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vagabond-umlaut · 9 months

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two shots of ristretto, please!

One must have heard of espresso, but ristretto? No?

Well, translated to 'restricted' in Italian, ristretto is another version of espresso, but of a sweeter and more intense quality than the latter— though, you reckon, there's no entity in this world, sweeter and more intense than that white-haired, blue-eyed enigma-turned-menace of yours.

▸ yakuza heir! gojo satoru x uni classmate! fem! reader; TIMESKIP; dad! gojo satoru x mom! reader; FLUFF AND HUMOR GALORE; popularising the headcanon that gojo is so terrifyingly gojo for everyone, except his crush; the said crush's smart & not dense, for the first time in my stories; there is yakuza so there's a gun and there's a tiny bit of violence; brief appearance of utahime, shoko, suguru & nanami; POST-TIMESKIP: the most adorable twins ever, sachiko and sachiro, are back, with tons and tons of fluff!!!!!

▸ belongs to the series 'tang!' — same universe as the work 'every rose and its 'twin prickles'' — but you can treat this as a stand-alone fic if you wanna!

▸ i know i described the reader to be smart and stuff, but the thing is: she is smart, of sorts, that is. and the post-timeskip portion is tooth-rottingly fluffy but not for satoru; sachiko & sachiro will never let their papa get some loving from their dearest mama... AND this is 4.4k wc long— idk how i wrote so freaking much! anyways, whatever it is–

▸ i don't own the characters, the image or the divider used. please don't plagiarize or translate or repost this. enjoy reading! ❤️

Gojo Satoru was born with three things.

His name.

His looks.

And, of course– the baggage certain to tag along with the above two.

Cup of coffee languishing in the frost of your ignorance, you lock gaze, the first time, with the famous infamous scion of the Gojo’s, an awfully stormy morning at the café your friend works at.

Said friend looks halfway on the path to sweet, sweet dreams, resting her head on folded arms on your table — smiling, you tuck a wayward strand of hair behind the shell of her ear, and return to your sly spying on the group seated couple of feet away. You think you see Gojo look at you yet another time — it must be an error of your eye, you reckon, given how he's giving a sharp grin to the man across from him, in the very next instant.

Yeah, that's what it is. No one can possibly switch from shooting that level of thoughtful gaze to that level of feral grin in that short span of time. Yeah, it must have been a mistake of your silly eye.

Anyways, whatever it is, to say you hate drawing attention to yourself will be the greatest understatement of the century— so you decide to look away for a beat, to avoid even the faintest hint of suspicion, eyes going back to the chemical reactions strewn across the mess you call notes— only to snap back to the white-haired boy, widening in horror from the click! then the scene crashing onto your brain.

Gojo chuckles, eyes flitting from the gun aimed at the space between his eyebrows to the man holding it. "Aww," you register him croon, that self-sabotaging dumbass, "resorting to such cheap violence so quickly, Zenin-san? Grew tired of a civil conversation already? Tsk. What a pity."

Another time and you think you'll consider this precise moment to be when you wake your friend up and slowly sneak away into the kitchen then out, via the back door. Another day and you know you'll consider this very second to be when you return your focus to your assignment on carbohydrates, all the while hoping you or your friend won't be cast into a brawl none of you are a part of—

Too bad it isn't another time or another day, though.

Biting back a grimace, you shut your laptop and rise from your chair with a loud clatter.

"Forcing someone isn't really a nice way to make a deal, y'know," you hum, walking over to their table and plopping down onto the free seat next to Gojo, "what is better is to explain the pros and cons to the one opposite to you and try to convince them. Gently. And if that doesn't work, manipulate the hell out of them. But this?" you shoot the metal gun a disappointed glance, shaking your head, "this is a method even I know I shouldn't use to get my rival to agree to something, though I'm not from a criminal background."

The man– Zenin, you correct yourself; the second largest yakuza clan right after Gojo's family, your memory supplies after a beat – gives a slow look from the weapon to you, a scowl appearing on his features. And barks – voice, a disgusting grating noise to your sleep-deprived self.

"Who the fuck are you, girl? And why the fuck are you interfering in this?"

You pause. Okay, this wasn't what you were expecting when you first strolled out here. You were expecting a yell, a scuffle; worst case, the gun aimed at your precious brain. But this? One question about your identity, and the other about your reason for approaching them? You haven't prepared yourself for this!

Frowning, you cast a glance to your left, only to find the white-haired boy stare at you, staggered, with wide eyes and flushed cheeks; then at your friend who's snoring away like she doesn't give a damn about napping at work; then at the man glowering at you.

You sigh, rubbing your temples.

"Who the fuck I am... that's for me to know and for you to find out,” you answer, smirking, before growing serious again as you rush to explain, upon catching a murderous glint in the man’s eyes, “I mean, c'mon, y'all are the yakuza. This should be a piece of cake for you, shouldn’t it?"

The man's glare only worsens in result; stamping down the apprehension in your mind, you continue, "And as for why the fuck I'm interfering in this—"

You abruptly fall silent.

Offering the boy beside you a panicky glance.

Wondering what the hell you can say in reply.

Should you say, "I've been listening to you threaten the poor boy for a good thirty minutes now, saying he's gonna face dire consequences, or some shit like that, if he doesn't share the area in the east with the Zenin's or refuses to marry their third daughter— who I'm pretty sure, y'all have made into nothing but a maid, a cook and a broodmare. Poor girl, being spoken of by her own family member to a stranger boy, as if she isn't a human being but something with no life or ambition. But, hey, how you raise your kids is honestly your own problem and I’m not here to drill some lesson into your head– though I guess, folks like you could really use some. Anyways, whatever the fuck it is, I'm here because I JUST CAN'T SEE ANOTHER BEING FORCED TO DO SOMETHING AGAINST THEIR WILL. AND I’M GONNA PROTEST AGAINST IT AS LONG AS I’VE A BREATH LEFT IN MY LUNGS."

The inner-you tsks at the outer-you.

You groan inwardly, shifting to the next plan already.

So, must you say, "Gojo's my classmate, who has been sitting behind me since the first class of the year, and very weird to say, but I have also been finding him here at this coffee shop, every day I visit since that day, sitting at this specific table and scribbling in a notebook for hours at end— and, yeah, way weirder to admit out loud, but I guess I have also formed some kind of attachment to him? 'Cause of which, I feel, I get worried when I see him being actively threatened? And, yes, of course– all the while I totally ignore that he's next in line to a notorious criminal family or the fact that he's never even noticed me once before today."

Another click! bounces off the walls into your ears, making you draw away from your mind back to the situation at hand. You settle for offering a shrug.

"Why I'm here is because Gojo is one of my acquaintances and I just can't seem to stand someone being forced to do something against their will."

Your statement earns a mocking laugh from the man, but before you rush to defend yourself and the fact you spoke the truth, a calloused palm rests on your forearm. Gojo's gaze flits from you to the gun still pointed at him then back to you. You feel a mild tremor in his fingers when they meet your skin. Good heavens, Gojo must be really scared, huh?

His careful voice reaches you, a far cry from the haughty tone he was employing with the Zenin fellow earlier, "It's best if you leave now. Go take your friend and go away. And don't come back here. At least not until sometime later, yeah? Things are gonna get a hell lot messy and I don't want you to see that."

For the first time in many days, the buzz of caffeine in your veins weakens, giving way to the thrum of worry you feel at Gojo’s words. Has this bastard already accepted his fate!? Hell no! Not if you can help it!!

You give his arm a light pat.

"While I leave you here, all alone, huh?" Shaking your head, you click your tongue. "Nope! Not gonna happen, mister. My parents raised me way better than that. Besides, you might not be knowing me but I've been knowing you for a while now, and despite what everyone says of you being the crown prince, or whatever, in the underworld — I ain't leaving you here, with your life at the mercy of a person who doesn't even have a shred of respect for others' freedom of choice and stuff."

A noisy yawn sounds in the background, soon followed by a noisier series of snores. Gojo's mouth opens and closes a few times, like a funny fish, before he inquires, voice brimming with disbelief, "You... have noticed me? Since when?"

You blink, then chuckle. "Of course, I have. Since the first day, if I'm being honest here," you reply, then add as a hasty after-thought, so that he doesn't see you as a weirdo, "I mean, it's tough not to notice you, y'know? Not when you're—"

A deafening crash interrupts you in the middle of your sentence. You look away from the boy to find the man standing now, face contorted in a mix of fury and desperation while he shifts the gun's muzzle from Gojo to you, then back to Gojo, words leaving him in a harsh yell.

"THE GIRL NOTICED YOU 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE GOJO SATORU AND YOU'RE HANDSOME AS FUCK. NOW, CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH? AND YOU — YOU SICK, SPOILT GOJO BRAT– YOU SAID YOU DON'T HAVE A MINUTE TO SPARE? BUT HERE YOU ARE, CHATTING YOUR LIFE AWAY WITH THAT GIRL—"

A second deafening crash reverberates through the small shop– and you think you see your life flash before your eyes– but not before the man drops to the ground, most probably unconscious and hopefully not too damaged to lead a functional life, and very earnestly not dead. The gun clatters to the ground beside him. You turn to your classmate, eyes wide. Gojo returns your gaze, unblinking and slack jawed.

Heart thundering in your ears, you hurry to explain yourself, "I–"

"You smashed that plate on that guy's head."

Gojo’s blunt words bring you to a still, making your eyes drift to the fragments of the unlucky glass plate, to the unluckier but-totally-deserved-it Zenin, then back to your classmate. A little more awe on the boy’s face and you think his jaw might hit the floor.

You nod slowly.

"Yeah, but as self-defence. I mean, you saw how eccentric that man was acting, right? I had to do something to protect both of us," you explain, looking away from the pair of blue eyes watching you closely, to your friend who still seems to be lost in the land of sleep (how much exactly did she drink last night, huh?) to your grey sneakers, voice growing mumbled with every other syllable you utter.

"But that doesn't mean you've to feel some sort of debt towards me or anything. I too was kind of at mistake then, I guess... what with me rambling so fucking much when there was a literal gun at your head. I should have acted with more tact then – if I had done so, then maybe this mess could've been avoided. I mean, I've never seen these things before in my life, y'know? Except in TV shows, that is. Yet, this foolish me here thought she could just swoop in and save you like some sort of a hero..."

Sullen, you trail off, face growing warm from embarrassment whilst your mind devises a plan on how to clear up the mess you created, many thanks to your foolhardy nature, when a muffled laugh reaches you. Gojo's eyes twinkle in enjoyment at the bewildered huff you give him.

"You did save me like a real hero back then, y'know," he says, grinning a wide grin – before it disappears, making way for a much reserved, much shyer(??) version. A giggly voice within you whispers he looks just as sweet as he did with his cute dimples. The boy continues, carding a hand through his mess of white hair, with a casual glance at the man, "And, as for the mess you keep mentioning, don't you worry. Gun shots create more mess than a plate smashed on the head. And if I can clear that within a minute– this won't even take me a full second, Miss Hero. Don't you worry for this at all. But, yeah, thank you."

Now, you don't really know if it was the sincerity in his voice as Gojo thanked you, or the fact that he has to clean up the mess you made in the first place, or the stunned feeling so clearly visible in the blue colour of his irises when you admitted to noticing him— whatever it is, you find yourself not wanting to leave anything unsaid between you both.

Moreover, the realization that lives are considered extremely low-on-value in the world of crime, so much that guns are whipped out at the tiny disagreements or boasts are made on how quick a gunshot mess can be cleared by them — this realization doesn't make things any easier for you.

Giving the injured man and your napping friend a momentary glance, you return your focus to Gojo, whose eyes are now narrowed at his mobile, and speak those words weighing heavy on your mind right now.

"I really noticed you since the first day, Gojo," you say. The boy pauses his typing, confused gaze darting to you. "But not just 'cause you're the Gojo Satoru, or 'cause you're really pretty — which you totally are, by the way— but mainly because you had ambled into our first class, on the first day, a magnificent hour late, with your two friends— and my first thought seeing you was, what sort of a fucking entitled brat is this guy, sauntering in as if he owns the entire place."

A beat passes before the boy erupts into chuckles, though the tense quality of them doesn't escape your notice. Pocketing his mobile, he shoots you a small smile. "And what about noticing me after that? It was just my name and looks which kept your attention hooked onto me, wasn't it?"

The question– the mumbled way it was asked, more so– sends you into a brief bout of musing silence. Gojo's eyes remain trained on you the entire while — quite contrary to the innumerable adjectives you've heard to describe them: oceanic blue, sparkling blue, mesmerising blue, kind-of-startling blue– you think they're just... blue. So blue, you wonder if there's anything as blue as that gaze peering down at you.

Perhaps not.

Lips curving into a smile, you hum, "Yes and no. Yes, 'cause that was the main reason why my eyes kept trailing you whenever we were in the same place. No, 'cause they were the reasons only until I realised what kind of person you are, and how very different you're from what I first thought of you. I got new reasons after those."

"Mind telling me those new reasons?"

Gojo's nervous question widens the smile on your face. Casting your friend a glance — goodness, how many drinks did she really have at the party she went to last night — you reply, making your voice light and friendly, "Your personality made me curious. You are old money, with good looks to boot— you're literally the heartthrob of every girl on campus! Still, I've never seen you with anyone from them— never with anyone outside your group of three friends — though, I got to admit, the blond boy looks nothing less than constipated for a week, when he talks to you."

That last comment draws a chuckle from the white-haired boy. The tightness in his shoulders seems to relax a bit, you note with relief. Face still carrying the same smile as before, you continue speaking.

"And the second point which made me curious was how different you behave in different places. Your voice rings across the cafeteria every day during lunch yet you stay so quiet here for hours at end. You once said you've never been much of a book person, yet I always see you in this shop, immersed in your notebooks. And– what has struck me the most of all is the way you tend to go out of you way to annoy others – I've been sitting in front of you in class for a good three months now, yet you've never ever irritated me in the slightest. Kind of strange, ain’t it?"

Stunned silence comes as the answer to your question, what with the addressed classmate of yours, rooted to his spot on the ground, blue eyes as round as the plate you had smashed on the man's head some time ago and the expression on Gojo's face, almost as if you've grown a couple of heads in the while you have been chatting with him.

Or more like monologuing, now that you think about it.

This guy is always so chatty with others: he was even then with that gun cocked to take his life — then why the fuck is he so unspeaking right now, eh?

"Oh God, Satoru, I can't believe your plan of lurking in the places she goes to, to catch her eye, worked out!!" "Are you asking her out right now, bro?" "Can you all please move? It's raining like hell outside and I'm not really keen to get my leather jacket wet, thank you."

The noisy rumbles of rain and thunder stream in through the opened door, before the latter is closed again, snapping you out of your internal monologue, a bit too sudden and harsh for your liking. Three pairs of eyes regard you with an utmost curiosity — you return them a blink before dragging your eyes away and looking at the boy a good foot away, only to find him resolutely staring at the overhead lights. Two pretty long (and pretty weird) seconds pass before you finally decide to tear your gaze away from him to the rain-soaked glass window of the eatery.

A face with creased brows and warmed cheeks greets you from your reflection.

Screwing your eyes tight shut in an attempt to ward off an annoying headache you can feel build up, slowly yet steadily, you let out a sigh.

Friendship with the Gojo Satoru seems good enough but romance with the Gojo Satoru... that doesn’t seem half-as-good, right?

Right?

"Wrong."

Your son's insistent voice, coupled by the tiny fist he slams down on the table, breaks you out of your reverie and you turn to find Sachiro wearing a frown, tears brimming in his eyes– eyes which move away from his father and sister to you, pinning your drowsy form beneath the weight of their moisture.

Stifling a weary sigh, you place the menu card back on the table and coo, "Aw, Sachiro! What's wrong, baby? Are Papa and Sachiko saying mean things to you again? Are they still teasing you regarding today's incident?"

Although, you suppose to yourself, catastrophe might suit what happened today, way more than the word 'incident'— what with the shrieks, cries and yells resounding through your flat in the short time you took to get ready for your Sunday lunch at a restaurant. Rubbing his eyes a little, the little boy scoots closer to you and nods weakly, wrapping his tiny arms round you. Pressing a kiss to the top of his head, you direct a stern look at the two sitting across from you.

Sipping on the welcome drink, Sachiko just shrugs back at you.

"I'm not the wrong person here, Mom. He is," your daughter explains, pointing a finger at her brother, then retracting it at your frown. Your husband snickers from beside her. “Yeah, sweetness, it’s Sachiro who’s wrong. Getting confused on when’s your birthday is no small mistake. Besides, our darling little munchkins taunt me the entire time if I ever make a mistake, no? Can’t see why they can’t stand a taste of their own medicine, then.”

The sobs muffled into the cotton of your dress grow in intensity and misery. Sending her father a vicious stink eye, your daughter moves to observe you and her brother, a cute little frown on her face.

"Okay, fine," she relents after a short beat, returning the lemonade to the table, "Guess I was a little wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have teased him so much, along with Papa, for messing up the date of your birthday. I also should not have said, he doesn't love you, some time back."

A very weighted moment passes. The little girl jumps off her seat and reaches your side of the table, tiny arms reaching out to wrap around her brother. It takes a minute, and a small nudge from your side but soon enough, your two kids are hugging each other; Sachiro, a wailing mess, whilst Sachiko, being the older of the twins that she is, keeps saying 'sorry's' and patting his head, the exact same way their father does to them in times of their grave distress — when they throw a tantrum and get a nice long lecture from you, that is.

Fond smile creeping onto your lips, you tear your gaze away from the two adorable angels of your life to your husband.

Relieved to find him sans any teasing smile, you receive a gentle look from him, his hand reaching out to interweave his fingers through yours. You let him with a content hum, basking in the simple domestic joy seeping in through the sweetly scented air of the restaurant. A pair of plush lips press to your palm; biting back a giddy giggle, you throw the owner of said luscious lips a meaningful wink.

Though... you doubt how much of your meaning could be conveyed to him... given how the two of you jerk back from each other a mere instant later, at the loud clearing of a throat from Sachiko and an angry 'Papa! Go away!' from Sachiro.

Stomping back to her chair and settling into it with some effort and a huff, you watch an extremely pissed shadow form over the little girl's face, worsening as she twists and cranes her neck up to face her father. You really, really think your husband must not chuckle in this way in the face of such a thunderstorm— not when your daughter is shooting daggers with her gaze; and certainly not when your son is shooting that gloating smirk at him.

Another time and you think you’ll look at that glare and at that smirk, then proceed to be on cloud-nine, realizing your children, despite being xerox copies of their father (both in looks and manners), did inherit certain features from you as well— something which a terribly competitive voice inside your head claims, is a great win— now, however, is decidedly no such time.

Not when the person you’ve loved for these many years and know, will continue to do so for an eternity, looks one step away from being tormented to death– by none but the two milk-toothed lights of both of your lives.

You watch Sachiko’s frown deepen, more than should be possible for someone her age, then begin.

"Papa, I'm sorry but I have to break our deal. Sachiro is right. We two are the strongest duo of twins in the multiverse — we can't let you break our team this way. So, what if my brother makes a mistake? He's a young baby and babies are allowed to make mistakes, aren't they?"

You wonder if she truly understands she was born a mere six minutes prior than her brother... and not six whole years, as appears to be the case right now. Holding back chuckles, you spare the person, addressed in the ‘not-really-apology' apology, an amused glance, then nod your head solemnly at her words.

"They are, baby. They so are," you agree in the very next instant, then ask, a genuine inquiring inflection to your tone, "But what deal did Papa make you agree to, baby? Sounds pretty serious to me, to be honest."

"Oh, it wasn't anything, sweet cheeks," your husband begins with an awfully nervous-sounding chortle; too bad, your daughter is quick to beat him to it. Throwing him a smirk, you can only describe to be devious, she looks back at you and grins. "Two weeks back, Papa found me in the living room, late at night, staring at shooting stars through the windows. And I found him walking away from the kitchen, eating a giant chocolate bar. Papa said you’ll be very mad because we didn’t listen to what you said, so, we should make a deal and become a team to keep this a secret from you."

"Papa made that deal– only to divide us. So, our strong team can be destroyed and he can easily defeat us and keep you all for himself, Mama," your son chips in, puffy eyes narrowed into a very hard glare. Your daughter agrees vehemently from the opposite side.

Your eyes drop to the glass of lemonade before you; you try your best to stifle the yawn.

This fight over your affection has been going on since the time your children turned four or so... and despite them nearing an age of six in few months, no end can be seen in the horizon, to this war raging within your home...

And as for the matter of Sachiko being awake way past her bedtime? You reckon you can't really do much on this, other than repeating the rules and the reasons behind each one of them– especially of punctuality and an adequate sleep– to her, like you did the last time... though, you think of toning your lecture down a little this time, considering it wasn't a video game but a meteor show she had stayed awake for... besides you too used to be — okay, no, wait, what???

Your husband's sheepish grin collides with the incensed glare you aim his way over the table. Letting out a frustrated huff of an exhale, your face turns away from his, choosing to stare at itself in the clean glass windows instead — too, too mad to acknowledge that white-haired, blue-eyed menace of yours, whining apologies with a pitiful gaze.

You screw your eyes shut and let out a sigh.

Being married to the yakuza king, Gojo Satoru, is a story, you deem, it couldn’t have been better, but being married to the sweet fiend, Gojo Satoru?

Oh, sweet– no, strike that, you fucking hate that word—

Oh, sour heavens above.

That's a different story altogether.

▸ if you've reached this point and still love me and/or my writing, istg I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. writing something inspired by one's self-ship is so satisfying but so difficult, ngl. A BIG TYYY TO YOU WHO IS READING THIS LINE RN AFTER READING THIS MONSTROSITY OF A ONESHOT *sniffles*

▸ masterlist

#gojo x reader #gojo x you #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x you #satoru x reader #satoru x you #jjk x reader #jjk x you #gojo fluff #gojo fic #gojo satoru #jjk fluff #jjk fic #jjk fanfic #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #kit posts 📝

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auteurdelabre · 4 months

Text

SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR VINGETTE #2 dad!Joelxf!Reader

Rating: 18+ (explicit, mdni)

Words: 4.7k

Summary: When you send Joel a dirty picture during work one day you don't forsee it changing your entire future for the better.

Tags: established relationship (married), dirty talk, public sex, masturbation (m), office sex, breeding kink if ya squint, wife/husband talk, pregnancy talk, caught, fluff and smut.

a/n: While this is from the STFF universe, it could read as a stand alone with you and Joel in an established relationship!

=========================================

Done as a request from two amazing readers who requested STFF vignettes of:

Also maybe some joel x mc stuff bc girlll 👀🥵

The “fuck me pregnant” smut. 👀

You know who you are ;-p

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Joel doesn't text.

He hates the too small screen and how his big thumbs hit all the wrong buttons. He dislikes that he has to use his glasses to read the ones you send. He hates that at eight years old Sarah is already more adept to technology than him.

So when the first few texts come through to your phone you're genuinely confused.

Joel [11:12am]

Wish you w uhere hhere with me

[11:12am]

Did someone steal this phone?

Joel [11:13am]

what?

[11:13am]

My husband doesn't text. :-p

Joel [11:14 am]

What ttyhe fuck is :-p

[11:14 am]

Tilt your phone.

A pause. Then.

Joel [11:19am]

Jesus waas trying to be romantic and your sticking yourr tongue outt at me

You panic.

[11:19am]

No, I liked it! I was just being funny!

[11:19am]

I love that you're texting me!

[11:20am]

I was just kidding!

A longer pause, one in which you can imagine Joel sitting in his work truck, smirking down at his phone, fingers going over the buttons hitting wrong ones along the way.

Joel [11:19am]

I knoww hoynhey I was ttoo

It's sweet actually, the way he tries so hard. You know texting isn't his thing, technology in general really isn't. But he's trying because he knows you*** like it. When you show him something funny Maria sent you via text or when you're pensive, hunched over your phone on the sofa, typing something over to Alex about work.

It makes you feel soft for him, your body warm.

[11:20am]

I miss you too baby.

Joel [11:21am]

Wish I could seedh you right now

His words are simple but they pack a punch. You wish you could see him right now too. In fact you wish every day was just like the weekend. The three of you in this perfect, happy bubble of comfort and laughter and love. It feels so good.

You've been really busy at work lately, long hours. You wonder if this is what Joel is picking up on. This distance. The thought breaks your heart.

You've also been talking about having a baby. A big step. Joel is so eager, so excited to create life with you. But you? You're terrified. You had a horrible fucking childhood. You're scared of what that could mean for your parenting.

You look at your wedding ring set, twisting it and smiling softly.

The thing is, even if you were the worst parent Joel would be there to help. Joel is the most wonderful parent in the world. He patiently helps Sarah with her homework, he's impossibly kind to her even when she's defiant, he lets her put all manner of bow and glitter and product in his hair as she practices the latest hairstyles she's seen. He's a wonderful father. He's a wonderful husband. He's just... So fucking wonderful.

You take a moment to consider Joel's message, then turn your phone to take a selfie to send to Joel. You're smiling at your desk and on impulse give a peace sign. The door to your office opens and Alex walks through with paperwork just as you snap the photo.

"Tell me you're not sending that to Joel," Alex says and you lower your hand frowning at her.

"Why? Last time I checked he liked my face."

Alex rolls her eyes dramatically, heaving the file of rescue records onto your desk.

"I'm gay and even I know a guy doesn't want a cheesy smiling photo from his wife." She gives you a knowing look.

"Huh?"

"He wants something. . . Special."

When you continue to look confused she raises her eyebrows. "A photo you wouldn't send to anyone else if you catch my drift ..."

Oh.

You laugh breathily, your face going red at the insinuation. You mumble something about getting back to the funders and Alex stops at the doorway.

"I'm heading for lunch with Tosin," she tells you, suddenly all business. "I don't know if you remembered."

"I did," you nod motioning out the door. "I left the speaking points by the front door."

"Amazing, I'll debrief when I get back."

Alex leaves, closing the door behind her, leaving you to stare down at your phone to see the grainy photo of you smiling flashing a peace sign and you wince. Is Alex right? It does look kinda immature.

You delete it.

You glance up to see your door closed and take a moment to consider. You take the phone in your hand again, thrusting it under your blouse and pulling back the cups of your bra.

"Can't believe I'm doing this," you murmur to yourself, even though there's a part of you that finds this all a bit exciting. You press the button and feel a thrill go through you.

You pull the camera out of your shirt, peering into the phones display. You frown when it comes out blurry with what you think is your nipple in the corner.

Fuck.

No it's too... In your face. No mystery. You'll go a different route. You tug open your first few buttons at the collar of your shirt, until the lace of your bra is seen. You bend forward, allowing the camera to capture your winking face and generous show of cleavage.

You hook your finger into the lace of your bra, suggesting more but showing just the skin. You tilt your head so your neck looks long and delicate.

You snap a few photos until you find one you that you like; the one where you look playful and sexy and you attach it to the message.

[11:33am]

Hopefully this tides you over. Xoxo

The photo is sent and you feel your body tingle as you imagine Joel innocently checking his phone for a text only to find that image waiting for him. You put your phone back down on your desk, eyes drifting to your computer.

Suddenly you freeze.

Wait what if he answers his phone while he's at the job site with a bunch of others? What if someone else sees? Oh fuck, what if Tommy sees?! You'll never be able to look him in the face again!

Before you can throw yourself into a full blown fit of pique the alert comes through on your phone that you have another message.

You flip the phone open to his message of just one word.

Joel [11:34am]

More.

A thrill goes through you at the thought of Joel in his truck or at the job site turned on because of that photo. It makes your thighs clamp together as you imagine him looking at the photo, his eyes wide, his pouty mouth parted.

You stand and lock the door to your office. You glance at your watch, thankful that Alex should be gone for a while.

You don't reply right away because your trembling fingers unbutton the rest of your blouse. You'll send him a little striptease you think.

You receive another text from him as you reach the bottom button.

Joel [11:35am]

You laugh out loud at his impatience, typing hurriedly back.

[11:35am]

Be patient.

Your shirt is unbuttoned to your bellybutton and your bra is pulled down to show a peek of your nipple. Your finger grazes the bra cup, tugging. You snap this picture and send it off. The reply is immediate.

Joel [11:36am]

Youu look so good bby

You can imagine how Joel says it, voice all low and syrupy. Fuck you're turned on.

You fumble with the hem of your skirt tugging it down until the band of your panties is showing. You slip a hand underneath and raise the camera again.

Your neck is tilted back and you let the camera capture your lower lip full as you bite it. You send it off, pulse pounding.

Joel [11:38am]

Fuckd oplease morrhee.

Joel can barely function. All the blood has gone to his cock. When he receives another image seconds later, this one of your hands between your legs, head tilted back and your eyes heavy lidded in pleasure he can't take any more. He fumbles the numbers on his phone, holding the cell to his ear.

"Hello?"

"You know what you're doin' to me?"

His voice is low and husky and you're loving that twang of his that comes out sometimes.

"No idea," you smile. "I'm just here working away."

"Makin' me hard, baby," Joel groans. "Had to go to my truck so no one would see."

The smile dies from your face, replaced with a mask of surprise as Joel's words register with you. This is followed quickly by desire.

"You touching yourself, Miller?"

Joel gives a shaky laugh. "No."

You swallow, your face burning with shame and lust. "Would you?"

Joel takes a quick glance around his work site. He's pretty far away from everything having parked in the back lot. But there's always a chance of someone walking by.

"Here in my truck? Right now?"

"Yeah," you offer swallowing. "I.. if you want I'd... Yeah."

Joel can hear it, the breathless catch in your voice. That little hitch that happens when you're turned on. You know he hears it because you can practically hear him smile over the phone.

"I gotta go park somewhere more quiet."

"No," you breathe heavily. "Do it there."

"One of the guys might see."

You don't speak but he hears the way your breathing increases in speed. He feels his pants grow uncomfortably tight now, desperate for you to be there in the truck with him right now. Desperate to see that unfocused look you get when you're turned on.

"Exhibitionist are we?" Joel teases. "You like that I might be caught?"

"I... I guess so," you say surprising yourself. "Yeah."

"How're they gonna look me in the eye if they catch me jerking off in my truck?"

You laugh at this, but only to break the tension. It's a breathless thing.

"Don't get caught."

You wonder if Joel thinks you're depraved for this. In all honesty you'd never thought something like this could be hot. But right now you're turned on out of your mind. Imagining Joel hard for just a photo of you, hearing his breathing grow unsteady.

Joel as always though, knows you so well.

"Making you wet knowing you got me here in my truck all desperate?" Joel asks, and his voice is pitched low.

You let out a soft whine, your hand tightening around the phone receiver.

"Squirming there at your desk knowing I'm palming myself through my jeans right now?" You hear Joel give a soft shudder. "You like knowing that you do this to me, honey?"

"Jesus ... Yeah."

He lets out a dark, smooth chuckle. The kind he presses against the hollow of your throat when you're in bed together.

"And what are you gonna do for me?"

"Anything you want," you say earnestly. "The second I see you. Anything you want."

"S' that a promise?"

"Of course."

"Alright then," Joel says, leaning back a bit on the bench seat of his truck, his eyes scanning to make sure he's still alone. "You tell me what you want."

You pause. It's one thing to say things when you're together in bed, sweaty bodies writhing against one another. It's quite another midday over the phone.

"Gotta hear you ask for it," Joel teases huskily. "Then I'm happy to give it to you."

You can hear his belt buckle and zipper over the phone and desire pools in your belly. He's really doing this.

"Want you to make yourself come," you say just above a whisper, blushing all the way to your roots, "while you're thinking about me."

"I'm always thinkin' about you," Joel assures you with a groan. And you can hear the unmistakable sound of flesh on flesh as he begins to stroke himself.

"Yeah?" You say, swallowing. "What do you think about?"

"How you look at me when I'm between your legs."

Joel is blunt. He always has been. It's what you love about him and in this moment it turns you on so much your mouth goes dry.

"Remember our honeymoon?" He groans, hand moving jerkily over his cock. "That night in Santorini?"

Fuck yeah you do.

You listen through the phone, eyes shut as Joel groans huskily into the receiver. His breathing is heavy, and you can tell he's got his teeth clenched. You hold yourself still, not wanting to miss a single fucking sound.

"You still there?" Joel's voice is thick and rasping. The tone makes your thighs press together under the desk.

"Uh huh," you pant. "Please don't stop."

"You really like this," Joel says and you can almost hear the curl in his smile. "I'll have to remember that."

You can hear the movements of his hand increasing; can picture him in his truck jerking himself off with one hand, the other holding his cell to his ear. Why is that the sexiest thing you can imagine?

What was he wearing this morning again? Oh fuck, that's right. That green plaid flannel, the one that he rolls up so it shows off his thick forearms. This inserts itself into your fantasy and you physically feel your panties dampen.

"You got me so fuckin' hard, baby," Joel grunts out, his voice hitching with each swipe of his palm over the head of his member. "Love knowing you're sitting there turned on outta your mind."

"I am," you whimper. "Fuck, I really am, Joel."

Your legs cross under the table and you squeeze them. Pleasure shoots up your core. You let out a trembling whine at the sensation.

"Love those ... Mmmph....sounds," Joel grunts into the receiver, imagining you there with your mouth parted. "Gettin' close-"

You've started rocking in your seat as you imagine it.

"Want you here, your mouth-"

And then abruptly you hear Joel's breath catch, hear the rustling of his body on his truck.

"I gotta go baby."

Before you can deny this interruption the line goes dead. Your legs cross, squeezing, desperate.

Fuck.

Your phone alerts you to a text coming in.

Joel

[11:48am]

Sorry bby. Tommy was commhing over.

Disappointment doesn't touch on how you're feeling right now.

You go back to your paperwork, deciding that you'll pick up things later when something occurs to you.

You bunch your skirt up to your waist and with a smirk you raise the camera to snap a photo of your legs spread with your damp panties on display. You giggle and send it off with: You owe me. Xo

You smooth down your skirt and re-button your shirt, looking presentable. You stand on shaking legs and unlock your office door, opening it.

You go back to the funding report you have to fill in, your mind turning back to the sanctuary and the animal adoption reports.

An hour or so later the main door to the office opens and you go to ask Alex how the meeting went when two familiar brown eyes come into view and your husband streaks towards your office.

"Joel?"

His eyes are blazing. He comes into your office, closing the door behind him. You stand at his approach, coming to rest your hip against your desk, pulling him into your arms.

He's wearing that green flannel and he smells like the outdoors, fresh and clean. You bury your nose in his neck inhaling.

"Didn't get to finish our conversation," Joel murmurs against the top of your head. “Got your text and saw you needed me."

"Needed you?" You tease, cocking your head to the side, looking up at his face. "Whatever for?"

He gives a wry grin before sliding his wide palm between your legs, pressing over pressing over your clothed sex and rubbing gently.

"This."

He smirks down at you, dark eyes on your lips. You kiss him fiercely, hands digging into the flesh of his neck, urging his mouth tighter against yours. His tongue slips between your lips and you moan against that deft muscle.

"Couldn't leave you wet and waitin'," Joel murmurs as he plants kisses along your jaw.

"Joel we can't do this here," you say amused and turned on. "Alex could be back any second."

"You promised me," Joel says, hands on your hips. "Anythin’ I want the second I see you, remember?"

You give him a crooked grin because really, you can't deny him. You don't want to.

He urges your bottom back onto the desk as your hands reach for his belt. You both move quickly, aware that time is of the essence.

His wide hands tug your panties off without hesitation and within seconds he's inside you, bracing the two of you against the desk. Your arms are around his neck for purchase, his hands on your hips as he thrusts into you.

"So wet for me," Joel groans in your ear as you bounce against him. The desk creaks with every thrust.

"Always," you groan honestly.

"Could barely drive here straight. All I could think about was..." Joel lets out a shuddering groan. "Fucking you right here on your desk. Watching you come for me."

You can barely form words. All you can do is hold tightly around his neck as he fucks into you, groaning and grunting beautiful, filthy things. His thumb finds your clit and begins circling as he slows the movements of his hips.

Joel never lets himself come before you do. Not unless you expressly insist on it. He's working you slowly, his eyes heavy and fixed on your expressive face. You allow him to unbutton and strip your shirt from you, leaving you in just your skirt and bra, body tilted against his as you groan.

"Lean back baby," he urges. "Lemme see you."

You comply without hesitation, shoving your papers to the ground as you rest your spine along the desk. You don't care about funding proposals right now. All you care about is Joel and the beautifully slow way he's touching you.

Joel watches you laying there for him, cheeks flushed and eyelids heavy. He's never seen anything so fucking sexy. And you’re his.

Waking up to you, going to sleep with your arm around his waist, seeing you with Sarah, talking about your day, watching movies as a family, going to the zoo. Every day since you've moved in has been bliss (aside from the odd argument because well, you're both human). He's so ridiculously in love with you. He wants to give you everything.

And the fact that you want him as much as he wants you sometimes seems like a dream. One he never wants to wake from. You tell him every day you love him. That you love Sarah. You want to hear about their days, you want to be around them all the time. The way that unlike with Paul, you showed off your engagement ring every chance you could the second it was placed on your finger.

He thinks about your wedding day, the way you'd looked coming down the aisle to him, how your lips felt when he kissed you for the first time as your husband. The way you call yourself his wife with pride to anyone who will listen.

And now you're here, his wife, laying against the desk as he thrusts into you, begging him for more looking so fucking gorgeous. He'll give you more. He'll give you anything, everything.* He wants to make life with you. Wants your belly swollen and everyone knowing that you're his. Wants to pick out baby names and do lamaze classes and watch you carry something you both created inside you.

He knows you're not certain, knows that you're hesitant and he'd never force you. Knows that despite being off birth control you're still wanting him to use condoms. And he does without fuss. He will as long as you need him to.

If you never want to get pregnant he doesn't mind. He got you and Sarah and that's all he needs. Another baby would be a joyful addition, but not necessary for his happiness.

You're breathing quickly, chest heaving. You don't object when Joel begins tugging down your bra until your breasts are exposed to him. Joel makes a soft strangled noise in the back of his throat as they jolt and ripple under his thrusts.

"How're you so goddam perfect?"

You grin up at him, your voice breathless. "Was gonna a-ask you the same thing, Miller."

You moan when his full mouth finds an exposed nipple, sucking and licking while he worries the other between his fingers. When he gently nibbles there you let out a sharp cry of pleasure.

Joel thrusts between your legs slowly, filling you and with his mouth around your nipple he watches with saddled brows as your eyes roll back in your head.

"So fucking gorgeous."

You're only able to whimper for him, thighs spreading further as he moves himself deeper between your legs. Your ankles cross behind him and he pulls back, his thumb once more against your clit. He can feel that you're close, your hips rutting more aggressively.

"So good," you whimper up at him as the pleasure reaches that apex of pleasure. "You feel so f-fucking good, Joel."

He's curves over you, one hand on your hip, the other between your legs as his thumb works against you. He's looking at you with a look of such love that it takes your breath away. And he's all yours. This is your man. Your husband. Tears prick the corners of your eyes before pleasure between your thighs overtakes you. Your head tilts back.

"Gonna come for me, honey?"

You nod, overcome emotionally and now physically as your orgasm rushes through you. You arch back against the desk and Joel watches as your naked breasts tilt to the ceiling as you tighten around him.

"There she goes," Joel says approvingly, his thumb not ceasing its movements as you crest for him. He feels you flutter around him and he groans as he throbs within you.

"So good, baby."

You preen under the praise and you begin to come down, your eyes so heavy lidded Joel muses that you look asleep.

"Joel," you whine, hands reaching for him. "Please."

He gives you an indulgent grin, leaning over to kiss you. He gives a little grunt when you wrap your arms around his neck, kissing him deeply. You pull back when his hips stay stationary.

"I didn't bring a condom," he confesses. "Thought I had one in the truck. Guess we'll have to finish this up at home tonight."

"But-" you're leaning up on your elbows, watching as Joel smiles lovingly down at you. "But you came here?"

"'Course," Joel says with a small smile, starting to pull back from between your thighs. "Needed to make sure my wife wasn't aching for me all day."

You feel everything in your body attuned to him. Seeing no guile, no resentment there in his deep brown eyes. He really just came to make you feel good with no expectation of his own pleasure. And that's what seals it, though you'd known it all along. You tugg off your bra and shirt completely, your eyes trained on his.

"Want you to come," you say, your eyes trained on his. "Don't care about a condom."

You stand shakily, pressing him to sit in the chair behind your desk. Joel assumes that you're talking about a blow job, so he's confused when you throw a leg over his lap, perching there.

"Honey do you know what you're saying," Joel says when you begin to lower yourself over his hips. "We've talked and-"

"I know what I'm saying and doing," you tell him, pulling him back out of his jeans hurriedly. "And I'm asking you to fuck me bare."

Joel's dark eyes blow wide and you can see the pupil rapidly expand. Desire courses through him and you watch as his cock still glossy and semi hard stiffens sharply to full attention.

"If you want to," you add, hand gently stroking him, feeling him throb under your palm.

He doesn't let you finish. His hands cup your face in his large palms as he kisses you gently, licking into your mouth as you begin to lower yourself onto his thick length.

"Are you sure?"

You whimper, body jerking as you take all of him from this angle, stretching and watching as Joel's head tips back, eyes still peering out at you.

"Very," you promise him as his wide hands skate down your spine. "I love you so much, Joel."

"I love you too, baby," Joel says earnestly. "But if you think you need to do this for me-"

"I don't," you explain, and you let yourself surrender to the building pleasure. "I want this Joel. Wanna carry your baby."

Joel moans, brows saddling and you feel him start to thrust up into you, not holding back.

"Does that turn you on?" You ask, amused that you've both discovered something new about each other today.

"Yeah," Joel admits with a shy grin up at you.

"I'll have to remember that," you tease before you feel him thrust up into you and a stripe of white hot pleasure goes up your core.

Joel's arms hold you tightly to his chest, pinning you around the waist as your head falls to his shoulder.

You two thrust against one another in the silence of your office, the only sound the traffic outside, your combined groans and the wet sounds of flesh as Joel drives himself up into you.

Your body is naked save for the skirt you wear, like some daydream of his come to life.

He slips his hand beneath your skirt and builds the pleasure there, fingers on the pearl of your clit as you ride him. His head is tilted back so he can watch your face, the way your head lolls back when he hits a really good spot, the way you whine a little when you're getting close.

"Gonna come," you slur out, already on the precipice of another orgasm.

"Fuck yeah you are," Joel says through grunts, watching your body jerk against his deepening thrusts.

You let out little whines as you chase your pleasure, your hands on his shoulders for purchase as you slide yourself along him. He feels so fucking good.

"Doing so good baby," Joel says gently, stroking your hair back from your face as he bucks under you. He looks to where your bodies join, seeing the glossy curve of your inner thighs. "Keep going, keep going."

You do, you slide along his length as Joel's arms wrap around you, rocking into you groaning about how much he needs you, how much he loves you and you melt against him.

You come with a shiver, body arching against his as he watches you, marveling at how gorgeous you look like that.

Then your mouth finds his and you take him deeper, feeling his cock nudge your cervix. You hear your husband groaning, his damp mouth warm on your neck.

"Come on, Joel," You whisper breathlessly against the shell of his ear, fingernails digging into his shoulder blades. "Fuck me pregnant."

"Fuck yeah, honey, I will," Joel begins to babble against your neck, his hips setting a brutal pace as you cling to him. "Gonna fill you up. Gonna give you a baby, everyone's gonna know you're mine and-"

Joel lets out a strangled cry as he releases, you feel him pulsing inside you, holding you tightly to him as he empties himself into you. Your entire body quivers as Joel comes, his body tightening and then slowly loosening, going boneless against you.

You both breath heavily, foreheads pressed tightly against one another before Joel plants a soft kiss on your neck, your jaw and finally your waiting lips. The two of you gaze at one another before giggling gently.

"I'm texting more often."

Still panting and giggling in the afterglow neither of you hear when Alex returns to the office.

"Hey so lunch-"

Joel wraps his arms around you, shielding your bared chest from your co-worker as she opens the door and walks into your office.

Alex takes in the scene, you shirtless on Joel's lap as he sits behind the desk. Both of you red-faced and looking guiltily at her.

With her hand still on the doorknob Alex backs out of the room, closing the door, but not before adding a very smug:

"Glad my advice worked."

#joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x you #something to fight for series #something to fight for fic #something to fight for #joel miller x reader #pedro pascal #joel miller smut #smut #fanfic #dad joel miller #joel miller #fanfiction #wingwoman alex #i want to have joel millers baby

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haesunflower · 1 year

Text

xdinary heroes reaction to receiving flowers

genre: fluff

pairing: reader (mostly gn) x all members

about/tags: xdh reacts to you buying or giving them flowers

established relationship, bullet point reactions, lowercase is intentional, this is my first work for xdinary heroes, afab for gunil's, i had to google what each flower represented, sorry for inaccuracies, dedicated to requester @snowflakemoon3

⠀⠀ gunil ⠀⠀

gunil is a whiner

so one day when he complains that "don't you think it's kinda misandrist that only women get flowers most of the time"

you think that's a direct jab at you because he does in fact, get you flowers all the time

on your next date you order sunflowers for him

it arrives via delivery and when he opens the door, he kinda smirks

"finally, i'm being appreciated around here" (jokingly)

he places the flowers in the vase you usually use

later on you find out he saved the petals of the sunflower in a ziploc bag

you teach him how to press and dry flowers for preservation

when he sees your collection of dried flowers from all those times he gifted you, he's so touched

looks at you like you're his whole world as you continue to demonstrate how to do it

⠀⠀ jungsu ⠀⠀

jungsu talks about getting plants for his room all the time but never actually does

so you bought him a pretty orchid to place on his windowsill

he loves it and takes care of it really well

he once read that plants have feelings

so he spoke to the orchid every night, pretending like the both of you were its parents

one day you caught him singing to it

"since when did you start giving private concerts to the plant, jungsu?"

"shut up. water your child, it's dying"

and you're just like??? but you do it anyways

taking care of orchids together become your shared hobby

years down the line, jungsu makes sure the flowers at your wedding are orchids

⠀⠀ gaon ⠀⠀

you were on a picnic date at a meadow

gaon made all this effort to set the date up, even making (which you start to suspect that he actually just bought) all the food you were currently eating

you felt kinda bad, as you didn't prepare anything (well to be fair this date was a surprise)

so while he was setting up the picnic basket earlier, you took the liberty to venture

you found a small wildflower bed full of marigolds and daises

you gathered the brightest and prettiest ones, the ones that best resemble gaon

so when you tell him "close your eyes I have a surprise for you"

and he opens them he's genuinely surprised that it's flowers

his heart goes like awwwww

but ngl he thought you were gonna plant a kiss on his lips

"I can do that as well, jiseok"

he got the kisses and the flowers, it's a happy day for him

⠀⠀ o.de ⠀⠀

"are those flowers?"

he stares at the meal your prepared him, edible flowers prettily arranged on top

you spent the whole day cooking for your date and bought edible flowers to decorate the salads

he's in awe because he's never tried it before

neither have you, so you're hoping it tastes okay

when you both sit down and take your first bites

seungmin says "babe is it me or it just tastes like plants"

"i sure hope so, because it is indeed, a plant"

"right".

you both just sorta stare at each other then laugh

he reaches for your hand across the table to bring it to his lips

"thank you for the meal babe, i love it"

he kisses your hand with such sincerity you want to cry

⠀⠀ junhan ⠀⠀

there was an old lady selling the last of her roses for the day by your university

they weren't anything particularly special, but they were individually wrapped so prettily you couldn't resist

she told you they'd wilt soon, so she's giving them at half the price to students

you decided to buy a red rose to give to junhan

as you stopped by his dorms, you found him strumming on his guitar

you jokingly threw the flower at him and said "bravo, encore encore!"

he picks up the flower and puts it in between his lips and bows, going along with the bit

you both laugh at each others' antics

junhan is goofier since you came along

⠀⠀ jooyeon ⠀⠀

jooyeon has received flowers from someone he personally knew in his life exactly 3 times

when he graduated high school, his debut showcase, and his first concert (all came from his parents btw)

so when you visit him in the inkigayo green room with a bouquet of brightly colored carnations he doesn't even think that those are for him

"huh, who gave those to you?"

"it's for you, jooyeon...."

and he's all confused like "what, why?"

and you're also confused as to why he's confused like? "congrats on your comeback and new mini-album?"

jooyeon takes the bouquet and smiles at the message you wrote

"to my favorite rockstar, jooyeon"

every time he made a comeback or released a new single, you would send him different flowers

in return, he places a kiss on your forehead

A/N: when i got this request i knew i just had to use the gaon flower pictures!!

btw to those that don't know, i take requests for other groups including nct, svt, xdh and of course zb1

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

✎ mobile masterlist

✉︎ request

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kaus-quietis · 1 year

Text

BSD Fyodor Dostoyevsky: an in-depth character analysis

“Человек есть тайна. Ее надо разгадать, и ежели будешь ее разгадывать всю жизнь, то не говори, что потерял время; я занимаюсь этой тайной, ибо хочу быть человеком.” / “Man is an enigma. It must be unravelled, and if you will unravel it your entire life, then do not say that you have wasted time; I occupy myself with that enigma, because I want to be human.” – the writer Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky, in a letter to his older brother, Mikhail (St. Petersburg, 16 August 1839)

The purpose of this post is to present and analyse information related to Bungou Stray Dogs’ Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s personality and methodology. Softer than shadow, unsolved and endless, Fyodor may as well “hide” his soul under our very eyes and we still would not know if that is the “real” him. This is my promised Fedya essay, an info-gathering analysis masterpost I hope you will enjoy and find useful for contemplating and coming to understand his complex character a little bit better.

Warning: merciless BSD manga spoilers. Literally spoiling everything. Also, this is an unbelievably long post (20200+ words). Have some lovely tea, listen to Rachmaninoff, and read in serene leisure or endlessly curious passion.

Last update: November 2022. 20.200+ words. The BSD manga reached ch105, the BSD anime completed season 3, while season 4 is announced for January 2023. Please refer to my original post (this one) in the future, as I could add updates periodically when new chapters release (or so I hope). Please note that I am using the official English translations for chapters 1-94 unless stated otherwise. I am eternally grateful for all fan translations. Lastly, please note that in this essay I will not focus on: 1) connections to F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment or other literary works; 2) connections to F.M. Dostoyevsky’s biography / personal life; 3) possibilities of what Fyodor’s ability could be; 4) the philosophical and ethical side of Fyodor’s motives. All these would require vast separate posts entirely (who knows, I might write them too one day). My intention is to offer guidance in decyphering what Fyodor’s personality is truly like, as well as how his methods and tactics play a role into shaping said personality or BSD’s plot. Last note: in this essay, quite frequently, I am making references to other beautiful posts written by BSD fans, tagging them and linking to their posts. If you are tagged and want me to remove the tag, please send me a message via ask box and I will edit the tag out.

Sections:

A. Let the hand of God guide you: Fyodor and hand / arm symbolism

B. He understands human nature deeply, if not perfectly

C. He values independence and (most probably) his co-workers

D. No confirmation yet that he is brainwashing others and why this is relevant

E. He loves and lives for entertainment

F. Humble, not arrogant. Self-proclaimed god or servant of God?

G. A strange divergence inside Fyodor. Is he a singularity?

H. Soft, discreet, graceful, yet playfully dramatic. His body language in the manga, in comparison to the anime

A. Let the hand of God guide you: Fyodor and hand / arm symbolism

When it comes to Fyodor’s character, even choosing a starting point for our discussion about him might prove challenging. For all we know so far, he is a Russian man with a completely unknown past, he appears to be in his 20s, just a pinch shorter than Dazai (as @kaikaikitanmp3 showed here), elegant, alluring and ambiguously sickly (see section H for more on his self-proclaimed anemia and overall physique). Until we get more canon manga information on his personal profile, I propose we start from something that already has numerous ties to Fyodor’s character, a symbol we can present the many meanings of, only to abandon us to our roaming thoughts later. This symbol is that of the hand, and, before that, the closely-related symbol of the arm.

Embrace of all. A symbol of both power and protection, the human arm represents the instrument to apply justice and punishment, to rule and to guide. Not only that, but as a symbol of a human’s strength and capacity to act, its image becomes that of vitality itself. To open one’s arms is an act of invocation, raising them to the sky – an act of calling for divine blessing, but this welcoming gesture also renders a person wide-open and vulnerable, receptive and embracing. A certain humbleness and vulnerability is involved in this gesture, because only then one can wholly accept what stands before or above them, let them in, understand and feel them. This willingness to embrace alterity, when represented in art or various media, can be of different nuances, thus triggering different responses in the viewer: it can be soothing, heartwarming, comforting, just as it can be unnerving, constraining, intrusive even for even just suggesting such embrace. It is no wonder we see this gesture in how Ango apparently imagines Fyodor (ch78). While his arms are covered by his coat, his open hands, as of darkness, extend towards the viewer. This image appears as Ango concluded that Atsushi getting shot by Nathaniel, later falling unconscious in Anne’s room, was part of Fyodor’s plan. How this plan covered and embraced that outcome is portrayed as unsettling, therefore making good use of the negative values of such body language and symbols. Together with the ch63 panel where Fyodor’s faceless silhouette is shown with his open hands turned towards his chest, each finger pulling a thin string, this example, too, suggests the idea of Fyodor’s influence and interference being disturbingly omnipresent, this time with the hand gesture emphasizing the hidden character of his plans. A different example, of Fyodor conveying openness through body language, specifically showing his palms to someone while even opening his arms in a welcoming manner, is when he was negotiating with Mushitaro in ch55, offering to end his imprisonment in exchange for Mushitaro playing a role in Fyodor’s Cannibalistic Mutual Destruction operation. At that moment, Fyodor’s gesture conveyed the sincere character of his offer, made more impactful by being accompanied by much gesticulation on Fyodor’s part during the whole scene (more on Fyodor’s rhetorical use of expressive gestures in section H).

Honesty and harmlessness. The symbol of the hand also represents human ability to act, putting a start or an end to action, as well as having the freedom to act. Just like the arm, the hand is a symbol of power, justice and dominance, as well as guidance and bestowing blessings. Open palms, much like open arms, convey the message of having no ill will, no hidden secrets, thus presenting oneself in an open, vulnerable position, but also one allowing reception of the other, and, in the case of the open hands, showing willingness to share, as the hand’s different “powers” are almost as numerous as human actions themselves: to contain, to take away, to keep hidden, to harm, to mend, to unite, to divide, to guide, to give. The meanings of these, melted together, would all still accurately be applicable to Fyodor’s character, who, in the most general sense, just like Dazai’s character or even more so, represents the complexity of human nature, so rich in paradoxes, so ultimately impenetrable. Now, showing your hands, and especially showing your palms or inner part of your arms (interior side of the wrists and upper arms, for example), means showing you have no ill intent (based on how, for example, since ancient times, such a posture simply showed the other that you do not carry any weapons). Hence, in this line of thought, we can approach the scene where Fyodor showed his fragile hand and wrist to Ace in ch42. It has a double meaning in this scenario: firstly, Fyodor is indeed honest and open, he does not have an ill intent, because his hidden purpose, in itself, addresses the greater good of humanity; secondly, Fyodor’s intent becomes “ill” only when related to Ace himself, who saw Fyodor as a threat and was ready to deny Fyodor his personhood, as he did with all his subordinates, who became his slaves or, rather, his disposeable objects and instruments. In so many of BSD’s events and organisational dynamics, it is evident how relativity rules the verdict we as readers can give to various groups or characters. BSD features excellent examples of grey morality everywhere, and the problem of whether Fyodor is good or evil is no exception. It is all relative to a past and a future we do not know yet, while still maintaing a certain unnerving, dark side that undeniably accompanies Fyodor’s character at each step. The reader is then immediately reminded of this dark, threatening side of Fyodor’s, as he concluded the ennumeration of his physical and circumstational disadvantages with the abrupt “So how about this? I’ll kill you instead”. And while I did call this subsection “honesty and harmlessness”, everyone is conscious of Fyodor’s potential to harm at any time, most characters living in anticipation of being harmed by him, and yet we still have no clear idea how he applies physical harm (including death), despite having valuable depictions of how subtly he can exert mental and emotional harm, or simply influence, on others (more on that in the following sections). That being said, despite Fyodor calling humans sinful and foolish and expressing his desire to “purify” them (ch46, Fyodor: “Man is sinful and foolish. Even if they know it is all an artifice, they cannot help but kill each other. Someone must purify them for those sins”), we never see him acting like he hates or is disgusted by humans, nor like he forcefully wants to change how they behave. The latter reminds us of the thin line between plain manipulation (a thing Fyodor does when necessary for his larger strategic moves, as he has done in ch47 with fake Pushkin and the children or in ch75 with Sigma) and exerting oppressive corrective behaviour upon others (a thing we never see Fyodor doing, as he never changes the people he interacts with, who they are and what they value; see sections B and C). In fact, his openness to human nature in general is highlighted, for instance, in his interactions with Nikolai and in the way he talks about Sigma (see section C). Opposite traits blend perfectly into Fyodor’s character in most subtle ways, as I intend to prove by the end of this essay, so let us continue gathering such examples on the way, across all sections.

Bestowing blessings. In the manga, Fyodor was shown using a very specific hand gesture when using his ability on Karma, thus openly depicted only in ch42 so far. The same gesture, prepared but changed into one of covering Mushitaro’s head with its palm, appeared in ch56 in a hallucination, when Mushitaro was forced into a corner by Ranpo’s blackmailing, which for Mushitaro triggered images of Fyodor (more on this below). To me, this peculiar hand gesture is like a mixture of different acts I witnessed or experienced in religious contexts (to clarify my background, I’m slavic, Orthodox, and Eastern European, no “expert” in religions but fascinated by sacred rituals), and by this I mean specifically acts of blessing and chrismation done by priests. 1) Blessing marks bestowing holiness or invoking the divine will and protection upon a person (but also places, objects etc.), and is done in several ways: when one-handed and by a (consecrated) priest, using the right hand, with the finger positions spelling out the letters “IC XC” (for Ἰησοῦς Χριστός, Jesus Christ in Greek), the same sign being done with both hands when the gesture is two-handed; when one-handed and by a secular (also done between regular people occasionally), making the sign of the cross over someone or something using the thumb and index + middle finger stretched outwards, similar to the finger positions when making the sign of the cross on oneself. Fyodor’s hand position is most similar to the latter in this case, albeit with a sinister twist: Fyodor seems to use his left hand for the gesture. A different gesture for blessing, in this specific meaning mostly starting with the New Testament, is putting one’s hands over someone. There, this gesture is closely linked to the miraculous healings bestowed by Christ (as in Luke, 13, 13), and, after His ascension, keeping its relation to healing and bestowing the Holy Spirit, to the duty quite literally left in the hands of the apostles (as in Acts, 8, 17). 2) Chrismation is a Christian sacrament, where, in short, the priest anoints another person with the holy chrism, a ritualic ointment, while making the sign of the cross over specific body parts, each being a symbol of something, starting with the forehead (where the blessing of the mind is bestowed). Chrism itself, a common element in Mediterrean and Middle-East religious practices since ancient times, gained a particularly important role in Christianity, being used very often, in both baptismal and funeral rites, as well as sacraments (chrismation and acts of consecration). It symbolizes divine benediction, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but also bestowing power and glory (in the context of coronations or such). Each time the author of the benediction is considered to be the divinity, whereas the one who applies the chrism on the other is a mediator between the earthly and the holy. Notably, this use in baptisms and funerals marks an associations with beginnings and endings, life and death. To me, Fyodor’s hand gesture when using his ability, particularly the gentle touch of another’s forehead, always looked similar to the act of anointing someone with chrism (though it is not usually done directly with the fingers, but with a little brush or one half of the ointment’s recipient), and in line with his canon dialogues, we could say what he bestows is “the great silence”, “the salvation of death”, which can turn into the blessing of a meaningful, peaceful death, bone-chilling nonetheless, such as in Karma’s case (ch42, see section B where I expand upon this). This gesture links Fyodor’s character to the image of a mediator, the role of “the right hand of God”, carrying out a mission that can be regarded as holy (based on Fyodor’s use of religious vocabulary), although we still lack canon material to fully establish whether that is only a trait of his way of speech or indeed a hint for his motives’ origins (see section F).

Threat and manipulation, relative examples. Later, in ch56, Ranpo hit Mushitaro’s most profound, personal weakspot by adopting Fyodor’s type of manipulation, in the form of a one-time bargain with emotional pressure, an offer he could not refuse (Ranpo would have releaved a truth Mushitaro did not want to make public if Mushitaro did not accept Ranpo’s terms; see also @looking-for-stray-dogs ’s post here). However, given that we already saw Fyodor offering Mushitaro a deal in ch55, there is a noticeable difference between Fyodor’s and Ranpo’s deal here, which, in my opinion, shows that Ranpo cannot immitate Fyodor completely (or refuses to) while he also imagines him as a much worse person than Fyodor can be deduced to be, in fact, strictly based on his interaction with Mushitaro. In ch55, it is shown that Fyodor simply offered to free Mushitaro from the basement he was locked in, in exchange for Mushitaro using his ability serving Fyodor’s Mutual Destruction plan once. This deal was fulfilled and their interactions ceased. I would call this a case of pragmatic manipulation, because Fyodor did not profit of Mushitaro’s feelings or past, he only offered freedom from Mushitaro’s cell. By contrast, Ranpo, assuming Fyodor works only (and especially) with emotional manipulation, simply blackmailed Mushitaro into turning himself in. Of course, Fyodor is capable of emotional manipulation (as in Sigma’s and Nikolai’s cases, see section B, but also section H below), but he can also manipulate others not even bringing their emotions into the discussion (as in Mushitaro’s case). By limiting his assumptions to emotional manipulation, Ranpo may be walking down a dangerous path, disregarding the full spectre of Fyodor’s methods. Assuming Fyodor is “the worst person possible” by default could also prove to be a wrong approach, as it is easier and convenient to conclude on that for others, but assumes too much about Fyodor and adds a rigid label on him, one that Fyodor can exploit later. In fact, we saw he already did once, by giving the worst relationship advice on purpose in ch64, in Meursault, when Dazai asked for said advice within Fyodor’s “All-smiles Problem-solving Roooooundtable” (and yet, this, together with Dazai’s lines, were shaped that way for the purpose of establishing the terms of their secret code, as I shall argue below, in section C). Meursault guards are portrayed monitoring Fyodor and Dazai, whom they consider “demons” of crime, expecting them to be exactly the worst souless manipulator and the worst flirtacious lunatic respectively. I would like to thank Eliott @stories-from-saint-petersburg for discussing this scene with me in-depth and putting this aspect of it into very fitting words I shall copy below. Besides the ideas presented here, see also section C for this brilliant scene’s actual meaning, according to what I could deduce further.

Eliott: “But also, they know they are filmed and that people are listening to them. So it would make sense to give answers that are more far from their characters, to confuse or not to give too much info to their jailors. Just like they switch to code when speaking about more serious things. That’d make sense in a strategy where you have to deceive your opponent, the opponent being Meursault. If they both give shit answers (and the answers that are expected from them), then the way they make up their plans will be still more difficult to find out by the prison.”

There is more to be inspected in Mushitaro’s ch56 hallucination of Fyodor covering his head with his palm. For this, I shall leave a different discussion I had with Eliott below:

Lav: “One difference is that Karma (ch42) actually experiences that touch. He sees Fedya's hand, he feels the touch of his fingers. It happened as an event in his life. In comparison, Mushi (ch56) sees this image when Ranpo blackmails him into turning himself in, as Ranpo makes a speech about using the methods of a demon to reach his goal (debatable, I will expand on this when the time is right). Apparently, Ranpo's speech triggers an emotional reaction in Mushi, who then imagines Fedya reaching towards him, making the same gesture he did to Karma, and the panels are white, while the end of this vision (Fedya placing his whole hand over Mushi's head) is in black.” Eliott: “Can’t it simply show the effect Fedya had on Mushi? A feeling of being oppressed and trapped, or something akin to control from a mind that’s greater than his? To me it looks like an allegory of manipulation, but not especially like an ability or something akin to it.” Eliott: “If Mushi saw Fedya use his ability, then he knows his touch means death. Anyway, he knows Fedya is dangerous. Touching someone’s head is a common symbol for either intimacy, fondness or manipulation. Mushi probably knows he can end up killed, and this is a fear that can explain this imagery, and even the manipulation he’s subjected to. The fear of dying is a good motivation for someone. Furthermore, he is still traumatized by the death of his dear friend, so it’d make sense this is very impactful for him, either death or being near / in danger of it? Also, Fedya here looks like how his friend is depicted graphically.” Eliott: “<So,> he doesn’t have to <have experienced this physically before>! Imagining someone threatening touch you is frightening, even if you don’t know they can kill you with one touch. And when speaking of being trapped / manipulated, it’s quite logical to imagine the person that has you trapped touching you, it’s an oppressive image either way.” Lav: “True. (…) One detail that supports this <that Mushi only hallucinated without previously witnessing Fedya’s gesture> is how in Karma’s case Fedya stretched out two fingers (index and middle) to his forehead, much like in a blessing gesture, while Mushi imagines a hand with all fingers fully extended towards his forehead. Also the death touch to Mushi is done with the right hand, while for Karma it’s the left hand??” Eliott: “I still don’t understand that gkflg, I’m wondering if the artist just forgot to draw one right hand ahah”.

Important unexplained details. Everyone’s ability in Dead Apple has an ability gem located on their forehead except: Atsushi’s tiger (nape), Akutagawa’s Rashomon (inside its chest), arguably Dazai’s No Longer Human (inside his chest), and most importantly here Fyodor’s Crime and Punishment (the back of his right hand). Another note, out of all the abilities, only Mori’s Elise, Fukuzawa’s All Men Are Equal and Fyodor’s Crime and Punishment are able to talk or heard talking. One detail unique to Fyodor’s ability and Mori’s ability, though, is that they each have real eyes with irises and pupils, as if they are human, and not just an ability with empty, glowing yellow eyes like in all the other cases, except Atsushi’s tiger. One could surely speculate on why exactly Crime and Punishment has its ability gem placed on its hand, but I want to move on to other topics in this essay. Lastly, on Fyodor’s motto, “Let the hand of God guide you”, see section G.

B. He understands human nature deeply, if not perfectly

Contrary to the popular opinion that Fyodor does not have an ounce of humanity in him or that he cannot understand nor feel human emotions, the canon presents evidence that Fyodor understands other humans and their emotions profoundly. Let us keep in mind the definition of empathy (“the ability to understand other people’s feelings and problems”), as well as the fact that there are different types of empathy, such as affective empathy or cognitive empathy (the latter applying to Fyodor the best). Instead of speculating that Fyodor completely lacks empathy (a lack psychopaths share, and Fyodor’s case proves to be much too complex to simply throw into that spectrum and call it a day; see @tecchous-thicc-buttocks ’s post here, where OP not only has a great post, but also a smashing username AND a superb N.V. Gogol reference in their blog description to laugh your heart out to), I invite you to explore exactly the opposite, namely the idea that he has capacity for perfect empathy and uses it instrumentally to make it suitable for his plans. The canon material showed us many situations that support this (too), as we shall see below.

Fyodor “connects” with others mentally, emotionally and / or spiritually in such an accurate way, that this skill of his is portrayed as bone-chillingly sinister, in scenarios holding starkly contrasting ideas. It is not just about analytically deducing what a person would do next or what would objectively motivate that person, Fyodor knows the depths of people’s hearts, as can be seen in his discussions with Karma, Shibusawa, Nikolai, and the way Fyodor talks about Sigma. I shall present each case in detail in what follows, made into a list of people whose problems Fyodor saw through and responded to adequately.

Karma’s problem was of intellectual nature: to die a slave or a free man, and how those are mutually-exclusive conditions, in regard to which Karma recognized himself trapped in the first condition (slave), but was later “transported” into the second condition (free man) by the circumtances and type of death Fyodor “granted” him. Frequently rationalizing each situation in his inner monologues, pondering each factor and possible outcome analytically and in admirable control of his emotions (as seen throughout the entire ch42), Karma explored, so to say, the “syllogisms” behind what was happening to him too: I want to be saved + I am a bad person + saviours do not save bad persons => I will never be saved; OR I am a bad person + I am not a free person + a saviour can free me by saving me + saviours do not save bad persons => I will never be a free person. Even if the concepts belong to morality discourse, Karma’s approach is straightforward and logical, therefore there is no scene of him begging Fyodor for help, freedom or vengeance, as well as no scene of him even running away from Fyodor: despite being frightened, he was able to withstand his irrational reaction and sought knowledge and clarifications through conversation even in the face of the Demon. Karma was a person who rationalized and accepted his personal condition, and he was all the more shocked that this “slave” condition was dissolved by the events caused by Fyodor. Although Karma had to be killed so that no trace was left by Fyodor, what deserves attention is, on one hand, the fulfillment on Karma’s dying face (dying as a free man), and, on the other hand, how Fyodor gave him privacy when he gave his last breath, as Fyodor is portrayed looking directly at Karma only after he passed away. The fact that Fyodor is portrayed as looking at Karma’s lifeless body afterwards at all can be interpreted as Fyodor contemplating Karma’s end, especially given how in ch42 all background elements vanish in this particular panel, deepening the solemnity of the moment (as @linkspooky noted too, together with Fyodor’s understanding and acknowledgement of Karma as a person, worthy of sharing knowledge with, here). And yet the anime (S3ep4) did not insist on this manga panel at all, skipping it entirely. The prayer that Fyodor offered for Karma at the end (“May your soul find salvation… released from the yoke of sin”), while facing him (unlike in the anime, where Fyodor does not look at Karma at all) was the conclusion of Fyodor’s solemn meditation, and I find it a shame that the anime did not linger on this aspect. This scene blends a merciful death with a necessary crime, such contrasts being typical to Fyodor’s character. This prayer for Karma may in fact not be the only one Fyodor offered to those he led to their death by necessity: indeed, Fyodor’s cello recital in front of a captured Katsura in ch47 may have served the same purpose. Given that Fyodor informed fake Pushkin about Atsushi and Kunikida’s arrival, via the telephone, in real-time, we can assume Fyodor knew exactly when the two Agency members clashed with the armed children and when the little girl triggered the detonation of her grenades. After replying to Katsura’s remark, meeting Katsura with the impenetrable grin typical to both him and Dazai, Fyodor recommenced playing with closed eyes and no smile (thus fully immersed), unlike in the anime (S3ep9), where Fyodor never stopped playing in order to talk with Katsura, yet him stopping to play the cello just for that is, in my opinion, very important, as I will try to show here. Fyodor’s cello recital ended with him offering a prayer, which at its end addressed specifically all children of the world (ch47, “Joy to the world… and blessings to all its children”). Therefore, the cello scene carries solemnity, thoughtfulness and emotion, contrasting with the violent sight of the dead children breaking Kunikida’s spirit, and in this light Fyodor’s recital (which Katsura himself did not understand the purpose of, as he was clueless about what was happening outside) becomes a musical prayer for the sacrificed souls. Once again, despite being terribly beautiful in animation and sound indeed, it is a pity the anime depicted this scene in a weirdly ecstatic and stereotypically evil way, giving Fyodor a demonic gaze and grin, as well as making Fyodor face Katsura while playing, despite Fyodor not being turned towards Katsura at all in the manga (ch47), given how he looked at Katsura over his right shoulder (Fyodor’s body position further supports the idea that the recital was not meant for Katsura). As a closing note here, the anime added a specific detail at the scene’s end, one I personally would consider mischaracterization: in the anime, Fyodor broke his cello after the recital, and yet this never happened in the manga, and now we can guess why (Fyodor prays for his innocent victims). See section H for more on Fyodor’s overall gentleness, as well as my previous post about the cello scene here.

Sigma’s problem is of emotional nature: for a man without a past, lacking life itself before he found himself “existing” directly as a young adult (I assume he is a young adult), he was most desperate to fulfill his most basic and primary emotional needs, i.e. having a safe place to call his “home” and belonging to people whom he can call “family”. These are exactly the things Fyodor offered to Sigma right from the start, as if anticipating his arrival in that state, but Fyodor also praised and described Sigma for Dazai (ch75) in a very positive, heartfelt way that also implies Fyodor’s admiration for Sigma, as well as acknowledges a certain superiority Sigma has, even compared to Fyodor and Dazai themselves. Depending on the true nature of Fyodor’s relation to Sigma, as well as Sigma’s true nature in itself, I assume this point here will change in nuance in the future, but in the present the canon tells Fyodor has read Sigma’s heart like an open book. I refrain from adding more to this paragraph until new chapters give me new ground for it.

Nikolai’s problem is of philosophical and spiritual nature: the very fact that Fyodor could understand Nikolai’s core problem, his central existential dilemma, not to mention how quickly Fyodor grasped it, is something that both elevated and destabilized Nikolai. Fyodor rightfully explained that Nikolai fights God “in order to lose sight of himself” (ch78), which, theologically-speaking, is very much accurate from a Christian perspective: a human’s highest and final goal is to “see God”, to return to where man was exiled from (heaven, the Fatherland or patria in Latin, the future heavenly Jerusalem etc.) and, once there, to contemplate God eternally, finally reunited with their Creator and seeing “face to face” (see 1 Corinthians 13:12). That is, because there is where man’s real nature lies, where it came from and belongs to, but also man being created in the image and likeness of God (see Genesis 1:26), together with a Platonic and Neoplatonic philosophical legacy, led to a tradition of interpretations (part of our overall cultural heritage) where man’s divine part (or God himself) resides deep within the human soul: therefore, introspection or contemplating one’s own self holds incredible importance. Nikolai fighting God “in order to lose sight of himself” is a very well-chosen line for Fyodor and a great way of presenting (a glimpse of) the depth of Nikolai’s soul to the readers, one that opens many possible interpretations, not just the one offered above. Nonetheless, Fyodor’s response is particularly disturbing, because he calmly stated what frightens and enrages Nikolai the most: the fact that the sight of God is, in the end, the sight of himself, his true self, and “fighting against God” inevitably becomes “fighting against himself” too. So what is left when Nikolai fights against this truth? What is left must be what is unique to Nikolai as a being, if there is anything like that at all. So far in the manga, it seems Nikolai struggles desperately with the concept of the “omniscient God”, who possesses knowledge of past, present and future as well, which opens the particular Pandora’s box of “predetermination vs human free will”, a monstruous philosophical problem as old as time (or at least heavily discussed ever since Ancient Greek philosophy and Early Christianity too). One must note that, by answering like this, Fyodor essentially denied Nikolai the success of his mission, but granted him the rare gift or rare curse of being fully understood by someone else. One truth too much, the resulting emotional impact on Nikolai was disastruous, as Nikolai appears to be a person of high sensitivity, very susceptible to the power of words and how they plant ideas in his mind. Even if Fyodor’s response is not malicious in words (see, however, section H, about the meaning of the tilt of his head and how this scene is an example of intentional emotional manipulation), this interaction was profoundly unhealthy and destabilizing for Nikolai, which I would argue is well in the spirit of N.V. Gogol’s characters, having their spirits frequently broken by the most mundane things which nonetheless go beyond what they are capable to live with (read The Overcoat, Nevsky Prospekt first half, even Diary of a Madman).

Shibusawa’s problem was of personal nature, linked to his past: not only the Mayoi cards, but also the entirety of the Dead Apple movie make it clear that Shibusawa and Fyodor were long-time acquaintances before the fog incident in Yokohama happened. The most objective proof on this are Shibusawa’s words themselves, when telling Fyodor (in the Draconia room, in Dazai’s presence) that it was thanks to Fyodor selling information to Shibusawa that the fog incidents could happen, and in Yokohama too at such an impresive scale. Since Shibusawa told Dazai he did not find “having friends” necessary (since everyone was like a open book to him), I will refrain from calling the personal relationship between Fyodor and Shibusawa “friendship”. Now then, later on, despite being surprised by the ability-gathering Dragon event triggering after he approached Dazai’s “ability gem”, Shibusawa was not angry nor shocked when Fyodor cut his throat: Shibusawa immediately realized he found his most important personal memory as a consequence of Fyodor killing him or, rather, Fyodor “granting” him death once again. Here, too, two contrasting images combine: 1) Fyodor offering “death” as a “gift” or “blessing” that gives Shibusawa exactly what he needed most, and 2) Fyodor essentially killing his old acquaintance, but with the twist that Fyodor was aware Shibusawa would not die yet, quite the contrary – as a result of Fyodor putting a fragment of the crystal that gathers all abilities on the skull’s forehead (as a “small gift”, as Fyodor called it), Shibusawa was revived and enjoyed one last “epic battle” and then died a truly fulfilled person. In fact, Dazai predicted this outcome in the very first scene with the three of them at the table in Dead Apple, telling Shibusawa he is the one in need of “salvation”: Shibusawa then asked Dazai “And exactly who do you propose could save me?”, to which Dazai answered “Who knows? An angel, perhaps? Or, maybe, a demon” (then Fyodor enters the scene; note that I cite the dub version and that, at the end of Shibusawa’s and Atsushi’s battle, Shibusawa’s last words to Atsushi were “(…) The meaning of that man’s <Fyodor’s> words. I understand all of it now. It’s you! You must be the angel who has come to save me”). Anyway, the movie leaves several interesting questions unaswered: could Fyodor have granted death to Shibusawa, and therefore give him his most important memory back, at any time, or was the whole Yokohama setting necessary? If the latter, was it necessary for Shibusawa or necessary for Fyodor, and Fyodor acted only when their distinct goals aligned? In any case, allow me to expose something very intriguing in the next lines. After Fyodor granted Shibusawa death by cutting his throat in a single swift knife attack, the moment Shibusawa’s memory of his first death returned overlapped with the moment Atsushi’s memory of the same event returned to him as well. In the flashback, Shibusawa stated that he conducted those ability extraction experiments on Atsushi – specifically, Shibusawa pressed the switch – because “a Russian man” told him Atsushi’s “power was coveted by every gifted in the world”. Later, Shibusawa added “the Russian’s name was Fyodor”. This makes all events align in such a way that one could speculate Fyodor was leading Shibusawa and everyone involved with him (Ango and the government) down that precise path we see reach its end in the Dead Apple movie. This makes Fyodor’s words from ch42 all the more relevant: “People can be so simple… They truly believe they are thinking for themselves. (…) They don’t want to think they’re being led by the nose”; or, in S3ep4’s dub: “People are eager to believe that they are acting with free will, that they know best. (…) We all loathe to believe we can be controlled”. One last thing to note and analyse here: as Fyodor walked away alone on the hallway and the Dragon got unleashed, he had a “conversation” with Shibusawa’s skull:

Fyodor (sub): “I’ll tell you an interesting fact, in celebration of you finding a friend in me.” Fyodor (dub): “In thanks of our newfound friendship, I’ll offer you a bite from the apple of knowledge.”

Fyodor and his ability then delivered their famous “I am crime. I am punishment” dialogue. While there are significant wording differences between the versions cited above, how Fyodor referred to “friendship” here is mocking and ironic, so the nature of the bond between him and Shibusawa (beyond that of “informant and information buyer”) remains debatable. It is beautiful how the dub version of the line offers a splendid example of godly and demonic imagery blending in the character of Fyodor. In a Christian cultural context, two precise ideas come to mind simultaneously when hearing Fyodor’s line: 1) it was God who created everything, including the first humans (Adam, then Eve) in Eden, amongst all the fruit-bearing trees, giving them rules as to what they could consume or not (the power and authority “to offer” something rightfully was God’s, being the one to give and take away, to reference Job, 1, 21), but also 2) it was the Devil who “offered” Eve such a bite, tempting her through suggesting she should eat from the forbidden fruits of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (the infamous “suggestion” was the Devil’s, making a forbidden “offer” that was actually a transgression). It is unclear to which of these two ideas Fyodor is closer, and it may as well be possible he is equally close to both, further encompasing contradicting traits. Nonetheless, given that Karma himself introduced the yet unresolved theme of “transcending human nature” and “transcending good and evil” in relation to Fyodor’s character (ch42, Karma: “Ace was evil, but this guy isn’t even that. He’s some kind of nirvana. Something that transcends mankind itself…”), this particular line from Dead Apple supports Karma’s observations and how Fyodor’s character combines the ideas of creator and destroyer, like @looking-for-stray-dogs put into beautiful words here. This only becomes more interesting when we consider the archetype or role of the “servant of God”, which Fyodor consciously claims to fulfill (see section F below).

Kunikida: Yes, you read that correctly. While Ivan and Nathaniel are, as of now, total wildcards and I do not have enough information as to objectively describe their situation or how Fyodor won them over or “read their souls”, Kunikida’s case is the perfect example of Fyodor’s understanding of a person being so deep and accurate that he knew exactly what actions would cause them to break and render them useless for a significant period of time. Moreover, Kunikida’s case becomes even more intriguing if we remember that Fyodor successfully read his nature without even meeting him. Well, that would be the introduction to this minisection about Kunikida, but frankly I did not have enough time nor energy to dig deeper into this as of now. Perhaps in the future I will update this part with information and links to several great analysis posts I am sure Kunikida fans wrote out already, with their whole heart in them.

These examples share the fact that Fyodor accurately reads the intellectual (Karma), emotional (Sigma), philosophical and spiritual (Nikolai) layers of the human heart, as well as is capable of perfectly adapting to one’s personal baggage on the long term (Shibusawa). This means he posseses an extraordinary capacity for empathy, but, as he never loses his composure (except for small instances of surprise or adrenaline rush, like in ch46 and ch53), his willpower controls every single gesture and reaction he makes, which makes him a terrifying foe who has complete control over himself, never overreacts and thus seems soulless (ch42). His understanding of human nature fiels his skill to deduce future actions and thoughts of other people, which in turn may deepen Fyodor’s individualism or trigger his eventual alienation (paired with perceiving humans as “boring” because they are predictable, to which Dazai disagreed in ch77, albeit it must be noted that this is only an assumption Dazai made about Fyodor, that is not entirely supported by the canon dialogues; see section E), as well as encourage Fyodor to use others as predictable (and therefore reliable) pawns in his plans. Again, Fyodor’s character combines two very contrasting yet interdependent things in his strategies: acknowledging others as humans (with individual problems) firstly, and using them as instruments when necessary, on that basis (as Fyodor becomes their problem-solver). This shows both how versatile and accepting Fyodor is as a thinker and leader (see also section C). Theoretically speaking, could Fyodor use Dazai as a pawn, if Dazai is completely alien from being human? But that would open another massive collective essay on what is going on inside Dazai’s soul and mind, as the fandom so often and so admirably tried to figure out already. Personally, I am a firm believer in Dazai’s humanity, and if Fyodor can indeed understand it all the way to its core, then one may wonder if Dazai’s humanity will be his downfall.

C. He values independence and (most probably) his co-workers

Continuing on the previous paragraph’s line of thought, here’s the catch: it is important to keep in mind that Fyodor nevertheless seems to treat certain “pawns” differently, perhaps considering them closer to him in some regard. People Fyodor refers to as “his staff” (and, in ch64, the faces of Ivan and Pushkin appear as examples) may be a matter of genuine concern to him, enough so that Fyodor asks Dazai how to make his subordinates less dependent on Fyodor: “My staff show no independence. All they do is wait for orders. How can I make them into good workers who take the initiative?” (ch64). To me, this question, even just as a light-hearted example for the sake of their shared prison mindgames, is plain shocking coming from someone always thought of as using people like tools and discarding them like broken puppets. As a first thought, to my stupefaction, Fyodor really took into consideration the independence of even his lower-ranking “pawns” as something worthy of a question, and valuable enough as to lament its lack. However, on later inspection I came to understand that Fyodor’s entire “roooooundtable” session from ch64 is in fact more like an icosahedron with razor-sharp edges (I mean, complex and slick), and can be taken both or either literally (like in this section I took Fyodor’s words literally) or figuratively, assuming Fyodor and Dazai’s answers as being each a substitution for something else entirely. Until I reach that point further down this section, there are more examples that refer to Fyodor’s perception of his co-workers (note: for the manga, my points of reference are the official English translations):

1) in Dead Apple, Fyodor celebrated what he called the “newfound friendship” between him and Shibusawa in Dead Apple, thus calling Shibusawa a “friend”, which is further supported if we take into consideration certain BSD Mayoi card descriptions (“Dragon Head Feud” card description, or “Bundled up” card quote: “Oh my, it seems that Dazai-kun and Nakajima Atsushi-kun have managed to evade us today. Well, if Shibusawa-kun is happy, then I'm happy. I'm his friend, after all.”); however, if put back in the larger context, the benevolent character of this statement is debatable (see section B);

2) in ch42, Fyodor told Ace “My friends have taken over the outside corridors”, thus directly referring to his Rats in the House of the Dead as “friends”, even if the fact itself was a lie to pressure Ace towards his suicide;

3) in ch95.5, silently agreed to considering Nikolai a friend when Dazai complimented Nikolai’s prison game idea. There are two instances where Dazai mocked Fyodor about having a nice friend in Nikolai, both of them in this chapter, and only in the second one Fyodor played along, agreeing to Dazai’s claim, but one has to bear in mind that the two could have been mocking each other in both instances:

Nikolai, ch95.5 (fan translation): “The wish to save my friend is indeed very difficult to falter. That’s why I need to shatter this determination, such to prove the free will of homo sapiens!” Dazai: “Seems like… you have a nice friend…” Fyodor: “…” – Nikolai (after a few lines): “From now on, you two will be participating in a jail break duel!” Dazai: “You indeed have a very good friend.” Fyodor: “I know, right?”

Leaving the debate open as to whether Fyodor is genuine when using the term “friend” overall (see also bsd-bibliophile’s post here, further inspecting Fyodor and Nikolai’s interactions, as well as mentioning one instance of the term “friend”, used by Fyodor for Pushkin, being present in the fan translation, but not in the original Japanese text per se), all this information nonetheless supports the fact that Fyodor himself may not be oppressive towards others, and that his methods rather rely on communication, negotiation and manipulation. Indeed, strangely enough, for example when approaching someone new with the intent to work with them, Fyodor’s ways are all “clean talk”: no torture, no physical abuse, no threats, no intimidation or humiliation, no blood as of now (on the possibility of brainwashing, see section D below). Instead, Fyodor becomes the ideal smooth-talker and deal-maker when first recruiting others, perfectly reading into their soul and appealing to their most intimate desires (see section B above, as well as @gold-pavilion / akai-koutei ’s post here /oldhere, and there was a beautiful addition by @/goddessesofeverything here, but all reblogs of the original post were deleted and I cry). When approaching a clear target, however, there can be freshly spilt blood, for example 1) Mori getting stabbed (ch46), 2) Katai getting shot (ch49), and 3) Shibusawa getting his throat cut open (Dead Apple), in each case the action being done directly by Fyodor (firing the gun or holding the respective knives with his own hands). Lastly, if we take into consideration how Fyodor played along with Nikolai’s puns in vol.14’s omake, and how highly and affectionately he spoke about Sigma in ch74 and ch75, Fyodor’s actual dynamics with his subordinates or fellow Decay of the Angel members could potentially surprise the reader in future updates, because his polite and discreet nature do not seem to be a mere façade.

Another point needs to be addressed here, and it is whether or not we can safely use the word “care” to sum up Fyodor’s relationship towards his close co-workers (thank you, Sel @oddeyesight, for your questions that led me towards considering this aspect in more detail). First of all, one needs to acknowledge there are persons Fyodor worked with and then disposed of in the most indubitable way, like the mafioso he forced information from in ch51, indirectly all children in ch47 and directly the little girl with the grenades, whom he talked to via telephone prior to the events. Secondly, compared to them, there are characters that are closer to Fyodor, which Fyodor refers to as “friends” (so far, this applies to Pushkin, Ivan, Nathaniel, and indirectly consenting to calling Nikolai a friend; see the paragraph above). Looking at definitions of the noun “care” – “the process of looking after someone” and “the process of doing things to keep something in good condition and working correctly” (Longman dictionary) – the first definition I give as an example here can imply affection, whereas the second definition does not, and refers to an impartial instrumental approach. So far, from what I gathered, there is no canon basis to claim Fyodor cares about someone else in the first definition’s sense, only in the second. Until future manga chapters may or may not change this, I propose looking at Fyodor from another viewpoint: in relation to the antonym of “care” (neglect), and a closely-related noun, indifference. For this task I propose starting with the following scene from ch74, when Dazai deduced the Sky Casino’s origin and purpose:

Dazai: “It was made for two goals. As a base for the next terror attack and as “payment” for the use of Sigma’s skill. …Never waste a thing, do you?” Fyodor: “Our boss does hate to be wasteful.”

By saying “Never waste a thing, do you?”, Dazai implied that Fyodor executed all the steps he deduced, yet Fyodor shaked this claim off, directing Dazai’s remark toward someone Fyodor called “our boss”. We, as readers, naturally think of Fukuchi, who is the leader of the Decay of the Angel in title, but I dare say the entire fandom does not buy this, as in everything else Fyodor still acts like the puppeteer determining the actions of all the group’s members, whether they know it (Nikolai and Sigma) or not (Fukuchi probably and Bram). Fyodor humbling himself and downplaying his importance is a recurring behaviour of his, in varying depictions such as in ch46 (Fyodor to Dazai: “I will not be the one who will bring down your two groups. It will be you yourselves”), in ch73’s cover artwork of Sigma holding cards (where Fyodor is not an Ace, not even a King, he is but a Jack of Spades), in ch77 (Fyodor to Dazai: “Me? I didn’t do anything. I just sat here and prayed… and those prayers were answered”; see section F for more). This aside, hiding the identity of Fyodor’s “boss” had at least two purposes: 1) keeping Fukuchi’s double identity hidden (both the Hunting Dogs leader and the Decay of the Angel leader) and 2) redirecting not only Dazai’s, but our attention too. Since Fyodor and Dazai imagine their actions as if within a mental game of chess, let us reconsider the fates of Fyodor’s pieces so far, which include both the Decay of the Angel members and the Rats in the House of the Dead:

1) Pushkin was apparently captured and eliminated from the “chess game” (lost piece, used and then captured by the enemy in ch53), and yet he is alive and well, even shamelessly spilling information to Ranpo to save his own skin, while being interrogated (ch54), providing him with the lead on Mushitaro. Despite leaking information, so far nobody was sent to “clean” Pushkin off the table (as in Mushitaro’s case, whom Nikolai said he was assigned to kill off at the end of ch56). Pushkin leaking information may be intentional as part of Fyodor’s plans, which means Pushkin’s role likely did not meet its end yet.

2) Ivan was apparently captured and eliminated from the “chess game” (lost piece, used and then captured by the enemy in ch53), and yet Ivan survived and is probably held somewhere alive; also, Ivan’s loyalty and “happiness” never wavered, not even when in Rashomon’s tight grip (ch53), which means his trust in Fyodor remained unchanged and he did not abandon his role of Fyodor’s servant and “head chamberlain” (ch52).

3) Mushitaro was, most probably, really supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: died in an exploding car after Nikolai’s surprise attack in ch56), yet he is still alive, last seen (iirc) safe in Poe’s mansion in ch78.5 (vol.18 bonus chapter at the end). Since Fyodor sent Nikolai to dispose of Mushitaro, it is rather clear Fyodor was not indifferent to Mushitaro staying alive, and now this is a loose end, one where Mushitaro survived and we do not know if this scenario has already been integrated in one of Fyodor’s larger schemes or if it will serve against Fyodor somehow later.

4) Nikolai was apparently supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: sawed in half in ch58), and yet he is very much alive and already influenced the current events of the manga drastically. Furthermore, in ch95.5, when Nikolai started explaining his prison game, Fyodor replied “So that’s what you’re planning”, as if the two already agreed upon Nikolai doing “something”, and apparently that “something” remained a surprise to Fyodor, hence his reply was phrased as a conclusion. Note how Nikolai’s action remaining a surprise reinforce Nikolai’s freedom and agency, and Fyodor allowed this and played along, despite how accurate to his character it would be to have deduced Nikolai’s possible actions already. Then again, it could be that Fyodor knew that Nikolai had to hear precisely that kind of reaction, in order to continue playing a role Fyodor secretly predicted for him. Later, in ch98, after Nikolai’s prison game started, when Fyodor was waiting for Chuuya to arrive, Nikolai asked him “It’s been five minutes since the game started. You aren’t gonna move? Can I take that to assume… your pieces are already moving?”. If Nikolai’s prison game is an independent consequence of him independently choosing not to die, then why would Nikolai smile as if in agreement with Fyodor, supposing that everything went as planned? The problem of free will remains unresolved and tightly knit into Nikolai’s character even in the current events.

5) Sigma was apparently supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: shot by Nathaniel in ch76), and just like Nikolai he is very much alive and playing a crucial role still unknown to us (in a conversation with Alex @vampireonastick I suggested that Sigma being on Dazai’s side of the prison game might be a well-disguised infiltration strategy already planned out by Fyodor, with whom Nikolai cooperates on this, despite Nikolai’s “sidequest” to kill Fyodor); we have an important hint as to how Sigma’s death was never required by Fyodor’s plan: the “roooooundtable” from ch64. It is indeed highly probable that the entire “all-smiles problem-solving rooooundtable” session proposed and moderated by Fyodor was his masked suggestion (masked from the guards!) of creating a unique substitution code that only he and Dazai would be able to communicate in, as @fantastic-rambles analysed more in-depth here. And just like @mydearestt noticed in this post here that, through his reply, Dazai in fact referred to his plan to make the Agency move, the same can be assumed in Fyodor’s case. To remember the dialogue, I shall copy the revelant part here below:

Dazai: “Me next. “I tried asking the café waitress out, but she won’t bend an inch. What should I do?” Fyodor: “Make her lose her job and home, trick her family into disowning her and she’s bound to come crawling to you.”

I propose reading this sequence as referring to Sigma entirely, because: 1) Sigma, much like a waitress, was contained and bound to his workplace, the casino, unwilling to leave once there, no matter who asked; 2) Fyodor set up the entire scenario of making Sigma lose his job AND home in the most literal sense by completely destabilizing the casino; 3) by doing unbecoming irreversible actions, Sigma secured his own family rejecting him, and all ties were cut with Sigma’s “death”, yet Sigma survived – equally destabilized, he ended up in a situation where, if Fyodor would have granted him another wish, Sigma would not have refused, naturally seeking the one person who may still have power to grant wishes as grand and Sigma’s, and that is still Fyodor, who both gave and took Sigma’s home. This being said, like Alex @vampireonastick theorized in their post here, I strongly believe Dazai strategically manipulates Sigma in the prison game, “shaping” him to defy Fyodor, the person he would otherwise “crawl back to”. However, since Fyodor chooses his words with utmost care all the time, no matter if truthful or deceiving, I personally doubt Fyodor would carelessly share his strategy (disguised as the grimest relationship advice) without it already being implemented into a larger scheme, in which Dazai acts upon the words he hears from Fyodor (and Dazai already did so twice in this arc, firstly by choosing Sigma, secondly by “building up” Sigma for his eventual refusal of Fyodor). What Dazai perhaps does not expect is the fact that Fyodor himself already talked to Sigma in ways that reinforce Sigma’s agency: for example, in ch73, Fyodor directly told Sigma that, should the Hunting Dogs attack the casino, Sigma should run as he would have no chance of winning; Sigma, on the contrary, remembering Fyodor’s words – not once, but twice in the chapter –, was pushed only more vehemently to defending his casino, thus acting on his own and defying Fyodor already, a reaction Fyodor most likely anticipated when making Sigma hear his “advice as a co-worker” (in Fyodor’s own words, ch73). In the end, regardless of the content of Fyodor’s words, it seems his kidnapper from ch42 offered honest advice to Karma: “Watch out… If you talk to him, he’ll pluck your mind out”. Despite how there is no proof of an actual “plucking of the mind” action yet (see section D), Fyodor’s words (often, if not always) twist the minds of those around him in a way that, paradoxically, both acknowledges and denies them their free will, encouraging decisions that seem free to the agent, but are already predicted and known to Fyodor (and in this, I must admit, Fyodor bears a resemblance to an omniscient god; however, his canon dialogues often convey a different role, a tension I discus in section F). In this light, I wonder if Dazai had this behaviour before too and acted upon words he heard from Fyodor in previous instances, such as the Mutual Destruction arc.

6) Nathaniel was apparently eliminated from the “chess game” entirely (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: captured in Anne’s room of no return in ch76), yet this does not imply he is dead, which begs the question if Anne’s room, the Agency’s only true safe space, is now compromised, as me and Alex wondered here (see also the reblogs and replies to their post).

One thing I want to remark here is that, despite how clear it is that Fyodor “moved” all these “chess pieces” already (only number 3 to 6 are relevant in this case), in ch76, right after Nathaniel got captured, as Atsushi and Lucy were celebrating their victory, Ango explained to them how the events at the casino were no victory, and how instead everything played as Fyodor has planned, claiming that Fyodor has not made any move yet:

Ango, ch76: “We lost because you let Sigma die. Now we have no leads to the Page. And… the Hunting Dogs saw us try to rescue him. In their eyes, that likely looked like the Detective Agency helping their terrorist allies. Our plan failed and we’ve only sowed more doubt. This is likely exactly as Dostoyevsky planned. Frankly… I can’t stop shaking. Until now, he moved none of his pawns and gave us no room to deal with him. (…)”

As I shall leave Ango analysis to Alex @vampireonastick like in this post here, I will return to the fact that so far the only true “chess piece” that Fyodor ever truly let die was Shibusawa. Then, to sum up, when his co-workers fulfilled their purpose and no use nor entertainment can be obtained from them anymore, Fyodor’s pattern seems to be leaving said co-workers with apparent indifference to their well-being, often abandoning them in a state or situation that is destructive to them (Shibusawa is the clearest example, but it applies to all other aforementioned characters as well). However, the twist is that none of these characters did reach the end of their assigned roles yet (and we may wonder if they will ever do that), given that Pushkin, Ivan, Nikolai, Sigma, Nathaniel and even Mushitaro are all alive and healthy. Consindering all this, the way BSD is narrated becomes even more interesting, because the reader would naturally project treating others as expendable on Fyodor, where in fact it is more accurate to Dazai’s character to act this way (and he did and does act that way, as @linkspooky pointed out in detail in their post here). Back to Fyodor’s “our boss does hate to be wasteful” line, while still just an interpretation, it would make sense that Fyodor refers to himself or his ability (if it’s a separate conscious being, see section G) as “our boss”, because all this information suggests that Fyodor himself hates to be wasteful, and that, excepting Shibusawa, Fyodor never wasted even a single pawn of his. That means Fyodor never neglects his co-workers (whom he calls friends!) and is never truly indifferent to them, albeit in an instrumental way, given that there is no proof yet that Fyodor’s care towards his co-workers is affectionate in nature. Let us close this section with a treat, though: in ch51 and ch53, there are two panels of a teacup with three teaspoons to its left. Differing greatly from the anime, albeit delivering the same subtle deception, these three teaspoons help in fooling the reader into thinking that Ivan poured tea in Fyodor’s cup, placed the teacup in front of him and then Fyodor consumed that tea, together with the jam that filled all three teaspoons at first (ch51). Given that 1) Ivan prepared the tea with three teaspoons of jam and 2) at the restaurant, Fyodor drank his tea exactly like that, with three teaspoons of jam, from this we can deduce Ivan is very familiar with Fyodor’s tea-drinking habits, which in turn leads us to the very likely idea that Fyodor and Ivan (if not also together with other members of the Rats in the House of the Dead) frequently had tea together, or Ivan prepared tea for Fyodor often enough to memorize his precise habits. The latter would support Ivan’s self-proclaimed status as Fyodor’s “head chamberlain” (ch52), suggesting that their group lived as family and / or nobility in the same house, if the definition of “chamberlain” is taken into consideration (Longman Dictionary: “chamberlain, an important official who managed the house of a king or queen in the past”).

D. No confirmation yet that he is brainwashing others and why this is relevant

Speaking of his methods of acquiring new collaborators, so far, it is most certain that Fyodor is not brainwashing people: not Fukuchi, not Nikolai, not Sigma, not Karma, not Pushkin, and certainly not the little girl with the grenades, even though the anime depicted the scene differently (in the manga’s ch47, a flashback appears where Fyodor talks to the little girl via telephone, thus he does not simply appear in her clouded mind like in the anime’s S3ep9).

But two characters Fyodor works with are in a very ambiguous position as of now: Ivan and Nathaniel. To begin with, Ivan’s case is very tricky at the moment. In ch53, he openly told Akutagawa that “my master cut out all the parts of his brain that feel unhappiness”. What can I say except our dear Vanya here is a lil’ crazy. I find his replies rather unreliable at the moment, because he is the only Fyodor-subordinate who is behaving like an intoxicated bacchant for now. While the ch53 quote is singular and, therefore, I cannot make anything of it, there is another thing that needs to be considered: in ch52, as he was walking away from Akutagawa and Atsushi, Ivan told them “I will not forget you. …No… You will now serve as part of my master’s joyful order”, but immediately after that he added “after 10 more steps, I will most likely forget your faces”. Apparent self-contradiction aside, whether he meant “forget your faces” literally or not, Nathaniel, too, went through an apparent mind-reset, as he did not recognize Akutagawa in ch46 and appears to have lost his entire personality except for his devotion to Margaret Mitchell and his determination to save her life. Now, mind-resetting and brainwashing are not the same, and removing a part of one’s brain or mind that is responsible for a specific emotion is, likewise, something entirely different. The manga did not give us further examples of similar things that Fyodor apparently had a role to play in, so I cannot present anything new here, only speculation. We also do not know if these effects are caused by Fyodor himself (without using his ability at all, much like he could simply talk Ace into his own suicide in ch42) or Fyodor’s ability specifically. This simply limits my current analysis of Fyodor’s methods to the beforementioned “communication, negotiation, manipulation” trio, which is not dependent nor related to his ability, and I will update these parts if the manga later reveals that Fyodor did indeed mold the conscience or minds of other people into whatever shape or state he desired. Until then, he is literally just a genius smooth-talker, and I refrain from making rash affirmations or going into more speculation here.

E. He loves and lives for entertainment

So many canon lines convey Fyodor’s love for entertainment. It is more specifically entertainment in a “good literature” sense, meaning conflict, tension, intensity of will and emotions, devotion, despair and generally human beings fighting for their needs or to solve their problems of many different, often opposing kinds. Let us take Fyodor’s own words as references. First of all, at the beginning of the Dead Apple movie, as younger Chuuya destroyes the entire building in which he and Dazai found Shibusawa the first time, Fyodor watched the scene from a safe distance, on top of a building. All he did was “absorb” the whole event with utter satisfaction, concluding the scene with his line “This is too much fun”. The motif is repeated several times in the Dead Apple movie, linking his own enjoyment of whatever chaos unfolds to “fun” and “entertainment”, so this line is not the sole evidence that entertainment is greatly valued by Fyodor, as it is the thing opposed to boredom, which constantly eats away at his and Dazai’s hearts because of their superhuman intellect. As Fyodor was getting the two most important ability gems ready for his and Dazai’s plan, Fyodor tells Dazai “Would you not agree that the more entertainment there is, the better?” (dub); moreover, at the end of the movie, his lines highlight the privileged spot of “entertainment” in his understanding of the world around him again:

Fyodor (sub): “Everything is but entertainment. But in order to end this world, rife with crime and punishment, I do need that book. The blank novel sleeping in this town.” Fyodor (dub):“Everything is just entertainment. However, this world is so rife with crime and punishment… In order to finally end it, I do need that novel. This special book that sleeps somewhere within this city.”

However, paying close attention to his words, we need to consider the possibility that in this instance Dead Apple either contradicts or deceives the watcher greatly, because in the manga Fyodor’s goal is clearly referring to “saving the world”, not “ending the world” (see also section G, near the end, for more on Fyodor’s possible motivation).

Now, in the manga (ch63), Fyodor stated that he openly refused to devise a perfect plan (as demanded by another Decay of the Angel member, possibly Fukuchi) because perfection is boring (Fyodor, ch63: “A Decay comrade asked me for the perfect plan… but perfect is so boring. I won’t be able to view the karma of humanity like this”). While at first glance one could be surprised by this statement, especially considering that “God prefers perfection and harmony”, in Fyodor’s own words from ch77 (see section G where I expand on this specifically), both lines (perfection is boring + God favours perfection) could potentially be extremely deceiving: since the Agency knows Fyodor is involved in crafting the Decay of the Angel’s plan, it is probably this implication that leads, for example, Kyouka in ch63 to tell Atsushi that their plan is “extensive and flawless”, and Atsushi’s inner monologue, as a response, appears together with a panel of a faceless Fyodor pulling strained strings in the darkness. If everyone expects Fyodor to be perfect and to create flawless strategies, an opponent like Dazai could include unpredictable, irrational or impulsive actions in his own strategies to outsmart him, as Dazai describes his appreciative acknowledgement of this behaviour he finds in other people (Dazai to Fyodor, ch77: “What’s driving the world are those in the storm of accidental events who scream, run and spill blood. Faced with their souls, you and I should be petrified with fear”; more on this specific dialogue in the next paragraph). But knowing this reaction would be triggered, Fyodor could always integrate imperfections in his plans, leaving his opponents with the impression that they act in the right way, on their free will, when in fact nothing they do has not been already considered by Fyodor (holding true to his lines from ch42). Personality-wise, the “perfection is boring” line becomes relevant if (and only if) Fyodor really, truly means it literally, and 1) does not say it just to tell what his opponent(s) (or the reader themselves) would want or expect to hear, without meaning it, or 2) does not say it as some kind of reverse-psychology, without personal attachment, to trigger predictable reactions in his opponent(s) (again, see section G for a continuation of this particular discussion). As a last example to support the idea of Fyodor loving entertainment, finding both fun and beauty in it, when a very shocked Dazai was asking Fyodor about the reason (“for what?”) for his stupefying strategic moves (the coin bombs, staging the casino as the battleground etc.), Fyodor only replied “Isn’t it more beautiful that way?”.

Now, ch77 presents us with a dialogue between Fyodor and Dazai which seems easy to understand at first, but becomes increasingly complex the more one dwells on it. To remember the full context clearly again, I shall sum it up and add the full relevant quote here: after Fyodor told Dazai that “God favours perfection and harmony”, after which it is confirmed that the Page was also used for changing all the world’s police and investigative agencies not to act upon evidence of someone framing the Agency, a parallel is shown with Tachihara who, inside his heart, decided to finally identify fully as part of the Port Mafia, exiting the inner state of being a Hunting Dog (military police force), thus existing the Page’s influence. Tachihara’s situation exemplifies what Dazai then explains to Fyodor:

Dazai, ch77: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Siding with God sure didn’t teach you much!” Fyodor: “…Let’s hear it.” Dazai: “‘Perfection and harmony’? To God, those amount to a hill of beans. I saw it many times. All HE offers is happenstance and absurdity. A weakness… shared by the two of us… For all our ingenious plans, in the end we’ve wound up here, in a deep-level prison. What’s driving the world are those in the storm of accidental events who scream, run and spill blood. Faced with their souls, you and I should be petrified with fear. (after POV change to Tachihara) You’re right. People are sinful and foolish. But… they aren’t as boring as you think they are.”

In Dazai’s dialogue, I put in bold two quotes that need to be inspected. The first one refers to Dazai pointing out a weakness the two geniuses share, which refers to the primacy of the accidental in reality, as opposed to the predictability both Fyodor and Dazai operate with in all their plans, which can make the world seem trapped in an inescapable causality rationally-accesible to those with an intellect such as theirs. Dazai “bets” against Fyodor on this cruel primacy of “happenstance and absurdity”, where reason fails to follow the exact consequences of each event or human action, and yet the nuances and risks of this “bet” I already exposed in the paragraph above. In this context, Dazai seems indeed to talk about this weakness in an admirative, even hopeful tone, despite the fact that he shares it; for a brilliant exposition on Dazai (both the author and his BSD counterpart) in relation to sin and weakness, I wholeheartedly recommend reading Kat’s (@pompompurin1028) essay here. When Dazai stated this, a flashback to Odasaku’s fight with André Gide is shown, which can be interpreted as that one time Dazai’s predictions held true, yet still Odasaku chose to fight Gide, fully aware of the end, driven only by what I would call here human subjective drive. Such human subjective drive, independent from reason and logic, is what awakened in Tachihara as well: if Odasaku served as an example of “defeating” Dazai by exploiting his vulnerability to the (uncontrollable) accidental, then Tachihara served as an example of “defeating” Fyodor’s precautious plans by unexpectedly exiting the Page’s influence. In the end, this parallel can become unbalanced if Fyodor already included this kind of variables in his plans and works not ignoring, but embracing human individuality and spontaneity, which I would argue is (paradoxically) more likely the case, for what I exposed in sections B and C.

As for the second quote I put in bold, there are at least the following examples that render Dazai’s assumption (that Fyodor considers people boring) untrue: 1) in ch75, Fyodor openly praised Sigma, carefully examining his personal torment, placing him not only above the Hunting Dogs, but also above Dazai and himself, as well as “all of creation” ; 2) in ch78, in a flashback, as a reaction to (presumably listening to) Nikolai’s inner struggle, Fyodor replied “That’s wonderful”, smiling and tilting his head (see section B, as well as H for the significance of the tilt of the head); 3) in ch80, Fyodor described the Agency “as beautiful as the evening sunlight (…)”. If people are indeed boring to Fyodor, he would not find their struggles and states worthy of deeper consideration, lengthy speeches of praise or expressive, poetic comparisons (admittedly with a dash of pity and sarcasm towards the fate of the Agency). So far, Fyodor is never shown expressing boredom in the presence of other people, quite the contrary: he is shown expressing sincere interest, as if each human is a case study, an enigma to be unravelled, much like Fyodor himself is to me, and to us within the BSD community (therefore I chose that specific fragment from F.M. Dostoyevsky’s letters to start my essay with, as a motto; there is much more to be said about that, but I reserve that for another possible future essay, where it would be necessary to discuss Fyodor’s character in light of his corresponding author’s biography, personality and literary works as a whole). And so, I would argue that to Fyodor humans are not boring, but providers of entertainment worthy of attention and inspection, even more so when they play a role in his plans (and it seems everybody is playing on a stage set by Fyodor so far).

Fyodor is also quite fond of not only perceiving events or circumstances as games (like his mental chess game with Dazai in prison, starting in ch63, always mirroring the course of everyone’s actions outside), but also proposing this approach to others (his rooooundtable in ch64 and his card guessing contest with Ace in ch42), albeit not carelessly, as each time such – yeah, I cannot avoid it at this point, I’m a gamer myself, here it comes *inhales deeply* – each time such gamer approach has a multifaceted utility and never strays from serving Fyodor’s two main purposes, achieving his plan to cleanse the world of abilities, and having fun (yes). Killing boredom via playing games, especially when in the company of a person on the same level, seems to be the first move Fyodor does when faced with monotony (even in vol. 20’scredit page, where Fyodor said “I’m bored. Let’s play twenty questions”, even if Dazai immediately delivers the final answer “Snow White”, and thus Fyodor retracted his idea with “Actually let’s not”, as Dazai’s superhuman intellect killed the fun too fast).

To look into two examples just a bit more, in ch64, during his roooooundtable with Dazai, Fyodor suggested “Next, let’s ask a question at the same time”, which appeared to be innocently fun, because it challenges two persons, in this case a native and a non-native speaker of Japanese, to coordinate their spelling just for the amusement of simultaneity; then, in ch97, as Nikolai’s deadly prison game was about to start, Fyodor lamented the outcome he was confidently foreseeing: “Yet losing a chess opponent in the next 30 minutes is still quite sad”, saying this teasingly, still talking as if in the context of his and Dazai’s mental chess game. On a last, entertaining note, because why not, this entire section might as well serve as proof that Fyodor is cat-coded, just like Dazai (see @wintertaurus ’s post here, where they scientifically prove this, I don’t make the rules), despite being the leader of the Rats in the House of the Dead, and so one more fine example of a fictional INTJ further strengthens the definition of INTJs as “human cats”.

F. Humble, not arrogant. Self-proclaimed god or servant of God?

Starting with the latter half of this section’s title, that is a very tricky subject, in fact, because we as manga readers can observe both 1) one line that established a connection early-on between Fyodor and calling himself “a god” if God is dead and 2) many lines by which Fyodor is actually displaying behaviour and speech akin to a self-aware servant of God. Let us begin with the first one. So, in the first chapter dedicated to showing Fyodor to the readers in more detail (ch42), and only in the original Japanese version and the fan translation, the first page of the chapter together with the last page feature a quote from F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Demons. The quote put together is “If God does not exist, I am a god”, which is part of a dialogue by the character Alexei Nilych Kirilov (“Если нет бога, то я бог”, see Part Three, chapter VI, II). Perhaps a beautiful coincidence, but in this exact wording that the fan translation chose, the quote also appears in Albert Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus, chapter “Absurd Creation”, subchapter “Kirilov”, where the French author discusses F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Demons and the mentioned character, Alexei Nilych Kirilov. There, Camus calls that line “Kirilov’s premise”. In retrospect, this is a very puzzling line to appear associated with Fyodor, or rather appear as spoken or thought by him, giving the ambiguity of the quote’s placement on the pages. It is also puzzling because until now BSD gave us a character who seems like a better candidate for using that quote or being a reference to Kirilov, and by that I mean of course Nikolai. Moreover, the way Fyodor talks about or mentions God in dialogues that are clearly spoken by him later (I shall discuss examples in the paragraphs and sections below) very much conveys the message that Fyodor does not think God is dead, invoking him over and over (whether he is referring to the Judeo-Christian God or simply “a god” is not yet addressed in the manga). Still, the most striking information about this quote remains the fact that it is not featured in the official English translation at all. For comparison, I shall put an image with the last page in both versions below, and you can see the scan of the Japanese first page of ch42 here.

As we are walking on quicksand with this one, let us move on to the second point I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph, about Fyodor as a servant of God. Because of his mission, of which he speaks as if it is of a higher calling, of divine nature, Fyodor also appears to see himself as a servant, namely a servant of God (servus Dei). He has the mind and the skill to carry out a mission of divine proportions (for us readers still an ambiguous goal: Fyodor, ch46: “And I will use that Book to make a world free of sin and skill users”, where “skill” means the same as “ability” and “gift”, as the fandom is used to these terms more). This, in turn, could have made him develop a strong sense of responsibility and a feeling of authority. As we are currently following the “servant” train of thought, these (sense of responsibility and authority) are not to be confused with what is called a “god-complex”, a slang expression which loosely corresponds to different actual psychological disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder, a thing Fyodor does not display core traits of. As of now, Fyodor remains surprisingly humble, discreet and respectfully formal both in speech (see @looking-for-stray-dogs’s posts here and here) and in gestures (see section H, on Fyodor’s body language), he acknowledges the possibility of imperfections and even welcomes them (ch63), he was never portrayed as becoming irritated at others (except his eyes expressing either anger or furious determination, as Dazai attempts to drown him and Chuuya in ch101), he is not a show-off and is indifferent to being adored or agreed with, and he knows how to take criticism elegantly when Dazai holds different opinions or outwits him. It is true that his grandiose “divine” goal, his frequent use of manipulation, and his apparent omnisciency and unbreakable composure give enough space to speculate regarding an underlying “god-complex” in his character (together with the ambiguous use of the quote discussed in the paragraph above), but the reader must acknowledge that, in all his replies, Fyodor refers to himself as if to a servant of God par excellence, as is the most evident in his ch77 reply to Dazai: “Me? I didn’t do anything. I just sat here and prayed… and those prayers were answered”.

This direct self-characterization, too, plays against him having an actual “god-complex”. I would say that, by building on the humble yet powerful servus Dei image, if at all intentional, Asagiri presents us a far more complex character in Fyodor. For example, one of the many important subjects in Biblical exegesis, since the beginning centuries of Christianity, was how Jesus Christ, the Son of God, took upon himself the role of servant of God (see Philippians, 2, 6-7), but also of all humans (see the Washing of the Feet), and so humility and divine power become two closely tied ideas. In the manga’s context, Fyodor’s own humility can also have an added disturbing effect on the reader because of the implied power that coexists with it.

On the topic of the “arrogant villain” stereotype, I myself cannot find instances where Fyodor is, per se, arrogant. Longman Dictionary defines “arrogant” as “behaving in an unpleasant or rude way because you think you are more important than other people”, but we know for a fact that Fyodor behaves far from rude and unpleasant to others. Quite the contrary, he is humble and considerate, as can be deduced from his way of using the Japanese language (see the references linked in the paragraph above). He is never portrayed denigrating, humiliating or belittling someone else thus far. What is true is that Fyodor considers his goal (and not necessarily himself unless the manga reveals the opposite in the future) superior to anyone and anything on Earth, and this accentuates his heavy use of smooth manipulation instead of inflating his ego, actually hiding his true self behind more and more layers of words and actions he uses out of necessity to reach his higher goal. If we speculate that Fyodor is indeed (Orthodox) Christian and familiar with this doctrine, then it would be no surprise why Fyodor would cultivate humility instead of pride in general, as pride (superbia) is the beginning of all sin (Sirach, 10, 15) and when pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom (Proverbs, 11, 3). To sum up, I cannot find any manga panel where Fyodor is acting in an arrogant way, so I reached the conclusion that anything related to his arrogance, his stubbornness, his rudeness or, by extension, his superiority-complex is headcanon-territory at least for now. Only in chess did Dazai mention the “maliciousness” of Fyodor’s move while playing mental chess with him (ch72), and this malicious trait can refer to the bold and shocking way in which Fyodor attacks by directly using his King instead of other chess pieces (for a detail exposition of their chess moves, see @blackandwhitemusician ’s post here). Interestingly, Fyodor does indeed reply with “Malice is the greatest fruit God ever gave to man”, yet from what I gathered so far we still have yet to see a true act of malice from Fyodor, that is, an malicious action done for the sake of malice itself, and not for the sake of his higher goal demanding sacrifices or attacks on rival organizations. Lastly, from the current content one can safely deduce Fyodor is individualistic (in contrast to Dazai who seems to learn to rely on others, but once again I shall point to @linkspooky’s post here to underline how, as they said, “Dazai doesn’t work together with others, he manipulates for the greater good”, emphasis in bold mine), but it would take more manga updates to make a step further and pinpoint Fyodor’s egoism or narcissism if he has any of these traits at all in himself, and not in how others portray him when they think about him (how Atsushi imagines him in ch63, or Ango in ch77, or Ranpo in ch95). Not only does Fyodor break antagonist stereotypes with these traits, but – still keeping the quote analyzed in the beginning of this section in mind – he continues to embody shockingly contrasting ideas all within himself, which takes us to the next section of this essay.

G. A strange divergence inside Fyodor. Is he a singularity?

Before I reach the point I want to present here, I suggest we reflect once more upon that unforgettable scene. Continuing in the atmosphere of the ideas from the paragraphs before, it is also important to remember how, in Dead Apple, Fyodor said “I am crime”, whereas his ability said “I am punishment”, and none of these imply Fyodor is seeing himself as a god incarnate who applies punishment, only that there is an open possibility that his ability, if it is an independent being/soul, might see itself as such, i.e. a force to punish others and/or to punish Fyodor himself. This would assign Fyodor himself the role of an agent serving someone or something else (presumably his own ability). About this, a quick note must be made here: since this is a piece of Japanese media, the word “god” can end up referring to something else rather than the Judeo-Christian God (whose name I always capitalize in this post, to emphasize the difference). We do not really know to what god Fyodor refers to all the time, who or what it is, or if said god’s identity remains the same throughout the manga. In this post, I chose to work with the assumption that Fyodor is Orthodox and refers to the Judeo-Christian God. Despite this assumption, I find the relationship between him and his ability truly intriguing, even more so if we put this discussion in the context of “singularities”, also known as “self-contradictory-ability-types”. Now, so far there are two clear instances where self-contradictions are implied in his dialogue, one of them being this scene from Dead Apple, the other one becoming evident when we connect Fyodor’s replies in ch63 (left) and ch77 (right).

Fyodor, ch63: “A Decay comrade asked me for the perfect plan… but perfect is so boring. I won’t be able to view the karma of humanity like this.” Fyodor, ch77: “You pulled the strings of conspiracy yourself, no? But God prefers perfection and harmony. Thus, I followed the heart of God and added one line to the page.”

By openly giving contradictory information, to me this is exactly an occurrence of a stark divergence within Fyodor, so let us give it our complete attention in what follows. Firstly, there is the possibility that Fyodor could choose to say something intentionally if he would directly benefit from the receiver hearing those exact words, even if Fyodor’s own belief lies somewhere else entirely (so the question to that remains open: what does Fyodor truly think about perfection, imperfection and God?). Secondly, in Dead Apple, we see Fyodor and his ability merge back together, from two bodies back into one single body, and this action seems completely voluntary on their part, thus opening the possibility that Fyodor and his ability could manifest separately when they will it. This makes me wonder if each of them can take over their shared body (in turns) when they will it, so that one of the lines reflects Fyodor’s way of thinking, and the other line reflects his ability’s way of thinking, thus the two statements are made in separate frames, resulting in no contradictions being made if, and only if, Fyodor and his ability control the shared body in turns. Even so, because they coexist, the ingredients for a singularity are already there within Fyodor, given this example and the Dead Apple scene, because Fyodor and his ability each identify with a term that contradicts the other (“crime” and “punishment”), with a possible implied superiority or “victory” on his ability’s part (the “punishment” bringing the “crime” to an end, lastly “killing” it on a conceptual level, in a succession that implies a linear flow of time). It would be all the more logical, in this context, for Fyodor to desire victory over his own ability at all costs. How his goal is worded in the Dead Apple Official Guidebook, as pointed out by @aja154ever here, could also indicate a suspicious tension between Fyodor and his ability: “To create a world without Abilities is his desire, and it is a mystery if this has any connection to his Crime and Punishment Ability” (see the quote’s full paragraph on his ability in their other post here). For important references from the light novels on what singularities are, how they come into being and how they can manifest, as well as a wonderful theory on the possibility of Dazai being a singularity himself, see @beans-beneath-moonlight ‘s post here. To close this chain of ideas, indeed on the open possibility of Fyodor being a singularity too, I want to mention what @beans-beneath-moonlight observed in their post too, namely that in the BSD light novel 55 Minutes, there is also “Gab”, Jules Verne's ability that took over and killed him, continuing to live on its own as a separate being, so abilities existing separetely from their user’s bodies, as well as malicious abilities that can turn against their users, both can exist in the BSD universe. Lastly, I put just one useful, but short reference below, on a singularity’s cause and terminology:

Professor N in the BSD light novel Storm Bringer: “By causing a logical conflict with your own ability instead of with someone else’s ability, you can create a singularity,” as he said that Professor N raised his index finger and twirled it around. “That sort of ability. The German researchers who first discovered this, had named it ‘self-contradictory-ability-type’.

There is one last relevant dialogue I want to analyze here. Below are all of Fyodor’s words from his first appearance in ch12:

Official translation – Fyodor, ch12: “It’s all as I predicted. No matter what happens, we reserve the right to do as we please. Just as the hand of God and demon wills it…” Fan translation – Fyodor, ch12: “Everything is going as expected. In any case... you are now given free reign... as indicated by the right hand of God and the demons.”

Notice how the official translation says “the hand of God and demon” (demon is singular), while the fan translation says “the (right) hand of God and the demons” (demons is plural). I asked @popopretty for their advice as to how to understand this line better and, according to them, the Japanese quote allows for the noun “demon” to be translated either way. I shall put their answer below:

@popopretty: (…) according to the Japanese version I have, the original phrase for that last sentence is “神と悪霊の右手が示しす通りに”, which directly translates to “as the right hand of God and demons show/point to”. There is no word to indicate that the word demon is singular or plural, but looking at the context, I think it is safe to assume that its plural. It says “right hand” here, which I believe because the phrase “right hand of God” is used a lot in Bible. It doesn’t make much different compared to the “hand of God” though, so I think the translation you quoted is close enough.

I agree that the chapter’s context, as well as the two coated shadows behind Fyodor, allow for an undertanding where “demons”, in plural, refers to Fyodor’s co-workers within his organization, Rats in the House of the Dead. However, since the official translation opted for “demon” in singular, I want to explore the other possibility here: what would it imply if “demon” is indeed meant to be singular here? I would connect this to what is stated to be Fyodor’s motto in the Dead Apple Official Guidebook “Mist Records”: “Follow the guidance of God’s hand”, as translated by @looking-for-stray-dogs here, or “Let the hand of God guide you”, according to the BSD wiki. It seems Fyodor’s character is connected once again to the symbol of the hand, specifically the manus Dei or dextera Dei, which, in art history, indicates divine intervention, divine approval, divine acceptance, as well as God’s – the Creator’s – omnipotence (see, for example, Acts, 7, 50: “nonne manus mea fecit haec omnia?” – “was it not my hand that created all these <things>?”). The hand of God can not only refer to God (the Father) himself, but also to God (the Son), appointing him to his right hand’s side (as prophecized), which means divinely appointing him as both his “representative” and “equal” (“sede a dextris meis donec ponam inimicos tuos scabillum pedum tuorum”, which, mot-a-mot, would go something like this: “sit to my right hand’s side until I put your enemies as the footstool of your feet”, which is Psalm 109, 1 in the Biblia Vulgata, a verse invoked by Christ himself in Matthew, 22, 44, marking a fascinating continuity between the Old and the New Testament). So, considering this information, the expression “the hand of God and demon”, referring to the subject or entity who “wills” whatever it wills, establishes not only a connection, but a shocking equality between the nouns “God” and “demon”, as the hand belongs to both of them. By definition, the two nouns cannot be synonyms, under no condition, thus the subject of the action makes no valid sense and cannot be an actual conceivable “being” without an external reader’s interpretation (like this one I am trying to unfold). Following on that, what can exist or be conceived in the human mind is someone or something whose “being” implies the contradictory yet inseparable coexistence of someone / something that possesses godly traits and someone / something that possesses demonic traits. Therefore, I interpret the expression “the hand of God and demon” as referring to Fyodor himself, or, more precisely, Fyodor’s existence, which implies him and his ability together, where one represents the “god” and the other the “demon”, although it is still unclear which is which. Given all this, I propose the theory that Fyodor is a singularity, just like Dazai (continuing in the spirit of @beans-beneath-moonlight ‘s theory post I referenced before).

Moving on from the singularity discussion, based on Dead Apple’s “I am crime. I am punishment” scene once again, one can only be certain that the link between “sin”, “ability” and “punishment” becomes even stronger, but apparently so does the link between “human” and “crime”. It is no surprise that the famous nouns of the literary work are used for this scene, nouns that can refer to both the active and the passive component of the implied action (commiting a crime vs being the victim of a crime; applying punishment vs receiving punishment). This begs the questions: would freeing the world of abilities also liberate Fyodor of his own punishment (whatever it is, if it exists at all)? does “freeing” the world of abilities even imply “killing” the gifted, and if yes, would that lead Fyodor to a final act of self-sacrifice (or, closer to the etimology of the word “sacrifice”, an act of making the offered thing sacred – himself in this scenario, together with all the gifted)? If we take into account how Fyodor concluded that he and newly “scouted” member Nathaniel Hawthrone “will cover this land in the blood of the sinners” (ch37), together with what Fyodor said as he and Karma looked at Ace’s hanged corpse (ch42, Fyodor: “Thinking is a crime. Breathing is a crime”, or, in the anime’s dub, S3ep4, “Crime starts with thought. As natural as breathing”, emphasizing the naturality of whatever Fyodor identified as humanity’s “crime”), as well as what Nathaniel chanted as he was on his assassination jobs (ch46, to Fukuzawa: “Death! Death! Death to the skill users! An eternal underground sleep with no awakening!”, as well as ch46, to Akutagawa: “Death! Death! Death to the skill users! … To revive my beloved, I must execute the contract of death”), then we have canon ground to believe the death of all gifted is necessary after all, yet Fyodor never uses such expression. It is always “freeing”, “offering the salvation of death to the evil” (note how he does not say “the gifted”), “granting the great silence”, like in how Fyodor talks to Karma in S3ep4: “All evils that plague this world will receive the mercy of death”, “I will do you the honour of granting you the great silence”, “May you be free from the shackles of your crimes, and your soul be salvaged”. This raises another problem: Fyodor himself, as he says, applies cleansing, purification, salvation, liberation, but his ability clearly refers to these acts as “punishment” instead, which is a completely different concept in a religious context as well. So far, once again, this marks a divergence between Fyodor and his ability, another clear moment when the ability seems to behave like a different entity than its user, with a different perception of what the ability itself does (one possibility being, what to Fyodor is “freeing”, to his ability is “punishment”, or that his ability’s “punishment” is a “cleansing” or “freeing” in a corrupted sense of the words). As a closing remark regarding Fyodor’s goal in general, there is still a lot of room to speculate on its true nature if we consider the possibility of Fyodor opposing not the Agency, nor the Port Mafia, but first and foremost the military and different governments who 1) already have a bloody history of using ability users in the war (as implied by Yosano’s backstory and the bits of Fukuchi’s backstory), 2) had (and might still have) special laboratories researching and even artificially creating ability users or researching ways to exploit singularities (BSD Storm Bringer), 3) may have massproduced abilities of specific destructive types, according to one war story of Fukuchi’s past merits (ch82, when we are told he led an operation to eliminate 100.000 “skill-based ‘werewolf’ test subjects”, with Teruko and Jouno visible alongside Fukuchi in the panel describing this – one hundred thousand “test subjects”! for what?), 4) was aware of or working according to an entire skill doctrine, already developed and, I assume, generally-known at the time Mori used Yosano, a mere child, as his slave to achieve his Immortal Regiment plan, meant to prove that abilities are indeed suitable for use in war (ch65). In relation to this, we could take into account the possibility of Fyodor being repulsed by Ace’s behaviour in ch42 (as suggested by certain expressions of Fyodor in the manga), given that Ace represented the perfect example of someone using other people without any consideration of the weight of their lives, their personhood and their inner world. If this is the “evil” that Fyodor wants to purge from this world, and if making abilities disappear, one way or another, would make him accomplish this “greater good” (ending the use and abuse of ability users worldwide), then we are all the more justified in weighing the morality of anyone involved in this large scheme, starting with those implied in Natsume’s Tripartite Framework, supposed to maintain peace in Yokohama (the Armed Detective Agency, the Port Mafia, and the Special Division for Special Powers together with the military police). Besides this, how he phrased his goal in ch46 draws attention to how he identifies at least two different “sins” in current mankind: 1) that they consciously ignore the fact that they are controlled, and 2) that they keep killing each other regardless of said knowledge (ch46, Fyodor: “Man is sinful and foolish. Even if they know it is all an artifice, they cannot help but kill each other. Someone must purify them for those sins”). Based on this, one can assume he wants to stop people from killing each other, by itself a noble goal, but a backstory is much needed to understand the real nature of it before applying judgement. Personally, based on the current status of the manga, I am neutral on this while keeping it in mind, because Fyodor’s higher goal is still ambiguous, and one should not sugarcoat him, nor paint him as a pure demon just yet. After all, all BSD characters are extremely nuanced, and tastefully so. If we also take into consideration his profile page from the BSD Season 3 guidebook (see @ahli-stuff ’s post here) and how he considers his strength “wishing for world happiness” and his favorite type of person “someone who loves all humanity equally”, we can further wonder if Fyodor will be revealed as a character who genuinely cares the most about all of humanity, with a love that may or may not have become dark till present time, or a love that demanded and still demands the cruelest sacrifices.

H. Soft, discreet, graceful, yet playfully dramatic. His body language in the manga, in comparison to the anime

There are many differences between the manga representation and the anime representation of Fyodor’s body language, not to mention the representation of his character overall. I suggest we treat the manga and the anime (this includes Dead Apple) separately and leave the creation of a clear list of the converging and diverging points for another potential post. I shall begin this section with the following statement, in hope of leading anime-only BSD fans to the truth: soft Fedya is real, because canon Fedya is soft. In the manga, Fyodor’s postures and gestures convey gentleness, discreetness, grace and fragility, in multiple instances I shall present below, in a random order.

MANGA. Being considerate. Speaking of discreetness and being considerate, let’s list a few examples of that. In ch42, when Fyodor’s ability activated to kill Karma, causing blood to shoot from Karma’s face, Fyodor did not look at the dying child, turning to face him only after he died, which can be interpreted as an act of respect for Karma’s intimacy during his final moments (see section B for a more in-depth analysis of Karma’s demise). Another occasion when Fyodor’s consideration was evident is in ch49 and how he took off his shoes and coat when entering Katai’s house (basic common manners, even though we must admit this is still bizzare in the context of breaking into a house to shoot someone, but read on), while the anime portrayed him fully-clothed, with his boots on (S3ep10), thus (what can I even say) disrespectful and uncaring of the cleanness of the (nonetheless wild and messy) house of his intended victim (in the end, not too surprising coming from the man who calls even his vampire slave with honorifics, “Chuuya-san”, in ch101, but also his abducted prisoner “Katsura-san” in ch47; for BSD uses of honorifics and nicknames, check this post here, but keep in mind that it covers info till ch87). His consideration of cleanness is also supported by the fact that Fyodor hid his ushanka in a clean, empty wooden box during his mission to stab Mori and infect him with Pushkin’s virus (ch46), yet the anime replaced the wooden box with a dumpster (S3ep8), setting the fandom down a cursed path of tasteless spamjokes basically.

Gentle touch of minimum intrusiveness. In the manga, the hand position when Fyodor is about to use his ability on someone also conveys gentleness and minimum intrusiveness (barely touching the forehead, using the tips of his index and middle fingers). Even the movement towards the forehead appears slow and elegant, thus even more sinister (for more on this hand gesture and its meanings, see section A). In the anime, however, this hand gesture is replaced by one that makes more physical contact with the other person, obstructing their view and breathing while being uncharacteristically intrusive: instead of Fyodor discreetly touching Karma’s forehead like in ch42, in S3ep4 Karma’s face is fully covered by Fyodor’s palm, which looks uncomfortable, unnatural and oppressive. Another revelant portrayal here, one that also conveys Fyodor’s overall gentleness in gestures, is present in ch64’s cover art: in contrast to Dazai, who holds his white pawn between his thumb and index + middle finger, Fyodor holds his black pawn between his thumb and middle + ringfinger, which, if reenacted, distinguishes itself by how Fyodor is using the least amount of pressure possible to lift the chess piece (thus very graceful), and so we have Dazai, who “takes” the piece and moves it insisting on a more secure grip, contrasting with Fyodor who “guides” the piece, letting it gently hang between his fingers as it is swayed following Fyodor’s movements.

High physical endurance. Despite his frail body, we can safely assume Fyodor has high endurance and vitality, given how he did not even flinch when Ace smashed a full wine bottle in his head (ch42) and how he let himself get captured and be kept in harsh prison conditions at least twice (ch42, ch54) before ending up in Meursault. There is also how he ran away from Mori and Elise (ch46) without gasping or showing fatigue afterwards. More canon material is still needed in order to establish how accurate or severe his self-proclaimed anemic condition is (ch42, “My body is weak and anemic”) or his low blood pressure (BSD Season 3 guidebook, but I only had access to this info via this post here and would greatly appreciate someone confirming this).

Oratory skills and expressive hand gestures. In the manga, Fyodor is always highly expressive in what regards his hand gestures during speeches, yet in a practical and elegant way, implying he has great oratory skills or training, besides excellent communication and manipulation skills (discussed in section C and pretty much all others). In ch42: Fyodor clapped as his card game with Ace ended, thus expressing joy through words and action; Fyodor pretended to be taken aback by Ace having listened to his and Karma’s talk, scratching his head in a wide-open gesture, conveying surprise and acknowledgement of Ace’s skills; Fyodor put a hand to his chest when telling Ace he has trained himself for “battles of starvation”, this gesture emphasizing the personal aspect of the information he offered, which this gesture implies is wholehearted and sincere. In ch46, while explaining his strategy and his way of thinking to Dazai, Fyodor uses various hand gestures to illustrate his phrases as well: extended arm explaining; hand pointing towards Dazai; explaining his higher goal with open palms in front of him, but close to his body, suggesting solemnity and confessed determination; sadly, all these gestures were replaced in the anime with Fyodor just holding his ushanka to his chest, conveying the same type of message as when he held his hand to his chest in front of Ace in ch42, as I described a few phrases above; still, at least in S3ep4 anime Fyodor gesticulated a lot while talking to Ace before the latter’s suicide, following ch42 pretty closely). In ch55, after entering Mushitaro’s basement prison cell, as Fyodor was revealing his intention behind freeing Mushitaro, he raised both hands to his chest, his fingers resting on each side of his heart, a gesture meant to suggest utmost sincerity. After that, still in ch55, when informing Mushitaro on the change of his condition (Mushitaro was captive, “but that ends today”, as Fyodor said), he held his right index finger to his lips, in a mischievous display of secrecy and child-like playfulness. This same gesture can have sinister undertones as well, given how it already appeared in ch47 in this way, where it is suggested, in a flashback background, that Fyodor did the same gesture when asking fake Pushkin to convey the “No changing the rules” message to the Agency, and they found this out after the death of the children. Lastly, these oratory skills can be used in playfully dramatic ways too, like in ch64, when Fyodor switched to the discourse of an overly-expressive, lively host of a (talk)show, as he suggested Dazai to participate in his “All-smiles Problem-solving Roooooundtable, hosted by yours truly, Dostoyevsky”, tilting his head further and further to his right as Dazai expressed growing confusion at first. About Fyodor tilting his head and what it means, see the paragraph below. So, all these scenes point to the fact that Fyodor gesticulates a lot, especially for emphasis and expressiveness during speeches or conversations, or for the fun of the dramatic effect.

Curiosity and tilt of the head. In conversational circumstances, we often see Fyodor tilting his head to his side. In his case, this is an expression of curiosity, in the sense of being (or wanting to appear to be) genuinely interested in the other person’s answers. Note that the simple tilt of the head to one’s side can also express endearment towards the thing one looks at (in genuine concern or admiration of something beautiful or dear, for example), but, combined with oratory skills – which Fyodor possesses as a master of communication – this can be a very effective tool that translates into non-verbal emotional manipulation. To give a few examples, Fyodor tilted his head 1) when he asked Sigma if he wished for a home (ch75), 2) when he replied to Nikolai capturing the essence of his inner conflict (ch78), 3) when greeting (and even bowing to) Mushitaro in the basement, just before offering him a deal to escape (ch55). In all these cases, the persons Fyodor was conversing with were already in a vulnerable situation (Sigma wandering in desperation, Nikolai presenting his inner struggle, Mushitaro being held captive), and thus Fyodor made sure to bind each of them to himself, planting the seeds of dependency by offering them validation and emotional response. Moreover, as a gesture of (apparent) trust, if someone tilts their head to the side, they present themselves in a vulnerable position (the neck area is open), subtly conveying the message that the other person is in a position of superiority, deepening the trap that, in Fyodor’s case, ends with the other people becoming dependent on him as the “benign” manipulator. Still, because of the display of vulnerability, the tilt of the head in itself is a gentle, humbling gesture, very fitting for Fyodor, whose character presence builds on the inexplicable tension between the terror and apprehension brought by his vast intellect and unknown powers, and the humility and gentleness of his speech and body language. The fact that, as of now, we still cannot draw a firm line and say from where to which point Fyodor’s gestures and words are genuinely benevolent or actually malevolent, so he remains beyond good and evil, and fascinatingly so, until more of his character or backstory is revealed. As a last example of Fyodor tilting not his head, but his entire body as an expression of curiosity, in ch42, finding Ace’s vault, Fyodor did exactly that and approached it together with a curious look (eyes opened wider, eyebrows raised), asking Karma something to which Fyodor already knew the answer probably anyway (“Oh, is this it? The vault where ace holds his jewels temporarily, to prevent a price collapse?”) and still Fyodor asked Karma because, I assume, having a conversation made the discovery simply more fun for the moment.

Biting his fingertips and nails. In ch42, Fyodor is seen biting his fingertips in three different panels, and yet the anime (S3ep4) never shows him doing this. Later on, we never see him biting his fingertips “on screen”, but “behind the scenes” he has been continuously doing so even up to the most recent chapter. Looking closely, you can see how his fingertips and nails are damaged and rough even at Meursault, for example, in ch95, when Fyodor is passing Dazai the salt, or in ch101, when Fyodor is inputting security codes to unlock prison doors. Of course, among other things, this habit indicates a Crime and Punishment novel reference, which should be discussed in a different post, and has in fact been discussed in nice posts by other BSD fans already. This aside, unlike his depiction in Dead Apple, manga Fyodor consistently keeps his hands ungloved.

Surprise and adrenaline rush. Other than the moments when his face shows curiosity, in the manga Fyodor’s composure appears to break rather often to express surprise, usually when 1) an brilliant move was made by an adversary team or someone else, but more recently also when 2) the enemy team made a move faster than Fyodor expected. In several of these occasions, his shock is accompanied by what seems to be delight, and I would interpret this as Fyodor enjoying the adrenaline rush of near-death situations (Nikolai’s prison game, introduced in ch95.5 / ch96, to which both Fyodor and Dazai reacted in a grimly ecstatic way) or general “end of the road” scenarios (Dazai and Fitzgerald “catching” him in ch53, although Mushitaro revealed that Fyodor’s capture was intentional in ch54: “And I… can never be forced to reveal the reason Dostoyevsky let them capture him!”). Now, for the second type of surprise, the clearest examples are Fyodor’s ch101 reactions to being cornered by Dazai and the prison room starting to get filled by heavy water. His expressions there do betray true shock, as much as his stare at the end of ch101 expresses true boiling anger and determination, but one must note that, despite letting his composure break, Fyodor may have already anticipated Dazai’s moves, and the true source of his surprise was Dazai executing said moves sooner than anticipated by Fyodor (for example, when the code input device explodes in front of Fyodor’s face, after an initial shocked expression, his eyes regain a look of steel, rationalizing “he got the circuit already”). In any case, for most insight on the whole ch101 situation and the in-context implications of this “already”, I recommend checking out @videogamelover99 ’s post here on, well, basically Dazai being too Dazai for his own good, or @vampireonastick ’s post here for more discussion on the whole ch101 situation).

ANIME. The anime went with a different characterization of Fyodor entirely so far (as of now, November 2022, the anime has 3 completed seasons, and the trailer for January 2023’s season 4 revealed enough to see the anime’s characterization for Fyodor has not changed at all). In the anime, instead of being soft and discreet, Fyodor is confident, audacious and, I would say, stereotypically evil and creepy, whereas in the manga his sinister side comes to the reader’s eyes as a result of all the subtleties his behaviour and schemes imply, as well as a result of the contrast between his gentle appearance and his unnerving actions and plans, as I already wrote above. For example, in S3ep8, anime Fyodor smirked daringly at Mori after he stabbed the Mafia boss, seemingly enjoying it, yet in the manga Fyodor kept a blank face. Since various other differences between the manga and the anime were already discussed before this point of my essay, I propose an analysis of Fyodor’s body language in Dead Apple specifically, which goes hand in hand with his portrayal in the anime, and therefore differs significantly from the soft Fyodor we get to know in the manga.

Secrecy. In Dead Apple, in the first scene that reunites Shibusawa, Dazai and Fyodor, we see Fyodor approaching their table with confident steps and hands in what appears a rather tight grip, as opposed to letting his fingers comfortably open on each side of his body. This could express repressed or hidden intentions, as his fingers, in a fist, cover his palms and do not allow a completely relaxed stance. Next, unlike Dazai, Fyodor does not cross his legs when at the table, he instead positions both his feet firmly and perpendicularly on the ground, which conveys confidence as well, and is meant to assert total control of the room. When putting his arms on the table, he intertwines his fingers and rests his chin on his joined hands. This is a meditative position, suggesting a serious thought process going on behind his puzzling smile (again, suggesting confidence), as well as careful planning, or simply waiting for things to happen as he planned beforehand. His closed eyes shut down the world outside him, we could interpret this as logical in this situation if Fyodor has already predicted and planned everything through, which the movie suggests was indeed the case. The outside world is not as necessary to see in that case, plus he is surrounded by people who will not act impuslively and threaten each other out of the blue, so a sense of blind trust stays between the three strategists. One last thing to note about this scene is the fact that only Shibusawa and Fyodor are facing each other, while Dazai is facing no one, which may subtly suggest the personal bond between Shibusawa and Fyodor, one that Dazai does not share with anyone in the room, or (arguably) anyone at all after Odasaku’s death.

Confidence. In Dead Apple, Fyodor’s pose conveys confidence when Shibusawa shows Dazai the Draconia room (Fyodor is seen with his left hand on his waist, in contrapposto); Fyodor’s pose conveys having hidden motives when he and Dazai entered the Draconia room in secret (Fyodor has his back turner to both Dazai and the viewers, with his hands in his coat’s pockets; Fyodor’s pose conveys confidence AND having hidden motives when Shibusawa surprisingly stabs Dazai, followed by Dazai asking Fyodor “Didn’t you lock the door?” (Fyodor has his hands in his pockets, but also smirks and chuckles at Dazai while looking down to him, with Fyodor’s chin slightly raised).

A playful mind. As to what regards Fyodor’s playful mind, it is made more or less evident through Fyodor’s play of words and sharp, intelligent replies (see section E for his love for entertainment specifically). In Dead Apple, as the singularity event unfolds, Fyodor told a shocked Shibusawa that he will “fill in all the blanks” for him: Fyodor added “I’ll even tell you what was cut out”, proceeding to cut Shibusawa’s throat immediately after. This is a splendid play of word and action, coordinating them in a twisted sense of playfulness, indulging michievously in living a life entertaining for himself. But seriously, for more on Fyodor and his sense of entertainment, see section E above, it would be superfluous to repeat ideas here.

– – –

11 November 2022. At last, we arrived at the end of this essay. The end for now at least, as I could technically add more analysis and external references in the future, if my irl schedule allows it. Since January 2022 I’ve been working on this “thing” I jokingly called “marriage proposal PhD”, because why not, this is an accurate example of how an ENTP proposes to an INTJ, where understanding the other (or continuously trying to) is peak intimacy and love. I guess. However, I “yeeted” my emotions out while I was writing this, because nothing would have angered me more than my appreciation of this character clouding my judgement or making me err in my pursuit of the many subtleties that lead to his many paradoxical traits. Whether I will update this post or not in the future, I cannot promise. This post is intended to be my last contribution to the BSD fandom, but my ask box remains open for futher discussions on BSD or other media analysis. I doubt fans will read everything I wrote, and I am certain the fandom will perpetuate the cycle of Fedya’s mischaracterization despite my best efforts to bring many canon scenes showing different sides of him into the spotlight.

Yes... Despite everything, I am at peace. I thought no media could revive my passion for analysis anymore, no character could make me draw fanart again, and yet... and yet!... Fedya is exactly the type of character one can analyze ad infinitum and feel thrilled at each discovery, at each little possible implication of a word or gesture. No matter how tranquil he may seem, no matter how certain we may be at first of his exterior serenity, for everything his character encapsulates, for everything we know and don’t know about him thus far, Fyodor’s soul is likely vessel to an incredible inner tension, origin of his determination. As I was writing more and more, I discovered he is intense, so truly intense, and that intensity has brought me… and brings me... and will bring me

boundless bliss.

Happy birthday, радость моя.

#bsd #bsd fyodor #bsd fyodor dostoevsky #bsd analysis #bsd meta #bungou stray dogs #bsd fyodor dostoyevsky #bungou stray dogs fyodor #bsd fyodor analysis #fyodor bsd #bungou stray dogs analysis #bsd character analysis #character analysis #analysis #unsolved and endless #beauties and gentlebeauties this is Lav's Fedya essay #please note that with a single reveal in the manga Fedya could make this entire thing come crashing down and I love this possibility #truly in-character till the end #Nov2022: my only regret is that I still had 100+ bsd analysis posts saved to read through and perhaps add more in-fandom refs to this #even when my and OP's analysis align only regarding 1 idea or 2 I find it highly valuable to cross-reference and communicate #I've seen both crueler takes and softer takes on Fedya's character - and some takes that have no solid canon ground as well #I value them all because discussion is important and it builds our minds - but mischaracterization should be recognized as such #I hope that in the future I can update this essay with more references to express my gratitude towards the analysis part of the fandom too #till then I hope the readers of this enjoyed it and know that I am open for discussion in the replies or ask box #even if it will take me a while to answer

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lakesbian · 9 months

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ok Worm Bigotry Breakdown in more detail for @silverflyingpikachu

tl;dr: author is Cishet White Guy From Canada In 2011. he ostensibly thinks he is progressive. this does not change his proclivity for tossing his Cishet White Guy From Canada Biases into the books and then saying even more bigoted things in defense of those writing decisions on forums. wildbow is just some cunt on the forums with bad opinions on wildbow's writing. the book is 1.7 million words long but i believe in my ability 2 categorize this shit with decent accuracy. everyone who has ever said worm's CWs can't be categorized, including wildbow himself, is a lying ass bitch. this will include some vague spoilers, because i can't really go in-depth without a few examples, but i'll stay away from anything too plot-critical.

racism:

- worm is fundamentally a book abt systems of power and the ways in which they suck. some of the critiques worm issues--e.g, its depiction of how school systems enable bullying, inspired by wildbow's own experiences w/ the school systems as a deaf kid--are viscerally accurate and incredibly compelling. but wildbow fundamentally doesn't understand how certain systems of oppression work--e.g policing--and subsequently, his attempts at depicting them occasionally fall flat onto their face and land in racist territory. this gets particularly nasty when combined w/ the White Guy Author propensity for racist stereotypes--for example, his chosen face of police brutality is a black girl portrayed as predatory & animalistic.

- who is also one of the only black people in the book overall, alongside--for example--an addict portrayed as having less interiority & being less deserving of empathy than A Literal Fucking Nazi. also, the main characters have to team up with the nazis "for the greater good" (defeating the mean asian villains) at one point. it is a mercy to the readers when this part of the story ends. - there are two black characters in the main cast. for the first, wildbow just Straight Up Forgot to include the most compelling aspect of their background + characterization in the text (it was provided via WoG instead, which i provide to all wormreaders like a fuckin' DLC patch when they get to where it's relevant) & entirely forgets they exist towards where the end of their character arc should have been. the second is introduced w/ the most misogynoiristic description on the planet but blessedly has a largely compelling and well-written arc as the book goes on. - depiction of china is just like. fox news level sinophobic "it's all a brainwashed indistinguishable evil cult" shit. not relevant for very long relatively speaking but insufferable to read. asian characters are also like. we got Brutal Yet Honorable Asian Man. we got Fiery Asian Girl With Blue Eyes. it fucking blows it's not good

- oh yeah forgot this one someone mentioned in the tags. #it's an insignificant paragraph and nobody talks about it but the part where it goes #“yeah literally EVERY cape in South America is with a cartel and the heroes are barely distinguishable from the villains” #fuck you #not that the others aren't bad the fatphobia gets really gross but nobody mentions this and that one got me so yeah typical Insufferable Awful Imperial Core Author Understanding Of What Other Countries Are Like - i could make this section one million bulletpoints long but the gist is summarized i think--wildbow's varied racist biases leak fucking everywhere, into character design, into narrative assumptions about who's deserving of interiority/empathy or not, into attempts at Saying Anything About Society, into which characters he prioritizes, into who he offers validity via the narrative, etc etc etc.

homophobia: - theres a girl named amy dallon in it and she is the worst lesbophobic stereotype ever known to man. no other Problematic Lesbian™ you can think of has anything on this girl. the worst part is that she genuinely has a decently compelling character concept and arc, which her being awful is integral to, so you might accidentally find her interesting anyway and then she'll move into your brain - wildbow kept accidentally writing characters that scan as massive dykes and then got really mad about f/f ships for the book being popular in the fandom. he responded by making a deranged forum post involving the phrase "pandering is pandering" insisting everyone (but the bisexual "hedonist") is straight and writing a scene into the book where one of the characters literally turns to the camera and tells the readers "not to get the wrong idea" about her hugging her friend. - over the course of 1.7 million words he finds excuses to loudly inform you that all of the relevant female characters are straight and it's sooo shoehorned in you can always tell when he's doing it - basically worm is like if naruto was about homoerotic teenage girls who do violent terrible things, in terms of levels of unintentional homoeroticism, and the author responds to ppl going "lmao gay" about the unintentional homoeroticism with poorly restrained seething rage

fatphobia: - generic brand of fatphobia you'll see in p much all mainstream media where only side/bg characters are fat and it's obliquely used as a descriptor to indicate that someone has negative personality traits or should be viewed as sort of gross

anti-addict shit: - wildbow generally likes writing about how social circumstances--i.e neglect from society, oppression, failure on behalf of systems--causes crime. he generally likes demonstrating the ways in which the villainous main characters are traumatized teenagers failed by society fumbling to keep existing & holding each other up through The Horrors. unfortunately all of this intelligent writing flies out the nearest window when addicts are involved. there is a gang comprised entirely of addicts, all of whom are portrayed as disgusting, violent, dangerous, and of course often racially stereotyped. it is a mercy to the readers when they're no longer relevant to the story. - on a more subtle level, characters are every so often just like. a little more anti-drug than they would realistically be and you can tell it's wildbow's opinions leaking into their characterization. this is largely what the anti-addict writing is kept to after The Addict Villains leave the story iirc.

if youre wondering wellwhy does anyone read this book then. to that i would say that unfortunately despite it all it'sa fucking excellent book. so we all carry on reading the parts that suck and thinking about how they suck and then reading the parts that fuck and going "ouuugh my god" and rolling down 20 flights of stairs about how hard they fuck.

#sorry if i missed anything this entire post was written while so tired #parahumans #apparenty people lke this one so ill maintag it in case anyone finds it useful its very slapdash though

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punkascas · 3 months

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okay, so i don't want to, like, Start Something or whatever so we're doing a barely-tagged, separate post. i also realise this is mostly pointless because others have already said what i'm going to say, and did it better, with far more grace, and sound less like an asshole than i do.

but jesus louise helen christ, the weird fucked up ideas people have around abuse and personal responsibility and the effect of trauma. like as an abuse and csa survivor, it genuinely alarms me to read posts that use arguments i remember my dad making. like, i'm assuming most of this rhetoric comes from gen z — maybe that's inaccurate; maybe that's unfair. but right now i'm very much Having A Moment Here that the kids aren't alright.

no 22-year-old should be repeating the same awful, manipulative, logically and morally bankrupt justifications for violence and torture my dad says. like literally what's in the first two episodes of ofmd s2 is torture.

i love ed; he's an amazing character. taika is hella wowza top marks acting him. but like.

like.

torture, my dude. physical and psychological. trauma. harassment. that we see the lasting effects of through s2.

just. i. what??

so here we go, okay. have too many, zealously highlighted screenshots so i can dig into details.

cut to save your dashes. content warning for discussions of abuse and trauma (if that wasn't obvious), as well as spoilers for ofmd s2.

re: ed knew what he was doing was wrong and felt guilty about it at the time:

we have no on-screen, textual examples of this. not in the dialogue; not in the acting; not in the blocking; not in the cinematography or music. nothing.

knowing the crew are overworked and kind of traumatised by all the violence, ed bribes them with cake. because, as we know, cake like tea fixes everything. only ed wasn't even with them to share in the eating of the cake. he made izzy responsible for that. he doesn't give the crew a break; he doesn't choose less ethically-fraught prizes to hunt. there is not one scene of ed talking directly to the crew — until he points a gun at each of them.

we see ed crying (and drinking, and rhino horn-ing [way to help further extinction, man]) but it's always paired with shots or flashbacks that reference stede. ed is still all up in his feelings about stede, and ed confirms this when he tells frenchie the myth about albatrosses never needing to return to land. ed cannot go back, does not want to go back, because he was rejected. (like, stede is literally landed gentry, come on!) all he wants to do instead is stay at sea committing to this unhinged version of unstable, sadistic piracy.

but okay, okay. say we ignore all of that. let's say ed does feel sorry and guilty and ashamed of his actions. he knows what he's doing is wrong and unfair and cruel. that it's harming others. that it's particularly harming the dude that ed has, for better or worse, basically spent his life with (izzy; i mean izzy). ed… still continues to do the things! how far off are we at this point from the definition of malicious? you know action x hurts person b and then you do it anyway. is that honestly a better, happier, more ethically defensible reading of the character?

re: the crew didn't mutiny because they love ed despite his violent, sadistic actions.

mutinies were a thing, yes. but both historically and in the world rules established by the show, mutiny is disincentivised through threats, distraction via extra work, and corporeal punishment. we see both ed and izzy use all three of these to try to prevent the crew from disobeying orders. they didn't wait until the storm and izzy shooting ed to mutiny because they understood or sympathised with ed; they took the chance to kill him then because that was the first real opportunity they'd had. the reward finally out-weighed the risk given that ed was going to kill them all that night anyway.

again, we have no scenes, no dialogue, no visual or audio cues to tell us that the crew understands or loves ed — excluding izzy, obviously. fang could also be on that list, if you take into account his personality and his behaviour both in s1 and later in s2 in the fishing boat scene. but in the first two episodes, we only see the crew show trauma responses around ed. they talk about him but almost never to him. and when they do have a direct conversation with ed, it is either confrontation or head down, submissive, "of course, blackbeard; anything you say" placating. i'm so baffled where the show points to any sign of love from the crew towards ed before his "death".

re: ed can't be held responsible because he was suicidal.

uhm. no. hard no. a harder no than stede's brazilian cherry wood mast. fucked up people do fucked up things but part of being an adult is owning your fucked-upped-ness and not fucking up others while you work on unfucking yourself. children, children are not fully responsible for the impact of their actions on others when they're deep in their feelings, especially if they're feeling their feelings as a trauma response. this is because literally their brain cannot do that kind of control. it doesn't have that software pack installed yet. ed does have all the adult updates installed, even if he isn't running them at that moment. he has no right to take out his feelings on other people: to maim them, to psychologically torture them, to abuse them, to work them to exhaustion. to kill them. he does not get a free pass to do suicide by abused employees. (like suicide by cop but more indirect and passive and harmful.) talk about passive aggressive.

secondly, ed is not just passively suicidal and happy to find new risks that might end his life. he is very purposefully taking izzy with him (see: literally removing the bits of izzy that would help let him walk away from ed; the fact that ed becomes actively suicidal only once he thinks izzy is dead; the whole keeping izzy's corpse in front of his and stede's beach shack i mean inn — the codependence, she runs deep). ed is also putting the crew through the same risks, the same isolation, the same danger. both stede and izzy agreed that ed had gone full scorched earth policy. you don't get forgiven for the murder part of a murder-suicide pact just because of the suicide part. not to mention that no one (once again, you could potentially argue izzy as an exception) was good on a murder-suicide pact with blackbeard.

and then to say the crew felt guilty? i assume i'm misreading that. the crew. felt guilty. for ed's actions. that is, if not victim blaming and if not darvo, a very close inbred cousin of them. like hapsburg jaw inbred close.

re: ed healing and his view of himself as a monster.

to heal means, in part, to accept responsibility for the harm you've caused, whether it was intentional or not. it means making amends. it means building or rebuilding relationships where possible. it means putting the other person or persons' feelings and boundaries and need for safety above your desire for absolution or forgiveness. it means working through your own guilt and shame and anger (or whatever drove you to act the way you did) in a separate space, not with the people you hurt, but someone who can be a step removed, more impersonal and objective to help you reflect and face hard truths as needed. i say this as both someone involved in activism and community reparations and as an abuse survivor who has done nearly 30 years of therapy learning this in order to not hurt people. it's not ed's fault he's fucked up just like it isn't my fault i am. but it is on me, like it is on anyone, to make sure i limited as much as possible the harm i can cause to others because i learned some awful but very effective tricks at a young age to survive.

ed does not really do any of the above. he doesn't say "sorry". he speaks in generalised language. he complains about the cat bell (which he seems to wear only for one day, given the implied timeline with lucius and pete's engagement). i have a model ship on a stand that says "this is a safe space ship" as a joke because i work for the government and have written press releases that sound just like ed's "apology". where you take no responsibility and encourage "the culture" to move on.

so, really, my question becomes: ed sees himself as a monster. in s1, we had enough balance between ed's current actions and his referenced past actions to see this belief as likely untrue. in s2 though — i mean, is it? is that an unfair or inaccurate belief? i can understand how carrying that belief can get in the way of ed's growth and eventual healing but like. from an outside perspective of ed-the-fictional-character. he's not a "good" person. he's capable of and has done and continued to do horrible, cruel things. ethically, can you argue with that statement about him?

re: ed trying to destroy relationships because of his self-worth issues and instead the consequences of his actions proving that he's loved.

this is the point that made me go: right, no, i need to respond. i need to say my piece about this. izzy and the crew suffering ed's violent tyranny and then sticking around on the revenge anyway afterwards is not a sign of love. it is not showing love to bear pain for someone. it not showing love to let someone mistreat you, threaten you, hurt you, maim you. their actions are selfish and done to give them feelings of power and control over you. lying back and thinking of england to get through it is not love. it is absolutely a survival technique. but it is not love when you do it at the expense of yourself or others.

i also disagree that ed was trying to push people away or break his relationships with others. we know from s1 that ed is fairly blasé about whether crew members die. again, we don't see any friendly or intimate exchanges between ed and any of the crew to imply any kind of relationship there beyond "tools who accomplish ed's goals". the one exception, as always, is izzy. and as previously stated, ed seems bound and determined, in a very conscious way, to bring izzy into death with him. ed does everything in his power to make izzy want to kill ed, or at least agree that it's best if ed dies, and to want to kill himself so ed doesn't have to die alone. that isn't ed breaking that relationship; it's making it permanent in a really fucked up shakespearian way. the only relationship we see ed waffle between wanting to keep and wanting to push away is stede. after his corporate "apology" and the fishing trip with fang, all of ed's dialogue is with stede and a little bit with zheng until izzy's death scene. the crew loving ed just isn't a thing, at least not one we're shown. not from either side. ed's relationships are with stede and kind of, sort of with izzy (because he does manage to, if not fully break, do some major damage to that).

love did not save ed. ed wanting to live, because stede came back, because he didn't want to jump off hornigold's cliff in the first place, saved ed. izzy saved everyone else.

so yeah: that's it; that's the post. the rhetoric that abuse is love or that abuse can be "cured" with love or that trauma isn't lasting and serious and has impacts on people's daily lives is just. wild. wild.

and terrifying.

my dad was born in the 40s. why is anyone born in the 80s or later still defending this mindset? it honestly, truly freaks me out.

guess it's good i have a fucking therapy appointment on monday.

#ofmd critical #ptsd problems

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enstarriedownbad · 11 months

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Izumi Sena x F!reader

‼️Minors DNI

Genre: smut

Tags: dom! Izumi, reverse yandere, jealous (of you), hate-intercourse, unrequited love (you love him), misunderstanding, rough, mixed feelings

Plot: You’ve been hanging around Izumi’s favorite people for too long. He wants to show you that they only belong to him. For all he knows, it’s him that you love.

Words: 3,059

By clicking on "show more," you acknowledge that you are 18+ and consent to read this fiction.

First, it was Makoto, and now Leo. You have been hanging out with them from time to time recently. At ES, during work, in town… What you may or may not know is that these two are dear to a certain man. To him, your discussions always look fun from afar, fun enough to keep them distracted for a while. The time spent with you exceeds what he, Izumi, thinks is appropriate. Plus, after chatting with you, these two men always mention you to him. That's it, he's jealous.

He's known them for way longer than you, but now all they ever talk about in his presence is you? You would sometimes hang out with them at the same time as him. However, the few times you two interacted alone, you acted differently in front of him than when you were with his friends. To him, it is as if you are seducing them for your own goals, as if you are trying to take them away from him.

One evening, both you and Izumi are held back at ES for various reasons. On your way to leave work, he happens to spot you and takes the liberty to join you.

"Good evening, Y/N," he greets you.

"Oh- Good evening Izumi-san…" you reply quietly.

There we go. The "-san" honorifics followed by a distant tone. He noticed that when you call out for Makoto, or when you chat with Leo via text, you only use their names. So why were you acting so familiar with them? The answer is very simple: you are in love with Izumi. His friends noticed, and gladly give you some advice every now and then because who, other than his 'little brother' and best friend, could help you out on this? That's why they mention you to him: they ship you together.

However, it goes without saying that he doesn't know. He is too busy focusing on potential threats because of obsessive tendencies.

"You know, you can drop the '-san' with me too," he tells you while opening the exit door for you.

"Really? Okay, 'Izumi'," you reply while walking out the front door as you feel your cheeks getting redder.

You try to hide your face so that he doesn't see the blush mess that you are right now. To your dismay, Izumi interprets this as a passive-aggressive sign. He is now certain that you are acting differently around them. He wants to have a word with you.

"Are you going home?" he asks.

"Yes, why?" you reply.

"Hm… Do you want to go somewhere before heading home?"

"Sure… But where?"

He wants to get you to a quiet place, where he won't be bothered by random people. But he doesn't want another 'kidnapping' scandal to happen, so it won't be at his place. It is night right now, so most stores are closed… A karaoke? No, too noisy. Cafés? Too crowded. A hotel? Sounds like a good plan. Then, hotel it is.

Wait… To a hotel? He suddenly has an idea to make you back off from them.

You, on the other hand, can feel your heart pounding against your chest. Izumi is asking you on a date, right? You always lose your mind when you are around him. After all, your little crush on him turned into something bigger recently.

"Can we go to the hotel? I have something I'd like to tell you in private," he replies with a cold tone that you don't even notice.

"Sure, lead the way," you reply happily, eager to hear what he has to tell you.

Once you get to the hotel room, Izumi closes the door behind you.

"So what is it that you wanted to talk about, Izum–"

"I heard you had a crush."

"Huh?!"

'There is no way he knows that I like him!' you start thinking, embarrassed. And you are right. In fact, Izumi still doesn't know. He believes you're into either Leo or Makoto and acts according to it.

"I know you've been trying to get with a certain someone?" he says while getting closer to you. "You know I'm the one who's the most worthy, right?" he adds, trying to show you that he's the better option even though you don't even like either of them.

If only he knew that you liked him, he could have anticipated the fact that you just interpreted all of his sentences in a completely different way.

He gets closer and closer to you. As you slowly back up from Izumi aggressively walking up to you, you realize too late that the bed is right behind you. You trip and fall on top of it.

"I'm not gonna repeat, so listen. If it's just a one-night stand that you're looking for, I can do it. So look no more around you," he adds while staring at you with a cold glare from upward, trying to push you to accept.

What you don't know is that his plan isn't only to make you go to someone other than Leo or Makoto for sex. His goal is also to make you feel 'tainted' so that these two would never want to be with you after this night. He wants to ruin you.

But you love him and don't understand why he's acting like this all of a sudden. You believe he thinks you are an easy girl and wants to try something with you tonight after what his friends told him about you. It's the only rational reasoning that pops up in your mind. Or maybe the way he worded it could be a sign of jealousy towards the other men you talk to? After all, who could have guessed his real plan. Nonetheless, you still have some self-respect and decide to draw some boundaries. You are not to be considered some kind of easy girl.

"Izumi! That's not what I–"

You hear the sound of metal tickling. You lower your eyes. He's removing his belt. Looks like he's serious about this.

You remain frozen, not in fear, but because of something else. Your crush is really asking you to have intercourse in a hotel room he just rented? Although he's saying nonsense after nonsense, this is more than what you could ever dream of.

"Careful. If you stay here and remain idle like this, I'm gonna assume that this is a 'yes' on your part."

You stay silent. Of course that you want it.

He sighs. After all, in his perspective, you just accepted to sleep with a random guy even though you pretend to love his dear ones.

"You just have to say 'yes'. Or is it that your pride won't let you say it?" he replies aggressively.

"… Y-yes" you give in, still slightly confused about his tone.

Suddenly, Izumi begins removing your clothes, trying to make you feel even more vulnerable, as he stays fully dressed. He looks at your underwear.

"Not bad. Although I doubt they like it like this."

'《They?》', you wonder, thinking he's definitely jealous of the men around you. But little does he know, you bought these with him in mind.

Izumi sits in the middle of the bed, crossed-legged, hinting at you to place yourself on his lap. You oblige.

As he removes your last pieces of clothing while you are sitting on his thighs, he notices something.

"Really? You are already wet from this…? Aren't you a bit of a whore?"

Izumi secures you against himself by firmly wrapping his right arm below your breast. With his left hand, he slides a finger against your vulva and moves it around your slit. His hand feels warm.

"No wonder why you ask for validation from all kinds of men. You like their attention so much, huh?," he insults you while rubbing his middle finger against your clit.

Despite his harsh words, the only sound that leaves your mouth is a moan.

"A finger was all it took to make you moan? See, you don't deserve either of them," he replies coldly while rubbing his finger against your wet clit harder.

His harsh movements, along with his hateful comments, somehow feel godly. Your love juices get all over his hand as wet noises come out of your cunt. Even though you wonder what he's talking about, the one thing on your mind right now is that you are actually having sex with him.

"A-ah~ Izumi~! W-what-" you try to ask while moaning.

"Now my name is the one that comes up when you're fucking someone else than who you pretend to love? Disgusting."

You don't understand the situation. You thought he knew you liked him. His pace goes even faster. Now he uses two of his fingers to rub against your clit. You feel your body tensing up, your back arches, and your toes curl as he continues to touch you. You throw your head backward on top of his shoulder and can feel your climax coming as he keeps firm his hold on you.

"Hahh… Izumi!~" you let out.

You moan his name all over again as you cum on his strong hand, shaking in pleasure.

Izumi remains speechless for a few seconds.

"Wow… So you're really having an orgasm all over the place for some guy you don't even like? What a slut," he finally says.

"What do you mean??" you ask.

He ignores your question and shifts you around his thighs so that you face him, with little to no effort. Startled, you close your thighs.

"Come on, don't act all shy after you just moaned my name out loud, Y/N."

"…"

"Get on your back for me now, I'll spread your legs open myself."

You do as he says. You lay your back on the mattress while facing him. Izumi uncrosses his legs, gets on his knees, and spreads your legs open with one arm. Suddenly, he gets his half-erect cock out of his pants with his other hand and starts jacking off in front of your slit.

"Ugh… What a pathetic view. To say that you're supposed to be a threat," he sighs while masturbating before you.

"…"

You can't help but stare at his dick. It's quite the length. And it looks thick too.

"What? Don't tell me that your animal instincts hit after you saw my cock? Though I really wouldn't be surprised, considering the fact that you are a bitch."

You can't help but get turned on by his harsh words once again. You move your hips a bit, desperate to feel some sort of friction. Izumi notices and hardens his grip on your leg.

"Don't try to feel yourself up, unless you really are a slut who can't wait for my cock," he says while tossing himself off at a quicker pace.

The view of Izumi of all people masturbating in front of your naked body is just too much for you to handle. Despite his many insults, you reach for your clit and start rubbing.

"That's what I thought, you're a slut," he exclaims.

The man faps his cock closer and closer to your crotch. The noises your two genitals let out are so ungodly. You can see that his dick is twitching, wanting to release soon.

"Get ready for additional lube, slut," he says while his dick is right in front of your entrance. "Take it all, shameless whore," he adds while cumming all over your cunt.

He's shooting more and more of his semen over your sensitive parts, but the way he does it without any lust in his cold blue eyes is quite the view. All you can see in him is hatred. It's like he's spitting on you.

You can't help but moan his name as your second climax hits you like a truck. You wouldn't have called yourself a sadomasochist, but the way he's doing you right now is turning you on without a doubt. All you can feel is your orgasm while you're lying down all naked in front of him, with your lowest part covered in his cum. You fail to notice that he finally removed his shirt.

"I'm gonna give you one last warning. You don't deserve to be with either of them, so you better back off."

"Huh?-"

"I know you've been trying to get with Leo-kun or Yuu-kun. Why is it that you chose them of all people? Is it for your personal gains? They already have me. They don't need you," he says while placing his tip at your entrance.

Leo? Makoto? So this is what it is about. But, he got it all wrong, *he* is the one you like.

"Izumi, the one I love, it's--"

The man penetrates your insides quickly. His thick dick spreads your walls open, while also inserting some of his cum from earlier deep inside of you. It hurts a bit, but you were already so wet that your body adjusts just as fast, taking all of him in.

"Don't you dare say his name right now when you're being fucked dumbed by another one," he threatens you while thrusting.

You remain shocked. You thought that his jealousy was aimed at other men, but it looks like it's aimed toward you. You feel disappointed about the fact that you misunderstood his feelings for you, but at the same time, something else is building up within you.

You stare at where your two bodies are connected. He's placed himself between your legs and is ramming hard into your pussy. He's thrusting aggressively, though each of his movements somehow feels amazing. You look up. Izumi is lying on top of you, his arms placed by both of your shoulders, trapping you. His gaze remains unchanged: cold and hateful.

The one you love is currently railing you hard so that you stop chasing after the one he loves. He loves another one and is fucking you so aggressively because of it. Somehow, the fact that Izumi is jealous of you because of someone else makes you lust after him even more. Your walls clench around his cock. Izumi feels it.

"My, my, what's this Y/N? You're desperate for me now? Bitch," he says while looking at you with his sapphire-blue eyes.

Izumi controls the rhythm and depth of his pelvic thrusting recklessly, fucking you as hard as possible. He wants to make a mess of you after all.

That's it, you don't care what happens next and lose yourself to him. You just want more of Izumi. You wrap your legs around his waist and rest your arms on his back as you moan his name with your eyes half closed.

"Wow... I'm speechless. But you're making it easier for me to ruin you", he says while pounding into your pussy even harder. "No one would want you after I use you like this. You won't be a rival anymore, that I can assure you."

As your legs are now at another angle, he gained even more access to your body. You feel his cock roughly hitting against your cervix, definitely leaving bruises there, as you're holding onto him for dear life.

He is now, like he said, fucking you dumb aggressively. His quick pace without a single care for your well-being is beyond what you could have ever imagined. He just wants to ruin you. But it feels so good.

Ever since you've been locked up in this position with Izumi, both of your body temperatures gradually went high. His back feels so hot against your arms. His hot breath tickles your skin. The entire room is warmed with your respective body heat. As for the mattress, it's covered in sweat, love juices, and semen. You feel yet another climax coming.

Your moans get louder. As Izumi keeps penetrating you raw, you open your mouth, begging for him to kiss you.

"You want to pretend to be lovers now? Ugh, I don't get what they see in you," he asks meanly.

Izumi looks down on you before giving in to your pathetic whim. He keeps his eyes fully open while you are closing yours. His lips softly touch yours before he aggressively wraps his tongue around your own as he continues pounding into you. Now he's even sexually submitting you in your mouth. His saliva mixing with yours feels so arousing. His kiss is so exquisite even if it is loveless.

Your desire to serve him sexually, emotionally, and physically gets bigger and bigger as he's thrusting his dick rapidly against your cervix. You want all of him. If one way to share his frustration and dissatisfaction with you is by filling you up, you are totally down. Even though he doesn't like you, you can't help but want to give him your entire body if it means getting fucked like this.

His pace gets faster. He's very close to his own orgasm as well, you can tell from his hard dick twitching inside of you. He pulls out of the kiss and leaves a spit trail between the two of you. This one strand of saliva is the last straw. That's it, you long for him and wish to own just a part of him, anything.

"Izumi~ ah! Y-you know," you manage to say even though he's ramming into you like crazy, "this whole time..."

"Hm? Do you have regrets about fucking someone else other than him now, or maybe you gave up on him?" he asks while the wet noises from where you are connected keep getting louder and louder.

"*You* are the one I've had a crush on," you finally reveal.

Izumi gives it one last thrust and pours all of his seeds deep within you.

"Wait. What?"

While he's still processing what you just confessed, all of his cum floods your insides. You cum on his dick at the same time. Your arms are gripping his back tightly, your legs are firmly wrapped around his waist, his torso is pressing against your boobs, and his face is as close to you as ever. The pressure he's putting on your cervix is helping more and more of his hot semen to gain access to your womb. For the first time during this session, Izumi stops looking at you with hatred for a second.

Note: Part 2 is now available! Link here

YOOOO it took me so long to write it, it's even longer than my Kanata one

Ugh I had accidently deleted it and had to get the support to look at it 👤.

But yea hope you liked yandere Izumi fic! Usually all we see is a "omg you can only love me 💔😡⛓️ stop talking to him youre mine👿☠️🐺"-yandere x reader, but this time I took it around and reversed it. Oh to be hate-fucked by a yandere who sees us as a potential threat 👤🙏🏼

I left the story there so it's up to interpretation about what he does next: fucks you even more? leaves you? changes his obsession's target to you? You choose

EDIT: I made a part 2! link above

#nsft es!!#enstars thirsts #enstars x you #enstars smut #enstars x female reader #enstars x reader #ensemble stars x reader #ensemble stars x y/n #ensemble stars smut #izumi sena x reader #izumi sena smut #enstars x reader smut #ensemble stars x reader smut #enstars fanfic

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pink-onyx-au · 8 months

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[Jump to the Episode Master List]

Nap time! Thank you everyone for your continued support and interaction! I adore it and it adds so much more to the AU than you could know. This is a heads up on some minor down-time for the blog while I rest up and prepare the next episode.

Notes and asks are still open and encouraged during this time! Bored and want to chat? Send me a message!

To see some WIP, storyboard previews, doodles, shitposts, and other projects I’m working on, along with a healthy amount of 3am memes, head over to my trash fire blog, Ceephor’s Shit Show. The "pink onyx au" tag will filter everything for you, along with showing you fabulous fan art made by others that I just love to pieces.

Speculation and theories are encouraged! The comic is designed as close to the show’s logic as I could muster, which means many secrets are staring right at you, provided you know what to look for! Just be kind to one another.

Comic FAQ:

What is this? Pink Onyx AU is a Steven Universe AU focused on interactions between Steven and Jasper and is intended to be read after you have finished Steven Universe Future, as it contains many many spoilers for the series. If you have watched it already, great! Welcome! The goal is to bring you a Jasper redemption arc that we couldn’t get due to time and cooperate restraints on the Crewniverse. I hope you enjoy!

I do not own these characters or their likenesses except for the single fluffy thembo fusion I created for the story. This is just a fan comic.

Comic is PG-13 for some angsty themes, minor blood, violence, and gem-cussing.

When do you post? Typically when you see this post pinned, I’m on a bit of a break, but when Nyx wakes up (this post goes away) the comic is due to be released 1 page at a time at 7am EST most days. I try for a daily release. Sometimes I skip a day if I’m behind. Episode release dates are always announced ahead of time by a few weeks.

Is this a romantic ship AU between Jasper and Steven? Nope, more like an aunt and her nephew trying to figure it all out. No romance between these two here.

Is your Tapas updated at the same time? Nope, tumblr comes first, and the tumblr will always have bonus content which Tapas will not. The Tapas for this updates after the tumblr version is completed. Usually same day or within a day.

Curious about the characters? Check below the cut for more a detailed FAQ about the inner workings of the story. Love you all! See you soon! 🧡💕❤️

FAQ’s about the characters generated via interactive asks:

What kind of fusion is Pink Onyx? Are they good or bad? Pink Onyx is a fusion of a protagonist and an antagonist, so their alliance is yet unknown, but they have Steven’s good heart and Jasper’s loyal nature. They also have Steven and Jasper’s flaws, so they can be volatile and emotionally explosive at times, too.

What are Pink Onyx’s pronouns? Onyx likes they/them, but also answers to he/him and she/her, especially when Steven or Jasper is dominant over one another. They also seem to take on a fluid role and prefer a she/her when in a caretaker status. They dislike it/its.

What does Pink Onyx sound like? Personally, I hear them as a youthful, masculine tone. Like Steven if a little older. But I also enjoy when people say they hear them as a gruff, Amazonian-type feminine. I enjoy and endorse both.

Do Jasper and Steven enjoy being fused to one another? For now, it is a struggle, but they enjoy what the other brings to the fusion even if they won’t say it.

Does Pink Onyx need to eat and do human things? If so, do they enjoy it? They don’t need to do them, but they do feel the discomfort without them. Things like breathing, eating, and sleeping are optional for Onyx, but they will become quite irritable if not allowed to do them. They greatly enjoy sleeping and trying new foods.

What does Jasper think about having human organs when fused? She’s pretty grossed out by the idea of organic matter going into her mouth and coming out of other places. The heart beating and lungs breathing she can feel for the first time, and it is highly strange for her to experience.

What is Pink Onyx’s favorite food? They adore anything watermelon flavored and Cookie-cat ice cream products

Does Pink Onyx have any special fusion powers? They do, and as they learn about themselves, more powers seem to come out. Each of their base component appears to be enhanced in a unique way. They have Pink Diamond at their core, so the destructive potential is also there.

Why is Steven hiding Pink Onyx from others? This AU occurs directly after the events of "I Am My Monster", so Steven is very emotionally, and mentally, raw. He fears judgement for running back to Jasper, who in the past, was part of so much trauma he already endured.

Pink Onyx seems to know nothing about human culture and gem culture despite being a fusion. What’s going on? Jasper and Steven agreed to fuse, but they have yet to open up to one another about much else. The fusion exists because they agree to do so, but Jasper won’t open up about her emotions, and Steven is so sensitive yet that he is not sharing because he knows Jasper won’t want to hear it. This causes Onyx to be unable to access both of their memories easily, but they can bring it out with enough effort.

#pink onyx au #steven universe au #steven universe #steven universe future #c423art #ceephorart #pink onyx #fusion #jasper #steven #Nyx nap #faq

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lithiumfae · 10 months

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✰ Charlie From The Cinema Club ✰

i don’t give any description of reader other than her being a woman, i just added this pic because he looks like such a little loser in it 😭 enjoy <3. the smut felt kinda rushed, sorry :( hoping to hear feedback i’m nervous!!!!!

tags: friends to lovers, ooc robbie??????, sub coded charlie, smut, oral sex.

cw: charlie being kind of a 🚩 (he’s like a crazy obsessed bf), all in all alarming behavior if he were to be a real person. so if you’re uncomfortable w that don’t read <3 it’s nothing too bad though don’t worry, just feel like i needed to say that.

💫 — @quicksilversg1rl @roryculkinsgf @doddernix @milsthouqhts

The cliche of being the new girl came with all that one could expect; the questioning glances from curious people couldn’t wait to see if their first impression was indeed accurate, along with the rumors about the “real” reason she moved towns, and of course which clique was going to take her in.

The cinema club was always looking for new members but the old members tried to steer clear from engaging with anyone that seemed like they had the potential to screw things up. For various reasons but mainly because even though they were a level under the glee club, they were quite selective. Not just anyone was allowed to enter their carefully crafted ecosystem.

Voice traveled fast after she arrived at Woodsboro. The news reaches Charlie’s ears a few days before the school year started. Robbie acting as more of a member of the gossip club also known as the cheerleaders than the cinema club, called him an uneventful Tuesday night.

“Fresh meat,” he said.

Immediately Charlie wanted to laugh. Robbie tended to pretend like he was an expert when it came to women, like he knew how to get girls when that couldn’t be furthest from reality.

“Fresh meat,” Charlie mocked him, making his voice sound nasally. “It’s a girl man, she’s not gonna be too interested in whatever it is you’re trying to do.”

“What? Like you’re a fucking pussy magnet or something.”

“At least I don’t try and fail to get some,” the bickering continued.

Robbie insulted him some more before sighing.

✄

English class.

Having been sentenced by his undying love for Kirby to sit in front of her for years, he found himself yet again listening to her flirting with God knows who via phone call. Jill sat next to him, smiling at her and wiggling her eyebrows to match Kirby's smirk.

He was in the middle of letting out the most eye watering yawn of his life when he felt Jill slap his arm to get his attention.

“What is he doing?”

Robbie being the he in question.

Apparently he was indeed planning on getting with the new girl, if it wasn’t obvious by the way he managed to be the first one to help her find the only fucking classroom with a red door. The little fucker. He hadn’t mentioned the new girl looking like someone dragged her straight out of a fucking– vogue or whatever magazine that’s got the pretty girls on their pages.

They locked eyes and Robbie lifted one hand pointing at Charlie.

“Yo, move.”

What the fuck?

Was their friendship lacking that solid base that made Robbie willing to kick him to the curb just to impress a pretty girl?

“I can just sit in the back…”

“No it’s okay. I’ll take Robbie’s seat,” because fuck him really. He moved his things feeling a bit jittery knowing she was looking at him while he gathered everything.

✄

After a couple weeks of sticking to her like a piece of chewed up gum, Robbie had somehow managed to convince her to join the Cinema Club. It took a lot of begging on his part and Charlie was sure she accepted out of pure pity. Whatever the reason was, now he saw her in class and at club meetings.

Even though Charlie thought Robbie’s approach was rather pathetic, honestly the guy was trying too hard, he couldn’t help but put a little more effort in his looks when he knew her eyes were going to be on him.

One day as they waited for the others to fill the room she asked him, “did you put something on it?” As she looked at his hair.

“Uh– This– yeah! I saw this video of a dude putting like, mousse or something,” he responded. “He said it helped with curls… made them fluffy… yeah.”

“Looks bouncy,” and oh god, he could have died at that very moment.

He cleared his throat trying to ignore the few seconds of silence. She smiled and added, “Do you like your hair long? I noticed Robbie keeps it really short.”

“Yeah he’s lazy like that,” he smiled too when he heard her laugh.

Charlie saw her stand up and start walking to the desk he was resting against. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Yes.”

She grabbed the bag on her shoulder and reached inside it pulling out a piece of paper. “Robbie gave me a list of movies to watch so I wouldn’t be lost when you guys talked about them,” she paused. “But I don’t know where to find them so I was wondering if you could help me with that. I don’t want to ask Robbie in case he gets the wrong idea since we spend so much time together already.”

“Umm, yeah, yeah. I can do that,” he would be a fucking fool if he rejected such an opportunity. He reached a hand to get her to pass him the list, “I think I have most of these at home…” he could feel her gaze on the side of his face. “I could, bring them tomorr– or you could go back to my place after school to pick them up,” she didn’t respond immediately and he realized what it had sounded like. “Not like that! Just– you know…”

“No I know, you’re not Robbie,” and she giggled, fucking giggled. She was teasing him. “Okay Charlie, wait for me after school then.”

✄

She looked out of place in his room.

Like if someone was playing house with only one Barbie and the rest of the things in his room were all from the Transformers universe. Not that Charlie was even slightly similar to Optimus Prime, he resembled a littlest pet shop figurine. If he were to be honest with himself.

“Sit anywhere,” Charlie suggested feeling jittery. She walked to his bed and sat down as she watched him rummage through the pile by his speakers.

He wanted to curl into a little ball and squeal because of how he could feel her gaze burning into his back muscles.

Charlie heard his bed squeak when she moved to find a more comfortable position. “Have you watched all those movies?” She asked, pointing in his direction.

“The ones here,” he patted the pile he was taking CDs from. “The ones I haven’t, are here,” he pointed to the other pile to the right.

“How many movies have you watched?”

“Like, ever?” She nodded. “I don’t know, like, around two hundred? I think?”

“That’s crazy Charlie, Robbie said he’s watched like a thousand.”

Well fuck Robbie.

He forced a laugh, “to be fair Robbie’s got like, a problem or something. I mean, a thousand really?”

As she stood up from the bed she replied, “I’m so relieved you have the movies I need,” and Charlie felt like exploding all over the room when she kneeled beside him on the floor. “I don’t want to be out of the loop,” she smelled like fucking flowers and… sex? No. Too raunchy of a word for a girl like her. Flowers and something alluring. Fucking pheromones.

‘s gotta be.

He was brought back from the brief mind fog he was experiencing when he heard her murmur a “mhm?”

Charlie stared at her with his mouth open for a second, “I’m sorry?”

“Can you hurry? I need to go home in a minute” she smiled. “Sorry.”

“‘s cool,” he reached to the side to grab a random tote bag he could find. “Strict parents?”

“Kinda yeah. I mean it’s only me and my dad so he’s super protective of me.” She moved to help him put the CDs and tapes in the bag, “especially around this time of year when it gets dark early.”

“Lots of creeps hanging around,” he teased her. “I’m joking, probably just Robbie live streaming again. Though I’m not sure what’s worse, a murderer or Robbie.”

She hit his arm while smiling, “he’s not that bad.” She paused. “He’s very nice to me, not creepy at all. He's just… you know, a teenage boy I guess.”

“Yeah.”

“And so are you,” she said as she looked him in the eyes.

A beat of silence. “… and so am I,” he quickly stood up and clapped once. “A teenage boy that will walk you home if you want him to, though.”

Her hand lifted in the air inviting Charlie to help her stand up. “Okay,” she smiled again.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

He had never been totally normal in the head, never quite correctly wired.

When he was four he had a stuffed whale he took everywhere with him. They ate breakfast together, it sat on the sink while his mom gave him a bath. He was so attached to it that when the stuffed animal needed to be washed, Charlie cried until his mom let him skip school so he could sit in front of the washing machine and wait for it to be done.

That would serve as a taste of the type of person he would become in the future. Now a senior in high school the only fitting transition from his stuffed whale to a more grown up fixation had to be the girl who was everything he wanted in a woman.

She was gorgeous and she seemed to enjoy spending time with him.

Ever since the day he walked her home Charlie felt on edge. No reasonable explanation to make him feel such an emotion other than the mutual mention they shared every time they had a conversation.

One of his redeeming qualities was his ability to know when the delusions were clouding his judgment. Being self aware comes in handy when one happens to be a social reject. So he knew he wasn’t making it up, he wasn’t imagining it. He wasn’t imagining the way she would let her fingers fiddle with the collar of his shirt as if it was an unconscious action, or how she had wiped a stray eyelash off his face.

The signs were there.

The doubt made its appearance when he asked himself if she was doing it because she did in fact find him attractive or if all the attention she gave him was part of some big plan to humiliate him. After all, he had fallen victim to something similar in the past.

He would set himself on fire if a pretty girl asked him to so he had to be careful.

It was exciting to think she could actually be interested in him. And maybe it was a long shot but fuck, if it didn’t feel good to hope for the best.

If he were to expand on the self aware side of his personality, he would be forced to admit he was quite the obsessive guy. He liked Kirby for years on end, nothing she did or said to him could make him kill his undying love for her. He used to lay in bed and imagine what perfume she liked to wear the most, he would fantasize about how soft her lips would feel against his. He knew what she loved and hated. She liked her hair short and neat, she liked making fun of scary movies and she specially sporty guys with a tan. In short, she hated everything Charlie was so he never bothered.

But he would really fucking love it if this time around things played out differently.

She was not Kirby.

She didn’t make him feel like a tiny ratty chihuahua begging his master for attention. She seemed him out. She asked him questions about whatever shitty movie Robbie told her to watch.

One could think someone treating him like a human and not a bed bug would make him finally snap out of it, that he would stop acting so needy. On the contrary, this girl seemed to have revitalized his psycho tendencies with a spark fueled by pungent desperation.

After about two weeks of befriending her he had started dreaming about her, not wet dreams, he wouldn’t even think about disrespecting her in that way. But every night before going to bed he gets under the covers with a smile plastered on his otherwise blank face, eager to indulge in the mostly harmless pleasure that is to escape to dreamland to experience what he desires the most.

He saw himself doing mundane things.

He takes her to get her done, then they go buy food to have a picnic. They sit on a blanket as they eat fruit, he looks down at her knees and he sees her pants stained green by the grass that surrounds them. They laugh and they kiss, they giggle in each others arms

Some nights he dreams of her running her hands through his hair, he feels the warmth of her fingers on his scalp. In his dreams he doesn’t fear waking up and forgetting what everything felt like, he can allow himself that small pleasure. In his dreams he writes a letter and he reads it to her. When he wakes up he wishes humans were capable of reading while dreaming that way he could replicate said letter. Maybe the words written down contain the key to make her love him.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

Word travels fast, but it travels even faster when you have a camera surgically attached to your temple.

The entire day, Robbie had been acting weird, and staring at Charlie, whenever the latter opened his mouth. And because Charlie is a bit of an empath himself, he instantly knew his infatuation had been noticed by his best friend.

“Fuck is wrong with you man,” Robbie confronted him.

Ever the coward, Charlie moved to the side trying to walk closer to the classroom door.

“Charlie.”

“Dude we’re gonna be late.”

There’s not gonna be a club if I kill you right now,” Robbie looked down at him. “Let 's talk.”

“Talk about what?” Asked Charlie, choosing to play dumb.

Robbie furrowed his eyebrows and snorted before looking around in disbelief. “Well I don’t know, maybe we should talk about how you’re trying to steal my girl.”

“What girl Robbie?”

“You knew, you fucking knew about it. I called dibs.”

Now it was Charlie’s turn to snort, “dude. How old are we? Five?” He paused. “She just– I don’t know, she’s fun and she doesn’t look like she wants to die when I talk to her. What was I supposed to do?”

“You’ve liked Kirby for years! Why the change?”

“Robbie it’s not that serious, lower your voice,” people were starting to stare. He saw a couple of girls stop by a locker clearly pretending to look for something just to eavesdrop. “It’s not like she’s with you right now…”

The other boys, through his hands in the air, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“That I didn’t like– steal her from you or anything,” he grabbed Robbie’s shoulder and smiled. “Maybe I’m just her type man, nothing wrong with you,” he tried to make the joke land but as his friend blinked at him a beat slower that usual he felt a bit more anxious.

“You weren’t Kirby’s type and you’re her type?”

“…Robbie I was joking,” said Charlie with an awkward laugh. His eyes darted around taking notice of the increasing number of people around them.

“Well I’m not fucking joking,” he got closer to his face. “Stay away, I’m being serious.”

So Charlie was left to deal with the stares and the scratchy throat he got every time he felt embarrassed or humiliated.

The encounter was brief but it left him buzzing the rest of the day, people briefly glanced at him with a little smile on their faces as if they knew something he didn’t. As if he wasn’t present when it all went down.

And honestly fuck Robbie for feeling so fucking entitled. What if he liked her knowing Robbie wanted to get with her too? Out of everyone that lived in Woodsboro the one that was the most deserving of having her was Charlie. Nobody else had taken the time to memorize shit about her. They don’t know anything about her.

Charlie does.

In record time he had learned more about her than anyone in her life, that he was sure of. Because Charlie took people seriously.

So who did Robbie think he was?

All his life he had to settle for the bare minimum when it came to girls and the amount of attention they let him enjoy. Even fucking Jill, the only ever girlfriend he’s ever had, kept him as a secret because she was probably embarrassed to be seen with Charlie from the cinema club. In the past after their breakup, he dealt with a lot of anger whenever he started thinking about their relationship. He would wonder how big of a loser Jill thought him to be if she was comfortable letting him interact with Kirby even after knowing that for years he harbored a crush for her. It’s like she knew there was not a chance of him ever cheating. Or maybe she thought Kirby would never look at him twice. Whatever it was, Jill didn’t take him seriously.

There seemed to exist a pattern of people seeing Charlie as a filler character in one of those cringy Disney romance movies. The comic relief if you will.

No one ever made outright mean comments about his appearance or the things he liked, but that wasn’t because they respected him, it had more to do with the fact that his peers saw him as the silly guy. That silly guy you know, the one that wasn’t even worth ridiculing.

He was under the impression that he had found a friend in Robbie. They cheered each other up whenever the way people ignored them became too much. They both liked the same geeky stuff. But he was willing to let go of him if it meant he had a chance with the girl of his dreams.

What the fuck would Robbie even do with a girl like her. He then remembered him saying how annoying it was when girls put that sticky stuff on their lips.

As if he has ever kissed a girl, the fucking virgin.

She was always wearing makeup, she wasn’t the girl for Robbie. He could never learn how to properly be hers. On the other hand, Charlie already was. In body and soul.

So honestly, fuck Robbie for thinking showing his teeth and growling like a rabid dog would be enough to get Charlie to back off.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

He saw her at the end of the school day as he was putting his things in his backpack. She poked her head past the door frame.

“Hey,” Charlie greeted her.

“Hi. Already heard all about what happened,” she said, making a face.

“… yeah. Robbie’s always been a bit of a diva.”

She walked into the room at a slow pace.

“I feel like you were collateral damage. This morning he waited for me outside the school because wanted to talk,” her face looked kinda funny with how serious she was. So unlike her. “Would you believe me if I told you he professed his undying love for me.”

Charlie continues packing his belongings to look like he didn’t care. “How romantic.”

“It was really weird because he was live streaming the whole time.”

“That’s Robbie for you,” he jokingly said.

“Did he do the sa–”

“Oh no, no. He wasn’t live streaming when he tried to bite my neck open.” Charlie heard her laugh and he looked at her. She looked too guilty for someone that hadn’t done anything wrong. For what reason? He wondered. He hoped she wasn’t feeling guilty for rejecting Robbie. “It’s okay he didn’t do anything too bad. I just think he got the wrong idea, you know.”

“Mmm.”

“Because we’re not like that, Robbie’s just fucking crazy.”

He stared at her for a second longer, he noticed she had that snarky little smirk on her face once again. Once again he wasn’t allowed in the running inside joke she was always cheesing about.

“My dad told me to invite you over tonight.”

And she had the nerve to act like that wasn’t a wild thing to say.

“What?”

She laughed, “last weekend we watched two of the movies you recommended and he really likes them. I told him you’re a friend.

He is.

Charlie felt like Hulk Hogan, fight after fight coming his way. Letting Robbie yell at him in front of everyone was light work, but to risk his life by meeting her overprotective dad was a completely different way of self harm.

“I mean… why though.”

“I don’t know Charlie, maybe he was impressed by your taste in movies, you both have the same old man interests.”

“I also told him you were the same friend that walked me home the other day,” she bumped him with her shoulder.

“Did he call me a good boy for doing that?” He joked.

“Something like that,” she lifted a hand to grab a strand of his hair and she lightly pulled. “Come on, it’ll be fun and wholesome or whatever.”

He already knew he was going to accept but he was a little busy freaking out about what to wear or how to do his hair to voice out his answer. Sure his personality was great and he wasn’t sleazy like most guys his age but he was aware that his looks were completely the opposite of what a father would want for his daughter.

He was already thinking that far ahead.

Should he flat iron his hair? Wear a sweater vest?

“Is he gonna fucking shoot me or what?” He tries for a joke, adding an awkward giggle.

“Don’t make it weird silly,” she smiled. “We can watch a movie in my room after dinner.”

And okay, Charlie was what you would call socially inept but even his baby brain was able to pick up blatant offers such as that one.

“With your dad?”

“… no Charlie.”

He watches her exit the classroom leaving him to panic in the confines of his mind. He made his way to his house on autopilot.

₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

At first he fully intended to put his hair in a ponytail, he was set on looking as pristine as a seventeen year old boy could look. But as he stares at himself in the mirror the more he realized how a guy that wore a ponytail was definitely not her type.

It made him look like a food delivery guy anyway.

He opted for his usual hairdo. The famous “book that has been read halfway through” Parted down the middle. A button down and khakis, sneakers on his feet.

While he ties his shoelaces he kept thinking back to when he walked her home.

He could see her dads silhouette from afar, he was being illuminated by the lights on the porch. Dude not only sounded scary he was also built like a fucking tank. So Charlie only walked her as far as his faint heart would allow it. Close enough so her dad could see she didn’t walk home alone but not close enough that Charlie could see his face.

He was now wondering if that had been a good choice. What if he gave off cowardly vibes. Which would be a correct assumption but not one Charlie would like to make.

Those few hours before he made his way to her house he moved around in his room like a ghost on debt. His palms clammy.

The final product was the usual Charlie get up plus cologne. Because no man is respectable if he doesn’t smell like a car air freshener personified.

Her dad said a total of five sentences to him the entire evening, but Charlie didn’t sense bad vibes or anything of the sort so he wasn’t too nervous. The only thing that felt mildly threatening were the slaps on the back the man gave him every time Charlie said something a bit funny. His spine and ribs threatened to fall apart after every slap. But hey, he did call him son at least once. A win is a win.

The girl seemed to be a fucking witch or something. It was like she had swapped here dad for a humanoid alien because soon after dinner she had reminded him of the groceries he needed to buy for the birthday party of one of his colleagues at work (Charlie wasn’t entirely sure, he was too busy staring at her tomato sauce stained lips), and her had just stood up and left. He left them home alone.

He dared leave his beautiful teenager daughter home alone with a dude that even knew the perfume she wore. Granted he wasn’t aware of said fact, but still.

Charlie counted his blessings.

She walked her dad to the door and he left after telling her to lock the door until he came back. Charlie would try to make an analogy about him leaving his daughter trapped with a lion inside the house if it wasn’t for the fact that he felt like the prey.

When she came back he was sitting on the couch with his hands under his thighs.

“…so.”

“…so,” she mocked him with a silly voice. “Charlie, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

She waved her hand signaling him to scoot over to make space for her to sit down. “Are you and Jill still together?”

“Wha– what the fuck– who told you about Jill?”

“Is that a yes?”

He stood up from the couch as if it was burning him, he knew his failed relationship with Jill was going to come back and bite him in the ass. “No, what? We– not… anymore.”

“Okay, calm down Charlie,” she was quick to smile and pull him by the arm. “Just that it would be really awkward if I had been imagining it all.”

Imagining what.

“Imagining what,” he repeated out loud.

“Imagining us flirting like middle school kids for like the past, two weeks?”

He wasn’t sure if he was about to pee or explode all over the living room. He had a plan and timelines to follow until he was ready for his feelings to be out in the open like this.

“Ah… Th– I’m not with Jill anymore.”

She pulled at his arm again and he sat back down. “I’m sorry, just that I’m trying to figure out if you were secretly a player all along.”

He laughed. “Definitely not a player.”

“Robbie told me.”

“Man fuck Robbie,” he paused. “I could tell you so many things about Robbie.”

She moved even closer to him and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “Charlie I don’t care about Robbie,” she made another move on him and grabbed his sweaty hand. “Don’t think too much about it, I orchestrated this whole fucking thing just to get my dad out of the house tonight.”

He looked down at his lap. “I’m so confused right now.”

“How long do you think it takes someone to buy groceries and birthday balloons?”

“I’m a virgin.”

“Charlie I know!”

“You know?”

She giggled as she tucked one of her legs under herself, touching Charlie’s thigh with hers. “Look at you Charlie, of course I know.”

“Did Robbie–?”

“Shut up.”

“Okay, yeah.”

She hadn’t let go of his hand so she dragged him with her when she laid back on the couch. He awkwardly tried to get comfortable in between her legs.

Looking down at her he wondered if all the trials and tribulations he had endured were needed to be able to see such a woman gazing up at him. Her hands always seemed to find themselves worrying with his untamed hair, she was pushing it back, away from his face.

“I don’t mind it,” she said.

“Huh?”

“I don’t care that you’re a virgin, it’s kind of charming actually.”

If it was said by anyone else he would have taken it as mocking, but she had never looked down at him for stuttering or sometimes avoiding eye contact.

“I’m about to be really charming. I don’t know what the fuck to do,” he noticed her eyelids sparkled under the pendant lamp hanging over them. She was so dreamy he would believe her if she told him they naturally did that and that it wasn’t make up.

“As long as you don’t think about Jill while kissing me…” she teased him.

He hovered his lips over hers before whispering, “never.”

They kissed and it wasn’t something cheesy and corny like you hear kisses be described in the movies, no sparkles or fireworks being set off. Instead Charlie felt hot all over and he had to cut the kiss short to take a deep breath. He noticed her moving her gaze all over his face.

“Again?”

“Yes please.” He replied.

He was supporting his weight on his forearms and she had one of her hands on his shoulder while the other one rested on the side of his neck. They kissed again and he was so aware of everything happening at the moment, he tried not to breathe too much on her face, he didn’t want his arms to give out and to squish her. Too much happening all at once, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

He felt the corners of her lips curving up when she noticed him pulling away for a second to catch his breath. If it wasn’t for the suffocating heat that was located in his pants he would describe the make out session as overall quite wholesome.

Next time he pulled away she held his face with both her hands, “you’re all red.”

“Oh yeah, it happens.”

“When you kiss Jill?”

He tried not to laugh but he couldn’t hold his smile so he retaliated by tickling her. He dived in again with more confidence now that their lips had warmed up against each another. His arms not being used to exercise or effort of any kind were starting to go numb so he moved to lay on his side. She was quick to get comfortable and mirrored his position all without stopping their kissing.

Feeling the tiniest bit bolder, Charlie grabbed her thigh and made her position it over his waist. He wanted her to consume him whole. The hair on his hairline was starting to stick to his forehead, and of course she noticed this.

“Are you hot?”

“A little yeah.”

Her hands pulled at the collar of his button down, “take it off.” She helped him slide it down his back and she threw it under the coffee table, the rush of it all made him laugh. “Not that I don’t like this but I really want to get to the good part.”

“Th– yeah, yeah. Cool. Okay.”

Whenever he felt uncertain about something he chose to copy what others around him were doing, the same thing was happening at that moment. He rose up with her and he watched her slip her clothes off.

She started by standing up and unbuttoning her pants and sliding them down her thighs, he watched her as she rushed to get rid of them. When she noticed he wasn’t moving she looked at him and said, “come on Charlie. You want me to undress you too? Like a little baby?”

“Yeah, no, sorry.”

She softly laughed and helped him with his pants anyway. And god, Charlie could have burst into flames from the sheer panic and excitement he felt when her hands made contact with the skin on his legs.

“I don’t– fuck I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do,” he lamely tried to excuse himself.

She seemed to ignore his words and didn’t bother to acknowledge them, she stood in front of him almost completely naked– she had kept her bra and her flowy blouse. As he paused for a second to take in the sight in front of him he let himself put his panic aside. He had gotten this far so she was clearly into him, he doubted his lack of experience was going to be a turn off.

Taking advantage of the moment of confidence he reached to touch her waist weakly pulling her towards him.

She moved to straddle him, “I know, I don’t care.”

They kissed again but this time around she moved from his lips all the way down his body. Her hands found his cock before her lips reached it.

“Woah– what, wait you don’t have to.”

“I kinda do, I don’t have lube. Do you?”

“Of course not, sorry.”

And fuck, during all the time he had known her he had never dared fantasize about her in any sexual scenario so he had nothing to compare to what he was seeing. She stopped for a second to just look at him. The view was downright sinful. Her precious face looked all different types of beautiful. Innocent, her eyes seemed glossy and alert. Expectant, for what was to come. And aroused, for what she was about to do.

“Don’t pull my hair,” she said.

And he wasn’t even thinking about doing it, how could he, when it was her job to pull his. The only one allowed to mess up anyone’s hair was her.

Instead he rested his arms on the backrest of the sofa. It felt programmed, the way he threw his head back the moment he felt the suffocating heat around his cock. He almost closed his legs on instinct.

“Ah–!” He moaned.

He knew she was only doing this to get him wet enough so they could fuck but he hoped she’d let him experience these feelings again sometime in the future. His own hand around his cock didn’t feel even remotely similar to the engulfing pleasure he felt all over his body, he thought nobody could compare to his own hands, after all who knew him better than himself? Oh but how wrong he was.

Attempting to regain some composure he tried to distract his mind by looking around the room, then down his body. The little makeup she was wearing on her lips was smeared down his chest and the marks disappeared before they reached where her lips currently were.

A failed attempt it was.

Her wet lips and the sounds they were making around him made him feel the pleasure from the tips of his hair down to his toes, it was strange and unlike anything he had ever felt.

She squeezed one of his knees before pulling him out of her mouth and going back to straddle him.

“I’m scared my dad is gonna knock on the door any moment now,” she said before coughing and when he looked at her lips he saw there was spit all around them so he wiped it with his thumb. “Sorry, it’s been a while.”

And for a moment she looked the tiniest bit embarrassed, Charlie wasn’t going to let that happen.

“It’s been forever for me you know,” she laughed and went in for a kiss but she stopped before their lips connected. “What?”

“Guys don’t like to kiss after you blow them.”

And that made no fucking sense to him, what. “Just kiss me, I’m scared, if you don’t kiss me I’ll die,” he joked.

“I like you a lot Charlie.”

He giggled like a fool so he covered his face with his hand. “Yeah.”

₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

For the first round she rode him because he could not, for the love of god, get the hang of it quick enough. He lasted for all of five minutes. With his ears still ringing from his orgasm he almost had a heart attack when they heard someone yelling outside.

Thanks to whatever higher power there was, it wasn’t her dad doing a war cry getting ready to kill Charlie.

“Neighbors,” she said, laughing in his face.

“Stop laughing. My dick almost went inside my body.”

Her loud laugh made his ears hurt a little but the joy he was feeling drowned any existing annoyance. “That would be bad because how would you fuck me again before my dad gets home?”

“What? Like, now?”

“Yes, now dummy,” she laid her back on the couch before she continued, “but I’m exhausted, let’s do it like this.”

“Okay… kinda like what you did but, like this. Okay. Yeah. I can do it.”

It was simple really. It was nothing but a change of angles. Yes.

They were both equally as sweaty but unlike Charlie she looked alluring with the small droplets of perspiration littering the expanse of her chest. He couldn’t help himself, his head lowered over the apex of one of her breasts. A bit shy at first, he left a peck there. Her skin felt feverish.

Her soft moan encouraged him to indulge in his desire to keep doing that for a bit longer but on her other breast. This time he licked her nipple and like clockwork her fingers rushed to tangle themselves in his hair.

“Fuck.”

“This okay?” He whispered. She hummed letting him know her answer was positive so he continued. He only let up when the skin around her nipples looked pinkish and closer to painful than tender.

“Wrap your legs around me, help me,” she obliged, drawing him closer to her. He went in for a kiss to get rid of the nerves he felt right before sliding inside her.

They moaned in unison. Waiting to get his confidence back he let himself stare at her yet again.

“What?” She asked, moving her head to the side, as if to avoid his gaze.

“You’re just really fucking pretty. I haven’t had the time to freak out,” at his words she looked back at him and she caressed his face with her hand. Before adding to what he had said he grabbed one of her knees to start moving, “I’m so happy.”

It all felt so domestic, the chatter while he lazily thrusted, the way they were smiling at each other, he loved it.

They didn’t talk for a brief while.

Charlie had a lot more control like this, now both of his hands were resting on the back of her thighs and he was thrusting with more of a rhythm. The sounds both of their bodies combined made were so flustering, wet and arousing. His cock had never felt quite like this, he honestly thought he could go for hours if it wasn’t for the impending doom of her dad’s arrival.

“Can I– Can I go faster please?” He waited for her to nod before putting more of his weight on his hands to be able to fuck her with more force.

He slid in and out in a frenzy, he felt like he would die if he stopped to take a breather, the sound of her loud moans were not helping at all. Now he couldn’t stop staring at her pussy and the way it glistened with their combined slick, the sight was sure to plague his mind in the days to come.

He never thought he would be allowed to fuck the girl he had been obsessing over for weeks. He no longer would have to imagine what her skin smelled like, or how she would move her lips when they made out. He knew now. This was the equivalent of having your third eye open.

“Fuck Charlie!”

“Yeah baby?” He laughed. “Can I call you that?”

“You can call me anything I don’t fucking care, just keep fucking me.”

He paused for a second before replying, “then, can I call you mine?”

She stopped mid moan to laugh out loud and squeeze his cheeks. “Shut up.”

“Ah, Ah–” his pants filled the room.

“Charlie I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum. Please don’t stop.”

His thrusts were becoming weak due to the fatigue in his legs so he went back to supporting his weight on his knees. “Can you turn aro–” before he finished his sentence she was already moving. And fuck, her face was pretty to look at but her ass was going to haunt his dreams until the day he died.

“Come on, fuck me.”

And even though Charlie was a virgin, painfully so, he always preferred to watch shitty porn if the couples in the videos were doing it doggystyle. Something about being able to grab a woman’s hips with more strength aroused him more than anything.

He made quick work of sliding back inside her and this time he didn’t wait for her signal to start moving. For just a moment he let himself forget all about being Prince Charming and he allowed the more animalistic and primal side of him to come outside to play. His hips collided with her plush ass making loud sounds, the unmistakable singsong of just two passionate lovers blinded by the suffocating heat of their linked bodies.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! Ah! Charlie!”

“I know,” his voice came out whiny and desperate in tone. He wasn’t sure who was going to be the first one to let the tears flow down their cheeks. He felt like sobbing because of the overwhelming pleasure and other more innocent feelings in his heart. “Fuck I think I love you, what the fuck.”

His words seemed to make way for her pending orgasm from minutes ago before they changed positions. Her torso lifted up away from the couch and bumped into Charlie’s chest.

The sudden movement along with the cold feeling on his legs made him look down once again, he saw her leaking on his legs. Good god. “Sorry,” she tried to apologize when she noticed him with his head down.

“You keep on getting better huh?” Charlie rested his forehead on her shoulder. “You’re so fucking sexy, I’m going insane.”

They took a few seconds to catch their breath. She weakly massaged his scalp with her fingers. Charlie lifted his head from her shoulder to ask for a kiss.

“Pull out.”

“Mmm…” he groaned.

“Don’t be dumb, pull out so I can jerk you off. My dad’s been away for like an hour now,” He groaned again just to be funny. “Come on.

The sound her pussy made when he pulled out was nothing short of obscene. They were all sticky and sweaty. A mixture of bodily fluids that if it had been anyone else, Charlie wouldn’t have wanted them to touch his still hard cock.

She chose to sit on the carpet between his legs, the exhaustion was starting to catch up to her as well as she rested her face on her knees.

“It kinda hurts,” he said.

“Let’s make it stop then, yeah baby?”

At that he didn’t even bother voicing out his response, he just stared at her with her mouth open like he was trying to catch flies.

This time she didn’t need to add saliva to make the glide more pleasant, her juices had already taken care of that. Her hand closed around him and he felt like a virgin all over again, he was never going to get used to all her body parts touching him.

It didn’t take long before he lost control of his limbs, he was hunched over, gripping the couch cushions to keep himself from touching her as he didn’t want to bother her in any way.

“Ah– gonna cum,” he whined, his voice going higher than usual.

“Yeah? Gonna cum all over my fist?” He nodded like a dumb puppy. “Go on then. Don’t want my dad to find us like this right?”

“No baby, no. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” The tip of his cock was a painful red shade almost purple, he had been hard for far too long. “Ah– Please, it hurts.”

“I’m not doing anything to stop you.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, fuck,” one of his hands was hanging in the air, clenching on nothing. She saw it and linked their hands together. He was looking at her so intently waiting for her to get the words he was trying to say, he nodded, his eyes glossy with tear.

“Wanna kiss me?”

“Uh-huh,” he dumbly said, nodding again. And as they kissed for the hundredth time that night she sped up the speed of her other hand.

His cum slid down her closed fist and he felt the tears he was holding in slide down his cheeks, wetting her face too in the process. She kept kissing him until he had stopped whining and panting so desperately.

₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

“Dad is gonna think an earthquake hit while he was gone,” she joked once they had parted.

Confused Charlie asked, “huh?”

“Look around, everything is messy. And my hands are all dirty.”

“Not only our hands, we’re all sweaty.”

“Right but we don’t have time to shower,” she pushed his sweaty and tangled hair away from his face. “So you’re gonna put your clothes back on and pretend nothing happened, like a good boy. Yeah?”

“…yeah,” he replied after a pause. “Like a good boy.”

“And I’m gonna do the same and wipe my hands clean with a napkin.”

It was like she had flipped a switch. In a quick moment she had changed back to the sweet girl he knew. Gone was the sex goddess he saw while cumming his brains out.

He did what she told him to do and also fixed the cushions on the couch. He watched her move around the living room like a working bee. Moving things here and there. He closed his eyes for a few minutes and when he opened them again she was standing in front of him holding a hair brush for him to grab.

“You look like you were electrocuted,” it was kind of silly the way he was back to feeling self conscious the moment he was fully clothed again. Like the angel she was, she noticed him looking a bit embarrassed so she added, “it’s cute Charlie.”

He smiled.

“Just that you can’t look like that when my dad is right outside the door.”

“What!?”

His scalp was on fire because of how quick and rough he brushed his hair to get it tangle free, all the while she laughed at him on her way to the door. Charlie discreetly whipped his face with his sleeve, just in case.

Her dad walked inside the house holding bags and bags of groceries. Charlie felt like making a run for it and just pushing the man aside to escape. For some stupid reason he felt like her dad somehow knew what they were getting up to while he was gone.

Once her dad carried all the groceries inside the house he put them on the kitchen counter and shouted, “Kids?”

Charlie almost pooped his heart out.

“Why are the windows open?”

Charlie looked at her in panic, she ignored him choosing instead to walk to the kitchen. “There was a cockroach flying around and Charlie helped me get rid of it. Huge thing. Really, I almost cried dad.

And the man laughed as he spoke loudly for Charlie to hear, “thanks kid, this girl is terrified of those. You’re a lifesaver.”

“… yes sir. Anytime… anytime.”

#charlie walker #charlie walker x reader #charlie walker x you #scream 4 #rory culkin

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