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blairrwaldorfs · 2 months

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Meet Me Behind The Mall

Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader

Summary: August by Taylor Swift (Joseph Quinn's Version)

Author's Note: This was one of my fave one shots to write even if it hurts. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: 18+, smutty-ish

Wordcount: 1.9K

He was never yours.

Never was. Never had been.

You knew that too. You knew that whatever that was between you two was temporary. He never had to say anything about it because you knew. You felt it. So, how come that searing sharp pain in your chest wouldn’t go away? How come you were laying on your bed, hugging your pillow that was soaked with your tears? How come seeing that picture of him all over the internet with her was giving you the most heartache?

You knew it.

You knew that he always loved her but how come you still hoped?

“Hey!” You called out, parking the car next to the sidewalk.

That was back in Spring. You saw him that one rainy day in California. You and Joe had been friends for a while. You two met through mutual friends, and you always thought he was someone that you were interested in. However, Joe was always busy. He was in town for a few months due to filming, so you never really tried to do anything about your feelings. So, when you found him walking down the sidewalk, soaked from the rain that was falling from the sky, you couldn’t help but stop and called his attention.

“Do you need a ride?” You asked.

“No, I’m alright.” Joe answered, his expression was melancholy.

You knew there was something wrong. You knew what it was, but you didn’t ask.

You reached towards the passenger door and pushed it open. “Get in.”

Joe stood there frozen for a moment, hesitating towards your offer.

“Joe, c’mon. Get in the car.” You stated. “You’re going to get sick from the rain.”

That was the decision you probably regretted because Joe did enter your car and at that time, you were happy about it. Looking back on it, you weren’t so sure anymore. Joe was soaked and wet from the rain and didn’t say one word all the way back to your apartment. You didn’t want to ask what happened because you heard about it from your friends, so you just kept your mouth shut. You just wanted to help him and you did. When you both arrived at your apartment, you handed him a dry towel, and you could tell he was already starting to feel sick.

You liked Joe.

You have for a long time now, and he needed you at this moment, so you gave in. You took care of him. You made him some soup, gave him some dry clothes and helped him onto your sofa, laying a blanket over him as he shivered from the cold.

“Here. This will help.” You told him, sitting at the edge of the sofa and handing him the hot soup.

“I’m fine, really.” He argued, looking away.

“Joe.” You stared at him for a moment. “You’re sick.”

All he gave you was a scoff before he turned to look at you and stared at the spoonful of soup that you were holding in front of him. His eyes lingered to you for a moment, making your knees feel weak from those chocolate button eyes that were staring right at you. Then, he went ahead and took the spoonful in his mouth. He didn’t say one word for the rest of the night as you fed him the soup and gave him some medicine for the slight fever that he was having. The rest of the night was quiet in your apartment. It was just you cleaning up in your kitchen and the quiet snore that was coming from Joe.

You knew that he was never yours.

You knew it, but you still tried to hope that it was going to somehow change. For some reason, that was enough for you.

So when morning came, you went to check on Joe on your sofa, and he was already awake.

“Good morning.” You murmured. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Thank you.” He replied with a small sad smile.

You made your way to the kitchen, and you could feel his eyes on you. Every move that you made, he sat there and watched you. You wondered what was going inside his mind, but you didn’t have time to really process everything as you felt his presence suddenly in the kitchen with you.

“Thank you for last night.” Joe said.

He stood next to you as you tried to focus your attention on the food that you were preparing.

“You didn’t have to do that, but you did. So, thank you.” Joe added.

You exhaled a sharp breath and turned to face him only to find him standing so close to you. He was so close that it made you hitch your breath. His chocolate button eyes were just staring at you. You froze. You didn’t know what to do because you could see the want in his eyes.

“Joe…” You whispered, his hand slowly cupping your face.

Your eyes were staring into his, and you wanted to scream. You wanted to just close that gap between the both of you. You knew this was wrong. You knew what you were doing, but you did anyway. You didn’t hesitate as you grabbed his face with your hands and kissed him.

He wanted it too.

That’s what you told yourself because he did. He didn’t hesitate to kiss you back. He didn’t hesitate to grab you by your hips and set you on your kitchen counter, both of your lips moving together. His hand suddenly found the hem of your shirt as he slid it off your body as you did the same with his. Both of your grabby hands were all over each other, and his hot kisses were lingering all over your skin as he took you in his arms and walked you back in your bedroom.

He was never yours but just for today, he was.

“Joe.” You whispered, pulling away from the kiss breathlessly. “Are you sure?”

“Are you sure?” He asked.

You swallowed every guilt feeling you had and nodded your head before his lips found yours again. You gasped as you felt his lips trailed down your neck, between your breasts and down your stomach, making your body tremble. He was intense, and he was also gentle as he slipped himself inside of you, both of you gasping softly and letting out soft moans as your bodies moved together.

You wanted all of him. All the time.

But you knew. You knew that wasn’t going to be possible, so you enjoyed every minute that you were with him. You enjoyed every minute that summer. Since that night, he has spent most nights with you. Legs twisted in your bedsheets, his soft kisses on your skin, and the laughter that slipped out of both of you in small conversations. The way his fingers would intertwine with yours. The way he took you to the beach almost every weekend, and the both of you soaking up the salt air and the summer sun. You wanted to write your name on his skin. You wanted him to be yours forever, but you knew it wasn’t possible.

“I’m going back home in September.” Those words slipped out of his lips one day.

He had asked you to meet him behind the mall after your shift from your office. You had plans to meet up with your friends, but you canceled them as soon as he messaged you. The set he was filming was close to it, and he had texted you that he wanted to see you. So, you gave in. You always had because as time passed, those feelings for Joe weren't just ordinary anymore. You were in love with him, and you hated yourself for it, but he told you that he wanted this too. That whatever he had with her was over.

“Oh.” That was all you could manage. “You’d call when you arrive there?”

“Of course.” Joe smiled, leaning in to kiss you softly.

You believed it too.

You believed every word he said. You believed that all of this was real between the two of you. That this could be something different. So, when August came, you wanted to make sure you spent every minute with him before he went back to London. Though, you could slowly feel him slip away from your fingers. You didn’t admit it to yourself because he had told you that this was something he wanted, remember? So, you blamed his long hours of filming.

He was just tired. You told yourself.

When he had spent a couple of hours on his phone when he arrived at your place, you told yourself that he was just talking to his manager. Work stuff. When he had started telling you that he couldn’t come over, you told yourself that he was preparing to leave and the thought of him being across the ocean from you was giving a sharp pain in your chest. You felt him slip away slowly, and you heard talks, but you ignored it. You ignored it when the both of you had decided that you didn’t have to drop him off at the airport just in case someone would see the both of you. So, he said goodbye to you at your place, and you wanted to tell him so much that you wanted him to stay, but you didn’t. You let him go.

Upon arriving in London, he had called you. He called you for about a week and then he started fading away. You would only hear from him through texts, and he had stopped calling completely. Then, one afternoon, you just arrived back at your apartment when he had given you a call.

You felt that ring differently in your stomach. You had it in your gut feeling.

“Hey!” You answered, trying to make your voice as cheerful as possible.

Joe played around the subject for a while. Apologized that he hadn't called because he had been busy, but you weren’t stupid. You had heard about it from your friends. You knew in the beginning that this was temporary, but you had hoped. You had hoped for it all that this was going to change, but you should have known that it didn’t.

“I think being far away from each other is just making this hard.” Joe had explained.

It was complete bullshit.

You knew the real reason for it.

“Did… Did you even love me?” You asked, your voice stuttering.

“What we had this summer was amazing, but that was just it. It was just this summer.”

His words made you feel like someone had stabbed you a thousand times in your heart, and you couldn’t breathe anymore. You just wanted this pain to go away because you he wasn’t yours, remember? You had told yourself that over and over again, but you were still stupid enough to fall for someone who didn’t feel the same way as you. You were stupid enough to think that Joe could love you.

That was two weeks ago. He had broken this thing between you two a couple weeks ago and a couple weeks later, the internet had spiraled over the new photos that were all over the different articles of different gossip websites. He was back with her in London, walking down the street, both with smiles on their faces, and you had thrown up about three times that morning. You wanted to just take away this sharp pain in your chest. You wanted these feelings to go away because he wasn’t yours. You thought wanting him was enough, but it turned out to be just hell.

He was never yours in the first place, so why did you feel this way?

He was never yours to lose.

The End.

Taglist:

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#Joseph Quinn #Joe Quinn #Joseph Quinn x Reader #Joe Quinn x Reader #Joseph Quinn x You #Joe Quinn x You #Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader #Joe Quinn x Fem!Reader #Joseph Quinn Fanfics #Joe Quinn Fanfics #Joseph Quinn rpf #Joe Quinn rpf #meet me behind the mall #one shot #blairrwaldorfs

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dxrlinggxd · 2 years

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analysing the lyrics to 'august' by taylor swift

this is gonna be a long post but i put a lot of effort into it so i hope you like it <3

before i begin, let me explain the folklore love triangle to the unaware. taylor swift's 8th album, folklore, has a love triangle, with all 3 characters getting a song from their povs. the basic story is this: betty and james are together, james sees betty dance with another guy at a school dance (and to add to it, he has social anxiety). he's upset, and while he's leaving, he runs into augustine. he and augustine have a summer fling, but betty finds out and is mad at him. james then breaks things off with augustine and tries to win betty back. the ending is left up to the audience's interpretation.

[note: taylor has used he/him pronouns for james & she/her pronouns for both betty and augustine, so those are what i will be using in this analysis.]

betty's song is 'cardigan', james' song is 'betty' & augustine's song is 'august'.

i'm going to be doing a deep dive into the lyrics of august, happy reading <3

salt air and the rust on your door, i never needed anything more

the opening line sets the scene. they're near the sea, at a beach, possibly staying in a cabin, a typical setting for a summer romance. augustine says 'your door', not 'the door'. already, he (james) is the one with the upper hand. it's his door, his cabin, his terms, but that's all she's ever needed. she's going along with whatever he wants because she'd do anything & put up with anything if it means being able to be with him.

whispers of "are you sure? never have i ever before"

whispers. this is augustine recollecting what happens, and even when she's reminiscing, they're whispering. the moment is in private. it's precious. there is a fond, longing undertone. even after what has happened, she'd still do anything to get that back. the 'never have i ever before' probably means that this is either her or both of their first time having sex. never have i ever is also a popular teen game, so that lays down a light, playful atmosphere. it's a happy memory.

and the whispers themselves: this could either be 1) a conversation between her & james, or 2) one of them saying both sentences. the "are you sure" sounds like asking for consent. they're probably losing their virginities to each other. either way, one thing is clear: uncertainty is a prominent theme in this memory. they don't know what they're doing, but there's a thrill to the unknown, to the riskiness of it all.

"but i can see us lost in the memory, august slipped away into a moment in time, 'cause it was never mine"

to her, this memory exists outside of time. just thinking about it makes her feel everything she did then. however, she also knows that despite how attached she is to it, she has lost the memory to time. she's holding onto whatever she can, but the truth is, it's gone. it was never even hers. the worst part is that even back then, she knew it never belonged to her. she knew she was nothing but a distraction, a lapse in judgement, but she went with it anyway, because she took whatever she could get. she'd rather be a distraction than be nothing.

"and i can see us twisted in bedsheets, august sipped away like a bottle of wine, 'cause you were never mine"

again, adding to the "never have i ever before" part- they slept together. losing one's virginity is a major experience, and that, coupled with the fact that the experience was with james, makes this something she remembers every single detail of.

when teens drink alcohol, it's rarely wine. it's usually beer, or vodka, but never wine. the usage of wine shows how they were trying to be adults, pretending that they were making a mature decision by being together when really, they weren't.

it was sipped away like a bottle of wine. slowly, they got drunk on august. they took sips, and went about it slowly, day by day, until there was nothing left and they had to face reality. if we're taking it literally, they probably spent the entire summer drinking and hooking up.

and finally, "'cause you were never mine." the first part of the chorus ends with "'cause it (august) was never mine", as if blaming the month, the season, and/or time itself. she was blaming fate. here, though, she switches. it's as if, while reminiscing, she has come to terms with the fact that the problem here wasn't with august, it was with them. with him. it wasn't august that was never hers, it was james.

the difference between 'slipped away' and 'sipped away' is stark. one says that it was fleeting and happened quickly & the other says they took their time with it and enjoyed it. the tone of the memory changes with the emotion that augustine reminisces them with. we must remember that both james & augustine (who narrate what happened) are unreliable narrators.

another interesting detail is this: in the previous line, she says "lost in the memory", which is very vague. she isn't delving into the details, just brushing it off, saying "oh, yeah, it was a nice time i guess, but it's in the past now". she follows that up with "it was never mine". in the second line, however, she gets specific, like she's actually thinking over what happened. "twisted in bedsheets" is a specific memory. and when she really lets herself think about what happened, she needs to accept that HE, not it, was never hers.

"your back beneath the sun, wishing i could write my name on it"

again, visual imagery. the picture being painted here appears to be after james and augustine sleep together. augustine must've woken up before him because she's looking at how his back looks in the sun. she wishes she could do something as public as writing her name on it. it's a metaphor for not wanting to have to be a secret, but she knew, even while drowsy and possibly hungover (remember the mention of wine), that it could never be.

also interesting is that "your back" could also be her saying "you're back". it doesn't make sense in the complete context of the line, but thinking of it as an exclamation, a secret exhale hidden within the lyrics is heartbreaking.

"will you call when you're back at school? i remember thinking i had you"

she's either older than him (which would be weird and illegal because james is 17), goes to a different school, or they never interact at school. for the sake of analysis, i'm going to assume it's the 3rd one, but it's open to interpretation.

which means they weren't friends at school. they did not hang out in the same groups. she doesn't even expect him to acknowledge her in public, all she wants to know is if he might call her. in private. she hates being a secret, but she's begging him to let her be one because all the bare minimum is enough to get her by.

the second line is sadder when you remember that just before this, she was wishing she could write her name on his back, but knowing that she couldn't. she KNEW, the whole time, that this was just a fling for him, but deep down she a part of her still thought he truly cared for her, that she was as important to him as he was to her.

(but i can see us...you were never mine)

"back when we were still changing for the better, wanting was enough, for me, it was enough"

the first part here is a throwback to when they were younger and 'innocent'. when they'd make a mistake, it wouldn't be the end of the world, they'd just learn. that was before her august with james, because that became something she couldn't come back from. if you've heard 'betty', you know that inez, betty's friend, finds out about their fling and tells betty (and possibly more people). seeing as augustine was never a part of their group in the first place, she will likely be always remembered as the girl james cheated on betty with and nothing more than that. this is something that's going to deeply, deeply affect her, both socially and mentally.

but back then, before she'd asked him to get in her car, before the affair, before heartbreak, she'd just been a girl wanting him, and at the time that was enough for her- but it no longer is. now that she knows what it's like to have had him, she doesn't want to go back to merely liking him from a distance.

something else worth noting here is the phrasing of the line. it's as if she's pleading "what you gave me was enough for me, i promise, i don't need anything else, just please come back." or: "i was happy just liking you from the sidelines, but then you turned up and ruined my life", which would have an angry undertone. the beauty of this is that she gives no elaboration, it's just you and your imagination. interpret it how you like.

there's some more wordplay here: when she says wanting, it sounds like she's saying one thing. as in, "one thing was enough." because that's all she needed- him.

"for me, it was enough to live for the hope of it all, cancel plans just in case you'd call and say meet me behind the mall"

the "for me it was enough" makes sense as a sentence both with the line before it and the one after it. the sentiment is the same: she was happy with the arrangement. there are contrasting themes here because she's in a messy situation. she's aware she deserves better. she knows she shouldn't be settling for the bare minimum. but now that she's lost what they had, she misses it and wants it back. she doesn't need anything more than what he's ever given her. even at the time of the fling, she prioritised him so much that she'd even cancel plans in case he decided to call her (again, him being the one to call re-emphasises the fact that he's the one with the upper hand here).

"meet me behind the mall" is, taylor swift herself said, the core of the song. it highlights how secretive they were. they could always lie, say they were going to a mall to hang out with their friends or to shop, and then secretly hook up behind it. it's also interesting when you parallel it to the fact that they were also hooking up along the beach, which is a completely different setting. this implies that this affair lasted for a while. there's alliteration used here, too.

wordplay, again: meet me behind the mall also sounds like "meet me behind them all", which, again, goes to prove how staying a secret was the most important part of their relationship.

"so much for summer love and saying us, 'cause you weren't mine to lose"

a heartbreaking contrast to augustine calling what they had "summer love" is james telling betty (in the song 'betty') that what they had was "just a summer thing". and with the second part of this line, again, we're running in circles. she thinks she deserves better, she wants him back, she's being positive about it and then she isn't. but as we're nearing the end of the song, after going through the myriad of emotions and thoughts she had in the aftermath of the affair, she seems to be coming to terms with a single fact: he was never truly hers in the first place.

(chorus x2)

some wordplay: over here, the words "never mine" repeat. it almost sounds as if she's saying "never mind". as in, forget everything i've said, it's okay, i'm okay.

"remember when i pulled up and said get in the car, and then cancelled my plans just in case you'd call, back when i was living for the hope of it all (for the hope of it all), meet me behind the mall" (x3)

we think the song is over after the bridge and third chorus, but she comes swinging again. the fact that she sings this part thrice shows just how massive an impact all this has had on her. if we take the "never mind" into consideration, this hurts more because she thought she was over it, but she isn't.

she isn't ever going to forget what happened. even though she's come to terms with what has happened, she still can't stop thinking about all of it. she's still hung up, because memories don't let one off that easily.

from 'betty' we know that the fling began after augustine asked james to get into her car. we've only been getting snippets of their time together throughout the song, but now, she's replaying the entire affair, right from the beginning. the line that is sung with the most emphasis is "meet me behind the mall" because this line is what perfectly captures their relationship: lying to everyone about going to a mall and then meeting each other, the promises that he made to her about being with her only for him to ditch her the moment august ended, everything she gave up (like the plans she cancelled) just to be able to spend some time with him, and the fact that all of this was on HIS terms. he was asking her to meet him behind the mall, and now she's the one left reminding herself of all the promises he didn't keep.

before i end the analysis, i wanted to address one more thing: her name. both betty and james are named in the lyrics, but augustine isn't. we only started calling her that after taylor swift said that in her head she calls her either augusta or augustine, meaning that until then, we were all calling her 'the august girl' or 'the other girl'. the thing is, that is how probably everyone in the story thought of her as well. (earlier in the analysis, under the "back when we were still changing for the better" part, i talked a bit about this.)

taylor herself talks about this in 'folklore: the long pond studio sessions', where she says that the 'other woman' is always thought of as a bad person, with augustine, she really, genuinely liked james, trying to act cool in front of him (pulling up and being the one to ask him to get into her car, for example). augustine was intentionally left unnamed, because her story is the one that's always left out.

that's the end of the analysis. thank you so much for reading till the end. please let me know if there's anything i left out, i'll add it and credit you.

and to everyone out there who's had their heart broken, regardless of which side of the story you were on, i'm sorry. we all deserve people who acknowledge our existence, at the very least. we deserve to be remembered, to be talked about, to have our emails replied to. we deserve better than the bare minimum, but the sad part is, we don't necessarily even get the bare minimum in the first place. we're all breaking each other's hearts and sobbing into our pillows about it and breaking each other's hearts all over again. i don't know if love is real, or if at some point the cycle stops, but i do know this: spotify is free. as is youtube. and amazon music. and soundcloud. go plug those earphones in and knock yourself out.

@taylorswift @taylornation

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