Cancelled plans after work so now I’m gonna go home and test these edibles my friend made.. no idea how strong they are!
In his defence, he had fun
Can you pls do the latter coz the former is not gonna happen
When all hope is lost miracles become possible. That is the time to strike hardest.
Your life requires you to not care what other people think.
There is a difference between caring about what others think and being kind.
Being considerate is not the same as being worried about judgement.
‘My heart has made its mind up
And I’m afraid it’s you.’
‘Valentine’ - Wendy Cope
Stop caring about what other people think.
There’s a difference between being courteous and being ashamed of yourself. You can be both kind and true to yourself without compromising your boundaries or your own naturally threatening self. If you like setting strict boundaries when you meet someone that doesn’t mean you’ll be giving up humanity or being considerate. They can be in harmony. Trust your judgement.
You can be unpalatable and nonconforming, and still be kind.
There’s nothing good or strong about being shut off from love. It means you refuse to spread goodness, unnecessarily.
There’s alwasymore truths behind traumas people can’t talk about. Truths we can’t see while we’re still reeling from the pain and shock. Truths that become clear only once we have the courage to look back and face what happened. Only then are hidden realities suddenly apparent, only then do you ask questions you didn’t dare to consider before. Like… Why? What was the motive? How did they know? And how come this person didn’t step in? Etc etc truths unveil themselves easily but only once you delve deeper into the dark and figure out with a conviction for honesty and justice what really happened and why.
Relationships are a whole ass universe. If you don’t understand it then you’re automatically hurting people. Emotional understanding is a whole subject to learn. But the mere concept is this: relationships are a partnership that require you to recognize yourself and hold yourself accountable regardless of your internal issues and perhaps even in recognition of your needs. Relationships require you to understand that every piece of you affects the way that you act interact and react. Relationships are impossible to maintain if they’re static because life will forever be flowing and dynamic and changing and chaotic. Without the conscious choice to hold yourself accountable and to recognize your needs and to be practical about your partner’s humanness, and therefore to communicate through changes and shift and adjust and work together to reorganize your internal and emotional connections, you will not have shit for a relationship. Relationships by all accounts shouldn’t be possible, they cannot exist long term, except through consistent communication and sustained effort. Those factors are the only reason why good relationships are truly possible.
Stagnancy, lack of communication, inertia, and all of that simply lead to bad dynamics in relationships. Any kind of relationship that ends up being more negative considering the effort you put into including it in your life … Isn’t a relationship anyone would strive for. It’s not worth anything to a life. Lack of communication creates toxicity just by nature of life’s inherent changes.
Thing is that relationships are two ways and like everything in the universe it flows. It has its own protocols to work. Problem is that people go into it blind because they feel connection without trying so they think you don’t need any prep for relationships either. Nah. Relationships are based off connection. But they are not maintained through that. They are maintained by honest communication aka basic effort to keep something healthy and nontoxic and sustainable. Without honest communication, there is always going to be an expiration date on that relationship. Problem is that honest communication requires internal honesty, personal honesty. That can be hard to come by. It’s something you have to work on. It’s about self respect and emotional awareness for the self and personal accountability. You gotta stay on top of your shit. Your capacity and your energy and your needs and what you want from your relationships and even the little things like your fears and insecurities popping up from changes in your life or events that develop. That stuff affects you. What you need to realize is that relationships are an Active Partnership so whatever affects you ultimately ends up affecting your partner too because it impacts the way you interact with them.
Active partnerships mean that maybe you’re making sacrifices for the relationship because you love them and you’ll deal with the problems yourself. You don’t mention it. You think you’re a good person and exempt from any kind of criticism for this? Hopefully not. Because unless you communicate to your partner what you’re sacrificing and how you’re feeling about it, that kind of dishonesty or ommission is the first step to throwing loose and dirty gravel into the cogs of your relationship. Your partner is under no expectation to be grateful to you unless you let them know. Your partner doesn’t know to shape up and help take care of you reciprocally until you admit what you’ve been sacrificing for them. Your partner will keep on blithely doing their thing and not acknowledging your sacrifices until one day down the line your unmentioned effort is going to collect and collect and collect, and you’ll have a bitterness inside of you that you don’t want to aim at them but that you do feel within the relationship– an unhappiness that cannot be dismissed. Ignored feelings can become dishonesty that destroys relationships. You have to share your perspective always because misunderstandings are a given, misinterpretations are always going to happen in life depending on what role each person thinks they’re playing. Let’s say your partner communicates with an acts of service love language. They’ve been doing things for years for you without mentioning it and they think that you feel their love. They think that they’re the ones putting in effort and making sacrifices for years. What happens later down the line when this dynamic gets confronted? One of you feels like the silent sacrificer and the other one doesn’t see you as one because they never realized your effort? You’ll have to come to terms that you made those choices yourself and that they’re not to blame for it. If you choose to go the extra mile without mentioning it then you cannot get upset about them not understanding your effort. Your feelings are valid and they are also the result of a lack of communication. It’s normal to want some basic recognition but that won’t happen without communication. It’s normal to be a bit more distant or get more independent when you feel like you’re the one making adjustments to your life for your partner but it really isn’t on your partner if you don’t include them in that. Let’s say you were doing this because they really weren’t picking up the slack. Yes your decision to try harder is valid but at the end of the day without communication, both of your love and effort will go right past each other. Unspoken effort or unmentioned feelings or sacrifices – things you take on silently and don’t talk about because you feel that the negative emotion doesn’t matter or is negligible– end up hurting the relationship over time. Any time communication isn’t streamlined and up to date it ends up making it harder to connect at the same wavelength. And these things don’t go away, it’s not a one time thing. If you don’t mention something then it does collect and come up later and in an exponentially worse way.
You may be the more present one in the relationship or you may feel like you’re loving because you give them space. Neither of those things can inherently determine whether the relationship is okay. The only thing that can guarantee that a relationship is good throughout the millions of interpretations of behaviors in this universe– is communication. Because it’s entirely possible that your partner doesn’t like space or maybe they want you to be more present and not less. Some things are good or bad depending on context. The only way to make sure your effort is being interpreted correctly or that the relationship is working is if you communicate as you do these things. That determines whether some action is good or bad for the relationship. If you have clear communication. It’s a two way street.
Sometimes your sacrifices make it worse for the other person because it buries you in a role and it fixes theirs and they don’t like that dynamic. Neither of you are wrong but you both should be communicating. That’s why communication and understanding that it’s your dynamic that needs to be adjusted along the way is what’s important. Everyone’s needs are different and everyone’s needs change over time. So you have to keep being honest about yourself and not burying your feelings. Misunderstandings are way too easy because everyone is interpreting in personalized ways what only they can see. The way each of you like to be loved for example can be different.
And everything you do impacts the other person. They may have adjusted because of how you choose to support them or ezpresd yourself– and you may not find that comfortable or suitable for you. They can care about you and still not be able to respond to your needs because you haven’t communicated. You can care about them and be putting in effort but you still might miss out on their most important needs because you haven’t asked and they haven’t communicated. The only thing that makes a relationship work healthily is keeping an open line communicating about what you need or want personally, consistently. Regardless of whether they can give it to you, that clear communication makes everything much more transparent and easier for each person to make the decisions that they find best for them, with all the information available and at hand.
You have to include you partner in your choices about the relationship and your emotional context that creates those choices. Your partner should be fully aware of what you need or what you feel so that they understand the weight of your decisions. You have to communicate about your emotional feelings and needs even as you continue a certain gesture happily– it just makes both your choices more intentional and it means that you can discuss your dynamic so that it’s more balanced and fits each of your needs in a more healthy and collaborative way. And that way you can always adjust based off your changing needs during the changes in life.
So be honest about your feelings and communicate them because that keeps them aware and up to date about the relationship, and it makes it easier for them to make decisions for themselves and communicate their own needs. This way you two can always adjust the dynamic if necessary. It’s best to establish such protocols from the start so you can always depend on this when you need to talk or go over something you’re either feeling or want changed. Give each person full agency but also respect them by including them in your decision making process regarding the relationship and your emotional needs. This basically required respecting your partner’s agency and respecting your needs, regardless of what they are. No one can make a good decision for the relationship without being fully informed and aware of everything that factors in. So include each other. Respect each other’s agency and needs. Do not make decisions for the relationship on your own without telling your partner what you’re considering and what’s going on and what you want to do. You honestly do not always get their needs and wants right. Asking and discussing first is always better. Collaborating in decisions as a couple is always always going to be better. This is communication. This is why relationships work long term. Miss this and you miss out.
What guarantees a good relationship is being on the same page about decisions and what each other’s feelings are– and that can only happen with consistent communication. And honest communication can only occur when you’re holding yourself accountable by being honest with yourself in life– meaning respect your feelings and respect your partner too, by including them in your decisions. Respect their agency for themselves.
People who are in relationships care about what the other person is feeling about a certain thing. Expression is sacred and safe and intimate, valued and protected above everything. Regardless of how inconvenient those feelings are, the very definition of a relationship is caring about the other person’s feelings.
If your partner does not like it when you express your feelings about something between you, they’re not the one for you. If you’re worried about bringing something up, don’t be afraid. The whole definition of a relationship means that it revolves around each other’s needs and concerns and constantly shifts and flows based off of that in a sort of mutual support connection. Without that it’s only one person and not a relationship between two people at all. Respect and consideration for the other half of a partnership is literally the only thing that makes it a partnership. Otherwise it is essentially useless.
So express those feelings. The relationship is built around responding to each other’s feelings and needs. If it won’t adjust for that then you don’t actually have one. And truthfully it will adjust for it because people who care about you never leave just because of an inconvenient feeling. It’s okay.
I think I’m slightly whipped for my best friend.
Some things: when someone believes you about your own experiences or perspective, that’s a good friend. When someone loves you, that’s not something to be grateful for or put them on a pedestal over because that creates black and white thinking and ignores their humanity which means that you might forget to be their for them and to see their own fallibility. So accept the love, give it back, and move on. Don’t turn people into angels and villains. Just recognize that they wanted to give you something that day and appreciate it.
I notice that some people hold onto their trauma as a symbol of strength or some kind of self imposed heroism, but literally that’s unnecessary and helps no one. Someone who pushes people away unnecessarily and insists on being alone and being inaccessible to emotional receiving is literally putting such a curse on people who genuinely are ready to support them mutually. Reciprocation is important and it cannot be done when you’re unnecessarily keeping your trauma like some badge of honor or pride. It’s difficult and we deal with it in our own ways but you have to start recognizing how that shit hurts people you love. Your trauma is in your head only and that’s it. Don’t let it play out in reality or interfere with the relationships you have. There’s nothing fun about being summarily treated like an extra in a scene by someone who’s absorbed with their trauma and keeps acting like the main character in a tragedy. Everyone has trauma and we can recognize each other’s shit. That doesn’t excuse treating others like they can be used and discarded and nobody has to stick by you through all that shit to prove that they’re genuine. That doesn’t fly.
In a social group if someone is making you feel uncomfortable, don’t leave. That’s what they want. Don’t give up all your friends because one person is subtly trying to push you out. Focus on your friends and individually make time with them on the side as well, and hold your ground. You take space and you have power and that power threatens them because you technically do belong, just as much or even more than them. And you are a representative of the group. Either let them show their face and expose themselves while you keep doing you, or strengthen your individual connections and confide in them.
Same thing when someone unnecessarily has a problem with you. Let them do their thing and give them space, but continue to make your connections and be present in the group. Don’t neglect on basic greetings bit there’s no need to pursue that further. Make it clear that you’re here to be genuinely good to everybody and they can choose what they want to do but you’re not someone who can be discarded and you will respect their space but you don’t need to give up your own.