#my ability to do them is gone

[mattodore]

guy whose childhood drags behind him like a dead body

#river dipping #simblr #ts4 #ts4 edit #theodore doe #echthroi #i forgot to post this after sharing theo's birthday edit last night... listen i was so tired i just hit post and passed out #but so far today i've just been looking through character page themes for a bit and messing around with codes while watching dropout tv #i still need to get to my activity feed sometime today or tomorrow and then i want to set aside some time to just hang out on here #and catch up on things like i keep disappearing and missing out on posts jgkhjfnkh so i gotta do that... #but i'm actually fighting off the world's biggest nap rn..... my meds work really well but lord i'm still so tired all the time woof #so i'll probably end up caving soon lmao #but!!! anyway!! THEO!!! there was nothing i could do abt the proportions on theo as a kid like i couldn't make his head any smaller... #the sims team actually hate me so bad and are trying to force the huge cartoonishly big heads onto my sims </3 #also when i aged him down to a kid like all of his presets were gone so i just had to try and replicate them to the best of my abilities #his lip preset actually has a much deeper cupid's bow but thanks to the liquify tool <33333 it looks like his regular preset #i've actually posted teen theo on here before but i've made a ton of changes to him since then so this version is pretty different compared #to the older version of him at sixteen #he's definitely got more baby fat than he did before like his cheeks are pretty round #um. also i have these closeups i took of adult theo from the pose i made for his birthday edit that i gotta edit a lil and then post!!! #bc you really didn't get to see his expression or the actual pose that well and EYEEEE personally am really in love with the details #of the pose itself like ugh.......... theo is so.......................... yeah. #holds him

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[cold-neon-ocean]

I love your work and creativity on power couple Baatar Jr and kuvira but when will we get more of THE power couple Corvus Glaive and Proxima Midnight ?

Aaaahh thank you I'm glad you enjoy my Baatar and Kuvira stuff!! I know they're quite niche so it makes me happy to hear people like my work with them ;;

Bug gah yeah it has been a while since my Corvus and Proxima days, I actually miss those two a lot ;; I had a TON of content for them, a lot of it still in my folders tbh I just definitely got distracted by LoK :'D also my fire for Marvel has pretty much gone out, I haven't really been vibing with Phase 4 so my brain has just kinda moved on~ I still really love my old Marvel favs, like Ronan and Crystal as they were so important to me for so long, and of course Corvus and Proxima too, so even though I'm really not in the Marvel space anymore, I'd really love to revisit those characters sometime, especially since my art for humans/humanoid characters has improved a lot since then!

While writing this I was looking through my Corvus/Proxima folders on my computer and phone and gosh yeah there's a lot of content I never got around to finishing/posting- both art and fics ;; I had a lot of extensive stuff about my version of Proxima's species, my redesigns of everyone, as well as everyone's time before The Order came about, and especially the development of Corv and Prox's relationship. Hopefully one day I can get back to it all!

I did find this old wip in my folder as well, I still like where it's going so I'll definitely have to bring this back sometime lol I always loved the idea of Corvus' scrawny lizard ass just getting fucking Hoisted by his giant wife

#Proxima Midnight #Corvus Glaive #Corvus x Proxima #The Black Order #Marvel #Fanart #WIP #Ask Matsu #[ I honestly really miss drawing these two a lot ;A; #it makes me happy knowing people remember my older content haha #I'd like to get back to them because I had a lot of fun stuff going on with them wah #never underestimate my ability to get completely fucking Derailed by a glasses man askdjfsgf #*makes Baatar sit in time out* let someone else have some attention for once #but man Proxima still is The Woman for me I swear #others have come and gone but my love for her will forever remain #I'll never forget what she did to me in 2020 #if you were there you were there alskjgfd #but yeah aah I'm sorry LoK has become my main thing for so long and just kinda drowned out everything else :'DD #I've got more original content in the works but I do wanna return to some older stuff like Prox and Corvus #Ronan and Crystal too! ]

[adxmanial]

this close to refunding commissions again

#I can’t do this shit #each time I can finally draw #after doing shit with my ocs to try and get out a creative rut #I sit down to work on commissions #and all of my fucking creative skill is gone and I can’t draw anything that looks halfway decent #I’m cursed #pain and suffering on planet earth #I’m not built for commissions my ability to draw is so fucking fickle with them

[suchastart]

Hey are you still here? Are you okay?

HI, WOW, yes, I've alive and okay! Hi!!! I haven't been here in ages--how are we doing? What are the cool kids up to these days? I feel like that Gary Buscemi meme,

What are we reading or watching or playing? Is PJO/HOO still a thing? Asking for a friend.

It looks like I have a few messages in my inbox but I have no idea how old they are or when they were sent--the little envelope notification never popped up whenever I would periodically check in, so I assumed I didn't have anything, so sorry!!

Hope everybody is doing well!

♥

#I never understood the blogs that would disappear and then just... become kpop blogs but........... that was almost me #OOPS got a little more into kpop while I was gone in the real world #I want to like Come Back to doing stuff here but also my attention span and ability to commit to things is SHOT #so I don't want to make promises because I absolutely cannot keep them #but like I really so desperately do miss writing??? #so we'll see I guess sorry #I missed tags as parenthetical thoughts #idek what I would even write about I mostly spend my free time watching let's plays and doing crochet?? and sleeping?????? #and reading kpop fanfic I guess but that's a secret idek WHO I AM ANYMORE??? #mina answers asks #mina has a real life sometimes

[puppyclown]

FUCK art school for taking away the one thing that made me happy

#my ability to do art freely and without self judgement or expectations has completely gone out the window #FUCK art schools for taking artists and turning them into corporate shells #FUCK art schools for profiting off of the creativity and passion of their studenta #you people don't care about artists stop caring like you do #they want to make all artists palettable and consumable and MONETIZED. NOT ALL ART IS MEANT TO BE MONETIZED #god i'm so tired. i just want to be able to draw #i can't even draw vent art anymore. the comfort has been ripped away from me because #i am constantly expecting review. i am SO PREOCCUPIED with how other people view my art and how i express myself

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling about how lorien and the garde kids are the ultimate example of 'you inherit your parents' trauma but you will never fully understand it'

#lorien legacies #LL loric #LL tag #on a number of levels tbh; ranging from the literal as in 'my mentor-parent came from a dead world and the only glimpses i get of it' #'and what happened to it; are through their eyes; and they are not likely to be very forthcoming about most of it' #'especially their own issues and traumas both before the war and after' #to 'lorien had a lot of really fucked up shit and long-reaching societal traumas going on long before the war' #'whether they admitted something was a trauma or not (from what we see; usually not lmao)' #'and like. they're gone now. their records are gone. we will never have even a tenth of the full context' #'and one of the only two living direct sources we have for all this is inclined to lie about it' #'how do we even begin to make sense of the bearing their past actions have on what's happening now' #'whether The Interplanetary Political Landscape in General' #'or on the smaller scale of how our lost culture shaped our individual traumas and abuse' #'when we have so little context for or ability to verify what they even *did*' #'how *relevant* is it. because in a lot of ways it IS relevant. but also what does it mean to hold them accountable when they're *gone*' #there's honestly so many other places to emphasize this theme too; i could go on many long infodumps about how this applies to the mogs #but also one of the main characters; who is fully a human; inherits his dad's trauma which *his dad himself doesn't even remember* #there's so much to explore here and it is all very sad rolls around kicking my feet

[hobisexually]

x

#i! feel! so! disconnected! from everything and everyone #and it’s so god damn annoying #I either feel nothing at all or everything at once and I can’t balance it #but if I take the time to sit with the things I’m scared of I’ll just keel over I don’t have time for it #Im just on autopilot moving ahead #because I have to! if I don’t my fear will win from me and that will Not be pretty #and that’s what I’m so upset about like I didn’t get something I really wanted #and it’s fully because of anxiety but the alternative is WORSE #and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t #afford them to. I can’t let that happen and I think this is the first time I’m realising how much it holds me back even after uni #and I’m so angry over it dndndnd so so so angry and if they KNEW how much I had gone through no one would ever doubt my ability to — #bounce back and take charge of a situation ever again. they’d know I can do that. But it’s too private to share so now it’s up to me to #BELIEVE it and just show them but it takes so much out of me every time #and if it weren’t for the pandemic I would’ve been much further along and if it weren’t for my fucking burnout I’d have been further along #and it weren’t for my Fucking dad I’d be further along. I’m just so mad #so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort #also I have not seen or spoken to my dad since December and I have a wedding he’s attending and I can’t get out of it #and I constantly pingpong between ‘its for the best I broke off contact I needed the space to heal’ and ‘I am a horrible person for taking #his only daughter away from him instead of talking’ #but I’ve TRIED the talking and he just never LISTENS????? and made me feel so unsafe in this world at all times #I’m constantly trying to undo all that and it’s exhausting and no one gets how much effort that takes and I can’t tell them either #like. not gonna unload my trauma on people but if they KNEW they’d get why I don’t always react optimally to things the way they do #aaarffggHhhhHHHhHhhh #also I’m not even enjoying festa I’m not tuned in at ALL and that’s also deeply upsetting but there’s no other way atm #Also. did a thing in PFPT today that. I feel complicated things and I’m just upset about the way my life’s been until now #its making me feel worse than I was expecting #oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together #felt so connected with each other and it was familiar and safe and lovely they said #meanwhile I cried at 3am in the bathroom because I had never felt more alienated from them ever #I know who /I/ am and what I want and don’t want but the dissonance with the rest of the world….. what the fuck man. What is my place even

[hella1975]

i literally NEVER have ideas for soft soukoku even though it's my favourite thing to read in bsd fics bc alas dazai and chuuya are Like That and don't know how to be normal, but like what if chuuya struggles to sleep bc of his ability? what if it's normally manageable but some big event is giving him nightmares? what if when he has these nightmares, his ability automatically goes haywire and he winds up spending a fortune on repairs for everything he keeps breaking in his room? what if after a few days of sleeplessness he's finally out of it enough to genuinely consider asking dazai for help? what if dazai agrees to use no longer human while chuuya sleeps as a JOKE bc 'awww if you're missing me you can just say so~' but dazai finds it helps with his insomnia just as much? what if chuuya waits for the humiliation he knows is going to come from dazai telling everyone about his moment of weakness, waits for dazai to make him regret it, but it never comes? what if that fragile trust between them that got destroyed when dazai left flickers back to life again in these moments when it's just them in the darkness? what if it becomes a mutual agreement, a very reluctant 'this helps both of us' that neither of them are happy about that slowly grows into something more? something they begin to like? something they perhaps even look forward to? what if-

#me looking at the state chuuya and dazai's relationship is in: sex wont cut it you two need to hold each other #hi i dont know where this idea came from but it's plaguing me and i really want to write it #yes im touch starved yes 'literal sleeping together' is one of my favourite tropes keep scrolling #bonus points if the reason chuuya got the idea to ask dazai to sleep with him was bc it's something he had to do when he was younger #when his ability was a lot more out of control but also when there was a lot more trust between him and dazai #('trust' is used in soukoku terms. to a bystander it's all very fucked up and complicated but it makes sense to them) #however now dazai's in the ada and chuuya's in the port mafia and he HATES dazai #but shit chuuya has not slept in DAYS he's practically delusional at this point and very very desperate #like have you ever gone even two days without sleeping? it makes you crazy and if the idea of dazai's ability helping him sleep #was already in chuuya's brain bc they've done it before then i GUARANTEE it would not be far-fetched for him to resort to it again #and dazai agrees purely to make fun of chuuya and exploit a weakness bc this is dazai we're talking about #and if there's one thing i love it's realistic soukoku portrayal where they actually have to work really hard from a shitty start point #but still chuuya is just fucking EXHAUSTED and he doesnt care about the teasing or backlash at this point so he calls anyway #and dazai is there #and the joke gets immediately turned on HIM bc it's the 'best sleep ive had in years' trope and dazai's like SHIT #the entp has harmed himself in his own attack #hmmmmmmmm thinking #bsd #soukoku

[silverislander]

i might have to ask my chaucer prof for an extension on this assignment and fucking god i really don't want to. i REALLY don't want to

i've already had to email him to get the details on literally every single assignment and quiz we've done for two different classes bc he keeps forgetting to give them to us on time, so he definitely knows me by now and i am TERRIFIED it's getting annoying even tho i know it was fully justified. i also recently had to ask him to move my presentation date back for this class (bc he didn't fucking give us the topics for weeks on end so i couldn't have started it early even if i hadn't been too busy to try) which he did do

but i am Going Through It rn w my brain. it's getting really bad again. whenever i open the doc w my essay i just have this wave of anxiety and i can't start writing it. there's only five days left until the deadline, it is five pages and i've written two sentences of the intro + have no sources, i do not have time to procrastinate on this i barely have time to finish it as it stands rn

#rn i think if i dont have at least every paragraph started by saturday night im gonna have to ask for an extension #and i SUPER dont want to do that bc this has the ability to quickly become a pattern i know myself #im almost def gonna need extensions on at least one of the final projects too bc i always do i should save these requests for then #eventually people are going to stop giving them to me and just assume im being lazy #levi.txt #it doesnt help that ive been so busy i havent gone anywhere but school for almost a month #im supposed to be going out about once a week for my anxiety but i havent had time. bc of school #and my parents are really pressuring me to get things sorted for the honours essay next semester and its stressing me the fuck out #this prof also has been awful at giving us what we need to get started early #well have a quiz in old english and he gives us the things we need to study at 9pm the night before #he only gave me the presentation topics 2wks before my original date. bc i emailed him begging to let me change the date so i can prepare #and its stupid but im also worried bc i dont have a halloween costume yet and ive been wanting to go shopping for it for months now #and then i worry bc ill have to spend money on it and i already dont have a lot #so basically rn my life is school im constantly stressed i havent seen my friends in weeks and i have nothing to look forward to #i am Not Doing Great

[saintqueer]

-

#i know this is cheesy and sounds like insincere platitudes but idgaf because i mean it #i can't wait until i can come onto tumblr to report good news #and to be in a position to help others instead of asking for help #society revolves about money which is sick and gross but i want to be in a position where i have enough to spare #so i can give it away freely and without financial fear #i want the anxiety around money gone of course #but i also what to have the ability to give to others and tell them there is no shame or embarrassment in asking for help #to be able to do that from a place of knowing exactly what it's like to feel that shame and that dread of an empty bank account #i want to truly live my philosophy that money should not need to be earned through labor when money is necessary to stay alive #labor does not need to be necessary to stay alive anymore #our technological advancements are too great #the only reason we have to work to survive to get healthcare to eat to have a roof over our head #is for the purpose of exploitation and feeding power-hungry gremlins more money than they could spend in over 1000 lifetimes

[woundedheartwithin]

Had that dream again where my brain is apparently trying to convince me that I’m wrong for cutting the most toxic person I’ve ever known out of my life and now I’m anxious as hell about it

#she speaks #the best part is I have work today #and because of the magical wonder that is ✨ADHD✨ #I have the usually wonderful ability to completely tune out the audio and daydream while maintaining 100% accuracy on my transcription #autopilot if you will #usually I use this time to think about my blorbos #today I’m replaying that stupid fucking dream over and over in my fucking head #it’s great 😑 #like what do you want me to do brain? #I’m not fucking calling them I’m glad they’re gone #I cut them off and my stress level dropped to almost zero #there’s no way in hell I’m inviting that evil back into my house

[devilsskettle]

current obsession with stories about power dynamics in interpersonal relationships and the kinds of tactics and leverage people use to navigate them

#a lot of actors and writers will tell you anyway that any scene fundamentally is about two people trying to get what they want #and like there are no universals but i think that’s frequently true #which means that’s true of a lot of interpersonal interactions too #sometimes that want is ‘i want this person to like me’ or ‘i want to help’ etc #or ‘i am asserting my personal autonomy so you don’t think you have unmitigated control over me’ #but sometimes it’s ‘i want this person to feel bad’ ‘i want their world to revolve around me’ ‘i want them to do what i want how i want #without the ability to say no’ ‘i am going to back them into a corner so they can never react to anything bad i do to them’ #but it’s like what are our bargaining tools in interacting with other people. what are our assurances that someone can’t do us harm #anyway #we need to talk about kevin breaking bad the patient you we have always lived in the castle #real people telling me about their real experiences with exes who leveraged everything they said or did against them #my own life experiences and the lack of agency i feel in my own life #uhhhh saw. gone girl #hannibal of course #etc

[abysslll]

you guys have no idea how much the line "the dead feel no emotion" has fucked me up

#because its TRUE #we continue living and thinking about this person and grieving for them #when they haven't felt a single thing and won't ever again #it's all worthless. but we still do it #because we're living and we have the ability to and it /hurts/ to lose someone #even though the person you lost isn't sad that they're gone #anyway yeah stormbringer has permanently altered my brain chemistry etc etc

[1980ssunflower]

i love my husbands sm

#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙 #tape entry circa 1980 #ive already dedicated all of myself to them and like ijust auh #i cant begin to really express JUST how important they are to me and ik i try to say it over and over ghjdfks #but truly... im so glad they had me find them... im so glad that we could love eachother #i dont know how long they had been waiting for me before that day but #i know they had been waiting for me #and i wont ever leave them. i am dedicated to them as they are to me #and i will love them to the day i die and even after i will always love them #forever and ever and ever #i will always love them to best of my abilities and i will always do whatever it takes for them to be happy #and ik they will always do the same for me #we may not be perfect people... but we love eachother... and we will always better ourselves for one another #thats the point of love #not a day has gone by where i havent loved them #not a day where my love has been any less #its only gotten stronger and stronger #and i know. i KNOW. i will ALWAYS. always love them. #because i had never loved before them. #and i know i will never have a love like this again. #i know this love will always be here. and i know ill still love them on my deathbed #i should be sleeping rn i just #cant stop thinking abt them #i want to be home and just hold their hands #tell them how much i love them. show them how dedicated i am to them. that im never going anywhere #i hope i can see them soon... i want to at least dream of them...

[xcziel]

.

#this year is just the weirdest christmas vibe i've ever had goning on #i have all the stuff for a hallmark-y christmas: it's cold for once on christmas eve! i have a kitchen and a bare tree #but family is overworked and stressed and and i'm sick and worn out from retail so no visiting or sharing baking #so no reason to bake or decorate - even though i fully have the ability! the things are sitting out i am looking at them #but i just want to bury in the bed and read sad or schmoopy fanfic instead #i just can't get in the mood and it's so disappointing bc i remember loving having like #christmas music on and singing along and baking and i never could do much in my apartment bc of it being so small etc #and now i have a full big kitchen counter and could have the tree i always wanted and play christmas cartoons loudly #and it wouldn't bother anyone and there's lights up in the neighborhood i could go see but #i'm just so exhausted and generally discouraged and it's the MOST first world of situations but i may never get #another chance to have a christmas like this and who knows where/how i'll be next year ... #maybe it's really just the not being able to bake - like i don't even really feel like it but i still get sudden impulses #and it's like nope no family to cart tins of cookies to - can't take them or cake to work bc don't want to risk people getting sick #tempted to just force myself into christmas spirit but then the apathy just rolls back over me #i'm so worried about my bil and sister who are stressed bc if medication shortages #and all y'all who are suffering power outages and winter weather onslaught and stressful weekend plan changes #and seasonal overwork and all that entails i'm worried for you also and wishing for everything to be better and go well for you #it just feels like everyone's having an anxious exhsusting holiday season this year and i would like so much better for us #than just 'making it through' #ugh now i'm making myself sappy and teary again #whatever - anybody bothering to read this just know i wish you warmth happiness and joy however they may come to you #hug your loved ones if you can love on your pets eat something for a treat and look at some pretty lights this evening #i maybe am gonna light some candles and put on music and see if my sis wants to call or facetime later #but first my rx are finally filled so i have to go fetch them #happy holidays whoever reads this - mutuals i love you and wish you the best may your evening be merry and bright #or at least warm!