I should move next door to one of my favourite restaurants. Delicious food, super close by.
SHINee World please remember this precious moment forever : TAEMIN SIRIUS CONCERT IN JAPAN (how taemin thanked shawols)
In the time of being with myself and letting my heart guide me, I felt an explosion of gratitude and bliss as I attracted this connection into our reality. All that I ever asked for entered my life so beautifully, so pure, so smooth and so scary. The impact you have done in my life in such a short period of time, my love, my heart, my soul. All the blessings you brought with you, I wish you could see yourself just for a second with my eyes, touch you just for a second with my hands, and love you just one second with my heart.
My love, as beautiful all of the above just can be as scary everything is, in my life I move fast. I have done everything fast. No time left, time moves fast, every time all the time. So you are here now not moving at the same speed of time as I do. So I analyze our love, I analyze you, analyze every breath you take, every movement to understand; I need to have patience. Time is precious and nothing great happens fast, good things take time. As someone who moves so fast through time, I accept, I accept the time of being patient as it is the time of not getting everything through in the speed, I used to get it done. Exactly at this point in time, I want to tell you that this connection is scaring me, because good things in my life left quick but this time, maybe, I wish, to keep you a little longer in my timeline. So I slow down this time for you. Because all that I have experienced made me feel that I never would try again, but this time I met you and I feel something I never felt.
To bring the feeling to the surface which is so insecure about all this, insecure, because of the past, the rejection and feeling of being so unwanted. All the hopes and dreams which been set on fire by those who had no idea to love or to allow love into their lives. Insecurities are what builds a wall within us, so we believe we are strong now as the last ones tore us down, and just we know the strength it took to build everything back together. So we are ready to leave any moment the table as we lost the trust in love but build more trust for ourselves. Little as we know, or want to acknowledge that this time, the menu offers respect, love, loyalty, and honesty the 100 percent we desired from so many but never received. Understand, I am here with the purest intentions, you might don’t feel it yet but time will show as fast or slow the time might moves. I’m so sorry for everything you been through, for all the pain you experienced by those who never took their time to understand your heart, your mind, your soul, your blissful being. Never loved you the way you deserved to be loved or might they loved you only as much they loved themselves. But I’m not here to judge, I am here to show you the other side of love, the deepest love, the sacrificial love, the love which is worth fighting for. I’m offering you my hand and ask you to walk with me as long we are supposed to walk together, even the situation our world is facing is stopping everything even the time but might we can stay through it together, hand in hand.
Such a short period of time isn’t it? But does time exist in the reality of love? As my heart opened to you and the idea of love, I used to have erased within seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks as you inspire me, you fascinate me, you excite me. I wish, that this excitement never fades. Everything is so beautifully balanced isn’t it? We might don’t know where the journey ends, but we are so aware where everything started. Regardless, I just ask you to always remember that you are appreciated and loved, might one day the sun is not rising over your heaven but then you should remember that there is me, willing to share my light with you and while doing that I will remind you that even gold is worthless compared to you.
Elementric - Love
There I go with the question rarely someone would like to ask about because we all talk about our depressions and suicide too much, but what is about the true death wish behind everything else. I wonder a lot while lying in bed and turn around in pain but it is not physical pain it is mental pain.
I worked a long time on myself and even harder on everything else around me in order to create the perfect life the perfect mindset and even better uplifting energy. What I understood was not very clear, so in order to create abundance and happiness, I need to accept my uniqueness and my being in the fullest forms. So, I did it and it turned out pretty great. I run through life as a healer, as a lightworker. I want to heal others with the power I healed myself, I want to see art and love everywhere I go. I refuse negativity as an answer and I refuse even more the people who have a dark spirit. You know those people who are not aligned with themselves and spread their toxic energy the same as a king cobra, but hey! those people aren’t king cobras those people are trash cobras. Shame on those around them, shame on them, shame on everything within them. So sad, so sad those who refuse to heal, so sad those who suffer the pain they want to suffer and there I come to the point, they WANT to suffer.
I met many people in my life and most of the time, I met those who are fully healed but here and there some work needs to be done but no shame on that! Because in the end, I doubt that we all can heal 100%, we can heal but the empty spot within us might stay empty, and there comes acceptance. I can accept what I can’t change but can I change the empty spot inside me? I wonder, I doubt. First, I can’t see inside anybody hence nobody can’t see inside me.
So back to the point of the people who want to suffer, so there is a time in our lives where we meet the evil voice in our head, some of us welcome those voice like an old friend and some let this voice nest itself in the mind and let it take over. But they befriend that voice in order to get what they really would like to achieve and that is attention. People love attention especially if there is attention from a negative place or from an exaggerated place, they love it and the reason why they love it, it makes them feel wanted and loved. Simple as it is that’s super toxic. But they can’t help it anymore because all that they desire is the toxic love, the toxic attention-seeking of a place where love has not won. I wonder, pretty much about that, as I met the voice in my head and it comes through once in a while, a few times a year, with a big smile ready to fuck me up. I learned to welcome this voice with love and from a place of compassion. Why tho? Because now there is the point to understand, this voice, the dark voice is the voice of unhealed trauma, unconscious trauma, the trauma we never wanted to deal with so it came. The voice is the reminder of; You better be off dead. And a death wish rises up like nothing else, the thoughts - ok I have experienced so far everything in my life, its ok to be dead now.
That sounds not right. I wonder.
There I come out to an observation I did this time;
When the voice inside me sneaks back up, or comes up and visits. I instantly start feeling very anxious and try to fight it, I do everything possible to keep my spirit up and keep the mindset as long as possible positive. There is nothing much to do because I realized, I can’t fight it for too long. Then I allow it to happen, I feel miserable, I feel sad, I feel completely out of place. I just want to sleep, cry, and be dead. Dead wish with 24?
I literally wait for it off, I do what I can do to keep my friendships or in case relationship running, even I suffer inside me I allow everybody to know that I’m fine but right now I stand next to me. Surprisingly everybody tries to care but no one is there to understand. No offense against my friends, boyfriend, and family. I guess everybody should learn that, to stop blaming others close to you about your situation, no one can take the pain away but everybody can try at least to understand, and if they not understand, then it’s time to kick them out of your life. (In case of family, then accept and move on, we can change our friends but we can’t change our family)
So this time something happened, I had an open conversation with my mother and sister. I just said out loud while looking like a living dead who walks through the living room “ I want to die so bad”. Of course my Mom went ape shit on me and my sister couldn’t close her mouth.
Both went on but I could feel that they worried as fuck now about me even tho they would not admit straight up. But we had a talk and the talk went on like the following:
“We see that you don’t have any goals and we can feel that you don’t know what you want out of life. You pretend very self-confidently, but we can see that in the end there is still the child within you who suffers to find its place. In order to find a place of peace and a peace of mind and move on from these thoughts, you need to let go of the idea to try to be someone who you aren’t”
That hit different because I just realized they been right.
Good, now we are coming to the lesson and the advice of the entire experience:
Mostly we are feeling depressed because we are tired of the person we pretend to be, we want to bloom like a rose garden but in the end, we are too busy pleasing everyone around us, in that time we are draining ourselves down and creating the way and opening the door for the voice to come back. So the best point is to let go of all fear inside and start to say nowhere we have to say no and start to accept what we can change. We can’t force anything out of anybody but we can force ourselves to understand that we have to be ourselves, our true being in order to kick the voice out and make it understand it is a breakup. This voice is nothing bad this voice is in the end just a reminder for ourselves to go back to normality and subconsciously we are so scared of death because our soul is so aware that we have not lived yet everything through we supposed to live through. Hence, this voice is a trigger for us to wake up as soon as possible and there is the point. Let the voice happen, let it be there and make sure you gonna start standing up. But stand up with the intension that you allow to be yourself and just yourself.
This is exactly what I gonna do this time, this time I will stand up with the acceptance of myself and once the sun rises in my heaven, I will just be myself and only myself.
Let’s create a change and start with ourselves.
“Once the sun rises over my heaven, I will just be myself and only myself”
I love myself enough to refuse.
Thereafter if there is anything you are going through or feeling hard about it, hit me up and talk to me. (:
Elementric - Mind
Acrylic test #2
Just a little box of plants
Hello, did you miss me? I’m crying for your attention and seeking your soul like nothing else. The whispers of my demons inside me. Laughing at me so loud that I feel ashamed to look in the mirror. Is death the solution we desire the most, I wonder? Is it love that drags us down so much? I doubt, I feel like my soul is on fire and there is no way out of the misery of life. The moments when I should feel so alive, I feel so down. I feel that no one understands me, but why should someone understand me, when even I can’t understand me. As strong as I try to be and as much as I fight against those voices in my head. Do I give up to fight? Do I allow them to make me feel the way I feel? I wonder?
I move forward on my life path, feeling that there is no one who can understand me, no one who can love me. So I started to love myself enough if ever someone could be able to love me the same way. It would be a lie saying that I hate me, if I would hate me so much, I would have left me a long time ago when I had the chance. So I confess, I love myself deep enough to move forward with myself. But what really hurts in this situation that no one really understands me, no one really takes their time to understands me. And that’s not selfish, that’s a place of wanting to feel loved but I don’t receive it back the way I want to be loved.
Life is so full of surprises always, but never expect anybody to love you the way you would like to be loved and don’t get caught up in the lie that you and only you can fulfill yourself, as there is always a part inside you which will be empty and wanted to be filled by someone else. That’s why I wonder. That’s the reason why I wonder, why is there still nobody there to fulfill that place and why is it so hard for everybody. I wonder again. But when I come to the conclusion that in the end, people can meet you only as much as they meet themselves and trust me it is shocking to realize how deep you have met yourself already in order to realize that this place can be filled with simple tasks. Those who are making you feel lonely, are those who are caring for an important message in your reality. It is always good to look out for it and keep the eyes wide open. I would lie if I would say, don’t fall in love because of fall for it. Hit yourself on the floor which is called reality. Once you hit the floor and realize that absolutely nobody can fill your space as nobody is there where you are. Toxic, toxic, darling why are you so toxic? I move forward in my life, we all do move forward in our life until we are meeting dead. And then our souls move out into the so-called unknown in order to reincarnate but this time it might be different and you gonna fulfill yourself again with the empty space inside you filled by what you desire the most.
In this Life, I have hardly realized that I am fulfilled with everything desired except the most what I desire and to be honest this is the pain I carry within me further in my life, mostly until the rest of my days. Because I just understand that no one will have the power to meet me where I am because I have met me already, you can’t expect anything anymore from anybody nowadays. Sacrifice was a thing back then but today no one is ready to sacrifice, and if you ready to do so, then welcome in the - Sad Lovers Club - a place of broken hearts, healed from a all the pain ready to love again. But the chances and possibilities and the upcoming pain are endless.
I have refused my Twin Flame connection and there I was the first time in life really fulfilled a would I ever return back. No. I’m very happy that I had the moment of fulfillment but I would never want this person to come just one step closer to me in my life. I don’t believe anymore in the empty spot inside me, I believe this empty spot inside me is long gone. It is no more empty, it became pain which sneaks around every now and then by the demons within me. But to say, I would never want anything else there, the pain makes me feel so alive. The only moment, I truly feel alive is the pain the demons bring out in me and I can realize that I’m part of the hurtful system which is called life and reality. I would not want to escape it anymore neither I would like to leave it yet. If I would be ready, I would feel it even tho I would need to help with it.
One day, I will wake up and the pain is numb and realize there is no more pain inside me just to wake up and understand that it is my time to leave into the unknown.
Elementric - Love