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otomelavenderhaze · 9 months

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I can't stop thinking about the cave dialogue in which Rayan talks about Chloé, his ex wife, therefore I went back to read whole scene back from University Life episode 8, because what Rayan describes in episode 17 of LL is too diferent from that UL episode and from everything I could remember about it.

It's not to say that I caught some sort of insane discrepancy and AHÁ!

It's more because I find it interesting and I thought maybe others would find it interesting as well. So first I wanna show you what Rayan says in episode 8 of UL (which I never translated before until this post):

In my playthrough of it, back in the day, I asked him directly if he have a wife, which he answers yes first and then the proceeds to talk about it...

"And she will forever be my wife. But the last time we saw each other was seven years ago. Already… seven years… My wife, Chloé, died seven years ago. In a terrorist attack. Some savages came in shooting. No fixed target. In shop windows, in people and even in children."

"There were many wounded, and fortunately few dead. But Chloé is one of those who didn't survive… All that happened seven long years ago. It took me time. At first I didn't want to move. I wanted to keep everything, the smallest memory."

Now why I am showing this 4 panells?

This is important to understand how she died, how sad Rayan showed us to be about her death and his attachment towards Chloé.

He even goes as far to say:

"We met in high school and we got married at 23, in a hurry. We didn't tell anyone. But I'm not going to lie to you and say that everything was all roses."

Candy asks him, how so?

"We often quarreled. We stayed together for a long time, we didn't get to know anyone but each other and, sometimes, we even doubted. But when she left… I was torn apart."

Now we will never know why they used to fight, what made them marry so young and so quickly to the point where he implies they didn't even had a wedding ceremony.

Which makes this difficult to understand what compelled both of them to take such actions - maybe they they were just impulsive, but without a reason behind such impulsivity it's hard to tell if it was warrant or not.

But then, the actual panel that made me do this post in the first place eventually comes up in that same conversation with Candy:

"I loved her with all my soul. Before anything else, she was my best friend. But, sorry… I opened up too much…"

And I believe he did, regardless of anything else, because it makes sense for Rayan's character to marry someone for love.

That's the kind of "person" he is, that's why when he falls for Candy, he's ready to assume so many risks and even later talks about leaving his job for her just so they could have a less tense relationship.

This sets up him to be someone that would intensily love another person and do everything for them - they being Chloé or Candy.

I could say this is actually the point of that whole conversation: to show that he isn't someone that takes love lightly or shallowly, which helps us readers to trust his intentions and to believe that, yes, for love he would indeed be honorable, truth and passionate, instead of a player or a man that just wants to have fun with one of his students.

Not mentioning that he presents himself as a tortured soul that lost a wife tragically and never fell in love ever since, but falls in love for you, the reader, because you're special and irreplaceable, is something very flattering and, even, I dare say, romantic.

Meow meow is sad and you're the only one who can fix that for him.

Personally, I don't like how mcl writes grief, I don't think they know how to dose it without losing their hand, so it comes off as shallow for me, but I guess it serves as another thing: Chloe was loved by Rayan, but Candy needs to be special. The player needs to feel special.

Which brings us to this part of the conversation:

"Every women had something of her own. I saw her everywhere. And yet, it's been seven years. Since then, I have been unable to get involved with another woman, in a new relationship. Even in a simple friendship."

"Until… I met you. I don't know… For the first time, I met someone who has none of her. For the first time, I felt entitled not to think about her."

I understand why in an otome game is important to get the romance right and make the player feel compelled to play the character's route, after all, who wouldn't want to feel special, even if it's only on a game - that's why we have so many MCs or main characters in videogames that are heroes, that cares of others or the place they belong to.

However, I will say, maybe they should've worded it differently, maybe it's not so much about feeling entitled to not think about her, but when I realized, I wasn't searching for her traits on you, I wasn't thinking about her anymore, I was ready to move on. But this is just how I would've done it, just so it would come from Rayan the agency of the "healing" - in another words, he had healed himself before he met Candy and falling in love with her was just another evidence of that.

Which brings us back to episode 17 of Love Life, our Honeymoon episode (and pay attention to the parts that I will mark in blue):

"Y'know, I honestly didn't think I would get over losing her. And then after you got in my classroom and into my life. So, yes, I should have a star up there shining for me. Because, with you, I understood the meaning of true love. And it wasn't the same of what I had with Chloé."

"Sometimes, I think, if the story/timeline was another, if I had met you first before I met her... She and I would've been simply friends, without anything else between us. If fate hadn't been so cruel with her, it would've ended like that anyway, actually. I think she would have been happy to see me so happy these days."

"Just like I would have been in seeing her meeting someone else just as important as you're for me. And when I think of her today, is in this way: as a friend that left too soon. And that, of course, I still get a little with my heart tight. She was someone wonderful/beautiful. There's still some of her in me. But, when I met you, I was like a ghost."

Only Rayan to friendzone the dead.

"Thanks to you and our love, she just became a beautiful star, just like my father..."

At first I thought he was saying that he never really loved Chloé and that Candy made him realize that (How? Don't ask me, he doesn't say how), but thinking about this post and re-reading everything made me rethink my first impression of it.

It's not so much that he didn't loved Chloé, but admittedly, and for reasons that Rayan didn't say, he thought love was something else and he thought he loved her because of that notion, and then his notion of love changed because he met Candy and now he thinks that love is truly what he feels for Candy.

I, as someone that played all of his route, can't really say or even figure out how he would've come up with that reasoning.

Was it because for the first time ever, he had put someone else on his top priority, or at least in a more important position than his reputation and career (which he deeply cares for)? But wasn't he a passionate person to begin with? So isn't it natural for him, once he was sure he fell in love for Candy, to put her as his top priority?

Was it Candy presence alone in his life, simply being there, what made him create that notion? How she taught him that?

I don't know, because the way they fell in love was pretty quick and pretty normal I would dare say - normal not in the sense of, he was her teacher, normal in the sense there was nothing remarkable about their dates, the way they sneak around or in their conversations.

I think if he had realize that falling in love with someone new meant that he had "healed" from his past trauma, that he only had feelings for her because he was ready to have feelings for someone again and the sense of normalcy and easiness he felt in being with her was all he ever wanted after going through so much sadness and heartbreak, then, it would make more sense and sound more realistic, maybe?

But again, they wanted to spin that Candy was special, she needed to be the one that changed him, that was like gravity to him and he could not resist the pull of her.

“... It's just that, with you, I never got under the impression of playing any kind of game. Because I had a lot to lose. Before I met you, I had accepted to never love again. I didn’t want to ever risk lose someone ever again... And, above all, you came to enroll in my course. I looked up and knew that my certainties were worthless...” (episode 14 LL)

That's why I talked about his career before.

They set up Rayan to be someone that loves his work, that cares about his reputation and his career, if not, as he only thing he had since he moved away from his family and was living alone.

Risk it all for Candy was to show that he wasn't playing, he wasn't just trying to get a kick out of it.

And knowing how he got after when Marina actually got him fired, how much of a mess it made him, this put things even more in context, it shows that truly, risk it all for her was no joke, even thou, they used to be pretty reckless about it (never gonna forget their first kiss, crazy, both of them).

Which brings me to one of my favorite parts of dialogue in Rayan's route, episode 15 LL, the marriage proposal dialogue:

"It’s funny... for a long time I thought that love was like a burning fire. And I even thought that, in my case, all that was left was ashes of it. Until I met you and I understood that I didn’t know anything. That I have got it wrong in my whole life. With you, I understood that love is like a stream/flow. A wave that breaks again and again without stopping. And that drags everything wherever it goes. You imposed yourself on me like an evidence. In the calm. I knew it right away. But I only understood it this well later on."

Think that love was like a burning fire: it lights up, it shines bright, it consumes itself, then it becomes ashes and there's nothing left of it.

Ouch, Rayan. 😢

Not to mention the destructive nature of fire, but I don't think Rayan or the person who wrote this scene thought it like that necessarily, I think it had more to do with how fragile and how it consume itself, which feels more how like I would expect from how Rayan described his relationship with Chloé before: intense, too quick to think everything through, the fighting, the feeling that it wouldn't last anyway.

Meanwhile Candy is like a strong wave or a strong stream, his love for her dragged everything with it: all his reasoning, his principles and scruples, the risk of losing his reputation, his career, AND breaking again and again, because it didn't matter if he had build any walls to keep her out in the begining, she somehow brought it all down.

Two kinds of love, one feeling less truth and lasting than the other.

While it would've better, in his head, to have remain just a friendship with Chloé, with Candy, there was no way for it to have ended just in friendship, it would always be more.

You can see the contrast between his feelings for Chloé and his feelings for Candy, how it was different and the key word should always be different.

It surprised me to see him talking about their wedding too, Rayan and Chloé married young and in a hurry (we will never know why), meanwhile, Rayan found Candy in a stage of his life when love wasn't even in the table and when it finally came back to the table, Rayan wanted everything, he wanted celebrate it having a proper wedding ceremony and all.

But those are little subtle things that they left out in the air, instead of saying it so clearly like they did so many times before.

Personally, I don't think would've make any sense for Rayan's character to haven't love Chloé, considering they built a life together before he even met Candy, the same way, I don't think we could've ever thought that Rayan loved Chloé more or even the same way he loved Candy.

Cuz, Chloé and Candy not only met him in different moments of his life BUT ALSO, they totally two different women, it would go without saying it.

But I guess, they wanted to make it even more screaming that it was the case, which I can understand why.

I mean, people thought that Rayan had really tried something with Marina, outside of his route: which for those people I always told it would be impossible.

It would go against what they presented to us about him during that first dialogue in episode 8 of UL and it would represent a contradiction in the writing itself. It would bend the rules that they set themselves to follow too grotesquely. Not to mention, MCL never gave other love interests to the Lis that stayed on the side lines.

Unless, of course, they had set things up that we would understand that Marina was such a special existence is moving like Candy - which, okay, I could've accepted it, but they didn't so. That's why I was so sure of it.

Y'know, have to read so much back in his route to make this post made saying goodbye to his route so hurtful but also so fulfilling, I always loved how they wrote him, despite having my criticisms, I am happy that I got to experience Rayan's route from the start to end.

If you haven't played his route like ever, I totally I encourage you to do it now that we got it all. xD

#my candy love #amour sucre #amor doce #corazon de melon #my candy love university life #my candy love love life #mclul #mcl #mclll #Rayan #May #personal #big post #screenshots #screenshot

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i-donot-forget · 9 months

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Inconceivable

I wrote this as the "first approach" between Eric and my Candy, Amy. The idea is to write some more moments that I have in mind, but it could still remain just as an One-Shot. It's a very short EricxCandy, Nath’s route, lots of angst, etc, etc.

Yes Nath, I know, do you think I don't know that the fucking cafe is about to go bankrupt? I don't need you to lecture me

I'm not lecturing you, I just don't think it makes any sense for you to keep that girl who is no contribution at all

I just don't feel it's too much to give her a second chance

It's unnecessary

You know what I think you're right, I shouldn't give second chances

I nailed my eyes on his defiantly, he knew exactly the double intention in my words and couldn't do more than give me a sarcastic half smile.

You seem a bit regretful with some of your decisions, maybe you should take my advice

Enough... I'm not in the mood for this shit, not even to pretend I am, I shake my head and walk to the door, it's late, quite late. I grab my coat and leave the house without any opposition, it's getting to be a habit. I go downstairs thinking about who to write to. Rosa? no of course not, Castiel? It would be ideal if he would actually answer the damn cell phone sometime... Chani? no, I don't want to bother her... Alexy?

And I don't know how it all turned into a discussion about how I don't respect his principles...

Alex listens without an opinion while pouring a couple of drinks, not because he doesn't care, but because my constant nightly visits to complain about my relationship problems have exhausted all his advice, he has already said it all, he has opined on everything and here I am, on his couch at 2 a.m., upset with my cute and stupid boyfriend.

Sometimes I feel that... it doesn't matter...

No, no, say it, you're already here, you woke me up, the least you can do is get it all out.

I shake my head low, watching my fingers run along the rim of my glass.

Sometimes I feel like I made a mistake.... That Nath and I, we should never have been more than friends

I confess in a low voice, I don't dare to look Alexy, I feel like shit, but finally releasing those words gives me a strange feeling of freedom, lightness, of having taken a small weight off my shoulders.

You know there's no solution for that, right?

I nod my head silently... Damn it, why do I feel so trapped?

I love him you know, I really love him.

Tears well up in my eyes and I take long heavy breaths in an attempt to hold them back.

Ever since I met him, I've only wanted to protect him, I want him to be happy... but....

You are not happy with him...

Alex finishes a sentence that was more than implied, my body feels tense, so tense it hurts, I raise my arm and empty the alcohol in my glass at once. As soon as I set it down on the table, Alexy begins to prepare another.

3.30 am and I can no longer continue to abuse the hospitality and good availability of my friend... Alex calls me a cab and I get in, praying that Nath will be asleep when I get home... The alcohol and the confessions leave me drained of my strength to face those amber eyes. I get to the door and before I put the key in I clearly hear a conversation on the other side, male voices... great.... I turn on my phone's camera to assess my expression and practice my best "everything is fine" smile before entering.

Oh, hi Eric, how are you?

Eric greets me with a half smile and a nod, I approach Nathaniel to kiss him like the happy couple we are, he smiles at me until my body covers his view of Eric, in that brief moment I see clearly how his expression is disfigured, he turns his face at the last moment and I plant my kiss on his cheek Really Nath? Really?

How did it go?

He asks to cut the awkward silence that hopefully only the two of us notice, as I walk around the apartment spreading out my things.

Fine, fine, Alex was telling me about his life, his new job and stuff

Wasn't Armin there?

No, but from what he let me know, they may be considering moving in together

Sounds complicated

Well, it's only complicated with the wrong person

Shit, Amy what the fuck are you saying? I glance quickly at Eric who didn't seem to be affected by the second hidden conversation Nath and I were having.

Would you like to stay with us for a while? I can make you a drink

No... No thank you, don't bother, I'm fainting. You don't mind if I go to sleep?

I disappear backstage, locked in the room I feel an urgent impulse to tear everything apart, I strip naked on my way to the shower and let the water wash away everything it can, but it doesn't work, I want to punch the wall, throw my things around the apartment, bang my head against the tiles. I breathe, again and again and again, in and out, I throw myself on the bed to half dry, I feel so tired, so exhausted, my head is spinning and I don't know anymore if it's because of my life, because of the problems or if it's just because of the alcohol.

I blink a couple of times immobile, I can't move, as if a huge weight is crushing my body, in front of me Nath's face, a couple of strands on his slightly frowning brow, still asleep he looks like he's upset, but still he looks so.... Angelic and peaceful, I move a blond lock away from his eyes and let my hand caress his cheek, he looks so cute like this, I would like to freeze this moment forever, between dreams he slides his hand over mine in a sweet gesture, I can't help but smile, until reality hits me again and I feel like I can't hold back the urge to burst into tears.

I get up without making a sound, my chest hurts and squeezes my throat tightly forcing me to gasp for breath, I leave the room pressing my hands against my eyes as tears slip through my fingers, an involuntary sob escapes my lips breaking the silence, suddenly I bump into something that shouldn't be there.

I look up and thanks to the dim first light of the morning I run into Eric's back who looks as surprised as I do, if not more.

A-Amy

He said in a barely perceptible whisper, at the same time my meager defenses were collapsing like a house of cards.... Come on Amy, not here, not like this, not in front of him. Unable to fight any longer I broke into a thousand pieces, unconsciously clinging to his jacket, overflowing with all the anger, sadness and frustration I had been accumulating. Crying inconsolably with my face pressed to his chest, I felt one of his hands encircling my shoulders and the other resting on my head causing my crying to intensify, I can't stop myself, I can't control myself, I feel so bad, so alone in my predicaments.... Then I inhale the intense scent of leather, cigarettes, coffee and alcohol that fills my senses, after a few seconds of breathing him in, I calm down, until I can finally separate from him, covering my mouth with my hand and turning my face in the opposite direction, embarrassed...

Uh- I'm sorry, I... Drinking makes me a little sensitive...

My voice was weak and strange, I try to sound normal... like fine, but I know it's not credible...

Don't worry kid, I was just leaving.

I'll walk you to the door...

I mumbled walking after him to the exit, he left without adding anything else, alone again I carried my weight at the door, my heart was beating a thousand per hour... it could be-

My phone rings and I answer it quickly and without looking before the noise wakes Nathaniel.

Hello? Hyun? Yes... No, don't worry, I've been up for a while. Yes, of course, of course, I'll get ready and go. It's nothing.

#mcl #mclll #mcl fanfic #mcl eric #mcl oc #beemoov #my candy love #mycandylove #my candy love eric #my candy love love life

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