#my back hurts from sitting so much

[cactuseri]

closets & forced smiles & such

#my art #i’m ok dw 💀 expression practice + lighting practice #anyway. my back hurts so fucking much from sitting hunched over this one for 4 hours. please clap

[asteralien]

not to be like “i miss college” even though i do but mostly i think i miss being smart. before depression and life events had chewed up and partially swallowed my brain. just getting to problem solve and think, being Very Into something as the norm. i know being an english major is basically the easiest thing you can be at the undergrad level but i do feel like that was the one and only time in my life where my natural state was actually a pro instead of a con. i graduated with the highest honors and absolutely no one cared but i cared

#aster chat #family life exploding exactly one (1) month from graduation is still just. it. god. it was almost seven years ago and it still hurts #SO much. i had worked so hard to graduate with the honors i did #i took a 400 level history class in my 2nd semester with one of the hardest humanities profs and i got a B #i basically lived in a break room for a whole semester because my misophonia was so bad with my roommate at night #i stashed pillows and blankets behind a couch and slept there to stay sane enough to write my papers #i got so close to Ending Things three times and DIDN'T #my professors LOVED ME #and then graduation came and it was just. over. #went right back home to sit between my parents as much as i could and get yelled at and watch everything go down the drain #like as soon as i walked out of college i stopped existing except as something for my parents and my job to use up #like. i know it's cringy to still be thinking about college but that was the last time i mattered as myself. you know #people liked me because of my brain! my thoughts! not for what i could do for them or for a paycheck #me qua me #okay lmao Antidepressant Time bye #no offense but my english classes wouldn't have made me feel weird about saying 'boon' instead of 'pro' up there #i changed it to not sound like an assclown but my profs would have thought it was funny.

[polaroidcats]

I keep thinking about the pigeon from yesterday and wondering if the vets at the wildlife rescue place were able to help it :(

#ramblings #i know my friend took a crow there and said they usually can't tell u how the animal is but i'm so tempted to call and ask #but i shouldnt bc they're busy and don't need me distracting them from their work #and it's ridiculous to care so much about a pigeon in a city full of pigeons but i saw the hawk trying to kill it and then saw the pigeon #just sit there and didnt realise how hurt it was until it was still sitting there 2 hrs later which is when i took it to the rescue place #i just hope it wasn't in too much pain:(( #this is one of those moments where i realise i could never ever go back to eating meat #i asked the vet if there is anything i can do to protect the pigeons from the hawk and she said well it's nature the hawk has to eat sth #and i know she's right and thats how it works and it's all part of nature but it still made me rly sad #anywayssss will delete this later but i feel ridiculous telling ppl irl how upset i am about a random pigeon #so tag ramblings it is!!!

[bulkhummus]

i slept really good last night :o)

#i conked before 1 am which is such a rarity these days #i wish i felt good today i would be unstoppable #my tummy hurts so bad and idk what i did to it to treat me this way #i woke up at 6 am in pain and then forced myself back asleep hoping itd go away and then woke up 2 hours later with the same pain :o( #im thinking i might actually be allergic to red dye < so im gonna keep a look out but #o7 < me looking out #bc idk what else it could have been i didnt reallt eay much yesterday bc my tummy hurt too #i unno but i hope i can do some drawing today i had to play life catch up yesterday and battle the depression #im gonna list the good stuff from yesterday for myself now while im sitting on my bathroom floor lol #i bought kimchi my supermarket hasnt had in a while which wahoo! #i out clean sheets on my bed #i finished a commission #i cleaned my room #finished a dndads episode #took a nice shower #spoke on the phone with some friends and made plans with coworkers/friends #missing everyone who is far from me terribly which is part of the depression im sure #anyways those are ally my updates i did sleep really good even though i woke up early and thats the good thing #and if u made it this far #i love u an hope u have a good day :3 #personal

[zappedbywho]

.

#Diary #So here’s something I remember DEVASTING me for some #I was at the playground with my step sibling. and we were playing this game where we would swing and point out the smaller kids like ‘Thats #my kid’. Choosing babies basically and not much else. And this one girl was getting teased so we invited her over and she sat in my step #siblings’s lap while they swung. Well this girl chats like the 5 year old she was and I stumbled over my words or something and my step #sibling laughs at me hysterically. That hurt my feelings but I remember thinking that I wanted to be more thick skinned than I was when I #was the girl’s age so I just pushed it back and kept swinging. My step sibling had to #pee or something. so it was just me and this girl. I wasn’t as chatty as my sibling but when the girl slipped off the swing and couldn’t #Get back on. I asked her if she wanted me to help her get back on. and she was like ‘My mom doesn’t let me talk to strangers’ #Of course this confused me. because we just met and I am also a child? #She looked. like. uncomfortable near me or something and I just felt so weird in my body #Cause like. I know I’m chubby and taller than other girls but am I really scary like an older boy? #My sibling was an average size and a little malnourished and I was already incredibly insecure about our differences #Like I was wearing knee shorts and a t shirt to swim in the lake and they were wearing a girl’s bikini lol #Then this little kid gets right back on their lap when they got back and I was like ‘😬’ trying not to cry and just walked away to sit by #myself. Now there’s a picture of my clueless father sitting next to me when I’m like ‘Oh ‘extremely high kid voice crack’ sure you can sit #next to me dad😃 Please drown Em in the lake for me because I hate them and that people like them better’ from behind. #This was a pretty regular experience for kids but I was a little off and even kids sense these things lol

[orbiyoo]

theb 3dmodelling assignment i spent 4 hours fixing up to like 90% completion today corrupted and of course i duplicated everything i made EXCEPT for the body of the car i spent forever trying to get right and it is so messed and i am so sick

#WAAAH WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAH WAAAAAAH #the computer literally ate my fucking homework. #ive bitched about this to like 5 different people and i need to bitch more. #I HATE 3DMODELEIGN ok im fine #AUUUUUGH #i asked for an extension w a picture attached but its 2 days from the deadline so i feel bad. i stopped working on it and had to go laydown #Bc my lower back hurts too much whenever i sit for too long. the joys of being in your 20s #sniffle. wah. wah. wah. wah #surfacing and texturing has never done this to me. animation has never done this to me. level design kind of did do this to me once #but it also fixed itself. 3d modelling is only pain

[frecklystars]

I have quite a few messages to get back to, but I have read all of my inbox messages so far, and I am so relieved to have so much support. Thank you so much you guys. I’m so sorry I haven’t responded to many asks or dms yet, I got hit with a flood all at once (which isn’t a bad thing at ALL), I’m just not used to talking to people again so I’m gonna be suuuuper slow with my responses. But I will get back to as many as I can, I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you’ve reached out to me. This is literally my first time in nearly 9 months that I’ve started to speak to people again, I’ve been completely isolated and only spoke to the ex-friend for so long, convinced that I’m too unlovable to receive kindness anymore. I’m shocked at how much positive support I’m getting, I was told for many months that I wouldn’t have anyone on my side. But so many of you have told me that you’ve got my back. I am overwhelmed by all of the love I have received in such a short amount of time and I am so grateful.

I’m a little shaky and tired, writing everything that happened in that post out took a lot out of me, so I’m gonna head to bed pretty soon and then I’ll try to respond to more messages in the next few days if I have the energy.

Seriously, thank you so much to anyone who took the time to message me or write a response. I was so scared that people were going to think I had no right to be upset. And my post is so scatterbrained, I was crying when I wrote it, I have been dealing with so much anger and heartbreak and grief for so long. I wrote it with the mindset of “nobody is going to read this, nobody is going to help me, I have been alone this whole time and nothing is going to change”, but reading all of your kind words has made me feel a little bit like myself again. This is the first time in almost 9 months that I have felt a small bit of weight lift off of my shoulders... it means so much to me. I really care about you guys, even to the ppl I’ve never interacted with directly but you leave Likes on my posts, I see you and I appreciate you. I always remember ppl who extend kindness to me and I promise I never take it for granted.

#i feel so bad im leaving 30 messages just Sitting There but like!!! i am so happy to have you!!!!! #i am so!! relieved!! i know ive said that a million times but its true!!! #i was hurting so bad when i wrote that post and not even 30 minutes go by and you all managed to #make me feel so seen. and so heard. #i feel a little bit of hope now like maybe i AM really capable of feeling love from TF again #i miss starscream so much. i love starscream so so so so much. i will do anything to get him back #thank you guys for having my back and for supporting me 😭😭💖 #i feel like ive fallen into a deep dark pit and youre giving me the strength to finally try to crawl out of it #i promise to respond to more messages at least by Thursday 🥺 thank u so much again guys #i hope you have a good night. i love u. be safe. i am sending u so so so much of my love

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for. #the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated

[candlesoul]

vent

#i was work on my new projects then this emotional pain hits me #my chest hurting #im sitting and waiting to pass #i need to move forward fast and why god hold me back so much #literally my chest bleeding emotional pain is shit #i dont even want to live i didnt even want to anything from you just find job for helping mt sister and you dont even let me to do this god #agh anyway personal

[matchandelure]

for two weeks every four months i become math’s biggest hater, and for the rest of the time im just an average hater (very sad and frustrated)

#officially done half of my finals...just the other half left #and included in that half is...the dreaded calculus ii final exam god im so scared #my eyes are burning my wrist hurts my back aches from sitting in a chair for hours staring at three different screens doing practice #probelms that stopped making sense about. 2 hours ago #i hate differential equations so much why do we need to know these things. like. when will i ever need to know how to integrate by parts #when in life will i ever need to know whether a series converges absolutely conditionally or diverges #when am i ever going to need to understand volumes of revolutions w the stupid washers and shells and GRAAH #im going to be petty tongiht bc i know that this math cant even be considered hard bc its literally just fundamental courses #but im going to let myself be sad bc once i get out the sad and frustrated and mad i can go back to deriving power series of things #and everyone learns and processes things at different rates and its ok if i need to take twice as long to understand a theorem and proof #then a classmate who can understand it just by reading the course notes once. yeah #i actually feel pathetic rn. cant believe a first year math course has me this worked up. just need to get my shit together next study term #and stop complaining over every little thing #actually last little thing i love the ratio test it has done nothing wrong ever i love it so much (i hate the integral test) #limit comparison you are on thin fucking ice. ast you are just behind the ratio test #willows rambling branch

[silverislander]

rereading a book i loved in high school to annotate a copy. remembering why it connected w me so much

#its the miseducation of cameron post btw #i read it literally 3 times in the space of 2mos almost back to back #i brought it on two trips- that was the year we went to austria and the year i went to national music camp #and like. yeah. yeah i guess that was why #smth abt that book just really cuts to the heart of what it was like for me growing up in the church #my church wasnt the wbc or anything ofc but like. they also werent/arent queer affirming and its hard to explain how it hurt me #bc everyone expects a story where someone sits me down and like. threatens to beat me if im gay or whatever #that didnt happen. its just that i figured out by osmosis from this environment that i was wrong and that i should be ashamed #and nobody ever challenged that assertion so it stuck for years afterwards #its like growing up in a house w mold in it youll never really know that its there until youre told but you know smth is hurting you #and by the time you realize what it is its gonna take fucking forever to remove #and thats how it is w cameron! she knows long before shes sent to the camp #i just keep coming back to how everyone who went to nationals w me came back talking abt this amazing spiritual experience they had #and how much it meant to them to be able to go #and all i was thinking was that i didnt make even 1 friend and everyone treated me like i was fucking diseased the entire time #the guys didnt want me around bc i was a girl and the girls didnt want me around bc i wasnt a girl to them #my roommate acted scared of me from day fucking one and i still dont really know why. wouldnt stay in the room w me #i would sit down somewhere in the common area and people physically turned away from me to have their own conversations #i think they knew. i wasnt out at camp ofc but im p sure they knew smth was up w me #levi.txt #idk. i dont have a Trauma to point to but i feel like calling the effects of what the church did to me religious trauma is appropriate #it fucked me up so so bad. i had to work through so much shit and im still not out of it #today im not ashamed of being queer but im still discovering new issues that living like that gave me all the time #ultimately. im ok rn dw just thinking a lot. its a great book im glad to reread it and really analyze it! its fun

[britneyshakespeare]

Funny. I was thinking just yesterday about how it had been awhile (almost a year) since I had a good old fashioned fainting spell. And the last time I had one I didn't even think I was dying like a lot of other times I've had them in the past. Well then last night (tonight? Today?) between 2 and 3 in the morning I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, was thinking "man this feels like so much effort I'm so tired" when I turned around to dry them, and then I realized I was on the floor somehow in the fight of my life with the perception of consciousness again.

#i can't be certain how many times i lost consciousness bc i tried to stay on the floor after that #ive learned the hard way not to try to get up once you're down until you're really sure it's over #it's not just gonna be once. i stay in limbo for well. who knows how long! #literally who knows. not me. i was the one unable to hold onto waking #tales from diana #fainting cw #health cw #luckily. whenever it was i first realized i was fainting i had the instinct to sit on the ground #not comfortably. but when i realized what was happening i noticed i was facing the closet leaning my back on the sink #so i mitigated a possible concussion #last time i had one in the middle of the night like this by myself (5ish years ago) i didn't tell my doctor till my next physical #and she was like 'why didnt you come? you couldve had a concussion' and i was freaked out by that #my head hurts a little but not much so i think injury-wise im probably ok #but i should go to the hospital or something today... now that i know i have hashimoto's disease #im wondering if that was some kind of thyroid attack or smth #and they weren't gonna schedule me to see an endocrinologist till DECEMBER #yeah i cried a little when i woke up this morning about it #im just so sad. i can't stop suffering i can't stop being in pain #ruins everything. i was gonna see my family today #i have so many things i wanna do but i can't even dry my hands in the middle of the night anymore

[nomaishuttle]

its also like . ok sry im going on bc im tired and ive upset myself lol but its like. to have somebody who knows i grew up in poverty call me greedy and selfish bc he pressured me into moving up here when i didnt have the money so i Had to rely on him financially. and then i couldnt pay him back while i was literally unemployed. to have him call me greedy and selfish and entitled and lazy was. insanely upsetting

#like he knew that a lot of the money i earned went directly to paying my families bills and literally feeding them and he still. said that #to me. and then when i got upset he spun it as me being irrational and playing the victim and always guilttripping him like. idk. idk. #i try rly hard not to think abt that bc it just makes me feel horrific but like. i was already so insanely paranoid about spending money #any Non essential purchase made me spiral and then that just made it. so much worse . i told him from the start i didnt have much money and #he said it was fine and i told him from the start id pay him back as quickly as i could and he said it was fine and then he just #he completely ghosted me he never talked to me he slept downstairs and he spent more time with one of our roommates than he did me #and now i. know why he did that lol #but whatever. but he iced me out and the only time he ever talked to me was to tell me i was being greedy for not paying him back #or if i literally fuckjng. begged him to do skmething with me #and then hed spend like 1 hour completely checked out but technically sitting in the same room as me and i just. idk. that relationship #genuinely like. fucked me up. and now i reakize it wasnt Just since i moved here and a lot of the like. stripping me of.my identity and #pressuring me into doing. certain things when i wasnt comfortable with them and guilttripping me if i did try to stand up for myself. now i #realize that had been going on nearly since the start but it fucking. rly hurts. basically #and to top it all of he knew i struggle with very severe depression and i have since i was a kid and he knew i specifically struggle a lot #with hygiene and he knew how gross that makes me feel. and he still called me disgusting for it. and in every argument he had he would #hold the fact i owed him money over my head and i judt. i dont know what i was supposed to do. and i realize now there was jothing bc he #was already. yk. and probably had been for a while but it just. rly fucking sucks basically. #like even now a few months out i get genuinely nauseous when i buy something that isnt Absolutely essential. #and i try to force myself to buy like. a small nice thing for myself every once in a while i buy 1 coffee and 1 breakfast food every week #on saturday to try n like. make sure i know its ok 4 me to do that and it doesnt make me selfish but like. it still makes me feel sick

[peachybutch]

My personal signature in a piece, any piece, is a character that has to come to terms with the fact that things aren't automatically good after they leave their shitty circumstance. Things aren't perfect. They still struggle to fall asleep, still wake up crying. They still ache, deep down in their bones, and it will probably never go away, not really. They wake up on the morning after the war is over, and they look out over the battlefield, and their life is still destroyed.

But it is better. It's better than it was before. And it's not perfect. It's not even good most days. But it is better, and better is enough.

#pb.txt #this is part of the reason i fixate on wash sometimes--it also might be the TBI + PTSD rep #but i want wash to wake up in the morning and go to his shitty office job #and realize that it is never going to be the way it was before #and he is never going to get to go back to the time where it didn't hurt #but it doesn't hurt as much now #it's an ache in his bones instead of a knife in his throat #and it's better #and some days it hurts too much to bear #but some days he wakes up safe in his own house far away from project freelancer #and he gets out of bed and goes into the kitchen #and he is going to have a long day at work with people who have no idea what they're doing #but he is sitting at his kitchen table and he is eating breakfast #and he thinks about how much the man who was recovery one would have ached for this #because sometimes i wake up in the morning and know i have to go to my shitty office job #and i look out my window #and i see a river with ducks #and i think about the fact that i have a window #and i have a bed to roll out of #and it hurts so much #but i have this now. and the me that lived even 6 months ago would have killed someone for this. #i want realistic recovery and i want hope

[venusararara]

Hi :) Gatherine talk number 1000 TW for death and sad stuff She doesn't have an identity without Bresklyn, Stacy, Dawsin, Benny, whoever it be. Her life revolves around them, they are her world, the only things she thinks of. Without loved ones, she's a desperate mess. Gatherine is aimless without someone to love. She cannot be alone, she needs someone. She doesn't know who she is. If you're all she has, she'll desperately turn herself into whatever you want or need. If you admit you love her when she's too alone, Gatherine will fall in love with you right then and there, and never let you go. Even if she's in obvious danger, she's doting over you. Unless, that's not wat you want, she can change. You need a guard dog? Will do. A living meat grinder? Yes, sir. An object? Anything you need, ma'am. She'll do everything in her power to keep you near, even if it tears at her morals or physically harms her. She will change for you so, so quickly, because she knows a never-ending bender will follow closely behind if you leave.

#totally canon bc what do you think happens when all of her beloveds are dead and gone? she just carries on? #no. there is not a happy ending. gatherines happy ending is only temporary. it all concludes with gatherine losing her mind #demons were built to be companions. the only demon she gets along with is benny. what tf do you think happens if benny dies in an accident? #gatherines life canonically lasts until her body degrades completely from her neverending bender and turns to dust #if her loved ones were dead and you were able to chloroform her and lock her up she wouldnt fight back #and god forbid you say “i'm doing this because i love you” or anything along the lines of ily she'd be like yes yes i love you too #god i love you so so so so so so much. please never ever leave me. never go away #where are you going? you cant leave me here. ill lose my mind. i dont want to lose my mind. what if i hurt you? #shes a damn mess when shes alone #yk rens route in btd? shed instantly fall for him and do literally anything he asked #she would have gutted law without even a moment of hesitation #did i do that right? this is wht you want from me right? we can be so happy together. just. dont leave!! stay right here!! #she would just sit there untied and let him do anything to her if she knew she wouldnt be alone

[getting-messi]

Bro what the hell!!!?????

#can’t believe the moment I got back from my first vacation in A DECADE and I GOT COVID immediately after #I wanna cry I thought this shit is over #I have been bed ridden for days with no appetite just popping pills #AMD I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN ANY BETTER #I can’t sleep because of this crazy fever and body ache #my nose is so runny and my throat is so sore #even my ears hurt????!!!! I can’t even put AirPods in #I have my first day of grad school tmw but there’s no way I can commute for an hour downtown to sit and socialize for 3 hours to then - #have to commute back home another hour #I could cry because of how much pain I’m experiencing #:((((