#my brain's just gonna be in doctor who mode

[songmingisthighs]

what about dad!mingi or dad!yunho getting in an heated argument with pregnant!reader because of the children? the escalation in so quick that reader starts to have painful contractions and may go into labour.

ooooh i can get in on this

just to be clear, i'm not open to requests but if anything entices me, I'll try to make something

but tbh I got an idea after reading this. Wooyoung and his daughter trying to induce labour on his wife who's 3 days PAST due date by conducting a bunch of experiments lmaoooo

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[17.35] yunho × pregnant!reader

"You're not listening to me!" Yunho exclaimed as he muss up his hair out of frustration.

"I am! I so fucking am Yunho!" you replied, equally loud as he. Yunho exhaled sharply as he rubbed at his face harshly, "No, you're not because if you are, you'd stay put and stay rested!," he pointed out.

You had just gotten back from grocery shopping and once Yunho saw how sweaty and out of breath you are, he immediately went straight into panic mode. It wasn't that big of a deal. You couldn't wait until he comes back home to accompany you and you simply don't want to have to worry about Yunho forgetting what you need. So you simply went by yourself. On the bus. While pregnant with twins. And disregarding doctor's orders to stay in and rest because twin pregnancies are very tricky, a lot of things could happen in such a short span of time.

But what do doctors know? They tend to be wrong.

With his arms crossed in front of his chest, Yunho stared at you in disbelief, "You're due in two weeks and you know what the doctors said. Twins tend to come early and with your pregnancy being high risk, it's not stupid to fear that you might give birth in the cereal aisle of a grocery store," he scolded. You rolled your eyes before plopping onto the couch to give your feet some rest they really need. "You think I'm not aware of that? But I'm not reckless, okay? I know my limits and let's be honest here, the doctors said I need bed REST not bed CONFINEMENT," you scoffed. Yunho raised an eyebrow at you, "Really? Sex jokes??" "It wasn't a sex joke! You're just dirty-minded!" "Well, I'm sorry for having pent-up sexual frustration! I haven't had sex in four months and it's driving me crazy! It's bad enough I had to hold myself back, but with your boobs grown much bigger things have been much, MUCH more difficult!" he groaned.

Hearing him made you confused. Your eyebrows furrowed and your arms crossed in front of your chest, mirroring him, "Excuse me? No one told you to not have sex with me. I'm pregnant with children, Yunho, not a freaking bomb," you pointed out at him. "I know that! But the doctors told me to be careful and I just can't help but worry that I might hurt the babies!" he confessed. Yunho had been holding onto his fear for a while, he had never told you how much he blamed himself for putting so much burden on you and your body. But the frustration, anxiety, and fear messed with his brain to the point that he couldn't think clearly.

You both were silent for a moment, letting both of your words sink into each other's brains. Yunho broke the silence first with a chuckle, catching your attention. "You know, this is so you. You don't seem too worried about having babies. BABIES, (y/n), two at the same time! We have a LOT to worry about and you don't seem to be as concerned as me! Like when I started babyproofing our home, you told me I'm months too early to do it," Yunho couldn't help but let his fears out now. He opened the gate, he's gonna let anything out.

"Okay, first of all, you started babyproofing THE MOMENT we found out I was pregnant. Our babies still looked like tadpoles when you went all crazy," you huffed. Yunho glared at you with his left eye twitching, "Don't just call them babies, call them by their names," he said which made you roll your eyes, "Yeah, yeah, Yujin and Yeeun, whatever. But don't you see? It's not that I was too lax or anything, you're just too uptight! You worry about things you shouldn't even worry about yet! And for fuck's sake, Yunho we're having babies and not performing brain surgery. Babies are easy! You feed them, burp them, change their diapers, and rock them to sleep, it's not rocket science!" you were talking so fast, your brain barely caught onto the words your mouth let slip.

Due to talking so fast, you felt yourself getting a little out of breath again. You had to do your breathing exercises just to calm the two babies in you who had started to become agitated. "Look," you started once you calmed down slightly, "I'm not worried because I know we got this, okay? We've babysat Juri and Junhyung when Hongjoong was busy, we've taken care of a sick Sungchan when Seonghwa was stuck in his schedule, and for the love of god, we've taken care of drunk San, Mingi, and Wooyoung enough to be prepared for 4 am feedings and fussy babies," you pointed out, listing the things you've both done together to calm Yunho down. "So whatever this is," you motioned his whole body with your hand to make a point, "Is not about me and my parental instincts or whatever it is you're accusing me of. So you're gonna help me up so I can storm away to the toilet because these babies have your big heads and they're pressing onto my bladder," you said as you reached your hands out for him to help pull you up.

With a roll of his eyes, Yunho helped pull you up to your feet. He might be frustrated at you, but he's not cruel. He carefully took your arms in his and slowly pulled you to your feet. He couldn't say anything before you had walked (waddled) away.

"Where are you going?" Yunho asked. You cringed as you felt pressure in your stomach. Without turning around, you answered him, "To see a man about a horse," you spat. Unsure, Yunho stared at your retreating figure in confusion, "What?" he asked. You exhaled sharply and stopped in your steps to turn and look at him halfway, "I need to make my bladder gladder, Yunho. I told you I need to pee."

Just as you were about to take a step forward, a sharp pain pierced your stomach and you crumbled to the floor in pain.

Seeing this, Yunho's eyes widened and he immediately dove to your side. "(y/n)!" he exclaimed, hands shooting forward to support your head and stomach. He situated you to lay down on the floor with your head supported by his arm.

The shooting pain in your stomach had become unbearable and you were clearly in distress. "I- it hurts Yunho, i-it- oh, go-d," you winced. You were shaking your head, trying to shake the pain away but it was no use, the pain had become sharper and as the intensity increased, so does your worry. Thankfully, Yunho was quick on his feet and he called an ambulance to take you to the hospital.

As you both stayed in that position, you cradled in his arms and him holding you tightly while looking at each other, you both wordlessly came into an understanding that nothing else mattered at that moment. Suddenly, seeing you in pain after arguing in him trumped all of Yunho's other anxiety. He couldn't even remember what made him so frustrated with you in the first place. All that mattered now is that he's going to do anything and everything to make sure you and his babies are safe and sound.

taglist :

@rdiamond2727 @bobateastay @kodzukein @phenomenalgirl9 @skzatzloveismonsterous @memorymonster @forapollosol @dreamlesswonder86 @maddiebabyxoxo @imababywolf @do-you-actually-care @marievllr-abg @ilsedingsx @wasteitonserendipity @bbymatz @noonaishere @jo-hwaberry @honeyhwaaa @ateezourstars @yoonjunshi @yoongiigolden @camillelafaye @charreddonuts @jcngh0-hq @kpopnightingale @starryunho @atinct @cutie-wooyo @mirror-juliet @hyuckilstan @jayb17 @multihoe-net @kpoplover718 @imswitchbabemox @haatohwa @youngestdelacour

@seonghwarizon @chloepurpy

#smt answer #anon ask #ateez #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #ateez scenario #ateez imagine #ateez timestamp #ateez timestamps #ateez au #dad!ateez au #dad!au #kpop #kpop scenario #kpop scenarios #kpop imagine #kpop imagines #kpop timestamp #kpop timestamps #dad!yunho #jung yunho #yunho angst #ateez yunho #jeong yunho #yunho scenarios #yunho #yunho fanfic #smt scenarios #smt imagine #smt timestamp

[daringdarlingdt]

aajkdssfjnvopfc finally getting to the end of season 2 in my glacial-pace dr who rewatch and Army of Ghosts/Doomsday really are THE episodes ever. I was watching Fear Her right before and even just the ‘next time on’ for these episodes was getting me all anxious and now I’ve just finished army of ghosts and it’s like, oh ho ho you thought it was just gonna be a MASSIVE, WORLD-DOMINATING army of Cybermen they’d have to fight???? Guess again, bucko, bc here come the Daleks and they’re gonna absolutely demolish the cybermen in a roast-off so get ready for that. And also David tennant wears paper 3D glasses half the time and you’re not gonna be able to focus on the plot for that reason-- but meanwhile you know full well that tragedy is about to strike!!! You’re told right off the bat that this is the end of the rose+Doctor partnership. And just to really wring the most emotional impact out of it they’re giving them the absolute cutest moments imaginable. They are in true Inseparable Team Mode!!! And I’m watching them be adorable while my brain is skipping ahead to the beach scene and I want to frickin cry already just thinking about it. Russel T Davies you glorious bastard I’m so thrilled you’re running this ludicrous show again because they just don’t make tv like this anymore.

#dr who #rose tyler #tenth doctor #david tennant #rtd era #nia originals

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 6/13/2023

very games-centric week

listening

this opening bit samples bowie's life on mars and sounds like a piano cover of a half-remembered but still beloved childhood anime. like the kind you had a set of two VHS clamshells for but only episodes 4-6 and 10-12. it goes on the "lofi beats to data and entry to" playlist. spotify

-

reading

fallow week

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watching

the folks at waypoint games, formerly vice's leftist games vertical, BOUGHT THE BRAND FROM VICE and are rebranding as remap. i wish them all the fuckin best and i hope they succeed but i feel like we have maybe six months of this before one of them goes literally bankrupt from a doctor's visit bc healthcare is such a fuckin nightmare in this country. im simply not excited for starfield. i am not interested in corporate nasa

anyway i enjoyed their commentary, excited for compulsion games' southern gothic action/adventure spellcaster South of Midnight

neutrally optimistic about obsidian's Avowed, bc i do love obsidian but i do not love sword and sorcery rpgs

there's airships in microsoft flight simulator so i may genuinely buy one month of gamepass to try that out

capcom's path of the goddess looks fucking gorgeous but i have never played more than half an hour of a capcom game and i expect i never will. is this topdown? is this isometric? what the fuck is the gameplay mode??? who could FUCKING say

also there's a new jersey fallout 76 expansion coming at some point. in real life i hate atlantic city and i don't really how know this will look or play differently from point lookout. i don't know if i want to play a much-reviled cash cow mmorpg just to get postapoc jersey lore. if this leads up to 5 being set in nyc im going to be real pissed off. go somewhere DIFFERENT. there are DIFFERENT PLACES on the east coast!!! blease

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playing

viddy game can consistently turn my brain off enough that i forget im moving cross country in two weeks and can forcibly relax my body for twenty mintues at a time between packing boxes. so there's been a lot of pomodoro-ing, or my version which is: pack until i get so anxious i physically cannot pack anymore, go have a snack, go play twenty minutes of a video game, and then go pack until i am on the verge of a panic attack again. this is not healthy but all my books are packed. all of these were free on epic at some point btw which is why i own them

the first time i played Airborne Kingdom, i lost track of time and beat it in one sitting in eight hours. the second time i played Airship Kingdom, i replicated that exact experience. i have allied with all the kingdoms and have like two hundred souls on board but am not QUITE selfsufficient enough to take on the northern/artic sea DLC. stay tuned. soundtrack in this thing is great.

bounced VERY hard off Close to the Sun, a bioshock-lite i put about four hours/three levels into. a huge gilded age cruise ship where the science has Gone Wrong would normally be catnip to me, but the game did brutally kill the player character's sister in front of me in an unskippable cutscene so we're done with that game now THANK YOU. it is very slow, which i do like in a game that gives you this much stuff to look at, but there is no gamma control. this game is so fucking dark. i played it in a dark room with no lights and it was still too dark.

pinged off the typing exploration game Epistory despite its charming art, bc fast and accurate typing is something covid has taken from me.

rediscovered Carcassone (online) which is great bc i love Carcassone and own a physical copy of the board game but no one else in my life loves it. tile-building countryside-building game, seconds to learn, etc. thank you board game review even though there are no meeple in their natural habitat (the board) in this picture

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making

it's gonna be putting things into boxes for the forseeable future (the next week) and then living out of them for a while (the next two weeks after that)

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem #Bandcamp #Youtube

[deliriumzer0]

My theory about Genloss 1:TSE

I was gonna wait until the founder's cut came out for this, but I have to get this out of my system because it's chewing at my BRAIN and I've only seen one other person say anything similar to this.

Okay SO!

You know how on Doctor Who there's a lot of moving around the Doctor & their companions can do, and they have a decent amount of freedom when interacting with different time periods, but there are also Fixed Points in Time that cannot be altered, they are absolutely unavoidable, right?

I think in-universe in GenLoss, there are similar Fixed Points. Fixed story beats that MUST happen. I don't think the reason for Ranboo's NPC modes, stopping himself from tapping SOS, being unable to reach for the detonator, etc. were because of literal puppeteering by Showfall. And I don't think Hetch telling him to not leave the mall & not take off the mask are just him manipulating Ranboo. I think those things happened because they would have departed too much from the way the story needed to play out.

Why does it need to play out that way? Because they're literally trapped in that VHS tape. That tape is their ENTIRE existence, their ENTIRE universe. There's nothing outside the mall, and there's no time outside of the story loop. There would have never been any way to escape and return to the "real world."

All "joining the cast" means is getting recorded to the tape in the first place. Everyone there comes back because they can't really be gone until the tape ends.

Supplemental theories and implications:

What we saw on stream may have been taped over a movie that takes place in a mall, like Chopping Mall or Dawn of the Dead or something.

Since Ranboo has confirmed that GL!Ranboo had memories of his life before all this, there was a "before this" which implies that everyone in there got trapped in the VHS tape from the real world somehow, perhaps something like the superstition of cameras stealing a piece of your soul.

The post-credits hand, tv set, VCR, and tape collection are outside this VHS tape's bubble universe, and maybe where the founder and Gen 0 are? When Hetch said the founder chose him, it was the founder perhaps filming Hetch with a camcorder to put him on the tape in the first place.

Each new contestant is possibly the tape being taped over with a new person. Same games, new hero. And yeah I think Sneeg "failed" when he said no to the cooking game and Charlie "failed" at the mousetrap part. Before them though, I do think maybe Hetch chose who he wanted to join him in the tape, and Jerma/The Puzzler was one of the first.

Anyway, thoughts/refutations/"yes, and..."s welcome lol

#generation loss #genloss #generation loss spoilers #generation loss theory

[faithfromanewperspective]

bipolar thoughts i guess

listened to some pretty wild podcast episodes of This Is Bipolar today and can i say my mind is still reeling like the stuff on there is insane (latest 2 episodes as of 18/10/2023 if anyone wants to find them) and so i'm gonna try summarise some thoughts cause i need to unclog my head desperately. starting to get confident i know how to make sense, so here you go <3

anyway i went into it like i do often being just like 'do i have bipolar' like i'm pre sure i've got cyclothymia but it's not diagnosed and like. i gotta trust you an awful lot to share Most Difficult Workings Of My Brain with you anyway, and i'm not sure i ever have really properly with any doctor as I like to honour my nervous system and my felt sense of safety when seeking mental health support (it's taken me a while to feel like i'm somewhat in control of utilising that service in my life, but i'm feeling empowered for the most part, and like i do know what i'm doing). hence why i'm sharing it with all of you here online, right? spoilers for how brains work under the cut, and the answer i came to to this question. apologies for grammar i'm in peak tumblrina 2010s teen mode. it gets (a lot) better under the cut.

I won't go into exact details now, but for Quite A While whenever I periodically do quizzes and that out of Curiosity I've found myself more often than not meeting the criteria for both depression and hypomania--this year especially with the completion of my thesis and the work I had to push through to get there, it doesn't surprise me. (And yet I've been feeling like I'm spiralling less than in the past, living in the present more (and feeling things sure) but I'm also starting to realise what that says.) And I'm a seasoned researcher who knows a lot about psychology for an environmental scientist: I know that mixed episodes and rapid cycling are a thing. I can feel the heaviness on my chest, disconnect and grief and dysphoria I've lost the end of the strings leading to them of, and the cluttering of exciting exciting ideas that I feel hopeless more often than not about ever getting out of my head into the world. I know how easy I can tip over into Idea Buzzing Mode. I know how it robs me of sleep when I need it the most, I know how I feel when I'm sleep deprived, that I walk around like a ghost and cross the road without looking.

In my life I've found a lot of people I relate to in different ways, but very few in whom I see a mirror for the extent of the energy that gets unearthed when there's an idea I'm passionate about, how fast my thoughts go and the way I notice everything and come up with solutions like some sort of machine designed to explore every option and how everything in me drives me towards all the ideas I'm having and how difficult it is to sit still and go at someone else's timeline when I just have all this stuff I have to get out of my head or i might scream and hit something and just--it's very unpleasant. People recognise my creativity and even relate to it when I do get the ideas out but do they see how easily it becomes hopelessness, a rift between me and the world, if I don't get to do that exactly how I want to, if everyone around me doesn't listen and play along and make room for me to make systemic changes? I know they don't. And it makes sense in a way: depression is common. My other neurodivergences are fairly common too, as is burnout from them and from the demands of modern life. But so few tend towards hypomania more often than not the way that I do.

And in bipolar communities, which I'm drawn to for it's the best most fitting description I can think of, a lot of the time it tends to be much the same. Not quite. It's almost there. But people's hypomania varies so much: both between the different bipolar diagnoses and within them. It's also often a scary thing. Something they try very hard not to become, when (as is still the dominant narrative) they cycle between debilitating depression and deceptively debilitating (hypo) mania that seems appealing during the lows: I don't have that. I have boom and bust cycles I honour: ADHD and PDA honestly disable me more than depression (like yes it exacerbates them but that whole mashup is something I've been working on dealing with for years) and the older I get the more I realise I think I'm not all that emotionally led as a person. Like whatever I'm feeling exists and is a thing, but whatever needs to be done also exists and so does making space for the feelings of others and it's easy to use the latter things as a distraction from the former, just long enough to get through whatever it is I need to. This works until the idea overload. That stacks on top of the demand overload and constriction and burnout and the effort to mask my ADHD. My brain is too loud, demanding things of me, and maybe it is the fact that I know how to fight it just a little even though it comes at a massive cost to my wellbeing that make it so unbearable but also cryptic. I've had to learn to express it. To feel it, to listen to it, to proactively find productive or neutral outlets that allow the wave to pass without prompting the construction of a lot more waves that are similar. That ground me at the end when I do inevitably burn myself out, like yes, my energy will be depleted afterward, it would be no matter what I did, but bit by bit I leave the rush feeling satisfied, by progress, no matter how small. And so there's no need for guilt and disappointment to accompany me in the resulting sadness. Only weary compassion.

To me, that still sounds like bipolar. The way I have to express myself regularly so it doesn't build up too much pressure and make it burst out in a bad way. How I have to get the energy out and then wind down in really specific ways so I can sleep. Sleep before the crushing loneliness, the glass wall between me and the world kicks in, and most times I still don't. Chase that elusive satisfaction, for i've got so much value-driven energy that overlaps with my other neurodivergences, to let out, and I know I'll feel trapped and helpless and hopeless if I don't. Energy lies dormant when all I feel is weariness, a string of irritations I can't name can trigger it at any time, I'm working on being aware of what these things are. More honest. Express things before they build up. And weariness lies on the other side of the razorblade of passion-led energy for all of my ideas, my fragile ideas, that I feel hopeless about executing and don't most of the time have real energy, real spoons, to properly sit down and plan for, not when my mind is racing so fast. It could be the result of passion and autodidactic motivation that won't die no matter how much the world tries to make me something I'm not: it comes out in waves, wrestling constantly with the behaviour I should exhibit, whatever pleases people the most and makes me feel dead inside.

But why look for more complex answers when the evidence is all there? Sure this could exacerbate symptoms up from dormancy. But why would this be my reaction, and others react differently? I will always have ideas, far more ideas than the average person. I will always feel injustice, even when it's not specifically happening to me. I will always grieve it. Even if there's a world where I was lucky enough to never experience the slightly less than optimal conditions that squeezed me in a way that made the ideas seem more urgent than they otherwise would be, and had my emotional needs fully met at all times, these things will always be a part of me. My body will always be a bit too sensitive to stimulants, especially for someone with ADHD, and feel a bit too empty, a bit unable to do anything productive and boring, when excitement isn't right in front of me.

I'm so lucky I never tried antidepressants actually. I have no idea what they'd do to me, but I'm pretty sure I'm already hypomanic most of the time even when I'm also depressed. Maybe something good came of that attitude I carry in my veins from my home city, passed down in DNA and modelling by generations of people who had it hard, who learned to go on despite whatever was going on, who felt its impacts in their lack of emotional presence with their children or the inability to open up to actually trust someone with all that we carry inside our heads. Because let's face it, mental health services are biased towards white upper/upper middle class people who are socialised to be able to talk about their feelings and not have to choose between letting those feelings out and safety, security, and food on the table. I am privileged in so many ways, growing up in a family determined to make sure I was loved and protected. But some things, some ancestral things, are stronger than one generation of tertiary-educated, middle class wannabe (and not even all that emotionally present, just idealistic) parenting. Some things you pick up, and where I'm from you suffer like it's expected for you to. You do what it takes to survive, and for me learning about all the Brain Things is one such thing. No one is going to help you, and actually having the autonomy over our own solutions, the innovation to create them and find ways to finance them, is a source of pride that sometimes is the only thing that keeps me going. I tried so hard to apply it to myself, I knew I needed to, when the mainstream messages about getting help for your mental health arrived in the middle class outer Brisbane locality I lived in at the time and never quite fit into. But it painted a picture of surrender, a loss of autonomy dressed as humility and bravery. I could do it right up until I made a new person and my instincts kicked in: you be polite, you focus on them in the conversation, not yourself. Turns out it makes your problems seem smaller, even nonexistent to them. But I don't know any other way. I'm glad though in some ways: both so that I can find solidarity with those who share my culture, and the fact that I never tried antidepressants.

I've got a post coming on the Western Sydney Work Ethic as I call it (which encompasses a lot of things, being hardworking and polite among them but also the fact that I know a small handful of people, it took me far too long to realise it includes me, who can be actively suicidal and just go 'oh but none of us get what we want so I'll appease the people around me who might get upset by living just a little longer' and go back to work. literally. and all of them are either from sydney or were raised by someone who was). But for now I want to provide some background to the antidepressants phenomenon: basically, they can cause hypomania if you have a pre-disposition to bipolar, and if you're already hypomanic they can cause full-blown mania and start a pattern that then occurs on its own after the first time. They're not the only substance that can trigger this (stimulants are too, no wonder I didn't sleep for nearly 2 days the first time I tried a low dose of ADHD meds and now have a quarter of even that dose) but you can see how logical it is: someone comes in for depression, doesn't realise it's not the full picture of what's going on, gets prescribed antidepressants, voila, time to change your diagnosis.

Proponents of bipolar-should-be-managed-by-neurology-rather-than-psychiatry argue a predisposition for it that exists, apparently something to do with the way the brain processes (or doesn't) glucose for energy, something to do with amino acids (apparently taurine can cause hypomania I'm still a little sus about that) and neurotransmitters our body makes out of these things such as GABA, acetylcholine, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and more. I know a little about these, more than the average person, and one day I'll apply my basic biochemistry knowledge and update all of you on what I find. For now, that makes perfect sense. We know the relationship between ADHD and dopamine, between GABA and sleep/melatonin, we know too much dopamine causes psychosis, we know how well bipolar responds to medications that target any one of these. Apparently the fats and amino acids you ingest can also help oil the chemical processes that for some of us come out not working and easily get broken. Apparently if you do it well it's got potential to be just as effective (not a supplement for, but maybe in addition to) medication. All I know is an awful lot about how to meet your nutritional needs as a vegan, and the fact that something in me works, has me not completely forgetting feelings of hope at any time, has me still having some semblance of self-control (it sounds like a flex, i'm sorry, I really don't intend to shame anyone for anything or say anything along the lines of 'i can do this so so can you' or in any way insinuate it isn't hard for me, it is, just a kind of hard that's unique to my set of circumstances) when I am hypomanic and I have forgotten what a normal person level of energy is and all the people around me can see that I'm coming undone (but not professionals. Never professionals. I forget everything I'm feeling the moment I'm in anyone else's office).

Backtracking, the first memory I have of what is clearly in hindsight a hypomanic episode happened when I was 16, a year before I went vegan. Depression is harder to pick as it tends to come in hand in hand with burnout, I definitely felt I wasn't worth gifts and special treatment and anything good in general from a young age but kept myself busy with exciting things that kept me feeling a sense of autonomy and kept me afloat until I realised I couldn't do it anymore. I still remember the day everything changed and I hit that wall, three days before my 17th birthday. I was still an omnivore, fed mostly by my health-conscious (in a way that you have to be when doctors in 2001 says your baby who is allergic to dairy will never get her nutritional needs met without it, so not diet cultury psuedoscience in any way) mother. We had a lot of healthy fats and a good mix of amino acids in her ADHD-friendly meals and I was in the process of using science to make vegan versions of them that included everything good and necessary, but hadn't made the leap yet and wouldn't properly for a few more months. Since I went vegan, the nervous system burnout has hit again and again because of toxic environments, but I've maintained my energy to study and work even though I feel tired and buzzing with unexpressed ideas all the time. Barely, but I sometimes wonder how: is it passion that drives me? Am I just lucky? Am I not as unwell as I seem to keep discovering only in hindsight when others got concerned about me breaking down randomly and not remembering it that I brushed off and said i was slowly dealing with among all my other occupations?

I don't know why I've rattled on about food for so long. Truly, it seems irrelevant, maybe it is, there's definitely a lot of pseudoscience around the gut brain connection (it's false btw, the serotonin produced in the gut can't get to the brain, don't let them convince you), maybe this is just another wave of this that a few scientists have fallen for. Stick to this assumption unless proven otherwise. But I also think I've been in a mixed episode phasing in and out in intensity depending on whatever's going on around me and stressors of all kinds and fallout for them, for the last five years. It's been exhausting. I did a whole uni degree in that time. Barely. Invested in my hobbies, had a real job, jobs, both in my field and other fields important to me, taken care of people and pets and suffered a lot but somehow managed (though I do wonder if I ever really had a chance not to, without completely coming undone and losing my autonomy even more in a way that even my most successful strategies of dealing with the suicidal and reckless thoughts couldn't withstand). I've been a shell of a person this whole time, yes, but I've been stressed and I'm dealing with that now and feeling things again and I've never felt peace in my entire life but I do see glimpses of it now. Like all this can be happening inside my head but I can manage it and make progress with what I can, but maybe befriend the rest, sit with it, accept it, it isn't scary it's just an experience I can love myself more because of. It isn't all zen, but I can treat others like they're worthy of that and I can do so with myself too. Oh, and I've been vegan that whole time. Though it probably doesn't make any difference, that's just a random fact that's probably irrelevant. Enough about food.

Basically I'm still a little confused and doubting what's basically a self diagnosis at this stage because of this attitude I have. Maybe for good reason. Maybe because there aren't all that many people out there feeding into both psychiatry and communities where we share our voices, and I shouldn't found my doubts on a lack of representation when I can instead be that representation. I'm pretty sure I meet criteria for bipolar something or another. If so how is it possible to be for the most part chill with it? Is it because I'm sheltered and don't have to worry about a lot, not for me personally (tbh I never cared about myself all that much) even though I do worry for and pour my life into caring for, others, the disadvantaged and vulnerable for whom I yearn for the feeling of empowerment. Or is it because I've seen so much that nothing can faze me. That I've empathised with people suffering similarly without the supports or without the resources I have in any way and part of me was like, we can all do this, and it's exactly because of what I do go through and how strongly I relate that I am able to prove this. It's probably a nice mix of both. Showing we're more than we put out on the surface, we're more than labels and there's diversity within them and richness and capacity for love in areas we'd never think of.

This topic knocks me around a lot emotionally, but in a good way I think. Unlocks the gates for grief to flow through but with it, the connection I long for. The ability to express my ideas rather than the numbness I so often feel. I feel it when I think about my favourite parabatai pair (even which one this is makes sense) and some headcanons about both them not many people are as invested in as I am. It's actually painful to think about (but in a good way, the kind that opens your eyes, who doesn't want that, and in it helps you see that yes this is as bad as it looks but we can get through this). It distracts me more than ADHD ever did. But allows me to channel my true self into my work, with everything that has shaped me, even if part of it is an illness (which absolutely I don't have to identify with, especially as my experience of it is sheltered, is mild in many ways) it brings with it truth, words to describe phenomena. And maybe that was all I ever needed. Validation is power.

the podcast episodes i was talking about @ibrushmyteeth-donttellanyone

and you might be interested @tleeaves

#personal mental health tag #bipolar #bipolar awareness #neurodivergence #burnout #tw suicide mention

[loversandantiheroes]

So I'm overdue to finally give a little life/health update since I went on my writing hiatus. I had hoped to be able to put off any sort of updates until I was finally able to get my ass back in the saddle and writing again, but that's not really on the table just yet.

I'll spare everybody the long and boring details, but I've finally been able to start seeing a doctor again and get the ball rolling, albeit clunkily, on my mental health. I've been back on antidepressants for a few months now, and last month I finally got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds for that. Unfortunately the ADHD meds have been a lot harder to adjust to, and combined with the lingering fatigue from my depression I'm kind of back into lump mode lately.

In addition to all that fun stuff I got unexpectedly sick back in June for a few days, which turned out to be Baby's First Gallstone. Had a bunch of imaging done since August, and I'm currently scheduled to go in to get my gall bladder removed on the 28th of this month. This'll be my first surgery since I was five, so suffice it to say a ho is Nervous. They also want to keep me in overnight for observation since dad doesn't qualify as someone who can reliably look after me, so I'm going to be missing out on a couple days of work at least. I'll be spending the next week in panic-cleaning mode in preparation for the physical recovery, but on the monetary end of it the chances of me having to ask for help buying groceries in December are definitely higher than zero. Cross that bridge when we come to it.

With all this bundled up together its kind of looking like this winter is gonna be a hibernation season for me. But honestly I think I need it. My body needs some rest while my brain goes through a backlog of critical updates.

So yeah. Still here, but still not quite back up to snuff. Here's hoping for next year. 🤞

#medsie irl #life updates from the hell hole #one day i hope to have good news to share #that isn't immediately followed by 'so i need to get an organ yeeted' #taming of the brainweasels #cw medical #idk what else to tag as #but hi guys im sorry for the quiet im just struggling my way through medication adjustments and health bs #ilu all

[obii-wan-kenobiii]

what is the mechanisms? based on your posts i'm 50% sure they're a band?

hi omg okay permission to infodump???? if you say yes i will reblog this and ramble for half an hour. actually i don;t want to wait so im just gonna put it under the cut (skip to the end for a very short summarized verison of everything)

SO THIS IS THE LEAD SINGER AND HIS CHARACTER IS JONNY DVILLE (he’s played by jonny sims) AND SO THEYRE ALL IMMORTAL SPACE PIRATES BTW AND SO IT’S SIMILAR TO A MUSICAL

SO TO BECOME IMMORTAL THEY GOT A PART OF THEIR BODY REPLACED BY SOMETHING WHICH IS CALLED THEIR MECHANISM(hence the band name) AND SO JONNYS IS HIS HEART AND SO HE HAS A MECHANICAL HEARt  AND HE GOT MECHANISED BY THIS VAMPIRE NAMED DR CARMILLA WHO LEFT THE BAND;  SHE ORIGINALLY FORMED THE BAND TO BE HER BACKING BAND BUT THEN LEFT AND THE ‘canon’ explanation for this is that jonny pushed her out an airlock

marius!!! so his name is marius von raum and his mechanism is one of his arms

he plays violin for the band and voices some of the screamier characters

oh!! jonny dville is the lead singer btw :)

okay and uhhhhh nastya rasputina!! she left the band in early 2015 for personal reasons but i still love her and am pretending she is still there she plays violin and doesn’t voice any characters but has appeared as herself in one of the albums

oh!!! also their spaceship is sentient and named aurora and her and nastya are dating <333 lesbian rights

and this is aurora 

drumbot brian!! as the exact opposite to jonny, his mechanism is everything but his heart, and he plays banjo and sings a bit too and he has this switch that has two modes, means justify ends and ends justify means which are two morality modes and so on mje he can’t do anything he would consider immoral but on ejm it’s the opposite of that

( my autocorrect changed ejm to run at first and that’s accurate honestly 😭😭)

oh did i mention jonny dville has canonically committed every non sexual crime?? jonny dville mr king of consent ily. maybe you’re a bloodthirsty murderer who kills people for fun but <333

okay uhhh ashes o reily!!! mx. o reily i love you please marry me i love them sm okay. uh the crews resident arsonist, plays bass and voices a few characters!! their voice is so hhhng. they burned down their entire home planet

brian got shot into space pew pew pew and floated there for a while until he was eventually found by doc carmilla 

and jonny is the first mate, he’ll tell you he’s the captain but don’t listen to him

brian is the pilot

ashes is the quartermaster

nastya is the engineer, oh and nastya’s mechanism is her blood!! i don’t think i mentioned that lol

and marius is the doctor (he says he has a degree but nobody has actually seen it so.)  not that you really need a doctor when these nine kill eachother regularly but anyways

but raphaella la cognizi, the ships science officer!! as cruel and brutal as she is… science! plays piano and voices multiple characters, her mechanism is her wings 

ivy alexandria!! the ships archivist :)  her mechanism is her brain, she plays the flute and one other instrument i believe? she doesn’t voice characters afaik but she has appeared as herself in an album once.  she stores information!! she’s like a living data collection center 

the toy soldier!!! it’s… present, as usual. we’re not really sure what it does, nobody is, all we know is that it showed up and won’t go away. it’s just happy to be there

and finally!!! gunpowder “prettiest mech” tim!!  he’s so,,,,, hhhhhhng.  his mechanism is his eyes!! he plays guitar and voices a few characters in albums!! he’s the weapons guy 

ABDHDHHSHD ALRIGHT NOW THE ALBUMS

okay so one thing you have to understand before all this is that they take old folk stories and retell them but make them either in space, cowboys, and much, much gayer

their first album, once upon a time (in space), think disney but much more violent and also lesbians

and then there’s ulysses dies at dawn!! it’s like green myth but mafia!!! ahdhhfhsjd it’s so good

tales to be told is just backstory songs/songs that didn’t make the cut for albums, it’s still great it’s just not one defined plot line as each song follows something different unlike the rest of the albums

high noon over camelot!! arthurian legend but cowboys and also mordred is trans and arthur guinevere and lancelot are all dating eachother ( i,,,,,cried at the end of hnoc :)))))

THE BIFROST INCIDENT!!! MY FAVORITE ALBUM OKAY 

SO THINK NORSE MYTH BUT MAGIC TRAIN IN SPACE 

AND THE MAIN CHRACATER IS LYFRASSIR EDDA

so basically

odin sends a train, the ratatosk express through the bifrost to get from midgard to asgard but the train arrives in midgard eighty years late and so lyfrassir edda is assigned to investigate it  and so it’s like this whole super elaborate plot and it’s amazing

and takes to be told. vol 2 is the same idea as the first one so

and then finally,,, death to the mechanisms :(  they broke apart in 2020 and they recorded their final concert and released it as an album and it’s always rlly sad to listen to :((

and finally,,,,,,,,,,,, backstories,,,,,,,,,,,,,

so jonny killed his dad bc he had collected debt and then proceeded to kill the person who made him kill his dad bc of said debt and then ran away with doc carmilla

nastya ran away from her family after she accidentally got them killed?  fun fact thta i noticed bc i read too far into everything: so nastya’s name is actually anastasia but she doesn’t go by that, and nastya means reborn AND SO SHE WAS REBORN AFTER SHE ACCIDENTALLY GOT HER WHOLE FANIMY KILLED AND AHHDHFHSHJFF

i have émotions abt these characters

tim fought in the war against the moon kaiser and when his ,,,,,,,,,,,best friend’’’’’’’’ got killed he blew up the moon bc he got mad and also he went on like a massive killing spree

marius doesn’t actually have a set backstory yet!! his actor is working on an album but they haven’t released it yet

raphaella also doesn’t have a backstory yet i believe?

ashes burned down their entire home planet bc some guy screwed them over

brian got shot into space pew pew pew and floated there for a while until the doc picked him up

ivy lived in a library and doesn’t remember her life, she got picked up by the doc and mechanised after she died

the toy soldier was made as a toy to serve someone and it stole its voice from an angel (heavily implied to be some sort of singer but i’m not sure) and it’s just stayed there

so this was. badly summarized and not well said but also hhhng thank you for asking me!!! basically the people in the band play characters who do retellings of stories, and they play characters in the stories. they’re all immortal space pirates and have a mechanical body part which is how they became immortal. they retell the stories like ten times gayer and it’s fantastic anyways. 

#yayyyy badly done ramble #ill probably edit this later but

[aviiatrix-archived]

◈   TAG NINE PEOPLE YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER!

hi my name is crow i’m 24 and i’m indecisive pretty sure this is gonna show that.

favourite colour(s): I like every color to an extent, but I do wear a ton of black and blue.

favourite flavour(s): I salt my food like I have low sodium if that tells you anything. But I also really like bubblegum and cotton candy flavors. And mild spicy... I just really like food.

favourite genre(s):  Horror, Fantasy, and Sci-fi do be my jams!

favourite music: I’ll listen to anything except country... and really heavy hard rap because for some reason ADHD wise it overstimulates me and I cannot for the life of me understand why but my brain just goes into shut down mode. Which is wack because sometimes theres things that I like about it but the pink dumb squishy thing in my head says no.  ):

favourite movie(s): 80′s slashers make the brain go brrrrrrr

favourite series: i’m guessing this is video games so Fallout, Elder Scrolls, Resident Evil, Evil Within, Silent Hill, God of War, and sue me dude I really like Lego Star Wars idc if thats not a series it just for some reason eases my brain. 

last song:   ovo Amor & Lowswimmer - Ontario

last series:  Wednesday

last movie: I don’t watch very many as of recently so I’m ngl I do not remember. It was probably Spider-Man No Way Home because I do keep up with Marvel movies at least LMAO my memory may just be shit though ngl I bet in like a few hours I’m gonna remember something more recent 

currently reading:  Rereading my favorite Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant series but also I have both of the Ready Player One books laying around that I’m about to start. 

currently watching:  finally trying to gd catch up on Doctor Who with all that I had missed via my depressy before the new season gets a one up on me

currently working on: getting better mentally. baby steps. 

tagged by: @hauntedreality​ thank yooou c:

tagging:  @distantpagesandpapercuts @thesoulofasurvivor @brokenreality--x @torntruth @allnostalgic @revelatixned @lotuskissed​ @yetfierce @aamusedly​

And I know it said to just tag nine, but anyone who wants to do this please do. I always like getting to know everyone. 

#♘ ❛ᴄʀᴏᴡ ᴄᴀᴡɪɴɢ❜【ooc】 #♘ ❛ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴇʟʟ ɪꜱ ᴄᴀʀᴀᴠᴀɴ?❜【dash games】

[eolewyn1010]

Dracula Daily, 2/2, with a little less cussing this time around:

When disturbed in his assault of Mina, Dracula drops her and attacks the dude squad, but is deterred by van Hellstoker holding up a Communion wafer at him. They corner him, but Dracula does one of his fancy Dramatically Appropriate Weather thingies, covering the moon in clouds, and until the dude squad has lit a gas lamp, Dracula has gone all mist and evaporates. The dude squad looks after Mina who has come to her senses and, understandably, screams in sheer terror. As she starts sobbing, van Hellstoker covers her with the blanket - this does nothing to make me think Stoker didn't mean this scene as a sexual assault metaphor. Arthur flees the situation, probably because he's hardcore flashbacking to Lucy; Quincey, I think, tries to follow Dracula. Our oh-so-competent Doctors wake up Jonathan who, of course, also goes into a bout of hysterics - and then murderous rage at Dracula. I am close to murderous rage at Stoker again because Mina goes on to call herself "unclean" and that she must touch or kiss Jonathan no more. I'm just gonna throw up real quick. At least Jonathan won't have any of that.

The dude squad gives each other an update - Dracula has burned Mina's entire vampire info manuscript before getting away. All that sore work would have been for nothing if they hadn't sealed away a copy in a safe. Also, Renfield is dead. Shocking. I don't think Dracula still had to do something there; Renfield was dying already, but we must have another little gore-fest. Mina adds her POV of Dracula's endeavours, and Dracula was really exceedingly gross and taunting her about the whole thing, how she might as well just hold still and how he would kill Jonathan if Mina screamed and how they all would pay for their insolence and so on and so forth. And he called Mina not only his "bountiful wine-press" (wtf, Dracula?) but also "flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood, kin of my kin". Imagine if Stoker had written Mina's vampirizing process as completing. How cool would it be if Dracula had made himself a raging enemy, his equal in skills and strength? Ehm, anyway. Morning dawns, and Scheherazade falls silent.

Jack seriously thinks he could explain Renfield's crushed body to the coroner with, "he fell out of his bed". That ain't sus at all. The collected morons finally conclude that it's better to keep Mina informed, hurray! Mina also resolves to kill herself should she become a danger to people. Fair enough, as she thinks her soul is doomed in that case already; suicide shouldn't bear any more implications of eternal hell than running around and eating people. She lowkey asks van Hellstoker to do the job for her when it comes down to it though, and he hesitantly agrees. Which would be alright, but he calls it euthanasia and my history student brain wants to go liquid and run out of my ears. Stoker is really out to be a pain for me, isn't he? Van Hellstoker wants to hurry to make Dracula's lairs unusable for him as places of hiding and magics, and Jonathan, hardcore worrying mode, is really eager to locksmith some doors and preferably bash in some vampire brain. But van Hellstoker pulls out one of his way-too-long anecdotes to explain why they better do this as legally as possible. To protect Mina, he places a Communion wafer against her forehead and says a prayer - and the thing sears Mina's skin. Isn't that just awesome. Lotsa righteous, religious bullshit from van Hellstoker regarding Mina's purity (and the whiteness of her forehead; a Klingon would be offended), and I'm so sick of how he preaches all the time and they kiss his hands in reverence. Stoker, put your priestly power kink elsewhere.

On the other hand, Jonathan? Is belatedly earning more of my respect, because he's determined to follow Mina into the dark if she has to become a vampire.

Off the dude squad goes to sanctify Dracula's boxes of earth, holy ground deterring him and making all the pretty dirt boxes unusable (without his home's soil, Dracula will be forced to stay awake and in the open), one house, then the next with the help of a locksmith. Problem is, while this business goes as smoothly as can and they don't run into the Count, one of the boxes is missing. Also, if Jack is to be believed, Jonathan's hair turned white over night? Hair does not work that way, moron. While Quincey and Arthur are out being useful, van Hellstoker exposits about Dracula and, curiously, likens him to a child because not all of his memory of his glorious life made it past death. Ehm. No. This guy has no childlike behavior on him whatsoever. Jonathan wearily notes that he "fail[s] to understand", but then so do I when van Hellstoker starts out like that. Then Mina sends a wire that Dracula is onto them, and once the dude squad is reunited, van Hellstoker bosses everyone around (renewing the hots Jack has for him because he is submissive that way) to trap Dracula.

Then, big action scene. Dracula charges into the room, everyone charges at Dracula. But all he loses in the kerfuffle is some money because Jonathan slits his coat open. And as Dracula retreats from crucifixes and Communion wafers, he jumps through a closed window, a spectacular rain of glass splinters surrounding him as he hits the ground. What an exit. He kinda ruins it with turning around and yelling, "you all will regret this, I shall have my revenge", blah blah. Van Hellstoker takes the win and drops back into lacking grammar, but they can't catch the Count anymore and return to the asylum. Mina gets a recap of all that happened, as promised, and Jack is praising Mina with flowery words again, because Mina and also polyamory. They even all have a collective weep on the stress and fright of the situation. When the Harkers go to bed, Arthur, Quincey, and Jack share the night's watch between them. Van Hellstoker is too good for staying up, I guess.

#Dracula Daily #I will say this: Bram Stoker's and Stephenie Meyer's writings have more in common than is comfortable #lotsa misogyny and a lack of most basic research and no consistent characterization anywhere to be found

[operationbigskye]

Danny Boy missing scene

It’s been ten years, but One Tree Hill lives on in my heart. I just finished season 9, and I can’t get out of my head that there’s no way Lucas and Peyton didn’t come back to Tree Hill after Nathan was rescued. Sure the writers played it off by having Deb bring the kids to the hospital, but are we to believe that A) Lucas and Peyton sent a ten year old and toddler on a plane alone?! Or B) Deb flew to and from wherever the hell they lived in the timely manner suggested?! Anyway, enough of my rant, in my mind Leyton brought Jamie and Lydia back to Tree Hill and planned to see Naley the next day. I miss them so much 😩

🌳 🌳 🌳

Lucas had never been so relieved to get a phone call after midnight. He and his wife had been awoken by his cell phone on full volume around 1 am. Each night since he had brought Jamie and Lydia back from the airport, Lucas had forgone switching his phone to silent mode before going to bed, not wanting to miss news about Nathan at any hour of the day.

Lucas had jolted upright in bed and put the phone on speaker as Peyton, blearily rubbing sleep from her eyes, listened in on Haley’s tearful ecstasy that Nathan was safe and sound. Peyton had tightly gripped his hand when a familiar voice then said, “Hey, big brother.”

Next thing they knew, the couple was waking the three children and frantically searching for the next direct flight to New Brunswick County Airport. As luck would have it, the next one was leaving within the hour. Jamie was instantly awake and alert, Lydia had almost immediately fallen back asleep in her carrier, and Sawyer clung to her mother in a state of conscious somewhere between that of her two cousins. Lucas had been proud of his daughter, who rarely complained and adjusted to this temporary new normal. He was also eternally grateful to his wife, who insisted over and over again that she was more than happy to give their nephew and niece a save haven during this impossible time.

Deb had met the five of them at the airport, and as much as Lucas and Peyton wanted to race to the hospital with them, they had decided to let the kids and Haley have Nathan to themselves for the night. Thankfully, they had Karen’s unoccupied house to spend the night and planned to welcome their brother back the following morning once the dust had settled.

Right after they had settled Sawyer in his old bedroom, Lucas once again saw his best friend’s name pop up on his phone. Feeling a sense of panic that something bad had happened again, Lucas answered on the first ring. It was indeed bad news, but not the type Lucas had been worried about.

After hanging up with Haley, Lucas lifted his head to find Peyton appeared in the doorway with two mugs of chamomile tea. They were all riding an adrenaline high, and Peyton had decided they needed something to help turn their brains off even for a few hours so as to be present the next day. As soon as she saw her husband’s face, her brow furrowed with concern. She had always been able to read him like a book.

“Luke?” Peyton didn’t even need to ask if something was wrong; she already knew.

Lucas cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “That was Haley. She said, uh…Dan got shot, and the doctors don’t think he’ll make it through the night.”

Lucas hated that they had been riding the high over Nathan’s safe return until this very moment. Irrational as it sounded in his own head, he once again couldn’t help but feel hatred and resentment toward his so-called father for overshadowing yet another joyous moment. As if knowing Lucas’ very thoughts, Peyton set the mugs on the nightstand and sat down next to him on the bed.

And you…don’t want to go say goodbye.” Again, Peyton didn’t ask the question to which she knew the answer.

“I can’t.” Lucas barely heard his own voice.

Peyton took a deep breath and took both his hands in hers. “Okay…remember that I love you more than words, Lucas Scott. But I’m gonna say something, and if it doesn’t change your mind, I will never speak of it again. I love and support you one-hundred percent, whatever you decide. Okay?”

Lucas met her eyes. “Okay.” Although the word came out tentatively, he trusted this woman with his life, and sensed he was about to hear something he needed even if he didn’t necessarily want to.

“So I’m just worried that if you don’t make some sort of peace with Dan, whatever that looks like, there will literally never be another chance and you’ll always wonder about it. And I’m also scared that you’ll carry this heaviness in your heart that could be lightened if you did face him one last time. Mark my words, I don’t want you to consider it for Dans sake, I only cares about yours.”

Lucas squeezed their joined hands. “I hear you. I really do, and I love you for it. But…that heaviness you’re talking about…knowing that he brought Nathan home to his family, and has literally given his life for it…that’s helped. Saving Nathan’s life is literally the least he could have done, and I am grateful for it. But I just don’t think he deserves to hear that, not from me. I truly don’t feel I owe him that.”

Peyton nodded and brought her hand to cup his face. “As I said, I love and support you one-hundred percent.”

Lucas kissed her palm, and drew her close so they were laying on the bed facing each other. “I love you too, Peyton Scott. Let’s get some sleep and go see our family tomorrow.” His hand drifted to the tiny bulge on her stomach.

They would wait so as not to steal thunder with their own family news, which included but was not limited to one Keith Nathan Scott’s arrival into the world five months from now. Soon the whole family would know that they were coming home to Tree Hill again anyway.

#one tree hill #lucas scott #peyton sawyer #mick fic #missing scene

[imeverywoman420]

how do u fuck emil and not like have a breakdown about not being a couple, the only ppl i’ve fooled around with were ppl who really liked ME but i was kinda meh about or quickly became meh about, like physically was attracted to them but it was lacking those crazy brain chemical butterflies at the same time. so the thought of having that for someone and having sex with them but them not wanting more would make me kms, whats wrong with me/am i just too Demisexual

Girl i told you im like hannibal lecter over this man sometimes he DOES make me want to kms like WHYYYYYY dont u love me u stupid bitch 😡

Idk i just learned to laugh it off. Im 20. This is the first man ive met that matches all my criteria, im sure once i meet More men ill have better results. When i start feeling like im gonna have a bpd moment im just like “omg my femcel era <3” and smoke some weed

But i DO get emotional. This might sound weird but i think i love him. I have no reason to. He “objectively” is not very good to me and “objectively” gives me nothing emotionally. But the first two nights we spent together where he held me really tight in his sleep and i had to fight him to get up and go pee. The way he cuddles me after sex. Idk. Thats love to me. I am so happy when im with him.

Im also just the type of person that can like. Put up with a lot of thigns. I had a nasty ass ear infection for like a month or two cause i didnt wanna go to the doctor. I didnt have glasses or contacts for a month cause same thing. Like i can go without. Its not that it doesnt suck and make me wanna die. Idk im just always in survival mode.

#ask

[insipid-drivel]

If you’re having relapsing panic symptoms after having a virus...

It’s probably okay! Don’t blame yourself! Don’t isolate yourself and try to hide it if you’re struggling “like you used to”! Talk to your doctor about it! There are explanations beyond “it’s just in your head” or “you had a shock from being sick”, and convincing yourself otherwise isn’t gonna help you feel better.

This past week I’ve been wretched with panic attacks and general “AAAAAAAAAAA” from my brain, and it was after I was very sick with the stomach flu (the news reports about the new strains of Norovirus are not jokes; please look after yourselves, everyone, especially if you need daily medications, and get to a hospital if you need daily oral medications and can’t hold them down). I got so violently ill that I wound up falling into a state of cold-turkey withdrawal.

I bounced back, fortunately, and am physically okay again, but for the past week, I’ve been really hard on myself for having relapses into panic levels and cycles that I haven’t struggled with in years! I’ve never been so vulnerable to things like my old triggers! I even have panic attacks in my sleep again for the first time in ages!

Finally getting in to talk to my psychiatrist, I got my answer:

Viruses can seriously mess up how you metabolize certain oral medications, including psych meds, and sometimes our bodies need help much longer than you’d expect to balance out. Most of the information we get about recovery times from common viruses don’t apply to people on medications, the neurodivergent, and the disabled, and holding ourselves to the same “healing standards” as others can actually make things worse.

My psychiatrist literally compared it to accidentally ingesting grapefruit while on a psych med (plenty of you know how bad an idea that is, but for those who don’t, it basically means your body won’t recognize your medication in your body), and gently explained that it wasn’t my fault for being anxious and panicked again, or for needing to go back on my panic meds. It wasn’t my fault for “backsliding” into being fragile and sensitive as I was before I ever set foot in a therapeutic setting. I was also told, “If you don’t feel totally ready to go off your anxiety medications, then it’s not time yet. This shows me that the meds are still helping.”

I also have a very, very slow metabolism (meaning it takes a lot less of a drug for me to feel sick from it than the average person), and so it made perfect sense I wasn’t bouncing back to my psychiatrist. My metabolism is just shut down, and all I need to do is rest and focus on keeping up with eating, my medications, and taking it easy!

I complained that not even weed was hitting me right and calming me down the way it should (I’ve been encouraged to use marijuana for multiple different reasons and live in a state and setting where it isn’t condemned and have had a wonderful experience with it). I prefer to use edibles or beverages as my mode of delivery for when I’m having trouble with anxiety, chronic pain, or stomach issues, but it wasn’t helping much this time! I’ve been feeling terrible about going through way more than I did before!

Until I just took a hit from my vape instead, bypassing my digestive system altogether. As soon as I did, I felt right again. I calmed down. I could get out of bed, and everything was okay. Like my psychiatrist said, my metabolism just wasn’t taking in my nutrition levels - even cannabis - correctly, and I just have to take it easy and let myself recover. It does not mean it’s permanent.

So, if you’re noticing that the meds you use regularly aren’t helping you like they ought to and your moods are hard to manage, especially after you’ve been sick, see your doctor and tell them. Not only will they be able to unburden you of your dreads and worries that can make your symptoms even more unpleasant, but they probably know how a certain sickness can throw you off and how to help reset and feel better faster.

#long post

[expelliarmus]

#mine #doctor who #dwedit #ksica #jodie whittaker #mandip gill #david tennant #carey mulligan #freema agyeman #dw spoilers #idk why sally was the first person i thought of #i mean i guess the weeping angels had something to do with that lol #ok i have ONE more gifset idea to do before i go to bed #idk if i will have a good sleep tonight #my brain's just gonna be in doctor who mode #also so many fireworks are going off right now.... #edit: ok actually i think i'll make that gifset tomorrow #giving my laptop a break lol

[mrpenguinpants]

Xiao: Fainting HCS

FUCK. I FORGOT TO POST THIS EARLIER. AHHHH. I HAVE WORK IN LIKE 2 MINUTES SO I’LL BE BACK TO REPLY TO EVERYONE. 

Hey anon! So sorry it took me forever to finish writing this but good luck if you’re planning on pulling Xiao. I really wanted to finish writing this fic as an offering to the gacha gods that c1 xiao wants to bless me (even tho that’s not gonna happen). But good luck to everyone rolling today^^.

Disclaimer: I have not watch anything about Xiao because my hype can only take so much. This was written before 1.3. So if I get anything wrong or I’m missing something. That’s why.

---

Can I just say how far Xiao has come in my writing since the first part of the semi series? Sniff, feel like we’re making character development for a character that’s not even out yet. I can’t wait for mihoyo to take my HCS and rip them apart.

Xiao Semi Series

[ Friendship ] [ Falling in Love ] [ Cuddles ] [ Protective ] [ Affection ] [ Jealously ] [ Opposites Attract ] [ String Of Fate (Soulmate) ]

[Masterlist]

---

[taglist]  <- if you want to be added, please read this first.

​  @hanniejji​@mikeysbike​​ @unionwitch​ @musekala​ @sunnshiii​ @stanzastic​ @akaasea​ @xoneaboveallx​ @adoring-ghost​ @asheseiler​ @childelover​ @dilucsz​ @dai-tsukki-desu​ @thicmitten​ @nonniechan​​ @snowy224 @mayumintsu​ @tigerpriestess @yuu-yuukurotsuki​ @legionqueensav​ @eva-0403 @youaskedfurret​ 

Xiao: Fainting HCS

Instant panic mode engaged. If you’ve ever doubted his adepti power of swiftness you’re about to be mistaken. He’s noticed that you seem a bit out of it but brushed it off as you being tired from your recent journey. If there was anything bothering you, you would tell him. But as he turned around to greet you back, it seems like time is slowing down for him. He sees how your eyes glazed over and become unfocused. The muscles in your body snap and you drop to the ground. He can feel his blood run cold as past memories that have been waiting to jump at him suddenly claw at him but he doesn’t even register them. He’s already running towards you.

He’s already caught you in his arms before you can even meet the wooden floor. His brain is racing as he quickly checks your pulse to make sure you didn’t suffer from a heart attack or a curse. He makes a quick search over your body to check for any injuries, he can already feel the red hot iron of anger fill his system at the thought of someone trying to take advantage of you or threaten you. He’s usually logical in these types of situations, even the death of Rex Lapis didn’t shock him this much, but he’s been battling his conflicting feelings ever since he met you. But now that he’s finally accepted you and himself, he wouldn’t know what to do if anything happened to you. His mind flashes to Guizhong before he shakes away the thought.

It doesn’t occur to him that you might be sick as he tries to shake you awake. Whatever teachings Guizhong and Morax have taught him fly out the window as he holds you so close to his chest, he’s pretty sure his grip on you is bruising. He knew mortal souls weren’t as strong as adepti and staying around one might cause sickness or even worse- death. Was this his fault? He can feel the drop in his stomach as he tries to reign in his emotions and powers, not here.

Verr almost screams when Xiao breaks the wooden ceilings and lands in front of her. She’s scared that there was a monster outbreak or something was wrong with Xiao before she notices your passed out form in his arms. As much as she likes to joke around and thinks your relationship with Xiao is cute, she knows that if anything came to seriously harm you she wouldn’t able to calm Xiao before he goes on a rampage. You mean so much to him and he hasn’t opened his heart to anyone except you.

She can tell he’s nearly past his breaking point as he looks at her with dilated eyes as he asks, no commands, her to help you. It’s such whiplash to her. Xiao’s always been polite and reserved that she almost forgets he used to be a demon slaying Yaksha, but this isn’t the time for her to worry about that. She quickly leads him to the backroom since there’s no way Xiao wouldn’t bite any hand that comes near you. Bless Verr’s heart since this isn’t the first time she’s had to handle Xiao’s outbreaks that she manages to save face and contact a doctor that was staying at the inn to look at you. She does feel a bit bad for the doctor who looks like he’s about to piss himself in fear as Xiao growls and watches the doctors every move with piercing yellow eyes.

Xiao is still wary when the doctor and Verr try to calm him down and examine you more closely, always flinching back whenever their hands get too close to you, letting out a dangerous hiss whenever there’s the slightest twitch of discomfort in your face when the doctor feels your heated forehead. As soon as the doctor concludes that you’ve been sick for the past few days and your body just needs to heal itself and recharge, the tension on Xiao’s shoulder loosens and the suffocating aura that’s been filling the room slowly filters out. Verr can’t help but sigh in relief but can’t bring herself to scold Xiao for breaking the inns roof as she watches him look over your form with worried eyes as he softly nudges your cheek. He’s still holding you but his grip has loosen slightly as he rests his forehead against yours. He breathes a sigh of relief as he rubs small circles in your hand. Xiao’s never been the most affectionate or shown to be the most caring but you’ve seriously scared him. She quietly leaves him be and closes the door as she begins to prepare to fix the damages.

Xiao never leaves your side as he waits for you to wake up. He can’t help but berate himself for not confronting you. The doctor said you would be fine but he can’t but imagine your body falling in a more violent scene. He quickly shakes those thoughts away as he paces around the room, sits besides you, then goes back to pacing. Usually he would go on a walk or beat his aggression out but he doesn’t want to leave you alone should you awake early.

Xiao doesn’t ramble about his day while you’re asleep, instead he just observes your features and the small movements you make to remind him that you’re okay. How your chest moves up and down as you breath or how your eyes sometimes scrunch in sleep. You’ve made him almost trip when you did it the first time since he thought you were waking up. He can’t help but think back to his fellow Yaksha’s and what they would say if they saw the way he was acting now.

Since his panic attack has mostly subsided he’s found himself growing more curious. He’s still worried about you but he’s managed to reason with himself that you’re okay, just sick which he’s going to scold you a bit for when you awake, so he softly brushes his fingers across your face. Before snatching his hand away in embarrassment. What the hell is he doing? Guizhong would slap him sideways if she saw him now. He huffs at himself as he deflates a little and rests his head on the bed beside your head. He’s patient. He will wait when your ready to wake up.

When you suddenly gain consciousness, it feels as if the entire world is weighing you down. You slowly blink open your eyes to see a worried Xiao hovering over you, his hands awkwardly in the air since he’s not sure if it’s okay to touch you.

“How are you feeling?” Xiao asks as his eyes dart all over the place before resting on your face. You’re still a bit out of it but you can tell he must have been really worried. You try to give him a small smile but with how scuffy you feel you can bet it’s not a pretty picture.

“Like I got slammed with one of Zhongli’s meteors,” you tried to laughed before coughing as Xiao quickly pressed a cup of water to your lips. Slowly letting you drink and calm down. 

“If you have time to make jokes then you’re alright” Xiao sighs before his features change slightly. His eyes glaze over in concern as a small frown appears. He really does look like a kicked kitten as he slumps over as the stress finally lifts as he feels your hand softly run through his hair.

“Sorry,” you say, he must have been so stressed out while you were passed out for him to look so exhausted. He simply nudges into your hand before turning his face to kiss your palm,

“There’s no need for apologies. I’m...just glad you’re okay,” Xiao mumbles before he’s back to pressing his head into your stomach. You can’t help but smile delicately as you reach over and bring Xiao up with you until he’s lying over you as you hug him gently. There’s a bit of shuffling before you’re able to spoon him as he let’s himself relax after the two day panic attack he just went through.

---

When you’ve fully recovered Xiao seems to hover around you a bit more. Well not a bit, a lot more, but no one has the heart to tell him that. It’s actually kind of adorable seeing the aloof and reserved adepti seem to follow you around like a loss duckling. Making sure you’re okay and you’re not overworking yourself. He still keeps his tough demeanor but you seriously gave him a big scare.

When Zhongli and Childe come over for their weekly visits of tea, they were aware that Xiao had locked himself in a room to watch over you and anyone that even stepped near the door would be skewered with a spear - and Verr would make them pay for the damages (Zhongli) and whatever consequences Xiao saw fit (Childe) - but they are happy to see you’re okay. You all fall back into your usual rhythm of conversation or Childe trying to get a rise out of Xiao while you and Zhongli talk about how lovely the weather’s been.

Zhongli let’s you in on some details that Xiao or Verr never mentioned while Childe and Xiao are fighting about who knows what. How Xiao wouldn’t leave your side or that he resembled a kicked kitten as he nudged your hand when he thought no one was looking. He offers you some medicine herbs to help with exhaustion and to take care of yourself. Likewise, to give Xiao some pain medication on his behalf. You’re one of the few good things in Xiao’s life and he doesn’t want anything bad happening to you.

---

Hmm. I didn’t mean to but I totally believe in the dad zhongli train and I think Zhongli basically just gave you his blessing? Maybe I’m thinking too hard on this haha.

Maybe this is better? Trying to figure out writing styles are hard. Either way, I’m never gonna end up kicking my paragraph HCS habit haha. If you couldn’t tell, I really like feral protective but lowkey vulnerable types (coughrazorcough). Xiao is so OOC at this point I don’t even know how to fix it. Please come home Xiao. 

(Edit: FUCK YEAH HE CAME HOME WITH DILUC. WE 90ED THIS BITCH AND IM ABOUT TO MAX HIS TALENTS. ILL SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL (since people have been asking) WHEN I GET BACK FROM WORK)

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin imagines #genshin impact imagines #genshin headcanons #genshin impact headcanons #genshin fanfic #genshin impact fanfiction #genshin xiao #genshin impact xiao #xiao #genshin xiao x reader #genshin impact xiao x reader #xiao x reader #xiao x aether #xiao x lumine #xiao imagines #xiao headcanons #genshin fluff #genshin impact fluff

[quillsareswords]

hi <3 so this is weirdly specific but could you do a scenario with vamp reader where one of the batfam gets kinds critically injured while on patrol in outer Gotham and they can't get back to the manor so Damian is like i know a place and then takes them to secret vamp gf's apartment???? ik it's really specific but i'd really love it :)

Darling you've read my mind. There are few things I live writing more than vampire reader fics

Damian Wayne x f!Reader

WARNINGS: blood, mild gore, impromptu surgery, utter lack of medical knowledge

PROMPT LIST and MASTER LIST in bio

Tim's bleeding out.

He's bleeding out in Jason's arms, and Robin isn't taking them to the Cave.

Red Hood's been growling and barking questions and curses and orders at the youngest man's back for seven minutes. He'll admit, reluctantly, that he's beginning to panic. Red Robin's got a bullet lodged between a rib and an organ, and a bullet hole shot clean through his side. There's a graze across one shoulder, but a stitch and an ace bandage could fix that easy.

They should be halfway to the Cave by now. They should've made a break for the abandoned Bat Mobile at the first opportunity they had. Unfortunately, they'd been boxed in. The only way out was to lose the crowd of pissed off dog-fighting assholes through a winding maze of alleyways that lead them away from the only mode of transportation within two miles.

Robin has some sense of direction. He knows something Hood doesn't. That much is obvious. He hasn't stopped to look around for three turns, despite knowing they've likely already lost the crowd. Still, he's not saying anything.

The most he gave Jason to go on was a winded, "pick up Drake, I know a place," and then he took off.

Red keeps mumbling. It's getting incoherent. It's strained, and he's trying not to let on how much it really hurts, even though everybody knows. They all know first hand.

Robin takes a sharp turn and skids to a stop at a door around the back of an apartment building. He's rushing with his keyring, the jingling of all the metal clinking splitting through the shadows left cast by the broken light above the door.

"Damian," Hood snarls. "Where are you taking us? He needs a doctor."

"We don't have time for a doctor," Robin bites back. The lock finally clicks and has to use his full weight to shove the steel slab open.

Hood doesn't have another choice, so he follows Robin up three flights of cement stairs, minding the distance between Red Robin's head and the half-rusted steel railing.

Robin stop abruptly and shoves through another door. He leads them down a hallway, with faded, flattened red carpet and doors with chipped wood. He stops again at the last door on the left, keys chiming in his hands again.

The moment it swings open, Robin grabs Redhood by his arm and pushes him inside first.

A stranger peers around the corner from the kitchen, one eyebrow raised.

Hood stares back. An apartment. This must be the wrong place. There's a civilian right there–

"What's–? Who's this? Is he bleeding? Is that your brother?" Your voice raises a little higher each question. Your half full glass teeters when you all but throw it back onto the counter to lunge around the wall. "Damian?"

The door slams behind Hood. He barely registers it, brain overloading with such a tower of information being dropped into his lap.

Robin steers around Hood, mask pulled clean from his face. "He's been shot twice, I need you to help me stitch the first one and remove the second bullet."

The shock is still gleaming in your eyes, but you spin around and sweep everything from the kitchen island. It all crashes to the floor, but you hardly seem to care as you turn to another cabinet and start pulling out first aid packs.

"Put him there," Damian instructs, pulling the green glove from his left hand first.

"What happened?" You demand, ripping the zipper across the first canvas bag.

"It was–" Damian's breath catches with his right glove halfway off, "We broke up a dogfight, they were not pleased."

Your gaze jumps from Tim as Hood lays him down to Damian. His hand is blooded, knuckles blooming dark purples and blues and ugly yellows around split skin.. "That looks nasty."

He stops for a spare moment, staring down at the throbbing appendage. "It is," he hums.

You sigh, digging through the red canvas pouch. "I'll start on him, you go get the ice pack." You take a carpet needle and a spool of stitches from the bag. You glance Hood up and down. "What about the other one? He hurt?"

"Todd's fine," Damian dismisses, waving his good hand in the same manner as he ducks behind you to get to the refrigerator.

"Hey, demon? You wanna, ya know? Explain?"

Damian glances over his shoulder as he reaches into the freezer drawer. "This is Y/N. Y/N, this is Jason Todd and Tim Drake."

You're already bent over Tim's left side with a pair of scissors. He's losing the most blood from the exit wound, so you're starting there. You glance up, just in time to watch Jason pull the helmet from his head. He looks angry. "I assumed. Anyway, the good news is, he doesn't smell like death and I'll be honest, I'm really wishing I hadn't skipped breakfast."

Damian still behind you, staring down at your hands as you cut away at Tim's uniform.

It's an odd comment to make. What does breakfast have to do with any of this? And what did you mean? Smell like death?

He finally has the time to get a good look at you. He doesn't know what he expects. The exhaustion of a nurse? The collectedness of an ex-medic? The focus of a doctor?

Whatever he expected, it wasn't the borderline glowing yellow he finds in your eyes or the restraint in your stare.

A vampire. Damian brought his bleeding brother to a vampire.

"Damian–"

Damian's already staring him down. "Do not. We'll discuss later."

He refocuses on you. You've got the bloodied alcohol wipe discarded beside Tim, and your hooking the needle through skin for the second time.

You're surprisingly quick about the stitches and the bandages, but Jason nearly faints when you round the island to his other wound, where the bullet is still lodged, and plunge your fingers straight into the weeping wound. Tim, on the other hand, does pass out.

It doesn't take more than an hour for you to get him all patched up. Then you help Jason get him into a guest bedroom and set him up in there after you've had Damian dose him with morphine.

Then you boss Damian into the living room to sit and doctor his hand. You'd tried to talk him into letting you do it, but you relented and settled for at least making him sit down.

You're fixing ramen noodles in the kitchen, Damian's sitting on the edge of your couch bent over his hand, and Jason is sitting stiffly in your armchair across the the coffee table.

He's been quiet for a long time. Damian obviously wasn't going to tell him anything until he decide it was a good time to pipe up, so Jason had done what he could given the situation; observe.

Your apartment was decently put together. Humble, lived it, unprepared for company. It's dim, with only a few lamps speckled through the rooms for light and the bulbs removed from the overheads.

He's most interested in Damian, though. Despite having a likely broken hand, he's more relaxed here than he is in some parts of the Manor. His body language reads comfort. He's not looking around every few minutes for any sign of danger, even though they'd all barely escaped a small angry mob ninety minutes ago.

"So," he huffs, leaning back into your chair. He spares you a glance. Your back is to them while you stir a pot. "You wanna clue me in or are we gonna keep loitering in this poor woman's home?"

You peer over your shoulder.

Damian sighs heavily.

"Your call," you chip in, digging around in a lower cabinet.

He throws a dirty look your way. "Thanks for the help."

He draws a deep breath, reclining against the back of the couch. "Firstly, all if this stays between us," he starts, gesturing to the whole apartment with his good hand. "Second, Y/N is a vampire, and if you so much as breathe disrespectfully–"

"Damian," you warn."

"–we'll have issues."

Jason blinks slowly. Clearly unimpressed. "Why do you care do much? And how'd you know she wouldn't eat Timmy alive?"

"She's my girlfriend."

He damn near falls out of the chair. "Your what?"

#damian wayne #damian wayne imagine #damian wayne x reader #jason todd #vampire #vampire!reader #yall gont understand how much i love it #call me cringy idc #im downbad for nice bloodsuckers

[sofreddie]

Stashed Away

Summary: With their biological clocks ticking, the brothers set out to find their True Mates, before it's too late.

Characters: Alpha!Dean x OC!Omega!Reader, Alpha!Sam x Unnamed!Omega

Warnings: A/B/O Dynamics, Angst, Fluff, Smut, Mating, Marking, True Mates, Institutionalized Reader, Heavily Medicated Reader, Implied/Mentioned Sterilization

Word Count: 2,876

A/N: For @spnabobingo 2021 - Free Space. This is my first square on my first ever bingo card. Let me know what you think!

Sam and Dean - Winchesters, Alpha hunters - for years they dedicated themselves to the life. But now that they're getting older, and still without mates, they're starting to go feral. Ruts happen more often, are stronger, and last longer. If they don't find mates soon, they will go feral, hurt a bunch of people, and die. So they do a spell, with Cas's suggestion, to find their true mates. They've always acted like they didn't want it, weren't interested, but there's no pretending anymore.

Following the tracking that the spell gave them - they track down Sam's True Mate first. Dean's more worried about getting Sam right than himself at the moment. The tracking leads them to a small town - a case is here, they quickly learn, vamps - by the time they figure out what's going on, they head to the nest, only to find a woman there, taking the head off a vamp, two other bodies at her feet. She’s a hunter - and a badass one at that, taken three vamps down on her own.

Dean's a little agitated, he needed some blood to help balance out the feral rut that's been burning him alive from the inside. Sam however, is speechless. His blood roars in his veins, pounding in his temples as his eyes lock onto her form. He knows - he can feel it with every fiber of his being - she’s his…his True Mate.

"Mega," he wines, taking a step forward only to fall to his knees in weakness, "Need you," he groans, before falling to his side and promptly passing out - the fever too high and rampant.

After quick introductions and explanations, Dean convinces her to come back to their motel. It just happens that she's in the same one, a few doors down. Dean drags Sam into the room, dropping him on one of the beds with a growl. He's getting too old to be dragging his giant of a brother like a sack of potatoes.

“I’ll get another room,” Dean offered, trying to move around her so as not to set Sam off, “I’ll check in with you in the morning,” he offered with a tight smile, nodding at her before leaving and closing the door behind him.

The next morning, seeing Sam’s much improved condition, Dean smiled before entering the motel room and seeing the Omega sat on the bed, a fresh claiming mark at her neck.

“Well, welcome to the team,” Dean joked, still keeping his distance from her as he knew Sam would still be testy over anyone coming near his Omega, “So listen,” he added a bit abruptly, “I figured you and her could snag a car, make your way back to the Bunker,” he explained to his brother, “I know you two need some time. Fresh bond and all. And I still gotta…you know,” he added sheepishly. Now that Sam’s rut had cleared, he could see how bad Dean was in it.

It was time for him to find his Omega.

Dean sighed as he put the Impala in park, looking through the windshield up at the large facility in front of him. When he and Sam did the spell to locate their mates, they looked up the locations to plan out their routes. That’s when they discovered that Dean’s True Mate’s location - was a psychiatric hospital. He couldn’t imagine why, but he hoped that maybe it was something he could help with.

He tried his best to compose himself, feeling weak and barely holding back from losing himself to his biology. Using his FBI credentials, he was led to a common room, the nurse pointing across the room to a woman sat along, staring out the window. Dean nodded to her and the nurse returned to her duties.

Dean gulped down the hard lump in his throat that threatened to burst into a growl. From the other side of the room he could smell her scent, climbing in and flooding his brain. He tried to shake it off, sweat forming on his brow from the fever, and he urged his body to move towards her calmly.

His scent hit her as she gazed aimlessly out the window. A warmth flowed through her and she closed her eyes, humming in content. She opened them once more, her gaze still outside, as she started gently rocking.

“‘Mega…” Dean breathed quietly, his eyes fluttering closed in small intervals as he approached and her scent got stronger. It was driving him crazy, but he had to be wary of his surroundings, wary of her. He had to stay calm. With long controlled breaths he finally reached his goal, pulling a seat opposite the Omega and huffing out a shaky breath.

She turned her head to look at him, her eyes gently rolling over his face and body before meeting his eyes once more. Her face was blank, but she looked pale and tired and afraid.

“W-who are you?” she asked, eyeing him warily.

Now he was here he didn’t know what to do. His brain was too full of other ideas. His cheeks had grown slightly pink from the quickly growing fever. “M-my name’s Dean Winchester,” he said quietly, “I…you…” he had to stop and clench his eyes for a moment, swallowing another hard lump in his throat, “You’re my True Mate.”

She looked him over once more, taking a deeper breath, before her eyes turned sad, “You’re dying too?” she asked, emotionless in features and tone.

Dean tilted his head at the question, frowning slightly, “Do you mean turning feral?” he had to gulp again, shifting in his seat as his body ached.

“I guess so,” she shrugged, “Too many meds to really know the difference.” She suddenly lurched forward, her elbows on the table as she looked at him intently and wide-eyed, “They say I’m crazy, you know? That what I saw wasn’t what I saw, but I saw what I saw!” she nodded manically along to her words, “You don’t need a crazy Omega.” she shook her head emphatically, looking down at her lap.

Dean jolted back in surprise at her small outburst, but his rational mind kicked in. He’d seen these places before and the meds they give patients, “I’ve seen a lot of things,” he offered, “So why don’t you tell me what you saw?”

“I didn’t do it,” she whisper-hissed, leaning forward on the table and glancing around the room before looking at him again, “He did, he came in and killed her, not me!”

Dean frowned again, his head jumping to ‘potential case mode’, “So, there was a guy?” he pressed her for more information, “What did he look like?”

“He was just a guy,” she shook her head, “B-but his eyes were weird,” she exclaimed wide eyed as if it was happening before her once more, “He killed her and he said I had to come with him because my Alpha was a very bad man. A-and then his eyes…” she trailed off, shaking her head and fighting back tears, “I got away, went to the police…b-but no one believes me.” she whispered sadly.

Dean’s body almost trembled with quickly growing anger. Someone or something knew what he and Sam had been doing. They hurt his Omega.

My Omega.

Mine.

“You’re not crazy,” he growled, quickly rising from his seat and looking down at her, “Omega, we’re leaving.”

She looked up at him in confusion, shaking her head, “I can’t leave,” she stated simply, “I’m scheduled for sterilization to stop my heat hurting me,” she explained as if it were a simple, everyday activity, “Doctor’s orders,” she nodded, turning back to look out the window.

The next thing Dean knew, he had his Omega in his arms and was standing beside the Impala. He was panting for breath and felt exhausted. He had some vague memory of a lot of snarling, roaring and punching Doctors directly in the face.

And now they were here.

“I’m gonna take you somewhere where you’ll be safe,” he breathed, looking down at…uh… “W-what’s your name, Omega?”

“Y/N,” she answered reflexively, still in an emotionless haze through it all, but relinquishing to her Alpha. “You shouldn’t have taken me,” she added, “The man with the eyes, I’ve seen him outside the window sometimes. And my heat is killing me. I’m a disposable Omega.”

“No,” Dean said suddenly and harshly, his arms held her tighter - his splayed out palms squeezing her. He bit back another growl, the scent of her heat crashing into him like a brick wall now his adrenaline fueled outburst was simmering down, “Never say that. You’re my Omega,” he pressed his forehead onto hers, gasping for breath as his body threatened to buckle as he grew weak, “Please…l-let me take care of you.”

She looked at the man, the stranger, the Alpha who had suddenly come in and tore her from her prison, like a knight rescuing a maid from a tower. She wanted to laugh at that, but she’d long ago lost her ability to emote.

They had kept her constantly medicated, to control her heat, her scent, her mind, her actions, anything they possibly could. But for some reason, something about him broke through her constant haze and made her want to just let him take charge.

“Okay, Alpha,” she agreed, just looking at him as she waited for whatever came next.

“‘Mega…” he breathed, voice breaking slightly from restraint. He held her so close, but not close enough at the same time. He could feel her warmth as he held her, her breath fanning across his lips. Some of that restraint slipped. He pressed his lips firmly into hers, the hairs on his neck standing on end as he hummed hungrily.

She pulled from the kiss, her hand gently cupping his cheek and turning his head to see several personnel searching the lot and searching for him, before one of them pointed at him and shouted for his companion.

“Right,” Dean stared wide-eyed before shaking himself back to reality. After ushering Y/N into the car, he quickly climbed in, the loud tire screeching of the Impala tires shortly following as Dean tore the car out of the lot and sped down the road.

When he said ‘somewhere safe’ before, he had meant the Bunker. The way his body was reacting right now however - aching, yearning, pleading to just touch her - he was ninety-nine percent sure he couldn’t last.

There was that motel just a few miles out though…

Y/N said nothing during the drive, her eyes out the window as before at the facility. She seemed still and calm, but also fragile and numb. But inwardly she felt trapped in her own head and unable to break free. She had dreamed about her Alpha, her True Mate, many times as had most people. And now that he was here, she was unable to even really experience it.

The next thing she realized, she was waking up in an unfamiliar room. She was somewhat dazed but her mind and body felt clear for the first time in a long time. She opened her eyes, sitting up slightly to two men at the foot of the bed she was lying in. One was the Alpha from before, the other a new stranger.

“I’ve healed and cleansed her,” Castiel explained, “But Dean-”

Dean had stumbled back, leaning against the wall as he eyes remained on fixed on Y/N. Castiel’s words were like white noise to him, he knew she was healed. If he thought her scent was powerful before, now with all the suppressants - and fuck knows what else - out of her system, it was like it had been turned up to eleven.

His head dropped back with a thud against the wall, his eyes clenching with a restrained growl. “‘Mega…” he breathed, his chest heaving and sweat forming on his brow.

She whimpered as her eyes set on him. She hadn’t felt a full heat in a long time and this one was especially bad. She knew it was him. She could remember their words, his touch, his lips.

“Alpha,” she called meekly, tentatively reaching up a hand in invite from her position on the bed.

“-Sh-she’s still in full heat,” Cas finished his sentence, taking a wary step back as he eyed the duo cautiously.

“Out,” Dean ordered, not even turning to address the Angel.

And Cas vanished.

Before Y/N could blink, Dean was there. His hands bunched in the back of her hair as he hungrily devoured her lips.

She moaned as they connected, his heat and weight soothing her ache and need. Her heart swelled, but a part of him also felt familiar, as if she’d known him all along. She pulled from the kiss, gazing into his eyes, frantic with need but also wanting to savor every moment. When she noticed how far gone he really was, she decided to let him take what he needed.

“My Alpha,” she whispered, kissing him once more.

There was a small rumble in Dean’s throat as his bloodshot eyes gazed directly back into her. He breathed, “Mine,” before his eyes fluttered closed and his mouth attached to her neck. He kissed and sucked a trail down to her collarbone, pressing his body into her as he fully mounted the bed and towered over her. He wanted to smother himself in her scent, every touch sending waves of need through him.

His hips rolled into her, his brain fogging as he quickly pulled at her shirt, ripping it clean off in one swoop before he hungrily mouthed at the swell of her breast.

She could feel the tremble in his muscles as he fought to keep the beast at bay, trying not to scare or hurt her. But she knew he needed more and she wanted to prove she could handle whatever her Alpha gave her.

“I won’t break,” she pleaded, pulling his lips from her body, “Take what you need Alpha, please,” she whispered desperately.

Dean’s eyes darkened, staring at her half-lidded before his hands moved fast. As he hungrily devoured her mouth once more, he quickly stripped them both of their clothes. His hands roamed her with need, quickly moving down to her center before two digits swiftly dove into her core.

He growled as he felt her slick, curling his fingers and pressing firmly into her g-spot, his eyes rolling back as she moaned in surprise. He quickly withdrew his fingers, moving to grab her hips and flip her onto her stomach. He hoisted her hips up to meet him, letting out a low moan as he rutted his painful hard erection through her folds.

She moaned wantonly, arching her back and presenting for him obediently. She purred, rutting back into him, desperate for her Alpha.

He moaned out, mouth hanging open longingly. “My Omega…” he growled lowly, positing the head of his cock between her folds and gripping her hips tightly, “Wanna knot you…” he growled again - hungrier - before slamming his hips forward with a loud grunt. She was perfect, tightening like a vice around him that he hissed blissfully, quickly pistoning his hips with choked huffs and growls.

She moaned loudly, panting hard as Dean set a brutal pace. His grip was tight, his cock filling her completely, slamming hard into her cervix on every thrust. She reached her arms above her, grasping onto the end of the bed for something to hold onto. Using the leverage, she pushed her hips harder back into him, lifting her head to groan out.

Dean leaned forward, his breathing quick and erratic as he pounded her. His lips grazed and sucked on her neck as he moaned, feeling the muscle at the head of his cock begin to swell. His grunts became strained as fought to keep his pace. “Cum on my knot, ‘Mega,” he demanded, releasing one of her hips to rub hard circles on her clit.

Feeling his knot swell she knew she was close to losing her mind. When his fingers found her clit, she stuttered and screamed as her orgasm washed over her, her walls clenching his throbbing length within her. Dean seemed to draw it out as her pleasure seemed to never end.

As her wall clenched him impossibly tighter, Dean roared through one final harsh thrust, holding himself as deep as possible as he finally came, his hot cum shooting deep and filling her. The hand still holding Y/N’s hip gripped bruisingly tight as Dean suddenly bit into her skin.

As her mind finally broke free of the haze of bliss, she realized he had positioned them on their sides spooning. Dean was nuzzling into the mark on her neck and humming, his hands grazing over her skin.

“Who was that man from before?” she suddenly asked, remembering feeling free of the medications and seeing a man there before he just wasn’t there.

“‘N Angel,” Dean mumbled, breathing in her hair and holding her tightly to him, “Cas. Healed you.”

Y/N smirked to herself, rubbing a hand over his forearm that was wrapped around her, “I see you’re still in caveman mode,” she teased.

He smirked with a small hum, not letting her go, ever.

Forevers:

@sis-tafics

@lyarr24

@calaofnoldor

@hobby27

@spnbaby-67

Dean Winchester:

@akshi8278

@jerkbitchidjitassbutt

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