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Sensiz geçen günler, aylar belki de yıllar…                                                        Her seferinde aynı umut, her seferinde aynı umutsuzluk, her seferinde aynı sensizlik. Nasıl başardın bana bunca duyguyu aynı anda yaşatmayı? Hem sevmeyi, hem nefret etmeyi, hem özlemeyi, hem beklemeyi özellikle de unutmak için uğraşmayı… Hiç mi bir şey hissettirmedi o özlem dolu bakışlarım, hiç mi için kıpırdamadı beni görünce?

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Eriyen karlar altında açan sarı, mor çiğdemler topladığımız Esentepe'nin yüksek çamları, soyut bir çocukluk düşü.

Çocukluğumun Soğuk Geceleri / Tezer Özlü

Syf: 7

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Hi!!!! This is a one shot requested by @mitchloveswriting​ 

I combined it with an anonymous request for fluffy Az x Reader. At this time, I don’t write anything 18+ but maybe in the future!!

Thanks for the requests and I hope you like it<3333

Azriel x Reader

Prompt: “az reader where everyone keeps asking when he and elain are getting togethr but reader gets sad bc theyve secretly been a thing for years pls?”

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“Happy birthday, Feyre!” Everyone yelled at the same time.

It was a picture perfect moment. Feyre blew out the candles on her ridiculously elaborate birthday cake (courtesy of Rhysand, of course) as the Inner Circle looked on. Rhys stood next to his wife, Nyx in his arms, as he smiled at her. To their right, was Nesta and Cassian, mated and glowing as they held hands and looked at Feyre with love. You stood to Feyre’s left, with Amren and Varian next to you. Standing opposite of your High Lord and Lady at the table was Mor and Elain, the former with tears in her eyes and the latter with a broad, beautiful smile.

You instinctively knew that Azriel stood by the door, forever sticking to the shadows. You could feel his presence under your skin, almost like a sentient force that pulled you towards him with every fiber of your being. Your situation with the shadowsinger was sort of complicated, you had feelings for him and he reciprocated, leading to a few steamy makeout sessions during the year that you had been in the Night Court, but he had never deepened it. Never mind the fact that you wanted him to. You yearned for him to come to your side and be yours publicly, but you were too afraid to tell him.

The cake magically cut itself and you were handed a small slice of cake, the perfect size that you wanted. You silently thanked the House for knowing you so well. This year, Rhys splurged on Feyre’s birthday cake. It tasted amazing. The delicacy melted on your tongue and the frosting was so sweet that you moaned in delight.

“The cake must be phenomenal.” Said a voice behind you.

You whirled around to find Azriel casually leaning against the wall. You blushed as you realized what sound you had just made.

“It is pretty good.” You replied, a little embarrassed that Azriel had heard you. He walked towards you and you held your breath as his hand moved toward your face. The shadows that always surrounded him began to disappear a little.

“You’ve got some frosting on your cheek.” Azriel said softly as his thumb brushed against your face.

You stilled as you felt his callused finger linger a few more seconds than was necessary. Then, you watched his thumb move towards his mouth and kept staring as his tongue darted out and licked the frosting that had been on your cheek. You felt heat begin spread throughout your body as you saw your desire mirrored in Azriel’s eyes.

“Azriel! Do you want some cake?” Cassian yelled.

The moment was over as Azriel’s shadows returned and you saw the usual mask of ice harden his features.

“I’m fine, Cas. I stole a bit of Y/n’s.” Azriel replied to Cassian.

You felt your hope die a little as Azriel so casually dismissed the moment you two just shared. The all-too-familiar disappointment rushed back in and you once again felt the longing for what your friends had. Ever since you had been rescued from Hybern’s prison by the Inner Circle, your heart longed to find its mate.

“I would like to open presents now. Rhysand, please be a dear and bring them to the family room.” Amren announced. You knew the petite female was itching to get her hands on her new jewels.

You didn’t wait for Azriel as you walked into the family room and took a seat on the couch next to Mor. She looked so elegant in a purple gown and matching amethyst jewelry. You probably paled in comparison in your pink dress that seemed to be loose in too many places. Your worries melted away as Rhys brought in the solstice presents.

Of course, Amren opened her gifts first, receiving a majority of jewelry. You had given her a diadem of rubies to match the necklace Varian had given her years ago that she loved. Next, Rhys and Feyre opened the gifts for themselves and Nyx. It was no surprise that they received a lot of baby stuff, with your contribution being a magical baby rocker. Cassian and Nesta opened their gifts, which was made up of weapons and tactical gear. Mor got a lot of dresses and clothing while Varian received miscellaneous items. You gave Elain gardening stuff, like most people. Your gifts consisted of different things, from books to clothing to a painting from Feyre.

Lastly, it was Azriel’s turn to open his gifts. He received pretty much the same thing as always from everyone— weapons. You had his gift in your hand because you wanted to give it to him personally. Azriel was opening Elain’s gift when you heard Mor speak up next to you.

“When are you two going to get together? You’ve both been beating around the bush for years and I think I speak for everyone when I say put an end to our misery.” Mor said to Azriel and Elain.

Both Azriel and Elain blushed and you felt tears come to your eyes. The Inner Circle seemed to have no idea how much you cared for Azriel. Or maybe you were a fool, and you couldn’t see that he liked Elain. That would certainly explain why Azriel had never made the two of you official. You were just something to distract him from Elain, who he was forbidden to touch so that they could keep the alliance with Lucien and therefore Jurian and Vassa. The tears were threatening to spill over so you abruptly got up and muttered something about getting more wine as you made your way to the dining room.

You had just reached the table when you realized you still had Azriel’s gift in your hand. You set it down and asked the House for a wine glass, which appeared in your hand. You filled it with wine from the bottle on the table and sat down to wipe the tears from your face. You played back what had just happened in your mind, noting how Elain looked at Azriel like he was her savior. You were so deep into your thoughts that you didn’t notice someone softly sitting next to you.

“Is everything alright, Y/n?” Cassian asked you. He put a hand on your shoulder and looked at your face with concern in his eyes.

“I’m fine, Cas. It’s just another migraine.” You lied. He could tell you weren’t telling the truth.

“Is it because of what Mor said? You know she says stuff out of turn sometimes.”

“I’m fine.” You repeated. You held the wine glass tightly in your hand. Cassian sighed and got up, presumably to go back to the others.

“You know, Az is fool. You’re so much better than the rest of us. Even Elain left Feyre to take on the responsibility of feeding their entire family. But you, your kindness has no boundaries, even after what you went through with Hybern.” Cassian said.

“Will you tell them I had a migraine and went home?” You asked. He nodded and went to join the rest of the Inner Circle.

You put on your coat and and the House put your presents in a bag for you as you stepped into your slippers. Before you had the time to start descending the ten thousand stairs to your apartment in the city, Azriel appeared. He walked towards you, his presence dominating the room.

“Where are you going?” He asked. Azriel kept walking towards you, and he seemed a little angry. You had no idea why he thought he had the right to be angry and you weren’t going to be scared by his demeanor. You refused to yield a step and stood nose-to-nose with Azriel as he stopped in front of you.

“I had a migraine and I’m going home to rest.” You stated. Azriel narrowed his eyes, but you weren’t cowed.

“You haven’t had migraines in a month. I would know.” He said. You pricked at his last sentence.

“Would you really know? You seemed to be too focused on Elain to notice anything.” You accused. Azriel took a step back a laughed. He actually laughed.

“So that’s what this is about? You’re jealous of Elain because of what Mor said. Elain has a mate.” He said incredulously.

“That doesn’t seem to stop her.” You muttered as you finally looked away from him. Azriel lifted his hand to your chin and brought your face to look at his once more. He brushed a lone strand of hair away from your eyes.

“Let me fly you home, Y/n.” He said.

What did that mean? Did he want you? Was he just trying to apologize? Azriel saw your hesitation and quickly said, “It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

You nodded and he picked you up, bridal style. Azriel’s arms lay under your knees and back and you silently reveled in the feeling of his muscles. His shadows closed around the two of you and you barely felt it when he took off into the air. You buried your face into Azriel’s chest. You never liked flying, but it was better than the alternative of descending ten thousand stairs and walking to your apartment. You felt Azriel’s slight stubble on your cheek as he leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“I never licked the frosting off my thumb from Elain’s cheek, Y/n.” He murmured in your ear. If the words themselves didn’t make you curl your toes in excitement, then his husky tone did. Azriel’s voice caressed you as you blushed. You stayed there like that, in Azriel’s arms until you were both out of range of the House and he winnowed into the cozy living room of your apartment.

He set you down and you took a couple moments to orient yourself properly. Winnowing, no matter how many times you did it, always made you dizzy. You set the bag containing your presents on your coffee table and noticed Azriel’s present on top. You reached into the bag and took it out.

“I got a present for you.” You said.

“I have one for you too. I wanted to give it to you in private.” He replied.

You handed him the wrapped parcel in your hands. Azriel unwrapped his present and looked at you questioningly.

“The others don’t notice the shadows under your eyes. I know you aren’t sleeping, Az. It’s a tea I made. It’ll help you sleep.” You said. Azriel took a deep breath.

“How did you know?” He asked. You moved closer to him and put your palm on his cheek.

“I can see through the mask you put up for the others. I can see the purple smudges under your eyes.” You replied. Azriel engulfed you in a big embrace.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t given you my all, Y/n. I’m dealing with a lot of stuff, but I’d like to revisit us after we deal with the human queens.” He said.

You nodded and Azriel kissed your cheek. He pulled out a little package from his pocket and put it into your hand. You opened it and drew in a breath when you saw a key nestled in a velvet box.

“I have a house outside of Velaris. Only Rhys knows about it. Sometimes the city is a little much and I need to escape it and I wanted you to be able to have somewhere as well.” He said sheepishly. This time, you hugged Azriel and gave him a broad smile.

“Thank you.” You whispered.

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I love the acotar series but if there is something that I hate is the fandom because there are people who are so toxic and that just ruins the experience of having debates on social media. There is literally an hastag anti nesta stans, like you can not like the character not everyone needs to like her but create an hastag because people like her?

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okay so this post is exactly what the title says

it’s not saying whether or not I think SJM will make this a thing or even a commentary on clues in the text for or against. it’s just why I think this would be awful, and also useless for the plot.

and I’ve posted about it a bunch but have mor(e) thoughts so figured I’d make a longer post. shout out to everyone in my bookclub for helping me think these things through.

So first of all, as I articulated in an ask, I think this would be a pretty homophobic move on SJM’s part. Mor’s backstory and queerness are already skating on pretty thin, homophobic laced ice. SJM needs to be careful about how to tell Mor’s story and this…ain’t it.

Making the one queer female character we have mates to a man? A man who she hates and who we know she isn’t sexually interested in? When we know she wants to fall in love with a female? I mean jfc, that would just be so insanely homophobic…I don’t even want it out in the universe lol. Like, it would squander our chances of seeing a queer f/f mating bond! It would mean ANY story about Mor and her happiness comes with a big ol’ side of “but don’t worry about Eris, I rejected the bond! haha can still feel it though.” It would,,,,further make her story about a MAN and attraction to men, when we know that’s how she has chosen not to lead her life.

In terms of world building, it would…inscribe homophobia and heterosexually further into the bare bones structure of Prythian. It would be the higher powers that be  (ie the cauldron) saying “look you actually belong with a male, what you want doesn’t matter so I’m going to literally force you to feel pulled towards this man.”

And we KNOW that Mor would reject that bond.

So, why can’t there be power in that rejection?

Because wouldn’t Mor rejecting the bond be a good representation of how heteronormativity affects queer woman IRL and forces them to think they should love men when they actually don’t? Wouldn’t Mor’s rejection of the bond and choosing of a woman mirror the way this works in real life? And wouldn’t that be powerful?

Yes, it totally could be. EXCEPT, a few things:

1. This is not the type of story SJM can tell appropriately. None of her writing has pointed to wanting to tell deep, nuanced stories about queerness. Mor’s story in acowar is partially predicated on her…not coming out because she’s afraid to hurt a man’s feelings. It this ~secret~ reveal. And while I personally enjoy a lot of her story, a lot of people do not, and found it harmful. I don’t think SJM is the right author to right about rejecting heteronormativity when she fully embraces it in most aspects of her books. I don’t, as @bookofmirth pointed out, really want to have to deal with SJM writing about what it feels like for Mor to be queer, and this plot line certainly would necessitate a lot of that.

2. Mor can never break the bond. This is something Amren basically says in acomaf, when she’s like “that type of bond cannot be broken.” And I mean maybe like, Nesta or Elain with their cauldron given powers could break it, but if not, Mor has to deal with feeling pulled towards Eris forever. So, it would be like oh we have this female character who rejects heteronormativity, except….not entirely because she can’t do that in this world in which heteronormativity is literally forced onto you by the fucking cauldron. Like, imagining her never being free of that bond? of that pull towards committing romantically and sexually towards a man? as if that is the ideal life? her never being free of that? It makes me sick tbh.

I read Mor as Bisexual/queer but we know she wants to be committed and in love with a woman so…I highly doubt she would be fine with being mates with a man.

3. We have already seen this character reject heteronormativity. Mor already rejected the life her family chose for her. She already made it so she didn’t have to marry Eris. We’ve already seen her be powerful in this way before. (and oh my god as an aside, that is exactly why saying she isn’t a queen who owns her own body and life is just wrong, because like she DOES she CHOSE to be fucking queer and unmarried in a brutal homophobic misogynistic society do you understand how difficult that is?) What plot purpose is served by SJM making them mates and Mor rejecting it? Your answer CANNOT be because we need to see a bond rejected and you don’t want it to be Elucien lol.

If Mor is unaware of them being mates (and I don’t see how it would work that she is somehow aware but NEVER told Feyre or Rhysand or Cass), then her rejecting of the bond would just be a repetition of the previous backstory that we already know. What is fun and interesting and dramatic about Mor finding out about the bond and rejecting it when we already got her rejecting her marriage to Eris and being brutalized for it. Like honestly idk unless Mor finds a way to sever this hypothetical bond, it would just be a repetitive boring plot. It would serve no purpose except to torture the queer female character.

And if Mor does know they are mates, why the hell would she be hiding that? She hides her queerness yes, but we know why she does that. When she’s like “no more secrets” to Feyre in acowar, I sort of trusted that she really meant that.

4. Finally, the most powerful and impactful way for SJM to combat heteronormativity in this world via Mor would be by giving us a main queer ship that involves mates of the same gender. Like Mates is the metric of perfect relationship here, and romance, for both Feysand and Nessian. It’s the Standard, very clearly so. So, if we want a storyline that communicates the power in rejecting heteronormativity? The absolute best way to do that is by making Mor mates with a female character, because that would demonstrate that she can fully and successfully love a woman, her family be damned, and that moreover, this world’s higher power is one that recognizes that queer people are meant to be happy and are valuable. Like I want the bond to about more than babies. How powerful and wonderful would it be for Mor to have a female mate, and for the moral to be that you’re more than what you contribute to the gene pool? Like, you value in the grand scheme of this world regardless of sexuality.

I just think Mor and a female mate would be infinitely more beautiful and powerful than any story that involves her and Eris as mates.

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🚨 ACOSF SPOILERS 🚨

I will never forgive Sarah for how much I wanted to love Mor and Amren and how she made them unapologetic abusers. Mor said some horrible about and to Nesta. About sending her to the human realm or to the Hewn City. Amren told her she was a waste of life when she was having suicidal thoughts. And I wanted them to acknowledge this and apologize just like Nesta did. Amren specially. At least Mor brought Nesta to Emerie’s shop and brought Gwyn to her as well, when she needed her friends, and for once she was not judgemental. But Amren? I’ll never forgive Amren. And Sarah for making Nesta kneel to her and apologize. Without context about their fight beyond the fact that Amren told Nesta that she was a waste of life, villainized her, made her out to be the wrong person every step of the way, and lied to her about the consequences of her actions in law when she didn’t want to be sent away to a war camp. Amren is unforgivable.

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ACOSF SPOILERS

You know what I wanted more than anything during that scene with the inner circle presenting Nesta with her choices? I wanted her to take them up on their shit options and refuse to go to camp with Cass, let them throw her to the human lands, get herself allied with them, and flip shit upside down.

“HeRe ArE yOuR oPtiOnS: Go To A WaR cAmP tO hEaL fRoM TrAuMa CaUseD bY WaR, or Go To ThE hUmAn LaNdS aNd DiE”

Fuck the Inner Circle

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A Court of Mist and Fury - (Sarah J Maas)

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What I Liked:

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT—Feyre’s story arc is as realistic as one can be in a world with fae and magical beasts. The events that took place in the last book would definitely traumatise someone and Sarah J Maas shows that well with a broken Feyre who needs to heal mentally. As well as that we see Feyre grow into a mature woman. At the end of the book there is still room for more development and healing. It also takes our main character a realistic amount of time to overcome her problems.

NEW CHARACTERS—When someone mentions ACOTAR you might think of Mor, Cassian, Amren and Azriel. It is hard to imagine the series without them even if they weren’t even mentioned in the first book. These new characters have such a complicated past and brilliant dynamic together its hard not to love them. We meet some of the most interesting characters in this book that stick with us until the end.

What I Didn’t Like:

When writing this review there wasn’t much that I didn’t like. The only thing that I could remember was second hand embarrassment. Feyre always seems to get herself in these situations. I tend to find myself having to stop reading for a while after these moments.

Overall, I would rate this book 5/5

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Y'all be shipping Emerie with Mor

But honestly, Emerie deserves better 🤷‍♀️

I just keep replaying in my head the fact that Mor treated Nesta, now Emeries sister, like shit, when Nesta did absolutely nothing to her and it makes me boil

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