Quick check-in bc why tf not
Currently Hungary is slowly introducing quarantine again. There’s already a curfew between 8pm and 5am and high schools and universities have switched to online teaching. So I moved back home because there’s really no point in renting an apartment just to listen to lectures from there lol
I finally got to dust off my bike! It’s november! And it’s cold as fuck here but I said yolo and rode down the hill as fast as I physically can and I didn’t break any bone in my body but my throat does hurt a bit now. Not from covid, but from the wind.
I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist regarding my anxiety. It was nice. I guess.
And maybe I really am a dumbass but it just occurred to me that I never really felt like a girl. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to play with the boys, I wanted to take my shirt off when I get too hot (and I did, when I didn’t have tits yet), I wanted short hair. And when I got older, somehow it just felt… wrong. I felt wrong.
Then some shit happened that I’m not really keen on talking about but it completely took my mind off things like my body going through changes. I kind of just accepted that this is me now and I can’t change it, and I better adapt. But I always HATED it. I just didn’t care, I didn’t have room for this feeling too.
And now, after trying to be even more feminine, wearing a skirt, trying with makeup and shit, it still feels wrong. I feel like I’m forcing something that will never ever work, and even though I like how pretty makeup looks, I know it won’t ever look right on me. It will be unnatural.
And don’t get me started on those two bumps on my chest WHY are they there??
But maybe it’s just me being a butch lesbian. A boyish girl. Idfk. I’ve never been more confused in my life - figuring out I like girls was a “duh” moment compared to this shit.
I’m confused and it’s scary. I don’t need this. But it’s here. On my chest.
And it will always be here.
But at least I figured out the topic for my essay so I got that going for me. Wooo.