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I saw the quote today “be the person you want to have in your life” and I thought YES, this is it, this is where I’m going wrong, my whole life is dedicated to the art of swapping and changing myself…. to be the person everyone wants me to be. And I’ve sat in psychologists offices for enough hours to know that the reason for this is because my mother didn’t love me. And today I saw a picture of my mum and what would be my stepsister, if we still lived in the same town/ had each other’s phone numbers/ anything to do with each other at all. I saw my stepsister with my very loved and very missed little brother and I looked at that picture and all I could hear was my mother telling me “with her, I’m finally understanding what loving a daughter is”. Hearing that in my own head at aged 23 (so close to 24) hurts just as much as it did in real life at the age of 17 and I have childhood stories for days that might explain why I am me but I think most importantly is that even now I still make decisions based on who she would want me to be. Why do I spend so much energy fighting these battles for someone who doesn’t care whether I’m kind, or strong, or smart, or funny, or happy. I looked at the picture of that little girl and for just a second the jealousy turned me into exactly the person I try so hard not to be. I hate that she’s pretty and she’s sweet and everything I cannot ever be, and I wonder how I could have moulded myself into someone that she could love. I feel bitter and twisted that no matter how much of myself I give to this fight, I will never win. How many years of my life I have lost already and how much of my personality is a result of what happened to me. How I can reply ‘hahahahahaha’ to a message while I’m literally crying on the bathroom floor because I can run the water in there and break open quieter. My friend messages and says ‘did you watch the queens speech’ and my fingers itch to reply ‘no. I was thinking of ways one through twelve that I could end this all tonight if I wanted to’ but instead I don’t reply at all because my last mental health breakdown was only about a month ago and two in a month is surely two too many, I’ve reached the limit on their compassion and if kind words cost money then I’m all spent up, I’m dead broke and I’ve nowhere left to turn. I start panicking because I’m feeling claustrophobic even though I’m not prone to claustrophobia but somehow the room is getting smaller and my breaths are getting deeper and my heart is beating faster. I’m drowning, no one is offering me a life raft they’re all just talking about video games and binge watching tv shows and normally I’d join in but my mum didn’t love me and suddenly the tv doesn’t appeal, I don’t remember what my favourite songs or books or movies are and all I know is that someone is inside my body sitting on my chest, squeezing my lungs and pouring poison into my brain. I see a post from someone who says how grateful they are for their parents and how sad they feel for those who aren’t as lucky and I think unkind things because I don’t want the pity but also, I want someone to acknowledge the depth of my pain (and then I hate myself for that, too). I’ve read all the self help guides and I’ve attended the therapy sessions and I’ve talked until my voice is hoarse and still, it hurts. I think ‘it’s just a bad day’ and I know in my heart that this is true but this bad day stretches like a lifetime and tomorrow, my mum still won’t love me. I don’t know how much fight I have left. I go to sleep and I pray to a god I don’t believe in that things will feel lighter in the morning.

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I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but recovery is possible. *eyeroll* Trust me, I know how dumb that sounds, I know that it seems incomprehensible, pointless, and even insulting. I didn’t want to recover. I had absolutely no intention of realigning myself or letting go of the only thing that I had left to define myself with. But slowly I got there, at my own pace, realising along the way that I didn’t have to completely let go of the control over eating or my body, just build a healthier relationship with it.

I didn’t wake up one day and see my ‘healthy’ body as acceptable. When people told me I was ‘looking well’ or ‘healthy’ I genuinely wanted to scream. But as recovery went on, gradually bringing myself back to where I should have been it was like the whole world went from dusty grey scale to full colour. I had no idea how intimately linked my depression and my anorexia were until I began to take care of myself. I thought I was depressed because I wasn’t loosing weight because of how expansive I perceived myself to be, but actually, I was depressed because I was loosing weight, because I had nothing to fuel my brain to bring me any postivity, self love or self compassion. I was depressed because my one and only sole focus was my size, and that was where I placed my entire self value, the only thing I thought I would ever be good at and the only thing I felt like I could hold on to. But the strange thing was that the fear of seeing my body grow into how it should be was a far lesser anguish than the depression I felt as I was denying myself of food.


Do calories and weight and the way I look still concern me? Every single day, of course. Do I place my self worth and sense of control in the hands of food? Occasionally. But it’s a dull voice in the back of my mind that I can notice, but not allow to reign supreme. And I know that I am not fat. I never thought I would say that, ever. I know that I have a good looking, proportioned, nice body. Some days I love it a lot more than others, but I can look at myself and recognise that my shape is not a failure, but something I should be proud of because it’s mine. I still control what I eat, I make healthy choices, I exercise, and on days when I feel wobbly, I will eat less because I know the nagging tone in my head will pipe up. That’s something I don’t think is spoken about enough when it comes to recovery, you can still have control, you can still make choices, seven years on from my medical recovery and I can weigh myself once a week (even with wet hair), and not feel the overwhelming urge to hurl the scales out the window. You can build a routine, find where you are comfortable, and allow yourself to flourish there. Recovery also doesn’t mean you have to pile on a ton of weight, it just involves finding a healthy weight bracket where you feel safe.

And fuck, if I hadn’t gotten better I would have missed out on going to university, studying music journalism, getting my dream job and falling in love. I would have never have met Gerard Way, I wouldn’t have been to all the shows I’ve been to. I would never have been allowed to get all these tattoos or live on my own. I would have completely forgotten how it feels to be truly happy. 

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OVERWHELMED - another bit done - hopefully gonna get it all drawn tomorrow then I can piece all the animation together. Not gonna lie - this has taken way longer than I thought it would and my hand will be glad when it’s done.

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04.05.2020- I don’t know about you guys, but quarantine is kicking my ass. I feel like shit today and it’s grey and rainy out which makes me feel worse. I feel soooo suffocated and kinda depressed, and have no energy to get my housework done.

To try to get myself out of this funk, I’ve written down some goals for myself for the next 3-ish months. I know quarantine is currently only projected to last till the end of April, but honestly I think it’s gonna last until at least July, which fucking sucks.

I miss a lot of things from my old life before quarantine, and it’s stressful knowing things will probably never be the same. Nonetheless, I have to keep trucking and giving myself shit to look forward to.

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My desk/Inspo board.

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Drawing from our last therapy session. I drew my therapists deck/garden. We had so many wonderful memories there from last summer. We can’t be together now because of Coronavirus. We have been having remote sessions and it’s been really hard to be apart from her and her dog Charlie. I miss them and can’t wait to be there again to sit outside when the flowers have bloomed and hopefully all of this is over.

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Me & my Charlie horse, a symbolism for Charlie the white German sherpard that is the therapy dog I also call my best friend. He is there in my sessions to offer grounding and a safe place to put all of the cuddles and childish love I want to put onto my therapist. Also one of my all time favorite editorials from Harpers Bazaar UK Styled by Venetia Scott of Georgia May Jagger.

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I get asked by countless adults, teens, men and women for ways to stop and cope with self harm. It is more common than many realize and a form of unhealthy coping for many things. Thankfully there are ton of ways to cope with this when the urge hits but coping is only good for when it gets bad fast. Therapy helps solve the underlying challenges so that you can put an end to it. Remember you are not alone and that it does get better, I believe in you and am proud of you for being here today! #ice #hacks #hack #help #copingskills #coping #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalillness #depression #depressionhelp #anxietyrelief #anxiety #ptsd #ptsdawareness #addiction #addict #unhealthly #recovery #tiktok #hope #kindness #love #dr1venfamily #dr1ventogether (at La Palma, California)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-myCtCjX74/?igshid=182dz0fk0mqti

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When your ex and you still have each other on Snapchat but NEVER talk…

I miss him all the time bro.

I’ve swiped up on a story of him asking for someone to chill w and told him I’d be down BECAUSE I JUST MISS BEING AROUND HIM.

And he said he’d have to see if he’s working on that day and that he’d get back to me.


PLOT TWIST


Never got back to me.

So I messaged him 9 HOURS AGO. Asking if there really is a point of us having each other on social media when he just doesn’t give a fuck about us staying in contact WHEN WE HAVE BOTH SAID WE WANTED TO BE FRIENDS.

He was last active 6 hours ago and hasn’t read that message.


I FUCKING MISS HIM EVERYDAY DUDE. I just want him in my life but he just doesn’t seem to care or want that and it’s sending me through a loop. I fucking love him with my entire being and it sucks that after everything we went through he just wants nothing to do with me. That hurts me more than the actual break up.


How do you even cope with this shit because I’m not. At all.

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For most of my life, I dealt with trauma by rationalizing my emotions. I would treat them like an intellectual puzzle. Analyze them, understand them, file them away. Turns out, this is not how you’re supposed to process feelings. Turns out, feelings are meant to be…felt! Wild, absolutely nuts. Who the fuck knew. Not me! ⁣

Anyway, in a delirious moment I tried to explain this epiphany to my partner by using a really bad cookie comparison. And now I’m subjecting all of you to it, too. ⁣

Thanks, sorry, you’re welcome. Be kind to yourselves, much love from me.⁣

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Since Sunday, I’ve been looking forward to the fresh flowers being delivered today. I’m fixated on it actually. Like an old Italian grandma who spends the whole week waiting for Luigi to bring by a fresh loaf of bread. 

Flowers may not seem essential in a time where so many are lacking so much. It’s not food or water or TP. But having something beautiful to look at every day that says, look! Life is beautiful! We can thrive! Well that feels just as necessary to my survival as a can of garbanzo beans. 

My brain can’t really process that the expected death toll is now at 100,000 Americans. So, call it glass-half-full thinking or call it living in a bubble, but we all gotta do what we all gotta do, to make it through.

And for me,

in this moment,

it’s yellow tulips in a mason jar.  

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Fact: It’s no secret that young people are more stressed than ever before.

Fact: You deserve mental health support. ❤️

DoSomething and Blue Shield of CA are activating young people nationwide to help improve their friends’ mental health, even while social distancing. We want to hear from you! Join our New State of Mind campaign and share your best stress or anxiety tip with us to be part of this first-of-its-kind crowdsourced mental health guide: DoSomething.org/TIPS or text TIPS to 38383

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Many people feel unsure when to seek help so I made this short video as a guide. This is not an advert. I am currently closed to new referrals at present. I want everyone who is struggling with their mental health to seek the help they deserve ❤️
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#therapists #therapistsofinstagram #mentalhealthstigma #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthsupport #mentalhealth #love #psychologist #therapy #help #psychologistsofinstagram #depression #anxiety #ocd #seekhelp #selfhelp #selfhealers #selfcare
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-c_YFNDzVt/?igshid=1vt6mswffvxf2

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Because sometimes we just need to hear it because we do not say it to ourselves enough! You are amazing, wonderful, smart, and most of all a Bad A$$ Mother Fuc*er and you have made it through 100% of your worst days! #mentalhealth #tiktok #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillness #mentalhealthmatters #anxiety #anxietyrelief #depression #depressionhelp #ptsd #ptsdawareness #addict #addiction #recovery #sober #suicide #suicideprevention #love #hope #dr1venfamily #dr1ventogether (at La Palma, California)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-c9Z4NjEE8/?igshid=1dvvlsf4j71e

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Despair and anguish fill my mind,

As the devil within me,

Makes me blind.

No more I see just pain and regret,

The mental strain,

No hope can be met.

I long to feel the gentle caress,

Of a good night’s sleep,

But instead there’s just stress.

What more can I do,

To pass the time,

If only they knew,

I could commit a crime?


Try to feel something,

Other than this,

Dark, desperate exhaustion,

Hoping for the feeling of calm, total bliss.


Their words cut deep,

Like knives in my skin,

And the voices harass me,

My soul lives in sin.


Forever, I’m condemned to a life of such sorrow,

Wishing and hoping,

There will be no tomorrow.


By Becky Crane.

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WHOA Mona comes out in less than a week! 🚨And @goodreads is holding a special Mona giveaway which you have OVER MORE DAY to enter! 🚨And check out this stunning moving cover!! 👀Thanks @abramsbooks @piquebeyond this is starting to feel more real.🙌
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#thedarkmatterofmonastarr #whatsthematter #lauraleegulledge #abramsbooks #piquebeyond #graphicnovel #yalit #mentalhealth #graphicmedicine #newbook #bookbaby #bookgiveaway #goodreads
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-c80TNlEVq/?igshid=14lc5rhi98kid

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