I have realized within the past two years or so my anxiety has been getting worst. I heard writing about it can help work it out.. and what better way to do this is a public platform. I honestly enjoy writing publicly so I can have at least one person understand what I'm going through, makes me feel less alone.
I am going to try to get into the habit of writing on days my anxiety is bad, I have a anxiety attack, or even just having a mental health day and need to vent. I need to work on forming that habit as a daily or weekly routine at least.
But for a quick run down of my mental health...
Mental health runs in my family
I go to a counselor. As of today I have two more lessons than I will be graduating from there after two years of going. I've been to other counselors in the past this is the longest I've been going to the same place.
I do not take any kind of medication. I'm not opposed to using medicine at all. For me I would like it as a last resort.
That is a very quick run down at least I will share more when the time comes.
I would love any kind of help, tips, advice, recommendations, stories...anything
𝕋ℍ𝔼 𝔸𝕊𝕋ℝ𝕆ℕ𝔸𝕌𝕋 |
Very few individuals can appreciate the beauty that space has to offer whilst holding the reality that it could annihilate their person within mere seconds with an unlimited, unknowable quantity of circumstances.
Very few individuals can safely hold the reality that the world is full of an inconceivable infinitum of possible catastrophes whilst living in a mental reality where they are safe within that world of possible catastrophes.
And only a select group of those individuals compose the makeup of astronauts that possess the skill necessary to go beyond the known world.
An even smaller quantity of people take that step to explore the unknown within themselves. So, it is no wonder that only a handful of individuals are ever inclined to externally make such a step.
No individual can deny that a fear of the external world is a fear well founded. What separates these perceptions of the same vacuum is context.
The unknown has inspired awe and fear in humans for as long as the peculiar and unorthodox have existed. It is the human condition to denigrate and reject what we do not wish to conceive about the world, especially if it threatens the internalised values we use to perceive it. Anything outside our understanding threatens to make us depart from this sense of self we possess. Our perceptions can feel as though the external world are attacking those inner values that are born of the latent fears entrenched within the folds of our inner worlds.
It is unsurprising then, that it is an agoraphobic approaching this discussion.
I identified strongly with the belief that I was under a perceived attack from the demands of the external world. Demands that you can imagine, deviated little from the demands placed on the ordinary individual who has surpassed the educational requirements to be considered an adult.
I was convinced my terror of being exposed as the failure I felt I was within would be unveiled if I ever decided to participate in reality. I spent months machinating upon delusions of an eldritch entity that existed and had selected me out of all possible candidates to expose and unveil as the failure of an adult that I felt I was becoming. A voice of fear biased divination would often whisper in my ear prophecies of ‘death inducing failure’ and ‘annihilation’ if I ever chose to participate in the world. With this fear’s immense stranglehold, choice became an illusion that fear presented me and yet had already chosen on my behalf.
Avoidance is the natural consecutive step to fear, the rational person concludes.
The individual retreats from the space beyond their habitation and crosses no further than the threshold between the pavement and the doorway.
Self isolation offers them no relief from fear of the external world and only serves to fulfill a prophecy of failure and isolation predicted by the hyper-terrorised inner monologue that exists only to serve itself. Lack of exposure only continues to exemplify the fear that is already there.
“The world is not safe and it has no place for people like me. It will harm and annihilate me for the coward that I am, and in doing so I will experience social and mental death.”
It is not often the individual considers returning to the pivotal moments, where they remained in the threshold between the door and the space beyond.
“I would tell that person they were creating the very reality that terrified them into those doors and their bedroom.”
The agoraphobic wants to believe they can only go through life with adequate or partial participation. Enough to satisfy the illusion of normality and abate concerns that would bring about a confrontation. Consequently, they live their internal crucifixion as an external crucifixion between staying within and going beyond what they understand and know.
The individual yearns for the isolated liberties offered by the identity of The Astronaut. The Astronaut doesn't have to participate in the hardships of the external world if they live within the abyss of fear induced crucifixion. The individual does not have to leave their spacecraft and space of habitation that they associate with safety. Adulthood is often a threat to agoraphobic individuals because it requires them to participate in their environment. They find themself subject to unlimited unknowns in regards to their environment, their place within that environment and the multiple factors that predate their existence such as income, and education. The individual does not want to be identified as the failure within a world where they are supposed to possess the ‘go-getter’ attitude that juxtaposes their fear of the external world and life.
The mind is often discontent when it cannot work in probabilities and binary. The world offers neither. The brain is terrified of every possible thing that could harm the individual, or expose them for the terrible person they feel they are within. The individual’s mind is often swallowed by self flagellation and reminders that they possess the energy ‘to act’ within the world and yet are either too fearful or appear to refuse to do it.
As one begins to reclaim that vacuum they inadvertently confront its most fear inducing facets.
“If the world does intend for me to suffer externally in some horrible sporadic misfortune, then no amount of suffering I can do within can prevent it from enacting my awful fate. If I am to vomit, to die, or to suffer, there is nothing the piddling little voice in my head can do about it, no matter how much it whispers. It can only try and protect me from potential threats.
However, I recognise that if I live my life trying to protect myself from potential threats then I am no longer living at all. I would be living by the reality of the voice that sees a possibility for disaster in everything and in living by that voice, I would find joy and relief in nothing.”
Upon this revelation, a subverted understanding of The Astronaut symbol was nascent.
As I cultivated my innerworld, I embodied The Astronaut that explored willingly.
I was the individual who dared to plunder the eldritch depths of my person and psyche to observe the exploded stars and the nascent planets birthed from my growing understanding of myself.
I was one identity and then the other and I hold that The Astronaut and space possess the ability to exist within two lenses. Space and the unknown are either explored willingly within the enclosed safety of the self or they are retreated into by those in immense fear of what is within them as well as beyond them. I was and am still The Astronaut on occasion, as we all are.
I stress only the importance of looking within to understand the without.
‘What is without within is within without.’
👩🚀🐝Witchen Kitch Lanvi 🐝👩🚀
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