Wants Within | S. Shinazugawa | Chapter 24
✦ Sanemi Shinazugawa x femReader!, college au, reader is adult
✦ Synopsis: You're a college student taking classes with a very strict lecturer- professor Shinazugawa. Because of an unfortunate event you got on his bad side so now you're trying everything to regain in his eyes. Well, you most certainely didn't expect that kind of attention.
✦ Word count: 1,3k
18+, minors do not interact
You walked slightly past Sanemi, looking at him from time to time but he seemed deep in his thoughts. You wanted to ask if he needed help, if he wanted to vent out, tell you something, but you were not in the position to do it. You were the one that started the topic and destroyed the whole date. You are the one that lied to him.
‘’I’ll tell you, but only once so you better fucking listen.’’ Suddenly he stopped and looked you in the eye, like a predator spotting his prey.
You quickly nodded your head, now even knowing what he was about to say.
‘’I never told it to anyone so you better…’’ He really didn’t know.
In his eyes you looked so… small. Too small to scold and throw anger at.
‘’But… should I…’’ You tried to tell him something but it was hard. ‘’Should I be the one to know your… secret?’’ You were still filled with guilt and shame. Right now you felt like the last person to be honoured with his honesty.
‘’Yes, out of all… you should be the one.’’ The white haired lit up your heart a bit once more. You did not anticipate something like that. ‘’Because you’re the only one that had the guts to admit guilt to my very face.’’
Your eyes traced his features in awe. You never thought he read the situation like that. What human would even make a point like that? You just told him that you’re a dirty eavesdropper and he thanks you for your honesty? What is this? A Monty Python sketch?
‘’I can’t believe it.’’ You speaked up. ‘’You’re just… one in a kind. How can you thank and trust me after what I just admitted to.’’
‘’I’ve already told you, now listen if you can… because I’m fucking sad.’’ He started walking again, at a slightly faster pace.
Now, the enchanted forest around you turned into a more eerie one.
‘’I met Kanae and Shinobu at the uni, when we were younger. There was a bigger group of friends that some of you may know. We were all on the same track, trying to be future professors at the university that you go to. You do recall Rengoku and Tengen I believe.’’ You nodded your head, their faces appearing in your imagination. ‘’Yeah, they were also in the picture. I guess I kinda flirted with her, ah screw it, I did very much flirt with her and she liked the attention. Shinobu didn’t, she always had THE balls to tell what was on her mind. She didn’t like me from the start. ‘He looks like a punk, he’ll likely be out of the uni in no time, look at Rengoku, he’s so well-mannered.’ That’s what she babbled all the time about. At one point I even argued with Rengoku until he told me that he’s not interested in Kanae. Heh, funny, at that time he also told me that in his opinion, Kanae is not the best for me. Of course I didn’t listen. She was, and still is, beautiful. And that’s kinda all she has, sorry to say that. At least that’s what I think. She has no moral spine and interests of her own. The worst part is that the two of them act like they’re one organism. They also have an adopted smaller sister that’s mannered just like them. Kanao, that’s her name.’’
What? Was it that Kanao, the one that shittalked you?
‘’We went to parties together, drinked together, talked at the uni. One thing led to another and I asked her if she wants to be my girlfriend. We started dating and at first it was okay, I just kinda ignored Shinobu. I thought Kanae was the one in charge of their sisterly relationship. Now, I don’t know for sure. It’s not like Shinobu orders Kanae to do things but she has that little, shitty strategy of whispering things to her ear. At first I thought it was just Shinobu being Shinobu, I thought that Kanae disagreed with her, but she didn’t. She very much agreed.’’ A long breath escaped his lips. ‘’They both had a similar opinion about me and Kanae thought she could shape me just like she wanted to, and like Shinobu wanted to. That I would change for her, for them. And guess what? I didn’t want it. I have a lot of flaws, plenty, but I like myself. Before I realised that I already proposed. I bent down to the pressure of their constant talk. ‘He should propose already. You could do so much better. If he doesn’t propose it means he’s cheating.’ Ah, I don’t even want to remember all of that.’’
His pace slowed down, mimicking the sinking of his voice and weight in his heart. All of these hurtful memories flashed over him once again like a stormy sea.
‘’The story isn’t extreme. We just didn’t agree and I ignored all the red flags. I ended things once I was fed up. I thought we would just part and that’s all but once again I was wrong. They can’t get over it, bombarding me time and time again. The relationship got more heated after the breakup. The rest I think you’re aware of because you heard Shinobu talking back then, you know what they accuse me of.’’
‘’And is it true? Any one of their accusations?’’ You didn’t know where the sudden courage came from but it did and you asked this question.
One part of you believed Sanemi, yet, there was a small digit that couldn’t let go of women's solidarity.
‘’I promise I’m hundred percent true right now.’’ The white haired stopped in his tracks, you faced him. ‘’At that time I did love Kanae, in some way. I never did anything to purposely hurt her. And I never will, I’m better than that.’’
Although it was painful to hear him talk about his love for another woman, you understanded him. Feelings change and it may be a good sign that he doesn’t deny his past emotions in the light of the present situation. He’s honest with you and with himself.
You nodded your head, looking to the ground and started to stroll once more. After a while of silence that helped the both of you process everything that just happened you started once again in a quiet and unsure voice.
‘’I’m sorry I ruined the date, you must have taken some time to prepare this.’’
‘’You didn’t ruin it.’’ His voice flared up hope in your slightly wounded heart. ‘’Dates are for people to get to know each other. That’s what we are doing. Getting to know each other. You should love not only my hot abs, sexy smile and mesmerising personality but also all of my cuts and scars, baby.’’
‘’Are you sure you’re twenty something, cuz sometimes you speak like a wise, old, old, old man.’’ How come he always made you laugh, even if it was a smile lined up with pain?
‘’Are you sure you’re twenty something because sometimes you act like a fucking brat.’’ He spat back.
‘’First, don’t steal my lines. Second, aren’t you a brat tamer, hon?’’ You wiggled your stretched pointing finger in front of his face in a pretentious manner.
‘’Hon?’’
You acted as if you didn’t hear it, turning your back to him and walking down the path, hips swaying from right to left in your victory lap. In an instant you felt the weight of his arm around your shoulders.
‘’I need to say, you would also do good in taming.’’ You looked him in the pale, violet eye, his face inches from your. ‘’Taming me.’’
SERIES MASTERLIST
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I created this blog on August 11, 2020. At that time, I had barely started my journey into British comedy. I mean, some stuff I’d known for most of my life. My dad showed me the Monty Python movies + Flying Circus when I was much too young to understand them, but just barely old enough to find anything at all funny in them, enough to insist on watching them over and over, until I got old enough to get more out of it. I think I may have actually been too young to understand quite a bit of the English language when he first showed me Mr. Bean, but I could still understand some of the slapstick stuff. I was slightly older, but still quite young (maybe 8 or 9) when he got me into the shows of which my parents had every episode on DVD, and I’d watch them over and over and over for years: Blackadder, Fawlty Towers, Ripping Yarns, Yes Minister/Yes Prime Minister.
My dad showed me The Thick of It not long after it first started airing, when I was around 15 years old. I quickly became hooked. A while later, he took me to see In the Loop in our local independent theatre, just after it was first released. My Armando Iannucci obsession grew from there.
My dad had all of The Goon Show on cassette tapes, and he used to play that on road trips when I was a kid. He also had a CD of The Complete Beyond the Fringe, as well as Alan Bennett monologues, all of which I used to love. He had Billy Connolly CDs that I didn’t understand, and VHS tapes of The Secret Policeman’s Ball that I basically memorized.
And of course there was Douglas Adams. When I was about 10-12 years old, my dad read me all his books. I could have read them by myself, but I enjoyed the shared experience, so we sat in the living room while he read them out loud. All five Hitchhiker’s Guide books, both Dirk Gently books, Last Chance to See, and The Salman of Doubt. The Meaning of Liff books I read on my own.
And Radio 4, I can’t forget about Radio 4. He got me into The News Quiz and The Now Show in about 2009, and I’ve been listening to those ever since. And there was frequently some Radio 4 comedy or other playing in his car when I was a teenager.
The point is that Britcom wasn’t completely new to me in 2020. My dad had raised me on it. I didn’t understand everything about it from a younger age, but I at least knew how some of it worked. In early March 2020, I happened across s01e01 of Taskmaster on YouTube, and said, “Oh look, British comedy, like that other stuff I like. I wonder what this is?” Then Romesh Ranganathan threw the watermelon the floor, and it was the funniest fucking thing I’d ever seen in my life. By complete coincidence, about a week later, the world happened to end. Leaving me with enough time to watch every episode of Taskmaster, but that wasn’t enough, I loved it so much that I wanted more time with those people. So I Googled them, and found that a lot of my favourite Taskmaster people could be found on other panel shows regularly. But many of these were long-running panel shows, with more than 100 episodes, and obviously I didn’t have time to watch all that. But then I remembered that the world had just ended, and I could watch whatever the hell I liked.
So I watched every episode of Taskmaster, and then every single episode of WILTY and 8 Out of 10 Cats and Catsdown. And then I watched every episode of Mock the Week and Big Fat Quizzes, and I created this blog in the middle of that.
I made a list of panel shows + sitcoms I wanted to watch. It took me a couple of years to work through that list. It added QI + Amstell-and-later-era Buzzcocks to my long-running panel shows, as well as a lot of other sitcoms and sketch shows and shorter panel shows and other TV shows (Russell Howard’s Good News/Russell Howard Hour, Mash Report, New World Order) and books and radio shows and collections of stand-up sets. I went through that entire list, while posting on this blog about my progress.
It was about a year ago that I finished all the stuff on that list, and then got into The Bugle. I went from there into being more interested in stand-up than in panel shows or sitcoms, and that’s pretty well led to where I am now. I first bought a Bandcamp recording by a man named Daniel Kitson in June 2022, and I have not known peace since. That led directly to August 2022, when I came across that video of those people taking apart a cow on stage, and I have definitely not known peace since I found that.
Part of my original Britcom list involved all 126 hours of the 2006-2008 episodes of the Russell Howard and Jon Richardson BBC 6 Music radio show. Russell left the show in 2008 because he basically got too famous to keep it up, and Jon kept running episodes, co-hosted with Matt Forde and various other guests, for the next few years. I’ve listened to every episode of those Jon and Russell years, but none from later. I actually have all the post-Russell era of that radio show downloaded to my hard drive, but I have not listened to them. It’s too depressing.
That’s the actual point of this post. All that other stuff is just background to the actual point. The background establishes my credentials, that I know British comedy. You know that stereotype that all autistic people are eight-year-old white boys who are obsessed with trains? Well I am an eight-year-old white boy, and these are my trains.
So I can say with certainty that I have checked, I’ve checked thoroughly and carefully, I’ve checked all of the comedy in Britain. And I can confirm that the saddest thing that’s ever happened in all of British comedy is the single fact I know about the Jon Richardson era of that radio show (which I know because someone on this website told me, I still haven’t listened to the episodes), which is that the first song he chose to play in the first episode he ever hosted post-Russell Howard was I Can Do It Without You by Kaiser Chiefs.
I wrote this entire post because that song just came up in my YouTube recommendations, and then I remembered that fact, and I would like to explain how qualified I am to say that that is the most depressing thing that has ever happened in British comedy. I mean, I realize we have a more recent thing that’s obviously objectively sadder and also indirectly involved Jon Richardson:
And, you know, Rik Mayall was cool. The last episode in season 4 of Blackadder was pretty rough. But nope, sorry, the saddest thing to ever happen in British comedy is Swindon-era Jon Richardson ending Russell Howard’s last radio episode by saying good luck but it’s fine and he doesn’t even need him, and then playing a Kaiser Chiefs song on the next episode. Whatever bad directions Russell Howard’s gone since, and whatever comparatively less bad but maybe not ideal directions Jon Richardson’s gone since, they will always have the time 126 hours of buildup led to the playing of a Kaiser Chiefs song somehow being one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard of.
(I’m like… sort of joking. I mean I’m joking about it being literally worse than Sean Lock dying. But it’s genuinely pretty fucking depressing. Fucking hell.)
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2020 Deaths
January
7: Neil Peart, 67, drummer, Rush
8: Buck Henry, 89, screenwriter (‘The Graduate’), director (‘Heaven Can Wait’)
17: Derek Fowlds, 82, actor (‘Yes, Minister’)
19: Jimmy Heath, 93, jazz saxophonist, The Heath Brothers
19: Robert Parker, 89, R&B singer (‘Barefootin’’)
21: Terry Jones, 77, comic actor, screenwriter, film director (‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’)
28: Nicholas Parsons, 96, actor, radio and TV presenter
February
1: Andy Gill, 64, guitarist, Gang Of Four
5: Kirk Douglas, 103, actor (‘Spartacus’, ‘Paths Of Glory’, ‘Seven Days In May’)
15: Caroline Flack, 40, TV and radio presenter
17: Andy Weatherall, 56, record producer and DJ
19: Pop Smoke, 20, rapper
24: Tom Watkins, 70, artist manager (Pet Shop Boys)
26: Kobe Bryant, 41, basketball player
March
4: Barbara Martin, 76, singer (The Supremes)
6: McCoy Tyner, 81, jazz pianist
8: Max von Sydow, 90, actor (‘Star Wars’, ‘Game Of Thrones’)
12: Pete Mitchell, 61, radio DJ and presenter (BBC Radio 2, Virgin Radio)
15: Roy Hudd, 83, actor and comedian
20: Kenny Rogers, 81, singer and songwriter (‘The Gambler’, ‘Islands In The Stream’)
22: Julie Felix, 81, folk singer
22: Eric Weissberg, 80, folk musician (‘Duelling Banjos’)
24: Manu Dibango, 86, saxophonist (‘Soul Makossa’)
26: Bill Martin, 81, songwriter (‘Puppet On A String’, ‘Congratulations’)
27: Bob Andy, 75, reggae singer (The Paragons, Bob & Marcia)
27: Delroy Washington, 67, reggae singer
30: Bill Withers, 81, singer (‘Ain’t No Sunshine’, ‘Lean On Me’, ‘Lovely Day’)
April
1: Ronn Matlock, 72, singer and songwriter (‘Can’t Forget About You’)
2: Eddie Large, 78, comedian (Little & Large)
5: Honor Blackman, 94, actress (‘The Avangers’, ‘Goldfinger’)
6: James Drury, 85, actor (‘The Virginian’)
6: Onaje Allan Gumbs, 70, jazz pianist
7: John Prine, 73, singer and songwriter (‘Angel From Montgomery’)
10: Ceybil Jefferies, 57 or 58, house and dance music singer (‘It’s Gonna Be Alright’, ‘Love So Special’)
12: Peter Bonetti, 78, footballer
12: Tim Brooke-Taylor, 79, comedian (‘The Goodies’)
12: Sir Stirling Moss, 90, racing driver
15: Brian Dennehy, 81, actor (‘Cocoon’)
17: Norman Hunter, 76, footballer
20: Rohan O’Rahilly, 79, founder of Radio Caroline
24: Hamilton Bohannon, 78, percussionist, songwriter and record producer
28: Jill Gascoine, 83, actress (‘The Gentle Touch’)
29: Trevor Cherry, 72, footballer
29: Stezo, 51, rapper
30: Sam Lloyd, 56, actor (‘Scrubs’)
May
2: Richie Cole, 72, jazz saxophonist (‘New York Afternoon’)
5: Sweet Pea Atkinson, 74, singer (Was (Not Was))
5: Millie Small, 72, singer (‘My Boy Lollipop’)
6: Florian Schneider, 73, musician (Kraftwerk)
7: Ty, 47, UK rapper
9: Little Richard, 87, singer, pianist and songwriter
10: John McKenzie, 65, bass player
10: Betty Wright, 66, singer (‘Clean Up Woman’)
11: Jerry Stiller, 92, actor (‘Seinfeld’, ‘The King Of Queens’)
15: Phil May, 75, singer (The Pretty Things)
15: Fred Willard, 86, actor (‘Best In Show’, ‘Modern Family’)
21: Bobby Digital, 59, Jamaican reggae producer
22: Mory Kante, 70, Guinean singer and kora player (‘Yeke Yeke’)
30: Michael Angelis, 76, actor (‘Boys From The Black Stuff’)
June
4: Rupert Hine, 72, musician and record producer
4: Steve Priest, 72, bass player and singer (The Sweet)
8: Bonnie Pointer, 69, singer (The Pointer Sisters)
18: Dame Vera Lynn, 103, singer
19: Sir Ian Holm, 88, actor (‘Alien’, ‘Chariots Of Fire’, ‘The Lord Of The Rings’)
26: Tami Lynn, 77 or 78, singer (‘I’m Gonna Run Away From You’)
29: Carl Reiner, 98, actor, film director and writer (‘The Dick Van Dyke Show’, ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, ‘The Jerk’)
July
1: Sir Everton Weekes, 95, Bajan cricketer
2: Jacque Hylton, 57, beautiful girl and dear friend
5: Cleveland Eaton, 80, jazz bass player (‘Bama Boogie Woogie’)
6: Charlie Daniels, 83, singer, songwriter and musician (‘The Devil Went Down To Georgia’)
10: Jack Charlton, 85, footballer
10: Steve Sutherland, club and radio DJ
12: Kelly Preston, 57, actress (‘Jerry Maguire’, ‘Twins’)
17: John Lewis, 80, American civil rights leader and politician
19: Emitt Rhodes, 70, singer, songwriter and musician
21: Dobby Dobson, 78, Jamaican singer and producer
21: Annie Ross, 89, singer (Lambert, Hendricks & Ross)
25: Peter Green, 73, guitarist (Fleetwood Mac)
25: John Saxon, 83, actor (‘Enter The Dragon’)
26: Dame Olivia de Havilland, 104, actress (‘Gone With The Wind’)
27: Denise Johnson, 53, singer (Primal Scream)
29: Malik B, 47, rapper (The Roots)
31: Sir Alan Parker, 76, film director (‘Midnight Express’, ‘Mississippi Burning’)
August
1: Wilford Brimley, 85, actor (‘The Natural’, ‘Cocoon’)
5: FGB Duck, 26, rapper
6: Wayne Fontana, 74, singer (The Mindbenders)
11: Trini Lopez, 83, singer (‘If I Had A Hammer’) and actor (‘The Dirty Dozen’)
18: Ben Cross, 72, actor (‘Chariots Of Fire’)
22: D. J. Rogers, 72, soul singer
28: Chadwick Boseman, 43, actor (‘Black Panther’)
September
1: Erick Morillo, 49, record producer, label owner and DJ
2: Ian Mitchell, 62, bass player (Bay City Rollers)
6: Bruce Williamson, 50, singer (The Temptations)
9: Ronald Bell, 68, songwriter and musician (Kool And The Gang)
10: Dame Diana Rigg, 82, actress (‘The Avengers’, ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, ‘Game Of Thrones’)
11: Frederick Nathaniel ‘Toots’ Hibbert, 77, reggae singer (Toots And The Maytals)
12: Edna Wright, 76, soul singer (Honey Cone)
16: Roy C, 81, soul singer (‘Shotgun Wedding’)
18: Pamela Hutchinson, 61, singer (The Emotions)
19: Lee Kerslake, 73, drummer (Uriah Heep)
21: Tommy DeVito, 92, singer (The Four Seasons)
29: Mac Davis, 78, soul singer (‘Baby, Don’t Get Hooked On Me’)
29: Helen Reddy, 78, singer (‘I Am Woman’, ‘Delta Dawn’)
30: Frank Windsor, 92, actor (‘Z Cars’, ‘Softly Softly’)
October
6: Bunny Lee, 79, Jamaican reggae producer
6: Johnny Nash, 80, singer and songwriter (‘I Can See Clearly Now’, ‘Tears On My Pillow’)
6: Eddie Van Halen, 65, guitarist and songwriter (Van Halen)
10: Dyan Birch, 71, singer (Kokomo, Arrival)
12: Saint Dog, 44, rapper
12: Conchata Ferrell, 77, actress (‘Two And A Half Men’)
14: Paul Matters, bass player (AC/DC)
15: Gordon Haskell, 74, singer, songwriter and musician (‘How Wonderful You Are’)
18: Jose Padilla, 64, record producer and DJ
19: Spencer Davis, 81, singer and guitarist (The Spencer Davis Group)
21: Frank Bough, 87, TV presenter (‘Grandstand’)
28: Bobby Ball, 76, comedian (Cannon & Ball)
30: Nobby Stiles, 78, footballer
31: Sir Sean Connery, 90, actor
November
2: John Sessions, 67, actor and comedian
4: Ken Hensley, 75, singer and songwriter (Uriah Heep)
5: Len Barry, 78, singer (‘1-2-3’)
5: Geoffrey Palmer, 93, actor (‘As Time Goes By’, ‘Butterflies’)
6: King Von, 26, rapper
8: Bones Hillman, 62, bass player (Midnight Oil)
11: Mo3, 28, rapper
14: Des O’Connor, 88, television presenter, comedian and singer
15: Ray Clemence, 72, footballer
18: Tony Hooper, 81, guitarist (The Strawbs)
25: Diego Maradona, 60, footballer
28: David Prowse, 85, actor (‘Star Wars’)
28: Lil Yase, 25, rapper
29: Papa Bouba Diop, 42, footballer
December
10: Dame Barbara Windsor, 83, actress
12: Charley Pride, 86, country singer
12: John le Carre, 89, author (‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’, ‘The Night Manager’)
14: Gerard Houllier, 73, football manager
15: Albert Griffiths, 74, Jamaican reggae musician (The Gladiators)
17: Jeremy Bulloch, 75, actor (‘Star Wars’)
21: K. T. Oslin, 78, country singer and songwriter
22: Stella Tennant, 50, supermodel
24: John Edrich MBE, 83, English cricketer
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