it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.
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hi. hey. it's been a hot second since my last meta post but ohhhh did i realize something while making my edits. ready? i wasn't. there's gonna be a number of screencaps so let's go
i think everyone *noticed* while watching but didn't really mentally elaborate on it because i at least was already too busy sobbing. now, during the entire confession scene, crowley is attempting to make eye contact while aziraphale does his best to avoid it.
wanna take a guess when that changes? the second he steps closer and says nothing lasts forever. suddenly crowley is the one looking away, he can no longer stand to look into his eyes because his heart just got broken into a million little pieces and he loves zira so fucking much.
aziraphale is staring straight ahead and crowley looks past him, looks out the window, up, everywhere but at him. he ends up looking down and at the glasses in his hands and guess what.
aziraphale? aziraphale FOLLOWS his eyes. FOLLOWS. look at how he moves his head to keep meeting crowley's gaze. the head tilt.
i quite literally could not decide which screencaps to use so have all of them.
what really gets me though, and this might just be me being a little bit insane and very gay, but i swear aziraphale glances at his lips. it is literally one frame but it is THERE. look!!
his eyes flick DOWN. just for a second but they move from crowley's eyes, where they have been for the last half a minute, to his mouth. and when crowley says good luck and walks past him? he STILL follows him. turns his entire head and body with him even while he is trying to catch up with what crowley is really saying.
alex, you may ask, why does this matter? because it is the other way around now, they switch roles, because crowley kept eye contact during his confession and this is aziraphale's confession.
this is HIM saying run away with me, let's go off together, let's be an us in heaven. he tries to soak up literally every single heartbeat of being able to look into crowley's eyes without any barrier between them. this is him trying. he literally moves with him just to keep looking at his pretty yellow eyes, the eyes he has come to get to know so so well over the last few years. the eyes that have been uncovered, his face bare, presumably every single time crowley was in the bookshop.
crowley hears "nothing lasts forever" and takes it as rejection.
aziraphale says "nothing lasts forever" and looks at the one thing, the one person, that IS forever to him - crowley. he cannot say the words and lets his eyes speak for him yet crowley has already closed himself off.
(side note: call me delusional which i am clinically psychotic and all but if crowley had not put on his glasses? had stayed just a bit longer? said the nightingale bit right then and there? fuck me, but i think aziraphale would have kissed him first)
aziraphale loves humanity, loves the world, but crowley is HIS world, he sees all of his creations, all his nebulas and stars, in his eyes and tries to find the joy in them that he once saw before the beginning of time.
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