#my context is where the issue of drugs is a bloody matter

[nightcoremoon]

why am I a jerkass who rains on everyone else's parade when I say I don't like gory horror films because I find movies whose plot consists of some dude stabbing a bunch of people to be fucking stupid pointless boring schlock that only exists to stroke the boners of people who enjoy watching other people die vicariously from a good safe distance, especially when their sequels just cheaply kill off all of the survivors from the earlier films thus rendering the plot of the earlier ones L I T E R A L L Y COMPLETELY FUCKING POINTLESS

but when someone says they don't like seeing sexual assault portrayed in movies (valid) and that people who put them in are evil and bad and dumb and bad tasteless artists, everyone is like yes yes good perfect okay you have the correct opinion here have a good star

hey newsflash assholes, if you're watching a fictional movie about a clinical sociopath who butchers animals, beats the absolute shit out of people they don't like until they're crying and shitting their pants and bleeding out the eyes and pleading for mercy, tying a dude to a chair and then slicing his jugular and glaring in his eyes until he bleeds out, bludgeons some guy for no fucking reason until his blood and brain spatters the kitchen floor, stabs his (naked) sister 17 times (after slowly tracing his fingers on her leg no less, ew), stabs a nurse in the neck with a fork and killing her for literally no reason, then a decade and a half later going back to his hometown just to stab a dozen people with ice skates and pitchforks and good old fashioned kitchen knives, and having the film depict this all in graphic bloody detail

and your ONLY problem is that somewhere along the way two disgusting scum workers at an asylum took a brand new catatonic female patient into his room and fucked her until they messed with his masks so he just breaks their fucking skulls open (which define his character as someone who clearly has no compassion for others but will shatter your bones and strangle you just for touching his stuff), and it's that a girl was raped and not that you watched a guy pulverize two men into bloody giblets...

idk man something about that feels wrong. you're okay with watching fictional murder but not fictional rape even though neither are glorified or justified and it exists purely to cause discomfort and distress in the viewer because it's a fucking horror film and horror is supposed to expose you to depravity and as art it serves to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

don't get me wrong rape is bad but like

so is fucking murder.

why can't I express my discomfort in society's gratuitous endorsement and desensitization to killing in fictional media without people taking it as a personal attack and then turn around and do the exact same thing to rape

it's a double standard and it's so stupid

you can eat popcorn and watch jason voorhees rip teenagers in half and then berate me for not having a good time bathing in someone else's blood and then in the same breath #cancel rob zombie's director's cut of his halloween reboot because there's a rape scene in it. the violence is okay; you like the violence, no, you love the violence. that's perfectly fine? violence is good. freddy can force a recovering addict to OD on heroin, that's fine. john doe can force a fat guy to eat spaghetti at gunpoint until his fucking intestines burst, that's okay. mark hoffman can lock an innocent woman in a brazen bull and cook her alive just to fridge her and punish her husband for a lie that he made, that's awesome and wonderful and /super cool/. it's bullshit.

I'm not here to say YOU CAN'T like nightmare in elm street. you can like the texas chainsaw massacre. you can like my bloody valentine. you can like the thing. you can like wrong turn. you can like saw. you can DISlike rob zombie's movies. you can fast forward through the rape scenes in halloween, house of 1000 corpses, and the devil's rejects if the scenes make you uncomfortable (as they are intended to do so because it's a fucking grimdark edgy music video inspired horror movie). I'm not here to tell you that YOU CAN'T have an opinion on things.

but it's a special kind of entitled to insinuate that not only is your opinion the divine right of kings and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong and dumb and evil, but that a squicky scene you don't like actively makes the entire film Objectively Bad™.

maybe I don't like the fact that tatum gets crushed in a garage door. maybe it squicks me. maybe it unsettles me. maybe I think that it detracts from the film when all billy had to do was just stab her one and done without making a huge ordeal out of it. maybe I think it only exists to make a spectacle out of death and gorify- sorry, I mean glorify, murder, because it's exciting and intriguing to some who take solace in the macabre. "the effects are cool". maybe I don't like it. but you can like it.

I can dislike it. you can like it. we're both valid. that's how opinions work.

"but people get triggered by rape"

people get triggered by drugs. people get triggered by food. people get triggered by religion. people get triggered by a lot of things. people get triggered by slit throats, strangling, and hanging. you're valid for your triggers and you can avoid whatever fucking content you wish but if you think only your very particular specific trigger is the one that's valid, screw everyone else? go fuck yourself. you selfish piece of shit. you're not the only person in the world. it isn't hard to respect that you're not the only worldview in the world.

but then again, maybe it is hard, considering nobody fucking does it. everyone's trapped in their own little world where they're the only one who matters. they don't give a single shit about anyone else but themselves and others they can project onto because they're similar. they don't care if you can't match them in any way. you're a freak if you're different and you don't matter.

never mind the fact that 90% of slasher horror is misogynist, ephebophilic, racist, exploitative of the mentally ill and physically deformed, in some cases appropriations of the non-christian religions, and in the other 10% it's actually a horror comedy.

but if a white girl is sexually assaulted that's the only time anyone bothers being compassionate

now a disclaimer because I know for a fact that people are gonna put words in my mouth and take shit out of context and point out things I didn't explicitly state outright and try to make me out to be some fucking evil boogeyman

not saying you SHOULDN'T be compassionate to rape victims and I'm not saying I personally enjoy rape scenes in movies and I'm not saying that I particularly like the inclusion of those scenes in those movies and there is certainly a conversation to be had on the very misogynist nature of hollywood cinema as a whole in the horror genre especially and we should keep in mind the thermian argument and it's a complex issue, I know I know I know so shut the fuck up I don't owe you a passing grade on clout or the semantics of discourse or virtue signaling.

it's just stupid that people only get upset if a fictional white girl gets raped in a gore porn movie when it ~doesn't suit the narrative~. ok, this is the narrative: scary man stabs, the end.

scary men stab all the time. scary men shoot. scary men suicide bomb. scary men patent insulin and sell it at an upcharge poor diabetics can't afford. scary men drop bombs on kids in syria. scary men put mexicans in concentration camps. scary men slaughter thousands of men and women for their religion or their sexuality or their skin color. scary men do a lot of bad shit. your silence on these issues does much more harm to society than *checks notes* a scary movie about bad people doing bad things and facing karmic retribution for it.

TL;DR rape is bad, and murder is also bad, and american horror films have 100s of problems, and people need to start voicing their opinions as opinions and not pretending they're facts because it's super fucking annoying

[percontaion-points]

Let’s Read: Readict “Not Rejected Just Unwanted”, parts 2-5

Yesterday, after having read the first chapter, I talked with my friend who turned me onto the app. She also downloaded it and started reading the story too. “If you sneeze, you'll miss the entire thing,” she said.

Maybe I should do more than just one chapter at a time? I guess that I'll see how I'm feeling, and how much the app lets me read!

Chapter 2

So following that encounter, Raine no longer felt like attending school. Like... bitch, nobody wants to attend school. You can't just ditch simply because...???? Reasons. But her teachers give her her school work for the day, and she goes to sign out. Which she can apparently do at this magical werewolf school where students can just ditch whenever they fucking feel like it.

However, as she's leaving the building, she's randomly ganged up on by a group of people. They surround her and start beating the shit out of her. Obviously, they have a reason for doing this, but Raine insists that she doesn't know what they're talking about. Lovely.

They're stopped by a mystery man, who helps Raine inside to the school doctor. Raine is having difficulty seeing, thanks to her beating, but when her vision miraciously clears as soon as she's inside, she's surprised to see that it's “Alpha” Jonathan Nelson. Aw, I'm disappointed that it isn't the name of another random celebrity.

Anyway, as you might expect, after having taken a beating like that where she literally lost her ability to see, the doctor says that he can't treat Raine there, and she needs to go to the hospital. Apparently, everybody here is a werewolf, and he doesn't say “the hospital”. No, he says “the werewolf hospital”. Because there's apparently a fucking difference.

Raine somehow thinks that she's in good condition to drive, but Jonathan (I fucking refuse to call him Alpha) says no, and physically picks her up and puts her over her shoulder, like the petulant child she is.

Just then, Frodo shows up and demands to know what's going on. To be fair... if I see a man carrying a woman who's bloody and bruised, I'm going to be asking a lot of questions, too.

Chapter 3

Jonathan tells Elijah that he's trying to take Raine to the “pack doctor”, that she was jumped by several others outside. Elijah wants to take her instead, and tells Jonathan to get to class. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. WHY IS NOBODY ASKING WHY THIS KID WAS JUST WANDERING AROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASSES?! WHY WAS A GIANT GROUP OF STUDENTS WAITING OUTSIDE TO JUMP RAINE?! IS THERE NO LAW IN THIS SCHOOL?! IS THIS SET IN THE WILD WEST OR SOMETHING?!

Anyway, Raine continues to insist that she can drive herself to the hospital. But the second that she's put down on the ground, she falls. Jonathan grabs her again, and insists to Elijah that he should get back to class.

Outside in Jonathan's car, Raine asks about her own truck. Jonathan insists that he'll get Elijah to drive it back home for her. And then he asks for Raine's name.

They go to the hospital, where they say that she has a bunch of broken bones, randomly sprained her wrist, and a concussion. Nobody says shit about lacerations, which Raine herself mentioned in the story earlier when she said that her lip was busted up and that it hurt to smile and talk. Furthermore, they don't say anything about having run any tests other than to just simply look at her. With injuries like broken ribs, it's likely that she has some insanely serious internal injuries. And honestly, those can be way worse than external ones, because they can get deadly if not found. (Hey, when I'm not watching crime dramas, I'm watching medical dramas.)

Also this: “Well she doesn't seem to be healing properly, so we'll have to run some tests to see.” [sic]

NOT HEALING PROPERLY?! BITCH, THIS HAPPENED... WHAT?! 10-30 MINUTES AGO?! I know in a lot of stories, werewolves can heal fast. But nowhere in this story is a healing factor mentioned at all!

Furthermore, why the fuck did nobody at the school call the police? Not only for the group of lawless teenagers running around and beating the shit out of unsuspecting people, but because this girl has some insane injuries. Not even the school doctor who assessed THAT THIS GIRL SHOULD GO TO THE GODDAMNED HOSPITAL once mentioned actually calling for a goddamned ambulance.

But then again, maybe they don't have a pack ambulance.

Not even five seconds after the doctor assessed Raine, she tells Jonathan that he should get back to school. He insists that it's fine. But then he asks what's up with her and Elijah. She tries to deflect the issue, but Jonathan calls her out on her lie, and she confesses that the two of them are mates.

Chapter 4

Jonathan is surprised to hear about Raine and Elijah. But Raine said that Rose will never find out, because “he doesn't want me”. Even though I'm pretty sure that Raine was the one who pushed Elijah away, but you know. Drama for the sake of drama. There is no point about any of this, but at least with a girlfriend for the mate, then there's some problem that needs to be overcome.

She also mentions that she asked Elijah not to flat-out reject her today because it's her birthday.

Oh, and the doctor “draws some blood” and does an ultrasound. Raine doesn't like needles because she once saw a scary movie where the bad-guy used a needle and it was scary! And like... I get it. Needles aren't fun. But do you want to know what is the literal goddamned worst? DYING OF INTERNAL INJURIES. Although, how the fuck is anybody supposed to figure out if she's got an internal bleed or not by doing a goddamned blood test? I mean, the ultrasound will figure some things out, but come on.

But anyway, Jonathan thinks that Elijah “rejecting” Raine is what's causing her to not heal. He says that he lost his mate, and knows how it feels. He also feels sorry for her, and says that she deserves better.

Jonathan then randomly asks where her friends are. IN CLASS, BITCH. IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMNED MORNING. WE ALL CAN'T JUST SKIP CLASS TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW.

But because she's the woefully distraught teenage protagonist, Raine says that she doesn't have friends. This just ups her sympathy level in Jonathan's eyes. He says that he wants to be her friend, because he knows what it's like to have lost a mate.

The doctor then gives Raine something that will help her boost her healing abilities. Well, at least some of this is explained. But I wish that the story had actually bothered to tell us some of it before it was just randomly tossed in there. A little context would have been fucking nice, but whatever. But it really helps Raine to feel a lot better, and she's able to get back to Jonathan's car on her own. She's just coherent enough to hear him mutter “so cute” before she passes out from the drug.

Because of course there's going to be a goddamned shitty love triangle.

Chapter 5

And hey! Do you guys know what could possibly make this story BETTER?! Randomly switching the first person POV to Jonathan's! Which is a huge clue that he's going to be the end-game love interest.

Honestly, I used to read fics like this when I was 12. The only difference is that I fucking grew out of wanting to read poorly written trash like this.

After texting Elijah to bring Raine's car around later (and she randomly left her keys in the car, because that's fucking normal...), Jonathan then sits and thinks about Raine. She's so nice! I can tell from the two second conversation that we had!

I get that it would make anybody angry to see the end result of a gang fight like that, with so many people against one person. But at the same time, Jonathan will not shut the fuck up about how “nice” Raine is, even though like... how the hell would he even really know?

He then thinks about the shit situation Elijah is in with Rose. Jonathan had warned Elijah not to date before finding your mate, but Rose had manipulated Elijah to be with her. According to Jonathan, Rose is a lying bitch who manipulates and uses people. Which... yep. Book went there. And let's just say that Elijah refuses to acknowledge any of this about Rose, because he's... uh... probably thinking with not the brain in his head, if you catch my drift.

AND OH MY GOD. THE FORMATTING IN THIS IS JUST AWFUL. WHO THE FUCK TOLD THIS PERSON THAT THEY COULD FUCKING WRITE?!

Jonathan eventually gets to... who the fuck knows. He didn't even fucking know Raine's name until like an hour earlier. Neither did Elijah, I might add (this is for later). Jonathan goes back to thinking about how much Raine's situation with Elijah and Rose is going to suck, because Raine is going to go into heat. AND OH MY GOD. IF THERE IS SEX IN THIS BOOK, I WILL PROBABLY HUNT DOWN THE AUTHOR AND HURT HER.

Elijah shows up as Jonathan starts to take Raine inside from the car. Elijah starts to get insanely pissy about how Jonathan is holding her. However, Jonathan only heard from Raine about how she rejected Elijah, but twisted the story to make her seem like the victim in all of this.

Oh, and they're not at Raine's house. Apparently, all of the teenage werewolves live in a place called “the packhouse”, where they go to be with their mates once they find them. The parents live downstairs, or in stand-alone houses elsewhere in the town.

Jonathan takes Raine up to his room, because... that's not fucking creepy at all. He covers her up, and is about to leave, when she begs him to stay. Because of course she does. And then Jonathan randomly decides that he's going to protect her, no matter what.

And I'm out. This is about as much as I can take in one sitting. Goodbye.

#Let's Read #Readict #Not Rejected Just Unwanted #Elijah Wood

[fitzpirations]

Spoiler Alert

Feel the need to share this well-written recap of this Gillian Flynn miniseries. I’ve been watching it with my mother the past few nights, and tonight we watched the last three episodes. Usually we watch one and go it can’t end like that and get through part of another before she falls asleep, and we have to pack it up. 

Tonight we were riveted. And, in general, we hate the show. It’s awful. It’s full of whimsy artistic shots and loud music and we watch it with the subtitles because our television is cheap and everyone seems to be whispering. But it’s also so great and keeps pulling you in and we couldn’t look away. Except for a self-harm scene, I looked away for that. It’s necessary for the story but Too. Real. 

There’s plenty I didn’t like about the experience. I thought the small town setting was, like always, convenient. I thought Camille’s scars are like Michael Scofield’s tattoos in prisonbreak, just a bit too neat, right? How did she get the words on her back my mom murmured in disbelief. A mirror, probably. I’m not saying someone couldn’t do that to themselves. It’s just a lot. Certain characters were so subdued or in-your-face that they annoyed the crap out of me. Amma is this pouty innocent girl at the home and a ballsy, rude partying teenager outside. She’s clingy to her sister but also nasty to her. Adora’s entire being irritated me every episode, the soft way she spoke, her context-less escalations of conversations with Camille, not wanting any part of her story or anything. Alan is practically furniture and his character gives the least amount of anything. But in the end, they tick me off and it’s on purpose, it’s real and it’s great writing. 

As Bastién highlights, Alan and the chief are violently complicit, and no one in town every says what they mean. Flynn gives us so much, and in researching the finale more, and watching the end credits for closure- my mother and I completely missed a telling reveal of the murders and I excitedly told her while she brushed her teeth and told me to be quiet because it’s 1 am- I came across some quotes from the book in the comments. Now my experience with Flynn is brief, I’ve seen her name around and lamented the spelling, and I’ve seen Gone Girl. The prose, from the small snippet I saw, is great. Finishing Sharp Objects, I’m reminded why I never read Flynn’s work, and that she is the same person who wrote Gone Girl. 

The review above sums up all the major plot points well, and touches on Richard’s role in the end. I think Chris Messina’s acting in the last episode was probably the highlight of his work the whole show, from the look of knowing something at the door of the house, to his kindness and instant recoil at Adams’s Camille upon seeing her scars, to his simple, but weighty “I’m sorry” in the hospital. It goes without saying Amy Adams was robbed of every acting award for this as well. It’s foolish to wish they characters could find some peace within each other, and the show doesn’t offer that. Apparently the book doesn’t give that final scene at the hospital, just that we never hear from him again. Camille tries to hurt herself again, Amma goes to jail, it ends with a reflection of parenting and poison. 

I don’t know. It was very effective television, even when it had its issues. Wikipedia tells me the director fought with half the crew about his imagery and forced him to used the dialogue in the script- a good choice. There’s a lot we don’t get, Camille’s full story in the woods, her upbringing with her fake sick sister, a happy ending, a sense of solace. I like that we don’t learn everything, we have to assume, listen to the mentally ill Camille who either brushes off the idea of her trauma, staunchly tells one abuser she’s moved on, or seems to say “yeah, sure, that was me.” We learn how crazy she was in Wind Gap, all the things the townspeople think of her, when she left the town, except we don’t. We just hear that people are talking. And that’s all they ever do- but as Detective Willis says, if the things people say are half-true, it’s a problem. 

Overall I’m conflicted. I think generally I’m pleased a piece of art can illicit such a strong response out of both me and my mother, as she often writes off these shows in the end. But we were both impacted. I do think all the spider imagery and the constant flashing of Marian in the mirrors and the rehab roommate’s bloody face were a bit too much. But that’s just it, I guess. It’s stifling in Wind Gap. Camille is suffocating. This ending episode especially, where we see Amma approach the door of the house, only to be stopped, the girls sluggish and drugged... it seems all but impossible to get out. Later we learn Amma is the killer, and that she had no incentive to leave her cushy house where her mother and father help her ignore her crimes, because certainly they knew. A youtube comment pointed this out well, about the dollhouse and about how Adora seems to declare she’s glad Amma is off the hook at dinner. It’s all insane. Camille and John Keene hooking up was meaningful but also wild. Yet in the environment the women live in, there is nothing but lashing out, and subduing things with drugs and alcohol, ignoring the obvious, subverting. 

Nothing actually matters in the town. The twisted “Calhoun Day” is a tale of violation and Confederate loyalty, yet the town relishes in it. The roller-blading trio are always out past curfew drunk and high, and vulnerable to the killer out there. Yet of course they are the killers, but that doesn't seem to matter. Alan and Adora don’t sleep in the same room but it’s all the same on the outside. Camille and the detective never go on a real date, but to everyone in town they’re practically married. To his credit, he tries very hard to understand it all- his is my favorite perspective of the series because he acts as the audience's viewpoint the most. He’s the outsider looking in, baffled. I don’t think everything is perfect, but Flynn is telling us this is real. You can’t look away. It’s gritty. It’s gruesome. People cut themselves and kill each other and dope themselves and let others poison them and run trains on each other in the woods and we can’t dispute it. This stuff happens, and there isn’t always resolve. One would hope Camille’s article, which is achingly, beautifully written touches someone caught in the mothering cycle she is. Needless to say, after watching this show, I’m happy to turn to my chaotic, sheltered version of 2020, and think thank God I don’t live in the South. 

[delightful-mystery]

Why I Boycotted Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

Before I begin, I want to start by saying that the word “boycott” obviously means that I haven’t seen the film. It’s kind of unusual for me to argue about something without fully informing myself of the facts first, but this is something I had to write about. 

(and I will watch Once Upon a Time in Hollywood once I can source it for free…)

Okay, so now that we have the disclaimer out of the way, I want to begin by saying I used to be a massive Tarantino fan. I still am, to some extent. I love violent films and gore, and I am never one to shy away from anything because it is too weird or too violent (I’m not saying I class Tarantino as particularly weird, but I think he wants to be, and for mainstream films, he’s not the most basic). 

But, looking back on his films now from the perspective of someone who knows a little bit more about the world than the 15-year-old girl who persuaded her dad to watch Pulp Fiction with her, I feel uncomfortable. Not about the violence inherently, not even about the violence against women inherently, but about the fact that every punch in the face that a pregnant Uma Therman received was directed by a man. 

Obviously, feeling uncomfortable is kind of Tarantino’s end game here. But how much power over our emotions should be demanded by a white man who has never come up against societal oppression in his life? It’s weird. And that’s even before you start thinking about how many N-words you hear in his films. He does pay homage to the blaxploitation film trend with Jackie Brown, but… he’s not black? So is it his trend to reclaim?

Moving on from Tarantino himself, I next wanted to talk about why it was Once Upon A Time in Hollywood which particularly spiked my annoyance. And this is where I get to nerd out about one of my favourite true crime stories of all time – the Manson Murders. In a way similar to Tarantino reclaiming a narrative which is not his to reclaim, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and the true crime story of the Manson Murders is a story which, I believe, should be reclaimed by women. 

The Manson Murders are one of the most widely talked about true crime stories out there. It’s also my personal favourite, another reason why I got so annoyed about this film being made. Charles Manson was a very troubled man who wanted to be a rockstar. Towards the end of the sixties, after a troubled childhood and adolescent spent in and out of prison, he began to gather a cult around him, known as “The Family”, convincing vulnerable young women who had run away from home that he was the messiah and would save them from the imminent apocalypse. What he really wanted was to record and release an album in response to the Beatles’ White Album, which he believed held the secret to surviving the apocalypse and was calling for him, in secret messages, to respond with his own music. When his demos were rejected by the music moguls of Hollywood, Manson told his followers that they had to enact revenge on those who wronged him, leading some of his right-hand women to kill an 8-month pregnant Sharon Tate and some of her friends who were in the house with her. 

[This is a very condensed version of what happened. For an in-depth version, I recommend the podcast ‘You Must Remember This’ and its series named ‘Manson’s Hollywood’.]

Creepy Manson is creepy.

Manson used a variety of methods to ensure that, once in the cult, the members were not able to leave. They felt they depended on him, and he constantly fed them lies about being the chosen one, how special they were to him, as well as giving them tabs of acid and talking to them whilst they were tripping. This sort of tactic obviously includes a lot of manipulating, brainwashing, gaslighting and more, even before we get to the illegal drugs. This sort of operation could only have happened on this scale at this time – i.e. the late sixties, where it was commonplace to “turn on, tune in, drop out” (a.k.a. running away from home to practice free love and take lots of acid) – meaning that there were plenty of young women and men roaming the streets. Manson’s “commune” on his ranch must have seemed like the perfect opportunity for them to find like-minded people who also believed in a new world. Charles Manson gathered followers over the years and told them of ‘Helter Skelter’ (so named after the Beatles’ song) – the apocalypse led by black people who would kill all the whites. This obviously sounds crazy written on paper, but after leaving their whole lives behind and being brainwashed instead by a guy who had smooth-talked his way into living in one of the Beach Boy’s homes (seriously, he did that), his followers were primed to believe anything. 

The Manson Murders are a gendered issue. And this is where I have a problem. It’s literally a tale of how one man manipulated a bunch of women. Vulnerable women, at the hands of one man who, after years of coercion and brainwashing, were manipulated into carrying out one of the most bizarre and bloodthirsty crimes that the States have ever seen. 

“Hold up now, weren’t there men in Charlie’s cult as well?”

Well yes, anonymous keyboard-owner, there were. And I’m glad you asked. There were indeed men involved in Charles Manson’s cult, but it was only the women who were subjected to the sexual manipulations, coercion and rape which Manson inflicted on his followers. He also predominantly targeted women to join The Family. Men were collateral damage in this instance, people he just picked up along the way. His main priority was finding women to follow him, and for him to have sex with. 

The crime itself was carried out by Tex Watson, Susan Atkins, Patricia Kenwinkle and Linda Kasabian. It was predominantly women who committed the best-known act of Tate’s murder (and the murder of the LaBiancas which I’m going to guess isn’t given as much screen time in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood because by this point Margot Robbie isn’t around?) and the murder of Tate’s unborn child in a perversion of motherhood which many see as a complete rejection of her femininity. Again, this story is a gendered crime. The manipulation which led up to it was gendered. It’s an extreme case of gaslighting and manipulation, sure, but it wouldn’t be the first time a woman has been manipulated by a narcissistic man. 

And somehow, I don’t think Tarantino would take all of this into account when directing his film. 

I have yet to watch it, of course (and I will post a follow-up review once I have and we can see if any of these predictions were right). But what I have done is read The Girls by Emma Cline. One of the best books I have ever read, The Girls is an occasionally overwritten but nonetheless a beautifully hazy and melancholic look at the end of the sixties, and loosely based on Charles Manson and The Family. It’s such a good read, whether you know about the Manson Murders or not (I have read it once before, and once after, becoming a nerd about this subject matter). What it’s especially good at, however, is bringing in the context of being a woman in this society. I have a few passages highlighted in this book. One of them is as follows; “All that time I had spent readying myself, the articles that taught me life was really just a waiting room until someone noticed you – the boys had spent that time becoming themselves.” She recognises that the fiendish acts of Manson would not have been able to occur had patriarchal inequality not existed. There are other examples of this being recognised, Charlie Says being one of them – a slightly underwhelming film by Guinevere Turner and directed by Mary Harron, the team behind American Psycho. This film uses the art-rehabilitation program in the Santa Cruz Prison Project – aimed to rehabilitate female inmates with feminist praxis and reading, and other art-based creative projects designed to give them more of a sense of self, independent from Manson – to frame the narrative and explore deeper the characters of the Mason murderesses. Unfortunately, it’s a great idea carried off without much success, but this is only one drop in the ocean of Manson-related media.

Matt Smith, Marian Rendon, Kayli Carter and Merritt Weaver in the sadly lacklustre feminist take on the Manson murders, Charlie Says.

We as a culture are obsessed with him. There’s countless films about this guy – Helter Skelter,  The Manson Family, Summer of Love (which was never actually finished). He has almost 40,000 monthly listeners on Spotify. I see Once Upon as a film which panders more towards the status of Manson and examines his crimes in the way that Tarantino tends to look at violence – with curiosity, and without moral judgement. I’m not saying you can’t make a fun film about the late sixties but I guess I would feel more comfortable if it was guaranteed that these issues would be explored sensitively by someone who understands them. 

But hey, I guess I could be wrong. I haven’t seen it after all. The film, from what I can tell, does not focus so much on “The Family” and instead chooses to follow at Leo and Brad as a failing actor and his stunt double. Does that make it better or worse? Does Margo Robbie get the well-rounded character development she deserves before Tate is brutally murdered by the women of The Family? And that’s another thing – Tarantino’s history of woman-on-woman action and fighting is not the most reassuring thing for me to base this essay on. It’s fetishistic and bloody – take again the scene of pregnant Uma Therman being beaten up by her co-workers in Kill Bill. It’s not to say his scenes in which he depicts violence against men are not completely horrible as well (the rape in Pulp Fiction, for example), but – as far as I’m aware – that scene was not based on a true story.

Tarantino has also, in his personal life, defended both Harvey Weinstein and Roman Polanski (also weirdly caught up in the story of the Manson Murders as he was married to Sharon Tate at the time). He has also caused Uma Therman permanent injuries of her neck and knees due to what she describes as “criminal negligence” during a dangerous driving scene in Kill Bill, which he insisted she did, instead of a stuntwoman. I’m just saying, he may not have the best understanding of how violence against women, and women’s issues in general, should be portrayed onscreen.

Then again, I haven’t watched the film. But after reading this piece, I would hope that you understand why I chose not to.

from Why I Boycotted Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

#Why I Boycotted Once Upon A Time In Hollywood #personal #mylife

[icharchivist]

Do you have a leopika playlist? Or just songs that reminds you of? Always when I listen to "13 Beaches" from Lana Del Rey they come to my thoughts.

Heyo nonny!! 

I tried to find the song on youtube but apparently the original one had been removed, so I tried listening a cover and reading the lyrics. And I get what you mean! This is a really pretty song and it would fit them well!

As to answer your question about if I have a Leopika playlist….

*coughs*

Now not all of them are fitting perfectly, a few are generic lovesongs I just really love in that context, and even a few are more songs I associate more to one or the other. So if I was to make a list, i’d be shorter than this. 

…… And if you’re curious I can post most of my playlist.

Before going under the cut with more song, I will first mention probably the most important Leopika song I have in my playlist and that is Angel Heart by Keiji Fujiwara, Leorio’s Seiyuu. 

It’s a song for his character, Hughes in Fullmetal alchemist 2003, but look at the lyrics:

making a phone call in a place that has no answer your quiet back seemed as though it had been cryingand the pain you intend to hide well, I know it all I made a promise, didn’t I? (..)I softly kissed your sleeping face buried in the sofa so that you won’t catch a coldthe thoughts I send to you are angel heart but I’m troubled, in reality, you were my angelif it’s a time when sadness pierces your chest believe in your strength, I’ll become a transparent shieldLike a miracle, we met in the corner of an intersection where rain was falling I’ll become the umbrella for my beloved

(the rest of the translations is in the comments of the video I linked, please do yourself a favor and go listen to Leorio singing sweet love song about people not answering the goddamn phone)

Now if you want there’s a little more under the cut because I love my playlist and if any songs might inspire you, this would be neat. Hope you’ll like it! (although i’m sorry my musical taste is all over the place)

Take care!

(and now songs under the cut - alphabetic order, songs with a * are generally those i really love and associate with them.)

(… Also I may have more angsty songs that happy ones that fits them a lot. I feel bad about it. But the happy ones are super generic so…)

Oh and I made a playlist over those songs on Youtube if ever someone wants. It’s 50 songs long (see when I said I cut some of it). 

Under the cut the details ;O Take care!

*-After Dark - Mr. Kitty

The moment you hold me, I missed you, I’m sorry I’ve given what I have, I showed you I’m growing The ashes fall slowly as your voice consoles me As the hours pass, I will let you know that I need to ask before I’m alone How it feels to rest on your patient lips to eternal bliss I’m so glad to know (..)My patience controlling the question I won’t speak We’re telling the stories, our laughter, He knows me We’re leaving, We’re talking, You’re closer, it’s calming

*-All the Same - Sick Puppies

I don’t mind where you come from as long as you come to meI don’t like illusions, I can’t see them clearlyI don’t care; no, I wouldn’t dare to fix the twist in youYou’ve shown me eventually What you’ll doI don’t mind, I don’t care, As long as you’re here Go ahead, tell me you’ll leave again, You’ll just come back runningHolding your scarred heart in hand, It’s all the sameAnd I’ll take you for who you are now, If you take me for everythingDo it all over again; It’s all the same 

*-All You Wanted - Sounds  Under Radio

I am the fold, in the wake, watch me push her back and breakI lose all my friends, and wash away all the fractures I’ve displayedBut we still, hold on. Cause it was all you wanted and all I neededBut all I gave up, now…. Could you hold me tighter? When worlds collide, Just hold me down right now(…) Pull me in, drown my fears. Could you hold back another day knowing that I’ll come back? 

*-Always - Panic! At the Disco

When the world gets too heavy, put it on my back, I’ll be your levyYou are taking me apart like bad glue on a get well card (…) I’m a fly that’s trapped in a web, but I’m thinking that my spider’s deadLonely, lonely little life, I could kid myself in thinking that I’m fineIt was always you, Falling for me. Now there’s always time, Calling for meI’m the light blinking at the end of the road Blink back, to let me knowThat I’m skin and bone, Just a king and rusty throneOh, the castle’s under siege, But the sign outside says ‘leave me alone’

*-Angel of Small Death - Seafret (originally Hozier)

No more alone or myself could I beLooks like a strain to the arms it were openNo shortage of sordid, no protest from meWith her sweetened breath, and her tongue so meanShe’s the angel of small death and the codeine sceneWith her straw-blonde hair, her arms hard and leanShe’s the angel of small death and the codeine sceneFeeling more human and hooked on her flesh I lay my heart down with the rest at her feetFresh from the fields, all feeder and fur tiresBloody and raw, but I swear that it’s sweet

-Annie -  Neon Indian

Annie, don’t run away where I can’t find youThe game has gone too far, talking, I’m out of talkPlaying telephone, 20 city blocks*Annie, they have a dossier, the investigation’s already underway(…) Annie, I was closing it, But it’s clear the numberI’m walking in the rain to go down the hall to sit until you callAnd I try to sleep, but all I can hear is the beepJust your answering, answering machine(Why won’t you come and find me?)

-Back to Me - All American Rejects

Hey you, So you never really found your wayStay true, Did you ever make it through today? I know that when I think about a day without it, everyday’s the sameYou wish that you could find someone but I’m the only one to blameCan’t you see? I beg and pleadCause when your eyes light up the skies at nightI know you’re gonna find your way back to me(…) Soon when I get you I won’t let you goOh if I let you, You can take away all that I thought was wrongAnd if you hear me there’s not much to say, There’s gotta be a better way

-Bated Breath - Tinashe

What if I told you that it was all in vain? Would it still hurt you?Would you still feel the same? Said its impossible-possibleBut you’re still waiting on the moment breath is batedI wish I could hold you, I can’t take it, Tell you all my secrets I’m too fadedPraying that tomorrow I’ll be braverMaybe I can tell you, maybe we can do thisKisses on my forehead we can fall into itLove you like the rain, falls much fasterLiving in a piece of ever after

*-Better - Tom Baxter

Our love has changed, it’s not the same, And the only way to say it is say it, it’s betterI can’t conceal this way I feel for all the times we spend togetherForever just gets betterSeem what I’m try to say is, You make things betterAnd no matter what the day is, With you here it’s betterI stand by you if you stand by me, I think it’s time that I reveal it‘Cause I believe it, it’s better Oh, the more I talk to you, I’m falling in love with everything you do 

-Bombshell Blonde - Owl City

I see danger, when I look in her eyes.She’s so foxy, she could lead to my demise.So I’m running, ‘cause I’ve run out of time.She’s a bombshell blonde, wired up to detonateI’m James Bond, live to die another dayBombshell blonde, high explosive dynamiteShe’s all I want so I, I’m on a mission tonightHer love is a drug laced with ecstasy, And her charm is spiked with a spell.A hot mess in a dress gets the best of me. She’s ice cold, but she’s making me melt!

-Breathe Me - Sia

Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times beforeHurt myself again today and the worst part is there’s no one else to blame(..)Ouch, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be foundYeah, I think that I might break. Lost myself again and I feel unsafeBe my friend, hold me. Wrap me up, unfold meI am small, I’m needy. Warm me up and breathe me

*-The Calendar - Panic! at the Disco

Feel like an ambulance, chase her away, pray I could replace herForget the way her tears taste, oh, the way her tears taste(..) Don’t wanna call it a second chance, But when I came back, it was more of a relapseAnticipation’s on the other line, an obsession called while you were outYeah, it called while you were out

-Campire - Satellite Stories

It’s 7am and the letters I send won’t follow you home.it’s too late to goWaited all summer to get to youcampfire outside we fell and kissedthere were only few words I said to yousun shade, this lake, one to cherishDolorean, saw your name on the sandDolorean, make me understand.

*-Chained - The xx

Separate or combine, I ask you one last timeDid I hold you too tight? Did I not let enough light in?If a feeling appears, If your mind should sway, It’s not a secret you should keep. I won’t let you slip awayWe used to be closer than this …. Is it something you missed?Winged or chained, I ask you would you have stayed? 

*-Closer - The Chainsmokers & Halsey

Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you, I drink too much and that’s an issue but I’m okay (…)I know it breaks your heart, Moved to the city in a broke down carAnd four years, no calls, Now you’re looking pretty in a hotel barAnd I can’t stop  (…)You look as good as the day I met you, I forget just why I left you, I was insane(…) I know it breaks your heart, Moved to the city in a broke down carAnd four years, no call, Now I’m looking pretty in a hotel barAnd I can’t stop

*-Come Home - OneRepublic

Hello world, Hope you’re listening. Forgive me if I’m young, For speaking out of turnThere’s someone I’ve been missing, I think that they could be the better half of meThey’re in the in the wrong place trying to make it rightBut I’m tired of justifying, So I say to youCome home, 'Cause I’ve been waiting for you for so longAnd right now there’s a war between the vanitiesBut all I see is you and me. The fight for you is all I’ve ever known(… ) Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can beginIt might start now, Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loudUntil then: Come home

-A Day’s Pay For A Day’s Work - Darkstar

Clocks tick, Seconds fall, Minutes and hours then days and weeks go byI never cared so much for losing touch. I know what happened. I chose to sacrifice something else in lifeNow the night lays, Daytime closes, Still the night’s made It disposes of the hours and all their gloryWhat was ours now I hope only…As the evening crawls in on me, and her telling words I’m passingNow I fall to slow emotion though that moment sleep approaches

-Dial my Number - Rick Astley

If you ever wake up feeling blue, You know there’s always someone who’ll be right here for you.If there’s any little thing that’s gonna get you downDon’t be afraid, I’ll always be aroundPick up the phone, and dial my number, that’s all you have to doI’ll be over in a while, so just you hush now, child, I’ll bring my love to you(..)Giving up my time for something that I’ve heardI need to hear those words I’m in love‘cos I love you, I need you, I want you, I’m so in love with you

-Epilogue - The Antlers

In a nightmare, I am falling from the ceiling into bed beside youYou’re asleep, I’m screaming, shoving you to try to wake you upAnd like before, you’ve got no interest in the life you live when you’re awakeYour dreams still follow storylines, like fictions you would make (…)In that hospital bed, being buried quite alive nowI’m trying to dig you out but all you want is to be buried there together (…)I’ve woken up, I’m in our bed, but there’s no breathing body there beside meSomeone must have taken you while I was stuck asleepBut I know better as my eyes adjustYou’ve been gone for quite a while now, and I don’t work there in the hospital(They had to let me go)

-Every Little Things She Does Is Magic - Sleeping At Last

Though I’ve tried before to tell her of the feelings I have for her in my heartEvery time that I come near her, I just lose my nerveAs I’ve done from the start (..)Every little thing she does is magic, Everything she do just turns me onEven though my life before was tragic, now I know my love for her goes onI resolve to call her up a thousand times a day, And ask her if she’ll marry me in some old fashioned wayBut my silent fears have gripped me, Long before I reach the phoneLong before my tongue has tripped me… Must I always be alone?

-Falling - Florence + The Machine

I’ve fallen out of favour, and I’ve fallen from graceFallen out of trees, and I’ve fallen on my faceFallen out of taxis, out of windows tooFell in your opinion when I fell in love with youSometimes I wish for falling,  Wish for the releaseWish for falling through the air to give me some reliefBecause falling’s not the problem when I’m falling I’m at peaceIt’s only when I hit the ground It causes all the grief

-Find A Way - Safetysuit

You know I’m gonna find a way to let you have your way with meYou know I’m gonna find a time to catch your hand and make you stay(…)And if I was running, you’d be the one who I would be running toAnd if I was crying, you would be lining the cloud that would pull me throughAnd if I was scared, then I would be glad to tell you and walk awayBut I am not lying, I am just trying to find my way in to you

-First Floor People - Barcelona

Some may say, the world looks, The same through red eyes, no wayCovered in dirt off the floor, I’m seeing straightDon’t be scared if you know, Help me to explain myselfWho am I to fool now if you’re gone, you’re goneIf I am found below the ground, I’m searching, desperate

*-Forgiven - Within Temptation

I watched the clouds drifting away, Still the sun can’t warm my faceI know it was destined to go wrong, You were looking for the great escape to chase your demons away(..)You gave up the fight, You left me behind…. All that’s done’s forgivenYou’ll always be mine, I know deep inside… All that’s done’s forgiven

*-Ghost Town - Radical Face

‘Cause all my life is wrapped up in today, No past or future hereIf I find my name’s no good, I just fall out of lineBut I miss you, But there’s no comin’ home with a name like mineI still think of you… But everyone knows: If you care then let it go(…) But all this time, I’ve been chasin’ down a lie, and I know it for what it is, But it beats the alternatives, So I’ll take the lieI still miss you…. There’s no goin’ home with a name like mineI still dream of you… But everyone knows: If you can, let it go

*-The Glass Parade - Cary Brothers

I found you in a reflection you didn’t want me to seeI will give you all I have, Just look up, break down and believeThis is a glass parade, A fragile state and I am trying not to breakAnd the stars are shining, the moon is rightAnd I would kill to be with you tonightWish you told me all the truth, so afraid to face an absoluteAll the fights you had to lose, All the fear was put upon youI found you when you were broken, Too many cracks of deceit

-Gold - Sir Sly

What did you say back to me? I’m dreaming of maybach cruisingMaybe talking crazy, but I want it, a hundred thousand ways of choosingWho the hell is out and who’s in trouble, maybe I’m too subtleMouth made of metal, Pocket full of yellow, Pocket full of goldAnd I hope you find, I hope you find your dreamAnd darling never settle, Chasing down the devil, Chasing down the godsAnd I hope you find, I hope you find your dreamI’m living like a silent movie, Shut your mouth and see straight through meFinding that you’re hiding in your moneyI got a million ways of losing, But nothing in my life worth provingChasing, all my time is wasted

-Hands - Koda

There’s a light out in the dark,So take my hand. I learned to stand,You learned to fall harder,So take my hand,I’ll take you much farther. 

*-Helpless/Bloodline Part II - Sir Sly

It’s not that I’m lost, I know exactly where I amI’m in the middle of a mess that I don’t understandWhy does it feel like the world’s stealing every single thing that I have?I only got the air in my chest and even that won’t lastWhat do I do here? What’ll I do if I lose you? What do I do here? What’ll I do?I feel helpless (..)Everything I know is finally gone, The things I had, the ones I love… AgainAll the words that I had once believed. I’m not sure we’ll ever meet again 

-Hold On - Chord Overstreet

Loving and fighting, Accusing, unitingI can’t imagine a world with you goneThe joy and the chaos, the demons we’re made ofI’d be so lost if you left me alone (…)I pull you in to feel your heartbeat, Can you hear me screaming “please don’t leave me”Hold on, I still want you. Come back, I still need youLet me take your hand, I’ll make it rightI swear to love you all my life

*-Honeythief - Halou

Sometimes I doubt the path I chose, Sometimes my dreams feel all on holdThere’s no doubt that this will make me strongBecause it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever doneDespite this cruel world, And all my best efforts, You surprise me with just how perfect you areEven with all my flaws, and my bad examplesYou surprise me with just how perfect you areAnd when I’m lost, You search for meAnd when I doubt You’re my beliefI’m suppose to be the stronger oneYou always seem to prove that theory wrong

*-Hopeless Wanderer - Mumford and Sons

You heard my voice, I came out of the woods by choiceShelter also gave their shade, but in the dark I have no nameSo leave that click in my head, and I will remember the words that you saidLeft a clouded mind and a heavy heart, But I am sure we could see a new start(..)I wrestled long with my youth, We tried so hard to live in the truthBut do not tell me all is fine, When I lose my head, I lose my spineSo leave that click in my head, and I won’t remember the words that you saidYou brought me out from the cold, Now, how I long, how I long to grow oldSo when your hopes on fire, but you know your desireDon’t hold a glass over the flame, Don’t let your heart grow coldI will call you by name, I will share your road

-I miss you - Blink 182

I miss you I miss you. Where are you? and I’m so sorryI cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight, I need somebody and alwaysThis sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every timeAnd as I stared I counted the Webs from all the spidersCatching things and eating their insides, Like indecision to call youAnd hear your voice of treason, Will you come home and stop the pain tonight?Don’t waste your time on me You’re already the voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

-If You Ever Come Back - The Script

Now they say I’m wasting my time ‘Cause you’re never comin’ homeBut they used to say the world was flat, But how wrong was that now?And by leavin’ my door open, I’m riskin’ everything I ownThere’s nothing I can lose in a break-in that you haven’t taken(…)There’ll be a smile on my face and the kettle on, And it will be just like you were never goneThere’ll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat, If you ever come back

-If You Only Knew - Shinedown

If you only knew, I’m hanging by a thread, The web I spin for youIf you only knew I’d sacrifice my beating heart before I lose youI still hold onto the letters you returned, I swear I’ve lived and learned (..)If you only knew, How many times I counted all the words that went wrongIf you only knew How I refuse to let you go,Even when you’re goneI don’t regret any days I spent, nights we shared, or letters that I sent

-I’ll Follow you - Shinedown

You can have the money and the world, The angels and the pearlsEven trademark the color blueJust like the tower we never built, and the shadow of all the guiltWhen the other hand was pointing at youYet the first step is the one you believe in, The second one might be profoundI’ll follow you down to the eye of the storm, don’t worry I’ll keep you warmI’ll follow you down while we are passing through spaceI don’t care if we fall from grace, I’ll follow you down to where forever liesWithout a doubt I’m on your side, There is no where else I’d rather beI’m not about to compromise, Give you up to say goodbyeI’ve got you through the deep, I’ll keep you close to me 

-Miracle - Shinedown

Say it once, tell me twice, Are you certain I’m alright?Just a sign, to remind me that tomorrow’s worth the fightEver changing the storyline that keeps me aliveSo make a wish, and say…Give me life, give me love, Scarlet angel from aboveNot so low, not so high, Keep it perfectly disguisedEvery changing the storyline that keeps me aliveTake another look, Take a look around, It’s you and me, It’s here and nowAs you sparkle in the sky, I’ll catch you while I can, Cause all we are is all I amI just want you to see, What I’ve always believedYou are…The miracle in me 

-A Night to Remember - Shalamar

When you love someone, it’s natural, not demandingAnd that’s one thing I’m proud to say I’ve found in youI’m so glad we’ve reached an understandingNow I know my heart is safe with youSo now my love to you, baby, I surrender

-Out Of Touch - InnerPartySystem

I’m out of touch with all my friends everytime I see them againAll the days I’ve been away… Would it be different if I stayed?You’re losing me, you’re losing me, you’re losing me, againDriving on the empty road… I forgot I fell in love back homeI start to wonder if I changed, I start to wonder if youEven if you, even if you, Even feel the same

*-Pick Up The Phone - The Notwist

You know this place, You know this gloom? We’ve been here before.When life is a loop, You’re in a room without a door.Pick up the phone and answer me at last.Today I will step out of your past.“Trouble that we’ve come to know will stay with us”,With every step it slowly grows. Rub off the rust.Pick up the phone and answer me at last.Today I will step out of your past.

-Point of No Return - Starset

There’s a memory of how we used to be, that I can see through the flamesI am hypnotized as I fantasize, Forgetting lies and painBut I can’t go back. The ashes call my namePouring the fuel, fanning the flamesBreaking the habit and melting the chains, Embracing the fear, chasing the fightThe glow of the fire will light up the nightThe bridges are burning, the heat’s on my faceMaking the past an unreachable place(…) I know, this is the point of no returnIt’s uncontrollable, such a beautiful desireThere’s something sinister about the way it hurtsWhen I watch it burn, Because I can’t go back

-Retrograde - James Blake

You’re on your own, in a world you’ve grownFew more years to go, Don’t let the hurdle fall, so be the girl you loved.I’ll wait, so show me why you’re strong. Ignore everybody else, We’re alone nowSuddenly I’m hip. Is this darkness of the dawn? And your friends are gone, When you friends won’t comeSo show me where you fit

*-Small Hands - Keaton Henson

Miss your teeth dug in my shoulder, As we rolled in early morning,Miss your arm dying beneath me, As I lay there simply yawningPlease forget me, you were right dear, I am cold and self-involved,And though I’ll miss you, recent lover, I am weak and therefore fold(..) Close my eyelids, hide my eyes,I’ll be idle in my ideals,Think of nothing else but I. I, and I…. And I,I hope for your life, You can forget about mineJust forget about mine

*-Through the Ghost - Shinedown

Speak of the devil, Look who just walked into the roomThe guilted and faded notion of someone I once knew.All the perfect moments are wrong, All the precious pieces are goneEverything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of usDid you hide yourself away? I can’t see you anymoreDid you eclipse another day?I used to wake up to the color of your soulDid you hide yourself away? Are you living through the ghost?Did you finally find a place above the shadows so the world will never know?The world will never know you like I doSo many silent sorrows you never hear from againAnd now that you’ve lost tomorrow, is yesterday still a friend?All the bridges we built were burned, Not a single lesson was learned(..) The world will never know you like I do. Like I still do

-Too Far Gone - Sir Sly

I’m stuck inside of these lines I drew, I didn’t speak it but I always knewThat I was too far gone. Can you ever be too far gone?Never mind the things I said before, I overstated and I shouldn’t have swornThat I’m too far gone, Can I ever be too far gone?For you to save me(…) Can we start from the beginning now?It feels like I’m really living nowThey always preached it was black and whiteSo how come somewhere in the middle feels rightAre we too far gone? Can we ever be too far gone?Am I arrogant, should I not assume That the answer’s mine, it can’t belong to youAm I too far gone? Can I ever be too far gone?

*-Transpose - Bad Suns

And I can’t stop even if I wanted to, Up top, maybe I’m simply deludedThat’s right, maybe I’ve been wasting my time, All my timeAnd it’s hard to justify what you can do. I’m so sick and tired of falling throughAnd it’s true, maybe I’ve been wasting my time, All this time, Come creeping, no one can hear you now, Listen so you can show me how something that I’m missing hereSoftly, stab my evil dreams, Faster, help me fall asleepNo one knows, that’s how it goes, All the thoughts that we transpose

*-Who are you Really - Mikky Ekko

So you’re feeling tied up to a sense of controlAnd make decisions that you think are your ownYou are a stranger here, why have you come?Why have you come, lift me higher, let me look at the sunLook at the sun and once I hear them clearly, sayWho, who are you really? And where, where are you going?I’ve got nothing left to prove, Cause I’ve got nothing left to loseSee me bare my teeth for you. Who, who are you?Now you’re moving on and you say you’re aloneSuspicious that this string is moving your bones. We are the fire, we see how they runSee how they run, lift me higher, let me look at the sun

*-Wish You Were Here - Florence + The Machine

I’ve tried to leave it all behind me, but I woke up And there they were beside me. And I don’t believe it but I guess it’s true, Some feelings, they can travel tooOh there it is again, sitting on my chest, Makes it hard to catch my breath, I scramble for the light to changeYou’re always on my mindAnd I never minded being on my own Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home to be where you areBut even closer to you, you seem so very far.And now I’m reaching out with every note I singAnd I hope it gets to you on some pacific windWraps itself around you and whispers in your earTells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here

*-You - Keaton Henson

If you must wait, Wait for them here in my arms as I shakeIf you must weep, Do it right here in my bed as I sleepIf you must mourn, my love, mourn with the moon and the stars up aboveIf you must mourn, Don’t do it aloneIf you must leave, Leave as though fire burns under your feetIf you must speak, Speak every word as though it were uniqueIf you must die, sweetheart, Die knowing your life was my life’s best partAnd if you must die, Remember your lifeIf you must fight, Fight with yourself and your thoughts in the nightIf you must work, Work to leave some part of you on this earthIf you must live, darling one, just live.

*-You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol

You could be happy, and I won’t know. But you weren’t happy the day I watched you go And all the things that I wished I had not said Are played on lips till it’s madness in my head Is it too late to remind you how we were?But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur Most of what I remember makes me sure I should have stopped you from walking out the door You could be happy; I hope you are You made me happier than I’d been by far(..) More than anything I want to see you go Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

I didn’t put everything I have and i’m bothered bc I think my playlist isn’t up to date and I have more, but I will come back to that when i’ll have more time.

Meanwhile take care nonny!!

#Anonymous #ichareply #*coughs* sorry I got carried away #but you asked me for my fav thing to do ie brag about my playlist #shh #ichashipping leopika #leopika #lp playlist #yay #ichafantalks hxh #ichablogging music

[starseedwanderer]

My Past. Drugs: Love, and Loneliness! But, no Regret!

I’ve been thinking lately, and decided it would be good to get it all down somewhere. Thinking about my past; about decisions I made, choices made for me, mistakes that happened, and everything I learned. Also, as with most things I write, I figured if even one person smiles reading it, learns something from it, or can relate and not feel so alone, then it was worth my time writing it in the first place. Now even though this is about my past, just because I feel like sharing doesn’t mean others involved would feel the same. Hence, why I will change names where I have to. If I can’t avoid using a name.

Once I get going it should flow more easily, but deciding where to start, now that’s a challenge. Don’t want to go too far back, because then this will turn in to a bloody novel. Can’t start too late though, or there won’t be context for what you read. Figure, explaining my history with/feelings about drugs will be a good enough kicking off point.

Although I wouldn’t ever suggest anybody have the relationship with drugs I have had, I can’t say I regret it to be honest. I mean when I was on drugs, I was so much more than I am in my day to day. I was powerful. I was charming. I was the life and soul of the party, even when there wasn’t a party going on. I made friends with everyone, everywhere I went. I was confident. Hell, I was thinner too. That moment that came after. After the smoke filled your lungs, the tab dissolved on your tongue/in your drink, the powder burnt your nostrils with that chemical burn, or you could just feel the pills making their way clunkily down your throat. When you knew your mind was no longer just your own. When the world began to shift, and alter, around you. Becoming a Willy Wonkaesque, falling down the rabbit hole, looking through a kaleidoscope, dreamscape, of what it was just a moment before. I used to love that moment. I used to live for that moment. To me, that was the fire door escape, from the burning room that I saw the world as.

I would take almost anything back then, and by back then mind you I am talking about 12 years ago. We (myself and the others I chose to spend that moment in my life with) would mix drugs, we weren’t picky about what it particularly was either, and would disappear in to that chemical fog for days, Hell weeks, at a time. My, then, best friend and myself, even one time did something that by all intensive purposes should have killed us. In the space of 6-8 hours, we took 25 Ecstasy pills each, in handfulls of 5, at random times. On top of all the drinking we were doing, and had been doing for days, and the suitcase load of weed we were doing, and again had been doing for days. If I’m honest, my memory of that night, and the following 2 nights after it, is spotty at best. Then again, from the 6 year time period where I took drugs, I have a lot of permanently blank parts in my memories. That being said, I was never fully out of control back then, and I know this because I had one rule, and I never broke it. Whatever I did, I never touched drugs that involved me needing to inject them. That was my line that I wouldn’t cross, and I didn’t. I know I didn’t, because in the brief moments of clarity, after the times when I had lost time, I always checked all over my body for track marks. Never found any. The times when my memory was fine as well, I distinctly remember never braking that rule. That one rule. My one rule.

Now why I started taking drugs, that is a whole thing that to be honest I don’t have the spare 3-4 days to write in detail. I could, but I won’t. The bare bones reason though, in one word; Depression.

Just saying “Depression” and leaving it at that, feels a bit cheap though, so I will go in to a bit more detail. I first started feeling depressed when I was 14, but back then people used to just say I was “sad, a lot”. That feeling though; of being the only black and white person in a world of colour, the weight of loneliness crushing your body and soul, the ever present sucking void just constantly growing in your core. For anybody who has felt it, they know that Depression and sadness, they’re not even in the same God-damn league. Hell, they’re two completely different games. The feeling of being powerless, against this dark force attaching itself to your soul. By the time I was 18, I couldn’t handle it any more, and drugs let me escape that. Even if only momentarily. Escape not only the Depression, but everything that came with that. The anger issues: fueled by the fact that if you’re going to feel so weak emotionally and mentally, then by God you will show the world just how tough your are physically. In all it’s destructive, raging beauty. The over-thinking: every moment of your life just playing over and over in your mind, every way you could have done it better, every way it could have gone differently, just constantly playing over and over in your mind. Even the moments that were nothing, that were just blips on the radar, suddenly becoming these epic dilemmas that you had to retroactively do better than you did in. I could go on, listing all the things that come piggy-backing in to your life with Depression, but you get the idea. Drugs, they just seemed to be a life preserver floating my way, while I drowned in a vast ocean of these problems that I had nobody to talk to about. Or felt like I had nobody to talk to about, when in truth, I had an army of people I could have talked to. If only I had paid attention.

Those 6 years though, betwen 18 and 24, when my veins were filled more with chemicals than blood, when if I had bottled my sweat I could have made a fortune because of the amount of drugs I sweated out my system, and when I saw the world in any way except how it actually was. My God, were those 6 years equally both a massive mistake, and a path to a better life.

If I am being honest, I regret those 6 years because of how much I missed out on in life, and how far from actually being helpful they were. Even if at the time I thought they were the only thing that could help. On the same note, I also don’t regret them. They showed me a different version of myself, that I could find even without the drugs if I put the effort in. Now I’ve not found that version of me yet, but I am damn closer than I was 6 years ago when I quit drugs, and immensly closer than I was 12 years ago when I started taking drugs. The Depression is not gone, it’s still there, I just control it more now, and refuse to let it drown me again. I fight it, as it walks along beside me. I still have the same issues I had before the drugs. They didn’t cure, or bury, any of it. At most the drugs were just a reprieve from my troubles. Every day is a battle, but it’s a battle I am slowly and steadfastly winning. Plus, how can I regret something that brought certain people in to my life. People who to this day are still here (not all of them, but the ones that matter).

I think my point in writing this though was just to tell you:

It’s okay. Your problems and issues are immense. They’re not going anywhere any time soon. If you’re willing to fight though, they’re not going to stop you, not by a long shot. You may find help early on, and be blessed with a support system of people that stand shoulder to shoulder with you to fight. Or, you may spend 6 years in a chemical fog like I did. Whatever path though that your life takes, it’s okay. You have enough going on. Don’t regret your past decisions, not completely. Even Hell has good people in it.

I went to Hell with a smile, and a glazed look in my eyes, and I’m still here, and only getting stronger.

It’s okay.

#loneliness #love #drugs #regret #noregret #past #learning #honest #lessons #decisions #choices #changes #mistakes #control #depression #angerissues

[lifescominguproses]

TJLC Thoughts

Ok so..... I know I’m not a TJLC blog (even though the only reason I come on tumblr nowadays is to look at the tag ha) but I need to vent and process...... because I literally feel like I’m going insane. So bear with me lovelies, (this shit’s gonna be long and probably full of grammatical errors).

I absolutely love Sherlock, have done for awhile, even though I didn’t get into it as soon as it came out. I knew about Johnlock and TJLC way before I started watching, and didn’t really think much of it at the time. Then.... (there’s always a but) it became everything. I was obsessed. I not only loved the show because of its mystery and brilliant writing/plot lines, but also because of the obvious, heart-wrenching, all-consuming love between Sherlock and John.

Of course I saw it. Of course I thought “how can these two brilliant characters not be totally and utterly in love with each other?” I’ll admit, sadly, that I was the only one in my family who saw it that way. Does that make me smarter than them in the context of watching the show? I have absolutely no idea. Because right now, in the lead up to TFP, I’ve never been so nervous, so unsure, and so disappointed.

Because, I’m now 99% convinced that the way we all saw it, was not the way the writers intended it to be seen at all. To us, it was obvious, they (JxS) were *in* love. Does anything else need to be said? Yes, yes it does. Although its a very ‘base - level’ example, I feel like I should point to the picture (randomly found, but felt extremely relevant to my poor obsessed brain).

Maybe this whole time we were looking *too* deep; reading into subtext when there really wasn’t any (although I’ll get to this in a minute, Moftiss you fucks.) This is essentially my first ‘meta’ so I’m just going to go ahead and ramble. Yes Johnlock is about friendship, and yes its even a romance. But in the context of the show, does it really matter which one prevails? Can’t a relationship feel like both without the need for sex? Could John and Sherlock really be ‘soulmates’ and ‘life partners’ that don’t feel the need to “have sex or make out on the couch” every night? Because I feel like that's what Moftiss was trying to tell us all along; that we were being too ‘pedestrian’ (can’t think of another word so eh) when we should have been using ‘higher - level thinking’. (I have a feeling the whole “it is what it is” comes into it here, but im way too tired to go into that ahah).

Now, as much as this is what I believe is truly going on, I absolutely fucking hate it. Of course as Johnlock shippers we want them to be explicit in their love. And for some of us this means said “making out on the couch” scenes need to be shown. But after reading practically everything to do with TJLC, Moftiss and TFP spoilers, I really don’t think that’s ever going to happen. What I think WILL happen, is that we’ll keep seeing exactly what we have been seeing, which to us appears spectacularly obvious yet annoyingly ambiguous at the same time. That is, we’ll keep seeing them pining over each other when they’re apart (even because it’s their own choice *cough* John Watson *cough*), we’ll keep seeing them saving each other from the danger that is their lives, we’ll keep seeing them spiral into depression without the other one around to help, we’ll keep seeing declarations of love masked by words like “mate”, we’ll keep seeing them choose each other again and again. Because that’s just the way it is between them, they know it, the writers know it, and even we know it. We just wanted *it* to be different. We just wanted *it* to be shown in a different, more explicit, way. To the writers it doesn’t even need explaining.

Now onto my brief (hahah yea right) “fuck you moftiss rant.”

WHY THE EVER-LOVING FUCK CAN’T IT BE SHOWN THE WAY WE WANT?! Every single adaption of Sherlock Holmes has the same relationship aesthetic. The “John and Sherlock against the rest of the world” type thing is literally fucking everywhere. It’s even in the fucking video games. I mean, I get it. I get that you guys wanted to keep this part of the story alive, its great, it’s beautiful and it warms our hearts. But it is supposed to be a modern adaption after all. And you know what one of the biggest fucking modern issues is? Yeah you guessed it, LGBTIQ rights. Now, I should probably point out here that I am completely 100% straight. I’m a girl that likes guys and all that shit. But I live in a country where where same-sex marriage isn’t a reality (my hatred for that fact is a whole other point) and where same sex couples get treated differently to those in hetero-sexual relationships (seriously, fuck you Australia).

Now I know it’s highly unlikely that moftiss were to ever intentionally queer bait us, being the type of people I think that they are, but man they didn’t think some things through. I know in the first season/s the constant questioning and subtext over John and Sherlock’s sexuality (”confirmed bachelor”, “will you be needing two bedrooms”, “isn’t really my area,” “I’m not actually gay”..... ffs moftiss really?!) was meant to be both an outlet for humor and a throw-back to TPLOSH. But come on! Like seriously! At some point a repeated joke stops being funny! If they didn’t intend for it to mean anything in the grand scheme of the show, why continue to use it as a plot device? Obviously to some people (like my parents) it was just a joke; a running gag if you will, that wasn’t meant to be read into (I’m not sure whether I pity or envy you lot). Why would moftiss put all this effort into making us question John and Sherlock’s sexuality (ahem Irene fucking Adler) just to disregard it in the end? I seriously don’t even know. Maybe just to show that Sherlock really is human after all? Yeah I got no clue. 

Now, onto TFP.

To me, going along this whole “we’re being too pedestrian” theory, the “love conquers all” thing is actually pretty simple. Love will conquer all, but we’re not talking love in any sort of specific sense here. We’re talking in pretty general terms. I feel like the massive climax to this episode (and apparently the whole show) will be to explain Sherlock. That is, we’ll see his past and his (probably) traumatic childhood where some shit happened with the siblings and Sherlock became an emotionally repressed drug addict because of that. We’ll essentially be seeing the reason as to why Sherlock is the way that he is. Of course love’s going to come into that. My bet is that ‘love’ in whatever sense of the term, will be the thing to save Sherlock and everyone else in the end. He’s finally going to allow himself to love (in whatever way) after being an emotionally repressed idiot for so long. Therefore, I’m betting the iconic “I Love You” is damn important, just not in the way we want it to be.

Now, I don’t know exactly how any of that will make ‘lets make television history’, ‘insane wish-fulfillment’, etc make any sense. I mean sure, Mycroft or Molly or John or even Sherlock could die, Moriarty could come back from the dead, he could even be related to Sherlock and have been playing a ‘long game’ since their childhood (although Moriarty and Sherlock related would actually be really freaking cool in terms of the story). I’ve got these thoughts and more going through my head as to what could possibly be the “plot reason” for all of moftiss’s promotional spiel. It’s going to be different for everyone as to what ‘makes television history’. So lets be honest, moftiss are probs just laying it on too thick ahah.

I mean, I’d love Johnlock to happen in the way that we want it to. I’d die if he said “I love you” to John, I’d probably explode if they kissed. But its just not going to happen that way. Honestly, even if it did, wouldn’t it just take away from every other single aspect of the episode? Wouldn’t the most important part of this episode be the mystery? (aka, Sherlock’s backstory arc etc)? If Johnlock happened in this episode, it would be the only thing every single viewer (shipper or not) would be thinking about. Shippers would be going nuts, non-shippers would just be confused as hell for the rest of the show.

Yes, they could do Johnlock at the end in the “apparently missing 4 minutes” (credits, people) after everything’s resolved, but again it would be the only thing people remember. Is that what moftiss want’s the audience to remember more than anything else? I don’t think that it is.

I know they’re giant freaking liars and we shouldn’t trust absolutely anything that they say, but going on the countless times where they basically shut us all down (they could have done that in a nicer way tbh and I’m frankly pissed off about that), I’m not betting on explicit Johnlock at all. I mean, to them, its already been done.

I could be completely wrong.God, I hope I’m completely wrong. I just don’t want to be disappointed. Because I already feel soul-crushingly disappointed and it sucks. The whole show is doing my head in and I just want some bloody answers. So yeah, this is my way of trying to make sense of everything’s that been stuck in my head for the past few weeks, and it may not make any sense to you guys at all. Just thought I’d put it out there.

By the way if anyone out there has anything to add I’d love to hear, I’d love to discuss..... I Haven’t really actively gotten into the fandom until now but I’ve observed from the outside and I must say, I freaking love you guys, and I live off fanart and fanfiction! :D xoxo

#tjlc #johnlock #sherlock #bbc sherlock #moftiss #tfp #the final problem #johnlock doubts #im in sherlock hell #save me #tjlc meta #sherlock meta #johnlock meta #fandom hell

[endtyranny-blog]

The Divided States of America

 Mainstream Media and race baiting:

Thanks to the Main Stream Media and those on the Left and Far Left and Far Right, our Nation is divided across race lines again. Everyone thinks it is okay now to target white people to punish them for the atrocities of slavery. Seriously? No one who is alive today has ever owned a slave. These people who violently attacked a mentally challenged person, are not being treated like the hateful criminals that they are. The Main Stream Media, is saying what they did is not a hate crime and is okay. IF the colors were changed, if a group of white people did this to a black person the city of Chicago would be on fire, protests would be happening in every city in this country. This has started with Cops killing people. First of all, White Cops killing unarmed black people are all lies from the MSM. With further review, most of these killings are proven that the cops are not at fault. 

You are white, you are a racist Donald Trump supporter:

I support Donald Trump. He wants to make good changes for this country. First of all, one change we need to make is the culture our kids are raised in. First, we have families in the inner cities who have been receiving TANF/Welfare for Generations. These people expect handouts from the government in the form of “free” housing, “free” money, “free” food, “free” healthcare, “free” this and “free” that. However, NOTHING is ever free. Your welfare benefits, your healthcare, your housing is paid for by working Americans regardless of color. The government and mainstream media is playing on race and making people perceive that there is something there that really isn’t. “Well white people caused Slavery.” This comment is the most stupidest comment I have ever heard. While yes there was slavery in the country, those who are living now are not, have not been or will ever be responsible for that situation. All slave owners are dead. Oh by the way, those who sold African slaves (I am not bringing up white European slaves, that is for another time) were African themselves. However, people these days either do not know history, a skewed version of history or just simply do not care. They are sheep and follow what the mainstream media and/or celebrities tell them to follow. Also, in the black community there is a need or a want for repartitions to be paid due to slavery. Well, who is going to pay for that? That is why in the inner cities white people are being targeted by groups of black people or simply just being white. One day they are going to target the wrong white person you know, an MMA fighter, and maybe perhaps one who is carrying a weapon. 

I know a lot of white people who are not Donald Trump supporters. However, I know a lot of Black People who ARE Donald Trump supporters. Therefore, the phrase “You are white, so therefore you are a Donald Trump supporter” is null and void, and frankly just plain old stupid. 

You white people deserve all that you get:

BLM supporters and those who hate white people for being white, support the fact that 4 black people tortured a mentally handicapped white person in Chicago. How can anyone support this? Seriously. It doesn’t matter what color you are, how does someone have that much hate inside of them to torture someone who most likely doesn’t understand what is going on? How can you then leave that person bloody and leave them somewhere, where they do not know where they are? There are many people on twitter calling for the “extermination of white people.” They are wanting the mass murder of white people for being just that white. There are going to be a lot of people reading this post thinking this guy deserves getting his ass kicked, because he’s white, racist and a Trump Supporter. I am not racist. Do I think that my tax dollars should be paying for your food, your home, your healthcare, put money in your pocket, pay your bills, feed your children when you totally refuse to help yourself and get yourself an education and a well paying job? No! I don’t think my tax money should be doing that. It is not because you are black. There are white people who think like this too, “Let the government take care of me” well news for them I shouldn’t be paying for them either. No one else but myself is taking care of my family so, why should someone who thinks the way I do should be called a racist and deserve to get their ass kicked for it? 

It’s your culture, there I said it:

The reason you hate white people is because you are told that the White man is your oppressor. The White man enslaved your people hundreds of years ago, the white man is stopping you from getting a good education, the white man is stopping you from being successful. The white man even until this day is oppressing you. So answer me this: What about 60% of movie actors? What about 99% of all hip hop (more on hip hop/rap later) “artists”? What about 90% of the NBA, 45% of MLB, 70% of the NFL and the 2 black dudes in the NHL? Are they not successful? What about the educated black men like Neil deGrasse Tyson? Or are they not black enough for you? When your hip hop artists moved from singing about things that affect the black community to singing about beating bitches, taking/selling drugs, and harming people what do you expect? If a white man called you the “N Word” you are ready to kill him, but 2 minutes later your friend comes over and says that very same word to you, what do you do? You hug him and laugh about killing the white guy who called you the “N Word” using the same context. 

The BLM is nothing but a terrorist group:

The BLM is nothing but a KKK for black people. Seriously, these people spew nothing but hatred for white people. We all need to get along. We are all one people. Abraham Lincoln started out the Gettysburg Address “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. This still stands today, and yes feminists (Feminism is another cancer to this country, which will be dealt with in another post) also includes women. All people are created equal no matter the gender and color of their skin. However, in conjunction with my other points, the music, irresponsible tv hosts, irresponsible politicians, irresponsible preachers, etc are making anti-white hate an institution in the black community, and even making some white people feeling like it is a crime for just being white. The media was very hesitant of labeling this a “hate crime” and having the media blatantly ignore the underlying issue of this. 

How is it going to change:

We need to stop killing the police. That is a first good step. The police in turn needs to filter out the bad officers. We also need to be more responsible and educate the communities through whatever medium they follow. We also need to stop with blaming everything on race and blame it on the break down of society. We need leaders to address these issues and help the community fix the cancer that is destroying our nation from the inside. 

#race #blm #white people #racist #chicago #chicago kidnapping #internal terrorism #killing cops #main stream media #msm #welfare #all lives matter

[angelicbab-stash]

Revaille: zoznam citátov a textov na použitie / ktoré sa hodia

,,Never stop being a good person because of bad people.”

,,Everything is beautiful if you look at it with love.”

,,She is that kind of angel who strangles herself with own halo.”

,,I would like one large order of intimacy and affection, please. With fries.”

,,She is something to sink teeth into.”

,,A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.”

,,Despite the bloody nose and split lip, how good do I look?”

,,I can save lives and that's enough to risk mine."

,,Here's a real question: how have you survived this long when you're so violently self-destructive?"

,,She’s a slut — sweet little unforgetable thing.”

,,Hopeless romantic with trust issues and sex drive out of roof."

,,No one will know the violence it took to become this gentle.”

,,Don’t be fooled by the pink theme, I’m still sad.”

,,If you think I'll hurt you I swear to you I won't. The only heart I've ever broken is my own."

,,I know I did anything I could to not feel: sex, drugs, booze. Just take away the pain. Take away my mother and her expectactions and my abusers and all the people I loved who wouldn’t love me back. Hell, I was gang raped and few days later I was back in class like nothing had ever happened. I mean, that must have hurt like hell, right? I would give everything I have or will ever have just to feel pain again; to hurt. And that’s the rub of all this, isn’t it? I can’t feel shit. I can’t feel anything. We think that pain is the worst feeling. It isn’t. How could anything be worse than this eternal silence inside of me? I can’t take it anymore. I think I’m going batshit. I need to do something.”

____________________________________________________________________________

LIAM X DETI X REVI

,,I can lose fucking everything. But not you, oh God, not you."

____________________________________________________________________________

LIAM X REVI:

,,Without even realizing it, you taught me a lot of things. Not only about life, but how it's okay to feel something extraordinary about someone."

,,I guess we are both angels in each other’s story and demons in our own context.”

____________________________________________________________________________

ELIZABETH X REVI

,,You gave me panic attacks and I called it love."

,,I was so sure I'd never be in that much pain again. But here I am again and again."

,,I realized today that I don't actually matter to you and it hurts."

____________________________________________________________________________

KALURA X REVI:

,,I was thinking about killing myself and you were yelling about dirty dishes."

____________________________________________________________________________

DOMINIC X REVI

,,Kiss your knuckles before you punch me.”

,,He punched me and I saw stars. He punched me and I saw God.”

,,The first hit felt like hell, now they feel like heaven.”

,,He keeps on touching me. I tell him not to. But he keeps on touching me."

,,Now I cut where his hands once were."

#list of quotes #revaille: quotes

[thomasreedtn]

Enlightenment through Shadow Work

I’m linking to Ann Kreilkamp’s post called “Two Excellent, Dovetailing Perspectives on Q,” and calling it “Three Excellent, Dovetailing Perspectives On Q” due to the comment section on Ann’s post. I’ve stayed relatively quiet on the Q phenomenon, because I prefer to let people decide for themselves what’s real or relevant in their own realm. The Q stuff delves deep into the Shadow, and while I regularly help clients do that, I never want to force that onto people before they’re ready. The mainstream media has done that, though, so this post comes as support not pressure. Careful blog readers over the past decade will recognize that I’ve written and spoken of these topics many times and many years before. I just haven’t called them Q.

I did make an unintentionally public statement on QAnon via Ann’s blog when she shared my email commentary to a link I sent her in the wee hours of the morning on August 1:

        The link I shared was to this post on Deus Nexus: “QAnon Decoded: Every Trip Code and UserID Used by QAnon Points to a Book.” The nerdy English Major in me has never quite died, despite the 1998 TBI detour that led me away from academia into reading energy fields and writing fiction and non-fiction. In any case, that book list contains some phenomenal books, and as a writer, I have learned as much about writing by observing the Q phenomenon over the past nine months as I’ve learned from dozens of how-to books on writing. Show don’t tell works as well for how-to as it does in stories!

I’m not in any way trying to convince people of anything, and please don’t use the comment section here to debate politics. I will say this, though: part of the reason I continued to read the Q material is because I have known much of this for many years from firsthand sources. My life and work put me in touch with unusual people, and I’ve heard many credible stories and heartbreak from people who’ve experienced Hollywood’s and high government’s pedophilia and other abuses firsthand. These people had no reason to lie to me; they told their tales in confidence, and the names and details will remain confidential. These clients were trying to recover from early childhood trauma in order to heal illnesses and/or move forward in work and life.

I’ve also had people very close to me over the years share some of the most horrific veil-ripping encounters where they’ve witnessed or experienced activities that shook them to the core. Again, I have no reason to doubt these people, as they weren’t seeking attention or sensationalizing their tales. The details arose in the context of private conversations and deep soul sharing. I don’t claim to have the inside scoop on governmental and corporate coups, Satanic Ritual Abuse or honey trap blackmail, but I do know these things exist.

I also know that there ARE good people in our military and government, whether you call them White Hats, strategically placed, or good people stuck in a bad system. Some of the most awake, intelligent, and intuitive people I’ve ever encountered have been veterans. I do not condone violence, and neither do they. Ironic, yes, but true. Many of the veterans I know awoke through combat and by witnessing what was really going on overseas. They saw the corruption and recognized drug running, media lies, and slavery. Yes, slavery exists in the 20th and 21st centuries, much of it condoned and profited from by our government. One reason for so many military suicides and PTSD comes from the idealism destroyed by witnessing and in some cases being forced to participate in situations the opposite of why they joined the military. Knowing this makes credible (to me) the claim of White Hats fighting corruption from within the system. Some of it may be for show, but I am certain that real people are risking their lives to do good things.

Many of these veterans I know have highly honed intuition, a strong sense of honor, and huge hearts. They don’t always get it right, but most of the ones I know hold as a highest value defending the innocent. One reason I happen to have had close relationships with so many veterans despite seemingly unrelated interests is because we all use strategy. We think alike. Whether planning a battle, fighting Lyme disease, or helping someone overcome subconscious inner demons, it’s all strategy. I can appreciate 3-, 4-, and 5-D chess, because I play it every day to help people help themselves. Critics laugh at the idea of “moron” Trump having a strategy, but to me, it’s clear he does. I don’t know where that strategy leads or how it will play out. Even if entirely selfless (and I don’t know or claim that it is), as Robert Burns said: “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft a-gley.”)

What I do know is the devastation this epidemic of pedophilia has wrought throughout the world. Lives have been shattered. I know some amazingly courageous souls who’ve done their own Shadow Work to move beyond the trauma and help others — but I know what it cost them to do so. I have huge respect for anyone working to stop even one pedophile, let alone bust and prosecute thousands of them. I see the media trying to normalize pedophilia by making it part of LBGT now LBGTP (P is for pedophiles), calling child molesters “minor attracted persons,” refusing to call out the religiously sanctioned pedophilia of Muslim child brides and female genital mutilation, and by painting pedophiles as victims. They are often victims themselves, but that does not justify perpetuating or normalizing the abuse!

All of which is to say, that the Q material points to a lot of truth, and I find it a brilliant means of helping people to discover truth at their own, self-directed pace. Unlike a cult, no one forces anyone to believe anything, nor to conclude anything. Some things just become obvious once you open your eyes to them. My eyes happened to open to these things long ago. Even as a child, I had pedo-radar in which I would scream bloody murder if anyone tried to force me into a child molesting doctor’s office or bring a pedophile into our home. My shouts and refusals embarrassed my parents, but decades later stories surfaced that validated my intuitive concerns. I got yelled at a lot for refusing to cooperate, but the only thing a would-be pedophile ever managed to molest on me was my “adorable little nose.” And that was bad enough!

The #MeToo campaign is important, but many recognize it as only the tiniest tip of the iceberg. Raping women on the casting couch is horrible, but not as horrible as trafficking children or Satanic Ritual Abuse. I decided to address some of these issues here in one post, because Q has gone mainstream. Soon people will not be able to avoid these stories and their implications. In addition to Ann’s post, I suggest two other links:

Citizen Investigator’s “Open Letter to the American People”

and https://legalinsurrection.com/2018/07/stealth-bill-sneaks-in-radical-changes-to-californias-criminal-justice-system/

Ponder why — if they have “right on their side” — someone would feel the need to sneak through legislation in California that literally gives an inarguable, free pass to even the worst criminals. Eyes open. As my Discernment Reminders post explains, “Most people are mostly kind and mostly honest, and sociopaths rely on this perception in order to orchestrate enormously complex and outrageous schemes. Just because you wouldn’t engage in that sort of behavior (or couldn’t even imagine coming up with such a scheme) doesn’t mean it’s not happening. We’re only just beginning to see proof of such ‘paranoia’ and ‘hysteria’ being Conspiracy Facts.”

All of this can feel overwhelming and reality shattering, which is why I’ve posted such things only in dribs and drabs over the past decade. Everyone’s at a different point in awakening, but as Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” Shadow Work feels bad. No one wants to go through a Dark Night of the Soul, but because of revelations coming to light and going mainstream through Q and anonymous researchers, we’re poised for a societal Dark Night of the Soul. Each dark night has potential to catalyze new levels of clarity, lightness and joy.

A reminder for those of you who’ve been through one (or more) Dark Night(s) of the Soul before: now’s YOUR time to shine. YOUR time to help previously unconscious loved ones and coworkers who suddenly find themselves ready and hungry to have real conversations about real issues.

Now comes the healer portion of your Wounded Healer life. We can find meaning and purpose through anything. Our vulnerability brings strength. Q’s motto WWG1WGA (“where we go one, we go all”) is a good reminder, regardless of political or religious inclinations. We’re embodied souls having a human experience. When life throws surprising revelations your way, it’s a good time to step back and reconnect with your heart. What do you really know and value? What “matters”? What small, local step can you take to bring positive momentum TOWARDS a preferred outcome? What can you see and observe with your own eyes, in real time, not through a screen, and not through soundbites or news spin cycle? Ground. Earth. Breathe. Love.

Love yourself, because you matter. You really do.

      from Thomas Reed https://laurabruno.wordpress.com/2018/08/09/enlightenment-through-shadow-work/

[kindergarchy]

A Manual For Cleaning Woman by Lucia Berlin

Whenever I feel the need to say something through my writing, I feel naked. Exposed… vulnerable. Not the nicest state to be in. So this is what I, or some of us do: We manipulate, as much as possible. Names altered, punchlines added. We pretend things that we hold dear don’t matter to us. Sometimes, we distance and remove ourselves - so much so that the body of knowledge is no longer recognizable; let alone resemblant of our own story.

(Welcome home, it’s safer now.)

But that’s not the case with Lucia Berlin. No one is saying that her works are 100% autobiographical… the umbrella of fiction her book falls under has allowed her to add a touch of, well, transformation of the truth (she refused to call it an “alteration of the truth”). Nevertheless, Berlin never plays it safe. She is never guarded in her stories. Upon reading her I get the feeling that although there are parts she might have preferred for the world to not know, she is not hiding them. Awkward details are dwelled upon sufficiently, discomfort never being glossed over. Pain - whether inflicted by or upon her, so much of it. Unafraid to bare it all, Berlin in her selected stories is doing what the opposite of most of us are doing. Being naked. Vulnerable. Human.

The thing about a collection of short stories is there must be a common thread connecting all of them - recurring themes, style of writing, a common voice - and yet they need to differ or be disjointed enough so that there is some space to breathe, a room for variation. This is why collections of short stories are not for everyone. You take a break and you start again. Just when you start investing in the storyline or the characters, the stories are brought to an end. It is emotionally and mentally taxing. Not the case with Lucia Berlin.

At first, perhaps, the book seems like a series of well-written stories: Neat, vivid, electric, expressive, introspective yet absorptive, calm yet unrestrained. A few stories down the road, patterns emerge: Alcoholic mother, dying sister, passionate affairs, troubled families, food stamps, school bullies, abusive men. All told in a very savory manner. Berlin relishes each and every detail, milking the most out of life. And then you realize all along it’s her life we’ve been reading.

Maybe I am biased… Mexico city is one of my favorite places to visit and I love the folks in Berkeley. Although either way I cannot imagine people getting bored from being told about these places. I mean, how could they? These places are bursting with life. Joie de vivre!

She forced herself to relax, to enjoy langostinos broiled in garlic. Mariachis were strolling from table to table, passed hers by when they saw her frozen expression. Sabor a ti. The taste of you. Imagine an American song about how somebody tasted? Everything in Mexico tasted. Vivid garlic, cilantro, lime. The smells were vivid. Not the flowers, they didn’t smell at all. But the sea, the pleasant smell of decaying jungle. Rancid odor of the pigskin chairs, kerosene-waxed tiles, candles.

But there is a price for that liveliness. Reading Berlin was a hard slap across my face. Things that I thought were cool back in Berkeley and Mexico City, have real consequences on people’s lives. I remember when I thought a text exchange with a stranger that I met on the street was funny:

“Hey man amanda here! Met you a while back near shattuck market. Got some of the stuff you told me last time?”

“Sorry this his aunt he got in santa rita.”

"Oh alright when is he coming back? He didn’t bring his phone?”

“Don’t no yet.”

How naive of me. At first I thought Santa Rita was a place like Santa Monica, until I googled… and giggled. I told my friends about it. The aunt’s broken English, the coincidence. “So funny right?” It makes me sick now… There is nothing funny about someone giving up a share of his life, most probably due to social injustice and a crooked federal prison system. This is how I feel about a lot of people who think black culture is cool with almost no context... We can think so because we are watching from a comfortable seat. To us they are a spectacle, a sight to behold. A band of tough fellas under the flag of counterculture. We glorify them, the “street” culture, unaware of or heavily underestimate the day-to-day suffering. In Indonesia we would say, “Ngomong doang sih enak (more or less translates to “Talk is cheap”).” In Good or Bad, this sentiment is illustrated clearly:

“See, they like you,” Miss Dawson said. “Doesn’t that make you feel good?”

I knew that they liked my shoes and stockings, my red Chanel jacket.

Miss Dawson and her friends were exhilarated as we drove away, chatting happily. I was sickened and depressed.

“What good does it do to feed them once a week? It doesn’t make a dent in their lives. They need more than biscuits once a week, for Lord’s sake.”

Right. But until the revolution came and everything was shared you had to do whatever helped at all.

“They need to know somebody realizes they live out here. We tell them that soon things will change. Hope. It’s about hope,” Miss Dawson said.

I’m a bit of both of these characters, currently. Scared of not doing enough, sometimes I end up doing nothing at all.

Lucia Berlin is the only white person I’ve read so far who has successfully managed to talk in depth about it in an immersive and non-condescending manner, probably simply because she has lived through it. There are no “white people suffer too” or “it’s all in your head” sentiments. She knows, and she’s telling us these. Reading her has made it more difficult for me to react to these issues, because I get a good glimpse of their world and there is probably nothing I can do about it. My defensiveness for the minorities is not out of the need to become politically correct.

Addiction plays a central role to Berlin’s stories, summarized by one of the strongest lines in this book: Of course by this time I had realized all the reasons why he couldn’t stop the truck, because by this time I was an alcoholic. There is probably not much known about alcoholism, people thinking that it’s less harmful than illegal drug addiction, or that if you drink a lot it means you are an alcoholic. I think the main thing that separates an alcoholic from someone who loves to drink is in fact, unrelated to alcohol. It’s what they do with the rest of their time. The Rat Park experiment came to mind: If you are “caged”, the likelihood of you consuming and eventually becoming physically dependant on your substance of choice increases dramatically. Not when you have the option of spending your time in a “Rat Park,” full of toys, friends, and other pleasantries. Lucia Berlin’s characters do not have the luxury of a “Rat Park.”

In this book most of the gems are placed beyond halfway through the book. Just when I get blown by one of the stories, it is outdone in the next story. My favorites: Friends, Melina, Grief, Fool to Cry, Good and Bad, So Long, Let Me See You Smile, Mama, Silence, Mijito, Here It Is Saturday.

Berlin is a master of phrases, they dance. My favorites:

The absence of noise was what so evocative of her childhood, of another era. No sirens, no traffic, no radios. A horsefly buzzed against the window, snip of scissors, the rhythm of the two men’s voices, an electric fan with dirty ribbons flying rustled old magazines. The barber ignored her, not out of rudeness but from courtesy.

and

“I pity you. All your life you are going to be paralyzed by What Is Done, by what people tell you you should think or do. I do not dress to please others. It is a very hot day, and I feel comfortable in this dress.”

“Well… it makes me not comfortable. People will say rude things to us. It is different here, from the United States…”

“The best thing that could happen to you would be for you to be uncomfortable once in a while.”

and

Jesse made everybody feel important. He wasn’t kind. Kind is a word like charity; it implies an effort. Like that bumper sticker about random acts of kindness. It should mean how someone always is, not an act he chooses to do. Jesse had a compassionate curiosity about everyone. All my life I have felt that I didn’t really exist at all. He saw me. He saw who I was. In spite of all the dangerous things we did, being with him was the only time I was ever safe.

and

These are pointless questions. The only reason I have lived so long is that I let go of my past. Shut the door on grief on regret on remorse. If I let them in, just one self-indulgent crack, whap, the door will fling open gales of pain ripping through my heart blinding my eyes with shame breaking cups and bottles knocking down jars shattering windows stumbling bloody on spilled sugar and broken glass terrified gagging until with a final shudder and sob I shut the heavy door. Pick up the pieces one more time.

Maybe this is not so dangerous a thing to do, to let the past in with the preface “What if?” What if I had spoken with Paul before he left? What if I had asked for help? What if I had married H? Sitting here, looking out the window toward the tree where now there are no branches or crows, the answers to each “what if” are strangely reassuring. They could not have happened, this what if, that what if. Everything good or bad that has occurred in my life has been predictable and inevitable, especially the choices and actions that have made sure I am utterly alone.

#lucia berlin #a manual for cleaning women #short stories #lydia davis #book review