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#mental health

On my way home from walking my dog this man was riding his bike towards my direction. As we crossed paths he said “Hey brother, God loves you and your dog.” I cried the rest of the way home. It didn’t have to be God. He could’ve said anyone and I would’ve wept regardless. But maybe it was a sign. You really don’t know how your fellow human is doing sometimes but know that a little gesture or greeting can make all the difference that day. Be kind to one another. ❤️

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Today was amazing. I didn’t expect it to be. I actually thought it would be pretty awful. It’s my childhood best friend’s birthday. She died several years ago. Last year I was curled up in a miserable ball on the floor, but this year I was able to be thankful and let go.

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I don’t want to slice my skin

But it’s the only way out of the place I’m in.

I’m so full of sad that I could burst

And my head keeps saying “You’re the worst.”

As a vandal in my own temple I can’t win.

I know that the desecration is a sin but…

How can I stop? How can I stay?

How can I make it go away?

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 ½ years so he has seen me at my worst. He is moving into an apartment this month and I plan to move in with him the beginning of 2021 hopefully.

I’m worried though. He’s only witnessed a few panic attacks but he has never seen me pull out my hair or hit myself during them. Nor has he witnessed me sit on my shower floor crying because I made an impulsive decision to cut my thighs. He hasn’t seen me talk into a mirror pretending it’s my father and saying all the ways he hurt me.

But I also think about it, maybe it would be good for me. I wouldn’t be living alone. Everything you could possibly need is in walking distance or a 6$ lyft fare. There is a gym and a pool. My psychiatrist is literally a 5 minute drive from his apartment compared to the 30 minute drive from my home. I would be with somebody I love.

I’m going to talk to him about it after I help him settle in. He is amazing.

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heaviness comes from hanging on tightly to emotions that were always meant to be ephemeral. it is not easy to let go, especially when all we know is attachment. we want things to last forever and we turn difficult moments into long-lasting pain simply because we have not learned to let go. we have not learned that the beauty of living comes from the movement of change. letting go does not mean that we forget, and it does not mean that we give up. it just means that we are not letting our present happiness be determined by things that happened in the pastor by things we wish to happen in the future.

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My life carried on like that for a few weeks. The pressure was just building up and up at work, so much was expected of me. I just couldn’t do it. The funfair was going on in town (my apartment was blocked by it. I had to crawl behind a ride to get to my front door) over a period of 3 days. It was the second year that I’d lived in the middle of town while the fair was on, so I knew what sort of thing to expect. Although, this year was different… something was about to happen that I wasn’t ready for. And I believe that it is the event that would change my life, in the worst way possible.

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Just coming to realize how not okay I am.  I constantly feel like I’m at the end of my rope and that I’m about to break.

The friends I would hang out with online have started ignoring me (whether they realize it or not) and the friends I had irl have all moved away.  I can’t even meet someone up at the park and do the whole socially distant friend visiting thing.

I feel like I’ve lost everything.

I am removing myself from several discord servers because I don’t feel welcome anymore.  It’s fine though, most of them probably won’t notice me missing.

I have always put the needs of everyone else first.  I have always tried to lift others up and help them out, even if it’s something I’m uncomfortable with, because that’s what I expect out of friends.  We support each other.

I have been run down to the point where I don’t experience happiness.  I feel in the way, unwanted, and like an imposter.

I’ll draw for the bangs I’m in and for the people I promised to.  But I’m not enjoying anything anymore.

I don’t know when I will enjoy anything again.

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