Two weeks
This was inspired by the ‘Music is the key’ challenge of @thecoffeeshopforwriters
Artist: Bebe Rhexha
Album: Expectations
Song: Self Control
Fandom: Les Miserables
Pairing: Enjolras x Grantaire
Warnings: Mention of drug use
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LItq59z6bqU
Got no self control
And I don't mean cigarettes and alcohol
'Cause when it comes to you I can't say no
I don't wanna taste, I want it all
When I get your call
I'm out the door, not a minute more
Like an animal
I lose control, it's illogical
Oh, oh
One little kiss can turn into a thousand
One little touch and I'm gone
It was late at night and the streets of Paris glistened with the rain. There were people walking around, laughing, talking, generally having a good time. But he didn't hear any of that. He barely even saw the people around him, each having their own story to live full of love, heartbreak, promises and failure. All he could hear was that voice, echoing through his head again and again. Part of him never wanted this to stop, to always have this modulated, silvery voice ringing in his ears. But the other part felt haunted by the very same, not able to flee from it, metaphorically and literary. It didn't matter where he went, subsequently the universe would lead him always back, whether it was at meetings in the little, crammed back room of the cafe or at riots, in the local news or through the stories random people told each other on the streets.
He couldn't even enjoy a nice bottle of wine or a joint without hearing Him. Yes, Him. Him with a capital 'H'. Not because He was some old dude sitting on a cloud and deciding everyone's fate. No, He only decided his fate and He did it without even knowing it; without even caring. So night after night Grantaire wandered the streets of Paris, trying to get His voice out of his head and at the same time enjoying every second of hearing the very same. For Grantaire He was everything: the single source of light the only hope to live to see another day, the very breath that would fill his lungs and allow him to keep living. But being everything also meant that He was the dark figure in his nightmares, the mirror, showing him what a disgrace he actually was, the pain, the only thing he would be able to feel at times.
Even though being consumed by his thoughts, Grantaire could see the irony of all this. Take a drunk, a hopeless, an addict like himself and make him feel love for once, make him able to hope, just for him to get addicted, obsessed again. That's what it was: another addiction. Only this time it was so much stronger. Of course he could have never imagined to stop drinking at the time or to stop smoking for that matter. However, something inside him knew that there was difference to his current addiction. This felt different. Of course he needed the alcohol and other drugs at the time but compared to them this felt unbelievably strong. Yes, unbelievable. Funny that that's the word coming to mind. The irony struck Grantaire again. Unbelievable that He was his new addiction, when it was Him who made him believe again.
‘Well, don’t meddle in our affairs. Go and sleep off the effects of your absinthe.’
And that was it. It would be a lie to say that He had ever been friendly to him, but those two sentences did the job and Grantaire could still feel the splinters of his broken heart.
It had been two weeks. Two weeks of wandering through Paris each night. Two weeks of trying to fix his heart and realizing that that will never be possible again. Two weeks of trying to avoid Him at any cost and failing miserably. Two weeks of being stone cold sober.
‘Well, don’t meddle in our affairs. Go and sleep off the effects of your absinthe.’
Yes, he went. And every night he kept on going. Yes, he slept. Never good but he slept and the absinthe hasn't been a problem since that day either, since those two sentences.
Not bothering where he was going and seemingly wandering around aimlessly, Grantaire only noticed the familiar surrounding when it was too late. As he stood in front of the Musain and even though every last one of his braincells screamed at him to run, run in the opposite direction, he took a step and then another until he was back, sitting in the same corner, he was trying to run away from.
'Don’t meddle in our affairs.'
He didn't want to. He didn't want to be there. He wanted to run, to sleep off the effects his absinthe. The absinthe that was long gone from his system. Before he could stand up and walk away he saw a flash of bright red. That was all it took and as if controlled by a force greater that anything he knew, all he could do was sit in his corner and listen to that modulated, silvery voice that so passionately spoke of justice, of change and of hope. It wasn't until the meeting was over that their eyes met.
It wasn't until then that he was able to once again look into the eyes of Enjolras.
Got no self control
And I don't mean cigarettes and alcohol
When it comes to you I can't say no
I don't wanna taste, I want it all
I'm so predictable
Fall every time, ain't it pitiful
And it's not enough
I tried to quit
But I'm giving up
One little kiss can turn into a thousand
One little touch and I'm gone
It was late at nigh and knew that the rain was falling onto the streets of Paris. There were people out there walking around, laughing, talking, generally having a good time. But he didn't hear any of that. He barely even noticed the people on the street outside his flat, each having their own story to live full of love, heartbreak, promises and failure. All he could hear was that voice, echoing through his head again and again. Part of him never wanted this to stop, to always have this low, gruff voice ringing in his ears. But the other part felt haunted by the very same, not able to flee from it. He couldn't even enjoy the usually rewarding feeling of winning an argument or discussing plans without hearing Him. Yes, Him. Him with a capital 'H'. Not because He was some old dude sitting on a cloud and deciding everyone's fate. No, He only decided his fate and He did it without even knowing it; without even caring. So night after night Enjolras lay in his bed, unable to sleep, trying to get His voice out of his head and at the same time enjoying every second of hearing the very same. For Enjolras He was everything, everything he never had before, everything he never knew he missed. From the slight tingle on his skin, where He had accidentally touched him to the subconscious way he always looked for Him during meetings. From the feeling of reassurance when he saw Him in his corner to the the confusion he felt whenever he noticed any of his oh so irrational behaviour.
Even though being consumed by his thoughts, Enjolras could see the irony of all this. He had never felt that way. He had always been so sure of himself, or at least of the cause he was fighting for. How or rather why would the person that believes the least be able to cause these emotions. These irrational emotions. These confusing emotions. He was the least interested in a better future. He was the last person who would contribute a useful idea. And still Enjolras would feel utterly incomplete if He wasn't there.
'You're heartless, Enjolras'
And that was it. It would be a lie to say that they had ever been overly friendly towards each other, but that sentence did the job and Enjolras could still feel the splinters of his broken heart.
He has felt like that for two weeks. Fourteen days. 336 Days of
feeling lost. Of not being able to sleep. Of having a broken heart.
'You're heartless, Enjolras'
That sentence echoed in his head. It echoed in his head when he tried to sleep, and it followed him through his dreams. It echoed in his head when he woke up. It echoed in his head during every second of the day right until he started the meeting.
Glancing at the corner had become a habit. Of course He wouldn't be there. He hadn't been for two weeks. Enjolras didn't even know why he still glanced there. So coming into the room and being about to start the meeting, he glanced at the corner and nearly forgot himself when he saw the familiar sight of it being occupied.
It wasn't until the meeting was over that their eyes met.
It wasn't until then that he was able to once again look into the eyes of Grantaire.
Got no self control
And I don't mean cigarettes and alcohol
When it comes to you I can't say no
I don't want a taste, I want it all
The meeting was over; the room had cleared. Only Grantaire and Enjolras were left, staring at each other, neither saying a word. It felt like a life time; maybe even more, maybe it felt like two weeks.
As if a wall between them broke they simultaneously started to speak, Grantaire saying 'I want to meddle in your affairs, I don't want to go' and Enjolras saying 'I do have a heart'. Another silence followed until Enjolras was standing right in front of Grantaire's corner and quietly admitted:
'I don't want you to go, please stay with me'.
Slowly standing up and taking a step towards Enjolras, eliminating the remaining space between them, Grantaire took his hands and just as quietly answered:
'I know you have a heart, you couldn't have had such an impact on mine if you didn't'.
And as if another wall broke, the last one standing, Enjolras and Grantaire kissed, finally easing the pain of their broken hearts, both of them knowing that this could never stop just there. Both of them knowing that they were completely and utterly lost within each other. Both of them knowing that self control was not the word to describe their feelings for each other as well as their obvious inability to live without another, even for only two weeks.
And the hunger grows
I'm craving you and my body knows
'Cause it wakes me up
Heart through my chest, it's gotta be love
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