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theunamusedhat · 5 years

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hey

who wants to indulge in a cool fanfiction @a-croissant and i made

beach bear enters. he is a professional minecraft hunger games player. mitzi walks in too, she is the animal jam expert

beach says “begone with your pathetic flash game I am the gamer supreme.” He adjusts his cowboy hat

mitzi says “beach bear animal jam is the superior game because I can live my dream of being a neon colored wolf and what can you do? only say creeper aw man.” She fortnite dances

“fool.” the bear scoffs. “I dont have to buy a membership to be a got damn horse.” He uploads his rainbow dash skin to his minecraft account

“at least I don’t have to deal with klunk nose lookin ass villagers and I get amazing benefits from being a member.” mitzi says, replacing her mouse pad with an anime titty pad

“mitzi. Mitzi you’re eating us out of house and home. Mitzi I haven’t eaten in days. We are broke Mitzi, the animal jam must stop. I’m taking away your credit card”

Mitzi grabs the credit card and scratches Beach in the face. “you can’t do this to me,” she hisses “I need this game to survive”

“mitzi, please listen to me. mitzi this is an intervention. Mitzi this is a serious problem.” Beach bear pleads “You haven’t left the house in days. your friends are worried. come sing again”

Mitzi gets down on all fours and scrambles away from beach with her credit card in her mouth. She says, through the credit card, “Beach I’m not a band member anymore. I’m a neon colored wolf and you know that”

The bear trembles. “Mitzi, hand it over! ..Mitzi, don’t you dare buy more diamonds. You can get them on the member’s daily spin, Mitzi! You can save up! I promise! MITZI, DON’T!”

But it is too late. Mitzi uses her last $100 to buy diamonds. She is crying.

Beach Bear slowly and cautiously steps closer, trying to not upset her any further. “Mitzi, this isn’t you. I know you’re in there. You’re not like this. It’s not too late, we can fix this..!”

Tears are pouring from Mitzi’s eyes. Her fists are clenched and a sob chokes out from her throat. “No beach.” She refuses. “It’s too late. I’ve torn this family apart.”

“Mitzi, please! There’s still a chance for things to be alright again! We can fight it, Mitzi!” Beach Bear insists. “We can fight it.. together.” He holds out a shaking hand.

Mitzi stares at his shaky hand and slowly reaches her own hand out. Her other hand is still holding a death grip on the mouse. As she carefully slides her hand into Beach’s, he notices that it is irregularly cold. He hears her mumble something under her breath.

Beach Bear feels gripped with an unshakable unease, but he presses on for the sake of his friend. He leans a little closer, hoping to hear her better. “What..?”

Mitzi remains silent. Beach Bear can feel her grip on his hand tightening. Is it just the light reflecting off of the computer or are her eyes more red than usual?

Beach Bear gulps, hesitating a little as he speaks; “M.. Mitzi....?”

Mitzi whips her head around to look straight at him. Her eyes are now completely black with only two tiny white dots acting as her pupils. In a low raspy voice that is most certainly not her own, she speaks. “This will teach you not to interrupt me while I’m gaming.”

He yelps out in shock, attempting to tug his hand out of her grip, but to no avail. His eyes widen as he can do nothing but stare back into unfamiliar, soulless eyes. What has his friend become?

Mitzi shoves Beach Bear and he lands with a loud thump on the floor. Before he has time to right himself, Mitzi is standing above him, her dark eyes piercing into his soul. Beach Bear’s mouth becomes dry and he can feel himself perspiring as Mitzi speaks once more. “You couldn’t see the appeal of animal jam before, looks like I’ll have to show it to you myself.”

Beach Bear hits the floor hard, sending his cowboy hat toppling off in the process. With wide, fearful eyes, he stares up at the person who he thought to be his friend, and the only thing he could possibly do is plead; “NO.. NO..! MITZI, PLEASE!”

His pleas fall on deaf ears. Mitzi begins to chant something under her breath, and Beach can feel the dark magic she is summoning envelop his body.

Beach Bear squirms desperately, but his struggling is proven useless. He can’t even feel his body anymore. His mind is in a daze.

His hair is ruined.

But he has only moments to think of his glorious hair being ruined. His body is shifting, at least he thinks it is. Mitzi is still chanting. But her voice begins to grow quieter and quieter, she must be nearly done.

He squeezes his eyes shut and prepares for the worst. What will his poor mother think when he’s gone from a pro alpha gamer to a disgraceful Animal Jam amateur? His friends— he was their only hope, and now he’s failed them all. Doomed them to have the same fate as himself, perhaps. He found himself yearning for a time long since passed, silently begging and praying to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Only, it wasn’t a nightmare.

Finally, the pain stops. Beach sits up, his eyes still foggy. Instinctively, he runs a hand through his hair, which is surprisingly still there. Mitzi, still speaking in her growly voice, tells him, “I hope you’re happy with your new form. It’s what you deserve.” Beach Bear shakily stands up and runs to the mirror he knows is in the dressing room. To his absolute horror, staring back at him is not the stunning polar bear who always smiles back at him.

Instead, an 8 foot tall Animal Jam wolf stares back.

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knightsickness · 6 years

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Honestly I’m not even really sure what the fuck SCP actually is but I watched about three minutes of a video about one of them and I’m cracking the fuck up. So they show you like a fuckin slideshow of pictures of This Bitch with the voiceover like ‘it’s shy and reclusive’ and then fuckin hits you with ‘and when someone sees its face, whether on a photo or video, it comes and slaughters their ass’.

And so at first you’re like Oh Shit I’ve just seen this ugly ass grandpa lookin motherfucker like five times, and then you think no, actually, that’s stupid as shit.

You want to know why? I’m assuming that SCP (which I think is like some sort of prison for eldritch abominations) is in America, right? I live in Europe. So first of all, if this fucker has the freedom to come murder every Fool that sees his face, they’re doing a Fuckin Stellar Job of that containment shit, like give yourself a fuckin pat on the side guys, why the fuck are we funding this?

Second of all, how’s this ugly leggy motherfucker getting here? Don’t give me any teleportation shit, This Bitch had legs and was walking like a motherfucker. Is it hitchhiking? Taking a fuckin bus? Having a fun and heartwarming roadtrip romcom for all the family with his friends, Not a Weeping Angel and Mouldy Bitch, just driving cross country with a beat up van and a mixtape? Just fuckin walking here? Do you know how long that would take? Does This Bitch need to eat? Probably, right? Where’s that coming from? Taking fuckin pit stops and buying a Snickers? Does he have a fuckin lunchbag? Waved off by tearful scientists at the door? Running out here to rend my ass with a wave and a slice of toast, the Bitch?

And how’s it crossing the fuckin Atlantic? Swimming? Nice fuckin try, bitchass, you’re going to fuckin drown with those spindly fuckers. Kick kick kick drowning, fuckin sharks staring at your bitchass face. Get agitated! Drown faster! Can’t do shit, bitch!

What’s the plan then? Get a fuckin ferry? Cruise? Just go to the fuckin airport? Unlikely. They need your fuckin face for the passport, bitch. Going to kill em all too? Good, should keep you busy. All time spent not fuckin murdering me. And then That Bitch will get arrested, or shot, or sent to Area 51, because SCP did a Fucking Stellar Job of Protecting the fucker.

And what if it does get on the plane? Nine hour flight! Flight attendents! The person next to This Bitch! That fuckin grandpa face is right the fuck there! Gonna kill five people, huh? Get yourself thrown out into the fuckin Atlantic? Good job. I’m sat here, drinking my fuckin coke, sleeping soundly at night, knowing that This Bitch is probably tied up getting distracted and killing an entire village somewhere. Getting onto world news. Giving me ample warning to practice breaking spindlyass legs with a cricket bat, even allowing the infinitesimal chance that the fucker gets here in the first place. Kills everyone that sees its face? Like a fuckin Santa of pain and bitchassery? Like a fuckin Enderman, you Minecraft loser shit? Like a fuckin fuck fuck fucker? Bitch. Fuck off.

#SCP #long post #this got out of hand #this is the closest to discourse I’ll ever post

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