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aromantic-diaries · 2 months

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Yknow I feel more represented by characters who aren't confirmed to be aro/ace or even written as such, but can still be interpreted that way because of how they're characterized, rather than characters who are confirmed to be aro/ace through word of god while the actual story has no implications of that character being aro/ace beyond them not having a love interest. The latter kind of waters it down to not wanting to date or have sex which isn't really all there is to it. I get that not all representation has to be a 100% accurate, deep and touching depiction of the aro/ace experience, but that doesn't mean completely ignoring the character's identity beyond not giving them a love interest.

I will elaborate with two examples under the cut

So for the word of god representation, let's take Lilith Clawthorne from the owl house as an example. I think she's a great character, I liked her, and I think the owl house is a fantastic show that deserved better. However I don't think of Lilith as good representation because the only real confirmation we have is outside of the actual show. It's not in the canon material, she doesn't have a love interest but she's not even the only character who stays single so that doesn't mean much. She isn't shown to be any different from anyone, her being aroace isn't really relevant in any way. I'd say the best word for describing this type of representation is Passive. We know she's aroace because it was confirmed outside of the show, she doesn't have a love interest, but it doesn't really go beyond that. I get that the show was cut short and maybe it would have been elaborated on more but that's just a generous assumption on my part. My point is, I don't really see any real aro or ace experiences reflected in her character, neither mine or anyone else's. She doesn't really represent any actual aspec experiences at all which is why I don't consider her to be good representation. I still understand the community's attachment to her though, we take what we can get and what we get is very little. So while I love the owl house, the aroace representation is pretty dissapointing compared to the great representation of other queer identities and I'm kinda bummed that the aroace character still gets sidelined in an otherwise very queer friendly show

For another example I'll bring up my all time favorite, Rudy Waltz, protagonist of the book Deadeye Dick by Kurt Vonnegut. Deadeye Dick is not a feel good story. The story is dark, bitter and the conclusion is no different. Still, I would describe it as oddly comforting and pretty funny at times. So what does that have to do with anything? Well, our Rudy can very well be interpreted as asexual and probably aromantic as well. He isn't referred to as such, he describes himself as a neuter, the author states in the preface that the protagonist's disinterest is a metaphor for his own declining sexuality, and the book was written before the term aromantic was even coined. However, as an aromantic asexual reading the book, I could not help but deeply relate to Rudy's lack of interest in ever having sex or finding a romantic partner. I felt kinship with him as he described knowing how many people there are who are just like him and yet they go unnoticed by most people, because I was one of those people. I related to him and the way his disinterest in sex was met with such confusion from another character. Despite not being described as such, Deadeye Dick is very much in part an asexual and an aromantic story because the protagonist's experiences line up with that of someone on those spectrums. You could argue that calling him aroace is problematic due to him fitting a negative stereotype due to his emotional detachment, or that he only fits the label because of said detachment, but that does not change the fact that he is still better representation than a character who was confirmed outside of the story with no real implications. I see myself in Rudy more than I do in Lilith because Rudy actually feels like an aroace character

Anyways, rant over. Feel free to disagree with me

#aro #aromantic #arospec #ace #asexual #acespec #aroace #aspec

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weirdly-specific-but-ok · 3 months

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Why the fight for queer rights isn't over (it should be obvious, but to some people it isn't)

TW: transphobia and homophobia

Hi, Tumblr, this is Asmi. If you know me, it's probably as the Good Omens Mascot, which is flattering. I've found so much love and queer positivity in the good omens fandom, and the beautiful thing is how it's canon. Many people outside the queer community don't realise how crucial media and communities like this are. Right now since I'm on break from education, I'm on tumblr for most of the time I'm awake (which is not a lot, I nap more than Crowley). It's wild how different it is from the real world, that I live in at least.

I'm sure a lot of you might have had a similar experience to this: Basically, two people in my life, my bio father and my ex, both told me to my face that queer people needed to stop calling themselves oppressed and how now it's queer people who hold all the power and are oppressing other people. With all due respect, what the fuck.

I live in India, and being a trans guy who is bi and aspec, it's a cesspit. While I'm gendered correctly on Tumblr, and people are so loving and supportive, in real life even my friends who say they support me misgender me 90% of the time. Same with my family. In my previous college which I had to leave because of bullying by both the students and admin, even the queer students would misgender me (I told them I used they/them pronouns, because he/him would have been too unsafe, but even that they didn't manage). In the college I'll join next, it won't be safe for me to be out at all, at risk of losing opportunities and safety. Gay marriage is still illegal. Homophobia and transphobia is the norm. This doesn't even cover all the daily indignities like queerphobic jokes, casual discourse on whether or not we deserve rights, etc. Discrimination against aroace-spec people is rampant even within the queer community, worldwide.

And I live in an urban area, one of the largest cities in India known for its progressiveness and for being relatively safe for queer people. I am privileged compared to other queer people here. The story in other cities, in rural areas which make up most of the country, is far more horrifying. I'm unqualified to speak about anything other than my own experience, but if you can (if you are in a stable and calm enough mental state to handle the information, please put your mental health first) I'm sure there are first person accounts on the many forums.

The fight for equality is not over. It doesn't end with laws riddled with loopholes, it doesn't end even with laws that genuinely help the queer community. Aside from the huge problems of living safely and with access to equal opportunities and resources for people, we deserve dignity, peace, and the right to feel accepted and that we're not an abnormality. And so much more.

I haven't said anything that hasn't been said before, but it can't be said enough. To the queer people reading this, take all my love. We need to stand together, eliminate discourse over who is queer enough to be queer, and be the safe space that the world will not provide for us.

It's not over, and it hasn't been won by a long shot, but what matters is that we're fighting. Even existing as ourselves in a world that tells us it is a crime, is defiance and a step towards making this right.

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redysetdare · 16 days

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I think the reason I'm willing to give so much leeway to shows describing asexual as "a lack of attraction" without specifically saying sexual attraction is because

1. Most of society doesn't follow the split attraction model so when used in a non-sam way that definition can work

2. That's how I used to identify and how many others used to and still do identify. Hearing asexual described like that made it easier to find resources which lead to me finding I'm aromantic.

Yes, I know a non-sam allo audience and writers aren't looking at the asexual identity from the complex lense of there being non-sam aces and sam aces. I'm not saying that they are or can't be criticized.

What I am saying is that saying "asexual never means no romantic attraction" as an answer to the lack of aro rep is... Not always the case and is ignoring the wider issue of the split attraction model not being a widely used model outside of the aspec community.

I think it's important to realize that for some people, asexual does mean lack of sexual and romantic attraction. Similar to how for some people aro means lack of both as well. It depends on if the person sees their romantic and sexual attraction as the same thing or not. It depends on what label they are most comfortable with.

Yes we need more aro characters in media! Yes we need more ace characters who use definitions of asexual as "lack of sexual attraction" because we need more rep and we need writers who understand the identities they are writing for. But I don't hold it against anyone for describing ace as a lack of both attractions, because for some people that is how it is for them. I don't think we should get rid of that rep fully, but we should work on getting more informed representation in media to really show the spectrum of aro and ace identities.

I still think the representation we have right now is fine, even if you think the definition is "wrong". I think we can still do better and demand better representation without possibly hurting people who do identify with this "wrong" definition.

#text #aro #ace #arospec #acespec #aroace #aromantic #asexual #i hope this posts makes sense #i wrote it on monile so if theres typos im so sorry #this isnt me saying you cant complain btw #this is just ne saying to maybe be careful how you word your complaints #and just remember that non-sam identities exist #ace and aro identities are complex. dont forget that

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leikeliscomet · 19 days

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The reason I feel disconnected from the term alloace and its tag is bc it's just not specific enough and bc of that a lot of commentary on alloaces falls flat to me. The specific gender(s) you have romantic attraction for greatly determine what type of experience you will have. There are so many straight ace experiences I can't relate to. Can you safely express romantic attraction in public? Are depictions of your romantic attraction banned in books and TV/film? Then there's race too. When your race is sexualised and your asexuality is denied, how can you then express romantic attraction freely? When your race is simultaneously desexualised, are you even allowed conventional romance to begin with? When you are seen as a sexual being against your will how can you decentre sexual attraction when no one has ever believed you?

Aroallo on the other hand is used to describe the collective experience of aromanticism without asexuality so there's a consistent community for that that's grown but go to alloace and its less active and a series of random posts, not really 'collective community' stuff. Most alloace content isn't called alloace like aroallo content is called aroallo, but just asexual. There's many ace posts that would fit the label but aren't under the tag. Not sure why but I don't think it's that deep. A lot alloace posts aren't even about alloaces specifically, they're posts about arospec experiences either comparing alloaces implying there's a type of privilege or actively blaming us for arospec erasure. The erasure is real and their anger is justified but again it's assumed under the banner of alloace that having romantic attraction automatically guarantees a certain experience when it doesn't, historically or systemically. The most visible alloaces are predominantly white and cishet. The 'allo asexuality' they have is one a lot of alloaces are actively denied and so we actually have more in common with arospecs bc we both have relationship models and exploration of romance that goes against what is societally expected of us. I relate to Black arospecs bc we share the history of how Black people are sexualised and desexualised. I relate to lesbian arospecs bc our attraction to women is unconventional, experiencing 'half' and not the other.

I'm then left scratching my head being asked to use the privilege I don't have and use the visibility I don't get. Does the aspec community ask aspecs to stand with gay, bi, pan and lesbian aces? Do they make posts on how biphobia and acephobia overlap to protect bi aces? Do they ask aspecs to learn the history of how gay romantic lit was censored? Do they ask aspecs to support alloace victims/survivors with the sexual violence they experience from non-ace partners? Do they ask aspecs to unpack compulsory sexuality? Do they do the community support they wish to see themselves?

So yeah, I'm frustrated. With other parts if my identity and if I don't see certain posts about it I'd be like 'well stop complaining and be the one to say something then'. I could do up 'allo aces are valid' content but again, who would I be referring to? Would anyone care? Is it even possible to make a catchall post that fits the whole experience? It's looking like no. Again I need this community to start to looking outside the scope of their own personal aspec experience cus community is in the name but it doesn't feel like it.

#alloace #alloromantic asexual #alloaro #asexuality #aromanticism #asexual #aromantic #aspec community #black asexual #ace lesbian #asexual lesbian #black asexuals #venting bout ace stuff again

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thedevilprince · 2 months

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Thinking about how my closest friends over most of my life have been aromantic.

The best friend I had during middle and high school is aro.

The person I talked to the most in my previous main friend group is arospec.

My current closest friend is also arospec.

It's probably because I'm asexual, so we're in a shared sub-community (aspec). People with similar orientations can get along with each other better, I think. Or it can deepen an already good friendship with a type of mutual understanding.

Though to note: I didn't specifically join LGBTQ or aspec communities to make these friends. I met them all completely by chance outside of those spaces. Usually, they approached me first because I'm shy.

Not that this really matters. I just thought it's an interesting coincidence.

#perhaps to aro people i just come across as very friend shaped #i left this out of the main body of the post but i think most of them are also acespec as well if i remember correctly #i'm not sure if it's true for all of them though #i think several of my followers are aro and/or ace too #lgbtq+#lgbtq community #lgbtq #lgbtqia #queer #aspec #asexual #aro #aromantic #ace #ace community #asexuality #original posts #dp's journal

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lovelessrage · 10 months

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Many have complained about it before, but I will never not be pissed off by seing content labelled as "for aspecs" that is EXPLICTLY only for aroacespec. Will never not be the most frustrating reminder other aspecs do not exist to people. Aspec =/= just acespec and arospec. If you want to make content for aspecs, include non-rose identities.

[Not to mention even within this there is very little room for the variety in ace and aro communities, even when they're supposed to be included in it. Tons of content caters to only one subset/one idea of what each means and discludes aros and aces outside of that bubble.]

#aspec #asensual #aplatonic #afamilial #analterous #nonaesthetic #aromantic #asexual #scowl corner

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demonic-shadowlucifer · 11 months

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Let's talk about Exclusionists and how they harm the community they claim to protect: A collection of hate.

Welp! Pride Month is just around the corner, and with it, exclusionist and TERF rhetoric. A few disclaimers before we get into this: -While this is about the harmful things Exclusionists have done, I would like to add that the Inclusionist Community can be *just* as guilty of doing the things I'm about to mention. -Furthermore, I believe that both the "Inclusionist" and "Exclusionist" labels are kind of pointless tbh, since being inclusive is just the bare minimum, y'know? -TERFs and their variants will also be mentioned since TERF Rhetoric is a frequent thing in Exclusionist communities, especially in Longsword Lesbian communities. -This is not intended to be a discourse post at all, this is mostly for educational purposes and awareness. Furthermore, I don't think being queer should be controversial at all.

-And of course, HEAVY trigger warning for the following: Exclusionism, TERF Rhetoric, Ableism, Suicide Bait, Encouragement of Violence and more. For this post, I have collected screenshots of many hurtful things exclusionists have said, and evidence to prove links to rhetoric from non-queer homophobes. These are screenshots from Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram as well. I give credit to @/animefacialreconitionsoftware01 on Tumblr, Exclusionist Struggle Tweets on Twitter, exclusmoment on Instagram and many others for these screenshots.

So, hang on, what even is an exclusionist?

An exclusionist is a group of mostly queer individuals who attempt to gatekeep the LGBTQ+ Community by claiming certain groups aren't truly queer or "not queer enough".

Exclusionist can be used on it's own, but also as an umbrella term for other groups, such as: Mspec Exclusionists (Battleaxe Bis) - A group of exclusionists that believe that other Multisexual labels outside of "Bi" are harmful, or that they're the same as bisexual. Their primary targets tend to be pansexuals and panromantics. Transmedicalists - A group of mostly exclusionists (Mostly trans people, but occasionally cis people), who believe that you must meet a certain number of requirements in order to be Transgender. While every transmedicalist has different views, the most common opinion is that dysphoria is required to be trans. One well known Transmedicalist is Kalvin Garrah. Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists (TERF) - One of the most recognizable Exclusionist groups. While TERFs aren't inherently queer, their rhetoric can overlap with many other groups (Especially Longsword Lesbians and Transmedicalists on some occasions), so they get a mention here. There's not really much to say about them, outside of the fact that they're simply transmisic feminists. Their primary targets include trans women, but they may also target trans men, nonbinary folks, bisexuals and other mspec groups, intersex folks and sometimes ace/aro folks. The group also has *several* links to white supremacy. Longsword Lesbians - Speaking of Longsword Lesbians, this is a group that intends to fight lesbian erasure. This one might have had good intentions at first, but then started excluding other lesbians, becoming an exclusionist group, though I can't get much information on it's origins. Their primary targets include Nonbinary Lesbians, Mspec Lesbians and PNC Lesbians. They may also exclude GNC lesbians and trans lesbians, though not all of them do. Gravity Knife Gays - Exclusionists that target other gay men, primary nonbinary gays, Mspec Gays and PNC Gays. They may also target GNC gay men and trans gay men, though not all of them do. Aspec Exclusionists - I don't think I need to explain this one. So, why are they bad?

Well, there's evidence on how it's bad. Outside of erasure and gatekeeping harmless identities, a lot of exclusionists have a straight up habit of harassing other queer folks or calling for harassment. And there's plenty of evidence to prove it as well. I'm going to warn you, some of these contain suicide bait and slurs. Please proceed with caution if that sort of thing stresses you out. Some words are censored to avoid getting banned (and for my own comfort as well). Obviously, you have the ones that are simple gatekeeping, which is almost always bad.

(Image ID: A Tumblr post from user "alpinestag". The text reads "REAL lesbians don't date or sleep with men in their past lives! Let's be real, if your soul married a man 1000 years ago, you're bisexual"). I *was* originally going to give this person the benefit of the doubt and assume they were joking, but when I looked they had a *lot* of TERFy shit on their blog, so they were definitely serious.

(Image ID: A Tumblr post from user "didcourze". The text reads "on asexuals having sex, why would u want to have sex with someone if not attracted to them? i get it u still have a sex drive even if ure not attracted to people sexually but how could you justify using someone that u clearly have no interest in solely for sex, ur own pleasure, like that's so fucked??") And then, there's folks that will take it to more extreme levels, like these fellas. This one might not be calling for harassment, but it is *heavily* implied.

(Image ID: A screenshot from a Twitter post in dark mode that shows another screenshot of a Twitter user's bio, also in dark mode. Some information is blacked out in red. The primary tweet has the text "Fucking trenders. Excluse do your thing 💖" The screenshot of the twitter bio below the text contains many plant emojis and heart emojis, and shows the text "I genuinely want to be nice to you all", "hy/him/hers", "transmasch butch boi. OMNIGAY", "'TRENDER" on T" and other information about their location, age, followers and following and the join date. End ID). This one on the other hand... this is blatant harassment.

(Image ID: A screenshot of a Tumblr ask from an anonymous user. The message reads "transwomen are men and if they were really women you wouldnt have to be screaming it 100 times. also k yourself.". A word that starts with k is also blocked out in red. End ID). "Asexuals don't experience oppression" ....Are you sure about that?

(Image ID: A screenshot of a Tumblr dm by a user named "aphobickaito". Some words are blacked out in red. The messages read "D bitch.". Did your daddy r you so hard that your brain got fucked too and you think this dragon cake shit is funny? Because that's some shit". End ID) For those wondering, the last censored word is the r-slur. Some posts will also advocate for straight up violence, like these ones below.

(Image ID: A screenshot of a Tumblr post from a user named "aletheius". The text reads "I love being aphobic. if you don't want to bed the love of your life you should be beaten up and stuffed in a locker".)

(Image ID: A screenshot of a twitter message/post from user "gowonstiara". The text reads "asexuals deserve to d*3". End ID).

(Image ID: A screenshot of a twitter user's bio in dark mode. Some information and words are blocked out in either red or blue. A scribble of blue has the words "Irrelevant stuff here". The rest of the bio reads "k all bi/pan lesbians". End ID).

(Image ID: A screenshot of a twitter post from user "brontydownunder" in dark mode. The text reads "'They're putting asexuals in concentration camps in China' good. Put more". End ID).

(Image ID: An screenshot of a post containing an image of a cropped Asexual flag. The text on the flag is slightly edited, and reads "START KILLING US". End ID) A lot of exclusionist posts also have a *lot* of suicide bait in them as well, such as these ones shown below. Again, scroll with caution if you are sensitive to these sorts of things. There is also an f-slur being used with malicious intent in one of these.

(Image ID: A twitter post from user "beebies" in dark mode, with the two e's replaced by 3. Part of the text has been blocked out with red. The text reads "if u go by they/them go k ll urself no offense lol 😍". End ID). I was going to censor the slur in this one, but decided not to just to show how malicious exclusionists really can be.

(Image ID: A screenshot of a tumblr notification. Part of the text is blacked out in red. The text reads "net-angel reblogged your post: asexual faggots sh t yourself challenge". End ID) And then there's some that will just straight up admit to hating certain groups and even harassing them. Others will admit to being fucking proud of their bigotry.

(Image ID: A screenshot of a twitter post from "sinboundhaibane" in dark mode. The text reads "i hate trans men, yes. if you understood the material realities of the situation, you would hate them too".)

(Image ID: A screenshot of a twitter post from an unknown Twitter user. The text reads "does anyone have edits they want views on i'm about to bully a bi/pan lesbian supporter 🏃‍♀️". End ID)

(Image ID: Two tweets from Twitter users "pipcrgrace" and "ssapphrodite". The text on the first tweet reads "just say you hate he him lesbians and move on...", the text on the second tweet has four variations of "i hate he/him lesbians" and "i ha" at the end. End ID).

(Image ID: A Tumblr post from user "jwjdhdjsksks". The text reads "The panphobes are out in full force today and I'm so proud". End ID). It should be obvious on why this is bad. Advocating for harassment or straight up violence, or telling someone to hurt themselves over their identity is NEVER a good thing no matter how you look at it. No buts, whats or ifs. And that's not even the end of this either. There's also some exclusionists who will restate the *same exact* rhetoric that Anti-LGBTQ+ people spew around. Here's a look.

TERF rhetoric (And invalidation of nonbinary identities)

(Image ID: Three tweets from three users with their names blocked by red, yellow and teal respectively. The screenshot is taken in light mode. The first tweet reads "I've spoken to many girls on here who did transition due to bullying/pressure. Lesbians are also attracted to girls." The second reads The two aren't mutually exclusive, either. Some trans men and trans women identify as lesbians, too.". The third tweet reads "Lesbians are female only.". End ID). Hmmm, I wonder where I've heard THIS before.

(Image ID: A Tumblr post from an individual who's username is pixeled out. The text reads "I really hate the Blue's Clues pride video. They are literally forcing their mogai shit on to little kids. Why do they have to feed kids bs like "nonbinary gender identities" and "pansexuality" on to children!? Why? (Just to clarify: I am not against teaching children about LGBT stuff, I am against teaching children bs)." End ID). Some will admit to straight up misgendering people as well. Again, seems familiar?

(Image ID: A Tumblr post from user "feminismnightmare". The text reads "Hi if you claim to be trans and tell me you're not dysphoric I'm going to use your biological pronouns". End ID). *More* TERF rhetoric (I would also like to point out that the saying "men are trash" is almost always a red flag, no matter the intent, due to it's high usage with TERFs).

(Image ID: A screenshot from an unknown Twitter user. The text reads "Lesbianism is understandable because men are trash. Gayness is fair because trash like trash. Bisexual = greedy. Trans = mental illness. All the others.. nonsense". End ID)

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, a *LOT* of Exclusionists I've seen are also incredibly ableist and racist as well.

Many Exclusionists claim that some queer groups harm neurodivergent folks and POC, but... are we *really* sure about that?

(Image ID: A Twitter post from user "annadoescare". The screenshot is taken in dark mode. The text reads "i don't care about your mental illness. it's not my problem. stop making up these genders that embarrass the lgbt". End ID)

(Image ID: Two tweets from two users with usernames blocked out in red and yellow respectively. The screenshot is taken in dark mode. The first tweet reads "There are lesbians who like men. There are lesbians who are men. There are lesbians who are straight. There are lesbians who are bisexual. There are all this and more". The second tweet reads "This is why I hate autistics". End ID). ...Excuse me but what the actual FUCK. /neg

(Image ID: A Tumblr comment from user "trans-wojak". The text reads "being racist towards whites won't change slavery" with an analog winking emoji at the end. End ID). Straight up eugenics, TERFism or both? You decide! (I'm also slightly convinced this person has internalized ableism as well, but that's not really my say).

(Image ID: A Tumblr post from user "posttraumaticspacelesbian-blog". Part of text has been blocked out with red. The text reads "as a disabled womon i would like to point out that all disabled men should b k ed" End ID.)

Some will also compare some queer groups to arguably worse shit. Exhibit A:

(Image ID: A post from Twitter user "sinboundhaibane" in dark mode. The text reads "new poem: bi lesbianism is a fascist dogwhistle eat my shit". End ID). Exhibit B:

(Image ID: A post from Tumblr user "postmodern-baseball". The text reads "cops aren't class traitors, nonbinary lesbians are." End ID) And there's a SHITTON more too. But I could never do it justice in this post, especially with TERFs. Now, before you exclusionists come at me with "But NOT ALL OF US ARE LIKE THAT!" or "Inclusionists do this too!" First off, I am fully aware that inclusionists are guilty of some of these as well, which is why I don't use the inclusionist label. But that's besides the point, I don't care if you're not like the folks in this post. I don't care if not every exclusionist is like this. THIS is what Exclusionism promotes. THIS is what Exclusionism encourages. Exclusionism is always going to encourage harassment and infighting. No matter how civil you are, no matter how "chill" you are, no matter how "nice you are, it doesn't matter in the end. By excluding other queer folks from queer spaces, you are actively condoning harassment. No, I don't want to hear any excuses. Exclusionism has and always will be harmful to other queer communities. Still don't believe me? Here's some videos that show and explain the exact same thing, as well as some other educational videos thrown into the mix. Transmedicalism: An Investigation. Breaking my Silence on Kalvin Garrah: Part One, Part Two , Part Three. Inside a Cult: A Series about Gender Criticals. Why is Queer Discourse so Toxic?

Addressing my "Lesbophobia" - A Rant about Mspec Lesbian Exclusionism.

What are TERFs?

The problem with Radical Feminism.

And of course, here's my Mspec Lesbian Exclusionism analysis post.

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clockworkspider · 7 months

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There was a post about this long ago that I've seen but I want to bring it up again.

A lot of times people in queer/leftist circles online don't realize how damaging it is, as minorities, to be constantly reminded that "somewhere out there, people you don't even know hates you", even when you're in your safe space, amongst your allies.

The fact is some of us live in that reality, and some don't, but many of us choose to find our own community to avoid/escape discrimination, find support. But instead of just being able to vibe/exist comfortably, we now have a constant reminder of in-group vs. out-group, and the constant warning just how dangerous the outside world is.

I experience garden variety aphobia in real life a few times a year, when nosy elders ask me why I'm not married yet.

When I gave a presentation on aspec to my co-workers, most of whom has never even heard of the concept of asexuality or aromantic, I was met with open curiosity and support.

However, when I started following certain bloggers in my fandom who openly identify as aro/ace, I begin to see posts on aphobia EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Now, I know I'm fortunate enough to live/work in a fairly liberal place. And I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about discrimination. We should talk bout it so we can recognize each other's plight and organize, but in constructive conversations instead of a constant ambient tone of outrage. (Even SUPPORT and AFFIRMATION posts are often drenched in outrage. A innocent lil aesthetics fandom edit has 20 DNIs on the bottom.)

And I think it's worth noting um... how much you're dwelling on your victimization itself. And also be aware of just how much of your perception of reality is really shaped by the discourse you see online.

#discourse #queer

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thethiefandtheairbender · 2 months

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hey random aspec writing question: how would you suggest developing a QPR between two characters with different dating histories and general standings on the spectrum?

for specific context character A is more familiar with their alignment with the demisexual/demiromantic lables while character B is only beginning to question their asexuality and realize that what they want in their relationship with A is different than their previous (failed) romantic relationships.

my question is really just asking for any advice on how you might make those conversations happen without being confusing or perhaps unsatisfying to a larger relationship arc. (and i'm asking as someone with absolutely 0 relationship experience of any kind and is still learning about QPRs in general)

You are in luck because not only am I in a long standing QPR, a few years ago I actually wrote an article all about what a QPR is (or can be) and how beautifully fluid the term can be.

The first thing to ask yourself, therefore, is what this QPR means and looks like for the characters choosing to be in it. Does it mean living apart but prioritizing spending time together as partners weekly, monthly, etc? Does it mean raising kids or living together? Is there going to be a physical or exclusive element to the relationship? Etc.

For example, for my QPR, we both do feel some romantic attraction to each other as we're both on the aromantic spectrum, but for me it's particularly sparse (I'm alterous) and my partner is demiromantic, but the relationship is primarily based on emotional compatibility and friendship, with the romantic fuzzies just being like tiny sprinkles on top that we can easily do without. The life partnership element and the romantic element are two distinct different things that are overlapping, but the former is 100% more important than the latter. With that all said, someone else's QPR might work very differently and include raising children but not living together, for example.

The fact of the matter is also that in practice / the outside, there's not much that makes various kinds of QPRs different than a more traditional relationship; it's the interior feeling of the relationship that is different. None of this is to say that a QPR can never be toxic or anything — people are naturally messy and unintentionally bring unhealthy patterns into all dynamics, and any dynamic has the potential for that mess — but I will say that QPRs tend to have some advantages over more traditional romantic relationships.

Because a queerplatonic relationship is normally formed out of emotional compatibility, there's less of an uphill climb to get to those healthier places, rather than chasing attraction and then having to create emotional compatibility and intimacy from there. This might be different if you're 'blind dating' platonically, but most QPRs I've seen are typically formed after years of friendship / friendship in general ahead of time

There tends to be better communication and subsequently less insecurity

Less pressure! While it can be lonely and/or scary to realize you have to create your own relationship model, it can also be really liberating to realize you fully make the rules and can change or toss out whatever parts of more traditional romantic bonds you didn't want or don't want anymore

For your character who's questioning, a lot of what helped me on my journey as an aspec person was being able to compare how I was feeling to the experiences of other out, aspec people, and going "Huh, this kinda matches up??" + talking more frankly with allo (non aspec people) people and realizing our experiences very much did not match up. So Character B having a comparison basis naturally in Character A, and likely some curiosity just as friends (and then maybe for their own self actualization / searching) is a good basis to build from! If it's set in modern day your character also doing research online or elsewhere (maybe your fantasy world is very chill and cool idk) is also an option.

For concrete examples, I have four main recommendations:

For how to write those conversations and what they might look like, as well as what a QPR may look like between people with slightly differing sexualities, I'd really recommend Alice Oseman's book "Loveless" about a first year student realizing her aroaceness. It's very well done, it resonated me a lot as a sex repulsed ace person in particular, and the QPR in the book is very sweet. "Let's Talk About Love" by Claire Kann also features an asexual biromantic character navigating beginning a relationship with someone who is not likewise asexual and has some good conversations about physical intimacy.

Outside the realm of fiction, Ace Dad Advice on Youtube covers a lot of various subjects for ace, aro, and aspec people, including what different relationships, dynamics, and conversations may look like along a variety of spectrums.

When it comes to TV I have two other recommendations:

"Koisenu Futari" (The Two Who Don't Fall in Love) is a Japanese tv show about a man and a woman who become platonic life partners, and it's about their lives as well as being aroace. I have not watched it myself but it seems like a very heartfelt, meaningful depiction and I know it's resonated with a lot of aspec people

Other TV shows such as Good Omens and The Dragon Prince, while having relationships between the two leads be indeed romantic, are also aspec / QPR-esque as hell, in my opinion. Good Omens has a 6,000 year slowburn, bless their souls, but I'll speak more to TDP, since that's what I'm familiar with.

In the first 3 seasons of the show, elven assassin Rayla and human prince Callum go from being enemies to unlikely allies and fast friends and eventually, best friends who are also in a romantic relationship. Before anything else though, they are partners first and foremost, with that part of their bond being highlighted just as much if not more than their romantic angle. From S2 onwards they very clearly see each other as family, and the bond only grows deeper from there. Even once they get together, they still routinely refer to one another as a friend (not a romantic partner) and it's never treated as lesser.

However, I think the biggest QPR vibes happen for them in S4 and S5 (the show is still ongoing) as, after a timeskip during which Rayla left to undertake a dangerous mission alone, upon her return things are... well let's just say Callum has a lot of big feelings about not knowing if she was alive for two years.

But despite the fact they don't totally know what they are anymore, precisely, their unconditional love for each other is apparent in every episode. In spite of his anger, Callum keeps his temper in check, lets her stay, and steps in to help her when she needs support / reassurance without question; in spite of his cold shoulder, Rayla is patient and understanding (if disappointed) and gradually learns more to let him actually help her more with her burdens and issues.

While there's still a romantic undercurrent, the show repeatedly makes it clear that their strong bond and love for each other is not dependent on romantic feelings being acted upon and returned. When Rayla thinks she's been romantically rejected in S3, although Callum is a little awkward, they immediately go back to helping and trusting each other and being a team same as always even before Callum clears up the confusion, doing whatever they can to make sure the person is okay and comfortable.

Even into their continued limbo into S5, they're out here saying shit like "I trust her, unconditionally," "I know that I trust you to help me carry this," "But not everything's changed: I would do anything for you," defending each other from bloodthirsty pirates, and treating one another as family.

And I think that's a core of a QPR, to me. It's "I'm always in your corner, I'll always save you a seat, you are not alone in the world, I am right here with you holding your hand. Build a world with me. An oasis with me. I will be here, always, in whatever way you want me to be." And I think they exemplify that beautifully

That said if you have any follow up questions or want to DM me, absolutely feel free! I'm always happy to talk about this sort of stuff

#which reminds me that i should write / post there more #aromantic #asexuality #queer tag #ace tag #aro tag #writing advice #writeblr #thanks for asking #anonymous #requests #qpr #one of the main reasons TDP brainrot goes so deep for me i think

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anendoandfriendo · 1 month

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WE NEED MORE POSTS TALKING ABOUT BEING SYSIAN AND PLURILLEAN AS LEGITIMATE ORIENTATION TERMS OUTSIDE OF BEING ASPEC.

That doesn’t make y'all invalid if a system is sysian or plurillean and that DOES make them aspec.

But not acknowledging this as a separate orientation reeks of sysmedicalism to a lot of us (as in, us, Rusanya), we see a lot of things that do this that aren't intentionally sysmedicalist but are like Just There as a direct result of plurmisic oppression (see: our vents about how roles are used, how people assume endogenics cannot have CDDs and how that implies to the world we're magically immune to trauma! regardless of your actual intentions, and similar vents).

Critical analysis skills are in fact at an all-time low and that includes being sociologically-minded, we finally figured out the words for it, thank fuck. Being able to treat a thing as legitimate as well as justified while also understanding some of the nastier aspects of the history of that thing does not suddenly mean you're endorsing the nastier thing lmao, that's like saying because you're using roman columns you're like, wdk, entirely and fully devoted a dead empire and everything it has ever said and done and condone every single tiny thing it did in the name of its wars and atrocities etc etc etc.

You get what we mean?????

But because (from our observations) that skill is just so blatantly not there for so many people everything is read in bad faith and it's assumed our intent is to attack when our intent is to, like, point out something we percieve is an actual problem. Like. Constantly. We feel like we cannot talk about things we percieve as issues (or at least, if not issues, maybe just things that are unacknowledged) pretty much ever lest we get disembowled by the online community. Jeez.

Saying it one more time: we could be wrong here, but our observations have indicated that a lot of people do not have adequate skills to identify the actual repercussions of living in a society. Not just the things that are told to you, but also what is NOT said, what is simply assumed, and what the meanings of words are to the normative power versus what YOU are saying.

And in order to like, discuss actual issues. And. Not rip people apart. That's...do people understand that is a necessary skill to have so you don't fall to propaganda, for starters?

We feel like this explains a lot of things (not in their entirety but as a common thread maybe?):

Antishippers

Sysmedicalists

Transmedicalists

Any -medicalist to be honest

People who fell down the alt-right pipeline in some way unintentionally (so, pretty much all of the above but like, can be its own thing too so worth mentioning)

And like, probably way more, but. Like. We know we're rehashing an ages-old discussion with ourselves especially when we say "propaganda exploits that type of ignorance and unwillingness to analyze things," and so, when we say "words MEAN THINGS" what we generally are saying, so, when you're deconstructing them, you HAVE to understand how those words are used when a normative power applies them to a marginalized one.

-------

That's why we also fucking fixate on system roles so much we think, they're the most direct example that we can easily apply that is relevant to us in a way that makes them easy for us to deconstruct. "Role" to us has a very specific connotation and in relation to the normative power, a "role" implies a point of purpose. The way singlets call their friends a "protector" implies a personality trait as in "oh my friend is such a protector, you know?" but saying "my headmates role is a protector" implies a point of purpose, something that as far as we are aware, is a concept introduced by singlets and then forced onto our communities as plurals and systems.

We will never tell people to stop using words the way they personally like, but, for us, the way we can see this being fixed is...just saying "my headmate is a protector" or "she's such a caregiver haha" because it no longer implies a point of purpose.

And the point of that analysis is more about "is it even useful to imply a point of purpose" because, as much as we all hate it, we DO live in a society. It's not exclusionism to ask yourself WHY you use a label, and the pathways that could have led you to that and what the alternatives could have been or could be.

A point of purpose is the language of dehumanization when applied to systems and plurals. So, let's make it so even respectability politics is no longer respectable. Nothing would make a singlet more uncomfortable than forcing them to admit we are people and to wrangle their own language against them.

Do you understand what Rusanya is trying to say when Rusanya says all of this? 😖

#getting this down BEFORE we forget or just decided to chicken out on it

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multigenderswag · 11 months

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people are only trans/nonbinary allies when it suits THEIR identity and it sickens me.

it’s so widespread I can’t even do anything about it except seethe in silence because I don’t want to get hunted down and embarrassed again.

if people could look outside of what accepting trans/nb people would mean for THEIR sexuality for one fucking second i guarantee you there would be less discourse in this dumpster fire of community

yes, this is about man lesbians/woman gays.

I saw someone call a demiboy lesbian “straight” and then have the audacity to say “nonbinary lesbians are valid!1!”. PICK A FUCKING SIDE.

hi yes last anon i forgot my last point so-called “trans allies” also like to ignore the idea of male and female not being mutually exclusive. I pray they get their asses handed to them one day by some fellow multigender folk because at this point direct confrontation is the only that that’ll get them to see the cold light of day and stop being part of the problem. they don’t like to accept us because they can’t handle the thought of being attracted to the opposite gender, even if it’s in the most slim way- so much so that they can’t see that *we’re not forcing them to DATE us, we’re asking them to ACCEPT and INCLUDE us.* if there’s someone in a community they don’t want to date it’s fine until that person happens to be genderqueer/trans/enby. and that’s very telling about how accepting they really are.

Trans liberation, and honestly any kind of activism for any marginalized group, would not be possible if people only ever stood up for their own identity. We need to support each other in order to have any strength.

Some people really will only expand their view of sexuality and gender until they find something that fits, and then stop there, and don't bother learning about or advocating for anyone else. And that's not how activism works! If aroallo people like me never made any effort to understand and accept and stand up for asexual folks, the aspec community as a whole wouldn't get very far. And like you said, if trans/nonbinary people only cared about their own gender identity, and never made an effort to learn about and stand up for the variety of trans/nonbinary identities that exist in the community, the trans community wouldn't get very far!

It's disgusting to insist that someone's sexuality is something they say it isn't. Did that demiboy identify as straight? If the answer to that is no, don't call them straight. It's very simple, really.

Did they not hear the contradiction? Do they listen to themselves speak? At this point, I'm convinced some of the "lesbian means NON MEN loving NON MEN" crowd includes nonbinary lesbians because they see nonbinary people as women. Nonbinary can mean woman with short hair or woman who uses they/them pronouns or maybe even woman who got top surgery, but god forbid nonbinary lesbians call themselves men or go on T or get bottom surgery or be someone who was assigned male at birth and doesn't want to medically transition. Basically, they only support nonbinary people if they can conveniently view them as "basically a woman."

There's no way to be a trans ally if you view "male" and "female" as mutually exclusive or as polar opposites. That shit is Gender Binary 101, and deconstructing it should be one of the first steps of being a trans ally. It shouldn't be something that other trans and nonbinary people believe so commonly. Not only does this mindset exclude multigender people who are both men and women, but it hurts binary trans people who are connected to or feel like they used to be their assigned gender.

"We can't accept men who identify as lesbians, because then they will invade lesbian spaces and force lesbians to date them." Does this sound like TERF talking about lesbian trans women, or a so-called trans ally talking about multigender lesbians? Trick question, it sounds like both, because they're practically indistinguishable from each other. So many trans allies, even trans/nonbinary people themselves, will make the exact same arguments as TERFs and not see a single thing wrong with it, and it's awful.

You're not helping the trans community if you only accept identities that are convenient for you.

#lesbian #multigender lesbian #male lesbian #transmultiphobia #damn i went off. shoutout to anyone who read this far #sexuality #asks

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hybbart · 1 year

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I wanna say that I absolutely love your post apocalypse ranchers au. Theoretically I love post apocalypse stories, but most ones end up just being 'everyone sucks and is terrible to each other all the time' which i hate. But yours just has all the community and inherent goodness of people that I really wish was in more post apocalypse media. (I also love the layout, smthn about the little portrait scenes with a few lines' description is a really nice format to me. it's like a blog almost)

idk if this is coherent but basically i love the post apocalypse au and I so wish there were other stories like it out there

I apparently had even more thoughts on this than I anticipated even after forcing myself not to talk about most of it, so borderline essay below...

It's much more common in video games but I get what you mean.

Honestly I think it's an issue of American apocalypse media, and the general intent people go into with the genre. Usually when you're writing a man-made apocalypse story it's to say something about society, and if it's a man-made apocalypse you can generally assume it's not something positive, especially given the sort of person that type of story would attract.

The American aspect I won't get into cause that might be a bit too spicy, but I'll just say if you look at fiction from places with more socialist or collectivist attitudes (that's not specifically influenced by American media or trashy escapist fantasy for edgy teenagers) you find those qualities depicted more. In American apocalypse stories altruism is more of a notably heroic trait for the MC.

(I think the concept of an apocalypse might also just much more terrifying and unknown to North American audiences. Things like relics outside of museums and casually decorating the scenery with ruins is more common in Eurasian media. Ancient history, and the implications thereof, is much more tangible there. I don't think an American version of digimon adventures would ever conceive the digital world as it's presented without drawing attention to it as something tragic and sombre, for example. Probably a whole essay could be written why but this is already too long.)

I think it's also because it doesn't really match well with action and horror genres, which is what apocalypse stories are usually paired with. Apocalypse ranchers is a survival slice or life, and cozy, and the format isn't very conducive to complex action, so there's no need to include it.

In an action story you focus on the action, and physical conflict drives action, and in a horror story the conflict has to scare you, usually involving tragedy. In a survival story the minutia is more important, and in a slice of life the conflict is more mundane. So, I guess that's to say there's more breathing room in RAAU to depict the more realistic daily interactions with people that are ostensibly int he same situation as the ranchers - average people who happened to survive.

I do understand that frustration though. I write a lot of post-apocalypse fiction myself, and this is usually how I would write characters acting simply because that's how I would act, if not out of altruism, then out of practicality.

Um, the restaurant for example. The ranchers are on foot and already overladen with their winter supplies, and they've come to a place that's already established a chain of charity. It's more food than they will need before they're likely to find even more food, and it will be more of a burden to carry it all. In a space that's already established itself as a charitable one people are more likely to return the favour. Think about all those stories you hear about people in fast food drive thrus paying for the person behind them for dozens of cars in a row. Of course there's always gonna be someone who breaks the chain, but that's one person in however many people before them, and it's not necessarily because they're a villain.

(There's also a pretty blatant cottagecore/solarpunk wish fulfillment aspect to the apocalypse fiction I like to write not gonna lie.)

Anyways, I guess that's all to say that you should keep your eye out cause there is other apocalypse fiction out there with that sort of characterization of humanity. Shaun of the Dead, Dr. Stone, and Girls Last Tour come to mind off the top of my head. As far as video games are concerned, lots of survival an apocalypse games, especially open worlds, like minecraft, 7 days to die, no place like home, my time at portia, cattails, plague inc, and niche tend of have a more compassionate setting, even when it looks more bleak and depressing on the surface. They have to for game balance. (multiplayer can't be accounted for, though)

At the end of the day, apocalypse stories really live or die on empathy whether even the creator knows it or not. There's a reason ants so efficiently deal with cordyceps attacks while humans struggle to imagine all of humanity collapsing if it leapt to us, I think. I think where they god wrong is seeing that as a bad thing the characters have to overcome.

#raau ask

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redysetdare · 3 months

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I'm sure I've brought this up before but I feel a lot more confident in it now but I'm pretty sure that I do not experience attraction, period. at least, i do not feel like i experience any emotion or feeling that can be called attraction.

Attraction just feels like such a foreign thing to me because every i try to understand it it just becomes lost on me. I can understand when someone is pretty, but i see people being pretty or handsome in the same way that i see a flower is pretty or a sunset is pretty. i do not think there is any attraction involved in that at all. I think the closest I've probably gotten to a feeling of attraction would be when i see buff women; but tbh i feel that admiration fits better than attraction in that case.

idk I just have been thinking a lot about attraction lately and how i always found myself confused on the idea of platonic attraction or aesthetic attraction because while i do like having friends and while i do find people pretty, i wouldn't call the feelings i have towards these things attraction. I'm not attracted to what i find aesthetically pleasing. I'm not attracted to any friends or people i may want to be friends with (Which the friend thing is a whole can of worms for another post with it's own nuances).

Some people may say "No you are feeling attraction, you're describing attraction" but genuinely i feel like i may not be. every time people have tried to explain it to me it never feels right. or the word feels wrong for what they are describing. People describe it as "Wanting" but that doesn't always work with other split attractions.... like people wanting to be friends is platonic attraction but....what is there to want with aesthetic attraction???? familial attraction???? same with descriptions of other attractions, everyone just has an explanation that doesn't click in my brain as something i feel.

and this isn't me bashing on people who feel attraction - I know feelings can be incredibly vague and difficult to explain and me not understanding isn't me calling it stupid or fake. It's more just me not being able to grasp something because I do not feel it. Similar to how i don't fully understand romance as an aro person who just...doesn't feel it.

idk there's no point to this post other than rambling on about attraction. I feel like it isn't discussed as much as it should be in aspec spaces. most people stop at romantic and sexual attraction but not much is explored past that point in terms of the SAM or even just the world attraction in general. Like....for a community that is built up of a lot of identities expressing the lack of attraction it's strange how we kinda don't explore the idea of attraction more outside of just...romantic or sexual...

#text #aro #ace #aromantic #asexual #aroace #aspec #attraction #idk if i should add like...aplatonic or other a-attractions here...i don't really label the other attractions for myself #so idk if it would be like....unwelcome....as it's not about one specific attraction but multiple #and my lack of any of them haha....#i only put aro and ace in the tags because it's what i do label myself as #red rambles

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idiealotdontworry · 1 year

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i know it's hard to recognize it as such when you feel so unheard and alone. but this keeps happening and i feel the need to say something about it: it's a microaggression when people say things like "there's so little aro representation, there's only aroace rep". Like you're not counting aroace people as "really aro" because we are also ace.

i think, maybe, we can point out the fact that aro ppl are often left behind (a thing i feel the effects of, because i am in fact aro!) without pretending that aroace people are not also aro. If you can't relate to aroace people's experiences of aroness, that's fine and understandable. but you do not need to put it on a pedestal lower than "true aro representation", because it's not any less true or real or important than anything else.

like, i'm aroace. the aro is right there, and it's incredibly important to me. and i don't think aroace people should have to feel the need to hide our aceness to discuss our aroness (OR vis versa, which happens often as well and is just as frustrating!! but that particular issue is talked about quite a lot, so i'm not discussing it here).

there's a huge problem on every front of the aspec community, where aroace people are either forcibly assigned as one or the other, or told inadvertently that one should be more important to us than the other... all while being told that we have so much already and it's not fair for us to take up so much space. it's really exhausting.

none of this is to say that it's bad to point out when you aren't feeling seen. i talk about and reblog posts talking about aro erasure often, because i directly feel the effects of it, and it's incredibly important to talk about. but i also feel so isolated from these discussions sometimes, like aroace experiences of aroness are not as valuable. i think it's entirely possible to lift up the voices of alloaro, non-SAM aro, and every other aro person who isn't ace, without treating aceness as antithetical to aroness.

i understand why this happens. largely, it's a reaction to the overwhelming assumption that aro people are always inherently ace. that assumption is wrong and harmful. but it's not harmful because of ace people, it's harmful because aro people are being ignored and assigned a label that doesn't fit. (it happens to bi people as well, being assumed as either gay or lesbian depending on the circumstances, and the issue is not that gays and lesbians exist. it's that someone is being prescribed a label instead of being allowed to describe themselves.)

to be quite frank, in recent years, i've seen a lot of aroace people say things like, "yeah i'm aroace, but my aroness is way more important to me." and i myself have felt an incredible push to suppress my being ace when in aro spaces. i have even been told by fellow aro people that i do not understand aro struggles, quote, "because you are also ace". That has got to stop.

the relative visibility ace people have gained in recent years (which is still not a lot! most people i know IRL still barely know any ace people or even know what being ace is unless they're my long-time friends!) is something we fought extremely hard for, despite the hardships we knew it would bring. it's high time aro people get that same visibility and recognition. but working for that recognition by putting other people down only hurts everyone in the aspec community.

and truly, i need people to understand that it's not just a case of being upset when things aren't about ace people. things are allowed to not be about ace people. i wish things could just be about aro people sometimes also. i am also incredibly frustrated by the lack of aro visibility outside of aro spaces, and my being ace doesn't make that any less hurtful! i just also think things can be about aro people, without being about ace people, without the implication that being ace is somehow the lesser option, or something overdone. people just exist. and aroace people deserve the space to discuss aro erasure as well, because it affects us just as deeply.

#aspec #aroace #aromantic #asexuality #aro #ace #if i get shit for this im just logging off im exhausted w people today

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