#my brain at this point in the semester

[elissastillstands]

LIFE, DEATH, AND THE FURY

I started Hades with the goal of romancing Meg, but over the past couple months I’ve played it through the end credits, maxed out some more bonds, and started trying higher heats! I love it utterly. Here’s to many more runs.

#hades supergiant #hades game #hades fanart #megaera #zagreus #thanatos #megzag #megthanzag #digital art #i stockpiled nectars and ambrosia for meg #i literally did not try to get companions other than battie and mort and i did not update them until i maxed out meg's bond #my friend was like ''but updated companions now means more ambrosias for meg later'' no i have a clear strategic vision #but truly playing this game has been a much needed respite in a wild semester for me. #it's also that it's classically themed to the point where i was intrigued by it but also it's distant enough to not turn my work brain on #at least for these three. i have a lot of fun with them. i'm late-ish game and their banter (especially meg's in tartarus) is really sweet #and than is sticking around after i talk to him in the house #gameplay wise i'm on heat 13 and my fave weapon is the aspect of arthur sword #(extremely funny if you know my bbcm history)

[oceandiagonale]

hey all it's been a busy semester but a good one btw do you think volo's hat does that deerstalker hat thin g with the flaps and the snappy top

#oceandi speaks #volo #poll #small life update it's getting close to the end of the semester and it looks like I might actually pass this final class this time lmaooo #I have pretty much all of the arrrc pages sketched I just got uhhhh erally distracted from doing the LINE art because my brain decided #to latch on HARD to the pieces au. to the point of making a dnd oneshot of it for a small group of friends that I'll run later #volo is a fucken delight in that au. charm turned up to 20 because he has nothing to lose and just wants some whimsy. #gene's trying really really hard to be an edgy lone wolf but unfortunately he's still gene which means he's bad at that #even in the postapocalypse he's like. 'hey I know you were just fighting me but do you want to. talk a bit 🥺 no im NOT lonely 😤'

[gideonisms]

Tamsyn: the iliac crest is like a ragged shoreline

Me, not knowing what the fuck that means: soo true 😭 the cinnamon topography 💯💯💯

#tamsyn: she kissed her on her frontal sinus #me struggling to remember where we keep those: omg 😭😭💯😭 she kissed her nose and/or forehead probably 💯😭😳 #really plumbing the depths of the semester i spent trying to remember any scientific terminology at all while #working full time at the grocery store and keeping myself from jumping off something #yeah there wasn't much in my brain at that point. only homosexuality and stress

[jittyjames]

i'm scared to talk about them bc every time I talk about fic plans I somehow always end up hating them and never posting bc I feel like I've overhyped them and people are going to think I'm weird and cringe and suck, BUT I'm really excited about whump: the musical and I want to post my fics now but I can't :(((((

#just screaming to myself about these fics ig #not overhyping or hyping anything at this point anymore bc everything I actually like flops horrendously #I don't want to let people's reactions affect my work but lately I've just been like.... WOW MY FICS ARE A BUNCH OF SHIT #been in a creatively stunted hole since like #...mid october #one trick pony at it again ig #in the words of lin #come on brain think of things come of brain be so smart #I think writing academic papers like crazy at the end of the semester kind of burnt me out??? #like I feel like all of my work is lacking heart and idk how to fix it??? I feel like I come off as more clinical and formula based #idk this has just turned into a rant #someone give me advice pls #maybe I should write more riskily or something #BUT WHAT IS RISKY IDK #maybe I just need to have fun and write what I like and to hell with the rest of it

[spacey-png]

^saw a post with Sumerian art and almost tagged to with some dumb shit because I got so excited

#LISTEN. LISTEN. SUMERIAN AND MESOPOTAMIAN ART MAKES ME GO CRAZY I SEE IT AND MY BRAIN DOES SOMETHING #My art history class last semester did nothing but make me such a fucking loser nerd about ancient art #I will see pointed arches and immediately be like ‘oh that’s gothic architecture!’ and get so happy #<- gothic art isn’t technically ancient but yk #MY BESTIE SHOWED ME A PICTURE THEY TOOK IN AN IRISH CATHEDRAL EARLIER AND I HAD TO STOP THEM TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT PERIOD THE ART WAS #(99% sure it was Byzantine) #spacey speaks #if I was confident enough in the art history at my school I’m telling you I would get a minor in it. if they offered any classes that were- #deep diving into Sumerian and Mesopotamian art I would take that in a heart beat

[themagical1sa]

"i like you and i blame you for making me feel this way" he said

i still think about it

#isa and the y/n experience #isa go to sleep challenge #except i Can't because i am going through a story arc for real right now #his squish for me evolved into a crush i think #like. romantic interest and alladat jazz. the whole shebang #i feel like this has been a long time coming and whatever happened last sunday was just his tipping point #i didn't want to assume anything (God. me and this specific sentence. I think we've found the theme for the story /j) so i just #let things happen first because i needed to be Certain (this mfing word too. guys I've figured out the plot theme /j) #im ngl i had an anxious voice in my brain going 'don't fall in love with me' for the past several months #but now that i'm dissecting it... there's a lot going on with why i had that string of thought #i'm very hyperaware of the dynamics shifting over time (especoally rn when i'm not enrolled for this semester) #not to mention my thing for crushie which has added conflict on top of the dynamics shift #we haven't interacted very much but i still have affection for him... yet on the other hand squishie's squishing me so hard i'm a crush now #the dynamics have changed #and then there's squishie's backstory that i will never detail so long story short: he's been on the receiving end of toxic relationships #and i've managed to become a major turning point that made him realize that he can be happy again #i've got a lot on my mind can u tell HAHA #i'm thinkin' abt alladis on top of wanting to be more objectively productive with my time off college AAAAAAAA #this wattpad fanfic shoujo manga webtoon morning romcom disney aitcom is getting too real @_@ #shoutout to my besties especially seraph who contributed to that label #my life has never been the same since the moment classmate bestie clocked me as a living wattpad fanfic back in january 24 #augh #anyway. i'm gonna... try to brainrot abt something else HAHA #shoutout to hug anon #if u're still here: bestie a lot of things have happened since u were last here #they were one of the og crushie/isa supporters from tumblr HAHA

[astranauticus]

oh i absolutely gave myself way too much of a workload this semester but holy shit i finally have like... about 80% of that orv changgwi animatic down in concept and i am. cartoon villain cackling

#asto speaks #when (yes WHEN not IF) i get it done its gonna hurt so bad #i mean i dont think it'll get done *soon* cuz god my workload this semester is. something #but if my math isnt wrong the webtoon is only gonna get to chapter 188 (where i plan to cover up to in the animatic) in like june so #ive got time?? kinda?? anyway i literally *cannot* stop thinking about this fucking idea so mark my words i will get it done #also yes its going to hurt me to make too because i havent ever done an animatic for a full song yet #changgwi is one of those songs thats kinda impossible to split up idk #also because my BEST ideas are at exactly the beginning and ending of the song. convenient. #the ending was like my one major concern when i first thought of this idea actually cuz the part of the song that #originally made me think of orv was that second (third?) verse of like the spirit telling the story of its own death that felt very yjh idk #but i just had. no idea what to do with the second half of the song #but then i read the novel and chapter 188 hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat #and now that ending might be my favourite part of the whole project #>:) #big massive sorry to all my rwd mutuals btw i know there was a bit where i kept talking about making another rwd animatic #i do still have that sitting in my brain just cuz ive already animated a few segments of the song #i just dont reaaally have a full plan for the whole thing exactly so #by this point im just seeing if we get any DX-TR lore in s5 that might inspire me idk #project 2 electric boogaloo #stay tuned idk i have a bit of a proof of concept i plan to make this/next week #its funny actually cuz i got introduced to this song through an arknights animatic i saw on bb and i spent #honestly an embarrassing amount of time worrying if some of the ideas i have in my plan were just like. subconsciously stolen from that one #but i was like procrastinating schoolwork today and trying to plan out some stuff and just #went and looked up every changgwi animatic on bilibili i could find #and turns out the stuff i was worried id been stealing are honestly just like. common among *all* the stuff ive seen that use that song? #like cuz the official lyric video for the song is just so. stylistically *striking* a lot of genetic material from that just makes its way #into everything people make using that song like at this point the monochrome red colour scheme and like #ending on a backwards timelapse (?) through the vid is basically like scenes a faire for any changgwi animatic LMAO

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

looking at all the cute v-day fics that everyone is posting knowing full well that I've lost the motivation to write and read fic lately

#maybe I'll get my mojo back at some point #but likely not before my school semester ends #my brain feels like a dry sponge #empty #full of PORES

[merps]

thinking back to my Jewish film class in last semester of college and how mid semester we got to around to post Holocaust and the idea of Zionism came up and somehow I was the only one against it. Like with one of the films I get how it was propaganda and p good one at it, and the term seemed to be new to a lot of ppl, but like..... I was the only one who raised my hand in opposition of it. And I recall feeling that sense of doubt did I maybe have the wrong idea? But I made the argument about the existing Palestinians and how it was harmful towards them, idr the full details but p sure I was the only one who brought it up.

this is all to say I keep thinking back to that one day in class and wonder how it'd go down now, though even then when bringing up some of previous incidents in Palestine, if it was presented as a film format would my classmates act differently? probably yes, the original film wasn't explicitly anti-Palestine but just v much that sense of nationalism was still there and no space for implications. as is propaganda ig

#merples #I liked the prof and she liked the points I brought to class but man. that session is still lodged in my brain #mid semester as in ig early March before full shut down so it was one of the last in person sessions #honestly Quinn brought a lot of it into my radar/awareness and reading her thoughts + looking into sources I deeply appreciate #it was a once a week seminar class so class meetings were like 2hrs long minimum

[mrsmarlasinger]

Hmmmmmmmm quick question! What do you do when your executive dysfunction has reached such a critical state that you:

are actively ignoring things you desperately need to do

are ghosting your employers (even though you can make it all go away by doing the one thing you most need to do: send an email and QUIT)

have almost three dozen notifications that you can't even bring yourself to look at

completely unironically have done nothing but sleep and flip between two apps for days

are fucking up your professional/financial future even though you need to move out in a matter of months

✨and✨

are paralyzed by anxiety that keeps mounting to increasingly unsustainable heights

YET

you GENUINELY CANNOT figure out how to PHYSICALLY FORCE YOUR BODY to do the (extremely short, extremely important) list of things you keep telling yourself you're going to do

because at this point you can't even shower or change the clothes you've been wearing for days on end?

Asking for a friend. I'm the friend.

#i'm actually really really scared at this point #i don't know what to do i can't get unstuck i feel like i'm being fucking possessed by a demon of sloth or something (idk i'm not catholic) #the last time this happened THIS badly was a year ago in my last semester of college #i literally was not going to graduate bc I couldn't finish my online course and i was every day paralyzed with fear but i COULDN'T #eventually i sat down once for 8 hrs straight and once for 27 hrs straight and knocked it out in two sittings. how did i do that #i feel like i have no control over myself. all i am all the time is tired and miserable and scared and i can't stop sleeping i just can't #i sleep through every single day and i can't stop it. i can't even stop myself from eating chips and candy and fucking bullshit like that #i'm literally just in what feels like a crisis but it's the most static passive crisis on earth and looks from the outside like NOTHING #like you talk to me and think i'm fine and just being really lazy but inside i am panicking and i hate myself but i'm STUCK #idk what to do like i honestly wish i had meth or coke at this point lol. anything to force my brain out of this fucking static haze #i think i'll pound some kratom. red to gloss over the anxiety‚ white for energy. just parachute a couple grams and cure it. i hope. #god you have no idea what i'd do just to get off tumblr and reddit for ten minutes #personal #executive dysfunction #adhd #depression #actually adhd #actually depressed #untreated adhd #vent #vent tw #vent cw #tw vent #cw vent #mental illness #mental illness tw

[cinnamontoads]

wonder what easy past fandom my brain is gonna latch onto near the end of next semester when i’m swamped with projects and all day film shoot schedules again and just wanna come back to my room and put on something easy and rot

#that’s the reason i had a south park renaissance last semester #it was so easy to turn my brain off to so i wonder what’s next #i doubt it will be one piece because by that point let’s be real i’ll have given up on one piece #also op stresses me out to no end 50% of the time

[un-pearable]

yes i became club prez despite self describedly ditching cultural anth bc i’m too socially anxious for it. i have a stupid ego i can’t get rid of and when i feel like people think i’m competent and in control i’m fine and can micromanage groups of people and when i’m not i cry about it

#dept chair gave me a weird look when i said i had social anxiety. GIRL I KNOW IT DOESNT LOOK IT #IF I HAVE PEOPLE IMPRESSED BY ME OR LOOKING UP TO ME MY STUPID BRAIN GOES WOW YEAH WE CAN HANDLE RHIS. if not it spits out so much cortisol #and like. yeah i can interact w her normally now. only bc i’ve known her for a year by this point. and i didn’t say SHIT the whole semester #i actually had her for a class. it’s an ordeal

[martsonmars]

desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe

#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study #am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more #than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it #it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since #my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i? #after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more? #i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm #supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic #and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did #absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the #hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester #and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to #study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't #so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to #actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing #but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days #it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life #right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts. #please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things #if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax #any other comment would make me feel worse #💖💖💖 #**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer #and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i #said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)

[elytrafemme]

long theoretical post about my friend hugging me

like. to dissect a matter that none of you are involved in and then i'll delete in the morning: my friend in college hugged me about ten minutes ago and i don't understand why. he's a physically affectionate person so we knew it was bound to happen, it was a running joke between us that we'd like schedule our hug to happen. nothing extraordinary happened tonight. in the second half -- which is when i spent the most time with him -- i was so fucked up that i barely processed what was going on? i was listening to what he was telling me, he just rambled about stuff, and it's interesting and i could recite all of it if asked and the expression he made at each part, but there was absolutely nothing in my head. and he never asked if i was okay which i think he would have if he thought something was wrong, because he's done that before. and we were alone so he could have and there would have been zero consequences. but he didn't ask me what was wrong, so it's hard to assume that the hug was for emotional consolation reasons. he wouldn't have noticed me on the brink of tears, either, he's not that observant. i would have known if he had. and i didn't do anything truly kind to him today, i listened to him talk about his interests and we hung out for a while, but that's what we do all the time. nothing happened. there was the chair thing but i thought i played that off well, i tried to have a coherent narrative about it an hour later too so he would guess what i had hoped, and i think i was successful. he wasn't distressed, i would have known. and he was tired but he's been tired a lot before and he's never acted like this. so he had zero reason to hug me unless he maybe sensed that this entire time i just really fucking wanted him to hug me, but he wouldn't have, and i would never have voiced that, because i don't want him to see me at that level. but i needed that hug badly. and i don't understand why i received it.

#nightmare.personal #neg #he's the easiest person to be around i think. because there are a lot of conversation topics to have #and i understand the way his mind ticks pretty well at this point #that's going to change in spring semester. maybe. which is going to really suck. but it'll be okay. #nothing i offered him would differ from what anyone could give him is the issue #i'm really good at that. you don't really need to have a ton of anything to listen to people #it's just listening. and yeah i guess people are bad at that? but like. #i don't know. he could talk to literally anyone else. all of them could talk to literally anyone else and they actively do #part of my brain is trying to rationalize myself into calming down but the other half is the one i want to indulge because #fuck. fuck. i can't do this forever. #like someday i have to snap right. i can't keep doing this. it's like a time loop. #this always happens and i only vaguely remember tomorrow but it'll happen two days after and it'll be bad #and i will always want to crack under pressure but never do #and if nothing's wrong with me why the hell am i like this? #i wish he didn't hug me. i should have got my book and fucking left. #i only waited because i was getting the book back from his roommate who was off calling his girlfriend #but honestly. that guy even though he's my friend. if he saw me crying he'd do nothing #because i don't think he would care even slightly. we're good friends now i'd say. he would not care. #at least this happened in a pretty way. that's something huh.

[littlekingbergara]

heyyy i am just a meaningless anon but i am pretty close in age to you and feel like i'm in a pretty similar situation and i think as hard as it sounds, you just gotta do what's best for you and not worry about the job bc at the end of the day, you're right, it isn't your responsibility and it's not your burden to be miserable when you owe them nothing. they're gonna be okay and you're gonna be okay and i'm gonna be okay and i'm rooting for you!

thank youu this is so sweet 🥹 my moving date is Set no matter when i quit! so i am going! but i've never actually quit a job so it feels so big and scary. i know it will be okay for me because it has to be. this is the first thing i'm doing that's my choice and completely on my terms and doesn't feel like jumping into a pit of The Unknown.

you will be okay too! our twenties are all about big things and learning who we are and what we need and what we can do and sometimes that means hard and scary things so we can do fun stuff later.

i'm rooting for all of us too. 🫶💗

#anon #💌 #ive Left jobs ofc. but it's always been because i had to. #my first job i left for college. then my between semester summer jobs i obv also left for college. #so it's just something that im not very practiced at bc theres always been the understanding that im here for a set amount of time. #btw less the point but i think about every ask ive ever gotten so you are Not a meaningless anon you will take up space in my brain forever