I feel really guilty, wanting to simply not exist anymore. While I watch my friend fight for her life. When I watch my baby see and do all the new things in life. When I watch my husband love unconditionally. When I hear my best friend laugh and tell me everything going on in her life.
Knowing what my absence would do to my family and friends.. That's what keeps me going...
I'm just going through it right now.. I have no intentions in killing myself. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired.
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No thoughts tonight but being close to Levi during a particularly difficult time.
It never got easy to come back from a mission with bodies of people you spent years training with. You and Levi drown yourselves into the work of tying loose ends, paperworks and funerals.
It had been days since you last slept together on the same bed. After all the reports had been sent to Erwin's office, you found Levi sitting on the bed, fully dressed. Your body was sore and your bones were heavy with fatigue and guilt. You tried your very best to be professional during the funerals but the heartbroken stares from hollow eyes of the victims' families screamed "why you? Why not our child?!"
You walked toward your side of the bed, stripping as you go. You pulled one of Levi's clothes from the pile of unfolded clothes and threw it over your head. You stole a glance at Levi, but he did not move a muscle. Signed, you climbed onto the bed and pulled the blanket over your head. You turned your back toward Levi, holding yourself close.
Silence rang so loud between you. You thought for a moment. Carefully, you reach your hand behind your back and tugged at Levi's clothes. Levi was still. And then, you heard him signed. You felt bed shifted under his weight as he stood and undressed himself. He slid under the covers with his back turned toward you.
Your fingers idly touching his bareback, feeling weak warmth from him in days. Levi shifted, and his fingers interlaced with yours. Your palm is warm against his, fingers entwined carefully as if to not scare either one away.
You stayed that way for a while. You couldn't sleep. You knew he was the same too.
Then, Levi turned. And you turned too. Your bodies came together so easily, like two halves of the Yin and Yang. Levi's arms wrapped around your body like that was the only thing he was born to do; and your face fitted perfectly at the crook of his neck and collarbones as you rested your hand on Levi's chest.
You both exhaled in relief. Levi tightened and loosened his arms around you as if he was making sure you were still here with him. You rubbed your hand on Levi's chest and neck, assuring him you never left.
You planted a small kiss on his skin, promising to stay with him for life. Levi removed your hair from your face, and you finally locked eyes.
You saw a tear rolled down his cheek, and you lifted your face and kissed his lips.
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thinking about how ‘my sadness is contagious’ is one of the statements that is explored all over midnights and how that ties into an album called the tortured poets department
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