Uncle Iroh would be proud that I took my medication today.
I haven’t felt like this in so long yet I keep getting these urges. I don’t want to go back to how I was last year, I don’t want to cut myself again. And I don’t even know why. I got into the school of my dreams yet when I got accepted I felt… nothing. I tried so hard, studied and tried so hard to keep my grades up for four years now just to feel… nothing. Not even for a second, and now I have nothing to strive for, no motivation. My grades are down now, teachers that I grew relationships with being the studious kid now practically ruined because I just gave up.And I feel like I’m too young to feel this. These are suppose to be the golden days, where what is suppose to matter most to me is if I can pass this semester yet I can’t help but think about death and the future. This feeling of ungratefulness or just a feeling of me just over-reacting is always present. Whenever I want to speak of my problems to my friends there always seem to be someone else who has it worse then I.I just want to feel like I did back in school, being near the top of my class, feeling accomplished of myself for completing a goal I set to myself way back in 4th grade. Now nothing else matters to me, I just want to feel happy again, going back to that laughing 4th grader who had just learned about these schools and how happy I felt when I got my first report card with all A’s. And now I’m here, sitting with the same tool I used to cut myself all those months ago, wondering if I should just try and get back to work or make myself bleed to at least feel something. All I can feel now are just the chills going down my back, the same feeling I would get all those months back. The difference now being, there really is no more motivation to keep going forward. Once I finally finish all of this school work, leave all my friends behind, and begin to head into the real world, I wonder if I’d stay.
Stoned hearted is how I tried to remain. Today’s conversation I took a bullet to the chest with no protective vest. You said you have better things to do than talk to me, who’s that really from you or the one that stalks the phone calls?
There’s no walk behind those words and I’ll say it loudly you’re both are cowards. Kindness I’ve put toward our relationship even when you’ve been abusive and a user. Only a nuisance until a electronic is broken, then guess who gets taken in?
Mistakes make on both sides but Ma open your eyes, that fire he keeps igniting are to keep feeding you his lies. Blindly you follow by his side and stick up for him with pride. You disowning her and taking me along for the ride is something you should be ashamed of. I never crossed a line until he disrespected my mother with comments of my dads death.
Last breath wasted. This drama has left a bad taste in my mouth, if cutting you out until you smarten up gets rid of it then there’s the line in the sand feel free to cross it when you feel you can care again.
Qui, 28 Maio
Esse é meu primeiro post aqui. Mesmo tendo tumblr por muitos anos, eu nunca usei pra, de fato, escrever algo. Mas eu decidi mudar isso esse ano, principalmente depois de ter uma das piores crises de ansiedade da minha vida.
Meus histórico com crises é recente, e incrivelmente se iniciou no primeiro dia desse ano. Sim, logo no primeiro dia de 2020. Nesse dia foi verdadeiramente desesperador já que eu não fazia ideia do que estava acontecendo, porque eu estava me esforçando tanto pra respirar, o porque meu coração batia tão rápido sem nenhum controle.
Eu ainda não tenho diagnóstico mas o google disse que é crise de ansiedade/pânico e os sintomas batem, então eu acredito.
Acho que isso é tudo por enquanto.
A few reminders:
🌸 You are worthy and enough.
🌸You deserve to feel safe and be heard.
🌸You deserve kindness and understanding, both from others and yourself.
I’ve not really been sleeping lately because there’s a lot of things going on in my head, I’m still working throughout this pandemic and I can’t focus on reading or anything for that matter.
I’ve barely been sleeping and I’ve been drinking and emotional far too much. Just for my friend to take me out and have a chat with me earlier even from a distance just meant the world to me. Just to explain how I feel even though she knows all about it meant everything.
Take care of people during this, you don’t know how they really feel💯