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#mentally ill

Dear diary,

I’m in bed. It’s 4:21am. I’m not even tired.

I got up at 2pm today and we walked the dog through the fields for 2 hours! It was a beautiful sunny day and I loved it. The wind was beautiful in my lungs and the sun on my skin, as I watched her run through the grass, enjoying herself.

Then we had a clean of the house and enjoyed a takeaway and spent the night with all the animals on the sofa. It was a nice day.

It’s a shame I couldn’t enjoy it 100% due to depression and anxiety and these stupid fucking intrusive thoughts getting in my way, but at least it was a silver lining on an otherwise dark cloud.

I’ve got to get up extra early tomorrow as we’ve got a long walk and then are going for a Sunday dinner. Excited to get back out there with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair and forget the world exists.

I’m wide awake. Typical. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight with no nightmares or keep waking up. Wish me luck.

0 notes

If your parent(s)/caregiver(s) ever…

  • used their physical size/height advantage to intimidate or threaten you, they’re abusive
  • crossed your boundaries to the point where you felt violated or frightened, they’re abusive
  • ignored a physical or mental health struggle you experienced as a child, they’re abusive
  • took away your privacy as a way to punish you, they’re abusive
  • used force to get you to apologize or beg for forgiveness, they’re abusive
  • screamed at you until you went into fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode, they’re abusive
  • hit/grabbed/pinched/beat you as a way to teach “discipline”, they’re abusive
  • used you as a therapist when you were a child, they’re abusive
  • manipulated you into believing the punishments or violations were justified, they’re abusive
  • used religion to make you feel guilty or ashamed of your individuality, they’re abusive

Abuse isn’t always obvious when we experience it and it isn’t always intentional, but that doesn’t make it any less traumatizing.

(Feel free to add more)

7 notes

me literally 2 days ago: in the middle of the worst mental breakdown i’ve ever had, having a hard time knowing what’s real, SEVERE dissociation, hearing shit, convinced my friends want nothing to do with me and it’s better for them if i leave, intrusive thoughts abt violence and overdosing, and 1 inconvenience away from committing myself

me rn: i’m so much better than almost everyone around me. why would i go to a psych ward? i’m not gonna die? things haven’t been this good in a while?? i’m light and happy and i am my own god i’m SO powerful

3 notes

judging people for returning to unhealthy coping mechanisms is awful

I see it so often a person is in recovery, and then they return to them for various reason, from being triggered, or have had something bad happen, 

(this works for many things including ed’s and addiction)

and people in the persons life, get so judgy and shitty about it

A: its a mental illness

B: recovery is complicated, its not always as simple as just stopping and never doing it again

please just be respectful of peoples journeys, shaming them is not going to help, they need love and acceptance

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Someone once thought I was ableist when I told them I’m autistic.

Like I’m so horrible that me stating I’m autisic is apparently embarrassing for other autistic people.

Eh, fair enough, I am terrible.

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Everyone gets better than me. For most, angst is a middle school phase. When you’re me, you never leave that. You see everyone surpass that and become happy meanwhile you remain broken and craving death.

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I’m considring seeking professional help (not ed-related) but I don’t feel like I can be honest, I’m too scared they will say anything to my parents about what I talk about…

I have tried to explain to many people that I don’t want to talk to my parents about my mental health, and all they say is to just try, “what’s the worst thing that can happen”, and sure I get it, but talking to my parents about it is out of the question

I don’t know what to do… I just know I need help…

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Just know that even if I’ve smiled or laughed today I’m still wishing I was dead

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Love how my therapist asked me what I want to get out of therapy like

I want to not fucking wish I was dead every second of every day you fucking twat

7 notes