#mlle kurtz

[kmackatie]

1 and 10 for the ask meme 💜

thanks for the ask, friend!

1. what's the fic you're most proud of?

I don't think it will be a surprise, but it's currently the breath before the phrase, due to how much I learned about myself with it and how much I grew as a writer through it. I did not think I had the ability to write anything close to novel length, and then I just went and wrote something longer than The Two Towers and somehow had it be coherent and an actual story. There's things I would change if I did it again, but I learned a lot about my approach, to structuring, and just believing in myself through it. It also features heavily themes that I hold so dear in my life: finding joy in the small things and learning how to rest. That, along with the number of very lovely comments from readers who engaged with classical music or found their way back to classical music means it's one I hold dear.

10. how has writing positively impacted your mental health or overall mood?

It has become so much a part of a thing that brings me joy day to day, even if I'm not actively working on a project. It's connected me to a community and to very dear friends, and I am truly thankful that I took the chance to give it another crack two years ago. It's helped me grow as a person, as a creative, and has given me such a sense of accomplishment of being able to look back and see progress and little parcels of joy.

ask me a deep fic writer ask

#my writing #deep fic writer asks #mlle kurtz #thank you my friend

[aeor-is-for-reccing]

Happy Birthday, Aeor is For Reccing!

One year ago today (give or take a couple hours), we published our first rec list. To celebrate, I (Opera) have prepared some stats. A little bit like a reccing wrapped, only with a smaller budget and being less creepy about your data.

But thank you to everyone who has recced, every one who has read the reclist, everyone who has reblogged, everyone who has kudosed, to @professor-rye and @theusualjasper, and everyone who helped along the way.

I'm glad we've gotten this far!

To start: We've had 685 recs, 478 fics, 210 Authors, 53 reclists and 43 themes.

Most Recced Authors: (1) Mousecookie - 25 recs (1) royalgreen - 25 recs (3) SaltCore - 21 recs (4) hanap - 15 recs (5) kmackatie - 14 recs (5) Chrome - 14 recs (5) Firefright - 14 recs (8) Mlle Kurtz - 12 recs (9) road_rhythm - 11 recs (9) MinnesotaBruja - 11 recs (9) LuckyOwlsFoot - 11 recs (9) MarsBar2019 - 11recs

Authors with the most fics recced: (1) royalgreen - 18 fics (2) SaltCore - 13 fics (2) hanap - 13 fics (4) Mousecookie - 12 fics (5) kmackatie - 10 fics (5) LuckyOwlsFoot - 10 fics (7) Firefright - 9 fics (7) Jakia - 9 fics (9) Professor_Rye - 8 fics (9) Mlle Kurtz - 8 fics

Fics recced the highest number of times: Hard Mouth and The Hole in the Stone, both recced 8 times Fic recced the most number of times for a single theme: In the Closet of Our Discretion, by Firefright for Cultural Differences (recced 4 times) Longest fic recced: Dappled Shadow and Penumbral Light by Professor_Rye (463,977) Shortest fic recced: Of Constellations and Freckles, also by Professor_Rye (100 words) First fic Recced:  Stay for a Spell by Palebluedot Latest fic Recced: Uncharted Waters by EmpressofWizards

Word Cloud based on what people like about the fics:

Most common content note: Choose Not To Warn Number of Series recced: 16 Percentage of Hidden Gems that are No Longer eligible (have over 150 kudos):  48% (check them out!) Number of Images Rai has Used: 27

So what's next?

Well, the absolute next thing is that sometime this week I'm going to post the reccing spreadsheet for everyone to see - if people want to look through old recs, they should feel free to! Then there's the ideas I had from the survey a few months ago - chief among them was making it easier to import information from AO3 (you'd still be able to rec fics that can't be imported or on tumblr, I'm just trying to remove some of the hassle) I'm still doing research on the best way to make that happen, and kind of selfishly want to do it myself - but it's been a busy couple of months for me.

Speaking of which - I'm having surgery in a month! A double masectomy and reconstruction on February 19 (roughly equivalent to top surgery (masculinizing)) and February 20th (roughly equivalent to top surgery (femininzing- fat grafting)). Kind of like they're turning my chest on and off again - a ctrl-alt-deteat, if you will. Anyway, I don't want cancer, but everyone I've talked to about this has said the stomach incision is worse than the chest incision, and nobody's ever described top surgery as a walk in the park. I'm planning on doing absolutely nothing for six weeks, and @theusualjasper will be taking over during that time.

Anyway, here's to another year! Thanks to everyone who has participated or helped along the way, you're all great. Even you <3

#not a rec list #shadowgast #shadowgast recs #stats

[mllekurtz]

I was tagged by my favourite poltergeist @racketghost ♥

birthday: 4/4, the day we’re supposed to reopen the cages, here, even if it probably won’t happen.

zodiac: Aries, but I cannot stress enough how inaccurate that is.

last song listened to: (this is embarrassing) Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani. Look, I’m home alone, I have too much time on my hands and was hit by a wave of nostalgia. I can have a bad ‘00 album on in these trying times. As a treat.

hobbies: I have a very bad case of “Oh, this thing looks cool, I’m gonna do it too” and I’ve picked up a bazillion hobbies through the years. Now mainly reading, writing, knitting, cross-stitching, archery, bookbinding, origami. I used to translate subtitles for free. My family is very crafty on my dad’s side and we’ll teach each other every new skill we learn.

last movie you watched: from beginning to end, 1917.

dream job: I love my job, but sometimes I wish I were a crafter, designing knitting patterns and having all the yarn I could ever want. Maybe in a cottage in the woods.

meaning behind url: it’s a pun. On Conrad. I was a very pretentious francophile when I was 23 and things haven’t changed much. The Mlle stands for “Mademoiselle” and the Kurtz is just Heart of Darkness’ Mr Kurtz.

top 4 ships: there are the Ineffables and then everything else with that dynamic, you know? The dynamic.

reading: I’m still reading Francesco Costa’s essays about the US, one page per day. Slowly but surely.

what food are you craving right now? Good ol’ pizza.

Tagging 

[aeor-is-for-reccing]

Shadowgast Recs: Scourger AUs

This week we have an even dozen recs for a darker type of shadowgast - Scourger/Evil AUs!

ties that bind by wytch-lyghts (72058, Explicit) Warnings: None Mutual manipulation as both play for the upper hand, until the slow shifting of allegiances. Reccer says: It’s a great series of fics that pose interesting questions of loyalty and who holds the leash. Very enjoyable!

Birds of Prey by Mlle Kurtz (91852, Explicit) Warnings: Marked as a mix of no warnings and creator choose not to apply warnings, so definitely read the tags on each fic A series of Bren/Essek fics as they come together and fall apart, exploring trust, dependency, and delicious questions of morality. Reccer says: This is such a detailed look at an alternative set of circumstances with nuance and incredible characterisation. The writing is gorgeous, the sex is hot, and it’s worth a read!

Bound in Anticipation by AmerValk (24426, Explicit) Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Graphic Depictions of Violence, it's very dark, not really a happy ending Bren is a Volstrucker and becomes Essek's captor. Essen tries to handle the situation while Bren toys with him. Reccer says: It's a really intriguing dynamic between Bren and Essek.

darkness, walk with me by magisterpavus (18856, Explicit) Warnings: graphic depictions of violence - more specifically, torture by magic. not between caleb or essek essek is a prisoner of scourger!bren and agrees to share knowledge in exchange for bren's body/company. a little bit of torture, a lot of bratting and edging. Reccer says: i ADORE their dynamic in this and how sharp both of their minds are. they're intelligent, dangerous, and sexy, and they have the most unhealthy dynamic. 10/10 no notes

A Secret Only to Condemn by hanap (10812, Explicit) Warnings: under-negotiated kink, angst, unhappy ending Bren and Essek end their arrangement, but not before having sex one last time. Reccer says: Do you like sadness and people who have done horrible things having feelings for one another that they would never speak aloud? Because this is the fic for you!

The Altar of Verisimilitude by marsastronomica (marswithghosts) (9877, Explicit) Warnings: Author Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings - read the tags and A/N What if Bren didn't break and Astrid and Eadwulf met Nott the Brave instead? This is a fascinating read into a Bren/Essek au that touches on some of the darker depths. Reccer says: This author’s writing is always incredibly stunning in the world-building of what is said with each line, and this one is no different interesting show-build of character moments, a richly detailed world, and snippets into seeing how out-of-his-depths Essek really is.

Wants & Needs by Cardinal_Daughter (11604, Explicit) Warnings: Creator chose not to use Archive warnings, some dubious content/nonconsent (not between Bren and Essek) Bren and Essek plan and plot how they will travel back in time and fix things Reccer says: Despite the author's own warnings, it's a very soft fic, two people in a situation they don't like actively working to get out of it.

the space in between by KmacKatie (9120, Explicit) Warnings: None Bren and Essek are in a mutual manipulation game, each trying to get the upper hand while Essek is operating with far less facts than Bren. Both are in deeper than either cares to admit. Reccer says: The shifting power plays and dynamics speak to a much wider world and history, the banter is sharp and fun, and the sex is just another card in the game that they are both playing.

A Fair Exchange by Firefright (4135, Teen) Warnings: None Bren discusses future plans with Essek after disposing of his former teacher. Reccer says: It's oddly sweet and in character, considering these are very evil versions of Essek and Caleb. They talk around their feelings but still manage to like each other.

reflections and other illusions of control by atlasarcana (15022, Explicit) Warnings: No warnings for first fic. Dubcon for fics 2 and 3 in the series, and graphic depictions of violence in fic 3. Caleb and Essek summon an echo, but the timeline they get is Bren, not Caleb. They proceed to negotiate a BDSM scene between Essek and Caleb's scourger alter-ego, like any reasonable couple who's had issues spicing up their sex life would. Reccer says: The delicious contrast between Caleb and the person he could have become, some delightful gender fuckery, absolutely brilliant writing, and a fascinating character study. Also, the rest of the series feature some very hot sex.

And then these two have two recs each!

the shadow of a truth by royalgreen (allyoop) (2184, Explicit) Warnings: Temporary Character Death, Ambiguous Ending, Dubious Consent Bren is sent on a mission to kill the Shadowhand. He ends up biting off more than he can chew. Reccer 1 says: It's a short one, but it still manages to have the power plays and competing arrogance that I love in Scourger AUs Reccer 2 says: Bren is so very confident, right until he isn't. And Essek is PERFECT, so ruthless and entirely in control of the situation.

Breaking Inertia by futureshieldmaiden (31096, Teen) Warnings: None Scourger Bren tries to use a Beacon to go back in time, and creates a time loop. He has to work with Shadowhand Essek Thelyss to break out of it. Reccer 1 says: It's a very fun read, with a couple of twists and turns. I love the use of time loops to get closer and learn about the other person, and this was a great version of it. Reccer 2 says: I love the slow burn between these two, working together on a shared goal, and how their relationship develops and changes over time. I also love it's the two of them against the Assembly, instead of Scourger Bren betraying Essek for Ikithon, which seems to be the more popular flavor for Scourger AUs.

All recs were provided by Aeor is for Lovers, an 18+ Shadowgast Discord server. Have any questions about what this is? Check out the FAQ! Next week’s theme are fics that involve gifting, so check back next week!

#shadowgast #critical role #cr fic recs #evil au recs #shadowgast fic #caleb widogast #essek thelyss

[kmackatie]

Originally asked by @mllekurtz forever ago, here is another non-sexual intimacy prompt. All and any mistakes in this one are my own. I will probably find them all the minute I hit post.

request a prompt here

20 - tracing designs on arms Shadowgast, post canon established relationship, canon compliant, 801 words, cw: Caleb-specific trauma

Caleb flinches, the first time Essek’s fingers brush under the edges of his shirt sleeves. It’s barely a graze, Essek’s fingertips touching for less than three seconds, but it’s enough for him to feel the raised skin before Caleb twitches away. He knows about the scars, has seen them enough times since the Xhorhas, since Aeor, but it’s the first time he’s touched them.

It’s accompanied by Caleb’s intake of breath, the only sound beyond the crackling of the fireplace next to them.

Essek’s hands hover over Caleb’s palms, not quite touching but not withdrawing, waiting with patience. His eyes scan Caleb’s face, across Caleb’s closed eyes, the faint flush that is across his cheeks, the red hair falling around him. It’s a face he is learning to know as intimately as his own, and he can see the tension under the blank expression.

He knows a little of the past, of where they came from and why. The anger and guilt he had, as raw as if he had been there, and still the ever-present acceptance that without it they would not be here.

Caleb’s eyes flick open, and Essek waits until his piercing blue eyes meet his own. He sits there, kneeling opposite, and waits, unflinching. It takes a long moment for Caleb’s gaze to settle, to remain on his before Caleb gently raises his hands and makes contact with Essek’s open palms.

Caleb’s hands are warm. They are always so warm compared to Essek’s cool ones, the gift of human circulation and a penchant for fire. He takes advantage of it at every opportunity, and if Caleb realises why he frequently finds reasons to clasp their hands, he doesn’t let on.

Essek wraps his fingers around Caleb’s, thumb brushing carefully across the base of his palm.

“Can I tell you what I see?” he asks, waiting for Caleb to nod his consent.

“Ja.”

“I see hands that protect, that have learned to protect and make decisions about those he loves. I see hands capable of creating the sublime through their ability with magic, delicate and precise, decisive in the weaving of threads. I see hands that are gentle, that caress and explore, that are revenant as if they hold the world between them.”

Caleb’s hands grip his back tighter at each admission, at each truth that Essek speaks.

Essek lets them go and slides his palms up to Caleb’s forearms. He squeezes once, before letting go and rolling back the cuff of Caleb’s sleeve. Feeling Caleb tense under him, Essek flicks his eyes up to Caleb’s face, for any sign that Caleb wants him to stop. There is hesitation, anxiety, and fear on Caleb’s face, but there is also openness and trust and a weight of understanding in his eyes.

One of Essek’s hands cradles the back of Caleb’s elbow, while the fingers of the other trail over the inside, slowly moving down. The skin is rough, each mark standing out under Essek’s fingers.

“I see hands that had their agency taken from them, that were coerced into doing terrible things that they had no choice of. I see hands that cared, that have never stopped trying to right the wrongs delivered by them, through them.”

Essek leans forward, lips brushing the inside of Caleb’s wrist, lingering over the pulse point. He thinks he can feel Caleb’s life through it, through the connection of it. He draws back, eyes flicking back to Caleb’s.

Caleb licks his lips, pupils blown wide and unblinking as he stares at Essek.

Letting go, Essek repeats the action of rolling up Caleb’s other sleeve, fingers tracing over the lines of Caleb’s forearms, featherlight and deliberate. He sees Caleb’s eyes slip closed again, the shallow rise and fall of his chest. He leans down and presses a kiss to the wrist, to the forearm, to the crook of Caleb’s elbow.

“I see hands that have grown, that are not the same as they were, but are no less you. I see hands that I love, attached to a man that I love, that I would not give up for anything.”

There’s a shudder of breath from Caleb, and heaving of shoulders as silent tears started to roll down his cheeks. Essek fingers dance across Caleb’s skin, fingertips mapping every inch of them and committing them to memory. Essek thinks he would be able to identify Caleb’s forearms by touch alone by these marks.

“You did not accept defeat then. Do not accept it now, not when everything is a testament to the path you have trodden, and the lives you have touched, Caleb Widogast.”

“Essek—”

“Shh, my love,” says Essek, smiling as he leans forward and kisses Caleb on the forehead, hands letting go to cup his cheeks. “I have you. I have you.”

#shadowgast #critical role #essek thelyss #caleb widogast #critical role fanfic #the mighty nein #cr: fanfic #my writing #writing prompt #non-sexual intimacy #ficlet #mlle kurtz #ask katie #katie replies

[kmackatie]

For the non-sexual intimacy prompts: 20 (tracing designs on arms) and/or 121 (touching affectionately without asking) for shadowgast 💜

Hello friend! Thank you for the prompts - same dealio as before, will probably get to the second one eventually and will post separately.

request a prompt from this list here

121 - touching affectionately without asking shadowgast, post canon, 611 words, no content warnings apply

He isn't sure when it starts. Or rather, he isn’t sure when it starts again.

He knows when it started before, but then it always had a purpose, an intent or a goal. There was manipulation on both sides, Caleb’s was just more overt.

Maybe it starts again in the bowels of a ship, a kiss pressed to a forehead, a hand grasping his. Or maybe it is a hand clasping an arm reminding him to breathe, fingers brushing as components were gifted, or hands gripped in what he assumed were final moments.

But he finds he comes to like it, that he looks forward to the moments when Caleb holds a hand out to help him stand from wherever they had been sitting, the fingers that brush against his back as he beckons Caleb to look at a passage in a text book, a hand wrapped around his for a moment when handing over a mug of tea. It emboldens Essek to reach out, to brush the hair back from where it’s fallen across his forehead, to rest his hand on Caleb’s shoulder as he passes by just because he wants. Because he knows it will be appreciated and leaned into.

They learn to communicate through touches. They learn to communicate through words as well, through shared spells and knowledge, but Essek savours their touches. Maybe it’s the fact he has had so few of them. It’s not common in the Dynasty to have casual touches with someone you weren’t married to. From what he knows, it’s not even common to have them with someone you are married to. He can barely recall the last moment that he was truly held, before Jester came along. Before Caleb.

It’s the arm that automatically opens when Caleb is sitting on the couch, expecting Essek to curl up against his side and tuck his feet into the edges. It’s the way Essek always knows when Caleb is about to wake, so he threads his hands through Caleb’s hair and strokes gently. The times Caleb falls asleep, half on top of him on those lazy afternoons, and Essek can’t help but hold him close, his heart beating fast at the open trust Caleb has in him.

But it’s more than that. It’s also the moments where Caleb holds his hands, as his own fatalism spirals and he needs the grounding. How he tugs Caleb’s fingers away from his forearms, when the past looms and looks all encompassing. It’s when Essek sits in a courtroom, disguised, with his hand not moving from its place on Caleb’s back through every moment until they can leave, Caleb pulling Essek close and burying his face against his shoulder.

It’s the linking of arms, of hands, as they walk. Of how Caleb holds a hand out and it’s just expected that Essek will take it, that he doesn’t have to ask for it.

It’s a gift, and Essek doesn’t think he will ever be able to convey just how much it is treasured with words.

So he doesn’t. But he makes sure to squeeze Caleb’s palm when he threads their fingers together. Makes sure that there’s always space for Caleb to tuck his legs under when they share the couch. That he’s there when Caleb wakes, and when on those rare occasions he doesn’t feel like trancing upright, he tucks into Caleb’s side and it’s always welcoming and always warm.

As he cups Caleb’s cheek, holds his face between his hands and presses his own kiss to Caleb’s forehead, he decides it doesn’t matter how or when it started. They have time after all. There’s no need to rush.

#shadowgast #critical role #essek thelyss #caleb widogast #cr: fanfic #ficlet #writing prompt #my writing #non-sexual intimacy prompts #mlle kurtz #ask katie #katie replies #the mighty nein