Before I Leave You (Pt. 11)
(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)
Summary: Before they make the decision to love you, they deserve to know (maybe not everything, but most of it)
Pairing: Beta! Yoongi, Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin,
Tags: discussions of past abuse, themes of abandonment, betrayal, cursing, hurt/comfort, spanking, BDSM scenes, m x m sexual content, threesome, dom/sub undertones, references to alpha/alpha phobia, Dom! Namjoon, Dom! jimin, Sub! Hobi, mentioned domdrop, talk of suicidal thoughts, brief suicidal ideation,
A/n: this chapter has given me problems editing it and ugh- i think maybe i just got so frustrated making it make sense. As many of you know my computer recently broke, here is a link to the donation page to help me write more and keep producing fanfiction! big thank you to everyone whose already donated! you helped make this chapter possible!
Previous part — Masterlist
The whole room is silent in the wake of your outburst. You almost think you might be able to stay in the room, but then Hobi’s revulsion and hatred gets thrown at your feet along with a poisonous glare. “You let your mate abuse you” and “you almost destroyed Yoongi’s life with us” rings in your ears, and a wave of nausea wells up in you so thick and dizzying that you almost feel like you’re going to be sick in front of them.
You need to get away from him.
Maybe it’s the rejection sensitivity or otherwise. But also, this is kind of Yoongi’s problem. Maybe that's bad of you to think but you're not the one who left them and from the looks of it, it's probably better if you have no hand in how they heal. They don’t want you here and suddenly you can’t spend another minute in their presence.
Yoongi reaches out for you weakly as you leave the room, he can't resist reaching out to offer comfort after what Hobi’s just said. Seokjin makes a noise in the back of his throat, eyeing the blood you trek across the floor from the cut on your foot. Namjoon calls your name, but you keep going.
The pack stays silent until they hear your bedroom door slam.
Hobi in Namjoon's arms, finally stops his struggling. Yoongi’s just standing there crying, blinking up at the ceiling. Exhaling all the tension in his body trying to get his emotions under control, unable to tame them just as a sailor is unable to conquer the storm.
A beta happy has the ability to stabilize a whole back; Yoongi’s scent now makes them feel rocky and untethered. When Happy; the pack smells like a bakery, but when they're sad and upset like this their combined scents are too strong and dizzying to keep track of. Jungkook swears he feels his scent gland ache every time he breathes in a deep breath. The same way his head might ache in a room full of paint fumes. The hair on his arms stands on end.
Seokjin clearly seems to feel it too, reaching out to touch Yoongi’s back, to push back some of that pain and anguish because he can't just stand there and watch Yoongi suffer through another agonizing panic attack.
Yoongi lets out a heartbreaking whine when he realizes what Jin is about to do, teetering on unsteady feet, stepping away from Jin so quickly the omega is worried he might fall. Jin looks a little like Yoongi’s just hissed or growled at him.
"No don't- don't touch me- Don't touch me till I tell you."
It's strange, how sometimes touches you might love have the ability to hurt. Especially when you feel like you don't deserve them. Everyone in the pack is keenly aware of what that feels like. (Accept for maybe Namjoon and Jungkook, they havent had to deal with this kind of shame).
The pack moves to sit down at the dining room table quietly, Jin turns the soup down to a simmer on the stove and their other various projects are abandoned. Really, the house could burn down at this moment and they'd just move somewhere else to have this conversation before bothering to put it out. This is that important.They cannot move on from this moment until everything that happened is aired out in the open.
Namjoon plops Hoseok in a chair gently, his knees still a little weak. His hands never leave the other alpha, even as the others take their seats. Yoongi sits at the head of the table and wipes his cheeks, taking several shaky breaths to steady himself as everyone watches on, concerned, even Hobi.
He doesn't even know where to start.
“I can’t tell you everything” because he can’t, he’s not allowed. “There are some things that you’re just going to have to accept without asking for more. I’m not - I’m trying to keep you safe." He hopes more than anything that they can understand that. He’d never hurt them on purpose or kept secrets for selfish reasons. This- all of this has been for them.
"You have to trust me on that. I know I’ve done a lot to not be worth your trust but with this- I’ll tell you as much as I can, is that enough?”
Because there are still monsters lingering, eyes that might see this act of intimacy and find it threatening. Yoongi can only assume that the gang was still keeping track of both of you, as he hasn’t had any contact with them since the two of you left almost 5 months ago. He hopes it will stay that way.
As much as Yoongi hates lying to them he likes them alive and safe twice as much. So he'll give them Secrets and lies in equal measure, with just a dash of the truth, hopefully enough to make the love stick.
Part of Yoongi wishes he didn’t have your permission to tell this story so that he could delay the inevitable or find a different lie that fit the circumstances.
Jungkook is the only person who nods. Namjoon encourages Yoongi after a second when it becomes clear he’s struggling for words.
“Tell us how you found her Yoongi, tell us where she came from, please.” He’s calm, deceptively so. Namjoon’s good at concealing his emotions when he needs to, especially when it comes to hiding his fear and hurt for his pack mates sake.
“When I went home, I really did plan on coming back after those three weeks. But before I could my grandfather died, and that complicated things.”
Jimin sucks on his lower lip unable to meet Yoongi’s eyes, but the others drink in his words, the explanation that they’ve wanted for months now. Yoongi struggles to tell them enough without giving it all away, Enough to tip the scales in his favor.
“He was a powerful man, my family is a powerful family. You know I don't talk about them much. But because I'm me- because I'm a beta I'm allowed to stay away, but only barely. If I was anything else I'd have been shackled the same way she was."
"When I got there she was- I found out that- She" Yoongi stutters, can't think through the truth and the lies easily enough to sort out which might be dangerous. "-She was my brother's wife- but- not by choice, and that was my fault.” his voice breaks on the last line and he holds his head in his hands and sobs.
Any comments the pack might have at that are lost; because holy fuck- Yoongi’s got a brother. That’s unexpected.
They’re not stupid, they know he has to be the one that made you what you are. Every flinch and careful show of fear had to have had a source. They just didn’t expect it was someone Yoongi knew intimately, A monster that Yoongi had shared his childhood with.
You’re Yoongi’s fucking sister in law.
(Yoongi might be the hero of your story, but he’s cut from the same cloth as monsters) They didn’t even know Yoongi had a brother let alone that he had a family. More than one pack mate sits back and wonders what else they don’t know about Yoongi. “Was he older than you? Or younger?”
“Older, an alpha” Yoongi clarifies.
“Are you saying it’s your fault because you feel responsible, or because it was your doing?” Taehyung’s hands shake on the table, but he does manage to keep his voice steady. like Namjoon, Tae likes to restrain his emotions until he has the full picture. But even he is having trouble keeping himself together with how wrecked Yoongi is over this. Jin is barely keeping himself seated as is.
Yoongi’s voice cracks when he answers, “both.”
They all see the affects of that now, the guilt and the way he shakes, the light behind his eyes dimming just by saying the truth. Sometimes, telling the truth is worse than keeping a lie. “I didn't go to their wedding, I hadn't ever met her before the week of the funeral- if I had, I probably would have tried to split them up or tried to warn her what kind of person he was.”
“What was he like?” Jimin needs to know more about this man, more about the person who hurt you now that he’s got Yoongi talking. How to take him apart piece by piece hopefully.
“Everything that you hate about me, every part of me that is dismissive or selfish, was learned from him, He was a million times worse.
“When I got there I could already tell that she was being abused, I could see the bruises and the way he was twisting her mind against herself. The rest of my relatives didn’t care, That’s par for the course with them but still-“
Even that brief explanation feels woefully inadequate, too brief for the months of fear and hurt that Geumjae put you both through. Yoongi’s not immune from the effects of trauma, even if he likes to pretend that he's unchanged. The way that he’s shaking isn’t normal, trembling like a leaf in a storm. Jungkook wants to wrap Yoongi up in his nest and never let him out of it.
Next to him, Jin sets out his hand, leaves his palm open on the table for Yoongi to take. Yoongi folds his hands on his lap under the table to keep himself from reaching out.
“I tried to make it better I guess, I’d go over to their place sometimes and she’d be there and the few times I tried to get in the way and stop him from hurting her I just made it worse.” Yoongi’s voice gets a certain quiet to it, a hush, like he’s worried someone might be listening. “If I left her there he would have killed her. He tried to, thats why I couldn’t leave.”
Through all of this Namjoon doesn't sit, can’t sit- he’s too anxious and high strung to be still. Instead he stands behind Hobi, combing his hands through his hair as much to comfort the other alpha as comfort himself. The pack alpha can't speak, the growl in his throat dragged back by his better judgment taking any words he might say with them. No need to make his pack even more scared.
“My family is structured in a way that benefits the group, not the individual. And she wasn’t even blood so they wouldn’t do shit to help her with him. My brother was powerful too- powerful enough to keep me there indefinitely if he wanted.”
Jin finally gets frustrated enough, his instincts taking hold and he stands, going to the kitchen to start portioning out the soup. He might not be able to comfort the pack but at least he can make sure their stomachs are full.
Jin portions out 8 bowls of soup before he realizes it.
“She knew I had people who loved me." he doesn’t need to turn to feel what the rest of the pack are feeling, a drop in his stomach like he’s just missed a step going up the stairs.
Jin keeps staring down at the eighth bowl, listening to Yoongi’s hollow laugh. "It's funny, you give her a lot of shit Hobi but she's the one who told me to leave, she told me to come back to you but I couldn’t just leave her there. She didn’t even know you and she still offered to trade herself for us.”
Seokjin blinks, looking down at the droplet, the bit of water on the top of your soup. Touching his cheeks and finding them wet.
When Jin drops the bowl in front of Yoongi, the beta is sure to skim his fingers across the omegas wrist in a silent thank you. Even as he moves on to distribute the bowls. A few of the pups start to eat, Hobi only does at his urging, but the pack alpha remains standing behind the Hobi regardless of Jin’s glare.
“If it wasn’t for her, I never would have been able to come back. I know that’s not what you expect to hear, but it’s the truth.”
Geumjae would have found a reason to keep Yoongi there- to keep the beta on beck and call and unable to return to them. Without you- Yoongi could have kissed his future with the pack goodbye.
“You’re being vague Yoongi, it feels like they're something you’re trying to avoid telling us.” Jungkook could never accuse Yoongi of outright lying, and he doesn’t say it in a hateful way but still; He is giving them very little concrete information to go off of though the story he tells is compelling.
As much as Yoongi doesn't want to hurt Jungkook, he is an adult. And if he wants the less abridged version of the truth then Yoongi will give it to him.
“I’m trying to avoid saying that he beat her half to death, and then when I tried to steal her away he used me as leverage. He threatened to keep me away from you indefinitely unless she went back to him.
And when she did, he mated her against her will.”
Yoongi ignores the jagged inhales all around the table. The way the table creeks under the force of how hard Jimin’s holding it, face white as a sheet. Not a single person keeps eating. Taehyung’s spoon falls to the table, splattering Soup everywhere.
Namjoon’s hands in Hoseok’s hair go hard for a second, pulling harder than is comfortable. But he quickly relaxes once the alpha lets out a strangled gasps, both at the pain and what yoongi’s said.
Namjoon sees red, inhaling deep. Sure that if he opened his mouth- he might find fangs. Doing that is as unthinkable as it should be punishable. Namjoon doesn't believe in the death penalty- but maybe for him. Your mate- Yoongi’s brother- Namjoon could make an acceptation.
Usually, things like that result in jail time. The punishment for mating an omega or an alpha without their consent is 50 years to life usually. But from the way Yoongi grits his teeth at the truth, blinking back tears, it seems like he hasn’t been punished- not enough for what he did to you. No wonder you’d struggled to trust them at first if that’s what your mate had done to you.
A taboo- a crime worse than all others. Jin grabs Jungkook’s hand- squeezing it hard, thats every omega’s worse nightmare, it tends to generally happen to omegas more than it happens to alphas and even less often to betas. Once a year or so the news reports on something like that.
Hoseok is wide-eyed, lips parting trying to find the words as he realizes what Yoongi’s said and how that relates to what he’s done and said to you.
He called you weak. What he insinuated during the fight matches up perfectly with the wounds that are left on you; He was entirely out of line. What had happen to you was worse than death, and still somehow you're here. personhood intact, desperately trying to live. That’s unthinkable- impossible.
“If I’d only been quicker- I could have stopped it. She’ll tell me it’s not my fault a hundred times- but it is my fault.”
The pack's unhappy scents are quite a cacophony, ocean for Yoongi, bourbon for Namjoon- alcoholic and stinky, wet puppy for Jin, Burning sugar mixed with acid for Hoseok- present since this morning, gun smoke for Jimin and rotting flowers for Jungkook. Pepper for Tae- stinging hard at their noses like the perpetual feeling that you’re going to sneeze.
That- that’s a supreme violation, there is nothing worse that could be done to you then what’s already been done. No wonder why Yoongi was so protective of you if that’s what he’d seen. No matter the love he has for you- none of them think they could stomach seeing that.
“After that, the family dealt with him” Yoongi thinks of the burned down house and the cleaning crew. A pittance compared to the truth but not exactly a lie; the family had dealt with the body. Yoongi doesn’t think you’d want them to know you’re a murder- no matter how justified. “And they let us go. Without him- they couldn’t keep me or her there.”
“Are you sure there’s no risk of him coming back to find her?” Taehyung can barely get words out around his thoughts, the fact that he’d stolen that choice from you. Sadness and a peculiar type of angry mourning. You’d never be able to have that choice, the choice to choose to be mated. You’d been denied your autonomy in a way that none of them can relate to.
Accept for maybe Hoseok, Hoseok whose looking at Yoongi with tears in his eyes, lower lip quivering.
“I’m worried about that too” Namjoon asserts.
“Me three” Jimin adds, “though i’d-” he breaks off, rolling his eyes, crossing his arms, fingers digging into his own muscles. He doesn’t have to finish the sentence. Tae reaches out to touch him, as if to reaffirm that his soulmate is still present. He shares a look with the other alphas, “if he tried, we’d handle it.”
Yoongi keeps eye contact with Seokjin when he says it, unflinching. They’ve known each other long enough that they can both tell when the other one is lying and this is not a lie. “I’m sure.”
The rest of that story is your secret to tell, those moments of bloodshed with him dead and you there on the torture room floor. They don’t know that Geumjae is 6 feet under or probably nothing more than ashes scattering on the wind.
The pack watches on- riveted, Yoongi’s story is like a horror movie that they’re a little too close too- a little too life-like. They can’t tear their eyes away from Yoongi. He’s breathing easier now. Just a little.
Tae is the one who leans in. He’s always been one to enjoy a good story, but he doesn’t act like this is one, even if these events feel sort of distant as those in his books. You aren’t just another character, you’re a real person a room over. How had you stayed so soft? how did you survive that? “What happened next?”
“By the time we left- I didn’t want to come back into your lives without anything, say ‘here love this person that I love, just because you love me,’ that’s not how it works. You have to know someone before you really love them. I know that. And she-”
Yoongi thinks of those tangled first months, how at first, it felt like he’d barely been able to keep you alive. those nights he’s spent awake listening to your breath, making sure you didn’t disappear on him.
“We were adjusting and she needed time.”
That’s not how Yoongi wants them to love you either. This will only work if they see what Yoongi sees and what you fail to see in yourself; someone gentle and so deserving of love. Willing to give so much of yourself away as long as your boundaries are respected.
Boundaries are hard, the hardest thing about learning to love someone and learning to love yourself.
Hearing this, they understand why you’re the way you are. Why you run away every time something a little bit hard happens. Why you nap away the hours like the pain will just disappear if your eyes are closed. Yoongi knows that even on the best of days you still struggle. It's not self-care, but self-comfort that you gravitate to.
Maybe Yoongi would be more upset, would push you harder, if you weren’t getting better.
Ever since they started hanging around you’ve been less inclined to lock yourself away. You’re happy with them in the house. He’s seen you get restless with they leave, even with Hoseok. Fuck- fuck-
Maybe having someone love you when you’re hurting won’t fix you- but it sure as hell helps to have someone make sure you’re not actively stagnating. Yoongi could never let you rot away.
Maybe if Jimin hadn’t found you both that day in the supermarket you would have been able to build up to this slowly. And fallen in love when the house was finished and you were done healing or a little farther along in your recovery.
Yoongi would have sent them a letter, would have turned up on their doorstep with the address and a key; given it to Namjoon as a thank you, confession, and an apology. And then maybe all of this could have been avoided. This is all happening out of order. It was supposed to go house- healing- then love story. They don’t love you- not yet.
Seokjin sits back, running a hand through his hair and messing it up Cowlick pointing up. Jungkook’s leg shakes uncontrollably, jostling the whole table.
“You didn't want to apologize for staying for her especially when she was the only reason you were able to come back, so you bought us a house? as an apology? An apology house?”
Yoongi nods, “I bought us a house.”
He slides his gaze to Hoseok, imploring, begging him to understand. One that says everything it needs to about how desperate Yoongi feels.
“I wanted to come back sooner- you know I wanted to but the house wasn’t finished. And I didn’t want to come empty-handed- I-”
Hoseok stands up, pulling himself out of Namjoon’s hands and stumbling over to his side. There is still a punishment to be had, Namjoon won’t let his breaking go (and Hoseok wouldn’t want him to), but for now he lets the alpha go to Yoongi.
Yoongi’s hands on his hips keep him from tipping over. Hoseok’s hands cup Yoongi’s chin, "You idiot- it's not empty-handed when we have you."
Hoseok thinks back to what he’d been like immediately after his abuse, the months and months of careful care that they’d shown him before they’d thrust any sort of relationship on him. Would he have denied you that because of his own selfishness? Would he have wanted you to fester as he might have? Would he have wanted Yoongi to leave you there And doomed you to a life like that, mated against your will? without anyone to love other than the man who hurt you?
No, Hoseok wouldn’t want that. No matter how much he resented you for keeping Yoongi away; he couldn’t wish that on you.
There is a certain recursively to the two of you. A male alpha had hurt you the same way that a female omega had hurt Hobi. Your abuses are mirror images of each other, flipped. But not dissimilar.
Holy fuck- he really did go too far with what he said earlier.
Yoongi’s hand's fist in the waist part of Hoseok’s shirt. Begging the alpha to stay with his hands instead of his words, like he can fix their love just by pressing his palms to hoseok’s back. if anyones hands had a healing touch they would be Yoongi’s.
“I’m sorry hope- I never would have been gone so long if there was any other way- you know me- I can’t leave someone who hurts alone, and then by the time it was done, we where- I was- she was-”
Yoongi is crying too hard to see, And Hoseok breaks too pressing his forehead to the beta and staying there. There are different kinds of shattering, you cannot heal completely from a bone that was never set- a re-breaking necessary. “If you want me to leave now, to walk out and never come back into your lives I’d understand completely but please- know that I’m sorry.”
Some acts of courage and love do not warrant words, do not need them to be honored so. And in the dining room next to the kitchen- in the house that Yoongi has worked so hard for- every nail and fresh coat of paint an act of love- the pack descends.
Hoseok goes first, wrapping his arms around Yoongi’s shoulders and pulling him close as possible, forcing the beta to bury his face in Hoseok’s chest. He looks so surprised, staring up at Hobi tentatively when the alpha takes his wrist and rubs it into Yoongi’s scent gland, marking him as his.
Then goes Namjoon, surrounding Yoongi’s back, both of them cradled safely by the pack alpha, then Jin, and so on until it’s just Jungkook who muscles his way closer to touch Yoongi. Fitting his shoulders under jin’s and tae’s, jostling for space “Come on Hyung’s don’t hog him,” is met with several wet laughs. it's hard to tell whose hand is touching who and whose lips are pressed to which skin.
Eventually, when Yoongi’s sobs have stopped, they quiet and settle back onto their heels. All but Yoongi and Hoseok stay intertwined. Yoongi’s still sitting, but Hoseok is standing before him, hair ruffled and body finally steady. “It’s okay, we’re okay, I understand.” Yoongi gulps back his panic. Holds on and buries his face in Hoseok’s stomach. Exhaling relief and something that tastes a lot like a new beginning.
"I understand." Hoseok repeats, like a prayer and a promise all in one.
It hits Hoseok what he's said, the victim blaming (that feels a little too much like it was self-directed). Hoseok hadn't only hurt himself with what he'd said-a a roundabout way of insinuating that he deserved the abuse too. You'd been unintentionally ruined by his shrapnel.
“Fuck Yoongi- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean any of what I said- I was just-” he breaks off, keenly aware of the rest of the pack turning their attention back to him and what he’d said.
Hoseok’s scent- which had mellowed to its usual caramel, spikes again to a burn. But Jimin’s there this time to stop it from getting worse. He touches Hoseok’s chin, tilting it to meet his gaze. “I'm sorry we didn’t realize you were feeling this way earlier, what’s got you acting like this? What can we do?”
It doesn’t matter that Hoseok's older; Jimin is still above him in the pack hierarchy. Hoseok ducks his chin submissively. Hoseok feels the gentle tugging of what can only be something like subspace pulling him down to rest his heavy head, and let the others look after him for a while.
With a pack so large- accidentally neglecting one or more members was something that was bound to happen at one point or another. But the others were usually so attentive to Hoseok in particular given his history.
“It's just- I don’t want to say that it felt like I wasn’t being loved- because that’s not it, it’s just- I was the last new thing you know?”
Everyone nods in understanding because they're all aware of what he means. You can’t compare physical and emotional abuse. But from the sound of it- you’d been through both. Both leave lasting imprints, and this- this is the remnant of Hoseok's abuse, the way he starts to curl himself into Namjoon and Jimin, but then stops. Like he's not sure he's allowed to ask for comfort now.
Namjoon looks stricken when he puts it together- pulling him in hard, hand on the back of his head. And Hoseok let’s the idea of it slip away, if he’s going to tell anyone he’s sorry- it should be you. “Fuck- you thought- you thought we were goanna kick you out if you didn't love her, didn't you?"
"Please- you don't have to- please don't think you have too" Yoongi counters. Looking stricken, because the last time someone told Hoseok that he had to love someone he was coerced into sex time and time again. And that’s the last thing any of them want.
They take his silence as answer enough, “I'm sorry we didn’t realize you were feeling this way earlier pup” Hoseok can't stop the tears that spark in his eyes; he just doesn’t like it when the pack alpha thinks that he’s not doing a good job- because really- Namjoon’s the best, the best pack alpha that they could all ask for.
He’s not looking at Hoseok like something that crawled out from beneath his shoe. He looks at Hoseok like he’s justified for feeling the way he did. And even Hoseok’s not sure if he really is.
But all in all, this fight is nothing that a few hours of cuddling (and a few non-pg activities) can’t fix. Even he has to admit that getting the truth off of his chest feels good. A bit of the tension melted away from his shoulders.
Later, as they’re leaving, the soup put away and their shoes put on to go home, hoseok pauses in the doorway Jimin behind him, hand on his lower back to guide him to the car.
"Should I- Can I apologize now?"
Both of them stare down the hall, in the direction of your nest room. The door remains closed, the house is silent, not even a sob or otherwise indiscernible noise coming from it. You might be on the other side of the planet for all their concerns.
Yoongi looks anxious but not quite as scared as he might have been at one point. Yoongi's hands slide from his shoulder to his wrist, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Not yet Hobi- give her some time okay, come back tomorrow?"
Hoseok leaves, carefully ushered out of the house by his pack mates who hold onto him like he’s something delicate and worth keeping. No one is angry at him- but Hoseok hopes a little bit that they might be. Namjoon lingers, looking out at the streetlights with Yoongi by his side, watching as Jungkook, Jimin, Hobi, and Tae get into their car and drive back to their apartment. Jin lingers, starting his car and letting it idle while he waits for Namjoon.
“You have something to say Joon?” Yoongi swallows preparing himself for the worst possible outcome. Which would be Namjoon saying something along the lines of, thank you- but I do not want you in my pack.
They stand and watch the streetlights. Watching Seokjin in the cabin of the car, tapping at something mindless on his phone. The younger pack mates will get Hoseok warmed up for them once they get home. They’ll probably shower and bathe him first with water and then with their scents.
But standing next to Yoongi- Namjoon feels like he can be Namjoon for a second and not the pack alpha that’s going to have to talk through every emotion with Hobi later.
Namjoon and Yoongi’s relationship has always been slightly contentious- they competed for Seokjin’s attention at the beginning, and then maybe a little for the title of most valuable to the pack. But they’re compliments, not the antithesis to each other.
And what is love other than a particular kind of envy.
Yoongi doesn’t have anything to fear. “Nothing,” Namjoon says, biting on his lip, “other than that you’re a good person, better really- than I think I thought you were. Way to make me jealous of you again Yoon”
“Oh,” Yoongi says, still watching the streetlights, blinking away something that looks suspiciously like tears. Namjoon’s just about to reply when the sound of your door opening startles them, they turn as you walk past them.
You’d probably assumed from the silence that they were all gone- but you’ve got the blanket wrapped around you the way that he’s seen before, like a little blue burrito. You freeze when you see them standing together. Your eyes are red and puffy like you’ve been crying.
He doesn't know that you felt the distress and utter despair down your mating bond when Yoongi cried earlier. Namjoon doesn't know how much that hurt; how it had felt like you’d physically been wounded. How hard it had been to Ignore every instinct to go and comfort your mate. How you expected your hands to come away bloody from your skin when you’d touched your mark.
Namjoon needs to know- needs to know how bad he’s fucked up. If the possibility of you joining his pack is firmly out of reach or if he should still try. Namjoon is good at one thing; and thats learning from his mistakes, this time- he asks you.
“Are you angry?” He doesn’t need to ask if you’re sad- figures by now that’s a given.
It takes you a second to unstick your jaw, the peanut buttery feeling is still there but honestly- you’d feel like shit anyway, no matter if you spoke or not. Your voice is rough, crackly. Something in your throat wounded. If Seokjin heard it he'd instantly make you a cup of tea.
“I would love to say I’m not hurt Namjoon, but the truth is I am.”
“He didn’t mean it- you know he was just frustrated with us- not you.” Yoongi winces, running his hands through the hair on the back of his neck.
“Joonie-“ Yoongi tries to interrupt but you silence him with a look.
“I don’t know if I believe that Namjoon, But thanks for trying. You’re a good pack alpha to them if it makes you feel any better; that’s what I think of you.”
“I could be a good pack alpha to you too.”
“Fuck- Joonie” Yoongi starts, but you turn on your heals, furious eyes filled with angry tears. Stepping toe to toe with him. Namjoon has the good grace to step back, you glare up at him, a foot shorter but miles scarier than the pack alpha infront of you.
“Don’t promise something you can’t give, Namjoon.” You jab your finger at his chest once, your finger bouncing against the hidden muscle there. “Don’t do what Yoongi did- don’t promise me your heart when it’s not even yours to give anymore.”
“Give us both time to cool off, I’m angry, he’s angry, and neither of us will apologize right now.”
Namjoon watches you walk back into your room, slamming the door again, he and Yoongi share a look, “Are you going to take the couch tonight?”
“Not a chance,” Yoongi says, leveling your door the same way he’s seen countless interns eye the operating room before the first time they step inside, equal parts fear and reverence.
Yoongi knows you're not really angry at him, more at the situation that you’re both in. He feels that anger too- normal people are so lucky, they get to meet and fall in love in normal circumstances. Not thrust together to survive like both of you.
You are both too used to surviving, and not used enough to this- to healing and trying to get better without the threat of death over your heads.
“Alright” Namjoon cannot delay the inevitable, Hoseok is going to need some reprimanding, and in a way that will make him forget about his mistakes and accept the fact that he’s deserving of love. Then he'll work on fixing things with you, one traumatized pack mate at a time.
“Goodnight?” he pulls Yoongi in for a hug, but the betas hands fist in his lapels he pulls Namjoon in close, just a brush of their lips, just a little, enough for him to feel the heat of the alpha and that’s it.
Namjoon’s chest heaves like he can breathe Yoongi in and keep him there forever. Nestled safely around his heart, like a cat would bathe in a pool of sunlight. Somehow he knows that Yoongi would keep it warm.
Going back to the apartment goes something like this;
By the time Namjoon gets home, Hoseok is sitting softly on the bed with shower-soaked hair, every time he moves a finger someone is there to stick him back where he was. Though he’s not crying he is hiccuping by the time that Namjoon gets to him. The pack alpha Undoes his belt buckle slowly, folds, and sets his jacket aside carefully. Taking his time, making Hoseok wait for it.
“Are you ready to tell me what you did wrong pup?” Hoseok is only capable of whimpers right now but that’s all right. Jimin gets on the bed, looking so fucked out already that Namjoon can’t help but wonder what happened in the shower that the 3 pups and Hobi shared. Hoseok's lips look suspiciously chapped, but it’s hard to tell if it’s from kissing someone or sucking on something.
He yanks on Hoseok’s hair to get his attention, turning his head to look at him- Hoseok goes pliantly, perfectly obedient to both alphas.
He doesn’t have to worry about being too rough, he knows what Hoseok likes during a scene. the whole pack has varying levels of involvement with the more BDSM part of their sex life. Though they engage just as often with vanilla sex, there are certain members (like Hoseok) that crave this kind of discipline and dynamic in bed.
Jimin and Hoseok talked it out and negotiated before they began- before they even left the car. Jimin is an incredibly particular Dom; which is part of the reason why he and namjoon work so well together. he sent Namjoon a breakdown text before he got home. Letting the pack alpha know what they'd both agreed on for tonight and any safe words they might need. Though Namjoon doubts it- they've done this kind of scene countless times before.
Hoseok has left himself in his pack mates' very capable hands, and these tears are nothing more than the frustration finally expelled, worked out of him by their careful hands. They fall over his cheeks and down his parted lips as Jimin yanks, manhandling him closer.
He remembers the sweet words Minnie whispered in his ears on the car ride home. “Tell me what you want, tell me what will make you feel better, tell me how to take you apart and put you back together again, anything- I’ll do anything for you.”
“I think I need to be punished.” Not want, need- Hoseok needs this to feel steady again.
If he started crying for real, showed even a hint of his safe word- Minnie would drag him out and into a night of softer things. This trust is just another facet of their love. Tonight Hoseok is burning with it.
He lets himself be moved, guided over the pack alphas' lap. Boxers pulled down to his knees, further adding to the feeling of restraint, he can barely even squirm. Jimin never lets go of his hands pinning them to the bed.
“You good in here baby?” Seokjin asks from the door. Watching the scene stretched out before him like he's watching the news. Somehow the closed nature of Jin's attention at two alphas disciplining a third makes Hoseok's blood burn harder.
“Love it when you call me baby” Hoseok answers, eyes hazy and not there at all. He’s fully hard and aching against Namjoon’s thigh but neither of the dom’s pays it any mind. Right now isn't about getting off- though it would be nice if that happened.
If Jin new he was hard, he’d tease, hobi almost wants to turn so that he sees. the laugh he gives Hobi in response is enough to have a hot lick of shame trailing down his back to where Namjoon gropes mindlessly at his thighs warming up the skin with firm touches. “Love you too Hobi, going to hear you yell it for me later yeah?”
Hoseok is breathless, pupils dark and dilated. “Yeah” Jimin pinches his cheeks, making his lips pucker. The mean little dominant jerks his neck up to look at him. Grinning and leaning down to press a gentle kiss to his lips, the lack of a proper kiss makes him whine higher.
The rest of the pack is still deep in the shower, and Jin goes to join, the happy cacophony of honey and cinnamon that spill out of the bathroom with Tae and Jungkook’s giggles is inviting. No wonder Hoseok looked so fucked out if they were smelling like that.
With Namjoon’s warm palms going up and down his back Hoseok relaxes into the sheets. “Now pup-“ Namjoon's tone makes him shiver. Most alphas would balk at the very idea of this, to submit to another goes against instincts but honestly, letting go of them makes Hoseok feel liberated. “Are you ready yet? Or do we need to let you squirm for another minute?”
Wrong- Hoseok’s whole body feels wrong; he turns his head away from Namjoon and Jimin and whines. It feels wrong that his alpha has to take time out of his own very busy day to correct Hoseok’s mistake. He soothes Hoseok by twining one large hand through his hair and gripping.
Hoseok has always been a fan of firm touches, especially on his hair, the delightful shivers rocket down his spine and lodges him firmly in the present. And they know that. He lifts his head out of the sheets so that Hoseok’s words won’t be mumbled like they were the first time. “Go on, tell us what you did wrong pup.”
“I yelled at someone who didn’t deserve it” the pack alpha makes a discontented noise, slapping his ass quickly, lightly- not enough to hurt. But still Hoseok answers with a sharp intake of breath, lips parted, eyes watering. Jimin leans down to kiss them off his cheeks, delicious. He’s sinking so fast, maybe a little too fast, but Namjoon and Jimin will always be there to catch him.
Namjoon tsks, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Humming a sound of displeasure. “And?"
“I-“ Hoseok swallows past the lump in his throat. Namjoon brings his hand down again and Hoseok moans. Squirming for stimulation that they won’t give him, “I-ah- didn’t tell anyone when I was feeling neglected”
“That’s a good pup” hearing that from his alpha makes Hoseok’s toes curl, he ruts forward half-heartedly, needy in his whines and actions. “How about ten more? How’s that sound sweetheart?”
“Color?” Jimin asks, Namjoon waits, sharing a look with the other alpha.
“Green” Hoseok answers clearly between hiccups, and they begin.
You wait until Yoongi’s asleep until his breath has evened out and his heartbeat- pounding underneath your cheek, has slowed to a sleepy thud. He’s a still sleeper, and despite the fact that he wakes easily, you’re able to pull away from him without much issue, though his hand reaches out a little, tensing as if to pull you back.
You’d talked it through what happened earlier, longer than you should have maybe, but you did need to get your stories straight, just so that you knew what they knew and what they didn't.
But after that, you'd been unwilling to talk to him about what you were thinking. Maybe he suspects something, Yoongi had badgered you a little, unable to keep from asking again and again, well aware that something was wrong but unable to demand that you tell him what was bothering you, what was weighing on you.
"Tomorrow, I'll tell you tomorrow I promise." you'd hidden your face from him in his shoulder, not risking letting him see fearing that he'd sense the lie. But eventually, Yoongi had sighed and said.
"Okay, I love you, you believe me when I say that right?"
"Of course I do, love you too."
It takes more strength than you ever thought to keep your scent and your breathing steady as you wait. Watching, making sure Yoongi is asleep you pour over everything he told you. how happy he looked, playing with your hands, a soft smile on his face, as he said, “i think we’re all going to be okay”
You keep repeating in your head that it’s good- it’s good that you didn’t wreck them. That they still have each other and that this fight sounds like the last they’ll have.
Especially because you’re leaving tonight.
They’ll heal from this, Just like he’ll heal from you. Yoongi is a strong man, he can handle anything especially with them around. With you gone there will be no chance of you fucking up their relationship again. This one year with Yoongi is all the love you’re allowed. You can’t be careless any longer, he doesn't deserve what you've done. This ends tonight.
But looking at him you can’t help but remember that this was so nice- this was the best thing you’ve ever had, and ever will have. but you’ve overstayed your welcome, his heart doesnt belong to you- and now you understand that it never did. maybe that would hurt more if you didn’t love him so much, if you didn’t want the best for him.
The best isn’t you.
It’s hard not to linger over the bed; He looks so gentle in your nest. Curled around a space shaped like your body. Rough hands delicately tucked beneath your pillow, blond hair spilling over your pastel sheets. His roots are beginning to grow out and without you here he won’t have a reason to dye it blond. Maybe he’ll keep it up just because you’re gone, In the futile hope that you’ll come back.
You don’t like the idea of that, you wish you left him without marks, just as whole and complete as he was before he left you. You wish your love hadn’t taken anything from Yoongi. But that mark- your mating mark, will always be at his hip.
Plenty of mates live apart from each other- you try to tell yourself. It happens sometimes- mating bites given in the heat of the moment during a rut or heat, people that grow apart despite the love and the bond. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why some mating marks go deeper than others. To make sure that people stay.
Yours doesn’t go deep enough then. This is the best option for both of you and Yoongi might not have the strength to tell you that you need to leave but you will for him. You linger, giving him one last long look before you creep out of the bed. You’ve learned which parts of the house squeak and which parts don’t, the floorboards are cool and smooth beneath your feet.
You and Yoongi have had panic bags packed since the first night you stayed here. Tucked away in the cabinet under the stairs for emergencies, in the event that you needed to run. Each black bag is complete with two changes of clothes, a first aid kit, and a freshly faked passport with a new name below your picture. A new identity and a new life primed for the taking.
There is also a gun and 10,000$ cash in each, which helps you feel safer as you pick them out of the darkness. You take the ammo from one bag and put it into the other as well as the smooth stacks of money. You can make 20,000 dollars last a long time. Long enough to find a job and an apartment somewhere- in a city far away from this one where no one- not even yoongi, will be able to find you.
You’ve already stashed a set of clothes that you change into in the entryway, leaving your pajamas on the kitchen table. The note you wrote earlier placed on top.
You penned it earlier while they talked. Tears streaming down your face that smudged the ink in places, a little too brief- you hope he won’t be too mad at you when he reads it.
“You know this is the only way I could prove that I really love you, right? Please don’t look for me. If you loved me at all, don’t try to find me. This is what’s best for both of us.
Don’t worry. I won’t let myself die.”
Because of course you couldn’t, even if what you really want is freedom. You won’t doom Yoongi to what you feel coming down Geumjae’s bond even now. That poison that you will never be able to rid yourself of no matter how hard you try. You won't kill yourself not because you want to live, But because you don’t want Yoongi to feel guilty over the fact that he couldn’t save you.
you can’t die, so It will be best if you’re just out of sight and out of mind.
“Thank you for the happiest time in my life, now go have yours for both of us okay? You have to promise me you'll let yourself heal with them.”
You don’t know if it will work, if he’ll stay away or if he’ll try to find you. But you can only hope that he won’t have to hurt so much over you, that he’ll be able to move on from this.
Without you here Yoongi won’t have any reason to tell them the truth and all of them will be safe. In a few months or whenever they decide to look below the waistband of his shorts, he’ll be able to tell them about the mating mark, and it won’t matter, without you here your mating mark won't drive a rift between them.
You hover in the doorway, snagging his sweatshirt from the hooks by the door. you lift it to your nose to find that it smells like him- sea salt and chocolate. And you think, with no small amount of anguish, that one-day you might not remember what your mate smells like.
Your choked sob is a little quiet, but still, you wipe your tears and put it on underneath your coat before you leave the house. Tucking the gun into your waistband, and covering it with the hem of the sweatshirt.
You close the door softly behind you. Your knees shake, and though you haven’t been outside in months, you pull up the hood on your sweatshirt and set off into the night.
You don’t look back.
By the time Hoseok pulls himself out of the hazy whole of subspace, he’s smack dab in-between Namjoon and Jungkook in the center of the nest. His lower half is faintly sticky, but that’s just from the wipes that they cleaned him up with.
He remembers jerking with sensitivity, and getting kisses for every clean pass he handled while staying still. Those crooned sentences with “good boy” tacked on at the end that always have the ability to turn Hoseok into a gooey mess, even when he’s not post scene.
Everything has mellowed out now, the youngest pack mate is wrapped around Hobi like a vine, Jungkook laps at his scent gland, tireless and sleepy motions, making a happy hum, the purring that's usually so low that no one can hear it. He’s sure he smells delicious by now- all caramel sweet and rich with arousal that’s dissipating. Hoseok’s body feels completely sated.
Namjoon’s not quite settled underneath him. Hoseok's leg is drawn over the hip of the pack alpha. The pack alpha lets out a sleepy grumble, nosing through his hair. Searching out as much of his happy scent as he can.
Out of all of them Namjoon is probably the most vulnerable to dropping after a scene, the most prone to doubt and an internalized fear that all dominants have; that what they do is inherently bad with or without consent. Dom drop is a very real concern.
Hoseok feels perfect- incandescent and whole, he feels loose-limbed and free of tension. If he looked down and found his skin dusted in starlight he wouldn’t be surprised. God- doing a scene feels fantastic. He loves that their relationship operates like this, that with a few careful words and touches (and a boatload of intimacy) they can make him feel this way. He’s got more energy right now than he has had in weeks.
But the rest of the pack is near completely asleep around him, curled up closer than usual. Their heavy breathes a lovely lullaby. Hoseok remains keyed up, a little hot with the pack alpha crowding him against the sheets, herding all his pack mates into one spot even in sleep. It’s a little cute but also a little annoying.
Hoseok is very awake, and he can't stop the waterfall tumble of his thoughts, pouring over everything- the fight- Yoongi’s confession. He can't stop picturing the way your face had fallen when he’d said what he said, like all the hope you had was swallowed up in a second. And then down came the mask, the darkness in your eyes, resigned to the way he was yelling at you.
Verbal abuse from an alpha is something you're clearly constantly prepared to take.
He hates to think that he’d made you feel afraid. That you’d struggled and he’d pushed you and set you back in your recovery tonight. It settles like an itch under his skin and sleep remains a mystery to him. The need to fix it, the need to correct his own mistakes only gets more intense as the minutes drag on.
He can’t help but look at the clock and wonder if you’re still awake.
He’s not the only one who's awake, Tae’s maneuvered himself near the head of the bed, his long and large hands rub a gentle pressure down Hoseok's neck, massaging his scent gland in a careful soothing rhythm. He’s not quite set back on his feet either, still something a little off.
This morning (which now seems like a lifetime ago) Hoseok had been sure there was something wrong with Tae, and whatever that is hasn’t been abated by the fight. He opens his mouth to ask Tae what’s wrong but the other alpha taps his lips closed.
Across the bed, Jimin curls closer to Jin. The smallest alpha climbing on top of the omega who wakes briefly then settles back into the nest. Hand blindly reaching out to fluff at the parameter- not unlike the way a kitten might kneed a blanket.
They spend half an hour in companionable silence, enjoying the feeling of having nearly all their pack mates breathing deep and steady, safe in the confines of the nest. Tae lets Hoseok try and fall asleep before he leans over him, dragging a kiss over his forehead and down his cheek to whisper in his ear, trying to keep quiet for the others, but they're all used to accidentally being woken up.
Hoseok can’t help but open his eyes and appreciate Tae from this angle, though he’s always been beautiful, delicate, and strong. The perfect alpha; the perfect man.
Before Hoseok would have said something like “I’ll never be as perfect Tae” but now he believe that one-day with the right effort he will be. (It’s not perfect but it’s a start.)
“Why can you sleep, honey? Usually, you’re the first to fall asleep.” he whispers, lips brushing his ear
“I was about to ask you the same thing, Just thinking,” he fidgets, and Taehyung’s waits for Hoseok to answer. “You think it would be bad if I went there and apologized now? I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I make things right?Hoseok thinks that he might not be able to sleep until he makes the situation with you and Yoongi completely right. “why can’t you sleep tae?”
Taehyung’s looks around the room, judging for a moment. The way his eye bags catch the shadows doesn't escape Hoseok’s notice. How many nights has Tae stayed up like this? How many nights had Hobi fallen asleep below him, completely unaware that he was kept awake by whatever weighs on his shoulders?
Tae holds himself like he’s trying to make himself smaller, hands folded delicately, prettily even. It looks like whatever it is that bothers him weighs a lot. Tae’s eyes are bright when he looks back at hobi.
“Jungkook has Joonie- and Jin has Jimin, if you honestly think there isn’t a risk for sub drop, then I think is fine if you go over there, Yoongi won’t mind being woken up, and neither will y/n, at least I don’t think so,”
“But if i’m gone whose got you Tae?”
Tae’s smile is brittle, more of a grimace really “i’ll be fine, i’d rather you deal with whats keeping you up.”
“So there is something keeping you awake.” Hobi’s not accusatory. Just a little worried. Tae’s eyes are wide, like he didn’t mean to say what he just did.
Jin grumbles from across the nest, clearly he hasn’t heard their most recent exchange. He’s the kind of person who wakes up easily but falls asleep just as quickly. Probably heard the first part and not the last.
“As long as you’re sincere she won’t mind, she’ll believe you. She just likes honesty,” he grumbles, smacking his lips. He looks like he’s judging something. Lips pouting, “But if you don’t leave in the next five minutes I will forcibly confine you to my nest, so you better get moving pup if you want to apologize tonight,”
Tae laughs, giggling enough that the bed shakes a little, more than one member in the nest stirs. “I’ll be fine, just go” the happiness looks good on Tae, not forced (but maybe he’s just good at hiding whatever he’s hiding, maybe he just has years of practice). He relaxes back into the bed and when Hobi detangles himself from jungkook, jin immediately pulls Tae in.
the pack omegas eyes open, and he stares at Hobi- lucid for a second, blinking slowly. But by the time Hoseok has detangled himself from Namjoon and Jungkook they’ve all resettled, tae tucked under jin’s arm.
Tae gives him a heavy-lidded look. Already looking more relaxed “Take your phone and text me when you get there okay? You gonna take your car?”
“No” Hoseok decides, a split-second decision. “It’s a nice night- I might as well walk, I’ve got a lot of thoughts anyway, Might give me some time to sort them out.”
Jin and Tae talk softly as hoseok pulls on a sweatshirt, if he listened, he’d be able to hear:
(Do you think in other worlds we find each other like this? other realities? do you love me no matter the story hyung? This is Taehyung’s favorite bedtime story. Sometimes its easy to forget that he’s just as much a pup as Jungkook is.
Yes, we have to, no other way. Won’t let anything separate us. Not even time.
Do you think we find her too?
I hope so Tae, I really hope so).
Hoseok leaves the apartment building; his large jean jacket drawn over his pajamas and there’s no use for changing. He doesn’t mind being seen in them. Though he does have to roll them up around the hips to stop his pants from being caught under his heals. they might be Namjoon’s pjyamas, the pack tends not to discriminate.
The skin of his ass aches, a lovely reminder of his pack mate's care. He’ll feel it for the next few days, but it won’t be an unwelcome sensation just a reminder of the care and love they have for him. The night air is cold, the buildings above him speckled with lights of people not yet asleep. It’s not that late, only nearing 1 am so you might still be awake. Hoseok will wait on the porch all night if he has too, will sleep on their couch if you won’t wake for him.
Hoseok lets the rhythm of his own feet draw him closer and closer; he knows the way back to the house and only has to check his phone a few times. While he walks he tries to compose sentences in his head, all that he wants to say and all that he might tell you.
“I'm sorry I didn’t meet you as a person but as an enemy” Nah that’s too much like a movie script.
“I'm sorry, I won’t get in the way of your love story if you don’t get in the way of mine?” too cynical.
“New beginnings? Can we start again? is there still a chance that things don’t have to be so bad? I didn't mean what I said to you, and I know being angry doesn't excuse it but, it wasn't your fault and i’ll never take my emotions out on you again. I promise."
And then maybe a confession- if he's deserving of it. Though it’s might be a little selfish to talk about his own trauma when they should be focusing on yours. "I didn't mean to blame you for being a victim, i was honestly projecting, did Yoongi ever tell you about my first pack?"
Hoseok gets lost in thought, doesn't have to look down at his GPS. Unlike you, on the opposite street, looking down at your phone so intently you don’t even notice when you pass in front of hoseok.
Hoseok almost shouts your name, so surprised that he recognizes you by your shuffling gait, but it’s definitely you- your face lit from below by your phone screen. He momentarily forgets where you are.
He's never seen you leave the house, let alone on this side of the city. Or this late at night, and without Yoongi- where? Where are you going? why are you-
It’s hoseok’s turn to feel nauseous, He doesn't mean to follow you- not really, but he doesn't want to startle you by shouting or make you run off. Hoseok is good at cataloging information, your black backpack, the jacket of Yoongi’s, you’re leaving. Going somewhere. Fleeing in the dead of night to get away from them.
He doesn’t have time too feel guilty about his hand in this, there is no other good explanation for why you’re here right now. He has to stop you.
He sees your hand reach up to wipe your cheek, and narrowly misses being spotted when you look around, ducking behind a street corner. Not sure why, but he feels like if you spot him you’ll run. And the last thing Hoseok wants to do is chase you down.
He holds his breath until he realizes where you’re going, suspicions confirmed as you near the train station that runs through the center of town. Pocketing your phone when you spot it. He sucks on his lower lip as he watches you climb the steps up and over the tracks.
It’s not the kind of train that’s like a subway, no barricade to jump, just a machine kiosk that you pump 2 bils into and click at your destination. Hoseok doesn’t see which one, Just watches you take the ticket and head in the direction of the platform.
He doesn't need to buy one for himself to follow you, just makes sure he doesn’t get too close, You walk down to the end of the tracks and he ducks behind advertisements when you glance back. You don’t sit but stand on the edge of the tracks.
His hood up, he watches you stop to wait. A growing feeling of dread in his stomach popping like a bubble, the speakers overhead announce that there are only 5 minutes until the next train. it’s now or never.
You still haven’t seen him yet; don’t know he’s there. Hoseok lingers, walking close to you, quiet, his beat-up shoes near silent on the concrete. He doesn't want to shout your name and startle you, worried about making you jump. you’re only a foot back from the edge of the tracks. He gets closer, sees your hand tighten in your pocket.
And reaches out to tap your shoulder.
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