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#mental breakdown

Recently I’ve been advocating for myself to officially go to the doctor to check up on my brain, I think there’s a chemical inbalance. The idea of going on antidepressants scare me tho. I’ve never known anything but sadness, I don’t understand what it’s like to not be sad, what do they do, what if I’m not me anymore. I might not even go on anti depressants but like, what if I do, there’s a high enough chance I might. I clearly have undiagnosed ptsd and I re-traumatize myself everyday by still seeing my abuser and what about the side effects. The idea of recovery and getting not just a therapist but something that can actually alter me is scary. I want to be okay, but doing this is so so scary. What if they don’t work, how will I know when they’re working, what if everything about me changes. Is my brain just trying to make me seek out sadness because that’s what it sees as normal?

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Einer dieser schlaflosen Nächte, in denen ich einfach nur raus und stundenlang durch den Regen laufen möchte. Mein Kopf ist voller Gedanken und Fragen. Ich hab heute meine erste Therapiestunde und habe ehrlich gesagt Angst vor den Sachen, die mir gesagt werden und wahrscheinlich auch verschrieben werden. Aber gleichzeitig hoffe ich auch, dass sich endlich mal alles zum guten wendet. Seit 2 Jahren quäle ich mich nun mit all dem herum und ja, es ist für einige nicht lange - aber die ganzen Erlebnisse, die ich davor machen musste, werden mich auch mein ganzes Leben lang verfolgen. Mobbing seit der Grundschule, was ich erst im Nachhinein richtig realisiert habe, mein Selbstbewusstsein war quasi bis zum Ende meiner Schulzeit nicht mal ansatzweise da. Ja, ich leide jetzt nicht mehr unter Mobbing und mir ist die Meinung anderer relativ egal, aber die Narben bleiben. Ich werde die Narben für immer in meinem Kopf tragen. Ich hoffe so sehr, dass die Therapie etwas bringt - nach 2 Jahren Selbstbehandlung- und zerstörung.

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Eu estou bem perdida com o que ta rolando na minha cabeça então eu escrevo e ajuda muito! Então decidi compartilhar esse texto, quem sabe encoraje alguém…

Até onde o nosso cérebro pode nos levar?

O ser humano é capaz de se auto sabotar, dentro do seu cérebro pode viver um monstro, desconhecido, que te manipula e por mais que você tente ignorar ele, ainda sim vai estar lá te dizendo o que você deve ou não fazer… É uma rotina um tanto quanto cansativa e quando o tempo vai passando você começa a ficar exausto de conviver com aquilo sozinho, então você decide falar em voz alta o que te aflinge para alguém, um lado seu se sente aliviado, agradecido e orgulhoso, mas o outro fica furioso porque você compartilhou o segredo que o matinha vivo, alimentado.

O tempo passa e o medo toma conta, porque você não quer perder o controle, você não atingiu seu objetivo, então como você cavou sua própria cova é você quem vai ter que tomar o controle, se restringido cada vez mais, indo dormir cada vez mais dias com o estômago doendo, sentindo os efeitos colaterais da “beleza”, afinal ela dói, dói muito! Você quer ver seus ossos, você quer se colocar no limite extremo, isso faz com que o monstro dentro da sua cabeça dance, dance por você estar alimentando ele, ah que felicidade! Nós vamos chegar no nosso objetivo! Apenas continue…

Você espera que algum dia você não precise de comida para sobreviver, somente os bons e velhos companheiros, água, chá e café. Ora mas que ilusão, o ser humano precisa de comida para viver e você sabe disso mas o monstro dentro da sua cabeça grita mais alto tomando conta do seu estado racional, e então você está aprisonado no seu próprio corpo, como uma gaiola. Fome, frio, cansaço, sono, irritabilidade, dores no estômago ou na cabeça, fraqueza, cabelos e unhas fracos, medições diárias no espelho, olheiras, palidez… São coisas que já fazem parte da sua rotina, mas ai você pensa será? Será que tudo isso vale a pena? A beleza dói? Você sabe as repostas, não a do monstro, mas a sua, só que você descobriu tarde e agora você não sabe como não ver a comida como inimiga, como parar de medir seu corpo, se comparar, de não se culpar, de tudo o que se tornou normal no seu dia a dia. O monstro acabaou virando amigo, seu companheiro, então você sente muito medo de tudo, vai ser complicado, doloroso, mas você precisa ter força para encarar e você vai conseguir! Não importa o quanto vai demorar mas sim o seu processo, se respeite, respeite seu tempo por mais difícil que seja ❤

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I got a question. I used to be so happy in my childhood. Why is it now that I can’t even smile naturallly like I used to? Why can’t I feel happy anymore? I always feel like no one is listening to me, like anytime I want to tell someone something, they don’t even acknowledge me and I try to get there attention until I notice they just…don’t care…any time someone asks if I’m okay I just say “ya, just tired” but it’s not that I’m tired from lack of sleep…it’s that I’m tired of everything else. I’m tired of feeling like a disappointment, like a mistake, like I don’t belong in this world. It’s all I’ve known in life so it’s just normal for me…I just want to know I’m not alone. That I’m not the only one out there feeling like I just need to make everyone happy by just disappearing off the face of the earth. My mom said she gonna get me a psychiatrist to see if I’m autistic but I’m not holding my breath on it. What does it matter about what I am? What mental illness I have? It doesn’t matter anyway. No one will care. Everyone will hear me say it then go, “oh…I guess that explains a few things. Good for you.” And that’s basically saying, “yah we don’t give a fuck, we don’t care what you are we just want to live our lives with out you messing it up for once.” So ya. I don’t care if anyone see this or if anymore comments or reposts. I don’t care anymore. I’ll just keep crying in my room when no ones looking and keep going until I can’t take anymore pain. Till there’s no one else I’m living for. Cause that’s all I’m living for, is to make everyone else happy. Cause I gave up on being happy a long time ago when a kid in my class told me to tie cinder blocks to my ankles and jump into a river. So thanks for listening and you can forget about me if you want to. You don’t even have to answer the question I asked. Just scroll by and keep living your life. I’ll just be here wallowing in my self pitty and being petty and a baby. Just wanted to cry about my life like I always do and I don’t even care if anyone listens anymore. I’m done trying to be heard. I’m done with everyone and one day, I hope to fall asleep and never wake up. Just so then I don’t suffer anymore. Cause as far as I’m concerned…life is pointless and meaning less and we’re just here to be in pain. I can rarely remember any good times anymore so whatever. Thanks for reading and I’ll be here sleeping and just…ruining ppls lives for the rest of MY life.

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Just remembered when I tried to hide that I got a speeding ticket and I almost got away with it but the notification letter was sent to my home address and my parents opened it thinking it was for them and when I came home to visit my dad approached me and kindly told that I could have told them and they would have helped me pay it and then his dawning horror as I proceeded to have a mental breakdown because I wanted to handle it myself and was also embarrassed.

They stopped being so hard on me for a good bit after that.

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Don’t you hate it when you’re living what you know is going to be one of your happiest memories but then you say or do something slightly wrong and sigh because you know that your anxiety is going to fixate on that one second and eventually all you’re going to remember of that day is what what a piece of shit you are. Because I really hate that. 

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1 hal yang membentuk yang mengganggu didalam pikiranku hingga saat ini, hal yng membuatkau merasa tidak bebas dan membentuk diriku yang sekarang

Terlalu tertutup dan tidak percaya dengan orang lain, bahkan dengan keluargaku sendiri.

Hal paling menyakitkan yg kurasakan hingga saat ini.

“Anak pembawa sial” 1 kalimat yang tidak mungkin di ucapkan oleh seseorang yang mungkin dianggap semua orang adalah orang paling dekat dan paling di sayangi.

“IBU”

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I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE, MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODEEE!!! FUCK YOU ALL, I CAN’T WAIT TO MOVE OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND OUT OF THIS TOWN!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU! ALL YOU DO IS BRING ME MORE PAIN EVERYDAY, I DON’T NEED THAT! I’M ALREADY HURTING ENOUGH ON MY OWN!!

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