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tartarusknight · 1 year

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5 times Steve had to prove he was worth love + 1 time someone just loved him without needing him to.

_1_

I've been falling much more deep Than I wanna I've been wishing I could breathe Underwater I hold my breath I can't see what comes next I don't know when I'll see dry land again

__Nancy and Jonathan__

His relationship with Nancy had been blooming. It had made him feel giddy whenever he thought about it. He had been striving to prove himself to her. That he loved her. That he wasn’t just some stupid guy working his way through the girls in Hawkins High.

But all of it was over now.

Steve had seen Nancy with Jonathan’s arm around her. He had seen a moment that he wasn’t meant to see and felt the ground crumble underneath him. Any thoughts about the kind Nancy Wheeler, the one who looked at him with adorably innocent eyes, were gone. He had stumbled down and did what he did best. Put on a fake emotion to hide what he was feeling.

The crushing hurt, the heartbreak. It all was masked under annoyance that turned into anger as Tommy and Carol stood by him. Those feelings had stuck with him until he was on the ground, Jonathan straddling him. The anger died then. Too much guilt mixed with the hurt until he was telling Tommy and Carol to fuck off in a desperate attempt to prove that he wasn’t the type of person who’d do what he just did.

He had gone home and had begged for someone, anyone, to show him how to be good. Steve had known that Tommy and Carol weren’t good, that they weren’t kind. But was he? No, no he was an asshole and he knew it. That’s why he hadn’t let himself simmer in the quiet house. It’s why he had turned on his car and driven to the Byer’s house.

He had seen the Christmas lights through the window before he knocked. “Jonathan? Are you there, man? It’s Steve! Listen I just want to talk!” He shouted through the closed door. He paused before knocking once more. Except it wasn’t Jonathan but Nancy who opened the door. “Hey, uh, Nancy?” He felt his heart drop. He had gone to Jonathan’s first because it would be simpler. Apologizing to Nancy would be harder and he wasn’t ready to see her disappointment.

“Steve, listen to me, you need to leave.” She ordered, her voice not leaving any room for arguments but Steve needed to fight this.

He put his hand up, “no, no, I’m not here to start anything, okay?”

She rolled her eyes, “I don’t care about that.” And she looked completely annoyed. It made Steve want to crawl into a hole and die if he was honest. “You need to leave, right now.”

“No, no, no, I- I- I messed up, okay? I messed up.” He said, unsure of what to say to her. Of how to start the conversation. “Really, please, I just want to make things right.” His voice quieted and her eyes softened, leaving only worry behind.

But that made him worry. Because why was she worried? Then he saw her hand and everything became worse. “Wh- Hey, what happened to your hand?” His voice went so soft that it surprised him. He reached out to touch her but she pulled away. “Is that blood?”

“Nothing, it was an accident.” She stammered and he could see the lie in her face.

And it didn’t matter if she didn’t like him how he liked her. He could still be there for her. “What’s going on?” He asked, desperately hoping she’d let him in.

But her face went stony, “nothing.”

As she glanced back into the house his worries grew. He remembered hearing about how Lonnie Byers was a violent man. How he never treated those he loved well but how Lonnie was still seen as a good person. Steve had never understood and now, standing here he wondered if Jonathan was the same way. Steve already knew he packed a mean punch. “Wait a sec. Did he do this to you?”

Her eyes grew wide and worried, “no.” It was sharper this time and Steve thought understood what she was worried about.

“Nancy, let me in!” He pushed his way through and froze at the sight of everything around him. “What is… what the f-” he murmured as he noticed Christmas lights around everything. A baseball bat with nails hammered into it.

Jonathan moved fast and shoved at him. “You need to get out of here.” Jonathan’s voice was dark and he pushed Steve towards the door. But it only made Steve’s eyes catch on the matching bandage. “Listen to me. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you, get out of here!”

“What is this? What is that smell?” He was starting to panic and as he glanced around. “Is that- is that gasoline?”

As he struggles against Jonathan he glances at Nancy. “Steve,” she snaps and he hears the cock of a gun as she points a pistol at him. “Get out!”

Jonathan backs off of him to get out of the line of fire and Steve’s unsure of everything now. “What? What is going on!”

Nancy doesn’t look completely confident but that isn’t comforting. “You have five seconds to get out of here.” She snaps and he waves his hands frantically around himself.

“Okay, is this a joke? Stop. Put the gun down.” He tries and the lights flair to life around them.

“I’m doing this for you,” she says and actually looks guilty about it all. Like she wasn’t aiming a gun at him.

Jonathan’s trying to get her attention as he tries to get a sense of what was happening. Nancy counting down like she’s ready to shoot him if he doesn’t leave. “Nancy! The lights!” Jonathan shouts and it’s the first time Steve’s heard him yell. “It’s here,” Jonathan stumbles to the nail bat.

“Wait, what’s here?” He questions but they don’t pay him any attention. They are watching the walls like something was going to jump out at them. “Hello? Will someone please explain to me what the hell is going-”

He’s cut off by the ceiling caving in. Not just caving in. But it’s like something was breaking through. A white creature that Nancy aims and shoots at quickly. It steals Steve’s breath away and he’s sure he’s about to die. He vaguely watches Jonathan pull Nancy back just as the creature hits the ground, snarling at them. “Get out of here!” Jonathan grabs his hand and pulls him along. “Jump!” Jonathan warns and Steve barely sees the bear trap in time. He just runs after the other two listening to the creature roar behind him.

But the silence was worse. It made his panic bubble and explode because there was a monster that broke through the ceiling. Except now the ceiling was fixed and he’s wondering if accidentally smoked some back weed. And as Nancy snaps at him to just leave, he listens. He stumbles out to the car and drops his keys in his panic.

Then his door is open and he’s looking back at the house. God, he just wanted to apologize. He didn’t need this shit. But then the lights are flickering. He thinks of Nancy’s worry and how they were determined to fight this thing. “Jonathan!” Maybe he’s an asshole but he can’t let them face it alone. He runs back in at the sound of gunfire and snarling. Seeing Jonathan on the ground, the nail bat just a few feet from him. Nancy back away from the creature that was moving towards her.

He doesn’t know if Jonathan’s hurt but right now, Nancy’s okay and he’ll keep it that way. Steve picks up the bat and jumps between Nancy and the creature as Nancy’s gun clicks again and again. He smacks it hard and moves to keep it away from the other two. He knew they needed it in the bear trap. So, he was determined to force it into the bear trap. Swing, move, dodge. The thing's long arms almost hit him as he has to get in close to hit the damn thing.

It feels like a life time until he hears the clang of the metal and watches it falter from the bite of the bear trap. “He’s in the trap! He’s stuck!” He shouts.

Nancy moved next to him, “Jonathan now!” She yells and Steve’s relieved to see Jonathan up and moving. He tosses his lighter onto the gasoline he had smelled and the creature went up in flames. But as Jonathan puts out the fire and the smoke clears, the creature is gone.

Steve swears under his breath but then the lights are back on. He stays in front of them and but the lights stay gentle. Just a glow instead of the intense flashing and as Jonathan whispers, “mom?” Steve lets him in front. He has no clue what’s happening but Jonathan looks relaxed.

They stand there for a moment before Steve feels a hand grip his arm. He glances down at Nancy and she gives him a watery smile. She mouths ‘thank you’ and he just nods. He lets them head inside and for a moment he thinks about leaving again, but he pushes that aside. He just leans against the wall out there, letting it wash over him.

And later as they get the call about Will, he offers to drive. Jonathan packs a few things for Will before they both get into his back seat. He drives faster than normal but it’s not the biggest worry in his mind. As they get there and they stumble out, they pause. “You saved my life,” Jonathan says softly and Steve’s unsure what to say.

He swallows, “yeah, well, I figured I owed you one… and well that was a better apology than anything I could’ve said.” They looked shocked for a moment before he smiles, “go see your brother, man. You deserve it,” he grins and Jonathan nods, jogging towards the hospital.

“You’re a better man than I thought you were, Steve Harrington.” Nancy smiles and Steve blinks. “Keep going like this and I might just think you’re a good one.” She murmurs and he thinks maybe he can prove that he is good. She nods to the building and he’s about to say no when Nancy grabs his hand. “Keep proving it to me?”

Steve shuts the door to his car and locks it. “Yeah, I can do that.”

_2_

Another 40 days I'm lost at sea I'm just gonna swim until you love me Hoping that your heart will rescue me I'm just gonna swim until you love me Swim until you love me Swim, swim, swim, swim until you love me Swim, swim, swim.

__Dustin and Lucas__

Steve knows he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But at the same time, he was in the right place at the right time. Because as he sits in the junkyard school bus with Dustin, Lucas, and Max, he knows they’re better off because he’s here. Sure, they’re not completely safe. Sure, there are better people they could’ve gotten. And sure, he probably lost his chance with Nancy. But right now, he’s protecting these little shits with all his heart.

A painfully familiar sound cuts through the air and he’s up on his feet before he can really think about it. Looking out into the fog and feels dread in his bones. “10 o’clock! 10 o’clock!” Lucas’s voice goes up in pitch and Steve knows the kid is scared. Hell, Steve’s terrified. But he looks out and points out the monster to Dustin. For a moment he’s just glad it’s not 7 feet tall this time.

But then that little bit of relief dies because “he’s not taking the bait. Why isn’t he taking the bait?” He questions and there’s a sinking feeling in his chest.

Dustin glances at him and he looks confused too. “Maybe he’s not hungry.” He says softly and something clicks in his mind. And he knows that him just being here won’t be enough, but he has to try.

“Maybe he’s sick of cow.” He backs up from the window and it takes a second to completely hit him. But he knows what he has to do. He steels himself and heads to the door.

“Steve?” Dustin moves like he’s going to follow him but then he stops like he can’t move any further. Steve thought back to school when they taught flight or fight. The response to fear… no one ever talked about freezing up. But it happened to everyone. “Steve, what are you doing?” There’s worry in his tone but Steve knows he has to protect these goddamn kids. “Steve?”

He looks back to Dustin and pulls out his lighter, “Just get ready.” He says and tosses the lighter before he heads out the door.

He hears the door shut behind him and he feels something settle in his chest. He was helping. He was proving to these kids that he could help them. So, he whistles and calls out for the dog-looking creature as he gets up to the pile of meat. “Human taste better than cat, I promise.” He says before the fog clears just enough that can see the thing.

“Steve! Watch out!” Lucas shrieks like Steve wasn’t already completely focused on the target.

He huffs and swings the bat a little, “a little busy here.” He calls back.

But then Lucas says something that makes his entire body flood with fear. “3 o’clock! 3 o’clock!” The thing in front of him hasn’t moved. So, as he glances over and sees 2 more, his panic builds.

Dustin’s calling his name and Steve hopes he won’t get murdered in front of a bunch of middle schoolers. “Abort, abort!” Dustin yells but then the thing is growling at him.

He turns his focus back on the creatures and all at once they rush toward him. He dodges the first, rolls over the hood of a car to dodge the second, and hits the third with his bat. He takes the moment to turn and run. Everything in his body screamed at him to move faster, to be faster. They snarl behind him and all the kids are at the door waiting for him as he jumps in. Slamming it shut and holding it there with his legs. Thankful that he doesn’t skip leg day.

He puts a piece of metal in front of the door as the kids devolve into panicked chatter. It makes him think of his own freaked-out yells back at the Byers’. The whole bus rocks as they slam into it and Steve looks at these three kids. But then one is clawing through. He takes his bat to it repeatedly as the kids back up. Except then things are surrounding the bus and Steve’s not sure he has this under control.

He hears one get onto the roof followed by Max’s screams. He shoves Max out of the way as quickly as he can. Putting himself between him and the damn thing. Once again putting himself between someone and a monster. It roars and the flower petal mouth brings up all the worst memories. But then as the bus rocks one last time the things run off. He’s shaking as it gets so quiet so quickly. Then kids all stand up and look around the best they can through the slots of metal. “What happened?” Lucas asked.

“I don’t know,” Max mutters and she sounds shaken.

“Steve scared ‘em off?” Dustin offered.

Steve shook his head, “no. No way. They’re going somewhere.” He looks back at them, and they all look scared.

They all stand there for a minute and Steve lets the bat hit the ground. However, he’s surprised by Dustin barreling into him. He’s unprepared for the hug and he stands there shocked for a long moment before Dustin pulls back. “You were going to die for us.”

Steve raises an eyebrow to hide the emotions inside, “I mean I was gonna try to live.” He drawls and Dustin smiles up at him.

“The Steve Harrington was willing to die for me.” Dustin is grinning now and Steve rolls his eyes. Steve reaches out and ruffles his hair the best he could with the hat on his head. “Guess your not just a douchebag... suppose I should keep you around.”

Steve snorts, “well I am your ride. Come on, let's get moving.” He calls out and watches Lucas and Max snap out of whatever moment they were having.

_3_

I've been drowning in these sheets Feeling lonely Wishing you were here with me Every morning Over my head The tide comes rolling in I don't know when I'll see dry land again.

__Hopper, Joyce, Mike, and Max__

Steve leans against the wall on the floor of the Byers’ house. His vision is wobbly but he keeps his eyes on the unconscious form of Billy Hargrove. The kids are all around him and he’s got Dustin under one of his arms. Mike is sitting mostly by himself, eyes trained on the door. Max is on Steve’s other side, not touching but not too far away and Lucas was on her other side. All of them were exhausted but unwilling to fall asleep before they learned if they were successful today. If they won or lost.

“I’m sorry,” Max breaks the silence and Steve drags his eyes away from Billy. He looks at her but she isn’t looking at him. Her eyes on trained on her lap and he wonders if she’s talking to him or someone else. “If I hadn’t been here you wouldn’t have- Billy wouldn’t have-” she starts and Steve knows the other kids are staring.

He just reaches out and pulls her so she’s tucked under his other arm. “It’s fine. I’ve been wanting to punch him since I met him.” He grins down at her and she has a slight smile on her face.

He’s starting to struggle to stay awake but he has all the kids next to him. Well, not all. “Mike,” he says and the boy glances over. “Get over here,” he huffs and Mike blinks like he’s surprised. “Come on, over here.” He jerks his head to Dustin but it makes everything a blur. He has to freeze, his entire body tensing up. But once he’s back into his body, Mike’s on Dustin’s other side. All of them together. Steve’s hands are on Lucas and Mike’s shoulders while Dustin and Max curl up into his torso. Steve notices one by one the kids falling asleep and he’s glad. They needed it. He would love to sleep but he forces himself to keep an eye on Billy and the door.

They stay that way until the door opens and Joyce comes in. She’s holding the door as Jonathan and Nancy support Will. None of the kids move a muscle and Joyce goes quiet when she spots them. He gives her a tired smile but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t know if he could with Max and Dustin holding onto him. They disappear down the hall but Nancy reappears. She pauses and looks at him. He smiles back, “done?” He mouths and she nods.

She jerks her thumb at the knocked-out Billy and Steve just mouths, “Drugs.”

Nancy’s mouth twitches like she’s stopping a smile from forming on her face. “You alright?” She mouths to him and he gives her a weak smile in return. Eventually, she disappears again and Steve tries to rest his head against the wall but it makes his head burn. So, he just keeps his eyes trained on the chaos. Soon enough, Nancy and Jonathan reappear and they struggle to pull Billy out of the house. Steve would help but he knew he wouldn’t be much help.

When she gets back, Jonathan gives her hand a squeeze before he’s heading back toward where his brother and mom are. Then Nancy’s moving over to Steve and the kids. She moves and sits down next to Mike. Her arm wraps around Mike and the kid doesn’t wake, just leans into her. They stay in silence and Steve feels himself nodding off.

He’s not sure if he actually falls asleep but he jerks into awareness when Hopper gets back with El. El’s in his arms and Steve’s instantly worried. However, as she’s lowered onto the couch, Hopper notices him. “She’s just tired,” he says softly and Steve relaxes slightly. But he isn’t the only one who woke up to Hopper’s return. The kids all seem to awake and then they're talking. Nancy tells them Will’s okay as Hopper does the same for El.

It’s loud and Steve can’t seem to move from his spot on the ground. He hears Nancy talk about what happened and the kids tell the others what happened on their side. But then it goes quiet. He barely even noticed until he feels a hand on his shoulder. “Hmm?” He questions and blinks to see Hopper looking him over. “Lookin’ at m’pretty face?” His words feel slurred and he knows that’s not the best, but he’s too tired to worry.

“Did anyone look you over?” Hopper questions and Steve snorts. It makes his nose burn and he lets his eyes close.

“Kids bandaged me up,” he jokes. Referring to the colorful bandages they slapped on him before they went into the tunnels.

“Steve let’s get you up,” Hopper orders and Steve groans.

Hopper’s hands try to help him but each move makes his brain swirl like a soup bowl. “No, m‘fine here. M’dizzy,” He groans but then Nancy’s also helping him to his feet. As soon as he’s on his feet his stomach rebels and he gags. Suddenly he’s moving fast with the other two helping out the door. He heaves the small amount of shit he’s eaten that day onto the lawn.

“I’m gonna drive him to the hospital,” Hopper states, and Steve whines. “No, it’s not an option kid. Keep an eye on the kids.”

“Is he going to be, okay?” Max questions.

“He was fine earlier,” Dustin says nervously.

Steve lets himself be manhandled toward the truck. “Adrenaline probably’s worn off. I’m sure he’s fine,” Hopper assures and Steve nods in agreement. It makes the older man snort. “Come on,” he orders and Steve gets some help getting into the truck.

As Hopper drives, Steve just leans against the window. “Kid, I want you to stay awake. I’m no doctor, but even I know it’s not good to sleep with a head injury.” Hopper states and Steve groans. “Shh, I don’t care, just listen to me.”

Steve hums, “I already slept.” He groans and Hopper huffs. He looks over and Hopper’s face is a mess of emotions. “M’sorry about tunnels.”

Hopper looked over and he had something on his face, but it wasn’t anger. “Kid… I know it wasn’t your idea about the tunnels. Just thank you for keeping an eye on them. Joyce and I really appreciate it… You’re a good kid.” He says and Steve blinks, feeling tears welling up.

Hopper clears his throat, “And well, I know you were trouble in the past. Parties, alcohol, fights… But you’ve really stepped it up. You’re becoming a role model these kids need.” Steve looked down at his hands and everything was blurry. Whether it was tears or just dizziness he didn’t know. “That’s why you’re going to be fine. Cause you have to be,” Hopper’s voice is gruff and Steve gives him a jerky nod before he sinks into the seat of the truck. “So, stay awake.” Steve nods but his eyes shut anyways.

_4_

Another 40 days I'm lost at sea I'm just gonna swim until you love me Hoping that your heart will rescue me I'm just gonna swim until you love me Swim until you love me Swim, swim, swim. Swim until you love me Swim, swim, swim.

__Robin__

Steve had his back to Robin, tied to each other, to chairs. Knocked over laying on the ground. He felt like shit but he couldn’t really focus on that right now. Not when there were problems at hand. “Robin, are you laughing?” He groans and she continues to laugh.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry,” she laughs but then tries to calm herself. “It’s just- I can’t believe I’m gonna die in a secret Russian base with Steve ‘The Hair’ Harrington. It’s just too trippy man.” She starts laughing again and he lets his head rest on the cool tile.

“We’re not gonna die,” he says but it’s a lie. He can’t think of a single way they're making it out of here. That’s why he tried to stay behind alone. But once again he wasn’t strong enough.

First, it was running away from the Demogorgon. Then Max came in to save his ass. And now it was how he couldn’t even block a door by himself. It was pathetic… he tries to stay positive and tries to think but then Robin’s still talking. Not an escape plan that would probably fail but about sophomore history class. “I sat behind you 2 days a week for a year. Mister funny. Mister cool. The king of Hawkins High himself.” She makes it harder to breathe as her tone goes darker.

“Do you even remember me from that class?” She asks but they both know the answer. He sits in his self-hatred as she scoffs, “Of course, you don’t. You were a real asshole, you know that?”

He doesn’t hesitate to answer, “Yeah, I know.”

She swallows, “But it didn’t even matter- it didn’t matter that you were an ass. I was still obsessed with you. Even though all of us losers pretend to be above it all, we still just wanna be popular. Accepted. Normal.”

Steve feels like he might break down if he lets her continue. But he knows the right thing to do is let her tell him off. He can’t bury the past. He can’t pretend he wasn’t an asshole. She had every right to bring it up. “If it makes you feel any better, having those things isn’t all that great.” He admits and tries to hide the emotion swirling in his chest, “Seriously. It just baffles me… everything that people tell you is important, everything that people say you should care about, it's all just…” A small laugh escapes him, full of pain. Seeing Nancy’s righteous fury as she looked up at him and said “Bullshit.”

He feels exhausted and sighs, “but I guess you’ve got to mess up to figure things out, right?”

She shifts a little to lean more against him and the closeness makes it a little easier. “I hope so, I feel like my whole life has been… one big error.” She laughs and so does he, even though it’s sadder than funny. Maybe in a better world, they’d be able to laugh about this, years down the line. But the truth was, Steve, expected to die here and he knew Robin did too. Even as they dream about meeting each other earlier. As they wish they never learned about the Russians under their feet.

“Gotta say though, I liked being your schmuck,” he chuckled. In a better world, Steve could’ve proved himself in a different way. But in the end, he’s never really been able to prove himself outside of life-and-death situations. Destined to be alone or never able to truly relax because the next near-death experience will bring another person into his life. He sits there and for this moment… he wanted to be her shmuck. “It was fun while it lasted.”

Robin’s shoulder presses into his and it’s a comfort, “it was.”

***

Steve had sat in his house all alone after getting home. After Russian torture, Monsters, doctors, and government cover-ups. He had taken a shower and curled up on his couch until the sun rose into the sky. Still, he didn’t move. He didn’t know if he had the energy anymore. He had gotten checked over but his brain was too scrambled to really know how he was supposed to do to take care of himself. He was just too exhausted from it all.

Yet around noon, a knock came on his door. He didn’t move until whoever it was knocked again. He pushed himself up and groaned at the movement. When he opened the door, it was to Robin. She stood there in a Madonna tee and baggy shorts. “Hey,” she murmurs and he steps aside to let her in. He walks back to the couch and lowers himself with a groan. “Are you taking any pain medication?” She questions and he glances over to the bag on the coffee table, full of everything they gave him.

He sighs, “Mostly just trying to lay here until I either heal or die.” He smirks and she smiles back at him.

But then she grabs the back and digs through it. Reading a pamphlet and organizing the few bottles on the table. “Steve,” she says and he glanced over here. “You’re not okay, are you?”

Steve sighs and looks back up at the ceiling. “No, I’m really not.”

She’s quiet but then she’s shifting until she is laying down as well. Her head by his, their feet dangling over the side of the couch. “What- why are you here?” He can’t help but ask as they fall into a comfortable silence.

Robin doesn't say anything for a long moment and Steve’s just about to take it back when she sighs. “I told you my deepest, darkest secret…”

Steve shifts his head and looks at her. She turns hers and their faces are inches apart. “Just because I was high doesn’t mean my opinion’s changed, Robin. You like boobies, big deal. So do I…” he pauses and looks back up at the ceiling.

He clears his throat, “I mean I don’t get it. Not really. Never seeing someone as attractive. Like seriously, some guys are ridiculously attractive.” He shrugs, “but to each your own.”

Robin sucks in sharply and Steve winces as she sits up quickly. But she’s not moving away from him. Instead, she’s on her elbows, hovering over him and forcing eye contact. Her face is completely serious, “Steve Harrington, did you just… come out to me?”

He frowns, “I guess.”

Her expression melts into a grin. “You know, for someone who was an asshole, you’ve got a lot of depth.”

“Is that any way to talk to your best friend?” He jokes and she looks so happy at his words.

She shrugs a little and shifts to lie back down next to him. “Ehh, you’ve proved to me that you’re not… you’re a surprisingly good person.”

He lets his eyes close at her words, “thanks I guess.”

“It’s a compliment!” She promises and he nods, letting the words sink in. They settle just like all of the others before.

_5_

I will never get over you.

Another 40 days I'm lost at sea I'm just gonna swim until you love me Hoping that your heart will rescue me I'm just gonna swim until you love me.

__Eddie__

Steve walked side by side with Eddie through the Upside Down. “I guess I couldn’t accept the fact the Steeeve Harrington was actually… a good dude.” Steve looks to the ground, feeling that old familiar feeling stir in his chest. But Eddie had every right to hold those grudges. Steve didn’t know if he ever actually did anything to the guy, but he probably didn’t stop anything either. “Rich parents, popular, chicks love him. Not a douche? No way, man. No way. That like, flies in the face of all the laws in the universe and my own personal Munson doctrine,” Eddie says.

And Steve thinks, maybe he was doomed to be an asshole from the start. Maybe it was just who he was meant to be. Thinking about it, it makes sense. Maybe no matter how much he proves himself, he’ll still be a rich kid who peaked in high school. No matter how much growth, he’d always have that obstacle to overcome.

Then Eddie leaned in closer, so close that Steve had to lean back a little to stop them from touching. “Still super jealous as hell, by the way.” He grins at Steve and Steve can’t help but smile back. Even in this hellscape with his head foggy from pain and the world blurry after he pulled out his ruined contacts after he faced yet another near-death experience… he smiles back. Eddie’s got a good smile, a nice smile.

Steve bumped him back and swallowed back the emotions swirling through him. “That’s why I would’ve never jumped in to save your ass. Not under any, uh… normal circumstances.” Eddie just kept talking, walking right next to him. There’s a noise off to the right and Steve directs the flashlight in that direction, but it’s just more of the decaying landscape. Eddie looks scared for a moment as they stop talking. It makes Steve want to ask him to keep talking. To keep filling the space between them…

Eddie cleared his throat like he heard Steve’s silent prayers. But maybe Eddie needed to fill the silence too. “Nope, outside of d&d I am no hero. I see danger and I just turn heel and run. Or at least that’s what I’ve learned about myself this week.” He says, sounding so guilty that Steve could taste it.

Steve can’t stop himself before he pats Eddie’s chest. “Give yourself a break, man. We all run the first time,” he states and his words seem to hit Eddie.

“You’re telling me that, you, Steve Harrington, the man who just bit one of these creatures, ran the first time,” Eddie says and his voice is so unbelieving that Steve can’t help but snort.

He looks over and knocks their shoulders together. “Yeah, I did,” he sighs. He pictures running from Jonathan, Tommy, and the Demogorgon. He thinks of how he avoided Billy, his parents, and anything about the Upside Down. But then he remembers going to help Dustin figure out the Russians, getting them out of the elevator, knocking out the guard, holding the door, taking the hits… Steve learned to push past his own cowardice.

Steve sighs, “Eddie, you ran and it’s okay. Jesus, it’s okay to run from this shit. Sometimes running means, you live.” He states, picturing all of the people who died fighting. Billy comes to mind. The guy holding his ground. Planting his feet and facing the monster for them. Dying painfully in Max’s arms.

“Sometimes running means someone else dies,” Eddie says and Steve looks over at him. The bags under his eyes. The haunted look that was, no doubt, reflected on his own face.

He looks at the ground, “the first time this stuff happened… someone died in my backyard. She was there for a party and while I was upstairs fucking her best friend, she was being torn apart. I didn’t run, I didn’t fight, man, I didn’t even know it happened. Once again my ability to stand off to the side of everything, got someone hurt... She was there for a party I threw after a kid went missing and I didn’t even care that she was missing the next day.” Steve rambled and felt the old guilt building up. “I was too worried about my parents and- Nancy was right it was bullshit.”

Steve looks over at Eddie, he looks surprised and Steve gives him a small smile. “So, sure, you ran but at least you tried to save her. And I get that it’s easier to blame yourself than to feel like you couldn’t have done anything to save her. But don’t go and do something stupid to make up for it.” His voice goes quiet and Steve glances down at his bandages that were slowly turning red. “Cause dying isn’t going to bring her back.”

Eddie clears his throat, “wow. I- uh, you’re surprisingly wise, man.” He sounds emotional and unsure of himself.

Steve sighs, “nah. I just graduated.” He teases and gets a shove for it. He laughs and Eddie snorts like he couldn’t believe him. He’s got a small smile on his face and he rolls his eyes at Steve. It’s lighthearted and it makes this hellscape feel a little bit lighter.

They fall into silence and Steve breaks it. “But just, thanks for coming in after me.”

Eddie shakes his head, “I was too damn ashamed to be the one who stayed behind. Those ladies, they jumped right in after you. They didn’t waste a second. Didn’t even hesitate.” Steve blinks and looks ahead at the girls. “I don’t know what happened between you and Wheeler or what your deal with Buckley is, but… you’ve got two ladies who are willing to die for you. That’s love... It’s a sign of love if I’ve ever seen it.”

Steve blinks and then he sighs, “Honestly, I would’ve rather you guys run than dive in after me.”

Eddie moves to grab his shoulder, making them pause. He looks back at Eddie, raising an eyebrow. “Well, sucks, man. We came in after you. And now you have to deal with us.”

It makes Steve smile, “trauma bonds us, huh?”

Eddie laughs, “Yeah, Harrington. You got a friend today because of this shit.” It’s not a surprise to Steve. He always seems to get friends from this shit.

“Okay, Munson, sounds like a plan.” Before they can say anymore the earth shakes and Steve holds onto Eddie. They keep each other up as Robin yells for Nancy to come back.

_+1_

Swim until you love me Swim, swim, swim. Swim until you love me Swim, swim, swim.

I will never get over you.

__Eleven__

Steve didn’t have the same childhood as others did. He spent most of his childhood in the back of a car or on a plane. Moving everywhere with his busy parents. He spent more time in a hotel room with his mom than time in his actual house. His mom would put something in front of him and then she’d put as much distance as she could between them.

Once he started school it changed. His mom brought him home and he got used to staying in one place. He met other kids and adults who actually liked their kids. But as he grew up, he began to understand what he had missed all his life.

You’re told that from the minute you’re born, your parents love you. But Steve knew that wasn’t the truth. Just like everyone else, you had to prove yourself to them. Just like a teacher, you had to prove that you were good enough to be loved by them.

And as Steve grew up, he joined sports, played piano to make his mom smile, he learned to use his words to charm everyone. But his parents never believed his charm. It was never enough. Steve was never enough. Eventually not even his mom stayed home with him. It was just Steve in that house. He had tried and tried to be who they wanted but it was never enough. So, he started to act out. He did stupid shit just so they would come home. Even though it was only ever for an argument.

He wanted to prove that he was enough. That he was worth their love. But he never managed it. Over time he learned that was okay. He’ll never prove himself to them, but he can keep proving himself to the family he got through pain and bloodshed. The people he was able to show his love to. The people that were able to love him regardless of his faults.

He drove the kids everywhere they wanted to go. He looked after them so Joyce and Hopper could have a night out. He listened to Robin and supported her through her developing feelings for Nancy. He held Nancy after she and Jonathan broke up. Told her about bisexuality and gently pushed her and Robin closer. He distracted everyone to give Jonathan time to sneak out with Argyle so they could go relax. He sat next to Max’s bed so Lucas and Erica could go get some rest. He talked to Max quietly as she woke up disoriented and sore. He sat with Wayne next to Eddie after the idiot still went to prove himself. He volunteered at the school and pushed himself as much as he could to be the person everyone needed. There was no time to be anything less.

Still, he couldn’t stop the way his body was slowing down. He hadn’t been taking care of himself. How could he when everything else was so much more important? Instead, he said that he’d spend some time at the cabin with El who was once again in lockdown. He made his way through the forest and knocked the weird knock. The door swung open and El stood there looking tired but happy to see him. “Hey, kid,” He greets and heads inside.

“Hello,” she says softly back. It’s shy but kind. It’s expected. Steve hasn’t hung around El too much and never alone. He only really knew her through stories from the others.

“So, what do you want to do? What do you normally do? I uh- I’m not uh…” He trailed off as she grabbed a bowl of already-made popcorn and pulled him over to the couch.

She looked over at him with those big eyes of hers. “I do not have lots of experience with hangouts. Max and I…” she trailed off, her eyes growing watery. He shifts and pulls her into his side.

He clears his throat, “well, I have some. Robin and I do dumb shit together all the time.” He looked over at this girl who hadn’t really had a chance to be a teenage girl and hang out with other girls. Being surrounded by boys who weren’t going to teach her to lean into her feminine side.

He sucked in a sharp breath, “You deserve a girls' night and while I’m not a girl, I can do my best.” She looked confused as he stood up from the couch. He groaned as the movements made his bites pull. “Now, where is your nail polish? That always seems like a good start. I’m going into the kitchen to see what you have to make face masks.” She blinked up at him before her face cracked into a grin.

As he mixes up the oats, using the recipe Robin had told him oh so long ago. El moves around him, the movie long forgotten. “Alright, so I know the next step is talking about crushes and that shit.” He states twirling around to look at El. He easily applies it to her face and he pulled his hair into a half up/half down to keep it out of the mask. “Everything we say is safe and stays within the girl night.” He grins, leaning into overdramatic just so she’ll laugh.

“I uh, broke up with Mike.” She admits and Steve leans over to take a hand of hers to start applying the soft yellow polish.

He hums, “and how are you feeling about it?”

Her mouth twists as she tries to find her words. “I think, I think it is good. But I still love him in a way.”

Steve nods, “love doesn’t just go away. When Nancy and I broke up I went insane. For months I was always upset but then I decided to sleep around to see if that would make me feel better. It didn’t so I don’t think you should go down that road.” He teases and she smiles at him. “But even now I love her. But it’s not romantic love anymore.” He shrugs and sticks his tongue out in concentration.

“I don’t think I love him in a romantic way. But knowing if you love someone in an uh," she paused and looked at him before slowly saying, "romantic(?) way is hard,” She sighs. He nods in agreement; it seems to get her to keep talking. “I thought I loved him in a romantic way but it feels like when I see Will. And Will is my brother… Max, I thought-” she cuts herself off with a sigh. “I thought I liked her but I am happy that she is with Lucas. They are quite cute together. I do not think I understand love.”

Steve pictures Eddie's big smile as he said, big boy. “Love is hard, but sometimes to figure out who you love you have to look at those you already understand.”

She looked confused and Steve smiles at her, moving to her other hand. “I loved Nancy, I know I did. But I understood that I liked men by comparing my feelings when she smiled at me too when a guy would get in my space. But I also thought I loved Robin until she fit firmly next to Dustin in my heart. And with Eddie he easily took up the space Nancy left behind.” He admits and her eyes are wide. “So take two people you know for sure and compare everyone else to them.” He says and she nods, brow pinched.

“Will is my brother, I do not want to kiss him.” She states, “Mike used to make me feel like…” she pulled her hands back and mimed shimming and grinning like a lunatic. He couldn’t help but laugh and she gave him her hand once again. “Lucas is like Will, I love him but I do not feel like that with him. Mike, as you said, left space in my heart. But he feels more like a friend.” She nods and he’s proud of how she sorts through people. She frowns, “Max makes me happy but I do not want to kiss her. I want her to be happy and I want to hang out with her.”

She frowns, “Dustin is my friend. He makes me happy. He makes me feel loved and strong.” She says softly, “I do not know… Steve?” She asks and she sounds so lost.

His heart hurts for her. “Kid, I can’t explain your feelings for someone. I just know that when someone makes you happy, you should hold onto them... With Robin, I think I could’ve lived with her the rest of my life. But then she turned me down. And now, it’s gross to even think about kissing her. She’s my sister,” he laughs and she grins at him. “With Nancy, she fell in love with someone when she was with me… our love faded and it couldn’t be helped. But I hold onto my love for them even now that it’s changed. Maybe one day you’ll know what category to put him in, maybe you won’t. But being around him will help that.”

El nods and Steve’s down with her nails. She waves them around to dry them. “I was happy that he was okay. He is nice,” she’s got a small blush on her face and he hopes that this time it would work out for her. “I am really glad he’s okay,” she says softly and takes the paint from him to start on his nails. He offers them easily, holding the bottle in his free hand for her.

Steve thinks about how Eddie’s blood dripped down his back as they carried him out of the Upside Down. “Fear is one way to kick start crushes.”

She nods, looking sad. “It is not fun,” she sighs and he knows that to be the truth.

They fall into silence as she focuses on his nails. But once she’s done she smiles at him and puts it away. They wash their faces and sit on the couch. He tosses a piece of popcorn and catches it easily. She watches him before attempting to do the same. They stay like that until she looks over at him. “I love you like a brother, like Jonathan.” She says and she makes it sound easy like it’s not a big deal.

It hits him because he’s never been through hell with her. They’ve always been in opposite roles and never once did he put himself in front of a monster for her. “You can’t,” he says softly.

“Steve,” El looks up at him with big eyes. She looks so innocent and it feels like he’s taking advantage of her naivety. She didn’t know that he was always meant to be an asshole. She didn’t understand that he had to prove himself. “You are… Joyce told me that you can say I love you to those you care about. Family, friends, anyone.” She says and she looks a little worried. “She told me that a brother does not have to be a real family member. It is about… being there for each other and caring. You are so kind; you care about us. So, you are our brother.”

Steve shakes his head, “but I- you barely know me, kid. I think you need to take a moment before you decide too quickly. I’m not- I’m not a good person.”

Her nose scrunches up, “you have only ever been kind to me.”

That makes him blink, “well, yeah. But I met you after I worked on becoming a better person. So, you just don’t know.”

El looks over at a picture of the party she pinned to the wall. “They told me you used to be an asshole.” She states and he waits for the words. But you’re better now. You’ve proved that you’ve changed. Instead, she shrugs, “I don’t see it. You have always been kind. You have not proven yourself to be an asshole.”

Steve feels his throat closing and shifts on the couch, “no. El you don’t understand, you have to prove to others that you're worth loving. You can’t just- you can’t just love me. I’m- you-” There’s something pulling in his chest and it’s like he can’t breathe.

“I think you are wrong. For a long time, I did not understand love. It felt wrong. Like a chain to those who demand things of you…” He can see how tense she is and hates that he’s the one making her think back to the lab. “Papa loved me because I proved him right because I was his. But Hop showed me that you can find love everywhere. It is good, it is… it is freedom.”

She looked up at him with determination. “Joyce told me that loving someone is being happy with them. If they make you smile. If they make you feel safe. And if you love freely, you will be happier. My love is free. I want to give you my love.” Steve choked on his tears and she hesitates before she reaches out and takes his hand, “Will you let me?”

“El, I-” he can’t spit out the words he just nods. El easily pulls him into a hug. Always so strong for someone so small.

She loved him even though he was made to be an asshole. She loved him without any hesitance. He cried openly, holding her tightly. She held him just as tight. “I love you too,” he promises and he can feel her smile.

#stranger things #hurt steve harrington #king steve #the party is a family #steve harrington needs a hug #steve harrington #eddie will never die in my stories #steddie is too good #steddie #based on swim by alec benjamin #music inspiration

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