#my bad influence on kids... thats why i shouldnt become a parent xD

[werevulvi]

Oh my god, what a day it's been! Detrans woman hanging around in the city core on a busy day. I've gotten more attention for looking like a gnc man during these 2-3 hours than I ever got for looking like a gnc woman during the total of my life up until today, and that's not an exaggeration. It was intense. Today's look was hyper feminine but with a beard stubble. To reiterate, I first went to the city during the afternoon and stopped by a hair salon to get my left ear pierced for drop-in. I went in there at the same time as two guys and the hair dresser greeted us while working on a third guy's hair. She exclaimed happily that she thought it was fun that 3 men where there at the same time, implying she usually only gets female customers. I just kept my mouth shut and nodded with a forced smile. I had to wait half an hour until it was my turn. One of the guys there gave me a lot of approving looks (kinda flirting? I dunno) and let me go before him. The hairdresser got very excited about that I picked the pink jewellery (was the only one that would match my ever so wine red and golden outfits) and then took me aside to a small room for piercing my ear. She was super sweet all along, but also noticably over-joyed by me. She gave me a bag of easter candy (which she didn't give any of the guys), gave me a hug and said congratulations. Thanks... for the candy I guess? Oh I dunno. I paid and went my merry way. Onwards to the lgbt cafe event which was my reason for going to the city. Thus far no one's ever really talked about anything actually lgbt related there, expect from some have talked about their same sex partners. But this time there was a new person there and she brought up my looks after she had talked about her trans son for a bit (who was also there, but clearly uninterested in participating in any discussion). And she asked me if I had changed to my current outfit upon arriving at the cafe or if went like that from my home. I told her went like that and she said that must require a lot of confidence. Oh yeah, it sure does. So we talked a bit about me but I didn't say I'm detrans or a lesbian and it became just about what I appear like on the surface without even mentioning genders. I didn't wanna make the conversation super personal and didn't know what to say either. Talking about detransing in Swedish without using a whole bunch of English terms that no one's heard of, bio sex and genitals, is a damn challenge! So mostly I just don't say anything about it. But I had a good time at the cafe. It was good conversation, and the pecan pie was good. When that was over I went back to the city core to spend an hour just waiting for the bus. Well that's just what it's like living on a small island. It could be worse, I guess. At least there is a bus. It was warm enough to sit on a bench outside, so I did that while chain-smoking cause I was bored. However, several strangers took turns in keeping me company. First there was two guys (around 20 years old) walking past me. One of them said "you're sexy" and I thought that was awkward so I just said "thanks." The other guy said to the first guy somewhere behind my back: "Don't you see she has a beard?" to which I had a hard time containing my laughter, so it became a half suffocated giggle. I mean, that's what I thought was awkward. Then that other guy kept circling me, asking random questions about my clothes, shoes, jewellery, nail polish, my phone, where I lived, as well as my name. I told him my name's Laura. He had a few other guys in his company that stared at me while also circling me but they didn't say anything. I think they went and came back 3 or 4 times, and each time that same guy kept bombarding me with questions that I barely even got the time to answer. I kept calm and not defensive. His tone was kind and non-threatening, and I was fine with it, but after a while I started getting a bad feeling about it. Like if they planned on doing something bad. But soon after I got that bad feeling they left and didn't come back. A short moment after that, a small group of young teens walked up to me, 3 boys and one girl. The boys started talking to me while the girl strayed off, saying the girl had said "fucking trans" to me, but that they were totally supportive of me. One of them said "Everyone can be however they want." They then left and came back again another moment later. One of them said to me, as I was smoking a cigarette: "It's bad to smoke" to which I said: "There's a lot that's bad here in life." "That's so fucking deep, in just three words" he replied back, then asked if he could borrow my lighter. "Sure" I said. Then they wanted me to help them light a cigarette, and I said okay. Then the girl said: "They're 12 years old!" to which I shrugged and said I've bad influence. Then helped the boy light his cigarette. The girl, who didn't look much older (maybe 14 or 15) asked if she could borrow my lighter too. Sure. I calmly asked her: "Did you say 'fucking trans' to me?" to which she responded: "No, I asked if you're trans." "Oh, okay" I said. After that I was mostly alone on that bench, just looking around at the neon signs on the buildings and the doves flying around, bored out of my skull. Was some 30 minutes left to wait. When I had gotten to the bus station, I ended up standing right next to a few elderly people who may have been drunk, or just strange. One of them, a man walked up to me and asked: "Are you a guy?" I hesitated for a moment, knowing what I looked like and how complicated it is to explain the truth... so I lied. "Yes" I said, as I felt a weight in my chest. The man then stretched out his hand to greet me and I again had to think, before I introduced myself as John, my old male name. The weight in my chest sank. He told me, hesitantly, that he thought I still looked nice while gazing my outfit. He was friendly and totally non-threatening, and seemed intrigued by me. An elder woman who obviously knew the guys talked to me a bit too. She looked rather peculiar too and kept shouting at the guy, with the hoarsest voice I've ever heard from an actual person, to shut the fuck up whenever he talked to his friend. It was vaguely amusing. I didn't like lying about my sex or using my old name like that, but I was just too tired to cause hassle, and knowing people don't ever believe I'm female, I figured that what he asked was not actually a question... but a statement. And my lie was just me merely playing along, cause it was the easiest option."Can't I just get back home already, I'm so fucking tired" I thought to myself while waiting for the bus for those last 5 minutes. Eventually I did, and now I'm definitely exhausted. I didn't know that just going in to the city for a piercing and a meeting at the lgbt cafe would turn into an adventure of probably 10 different strangers in total talking to me out of the blue. Like that's the kinda stuff I see in American Hollywood movies, it doesn't happen in real life, in little Sweden, right? Also, it's Maundy Thursday today, but I don't think I blended in much with the Easter witches... but I kept joking to myself that I did. At the end of this day, I have mixed feelings about all those encounters. The cafe, the hairdresser and the kids I feel mostly positive about, but the older guys... not so much. Moral of the story... it's a billion times harder and scarier to be perceived as a gnc man than as a gnc woman. I feel like this was an almost dangerous look to have in the city. And being aware of the risks is one thing, but actually taking them is another thing. Is it bravery... or stupidity? I've always balanced that thin line, between bravery and stupidity. Somehow I ended up in gnc men's fight for more tolerance. I may not be one of them, but I'm clearly being treated as if I am. And for not even being trans... I'm very visibly trans. And it's uncomfortable to me now that people are much more likely to believe in the outright lie that I'm a crossdressing male or trans woman... than they are to believe in my factual truth that I'm a born female. It's a new kind of sting, of having lost something that I used to take for granted. I didn't know how much comfort and security it used to give me, before I lost it. I clearly did not at all fully consider the consequences of my medical transition at the time I went through with it. Of course detransition was not what I intended on back then, but it was one possible outcome which I was surely aware of. But I refused to acknowledge that it could happen to me, and what I'd do if it would. So here I am, having to face and live with the consequences of my own willful ignorance. Detransitioning is surely one heck of a lesson in life, and it's teaching me really a lot.

#detransition #getting attention for being gnc #this was an experience #kinda transphobic interactions #kinda harrassment #at least the circling guys #my bad influence on kids... thats why i shouldnt become a parent xD