about the emotional support some kids get from each other / that they Are crowdsourcing protection re: their individual vulnerabilities, that wouldn’t really emphasize that Point so much if regardless of the [having a friend group] everyone was fucked anyways. or the fact that like, again, this is About trauma and what can create it and how that can persist and all, the Magic Rules are about the emotional component of it all, when it’s like, oh this just so happens to be a magic murder entity that’s picking off kids but also prefers to torment them and/or like idk takes the route of going “oh you’re gonna hate this” and hooks up their consciousness via usb cable to the zillionth dimension void & then sips their life force through a crazy straw, or, as it would be to clown entities, a normal straw, and i dunno, that if the usb is unplugged vs eternal living death then the torment juice can give people the interdimensional premonition / telepathy across space & probably time shine(tm) like good for them i guess. call that hypervigilance?

and then that like, into the Adults timeline, not only is there this cheat like woops a stephen king story where adults are friends b/c they’ve reconnected the usb cables where the [friends like the ones i had when i was twelve] has now become immediately relevant and active again, i was like, mad man cinema contemplation meme a bit confused going into the second half until i realized some particular fact of the plot And it was slowly like....we’re kind of goofin huh, is this Being Funnier? b/c i mean, the first one wasn’t not ever funny or like otherwise not super solemn & heavy, and also i’m just Used to horror to the point it’s not gonna like bother me probably, i was watching alone and turned off the lights b/c i couldn’t adjust my screen’s lighting levels & the overhead light in here was gonna create glare via the mirror behind me, and i didn’t think anything of it at any point, i had to also be like “@ me, okay stop saying ‘me’ the moment you realize anything [A Scary Moment] is transpiring for no especial reason,” and yknow, it’s like a roller coaster to me, or i’d say like being tickled except actually i hate that one & will start physically fighting lol, where it’s like yeah aaaaaa but it’s fun & i’m Humored really, i’m experiencing the [horror & comedy are two sides of the same coin], when i’m startled or going like oooh that was, to be sure, creepy, it’s still like, ahaha, i’m figuratively tickled, going :] at the screen, i especially liked the same [ooh hehe yeah that’s eerie] type of moments in both halves like yeah very [your standard marble hornets enjoyer] of me....but anyways so then it did take me an extra few moments maybe in the second half like oh is this Markedly More Humorous? oh it is, then....sort of unexpected but then it immediately makes sense and was Fascinating like, oh, this is so In Conversation With the first movie and with the Overall Story here lmao. like, we are illustrating the Perspective Shift, the [kids timeline] is still relevant and defines everything that’s going on, but they Are adults now and That itself is relevant. b/c otherwise it’s like, it Is just the same situation played over again lmfao like damn we were the [kids fight & defeat a murder sewer clown monster] and now we’re the [adults fight & defeat a murder sewer clown monster]. and Of Course It Makes Sense for there to be overall more Drama for the kids, who are more so just living & immersed in their normal lives in that storyline, and of course, Are Kids, where like anything “was that fucked up or what” that’d happen would be more intense & threatening, and sure applying that perspective like, not only “yeah i’m just experiencing some media, but if that was really happening in life that’d be fucked up, if it was happening for real to me, i’d be like, whoa uh oh holy shit aaaa” lmao, and then an Additional layer of “and if i was twelve” like “yeah aaaa oh shit” way compounded by that, naturally.

but then i’m Also like, listen, i’d be more like halfway through my 27 yr time jump but i’m the adult with cptsd lmao and so i’m Madmen In The Theatreing because of this angle as well, and intrigued, positively, by the uptick in levity about everything. wherein it’s like okay, it’s sure Also true that like, undo the [and if you were twelve] angle, but The Same kind of fucked up shit happening would of course still be like well this sucks, and is startling, to Anyone who’s an adult, right. But Also like, again the way it’s relevant to touch base with the [kids] timeline, because that’s Defining Everything, this isn’t just “and they’re adults which means everyone’s just tougher than they were when they were kids” and That’s That, it’s like, these are adults who were these specific kids with specific experiences vulnerable to and exposed to bonus trauma, and now this is a “time to jump back in to a head on confrontation with that” plotline but As A Group again rather than this being just the story of like any individuals, or just the main kid/guy, who is now to be sure the [the middle aged writer guy of a stephen king story] lmfao, congrats....and you had [repressed memories but like, magically extensively encompassing] as the device here to as what allows for this outlier scenario of like “but how can adults possibly maintain friendships formed organically in their youth? well, they didn’t lol. but now they’re back.” and the past Has to be relevant and freshly Active because again, this Is directly about trauma lol, not just about whatever broader thing and anyone might secretly have this Hangup or two that’ll get them got. and they all Know this lol, this may be some exclusive knowledge more broadly, but this is Not a secret amongst this group of adults like ah yes my marinating issues that nobody suspects i have....which is a bonus to [even though they’re adults in a stephen king story they don’t all or even mostly have to die] and then like, as i am trying to get around to, that it’d be Different being just any adult approaching this as a new situation to them vs being an adult With Trauma(tm) lol like. the way that one might go “well, this would suck for anyone, but i have a different vulnerability b/c [cptsd involving this shit]” but Then Also the resilience that nobody should have to have and it’s technically a “strength” even though then actually people interpret their [lack of honed ability through direct life experience to cope indefinitely with traumatic experiences] as the strength, a la “wow why’s that person put up with that, i wouldn’t stand for it b/c isn’t it So Clearly Bad & Unpleasant?” victim blaming mentality and people “used” to that shit “putting up with” said shit, which other people would throw up their hands like Wow Just No and walk away from. which in turn isn’t a “weakness” lmao like, there’s no moral judgments to being someone w/trauma or someone without it. that people shouldn’t Have to have cptsd or Resilience, of course, but then that they do. i’m certainly relating to like, yeah it’s Magic Rules / Exaggeration the way that only people young enough can detect & deal with this shit directly, the first time around, and then that they still have access to it as adults presumably b/c of that exposure as kids and because [the childhood trauma doesn’t just Go Away b/c you grew up, even though Also people just think that it ought to or like wow so immature or wow you’re Letting it affect you too strongly still, huh] etc. and anyways, relating to like, yeah enjoyed the way some adults would just be cool & generally supportive, but i also only had so much access to such adults, all Through parents or via school where it’s like, yeah but all the adults there have to Make Sure You’re Behaving Properly in various ways that lead to [punitive] ends and if anyone’s being like particularly supportive / understanding that’s a personal individual choice & they’re probably going Above & Beyond. kind of impressed how useless, and actively unhelpful / counterproductive, any adults were later on when i was dealing with it all the more / had it coming to a head in ways lol, didn’t have an epic friend group i hung out with at twelve or ever who Knew Me that well or i shared anything with or got lifechanging emotional support from, but there Were occasions of like, yeah these peers get it, huh. and now with the perspex of [cptsd having adult] it’s like, yeah, i’d have repeated dreams of parents showing up & i start physically fighting them off with like a shovel and shit lmfao. even now when i rarely have dreams ft. like a more general monster / menacing figure, like i did last night, go figure, Dream Me is always like Oh Okay and immediately physically charges them unarmed lmfao. (also had a dream cameo where some guy on a home computer who was making up like building / engineering schematics? was a Wrole like omg hey buddy. unfortunately a limited interaction, that plot got quickly waylaid by the one where i launch myself at some entity. booo) i can be like “ah, here goes the adrenal response” mostly only noticing sometimes when it’s like, my physical tension has gone to the point of [i can notice my legs/knees shaking], i can also Not Notice It / not think of it b/c you know, it’s like this is truly mundane / everyday shit, in the Relative / Comparative way that it can be. it can be stealth mission time to do some ordinary shit like you live in a survival horror game. it can also go “yeah i could very easily see how if, say, there was this manifestation of trauma / the shit that causes/facilitates/sustains/allows it, i’d go sicko mode on that shit just immediate physical attack” lmao. i know if i’m startled it’s like, that can be a) ordinary, and/or b) unpleasant, and probably c) immediately followed by my being ready to go sicko mode, possibly being a bit pissed off lol. like i can’t even be worried like oh no it’s nighttime what if something was menacing. like yeah that’d be scary and suck, i might get got, i’d also immediately be pissed off like fucking try me you asshole. and it’s like, again the way comedy is A Framework, it’s not what happens when a situation is Lighthearted, Unserious, Frivolous, etc. the like, obvious fact like wow people who are funny can be sad? can have had some fucked up, Serious experiences? can even joke about that? like yeah of course humor can be Deliberately Employed To Cope, including to even communicate about shit, where you’re cueing hard like, i’m not necessarily collapsing under the weight of this right now but it’s a reality and when i’m telling you about it with Humor it’s not in turn asking for you to fix it or even do anything about it at all except be listening to / comprehending the info i’m giving you. and that even looking back on shit can be funny To You because it’s just like, sure Elevated and can be a bit absurd. so it’s like oh yeah of course it’d be funnier, in a way characters are aware of & actively interacting with lmfao. like of course any adult would be like “jesus christ. yikes. aaaa” lol while also being more inclined and able to tackle bullshit right off, but Also being specifically an adult with the [this is your childhood trauma] can be like, yes i’m both still affected by and vulnerable to this shit, but i’m Also less vulnerable than some rando might be, actually, and prepared to / more used to this, and able to go “jesus christ yikes aaaa lmfaooo ahaha” about it. like, i feel that lol.

paragraph break just because that one was getting Extra long: oh and also the matter of Genre Awareness, that this isn’t just some fucked up shit that happens to be scary and fuck your shit up, but this is expressly an antagonist coming after you with the intention to be scary to you, and you Know that, you are aware you’re in a Horror Genre situation lmao, so meta, surely helpful. and sure sometimes i felt the like comedy vs horror; comedy vs drama sometimes didn’t transition perfectly like, my kind of feeling ambivalent at this one point like uhhh is this scene more straightforwardly dramatic? hmm i guess it was. well anyways. but that’s fine, meanwhile continually delighted even to realize like, here we are going over this all again but with this Shifted Perspective / Framework, we’re clearly goofin a bit. and like how i can clap & cheer like ooh yeah that was creepy lmfao, i got Got comedically like idfk dozen times or what all. ahehe....not to mention the [i Am going insane. society] experience of scrungy expression spit take coughing laughter when overlaying [titanic guy going HaHaHaHaHaHaHa XD as the camera lifts away from overhead] upon [mad man serious contemplation of cinema png] while experiencing like wow the gay Text is more textual than i though, more extensive, turns out i had some things to go into entirely afresh without going “oh yeah, i remember what i osmosis’d about this” to then go :0 =0 about, or that i didn’t quite get Everything through osmosising that i did recall, to then spit take about and become titanic guy fifty times over. i Am a bit joker mode, you really just have to be. and laughing about [when stephen king and PPL go “you know this type of guy” and we all go “yeah i guess. i know Of them [possible knowing looks amongst ourselves, or to the camera]” and then they go “you know how they’re—” and then our answers of “maybe like gay or some shit” overlaps with their “just another heterosexual amongst all the rest of us, unless we’re gay, but we’re talking about how all the protagonists we write are cishet i guess?” like. haha. what an alignment, good for everyone in the overlap....oh and i was like ahahaha when the podcast discussion of The Book Specifically nevertheless had one guy knowing the lore already that the stephen king cameo here as Some Secondhand / Pawn Shop Type Place Owner Guy was someone who, in stephe’s (not a typo, making stephe as = steven happen, with particular enunciation of the ph vs v) own written text as the description of That Guy in the book, is like, this gay caricature who is like wearing some mesh or i think they said it said “fishnet” shirt and like clearly reading this gay porn mag. because how else would someone be gay lmfao? how else would you Know you’ve encountered one of them?? lmfao like, a) i also agree with the podcasters who are like, stephe’s a coward for not staying true to that specific description he wrote when cameo’ing as that person, and b) like, people are gay, stephe....but classic matters of [running down a hallway going Noooo and knocking shit down behind you while being chased by [the way stephen king writes about [take your pick] and/or just like, what do you think is going on in life re: [take your pick] exactly, stephen king, i swear] lol)

anyways This has turned into [gif of the guy emphatically pointing at a laptop and also at some unseen listener to this Serious Monologue] because i have endless things to say about anything. the point it it’s like, well hey i think that was remarkably successful re: choosing to have Characters with Emotional Arcs tied to a Metaphor in this horror media, when usually i’m like, the execution of this is so shit that it’s like, just don’t have characters lol, don’t try to make it a metaphor (although you know, difficult for it not to be tied to anything irl, so don’t be unaware of how it Could be), if it’s gonna be this kind of a mess. the fact that like, you can’t have [trauma] be a character weakness fatal flaw that gets them got b/c they weren’t individually Strong Enough, b/c this is All About a) having & interacting with that [trauma] first and foremost and b) how having a group of relationships affects that (helpfully). my pleasant surprise about how like yeah of course you can’t just make the exact same movie again but i wasn’t necessarily expecting a noticeably more outright comedic angle for round two, but duly kinda delighted by it, and that felt very Appropriate and Verisimilitudinous for the new angle of And You’re Completely Grown. that stephen king Rarely writes about relevant friendships and all the more rarely to never writes about relevant friendships between Adults but whoops, that happened here, b/c there was a magical workaround where “drifting apart” was not entirely congruous to the real life literal actual way that’d happen, and b/c the way this is about childhood trauma means that the Rest of that childhood is relevant to adulthood / adult identities, and he ends up with “god, does anyone?” being answered by “yeah, sometimes” lol. and yeah being a deh enjoyer / being haunted byer / analyzer means anytime something is About the connections someone, say a young person for one, might make and how that can be relevant to All Their Issues, i’m sitting up & taking notes like oh ya don’t say. that stephen king shit overall is like, well this is Interesting and i could talk all day but i’m also like, personally more ambivalent and bound to run over like hey stephe i’m shoving you around, bitch. until we form an unlikely, begrudging alliance to instead go after stanley kubrick, then boo the the shining movie, but whatever. the the shining book ending, one of the few things i particularly remember from actually reading that one, is true like, stephen king endings tending to be a hot mess that maybe aren’t super successful but here we are and it was like, why’d it get so goofy all of a sudden lmfao like i’m telling you with the schrodinger’s boiler that’s old and temperamental and if you don’t maintain it it’ll blow up probably, and that the way things end in the book is the [middle aged dime a dozen writer man protag] being possessed by a hotel is like oh fuck me lmfao, not the boiler i can’t maintain myself even though i’m possessing a hotel, it hasn’t been maintained, and then as always in any of these stories things go off the rails and yakety sax starts to play while after hanna barbera cartoon scrambling in place for a second, your haunted hotel avatar starts sprinting to the basement or wherever it was but Too Late, it blows up and the hotel dies kind of. and that’s kinda fun and funny lol but yknow, put it back in. beating up kubrick aside, i’ve seen all of? nigh all of? wasn’t paying much attention. the movie and it’s like oh okay whatever. but as with like [anything stephen king] and my not even being born till the 90s, it’s like, i can’t possibly experience this afresh, we can all agree that surely this is the best known stephen king work b/w book & film adaptation, even among biggies that really just permeate pop culture overall, who can know what i’d think if these things were New and pre [own significant influence on relevant genres / mediums] or also i was a younger reader/viewer at the times as people could often be. but i was like....expression where you scrunch your face up and look to the side like “are you seeing this” bemusement like...this is. fine i guess? it’s not really scary lmfao. and regardless, resurrecting kubrick to beat him up. but on that note it’s also funny that god knows why i ever mentioned the hypothetical of watching the shining once in passing to my mom, it would’ve been humorous / not in earnest b/c no way would i have been suggesting we watch that or even that i had watched it necessarily, so i Think i must’ve just been informing her of some things that were on tv at that moment with some goofy but technically accurate suggestions like that one, and she is a bit indignant like clearly disapproving of the general idea because, as she says, she doesn’t think it’s Right to tell kids they should ever be afraid of their parents. but between “but like. they go axe murder possessed by a hotel mode here, wherein i think it’s very appropriate?” and [someone who watches It and keeps looking into the camera one zillion times / is fascinated by the fact it’s like oh wow, any horror talking about What If You Had Trauma that isn’t like fundamentally misguided throughout and probably egregiously insulting about it] i take a perfectly comedically timed pause and then we freeze frame on my doing a spit take Laugh into my own drink. not actually in the real moment lol, i just Say Nothing and file that one away lmfao

oh and as a little postscript here i want to shoutout my going “just like Watch Your Step in goosebumps the musical the phantom of the auditorium” where it’s like, schrodinger’s warning about how a kid could just up and accidentally die via this trapdoor or like anywhere anytime, but you don’t really realize that b/c you’re kids, but I’m Telling You. and like, he’s right in general to be sure, you can just die, as well as unknowingly right of course like oops yeah some kid did just up and suddenly die via this trapdoor, grimly. and that’s Stand By Me / The Body handshake emoji It, like of course that mortality is ever relevant particularly in horror, but that also it’s like, kids realizing the reality and Proximity of that, like You Can Die, this could be you or could’ve been you. [horror, and it’s middle schoolers] wins again

#how long is this. and i could've gone on lol. if i have anything to say i Can [never shut up]#it #like what even addendums could there be for the tags....like don't even start b/c of course i could max shit out #i guess the Interesting Fun Fact that in doing research the podcasters were able to be like #''well i'm not Sure abt this; the source was maybe vague & it Would be vague; but that naturally ofc plenty of story elements in #stephen king stuff can be things where he's like yeah [xyz] was directly inspired by some real life shit [abc]'' and that like there was #Maybe this childhood event where he saw a friend / some other kid get hit by a train but then right off fully blacked out on that memory #which obviously would be pertinent here re: Remembering Litchrelly Nothing abt childhood till it all suddenly is brought back into play #but also like the part of stand by me included a scene like woops Almost getting hit by a train. dunno if that's in the short story though #but i'm gonna say Probably Yeah. plus learning again via the podcast like oh stephe got mega hit by like a minivan in '99? i was 5 lol #so i would not have been aware of that news. and i have not since Caught Up on the man's life history. nice not dying there #there was probably some other sidebar i wanted to throw in here but i forget and quick let's post this before I Keep Going On & On #scrolling up ''oh this isn't That long'' scrolling back down ''oh wait maybe it is kinda long''#it's all relative. i like horror i dislike horror. i said a lot i was so concise.#for one thing lmfao like sure is Interesting how; say; i was always Intrigued by horror as a kid even #like i think that's true for plenty of people & there's more than one way to enjoy a genre & s/o to Horror Expressly For Kids or anything #expressly for kids when it's like good & genuine & apropos it's Not just necessarily abt diluted or lesser versions of that For Adults #but anyways like i Also though def experienced like; this does freak me out & in an [i'm not having fun] way. But I Also persisted lol #like me thinking ''but i have to power through & build up a tolerance here'' when like; of course i really Didn't. why would i.#did that re: like thrill rides too sometimes; kinda liking them & the suspense; kinda really not; at least for a good while #i Did build up a tolerance &/or just how i got older & now i think all thrill rides are entirely Fun. except just straight drop towers maybe #haven't tried one lol but i've tried like roller coasters that are supposed to be Especially intense & i didn't even realize like oh. huh.#like it was fine actually lol we have fun...and same with horror; again how like yeah i'm not expecting Especially Intense but yeah ofc i'm #gonna fire this shit up alone in the dark & never think anything of that. munch crunch #like hmmmmm re: my being a little kid who Was bothered more by such shit sometimes while also intrigued / having fun #but who regardless was like Well I Have To Try To Be Okay With It / seek it out & power through. vs ppl who are just like well no i don't #enjoy or like horror stuff particularly and/or roller coasters lol. compare & contrast & contextualize w/me also being a little kid who is #experiencing trauma & trauma responses as what is for me some mundane / everyday / par for the course / Anytime shit lol and of course i do #not have the info / context / perspective / framework to realize this. so i get distressed by ''that Would be fucked up'' but what else is #new or what have you? why shouldn't i also go ''well i guess i have to Get Good at tolerating this / Enduring it'' lmao

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cleargasm · 3 years

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I headcanon Mizuki as Japanese and Ecuadorian because in Ecuadorian masculinity, you display it through drinking with your friends and it’s something he usually does every night with Aoba and Koujaku!! And maybe the reason he opened up a bar with his tattoo parlor was to drink in it with his friends and Dry Juice members!!

#idk something i made a connection with in my anthropology class lol #me writing an analysis post while i’m very high LOL #mizuki #dmmd #dramatical murder #my post #mizuki dmmd

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finelinegynandromorph · 2 years

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harry, gender, and musical consonance: a soft analysis

so i couldn’t sleep last night and wrote this unhinged note on my phone about a feature of h’s music that’s taken up brain space of mine for the last 5 years:

i’m sure someone has already written in detail and far more eruditely about this, but for the sake of my sleep schedule i’m going to write this all out so it’s at least doing something instead of bouncing around in my brain!

for personal context, most of my knowledge here is coming from about a decade of experience working in choral settings. with that being said, i am definitely an *amateur* in my choral knowledge so professional choralists if you stumble upon this post please do feel free to jump in and correct me on anything!

anyway, as an insufferable choir kid (with extreme stage fright but hey besides the point), i *love* singing along with music and i almost always slip into harmonies when doing so because years of choir practice have made it one of my favorite ways to enjoy musical media!

as a quick overview if you’re not already familiar

there are a few main categories of harmonies that you usually see in ballads (the main song genre you’ll currently hear on the radio, spotify, etc. i know, ballads also colloquially refer to slower pop songs but i’m using the broad historical definition of narrative poetic stanzas set to music):

dissonance: this refers to a piece of music that is sung with different notes to the melody. the pitches may be similar or different. they often have a jarring texture when heard together with the melody.

consonance: this refers to a piece of music that is sung identical to the notes of the melody, but with different pitches or pitches separated by one or more octaves. they are often described as “pleasing” to the ear.

for the purposes of this analysis, i’m defining harmony very broadly as collections of notes that differ in one or more musical characteristic (e.g. pitch, texture, etc.) that sound great together.

(there’s actually a ton of semantics about the exact definitions of these words, the specific difference between a harmony and an octave, the distinction between a unison and an octave, etc. so just want to flag that i’m aware of that but for ease i will be using the terms dissonant harmony and consonant harmony in this analysis (bc i think it makes the most intuitive sense for purposes of analyses). i also know there are more specific ways of referring to tonal range than “higher” and “lower” registers but this is intended to be a readable analysis of some patterns so i’ll be playing fast and loose with the terminology, hey might even misuse octave (i know i know!) musicians i love u pls don’t @ me lol just consider this my brain’s way of communicating these concepts)

if it’s helpful, here’s a 🌈shitty spatial breakdown🌈:

if we imagine a spatial musical plane where the height of the symbol denotes its pitch (how high or low the note is), and this is our melody:

^ ^ ^ ^^

^ ^^^

-----------------------> where this is the direction of the music

(ie. the melody starts high, drops low for a note, goes high again for two notes, drops back down for three notes, and finally drops its lowest for the last two notes)

an example of a dissonant harmony might look like this:

melody: ^

harmony: ~

^ ^ ^ ~ ^^ ~~~

^ ~~ ^^^

~~~ ^^

-----------------------> where this is the direction of the music

whereas an example of a consonant harmony might look like this:

melody: ^

harmony: ~

~~~ ~~

^ ^ ^ ^^

~ ~~~

^ ^^^

-----------------------> where this is the direction of the music

idk if this makes sense, but this is to say that dissonant harmonies take different concurrent spatial musical journeys through a scale while consonant harmonies take the same journey separated by a little space.

bc of the aforementioned choral background, when i’m listening to a song i really like, i’ll automatically slip into harmonies in a number of ways: exploring and trying to find something that works, mirroring backing tracks i can hear, and a combination of both.

given all this, back in 2017 as i sung along to sign of the times and all of the ensuing beauty i was struck by harry’s widespread and frankly gorgeous use of consonant harmonies in his self-titled debut album. the same pattern expanded in a beautiful way in fine line and has continued to intrigue me ever since.

this isn’t a unique feature, as i mentioned above consonant harmonies are just a really common musical tool, but together with harry’s effusive trans, fluid signaling (linking here to a great overview post by @bottomharrykingdom and here to one by @non-binharry of some key patterns if you’re not already familiar!), i think it’s worth paying closer attention to.

(this post won’t be cataloguing the things harry has said and done that make me and others think he might be trans, pls see those posts if you’re curious! rather i’ll be looking at his vocal/tonal symbology and what he might be communicating about his gender through his harmonies/arrangements given the larger context of his trans signaling)

phew! okay long intro for a long post. if you’re still keen, a *soft* analysis follows under the cut :) as a disclaimer, music is an art form and subjective analysis is a really wonderful way of engaging with art! it’s totally cool and valid if you don’t agree with this or if you experience harry’s music differently—that’s art! :)

i’ll be focusing on backing vocals only in harry’s voice for this analysis (and as such only released songs with studio tracks sorry to medicine and anna my loves), because of the gender theme. obviously he also has tons of choral backing by other voices in his songs and live performances with the different bands and i have a lot to say about that too (but that’s a whole other post, lmk if you’d want me to write it!).

to start off, let’s note that all 22 of harry’s solo songs (writing this jan 22, 2022 so y know who knows when hs3 is coming) contain some form of consonant harmonies that consist of the same melody sung by harry in different registers. the most common use of consonance in harry’s vocals is a melody in an alto/tenor pitch and a consonant harmony composed of the same melody sung in soprano/alto pitch.

okay, important disclaimer as we get into analyzing varying pitches:

lower pitches =/= “men” and higher pitches =/= “women”. the idea that pitches need to be gendered is archaic and partly constructed by the way that choirs were socialized to fulfill gender roles (ie. sopranos and altos were women, bass and tenors were men, sectionals were segregated by gender etc. etc.)

with that being said, these incorrect socialized notions tying gender to pitch are exactly that: widely socialized, and as such, when someone plays around with them, as harry often does when he switches into a higher register, it’s important to consider the fact that they are *likely aware of these socialized notions and might be playing with them*. am i saying that every vocalist who has ever sung higher or lower than their usual register is engaging in genderfuckery? no at least not knowingly. but once again, given harry’s gender signaling, i’m inclined to pay this closer attention.

it’s important to set this analysis within the broader context of genderfuckery: the resistance/rebellion of queer people against restrictive binary notions of gender. yes, gendered stereotypes/attributes are all socialized and made up. and yes, genderfuckery engages directly with those made-up notions. for example, someone with unshaved body hair wearing a dress is an example of a form of resistance against gender paradigms. this individual is using the unspoken socialized assumptions that dresses = women and visible body hair = men not because they believe those assumptions, but because they are using their social gender context to communicate their nonconformity with those norms.

i think that harry’s use of consonant harmonies in different registers achieves a similar form of genderfuckery! so if i refer to a higher register as denoting an aspect of femininity and vice versa, please remember i am not arguing there is anything inherently gendered about pitch of voice, just that they can be used as genderfucking tools to communicate facets of gender performance (literally, harry is singing this)!

alright, ready for some examples? buckle up, let’s look at a few songs in greater detail (i chose these bc i think they’re extra ✨gender✨ and bc they’re a delight to harmonize with, but that could really be said of every h song!). i could do all 22 but this post is going to be long enough as it is so i won’t, but do lmk if there are any songs you’d like more discussion on that i haven’t got to here!

meet me in the hallway

a beauty to harmonize with! we start off with some very faint backing vocals that feature a soft lower consonance that adds some rawness to this heartbreaking song.

in general, there’s a very echo-ey texture to mmith, which is a common feature to songs from hs1. harry used a ton of vocal doubling throughout his first album, though layered tracks or just recording the same notes multiple times with different textures/qualities to them. he also uses a ton of arena-style echoing in the production of this album. all this combines to create the sense that there are multiple harry’s singing, perhaps multiple selves/aspects to harry singing in unison, suggesting that there is a depth and complexity to his identity that he is trying to convey to us (um, sounding gender to you yet?) through his lyrics, vocalizations, and yes, harmonies (along w all the other musical aspects of his songs lol).

in the chorus we get the melody partnered with two harmonies:

- dissonance at a similar pitch to the melody (that is, a similar musical space but taking a slightly different journey)

- consonance at a higher pitch, a raw emotional yell!

we can really hear the rawness of this emotional turmoil expressed through harmony in the phrases “at the door”, “on the floor”, and the repetition of “gotta get better” (*sips tea in “we’ll be alright”*). this is the first track of hs1 and a beautiful introduction to a tool harry uses throughout both of his albums: packing emotional weight with his higher register.

sign of the times

we have some echoing here again, once more suggesting that there are many sides to harry, here perhaps that he is singing to himself in some capacity (*ahem* mother to a child...?)

we never learn, we been here before / why are we always stuck and running from / the bullets / the bullets

ah, the iconic pre-chorus in falsetto! quick note about falsetto: historically this was defined as men singing in a range higher than their usual register (it’s now more commonly acknowledged that anyone can sing in falsetto, and that it simply tends to be characterized by a usually breathy deliverance of a pitch significantly higher than the most comfortable register for a given singer). this gender context is important because the falsetto can read sort of as a form of historical vocal drag, through which male singers performed femininity. we’ll return to this!

sott has less overt consonant harmonies than some of harry’s other songs, but i’m including it in this analysis because i believe the way he plays with pitch is extremely relevant and ✨gender✨

i’m considering the falsetto pre-chorus as a temporally offset form of consonance to the register harry sings most of sott in. that is, the pre-chorus could easily be sung at the same pitch of the melody of the verse and chorus but harry chooses to upsweep into this falsetto (in the way that “we don’t talk enough” in the bridge matches the pitch of the rest of the song, for example). i think we get some clues as to why he might make this choice when we take a look at the emotionally weighty conclusion to sott.

when harry sings/yells “we got to get away” it’s in a higher register in two different forms:

- the breathy falsetto from the pre-chorus

- a clear chest voice (this gives the “yelling” quality to those final lines he belts)

remember that vocal drag? i think by marrying it with his “usual voice” we have harry tying together the gender implications in these two registers: harry can do the vocal drag, he can be a “man” singing like a “woman” and employ the falsetto, but he can also sing at this same high pitch in his chest voice that he usually sings with. this is harry singing in a register that has been historically staked out mostly for women singers, and it’s not necessarily easy, there’s an element of straining that just slips through the studio version (that results in some absolutely gorgeous vocal cracks in some of his live renditions), he’s yelling “we got to get away” from those bullets he sang about in his falsetto, but he’s doing it, he’s using all these different parts of himself, and the song ends on that triumphant note (cue sott music video with h literally soaring through a pink sunset above a blue ocean while clad in blue and white, fine line colors bby)

only angel

focusing first on the bridge here: wanna die / wanna die / wanna die tonight

he sings this bridge in three different voices:

1. normal harry alto (i call it an alto bc i’m usually an alto and it’s my “comfortable” voice, pls don’t @ me lol)

2. soprano for a higher consonant harmony

3. a second, even higher soprano consonant harmony by the end of the bridge!

this second soprano mingles with a guitar playing at a similar pitch. this is all to say, harry is well aware of how to use his vocal range as a musical tool.

i’m going to be pleading the case for temporally offset consonance here again and look at the fact that the last time he sings the chorus he does so an octave higher than usual.

this is super common in popular music! but i think it’s important to note in this song specifically because the backing vocals in this track (the “woohoo!”s, screams, etc.) are all in this higher pitch and he finally matches that pitch in this final chorus (sorta like harry conveys emotional weight in the resolution of his songs in his higher register...)

also there’s just something about h yelling “she’s an angel / my only angel” in that higher register that just does it for me, you know??

ever since new york

my actual beloved. we’re gonna focus on the gorgeous chorus:

oh tell me something i don’t already know

for most of the song we get this incredible line delivered in four main voices:

1. melody in usual register (harry alto)

2. consonant harmony an octave higher than melody

3. consonant harmony two octaves higher than melody (it’s faint, but sounds like a soft head voice to me rather than his falsetto)

4. consonant harmony an octave lower than melody

(holy fuck my nb heart <3)

paired with these lyrics, harry employing all four of these vocal tones builds this sense of fluidity and smooth encompassing of the historically “feminine” and “masculine” in choral arrangement. so gender. wow!

in the last round of the chorus (sensing a pattern...?), we can actually hear harry belting in the backing tracks at voice 3, that is, two octaves higher than the melody. there’s this marked shift from the soft texture he’s been using to a full-bodied yell. he does this in the behind the album live performance of esny linked here @ 4:00 onwards.

there’s a desperation, a raw emotional energy that’s heartbreaking when he yells in this higher pitch (also the fact that he yells this in the live performance but it’s fainter and in the background in the produced studio version? sort of like his desperation and turmoil has to be muted when produced for mass consumption? chills)

woman

okay so right from the start we have harry’s “la-la-la-la-la”s which come at us in consonant harmony: the usual harry alto register and a voice that’s one octave higher. so we immediately get this sense of a duality in the atmosphere of this song. i’m going to link here to a wonderful lyric analysis for this song by @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk (and while you’re there, go read all of ella’s close readings because they’re brilliant), which involves both some gender thoughts and interpretation of woman being about stunts and jealousy (which i think is super super convincing!! we’re just focusing on vocal symbology in this post).

alright, then we get to the chorus which is just WOMAN repeated in multiple layered consonant harmonies (harry delivers this word in caps lock, change my mind). it’s forceful, it’s questioning (“wo-WOMAN” almost a stumbling over words, almost a question, but spat out so forcefully), it’s fluid, it’s harry yelling WOMAN!

we get a consonant harmony in the verses for the first time with the line “i’m empty i know”, which is delivered in the usual harry alto and a higher register in harry’s head voice.

(empty? without the multitudes contained in the many voices singing WOMAN? interesting...)

we continue onto

this thing upon me / howls like a beast / you flower you feast

and here we get dissonance and consonance in the harmonies, seeming to vocally convey a harry who is struggling to reconcile all these parts of himself (herself?)

there is a rejoinder to this confusion and struggle in the final chorus (hmmm) when harry comes back in with the forceful WOMAN in multiple consonant harmonies. here we also have harry’s nonverbal backing vocals overlaid on the chorus for the first time, which contain both higher and lower registers, switching around, sort of growing towards ~a potential reconciliation~ of these different sides of harry, but the way he spits WOMAN at the end still contains heavy turmoil and angst.

woo! okay, go get some tea if you need it! we’re moving onto fine line baby.

we have more reconciliation when we get to fine line. i could write pages about the gender implications in every single song on this album (it was hugely important in me realizing i was genderfluid!!), *but* since this post is already so fucking long i’ll be focusing on two standout gender songs: she and fine line.

she

so much to say about harry’s vocal delivery and note changes in live performances of she, but we’re just focusing on the studio version for today!

okay so we’ve got a soft lower register in the verses to start with. employing a tone that has been socially coded as “masculine” as harry describes this man going about his day (he clarifies to us that this is a “man”!)

then we’ve got the iconic chorus:

she (she!) / she lives in daydreams with me (she!) / she’s the first one that i see / and i don’t know why / i don’t know who she is (she, she!)

similarly to his delivery of WOMAN, harry’s vocalization of the pronoun SHE is a forceful, straight from the heart bold caps lock moment. in the chorus we have a beautiful pairing of harry’s falsetto with an even higher falsetto that parallels (echoes?) it. so we now have consonant harmonies both occurring in falsetto!! let’s think back to the “vocal drag” in sott again. got it? now we have gender exploration and fluidity even within the “feminine”, so it’s not as clear-cut as harry is both masculine and feminine and reflects that duality in his vocal tone — there is depth and complexity contained even within harry’s her. (she!)

when we get to verse 2 we’ve got echoing vocals in both lower and higher registers but much softer than the raw force of the falsetto chorus, and by verse 3 we’ve got soft layered consonant harmonies gently invoking the power of the falsetto.

i love harry’s use of falsetto in she for so many reasons, but one i want to quickly emphasize here is the sheer force of it. given falsetto’s historical gendered coding, the fact that harry is employing it both softly and forcefully in his music speaks to me of a rich and complex relationship with gender in that he is both aware of these socially coded elements of “masculine” and “feminine” tonal expression, and is not only actively using both forms of expression to mess with binaries but also fucking with their social codes and questioning why we can’t use traditionally “feminine” voices to yell angst, as in she. it’s so much more complex than harry simply singing in a high voice and therefore being genderfluid. this is gender theory, vocal symbology, and truly exemplary g e n d e r f u c k e r y my friends!

fine line

my love. tattooed on my soul at all times. once again, lots to say on harry’s live renditions but we’re focusing on the studio version!

so we start off with verse 1 all in a higher register. we’ve got some vocal doubling here, with layered identical notes in two distinct voices:

1. a soft, breathy falsetto

2. a clear head voice

here the tonal exploration of his multitonal, multifaceted socially coded femininity that he established in she AND the echoing production quality/vocal doubling effects reminiscent of hs1 are all brought together. this is harry, singing with all his/her/their fluidity.

okay and now...for the moment we’ve all been waiting for:

we’ll be a fine line

as h introduces the line (ha) that will be repeated like an anthem, a gender hymn, a confessional, a promise, a mother comfort, he adds in another falsetto to the layered harmonies, one octave higher than the base pitch. she is here to stay.

we keep this blend of head voice, falsetto, and higher falsetto, building on that layered femininity and gender exploration as we move into verse 2.

test of my patience / there’s things that we’ll never know

(seriously, go check out the fine line close reading by @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk)

building up to the emotional concluding line of verse 2

spreading you open / is the only way of knowing you (alternately only way to know you)

where we get some chest voice in the backing vocals, packing an emotional punch. “spreading you open”, revealing what’s inside, just as harry builds tonal momentum as we move through this song, layering on the many aspects of their identity.

this is followed by a sweeping build-up to harry all-out yelling

we’ll be a fine line / we’ll be alright

in a gorgeous multitonal consonant harmony which includes the recently added chest voice. the s(he) that sailed away without telling his mates is coming into the shore now with full force and we’re coming with her, this is harry in all her complexity, deconstructed and reconstructed tonally all around us, ending on that sustained multi-layered consonant harmonic high note. SHE is here. within him.

as a brief personal aside that feels relevant to this discussion, when i sing along to fine line i tend to harmonize in lower registers than harry uses in this song and it’s honestly a pseudo-spiritual experience of gender affirmation to be dropping into the tenor i always wished i could sing in back in my early choir days while harry’s voice soars above me, melting into a beautiful symphonic whole.

okay okay okay phew got some water? feeling good? so are there any patterns we can draw from all this?

yes, i think so! (thank god is a woman).

1. harry consistently uses his higher register to emotionally underscore key moments in his songs, particularly the final choruses. he seems to preferentially convey emotional emphasis in tonal ranges sociohistorically coded as “for women” vocalists or perceived as “feminine” in their pitch

2. harry employs complex tonal fluidity in his songs as a form of fucking with the gendered social codes of the tones he’s using in (1). a key example of this is belting in his falsetto

in sum, i’m continually awed by the vocal symbology harry displays in his albums and i truly think this is a form of complex tonal genderfuckery on harry’s behalf!

a final note, because i can envision someone asking “well, how do we know harry is aware of all this? how do we know he’s consciously making these choices to reflect his gender identity?”

short answer: we don’t! but i don’t think this should stop us from engaging with his music in this way for a few reasons:

- he’s a professional musician. he’s trained for years in the industry, and is aware of vocal theory — it’s his job. i think it’s important to give him credit for how intelligent and thoughtful he is about his art. to me it seems clear that he’d at the very least be aware of the social gender codes in the artistic choices he’s making

- the question of conscious choices in artistic symbology is an interesting one. i personally find (and i think this is a common feeling among many artists!) that sometimes i set out with clear intent to make a stylistic/metaphorical choice in a creative work, but more often than not i create something and then look back at it and go “oh”. and realize the depth to it that may have come out of subconscious creative processes while i was making it. and then expand on that as i revise it. i don’t think this is any less valid than setting out to create something with a specific symbolism from the get-go and often reflects deep internal musings

- can all of harry’s songs be about gender? didn’t he only “figure it out” during the making of fine line? as a genderfluid bb, i would argue “figuring out” you’re trans is often (though not always) more of a gradual realizing than a definite eureka! moment. connected to the above point, it’s totally possible (and i think very likely and backed up by years of harry playing around with gender) that harry was messing around with gender through his harmonies and vocal tones for years before fine line whether or not he was explicitly acknowledging it as a “gender thing” at that point!

- finally, if harry truly is unaware of the gender symbology in his vocal layerings and this is just me finding affirmation where it didn’t intentionally exist (i find this unlikely but of course it is possible): then that’s okay. it’s okay! it still means that i, a trans person, have found safety and comfort and love in harry’s music and that’s beautiful and amazing and something i’m sure he would support regardless of his intent.

going to stop here but there’s always so much more that could be said. if you’ve read all this way thank you so very much!! <3<3<3<3 i love harry and (s)he has given me so much gender love and support over the years!

if you liked this there’s lots more soft analyses i’d love to do (including but not limited to: aforementioned choral backing vocals, fish!, nonverbal backing vocalizations like screaming!) so lmk if you’d wanna see that! :)

specifically, a logical follow-on to this post would be an exploration of harry’s live note changes and how they play into this notion of gender and musical consonance. much gender love and fine-line-ing to you all <3<3<3

#harry discussions #song analysis #fine line analysis #hs1 analysis #vocal symbology #consonance #gender gender gender #butterfly h #long post!#hopefully i now get some sleep tonight lol #please do lmk if this post makes sense or makes you feel anything!#i would love to hear from you

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fuu-miku · 2 years

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An autistic reading of Draco Malfoy

Ok so I’m fresh back from a shower and I had a galaxy brain moment and, it sounds kind of far fetched at first but I wouldn’t be making this post if it didn’t have a surprisingly fitting amount of groundwork so hear me out: autistic Draco Malfoy

Now this is going to be a long analysis, and kinda angsty, brace yourselves. Yes this is me, former bully undiagnosed autistic troublemaker gifted kid, projecting stuff onto him bc I see similarities. I’ll write this kind of like a narrative because I find it easier to show what I mean that way, but keep in mind not everything I say MUST mean he’s autistic. Yes, I’m aware neurotypicals and autistic people do share some ways of reasoning, thank you. I touch on a lot of topics from his friends to his bullying to his academic life so you can look at the first sentence of a paragraph if you’re looking for something in particular. I’m concentrating more on seeing canon through autistic lenses rather than making my own headcanons, so you won’t really see much original content, just speculations. It’s not all that well organized though, my apologies, I should be writing a college essay right now lol. I might edit this to make it cleaner and explain better in the future, this is kind of just me rambling right now. Also this is just a headcanon I like and constructed from thinking, so I’m not trying to convince you he absolutely is autistic and cannot be seen otherwise, but if you straight up try to tell me I’m wrong and he couldn’t be, please don’t waste your breath.

So first of all, I’ve always imagined Draco being rather sheltered before Hogwarts, yeah? Private tutors at home, probably having more fancy parties than playtime with kids his age, etc etc. So he was taught high society etiquette and rules, told the world was a certain way, but never got much on hand experience, either with the world or with genuine or casual social interactions.

So when he got to Hogwarts, a place where everything is wacky and different? Well, being of a rather curious nature and having been taught to be proud of his wizard heritage, all of the flaunted and unknown magic was pretty cool. Seeing all the students was a bit intimidating, but he was taught he was the center of the world and everyone at mother’s parties fell at his knees, so he was confident he’d be right at home and be liked. So when the chosen one rejected him so categorically? That was new and humiliating, and threatening, and scary. If we look at some autistic traits, routine is important and you must mentally prepare for new things, and for later on, black and white thinking as well as ideological and moral rigidity are very common, which can make self-introspection and such much harder and categorical.

Crabbe and Goyle became his lackeys, and while he maybe didn’t consider himself super close to them or anything, Draco did think of them as friends. It’s not like he had much other friendships to compare it to, they befriended him because of his name and confidence and that’s what Draco knew of social interactions so he didn’t question it. They weren’t much for intellectually challenging him, so he prob felt kinda superior to them as well. They weren’t willing to challenge him on anything else, either, which I cannot stress how important that is. As an autistic kid, first of all being undiagnosed sucks because you don’t just sus out vibes and learn things that way, so to not get much social contact and have your only friends be doormats without personnalities? He’s in an echo chamber, no one is telling him why or what he’s doing is wrong, he’s brooding and making his own twisted view of how the world is from his limited experience of the general human experience. Draco not noticing his friends were polyjuiced in chamber of secrets is very telling imo, he does most of the talking and Crabbe and Goyle just kinda listen and nod along or laugh in agreement, Draco is used to seeing everyone else as less complex or important.

From what we see of the movies and books, he has very high grades without making much efforts. That leads me to believe that, like me, he tends to get understimulated more than overstimulated. He doodles in class and can do other things that make it seems like he doesn’t care or isn’t paying attention, but actually it helps him concentrate and remember the lesson more. That effortless and careless look from the outside means that people generally assume he just has that devil-may-care attitude, that he flaunts his smarts and is kind of an overall asshole. The teachers generally let him do his thing since he gets the grades, but it doesn’t mean that prejudice isn’t there. If he does miss something, doesn’t understand a part of the matter or anything, the blame gets pinned on him, he gets dismissed, told he should just try harder, things like that. And let me tell you that builds up resentment. You’re going to tell me I meet the criterias for success in your class easily and even though it’s literally your job to be there to help us, me not stroking your ego constantly and succeeding my own way gives you ground to be petty and judge me? K thanks Mcgonagall. And because Harry & the golden trio have a soft spot in most of the teachers’ hearts, get turned into a ferret type of soft spot, get constant academic recognition while you don’t because she can’t stop spewing textbook extraits and basically be outwardly a good student rather than inwardly, get a lot of passes on laziness & breaking rules because you’re the chosen one’s best friend while you get told off if you bring slightly unsatisfactory grades to your father, that. Builds up. Resentment. Additionally, from his attitude in many classes I can really see him complaining about classes and teachers all the time because he thinks a lesson was pointless, or the teacher taught this in an inefficient way, or that exercise was stupid, etc. He frequently wishes teachers would be clearer in their lessons and directives, and he feels like he could have explained it more comprehensively than them, essentially. Getting to the why things work the way they do so students can understand and remember by logic rather than memorizing book passages. But in the end, it’s just because he learns differently, not that the teachers are incompetent.

Because he was raised to think he was inherently better than everyone else because of his pure blood and family, it was kind of just logical to see his difference as a result of that, an effect/trait of his superiority. He’s more logically inclined, often says things that unvoluntarily piss of others so that makes him feel more cool headed in comparison, he learns more instinctually and faster than others generally, he’s somewhat of a social outcast, aka he feels like a black sheep and that just widens the gap his pureblood prejudices had already made, so telling himself his difference is just that makes it easier to swallow, it just seems logical. They were the ones who were different from him, not the reverse. He was smarter, better educated and he was the one who could truly call the moral shots in his mind, in a true “I am the anime protagonist and cannot be wrong and you all are peasants” kind of way.

And that’s where we come to his bullying/obsession of the golden trio. I genuinely think that he saw Harry’s rejection as him being wronged. So he’s angry, resentful and Harry made himself his rival, picking on him whenever he can and fighting back just feels... Natural? And it’s not like anyone is stopping him either, truly where tf were the teachers. He doesn’t think he can be wrong, so that means it’s them that are wrong, and if someone dislikes him it’s probably their fault and not his. He doesn’t think he can be wrong, and since the only people who tell him he is are people he already sees as not worthy of respect, people that are out to get him, etc, and everyone he does respect like his slytherin friends, his family, Snape, etc, share his opinions, enable him or let him do whatever he wants, he just doesn’t actually consider what they tell him, even though to us questioning Draco’s morality for his bullying seems obvious. Because he was raised to assume everyone’s shortcomings/fault before his own, and because of a defense mechanism because the alternative is realizing your whole world view is based on lies and misconceptions as I hinted at, it influences absolutely all of his interactions with the world.

And that brings me to my final statement that getting diagnosed would do him tremendeous good, having everything be put into perspective and finally getting shown experiences he relates to would speed up his maturing process significantly and save him pain, confusion and loneliness in the long run for sure, but in the moment? He would flip his *shit*. He would have a breakdown, be in extreme denial. He’d have to get used to the idea, getting exposure to stuff about autism until he can begrundgingly admit to himself that he sees himself in some of it, and eventually he’ll have made his peace with it. And then he’d have a burnout and reevaluate his philosophy and existentialism and he’d come out of it not giving any shit at all and never masking another minute of his life again /hj Getting diagnosed with autism would be similar to getting a big wake up call slap in the face about everything his pureblood raising being wrong times 100, because it’s not just your social bringing up but also literally how your brain is wired and it’s innate. It takes all his insecurities and experiences as a black sheep and told him he was the wrong one in the situation, actually he was the weird one that should have complied rather than the other way around, so like it’ll take him some time to come to terms with that and replaying his lense with the newfound perspective and realizing all the hints were there and no one bothered to point him in the right direction.

Back to the golden trio real quick, I do think at some point though, his hatred for them was just fueled by more hatred rather than any real reason. Bullying them just became part of his routine, natural, and that’s that. Also, he liked joining the inquisitorial squad not only bc he likes power but also he’s just a sucker for rules and he doesn’t think anyone should be able to break them without consequence so he just liked being able to tell on people and “put them in their place”. “Rules are meant for everyone, and you’re not special.” kinda way of seeing things, even if the rules are negatively affecting everyone.

I won’t talk about sixth year or the war much because,, his being sad and scared and alone was pretty straightforward and average lmao war just sucks but, I think in an autistic reading it’s interesting to note how easily he can isolate himself and erase himself from people’s attention. I have no doubt Draco thrives and enjoys being in the spotlight and treated as a slytherin prince, but considering that and how little friends he actually has i think it’s interesting how he doesn’t have that much social presence or following. Since he’s undiagnosed, I do think eventually not understanding how others’ minds work and getting challenged on ethics and how the world is makes him very confused and that would play into his absolute misery & agony in sixth year, like making his confusion and dilemma not only moral and personal stakes but also existential like “wtf is going on, I understand nothing about the world I can’t begin to think about making such huge choices”.

Ultimately, his confidence and sense of superiority where nothing is ever his fault is what makes him look extroverted imo. He’s outgoing and takes up space because he doesn’t think he could do something to be self-conscious over, but that doesn’t mean he can read people well. I actually think he’s rather piss at reading people, or being liked, he doesn’t seem to be generally liked, what with his only two friends just following him around bc it’s just how things are. His interactions with others are often shallow, or he doesn’t realize when he has said something wrong so he doesn’t notice when people start disliking him. Or if they start being rude to him he gets all righteous and meets their dislike tenfolds. He really doesn’t get that saying “my father will hear about this” is seen as uncool. His pureblood etiquette lessons and practice at social parties and his time at Hogwarts getting slaps in the face and realizing he can be disliked definitely make me think he masks a lot, but I think it’s a very instinctive and unconscious thing he does and he doesn’t realize it. I was that way as a young kid unaware that people found me annoying lol so autistic introverted people definitely can be super outgoing and loud and take up space, especially if they just don’t have the mind to be self-conscious because they’re not aware they can come across wrong and be misunderstood or seen as whatever. Actually you know what? That really reminds me of book 1 Hermione as well, if you want to read about autistic Hermione Granger and look at the parallels I’m talking about read this article https://medium.com/@AlexGabriel/hermione-is-autistic-2682485aa4bf

And?? He’s a creative artistic little shit?? He draws, he made badges and even a song for his bullying efforts. I don’t know why but autistic people really tend to be artistically inclined so it’s worth noting

And yes because autism is hereditary, I think Narcissa would be autistic. She fits really well with the general portrait of autism in women. She’s definitely undiagnosed, and like with Draco strict pureblood society standards taught from a young age made it so she passed under the radar pretty easily. She’s reserved in a way that often make people overlook her, but she’s there, calculating, and without you noticing next thing you know she has you figured out. I think, while etiquette can be stifling, Narcissa would rather enjoy all the high society rules; knowing what to expect, being all proper and steering away from uncomfortable situations, and if she wants to make an exception or she doesn’t have the patience for something, because of her Malfoy & Black standing she has the power to put her foot down and be like “Yeah, I just did this thing, what about it?” with only a look and a fake smile. I imagine she’d be the kind to have a profound distaste for pointless/fake acts with people, you know, if the person isn’t the dark lord and her survival isn’t dependent on it. And if it’s in the Black family, I enjoy the thought of Sirius being autistic as well and... Okay guys I don’t enjoy likening my stigmatized difference to an unhinged evil murderer but it would make sense for Bellatrix. It would be Draco’s resentment at feeling different and stuck and unjustly treated times one hundred, and in comes Voldemort with a tantalizing social revolt manifesto. Also she gives 0 shit about making her facial expressions “normal” or passing and that would be pog if she wasn’t the literal worst. We don’t know much about Andromeda but from the fanon I’ve seen I would love the autstic cottagecore witch vibes, she can be the quiet gentleness to Narcissa’s cold calculating and Bellatrix’s wild carelessness. Lucius is outnumbered in the family and he’s very tired all of the time lmao

In conclusion, Draco Malfoy is an autistic kid that takes everything at face value and is socially dumb but book smart and has a superiority complex and has a severe lack of guidance & of positive figures in his life. He is lonely and confused and different and he’ll never learn why because everyone assumes the worst of him instead of trying to understand. Anyways I spent 2 hours writing this help. Btw not trying to justify his shitty behavior, it’s still shitty, but yeah Draco Malfoy is one angsty dude through and through and he deserved better than Lucius fcking Malfoy lowkey

Additionally, this post has a nice alternative perspective of it and included things like how quidditch/flying on a broome can be a very sensorially pleasing experience or his interest in some subjects or slicking back his hair and- hell yes https://theawkwardqueerturtle.tumblr.com/post/172861957048/kay-but-like

#harry potter #harry potter headcanon #Draco Malfoy #Draco Malfoy Headcanon #autistic draco malfoy #asd #Headcanon #autistic headcanon #narcissa malfoy #bellatrix black #mycontent #autism harry potter #neurodivergence

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ozzo-the-wozzo · 3 years

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Happy 6 year anniversary miraculous! (And a late 3 year anniversary to my first ml fandom post!)

So on a few days ago 3 years ago, I made this rather cringy (but still very nostalgic) post, making it so that after I lurked in the fandom since 2016 doing nothing but liking posts, this was my first formal introduction to the ML fandom.

(Post gets long so here’s a cut lol)

I’ve seen A LOT in my time here... people making (and, more laughably) debunking theories on Gabriel being hawkmoth before season 2 aired, the breakdancing au, pinkdrien, brown/grey eyed marinette, pizza bug and cola cat, the cursed adrichat saga, the fandom freaking out over the frozer trailer when it came out because it teased a reveal, the WAVE of salt after Chameleon aired (and the freak out over the chameleon trailer), when Oblivio first aired, the finale for season 3 airing before 3 crucial episodes, one of which was chat blanc, chat blanc being spoiled to hell and back, and, well, when chat blanc first dropped, when the ml instagrams dropped (and when @buggachat got blocked by Adrien Agreste himself shortly after), the adricat day, and, on a more recent scale, when Alya found out Mari was Ladybug, when Mr. Pigeon 72 broke tumblr, when Optigami put the fandom into a theory frenzy, the luka reveal, and many, many more happy memories!

The ml fandom on here has been a family to me for the longest. I joined this hellhole in middle school, and now Im writing this from my college dorm!! Many of the blogs i’ve looked up to and even chatted with for some time were run by people who were teens when I first joined, and now those people are in their 20s. We all grew up together, in a way, never leaving this rather dumpster fire of a show no matter how far from the age range we got, because it means so much to us.

That’s what the fandom has done for me, but as for what I’ve given back, in a weird kind of way I feel like i’ve left both a decent amount of impact on the fandom and none at all. Every time I make shitposts about the new episodes or news or whatever, they always end up reaching a high amount of notes, which always makes me feel good in the moment because it means people find my random ranting and raving FUNNY, you know? I’m nowhere near a blog you can name off the top of your head when shouting out ml tumblr blogs, I don’t make art or write fan fic, im not known for making groundbreaking theories or analysis that take the fandom by storm,but I still manage to make a little lighthearted impact every now and again, and that’s all I need, ya know?

You guys are amazing, and while everything in my life changes ml and this fandom never does. This show has brought me so much comfort and introduced me to so many people, so.... here’s to 6 years! Can’t wait to be with y’all for 6 more at the rate this is airing ;_)

#ahhhh this SHOWWQWW #ml 6 year anniversary #ml anniversary #miraculous ladybug #mlb #ml #ml spoilers #mlb spoilers #miraculous #mine #miraculous ladybug spoilers

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erectionsandtea · 3 years

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Wow, this post is probably going to end up being a bad idea, because I am currently in the state of exhaustion that is telling me that this post is a good idea, lol

I'm p sure this will be pointless and unnecessary, though

The following post is an analysis, not of any ship or fandom specifically, but about me in relation to a certain ship in a certain fandom (Byler, ST). It's just a something to let my followers know a little bit more about me, and why I think the way I do, why I talk the way I do, in relation to the ship, and why I might try to avoid certain posts (theories, analyses, "proof" type things).

If you start to read this, please finish before interacting with me. I don't want anyone to take anything I write out of context.

Now, I don't know if this should be considered an anti-Byler post, because I'm not saying that I don't ship it...I guess it could be perceived that way, but it's not how I intend it to be. Bylers proceed with caution, as some of this may not be what you want to hear.

Also, I have been called out (for lack of better phrasing) for a possible trigger of calling a gay couple "just best friends" (Byler). The person who told me, said it was because they themselves had personally been in a situation exactly like that before. While I do not personally, fully know what that must be like (not having been in that situation myself, as I recall...), I CAN try to understand, and try to be more sensitive about that subject. So, I guess a trigger warning for...apparently internalized homophobia of calling a gay couple "just best friends" ???

I want to start by saying that I do not view Byler as canon (yet). That doesn't mean I don't think it can become canon, it doesn't mean that I don't ship it at all, because I do (to both of those).

Back when I initially didn't ship Byler at all, it was mostly because Mileven got in the way, lol, but the SECONDARY reason was that I saw a lot of myself and my friendships in them.

Yes, I was one of those people who thought that two same-sex people can be just friends (and I still am, but not specifically with Byler anymore).

I act the same way with my best friends, and I feel I would react the same way Mike did, if what happened to Will happened to one of my bffs. Basically, nothing about Byler specifically stood out to me as "gay". It just looked like a regular very-close friendship to me.

I was in drama and choir in high school. We changed in front of people, I had one friend who would grab my boobs on a daily basis, just because she could (it spawned from a running joke about how big my boobs are, in comparison to my tiny body). I've even seen some of my friends completely nude (and they have seen me). We've held hands. And while most, if not all of us, were somewhere on the rainbow spectrum (as I like to call it), all the things we did, we just did as friends and being friendly. Being queer wasn't exactly a big part of it.

Now, I'm not saying that all drama and choir kids will be the exact same as me. That's just how I ended up, and I think that's why I just see things differently (not saying I'm special by any means, everyone is different).

Anyway, Byler just didn't strike me as gay for each other. I AM of the opinion that Will is absolutely gay, lol, and I think Mike is definitely not straight (although I really don't see hard evidence for either, but I want it to be true). And I think there is absolutely potential for Byler, AND a likelihood for them to become canon.

I have read some Byler theories, and a lot of them make sense, and some pretty good points. Like how Mike keeps staring at Will's lips. On the one hand, I've done that to my friends, when I'm just staring off into space and happen to be looking at their lips, or their boobs, or whatever.

On the other hand, Mike was clearly not staring off into space, lol, he was focused.

But while the analyses and theories do make a lot of sense, that is just how I'm seeing them for now - theories, and analyses (which can neither be wrong nor right, usually). Until we get some hard, concrete proof, which, by my definition, is going to come either straight from the writer's/creator's mouths, or will show up in ST4, I do not consider anything I see from those theories as real proof or evidence.

I also know that it has been pointed out that the Duffers have put in certain details or, for ex., been very selective with certain music choices, or cinematography choices, etc. I totally see that. But you know, sometimes things in a book, movie, or show weren't meant to happen in the first place, and are just coincidences that we, the fans, take and just roll with (like the lip staring thing, for instance). I'm not necessarily saying that I believe everything the theories say are just coincidences (because I don't believe that at all, for some things), I'm just saying there are possibilities.

Another part of why I try to avoid analyses is honestly because I think they make so much sense, and the Mileven shipper in me wants Mileven to stay canon, but the analyses make so much sense that that shipper is afraid they might be right, lol. But that really doesn't have anything to do with this analysis.

I guess the point of this post is just to say that, I should be allowed to think that two same-sex people can be just friends, without being slandered and labeled as homophobic

(Because if you honestly think I am homophobic, I will link you to my Reddie fanfiction and all the other gay ships I ship which probably outnumber the straight ones, lol, I will refer you to my bisexual best friends and my bisexual father, I will even show you photos of myself marching in Pride parades. Plus, I will remind you that I am not at all straight myself.)

because not all same-sex relationships are gay, just like not all opposite-sex relationships are romantic.

THIS IS COMING FROM A BYLER SHIPPER. Just because I do not view them as canon right now doesn't mean that I don't think they will ever become canon. If they do become canon, the Byler shipper in me will be very happy! If they don't, that shipper in me will wish they had. Viewpoints can change. I guess it just takes more to persuade me. I like Byler, I just like Mileven a little bit more. That literally doesn't mean anything. It's nothing more than a preference.

So like, I guess I'm sorry that my life/my upbringing/my relationships and friendships have made me see things differently ?? I'm sorry that I didn't pick up on the same subtext as all of you ???

I'm probably coming off as a rude-ass bitch, but you were bound to find that out about me eventually.

P.S. I know that some of the homophobia comments are directed at shippers who are, very possibly, homophobic. But those comments do not apply to all of us, and we shouldn't be grouped up together just because we have ONE similar opinion (which isn't even based on the same reasoning).

I guess, if you can't accept and respect my opinion that, canonically, Byler is CURRENTLY just best friends (even though I do want them to be more), until we get proof from the source, we might not get along. I am willing to discuss the possibility, and even look at some theories occasionally, on why they might end up canon/together. But until then, it's only speculation to me, and I would appreciate it if I were not attacked for this (although I'm sure they will be).

I do not go around looking for people/posts just so I can tell them they are wrong, I respect everyone's opinion. I hope that the same can be done for me.

Thank you. <3

P.P.S. if this makes any of my Byler followers want to unfollow me, I understand (I will miss you, though)

#stranger things #I will not tag the ship in question as most shippers might not want to read this or will take it the wrong way #analysis #about me #I'm gonna take a nap now and will probably delete this later #this probably won't make any sense oh god

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makeste · 3 years

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BnHA 6th Popularity Poll Reaction Post - Risky Spoiler-Dodging Edition

hey guys, so seeing as the results from the 6th popularity poll were leaked today, I figured I would do a separate reaction + analysis post this year, rather than piling it in as an extra on top of the chapter reaction post tomorrow. I figure this makes more sense anyway, since they’re really two completely different things. also this way I can write as much as I want lol.

also, just fyi, I am still completely unspoiled for chapter 293. and probably the smart thing to do to keep it that way would be to log off tumblr and hold off posting this until tomorrow, but I apparently have no impulse control today so oh well. anyway, so I’m hoping you guys will keep this spoiler-free if you don’t mind! as always, I would prefer to just jump right in completely unaware tomorrow like Troy returning to the study room with the pizza boxes lol.

okay so this first part is just going to be my predictions. fyi I am writing this part on Wednesday night, and then I’ll add on the results part on Thursday or Friday (ETA: Thursday, apparently, since I am impatient.)

okay so first of all, just as a refresher, this poll was open to Japanese voters from Aug 3 to Sep 30. meaning chapters 279 through 285. meanwhile last year’s poll took place around the tail end of the MVA arc. so between then and now we had Heroes Rising, the Endeavor Agency arc, and the War arc up to the part where the 1-A kids took on Gigantomachia in Gunga, and started battling Tomura in Jakku. so technically only a couple of arcs, but a LOT of stuff going down in them. oh and season 4 of the anime as well

so! firstly, I predict that my truculent africanized honeybee son will hold on to his crown at #1, coming off a year in which he did some internship-boosted soul searching, borrowed OFA in movie canon, and finished out the voting period as the my-body-moved-on-its-own character development MVP. like CALL ME CRAZY lol, but I’m pretty sure his title is safe. and then after him will be Deku and Shouto as usual

Aizawa should hopefully also have a strong showing because the dude had a banner fucking year. reunited with his old dead friend, took on Tomura with his hopelessly inept hero pals, and then chopped his fucking leg off. he had better be in the top 10. his fucking leg died for this, idk what else he has to do

Endeavor also stands a decent chance of doing well given the internship arc and the final episode of season 4. which I’m sure will go down just swimmingly if that does happen lmao. especially if he somehow manages to rank higher than...

Dabi, which I don’t think he will btw, but you never know. anyways though, but I’m thinking Dabi’s going to have a stronger showing than in past years (in the last poll he only got 367 votes and was ranked 19th). mostly because of his fight in the Gunga mansion, and his cheekily censored name reveal to...

Hawks, who is also going to rank pretty high here, I think. might be he loses some points for killing off Twice, but his back was basically to the wall there. and he has always been very popular, and I think season 4 will also give him a boost, along with his heavy involvement in the first half of the War arc

Tomura was already in 6th place last year and I think he cracks the top 5 this year. he’s gotten exponentially more popular since the MVA arc, and got a boost in the last poll even though his flashback had only just barely happened, and he hadn’t finished Awakening yet and all that stuff. anyway, so he’s only gotten cooler and more tragic since then so I think he makes a big play here

Kirishima, Momo, Tokoyami, and Mina should also hopefully do well, since the poll opened right in the middle of all that Gigantomachia action, and Toko had just got done being an absolute badass and protecting his birb dad. I don’t think he’ll quite make it to the top ten, but he should

and last but not least, I’m hoping that Mirko will come out and take the polls by storm, although I have no clue how popular she is in Japan lol. she’s clearly Horikoshi’s favorite though. she SHOULD be everyone’s favorite, but I mean, we’ll see how it goes

anyway that’s it as far as predictions! and so now, through the magic of writing stuff at different times, we will fast-forward to the part where we actually find out the results!

OH MY GOD YES, STEAMPUNK KHLKSLLKL. HERE FOR IT. JOLLY GOOD SHOW. 5 STARS

Kacchan looks SO COCKY and SO HAPPY and SO ADORABLE, YES I SAID IT. he is adorable as FUCK. I don’t quite know what it is about this particular Kacchan that just screams “LOOK HOW FUCKING CUTE MY STUPID, LOUD SON IS WITH HIS BIZARRE WINDOWPANE-LOOKING CONVERTIBLE SUNGLASS GOGGLES and his POORLY TIED CRAVAT”, but I think it’s because he looks like if a Digimon character and a FMA character had a baby

anyway, so it looks like most of the people present here are more or less who we expected to see. except that I can’t tell for sure if that’s Dabi or Shindou, and if it’s Shindou I’m going to punch somebody in the face so you will have to excuse me

Iida wearing a TRENCHCOAT and a TOP HAT with ENGINE EXHAUST GOGGLE ACCENTS is my new favorite Iida of all time. take note how there is no possible way he can wear those goggles with them sitting on top of his hat like that. plus he’s already got glasses on. these are just purely for aesthetic and IF THAT AIN’T JUST THE STEAMPUNK WAY

Deku out here speaking softly and carrying a lead pipe. Kacchan you best look out. seems like he’s done watching you take first place year after year while he languishes in the number two spot. your only hope is that he trips while attacking you because his boots are unbuckled

Shouto’s standing over there with the rest of the non-first-and-second-place characters, but what are the odds his results are actually within spitting distance of Deku’s same as always. anyway he doesn’t mind, though. also his outfit is by far the most sensible one here, but if you look closely he’s got some sort of fire extinguisher/jet pack thing strapped to his back that’s got a control switch on his belt. Shouto are you jetpacking or putting out fires

Kirishima out here all “I’m not sure what steampunk is so I’m just going to take off my shirt and pose”

AIZAWA WITH THE EYEPATCH SKLKSDLKFJLSKJLDFKJSLDFFJLDKSJFL:KS. SIR. SIR. also, lowkey furious that Horikoshi refuses to show us the automail leg that he is clearly sporting here but which we just can’t see, SHOUTO MOVE GODDAMMIT

Endeavor has TWO fire extinguisher-slash-jetpacks. THE BETTER TO... WHATEVER. look at you here in the top ten again. you really live for that controversy

HAWKS OUT HERE WITH HIS STEAMPUNK BEATS BY DRE AND HIS WEARING A RING ON EVERY FINGER. nice to see you’ve still got your wings there, kiddo. then again Deku still has both of his arms too so who even knows what is going on

BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH, IS THIS DABI OR SHINDOU. as if I don’t know the truth deep down in my heart. y’all I am gonna flip lmao. it’s not that I dislike Shindou, strictly speaking. but just... I can’t explain what it is, but if you put him and AFO next to each other and told me “you can only punch one”, I would be having a serious crisis. just, THIS FUCKING GUY, idek. STOP SMILING

Tomura looks like he just wandered onto the set here by mistake and has no idea where he is or what is going on. it’s because you’re wearing a bigass severed hand that’s blocking your entire view, Tomura. just take the hand off your face my sweet murder dumpling

anyway! so I managed to also find a link to the full poll results while somehow managing to avoid spoilers, and then I wanted to compare the results to last year’s poll, and so I made... this

hopefully you can all see this. if you’re on desktop you might be screwed, but on mobile you should be able to click and enlarge it. I mean, assuming you actually give a fuck about boring poll analysis spreadsheets lmao

anyway, so there were actually 13k fewer votes cast this year which is a bit of a surprise. is the series not still growing in popularity? do people apparently have better things to do during their quarantine lol

anyways but despite this, and despite getting 8k fewer votes overall, Kacchan still managed almost twice as many as his closest competitor. well fought, Deku. please put down that pipe

I somehow always underestimate the power of ship popularity to influence these things. but for example, it looks like Present Mic got that Vigilantes Trio bump. ride that wave for all it’s worth my man! hell, you got me on board

Iida fucking Tenya somehow got some sort of POWER BOOST out of NOWHERE which I can’t explain at all lmao, but I’m here for it. NOT BAD FOR AN OLD MAN

Sero managed to get the exact same number of votes in both 2019 and 2020. clearly the most loyal fans in the business

Mirko being all the way down at #20 is, of course, a travesty, and I hereby nominate her to be the one to punch Shindou in the face

ngl though, the lack of a single female character in the top ten hurts just a bit. it’s not overly surprising, but still. the worst part of it is that even if you kicked Shindou to the curb and moved everyone else up one slot, it would still be all dudes since Mic beat out Momo by a margin of a little more than a hundred votes. hard to stay mad at Mic for too long, though. ah well

Tomura actually lost a bunch of votes which is a genuine surprise to me. I know the villain standom isn’t as dominant in Japan as it is in Western fandom, but still. you can go ahead and punch Shindou too I guess

Tokoyami lowkey doubled his vote count over the past year while hiding down there at #18. he is slowly becoming more powerful. biding his time

anyway so I think that’s it! I mean not really, but I’m getting kind of tired lol. so just, you know, insert the usual gripes at Overhaul’s ranking here, although we can be happy about Magne making her way onto the list (r.i.p.), and Mineta and AFO taking a very satisfying slide down (all the way out, in AFO’s case; good riddance you bum). Hadou also got a huge boost which is awesome. Mustard’s persistent ownership of the #36 spot will forever remain a mystery to me, but oh well

anyways, this was fun. and I really do feel like everyone is looking away on purpose so that when Deku brains Kacchan with that pipe in about two seconds from now, there will be no witnesses, oh my fucking god

#bnha 293 #bnha popularity poll #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #todoroki shouto #aizawa shouta #shigaraki tomura #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha

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lookotherway · 2 years

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Honestly don’t get why you are all acting like that flashback shits on Enji or ruins his character, when it’s just a flashback of when he was still awful, of course it wasn’t going to show him all fine and dandy now was it? It doesn’t change anything, he’s still a developed character still getting his atonement arc and the flashback was perfectly fine. We all knew he got worse after Touya’s “death” so Hori had to show him being awful. It wouldn’t of worked if it showed him being better. Also you talk as if Dabi and Touya are two separate beings when they’re not Dabi is Touya. And it’s not like this flashback or backstory justifies his crimes, it’s literally just showing us how he came to be and his side of the story. Doesn’t suddenly mean he’s justified!

like, i litterally explained your questions on that post and the reblogs under it.

yes, it is a flashback of when Endeavor was a douchebag shithead, which is why i told my friends that Dabi's backstory doesn't conflict Endeavor's character development nor Dabi’s homicide. It, however, contradicts to Endeavor's character.

i’m kind of lazy right now so i won’t drop in any picture, but you can go and reread the manga from chapter 243 to 249, Endeavor Agency arc. tbh i just reread it yesterday and today while answering this ask. if you do reread them, you will see how surprisingly high intelligent Endeavor is. i found it hard to put in the right words to give that stinky old man enough credit, for him as a hero, not a father. Endeavor had had his No.2 rank since he was 20. he, as a Pro Hero, is very keen and accountable, instantly understands Deku’s confusing self-analysis, gives appropriate advices and instructions for the kids training under his armpit, constantly looks after his jurisdiction, his techniques are unblemished. let’s just say he only got the No.1 armchair because All Might retired (which’s 100% truth), but Endeavor has never once not lived up to his No.2 reputation.

look, one of my fav moment

(chapter 248, btw, and he just walked straight away without a single “are you alright?” lol)

Endeavor is ultimately a high IQ low EQ bitch, or a great person outdoor but worst person at home.

are you telling me that this man didn’t know throwing steel bars at his eight year old son could permanently injured him, or ultimately killed him? he is a shitty, abusive father, but with his goal at that time was Shouto to surpass All Might, he had to know how to train a young child, not some shits like... steel bars or punches or bamboo sword. and like, he trained Touya before at the same incredibily young age? if he had known how to train Touya properly then why he didn’t know how to train Shouto properly but instead setting down with such violent actions. Shouto was, is literally irreplaceable. Endeavor didn’t give two shits about one’s menality, but he did to one’s physicality; high IQ, low EQ.

it logically contradicts to Endeavor’s character. either it is Horikoshi wanted Endeavor to look bad to the point he shits on his own writing, or Horikoshi wanted Dabi to be more pathetic and touching. or both.

yeah he got worse after Touya’s death, but my point still standing.

not to mention what kind of No2 Pro Hero in mourning didn’t garnish his mansion with security system? an Asian mansion with three kids under fifteen, an old housekeeper and a driver?

yeah i know story/manga is unrealistic to some point, but any unrealistic came from the same source: the reality; which means no matter how unrealistic it is it has to be logic to some point too.

and yeah, i did talk as if Dabi and Touya are two separate beings because... Touya’s reaction at that critical moment (his reaction toward Enji, not the whole before that) is unrealistic and unconvincing to the point i believe the author just do it in order to justify Dabi’s existence and fish more pity for Dabi. (or what, you expect me to say Touya is handsome but Dabi is not?)

so the ultimate answer is: because 350 has many logic holes that i couldn’t even pretend i’m blind.

(man and why both bnha and vigilante portray endeavor as the only bad hero here? c’mon, give me someone else, give me another example.)

#ask #bnha #how should i tag this question?#anti dabi #the thing is when i hate a character i somehow sought to understand that character more than their fans #hope you not expecting me to say im endeavor fan so i hate dabi #bc i hate dabi even before i like any character in bnha #endeavour #sorry if i sound rude it's how i ramble in english #thank you for asking!!#there are so many way to describe an abusive person/parent #so many ways to credit abuse

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sylvies-chen · 3 years

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From Song to Storyline: Comparing Lorde’s “Melodrama” Album to Hailey Upton’s Upcoming Journey

Ok I couldn’t resist, I made a comment about how Hailey Upton is in her Melodrama era (because yes, I’m an absolute Lorde fanatic) and my loving soulmate @sylviebrettsey mentioned Taylor Swift’s Reputation too, but ALSO how she was unfamiliar with Melodrama so you can thank her for this analysis of why I picked Melodrama as Hailey’s season 9 mood! It’s going to be VERY long so I’ll put everything under the cut but I hope you guys like it! (And Sky, I hope you find this Lorde knowledge to be helpful lol. This is going to be very long but I hope it’s worth it and convinces someone out there to give the album a listen)

Reputation is an album that feels inherently vengeful in all the best ways. Songs like “Getaway Car” and “Don’t Blame Me” fit Hailey’s predicament at the end of season 8 very well, especially in relation to Jay. Those two songs as well as the album in general make for a very intense musical journey and Hailey’s been through a lot of intense things so naturally, it seems like they’d fit together. But based on what we’ve seen in interviews, I picked Melodrama for Hailey Upton’s season 9 era because that whole album plays with the idea of what happens after.

Lorde mostly talks about the crash that happens after a party when referencing this “after” but it acts a metaphor for being on a high note (a relationship, life, careers, etc.) and then crashing down. It’s a gritty, heart-wrenching album that holds so many similarities to what Hailey’s feeling. Coming into season 9, we know she isn’t sleeping, she can’t eat, there’s guilt eating away at her over what she’s done and over having to be around Kim constantly while keeping her secret. We know she’s clinging onto Jay with this proposal, know she’s going to have this internal torment because she can’t tell any of them what happened but Jay’s starting to notice something’s wrong with her and catching on to what happened. So, without further ado, lemme just give you snippets of lyrics from various songs on Lorde’s Melodrama album that fit with different parts of Hailey’s journey— as well as the unit’s journey— going into the new season!

1. “Sober”

In Sober, Lorde writes and sings about her experience of getting a panic attack at a party (Hence, the “Oh God, I’m clean out of air // In my lungs, it’s all gone” line) but then having to act normal because of social expectations and adds the “Played it nonchalant” line. In relation to Hailey, this represents her covering her ruse even though it’s killing her inside. Then, when we move further down these lyrics, it talks about being alone with the truth and dancing with the truth— again, Hailey struggling with the truth of what she did. Then, at the end of this first verse it could almost be seen from Jay’s perspective. “I’m acting like I don’t see // Every ribbon you used to tie yourself to me” is SO similar to what Jesse Lee Soffer’s been saying in interviews about Jay not knowing if Hailey’s proposal was genuine, and also what he and Tracy have said about Hailey’s proposal being genuine but also a product of her clinging on to the one good thing in her life.

2. “Liability”

Ah, yes, finally! The best song on the Melodrama album and arguably one of Lorde’s best songs ever! She wrote this in the back of a cab about the struggle of trying to love herself and worrying she’s too much for her friends. If that’s not a Hailey Upton sentiment going into this season, I don’t know what is! Not only is this applicable to Hailey with the Roy situation but it could also be applied to 8x11 when she was scared that her baggage and trauma around being abused by her father meant she couldn’t be with Jay. Also, now that she’s done this huge, massive thing that she has to live with, it’ll make it even harder for her to love herself— and for her to consider the fact that maybe, if she was truthful about that night, her friends would still love her anyway.

3. “Homemade Dynamite”

Homemade Dynamite, according to Lorde, describes “the moment when you meet someone at a party and an explosive night follows”. Again, right off the bat you see motifs of lies vs. truth when she’s saying let’s let things come out of the woodworks. It also technically talks about being blind to rules and dreams which is perfect for the finale: Hailey was blind to her dream (because let’s be real, thinking she could stop Voight was a fantasy), and Voight was blind to the rules. And just like the song says, it’s all bound to blow up on Hailey sooner or later, like homemade dynamite.

4. “Sober ll”

I feel like I don’t even need to explain my thought process behind this one. Trauma, melodrama, gun fights, terror, horror. ALL OF THESE are key words for what Hailey’s been through and will CONTINUE to go through. “They’ll talk about us, and discover // How we kissed and killed each other” is also applicable to the synopsis about how the FBI is potentially getting involved in discerning what happened to Roy. If they do, it could launch an investigation into the entire unit which could uncover a lot— “kisses each other” being the relationship drama that happens within the unit and “killed each other” being what happened with Roy and Voight’s general track record of murdering criminals and covering it up.

5. “Writer In The Dark”

Ok this first line is pretty much the entire reason I put this section of the song into this post. “I am my mother’s child, I’ll love you ‘til my breathing stops” is very strongly representative of Hailey’s past. She was raised in a household where her mother loved an abusive man and continued to love him even through the abuse of her and her children. It’s traumatizing, sure, but it also explains why Hailey’s reaction to shooting Roy was to go home and propose to Jay. She gets that loyalty from her mother, to the point where she could even stay in situations that hurt her (like refusing to leave Voight in the warehouse). But Jay doesn’t hurt her, he loves her unconditionally too which is why Hailey would love him until her breathing stops— or until, as it proceeds to say, “‘til you call the cops on me”, which is applicable in a much more literal sense.

6. “Supercut”

Supercut is probably my personal favourite of Lorde’s songs. The buildup is beautiful and the come-down is slow and gradual. It’s the epitome of pop in my opinion. But Hailey most definitely plays that moment over in her head and in her head, she would have done the right thing that night. And maybe she’s hoping the unit (Jay especially) will forgive her for shooting Roy instead of letting it cause a fight. This whole song is about replaying moments of a relationship in your head and changing the scenario so that it plays out as if you did everything right. You won’t always do everything right though, because we’re human and make mistakes, but it’s more than plausible that Hailey’s trying to capture that feeling.

7. Liability (Reprise)

Last but not least, we’ve got the reprise for Liability! This one’s a little more generic because it’s just the general vibe of the song that fits Hailey and this PD angst so well but honestly “And all of the shit that we harbour // Make all the kids in the choir sing, “Woo-hoo” is very applicable to Hailey because she’s got a lot of baggage going into this new season. “And maybe all this is the party // Maybe we just do it violently” is another line that fits her situation so well. In addition, since Liability is one of the last songs on this album the outro of the song is almost like the absolute rock bottom reached in the journey the album tells. It could easily be compared to if/when Jay finds out about what Hailey did. (Seriously, just imagine Jay saying “you’re not what you thought you were” to Hailey and tell me that wouldn’t make you cry! In a good way OR a bad way!)

Anyway, IN CONCLUSION: Melodrama is a twisted, heartbreaking album that fits into Hailey Upton’s upcoming journey in season 9 with the Roy storyline PERFECTLY! If you have time to listen to the album— or at least the songs I mentioned— then please do because it’s SO worth it. But until then, we’re going to be in for quite the angsty ride this season when it comes to Chicago PD and personally, I can’t wait to see what they do with it!

#abby trying to be meta? it’s more common than you think #I’m such a lyrical nerd so this was heaven for me to write lmao #hailey upton #chicago pd #analysis #meta

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fourangers · 3 years

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Hi Fourangers,

First of all, I love your blog so much. It's like going through a history back when Naruto Manga chapters were released weekly and your reviews were so Golden, Hilarious and spot-on. Am a new fan though (especially an SNS fan), I just got into this fandom only this year. I don't know if you'll answer my ask, but I just wanted to try and ask you few questions and I pray that you might answer me....

1. Since you've written in a post that you were active in the eastern part of the fandom, How was chapter 698 received in Japan? Because this is the chapter I inherently realized they both love each other. Yeah, I was too late but somehow whenever they interact with each other in previous chapters I always find them to be 'Weird' for just to be friends. Chapter 698 is just blatantly obvious that they love each other. Considering Homophobia and Shounen genre, I have no idea how it was perceived over there back then in 2014.

2. Which scene made you to ship SNS?

3. As an SNS'er how do you feel about the ending, where everyone was married off when they were just 19 just to make some shitty sequel??? As a new fan, I felt betrayed and It would've been perfect if they had stopped at chapter 699, leaving an open ending.

4. How do you face with the accusation about Naruto and Sasuke as brothers and we, SNS'ers are Incest shippers??? I don't care about that Indra and Ashura thing. But Naruto himself told he considers Sasuke as his Brother couple of times. And in Chapter 699, Sasuke acknowledged, 'He finally understood what it meant'.... It's the only thing that confuses me and I don't even have an answer!!! Plus, Kishi himself gave an interview that he based Sasuke on his Brother... I really wonder how he gave such an interview when he literally made them wear necklaces with each other's faces.

5. How was Naruto and Sasuke's sexuality perceived in the fandom back then??? Man!! Kishimoto just made lot of comic reliefs on their sexuality by making Sasuke on Sai jutsu, Naruto not interested in Icha Icha but making Reverse Harem no Jutsu, Naruto was angry when Konohamaru made Boy on Boy jutsu whereas he had no problem with him doing it. LOL. And all those homoerotic posters. What do you think about their sexuality, personally??

6. Why did Kishi had to develop their bond as Soulmates with some unintentional or intentional romantic undertones, if he was eventually going to pair them up with girls??? He easily could've gave many such romantic tropes to other girls and keep the bond between N and S as purely friendship or brothers. It still would've made sense.

7. Final one, Was Naruto really Nosebleeding when Kurama made a joke about Sasuke's kiss in Chapter 572???? We had a lot of heated discussion with other shippers where they claim that it was just a splotch of snot.

Sorry for the lengthy ask....... I am so eager to know your answers and I don't want to spam your ask box by sending multiple asks.

Thanks 😊😊😊

Hey yo! Welcome new SNS fan! I'm so glad that you joined us and I'll try to answer as best as I can. I'm not very active here on tumblr (except browsing lol) but your ask was such a delight to read.

1. I honestly don't remember. I think I didn't follow the japanese boards until the eventual 699-700 disaster. People were craving for reactions and I was curious about it too lol. And well...it's been years, I doubt I'll be able to find the reactions from that time. Imo, most readers don't care much about pairings, they just wanted to read about power-ups and abilities and the basic Naruto Vs Sasuke. Though there are some backhanded jokes about how gay Naruto is for Sasuke.

2. Hah. It's going to be very anti-climatic but it was when Naruto and Sakura were eating in Ichiraku Ramen. Naruto just used Rasenshuriken against Kakuzu and he busted his arm. Sakura was healing his arm and her attention was focused on Naruto. I used to be a NaruSaku shipper so I thought "Oh hey! This is the moment that Naruto would have a candid romantic moment!" But nope. He talked about Sasuke. And I was already getting suspicious about Sasuke's feelings towards Naruto ya know? And the whole "SASUKE IS MIINEEEEEE" in Orochimaru's lair. It was that moment I thought "you only have Sasuke in your head don't you, Naruto?" and started shipping SNS.

3. Hooo boy was I surprised when it was suddenly revealed that they had the basic heteronormative, boring marriage with bunch of clones of themselves. Everyone thought that it was almost like a bad fanfiction come true and some thought that it was fake. It was a pandemonium lolololol. I also thought that it was too lame to be true and lo and behold, when it came true I was floored. And then whenever Kishimoto threw new material, I got insanely pissed off because S*arada and B*ruto becoming pairing material is ok because they are a girl and a boy, and then they paralleled with Naruto and Sasuke which are only FRIENDS because they are both men. ARGH. Open ending was what Kishimoto planned from the very beginning but wrote a sequel to earn more money.

In that aspect, I made peace with it because of the whole anime/manga industry. I learned that, as a mangaka, you don't earn a lot of money with selling books, but rather with merchandise and profiting with sales right. And that guy have a family to raise, have two kids (which is hilarious about how B*ruto movie is his self-insert story), he needs a steady income. Also, I read reports about how anime studios are so poor and animators don't receive a decent income not to mention they are overstaffed and tired, and B*ruto is a good money cow for them to earn money so they can invest later on other anime they have more passion about it. So even though I hate this story with a strength of thousands suns, they are putting meal on people's tables and making them pay rents. I'm ok.

4. Lemme roll my eyes because in the Last movie they said that Hinata is related to Kaguya and so is the Uzumaki and Uchiha clan so they are all related woo hoo. But in the aspect of brothers because reincarnations bla bla bla, didn't Naruto himself said that he's no longer that brother, he's himself? Hmm...I gotta re-read it. One day. Maybe. lol. But I'm sure that he said "Sasuke is not my brother but I'm sure we'll understand well as friends" so there. Honestly, there are a lot of interviews out there and a lot of them are fake, so I'd always take the interviews with a grain of salt lololol. I do know from artbooks that Kishimoto wanted to create Sasuke as a rival-esque character and that was it. As he was developing Sasuke and Naruto's relationship, since he liked the whole yin-yang concept, whenever he wrote Naruto's story, Sasuke's was developed at the same time as his shadow.

5. I can tell from Naruto Forums (I used to participate back in that day) MOST of the non-shippers thought it was gay as hell, but you know...it was a relic of that time. While they thought it was gay, they didn't put too much thought about you know? Because it was shounen, and we knew that it was a joke that it couldn't be taken seriously. Of course, in the SNS fandom, we did make more analysis and there were a lot of instance when Naruto and Sasuke's sexuality was questioned. Some other non-shippers also thought that Naruto was totes gay for Sasuke (including a IRL friend).

Imo, Naruto is definitely bisexual in my view. Sasuke I think he's asexual or gay. He's attracted to Naruto, but mostly because of his connection to him, not because of his physical attributes, so yeah...asexual. Or Pansexual. Sasuke is more complicated lmao. Imo, Naruto could be pansexual too, come to think about it. Yeah, I guess both being pansexual can be valid.

6. He developed Naruto and Sasuke being soulmates from the very beginning, that was proven in his comments in artbooks and in the manga. He probably created with the intention of making it purely platonic, going beyond physical ties. Then he shot himself on the foot by drawing Naruto thinking about Sasuke on bed, talking about how Sasuke is cool, meanwhile Sasuke waxing poetic about how Naruto saved him. What gives? Lol. Yeah, I think he got too enamored writing their relationship that he didn't have time to write romantic ones. What I noticed that Sakura's popularity never was really high, so I could see some editors putting their fingers all over it and making her less relevant. Also, Kishimoto didn't know how to handle her, so when she got her time to shine was the whole fake confession disaster. Coupled with Kishimoto sexism and, in his words (Kurenai's flashback), women are useful to spout more babies, women was never really relevant in his story, unfortunately. Even Kaguya who was technically the big bad boss, was never really fleshed out in comparison to Madara. So the null het romantic moments it's not because he wanted to elevate SNS moments, it's more about how he's incompetent about it. It's either Hinata slowly elevating to a relevant status because forced interaction (Pain's sacrifice and Neji's death) or Sakura being obligated to be pining over Sasuke because she's a girl. It's even more painful to see that, if we ignore B*ruto, both girls are shown to be just talking with their kids and dusting shelves, basically being housewives, even though thorough the story (especially Sakura) it was implied that both of them have much more potential than being their husband accessories.

7. It was a splotch of snot. I can confirm myself lol. Whenever the chapter is out and fans would scan it to scanlate it, the editor usually would amp up contrast to max. So usually the lines get much more thicker than usual, when you read the official release which gets straight from the source, you can notice how the lines are more delicate.

Oh lol...but then we also have a lot of controversy about translating style. THAT one is a whole new can of worms to open.

Man I had fun answering your questions! Please send more :P

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johannas-motivational-insults · 3 years

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Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you’re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you’ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you” line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.

#2020 recap #happy new year #writing #vidding #fanfic #spop #catradora #demons #hail mary #satisfaction #the sting in my eyes #a better son/daughter #unstoppable #i’m not jesus

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ginkgomoon · 3 years

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Gavin's 'Falling Slowly' and Film 'Once'- Analysis

Since the beginning, I’ve wanted to do an analysis on the song Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová, but since it was only mentioned twice (in Mark Date and Gavin’s Music and the Past Call), I thought it was going to be left at that. But because of the mention again in @cheri-translates' post, perhaps... there could be more to it. Because this song was made for the film Once, I had actually watched it earlier this year. I wasn’t going to post this analysis originally, but the trailer literally made me cry. After watching it with the knowledge from my first viewing, the trailer had a bigger impact on me that I didn’t expect. This allowed me to push on. Rewatching the film for this helped me realise some parallels between the film and Gavin’s history with MC, along with its song Falling Slowly. For me, the film was so heartfelt, vulnerable, honest and real. Just like the side that Gavin shows MC. It also had super hilarious moments that made me laugh so much while crying over the sad bits. Highly recommend this movie (if you don’t mind some occasional cursing!) Now I can say I’ve watched Once twice.

Below contains spoilers for Gavin's CN content (referring to Cheri's translations) and on the film.

“Your performance… was a miracle to me.” -Gavin

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Once is a 2007 Irish romantic drama about two struggling artists in Dublin, Ireland. The film was turned into a musical and won various awards, with Falling Slowly winning at the Critics’ Choice Awards and the 2008 Academy Award for Best Original Song. This was on top of receiving a Grammy nomination. Once only had a budget of only $150,000 USD.

In an Interview with Glen Hansard (male lead), he stated that during the scene of Falling Slowly in the music store, director John Carney wanted this shot to be the centrepiece- just two musicians connecting through music. This scene where the actors first got together to perform and sing in harmony allowed the crew to maintain the perseverance needed to finish the film despite various major setbacks. (People kept buying the same piano in the music store featured because of this film LOL)

“The closest a non-musician will ever get to feeling what it feels like to write the song… or to discover… it was the most moving scenes of the film.” -The Interviewer

The first impression some viewers may have upon watching would be criticising the shakiness of the handheld cameras. However, the actual intention (from the ex-film student perspective that I had) was to give it a sense of realism. This film aims to depict more of real-life from the perspective of the main characters. Even the characters' names weren't disclosed as they were literally 'unknown artists' in everyday life. It was ultimately based on Carney’s own personal experience, while Hansard, wrote the music for the film.

“The movie is sad, funny, real, everything that life is and it gives you hope. It's about a moment that happens in life that may not come by again or may not last forever, but it just might have the greatest impact on you. I know I'll be watching "Once" again.” -A fellow Once viewer.

We are introduced to the male lead (Guy), playing the guitar and wanting to make it big with his music, who also fixes vacuums with his father for a living. He meets the female lead (Girl) and she bugs him into fixing her vacuum. In the beginning, he’s cold and doesn’t want to associate with her (especially after when she gives him 10 cents for his busking).

Look how grateful he looks-

Even when Gavin and MC met again after their separation, Gavin puts up a fragile guard in front of MC while protecting her from a distance, like in high school. And just like how Joe Zieja stated in his MLQC interview-

“Gavin is a really interesting character, especially when we first started out before he and the producer really had a relationship… Gavin’s very cold. He’s very business-like, he just wants to get stuff done. But it’s really neat to see Gavin’s shell melt over time as he develops a relationship with the producer.”

In the film, Guy finds out that Girl can play the piano, who learned it from her father before he passed. Turns out, Guy is heartbroken from his ex (who’s currently in London) who cheated on him. Girl tries to convince him to get her back with his songs.

Similarly, Gavin discovers MC’s music during his fall shown Campus Date, in the moments where he received his Evol. Gavin devotes his life to protect her.

(I also did a timeline of MC and Gavin’s high school history together here that also references these parts.)

*Casually dragging vacuum*

Together, they go to a music store and she plays Mendelssohn for him. Then finally, at 15:42 of the film, they start to play Falling Slowly.

(So good! So good!! When they start harmonising!!! No fancy editing or cuts- it’s just two artists and pure music.)

Through music, they connect with each other’s souls. Just like how MC saves Gavin with her music that fateful day. And soon enough, Gavin comes across MC playing another song in the music room.

That song was Falling Slowly. He doesn’t know the name of the song though, only remembering the melody. Later, he learns how to play the guitar because he liked it and thought that perhaps he could perform it to his special someone one day. Such moments had inspired Gavin to write and make his own songs then record them onto his CDs so that maybe one day she could listen to them.

A thought I had was that did Gavin hear the piano and decide to make a guitar version, only to figure out that he was the missing piece?

Even the music store owner was very impressed-

Just like how Gavin slowly begins to soften up to MC, in the film, the instrumental of Falling Slowly plays when Guy and Girl start to bond. Guy tries to talk to her more but she states that she “has responsibilities”. It’s revealed that she has a daughter at home and a husband still in the Czech Republic. Even so, together, they write and record songs for his journey to London- back to his ex and to pursue his dreams as a musician.

Later, they go out for a spin on his father’s motorbike- he even prepared another helmet for her (SPARKY 2.0??). He asks her to teach him how to say “how much do you love him?” in Czech when they talk about her husband upon finding out that she’s married. She replies with, “it is you I love” in Czech. But he has no idea what she said. (*Grips heart*)

He wants her to go to London with him, start a band, and sell out shows. But she can’t. The song they recorded together “When your mind’s made up” (I have this song on repeat) plays in the car as they drive to the beach before he leaves for London the next morning.

So, if you want something And you call, call Then I'll come running To fight and I'll be at your door When there's nothing worth running for

The music producer is clearly so impressed-

Together, they schedule a time to meet up just before he leaves for the airport. Guy waited all night till morning for her.

But she still doesn’t come. And that was the last time he ever saw her. Just like how MC wasn't able to see Gavin who waited the whole day before he left. This was shown in Old Days Date that I did a heart-gripping analysis on here.

Guy’s father had said, “make your Ma proud.” (*Cries upon remembering Gavin’s loving mother*)

In the end, still unable to reach her, Guy gifts Girl a piano. In the beginning, they had a conversation where they spoke about pianos being too expensive, hence why she kept going to the music store in order to be able to play. Even though they are both short on money, he still manages to buy her a piano- the same one they played Falling Slowly together.

And while the film comes to an end, Falling Slowly plays in the background while Guy is off to the airport.

*Dramatic power-walking*

This was a heartbreaking ending for the viewers because not only that they didn’t end up together, they weren’t able to see each other before he left. And it wasn’t disclosed why she couldn’t make it.

Nothing too fancy happens because again, this was to show a slice of real life, and this proves it to be more tragic and beautiful. It can’t really be described unless it’s experienced. And I had the chance of viewing it not once, but twice.

This film (and song) is important for Gavin and MC because, despite their complicated history of misunderstandings, he always wants to put their relationship first and make the most out of what they have now together. Girl had helped Guy achieve his record deal and pursue his dreams. She had done her part on his journey to becoming an artist and both had to part ways. Without her, he wouldn’t have been able to record his songs and leave. Likewise, without MC, Gavin wouldn’t be the man he is today (hence, Winter World). Gavin is very vocal about this as well.

Gavin lowers his head, and the light follows his movement, descending onto the scrapbook, illuminating every word he writes- “I’m very happy to have met you in the past.” -CN Mark Date

“It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. What matters is every moment I spend with you now.” -Sugar Figurine Phone Call

“Seeing you again is the best present I could hope for.” -The Best Gift Phone Call

"Even though I'm curious about the future as well... I care more about the present. For me, it's good enough to seize the day. As long as you're here. The next second will be everything I need. Protecting what I have now, is the best plan for the future." -School Legend ASMR

With Falling Slowly, it’s quite a straightforward, romantic song. Originally in the film, Guy wrote it about his ex-girlfriend so it does has some sad lyrics. MC didn't know how Gavin knew about it.

Teacher Zheng: Just now, MC mentioned that you play the guitar and bass incredibly. Could you let me hear it? It’d be best if the two of you could play together. I haven’t heard my Orchestra Leader play the piano in a very long time.

To be honest, this is not a “request” at all. If Teacher Zheng wants to hear it, I’ll definitely be willing to play for her. But Gavin…

I cast Gavin a probing glance, wondering if there’s a need to persuade him. To my surprise, he nods.

Gavin: I could, but I’m really not as skilled as she says.

Teacher Zheng: Haha that’s all right. I just want you to use your heart when performing. What’s important isn’t how good it sounds, but the heart.

Gavin: Could I borrow the guitar over there?

Teacher Zheng: Of course.

Basically shown in Mark Date, Gavin’s been preparing for this moment all this time. He already knows what song to play. And what’s so amazing is that the first instrument we hear is the guitar which leads the piano. Therefore, once Gavin plays his piece, MC would know what song it is and then join in with her piano. AND THEY WOULD SING TOGETHER.

Maybe it’s just my misperception, or the sunlight just happened to fall onto his eyes, but I keep feeling as though his eyes are even brighter than usual. It’s as though they are flashing with light.

This is a slightly melancholic song, but the moving light and wind seem to make it refreshing and clear.

🎶 Lyrics 🎶

It's a slower song to help listeners slowly take in the emotions, lyrics and main dueting instruments of piano and guitar with the occasional violin in the back. It's so simple, and yet so powerful.

The guitar has its solos and the piano appears more prominent in the chorus. In the beginning, it's just the guitar, with the piano joining in after.

[GUY & GIRL] I don't know you but I want you All the more for that Words fall through me and always fool me And I can't react And games that never amount To more than they're meant Will play themselves out

Gavin never got the chance to be close to MC in high school, so he showed his affection through other methods. He walked 10 metres behind her after school and was her silent guardian against those who had negative intentions towards her. In the library, he had tried to introduce himself to her, but she had already dashed off.

Before waiting for him to say the introduction he had rehearsed countless times in his heart, the girl had already uttered a “thank you” and hurriedly fled. -CN Tilted Time Rumours and Secrets

Gavin couldn't help but develop this softer side for her and didn’t know how to control it or express it other than doing things such as leaving strawberry milk on the piano and learning guitar in hopes of playing it for her one day.

Those "games" he's referring to were those things they did, such as MC smiling at him when crossing each others' paths in the hallways, and Gavin buying her hot drinks and only looking at her among the snowball fight chaos at school in the Winter. Gavin has no power over how everything will turn out, nor does he try to have complete control over it either.

"... I believe that some things are destined. Like..." -Gacha and Destiny Phone Call

[GUY & GIRL] Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time

This "sinking boat" of the relationship is what they're both trying to save. For Gavin, this could be suggested to be about himself.

In a split second, the noise ceases abruptly. After a moment of silence, whispers surface in the crowd. Vaguely, I can catch a few phrases.

“Bad.” “Fighting.” “Misfit.” -CN Mark Date

Gavin had a tough time in high school being the outcast, but MC kept him going, fighting in the name of justice. And had quite literally saved his life. She was his lighthouse when he was battling the rough waters back home. And MC- she was also his home.

“As he clenched his fists, a power deep down within awakened. It was a rapture of rebirth. A declaration of the end of darkness and the advent of the light.” -Campus Date

[GUY & GIRL] Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice You've made it now

Gavin wants her to realise his feelings, be around and talk to him more- and say "yes". But even so, he still gives her a choice not to, and would have to live with that. Gavin thought she already had when he departed and spent years thinking that her absence showed all of what had to be said.

[GUY & GIRL] Falling slowly, eyes that know me And I can't go back

Gavin's falling slowly for MC (compared to when he fell really fast before MC saved him LOL). Once he starts, he can and would never go back. He hopes that MC would see him the way he truly is.

MC: “I have one more thing to tell you. MC is a bit slow. She is not as good as you think, and will also be blinded by rumours…”

Gavin: “She’s a very nice person. What she thinks of me has nothing to do with anyone else." -Old Days Date

[GUY & GIRL] Moods that take me and erase me And I'm painted black

Gavin can't handle his feelings. (*Cries*)

After being in a daze in the piano room, he’d be in a daze in the library, continuously staring at the empty seat where MC used to sit, and I have no idea what he’s thinking about.

But I really didn't expect a person who sleeps in class to be in a daze in the library for an entire afternoon... Did Bro Gavin and MC have a fight recently? -CN Minor's Memos

[GUY] You have suffered enough And warred with yourself It's time that you won

He states that he understands that the girl had it rough, but if she was to be with him, she wouldn't get hurt. Gavin wants to be the one for her.

"MC, I want to make you happy forever. If... I hope that person is me." -First Year In-Game Birthday Visit

[GUY & GIRL] Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice You've made it now

[GUY & GIRL] Falling slowly, sing your melody I'll sing it loud

Gavin recognises MC's "melody", and urges her to sing (her presence) and Gavin will listen and follow, singing his one, too. Together they will harmonise.

[GUY] Take it all Oh, I played the cards too late Now it's gone

The song finally ends with both the guitar and piano, whereas at the beginning it was just the guitar.

This part is the most powerful and heartbreaking. Gavin regretted not giving the farewell letter to MC directly- from "playing the cards too late", then suffers the loss of her, her presence, and her melody.

But fortunately, in the end, Gavin successfully returned home- to MC.

"Want to play for a while tonight? I haven’t heard you playing the piano in a long time too.

If possible, I’d like to make a song request.

How about “Falling Slowly”?

We could sit by the window and play it together again." -CN Gavin’s Weekly Text - Piano Concert

Somewhere, Gavin is happily playing Falling Slowly with MC.

#When your mind's made up #I actually learnt this on guitar a while back #Best feeling is when you remember something that could support your point and then find it #mlqc #mr love queens choice #mlqc analysis #mlqc Gavin #love and producer #恋与制作人 #mlqc cn #Youtube

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jcisthebestfightme · 4 years

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BJYX Song #15: Summer’s Wind

BJYX Song List

Disclaimer: This is all a dream. Actually though, I’ve procrastinated this song so much that it started haunting me in my dream as an overdue assignment for school so I definitely need to write this to get it out of my system.

The song I wanted to write about today is “Summer’s Wind (夏天的风)” by Landy Wen in 2004. This song’s melody was written by Jay Chou, one of dd’s favorite artist. This song wasn’t super famous back then but now is often seen in tiktok in China because of covers. I’m not sure if it was as widely popular when gg quoted in 2018. Gg knows a lot of songs and often dig up sorta obscured (at least not super popular) songs that he likes.

An extensive backstory about gg’s post on this song and his trip in Japan can be found in this amazing post written by @twolonesomestars. The most important kadian about this post is that it was the 521th Weibo post and 18th Weibo video (he had to delete some stuff to get here.) Also, something that wasn’t mentioned was that his post kadian at the time “12:43″ and 2:43 in the song corresponds to the line “I look at your cool smile, yet there are times when it’s shy.” I think this line perfectly describes dd and also gg has said that his first impression of dd is shy, instead of the cold aloof description other people usually give him. This kadian further strengthens that this song is about dd. We have also seen gg kadian the time of his post to the lyrics of songs before, as seen in “Nan Hai” and a song from the album “Kepler” (not that song though).

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I’m going to channel in gg’s circumstance after filming TU and Japan trip for this analysis.

七月的風懶懶的 (July’s wind is lazy)

連雲都變熱熱的 (Even the wind became hot)

不久後天悶悶的 (Soon, the weather is getting stuffy)

一陣雲後雨下過 (Rain came after a cloud went by)

Right off the bat, as with the title, there are a lot of motifs we’ve already seen before like “wind”, “cloud”, and the over theme of “summer.” To me, “wind” is something this is transient and can symbolize feelings that can come and go. This is probably something gg was struggling with, whether his feelings for dd or dd’s feelings for him is transient like “July’s wind”. The first stance also described the discomfort of summer’s heat, which we know they complained about when filming CQL. Metaphorically though, I think the heat and “stuffiness” represents stuffed-up emotions, and the “rain” that came washes away those feeling and brought some clarity, which may be what gg came to realized post-Japan.

氣溫爬升到無法再忍受 (Temperature, has climbed to a point of unbearable)

索性閉上了雙眼 (I just closed my eyes)

讓想象任意改變 (Let imagination morph and change freely)

I think the “temperature” and “heat” described can be about the electrifying connection and feelings between two people. It’s almost like the sexual tension has climbed to a point of unbearable limit for them, but they don’t know what to do with it. With reality that is hitting them after filming, they can only imagine all the different scenarios and happy ending they can have.

場景兩個人一起散著步 (The scene is two people walking together)

我的臉也輕輕貼著你胸口 (My face softly rest against your chest)

聽到心跳 (I hear your heartbeat)

在乎我和天氣一樣溫度 ([You] care about me, just like the weather’s temperature)

Doesn’t this entire part just sounds like a very vivid picture of the entire filming of TU, especially since the first line even said a “scene”? Two people walking together, one in white, one in black. While filming, gg often have to rest into dd’s arms. It’s all very pure and romantic. No wonder this song can remind gg of the summer in 2018.

夏天的風我永遠記得 (Summer’s wind, I will always remember)

I think summer’s wind is something carries feelings for gg. He said he will always remember that summer and those feelings. After filming wrapped, I think he wasn’t sure how long this wind will carry. There was too much uncertainty at that moment. In the end of 2019, we know he sang a song about summer’s wind lasting throughout the year into other season so we received the answer that this wind, and thus love, will persist. But in end of summer in 2019, this certainty was not there. All gg can be sure of is that he will always remember that summer, those wind, those mountain, because it’s very precious to him.

清清楚楚的說你愛我 (Clearly say you love me)

I can see dd being very honest about his feelings that summer. Dd is not the type to hide what he feels and he probably expressed to gg clearly how he felt. But I think gg needed some time to think so he went to Japan, also to shed the character of WWX and his love for LWJ. But I think this line is gg acknowledging that he knows of dd’s feelings and how candid, sincere, and unambiguous dd’s feelings are. It also juxtaposed gg’s possibly jumbled feelings. I don’t think it’s that gg love dd less or that he’s uncertain of his feelings. I personally think he was certain of his feelings on 6/22/18 when he posted “If I were a song”. But I think he has a lot of different emotions that is coming to him all at once and he need some time to sort them out one by one. I can relate to having overwhelming emotions and also thoughts due to too many concerns and I think gg is also the type to get in that state.

我看見你酷酷的笑容 (I saw your cool smile)

也有靦腆的時候 (There are also times when it’s shy)

This is the line that I think gg kadian to describe dd. “Cool smile” is a very good description of dd, and probably the way most people who don’t know him well will say that is their first impression of him. Dd seems aloof and is overall a cool guy but unapproachable. But gg was the only that said that dd was “shy” to him on first impression. He saw through dd right away, that dd is hiding behind a shell of ice because he’s scared. Dd is a very sensitive person and he’s afraid that others won’t like him or how others see him so he protect himself by acting cold. But like this line and also gg’d interview that he has said before, once dd opens up, he’s very warm and adorable, and that dd likes to laugh a lot. It’s such a precious relationship to have someone that truly understands you and see the best of you.

夏天的風正暖暖吹過 (Summer’s wind, is currently warmly blowing)

穿過頭髮穿過耳朵 (Going through hair, going through ears)

The “summer’s wind”, which are the emotions from the summer is currently passing through the entirety of the body, so it’s enveloping all parts of gg and dd. “Hair” and “ears” also also parts of the body that ggdd like to touch each other often when filming, as we seen from the bts clips. If I remember correctly, gg’s ears are very sensitive and doesn’t really like other people touching them (I remember a clip of his X-Nine’s member either touching or blowing into his ears and he flinched away.) But we can see dd touching gg’s ears in the TU bts. This means that gg lets dd have these intimate touches, just like these summer’s wind.

你和我的夏天 (Yours and my summer)

風輕輕說著 (The wind is softly saying)

This line is probably the most straightforward part of the song. The “summer” that just ended in gg’s post in 2018, belongs to 2 people. This the message of “summer’s wind”. The wind is saying that this summer is love between 2 people, and these 2 people can only be ggdd.

溫柔懶懶的海風 (Gentle and lazy ocean’s wind)

吹到高高的山峰 (Blow up high to the mountain’s peak)

溫的風山的鋒 (The warmth of the wind, the peak of the mountain)

吹成了山風 (Has became mountain’s wind)

This part to me is signifying change in feelings. The “gentle” and “lazy” warm ocean’s wind is like the ambiguous, fun, but uncertain relationship they had in the summer. They’re in a warm and safe place for these feelings to be able to developed, since they were pretty sheltered when filming. But once filming has ended, this warm “ocean’s wind” has converted into “mountain’s wind.” Mountain’s wind to me is much colder and harsher, and signifies the harshness of reality and the difficulties they will need to face going back to the real world. But it can also be that this warm, soft wind has now strengthened, that it can become sharper, and able to face the harsh climates of the mountains.

為什麼你不在 (Why are you not here?)

問山風你會回來 (Asking the mountain’s wind if you will come back)

Gg went to Japan with his friends (I think friends from college. He did not go with wzc btw, I just found this out like 2 weeks ago lol.) But dd was not there. And I think part of gg’s reluctancy at this moment is that he wasn’t sure if dd will always be as certain of his love as they did that summer. I don’t think it has anything to do with dd’s age, character, or anything he said. Honestly for anyone that has ever been in love, especially when the relationship just started, there will be some insecurity and you worry if the other person will love you forever or if they will change their minds and abandon you. I think this is a feeling that we can all relate to. So right now, gg may feel like it’s just him and “mountain’s wind”, which is the converted version of his love form the summer, and he’s unsure if dd will come back for him but it seems to me like gg is waiting on the mountains if dd every come, just like how WWX waited at the end of TU on the mountain for LWJ to come get him.

Overall, I think this song “Summer’s Wind” represent an end of gg’s ambiguous feelings of flirtation in the summer of 2018 while filming TU. In this post, he said “Summer’s wind has ended.” But I don’t think this necessary means his feelings for dd has ended (Spoiler alert, it didn’t.) It’s just that that stage of their relationship has come to a close and they need to find a way to open up a new chapter of their life together.

#bjyx #yizhan

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maariarogers · 3 years

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How They Steal Seojun’s Scenes and Ruin A Tiny Essence of Seojun and Suho’s Character(s) in the K-Drama: A Study

Hi everybody!

First and foremost, I’m not online a lot, and whenever I do lately, I mostly try to spend it by fixating on a certain fandom — which, this time, happened to be the latest K-Drama “True Beauty”. I’ve written about two other study / analysis / meta which you could find here:

Thoughts On True Beauty and Why I’m On Team Suho

Why Webtoon!Suho is Superior and K-Drama!Suho Needs To Catch Up 👏

I’ve recently noticed during my scrolling that there has been a lot of tension between Team Seojun and Team Suho, which... broke my heart a little bit, because for the last eight episodes, I wasn’t really aware of it. I just thought everybody was having as much fun as I was just watching the K-Drama, but you know, we still have our favourites and we still have times when we disagree with the direction of the show, but by the end of the day, it was still something fun to watch, to distress with, and to share with like-minded fans.

Regardless, this is a warning that I don’t write with any intention to specifically target any characters or storyline, whether it be webtoon or the K-Drama. I do equally adore all of the cast, the production; the characters in the webtoon — and I will forever be thankful that I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the story as I did.

To add some context: I am a film student graduate, and I’ve always been interested in objectively dissecting characters, especially from a franchise, or things that came from a raw materials like True Beauty is. For your reference, I am currently at Chapter 128 of the webtoon series, although I am aware of spoilers beyond the chapters. As for the drama, I am at Episode 10 while I’m writing this. (Started at episode 9, continuing after episode 10.)

This is purely an in-depth analysis, if you’re into those sort of things, mainly discussing the major differences between webtoon representation of characters Lee Suho and Han Seojun in particular, and their mirrored selves in the K-Drama. Under the category, I will be touching on:

What the K-Drama changed the characters specifically

How They Stole Seojun Webtoon’s Scene and Character

Why Some of It Worked, Some of It Will Never

How They Highkey Ruined Seojun and Suho’s Dynamics

Why They Didn’t Need to Change the Characters At All, really

Another warning, just so any readers are aware, I am primarily a Suho x Jugeyong fan, but I’ve never really minded Seojun’s relationship with Jugyeong, either in Webtoon and K-Drama. Again, this mostly has a lot to do with how excellent the execution for Seojun was in the webtoon particularly — but I believe we’ll be getting into that.

Also, this is mostly to address the differences of webtoon vs. k-drama (and why some scene worked, why some scene didn’t work), and while I’ll be touching on the issues underlying the characters a bit, for a more thorough analysis or thoughts on the mental health represented by the characters, I would recommend reading:

By Tumblr User imjukyung (speaking about post-episode 10, specifically for Suho)

True Beauty: True Trauma and Unsettling Regression by tumblr user life-rewritten

Last Warning: This is about 5,000+ words. I... yeah. I have nothing to say except it’s written.

1. What Changed Specifically

I think the massive change an audience could probably observe — or if you can’t observe, you would find yourself being annoyed by it at certain point — would be in Suho. Yes, we’re starting with him.

I’ve been noticing a lot that people do heatedly comment that Suho’s “boring” — which, to an extent, I agree. (I mentioned this too in the first meta.) He is a massive play on the “cold and distant” trope, which, in my head, I’d like to call, a massive Edward Cullen case. That trope is often repetitive, most of the time it’s horribly executed, and it’s just, yeah, I’m not a big fan of them.

But again, I’ve mentioned this before, it works for Suho. I think this was what he was meant to be. As reference, in the webtoon even, Sua was never impressed with Suho, and she did repetitively say that the only “good thing that was going for him” was his good looks, and that he’s “boring” (in fact, I believe this is a fact since high school towards their adulthood). So yes, I think he was written like that on purpose.

On top of that, in the webtoon, compare to the K-Drama, Suho really does — nothing.

I’ll circle back to this specific characteristic because it relates to Seojun again, but I do wanted to point out that it is actually a prominent thing that’s to do with Suho. All he does in the webtoon, really, is study. Some of the things we learn later while we read would be that: he reads horror comic books as a sense of escapism, and he’s a good cook.

That’s it.

We would learn later, of course, that it is more than that. This personality is intentional and, most importantly, purposeful. What we’ve perceived as “boring” was used right against Suho — especially in the Prince of Princes arc, where the influencer called Suho out for “never trying his best” when the other contestants, Seojun and Aiden if we’re being specific, truly had something to lose while they were doing the show.

So, it wasn’t just, something the webtoon author decided Suho to be and held him no responsibility over, no — she crafted Suho like that from the beginning, she made us get used to it, and then, slowly, we see cracks of Suho’s “perfect” image and how that backfired. And Suho? He paid for it.

More than the simple cold and distant trope, his continuously monotone exterior actually did raise important questions in the long-run: For someone so smart with such a solid background, why does he seemed the most lost out of the Seojun-Jugeyong-Suho trio?

In my second meta, I wrote this:

It felt like the writers were desperate to fill the gaps for Suho possibly being “dull” [while playing] this typical cool and distant character — when, in reality, Suho’s existence as is was quite enough. He didn’t need to steal Seojun’s fighting ability, and he especially didn’t need to rob Seyeon’s musical passion too, to be interesting and have depths of his own [...]

Which I feel unfortunate about when it comes to K-Drama!Suho, and I still stand by it now. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the K-Drama, because it could really hold up as its own separate storyline and timeline, but if we start to critically compare, we do see that, in reality, Suho could carry his “boring” character well and the K-Drama probably just didn’t know how to do this well, or thought the reception would be bad, so they added all of these unnecessarily profile traits to have him stand out.

To add, even when all he really does is study and read comic books, Jugyeong still likes him. To Jugyeong, Suho doesn’t really need to be more than what he is - their shared interest and their strong loyalty in ensuring they’re each other’s safe haven when it comes to emotional struggles were already enough for her; and for Suho, Jugyeong’s company as is had been sufficient to make him happy, or have a better outlook in life.

2. How They Stole Seojun Webtoon’s Scene and Character

This is quite a sensitive topic for Seojun’s fans, so I will try addressing this very, very carefully. If you have anymore to add and discuss, feel free — I’d love to know what else I’ve missed or might have overlooked.

In this specific section, I think I’d like to focus on three (3) major Seojun scene that was stolen. The band-aid, the wallet, and the spicy food. Of course, I’ll be touching on things they’ve stolen beyond those scenes because they did incorporate a lot of what Seojun should be experiencing to Suho, or other characters, and why this wasn’t okay — or it couldn’t be held up. But let’s start with the scene first and we’ll slowly walk to what other aspects of Seojun the writers think we wouldn’t notice being stolen.

The Band Aid Scene

In the webtoon (spoilers to those who haven’t read) in Chapter 34, Suho got into an accident in an attempt to save Jugyeong. This led her to be injured on the knees, which, after Seojun was called in, he helped treated.

In the K-Drama, Suho was the one who treated Jugyeong’s knees – but this happened very early in the series and it was specifically triggered because Jugyeong tripped on her way to run Suho’s errands.

Personally, for me, I didn’t really mind this scene was “stolen”. Now, okay, before anybody comes at me, allow me to explain why: I didn’t think it mattered? Which probably didn’t help my case in fending a lot of you off lol but — I just didn’t think it mattered because in either scenes, it was still an in-character thing for them to do. Each boy would still assist Jugyeong and treated her knees even if they’ve switched places.

What I really meant was though, the scene didn’t really take any of Seojun’s important and/or core personality away from him — which you’ll find what I mean more as we delve on soon — it was just an act which anybody would’ve done for Jugyeong in that moment.

Especially in the webtoon, the bigger focus was more towards Suho who just got into an accident. There wasn’t really any fundamental value or any obvious motivation towards the scene unless you counted Seojun finding out that Heegyeong was Jugyeong’s sister - which, even then, it was brushed over quickly because, of course, we focus heavily on Suho’s state towards the end, and we’re stirring into what really happened between the three S (Seojun-Suho-Seyeon).

In the K-Drama, it was set up in such a way with a clear motivation: Suho apologising for pushing Jugyeong to such a limit and therefore elevating their statuses in comradeship, and for Seojun to notice and took an important interest in Jugyeong after seeing Suho and her together, triggering his consecutive contacts with her afterwards.

Each of them could really hold up as their own separate acts, and both boys are still heavily in-character.

The Wallet

In Chapter 32, Jugyeong (bare-faced) met with her bullies and they had a quick confrontation in WcDonalds. We realise the bullies didn’t really think they were responsible for how they acted, and didn’t apologise. This left Jugyeong devastated, so she left the restaurant premises and went home without realising she dropped her wallet. At the restaurant, Seojun’s friends picked it up — but Seojun was the one who identified the wallet’s owner, and came back just as Jugyeong, now fully in make-up, came to get it. Despite probably having eaten, Seojun invited Jugyeong to eat, noticing she’s in a bad mood.

In the K-Drama, Episode 6 if I’m not mistaken, Jugyeong stumbled upon her former bullies bare-faced. She managed to run out of the restaurant premises before shortly realising that she dropped her wallet. When she turned, she saw Suho was with her bullies, grasping the wallet from them. She ran away, he chased after, and they had their mini confrontation and Suho shielded Jugyeong from being recognised by their schoolmates.

Again, like the first, I didn’t really hold up any grudge over the scenes? Mostly because the difference in context between them?

Allow me to explain: in the webtoon, it was clearly placed that way to show the slow elevation of friendship between Jugyeong and Seojun; that scene also progressed to Jugyeong meeting Seojun’s group of friends later, which triggers to more scenes of them in the future i.e. Jugyeong trying out clothes at the request of Seojun’s friend’s girlfriend and Seojun obviously falling hard during the whole process.

(I also think like these are the first few instances where we’re established a place Seojun and Jugyeong bonded over most besides school, i.e. the shopping street background, because them shopping together in that group, or just the two of them, are relatively mentioned or brought up again and again.)

But that can’t realistically work for K-Drama.

In the webtoon, we’re allowed for a slow-paced friendship between Jugyeong and Seojun to form, which was important, because it was meant to bring us to the tipping point wherein Seojun transformed from being that best male friend (and why he stayed being the male best friend), to her boyfriend. The why, of course, is important — but we’ll get to that soon.

In the K-Drama, we’re not allowed the amount of pace. And, more than that, all of Seojun’s friends in the webtoon, who are high school dropouts or older (and therefore were not attending school) I believe, are replaced by the massive group Seojun has in their shared high school. So, the opportunity as is wasn’t really there, and it was later restricted by the time frame of a sixteen-episodes.

I’ll be touching on the fact that they do make up for this with various scenes, various new opportunities, but you can still see how Seojun falls a little short still to compare with his webtoon counterpart.

Speaking of the context further, technically I don’t think Suho “stole” the scene. The act, yes, I’ll admit to that, but not the scene, nor the core of what bonded Jugyeong and Seojun together — Suho didn’t have an external group of friends which he brought Jugyeong to meet, and he certainly didn’t share the street-shopping backgrounds and have a comforting meeting place with Jugyeong there.

I would’ve been more upset if Seojun confronted the bullies himself and returned the wallet to Jugyeong in the webtoon, only for Suho to obviously rob this scene from him in the K-Drama, when it was obviously Seojun’s highlighted moment. But as is, it happened differently.

Suho’s acts could held up as his own, especially since, different than the webtoon, he already saw bare-faced Jugyeong and knew the owner of the wallet [as he’s watched the scene unfold], while Seojun happened to find the wallet and Jugyeong thankfully had her ID, the one with make-up on her face, which led to Seojun keeping it and giving it back to her when they bump into each other later.

They weren’t really any confrontations about insecurities, past mistakes or the truth to be had; for Seojun and Jugyeong, that scene was only a “beginning” (the first of many events to come, the trigger point on how the rest starts), while for Suho, it was a “conclusion” (scenes triggered by other events first, ending with a specific decision).

The Spicy Food

Now, this is where I get a bit iffy? I wasn’t happy with it, simply put. I understand they amended it in episode 9, but — it still happened. And hoo-boy, they weren’t sneaky about it at all.

In the webtoon, Episode 33, Seojun invited Jugyeong to eat tteokbokki with him. Jugyeong wasn’t really feeling up to eat, but she accepted because she likes spicy food. Later, while having the meal together, Seojun is obviously having a hard time eating the spicy food, which Jugyeong internally questioned about.

In the K-Drama, Heegyeong and Mr. Han went on a date, and then we later find out that Mr. Han couldn’t withstand spicy food. He didn’t want to return the meal though, thinking that he would’ve burdened the staff.

Again, one can obviously just argue that, it happened in different context too, just like it did in the Wallet Scene. Or, better yet, that it’s fine, since they did include this in episode 9 in the end. But — the reason I had a problem with this choice of writing was because, unlike the other two examples, not beiong able to handle spicy food is a major, if not a constant, Seojun’s characteristics and behaviour.

That’s a Seojun thing, rather than a simple action, and taking that from him, or basing it off of him, feels a little... lazy.

Mr Han in the webtoon, while he didn’t play a major part and Heegyeong eventually lost interest in him, was a messy eater. They could’ve gone with that route easily. That he’s a messy eater, and Heegyeong finds herself liking it anyway — that is, if, like how I’ve been viewing the direction of the show, they really do want them to be together.

That’s already been apart of Mr. Han’s already-established behaviour, why take it from Seojun?

Which led us to the few bits of how Seojun is stolen beyond simple scenes.

Seojun’s Character

Now, “stolen” is such a big word. It’s right, to an extent, but it’s still such a big word. More than that, I’d say it’s “chipped”? As in, the true essence of what made Seojun so remarkable and strong as a second male lead in the webtoon is taken apart to have it lend to other characters or, equally worse, downplayed in the drama.

I’ve always had such a problem and it’s a MAJOR problem when Seojun, in the K-Drama, told Suho, “You don’t deserve to be happy.”

Straight-up, honest to god? That isn’t Seojun at all.

Yes, he’s upset. And yes, he’s irritated by what he perceived as Suho not coming to his expectation when it came to their shared loss regarding Seyeon and/or what he thought Suho failed to do. These are all true. Seojun is angry, and he’s consistently angry at Suho until they reach their resolution together — but he would never wish that on Suho.

What drove his anger was disappointment, was a sense of hopelessness, was the loss, but it never came from hatred. Seojun felt a lot towards Suho, but hate to the point of wishing someone’s unhappiness was never one of them.

Just having that spoken by Seojun contradicted a lot to how he behaves in the webtoon — which was honestly this upstanding, responsible and caring guy. And he is!

And while I adore Suho and he has a special place in my heart, I do see a stark difference to how Seojun operates if we compare to Suho: Seojun’s always been straightforward with his actions, countlessly working hard once he sets his mind to something (either that by choice, or otherwise i.e. helping his mom pay the bills, and then pursuing a career in being an idol) — he’s a go-getter.

Suho isn’t, not so directly at least. He’s quiet, and he keeps things to himself, and he doesn’t like a show. Which was why a lot of him “helping out” Jugyeong — mostly driving off weird men or confronting them — happened behind the scenes and without anybody’s knowledge. He doesn’t even really wanna acknowledge it after.

Seojun’s direction in life is clear, too. He wants to work right after school, and he does. He wants to treat Jugyeong properly as her romantic partner, and he does. He wants to be an idol and succeed, and he works hard on it.

Suho, on the other hand, not so much. A lot of the major things that did happen to Suho, it happened externally. Something else was pushing him to do an action. Him flying out to Japan due to his father, him returning to Korea etc. Again, this is a lot to do with his mental health as well, which is a separate post altogether, but I just wanted to point this out as comparison.

Rambling over — yes, if you’re not an avid webtoon reader, just know that, that specific line from Seojun? He would never. That was already so out-of-character of him because, as I’ve said and I will say it again, whatever anger Seojun harboured for Suho, it never came from such ugly or raw hatred. He didn’t understand Suho’s motivation after and/or during Seyeon’s death, and I do believe he could lash out from that - but he never held any extreme grudges.

To add, in the webtoon, that line was actually spoken by Suho when he admitted to his therapist that he think he doesn’t deserves to be happy.

This is also a big thing in my opinion, because it shows how differently Seojun and Suho coped — either with Seyeon, or whatever that comes after. Seojun has always been more prone to anger while Suho, either that added by his fluctuating mental health or otherwise, is prone to sadness.

Now, these are two extremely big negative emotions to be associated with our ever-favourite boys, but it’s true. It’s consistent throughout their characters all-through the story (in the webtoon, at least). And it does play a role, because, again, it showcases the difference of characters between Seojun and Suho, and how they react to situations differently. Seojun with his quick-temper, and Suho, easily feeling hopeless.

So, why is it important to know this?

Because a lot of Seojun’s anger, a lot of that deep-rooted aggression — that was transferred to Suho in the K-Drama. And no cap? It shouldn’t have.

3. Why It Worked, Why It Will Never

Let’s go back to the broader subject briefly.

At this point of the K-Drama, which is ten episodes in, I felt a little moot comparing scenes specifically to what had happened in the webtoon. It’s always nice, of course, to critically analyse any form of entertainment so we could always better our watching experiences or give the proper feedbacks to the creative industry, and while I like delving in deep too, I also have to remind myself a lot to not .... take it too seriously, essentially.

Because at this point, obviously the K-Drama has adapted many of the plot points from the webtoon, and re-arranged it to fit into what they deemed to be necessary to work in that timeline. And that’s okay!

For example, while Seojun’s scene was borrowed to other characters, we do get the opportunity to see Seojun being presented slightly differently. We have that new arc regarding his mother, and we see a whole loveable cast of group Seojun has acquired during his time schooling, and Seojun gets a ton more interactive chances with Jugyeong to make up for what they couldn’t do — that is, the slow progress of them becoming truly close friends till they’re in their young adult years — and every scene of them could still hold up as a magnifying and incredible moment as its own.

For example, that scene when Seojun took care of a sick Jugyeong in the bus, and he said (although I’m recalling only from memory), “I don’t like it when people get sick.” Which I think was super sweet and super impactful at the same time. This didn’t happen in the webtoon, but in the K-Drama, among the first scenes they’ve introduced Seojun in was when he was in the hospital visiting his mother; we also learn later that he actually time off from school to do help his parent.

So obviously Seojun’s cautious on anything that’s to do with somebody contracting an illness etc — and not only it showed in that one dialogue, it’s made more brilliant when Seojun, who can’t really afford any expensive jewellery, made Jugyeong a flower-braid bracelet. I think that was such a nice contrast, a nice touch and ugh!!!!!

That really punched me straight into my Seojun x Jugyeong heart.

We also see a different way of them interpreting and putting Sujin brilliantly into the story. I really want to go deeper into this, but I don’t believe I have sufficient enough thoughts beyond the fact that I much prefer the way the K-Drama built up Sujin to compare with how the webtoon placed Sujin. She has more motivation, she has more leverage, and last but not least, she has much more flexibility to become a serious second female lead and rival.

I do have a problem with how they decided to go with Suho, because again, I think all of the extra personality traits are not necessary. Suho doesn’t need to be a good fighter like Seojun had been established to be, and he doesn’t need to be musically passionate, like Seyeon was, because his own personality and character should’ve been enough. He could carry that personality well; he doesn’t need to be “more”.

Which brought us to this: Seojun’s aggressiveness taken by Suho.

To make this short - it just doesn’t work. It didn’t... really feel out of character, per se, but I'm not the biggest fan of it. I felt like, personally, the writers sort of missed the point of what truly made Suho Suho — which was this guy who was more prone to melancholy-based emotion than anything else — and, in return, (again, I’ll be using the word) they “chipped” away at Seojun because of it.

So, what should’ve been Seojun’s distinctive reaction carried specifically by his character, it was shared by Suho.

Suho isn’t unpredictable, he isn’t quick-tempered, and he isn’t fast on his feet. These are all Seojun’s major personality traits. He’s opinionated, yes, and he isn’t afraid to set his boundaries — but mostly, only his own. One of the more primary example I could give from the K-Drama that I think sorta worked at first glance, but didn’t really when you think twice about it, in regards to this, was Suho chasing after Seojun and Jugyeong after a gang of people were running towards them. (This is after the karaoke scene.)

Honestly, rather than just wasting his energy, it’d be more appropriate if Suho calls the cop.

Suho’s incredibly logical, and furiously straightforward. He doesn’t precisely need to be running around for — what? What was he achieving anyways in the K-Drama by running after the gang? See how it sorta doesn’t make sense? So, yes, if it doesn’t make sense - Suho wouldn’t.

Again, this circles back to how the different way the boys coped or react, as I mentioned earlier, and it’s important to be distinctive with these because both boys are two separate individuals with two different ways of seeing the world and taking them in, and, cheesy as I may, representation matters.

And when it isn’t represented properly, and I’ll be repeating this over and over: Seojun’s character seems like it’s “chipped away”. Not stolen, no, because it’s still there but — what should’ve been an emotion his specific character should harbour, it feels ... lacklustre, almost. Like a joke: what makes Seojun’s anger so “special” compared to the obvious internalised rage Suho seems to have [in the K-Drama]?

4. How Is Seojun and Suho Dynamic Ruined?

Simply put: observe the way the writers put Seojun and Suho when it comes to Jugyeong.

In the K-Drama, it’s constant rivalry between the boys — driven, of course, by Suho’s possibly deteriorating mental health and the insecurity that came with. But it was also easily flamed by Seojun making jabs and/or crossing the boundaries by being there when he shouldn’t have been.

Now, I’m not into the whole Team Seojun vs. Team Suho thing because the real tea is, that just isn’t Seojun and Suho.

And when the K-Drama writers failed to incorporate how exactly Seojun and Suho had been when both boys clearly shared an affection towards the same person, Jugyeong, I feel like — out of everything, that’s when they lost the biggest essence of what made these two men who they are.

Because Seojun and Suho? They were mad respectful towards each other.

I think one of the most memorable and important scene, and I carry this in my heart, was when Jugyeong was supposed to go out on that date with Suho, and they promised each other — but then Suho’s father got into an accident, and Jugyeong wasn’t reachable because she broke her phone.

You know who showed up to that date to inform Jugyeong? It was Seojun.

And it was Seojun again who came to pick Jugyeong up and got into the taxi to the airport to see Suho off. Seojun was the one who gave Jugyeong and Suho some time to say goodbye between themselves, tapping Jugyeong on the back when he walks away. That’s how far Seojun really cared for the girl he loves: he was willing to let her love the person she likes.

He was supportive, without being discriminating.

And it was the same again when it’s reversed. During the whole time Seojun and Jugyeong were dating, Suho never once showcased that he was dissatisfied or he wasn’t happy with the development. In fact, again and again, he was supportive. He put in good words for Seojun, he encouraged Jugyeong to always work it out between her and Seojun.

Of course, there are hiccups here and there — but that was the true essence, I believe, of the Seojun-and-Suho dynamic.

Even despite the misunderstanding, even through the romantic interest coming in between them, there will always have this big respect to not go behind one another and put the other down, I think. They would confront, and have their clashing moments face-to-face (but never too aggressively because Suho’s weak and often pulls back lol), but very rarely does it go further than that.

Even when they’re driven with anger, jealousy, or disappointment — you could tell that the bond they’ve shared from their middle school and with Seyeon were always somehow stronger.

And yes, you could argue that maybe, in this point of the K-Drama, they aren’t reconciled yet, which is why they acted the way they did. But I feel like? That didn’t matter? Because, in episode 10, we could clearly see Seojun having the capability of being supportive and putting his good faith in Suho, despite not being on good terms with the guy (e.g. when he advised, “Suho would never do that to you.”) even though that’s quickly tarnished when Seojun, in the same breath, quickly suggest for a break-up.

I don’t really have any defence for Suho because I already felt like him expressing constant aggression towards Seojun is already wrong, misplaced, or poorly written — so whatever action that came after always came a bit off for me. For example, rather than putting the blame for his own jealousy towards Seojun or Jugyeong (i.e. episode eight in its entirety), Suho is the kind of person to blame himself. He would feel that he lacked something, that it was him that wasn’t enough, that it must be him that’s done something to push Jugyeong, or anybody, away.

(Again, echoing his admittance: “I don’t think I deserve to be happy.” or, if we’re going with the K-Drama route, from Seojun’s accusation.)

5. Why They Didn’t Need To Change At All

The worst part of knowing or realising these small details is that, the story could still work. It could still move the characters forward, and have the relatively same outcome i.e. Suho lashing out by the end, threatened by his own insecurity that Jugyeong might prefer Seojun after all etc — but instead, we have these amazing characters that came off at 90% in the drama adaptation, but the 10% that really mattered to their characters weren’t mixed in well enough.

So, the question comes: how exactly should they be acting?

First, Suho’s often more calm — the calmest, in fact, between the Suho-Jugyeong-Seojun trio. This still doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any pent-up guilt, or sadness, or even aggression, but it rarely ever comes out violently. Even if it does, in any shape or form, mostly the emotions are fired back towards himself i.e. experiencing massive self-loathing, self-doubt, which, of course, may in return affect his interpersonal relationships.

Episode 10 played this out nicely, in fact: because we do have a scene where Suho’s being incredibly understanding and respectful in the beginning, but then little things and mistimed events built up (without proper explanations from the other party, to add) and he essentially imploded on himself i.e. lashing out, spiralling, having a mental breakdown, and by the end of it, (trigger warning ahead) committing suicide and/or self-harming himself by walking freely and stopping in the middle of traffic.

Secondly, Seojun could’ve still held so much anger at Suho for what happened with Seyeon and had fallen for Jugyeong all the while, but he could still stay in-character by never explicitly trying to constantly put Suho down. It just goes against a character so substantial for putting his all towards the people he loves, or have loved. And Seojun have loved Suho as a best friend - so for him to act the way he did, to say that line ( “You don’t deserve to be happy” ) especially, that makes me sad.

6. Conclusion

True Beauty, on the surface, will always be a light-hearted romance comedy that honestly has very interesting and well thought-of characters that... don’t necessarily stand out, I don’t think, among other high school K-Drama, but it does represent young adults or teens who seemed to “look like they’re doing well” but a lot of us really aren’t. We’re just figuring things out as we go along, and that’s what Suho, Seojun and Jugyeong seemed to be doing with us: they’re figuring things out as they go along, too.

In the end, there really isn’t much of a point expressing these thoughts except that it gives me simple pleasures, and if it can attract a few people who loves True Beauty too, I would simply die of appreciation. I hope a lot of the K-Drama audience can have a slight knowledge that, yes, Seojun is absolutely super kind, way kinder than he’s been portrayed on screen, and yes, Suho isn’t normally that possessive - protective, yes - he never stalks or particularly demands anything out of Jugyeong though.

Okay, before this got too long again, I thank you for reading!

Feel Free To Ask Me Anything

#True Beauty #Lee Suho #Han Seojun #i did this over three days like.....#why #why must i? but i must #i think its mostly triggered by seojun's ''you dont deserve to be happy'' line #like..... he did that man dirty #and i am here to TELL IT LIKE IT IS!#i feel like... its one thing to make a typical two men in rivalry over the same lady trope #but its another when.... its canon that these two men #are actually very astounding and very good people #i dont know #its just been in my head #since episode 8 i think #and i need this OUT #True Beauty Meta

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ggukcangetit · 4 years

Text

Dreamcatchers 6

Pairing: jungkook x oc

Summary: DI Jeon didn’t need a new partner. Unfortunately, his superiors felt otherwise; especially considering the extremely high-profile murder that had just taken place in the port city. Recent transfer, DI Choi Yuri finds herself confronted with a new cityscape, unfamiliar people, a hostile partner, and a homicide that is certain to bring back unpleasant memories.

Genre/AU: fluff/action/mystery | detective! au | police!jungkook, police!oc

Word Count: 5.2k

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: mentions of violence, alcohol, blood, drugs, death. basically stuff you’d associate with a murder mystery/crime drama.

Chapters 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

A/N: it’s been a while since i posted and even longer since i updated this fic but its still here and so am i! lol. updates are not gonna be very frequent but i have a list of works in progress that i plan to finish so there will be something or the other being posted at the most random moments.

also, reminding everyone that this story features a named oc because i’m still very unfamiliar with writing second person reader inserts. i’m not aiming for strict accuracy in this story, and all criminal investigation/forensics knowledge i have has been gathered by watching crime drama/procedural dramas! my knowledge of geography is also not totally accurate so apologies for that. once again, one thing right by @hobios prompted me to write a police inspector! jungkook story. would highly recommend reading that because it’s probably one of my most favorite pieces of writing!

21st December

"Is this how you conduct a sample analysis?! Where did you even train? I've half a mind to report you and get you kicked out!!"

Yuri stopped at her desk, surprised to hear Seulgi's yelling so loudly that she could be heard all the way from the floor above. She was usually extremely calm and even-tempered, but the past couple of days had seen her irritable, snappy, and downright furious.

"Dr. Ahn sounds really angry," whispered Jisoo, clutching a file close to her chest. "I've never heard her yell at anybody before. I hope she's okay."

"I'm sure everything's fine," said Jeon, walking over to his desk and dropping a bunch of files on it. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Yuri raised an eyebrow at him, but complied nonetheless. They walked outside, standing near a clump of trees outside of earshot of anyone in the station.

"Guess who I've just brought in on suspicion of murder for the 2nd Nov case?" he asked, lowering his voice.

"No!" gasped Yuri. "Minhyuk?"

"Yep. He's been in the country for a while now. Fancy giving me a hand with the interview?"

"Me? I mean," she bit her lip. "I wasn't part of the original investigation."

"I know, but in light of what you've found out and the fact that you're now my partner, Goh thinks it's okay."

"You told Goh?!"

"I had to. I can't restart the investigation without his permission."

Jeon stared at her for a few moments, trying to gauge her reaction. "So, what do you say?"

"Alright. Let's nail this bastard."

Ahreum was late. She had a meeting with one of her professors to decide on which medical stream she'd specialize in. Despite using forensics as an excuse to distract Seulgi, she was seriously considering it now. Deciding to pursue medicine had been a drastic career switch for Ahreum, and a lot of people had questioned her decision relentlessly. But if there was something she had learnt in the years following her parents' divorce, it was patience and the ability to block out irrelevant conversations. Namjoon had always been immersed in his studies, barely affected by the bitterness existing between their parents. Ahreum, barely in high school, felt lost and helpless during those times. After the divorce, things had become less tumultuous and she was able to see her parents as individual entities. That was when she realized that her father was never going to like any of her decisions, no matter how hard she tried to please him, and her mother preferred to stay aloof at the best of times. Ahreum learnt pretty early in life, that she needed to be there for herself. She loved her brother and parents, though the latter a lot less than the former. Her decision to study English Literature and Creative Writing had been a spur of the moment one - dictated more by the fact that her high school boyfriend was going to study at a major Arts university. She didn't really regret any of her decisions. Her degree had led her to finding a hobby she adored - photography. And having a freelance job meant that she could stay with Namjoon - who earned a significantly larger amount than her - and move whenever he needed to move as well. This was also how she had met Taehyung 3 years ago - a happy coincidence of events when she had been taking pictures outside the museum at Seoul. They had started talking about art and photography, eventually realizing that they lived in the same part of the city. In addition to Yuri, she also considered Taehyung to be her best friend. She had seen him during one of his lowest moments when Seokjin had left home; and then some time later when he had found Seokjin living in the town Ahreum and Namjoon had recently shifted to, she had stayed by him as he grappled with his anger and frustration towards his older brother until an eventual reconciliation.

But at this moment, she was beginning to lose patience with him. Five minutes before she was about to leave for her meeting, she received a bunch of frantic texts from him.

8.25 am

T: ahreum?? are u up??

T: jimins still in custody

T: im so worried

8.26 am

T: u there?

T: i want to visit him...

T: will u come with me?

8.27 am

T: hey

T: ???

T: i didnt sleep much so i dont wanna drive there

8.28 am

T: are u sleeping?

T: ???

He knew she had a meeting today. He knew how important the meeting was for her. She had spoken about it many times. Not for the first time, Ahreum wondered whether Taehyung cared about her beyond what directly concerned him. If it wasn't somehow relevant to him, he never seemed to remember much. It was a careless apathy that had hurt her during the beginning of their friendship, but she had accepted it as a part of him.

Her meeting was at 9 am and she usually needed 20 minutes to get there on her bike. She closed her eyes and mentally rehearsed the points she was going to bring up during her meeting. Her phone pinged once more, breaking her concentration.

8.30 am

T: hey

T: can u pick me up?

She frowned and shot a quick text before pocketing her phone and strapping on her helmet.

A: sorry have a meeting... talk later

As Ahreum sped through the narrow lanes, she was convinced that there was no way she was going to talk to Taehyung today. He would have to manage on his own for once.

Yuri and Jeon sat across from a very nervous Park Minhyuk, his bloodshot eyes indicating that he had been brought in after a rough night.

"Good morning." Jeon began the interview, his notes stacked neatly in front of him. "You were very hard to get a hold of, Mr. Park. Specifically because your company categorically states that you've been out of the country for business."

"I-" His face was white as a sheet.

"When we called your office, we were told that you are often out of the country on business trips. Short trips," Jeon flipped through his notes. "A fortnight, 20 days at max. Your secretary was very obliging - he told us that you traveled on October 12th and returned on October 27th. Then left the country again on November 1st and returned on November 16th. Another trip between November 22nd and December 6th. And finally, one more on December 10th from which you still haven't returned."

"Your phone records are very interesting, Mr. Park," said Yuri, joining in. "I'm DI Choi, by the way, and I will be assisting DI Jeon as his partner on the case. Now -" she opened the file in front of her and took out a particular page - "is this your cell phone number?"

"Yes, but-"

"Our Telecomms division looked over recent activity over the last 3-4 months. While your office confirms that you have been on multiple trips out of the country from October onwards, your phone has been operating in Korea for almost two months. Can you tell us why?"

Minhyuk remained silent, his hands clenched on the table.

"Do you recognize this?" Yuri placed a plastic bag on the table and moved it towards him.

The remaining color drained from Minhyuk's face as he stared at the ring inside the plastic bag.

"Let me help you out, Mr. Park," she continued. "This is an heirloom from your mother's side of the family. There was three such rings - one buried with your mother, one on your brother's finger, and one found at the scene of Son Eunbi's murder. Can you tell us how your ring found its way to a murder scene?"

"I didn't kill her!" Minhyuk looked like he was going to pass out. Jeon poured some water into a glass and passed it to him.

"She was dead when I got there!" he said after gulping down the water. His hands were shaking by this point.

"If she was dead when you got there, why didn't you call the police?"

"I..."

Faced with a possible murder charge, Minhyuk looked frightened but not nearly as forthcoming with an alibi as one would have hoped.

"Mr. Park," Yuri spoke after a period of silence. "Did you know that Ms. Son had a three year old daughter named Gina?"

Minhyuk gulped, his eyes breaking contact with hers. He removed his hands from where they had been clenched on the table, choosing to hide them in his lap.

"Are you Gina's father?" she continued. Minhyuk head shot up at her question.

"H-how did-"

"When did you find out?" she asked.

Minhyuk sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I guess there's no point in denying it since you know everything." He reached out and finished the remaining water in the glass. "In October, after I came back from a trip, I happened to meet her by chance and Gina was with her. It was odd, the way that she tried to avoid talking to me. And the fact that Gina also had clear grey eyes."

For the first time since the interview started, Yuri realised the resemblance between the Park brothers was limited but striking. Their eyes were the exact same shade of grey - while Jimin looked cold and unwelcoming, Minhyuk's glasses did well to give him a warmer appearance.

"I asked her why she hadn't contacted me when she got pregnant. Or in the three years since Gina was born."

"What did she say?" asked Yuri, softly.

"She was scared that I wouldn't believe her." Tears had started to roll down his cheeks. "I loved her... so much. And then she just disappeared one day. I tried so hard to find her but..."

Jeon poured another glass of water for him.

"I told her how happy I was to hear about Gina. That I wanted us to be a proper family. I was willing to do whatever was necessary if that's what she wanted as well. I think she was beginning to warm up to the idea. I even told my father to postpone my next trip so that I could spend a little more time with both of them. But-"

"But?"

Minhyuk stared at his hands, looking tired and dejected. "He - uh, he wasn't happy when he heard about Gina. My father has very particular expectations."

"What did he say to you? Did he threaten you, Mr. Park?"

Minhyuk let out a soft chuckle. "My father doesn't threaten. He suggests."

"And what did he suggest you do about Gina and Eunbi?" asked Jeon.

"That I stay away from them. For the sake of my inheritance."

"And did you?"

"I was planning to... I-I was meant to travel the next day and I thought I would go and see her once more before I left. But when I got there..."

Minhyuk covered his face with his hands, taking deep breaths to try and calm himself.

"What happened when you got there, Mr. Park?"

"She was lying there... in a pool of blood. Gina was asleep in the back. I-I didn't kill her. You have to believe me."

Yuri and Jeon exchanged a quick look as Minhyuk protested his innocence. They were aware that the homeless man had killed Son Eunbi. The DNA found at the crime scene confirmed the fact that he had stabbed her. But they needed Minhyuk to give them as much information as possible.

"I'm afraid we do not conduct our investigations based on belief, Mr. Park," continued Yuri, shuffling her notes meaningfully. "You still haven't provided us with an alibi for that night. Strange thing - the Park family seem to have a particular aversion towards providing alibis. Your brother was also extremely resistant when we spoke to him."

"You spoke to Jimin? What for?" Minhyuk's expression had changed completely. He looked strangely alert.

"I guess you aren't aware that Jimin was arrested for the murder of Kang Eunwoo on December 15th." Jeon spoke deliberately, hoping to elicit a reaction. And he was successful.

"What?! That's impossible! There's no way he could've done that!"

"Why are you so certain of that?"

"Because he was with me on December 15th!"

"I'm sorry but we can't take you at your word. You can't even provide a proper alibi for yourself on the night of Son Eunbi's murder. How can we be sure that the two of you aren't just covering up for each other?"

It was then that Minhyuk realised that he would need to come clean. There was no way to save Jimin without telling them the entire story.

"Fine," he sighed. "I'll tell you everything."

"Everything?"

"Yes. If it can help Jimin, I'm willing to risk my father finding out."

Yuri glanced at Jeon who gave her an almost imperceptible nod.

"Go on."

"After I saw Eunbi... lying there, I couldn't leave Gina. No matter what my father had said, I couldn't leave my daughter in such a situation. So I... took her away with me."

"Where is Gina now, Mr. Park?" Yuri asked, frowning.

"She's safe."

"Where is she?" asked Jeon, sharply.

"In Busan. I have an apartment there and she's been with me since that day."

"Why didn't you tell the police that you had her? Why does your company believe that you are abroad on a business trip?"

Minhyuk rubbed his eyes tiredly and drank some more water. "I couldn't let my father find out. Jimin and I have an apartment in Busan that we bought under a different name. It was a place our father couldn't find us. Gina's been staying there with me since 2nd November."

"Are you sure your father thinks you're abroad? It doesn't seem like something easy to cover up."

"Jimin helped with that," said Minhyuk, leaning back into the cold metal chair. "He told father that I had run away because he hadn't been understanding of my situation with Gina and Eunbi. Jimin's good at convincing people - it's a talent he's barely ever put to good use."

"So Jimin knew that you were hiding in a secret apartment with your recently discovered daughter?"

"Yes, he did. I have an alibi for 2nd November. I was in a meeting till 9 pm and then stopped for drinks at a nearby fried chicken place till 11 pm. I was a bit tipsy after that, which is why I decided to visit Eunbi and Gina. After taking Gina away from there, I went to Jimin's place, got the keys to the apartment and drove straight there. I think I reached around 2 am."

Yuri jotted down all this information, making a note to check on every new detail that had been mentioned.

"What about December 15th? You said Jimin was with you. Why?" asked Jeon, folding his arms across his chest.

"We meet once a week to make sure everything is going okay," said Minhyuk, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly. "Sundays are usually the best days for that."

"Where did you meet?"

"At the local ice-cream shop," Minhyuk frowned, trying to remember something. "You know the one near the end of town?"

"The Dairy Berry? Yes, I know which one you're talking about." Jeon gave Yuri a brief nod to confirm that this was a legitimate spot and not something Minhyuk was making up on the spot.

"Gina loves sweet things and I thought it would be easier to take her with me the same day I met Jimin. I think we were there till 10 pm. After that, I dropped Jimin at a bar and drove back home."

"Which bar was this?" asked Yuri.

"Sunset."

"And you drove straight home after that?"

"You can check the dash cam on my car and the security tapes at my apartment building, if you want."

"We definitely will, Mr. Park," said Jeon, surveying him carefully. "In the meantime, you will be in custody until we have verified each and every single thing you just told us. So I suggest you keep yourself hydrated."

Yuri could feel a pair of eyes on her as she spoke to Jisoo and Suho.

"We need to verify everything that Park Minhyuk told us. But there's a lot of ground to cover and we've lost quite a bit of time since the murder of Son Eunbi. So I suggest you recruit some uniformed officers as well." Jisoo jotted down the locations and the times they needed to verify, and nodded to Suho to indicate she had forwarded the details to him. "We need to get the information as soon as possible."

"Will do," said Suho, giving her a reassuring nod.

Yuri waited for them to leave before walking over to the person who had been watching her for a while.

"Did you want to talk about something?" she asked Seulgi.

"I-" Seulgi tugged at her sleek, high ponytail, looking oddly hesitant. She seemed in a better mood than earlier in the morning when she had almost scared one of the interns into leaving the country. "Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah- " Yuri checked the clock on her phone - "just a minute though. I'm waiting for Jeon to get a warrant from Goh."

"Did he-? I mean, Jimin, uh... have you...? You know-" It was strange to see her grappling for words. "Are you certain he's done it?"

Yuri stared at her for a second. This wasn't what she had been expecting Seulgi to talk about. The doctor's relationship with Jimin was even more puzzling than she had originally perceived it.

"We're looking into it right now." She paused, trying to gauge Seulgi's reaction. "But you already know about the blood sample match - that, in itself, is pretty damaging."

"Y-yeah, I know."

Before Yuri could say anything more, Jeon came out of the Chief Inspector's office. "We've got a warrant to search Minhyuk's apartment. Let's go."

Glancing one more time at Seulgi's ashen face, Yuri put on her coat and scarf and followed Jeon out the exit.

Once inside Jeon's car, Yuri debated whether or not she should attempt to engage him in conversation. Her decision was made for her when he drove onto the main road, and lowered the volume of the police scanner.

"What was Seulgi saying?" he asked, his eyes focused on the road.

"Just where we were in the investigation."

"I see."

Yuri fiddled with the button on her coat, itching to say more.

"What's the deal with her and Jimin?" she finally asked.

"I- what do you mean?" Jeon raised his eyebrow and gave her the most puzzled expression he could muster while trying to stay focused on the crazy traffic.

"Their relationship is... weird. He keeps flirting with her, and she is on the verge of ripping his guts out at every given moment. But just now, she seemed almost worried about him."

"I don't really know... they've never really seen eye-to-eye on much." Jeon checked the rear view mirror to make sure he was clear before deftly changing lanes. "Jimin has always been the person who tries his utmost to push everyone's buttons. And Seulgi... well, she has a lot of buttons."

Yuri snorted loudly. "That tells me nothing and everything at the same time. You really have a way with words, Jeon."

He smirked at this, his eyes never leaving the road. "So does that mean you trust me now?"

"No." She looked at him and caught the way his face fell slightly at her response. "But who knows what the future holds..."

The smirk was back.

Ahreum had a terrible headache. She usually didn't get many headaches. So on the rare occasion that she did, it put her in a really terrible mood. The only person who knew how to handle this situation properly was Namjoon. He knew that she needed silence, dim lighting, green tea, fresh bread, and absolutely no unexpected company.

So when Ahreum got home after her grueling 3 hour long meeting, hoping to relax and recuperate, she wasn't too pleased to find Taehyung sitting in her living room, playing a very loud game on his tablet.

"You're back!" he yelled, once she slammed the door to make her presence felt. "I've been waiting for hours. How was your meeting?"

"'S okay," she replied, shortly. Taking off her coat, she opened the middle cabinet in the kitchen and searched for the green tea.

"Great! So do you wanna go and visit Jimin now?"

"No."

"What? Why not? You don't have anything else to do right now. Just come with me. Please!" He had walked into the kitchen and was standing in front of her with a pout on his lips.

As endearing as she always found his antics, Ahreum was at breaking point. She placed the cup on the counter with a loud clink, and turned to face him.

"Because I don't have time to follow you on your every whim, Taehyung. Because I have a life of my own. Because I am studying medicine, which, if you aren't aware, is a very taxing occupation." She paused for a breath, as his mouth fell open in shock. "Because I am not your babysitter. Or your handler. Or your caretaker. And I'm tired of being responsible for you. You're a grown ass adult and it's about time you acted like one."

"Ahreum, I'm-" His eyes were wide and worried, and she felt a tiny sliver of remorse. "I don't think you're my babysitter or handler or whatever. You're my best friend."

"I thought so too. In fact," she said, looking away from him. "I thought we were, or we could be, more."

"W-what? Ahreum?" Taehyung sounded so lost and confused that she was tempted to console him.

She walked to the front door and held it open for him. "I think you should leave now. I'm tired, I have a headache, and I don't want to be around anyone right now."

"Wait! What did you mean by that?" he asked, hesitantly standing at the entrance.

"I'm tired, Taehyung. I don't have the energy to explain everything to you. Now, please," she began closing the door slowly. "I want to rest."

"It's clear!" The uniformed officer confirmed to them, before opening the door further.

"Okay, let's see whether little Gina is here," instructed Jeon, his face drawn into a frown.

Yuri nodded and walked into the room on the left of the large living area. It was a study of sorts, with a large wooden desk, a swiveling chair, and shelves upon shelves of books. She quickly checked to see if there was anyone in the room before shouting "clear!". There was another door connecting to a smaller room, it's walls bathed in bright sunlight and smelling of soft lavender. This was clearly some sort of guest room, judging by the inconsistent decor theme. The furniture looked sleek and modern, but the sheets on the bed were soft and pastel colored. A bunch of soft toys stood leaning against the flat screen tv, and Yuri realised that this was probably the room that had been hastily fixed up for a small child's unexpected stay. And sure enough, soft strands of brown hair peaked through the large covers on the bed.

She walked over to the bed slowly, not wanting to startle the child. Yuri barely managed to stifle a gasp as she looked into the child's clear grey eyes - the same color as both Park Minhyuk and Park Jimin.

"Hello," she said, softly. "Are you Gina?"

The little girl nodded, bringing the covers closer towards her.

"I'm a police officer. I help catch bad people." She didn't respond, staring at her with wide eyes.

"Do you want to go to your dad, Gina?" She nodded vigorously, sitting up at the mention of her father. "Okay, we will. But first, tell me, are you okay? Do you feel pain anywhere?"

The little girl shook her head.

"Are you sleepy?"

Again, she shook her head.

"Are you hungry?"

Slowly, she nodded her head.

"Okay, we'll go and see your dad, and also get you something to eat. Is that okay with you?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful."

It was just after 2 pm and Yuri felt completely drained. After they had found Gina, she had insisted on returning to the station to ask Jimin about his alibi for the night of Kang Eunwoo's murder. From what she had understood, he had refused to provide an alibi to protect his brother and keep him out of the police's radar until the situation with Gina worked out. Even though she still couldn't get herself to consider him a pleasant person, his desire to protect his brother had humanized him a great deal in her eyes.

Sure enough, once he was made aware that Minhyuk had come forward and spoken about his daughter and the events of the past month and a half, Jimin looked much less hostile than before.

"I was at Sunset from around 10.30 pm to closing time - which is 2 am," he said, sighing tiredly and rubbing his face with his hands. "You can confirm with them."

While Minhyuk and Jimin's alibis were verified, Yuri received a text from Namjoon, asking her and Jeon to meet him at Seokjin's bakery. It was barely a 2 minute drive there, so Jeon suggested they get lunch over there and make it before Goh finished compiling the list of paperwork for them to finish.

The smell of freshly baked milk bread wafted out of the kitchen, adding another layer of warmth to Seokjin's cozy shop. The man in question picked up the large tray filled with various different confections, and brought it over to the table by the window.

"Peach danish and americano for Namjoon, chocolate fudge brownie and vanilla bean ice cream for Jeongguk, and a snow croissant and hot chocolate for Yuri." He placed everything on the table, before grabbing his lukewarm cup of tea and sitting down with them.

"So you finally find the child, then?" asked Seokjin, sipping the tea. He made a face at the odd taste that tea acquires when it's between comfortingly steamy and soothingly chilled.

"Yeah we did," Yuri replied, when her partner remained silent. "Goh is dealing with Minhyuk and the custody charges. It's no longer in our jurisdiction."

"Namjoon, how's grad school treating you?" Seokjin diverted the conversation, realising that his friend wasn't ready to talk about the case at that moment. "How much longer do you have?"

"A few more months and I should be done." Namjoon wiped the pastry flakes from the corner of his mouth and nearly tipped over his americano in the process. Yuri chuckled at this, suddenly remembering those random moments in high school where Namjoon was a lot thinner and less confident, but still had a propensity for knocking things over.

"Remind me why you're putting yourself through this?" Seokjin broke off a piece of the peach danish and popped it into his mouth.

"The last time I tried to explain that, you spaced out and created a new pastry recipe for your menu. As much as I like helping your business flourish, I'm gonna preserve my energy and only talk about things when necessary."

Seokjin chuckled and picked up a spoon from the dispenser. "Jeongguk, can I get a bit of ice cream from you?" There was no response, and looking at him for confirmation Seokjin's eyebrows shot up in alarm.

"Okay okay, I won't eat any of your ice cream. You don't have to tear up about it!"

Yuri and Namjoon turned towards him as well, not sure what to do when they saw tears slowly sliding down Jeongguk's cheeks.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" asked Namjoon, patting his shoulder softly.

They sat in silence, as Jeongguk sobbed softly and wiped his face with his coat sleeve. He turned towards Yuri, his eyes glazed with tears but holding a soft radiance unlike what she was used to.

"Thank you."

Yuri felt her face heat up suddenly. This wasn't what she had been expecting. The soft sincerity in his voice startled her. It was nothing like the person she had met only a week ago. She looked away abruptly and nodded her head.

"There's nothing to thank me for. This is our job."

Jeongguk smiled and resumed eating the disgustingly sweet dessert combination in front of him. He nudged Seokjin to take some ice cream like he had originally intended. There was silence once more, but this time, it was very different.

Back at the station, Yuri finished the paperwork for the day. There was a lot to complete, and since they had stopped at Seokjin's for a break, they had lost some time as well. Goh had been very clear about completing all the paperwork for social services to take over the case from them now that Gina had been found.

It was barely even 5 pm but Yuri felt a large yawn coming on for the third time in the past few minutes. She wasn't sure how long she would be able to carry on without getting proper sleep at night. At this rate, she would eventually burn out. There was only so much coffee could do for her.

A light tap brought her attention to another person standing in her cubicle. She looked up to see Jeon holding two steaming cups of ramen, tilting his head slightly to confirm whether it was okay for him to sit down.

"Did you need anything?" she asked, after moving her slightly. He placed the ramen on her desk and pulled up his own chair and sat down.

"I've got a peace offering," he gestured to the ramen. "I wanted to apologize properly for being an absolute dickhead to you. I-" He hesitated, looking down at his hands that lay clenched on his lap - "I don't really have an excuse for my behavior but I had a lot on my mind. Particularly about finding the little girl. And, well... you really don't know what solving this case means to me."

Once again, Yuri wasn't sure how to react. She felt embarrassed that he was thanking her for doing her job - something that he did as well. While she appreciated his apology, his entire being remained confusing to her.

"Don't worry about it," she said, waving her hand dismissively. "And thanks for the ramen; food is always appreciated."

Thankfully, her computer ping-ed with a new email before the atmosphere could get any more awkward.

"Okay, we've confirmed Minhyuk's alibi's for 2nd November and 15th December. He wasn't involved in either murder. Jimin was with Minhyuk till 10.15 pm on 15th December - his car's dash cam confirms that he dropped Jimin off at Sunset bar around that time."

"Fantastic! And what about the CCTV footage at Sunset? Does it confirm Jimin's story? He said he was there till 2 am."

"Hang on, I'm opening the report. Th-" she stopped abruptly, frowning at the screen.

"What?" asked Jeon, looking over her shoulder to read the email.

"CCTV footage does not place Jimin at Sunset from 10.15 pm till closing time at 2 in the morning. He doesn't have an alibi for Eunwoo's murder."

She turned to look at him, an odd sense of foreboding hitting her as she realized that they would have to charge Jimin for murder by the next evening. He held her gaze, his dark eyes reflecting a similar shadow of doubt.

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#bts fic #jungkook fic #jungkook x oc #jungkook fluff #taehyung #seokjin #namjoon #yoongi #hoseok #bts fluff #bts bookclub #btswritingcafe #bangtanhq #magicshopnet

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