#mostly trying to decide if i should do masters or phd

[issahanko]

Essay on my indecisions

           Dear reader,

This essay has been written for two purposes only. The first, is mainly personal, to give some clarity to my thoughts, and what a better way to do so if not writing. The second, is to share my thoughts so that this unravelment could help other readers, or if maybe, I could get some help in return. Well, I guess I have just stated three reasons, then. With no further undo, please enjoy.

             After reading some male existential European philosophers, I have come to a point in my life where nothing have a meaning anymore. I don’t know if it’s that or the fact that I feel extremely lost after the loss of my father, or that I have come to a closure of my extremely long studies (11 years of university, and 13 of school and 10 of music conservatory). Or a mixt of all those things all together. Well, I have no idea on what to do next. I’m clueless. For most people it could be normal, natural maybe, to just get a job and keep going with adulthood. Well, I tried but my search for jobs was fruitless. As the reader could have already guessed, I’m a musician.

- Oh! What instrument do you play? Some readers may ask

-Well, almost everything and at the same time nothing.

I stopped playing viola (alto) when I started studying choral conducting, and I stopped singing and playing piano when I started musicology, and I stopped doing musicology when I started ethnomusicology.

My dear sister once showed me a TEDxTalk where a person explained what “multipotentialite” means and when I saw I thought it was me.

-Oh! I might be like that! Oh! So there are other people like me! How nice!

Really? Nice? I think I was just desperate to find lookalikes to excuse my actions on “being like that”. So human-y of my part to desperately try to make part of a group of people. “Someone just like me” I said. Now that I mention this issue, this trust issue that we all have… I have never felt part of something completely. I have always had this love-hate relationship with every single thing that I have decided to make part of, educational institutions, choirs, even my family. Ever since I was little, I have never had strong links with my distant family, mostly because my parents decided to separate themselves from their family noise, we always lived many cities apart. When we came to visit them for the holidays, we would only stay one month. Always in a Christmas context, so the fights or the sad moments were few.

Multipotentialite was a new term for me at that time (I was probably 17 when my sister showed it to me), what I remembered was the Ted-talker saying that sometimes people excel at many things, it doesn’t have to be just one thing. And I think that’s a huge problem we have right now, in our modern society. We stopped doing many things, mainly, because capitalism demands it. If you are going to work on one thing, you better be good on that one single thing.

For arts, it’s so hard to be good at only one thing, in my personal experience. You have to be excellent in many things. But that’s the school system, once you get out, the work world don’t give a shit if you know how to dance salsa, or if you did good on a Portuguese class. The work capitalism world is so cruel and raw, there’s no place for artists, and no place for multipotentialites who are “just like me”.

So I thought that maybe, continuing my way in the Academia could be my next step… I had a misencounter with PhDs students that wanted to show me how to get into a PhD, but apparently, I don’t have enough background to get into one, on the field I wanted I should have a master in that, I wanted to know if I could get into a Music Technology program, but I have never done that before in my life. So, what’s the point on getting into a PhD if you already have to know everything beforehand? Yes, I know, a PhD is not for learning but for developing your knowledge, bla bla bla. If you ask someone unrelated to music, they will say I can get in because it’s a music field, and I just finished my master in ethnomusicology. All I could see was a bunch of dicks hanging around and believing they were the shit out there ‘cause THEY could get into a Music Technology PhD and not I.

So, what I’m trying to say is that the monetizing way of how the educational institutions are getting into this capitalism world, make a drifting change of career so difficult, that more or less, you have to start from zero if you’d like to bend a little your academic path. Is as if there is no place for indecision in these times, there is no place for interdisciplinarity, there is no place for multipotentialism, there is no place for people like me.

And anyway, what would it be so great on being a doctor in music? Nobody says that I would get a job as soon as I get out of PhDs. Although, for me, studying is also making contacts and get into the professional music network, because I just got to the city I’m living right now and have zero connexions. My cover letters for some of the jobs I’ve applied says completely the opposite, but let’s skip this part, shall we.

So many other artists have succeeded after they finish their masters, they create music ensembles, music pieces, music performances, concerts, presentations, they work here, they conduct this orchestra, and me… Why not me, with all my talents? Maybe because I’m a woman? Maybe because I’m an immigrant? Maybe because I’m a supressed queer? Maybe because I’m poor? Or maybe, just maybe, because I’m potentialite, and I have never exceled in anything, contrary to other’s beliefs.

I was good at viola, one of the best for my age, but I never got to win any price, or to go to a competition. I was good at conducting choirs, but I never had one of my own, I never conducted one in a concert outside of the academia. I was good at musicology, but I never published anything. And I was good at ethnomusicology, but I never published anything… Now I’m out of the academia, and I have no idea of what to do with my broken school life, with the distortion of choices a made in the past. I have no money, no prospects, no future, I only have my mutipotentialism, which is not cool at all, it’s only a bit of everything, not good at anything.

And I’m just having a huge existential crisis thanks to my dad missing in my life, and to some white writers that maybe had these same thoughts I’m having right now, but they could put into more significant words.

I am indeed full of rage, against everything that I didn’t do, or that I could have done better. I am in rage against the people that seems easy to achieve what they put their minds into, especially artists, that succeed and can live from art. I am in rage with the way I was raised, I should have gone further on everything, I should have not listened to my fears, and I should have not stopped what I loved for fear. I am in rage against me being born a woman. I am in rage against capitalism, on not being able to fit in this society and make a better living. And I’m completely scared of failing… of feeling more of a deception than how I feel right now.

Thanks for reading me,

Yours truly.

#writers on tumblr #writblr #original work #writers of tumblr #wrtietblr #writeblr #crazy adventures

[albelen]

2023 reading review and 2024 reading goals

Here I am, on the last day of 2023, reflecting not only about life but also on the books I've read these past twelve months.

My reading goal this year was 25 books. I was confident about it because I got a Storytel subscription last December 2022 and I was convinced that listening to audiobooks would help me go through my TBR - and it did, for a while.

I mostly listened to a few contemporary romance and YA fantasy audiobooks because I found them easier to follow. None of them stood out to me, except for the Wall of Winnipeg and Me, which was such a cute and lovely story albeit the poor writing.

I read another Joan Didion book (Let Me Tell You What I Mean) and I finally picked up All About Love by bell hooks. I'm still trying to find a way to appreciate non-fiction books more.

Letting the hype get into me, I read Babel by RF Kuang. I have to be honest, I wasn't a big fan of the Poppy War, but I still had big expectations from Babel, but alas, I found it hard to finish. It was not bad and you can totally tell that RF Kuang is intelligent (I mean, she has masters and a PhD from prestigious universities) and knows her stuff. However, even if the plot sounded very promising at first, the pacing was too fast for what it was trying to be/do and the characters were not as fully fleshed out as they should be. Robin as a main character felt too passive and indecisive, his brother would have made a better lead.

If I were to pick my favorite from all the 22 books I read this year, then it definitely has to be Clytemnestra by Costanza Casati. It is by no means perfect, but it's a perfect example of a good retelling of an ancient myth and an ancient female character. I went to her book signing (she was so nice!) and she mentioned how she wrote this book in a way that it can be accessible to anyone. I didn't think I could love Clytemnestra and grieve for her, but you can feel her anger and grief through the pages. This book was amazing and it's even more amazing that it's a debut novel.

I might not have reached my reading goal, but I also don't feel too bad about it because I reread the entire Captive Prince trilogy and read so many well-written fanfics (SakuAtsu, LaMen and JereJean mostly lol).

I haven't decided how many books I will set as my goal for the next year, but I hope I'll have the time and energy to read more non-fiction books and go through at least one classic. I also want to reread the Stormlight Archive 1-4 before the the fifth book comes out. The second book of the Wheel of Time is definitely on the list of books I have to go through this year as well as book three of the Mistborn trilogy.

#book talk #books #2023 reads #book review #2024 reading goals #reading goals #reading life #reading resolutions

[bugsandnaturethings]

So! I’m looking to go into my school’s graduate program for entomology. I’m curious if anyone on here is doing the same? I’d like to ask about your experience with it!

#mostly trying to decide if i should do masters or phd #and i need to figure out what to do my research on #since we have to do an independent research for the grad program #entomology #school #college #masters #phd #uhhhh #grad school #graduate school

[archived-kin]

genshin modern au cheat sheet

i’m planning to do more pieces set in this au, so i’ve put together a quick list of the characters i'm planning to write about/include!

there are three main groups here - the zhao family, the ragnvindr family and friends, and the Miscellaneous Pals™

(the next volume in this au is going to be a xiao piece, and that should be up within the next two or so days!)

1. the zhao family

zhongli, 36: history professor at the local uni who also plays the guzheng very well, tea-enjoyer, a very proud and supportive dad who loves his kids more than anything in the universe - probably unironically has so many pictures of them in his wallet

xiao, 23: taking a degree in psychology at the local uni, has a cool motorbike, bit of a control freak, doesn’t like surprises, will drop-kick you if you look at him or his sister funny, wants a cat but his dad’s allergic, never really grew out of his emo phase

yanfei, 19: baby of the family, prodigy lawyer-in-training, far smarter than many people give her credit for, likes building snowmen, has to protect her unsuspecting dad from Evil Salespeople looking to make some extra money

xiao and yanfei are biological siblings, and zhongli adopted them when xiao was 11 and yanfei was 7. the circumstances of this adoption is a mystery that none of the zhao family members seem willing to divulge…

the zhao siblings can have a little bit of tragic backstory. as a treat.

basically they were born into poverty and often went hungry for days on end. biological parents were distant and neglecting (though not actually physically/emotionally abusive - yet.)

when xiao was caught shoplifting bread and fruit from a local grocery store so that he and yanfei could actually eat, both parents went ballistic and kicked him out the house in the middle of one of the coldest winters the town had seen

poor kid was practically freezing to death out there, and yanfei raised such a fuss back in the house that mum slapped her square in the face to get her to shut up, which xiao saw through the window, and he promptly decided that he Was Not Putting Up With This Shit for any longer

immediately went to a neighbour’s house and told them what was going on, neighbours promptly called cps, and an investigation was launched

parents were deemed unsuitable for raising kids and (after a lot of back and forth) the two kids were taken into care

meanwhile zhongli was kind of sad because he had no friends or family in this town and all he really did was write articles, read books, and mark work

then one of his co-workers mentioned hearing about xiao and yanfei’s story and it hit zhongli so hard that he immediately rang up the adoption centre and ended up taking them in

and from then on both yanfei and xiao were very happy and healthy because zhongli was literally the best dad ever and put everything into taking care of them

2. the ragnvindr family (+ friends)

diluc, 29: budding businessman who still works at his dad’s cafe but is looking to open up his own company some time soon, still buys himself juice in those little cartons with the straws, still doesn’t know how raising bread works?? how does it get bigger???

diona, 7: diluc’s adopted daughter who has her father firmly under her thumb, bit of a spitfire but can also be the sweetest kid ever, enjoys making ‘potions’ out of grass and flowers and water (diluc can and will actually drink these potions because his love for his daughter knows no bounds)

kaeya, 25: diluc’s idiot little brother who’s changed majors at least five times and still doesn’t really know what he wants to do, practises fencing and horse riding in his spare time like a nerd, spoils his niece rotten

lisa, 26: the first of kaeya’s three roommates, has a degree in english and could easily have gone on to become a leading scholar but chose to instead open a bookshop that gets way more business than expected because she’s pretty and men and women alike are all simps

albedo, 23: the second of kaeya’s roommates, bit of a genius, has already started his chemistry phd, is almost concerningly pale and exhausted at all times, has not gone a day without breaking one of the cups for at least two years

venti, 21: the third of kaeya’s roommates, studying music, acts way older than he is sometimes but is mostly just a child, asks at least one of his roommates to marry him every day without fail, was and still is both a music and a theatre kid

lisa’s actually the one who owns the roommates’ residence because it’s on top of her bookshop

i was going to keep the whole ragnvindr family trauma thing but i decided that diluc deserved to be happy in at least one au so the brothers are still happy brothers :D

unfortunately that means that i’ve transferred a lot of the family trauma over to diona

essentially her mother died when she was a baby and her father, draff, turned to alcohol to get him through the stress of raising a child alone. unfortunately this led to him drunk driving one day, and he crashed the car into one of the wall’s of diluc’s dad’s cafe.

draff died on impact since he was in the front seat, but three-year-old diona managed to pull through despite her injuries. one thing led to another, diluc ended up taking care of her for a bit while the authorities sorted the whole thing out, but then he got too attached and decided to adopt her permanently

now diona has a dad, three uncles and an aunt who are all willing to shower her with all the love she deserves :’)))))

3. the Miscellaneous Pals™:

xiangling, xingqiu, chongyun, 17: local high school kids, they’re all kind of dating each other, low-key got adopted by xiao at one point, guoba is xiangling’s guinea pig and they all have joint custody over him

barbara, bennett, razor, 17: also local high school kids, also kind of all dating each other (but a lot more tentatively), regulars at diluc’s cafe, almost never seen apart

lumine, aether, ??: they keep showing up here and there around town to climb a tree and just sit there throwing leaves at people on the streets, then disappear. no one knows who the fuck they are

tartaglia, 23: nicknamed childe by his friends, also known as Mr Moneybags, is always just hanging around the local uni campus but doesn’t actually study anything there. his real name is ajax, but he thought that was lame so he gave himself a cool new one

eula, 24: new teacher at the local high school, her father used to be headmaster and was notoriously cruel to his students so everyone’s kind of wary of her, but she’s just really sweet and wants the best for her pupils :(((

amber, 21: number one eula defender, teaches the younger kids at the local primary, likes bunsen burners a little bit too much, still can’t remember how to spell the word necessary

hu tao, 25?: shady local mortician who may or may not practise illegal things, was kind of dating yanfei at some point but zhongli sent her packing as soon as he realised who she was, no one knows what her deal is

xiangling’s already a budding master chef and has received several offers from culinary schools, xingqiu is planning to study literature/language at uni but also might just go straight to trying to get a book published, chongyun is going to continue the family tradition of studying the supernatural with maybe a side job at xiangling’s future restaurant so that he doesn’t end up with no money if he doesn’t get any supernatural work

barbara is planning to go to medical school and also sings/dances in her spare time, bennett still doesn’t know what he wants to do but is considering carpentry among other things, and razor is dead-set on working at either a zoo or an animal shelter when he’s older

tartaglia never leaves the house without at least three pocket knives and a water pistol. he’s never had to use them yet, but you never know...

eula and amber live together and are probably dating but they’ll both just dodge the question if you ask them about it

they’re most definitely together though because on eula’s birthday amber brought her entire class of little kids to say happy birthday and bring her flowers

(incidentally amber is diona’s teacher)

#genshin impact #genshin impact imagines #modern au #genshin zhongli #genshin yanfei #genshin xiao #genshin diluc #genshin diona #genshin kaeya #genshin lisa #genshin albedo #genshin venti #genshin childe #genshin tartaglia #genshin eula #genshin amber #genshin barbara #genshin razor #genshin bennett #genshin xiangling #genshin xingqiu #genshin chongyun #genshin lumine #genshin aether #whew that's a lotta characters #zhao family #ragnvindr family and friends #Miscellaneous Pals™

[heymrstargazer]

hi hello i don't know nearly enough about your oc's so would you mind telling me about them?

WOULD I MIND??? PFTTT

we're gonna be here for a while

gonna do physical descriptions from the actual notes doc w/ little info dumps about all of them (more actual story details can be found at @wcygswhia​ and some better details in this post)

~~~

Colin Rian O’Hanlon: 22, 5′6″, pale af with lots of freckles cause he’s very Irish, had a thick accent when he was really young but has mostly gotten rid of it (except for when hes shitfaced drunk), dark red kinda burgundy hair that looks more brown than red in darker lighting, quite a few scars

overall colin’s kind of a dick. he pisses people off on purpose, gets in their way, touches their things without asking, and makes them question just about everything they stand for. that’s for the employees of his parents’ business, at least. colins parents run an elite service of highly-trained hitmen, and at one point he was supposed to take over the company and was trained as such for many years. unfortunately colin decided killing people was wrong, and has been ostracized from the family since and is either used as a punching bag or completely ignored. but, because he’s an asshole, he doesn’t get much sympathy for the way hes treated. in all actuality, the things hes doing are his very backwards attempt at getting the employees to see what theyre doing is wrong and that they should leave as soon as possible

~~~

Ross Jaymes Masters: 22, 5′9″, lots of tattoos, from wisconsin and has a midwestern accent (literally says ope every 5 minutes lbr), has bleached his hair to hell and back but is letting it grow out (finally)

ross is overall amazing in every way possible, very kind and caring but can be cocky at times (in a lovable way though). is basically a genius, almost has his phd in psychology because his schooling, along with colins, changed a lot when he moved in with the o’hanlons at 13 or 14. i wont get into all that, its pretty sad, but essentially moving in with them was treated as a boarding school type thing, and him and colin learned mostly through private tutors and didn’t really do summer breaks. hes incredibly charismatic and charming, and he knows it gets him more than it should. ross is also very private with his accomplishments because he knows how privileged he is to have all these things, especially in comparison to his 12 siblings and growing up as one of the very, very few pocs in the incredibly white, christian, conservative town he was born in

~~~

Lynette Brielle Dawson: 21, 5′8″, really dark brown hair, some tiny tattoos here and there

lynette comes off as very professional, and saves any arguments or problems for when she can talk to the individual in private. she grew up with her family working in the same business as the O’Hanlons, so she has a lot of knowledge and training already covered which is why she so easily gets accepted into the O’Hanlon’s company. colin and lynette are sort of each others worst nightmare. lynette is like the child the colins parents wish they had, so it causes a lot of friction between them there, and they just started off on the wrong foot and somehow manage to trip their way to another one every time they talk. lynette is trying so hard to do everything right and make a name for herself so colin is there every step of the way messing that up. theyre really the only thing keeping the other from succeeding, cause lynette could do her job if he was out of the picture and colin would be able to stay under his parents radar if she stopped showing him up (unintentionally) in every way possible. eventually they do agree to stop making each others lives miserable, but of course shit hits the fan right after

~~~

Vincent Cohen Brenner: 5′11″, 20, definition of straight white boy (blond hair and all)

oh how i hate this dickhead. hes manipulative, rude, arrogant, overly privileged, and knows he can get away with anything. he originally was just accompanying lynette to the masquerade (where she was hired) because she didn’t want to drive hours to the middle of nowhere alone. unfortunately the end of the masquerade didn’t end how lynette thought, so she ended up asking if vincent could be hired as well. hes careful not to show that hes an asshole around her, but colin can see it from a mile away. its another big clashing point between all of them, and hes so willing to do anything for lynette because he has a very creepy stalkery crush on her. dont get me wrong, he comes off as a very nice, respectful person, but some of the fucked up parts show through in his humor and such

~~~

Austin Elliot Keller: 6′, 25, also the definition of a straight white boy but like the lovable himbo version (light brown hair)

austin has worked at the mansion for a few terms, and has managed to make friends with ross, and somewhat colin (a feat in and of itself). hes incredibly dedicated to his job, which can put a strain on some of his relationships, but overall hes very considerate and genuinely a good person (despite his profession). he takes a liking to lynette right away, not in a creepy way, and shows her a lot of respect and offers to help her through the first few months at the mansion because its all so new. while its subtle, its very different from the friendship she gets from vincent, and because lynette is very her, the two of them mesh very well together. they become friends very quickly and its kinda obvious that theres the possibility of something more there, but neither of them rush into anything and they really build a good relationship before going into anything romantic

~~~

Valarie Marie Grimshaw: 24, 5′5″, a sweetheart honestly, pretty much looks like emma roberts

ugh as i said a sweetheart. she just wants to be friends with people and loves making connections, but isnt entirely a people pleaser. she knows she cant make everyone happy and is okay with that. she makes a very quick connection with lynette, like instantly they become best friends, but she also starts hanging out with colin early on. she develops a bit of a crush on him, very curious as to what he has going on especially being stuck in the mansion despite that his parents hate him. lynette makes fun of her endlessly for it, but valarie also makes a bit of connection with him (as friends) and sorta coaxes lynette into giving him a chance (not that either lynette or colin want it, but still)

#thank you sm i love talking about them #it took me a while cause there was stuff i forgot i had to do but anyway #wcygswhia #jensen answers things #colin o'hanlon #ross masters #lynette dawson #austin keller #valarie grimshaw #vincent brenner #nora o'hanlon #liam o'hanlon

[7wanderingpaws]

Simply, yours (11) (M)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre:  family AU, hapkido teacher AU, PhD AU

Word count: 6.1K

Warnings: cursing, shitty mature content

A/N: Whew, another 6K+ ... The happenings in this chapter were one of the first scenes I had in my mind when I started to write this story, huhu! Hope you like it, and let me know what you thougt. Your comments help me keep writing!  💖 Alright, Im drained.. Imma head back to study. Enjoy sweet readers of mine!

tags: @milky-baek​ @itsbaekhyunsbutt​ @luvhtears​ @shesdreaminginoverdose​ @cynthbee​ @jummyjammy​ @junmyeonnoona @littleflowercrown13​ (if you want to be tagged/untagged please let me know!)

MASTERLIST

1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . 7 . 8 . 9 . 10 . 11

It just felt like yesterday you told Baekhyun you wanted to go home, and now here you were, holding his hand while he had a big gym back thrown over his other shoulder as you were making your way towards the platform to catch the KTX home. The crowds were crazy given the time of the year and it was making you anxious just a little bit.

“It's good we booked the tickets early,” murmured Baekhyun as you both stepped on the escalator leading downstairs. He stood in front of you which made you taller than him for a few seconds and he blessed you with a sweet smile. He reached out with his hand and caressed your protruding belly. Unfortunately, wearing a huge and thick winter jacket made it almost impossible to feel his gentle touch.

“You are always well prepared, my boy,” you praised proudly.

He hummed, retreating his hand and quirking his eyebrows at you seductively. “I like that nickname, my girl.”

You let out a snort and Baekhyun took your hand again as you got off the escalator.

“Pff, territorial, are we?” you teased.

This time, it was Baekhyun who let out a snort, squeezing your hand in warning because he knew your little game. He saw right through it. After all, you had been playing these teasing games with him since the beginning of this week and now it was Friday, Korean New Year happening just this weekend.

Once inside the train, Baekhyun let go of your hand to let you sit by the window, while he was taking out necessary things for the ride. One tumbler with hot lemon tea for you, another one with coffee for himself, his sports management book and a notebook, and for you the small knitting kit to finish off the little piece you had been working on. With a thank you, you accepted everything he was handing you and he gave you a smile before placing the bags and winter jackets up in the holder and taking a seat next to you. Reaching over, he hovered his hand over the window pane.

“What?” you asked.

“Checking if it isn't too cold for you,” he murmured and seemingly calmed down when he got a positive result. “Can't have you catching a cold.” He sat back down, making himself comfortable. “You sure you don't want to have your jacket just in case?”

A smile of complete adoration decorated your face as you looked at his worried eyes that were boring into yours. “No, honey, it's okay for now. Don't worry too much.”

He nodded, though commented: “Heard you sneezing this morning while I was in the bathroom.”

You giggled, covering your mouth as people were still finding their places in the car. “I didn't know it was forbidden.”

“I'm just trying to make sure you're fine.”

“I am fine, I really am,” you reassured and wanted to lean in to give him a peck but was too shy since people were all around standing, some unpacking stuff.

He observed you with a gentle smile before nodding and turning to his book that was on his lap when his phone notified him of a message.

You usually didn't pay attention because you honestly aren't the type to do so. You already felt bad that he was constantly around you, and you constantly around him. You were pregnant, too sick and had too much of a high blood pressure, and he was neglecting his friends because of that.

“Don't think I didn't catch up to your little games, by the way,” he said nonchalantly, not looking your way and startling you.

You frowned at him but you sensed what he was referring to.

“If you continue, I can't guarantee what will happen.”

“Is that a threat?” you chirped, intrigued.

He gave you a handsome smile. “Whatever you like to call it.”

You bit your lip, remembering this week's happenings when you kept teasing him and doing everything the exact opposite of his preference or liking. He was just so easy to tease when you knew he couldn't throw you over his shoulder and tickle the living hell out of you, or have you his way as means of punishing you (pregnancy DID have pros). 

This week while teaching the kids at the elementary school, they became too curious about you and your huge stomach. So, whatever Baekhyun said and tried to explain to the kids you passionately opposed to. So much so that the kids ended up giggling and going against Baekhyun's word that day, which really wasn't the best situation, given he was their master they had to respect. It seemed you were much more playful and willing to speak up with kids then his university team and Jiyoung. But he wasn't complaining, despite huffing at the kids' attitude and later at yours. Plus, Baekhyun was very busy with studies in his free time the whole of the past two weeks, so you might have been begging for his attention the entire time, without you knowing it.

Back to the current day, another couple of more notifications later and Baekhyun picked up his phone, scrolling through the messages. Although you were already going through your knitting threads, checking each knot with care, you still saw from your peripheral vision how he shot you a wary glance. He typed up a message and this time put his phone on silent before putting it in the holder in front of him.

Deciding not to comment, you continued, starting on the small gloves just as the train departed. 

Baekhyun leaned in to your side, checking what you had been working on so diligently. When you started on this piece, you had asked him about the colours he liked so that you could use them. “What is this going to be?”

His breath tickled your cheek and you turned your head slightly to have a look at him. He followed you with his eyes. “Little gloves for out little ones.”

Another handsome smile and he pecked your lips, the action ending up with a tad too loud of a smooch for a public space but he enjoyed the reddening of your cheeks as he pressed another kiss to your cheek.

The entirety of the train ride, Baekhyun immersed himself in the book, highlighting important parts, checking his notes and scribbling more information around the paragraphs in the book. He looked handsome even when he was focused, tongue sometimes sticking out between his lips that were otherwise in a tight line. Watching him leaning over the book, you couldn't help but eye his strong jaw and handsome profile. A sight you knew so well; every curve, every plane, that straight nose, the plump lips and the straight chin. He seemed to be all straights and smooths, and you loved every part of it dearly.

“You know, your stare is burning.”

Few seconds later he looked up, catching you but you didn't even make an effort to not stare. He let out a breathy chuckle. “Hope you ain't getting horny here,” he murmured just for you to hear.

At that, you gasped and he laughed, knowing how embarrassed that would make you feel. “You wish! But it's you not getting any anyway,” you retorted in a shushed voice, turning back to your knitting, pretending to be offended.

“Is it really me?” he raised an eyebrow at you, handsome and all.

You ignored him, focusing way too much on the knitting, except you weren't and ended up making a mistake. “Shit.”

“No swearing while being pregnant,” he chastised, now back to his studies.

The way you took in a deep breath through your nose was loud enough for Baekhyun to hear, which ended up making him smile under his nose.

“I am throwing you off the train, Baekhyun.”

He put his pen down and turned to you, a thoughtful look on his face. “I read that our babies are big enough to actually recognize what is being said. They are able hear now. So this is the phase where we should make them listen to classical music and-” he looked at you pointedly, “not swear. Unless you want them as brats.”

When not replying, he added, reaching out to tap at your lips with his index finger. “So watch that mouth of yours.”

“If that's what you want,” you sighed nonchalantly, ignoring the burning of the touch of his fingertips on your lips. “I will comply.”

Retracting his hand, he had a lopsided smile on his face. “That's my girl.”

You rolled your eyes, though not meaning it. “So territorial.”

Baekhyun laughed.

-

Couple of hours later and both of you were in your respective homes welcomed by the typical countryside air filled with animals and hay. Your two homes were literally next to each other connected by one garden between both families.  

Both Baekhyun's and your family were waiting outside together - already acting like one big family - but after twenty minutes of greetings, squealings, belly rubbings (mostly from Baekhyun's family) you made yourself comfortable at home, your legs severely swollen and tiredness taking over you.

Parting with your boyfriend was at first difficult, because you realised Baekhyun was going to his house and you were going to your own. It would be a first in a long time where  you would spend the night away like this from each other, or at least you thought. You were hoping he would sneak in to your room in the middle of the night, or vice versa. You felt like you had the right to demand to sleep next to the father of the children you were carrying.

“I will come see you soon,” Baekhyun had whispered in your ear just before parting and his hot breath was still palpable on your skin now. He was incredible.

Your father calling out your name was what made you snap back to reality, momentarily embarrassed about the dirty thoughts you kept having the whole day. Geez. As weird and annoyed you were towards Baekhyun in the beginning of your pregnancy, where sometimes even his touches were unwelcome, now you were the exact opposite; you were growing guilt feelings towards him for using him for pleasures. But it wasn't like you were doing everything against his will. He was very much to blame, too.

“Yes?”

“What do you crave for dinner? Mum is already heating up late lunch for you,” he stepped into your small room where you were sitting on the heated floor, smiling pleasantly. You noticed the heavy wrinkles around his eyes.

“I'm fine with anything, as long as it's homemade,” you replied and crawled back on your mat that you rolled out earlier to lie down.

You father tsked. “I will bring more mats, it must be uncomfortable now, huh? You got used to sleeping on a soft mattress.”

Before he could turn to leave you called him back, lying down. “It's fine dad. I missed sleeping on the floor like this. I shouldn't have gotten too comfortable anyway.”

He sighed and joined you on the mat, sitting down cross-legged, batting shy eyelashes down on your protruding belly that your thick sweater could barely cover. “So, how are you feeling? Your mother told me something here and there but,” he shrugged, not knowing how to approach the topic, “are you okay?”

You smiled to yourself. Him being the typical father, he always kept distance between you two, not knowing how to approach his daughter, and leaving all the work to his wife. “I'm okay. It isn't easy but it's what I want.”

“I'm sure you two didn't count on three, though.”

You let out a quiet laugh. “No. It was a big shock but by now I am sure this is what it is supposed to be. Sounds cheesy, huh?”

Your father coughed, smiling to himself. “Is Baekhyun taking good care of you?” he asked, not looking your way as he was facing the door.

You melted at his name. “Yeah, dad, he is taking way too much care of me.”

“Good. I always knew he was a good boy and possibly the right one for you.”

At his words, you melted even more because he couldn't have been more right. At first, it was a shock to your parents that Baekhyun was pursuing you out of all the beautiful village girls that were his age. He did see you as a little girl for the longest time until you weren't a little girl, but a beautifully grown high school student, not too far from a full-grown woman. Despite your parents being against you two dating until you would at least finish high school and Baekhyun his military service, you two always stole some alone time.

“Thank you,” you said quietly.

Your dad turned his head slightly, not quite looking at you. “For?”

Pressing your lips together, you squeaked: “For allowing me to be with him. For letting me go to Seoul to support him. For accepting me as a pregnant woman with no marriage. For not pushing us. I know it must be hard and gossips in this village are reckless but… you and mum endure it and I just wanted to thank you.”

“I trust Baekhyun. I trust he will do something soon.” He paused for a moment, still not meeting your eye. “Did you talk about marriage, though?”

“Yes, not too long ago.”

“You will get married, right?”

Your heart skipped a beat. “Ye-yeah.”

Now, he looked at you, turning his head properly. After a little while, he murmured again: “I trust Baekhyun.”

-

Sitting down for dinner at the small table, you graciously took gulps of hot vegetable soup, loving the special taste your mother's soup had. 

“Oh my, eat slowly dear,” you mother gasped, “you will have an upset stomach.”

“I missed your cooking so much, mum,” you whined, squirming a bit to try and find a comfortable position. Your back was giving you hard time.

“I missed you, my daughter,” she cooed and added more soup to your bowl. “Eat up, it will make you feel good. Is the heating okay in your room?”

You nodded. Given the house was a traditional one, your parents still used wood for heating up the ondol system. “It's perfect. Nothing can beat the effectiveness of floor heating.”

You mother being satisfied with the answers, smiled and caressed your back. “Did you go for the recent check-up before coming here?”

You nodded and swallowed. “Yeah. I will have to take some classes about correct back posture and some exercises.”

“Well, that is important. You already look like a pregnant lady with one just before giving birth.”

She was right. People were giving you wary glances if you ever walked alone, scared you might give birth right on the place but this was just half-way through your pregnancy. Little did they know it was three little ones inside.

You shrugged and she chuckled, muttering to her husband proudly: “Our little daughter.”

-

It was the first morning where you woke up alone and naturally with the chicks outside. They were chirping happily, eagerly waiting for someone to come and feed them while you heard the cows scoffing in the stables.

Lying on your mat,  you were thinking how much you didn't like waking up alone like this. It was your childhood room, yes, but a person who became the most important human being in your life was not present.

“At least I have you guys,” you murmured, closing your eyes while you rubbed your stomach slowly, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere. Thinking about what could Baekhyun be doing in that moment, your phone vibrated, notifying you of an incoming message. You smiled, reaching for it, already knowing who it was. Yesterday, you both decided to stay at your parents' houses, though you did meet Baekhyun outside for a little bit, just to share little kisses and hugs before bed.

you up yet elephant?

Wow. You weren't expecting this nickname so early on in the day. It reminded you of your little game pretty fast.

Deciding to tease him, you didn't reply. Instead, you got up and greeted your parents who were already getting ready to work.

“It's New year,” you rasped, “how about you don't work today?”

“Oh, didn't someone get too comfortable in Seoul? You know we cannot go a day without work, honey,” answered your mother as she was about to enter the wooden porch to put on her boots. “I warmed up the vegetable porridge for you, so make sure to eat it all, or else Baekhyun will have my neck.”

You scoffed. “Trust me, he is harmless.”

“Good morning, mother! I hear I am being badmouthed since early morning!”

Your mother laughed, looking probably at Baekhyun who you had yet to spot. “Dear, you cannot compete with a pregnant woman's temper.”

“Is she mad?”

You laughed, walking to the door to get a glimpse of him. He was in his sports pants and winter jacket, though his hair was messy, probably also just woken up. “Elephant has been up for a while now and she is not mad.” And you left back inside, not liking the cold breeze coming from outside.

“Go, have breakfast with her, Baekhyun” nudged him your mother and was already going out, not sparing you a glance.  “Me and dad will be outside.”

Baekhyun greeted her one more time before taking off his sneakers and entering the house, closing the door behind him so that the warmth wouldn't leak too much.

You were just about to sit down when you felt his hands on your hips and his breath on your neck, his cold nose digging into your cheek sending chills down your spine. You squealed. “You're cold!”

“And you're hot,” he murmured, not moving at your protest, enjoying your reactions too much. He slid his hands further around your stomach and a bit too low. “You're okay?”

“Yeah,” your breath hitched at his touches, already ignited inside. “Elephant has been wonderful without the bad hunter.”

“Offended?” he asked in a gentle voice, referring to his text earlier.

Letting your head fall on his shoulder, you replied: “Not at all. Not even a bit.”

He chuckled and you realised how much you missed the sound even though it hadn't been that long you two separated. “Alright, I will take that.”

“You want porridge?” you asked, and squeezed his hands on your belly. “It's still fresh.”

“Is there something else?”

“Like what?” you scoffed ready to move forward to sit down, but he pressed your back to his front.

“You?”

Your heart went into a slight overdrive. “Baekhyun.”

“Hm?” he played innocent. “We are alone now.”

You turned around and finally looked at him properly, making sure to pin him down with a stern gaze. “Now there, naughty boy, not in this house. But…” you trailed off, avoiding his stare before finding his hopeful one, “a kiss…?”

He smirked and leaned in right away, pressing his lips to yours in a small, welcoming kiss that wasn't supposed to lead anywhere, only to convey one message: good morning, my love, I missed you. Baekhyun moved his hands from your hips to your face, cradling you carefully as you made one last step towards him to get as much closure as your belly was physically making it possible for you. You stood on your tippy toes, curling your arms around his neck to bring him closer to you, and he let out a low “mhhhm”. Smooching your lips a couple more times, he leaned back, giving you an affectionate smile as he ran his thumb under your eye. “Let's have that fresh porridge, then.”

And so you both moved to sit down and chatter the early morning away, munching on the porridge and drinking fresh tea until Baekhyun's phone let out a ding, notifying the first message of the day. He grabbed it, reading it before typing out a fast message and putting it away quickly.

“Who is writing you during New Year?” you asked, trying not to show too much interest.

He pressed his lips together. “You won't like my answer anyway, so let's not talk about it.”

“What, Jiyoung doesn't have her own family to spend the holidays with?”

He sighed. “She is just worried about the competition-”

“It's in July, Baekhyun,” you emphasized, already exasperated. “It's January now. Plus, she kept messaging you yesterday too!”

He called your name to get your attention and you shut your mouth. “We have a competition in two weeks between the universities!”

You pursed your lips in dissatisfaction and crossed your arms on your chest, just to realize your breasts were aching. Without wincing too obviously, you put your hands back in your lap. “Well, can she chill for at least this weekend?”

“I told her to let it go,” he retorted and grabbed his phone, opening kakaotalk quickly to show you.

Let's deal with this next week. Enjoy your holidays.

You knew his chatting style. He was being official and indifferent when he wrote in capital letters and used diacritics.

“Satisfied?”

Giving him a slight frown, you shrugged and turned to collect the plates when he grabbed your wrist to stop you. “Hey, answer me.”

“It's fine, really. Elephant will now clean up, hm?” you said, giving him a smile.

“I should be the one offended. You didn't even reply to my message this morning,” he pouted, ignoring your attempt to flee from the situation.

“I understand. Sorry for overreacting,” you mumbled, not meeting his eye.

He didn't say anything, instead he turned to collect the dishes and move them to the kitchen. “How about we take a walk in the village? Let's relive some old memories,” said Baekhyun when he reappeared from the kitchen, hands in the pockets of his pants.

“Sure,” you smiled and attempted to get back on your fee. He came quickly to help you, knowing your back must have been hurting. “Thank you, honey.”

He hummed, tapping your back gently before giving you a peck on the lips. “Let's meet outside in ten?”

“I still need to freshen up, let's make it thirty.”

He laughed. “Sure. No rush, okay? We've got the whole weekend, just for ourselves.”

-

After letting your parents know you were heading out, hand in hand you took a stroll around the village, saying hi to the neighbours and old friends. When some of the old high school classmates spotted you two, you were welcomed by howling and claps which made you embarrassed to no ends.

“You guys took it to the next stage, eh?” called one of your old classmates eyeing you up and down, and Baekhyun couldn't help squeezing your hand protectively.

“Shut up, Kim, do you even get paid,” you snapped, recovering from the blush.

He gave you a nervous laugh. “You sure grew a sharp tongue.”

You rolled your eyes but both of you laughed, instead talking about the times you didn't see each other and exchanged the news.

You relieved so many past memories, it left you feeling all nostalgic.

“Did you even have any girlfriends?” rumbled Baekhyun once you separated and moved to the outer fields of the village. “I remember you could barely look at a boy back in the days.”

“What, is the bad hunter jealous?” you teased, an excited skip in your step.

“Sure,” Baekhyun scoffed, “he has nothing on me.”

“Eyyy, self-condent men never appeased me.”

“You, sweet cheeks, are asking for a punishment.” Baekhyun, strangely, didn't have the playful glint in his eyes. He seemed deep in thought for some reason, but you weren't about to go too deep into that, given he would get back to his normal sense soon.

You just let out a hum instead of an actual answer. 

As you walked on, him and you both met lots of old friends, all of them reaching out to touch you - which was fine when it came to your friends, but Baekhyun's girl classmates touching you was a bit off. Despite that, you politely answered.

“Aren't you afraid of the birth? I mean… it's three kids!” said one, with long black hair that shone beautifully even in the gloomy January daylight.

Trying not get triggered with the images of birth and all the possible things that could go wrong, you just smiled. “I can't escape it, can I?” you said, looking up at Baekhyun who gave you a tight-lipped smile.

“You will be fine, I'm sure. Anyone with Baekhyun by their side must be just happy,” she exclaimed, not even glancing at you.

You shifted on your feet uncomfortably, suddenly wanting to go home.

“Oh, please,” pinked Baekhyun, laughing nervously.

“You're right,” you agreed a tad too loudly, “and he knows it, too. His self-confidence knows no barriers.” Looking up at his surprised eyes, you gave him a spiteful smirk. “Shall we move on, honey? My feet are killing me.”

“Then Baekhyun didn't change much,” replied the girl, a wide smile on her face.

“Well, it was nice seeing you, Kyunga. I will see you around,” waved Baekhyun, squeezing my hand so that I would move with him.

“I hope so!” shouted the girl at your retreating backs.

Walking in silence for a little bit, Baekhyun finally spoke up: “Wanna tell me what's eating you away?”

“Nothing at all.”

“Liar.”

You sighed, stopping. “Listen. All is good. It's you who threatened me earlier, isn't it? You're being all moody.”

“What, so you can get jealous and I can't?”

You snickered. “You better enjoy it then,” you said, not showing satisfaction that finally, it wasn't just you to get all worked up for nothing,  “because I am not letting it go.”

-

That evening, both of your families were eating together, this time at Baekhyun's house which wasn't much different from your own. The entire time till dinner you kept being just like the whole week. Going against him, sarcastic and mean although you both knew you didn't mean it. Despite that, during dinner he was getting slightly ticked off and ended up glaring at you and staring you down with a stern gaze that said it clearly: stop it or…!

And you wanted to get a taste of that “or…!” part very badly which was why you didn't stop.

“Baekhyun, how is teaching going?” asked your father kindly, the whole family grouped around a dining table on the floor. The dinner was consumed in a pleasant manner, both families enjoying their kids being home. Baekhyun's parents seemed to be extremely protective of you, Baekhyun's mum explaining she wished to have a daughter but instead got a boy. Hence she was careful around you, making sure every wish in your eyes was fulfilled.

While Baekhyun was answering politely, you noticed his phone blowing up again. Honestly, you weren't even sure if it was Jiyoung or not, you had had enough by then. Not entirely sure what you were doing, you stood up as quickly as physically possible and excused yourself for a while, saying you needed some fresh air.

On your way, you caught Baekhyun's eye, but you made sure you were cold before grabbing your winter jacket and leaving the house to put on your shoes on the wooden porch. Deciding the best destination was the stables where warmth was always around, you marched over, meeting the cows in a pleasant coo. The fire was gently sizzling in the corner providing just the perfect temperature for you to stand in your unzipped jacket.

“Ah, I missed milking you, my cows,” you said as you went from one cow to another, greeting them and caressing them between their eyes gently, earning satisfactory nodding from them. They were so cute, you let out another coo until you heard someone clearing their throat at the entrance.

You turned your head to spot Baekhyun watching you carefully. You sighed, turning to face the cows again. “I want to be alone.”

He said your name gently, stepping in and letting the door close shut as he tried to approach you only for you to make two more steps ahead. “What's wrong? Why are you acting like this?”

“I said I want to be alone. Just leave, Baekhyun,” you answered and moved towards the wooden ladder that would lead you up to a small loft where you stored the hay.

“Hey, don't do this,” he said as he saw you walk away. He moved after you, which only prompted you to speed up your pace, quickly grabbing the ladder and climbing up as you tried to lose him. Of course it was silly. There was no way out once you were upstairs in the loft. You would end up being trapped but maybe that was what you wanted.

“Come back, missy!” you heard him and you almost let out a giggle, but instead a squeal left your mouth quickly climbing up as you felt his presence behind you. Once up, you made a little run to the opposite side but he caught up, grabbing you from behind and you let out a scream.

His hand was fast on your mouth. “Shhh, why are you screaming?”

You wiggled, wanting to shake him off but his grip tightened and he turned you around swiftly before pressing his lips to yours fervently in hopes to shut you up. You squealed again against his mouth, trying to fight him until you couldn't fight anymore, completely melting in his arms as he kissed you senseless, opening your mouth and tasting you.

You hummed in satisfaction, eyes closed, bringing your arms around his neck to get a better taste because he was going strong on you. He was pushing you backwards until there was no more space, until he laid you gently in the stack of hay and hovered over you, pushing your legs apart with his knee so he could climb over you comfortably.

“Since when did you become an attention seeker?” he breathed down onto your mouth as both of you were gasping for air. “Constantly teasing me, going against me, and now fighting me, hm?” he asked in a low voice and he pressed his forehead to yours, demanding answers.

“And so the bad hunter caught the elephant,” you murmured and to answer him, you added: “Kids changed me.”

Baekhyun smirked, shaking his head gently before affection took over his gaze again. “Kids, kids, kids. Well, I want to know about you, sweetheart,” he murmured, slowly pecking your lips before moving his lips lower, kissing a trail down your jaw and neck. “Why is mummy this upset with daddy?”

“Oh god, here we go again,” you sighed at the words he used and closed your eyes when he bit down a tad too harshly, “but I think I'm starting to really like it. So don't stop.”

You felt him smile against your skin while his hand slipped under your sweater, caressing your belly before dragging it up, teasing the underside of your bra.

“Take it off,” you sighed. “Take me.”

Baekhyun grabbed your breast over the material, massaging it and you hissed in pain. He leaned back right away, monitoring your face. You smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, they are aching.”

“Ah, baby,” he smiled gently, and pressed his forehead to yours yet again. “I'm sorry you have to go through all of this.” He spoke, but his fingers still pushed down the material off of your breast so he could have access to the skin. You closed your eyes, the smallest of his touches giving you the utmost pleasure. Much gentler, he massaged your breast and nosed your cheek, earning another hum out of you. “I made you like this.”

“Yeah, you did,” you said and mouthed on his cheek that was turned to you. “And I love it. So don't you dare feel guilty, Baekhyun. We still have half of the way ahead.”

“Oh, sweet cheeks, the bad hunter is having very bad thoughts right now. Far, far from guilty,” he rasped as he nibbled on your earlobe. “Your boobs are huge, your belly is huge, your hips and thighs are rounded. I'm salivating over here exactly because I did this to you.”

“Oh my god.”

You don't recall Baekhyun ever talking to you in this manner and you didn't know it would turn you on this much. His hot breath on your skin, his touches, his mind. Jesus. You were a whimpering mess, wiggling your hips for him to get the damn clue to start doing his job.

He leaned back and sat on his knees before he massaged your thighs; first the outer side, then the inner side until he smoothened his hands over the button of your pants, opening it with his expert fingers. His eyes were attentive, checking your reaction but the blush on your cheeks and the blown out pupils told him more than enough.

Slowly pushing down your pants, he followed suit with his. He hovered over you once more while his hand found the sweet spot you needed him at the most, testing it. “Hmm, dirty talk can get you this wet. Baby girl,” he hummed in bliss, mouthing on your neck.

“You haven't got used to it yet?” you laughed quietly and gasped when he pushed two fingers in, letting out a moan.

Baekhyun wordlessly continued his ministrations and you brought him in for a feverish kiss, all tongues and saliva, the need for each other too strong to even care. When the pressure was building up steadily in your tummy, he retreated his fingers.

“Are you comfortable?” he whispered, lining himself up with your center as he grabbed your hand to intertwine your fingers.

“Yeah,” you breathed loudly, “just get in already.”

“We are really doing it in the stables, huh,” he said, chuckling and he entered you slowly, unable to resist any longer. The belly was by then quite the restriction between your bodies but Baekhyun did not mind doing extra work if it meant pleasuring the both of you.

You let out another moan shamelessly, not caring any of your parents could be outside in the quiet evening.

“Does this mean the babies can hear us doing this, too?” you whispered, meeting his focused gaze as he pulled out completely before slamming himself inside, his groan muffled as he hid his face in your neck.

“Fuck,” was what he said, shuddering with the adrenaline rush as he kept sliding in and out of you, none of you hiding how good it felt to finally be connected like this. Baekhyun adored this horny side of you, and he swore sex while you being pregnant was more exciting than ever before.

It was getting immensely hot despite it being a freezing winter outside, the hay keeping the warmth your two bodies created well. Baekhyun kissed you in the last seconds, feeling your walls tightening around him and he himself wasn't far from seeing stars from the overwhelming bliss of you around him and your face that was now shiny with sweat and heat.

“I love you,” you muttered with your eyes closed.

“Look at me, angel,” he gritted through his teeth, heartbeats away from crossing the edge. “Look at me and say it.”

With all your willpower you snapped out of your ecstacy and stared into his fucked out eyes that still gave you reassurance, safety. “I love you, Baekhyun. Too much.”

He managed to smile and heard you scream when you exploded around him. “I love you too, my baby. My only one,” he whispered while panting, and followed you soon.

Helping the both of you ride out the high, he moved around, not wanting to slip out of you just yet, but he had to. His arms were about to go completely numb as he tried to hold himself over your belly, and so hissing quietly at the sensation, he lied down next to you, his clothed chest rising up and down.

“Jesus Christ,” you muttered, collecting the sweat around your forehead with the back of your hand. “This was mind blowing.”

Baekhyun snickered, turning his head to look at you. “It was. You sounded gorgeous.”

Not bothering to get all embarrassed, you turned on your side and laid your head on his chest, his arm coming to circle around you. Although you were all sticky and wet, you felt like on cloud nine. “So the happenings of the trip - the elephant was caught by the bad hunter. And our babies can now hear us having sex.”

Your boyfriend laughed out loud and pressed a loud kiss to your hairline, as he caressed your shoulder. “That's about right. They might be too wild in the future.” He trailed off before suggesting: “So should we just have a round two then?”

#baekhyun fanfiction #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun smut #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun au #baekhyun scenario #baekhyun oneshot #baekhyun imagine #exo fanfiction #exo drabble #exo smut #exo fluff #exo angst #kpop smut #kpop fanfiction #mywritings

[dontshootmespence]

Random Chance

Summary: Y/N yields to peer pressure and Spencer loses a bet. Did fate bring them together or was it random chance?

Words: 1,689

Warnings: Gross fluff.

A/N: My next entry for @cmbingo​ 2020! This fulfills my meet cute square.

This was the fifth outfit change.

“Why did I let you talk me into this?” You screamed, glancing into the mirror before ripping off your shirt and pants for a sixth outfit. “Speed dating? Fuck my life. This is peer pressure. You suck.”

Under pressure, filled with nervous tension, you tended to run your mouth, and right now Piper was at the opposing end of your razor sharp sword. But she still had a smile on her face. “You need to get out there and you won’t do it yourself, so I had to push you,” she laughed, pushing passed the mountain of packed boxes and pulling one of your favorite dresses out of the closet. 

“A dress? Really? For speed dating?”

Dating sucked. It was the most horrible thing ever. All you wanted was to fall into the perfect relationship and then cuddle on the couch. Was that so much to ask? 

Piper laughed and stood behind you, holding the dress over your body. “Yes, it’s not an evening gown or anything. And it’s you. Just because you’re going speed dating doesn’t mean the guys you meet shouldn’t see exactly who you are.”

As much of a pain in the ass as she was, Piper was still your bestie, since you were in diapers. And she wanted the best for you. She’d pulled out your Harry Potter dress, the one with the first chapter’s words written all over. “Pair that with your cute red flats and the guys will be falling over themselves to get to you and the ones that don’t are stupid.”

You snorted and stepped into the flats, taking yet another glance into the dreaded mirror. “You know you couldn’t have picked a worse time for me to go speed dating,” you said, finally content with your outfit. Within the week, you’d be moving and starting a new job at the local community college. “Next week, dude.”

“Life’s too short to wait,” she said, playfully smacking your butt. “Plus, at least it’s at that kitschy bookstore you love. Now go take a nice relaxing walk and breathe. You’ll be fine. I gotta go to work.”

“Text me when you get there so I know you’re safe,” you call, hearing the thud of the heavy apartment door close behind her.

After grabbing your red sweater, you headed down the stairs, locking the door behind you. The bookstore was only a few blocks away and it was a beautiful day out, so you decided to take advantage of the sunny weather.

A breeze brushes through your hair as you walk and the sun beats down on your skin. There are a few other people around, but mostly people are at work. You would be too if it weren’t for the whole “new job, new place, new life” kick you were on. Decided to take a few weeks off before starting your new job. 

The entrance to the Old Fox bookstore was as obnoxious as could be, at least when compared to the rest of the stores on the block. The door was painted a bright red, but it was somewhat worn by age. The store opened up during the 60s and it was still just as popular today.

Like the three bears, the store wasn’t a giant chain or a teeny tiny hole in the wall, it was just right. The walls were a muted turquoise, which you’d alway loved. Everyone seemed to think that neutral was the way to go but you’d always been a fan of in your face color - at least after your goth teen years. 

Noise filled the air - not normal for this place - it was always on quiet side, but given the event you weren’t surprised. Seemed to be an equal amount of men and women, which made you feel a little better, not wanting to be outnumbered.

Since there was still a little time to waste before everything started, you figured there wasn’t any harm in looking for another book or two...or five. One of the first things you planned to put up in your new apartment was this scratch-off list, kind of like a lottery ticket, the listed nearly 200 classics. You'd read a lot of them before, but there were still some that you hadn’t, so maybe you could find one and pick it up before the nausea-inducing speed dating began. 

After reading Good Omens, you’d been hankering for another Neil Gaiman book, so you slithered between the masses in the store toward the section in question. American Gods, Anansi Boys, Eternity’s Wheel, you weren’t sure which one to pick. 

All - all was a good choice, right?

The colorful spines of the books called out to you, another one of Gaiman’s works. Your hand crawled along the edges of the nearby books, your hand just brushing up against someone else’s as you reached for The Graveyard Book. “Oh, sorry,” you said, staring up into the face of a beautiful stranger. He was thin and tall with delicate features, but he had a sharp jaw and deep set hazel eyes that were complemented by wavy brown hair. “I’m apparently on a Gaiman binge. Have you read any of his stuff before?”

“Yea,” he replied, eyeing the stack of books already in your hand. “American Gods, Good Omens and Eternity’s Wheel. I tend to read textbooks most of the time, but I’ve been told I should delve into more fun reading, so-”

He cut himself off and took the book off the shelf, offering it to you. “You saw it first.” Aw, gallant, too. “I’m Spencer by the way.”

“Y/N,” you said, extending your hand. “What brings you here? You live around here?”

Spencer glanced toward the tables set up for speed dating. “No, actually I lost a bet to two friends of mine and if I lost I had to go speed dating. Can’t say I’m all that comfortable with it.”

“Me either,” you laughed. “My friend Piper peer pressured me into it. I don’t drink but somehow she got me to agree to this.”

The owner of the store gave a five minute warning that speed dating was about to start. “So how long will it take you to read those?” He shifted on the balls of his feet, probably nervous, which you understood. 

“Well, I have a few weeks off while I move apartments and start a new job, so these...probably four, five days.” You laughed, feeling every inch the nerd you were. “Been an avid reader since I was a kid. Why do you read textbooks though? Fiction is so much more fun.”

“I can read 20,000 words per minute and I’m always trying to absorb as much knowledge as I can. Helps with the work I do.”

“Which is?” He was cute and intriguing.

“I’m an FBI profiler for the Behavioral Analysis Unit at Quantico.”

And smart. Shit. There had to be something wrong with him. Dream guys like this didn’t grow on trees. “Impressive, Spencer. What’s your background in?”

He looked down at the ground, almost like he was embarrassed, speaking softly. “I have BAs in psychology, sociology and philosophy, as well as PhDs in mathematics, chemistry and engineering.”

“Oh my god,” you laughed. Really smart. Like stupid smart. “That’s amazing.”

“Really?”

“Of course!” How could that not be amazing? “Why?”

“It’s just that people normally think I’m a freak for having so many.” 

You wanted to punch whoever made him feel that way. “Definitely not a freak, just insanely impressive considering you’re so young.” He couldn’t have been much older than you. Maybe five years at the most.

“I started college when I was 12.”

As the owner called out to start the most awkward dating experience known to man, you turned to Spencer. “Hey, would you maybe want to get out of here? Go grab a cup of coffee? I mean, we both had friends insist we come here, but we never said we actually had to go through with it.”

Tension fell from his shoulders, like he could finally be at ease. “I’d like that. I’m really not good at this whole date thing,” he said nervously. “Just a heads up.”

Both of you shuffled over to the register, so you could pay for your books. “Neither am I, don’t worry. I’d prefer to just magically be in a relationship and not have to work for it, you know?”

“Absolutely, so Y/N, what do you do for a living? What’s the new job?”

Now it was your turn to be embarrassed, well not embarrassed, intimidated. “It’s definitely not as fancy as FBI profiler. I have my master’s degree in English literature. I’m going for a PhD too, but to pay for the half of my doctorate that scholarship won’t, I’m teaching. First, it was an online course through a University in New Hampshire where I’d travel occasionally, even though I live her, but now I got a job at the local community college.”

“That’s awesome,” he said, seeming genuinely interested. “What’s the focus on your thesis?”

So few people asked you that. Most people’s eyes glazed over when you talked about books. Everyone except your mom. “Analyzing Othello through the lends of racism as it relates to the Elizabethan period.”

After handing the cashier your money, you and Spencer walked out together, talking about your favorite Shakespeare plays, when he bumped into someone. A muscular, equally tall black guy. “Hey, kid. Funny meeting you here. Aren’t you supposed to be fulfilling your end of the deal? You lose, you speed date?”

He was one of Spencer’s friends. That much was obvious. But Spencer looked 1001% done with his bullshit - whatever it was. “Y/N, this is my friend Derek Morgan. We work together at the FBI. Morgan, this is Y/N.”

“Well, hello, Y/N.” A charmer. 

“Good to meet you,” you replied on a laugh. “Technically, he didn’t go speed dating. Neither did I and I promised my friend Piper I would, but...he is leaving with a date.” You grabbed Spencer’s hand, a jolt of something awesome moving through you at his touch. “We’re going for a cup of coffee now actually.”

“Yea, so as you see, I’m the one busy with a woman right now.” Morgan seemed quite the ladies man and Spencer looked mighty proud of himself right now. “See you tomorrow at work?”

“See you tomorrow,” Morgan replied, a note of surprise in his voice. “Nice to meet you Y/N.”

“You too. I sense we’ll be seeing more of each other.”

When you both walked away, you pulled The Graveyard Book out of your bag and handed it to Spencer. “You read this first. I think this date might go pretty well, but if you have this, then you have to return it to me and I’m guaranteed to see you again.”

Spencer smiled, his fingers tightening around yours. “I’ll have to thank Morgan for being a pain in my ass.”

“So, you lost a bet?”

“Yea, he bet I couldn’t go a day without spouting statistics and I lost. I couldn’t stop myself.”

“Piper just peer pressured me. Guess I’ll have to thank her too.”

The strong, heady scent of coffee began to fill your nostrils as you approached the cafe. When he opened the door, he seemed to finally catch a glimpse of your dress. “Wait, is that the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone on your dress?”

“Yup. I’m a Slytherin by the way.”

“Oh, you definitely won’t need a guarantee to see me again, as long as you want to, I think I’m smitten.”

Piper was going to get a big hug later. Maybe dinner. And lots of wine.

#cmbingo #cmbingo2020 #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fluff #meet cute #dontshootmespence

[certainwoman]

Being openly “mentally ill” while trying to navigate academia in my homeland of Croatia would make me an object of scrutiny. However, I cannot escape the reality of my life, depression and anxiety in my life shape every part of my life and have made me stagnant for the past few years. I have talked about this previously on my blog, mostly in short details, self-deprecating posts as I go here to vent in a semi-anonymous space where being brazenly dysfunctional will not mean it will follow me forever if someday I decide to make my existence a bit less vulnerable to the judgment of strangers.

For a while, I was perfectly able to navigate school, friends, family while having my GAD diagnosis. After a while I needed more meds, but I was excelling more than ever in fact and then I crashed? I feel like I have repeated this story to strangers who ask me what I am doing right now in my life so many time. I am shameless online in a way. I see nothing really fundamentally wrong with my lack of productivity for the time of being. I see the acceleration of my neuroses (as I choose to call them) as an effect of systematic conditions and events in my life that have affected me profoundly. However, on the other hand I see the utmost need to establish myself as productive as my independence lies in being able to provide for myself. In a way as much as I am afraid to face my own potential capability of writing a good quality thesis, I am even more afraid of facing the capitalist job market. Caught in a circle of self-hatred and perfectionism makes me realize they might as well be the same thing. My own background in sociology and marxist politics make my perception of my state deeply associated with societal collapse, the contradictions, the terror of capitalism becoming more visible. Yet being the way I am, on most days afraid of leaving the house, how do I even “change the world”? It certainly would never only be me, but even joining an organization to give myself a purpose besides scholarly pursuits something I have identified with to the point of hurting myself seems impossible at this point. 

Perhaps I should go back to academia as an identity, something I have been guilty of for the past 5 years of my life. Having a clearly planned out future did not really pan out for me. In retrospect, the perpetual scholars doing their PhD after their masters, then perhaps another masters or another Phd (and before you think I am creating a caricature of an academic, I know individuals who have chosen this path) is also an ugly side-effect of the cruel systematic terror inflicted on everyone whose field of choice isn’t necessarily adequate for their living or who avoid finding themselves outside the bubble that academia has become. I can only talk about my own experience in a slavic post-socialist country studying sociology while paradoxically (only the surface) often being dissuaded from social activism, seeing more and more people becoming dissuaded with anything else but staying within the bubble, performing a role of an educator who fundamentally conforms to an institution they belong to. Maybe I sound idealist to some of you, still believing in the possibility of activism, social change, a communist / socialist society but this idea itself has kept me alive for so long.

At this point, I feel like I will only finish my masters if I decide to write it completely vulnerably with the knowledge that the stress of academic performance has contributed to my state. Knowing that academic institutions often on the surface advocate for the disabled people, but do not accomodate them. We are advised to not talk about the personal in our supposedly professional work. My personal circumstances have always informed my work. I have written about queer vulnerability, I have written about the neuroses associated with female bodies and eating disorders, I have written about the films that have deeply affected me. I believe many of you have engaged in deeply personal work within supposedly professional settings. The boundary between the personal and the professional needs to be examined, it needs to be played with, it needs to be studied and deconstructed.

[just-random-obsessions]

Funny Moments In Thor Ragnarök

Thor 1

Thor 2

Avengers 1

I know I said I was gonna do Avengers Age of Ultron too, but because it didn’t have Loki in it, I decided to scrap that idea because this series is mostly focused on the relationship between Loki and Thor. So without further ado, all the funny moments in Thor Ragnarök. Side note: This accounts for all the moments were SUPPOSED to be funny. However these are mostly toilet humor, so whether or not it was actually funny to the viewer just depends on that person’s taste in humor. Funny moments listed below cut line which is underneath the tag list.

Edit for clarification: This is not a post supporting Thor Ragnarok. This is an anti post. In another post (that I’m too lazy to write right now) I will be explaining the difference in humor tones between this movie and the previous three. I will also be explaining why this tonal change is hated by anti Ragnarok people.

Tag List: @fyrecrafted @lokijiro @nikkoliferous @miskiett @icyxmischief @iamanartichoke @juliabohemian @official-and-unstable-satan @darthxerik @melodylnoelle @just-another-human-2019 @fandomsandfanfictions @mentallydatingahotcelebrity @cateyes315 @burningarbiterheart @imnotacreepijustlikeyou @usedtobegoodfriend96 @alexakeyloveloki

~ “Where I met you :)” *skeleton’s jaw drops*

~ “Surtr. Son of...a bitch you’re still alive?!”

~ *The chain keeps spinning Thor around and interrupting Surtr

~ “And you’ll grow as big as a house-?” “A mOuNtAiN” 

~ “Oh that’s a crown. I thought it was a big eyebrow”

~ *Thor’s timing being wrong when he says “that’s what heroes do”

~ “oh I make grave mistakes all the time. Everything seems- *shit that’s a bg dragon* -to work out”

~ “Behold!!! My stuff!

~ *Pronounces Texas wrong*

~ “I call them Des and Troy. Together, they Destroy”

~ *Thor drops the hammer in the dragon’s mouth* “Stay!”

~ *The entire Asgardian play*

~ *The woman in the audience emotionally grabbing Thor’s arm*

~ *Thor being all wtf???*

~ “Father” “Oh shit”

~ *that smile!!!* 

~ *Out of breath* “Behold!! Thor! Odinso-” “You had one job”

~ “I swear I left him right here” “right here on the sidewalk or right here where the building’s being demolished?”

~ “Can’t see into the future. I’m not a witch” “No? Then why do you dress like one?” “hEy!!!1!!!1!!”

~ “I can’t believe you’re alive. I mourned you! I cried for you!” “I’m honored??”

~ *the two girls who approach Thor to take a selfie*

~ “Sorry to hear that Jane dumped you” “She didn’t dump me. I dumped her. It was a mutual dumping”

~ *Thor poking the piece of paper cause he thinks it’s Loki*

~ “You can put down the umbrella”

~ “So Earth has wizards now” “The preferred term is Master of the Mystic Arts” “Alright wizard”

~ *Thor fumbling with the cool spikey things*

~ “I don’t drink tea” “Well what do you drink?” “Not tea”

~*the self-refilling beer*

~ “No I don’t have a phone but you could’ve sent an electronic letter. It’s called an email” “Right do you have a computer?” “No what for?” *confusion*

~ “My hair is not to be meddled with-OW!!!!”

~ “We could’ve just walked”

~ “Don’t forget your umbrella” *the awkwardness between them as everything crashes*

~ “I hAvE bEeN fAlLiNg FoR tHiRtY mInUtEs!!!!1!!1!!!!”

~ I’m pretty sure Odin’s death scene was the only scene to not have any humor in it.

~ “Who are you?” “I’m just the janitor”

~ *Valkyrie tries to do the Badass Walk but falls off the edge*

~ *Val keeps stumbling*

~ “But we’ve already got him” “Alright then. I guess I go through you”

~ *The guns not working at first*

~ *Val’s smirk*

~ *Thor’s mashed up face on the window of the ship*

~ “Whoever you are.” “Whoever I am?! Did you listen to a word I said?!”

~ *Thor’s scared screaming turned into a confused and awkward screaming as he is introduced to the Grandmaster*

~ “He’s wonderful. It is a he?” “It is a he”

~ “She is the- and it starts with a b” “Trash” “Were you just waiting to call her that? It doesn’t start with a b” “Booze-head”

~ “You’ll pay for this” “No I got payed for this”

~ “I am the god of THUNDER” *sparkles*

~ “OH MY GOD I’m stepping in it!!!”

~ “I’m going back to Asgard.” “Assgard?”

~ “Loki!” “Shhh!”

~ *Loki and Thor start arguing*

~ “Get me out!” “I can’t!” “Get me out!” “I can’t!”

~ “I’ve never met this man in my life” “He’s my brother” “Adopted”

~ “Let me introduce myself my name is Korg. I’m kinda like the leader in here”

~ “I tried to start a revolutions but I didn’t print enough pamphlets”

~ “Oh no. Doug’s dead”

~ “That’s exactly what Doug used to say. See you later New Doug”

~ Infinity Gauntlet: “Fake!!”

~ Casket: “Weak!”

~ Surtr’s Crown: “Smaller than I though it would be”

~ *Thor throwing rocks at Loki*

~ “Piss off ghost!!”

~ “It would pull me off-” “Oh my god. The hammer pulled you off?” 

~ *Thor fumbling with talkin to Val and doing the thumbs up*

~ “By Odin’s beard you shall not cut my hair” *2 seconds later* “Please kind sir do not cut my hair”

~ “I have to get off this planet” 

~ “Loki! Look who it is!” *NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENO

PENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

NOPENOPENOPENOPE

~ *Thor gets whacked around like Loki did in Avengers* “YES!!! THATS HOW IT FEELS*

~ “Not just to execute people, but also to execute their vision. But mainly to execute people”

~ *Hulk being naked in the hot tub* “That’s in my brain now”

~ “What are you crazy?!” “YES”

~  “Hulk like fire. Thor like water”

~ *Thor stumbling around Val again*

~ “Because that’s what heroes-” *gets bonked in the head with the ball*

~ *the voice activation being “Point Break”*

~ “What happened to your hair?” “Some creepy old man cut it off” “It looks good”

~ “Banner” “Welcom strongest Avenger” “Uhhh what?”

~ “You and I had a fight “ “Did I win?” “No I won” “That doesn’t sound right”

~ *Topaz trying to hand the Grandmaster the meltsick*

~ “I don’t wanna fight your sister that’s a family issue”

~ *Thor and Bruce arguing like children*

~ “It’s my disguise” “I can see your face” “Not when I do this”

~ *Bruce complimenting Valkyrie*

~ *Thor stealing the name Revengers from the Avengers*

~ “Where are you at these days?” “It varies from moment to moment” *NOPE*

~ “We are going through the big one” “The Devil’s Anus?!”

~ “I’m asking for safe passage. Through the Anus”

~ *The snake story* 

~ “You guys have a beast :D?!!!!”

~ *”I’ll explain later”*

~ “I don’t like that word” “Mainframe?”

~ *Thor and Loki step out of the elevator* “Hello” “Hi”

~ *get help*

~ “Alright I can figure this out it’s just another spaceship”

~ “Did she just say the Grandmaster uses it for orgies?!!” “Yeah. Don’t touch anything”

~ “Use one of your PhD’s” “None of them aRe FoR FLYING ALIEN SPACESHIPS”

~ “Well you do seem like you’re in desperate need of leadership” “Why thank you” 

~ “Not that [Asgard’s] not nice it’s just that it’s on fire”

~ “I love what you’ve done with the place. Redecorating I see”

~ *heroic music plays* *Bruce falls flat on his face*

~ “I’m Korg. This is Miek. We’re gonna jump on that spaceship. Wanna come?”

~ “Your savior is here!!! Did you miss me?”

~ “You’re late” “You’re missing an eye” 

~ “I think we should disband the Revengers”

~ “Hit her with a lightning blast” “I just hit her with the biggest lightning blast in the history of lightning”

~ “So what do we do?” “I’m not doing Get Help”

~ “You can’t defeat me” “I know. But he can”

~ “We’re fulfilling the prophecy” “I hate this prophecy”

~ “For once in your life! Don’t smash!” “Big monster?!” 

~ “It will become a haven-” *Asgard explodes* “Yeah no sorry”

~ “Oh Mieks dead. Yeah I stomped on him on the bridge. I felt so guilty I’ve been carrying him around all day.” *2 seconds later* “Oh Miek you’re alive!! He;s alive guys!! What was your question?”

~ “Do you really think it’s a good idea to go back to earth?” “Yes of course, the people of Earth love me”

I FINALLY FINISHED IT!!!!!

#that took forever to do too #Anti Chris Odinson #anti chris hemsworth #anti-ragnarok #anti ragnarok #anti thor ragnarok #anti taika waititi #im finally finished!!!!!!

[throughthewwods]

100 Days of Productivity . Day 91

🧡 Had my research team meeting. I’ve been assigned my first support-line client! I’m so excited!

It’s hard to believe that all this is finally happening. I joined this research team December 2019.

🥳

🧡 I talked to two grad programs

I’m really grateful for the grad school/career advice I’ve been given so far. Totally Online University sounded really good until I noticed something was off. Turns out they’re not CACREP accredited, so.. that would be a masters degree in underwater basket weaving.

Spendy University has an online option, but no synchronistic virtual classes, which is not great. At least the Christian University had virtual classes.  most of these degrees require me to travel far away for a weekend or a week, which would be really complicated to make happen. i’m glad even though the online advisor’s description of their campus option didn’t sound like it would work for me I called anyway. Turns out Spendy University campus does have a hybrid, low residency option I could do.. Hazah! For a mere $80,000 😰 even after grant assistance that would still put me roughly $50,000 in debt… so.. there’s that..

🧡 I scheduled a meeting with the psych department head of Spendy University

💜 I put my feelers out in a couple mom groups to Connect with other vaccinated, Covid mindful families so my kid can make some friends

💜 ParehtWin 🙂 A few moms have already replied,

kiddo hit it off with one of the kidlets on FaceTime, and a play date is already scheduled for next weekend with a girl from her GS troop.

🧡 Had a constructive conversation with my PhD in anthropology friends.

They had some good ideas on volunteer opportunities I could look into

🧡 put in my application for a local nonprofit that helps the homeless

🧡 signed up for their volunteer introductions meeting

🧡  all signed up and connected with a nonprofit that helps families going through hard times.

That childhood trauma training comes with certification, which is good even if it doesn’t lead to actual volunteer experience.

Busy busy busy for never leaving my apartment 😅

Hopefully that wide net catches a few fish. if nothing else, I can at least say I kept trying until the bitter end!

I’ve reached out to the moms groups a few times over the last year trying to find a part of sorts to no avail. That people got back to me yesterday was a pleasant surprise. Listening to kiddo chatter ecstatically to her new potential friend made my heart happy for her.

And maybe Spendy University will be a good fit?

RB is so incredibly supportive. ❤️

The expense of Spendy U lead to an important conversation with RB that has been in the works for a while, but became RealTalk last night. I need to start making life altering decisions for myself, which includes him, his life, our relationship progression, so I wanted to get his input on The logistics of all this, and his consent to what all this could mean for us, him personally because it will effect him. I’ve put so much pressure on myself to get into grad school as soon as possible so I can be done with academia, off assistance, developing my career, finally self-sufficient, finally a provider, finally a contributor, but What good is rushing into things if it puts me ultimately in $40,000 of debt when I could’ve spent the next year volunteering at various agencies, acquiring experience, studying for my GRE, and potentially being accepted into a more affordable grad program? Waiting a year could save me $40,000… maybe by some miracle I could even get into my local university, which has an amazing counseling program. Even if next year I still end up going to Spendy University, having that volunteer experience on my resume will be beneficial when it comes time for me to apply to Community medical organizations for my supervised hours, so it wouldn’t be a wasted year.

Seems obvious that I should choose patience, but this isn’t just about me.  If we moved in together, buy a house together, it means that RB would be carrying the majority of the expenses for the next 2-5 years depending on how I broach grad school. Alternatively, I could stay at my apartment and we could just keep doing what we’re doing until I can be more monetarily helpful. It’s not a great set up, but it works. Maybe the solution is but he moves closer in the meantime to lessen commute obstacles? 

So all this is all kind of a big deal. heh. I thought a lot about it and been nervous to discuss it fully because no matter what it’s asking a lot of him that was not in the memo when we first started dating mostly because I don’t think either one of us was thinking this far ahead at the time.

And… he was great about it all.. Totally understanding and supportive regardless of what I decide, thinks the logistics of everything are doable, still wants to get a place together, no barbs at all. We even revisited the possibility of buying my friend’s farm and what that process would look like.

I can’t begin to describe what it feels like to finally trust someone has my back for the first time in my life. I’ve had a few dear friends over the years I call family, but at a certain point as people follow their dreams our paths diverge and I’ve never been willing to be a sidekick. so.. it’s always been a pretty lonesome journey. Family is dysfunctional and 3000 miles away not by accident. Allies come and go. I chose terrible boyfriends, so.. that was counterintuitive. RB is literally the only person who I’ve been able to share the ins and outs of my walk. He’s the only one who sees my good days and rough patches, all the little wins, the hurtles, the chronic stress, tears, moments of reprieve, strategizing,..  he’s the only person I really want to celebrate with when I finally cross that finish line because he knows what it took.

#journal #writing #my writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #studystudystudy #positivemindset #relationship #couples goals #love #happylife #RBlovestory

[mysmedrabbles]

RFA Comforting an MC with Terrible Period Pains

requested: by anonymous 

a/n: oh my god the header is a MOOD for this ask. enJOY and hAVE FUN READING THIS therES SO MUCHCOFFEEINMYSYSTEMHHHHH want to support my period-ic writing ayy see what i did there? then feel free to buy me a coffee!

warnings: aside from that terrible pun you just witnessed? n/a

-AAAAAAAARRRGHHHHHH mod alex

Jumin

-he finds you clutching your stomach, sweat beading your forehead as you move from uncomfortable position to uncomfortable position, mastering positions he’d figured only Elizabeth the III could do

-worry creases his forehead as he rushes to your side, touching your side gingerly, almost scared that you’ll crumble under his fingers, but all you do is let out a pained groan, unable to speak as the pounding in your head grows louder with each stab through your gut

- “mC aRe YoU dYiNg???” 

-through pained gesturing, he finally understands that you’re not dying, just going through a torture worse than death

-has no idea what to do, just lays down with you, holding your hand and rubbing soothing circles on your back

-as soon as you finally fall asleep, he’s calling the doctor, wanting a professionals opinion on how best to lessen your pain

-poor doctor in his mind is probably like, “you,,,could have looked this up,,, on your phone,, that you used,,, to call me,,,,,,,, at 1 IN THE MORNING”

-he feels awkward, not being able to help you with more than a hot bottle on your stomach and keeping you company, running his hands through your hair and massaging your temples as he sits with you, helping you the only way he knows how, by rambling about the stock market

-at some point you tune out what he’s saying, focusing on his voice and the comforting patterns hes tracing on your skin

-you can bet that he buys you the most expensive german chocolate, anything that you want, anything you crave will be imported right away and be on your front doorstep the next morning

-he most likely has a calendar app on his phone where he keeps approximate track of your cycle so that he’s always prepared to give you extra special attention and care

-when he goes on business trips that last longer than a week, he has a box specifically made, kind of like a care package containing but not limited to:

-the finest chocolate (10 different kinds! with a surplus of your favourite!)

-those emergency hospital crack-and-place heat packets, good to keep on your lower back and uterus 

-oranges and broccoli (though these tend to be in the fridge)

-with a small note on how much he loves you and will see you tonight on call, telling you to take care of yourself and leaving the doctors phone number in case of an emergency 

Jaehee

-she KNOWS the pain,, she K N O W S 

-im not saying that at some point your cycles start happening at the same time, but thats exactly what I’m saying (i have no idea how this happens irl but it does and?? idk its odd)

-so generally the two of you are sitting home together, laying sprawled on the couch, 4 Ibuprofen between the two of you as you watch Zen’s old musicals, watching Jaehee sleepily hum along as she holds you against her chest, stroking your hair and bringing up your hand to her mouth, kissing your knuckles as the two of you fall asleep together 

-she knows you have a harder time than her when your period rolls around, so she has a tendency to insist that you don’t stress yourself out at work, keeping you mostly behind the counter where you’re not carrying hot liquids for too long. 

-helping you out whenever she can, hugging you from behind as you struggle to stand on your feet, giving you momentary support as she takes the cup from your hands, instructing you to sit down

-no one has ever seen her so lenient with someone when it comes to work

-you log onto the server to gush about Jaehee, posting pictures of her running around at work, helping customers, “ThAtS mY wIFe Y’aLL”

-she has a special coffee brew that she only breaks out when you’re in severe pain, added her secret ingredient (which she refuses to tell you about) that somehow make everything better 

-practically begging her to judo kick you in the spine because goddamnit it hurts so bad (she doesn't, opting for a soothing massage instead)

-kisses and cuddles galore, she puts the care in “caring for you,” to the point where she doesn't complain about her own mediocre periods upon seeing just how bad the pain is with you (please take care of her anyways she deserves the best)

Yoosung

-listen,, this boy grew up with sisters and a mother, he’s practically a pro when it comes to helping you out

-the second he sees you rush into the restroom in a panic, he’s already getting the pill bottle and hot bottle out, doing the bed the way you like it and pulling out your favourite blanket and warm stuffed animal 

-insists to take care of you the whole time, and is willing to skip school to stay home with you,, its only after threatening him from the bed, wagging your finger weakly at him does he actually go, however he’s one to send you worrying text messages through the whole day, and silly photos of a leaf he saw or a funny cat meme

-he cooks for you like theres no tomorrow, and is always extremely apologetic when he gets home an hour later than normal due to grocery shopping, only to find you having finally fallen asleep, stuffed animal discarded neatly on the bedside table, hugging his pillow instead

-his eyes soften, heartrate slowing down as he gazes on your sleeping form

-trying his best not to disturb you, he tiptoes out of the room, getting your favourite dinner ready, and trying his best to make something with your preferred chocolate

-you hobble out of the room sleepily, the smell of food drawing you to the kitchen

-he’ll immediately drop everything, running to you as he helps you to a chair, chiding you for getting up and straining yourself when you could have just called for him

-playing video games together lazily, him joking that he should let you win, but this just drives you to beat his ass in mariokart, absolutely demolishing him with no mercy

-he sits there shell shocked as you sit next to him grinning 

Seven 

-he’s versed in over five languages, survived the worst years of his life, is number one in the Shooting Star Server, the best hacker on the planet, and yet he has no preparation on how to help you through periods

-he knows the basics, but seeing you in such pain makes him rethink everything he thought he knew

-he sees you constantly shifting, arching your back in a vain attempt to crack it, crack any bone for momentary relief, and decides this is his time to shine and help you somewhat

-he gives the best back massages, working the pressure points on your lower back, and getting out all the knots in your shoulders, pressing kisses to your shoulder blades as he goes along, fingers working on the entirety of your back.

-shares his Honey Buddha Chips with you, even letting you take three or more bags, as long as you promise to not waste any that is.

-keeps you away from spicy foods, dairy and phD pepper, his technical knowledge had gotten him that far at least, and even though you’re more than happy to eat junk food for a week straight, for the first time ever he insists on eating better, giving you foods such as salmon and oranges,, only after heavy persuasion and multiple times of you threatening him does he let you have chocolate 

-he stays with you the whole time, making sure you’re laughing and taking care of yourself, trying his best to ease the pain with terrible terrible jokes and horrible Saeran impressions

-he knows that you dont like having a heating pad on your stomach because its so weird barely being able to move and having to stay in one place, so he places his laptop on your stomach, letting it overheat on your pelvic area as the two of you play fireboy and watergirl

Zen

-before we start i just wanna say Zen is 100% the type of guy who would hold no disgust or immature “ew thats icky”type attitude to the thought of buying his s/o menstrual products and he looks down on any man that does have that attitude

-he’s not quite versed in how to help you, but he’s a fast learner, and would rather rely on your own reactions to his help and seeing what works for you as opposed to just asking the void that is the internet what is supposed to help

-he’s one to carry you everywhere while you’re on your period, not letting you strain yourself for fear you’ll get off balance, fall and hurt yourself, and he’s constantly referencing you as his prince(ss), even more than usual

-singing you to sleep, letting his melodious voice wash over you as he holds you close, letting his natural body warmth keep you warm

-strokes your hair as you lay down, exhausted from all the pain, your body physically not able to stay awake anymore, practically blacking out

-if you cry, he’ll hold you, massaging your back and whispering soft comforts in your ear, but inside he’s pained by the distress this is causing you, and is mainly frustrated that he can’t do more

-sometimes he wakes up early in the morning to go for a jog or get breakfast for the two of you, and he’ll leave multiple sticky notes with sweet messages, ensuring that he’ll be back soon and to take it easy until he’s back home

-this man with Refuse to let you strain yourself in Any way, and will drop Everything to run over if he sees you so much as bending over to pick up something, practically throwing himself over the dropped item and insisting to pick it up for you

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger imagines #mystic messenger headcannons #mystic messenger fanfic #mysme #mysme imagine #rfa #rfa members #rfa reactions #Jumin #jumin han #jumin x reader #jumin x mc #jumin route #jaehee #jaehee kang #jaehee x mc #mysme jaehee #mystic messenger jaehee #yoosung #yoosung route #yoosung x reader #yoosung kim #mm yoosung #yoosung x mc #zen #zen route #mystic messenger zen #zen x mc #mysme zen

[arteesticwriter]

My Perfect Wife by Blake Pierce ( A book rant / review )

( Major spoiler warning, cuz a girl can’t control herself )

I decided to download a book from iBook recently, and try reading an ‘e-book’. I never really liked it before, but there are many free options available, and I wanted to get a taste of it. And let’s just start with I was not disappointed.

The story begins with Jessica Hunt moving into a new neighborhood with Kyle, her husband. Now at first glance, she seems happy to be moving. She seems to like the house, and the ‘beach air’ which she could not experience because she was a city girl. But as we read on, we realized that she is not really into this. She liked living in the city and she moved for two reasons only; one being her practicum at NRD and Kyle getting a job in the area due to the financial consultancy firm expanding. She is trying to get her Master’s or Phd ( I don’t remember ) in Forensic Psychology and so she enrolls into the local university, where she will finish her degree along with her practicum.

Now, as we read on, we can tell that something is off about the neighborhood, which Jessie also realizes. She feels uncomfortable and out of place, which honestly was a red flag. She should have yeeted out of there the minute they met Teddy, who happens to be Kyle’s best friend from high school, as mentioned by Kyle. Teddy has a son, Daughton, and a wife, Melissa. Throughout the book, we can tell that Melissa and Jessie get pretty close. Mostly because Melissa seems to be the only one who is helping Jessie at least somewhat understand and fit into this new life.

I want to take a pause here and talk about the characters. Let’s start with Kyle. Now Kyle seemed like the ideal husband, until he and Teddy happened to treat a woman like an object behind her back. That too a random ass woman they were just passing by. Kyle seemed almost offended when Jessie called him out, and I automatically knew that he was not what he was pretending to be. At first glance, Kyle seems like a nice, loving husband, who is a bit on the naive side. Innocent almost. At second glance…. think again. He seems like a pretty normal and okay character, but something about him just felt off. And obviously I found out why in the end. Which also makes me question whether this book was somewhat obvious, or am I just too weird about solving the mystery before the end of the book.

Moving onto Teddy. Now Teddy feels like your regular asshole of a husband, who is present in the wife and kid’s life, but is just a very shitty dude. He cheats on his wife on a regular basis, with protection from a club he is a member of. At the end of the day, I must say, he really does care about his son and wife. He is incredibly disrespectful, but you know he is just an idiot.

As I mentioned before, Teddy has a wife, Melissa. Now, she is the basic best friend that supports our main gal through thick and thin, aka Jessie’s non-official best friend. Their friendship formed during a really tough time, but you know that it was strong. Mel was their for Jessie when she lost her baby, and she was also the first person to tell her the reality, at the time alleged by Mel, of Club Deseo. Melissa is your typical housewife. She really loves Teddy, she takes care of Daughton, and she hangs out with local housewives, who also happen to be members of Club Deseo. She has a pretty good idea about what Club Deseo is all about, however, she sticks around because she is used to the life they have created for themselves. She is almost stuck. She does not want leave the comfort and little bubble she has created for herself, and so she deals with Club Deseo’s bullshit, along with Teddy’s.

The one person I have not mentioned yet is Kimberly. Kimberly lives in the house across from Jessie’s and she was also one of the first person she met in this new neighborhood. Okay, now Kimberly is….. quite interesting. I don’t know how to say it, she kind of seems all over the place. There was this one scene where Jessie saw Kimberly’s husband and their nanny running naked up the stairs, and came to the most normal conclusion, he is cheating on her. When Jessie told Kimberly about this, she was mad at Jessie. It almost felt more like she was mad at Jessie for saying something about it, rather than being pissed at her husband about it.

Now, let’s talk about Bolton Crutchfield. He is a serial killer who has been caught and is now residing at the NRD, the same place where Jessie is doing her practicum. If you think about it, we are following two story lines. One of Jessie’s home life, and the other being her professional life, which is also mixed with her childhood. NRD is seemingly a very private, secretive government organization I guess, which homes criminals who can not be rehabilitated. This Bolton guy is a serial killer there, who apparently learnt his techniques from a serial killer who had kidnapped Jessie years ago. Which is why Jessie wants to work in the NRD.

This Bolton guy also knows everything about her life, even though he barely comes into contact with the outside world. It is very creepy. He knew she was pregnant, he knew she didn't kill anyone, etc. It just all feels eerie.

Now, one mystery was solved in this book, but I did not ruin it. It was a pretty good one, but, like I said, it was painfully obvious. It was really entertaining and quick to read, but it was not the most well thought out thriller.

I am too cheap to pay for the series, so I am not going to read the rest of them. However, if you do check this book out, keep in mind, it is a part of a series. I know it is kinda unfair of me to judge a book that is a part of a series by itself, but I think every book should be able to hold its own.

In short; fun, easy and quick, but obvious and not the most gripping.

But I can’t complain, because it was free!

#books and libraries #book review #book recommendations #bookblr #spilled thoughts #spilled feelings #novels #writers on tumblr #bookaholic #book rant #bookish #bookworm #reader #readerblr #thrillers #psychological #my escape #long reads #bookaddict

[chaotic-archaeologist]

Any advice for an aspiring archeologist?

Greetings! 

I have a lot of advice, and I’m going to frame it with the preface that I spent two years figuring out that I needed to not be a psych major, so my path might look a little different than someone who started out as an anthro major.

Now let’s begin:

Narrow down your area of interest: Think carefully about what areas/ periods of history you like the best and resonate the most with. For example, Medieval Europe is a thousand years and a whole continent, so try to narrow it down to a specific region and time span (I specialize in Wales 800 CE- 1300 CE and England during the War of the Roses). Ancient Rome is very big and very long too. Break it into political periods (Republic/Empire/Rise/Fall) and geographic areas.

One thing I’ve found that helps a lot with this process is reading a lot of historical fiction. Read some books to see what kind of people you’re drawn to (peasants/royalty/merchants/aristocrats/etc). I can personally recommend a lot of books on England that helped me figure out who pulled on my heartstrings and who I didn’t care about.

Depending on what you choose you’ll end up in one of two categories 1) Prehistoric Archaeology, or 2) Historical Archaeology. These will be important for some undergrad classes but it’s mostly a grad school thing that you can sort out as you get on with your education.

Classes: There will be some classes that you need to take for an archaeology/anthropology major. They might vary depending on your institution, but expect to take at least an Introduction to Archaeology class (which is exactly what it sounds like), and a Methods class (how to identify what kind of artifact is what, and how to record and research. You will probably have to scratch ceramics with dental tools, which I personally hated). 

Now, it may not count towards your major, but I would strongly recommend taking at least one history class that focuses on your period and area of interest. It’ll give you better in depth knowledge and context and help with your research skills. These classes may not necessarily be found in the history department, for example: I’ll be taking a Jewish Studies class on Eastern Europe sometime in the next year or so because I plan on studying the archaeology of pogroms.

Field School*: I’m putting this in a separate category because field school is a doozy. This is something that will be required to grad school and for your major. Field school is where you learn the technical skills of how to dig and excavate. I personally loved it, but some people hate it. 

It is okay to hate excavation, and if you do you have two choices 1) suck it up for the field season or 2) choose to work on analyzing collections that already exist. The good news is that there are zillions of pre-existing collections out there that someone has already kindly dug up for you, but the bad news is that there’s way more funding for excavation than there is for lab work (this is messed up but everyone loves to find things and no one loves to catalogue them).

Because you might not like fieldwork, please, please, please take my advice and try to do your field school early in your undergrad years. That way if you don’t like it there’s plenty of time to take other classes or change your major.

Now there are a lot of options for field schools, and many of them are abroad in Fun Exotic Places. Personally, I steered clear of those because 1) they are more expensive, 2) they’re higher stakes because they’re more expensive and you are dealing with potentially Very Special Precious Things, and 3) you will be tempted to sightsee and consume alcohol and neither of those things are great to do during field season. I took my field school at the state university right next to where I live and it cost me around $4,000 USD, as opposed to perhaps $8,000 USD to go to Rome.

*Be advised that field school is much more like the movie Holes than it is Indiana Jones. 

Grad School: The bad news is that if you want to work as an archaeologist you’re going to have to suck it up and go to grad school, and it might steal a little bit of your soul. The good news is that your soul will grow back. 

Going into grad school you should know one thing: most archaeologists are not employed at a university teaching or doing research. Most of us will have jobs out in the real world working for companies that do contract archaeology for construction companies, the state or federal government, or some sort of private organization like a tribe.

Okay, good. You have two choices with grad school 1) a PhD, or 2) a Masters. If you want to be a professor and do research and teach you’ll need to get a PhD. You do not necessarily need a PhD to work in the private sector. There are some pros and cons to both. A Masters is faster but you’ll need to pay more, but because it takes less time you’ll be out in the real world making money sooner. A PhD takes a couple of years longer, but generally the university will pay you, so it’s cheaper and it means that you might have more chances for higher up jobs in the future. You can also start a PhD program and decide to leave with just a Masters instead, but it’s complicated.

Jobs: Being an archaeologist doesn’t always mean you dig. You can do survey work (radar, magnetic resistance, LiDAR). You can do stuff with computers like GIS (I know nothing about GIS because I hate computers with a passion, so go ask someone else.) You can work in a museum curating artifacts (there are museum studies degrees), or work analyzing things people have already found like I mentioned above. You can look at specialized fields (pollen analysis, pottery analysis, osteoarchaeology, etc)

If you do want to dig, you have to decide where. If it’s an exotic location like high altitudes in Peru, chances are that you’re going to need a University to back you up on that, so you’ll need to be a professor. But there are also places that will pay you to dig. England has an archaeologist for pretty much every country, and they get called in when construction finds something old. American construction companies also have similar clauses in their contracts, and if they find something they hire a private firm to come and mitigate the damage of said construction. 

Some counties/states will also have archaeologists on hand. Please check out @archaeologistproblems and @anglo-saxintrash because they both know quite a lot about digging.

Some disclaimers: You need to love this work, because it’s hard. Digging is hard on your body, and I know a lot of older professionals who have back, shoulder, elbow, or wrist problems because of it. I also know several who have skin cancer, so for the love of all that is holy please wear sunscreen. During field season you will be in pain, end of story. If you’re in a situation where you can’t dig for part of the year you’ll spend time sitting at a desk analyzing and writing about what you found.

You won’t get rich. The private sector can pay more than the university gigs, but no one is making bank off of this. The other day I had to inform a 9 year old at public outreach that 1) I wasn’t going to find any gold and 2) even if I did, I don’t get to keep what I find. 

Sometimes you won’t find anything at all (as one of my professors would say “absence is presence!!!”) and that’s very disappointing. I know of a dig that went on for two field seasons (two years) and the found one. single. coin. It’s a huge bummer but you can’t find a crystal skull every day.

People will endlessly mistake you for a paleontologist and ask you about dinosaurs. At some point this will make you want to stab your eyes out with a spork. Either tell them what your favorite dinosaur is and move on, or get good at patiently explaining that you research dead humans, not dead lizards.

Lastly, don’t give up: I know that this is a long post and it looks daunting, but if this is what you love, there’s no substitute. I dream of dirt at night. I make ooh and ahh sounds at little fragments of ceramics and get giddy when someone mentions that there might be a privy somewhere. I want to know about what people in the past ate and used and threw away, and even though it’s a lot less lucrative than being a therapist I wouldn’t chose anything else.

Keep your trowel sharp and your heart hopeful,

-Reid

#archaeology #archeology #grad school #academia #field work #archaeology advice #history #he speaks #screamingaboutgirlsandboys

[optimisticdinosaurcloud]

Diversity and literature

Part of writing a dissertation also means that I need to buck up and face the inevitable fact that I will, sooner or later--hopefully sooner--be graduating with a PhD. School will not exist as a buffer anymore; I’ll have to find a real job. 

Yikes. 

What this means is that, between bouts of dissertating, I’m also composing documents that I would use to apply in an academic job market. (The futility of applying for such jobs is a discussion for another post.) One of the key documents is a “Diversity statement.” 

Not all academic job postings ask for a diversity statement, but it is common enough on the market at this point that it’s useful to have a statement prepared. In the barest possible terms, a diversity statement is exactly what it seems: a statement in which you lay out how you incorporate diversity into your teaching and / or writing / academic work. For me personally, this is mostly embodied in my teaching, and is conducted, pedagogically, from an intersectional feminist perspective that takes into account race, class, gender, sexuality, and ability. I was privileged to have multiple professors during my undergraduate education who introduced me to such concepts and provided a platform from which I was able, once I reached my Master’s program, to begin a more thorough exploration of such concepts on my own. This was a decidedly good thing as well because I grew up smack dab in middle class white suburbia, and really needed the exposure to different perspectives. 

So what does this mean for my teaching? Well, as I’ve worked to create courses and syllabi, I always try to keep that intersectional feminism in mind. I think: I need to choose texts that are canon, but I also need non-canon ones. I need texts about bipoc folks, and texts that will allow us to talk about class, and queerness, and ability. I also strive to construct the space of the classroom as a space in which students can explore their own identities, learn about those of others, and come to their own conclusions about why diversity is so crucially important in all aspects of our lives. 

This is not always easy, nor is it always pleasant. Certain moments stick in my mind: the time I used a book called Women in Politics as an example of how to cite a book, and a male student snorted and said, “Yeah I bet that’s real interesting”; the time I showed the Nicki Minaj music video for “Anaconda” and a non-black female referred to Nicki as simply “trashy”; a time when, in a discussion about chattel slavery in the US, a white student declared, “But what about white slaves?!”; the time one class had a “real talk” discussion and nearly every female student in the classroom spoke up and shared moments of sexualized violence against themselves, and I saw the shocked and horrified look on so many of the men’s faces because they hadn’t realized what an epidemic violence against women really is; the time I decided “to hell with it all” and, in a discussion about a potentially homoerotic convent of women (the play “The Female Convent” by Margaret Cavendish), I defined myself in relation to queerness openly in the classroom for the very first time. (Side note: ended up being less terrifying than I thought it would.) None of these moments were easy or even necessarily enjoyable, but they did open up important avenues for us to talk and learn, and that is what we all needed. 

And that opening of talking and learning can produce good--great--results. I recall the time that, in an end of the semester reflection assignment, this big burly white man who quite literally lived in the mountains wrote about how now that we had studied racism in advertising, he was beginning to realize such racism was prevalent everywhere. I recall the time a Latina female student spoke openly, before the entire class, about her own violently misogynistic encounter with a white male police officer. I recall how a male student became so interested in the topic of women in science (based off some readings we had done in a “Women in Science Fiction” course) that he used some of those ideas when he taught at a summer camp for elementary school kids. I recall when a student took another (a third!) class with me and declared that she, a young and highly privileged white woman, had learned so much from Assata Shakur’s autobiography that it was now one of her favorite books. I recall students coming to me and discussing their own trauma and experiences privately because they felt safe speaking with me. I remember a student who was struggling with depression writing in his evaluations that my class was the only thing he had looked forward to all semester, and how it kept him going. And when I recall these moments, I remember the power of diversity in the classroom amongst texts, students, and ideas, and strive for even more. 

Diversity should not, and cannot, be ignored in the literature classroom. Can any one text or class cover all areas of diversity at once? No, and it’s wrong to expect that they could. But when they do, we--instructors and students--need to talk about it, learn from the text, and learn from each other.

Anyway, that’s what my diversity statement is about.

#phd #gradschool #gradstudent #gradposting #diversity #literature

[larkfox]

( SAOIRSE RONAN, FEMALE, SHE/HER ) ⌇ have you seen LARKSPUR FOX around icaria? they are the TWENTY-SEVEN year old child of ZELUS. they remind me of HOMEMADE PROTEST SIGNS, SING-SCREAMING ALONG TO THE RADIO, and A HEAVY STACK OF HISTORY BOOKS. They’ve been on the island for 4 years. 

Lark comes in two volumes: Loud and VERY LOUD. An intellectually brilliant radical anarchist, she is prone to protesting against Icaria’s government and for a different cause every week. Although she’s certainly spread awareness for some significant issue, not every cause Lark champions is noteworthy… or even logical. Whoever is within her radar will inevitably hear an earful. She’s also a gigantic nerd- particularly history- so she knows a lot of stuff but lacks in common sense.

She has a very weird, codependent friendship with Steffi, whom is probably her best friend at this point because fate keeps shoving them in the same place. They are both very annoying for different reasons, and the two together can get chaotic. Important: Lark likes Steffi more than Steffi likes Lark, but Lark is more fond of people as a whole than Steffi.

You may be thinking: Lisa! Why do you have two bumbling, good-intentioned loud characters that can be irritating to others? Is Lark going to just be Chloe 2: Electric Boogaloo? Fair question. Lark and Chloe are self-aware in completely opposite ways. Chloe would never indulge in this kind of reckless behavior or be anything close to this argumentative. Anyway, I’ve basically written an essay about Lark below, so you can see for yourself.

Further information/bio:

Basics

A PhD candidate in History at Icaria’s University, she is keen on finishing her dissertation soon and trying to get a job at The Icaria Museum. If that doesn’t work, she supposes she will just have to see about becoming a professor or something. She’s so close to finishing, though, it’s palpable.

On the side, she does some copyediting and tutoring because living isn’t cheap. Sometimes she also does some music production, but that’s not a big thing.

Lark is a bit immature, and an absolute disaster at interpersonal relationships. She is heavily opinionated, and rarely keeps anything close to her chest. A gay mess, she didn’t have her first relationship until her early twenties. She has very mixed feelings about her demigod status (and her dad, whom she didn’t meet until he swung by to tell her about the disappearances and urge her to move).

Early Life

Her conception kicked off in a dramatic fashion. Diana Fox was a sixteen year  old teenager in Canada when she attended her first protests (various feminist ones, mostly). After one of them, she met up with a strange guy who just seemed to get it (also he seemed to like debating for fun). He (the god Zelus) was definitely too old for her, but she lied about her age, and ended up pregnant after a few trysts. Diana decided to keep the kid, but she most definitely wasn’t ready to be a mother. She named the child Larkspur because she thought it sounded cool, the flowers were pretty, and also she was kind of a punk who got a kick out of her kid being named after something poisonous. And that was about as much contribution as little Larkspur’s parents offered up in terms of upbringing for those early years. Gods weren’t about that sort of child-raising life, and Diana wanted to enjoy what remained of her adolescence.

Cecilia and Dale Fox stepped up, and raised their granddaughter. Larkspur adored her grandparents, even if they did not quite expect to have to raise a baby at their age. They were only in their late forties, but a grandchild to take care of had not exactly been in their plans while they were both still working. Cecilia’s job didn’t pay as well, so she took a few years off to be the primary caretaker for the little girl. When Lark was four, she was able to go to preschool, which helped everyone.

Larkspur frankly thought her name was embarrassing. What kind of mother named her kid after a poisonous plant? She was much happier to go by Lark in school, or even just Fox.

Even though her mother could have cared less about books and learning, Lark took to school rather well. She rarely had to study, and knocked out essays and reports without thinking too hard about it. Marks didn’t mean much to her, but she still skipped grade two. Even after that, she continued to excel in school.

A Turn for the Worse

When Lark was nine, Dale started to get sick, which inspired Diana to head back home. She moved back in, and tried to be more than a parent when it was convenient. Lark didn’t like that very much, so she clung to her grandmother, or shut herself up in her room for a while. The only time that Lark felt really close to her mom was when she took her along to protests.

Lark has absolutely been arrested for protesting before, but it’s never resulted in any real convictions. Her mom is the one who’s actually seen prison time. Lark actually thinks that’s very cool. Diana and Dale did not agree with the coolness level of any criminal activity, but did their best to point the kids (i.e. Diana and Lark) in the right direction.

Zelus

Lark thinks her dad sucks even if he’s supposedly one of the good guys. It doesn’t even matter that Zelus seemed to be the god of nothing good. She didn’t find out who her dad really was until Diana came back home and sat the family down. I will now present you with an excerpt of the conversation:

Diana: So I’m sure that you’re all wondering a few things.

Dale: Yes, I’m always wondering things, Annie.

Diana: About Larkspur’s dad!

Dale: Ohh. Yes, we’ve all been wondering about that.

Lark: I haven’t!

Diana: You haven’t?

Lark: Not really!

Cecilia: Grandpa and I have been wondering. Diana, where were you going with this?

Diana: Oh. Right. So it turns out he’s a god… Here, let me show you…

Lark: Is this a print-out from a Google search?

Cecilia: Her father is Zeus? Like the greek god Zeus?

Diana: No!! Zelus! There’s an entire extra letter in there. He’s like Zeus’ pal. Or at least that’s what I’ve read about on Google.

Lark: So he’s still a greek god. But like a discount greek god. Eh. Zeus is probably just as good of a dad as this one is.

Cecilia: Zelus. Like zealots. Oh. Oh no. Let’s just… Make sure nothing happens with that.

Dale passed away when Lark was twelve, which especially devastated his wife. Cecilia had gone back to work a while back, and she took the opportunity when it came up to transfer into a slightly better paying opportunity in the UK. It helped that she was born there, and still had aunts and cousins around. It was about time to move back. Diana wanted to stay in Calgary, but Lark wanted to go with her grandmother. Making her first mature decision in a long time, Diana conceded, and applied for jobs overseas.

Steffi

Lark had been poor at making friends in Canada, and this did not improve thousands of miles away. The person that she got on best with was Steffi, a recent transplant from Germany that did not seem to be fitting in well either. Since Steffi did not seem to have any friends either, Lark latched on immediately. The mean comments didn’t exactly phase her (especially because the older girl didn’t seem to outright hate the idea of being friends).

Her friendship with Steffi is… weird. Here are some helpful references: the entire main character group from Friends as two people. All of the characters from Derry Girls (including side characters) as two people. Rosie and Tanya from the MMCU (Mamma Mia Cinematic Universe). The Odd Couple. You get the picture.

Anyway, while they were very good friends, it still did not come up in conversation where they both settled on schools until acceptance time came. Heidelberg University’s History program was amazing, and Lark couldn’t turn down how reasonably priced German schools were. She casually-but-not-casually suggested that she and Steffi room together, and was pleasantly surprised to start the next year with a roommate that wanted to be friends.

After graduation, Lark and Steffi went to separate universities for graduate school, and conversation was not quite as frequent as Lark would have liked. She did start to make more like-minded friends in her Musicology masters program. The professors seemed not to hate her either; she was “a pleasure to have in class” but not the student with the highest grades. Oddly enough, she and Steffi just kept running into each other without planning on trips and the like.

Poorly thought through things that Lark has suggested to Steffi (list is not exhaustive):

Protesting for squirrel rights on their university campus at 2 AM (nobody else agreed to join her)

That they should have split custody of a shiny beetle that Lark found on the ground. She stopped trying to persuade her friend after the beetle started flying around the room

Marriage pact if they are both still single by age 42

Reenacting various historical scenes while sober

Road trip across Europe on a beercycle (with only two people)

It had never seemed like a good idea to mention her demigod status until Lark and Steffi bumped into each other… on Icaria. Overjoyed to have her friend back, Lark suggested rooming together again, but this was unfortunately shot down. She still spends quite a lot of time at Steffi’s apartment and vice-versa.

Powers

Power-wise, she has some control over the human voice, which she finds easiest to use for controlling the volume of her own voice. Lark can’t change the concepts of the sound, but she can alter the volume or “throw” the sound so it comes like it originates somewhere else. If Lark were actually interested in starting a cult or being a politician or something, she could use her superior control over the voice to make herself heard without distortion, and deafen the voices of those that opposed her. A loud enough voice could even cause real damage. Fortunately(?), Lark has little interest in all of that, and isn’t especially charismatic to begin with. She only really uses it to force people to listen to her when she’s trying to tell people something deemed important. Or to secretly help shy friends that don’t know how to project. Or to make annoying mansplainers stop talking over her. Or to make Steffi go shhh when she shows up in her apartment in the morning

#icaria: intro #//this is grotesquely long i'm sorry #lemme know if you want highlights

[dreamwhaleflying]

My biggest screwup because of ADD!

I discontinued my study in electrical and computer system engineering in Monash University, Clayton campuse under a scholarship by government-linked company. I buried my dream to become an engineer making it as my biggest regret in life. Because of that, I got severe depression and anxiety disorder which impacted even my physical. Due to the panic attack during an electronic lab, a general physician referred me to a health and well-being centre for psychologist appointment. I received several sessions until I left Melbourne for good.

However, at that time, I am not aware about ADD and the referral letter by the GP only stated possible problems of anxiety disorder. Afterwards, I did one session with a psychologist in training and it makes me very uncomfortable as there are evaluator sit in the corner observing us. I knew that the evaluator were there to assess my psychologist but I felt like I am being judged too. I was in for anxiety and they put one of the thing that can induce panic for people like me. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Really inappropriate. So, I didn’t come to the next session. I feel guilty for that psychologist and I should have written an email explaining it. Its not her, its the evaluator. That happened in my second year of college.

In my third year, my mental health became worse. After severe depression that make me skipping class and staying at home for 2 weeks, I decided to take some action. I barely ate and spent most of my time crying. The worst part it, I faked my smile and my story every evening while having dinner with my housemates so that they do not know about my depression episode. It’s something that they will never understand and I am tired listening to bad advices everytime like ‘you shoud cheer up’ or ‘don’t think too much about it’. Seriously, if I can do that, I wouldn’t have a depression, right?

So after two weeks of mental breakdown, I forced myself to go to the health and well-being centre and make new appointment with a psychologist. Thankfully this time, I had such a great psychologist! She helped me a lot and until today, I still heed some of her advice. The best part is that, finally there is someone listen to my stories, complains and rumbling talks without judging or disrupting me. I can finally speak out my mind! Indirectly, she taught me how to be a great listener.

However, during those sessions, we only talked about that and my depression. Mostly, I focused on my problematic situations with my ex-best friend as we were having bad crisis at that time. I barely talks about my study. Well, I got panic attack during academic session so I kinda try to avoid that topic. I told her that I had a severe depression episode and proceeds telling her why it happens. Those sessions allow me to think more clearly of my current predicament and make what I think the best decision at that time - discontinue my study.

Now, if I look back at my decision, with a new awareness of ADD, I might do it differently. You see, because of my inability to focus on things that I have no interest in, I had difficulty in studying since at that time, I certainly lost most of my interest of my subjects in ecse especially electronic. I can’t focus in my class and for certain subject no matter how much effort I put in, I just can’t understand it. I always skip classes of subjects that I don’t like. I procrastinated a lot! I also spent most of my time watching movie or drama or just doing anything that doesn’t involve deep thinking. I had trouble falling asleep and had difficulty in waking up every morning which made me missed all classes that start at 8. I daydream a lot too that make me pretty much untouched with reality sometimes, maybe most of the time. The problems seem endless! Last night, I read my blog around that year and in my writing, clearly I had problems of ADD. I just don’t know about it at that time. Ignorance is certainly not a bliss for me! If only I knew about it sooner and able to go for therapy, maybe I can still complete my degree, even if its in another course.

The panic attack actually happened when I look at a circuit board. Electrical engineer that afraid of a circuit board is like a doctor that afraid of blood. It doesn’t make sense. So, I need to change my course if I want to continue my study. There is another thing that I am unaware of at that time: my sponsor flexibility in changing courses as long as its within the same school, engineering. In my contract, its stated that the scholarship is for electrical engineering. However, I can change it with a permission from my sponsor. It is possible to do so and my sponsor always lenient with us.

But I am so scared to talk to them about changing courses and even talk about my mental health. I assumed that they will never allow me to change courses and extend my study. I was so wrong and I regrets it so much! One of my friend actually extended his study up to 7 years, instead of 4 years. There are also some of scholars that change their course during their study. Urgh! I blamed myself so much for this, for my inability to speak up. All my life, I rarely make any request even as simple as asking my mom to cook what I want to eat. Often times, it was my mom that pick a signal of my desire and try to fulfill it. For instance, when I paid more attention to certain clothes when we go for shopping, she will asked me if I want it and urged me to bought it (using her money). It feel guilty every time I make a request as I feel like I burdening them. And I am scared of rejection.

It’s no use to cry over a spilled milk. There is nothing I can do now. I redeemed some of my dignity (towards myself) by getting a master degree. My path now seems better than before and I think I am better as a researcher than as an engineer. I accept that reality but that regret still haunts me sometimes, taunting me to fall into depression again. But I have a bigger problem now!

I CANNOT FOCUS ON MY PHD THESIS! MY PASSION ON MY TOPIC STARTS TO DRY OUT!

I am scared that past tragedy repeated itself again. 😭

#ADD #ADHD #mental health