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#my brain has been doing what it wants lately
masterstr0ke · 1 day
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Hihi, i wanted to make a request (if it’s open) Your last aventurine and welt pieces were beautiful 🩷
Dr ratio hasn’t gotten the time to spend time with you lately and he works hard, but you are his supportive spouse so you bring him snacks and remind him to take breaks in between and kiss the cheek of his alabaster head as a treat (he has it on) before you do your own work. Now all he can think about is you for the rest of the day (perhaps he would have preferred it on his skin too)
If you don’t write for him that’s fine ^^
No need to rush, tyt! ☁️
YOU KNOW I’M SUCH A FOOL FOR YOU.
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HUSBAND!RATIO x GN!READER
WARNINGS: annoyed Ratio, jealousy over an inanimate object (?), drowning in work. 2nd person POV (you/yours/yourself)
WORD COUNT: 494
AUTHOR NOTE: i know what you are👀
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The day was slow at the Intelligentsia Guild, especially for the infamous Dr. Ratio.
Since the day began, all he has been doing is deal with insufferable morons with a worn-out shoe for a brain! Such imbeciles, Ratio believes time is precious, but unfortunately his students are dumb enough to waste it, even dumber to waste his time by asking how old he is or if he’s single or not.
Those fools don’t have to know that at-work Dr. Ratio is different than at-home Veritas, and can’t they figure out the question themselves by paying the slightest bit of attention to the silver band on his left hand’s ring finger? His attitude should’ve intimidated them enough for their minds to not go beyond the assumption that all he does at home is shower, eat work and sleep.. right? At least, that’s what he thinks.
However, he hasn’t been paying enough attention to the beautiful person sharing the other ring with him; the one he said his vows to. All he does when he goes back home is shower, eat, work and sleep. That’s it. He doesn’t even have time to glance your way, and that angers him.
He put on his alabastor head; His expression was too sour to welcome anyone who dares enter his office besides higher-ups. And just as he was about to start working in peace, a knock erupted at his office’s door, great. Ratio grumbled quietly. “Come in.” He spoke in an authoritative tone, expecting this to be a higher-up or an idiot student.
You open the door, a box in your hand, and a wide smile that rivals the sun in its shiny glory. “Veritas!” You call out as a greeting, before rushing to his desk. “I know you’re busy, so I’ll make this quick. You forgot your lunch at my office,” Oh, so that’s where his lunch went. You also worked at the Intelligentsia Guild, also being a teacher of high regard. Opposites attract, they say. All of your students love you, and you’re friends with everyone; An obvious contrast from your husband. You place the lunchbox on his desk with your left hand, the band on your ring finger glistening in the sunlight, the source being the window behind Veritas’ chair.
You then lean in and kiss the cheek of the alabastor head, then the lips. It wasn’t enough, since the head lacked the warmth of skin, but you were content. You give him a smile before you head out the door, just like that.
Ratio slowly took off the alabastor head, looking at it in disgust as if it owes him something. It does, it took away his lover’s kisses. As childish as it sounds, he’s been craving a kiss for a while. He supposes he has to wait until he goes back home, maybe he’ll get all the kisses he wants. In exchange of his work being put aside, even for a little while.
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cardboardheartss · 1 day
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Min Hee Jin vs HYBE Scandal Interview
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⚠️DISCLAIMER! TAROT CARDS ARE NOT 100% ACCURATE! TAKE EVERYTHING WITH A GRAIN OF SALT! IF MY INTERPRETATIONS ARE INCORRECT FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME!⚠️
Q : How are you feeling today? (QoW rx)
A : Well… I’m pissed off to be honest. I don’t know if I should be paranoid or continue fighting. I am aware that I’m causing a major uproar on social media but what else can I do?
Q : How do you feel about your secrets all being revealed lately? (5oC, 4oS, AoS, Devil rx)
A : I’m actually quite disappointed, I really didn’t think my secrets would ever be revealed to the public. I feel like running away and hiding because I’m too overwhelmed at the moment. I truly do feel embarrassed but I’m also glad I could finally be free from this company.
Q : Why did you partake in all of this shady work? ( 3oW rx, 10oS)
A : I was too impatient… I wanted to make quick money and prove to other companies that my ideas were actually unique and wil bring me successful but unfortunately my impatience completely backfired on me.
Q : Do you feel betrayed by “That guy?” (Horizontal 7oS)
A : Well… it’s 50/50 to be honest. I could say i feel betrayed but not really. I already knew he was a bad person overall, people in the industry know this guy and how much of a thief he is. But once again… I just wanted the money and now he tipped off that company.😒
Q : Do you think the reason why you got exposed was all rooted from misogyny? (7oP & WoF)
A : No lol! People in the company are just jealous their concepts and groups weren’t gaining attention and success so they decided to sabotage me.
Q : What are your thoughts on HYBE CEO’s at this moment? (4oP, 2oS, QoP, 3oC)
A : Well… they are just a bunch of money hungry dudes who wanted to steal my creations… I did not want to give them my concepts at all and I honestly should’ve been more wary because look now… we all have caused major disruption.
Q : Any words to the NEWJEANS members? (Hermit, Empress, 3oS rx, PoP rx)
A : Umm… firstly, i truly believe we all might have to part ways and I would like to apologize to all of you. I should’ve thought smarter and found safer ways to create all of our successes. I was supposed to be your motherly figure, who’d be there for you guys and continue creating beautiful projects together but instead I was really self centered and money hungry. I really don’t want to go but I have no choice but to, I’m aware it’s going to be a bit of a struggle having to heal from all of this. So many things are going to be changing for better and worse because this industry is just… full of crap but once again I am truly sorry to all 5 of you… I truly should’ve used this darn brain and my heart too.
Q : Any words for the other HYBE groups? (Magician rx, Hanged Man rx, 4oW, 10oC rx, PoC rx, QoS, 9oW rx, Death rx, 4oC & 10oW rx)
A : Eh… y’all cool I guess. To be honest I really have no words to any of them. I’m just quite unhappy and critical as to how your CEO’s used my ideas for your concepts. And good luck with continuing to having disharmony amongst each other and having creative blocks as a whole.
Q : What are your plans once this situation has “calmed down?” (Emperor, KoC, KoS rx, AoS rx, 5oC)
A : Umm… right now, I’m thinking of the present. I’m still trying to take in all of this drama and even possibly thinking of walking away for good.
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god-of-fandoms · 3 days
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Here it is - a scene from my familiar faces au! I hope you enjoy it!
Tw: cursing, eye trauma, mentions of arranged marriage
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Nya grunts in pain as she's thrown to the floor for what seems like the fiftieth time tonight. Scrap N' Tap is always rough - she has her growing collection of scars to account for that - but tonight seems different. Colder, somehow, and so much harsher than ever before. Her ribs are bruised to hell and the blood filling her mouth indicates that she's lost a tooth. The chuckling of the crew slowly falls silent, and her blood begins to run cold as a shadow looms in front of her.
Of fucking course. Why else would the pirates stop holding back unless he wanted something?
"Oh, my dear," and FSM the way Nadakhan calls her that in his sickly sweet tone just makes her want to throw up, "I can tell you're tiring of all of this. Why don't you just give in and stop all this pain?"
Nya spits out a mouthful of blood (and what she's almost certain is one of her incisors) at the djinn. "For the last time, dickbag," she hisses at his disapproving glare, "I'm not wishing for shit."
Nadakhan sighs as he floats closer, ignoring her attempts to flinch back. One thing she’s learned since being stuck on the misfortune? The captain has no fucking sense of personal space. It’s a trait that makes her shiver with disgust, especially when conversation circles back to the reason theyre stuck in this tango.
Speaking of which…
“My crew have been searching day and night, and your friends are still nowhere to be found.” Nadakhan’s golden eyes steadily burn a hole into her soul. She looks away, favoring the sight of her blood dripping onto the deck over that of the djinn’s face. “It seems that they are particularly good at hiding where I cannot see. But, my dear, you’ll come to find-” he grabs Nya’s throat in a bruising grip, ripping a strangled gasp from between her teeth as she's choking again, she can't breathe she can't breathe she can't breathe - "I always find what I'm looking for eventually. The other ninja will be in my grasp within the month, and once I have them? They will know pain like nothing they have known before, I swear to you."
He throws her to the floor once again. Her bruised ribs cry out in agony, but the feeling of air entering her lungs again drowns out the now familiar pain. A calloused hand finds its way to her hair, twisting a loose strand, and once again Nya has to fight back the urge to vomit.
"It doesn't have to be that way if you could just tell me where to find them. I can be merciful, and while it cannot be denied that I used to despise you for destroying Djinjago, it was not your intention to do so. Ever since you joined us-" ha, joined as if my only other choice wasn't to let you have him - "I have found it harder to argue against your usefulness. You would make a brilliant pirate, my dear."
Nya gives the djinn no response other than a scoff. She would rather die a million times than to see the day she'd willingly take orders from this son of a bitch. He sighs and turns his back on her, floating towards the center of the Scrap N' Tap arena. She wishes she had a knife to plunge into his spine.
"Your friends would not need to suffer, either, as long as they agreed to cooperate as well. I could let you all help me in my rule over Ninjago. It is... unfortunate that your brother and the nindroid were too late for this deal, but once I have my Delara back and receive infinite wishes I could be persuaded to bring them back-"
"HIS NAME IS JAY, YOU BASTARD!"
Nadakhan freezes. The rest of the crew falls eerily silent as well. Nya has been in control of water long enough to know that this is what it feels like in the calm before a raging storm.
"What did you just say to me?" The djinn asks, his words knife sharp. He turns to face her once again, and shit he's fucking enraged. It takes everything in Nya to glare back at him when her brain is telling her it's not safe run away DANGER RUN-
"His name is Jay, not Delara. I don't give a shit that he looks like your dead fucking fiancee - they could be twins for all I care - that doesn't change the fact that he's his own person. Delara is dead, Captain, and I'd rather gouge out my own eye than let you marry him because you think it will bring her back."
Nadakhan's nostrils flare as he flies towards her, arm outstretched as if to hit her. Nya can't help it - she flinches away, squeezing her eyes shut as she waits for the blow to come.
It doesn't.
After a few tense seconds, she looks up again. Nadakhan floats there, a peaceful look across his face as if he hadn't appeared ready to end her fucking life a moment before. Has he somehow managed to calm himself down
"Let me get this straight, my dear," and nope, he's even more angry than he was before, if the way his words drip with icy venom are a hint of his current emotional state, "Despite what you say about your precious Jay, I'd know my beloved anywhere. He may go on believing that he is not her, but once I have him in my grasp - and I will have him - he'll be whoever I say he is. And once I wed him and gain infinite wishes, I will be able to bring back the soul of my beloved Delara from the departed realm. With her spirit in his body, we will be reunited at last!"
Nya has to actively fight her nausea as she looks at the djinn's dreamy expression. Pure unadulterated horror courses through her. She knew that the djinn wanted to marry Jay under the delusion that he was a reincarnation of his bitchass fiancee, but for him to blatantly admit that he didn't give a single shit about Jay's thoughts and feelings on the matter - to admit to his plan of letting Delara permanently possess his body??? - makes her actively sick.
"You're a monster," she gasps, and it only makes him grin sadistically. "Jay will never marry you! He'll fight back every step of the way, and so will I!"
"My dear, Jay doesn't get a choice. No matter what, I will wed him and we will rule Ninjago together. And as for you..." His grin only grows wider as he looks away from her to admire the gleaming metal of his hook. He gestures to Dogshank and before she knows it the beast of a woman is restraining her, and despite her struggling she won't budge. "You're very against this wedding, aren't you? In fact, if my memory hasn't betrayed me, I recall you saying you'd 'rather gouge out your own eye than let me marry him'.
Nya freezes. The djinn is getting closer, too close, and the way he's gazing at his hook sends a bolt of terror through her. "I - I didn't actually mean that!" she stutters as her efforts in struggling against Dogshank double in intensity. She's completely unable to move, however, and her breathing gets harder and faster as Nadakhan raises the curved blade to just above her left eye. He wouldn't really, would he?
Nadakhan pauses, golden eyes roaming over her terrified face with amusement. "You didn't?" He asks, faux disappointment drowning his voice. He begins to pull away his hook, and the sigh of relief she lets out is embarrassingly audible.
"I guess I'll just have to do it myself, then!"
The hook pierces her eye.
The pain is instant and blinding. it's so much worse than every other injury she's faced as a ninja. It courses through her veins, hot and heavy, with no sign of stopping.
The hook digs deeper and though she can't hear anything she knows she lets out a scream as she feels it tear through her eye, ripping through nerves and tissue. The pain whites out her brain, she can't think of anything else, she can't breathe, she can't see-
It feels like minutes of agony as the blade twists and digs through her eye socket, hell bent on causing as much pain as possible. It's working. She simultaneously can't feel anything but her eye and feels every inch of her body as all of her nerves echo with pure blinding excruciation.
Then the hook freezes, and she's only given a brief reprieve from the pain before it yanks out of her socket, taking her eye with it.
The blinding pain overwhelms her again as nerves are ripped from the space her eyeball occupied moments before. Through her ringing ears, she can hear someone screaming. A minute later, she realizes that those are her cries.
She's dropped unceremoniously to the floor by Dogshank, where she lies in a growing pool of her own blood. The pain is still coursing though her, but it slowly ebbs... along with her consciousness.
Through rapidly closing eyes - eye, she only has one now - she can see Nadakhan as he floats towards her crumpled form. He lifts her chin gently, seemingly admiring his handiwork. Not has never been this tired. At this point, the pain is set aside as her body shuts down. Nadakhan tuts at her visible exhaustion and wipes away her tears (when did she start crying? She can't bring herself to care).
"Poor girl," he mumbles, his mournful tone a sharp contrast to the (rapidly blurring) smirk on his face. "This wouldn't have had to happen if you had just told me what I wanted to know."
Fuck that. She gathers the last of her strength as she glares at him and rasps, "'m not tellin' you shit".
Nadakhan scowls, but it quickly turns into a self satisfied smile. "Even in a time like this, you still have your fire. Good. And as for you 'not telling me shit', I believe you now. But mark my words, my dear..."
Nya is drifting off; Nadakhan's voice is getting more and more muffled as she sinks into her exhaustion. The last thing she hears are the djinn's parting words to her.
"Jay and the rest of your friends will be mine eventually. In fact, I doubt I'll have to look much longer. I guarantee you that they'll come to me themselves."
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SO DO WE LIKE IT
this took me a crazy short amount of time compared to most of my writing. I'll have to thank @tornoleander for that because I listened to the girl with one eye (Florence + the machine) like you mentioned when talking abt my au and DAMN it got me in the mindset for this like nothing else lemme tell you. If there were to be a ff!au playlist at some point that would definitely be on it (along with nothing by Emily autumn because that gives me serious jay and nadakhan vibes lol)
Im probably gonna edit this soon because I'm so tired and this is probably shit rn. Bear with me though the typos fam.
anyway I really hope you all like this! Your feedback is always important to me so tell me what you think.
as always, feel free to ask me anything about this fic! I'm always happy to answer your questions :D
Thanks for reading this! I hope it makes you more excited about this au.
Have a lovely day!
-Lee :)
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mc who ships the kings with their nobles (its an excuse for leviforas)
Mc that ships the shippers with their kings
Overall, I think none of them would think much of it because all the nobles seem to have a crush on their kings. They would mind if you started losing interest in their king because you percieve them to be in a relationship.
Paimon would, like always, be the chiller one about this whole thing. While he sometimes gets angry at his fellow shippers, he'll never get angry at you unless you do something really really stupid. Shipping him with Satan is just kind of silly in his view. He might humor you a bit, but he'll shortly cut all your hopes when he says that he has no romantic feelings for Satan and never will. Doesn't want to give you too much false hope, he just wishes you'll put your sights on what really matters.
Eligos would be dumpfounded. The whole interaction was like
Eligos: Mc! I'm so glad I've found you! I've prepared a nice bow for you to wear on your stroll with his majesty Mammon.
Mc: I'm sure Mammon likes ribbons a lot. I mean, with how close the two of you are... he sure has a thing for small cute things.
Eligos: Oh, he totally does! That's why I will make you the cutest being in Hell... behind me, of course.
Mc: No, don't worry. I don't want to tempt your man.
Eligos: My... what?
Mc: Come on, it's obvious that you and Mammon have athing for eachother. The way he pets your head for longer than anyone else, the way he always calls you his. I bet you have a full collection on lingerie just for him.
Eligos: I do, but no! No no no! I'm not in love with his majesty Mammon! Never!
Mc: First stage, denile
Eligos: First stage of WHAT?!?!?
Congratulation, you just broke Eligos' brain and made him take an emergency trip to Paradise Lost to get checked for whatever illness you implyied he had.
Foras gasps when he hears that and covers your mouth.
Foras: Mc, do you like breathing?
Mc nods
Foras: Good, then stop saying stuff like that. He always listens
Leviathan: Is this what you two are doing instead of sorting paperwork? The only reasons I allowed you two to stay together was because you're incompetent and Foras keeps getting distrected on his phone. I would strangle you both, but you're into it, you filth.
Foras: I apologise, great, powerful, handsome Leviathan for my wrong doings
Mc: I'm adding degredation to my newest fic
Leviathan: Don't flatter yourself a writer, I would never degrade Foras. He actually has qualities to speak of.
Foras: (I wish he degarded me as well)
Sorry, I've been too Leviathan possitive on my blog lately, I have to spread the hate
Amon would choke on his own spit. On one hand, hot, yes, he does want to get revaged by his king. On the other hand, that would be illegal because you're already with him. Amon is delusional, partly because he's starving, partly because that's just how he is. He would try to talk you out of it out of genuioun fear that he is breaking the law.
Gamigin would be repulsed. Lucifer is his brother, why would you ship him with his sibling? Please stop, he's really uncomfortable by the whole idea.
Mc: You know, I've been thinking about you and Lucifer recently
Gamigin: Really?! What about?
Mc: You'd look lovely together. He's so nice to you, I bet he likes you well enough in bed.
Gamigin.exe stopped working
Marbas: You need to leave!
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This week’s writer spotlight feature is:  MuseumGiftShopEraser! They have 9 works on AO3 in the Stranger Things Fandom, and 6 of those are in the Steddie tag!
Our anonymous nominator recommends the following works by @museumgiftshoperaser:
Paint the Devil on the Wall
Conversations About Love
Now I'm A Stranger
An Exercise In Denial
Baby, You Were Meant To Follow Me
Her fics are BEAUTIFUL. When I first read Paint the Devil on the Wall I was so obsessed I immediately recced the fic to everyone I knew who would be vaguely interested in a steddie fic. -- anonymous
Below the cut, @museumgiftshoperaser answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!
Why do you write Steddie?
I stumbled into it immediately after season 4 came out. I’ve felt very attached to Steve as a character from the beginning of the show and I think I was subconsciously waiting for someone to pair him up with. I think they’re both such great characters to explore themes of dealing with expectation (either by conforming, or fighting against it) and that’s something I always love to write about.
What’s your favorite trope to READ?
Absolute sucker for fake dating. Can’t get enough of it.
What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?
Enemies to lovers! Though now that I’m looking through my AO3 I haven’t actually written that much of it. It doesn’t have to be very intense enemies, though. I just like it when characters don’t immediately get along.
What’s your favorite Steddie fic?
My brain has been forever rewired by took you for a working boy by pukner. It’s such a gentle, nuanced queer story. It feels vulnerable to me in a way that really only fanfiction can be. Can I sneak in another one?? Because everyone should also absolutely read the shame is on the other side by scoops_ahoy. It taps into this very specific kind of queer compartmentalizing, that I’ve never seen written this well. It broke my heart and patched it right back up.
Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?
I’ve been stupidly busy with my masters lately so there’s probably not a lot of writing on my horizon. I do have a wip called Doll that I’m slowly chipping away at. It’s a little darker than stuff I’ve written before. I know ‘dark’ isn’t really a trope, but I’m excited to see if I can push these characters a little further. 
What is your writing process like?
Absolute chaos. I write non-chronologically, without an outline, all in the same document. I keep writing snippets and scenes until the whole thing slowly comes together. 
Do you have any writing quirks?
Italicizing words for emphasis. I love it so much, you can rip it from my cold dead hands. It accidentally makes its way into my academic writing for my degree sometimes which is a little embarrassing, but I just love the flair of it. 
Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?
I don’t really do schedules, it doesn’t work for me at all. I try to make sure I have a decent amount of the story written before I start posting to give me a bit of a head start, but forcing myself to finish something by a certain date is a surefire way to kill my motivation.
Which fic are you most proud of?
Probably Paint the Devil on the Wall. It was the first time I’d written the entire story before I started posting so it went through way more rounds of editing than normal. I think you can really tell. It’s also the longest story I’ve ever written (in general, even outside of fanfic). The whole project gave me a lot of confidence as a writer.
How did you get the idea for Paint the Devil on the Wall?
I knew I wanted to participate in the Bigbang and the deadline was coming up, but I still didn’t have an idea. I decided to work backwards and try to think of something that would be fun for the artist(s) to draw. I had a vision of Eddie wearing dungarees without a shirt, absolutely covered in paint and I knew I had to write something to make it happen. I set the story in 80s New York because neo expressionism is really the only kind of art I could see Eddie making. I think it suits him very well. I do actually have a background in art, though! I’m currently getting my MFA, but I’ve worked full time as an artist for several years before that. I had a lot of fun working my passion for art (and all those art history classes I had to take) into the fic.
When writing Paint the Devil on the Wall, what was something you didn’t expect?
All of Steve’s character, to be honest. The fic is written from Eddie’s POV and for a large part of it he has a very hard time figuring out what Steve’s deal is. Right alongside him, I also had an incredibly hard time figuring out his character. It wasn’t until I was working on the final chapter that he finally clicked for me. I realized very late, just like Eddie, that Steve liked him from the very beginning. Most of the enemies to lovers premise was all in Eddie’s head.
What inspired Now I'm a Stranger?
Oh boy, that was forever ago! I remember I started writing it while I was camping with friends because I liked having something to do after everyone went to bed at night. I think I had the idea for that very first scene where Steve doesn’t remember Eddie and it all sort of spiraled from there.
What was your favorite part to write from An Exercise in Denial?
That was the very first fic I wrote, right after season 4 came out! I’ve never written something that fast, I think the whole thing took me less than a week. My favorite part was probably Robin being completely exasperated with both of them. They’re such complete idiots in that fic.
How do/did you feel writing Baby, You Were Meant To Follow Me?
Ahhh… I never got around to finishing that one. I probably never will, to be honest. I wrote the first two parts quite quickly and then the idea I had for the plot spiraled out of control and I realized I didn’t actually feel like writing the rest of it. There were going to be a lot of misunderstandings and I learned that I find that an incredibly frustrating trope to write (when done for drama at least. For comedy, I’m a sucker for misunderstandings.) So I guess I felt a little in over my head.
What was the most difficult part of writing Conversations About Love?
The ending! That fic is so incredibly personal to me and I knew from the beginning that I wanted it to have a very sappy, happy ending. It was important to me to write an aromantic character getting everything they wanted, but I realized as I was writing it that I don’t actually fully know what that means. So it took a bit more soul searching than fics typically do, but it was very much worth it. 
Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?
I still think the short little prologue for Paint the Devil on the Wall is the best thing I’ve written. “You don’t draw on things that aren’t yours, baby” is probably the best summary I have for that story.
Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?
Not really!
Thank you to our author, @museumgiftshoperaser, and our anonymous nominator! See more of @museumgiftshoperaser works featured on our page throughout the day!
Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!
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dawnthefluffyduck · 2 months
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Drawing from class two weeks ago, prof was introducing us to photoshop because not everyone had used it before, so those of us that were already familiar with it were goofing off lol
Small update; I have recently been given courage to come out and say that this blog will be temporarily put on hold. I'm not falling behind in my studies per se, but they've become such a massive source of stress that I can't focus/don't have time to draw for myself lately. I can confidently say my mental health is the worst it's been since last year; guilt for not talking to people and for not being more active on here is eating me alive, so I think it's best if I take at least one of those pressures off of myself.
When I'm back I'll likely have some classwork to show off, and maybe if the stars align, some personal drawings too haha. Until then, I'll still be somewhat active on my alt (@dawntheduckrb) and might even post some doodles there, so feel free take a peeksies if you want :D (posts are all over the place there though, so don't follow if you don't want dash clutter lol)
Sorry for any worry I caused; see y'all in May :)
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sysig · 1 year
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Greetings, human! ♥ (Patreon)
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goldiipond · 7 months
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whatever man!! whatever man!! whatever man!! wh
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ankhisms · 8 months
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can i be emotionally vulnerable with you all in the torture dungeon
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milflewis · 2 months
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#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it#my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with#and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l#lovely?#bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am#glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone#since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life#he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even#harder now. in others he is easier.#he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken#about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better#my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he#hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his#personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the#nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off#he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he#still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay#long when you call in to see her?#whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael.#not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart#i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him
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sailor-aviator · 7 months
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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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chiropteracupola · 1 year
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the wind and sea do follow thee /
and all the ledges calling thee...
#em draws stuff#treasure island#squire trelawney#doctor livesey#selkie au#it's been long and long but I've had these two on the brain lately#and because my current fic is un-illustratable for several reasons I decided to pop back over to an old favorite#'peter kagan and the wind' has been my song for calming down lately and it's a very similar vibe to what I want out of the selkie au#it has actually been eight months since I've drawn trelawney and I've decided to change up his design after years and years#liking the new shapes (which I can actually draw well I think)#specifically right where his neck and shoulder meet - it's closer to how he's built in my head than I've ever captured before#and I've been liking the more defined pockmarks that I do on alan so I've decided to bring those over#I'd always intended for some similar stuff texture-wise on trelawney but I wasn't being very confident in it so it was difficult to see#but in the end this is just me splashing all manner of things that I like for these two into one drawing#good saturated purples and my best attempt at those mignola-esque gravestones and a try at capturing how tom harpernovakaine writes them...#this whole thing went through many moments of looking unsalvageable but in the end it is probably one of my best drawings of them#I have a very early livesey drawing stuck to the back of the ol' ipad so it's really cool to hold that up and compare how far I've come#it's been an interesting three years and I think I'm a much more confident artist now!
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n0phis · 1 year
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Gay.
gonna use this ask i didn’t initially dignify with a response to say that not replying to the ask game anons is killing me oh my god. overarching post to everyone who sent one holy shit those are some of the coolest things ive ever heard. really really really incredibly immeasurably happy that i can help inspire some of u, AND that ive met so many cool ppl in the community :] u guys slap
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shameboree · 2 years
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u know when you get impostor syndrome but for shit like chronic pain. thats so weak. other ppl are out there like advocating for themselves and their fellow pain havers and im doubled over in an ikea refusing to take a brk or go home like THIS IS FAKE FOR ME ACTUALLY. I WILL MAKE IT TO THE PLANTS SECTION bc i am NOT valid. weak.
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warmspice · 3 months
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Thinking about a girl in my tutorial class last year who was soooso cool and that I wanted to be friends with soooo bad. and also how she lingered a bit after I was chatting with her but then had to chat with a friend I ran into... sigh..
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saltinesinsoup · 28 days
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aughh man its like. i want to watch something but nothing on youtube is good and everything being recommended to me feels like mindless slop but also i dont feel like there's any good shows out right now that i could watch and i also dont really want to rewatch anything and at its core i think im bored and a little bit creatively unfulfilled
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