FUCK YOU SOOO MUCH YOU FUCKING COVID19… I WORK SO HARD ON MY RECOVERING. SO HARD… FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. I KNOW MY LIFE IS AN ALL TIME HURDLE RUN… BELIEVE ME, I KNOW IT… EVERYTIME I MAKE A STEP FORWARD THE NEXT HURDLE IS THERE… I KNOW IT BECAUSE IT’S MY FUCKING LIFE. BUT THIS… THIS IS TOO MUCH… YOU FUCKING CORONA VIRUS. I HATE YOU.. YOU FUCKING VIRUS.
I am dy*ng to go outside, but I’m proud of myself because of how well I’m handling it.
Sure, life was truly a bitch to show up with a pandemic where the most cases and deaths are exactly in my city atm, especially when I was just about to find mental peace.
It’s not like this is going to stop me, this is an extra trial and I’m going to absolutely destroy it.
To everybody outside of Italy, or even Lombardy: stay home, please, this is not some kind of government overreacting, people are suffering at an increasing rate, it’s scary but it’s easy to prevent.
Unless you have no choice, please STAY INSIDE
As told by anyone. It’s almost thst time to refresh those sorrows away.
Mine don’t leave, they only rest as I can release.
i. it’s been so many years, and yet nothing can stop me from dying. I’ve lost count of the “accidental” overdoses on sleeping pills, cutting way too deep and standing on the top of the roof, wanting to die situations. I’m not fifteen now, but has any day ever felt real since then?
ii. sometimes his hand grabs my waist at night, like clawing at me, like a spider crawling all over me. and I wake up screaming and bawling. but it’s only a nightmare now. it’s no longer a part of reality. and I shouldn’t worry people with my nightmares that make no sense at all.(no matter how real they feel)
iii. how do I tell you that when I stand in the balcony, I feel nothing more than emptiness? that I always have this morbid urge to jump. to let go, to just give it up all. that once my mom was so terrified of my sadness, she tried to send me to a creative class to make me feel better. to make me stop hurting myself.
iv. how do I feel real? how do I feel like I deserve to live, when all I do is hurt myself? how do I ask for help, when they tell me to stop crying and get over with it? where do I run now? where does anyone ever go when they want to run from themselves?
v. this is not about a happy ending, although I’ve been told I deserve it, a thousand times and over. this is not about living and laughing. this is about standing in the rain for as long as it takes me to not feel numb anymore. this is about punching brick walls to remind myself that I’m grieving and hurting. this is about waiting for the day to not pop the pills. this is about waiting for the day when I finally stop slashing my wrists. this is about going to bed without crying. this is about sitting with people and them not labelling me “depressed” for once. this is about wanting to live for one goddamn day. this is about wanting to not die.
//so close to dying that I finally can start living//
Just think of the future, think of a new life.
Don’t get lost in the memories, keep your eyes on a new prize.
For all the air that’s in your lungs
For all the joy that is to come
For all the things that you’re alive to feel
Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal
THAT’S ENOUGH TODAYING FOR TODAY.
Sometimes you can’t compromise boundaries or needs.
If your must haves are someone’s absolutely nots
You should definitely re-evaluate your relationship with them not for your own sake but theirs.
Yyou shouldn’t have to sacrifice what you need to make someone happy. And someone shouldn’t sacrifice what they need to make you happy.
Or you do something that makes you uncomfortable to meet another person’s needs and vice versa.
Having boundaries and must haves are healthy, and shouldn’t always be compromised on.
Finally, I am able to talk about it!!
First thing first I got hospitalised here in Italy, so before saying I am making stuff up (I get that a lot here on the internet!) please consider that, and ask me questions in case I need to specify.
In general: Alright, psychiatrist hospitals, surely useful and saved my life, but not a fun place to be in, at all. Bad thoughts were still there, they just monitored me all day every day, filling me up with drugs I did not want to take, but I was too numb and high on said drugs to refuse, high 42/7 in a truly tiring way. They would call you in a room during specific times of the day, and watched you as you took all of your meds, then let you go.
Social life: Doctors and nurses could not care less about you, your true allies and friend were other patient: most of them were fun to hang around with, oversharing every single detail of their life, others would just not talk- with no in-betweens. I of course overshared, there were NO social rules, NO awkwardness, we were all too high and looking for human contact to care about those. I met A LOT of sweet people over there, they all got out before me so I hope they’re alright
Free time: tv was allowed in our section, the remote however wasn’t. There were a lot of puzzles, and I spent a lot of time redoing the one with bunnies on it. There was a little dining room with a good view where I would spend most of my time sharing stories with other patients.
Rules: No shoelaces, no shoes, no pencils, no sharpeners (so no drawing, unfortunately), no lighters (police had to come in to light up your cig), no scarves, no phones. There were 4 “levels”, from 1 to 4: if you were a 1 you couldn’t exit the facility, a 4 however could get out with permission whenever they wanted to. Also, we were all locked in with a code that could be unlocked only using the staff’s ID cards.
- Being so high I couldn’t understand the gravity of the situation
- walking in public in my pjs and comfy slippers
A few surreal events:
- Guy took off his shirt, yelling he was free to do whatever he wanted to
- Two girls getting in a fight because ?
- This one guy who only talked to me saying he got sent to the psychiatrist hospital because his parents put a camera in his bedroom and he did heroin in front of it to show how much he didn’t care
- This doctor who held his hand up as to high five me, and when I did he laughed, saying I was supposed to shake his hand. how was-
- That guy who sometimes slept on the floor until someone picked him up
- walked in the smokers room, saw this guy receiving a blowjob, walked out of the smokers room
A list of what I like (will keep updated) , reblog with your own if you’d like
- my cat Pablo Noah
- South Park
- my budgie Basquiat
- Basquiat (the artist)
- When i’m so hungry i keep eating
- lactose free sweets
- to make oil paintings
- to sculpt
- stray cats that show affection
- to play cards against humanity with my friends
- to play with fire
- horror art
- space facts
- to look for frogs around the creek
- 2D animations
- everything about math
For the past week I’ve been eating “enough” but kind of frantically tallying calories in my head to make sure I’m not eating too much and won’t get fat..
And I know its disordered still but idk what else to do since I’m not getting any professional help or advice til Monday and I feel lost.
I’m proud of myself for yesterday, though. I had a really rough start and a tiny breakfast, but I ate until I was satisfied at lunch (which made me feel like I’d have to eat a smaller dinner) but then at dinner I cooked a bunch of tasty Japanese food with a friend and let myself eat the whole plate she served me because it was tasty and fun to make and I wasn’t full yet.
Every day is completely different. I never know how strong my disordered thoughts are gonna be. But yesterday I surprised myself by being okay with eating what I felt like eating. Progress isn’t linear and yesterday was a little victory.
Guys, I need an advice, please help me
TW! depression, self harm, suicidal
I’m recovering from depression about 6 years, I taking meds. I was kinda ok, but recently I got worst. I start having extreme mood swings. Becouse of it I visited my doctor and had prescribed additional meds, but they didn’t help. Not sure if becouse of them or not but I’m getting worst. I become more depressed, started harming myslef again and have suicide thoughts.
My question is: should I tell my doctor about it? Of course you say “yes”. But my point is: are they going to send me to the hospital becouse of self harm and suicidal thoughts? (I have them of the most part of my life so… It’s nothing new. But now they kinda intensifies). Or they going to prescript me different meds?
I know you say “yeah, you better go to the hospital” but try to understand me, I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay here with my friends and family. I’m not THAT bad I guess. I just wanna be honest with my doctor for better treatment.
I’m just scared that when I’ll say: self harm and suicidal they be like: hospital, no matter what.
What do you think? Do you have you any experience? Please, every advice is important to me!
Thank you all so much for advises! I love you and I hope you’re ok!
Few days ago I went to my doctor and I told them about everything as you recomended. I was as honest as possible. I got new meds. Now I’m TERRIBLE becouse first I need to withdraw my old meds. I’m so scared that new one didn’t help or they’ll have some strong side effects. Upcoming days (weeks?) gonna be really bad.
I GROW PRIVATELY.
IF I COULD SIT IN A CAFE DRINKING COFFEE ALL DAY WHILE COMPLETELY IGNORING SURROUNDINGS, I WOULD.
I have over 100 followers now. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting regularly! I’m just going to point out:
𝐼𝓉'𝓈 𝑜𝓀𝒶𝓎 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝒶𝓌𝒶𝓎 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝒯𝓊𝓂𝒷𝓁𝓇 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓈𝑜𝒸𝒾𝒶𝓁 𝓂𝑒𝒹𝒾𝒶 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓁𝓉𝒽. 𝐼𝓉'𝓈 𝑜𝓀𝒶𝓎 𝓉𝑜 𝓃𝑒𝑒𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝒷𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓁𝓉𝒽. 𝐼𝓉'𝓈 𝑜𝓀𝒶𝓎 𝓉𝑜 𝓃𝑒𝑒𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝒷𝑒 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓅𝑒𝑜𝓅𝓁𝑒 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓁𝓉𝒽. 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓈𝒶𝒻𝑒, 𝒶𝒹𝓂𝒾𝓇𝑒𝒹, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒𝒹.
I apologize for the inactivity for this blog, I’ve been quite busy and I haven’t really had any ideas for what I should post. As you may know, anxiety has been a huge struggle for me. Lately though, I found some games that come from apps that really eased my anxiety which may help others as well:
- Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp: This game is super soothing and relaxing. I love interacting with the animals and the scenery, there are plenty of things you can do to keep yourself busy. Seriously I can play this game all day and night. I would recommend it to anyone who is an animal lover and enjoys simple games.
- Mario Kart Tour - If you played any of the Mario Kart games, you know how frustrating and competitive it can be but there is a sense of relief racing around while hitting others with shells and bombs. I, personally grew up with racing games and Mario Kart was always my top favorite. If you’re into racing games I’d really suggest downloading this app.
- Neko Atsume - How could you not love an app where you collect kitties? On this game, you can collect different amounts of cats while luring them in with food, treats, and toys. I’ve seen a few people mentioned it before but if you are a cat lover I’d say to look into it.
- Spyro the Dragon - I know this isn’t an app but I had to add this to the list. These series of games are truly peaceful, yes they have challenging parts to them but somehow playing as a dragon defeating enemies with his elemental breathes is the most comforting thing to me.
- BitLife - You create your own life and there are plenty of options you can take on your path, it’s really fun and addicting once you get into it. I would really recommend this to anyone who is interested in these types of games.
- Alter Ego - Sadly, this isn’t a free game on the play store but it’s very much like BitLife. I played this years back when it was a free game to play. I’m not too quite sure if they updated the game but as I remember it’s got not as much to do as BitLife but I would suggest it anyways I would spend hours playing and it’s really enjoyable.
This is all I can think of right now, I’ll add more to the list when I think of more. These aren’t guaranteed to help everyone but I’m hoping some will get benefit out of it. Feel free to add if you have a suggestion!
Hey hi, how ya doin?
I wanted to apologize for my negative posts over the past couple days. Today’s been a little better. I’m just not in a good spot mentally and I came here to vent as I usually do, but I did it in a rather uncaring way and unkind way. If I triggered any of my followers I am severely sorry. I hope ur ok ily. But no really. I hope I didn’t hurt anyone. I love you guys.
Hello world, or whoever is reading this. I decided to start this not-so-anonymous blog on tumblr because I have struggled with all sorts of health issues my entire life. It’s no secret, and I don’t want to seem like I am hiding from myself. My main concern now-a-days is my overall life style, my eating habits, my sleeping habits, and my thought habits. The kind of thoughts that just automatically come into my brain and I just automatically think they are true. My communicator between my heart, soul, mind, and body is quite warped when it comes to the question “Am I taking care of myself?” For some reason I never know the answer, because I do believe I love myself, because of the fact I am trying so hard, but I don’t know how. I have a boyfriend who I love very much, and he for example is someone who makes me feel taken care of. I’ve been able to pick up on some things through our relationship, like the way he accepts my body the way it is when I think it may be quite awful. Or how he encourages and supports my findings in new ways to be active or eat healthier, and he wants me to eat, where a big part of me thinks I shouldn’t. I know clearly that humans need food for survival, but food has done nothing but bring me pain my entire life. Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually- although there have been some points in my life where it hasn’t affected me at all. When that happens, I begin to suspect that instead it is not food that is the culprit, instead it’s just another way for the culprit to lash out. But if it’s not food, what is it? Recently I have begun to explore the science and meaning of a rare genetic blood disorder called “Thalassemia”, more specifically, thalassemia beta minor. This is because, you guessed it, I was born with this blood disorder. It’s something like sickle cell disease if you’ve heard of that, but instead of our blood cells being different shapes- they are different sizes- too small. It’s in our genetic code to reproduce these itty bitty red cells that make it hard to produce hemoglobin, which makes it hard to transfer oxygen fast and keep up with the rest of the body. It also makes it hard to digest iron, and overall can weaken and slow down the system. People who have thalassemia major unfortunately have to have blood transfusions because it’s so bad. Someone like me though, according to the internet can be considered a “carrier”, and have no symptoms their whole life. I learned that fact not long after my mom told me I had the disease when I was around 14. My mom, her sister, my cousin and my grandma all share this disease as well- yet I haven’t been able to find a common factor between us all other than we can get extremely tired. Depression, anxiety, excessive sleep, overeating, lack of energy equaling in lack of motivation- is thalassemia to blame for all of it? I can’t know for sure, I am no scientist and I’ve never had any intention in being one. I’m sure you’ve all noticed by now how poor my grammar skills can be, but it’s only because I have so many thoughts I want to communicate. The only talent I have tried working on for real was my art. It was the direct gateway to my subconscious, as I would doze off in class, have dreams all day when I would stay home from school sleeping, and have all of this natural creativity pouring out of me. Maybe I was unfortunate in the way that it seemed like the only thing I was capable of doing, but as I’ve gotten older, I have gotten stronger and wiser. I believe now I am capable of anything I put my mind too, and my faith remains in art- not because it was all I could do, but because it felt like art saved me and taught me everything I know today…
Things I’ve noticed after 2 weeks of recovery
- I am more in tune with my body. I recognise hunger and am able to eat something before I feel sick or nauseous. I no longer have to constantly guess if I “should” be eating at that moment.
- My skin has cleared up noticeably. I have always had acne and have been using prescribed medicine to fix it for years. After a couple of days of eating 3 meals a day (I tried to hit around 1800 cals) I noticed improvement already.
- I am not fixed, but I’m functioning. Yes, I get scared when someone buys sweets and I feel anxiety when people talk about calories. But I can function despite it. I am not constantly occupied by the horrible combination of anxiety and numbness that eds create.
- It’s nice to have a routine that requires you to move around the house. Just sitting in your room drinking water all day is boring and depressing. Being able to get food 3 or 4 times a day divides your day into clear segments. It’s easier to feel productive and awake.
- I actually have energy! I don’t have to feel like I am dragging myself through every day, only waiting for it to be over. In addition to getting energy from food, it is also way easier to fall asleep when my stomach isn’t rumbling or hurting.
- I can think again. I can think about other things than the cycle of thoughts about my weight, body, worth, food and guilt. I can actually pay attention to other things in life. It makes it so much easier to feel joyful and passionate about things.
- It’s not as scary as it feels. When I first started all the alarm bells would go off whenever I ate. Every meal felt like a binge, like something I had to be ashamed of. As I pushed through and focused on rational thoughts rather than emotions, the discomfort slowly went away. It gets a lot easier after a while.
You want to feel comfort and happiness again. The only way to get it is recovery. You can do it.