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#mental health


It’s been a long time since my last post! So much has happened in the mean time and at the same time nothing has happened because there was just nothing to do due to the corona virus.

I’ll update later, just wanted to post some stuff. This morning I was 49kg exactly. I’ve been on 53 again some time ago but I really can not handle a higher weight! So last month I did everything to lose weight again and I feel better now… and insanely hungry but whatever. I need to reach 45!


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Waking up happy with the dogs. Spending a day enjoying this new slower life with my wife. Thoroughly enjoying our new normal.

Swimming and playing in the pool







Laying in bed together

A wonderful day together with all our animals

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Just in case anyone else needs to hear it:

No, you don’t annoy them. They are your friends for a reason, and the reason is they like you. It’s really hard to annoy a friend.

Don’t isolate yourself because you are scared of being annoying or needy, ESPECIALLY not in these times. Your needs for connection are valid, they are okay, you are not being annoying. Reach out, no matter how.

It is never too late to come back to a message. They are not angry with you for not answering, most likely they are actually worried about you. Tell them what’s up.

You got this. You don’t have to be alone.

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“This card represents energetic life cycles, and its purpose is to help you identify the particular cyclic energy moving into or out of your experience. In its upright position, it heralds a yin cycle, where most of the action seems to happening under the surface of things.

This is a time of great receptivity, intuition and gestation. External circumstances may be forcing you to go within and examine present activity. It’s an especially good time for completion, so wrap things up. g

Yin cycles often call you to be passive, yielding, and reflective, so open up to these sides of your nature. *Being* more than *acting* is the intention here.”

~ Sandra Anne Taylor - Energy Oracle Cards

To this I add:  

22 is the number of precision, balance, and harmonious purpose. 

The word “duality” has been very present for me lately, popping up in all different places on a daily basis; both the word and the concept. I even made note of it in my diary a few days ago as one of the repeating signs I’ve been receiving. It’s certainly something I’ve been dealing with on a personal level for some time, as I move through the difficult process of healing what has been the collected deep trauma of my 3-D existence - and not just my own, but also working through past life karma and ancestral trauma which is stored in our DNA. To heal that pain in my body, mind and spirit and move back into the light to an all new ascended plane has been a hell of a ride and it’s not over yet - but of all the lessons I have integrated into my being, the necessity of not only facing my own darkness, but accepting, understanding and learning to transmute the dark into light has been the greatest spiritual lesson of all.  

This, I believe, is the primary lesson and mission for all Lightworkers. Heal yourself to heal humanity. Dark to Light. Fear to Love. Shift the balance. Spread the word.

So what does it mean in terms of yin/yang?  With recent lockdowns, income losses, restrictions of freedoms previously taken for granted, and other collective trauma the 3-D world feels very much out of balance right now. A seemingly endless stream of “conspiracy theories” abound that may or may not have truth to them - to what degree, who really knows? What I do know is the current state of affairs and confusion about what is real is making a lot of people angry and fearful about what is going on in the world “below the surface”. The truth is almost impossible to uncover as we are constantly bombarded with red herrings and disinformation, which only feeds the chaos. Friends are fighting (and losing) friends, political divisions are widening, the system as we know it is breaking down - which is not such a bad thing, but with it comes pain and discord.  

By the same token, many who were not previously in the light, have taken this time out to slow down and are going back to basics. Not feeding on the fear, tuning into their “receptive” nature and going with the flow. The earth is healing without us stomping all over it, and people who were former slaves to the system are realising that previous societal constructs were damaging to us all. It just wasn’t working. There is more need for balance. The fact that so many people have woken up to this need in such a short space of time - and I’m not dismissing for a moment those who have experienced tragic loss and hardship - is nothing short of miraculous - yet obviously all part of the cosmic plan. Seeds are being sown for our ascension, both literally and metaphorically.  

These times can be intense hard to stomach - as is the nature of dark forces, but that there are more people than ever before awakening and shining their light is a sign that as out-of-whack as everything may seem, and as far as the future is unknown, it is all happening to bring the world back into a form of balanced duality. Yin/yang.  

I, for one, am hopeful for the future of humanity and earth as a whole.  Let us restore the balance ♥

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Man those STPD feels where you’re just fucking depressed that you won’t ever live in a world you can feel content in. Not even sure if thats STPD or just depression but I feel since finding out about it i’ve been having mental breakdowns and seeing shadows more often. Sometimes having more auditory hallucinations too. Like banging and footsteps.

Has anyone else found that thinking about it more makes you experience more distortions, other symptoms, etc?

It really scares me even if I know its not real. I’m worried that it’ll turn into schizophrenia one day too.

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Be Kind to Yourself During the Pandemic: 15 min Guided Meditation

Enjoy this 15-minute guided meditation for more self-compassion, kindness and loving awareness. I’m noticing as we ease away from restrictions, people have mixed feelings about living with uncertainty. Some want to exaggerate the safety and pretend as if risk is eliminated, because it’s easier. Others have heightened fears. Meditation practice makes living with uncertainty easier as we grow more comfortable with acknowledging our mixed feelings and anxiety and yet go about the business of life as we need to get things done. May this 15-minute meditation help ease strains and offer you more self-support, kindness and understanding for yourself and for others as we navigate these challenging times. 

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sometimes my thoughts are too intrusive, too loud, i start changing.

sometimes it controls me and all i can do is screaming to stop it.

as if i can really stop myself.

my illusions are quite laughable.

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Mental Rituals are a dramatically understudied area of OCD, and until recently was viewed as ‘resistance’ to treatment

Generally, the pattern is you experience an unpleasant thought, usually taboo or a predition you don’t like, and in order to stop feeling upset and anxious, you perform counter thoughts to either dismiss the thought, or to bring you temporary relief.

This is prime OCD, because your obsession is the awful-ness of the thought, thinking you’re bad for having it, being scared at how it makes you feel, and compulsively, you must do these counter-thoughts to stop it because it’s ‘bad’

It can be hard to recognise this because thoughts are so nebulous. Sometimes you will just have a nasty thought and it feels awful. Sometimes those same thoughts come back again and again and again. And because nobody can ‘see’ the compulsive behavior, it can go unchecked for years.

The only way to combat these mental rituals is, sadly, to just experience the though. This can be terrifying, depending on the thought itself. You could be thinking of sexual assault, of death, of existential dread and other nightmarish things I don’t even want to write down. 

But all they are, are thoughts.

They are not, and have never been, a reflection of your character.

They’re the result of an illness messing with your brain chemicals to sabotage you. They are not you.

Even elements of yourself in these thoughts, are not you. I constantly have thoughts of abandonment and going on a genocidal rampage ending with suicide. It’s valid that I worry abandonment, it’s valid I’m afraid of suicide, it’s even valid I can feel petty and angry over the fake scenario playing in my head. But it’s not me and never will be. I am safe from the mental scenario. I will never experience the thought.
And the thoughts of scenarios that genuinely might happen? Truthfully, are rarely as horrid as you predict they’ll be. They may be awful, but your brain can think things up worse than the world can play out.

Let people know you’re suffering negative thought. You do not need to tell people what the thoughts are, but just that you suffer dark thoughts and they are not intentional. if nothing else, you’ll feel less alone, and it’ll make experiencing those thoughts to prove they’re not going to kill you, just a little easier

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Day 26


So I have had a pretty rough 2 weeks tbh. I’ve been just down spiralling like mad. My friend sent me a few pictures of us from her wedding and honestly, looking at them made me just want to lock myself in my room and never come out. I have just felt so horrible about myself for the last 2 weeks, and lockdown has not been helping!

I finally kind of feel like I’m coming out the other side of it now, which is great, I just need to make sure I keep on the up. I haven’t been doing too badly with my diet the last few days, I’ve been getting into a routine of eating well during the work day. I have been falling off a bit after that, but look it’s better than nothing, right? I also totally just sacked off the squat challenge. It was really starting to hurt my legs, and also I started getting headaches whenever I was squatting, so that’s probably a bad sign hey.

The one thing I have been really good on is drinking water, I’ve really been smashing that the last couple weeks. Which is great, because it has also been really warm in the UK recently!

Now if I could just get on an exercise routine, I’d be way back on track. That’s the tough bit though, I find it so hard now the gyms are closed, because I honestly hate going for walks and stuff. I do like doing the living room workouts, I really need to try and get into the habit of doing them a few times a week.

Even if I don’t, the important thing has to be feeling better, so that’s the goal right now. Even if I achieve that by taking naps and meditating instead of exercising.

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So many teenagers of the past generations used to dream.They’d dream to be rich. Dream to visit space. Dream to become a famous celebrity. And some of them did. They fulfilled their dreams. But now, you ask teens to dream, ask them what they dream of, ask them how they want their life to turn out. And they tell you that they just dream to live. They dream to own a house, and to have a job that can support them without having to overwork every day of every week. They dream to pay back student debt they haven’t got yet. They dream that they might be able to support a child, just enough for the child to be happy. They dream for what the past generations have taken for granted. And to them, they’re just dreams. Unrealistic. And this is the world we live in. No one dares hope for any more. You’ve taken our earth, our education, our health and still, you’ve managed to take more. Who gave you the right to take our dreams as well?

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