TW : vent
Why is everyone distancing themselves away from me?
Yes I can be loud and energetic, yes I can be rude and then completely the opposite, yes I can be chill and lazy.
I've been through so many personality changes just for people to like me enough to talk to me, but now I feel like I can't control these.
I'm sorry to anyone I've been rude to
I'm sorry to anyone I've been distant with
I'm sorry to anyone that saw me go through these changes
I'm going through a rough time in life and I'm just trying to figure out myself, I'm taking a little mental break for a little while. I promise I'm okay.
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Hey guys I have a little announcement.
Im probably not gonna be active for a little while. Mostly because I have not been feeling well at all. Im not sick just mentally drained from things like school as well as other matters, and I’m not excited for thanksgiving break to end. So before I go for (hopefully) not to long. I wanted to leave some things that i drew. Not much but it’s something.
Some eye practice
A little strawberry snail (sorry for bad quality)
This body base i really like
And finally some digital art! A little drawing of a oc of mine. Still yet to render it.
Thats about it. I wont be gone long :)
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December 2022
I am rooted in an endless winter,
Where my leaves are brown
And the air is hot,
And nothing makes sense anymore.
.
I hold December in my arms and mourn.
December, you used to be my everything.
You were my hopes, my dreams, my joy.
Somewhere along the line,
Foggy breath became replaced with beads of sweat,
And I forgot the rhyme you speak to make a wish on a star.
.
One step.
At the shore of a great, dark ocean,
A million hands beckoning you to drown.
A song in a language you have never heard,
A melody that makes your blood start to ache.
There's a knocking on the window,
And you are suddenly in the living room,
Looking down at your phone
And seeing the inevitable.
.
Two steps.
A realization, the final tarnishing of a legacy,
Learning that you were born with broken glass in your blood.
What is a man to do
When he is born as paper in a sea of flame?
.
Three steps.
She asked you for help and now she's dead.
You never got to say goodbye, and you will see her in every corner and every shadow,
And you will live with the knowledge that you never learned why she hurt you,
The knowledge that despite it all, you loved her.
.
Four steps.
You cough blood up from your lungs,
The joints in your fingers swell and stiffen,
And the nerves in your back are set aflame.
You do not walk for nearly three weeks.
There is a part of you that is scared you will never walk again,
Or at least, that is what you will become.
.
Five steps.
You realize, at the end of the day,
It is you and your wife against a world
That would laugh if you died.
You are a joke and a freak,
And you will never be what you are.
.
Six steps.
You stand in front of the mirror, knife to your throat, then to your wrist,
Shaking as you try to come to terms with how much it would hurt.
You take a breath and put it down.
.
Seven steps.
You can't fall asleep,
You have work in the morning,
And you feel something undefinable, inconsolable, shifting behind your eyes.
Reality is shimmering,
A black oil spill shining rainbow,
Not as a promise, but a threat.
.
Eight steps.
Your brothers and sisters are being killed en masse,
All you want is for someone to do something,
To simply See what is happening,
And still you haven't seen your mother in over a year.
And when someone knows,
It is rare they look you in the eyes.
.
Nine steps.
You can't walk anymore.
You fall to the ground.
.
Endless winter,
One day hot, one day cold,
But I am melting all the same.
I fear I am on the cusp of shattering,
Because what is there left to do when you find the truth,
But that truth is fragile and butter-soft,
The world made of many knives?
.
I let December slip through my fingers,
And wonder if I will ever heal from this horrible month.
I wasn't ready.
.
I spit out the chicken heart,
Tears in my eyes,
Coming to terms with the fact that I am not as cruel as I thought.
.
Ten steps.
After all,
I got back up.
I at least have to try.
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