#more depressing shit im sorry

[insignificantfailure]

im so fucking useless

#all I do is consume without contributing anything to society #i feel so guilty for eating breathing taking up space buying things producing trash wasting people's time and energy #literally my existence has no meaning #why am i alive #literally w.o.r.t.h.l.e.s.s. #tw depressive #tw depressing thoughts #tw depression #depressing shit #sorry for being depressing #im exhausted #i hate everything #i hate my self #more than anyone else #i dread having to exist #self h@te #i'm sad #mentally tired #vent #venting #personal

[straawberries]

hi happy halloween im out of food again

please commission me or donate

ive pretty much given up on being able to afford moving out so just being able to afford to live until i get kicked out would be nice

c*sh*pp (does this actually need to be censored?) is delilahswagga, p*yp*l is @delilahkill

not asking for a lot here even a few people donating a few dolalrs or getting 2 dollar commissions would help me a lot

#working on a new comm sheet ill reblog with it later #not eating regularly is like the biggest thing that makes my depression worse and it fucking sucks #thanks god for making the biggest thing that makes me happy the one thing i cant get regularly #meow #i hate e begging i feel like such a fucking loser right now. god #gotta love that autism!!!!!!!!!! #my dad keeps intentionally buying shit he knows i cant fucking eat without meltdowns #just because he thinks 'more food in pantry for longer = better' regardless of means #ive started just throwing away the fucking disgusting cans of soup in the hopes that he'll go to the store and buy something else #but every time he goes to the store he just buys me like #a bag of chips #and everything else is for him #if i touch the fucking meat he'll kill me and he buys like several hundred dollars of meat every month for his stupid smoker #he has bought 4 smokers in the last year but cant fucking stomach the thought of giving me some money for groceries #like expensive smokers #i know hes fucking lying when he says hes too poor to get me the shit that im actually able to comfortably eat at the cost of a few dollars #wow i am ranting hard in these tags. sorry #saved for later #<- so i can reblog this later if i need to

[todayisafridaynight]

would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji// #like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry. #his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too.... #idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀 #maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

[skullboiz]

my life if i got to live on college campus and make actual attempts at friendship instead of being stuck at home because its too expensive

#sorry i got a taste of what my life COULDVE looked like this summer and now im. back to same old and depressed about it lol. #if i start bitching more on here blame school starting bc i go back tomorrow......... yaaaay.......... #this is the part of life where ur supposed to make meaningful relationships and YET 😂😂😂😂😂😂shoot me #ALL OUR LIVES IF WE COULD LIVE IN TOWNS WITH COMMUNITIES AND SHIT. beating capitalism to death with hammers #skulltxt

[parasitic-saint]

wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry

#the parasite talks #i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd #this is getting so sad #i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this #please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays #i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least #rn i will have to force staying awake #maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore #coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me #i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself #i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways) #but i hate anything below 25°C #i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont... #...look pretty im just depressed #and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this #and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin #miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit

[hellsbroadcaster]

the communities thing looks cool I won't lie.. but I am in agreement with a lot of folks who worry about it becoming super exclusive. And tumblr already has that huge ass problem as it is.

#⌜off the air⌟ . // ooc #i personally have so much beef with a lot of tumblrs fucking cliques i could go on all day #like imagine thinking you're better than someone cuz you rp fictional characters online with strangers all day gtf out my face #we're all a bunch of losers here just trying to have fun and do a little escape from our day to day lives #bring that shit on here with petty ass drama about things that in hindsight dont even matter #if you're constantly needing online validation to make it seem like you are worth something you need to work on loving yourself more #the way some ppl on here act like roleplay gonna fix your problems #no boo #you actually have to deal with yourself at the end of the day #your blooming aesthetic your purple prose writing you're teeheee im depressed and i have mental illnesses aint cute when you are actually #just a shit person #and I need ppl to start acting right fndsklfnldksf #SORRY I WENT OFF IM JUST #pPL BRP

[muskpunk]

when eating doesn't make brain stop being Bad: uh oh

#so defeating every time I run down the Body Needs And Coping Skills checklist and noooooothing fucking works ♥️ #I'm sick of fucking wallowing! can I please move on with my night! can I do or feel literally anything else! #I want to cave my own fucking skull in dude I'm not even sad anymore I'm just frustrated as fuck #and fed up with having to choose between being pissed off or too depressed to move #I need something to change SO SO desperately and I know that but I can't DO anything about it #I don't even feel like there's a point to saying any of this #I won't even remember in the morning probably. I hope I don't fucking wake up as myself #cause I fucking want out too #can't give a shit about any of this anymore. sorry for not breaking down quietly or whatever #it's in or out and in is 'not helping' so out it is #not that i can even do that with my whole chest lol. not that theres any relief in this but to wear myself out enough to maybe sleep #so someone else can deal with it in the morning #and delete this and go back to being so so quiet #like always. #but at least im calling it out for once lol #more than the rest of us ever fucking do.

[thesungod]

interesting arguments made. i would also bring up that apollo also found out about the prophecy when he shouldn't have and my little explanation for that earlier was that He Just Knew instinctively even while he was dying because i thought that was a bit funny. god of prophecy and knowledge and all that, but if we're going more in-depth:

just because apollo/lester was "destroyed" does not mean he's entirely gone, and the fact that he's hallucinating in the first place proves it. helios, for example, despite disappearing for millennia, got gathered together by medea so he could be shoved into caligula. also every time apollo stays away from the sun palace for too long apparently it goes back to helios's scent of Axe Body Spray.

not all of apollo's essence would've been thrown into chaos. there's still the question of how zeus stripped his immortality and what happened to it while apollo was mortal. though it's implied that over time, apollo manages to take it back, the fact is that he still didn't have all the godly strength he needed to pull himself up. there's still a bit of his essence which he doesn't have control of, probably in zeus's possession or something. that essence could still, in theory, use his power of foresight and gain bits of knowledge, subconsciously adding that information into his hallucinations (almost like dreams, but it’s something he wants to see being mixed in with little pieces of prophetic knowledge rather than a future or past event) but be too weak to do anything else (especially since it isn’t in his control) like how harpocrates couldn't break his bonds or helios didn't come back until medea gathered his essence. but even with that slight hope, the situation is still bad since he can’t tap into that essence anymore. he Can’t take it back like earlier because there is No One to take it back. it’s all he is now, and all he is now is not in control of himself. he’s like metis now Lol.

but i bring up helios because in theory, this could mean someone like medea could gather that tiny bit of essence and somehow. idk. find a surrogate ig. this is all thought up of in the moment btw i know its Rough.

(in reference to this and this ask)

@the-ant-in-amber hallucination anon is back with receipts!!!!!

#holy shit anon you slayed this #love how thorough you are!!!!! #zeus possessing a part of apollo is something i never want to think about again #im even more depressed!!!!! #also sorry for posting this so many hours later im studying and being sad😔 #ask #trials of apollo

[toastsnaffler]

tummy hurts my final message goodbye

#ive had mild pelvic pain for like. half a week now. its a bit like period cramps + in the same area but not as intense. idfk why #I dont think its bowel (<-no other symptoms and pain area is too low down) or bladder related (<- usually more painful + affects peeing) #sometimes I do get cramps a few days before my period but im midway thru my cycle and idk its not usually like this #not ovulation pain either bc thats supposed to only last a few hours. i dont fucking knooooww #im trying not to think abt it or complain abt it bc if i focus on it too much ill imagine its worse than it is. its rly not that bad #just consistent which is annoying. hopefully itll pass in a few more days. adulthood is all abt having mysterious random pains in ur body #sorry for tmi abt my internal bodily functions do u guys still think im cool. #eurghhh. im glad i went out to parkour today but man i rly wasnt feeling like it. another depression weekend :-( #but its ok im a bit tired of complaining abt being depressed. who give a shit. im doing all i can at the moment and thats fine #back to jobhunting tmr hopefully itll be more fruitful. im expecting to hear back from a few ppl. we'll see. rolling my rock back uphill #im gonna go get a hot water bottle i think... my hands are soooo cold and maybe itll soothe tummy pain too #and then read a little more.. finished giovannis room earlier (so fucking good but. devastating) so im back onto deaths end #just another 350 pages to go.. v curious to see where its gonna end up cuz so much crazy shit keeps happening. im just at the fairytales #hope my loyal followers are having a peaceful weekend.... farewell #.diaries

[jorrated]

not now kitten, daddy's on the brink of it

#always arguing with myself wether i should allow myself to be venty here cause i feel like im annoying but also its my home!!! #i should be able to be annoying #but also!!! i annoy myself venting! #AUGH BARK BARK BITE BIUTE[ #I HATE FEELING BAD AND BEING AWARE ITS DOESNT MAKE SENSE BUT STILL FEELING BAD WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CANT JUST #FUCKING FEEL OKAY BY JUST USING LOGIC #EXPLODES THE WORLD WITH MY HEAD #God i need to get back on medication #but CHRIST. #its so fucking expensive #and even with brazilian health care its still a mess #like it will take more than a month for me to get started on medication that will fuck me up for a while #and i kinda dont wanna be insane on my first clinic job #BUT I ALREADY FEEL LIKE IT AUGHBDSEFCECUIHAEDDJUHG[ #sorry for being depressive *thumbs up* and sorry for apologizing for shit i dont need to apologize #im just so stressed with everythings that im also slightly catatonic about it so yknow #like im leaving home 7:30am and getting back almost 10:00pm #and its all classes and internships and sidehustles #ive never felt so connected to bloody stickmen #its one of those months that logically i know shit will be okay #ijust cant emotionally feel like it #so fucking frusrtrating i want to kill the sun

[selfnss]

#ooc. #personal // #sorry again to come on here just to complain #but im in such a shit position i cant keep fucking doing this #im so wound up all the time #these tablets are meant to help me but so far all they've done is make me even more short tempered #i can't write #writing is usually my outletbut i can't fucking form a single sentence without hating it #i can't concentrate long enough to do anything worthwhile #and any typo i make makes me genuinely lose my top and see red #on top of that i can t help but spend my time convincing myself that people don't want anything to do with m e #i feel lik ei have to force any conversation i have with people who used to feel like they Want to talk to me #and now im sat here having a crying fit because i've been sat for an hour staring at both my blogs and my personal writing google doc and #not done a single productive thing #playing hsr is boring now too #tell me ur depressed without telling me your depressed :') #i hate it #i hate myself #this is so fucking exhausting but then i feel even worse if i just spend my days laying in bed doing nothing! #if i go radio silent then u all know why i guess

[cannot-copia]

just applied for the job i had during college and honestly it feels bad man

everyone I know is actually accomplishing things with their life, buying property, getting promotions, getting their masters etc

fuck, even my cousin who is several years younger than me and has very little to no college (aka doesn’t have student loan debt) just got a management position at a fortune 100 company and is now making more than 60k

And where am I now?

Couldn’t do my job at the big company I was supposed to work at, where I had insurance and got paid enough to actually pay for things

all I do now is feeding horses and basically just putting them in different places 4 hours a day 6 days a week for less than what I made ever since I started working and living off that and what’s left of what I had accumulated in my 401k at my old job (that im gonna have to pay thousands of taxes on for taking it out too early im sure) and therefore fucking myself over for the future- everyone always says start young well I did and I’m too fucking useless to function without wanting to remove my skin apparently so I fucked that up

And yeah it was just an online application so I don’t know how likely it is they’ll even respond and hire me again but I feel like I am going backwards

I did what everybody always insisted I had to do

i went to college

i got a “real” (office) job

i got more than 25k student loan debt I have not been able to make even a dent in

and what do i have to show for it? even worse mental illness? A piece of paper that said i went to college? Crippling fear of answering a phone? an extreme hate for the way I look now?

and now im (at least attempting) to go back to where I was before all that bc that’s the only place i can think of will hire me, to a job I did not enjoy whatsoever, where I am going to have to explain to the high schoolers that would be working closing shift that I will have to do after the morning job like yeah i left here 3 years ago for a competitive job that paid twice as much at one of the (apparently voted) best employers in the city that everyone wants to work for but I threw it all away bc im a useless fucking idiot and now I’m back here working fast food watching all these people who will go to school and get the jobs they want and not fuck it up and actually be successful and move on with their lives

it just,,, it doesn’t feel good

i feel like I’ll never get anywhere so what’s even the point

#and I know you’re probably thinking oh well you have horses you must have plenty of money etc #thing is i work at the place i keep them i do not pay regular price or I would not afford them at all #I’ve only ended up with as many as i have bc at my old #job i made just enough to not be negative every month #and now I can’t get rid of them because I am afraid to talk to people and ended up very attached to one we got with the intention to sell #after a few months #and the other we have had for 10 years now but she would need to be consigned somewhere to get what she’s worth #which requires /talking to people/ #so while I previously could just about afford them I can’t now unless something majorly changes #once i run out of what’s left of my 401k i will not have the money to pay for them #yes i know buying ghost tickets with that was an idiotic thing to do but it temporarily made me happy #which is also another reason i want to try to avoid getting rid of the horses if at all possible #sounds stupid but at this point without them there would really be no point in being here #they’re the only reason I talk to anybody at all these days and they are capable of making me happy #im sorry i feel like i have been complaining on here a lot more frequently lately and i don’t think anybody wants to see shit like this on #their dash but i don’t really have anywhere else to say things #anybody irl always just says ‘well other people did x/it was your decision to y/etc #the shitty insurance I have now does not cover anxiety/depression things I have not been taking any and I have a feeling it is not helping #delete later

[cynical-cy]

I think it'd be cute if ppl drew my fursona

#cyspeaks #god today was rough #nothing like actively happened but holy shit i am not doing great mentally #lots of stress rn as im like 50-60 bucks out from what i need for rent this month #its literally one more good comm but if i dont get one by like the 20th i might need to ask for handouts #the one thing ive never wanted to do is be a leech and its like #yeah u can say oh its only like 50-60 bucks #but its still money i could instead work for instead of feeling like i now owe something to someone #idk i feel like i need to do something to justify it is all #anyhow thanks if u for whatever reason took the time to read these depressing-ass tags #sorry theyre on an otherwise inconspicuous post of mine i just started typing and didnt stop

[chanselysees]

.

#sorry i need to vent ignore this #my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit #bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer #and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted #but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but #now i hate it again i hate it so much #ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN #and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but #i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad' #and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards? #but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers #but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but #it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression #like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be #in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly #to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and #i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy. #made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that. #so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?! #but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn #im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now #i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it #clara tais toi #like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO #preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and #the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like #it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted #dl later

[north-starrs]

People out there drinking smoothie that is grass, random birdseed, a fucking root, and nut juice and call it "detoxifying" and "good for your soul"

Bitch, I know what's good for my soul, it's a giant slice of lasagna followed by cheesecake or my favorite cake.

Stop eating random shit because capitalism says it's good for you. They're literally making shit up to make you give them more money.

Go eat a cup of instant ramen noodles and a double banana popsicle.

#sorry i just saw some ad on tumblr about wheatgrass smoothie or some shit #like.. thats not gonna detox me because im literally allergic to wheatgrass and will rip my fucking skin off #if you think keto or paleo is gonna make you healthier please go talk to a nutritionist and then go do actual excercise #i know excercise is hard but itll do more for you than keto or paleo ever will #i know from personal experience because paleo and keto both made me depressed because i felt like i was being punished #instead just tell yourself that you can have a slice of meat and cheese lasagna after a good walk #throw some sauteed zucchini on the side #and then cut up an apple and saute that shit with cinnamon and a spoonful of sugar and you good #fuck.