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#my dad may of made me want a different last and wanna commit a crime
axolotlpuke · 3 years
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I’m really letting someone born before the Cold War dictate how my mental health is gonna be years from now huh
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Broken Down (p.2)
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Pairings: Arvin Russell x F!Reader (I just realized that though there’s a few little flirty parts or thoughts, it’s actually pretty platonic and open ended) 
Summary: (Part 2 of Broken Down) After escaping from Carl and Sandy, you and Arvin find yourselves in Knockemstiff. Little did either of you know, there was somebody else following you there. 
Warnings: Murder, Mention of Suicide, Canonical gore and violence, Reference to sexual assault but no depictions
Word Count: 6.6k
Find Part 1 here!
_________
Meade was the last big town until you hit Knockemstiff and you had decided to pull off at a gas station to fuel up to avoid accidentally running out of gas in the middle of nowhere. When the car’s tires rolled to a crunching halt, Arvin jumped out to pump the gas for you. You stepped out of the car and stood beside him while the tank filled with fuel. “What do you wanna do when we get to Knockemstiff? It seems like why ever you’re here is pretty personal so I understand if you wanna do this alone.” 
“Where ‘re you gonna go?” He dodged the question, the pump clicking to a stop in the background. He moved to shake the last few drops from the nozzle before replacing it at the pump. 
You and Arvin had talked a bit on your long overnight trip about your lives and your plans. He had told you that he was from Coal Creek and admitted to murdering a preacher named Preston Teagarden that impregnated his adopted sister, Lenora, which led her to committing suicide. He had told you all about this monster of a human and why he felt he had to do what he did and, though it felt twisted to genuinely support the murder of somebody, you couldn’t help but support Arvin’s actions. When you asked what was so special about Knockemstiff, he confessed that it was where he used to live, where his parents had died. 
Arvin had never found himself the overly talkative or trusting type. Coal Creek residents only seemed to judge him and his family, from bullies to the richer folk who looked down on his family simply for not having much money. There was something special about you though, and perhaps it was some unspoken bond that came about from nearly being murdered and then murdering said murderers, but it made him feel like he could open up to you more than he’d ever felt with anyone. 
You told him about your life and family thus far. You told him about your hometown of Barren Springs, not that there was really much to tell. It was just some small town full of cows and churchgoers. When he asked you what you were gonna do after today, you really weren’t sure. Hell, you were barely sure what you were doing now. 
You looked around at the surprisingly clean gas station before picking at your nails, “I don’t really know. Figured I’ll drive around for a few days. Maybe head back to Meade after I drop you off and stay here for a few until the story comes out in the newspaper. Just gotta make sure they don’t have any leads, y’know?” 
Arvin adjusted his baseball cap, “You ain’t gotta just disappear. I mean, you been mighty kind givin’ me a ride all the way out here but I don’t wanna just use you for a ride ‘n send you on your way. Not after everythin’.” He paused to think for a moment. His story wasn’t a pleasant one and his entire point in coming all the way out here was to try and find some peace with all ghosts in his closet. It was a personal journey, one that he didn’t really want anyone else to join in on, but he really did feel terrible just using you for a ride so far away and leaving you alone.  “‘M gonna go visit my old home from back when I was a boy. There’s some things I gotta do there. It’s, uh, it’s somethin’ I gotta do alone. You’re more than welcome to leave me here if you wanna go somewhere else but I don’t want to make you feel like I just used you for a ride.” 
You chewed your lip to hide the small way the corner of your mouth turned upwards at his ever-courteous manner. “Well what’re you gonna do after all this? You gonna be able to make it wherever you need to go?” 
“I ain’t got anywhere to go but I’ll figure it out. Don’t you worry ‘bout me,” he admitted, leaning against the car beside you. 
You looked up at him with your arms crossed, “How ‘bout I wait in town till you’re done doin’ what you need to do and then you can come stay with me in Barren Springs until you get a plan. It’s better for you to know where you wanna go and what you wanna do before running off.” 
Arvin’s eyes narrowed skeptically, “You sure you’re alright with that? I don’t wanna put you out anymore than you’ve already done for me.” He was never one for charity and didn’t want to take anything he felt like he couldn’t reciprocate. 
You nodded, pressing yourself off the side of the car and swinging towards the driver's side of the car, “It’s no problem, really. Now how much further to Knockemstiff?” 
** 
The drive to Knockemstiff wasn’t long at all and within the hour you and Arvin found yourselves driving along the road that he found hauntingly familiar. Even so, everything looked so different. Arvin couldn’t imagine the town changing much over the last eight or so years so he figured that the place just must have felt darker and grimmer with the ghosts of the tragedies that took place there. 
“Where’s your house?” You leaned forward over the steering wheel to peer further ahead up the road, trying to see through the thin layer of condensation that had built up on the inside of your window from the contrast of the heated interior with the dreary drizzly outside. 
Arvin gestured up the road you were headed down, “Should be just up there but it’s been a while.” You could see the way the road split off into a fork just up ahead and you could tell by Arvin’s face that he wasn’t quite sure which road was the right one. 
“Should we ask someone?” You pointed towards a small building up ahead, pulling over when Arvin nodded. 
The pair of you got out of the car to see an older man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch. “Howdy,” he greeted with a thick accent, “You pair look like you been travellin’. Where you headed?” 
Arvin shoved his hands in his pockets as he answered, hiding beneath the brim of his hat from the rain. You shielded your face with your hand from the mist, tiny droplets accumulating on your eyelashes. “There used to be a house and a barn up on that hill over there. Some lawyer owned it. You know it?” 
“Sure I do. Up in the Mitchell Flats.” The man answered sure as could be. 
“Still there?” 
The man leaned back, eyeing Arvin, “Well, I’ll be damned. You’re that Russell boy ain’t you?”
You felt the way Arvin tensed up a little beside you, clearly not comfortable with the legacy he seemed to have in this town, but stepped forward nonetheless. You followed him under the shelter of the porch awning, brushing a strand of hair from your face. “I just thought, seeing as I was this way, I’d stop by and see the old place again.” 
The man sighed heavily and stood, “Son, I hate to tell you this but that place burned some years ago. They think some kids did it. Wasn’t nobody livin’ there since you and your folks.” 
“Well, heck, we came all this way. May as well walk up there anyways.” Arvin insisted. 
The man’s eyes flicked over to you and back to Arvin, “Sure, just cut across Clarence’s pasture. Don’t know if you remember but there’s some pretty flowers growin’ up there this time of year for your girl there, too. He won’t mind if you take a few.” He glanced at you with implying eyes and you tensed up. 
“Oh, uh, we’re not- it ain’t like that.” You stammered over your words, hands waving slightly with a flustered chuckle. 
The man put his hands up, “My bad, ma’am. Just figured since you two were…” he paused and cleared his throat, “well, anyways. It’s nice to know you’re doing alright, son.” 
Arvin nodded in a brief farewell before turning to head back to the car and you followed, only stopping when he turned back to the man on the porch, “I never did thank you for the night my dad died. You were awful kind to me and I just want you to know that I ain’t never forgot it.” 
Even though you didn’t know the extent to which Arvin had suffered that night, the fact that he was thanking this old man that barely recognized him for the good deeds of nearly a decade ago spoke miles in your opinion. You stood back silently, knowing that this was his path to healing and resolution and that, at least for now, you were merely a spectator. 
“You had that pie smeared all across your face,” the man reminisced almost as if it were a happy memory, “Damn Bodecker thought it was blood. Remember that?” 
You looked at the ground with a silent chuckle at the thought of Arvin as a young boy with pie smeared across his face but that faded when you heard the way he said, “Yeah, I remember everything about that night,” with such heaviness. 
“He ain’t the lawman that I expected,” he continued, “Shame about his sister though.” 
“Why? What happened?” 
“His sister and her husband were found dead. Not far from Meade.” 
Your heart stopped beating and you glanced over at Arvin to find him already casting a nearly imperceptible but highly aware glance at you. “That’s awful. They know what happened?” You questioned, trying to force as much sincerity into your tone as possible. There was no telling with certainty that Bodecker’s sister and her husband were Sandy and Carl but that would be a huge coincidence for two different couples to wind up dead not far from Meade on the same day. 
The man nodded, “Last I heard, they don’t know for sure. I got a friend who’s son works in the sheriff’s department, though. Said they thought it was a murder-suicide at first but found bullets from a gun that they couldn’t find at the crime scene so they ain’t so sure no more. Looks like they’re investigating it as a murder.” 
Your mouth fell open, trying to find the words that would secure your innocence, as if this man had any reason to believe you were guilty anyways, but it took a moment for you to find your voice, “That’s terrible. I hope they figure out what happened,” you lied, less convincingly than you hoped but this man had no reason to not believe you.  
He nodded in agreement, “Yeah, real unfortunate to hear. But, uh, I won’t keep you any longer. You two stay safe out there.” He waved the pair of you off and you and Arvin returned to the car. 
The second both doors were securely shut, you let out a breath of air you weren’t aware you’d been holding, “We’re fucked, ain’t we?” 
“They ain’t got no reason to suspect us.” Arvin tried to reassure but the way he gripped onto his thighs tightly made you nervous. 
“He said they found bullets that didn’t match the guns at the scene. Did you pick up the bullets at the church? Can they trace the gun back to you?” Your questions flew frantically, pulling out onto the road and following the fork that the man had pointed down earlier. 
Arvin nodded, fingers rolling over the lumps in his pocket where the empty cases had been residing since yesterday. “Yeah, I picked ‘em up. ‘M pretty sure I got ‘em all.” 
You let out a shaky breath, feeling sick to your stomach, “Good,” You lied, feeling anything but, “good.” 
***
You sat at the tiny diner in town at a booth all to yourself, sipping at a soda and picking at a basket of fries. At first, you had thought that you could possibly read the book you’d packed into your bag for the trip but it sat on the table beside the napkin dispenser, untouched since you set it down after giving up at trying to read after your third time rereading the same paragraph and retaining no information. 
How could you read at a time like this? No matter how much you thought you had processed what had happened over the last twenty-four hours, it felt like the reality never truly weighed in. They knew that there was an additional gun so they knew someone else was involved. Carl and Sandy were murdered and the police knew it.
And of course Sandy would turn out to be the fucking sheriff’s sister! Just your luck, right? Carl probably could have disappeared and nobody would have noticed but the sheriff’s sister was going to be a hard one to hide from, especially now knowing that they suspected foul play. There’s no reason for anyone to suspect us, you breathed deeply, trying to calm yourself. 
The picked at basket of fries hadn’t been nearly as much comfort as you had hoped and your soda was none too great a therapist either. You didn’t realize you’d actually miss Arvin, the man you’d only known less than twenty-four hours, when you’d only dropped him off at the site of his old home thirty minutes ago but there was a loneliness now that made you uneasy. When Arvin was around, the last day’s events felt bearable but now that you were alone, the paranoia gnawed at you. 
Reaching for the ice cold Coca-Cola brand glass full of soda, you dragged it towards you, the sparkling liquid fizzing against your tongue as you took a long sip. Focus on the bubbles. Focus on the bubbles. Arvin will be done soon and you can get the hell out of Knockemstiff and as far from the crime scene as possible. 
There was a light chime from the small bell that hung over the door that drew your attention and you watched a tall dark haired man walk in, looking around like he owned the place. One of the waitresses walked right up to him with a warm smile, “Heya Sheriff! What can I get you?” 
Your blood ran cold at the realization of who this was and your fears were only confirmed when he turned and you could see the heavy expression in his eyes, “‘M not here for food, Sally. You seen a boy and girl come through here? They’re both young and pretty good looking. He’s kinda average height, brown hair?,” he went on to describe you briefly as well before continuing, “Might have been hitchhiking.” 
As casually as you could, you picked up the book and buried your face in it, letting your hair drape over the sides of your face to conceal yourself as much as possible. Sally thought for a moment, “Hm, we get the usual hitchhikers through here. The boy got a name?” 
“Arvin Russell.” Bodecker’s voice was flat and serious and the waitress could tell that he was in no mood for stretching this out. 
She shook her head apologetically, “‘M sorry, Bodecker. I ain’t seen nobody come through here with that name or a new couple at all. I saw Henry talkin’ to a pair who might’ve matched that description though. Saw ‘em on my way into work. Couldn’t see ‘em too well but sounds like they might have had the same hair color. I don’t know… they didn’t look familiar though. Maybe check with him?” 
It was amazing how your breath could reverberate so loudly off the thick walls of paper that shrouded your face from view. Your heart pounded in your chest as you continued to eavesdrop in silence. “Yeah, I’ll go do that. Thanks, Sal.” 
You peeked over your book to see her nod and perch up on her toes while she gestured to the kitchen, “Can I get you somethin’ for the road? Coffee maybe? You know it’s on the house.” 
Bodecker just shook his head, a solemn look on his face, the look of a man on a mission, “Nah, I better just head out.” With that he walked out the door and you watched him carefully as he climbed into his police car and drove off down towards the old man’s house that you and Arvin had been at not more than an hour ago. 
This was bad. 
As quickly as you could, you paid for your meal and hustled out to your car, practically throwing yourself into the driver’s seat and speeding down the road after the officer. If he was stopping at the old man’s - Henry, as you just learned - house, that could possibly give you enough time to find Arvin at his house and drive off before Bodecker could even find the pair of you. 
Your knuckles turned white on the steering wheel as you sped down the road, grateful that the roads were mostly empty at this time of day. The only sound was the wheels spinning against the asphalt and you talking aloud to yourself, trying to devise a plan. “Just get there before Bodecker, pick up Arvin, get the hell outta dodge.” You repeated it over and over again as if it were that simple. 
Soon, you passed Henry’s humble abode and, sure enough, the sheriff’s car was parked just outside and you saw his large figure questioning the old man. Neither of them paid your passing car any mind, which you were grateful for as you peeled off down the left fork of the road, the one that led up to the Mitchell Flats. 
You pulled up to the flat area that only had remnants of a house’s foundation now. Slabs of cement were the only signs that a house ever was here, mostly broken from years of abuse from the elements and teenagers. When you pulled up, you noticed that Arvin was nowhere to be seen. “Shit!” You hissed, jumping out of the car and jogging down towards his backyard, the direction he had headed when you dropped him off earlier. He couldn’t have made it far. 
“Arvin!” You called out, arms reaching out in a desperate attempt to keep your balance as your feet skidded every few steps along the leaves and moss that slicked the hill you hustled down. “Arvin!” 
“I really need you to fucking respond…” You groaned the words meant for Arvin aloud to yourself as you nearly tripped over logs on your trek through the woods. The trees all looked the same and you kept glancing behind you to ensure that you weren’t going in circles, often choosing little landmarks, like that one log that had mushrooms growing on it, to make sure you could find your way back. 
Finally, you saw Arvin’s form kneeling before an eerie wooden cross, his white t-shirt dirty from several days of less than ideal situations. You ran towards Arvin, tripping slightly over a few rocks here and there along the way. He turned, ears perked up at the sound of your footsteps. “Arvin! Thank God I found you. We gotta go. Bodecker’s onto us. He came into the diner looking for us and is at Henry’s now.” 
Arvin stood up hastily, “Where’s the car?” 
“Up by where your house used to be.” You pointed over your shoulder in the direction you came from, “C’mon! If we leave now we might be able to get outta here before-” There was the distinct rustle of footsteps coming from uphill that made you freeze. Your voice lowered to nearly a whisper, “Did you hear that?” 
Arvin froze as well, the only sound being your breathing, as you both waited for the sound again. Sure enough, there was a rustle of footsteps again. “Arvin Russell! I know you’re down there somewhere!” Bodecker’s voice rang through the forest clear as day, “You ‘n that girl you’re with. I know y’all are out there.” 
Arvin literally tackled you to the ground and hugged your body close to his as he rolled the both of you into a small crevice between a fallen tree and a hole beneath it. He pressed you close into the tree, hiding you as far into the small space as he could while he fumbled around in his pocket for his gun. 
“It’s Sheriff Bodecker, kids! I just got some questions to ask you!” 
Arvin perched up on his elbows to try and peer over the log. You reached up and fisted his shirt, trying to drag him back down. “What the hell are you-” 
A gunshot blasted through the empty forest and both you and Arvin flinched aggressively. His body dropped against yours and you held his chest tightly, burying yourself in his body and pulling him as close to you as possible, concealed in the shelter of the log. You let out a tiny shriek of surprise that you muffled by biting your thumb. His arms wrapped around your body in both an attempt to shield you but also as a knee jerk reaction looking for safety himself in you. 
“Sorry ‘bout that! Goddamn bird scared me!” Bodecker breathed heavily somewhere to the west of where you were, his footsteps getting closer and closer. “I ain’t here to hurt you! And I know that y’all don’t wanna hurt me. Come on out so we can have us a talk!” 
While Bodecker spoke his lies, Arvin laid back on his back and fumbled around with his gun yet again, this time gripping it and loading the clip with shaky clumsy hands. Finally, he got the clip loaded and he cocked the gun, holding it with both hands like an inexperienced marksman. 
You looked around frantically for something to use as a weapon, anything to not feel helpless. Rocks and sticks seemed to be your best choices but you knew damn well that wouldn’t do jack shit against a gun. Arvin glanced over at you with fear in his eyes, the fact that you both found yourselves facing death yet again for the second time in two days. Tragedy seemed to loom over Arvin like a storm cloud but, looking in your wide beautiful eyes, he’d be damned if he let you become another ghost in his past. 
“I had a feeling you’d be here. Remember that night you brought me up here? That was an awful thing your daddy did.” His footsteps were terrifyingly close now and you did the only thing you could think of to help. You tossed a stone as far away as you could. According to plan, Bodecker jumped and shot at the sudden movement. “God damnit, don’t fuck with me!” 
Arvin may have had the gun but if you could make Bodecker waste his ammo, that was less chances he had of shooting you and Arvin. It was the best solution you could come up with in the heat of the moment. Bodecker sounded furious now and when you peeked over the log, you saw him hiding behind a tree. 
You threw another rock in his direction and he wasted yet another shot. “Fuck! I swear to God-” He cursed angrily, knowing he was wasting his shots on nothing. 
“Put the gun down, Sheriff. I got one pointed right at you!” Arvin yelled back and your eyes blew wide in panic. You smacked him on the arm and the question in your eyes was clear: What the hell are you thinking?
“Can’t do that son!” 
“Just set it on the ground and step away.” Arvin’s voice shook despite his attempt at sounding firm. 
“What?” Bodecker asked with a notable change in his tone. Footsteps started approaching again. 
Poor Arvin fell right into the trap. “Just set it on the ground and step away!” He repeated even louder. You smacked his arm again and held a finger to your lips. 
“So you can kill me like you did my sister and that preacher in West Virginia?” Bodecker hollered back. “You and that girl murdered my sister, didn’t you?” 
For the first time since the incident, you felt actual guilt for what you’d done. Hearing the way Bodecker’s voice cracked with grief made you realize that Sandy’s death did actually have an effect on other people, even if she wasn’t a good person. Arvin swallowed hard too, “We ain’t bad people, Sheriff. That preacher weren’t no good. He hurt my sister so bad she killed herself, Sheriff. I had no choice!”
You shook your head and waved your hands at him, desperately pleading him to stop talking. Bodecker’s footsteps were only getting closer and you knew he was getting Arvin to talk so he could locate the two of you. Arvin just had to explain himself, though, and before you could move, Bodecker was right on top of you. From your new position, awkwardly creeping up a nearby tree, using its trunk for cover, you could see Bodecker’s shotgun peek out from around a tree. 
“I hate to be the one to tell you this, Sheriff, but your sister and her husband… they weren’t no good neither.” Arvin continued to explain yourselves to the sheriff. By then, your upper back was pressed up awkwardly against a standing tree but you were still lying down, hiding mostly against the fallen log still. Arvin stayed laying on his back, gun up against his chest. “I got a snapshot in my pocket of her huggin’ on some dead guy. And Y/N… you shoulda seen what they was doin’ to her,” Arvin’s eyes met yours and you could see a well of unshed tears as this poor boy was on the verge of breaking at the thought of watching you relive that horror. It was a brief moment that he wanted only you to see before he continued,  “What they wanted to do to us. We had no choice! Let loose that gun and I’ll show it to you!” 
Suddenly, Bodecker jumped out from behind the tree and Arvin pulled the trigger as soon as he saw him coming but not before the sheriff got a shot off right at the two of you as well. You shrieked out in pain as a few pellets from the shotgun grazed your arm, tearing holes in your jacket. They weren’t deep wounds but they tore long thin gashes across your flesh that began bleeding immediately. 
“Agh!” You yelled out, clutching your bicep that was already wet with crimson liquid. Arvin rolled over next to you, having flinched away from the bullets in the opposite direction. You wanted to ask if he was alright but he rolled back over to look up at Bodecker, confirming that he was thankfully at least alive. 
Your attention went to the sheriff as well who stood there looking dumbfounded at the red spot blossoming on his shirt. His jaw went slack and his knees buckled before he finally dropped to the ground. You and Arvin shot each other glances of disbelief. You both pressed yourselves off the ground and hopped over the log towards the sheriff. 
Bodecker was on the ground, gasping and trying to hang onto what was left of his life. The first thing you did before even looking at him long was kneel down and take his gun from his hand. Now that you were sure he couldn’t hurt you, you looked down at him sadly. Killing Sandy and Carl had been disturbingly easy because they were genuinely terrible people who were trying to murder you. They also died quickly. Bodecker lied helpless on the ground at the mercy of two young adults, gasping and gripping desperately to this world. This time, the murder made your heart feel heavy. Yes, he had been trying to murder you and Arvin but it was for his sister’s sake. There was a twisted nobility in the action that you could empathize for. 
Bodecker looked up at Arvin and then up at you. “So it was you in that picture,” he attempted to say, his voice a hoarse whisper. 
Your brows furrowed in confusion, “What do you mean?” 
He laid his head back, too tired to continue straining himself, “In… in my pocket… Found some pictures in Carl’s camera of… of a girl crying with her shirt.. With her shirt…” Bodecker attempted to explain but his voice failed him as much as his the rest of his body was beginning to shut down. 
You gasped at the mention of the photographs. In the heat of everything, you had completely forgotten that Carl had taken a few pictures of you. You patted down the sheriff’s pocket until you found a developed picture of you with your shirt torn wide open, bra out for the world to see, and tears streaming down your face despite the defiantly angry look on your face. Sandy was topless behind you, her lips pressing against your neck and her hands gripping your breasts, pressing them up and inwards to amplify their suppleness. Her direct eye contact with the camera was chilling. 
You shuttered at the picture, shoving it in your own pocket instead of giving it back to Bodecker. You weren’t sure what you’d do with it but you couldn’t risk anyone else seeing it. 
Arvin had caught a glimpse of the picture and noticed the way it shook in your hands. He noticed the way your eyes glazed over looking at it like you couldn’t believe it was actually you. When you shoved it in your pocket, he sighed and pulled out his own photograph to show the sheriff, the one of Sandy posing nude behind a man’s corpse. 
“We had no choice.” He told Bodecker. There was such sincerity in his voice and almost an apology in his eyes for the harm that he had caused to Bodecker and his family. It was never meant to be like this for either you or him. Neither of you were supposed to have become killers. Your hands were never meant to be stained red but life or death situations called for extreme measures and it had been you or them every time. “They was gonna kill us. I swear.” 
“We didn’t wanna do it but they had a gun to our heads and tried to force us to... We didn’t have a choice. They were gonna kill us.” You reiterated, voice just as shaky as Arvin’s as you had to sit and come to terms with the events of the last twenty-four hours. 
“I’m so sorry.” You and Arvin apologized in uncoordinated unison, hanging your heads low to genuinely show how sorry you were for causing him pain and that it had all had to boil down to this. 
Bodecker’s eyes left the pair of you and stared upwards at the trees. You glanced up to see what he was looking at and saw a beautiful clearing in the branches that framed the perfectly clear late afternoon sky. It was a beautiful view to have to be your last, you thought morbidly but truthfully. 
You and Arvin sat by Bodecker’s side, listening to his ragged strained breaths until they finally stopped and you knew he was gone. It felt like the least you could do after everything, staying with him so he didn’t die alone. You hoped that maybe it counted as some shred of redemption for the sins committed over the last two days. 
When Bodecker’s body finally went limp and his eyes glazed over, you reached up and brushed your hand over his face, closing his eyes. You couldn’t stand to see the empty blue orbs stare off into nothingness and know there was nobody behind those eyes anymore. Arvin stood up and walked over to where you had been hiding, not giving Bodecker’s body much attention at all after he finally slipped away. 
With a heavy sigh, you pressed yourself to your feet and walked over to where Arvin stood, looking down at a hole full of animal bones that you hadn’t noticed earlier. You visibly cringed, wondering what in the hell you walked into, “What’s that?” 
Sadness overtook Arvin’s features as he stared at the pile of bones, “My best friend from when I was a boy. I had to come back and give him a proper burial.” His vague answer clearly had a story attached to it but you didn’t have the heart to press him further on it right now. Arvin turned his attention to the pistol in his hand, the one he had used to shoot Teagarden, Carl, and Bodecker, and saw nothing but the bloodshed it had caused. 
You wished you could know what was going on in Arvin’s brain as he twisted that Luger in his hand. His eyes were deep with remorse, grief, and heartache and you could tell that this boy had seen too many tragedies for one lifetime and somehow, they were all related to the gun he held in his hand. 
After almost a minute of silence, he placed the gun gingerly on top of the bones in the makeshift grave and piled it full of dirt until it was indistinguishable from the rest of the forest floor. The only landmarks to signify its location were the three crosses that humbly stood above it. “Why’d you do that?” You asked with gentle curiosity. 
He stood up but kept his eyes trained on where the hole once was, “My daddy always told me to wait for the right time to do anything.,” He nodded his head, as if agreeing with his own decision, “I think it’s the right time.” His answer was cryptic and, yet again, you could tell there was a story behind it that you would have to wait to discover. 
There was a cool breeze that sent goose bumps rising across your arms and you glanced around the forest to see the leaves rustle and fall to the ground. That was when the black and white clothing of Sheriff Bodecker stood out against the gold and brown foliage and reality settled back in. 
“We should probably get outta here soon, Arv.” You urged with a gentle tone, a hand coming to rest softly on Arvin’s bicep. 
Arvin’s jumped slightly, eyes darting down to where your skin gently grazed his own. The softness of your touch and the sincerity in your eyes was one that he wasn’t sure he’d experienced since his mother. Even Lenora hadn’t filled that gap that he was secretly desperate for to be filled. She was kind and gentle but had a childlike naivety that you lacked. Arvin’s mother had never looked at him the way you did either. His mother had been tender and compassionate but there was a different kind of understanding in the way that you looked at him. One look into your eyes validated all of his sins over the last few days, for better or worse. 
His opposite hand reached across his body and rested over yours, revelling silently in the way your hand fit against his. “Yeah… you’re right.” Arvin took one last look at the three crosses that had haunted his dreams for years and it was almost as if he could feel himself kneeling before them with his father. These weren’t memories he ever thought he’d want to hold onto but now that he was faced with the possibility of never coming back, a part of him felt reluctant to leave. “Rest easy now, Jack.” He let his hand fall from yours with his last good bye and while you weren’t entirely sure who Jack was, you were fairly certain it was the name of whoever those bones in that grave belonged to. 
**
“‘M sorry,” Arvin said out of the blue from the driver’s seat of your car, shaking you from the silent daze that both of you had been sitting in for the last thirty minutes. 
You tore your eyes from the dashboard where they had long since zoned out on, emotionally overwhelmed, to look over at him. “For what?” You asked, brows furrowed.
“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten caught up in all this.” 
You shook your head, “That ain’t true, Arvin. We both ended up in Carl and Sandy’s car yesterday and we both pulled those triggers. Bodecker was shooting at us because he couldn’t settle with the fact that his sister was a monster. It’s like you said, us or them. I probably would’ve died with Sandy and Carl if it weren’t for you being there so if anything, I should be thanking you. You saved my life.” 
Arvin looked over at you, his eyes red from holding back tears for so long but he still shed none. He wasn’t sure what to say to that. The way you had been sitting so quietly had him convinced that you hated him for dragging you into a life ruining situation. “Well I wouldn’t have made it this far without you either so thank you.” 
You nodded with a small appreciative smile but there was an exhausted sadness behind your features that Arvin shared. Silence settled back over the car aside from the faint ever present sound of the wind outside the car as you and Arvin drove on down the highway headed for Pennsylvania. Neither of you knew what your next steps were but since killing Bodecker, you’d both decided that heading back to Barren Springs was not a wise decision. The two of you needed to get as far away from this area as you could, at least until everything blew over - that was, if it ever would. If Bodecker could track Arvin, that must have meant the other police officers knew that he had killed Teagarden as well. You weren’t sure if the police knew that you and Arvin were responsible for Carl and Sandy but you could assume as much since Bodecker came after the two of you. Even if they didn’t, there were pictures of you on Carl’s camera but your body wasn’t at the crime scene. Finally, when Bodecker didn’t return, wouldn’t that just put you and Arvin at the top of the suspect list? 
So with all the uncertainty in the world, you sat in the passenger seat of your own car with a stranger who you felt like you understood more than you’d ever understood anyone, driving across state lines with no clue as to what you future held. You didn’t know where you were going, when you’d get to come back home, when you could safely see anyone you cared about again, or what was going to happen to all your life goals now. Everything that had been planned and comfortable had been stolen away by a twisted couple picking up a poor girl with a broken down car. 
You didn’t know what was waiting for you in Pennsylvania, or anywhere for that matter, but even with all the uncertainty, one thing felt beyond doubt. Maybe it was the exhaustion from going two days with no sleep but you just knew Arvin Russell was going to be in your life from this day forward. There was something you couldn’t explain between the two of you. A spark felt like an inappropriate way to put it under the circumstances of your relationship thus far but it was an understanding, an empathy, a trust, a sense of protection of one another. When you tore your eyes off the road ahead long enough to look over at the man sitting beside you, his hair parted messily down the middle and his face and shirt smudged with dirt, you could have sworn you saw your future. Whether it was a future in prison together, as partners in crime, friends, or lovers, you weren’t quite sure, but a content smile crept up on your face at the inexplicably comforting knowledge that Arvin Russell would be there with you for whatever ups and downs were to come.
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hawkieloki23 · 3 years
Text
Name of fic: No Tears Left to Cry
Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x female OC (Tanner)
Plot: Tanner is a forensic scientist and is the adopted sister of Detective Benoit Blanc. She gets tangled up in this murder mystery as she is romantically interested in Ransom Drysdale. What will happen when she meets the family for the investigation of one Harlan Thrombey?
Warnings: Strong language, mentions of murder, arson, suicide, rape and sexual assault, smut, bits of fluff and angst.
Author’s note: I was going to write this on my other account but I didn’t get a chance to, so I’m doing it on this one. I rewrote some stuff from my first written draft, so hopefully it is good as the other one. Enjoy! The faceclaim for Tanner is Mary Elizabeth Winstead. None of the gifs are mine, so credit to the owners.
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Chapter 1
“Why do I have to come with you?”
Tanner moaned in the back of her adopted brother’s car, arms and legs crossed. “Because you have to. I am sorry sister but it is not my fault that forensic office got burnt down last week.”
Benoit Blanc replied, gripping the steering wheel as tightly as he can. “And anyways, you will be big help in the investigation. You are a forensic scientist after all.” “Maybe I don’t wanna help when we get there. I could just escape in your car.” “You can’t drive, Tanner. I know that.”
He sighed and rolled his eyes at her moody and narcissistic attitude. She was not normally like this and quite passionate about her job, finding evidence and DNA at a crime scene.
In the backpack next to her, she had  a hazmat suit with matching goggles and a pack of rubber gloves, alongside many different equipment and markers for such an occasion like this.
They arrived at a mansion and Tanner instantly recognised the place. Her slouched position in the back of the car became more attentive. Straighter spine and hands fidgeting.
Legs shaking.
She had a bad feeling about this.
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Benoit made his way into the fancy residential house. Tanner barely made it out of the car. As soon as her feet touched the gravel, a pair of brown eyes were soon on hers.
It was Marta Cabara. The nurse.
“Tanner?” Her Ecuadorian accent was as clear as day. A memory came into Tanner’s mind.
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Thanksgiving. 2018.
Harlan insisted Tanner to come to his family’s Thanksgiving, even though she had to go back to her brother.
She spent most of the day with Harlan’s nurse, Marta. She understood how badly-treated she was to the family (well except to Harlan) and she knew she had to spend time with her, despite the fact she was ‘working’.
Of course, there was clear blue eyes watching her every move.
---------------------------------
As Marta made her way towards Tanner, she was greeted with misery.
“Hey Marta. Who died?”
Marta just hung his head low in sorrow. Tanner instantly knew who it was. “No. Not Harlan.”
The first time she met Harlan was a day she would never forget.
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May 14th 2007.
Tanner was standing nervously. Her hands were on edge and her legs were trembling. Mr Harlan Thrombey was sitting opposite her, at his desk downstairs.
“You’re hired.”
She smiled and nodded at him as he timidly handed her job application back.
“Thank you Mr Thrombey.” “Please my dear, call me Harlan.” “Yes. of course Harlan.”
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She bowed and walked out of the room, under the careful watch of the rest of the family.
The same blue eyes watching her every move once again.
------------------------------
Marta visibly gulped and fiddled with her long brown hair to stop herself from crying. Tanner hugged her from the side as she was actually quivering, legs shivering, like she knew something that no one else knew.
But Tanner decided to leave it for now.
“He committed suicide. Meg and Fran told me.” Marta explained. “Oh no...” Tanner mourned as she slowly made her way towards the mansion to catch up with her brother.
Little did she knew, Marta threw up behind her back.
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Meanwhile, Tanner walked into the room that the police were using for interrogations. She walked towards her brother and stood next to him.
The policemen, Trooper Wagner and Lt. Elliott was in front of them, asking questions to Harlan’s daughter, Linda Thrombey.
Her eyes were straight on Tanner’s. She thought she recognised her, but continued answering questions for the cops.
“So we understand that night the family had gathered to celebrate your father’s 85th birthday.” Lt. Elliott asked her. “Yes.” Linda replied, legs crossed, like she thought she was more important that the police officers present. “How was it?” “The party? Pre-dad’s death? Oh, it was great.”
When Linda left the room, Tanner felt despair and awkwardness in her body.
“Sis, are you okay?” Her brother asked her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “No. I feel like I should tell you something which is probably important for the investigation. But not to the police officers.” Tanner replied, feeling a little insecure. “Please. Tell me.” Benoit reassured her, telling the officers to leave the room for a moment.
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Tanner sighed as she explained, “When it was 2007, I came here for a job as Harlan’s research assistant. And I got it. I worked for him until last year at Christmas.” “So how long were you at the forensics office for?” “Same amount of years. I only worked for Harlan in the summer. So it was a part-time job at the office. I wasn’t making a lot of money at the office.”
Benoit sighed and nodded. To Tanner, that meant he understood what she said. He promised that he won’t use it in the investigation. She didn’t want her to be a suspect.
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Tanner and Marta was sitting outside, playing with the dogs, stroking them and throwing a tennis ball for them to fetch.
“Your brother... He was asking me all kinds of questions about Richard cheating on Linda, Joni stealing money from Meg’s college fund and Harlan firing Walt from the publishing company.” Marta explained to Tanner.
“He’s so pushy... Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him. I knew he has a look when he’s crushing on someone.” Tanner replied, mumbling the last part.
“What? What does that --” Marta couldn’t believe what Tanner said.
“Nothing!” Tanner quickly interrupted Marta, throwing the green-ish tennis ball for one of the dogs, who was waiting patiently for her to throw it. She looked at the woodland view in front of her.
She had met mostly all of the family except for one.
The one with the clear blue eyes.
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@optimistic-dinosaur-nacho​ @donutloverxo​ @captain-a-rogers​ @navybrat817​ @nbarnes​ @averyrogers83​
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dzamie · 4 years
Text
I watched the live action Jungle Book! I’d say it was disappointing, but I set appropriate expectations going in. So, imma get into it:
So, the good parts first, in no particular order:
I really like Kaa’s hypnosis effect. The Disney animated movie’s swirling colors always looked really, really goofy to me, but the live-action’s waves of light and dark were very well done and legit alluring.
There are a lot of little jokes here and there that I feel were written in case they wanted to use them in a commercial. “You have never been a more endangered species than you are at this moment” is actually pretty darn funny.
The bodies moved well. King Louie was really the only animal I thought was straining realism too far; the positioning of limbs and torsos and stuff was pretty spot-on. Tails were a bit wonky, but you have to be looking for something like that, as someone with a slight tail fetish might.
This is definitely unintentional, but Mowgli makes an “oof” sound whenever something bowls into him or he leaps roughly against something. It sounds like the Roblox hurt noise. Tone-breaking, but HILARIOUS.
Having Mowgli seem to fear the bonfire was a nice touch.
As was having the final fight seem to take place at the watering hole, this time during wet season. Far from dry, the exact opposite of the Water Truce occurs - everything is in conflict.
Now, the less pleasant bits.
I mentioned the Water Truce callback was neat? Yeah. What a shame they took multiple minutes to repeat over and over that the Water Truce was that there was a truce around the watering hole. I’m glad they used all that time to explain why it was that Shere Khan wouldn’t attack anyone so he could conveniently see the man-cub. Also to set up the schtick where Mowgli has been Inventing Things because he is a Man.
Elephants are now a religion. I don’t like it, especially because it’s used to set up Mowgli rescuing a baby elephant from a hole, so that Baloo and Bagheera can see that Man Is More Powerful Than God.
The wildebeest herd exists only for shakycam purposes. There really isn’t much reason for Mowgli to not go directly into the river and escape Shere Khan on a log that way.
Oh how they ruined Kaa. I do rather like how she has a more cloying, sweet personality (it’s not better or worse than the animation’s rather goofy fellow, just different), but they whole-ass saw a snake character and thought “hey wouldn’t it be cool if she never wove around him or approached him from different angles? Let’s make sure to never show her for more than 8 seconds at a time, too; we MUST cut between her and Mowgli. There’s simply no way to shoot a scene where they’re both in the shot, talking.”
I hope you like snakeless ScarJo voiceover, because that’s literally half of Kaa’s appearance, from first line to last. It’s great that the man who hurt Shere Khan with fire just happened to be Mowgli’s dad, because I guess it’s not enough that Shere Khan wants to kill all humans in the jungle; he must have a Deep Personal Connection with the man-cub.
I can sort of understand coming out of the hypnotic vision to see Mowgli entirely in her coils, from a “this is Mowgli’s perspective” point of view, but wow it’s really unsatisfying. Look, the animated version had Mowgli slide into pre-coiled snek body, but at least we saw them interact. Kaa is pretty much a static prop here. What a waste of a serpentine character.
For someone who is afraid of heights and doesn’t know Mowgli, Baloo sure is eager to climb a big, tall tree and risk his own life against a giant, hypnotic snake.
Minor note: with all the focus on seeing Kaa from Mowgli’s point of view, Disney sure chickens the fuck out when it’s time to be snake chow. C’mon, you stupid mouse, show us what Kaa looks like inside.
It’s kinda weird that Bagheera and Baloo are so familiar with each other, considering that Mowgli has been in close contact with Bagheera all his life and neither met nor heard of the bear.
Shere Khan is almost comically evil to the wolves. Makes it hard to take his “I’m actually justified in my desire to kill you” thing seriously.
I feel like Disney hasn’t grown out of its “haha imagine SONGS in a CHILDREN’S MOVIE. What a stupid fucking idea” phase. Baloo and Mowgli sing off-tempo and off-key, and King Louie does a weird half-speaking thing that lets you know they want to do a song, but haven’t the slightest clue how to transition into one, and they still want to pretend to be a gritty serious realistic movie with no singing because that’s too silly.
King Louie Is Twenty Five Goddamn Feet Tall Because We Watched King Kong The Other Day
They set Louie up to be a mob boss, calm and composed for like a minute or two, and that goes out the window in no time flat. They try to bring back that structured “I help you you help me bada bing bada boom" thing back in the chase scene, but literally nobody cares what the chaser says in the chase scene. If they did, it wouldn’t be a chase scene.
“No, they don’t fear me, they fear you.” Except clearly they fear you because your MO this entire time has been “let’s kill and threaten animals and see if Mowgli comes back faster.”
Baloo, the laziest bear you ever did see who heard the wolf pledge exactly one (1) time and immediately dismissed it as propaganda, can recite it from heart because Shere Khan needs to be directly confronted with The Power Of Friendship
Can’t be a climax without fire. It’s a good thing that Mowgli can always find a safe path through this raging inferno that’s been burning steadily through the forest for the last few minutes or more.
Mowgli’s entire strategy hinges on many things that could go wrong at any moment:
a) the vines don’t catch on fire as he’s running through the burning forest
b) the vines and branch don’t catch on fire after he suspends them in the air in the middle of a huge forest fire
c) the dead tree, notably made of dead wood, which some may know to be extremely flammable, is not on fire nor does it catch on fire as he’s climbing it
d) Shere Khan follows him onto the branch
e) Shere Khan leaps at him on the fragile branch that Shere Khan seems to notice is weak
f) the vines and branch don’t catch on fire while he’s climbing them in the middle of a huge forest fire
g) he finds a way back out of the woods literally filled with fire
h) Shere Khan even follows him all the way in rather than going “nah the little bitch is gonna burn. Let him.”
i) the animals forgive him for setting the trees ablaze
They let ScarJo sing Trust In Me during the credits. Minor suggestion: don’t.
I choose to interpret Mowgli not seeing what happened with Kaa and Baloo to mean Kaa is still alive, and the monkeys trying to dig Louie out of the ruins to mean that he’s dead. This is entirely because of favoritism.
Compared to the animated version, this movie is much more based around Shere Khan, compared to around Mowgli and the jungle. Rather than “Mowgli won’t be safe here; send him to the Man Village so Shere Khan won’t kill him,” it’s “Mowgli won’t be safe here, but Shere Khan is going to threaten and probably kill us until Mowgli returns anyway, which he surely will because Shere Khan said so.”
They tried to do a grey-morality sort of thing by justifying Shere Khan’s fear of fire and hatred towards Men. But it kind of backfires because Shere Khan keeps being incredibly evil for no particular purpose aside from making his death be a good thing for everyone, and the one crime Mowgli commits (big fire) would not have happened if Shere Khan hadn’t announced his plan to kill the man-cub.
I really miss the allegories to different kinds of philosophies towards society from the animated version. The live-action replaces them with examples of different abusive relationships (Baloo is a manipulative fast-talker, Louie is supposed to be a mob boss, Kaa’s comfort is genuine but overshadowed by a desire to do harm), which is... nice, but not really my cup of tea.
Holy shit there is SO MUCH SHAKYCAM. You can barely see some of the scenes from all the shaking around. “Did we inspire adrenaline in you? Don’t you wanna go fast?” Yes, of course, but what am I doing this about? “...SHAKYCAM!! LOUD NOISES!!” It’s overstayed its welcome.
Realistic CGI animals are actually terrible at emoting.
This felt like yet another action film. Every opportunity they had, they threw in another fight scene or chase scene. You could take most of them out, cut off about 15 minutes from the movie, and still not have removed anything important.
All in all, I’m glad I now have 22 seconds of Kaa saying things. They really shouldn’t have given ScarJo so much coverage in the commercials, though. She’s in the movie for about 4 minutes, and she’s a visible snake for much less. I don’t think I’d pay to see this, and really this just gives me more reason to not watch other Disney live-action remakes.
Shakycam should have died eight years ago. Bring back shot composition.
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lemqnie · 5 years
Text
finally took part in my first fic exchange ( @dbh-summer-exchange ) and had the pleasure to write for @maladaptive-roses !! here’s your hank and connor family bonding time <3 (7.3k words long cross-posted on ao3 (CLICK HERE) and under the cut. enjoy! 
Five times Hank calls Connor son and the one time Connor calls him dad.
- 1 -
“Hank? What’s this for?”
Hank peers to his side where he knew the android is, only a few steps behind him. And this always happens. Hank runs out of food at home, says he’ll go to the supermarket, have the android beg for him to come with, and then have said android badger him with questions Hank knows he could easily search up through whatever database was wired into his cranial cavity.
Cranial cavity, holy shit. He’s slowly losing it.
Behind him, Connor’s cradling—if you could call barely holding it with the tips of your fingers cradling—a stark green appliance that had a circular middle and thick handles on each side with seven glinting blades centring a silver ring.
Huh. He didn’t know they still made those.
“It’s an apple corer.”
“A what?”
Hank sighs, halting his steps and pulling the cart back before it rolls across the aisle. “An apple corer. People use it to get the apple seeds out and have perfectly shaped wedges. It’s practical.”
“But you can just eat apples without having to cut them,” Connor rebuts, brows pulled together in thinly veiled disparage.
“Yeah, well,” Hank says as he resumes the stroll towards the dairy section, “humans are lazy. What do you expect?”
Connor doesn’t answer to that, instead, he toys around with the apple corer before resolutely placing it back on the hook and joining Hank’s pace once more. It doesn’t take long, though, for him to find yet another thing to fascinate over and bring it up to Hank for him to explain. This time it was a precooked bag of zucchini noodles.
Hank does little to mask his distaste as he explains.
“But, Hank,” Connor complains, the bag hanging precariously between the tips of his fingers, “wouldn’t it be easier and more environmentally-friendly to just buy a whole zucchini and cut it at home in comparison to buying them like this?”
“Not many people have that luxury,” he drawls, barely even sparing a glance at the android. He was here to get his cheese, damn it. Where is that brand? “Some people don’t have time to cook for themselves so they buy it precooked. God, where the fuck is it?”
Connor bounds to him, inching closer towards the open-air display of packaged cheese. His zucchini are already forgotten. “What are you searching for?”
“Cheese.”
“Yes, but what kind?”
Hank grumbles, “Aunt May’s Cheddar Cheese, Con, you know this. I always get the same fucking thing every time.”
If Hank had gotten dressed and made the trip downtown only to find out that the fucking thing had sold out, God knows what he’d do. Probably commit a crime.
Unlikely, he thought to himself, Connor would never let him.
“Oh. Is it this one?”
Hank turns to face him. Connor’s straightening himself up again but in his hands is that seven-pack bastard the man was looking for. He reaches for it and dumps it in the cart, but not before he takes a good long look at the android’s face. Was that uncertainty? Surely not. Androids can’t look uncertain, not with trivial tasks like grocery shopping anyway.
“What’s up with you?” he asks.
Connor blinks at him, mouth thinning into a tight-lipped smile as he shakes his head. The android takes the cart handles from Hank’s hands mutedly before he begins to walk.
“Hey! Don’t fucking walk away when I’m talking to you.”
“It’s nothing,” he calls out, already turning into the next aisle. “We should take this to the front. Before the shop closes.”
Hank narrows his eyes, scrutinising every single step the bot makes before he disappears completely. Just what exactly was he up to?
The conversation, obviously, happens during the car ride home. While he and Connor are experts at revelling in silence and do so during their free time, this silence is not welcome. Connor, for one, can’t stop changing his focus and flitting his eyes everywhere, hands clasping tightly on top of his lap. If Hank didn’t know any better, he’d say the android was nervous.
Unlikely, Hank’s brain comments, even deviant Connor is always valiant. Even with his life at stake, he remembers bitterly to the stunt Evil Connor pulled in the Cyberlife basement.
“Out with it,” he finally says, shattering the silence with a low grunt. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Sorry?”
Hank’s hands are tight on the steering wheel. The words will not come easy, he knows, but he’ll be damned to let this one slide.
“I said, what’s wrong with you? You’re all fidgety. You need a routine check or something?”
“Oh,” Connor mumbles, “no. I don’t.”
“Tired?”
“Not in particular, no.”
“Then what the fuck is it?” Hank spits out, finally sparing a look at the passenger seat.
Connor looks… small. Though the image shouldn’t shock him—Connor is small in comparison to the other police androids, his build is lither. For speed, his brain supplies—it stirs an old ache in his chest that usually returns twice a year. What, he thinks, it’s doing back now he has no idea. But he clings to it, the intensity of the pang almost leaving him breathless.
Finally, after a beat of silence, the android replies. “I turned off my visual cues today.”
Hank’s foot eases on the gas pedal, his car slowing down as they make the turn to his neighbourhood.
“What?”
Connor sighs, almost dejectedly, with his head resting against the window. “I turned off my visual cues. It’s part of the basic software androids are equipped with. It helps androids with decision making and recognition… among other things.”
Hank revs the car just enough for him to park by his, very, old-fashioned dumpster and fishes the keys out of the ignition. None of them makes the move to leave.
“Okay,” Hank pauses, nodding his head before he settles his eyes on Connor. The android is still fixated with the view outside. “And?”
“And,” Connor starts, peering at his hands on his lap, “I’ve been doing it for weeks now?”
Connor fails to meets his eyes again and Hank rolls his own. He twists his body so that he was half out of his seat and the android was within arms reach. One of his hands on the dashboard, he pushes himself up so he can take a closer look at the bot.
“Look. I’m a middle-aged man, Connor. If you have something you wanna say, say it now. Don’t beat around the fucking bushes, I’m too old for that shit.”
“I thought it would make me seem more human.”
Silence. Hank shuts his lips together, back returning to his seat. What did he just say?
Before Hank could even question him, Connor’s vomiting the truth out and with one glance at him, Hank knows he’s like deer on ice—scared, confused, newborn.
“I thought. Everyone at the precinct have talking lately about how human-like androids are, and every time I think about it I can always tell the difference between an android and a human. Their eyes are different, their tones are different, their speech… we’re not meant to blend in, lieutenant. And you said so, yourself, last week. You said that androids are so much smarter than humans and I wouldn’t understand the story because I never had to work for the knowledge.”
“Connor,” Hank says, but it’s all futile. The android launches himself into another ramble.
“But I want to! I wanted to know,” he gasps, and Hank can’t stop himself to compare this haphazard state of his to when he used to catch Cole do the same thing whenever his mother catches him redhanded.
A thought strikes him then.
Connor thinks he did something wrong.
“But with it off I can’t even remember the cheese that you eat,” he mourns, tossing his head backwards, “and it’s so numbing to have to ask you all the time about certain functions of an item just because I’ve switched my visual cues off because you always seem to look so… tired of having to answer such trivial questions, but I thought that was what it meant to be human! All the trivial things, and…”
“Connor, for fuck’s sake!” Hank yells.
The android finally halts his speech, waiting. Hank looks at him and scowls.
“Breathe, for a second.”
“Androids don’t need to breathe, lieutenant.”
“Don’t get fucking snarky. Just do it.”
With an almost perfect impersonation of human inspiration, Connor’s shoulders lift for a second before momentarily pulling themselves downwards.
“If it makes you uncomfortable, just leave the fucking thing on. You hear me?”
“But, Hank—Humans don’t have that…”
“But you’re not human!” Hank cries. God, he feels his hair turning even whiter if that was at all possible. Connor’s face falls before Hank jumps back into it. “And that’s fucking okay!”
Seeming as though he had been slapped, Connor’s eyes are wide, watching Hank. Gawking. Hank groans.
“Jesus Christ, kid,” Hank says, “look, if what they’re talking about at the precinct is bothering you, I’ll personally go find those bastards and tell them to stop myself. But I don’t care. Yes, I said that, but it was just a comment. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
The android is still silent, lips tight, and Hank is near to just pulling his hair out. Weren’t androids meant to be intelligent? Why was it so difficult to talk to this one then?
“Do you mean it?”
“What?”
Connor meets his eyes, and Hank can’t help but think to himself that they were weirdly glassy. The android flits his gaze down before they come back to him again. “Did you mean it? About me being an android.”
“What? Of course, yes, fuck. I don’t give a shit about what you are. In my opinion, you’re better than half the people I work with.”
Mollified, Connor’s lip twitches into a smile. “Thank you.”
Hank rolls his eyes, but there is no real heat to it and reaches out to ruffle the android’s hair. “You can be real dumb sometimes, you know that, son?”
Something in Hank seizes momentarily but when he looks up Connor is still smiling.
- 2 -
“Connor.”
The android’s once distant eyes refocus and fixate themselves onto Hank. The man sighs.
“Pay attention,” he says, pointing to the terminal on his desk. “There’s new bit of evidence down at the locker.”
“Shall I go get it, lieutenant?” Connor suggests airily. Hank waves his hand dismissively and that is all it takes for the android to push back from his seat and round their table, making straight for the locker. Hank doesn’t bother to watch him leave, knowing full well that the precinct has come to be the android’s second home since the Uprising.
The precinct’s having one of its more calmer days. If he listens closely, like a sap, Hank’s sure he can hear the muted chirps of a flock of goldfinches or some shit outside. The officers around him are deep in their work, not a rarity, but certainly nothing he would have noticed in the past. Even Fowler’s briskly typing away on his terminal instead of opening his mouth and slandering his daily pick like the big bitch Hank knows he is.
Of course, whatever shred of calm is ephemeral in his world. Even at home, he’ll have a good two minutes before Connor launches himself at his dog and they toss around the living room, almost knocking an admirable collection of his furniture into dysfunction. Here, it’s no different.
It starts with shouting, but even that can be passed off as one of their earlier arrests waiting to be booked. Then, a thump. If his years working as a police officer has taught him anything, it’s the sound of a body hitting the floor. He’s on his feet before he even registers what was going on. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Fowler rushing out of his stupid cube room.
“Anderson! What’s going on?”
Hank doesn’t reply. It’s only when he side-steps the glass barrier and finds himself facing the calamity did he finally make a sound.
“What the actual fuck?” he yells.
Reed, that pisshole, has Connor under him, hands around the android’s neck. It didn’t even seem as though Connor was resisting, which makes sense after he reviews the scene that evening because androids don’t need to breathe, lieutenant.
“Reed! If you don’t stop this behaviour right now,” Fowler bellows from beside him, hands coming up to rest on his big hips while he stares the both of them down. Reed, of course, did not seem to hear a word from the both of them and when Hank sees a flake of that derma layer chip off, he surges forward.
Sticking his fingers into Reed’s shoulders, Hank forces both of his arms to jut out, sending the man a few feet back.
“Connor,” Hank calls, hands coming to rest on the android’s neck, softly cradling it between his hands in case of any imminent fracture. “Where does it hurt?”
Before Connor can answer, Hank feels himself yanked back and he lets out a wheeze when he feels the edge of his spine meet the wall.
“Didn’t I fucking tell you that I’d get you next time, Hank?” Reed sneers. Hank doesn’t bother to look at him, he stares at the floor where Connor lays. Except he wasn’t there.
In a second, the pressure of Reed’s arm against his collarbone ceases and he watches as Connor flings the rat to the end of the hallway. The lights above them flicker when Reed plummets to the ground.
Connor stalks up to him just as Reed pushes himself back against the wall, eyes widening when he realises he was cornered. Connor doesn’t stop, instead, he continues his sluggish pace and halts only once he towers over the man. The android doesn’t speak but he bends down and uses a single arm to raise Reed until his feet hang loosely in the air.
The sound of multiple guns cocking reverb in Hank’s ears. They’re aiming at the android. Connor.
“Connor!” Hank shouts, scrambling to his feet. He’s behind him in a beat but Fowler ruins it with his incessant warnings. Hank whirls at the captain. “Jeffrey, if you don’t shut your mouth I swear to god! Let me talk to him! He’s just scared.”
“Scared my ass. He’s holding Reed above air! Any second and he’ll kill him.”
“That’s why. Shut the fuck up. Let me deal with this.”
Fowler relents, somewhat, but the shotguns stay pointed. Hank has to calm him quickly. He’s sure if he had the android’s visual cues or whatever the fuck Connor calls them, he’ll see the android’s stress levels rise higher just as Connor said he saw in Ortiz’s android the day of their first interrogation together.
Hank grabs at him, but his grip on Reed’s collar is unwavering.
“Connor. Don’t do this.”
Reed growls but the noise is cut short when Connor’s hand tightens just a fraction, the v-cut exposing his chest now scrunched up in the hands of one android. The detective chokes, but Hank pays him no mind. He rests a hand on Connor’s nape, gentle but firm.
“He hurt you,” Connor bites out, and now that Hank is by his side he can see the dark that had manifested into Connor’s eyes. It was as if he was seeing Connor’s evil twin again, only it wasn’t directed at him this time. But, still, more machine-like than he has been for the past year since the Uprising. “He hurt you, Hank.”
No, Hank decides, not machine-like.
It isn’t machine-like to protect your pride, or that of someone you care, your family.
Family.
That strange ache wells up between his rib cage again and this time Hank has an inkling feeling as to what has been causing it, but he has a job to do. So he puts his foot down and says, “Let him go, Connor.”
“He hurt you,” the android spits out, slamming Reed to the wall. The man groans and the guns shift slightly. Hank sweats.
“I know,” he reassures him, hands still on the nape of his neck, “I know. He’s not worth it. I’m fine, Con.”
Slowly, he sees the trepidation ebb from his eyes but his brows and jaws were still locked in place. Hank sighs.
“That’s enough, son. Let him go.”
In a second, Reed is sputtering on the ground, gasping for air. Chen rushes to his side, she shoots Connor a glare, one that he didn’t respond to, and hauls her friend up. Reed doesn’t lift his face once as Chen escorts him out of the hallway.
One by one, Hank can hear the sound of his fellow officers leave the scene save for Fowler who keeps his eyes on their backs like a hawk. Hank turns around and motions him to leave but Fowler scowls.
“You’ll do well to remember that I’m your captain, Anderson,” he warns menacingly. Hank watches him go before he tends to Connor. When he faces the android, that look of anger is flushed away, replacing it a down-turned set of brows.
“Hank,” he pleads, “Hank. He was hurting you.”
“I know.”
“He threw you against the wall when you had back problems!”
“I know,” he mutters. “But it’s fine. Alright? Reed’s a nasty dick when he wants to be. I was more worried for him. To be in a fight with you like that.”
At this, Connor scoffs. He rolls one shoulder before he manages to look at Hank. “That was hardly a fight, lieutenant. Detective Reed assaulted me and I laid still until you came.”
“You’re right,” Hank says, grinning as he claps one big hand to the android’s back. “Hardly a fight. God. Sure. Whatever. Fuck! I need a burger.”
“Chicken feed again, lieutenant?”
“I burned all the calories I consumed this morning from that throw. Spare this old man an inch of your mercy, will you?”
Connor doesn’t get the joke, but it’s okay. Hank thinks he’s starting to understand what this means. And if that’s the reason he lets Connor play with the ketchup smear on his burger pack then so be it.  
-3-
“It went that way!”
Connor takes off in a flash, leaving Hank staring at the empty space he occupied just mere seconds ago. He’s not quick enough to run after Connor, but he catches sight of the android making a rather sharp turn around the corner into a dark alleyway before he vanishes.
The storm blurs his vision and he curses, feeling the wetness seep through the fibres woven into his jacket. With a loud crack of thunder, Hank starts towards where he saw Connor last but a large hand stops him.
“You won’t catch them in time,” Chris Miller shouts, “go around this way. It’s heading for the freeway!”
Hank doesn’t question it. His feet are already moving before he spares the second to command them. He pushes past the crowd of officers lounging by their cruisers, doesn’t note the tired pull of their eyebrows with his heart matching the whip of the thunder in the skies.
The streets are deserted save for the occasional parked car. He makes the turn, nearly jumping into a steep puddle, and runs straight into another open road.
It’s a residential area, he realises. They were called in because there had been another homicide case, their eleventh android abuse case this month. After reading the stupid file, Hank denies the case for the first time in his career. Fowler looked ready to tear him limb-to-limb, and it was Connor who assures the big oaf that they were going to look into it.
Hank didn’t speak a word to him the entire ride to the crime scene, nor did he want to. There was a storm brewing in his own head, much darker than the one outside his car and he wonders briefly if androids were aware of human stress levels as they were of each other. He was sure if they had been equipped with such intelligence, Connor wouldn’t have insisted they went.
Truth be told, Hank didn’t want to even step into the fucking apartment because he knows Connor saw the fresh footprints that indicated their criminal was still there, which most likely meant that they might be persuaded into a run and then a pursuit and the goddamn paperwork…
No, it’s more than that, he thinks as he makes another turn into a dimly-lit alley. It’s about Connor.
The past year following the Uprising slowly brought in more and more android hate-crime cases, and it was always given to them. The one pair in the precinct with an android.
He knows, inside, that Connor’s more than capable of defending himself. But with the rise in these cases, each case seems more malicious and violent than the last. This one…
He didn’t even want to see the android. The criminal had torn its limb apart, only the head remains connected to the body. Its derma layer was switched off, leaving the white chassis open for everyone to see the burn marks and open cuts the perpetrator administered.
Connor was as stoic as ever, but Hank knows. There’s fear in his system, and he doesn’t need Cyberlife’s fancy tech to tell that his android is scared.
He’s about to cross the fence when he sees them. Connor and the human wrestling in the mud, right by the holo-sign warning them to keep off the highway road. Cars are speeding down the highway, almost becoming indistinguishable blurs in the rain.
“Connor!” Hank calls out, jumping across the barrier and onto the wet grass. There’s a sickening squelch under his boots and he can already feel his toes becoming wetter. Hank drags his foot out of the mud and brings it down an inch forward.
The human decides he has had enough and shoves Connor off him, the android tumbles into the mud. Without hesitating, the killer lifts himself across the barrier, disrupting the holo-sign, and makes a dash for it. Connor is on his feet, but before he could even step forward, Hank yanks him back.
“You will not! Connor, you hear me? You’re not fucking going after that psycho!”
Connor struggles against him, but Hank knows there’s no real pull to it. If he wanted to, Connor could kick him and send him propelling backwards for, at least, a good fifty feet.
Hank tightens his grasp around Connor’s collar. “No!”
“He’s getting away, Hank,” Connor growls, his arms ready to push Hank off. Hank knows he won’t. He’s sure.
Right?
The storm breaks down harder than ever, and with the whines of car tires in the rain, Hank pulls at Connor with the last bit of stamina he has left.
“Son,” he begs, “please.”
Connor slumps.
He doesn’t speak to Hank during the car ride back to the precinct, or the one home. He doesn’t speak to Hank the next morning either, but there’s a warm plate of breakfast waiting for him in the kitchen. And Hank knows they’re okay. He’d rather have Connor shun him for a good few days than having a car crash into him on the freeway.
- 4 -
It’s Fowler's fiftieth wedding anniversary, not that Hank keeps count. The Captain had invited the entire precinct to his home with the promise of barbecue and liquor, it was almost a too-good invite to ignore. He knows because even Reed shows up, Tina on his arm as they make polite talk with Fowler’s wife, Martha.
“Seems like a party.”
“Sure,” Hank agrees, eyeing the crowd surrounding Jeffrey who was attending to the grill. “Hold on, let me go congratulate the fucker.”
“I’ll come with you,” Connor says, brown eyes kind. Hank smiles and ruffles his hair.
“Nah, why don’t you go get acquainted with Martha over there? Maybe she’ll let you pet their dog.”
“They have a dog?”
“Sure do. Go ahead, kiddo. I’ll get you in a second.”
When he sees Martha welcome Connor with a warm smile and Reed excuse himself, he finally lets himself walk into the backyard.
It’s an even livelier party than the front of the house, he notices. There are paper lanterns placed carefully on the grounds as to illuminate every inch of the garden without doing too much and a polite murmur between the officers, Lewis and Person, stationed by the picnic table clothed with a checkered cover.
“Well, if it isn’t grumpy old Anderson,” Jeffrey teases, flipping a burger with his left hand. Hank lets out a low chuckle.
“Figured I’d stop by, at least for the free food.”
“Fucker,” Jeffrey says, “when did you arrive?”
Hank steps to his side and the few officers around them, namely Wilson and Brown, excuse themselves to catch Reed coming down from the patio with Chen. Hank watches them for a while before he returns to his friend.
“Just parked the car. I haven’t said hi to Martha though.”
“You should. You know, she likes you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Hank says, waving a hand dismissively as he steps away. “Don’t burn the meat, it’s the only reason I’m here.”
Jeffrey doesn’t even turn around to flip him off.
Hank has known Jeffrey since they were classmates so, naturally, he has seen Martha grow into the radiant woman she is today. He has been her guest more times for Thanksgiving and other festivities than he would like to admit, and for that, he could never thank her enough for not leaving him alone to wallow in his loneliness.
She’s standing, watching over Connor who was sitting promptly on the white chaise by the fireplace as the Ricky, the five-year-old dog, nip at his hands. The android seems to hear him enter the lounge because without even sparing a glance, Connor calls for him.
“He has the most soulful eyes I’ve ever seen, Hank,” Connor says. Hank ignores the fact that he sounds like he’s about to cry and pats his back instead. Martha laughs.
“Hank, it is so lovely to see you.”
Hank smiles warmly at her, reaching out for a hug which she accepts easily. “You look wonderful, Martha. New dress?”
“Oh, yes. Jeffrey says he bought it for me just last Sunday. The red is so bright I thought I might look like one of those road signs in the old days.”
“Nonsense,” Hank laughs with her, “you are too beautiful.”
Connor seems to have blocked out their conversation entirely because he lifts himself to his feet and has made it a mission to follow Ricky wherever he’s butting his nose into, including the corner of the room.
Martha doesn’t reply, and it takes Hank a while to realise that she’s openly staring at him. Something passes in her eyes and she reaches one warm arm and rests it against his shoulder.
“You have changed,” she whispers. “I can see it. Maybe not fully healed, and maybe you will never fully heal, but you’re much better off now, aren’t you?”
His eyes flit away from her dark almond ones to find Connor curiously tapping at the aquarium by the window that Ricky has decided to rest in front of. When the school of Koi’s swim away, Connor recoils, as if offended they had decided to leave him alone. Without meaning to, Hank feels his lips curve into a smile.
“Yes,” Hank finds himself agreeing, “I guess so.”
Martha follows his eyes, she catches a glimpse of Connor gently petting the Australian Shepherd before she turns to him with a knowing glint. “He told me he’s one of the most advanced models Cyberlife has built, but he’s rather innocent isn’t he?”
Hank hums.
“Like a child,” Martha says, only the slightest hint of hesitance in her voice. Hank meets her eyes. “Like a son.”
Hank knows what she’s asking him and perhaps it’s the same question he asks himself, like that night of the chase and the fight with Reed. And while he knows that walking the grey will be much easier for him down the road, he’s willing to risk that safety to find out what exactly living could be like. So he returns her unwavering gaze and nods.
“Yeah. Like a son.”
- 5 -
“God, this place fucking stinks. Hey, open up the window, will ya?”
“Okay,” Connor says, already moving towards the nearest window to dislodge it from its lock. With the fresh breeze filtering in, Hank finally feels his brain restart.
The house is damp, both from the remnants of the storm last night and from the lack of air it is deprived of. It eerily reminds him of Ortiz’s house with the slash markings along the walls ratified by the torn wallpaper limply hanging onto the wall like leprosy. Hank steels himself and finds Ben among the other forensic staff they dispatched.
Ben doesn’t even look at him when he approaches. “Glad you could make it.”
“Didn’t really have a choice.”
“Well. That sucks,” Ben says in a slow drawl before he beckons the two of them to come inside, “it’s a serial case, alright. Whoever’s been harming these androids, they’re collecting them.”
The difference, Hank realises, between human homicide cases and android homicide is the absence of fruit flies buzzing around the scene for the latter. He doesn’t know if it’s a detail he wants to remember, but he’s forced to recognise the rather silent and un-rankness of the house.
There are about five androids lined horizontally in front of the chalky fireplace. Hank steps over one of their portable LED light, avoiding the ratty brown armchair, and squats with his hand on his knees over the bodies.
Like the previous cases, all the androids are rendered bare in their white chassis. Unlike their previous case, however, these androids seem to be perfectly intact.
Hank draws his eyes to their heads, all of them had their eyes opened, unblinking.
“Connor,” he says, waving a hand to motion him over. The android strides over, abandoning another yellow evidence note. “What’s wrong with them?”
The android is silent behind him, but Hank knows better. Connor’s mega processor of a brain is somehow always construing pieces of information lying hidden for the naked eye to see. When Hank looks back, he sees Connor’s LED circling from yellow to red. He waits for it to return to its normal cyan colour but it never comes.
Connor blinks at the five androids, mouth agape. Hank furrows his brows, calling his name, but at the answering silence he pulls himself up with a strong push of his left knee.
Hank grips Connor’s shoulder. “What is it? Connor, for fuck’s sake, what is it?”
The other officers seem to pause whatever it is they’re doing and turn to them, watching as Hank shakes Connor, almost pleading for an answer.
There’s something tight in his chest, and he swallows it down when he slaps Connor’s face. “Wake up!”
“They’re not off.”
“What?”
“These androids,” Connor stutters, finding Hank’s gaze in a frenzy, “they’re not off. They’re still online, they just… something’s making them not move but everything else in their system is fine. I—they’re screaming, Hank. Make it stop.”
Hank’s screaming at someone, most likely Ben, when Connor abruptly falls to his knees. He sinks down with the android and only flinches when both of Connor’s hands fly to his ears as he curls inwardly on himself.
“Connor? Con—someone fucking does something! Ben, the droids are messing with his signal, says they’re not off.”
Ben, thank fuck, has the decency to look as stricken as Hank feels. The man rushes over, crouching next to Hank to get a better look when Connor lets out a pained gasp.
“It’s a virus. A virus!” he yells, closing his eyes shut, “I need—it’s forcing me to shut down, Hank, don’t let it shut me down.”
Miller is the one true voice of reason, screaming, “Get him out of here!”
Hank hovers him for a moment before he forces Ben to help him lift Connor out of the house. The two of them grunt and wheeze as they drag the android out of the house and past the metal fence. Hank takes them past the cruisers to his car, draping him over the hood.
“Con? Connor,” he hisses, pushing the android’s musty hair back.
With his heart thundering in his chest, Hank gulps in a large intake of air, hand coming up to rub his temple. Ben’s there in an instant, a heavyweight on his back. But the only thing he registers is the constant reminder that Cyberlife is a ghost company and that Connor isn’t even sure he’ll be able to access the other RK800 vessels after he went rogue. If he dies, Hank shivers, it’ll be permanent.
The night breeze tickles his ears and there’s only the distant chatter coming from the house. The android is still lying there, face pinched in pain, and Hank waits forever until the red on his temple dissolves into a muted yellow then, very slowly, a blue.
He sighs in relief, finally breathing properly.
It takes a while for Connor to process his surroundings but the second he’s aware, he’s rushing back towards the house. Hank manages to grip the hem of his jacket and yanks him back.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he shouts.
Connor’s eyes flit from the furious twitch of Hank’s brow to the house and he wrenches the man’s hand free. “It’s a bomb, they’re set to go off in a minute, they—we need to get the other officers out of there!”
Hank’s moving with him before he can even think about it, but he tells Connor to remain by the fence just in case the waves interfere with his own signals again and Connor growls.
“No, lieutenant, I’m not letting you go in there without me!”
“Too fucking bad, kid,” Hank snaps, he shoves Connor to the nearest officer, who just happened to be Person. “Make sure he doesn’t leave.”
Person isn’t given enough time to reply because Hank’s already pulling Ben into the house and evacuating the area. Ben ventures deeper, pulling out the forensics from the kitchen and the bathroom while Hank ushers the newbie investigators in the living room to get out. Ben’s jogging towards him when he hears Connor shout for him outside.
“Come on, Anderson,” Ben yells, and Hank throws one last glance before they sprint to the front yard. Hank’s barely making it past the gates when Connor runs to him, he’s about to tell Connor off when he hears a click then he’s being pushed to the ground and there’s a wave of heat that consumes him.
Hank’s only barely conscious when the heat dies and he’s the first to push himself on his back, a deadweight thrown over him slowing the process. He takes a few deep breaths and hears the sirens blaring. The sky above him contorts itself into waves, swirling his vision until he feels himself being lifted. There’s a team fussing over him when he sees Ben face peer over and then his brain is firing.
“Ben,” he slurs, trying to lift his heavy arm but failing, “Ben. Con… where’s Connor?”
Even deluded, Hank is not one to be denied of anything. He yells, but his ears feel as though they are being blocked by cotton. “Ben!”
Exhausted, he lets the tiredness render him silent for a moment and he barely registers the throb in his abdomen. Lolling his head to the side, Hank can barely register another stretcher, but a stretcher nonetheless. Forcing himself to focus, his heart stops.
“Connor!”
The android is on a stretcher, but instead of being lifted into the vehicle like he is, they had him resting on the road while everyone is rushing around to attend to the officers. Hank tries to sit upright, but a strong hand resits him.
“Connor, you need to,” he rasps, before someone is placing an oxygen mask on him, muffling his protest. Hank inches forward only to be stopped again. “My son, you have to help him, Connor!”
Hank feels the drowsiness seep into his circulation and bangs his fist to the side of the stretcher, shaking him slightly. When the corners of his vision begin to darken, an unbearable sense of loss seizes him. He turns his head as far as it can go once more and takes it in.
Connor, abandoned on the ground, part of his face blown. There’s a tear by his jaw, leaving the white chassis to reveal the blue wires under, and the blue… so much blue. No, it wasn’t the amount of blue blood that scared him the most, it’s Connor’s LED. The circular thing that Hank had asked Connor to remove but had the android valiantly stating that it was a mark he wishes to not get rid of because he likes it, the one tell-tale sign of his son’s true feelings, was now black and empty.
Hank barely feels the wetness trail down his cheek and as the unconscious finally pulls him under, he whispers one last prayer, hoping he didn’t have to wake up knowing how it feels to lose a second son.
Hank, if he’s being entirely honest, didn’t know what he expects. It certainly wasn’t this.
The sun’s just about to set outside, Hank can tell because the window sill is casting a rather annoying bar of shadow across the top right-hand corner of his TV. It was the fucking game, too.
There’s scuffling from outside before the jingle of keys and exactly one dog bark is heard.
“It’s open,” Hank calls out, barely moving an inch from the couch. The door wheezes open and Sumo bounds to him. “Hey, boy.”
“I’m back.”
“Had fun?”
Connor closes the door and places the house keys carefully on the kitchen table before he opens the fridge and peeks in. Hank watches this with the barest hint of amusement, it seems that even deviant the android has a prioritised list of missions in his head. When he finds nothing he agrees with, the android’s usually tight lips curve into a frown.
“What happened to the vegan meat I bought on Thursday?” he asks, eyes narrowing as he ignores Hank’s question. Hank rolls his eyes and goes back to his game.
“I ate it.”
Connor steps to his side and leans down just a tad. “Liar.”
“No, I’m serious. I ate it all.”
“No, Hank, I’m pretty sure you didn’t because you were by my side for the past two days working on the Warren case.”
“Fine, fine,” Hank grumbles, a hand finding Sumo’s ear to give it a good scratch. “Tina might’ve said she’s going vegan and I offered her the meat thing. Oh, come on, you didn’t actually expect me to eat that fucking thing, did you?”
Connor straightens himself up before he retreats to the kitchen, the sound of the opening cupboards the only tell-tale sign that he is there. Hank twists a little on the couch, but Sumo is laying perfectly still across his lap, and there isn’t much he could do now is there?
“Connor, come on. Look, I’m sorry, okay? I get it, you want me to eat healthy, but even you know that was a way out of my comfort zone.”
He receives no reply and Hank considers whether he should try again, but knowing how sulky the android can get, he decides to leave Connor be for the meantime.
The game is as uneventful an off-season game could be. Hank gazes at the TV sluggishly, wishing for Connor’s usual monotone banter as he cooks. But the android keeps his lips shut, making no call towards Sumo either. Hank grunts, crossing his arms. Just how long will the kid brood?
Around six-thirty, the stove is switched off and there’s scraping before Hank hears the sink grunt. The couch dips on the other side and Hank turns to see Connor sit, a plate complete with a spoon and fork, balancing precariously on the palm of his hand. He offers it to Hank mutedly.
“Thank you, son,” he says, earnestly hoping that Connor can just resume their normal evening programme instead of this cold shoulder game that reminds him too much of a pissed-off teenager.
Just when he thinks he’ll be going to bed in silence, Connor replies. “You’re welcome,” he says, then, “Dad.”
Hank freezes. The plate wobbling slightly at the sudden stop.
He doesn’t dare look at Connor just in case his eyes are as red as they feel, burning right at the back and making his vision weirdly blurry. Hank coughs, wishing whatever that is stuck in his throat gets released.
“Are you okay?” Connor asks concern dripping from his tone. Hank waves a hand but doesn’t speak.
He stares at the TV and curses inwardly when he can see their reflections on the screen are just as odd as he feels. There’s another fucking pause before Connor talks again.
“Hank? I’m sorry, was that not welcomed? I thought I had read…”
“No,” Hank cuts him off, then scratching the nape of his neck sheepishly, “I was just surprised. That’s all.”
“But is it okay?”
“What is?”
Connor chews on his lip momentarily before he responds. “That I called you… as though you are my father.”
“Jesus, kid, don’t talk like that,” Hank groans, rubbing his temple. “Just say, dad. It’s fine.”
“Dad. Dad? Dad…”
“Go nuts.”
“Dad!” Connor exclaims with renewed energy, Hank’s full out laughing at him but Connor pays him no attention. The android bends forwards so he’s eye-to-eye with St Bernard and pets him enthusiastically. “You hear that, Sumo? I have a dad now.”
Hank looks down at him, unaware of the soft smile on his face, and reaches out to pat his head. “You’ve already had me for a while, kid.”
Connor’s eyes are shiny when they look up and Hank’s almost sure the weird shake of his mouth means that he was trying to smile. “Does that mean I get your surname? Officially? On my card?”
“Whatever you want,” Hank huffs with a tinge of laughter. Connor rises to his feet and squeezes his hands into fists by his side.
“Connor Anderson,” he says.
Hank’s fingers are absentmindedly roaming the vast expanse of Sumo’s coat when he nods. Connor’s eyes are brighter than he ever sees them, mouth pulled just a tiny bit farther, and his brows less than an inch higher.
Hank hums. “Cole would’ve loved a younger brother.”
Connor’s mood isn’t entirely dampened, but he sees the way the droid’s shoulder falls just a fraction before they rise back up again.
“I would have liked to have an older brother, too,” Connor says. Hank doesn’t realise the tears that stream down his face until the droid hands him a tissue. Hank barely manages to say thanks when Connor falls like a heap into the couch and smiles dopily until the next morning, driving to the precinct to get his name changed officially in the system.
When Fowler drops by and hands him the new nameplate, Connor shakes his hand with a grin before he empties the holder and slides the new slate in. Hank goes around his own desk and admires it.
“What do you think?” Connor asks, fidgeting with his hands on his lap.
“Detective Connor Anderson,” he reads aloud, reaching for the plate, “it does have a nice ring to it.”
And Hank didn’t expect this, the giddiness that swells in him whenever he sees Connor’s terminal flash his new surname whenever he’s logged off or the seven letters printed next to Connor on the boy’s badge, but he doesn’t think it’s all that bad. Better start practising his old dad jokes again, he’s sure he kept a list of them in his nightstand somewhere…
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So, I got the next chapter of Literally Billy Batson out. Hopefully y’all enjoy it!
Ao3 Link: Chapter Three: The First Impression 
Fawcett City, U.S.A.
October 4th, 2010
Billy is one of many students who pour out of Fawcett City Elementary School and into the chilly autumn air. He likes it, being a nameless person in the crowd. It makes him feel more normal, more like if he sticks with the crowd he may hear his mom calling him or see her looking for him. He won't, but it gives him a moment to imagine she might be there.
The moment is gone as soon as the crowd starts to disperse. Half of the students are picked up by parents and the other half walks home. Billy sticks with the half walking home as long as he can before splitting off and heading towards the east side of Fawcett City (know for its slums and abandoned/condemned buildings). No one else goes that way.
Billy walks with his head down and the hood of his aptly named hoody pulled low over his eyes. He's pretty confident in east side Fawcett City, but always better to be safe than sorry. People can be nasty.
He's so distracted that he doesn't even notice the figure standing in front of him. He accidentally bumps into the older boy, sending them both sprawling to the ground.
"Hey, watch it, Billy," the boy complains.
Billy looks up at the boy and grins, jumping to his feet and holding his hand out. "Sorry, Freddy," Billy says sheepishly. "What are you doing here anyway?"
Freddy shrugs, a smirk playing on his lips. "I figured I'd come to say hi to you before my trip. I mean, how will you survive without me to keep you company for a whole week?"
"I'm sure I'll be fine," Billy says drily.
"I don't know," Freddy says. "You may die without me."
"Haha," Billy deadpans. "But seriously, have fun camping with your grandpa. Take lots of pictures for me!"
"I will," Freddy promises, shoving Billy with his shoulder a little. Billy shoves right back.
"Wanna come to my place?" Billy asks. "Will your grandpa mind?"
"Nah, I told him I was going to your place. He said that was fine. I think us not going to the same school and seeing each other less makes him more willing to let me hang out with you."
"It's not my fault you're in middle school," Billy says. "You're just too old."
"I'm like a year and a half older than you."
"Your point is…"
"It's not that big a difference. Next year we'll be in the same school anyway," Freddy dismisses. "I'll be in sixth grade and you'll be in fifth. That's pretty awesome."
"Yeah, it is," Billy agrees. "Middle school, dude! I'll be an official middle schooler."
"It's really not as exciting as it seems," Freddy says dubiously.
Billy shrugs Freddy's attitude off. They both know it's only because Freddy doesn't like school. He likes sports and superheroes. Billy know this because they're best friends, have been since Billy first started school again and they were in the same building, albeit not in the same grade even then. Freddy was the only person to not call Billy annoying back when Billy first got back to school after almost a year of missing it. He was also the only person who talked to Billy.
In turn, Billy knows one of the reasons Freddy calls Billy his best friend is because Billy was one - is one - of the only people to not be drawn in by Freddy's popularity and the fact that he's an amazing baseball player. At least that's why Freddy tells him that he chose Billy as his best friend.
"Hey, you need any help with homework?" Freddy asks.
"Nope. I just have to finish a paper due next week. I think I'll be good today. Why? Do you have any homework?" Billy asks innocently, knowing full well Freddy probably does.
"Yeah," Freddy sighs despondently and runs a hand through his brown hair. "I have a ton of science stuff to do. Grandpa says the only way I could hang out with you today was if I did some of it with you. So, wanna help?"
"I guess I can," Billy sighs.
"Don't act like you're sad about that," Freddy snaps good-naturedly. "We both know you live for science stuff."
"And history," Billy agrees. "I love history."
"Especially all those weird myths from Rome, Egypt, Greece, and stuff," Freddy says. "What's up with that, by the way?"
Billy shrugs. "My parents were archeologists," he says. "You know? So they found all sorts of stuff about ancient gods and stuff. I probably know, like, all the stories. It just makes me thinks of them, so I like to read about them."
Freddy makes a sympathetic noise. "I know what you mean. My dad used to play ball with me all the time before he and mom went to jail, and I know he's not a good guy, but I like baseball because it reminds me of when things were okay."
Freddy always knows just what to say to make Billy feel better, or at least take his mind off of things. Freddy is the only person who knows Billy is homeless. He's the only person Billy trusts not to tell. Freddy was going to when Billy first told him, but Bill had explained… not everything, but enough to convince his friend he'd be fine alone.
Freddy still worries though, which is why he comes over so often. Billy thinks it's nice, having someone care about him so much. It's also kind of funny to him, that Freddy thinks he needs taking care of. Billy is Captain Marvel, for goodness' sake! Not that Freddy knows that, of course.
"Hey, we're here!" Freddy exclaims. "Come on!"
"Wait up," Billy squawks as Freddy run into the run-down dirty yellow apartment building ahead of him. "It's my apartment!"
"I'm not waiting for you!" Freddy yells without turning. "You're so slow!"
"Am not!" Billy shouts back, running to catch up to Freddy, who is already heading up the rickety stairs.
"Are too!"
Billy slows down after a moment. He knows he won't catch up to Freddy. He also knows Freddy has an extra key, so he won't need to wait to go into Billy's apartment.
Freddy has only asked how Billy manages to stay hidden from building inspectors and keep the heat, electricity, and water running. Billy explains it by saying he hides and he must just be lucky, respectively. It's a good answer, but it's not true. It's all magic. Magic keeps it warm and keeps the building inspectors from even going to his floor. They just skip it like it's not even there.
Billy sometimes wonders if part of why the Wizard chose him is because he already has a natural affinity for magic, just needed training. Billy knows all his magic (in his mortal form) is enhanced by Captain Marvel, but it's still his, not Captain Marvel's magic. He just has the proper tools and books to use it now.
"You coming?" Freddy shouts from a few flights of stairs up.
"Coming!" Billy shouts back, starting to walk again. He'd stopped without even noticing, too caught up in his own head to notice. "I'm coming, Freddy!"
Fawcett City, U.S.A.
October 5th, 2010
It's cold, even colder than it had been yesterday. It's the type of cold that settles in your bones and makes you wish for summer. Normally Billy loves autumn. The color of the leaves. The cheeriness that seems almost contagious. But today he just wishes that it could be warm. He doesn't like it to be this cold. It almost feels like the weather is warning him. About what, he doesn't know.
He doesn't dwell on vaguely unsettled the feeling that's been hitting him since he woke up. It's probably nothing but paranoia. Or maybe there's a storm coming. Billy always gets kinda uneasy before a storm hits Fawcett City, even when he doesn't know a storm is going to hit.
He leaves the schoolyard and heads west, towards the middle school nearby. With luck, Freddy won't mind if Billy comes over to his house.
"Hey, do you know where Freddy is?" Billy asks a grimy teenager smoking something that's definitely not a cigarette. The teenager definitely goes to the high school nearby, but almost everyone in this area of the city knows who Freddy is. Freddy is just that type of charismatic person.
The teen leers at Billy like he's trying to scare him. Billy doesn't react, despite the teen gross yellow teeth being bared at him in a feral grin.
The teen moves back and nods to himself as if Billy's passed a test.
"Tall kid? Baseball cap?"
Billy nods eagerly.
"He got in this old guys car after school got out."
"Duh," Billy says to himself slapping his forehead. Freddy started his camping trip today after school. Billy should have remembered that. Man, this cold must really be messing with him. "Thanks, dude."
"No problem, kid," the teen says. "Have a good one."
He goes back to smoking. Billy turns around. Now what will he do all day? Yeah, his apartment is warm, but that doesn't mean he wants to spend the whole day alone in it. Maybe he should go shopping. But he doesn't really have anything other than a few dollars left from his last shopping trip. He'll need to find a way to earn some more cash. Mowing lawns won't exactly work this time of year.
Maybe he can rake leaves?
Ugh. That means he has to do that today, make enough to last for a least a month's worth of groceries, and extra for new winter gear. Then again, if he works quickly enough, he may even get some extra spending money to afford food other than ramen noodles, cereal, mac n cheese, and a few fruits and veggies. Eating healthier food is always nice. Maybe he can even get some frozen pizza.
Plans made, Billy takes off for the nearest residential neighborhood he knows is full of adults who find it cute when kids come and ask to do jobs like rake leaves, mow lawns, weed gardens, and shovel snow.
Billy's pretty sure he has half of that neighborhood he's a kid that lives there. It's one of his favorite places to live. Some of the people even give him snacks and lemonade when he works.
Afterword, he can patrol as Captain Marvel, then he'll go shopping. Or he'll go shopping tomorrow if anything big happens while he's Captain Marvel. He doesn't think there'll be anything more than a few shoplifters today though. Even the criminal element in Fawcett City know when it's too cold to commit a crime. Cold as it is, autumn and winter are the slowest seasons to fight crime.
Billy is so glad he lives in Fawcett City where the criminals are reasonable and know when it's too cold to be committing a crime. He can't imagine how annoying it must be for Batman to fight crime in Gotham City in the middle of winter since crime never slows down in Gotham.
"Hey," a voice says, and Billy feels a hand land on his shoulder. Billy jumps about a hundred feet in the air and lets out an embarrassingly high-pitched yelp. "Sorry, sorry!" the voice says quickly.
"It's fine," Billy says, catching his breath and looking over the owner of the voice. A kid with messy black hair - possibly a young teen - wearing sunglasses and relaxed clothing (Billy's leaning towards him being a kid. Probably twelve. Too short to be a teenager). "You just surprised me."
"Yeah, I tend to have that effect on people," the boys says ruefully, running one of his hands through his hair in a gesture that reminds Billy of Freddy. "Sorry again. I was just wondering if you could help me."
"Main Street is that way," Billy says immediately, pointing north. "Go there and you can pretty much find wherever you're looking for without too much trouble."
"No, I just needed help finding someone who goes to the elementary school," the boy says. "William Thomas Batson? Maybe you know him?"
Bily looks over the boy more closely. It doesn't seem like he's looking for trouble. You can never be too careful though.
"Why do you need him?" Billy asks. "Do you know him?"
"Nah," the kid dismisses. "My guardian had an old letter from the kid's mom, Marilyn Batson. He figured William may want to see it."
And Billy's tempted to ask how they even know where he is; it's not like he's an official student - not that any of his teachers or the other students know that. But at the mention of his mom, that thought is erased from his mind.
"I'm William. I prefer Billy though." Billy holds out his hand.
"Well, that was serendipitous," the boys says, grabbing Billy's hand firmly. "I'm Dick."
Billy doesn't manage to stop himself from snorting.
"I'm sorry," he says right away. Not for thinking it's funny, necessarily, but for being rude and laughing about it.
"It's fine," the boy says. "I've heard pretty much everything, believe me. Anywho, Dick Grayson, as I said."
Billy does a double-take. "Wha- Dick Grayson!" he whispers furiously, looking around. "Like, Dick Grayson?!"
The boy- Dick Grayson, looks amused. Something about the expression combined with the sunglasses is familiar, but for the life of him, Billy can't quite put his finger on why. It bugs him, and he's sure he'll think about it later, but for now, he's too focused on the immediate issues. Like that fact that Dick-freaking-Grayson is looking for him.
"Yes," Dick says, amused. He even takes his sunglasses off briefly, and sure enough, it's the teenager. Billy may not have a TV or watch the news, but he knows what Dick Grayson looks like. Mainly because Bruce Wayne funds the Justice League publicly and that means he's pretty familiar with both of their images.
"My mom sent a letter to Bruce Wayne?" is his next question.
"They met abroad before your parents were married," Dick explains. Anyway, I'm gonna call Bruce and have him meet me here." At Billy's confused look, Dick looks away from the phone he pulled out a moment ago. "He was looking for you closer to the elementary school."
"Ah," Billy says.
Dick speaks briefly into the cell phone before pulling it away from his ear and hanging up.
"He'll be here in a minute," Dick informs Billy. "You don't mind waiting here?"
"No," Billy says.
"Good."
A few moments later a tall, broad man in a suit appears. He's wearing sunglasses like Dick. Unlike Dick, he seems uncomfortable. It isn't hard for Billy to tell this is really Bruce Wayne, which automatically makes him more relaxed. Bruce Wayne funds the League, Batman even approves of him doing so, so that means Bruce Wayne isn't a bad person. Batman would never associate with someone if they had something even vaguely shady in their past.
"Hello," Bruce Wayne says. "You must be William?"
His voice is surprisingly gentle, considering his size. Billy still can't get over the fact that Bruce Wayne came to Fawcett City just to find Billy and let him look at an old letter from his mom, even though the letter certainly isn't anything Billy needs to see.
"Yes," Billy says. "I prefer Billy though, if that's okay, Mr. Wayne."
Bruce Wayne seems surprised by how eager Billy is. Or Maybe he's just surprised Billy's so trusting. Anyone who has ever seen Billy as a street kid is surprised by that. It's not that Billy's that trusting; he's not. Billy's just good at reading people. Also, he's not nervous around Bruce Wayne because Justice League funding. Not that Bruce Wayne knows that. Even though it's public, it's not exactly common knowledge outside of League members who their main funder is.
"I have the letter your mother sent me, Billy, if you want to see it?"
"Yes, I'd really love that, Mr. Wayne," Billy says.
"She sent it to me right after you were born," Mr. Wayne says. "It ended up getting lost in my desk, which is why I didn't find it until recently."
"Were you and her friends?" Billy asks. "How did you meet?"
"I'd like to think so," Mr. Wayne says, a surprisingly fond look on his face. "We met in Peru before she or your father were going to be married."
"That's interesting," Billy says honestly. "What was the letter she sent you about?"
Mr. Wayne sighs deeply. Something in Billy's gut twists uncomfortably.
"It was about you. I mentioned she sent it right after you were born. I have it here if you'd like to see it now?"
"Yes, please, Mr. Wayne," Billy says.
Mr. Wayne pulls a piece of paper out of his suit pocket and holds it out to Billy. Billy grabs it gently with shaking hands.
It still smells like her perfume. It's a reminder that she had been real, once. It's nice because even though Billy logically knows she'd been real before she died, having a reminder is nice. He misses her so much. Her and his dad.
He unfolds the paper with a gentleness that surprises even him. Her handwriting is just like he remembers it being from the notes she'd leave for him on his lunch box and hidden inside his books or even just shopping lists on the fridge. He spends what's probably more time than necessary just looking at it without reading.
When he finally does begin to read the letter, he almost drops it a moment later. He fumbles for a moment before regaining his grip and reading even faster.
No. No no no no no no no no. This can't… this can't be true. (But it has to be, a voice whispers in his mind. This is her handwriting. She wouldn't lie about it.)
Oh, god. His mom had written to Bruce Wayne. His mom had told Bruce Wayne Billy was his son. But it just can't be - Billy refuses to believe it's true. His parents would have told him if it was true. They wouldn't have kept it a secret. Why would his dad even love him and let Billy call him that if he wasn't Billy's real dad?
This has to be a lie, a trick. It can't be true. It just can't.
Billy's dad is C.C. Batson, not some rich guy his mom probably only knew for a few months in another country.
"This isn't true," Billy says, ashamed by how much his voice is shaking. "You can't be my dad. My dad is C.C. Batson. You're lying. I know it."
His voice breaks on the last word. Billy hopes neither of them notices it. He ignores how hurt Mr. Wayne looks and how shocked Dick Grayson looks.
(Billy knows this isn't a lie. Somehow, someway, he knows this isn't a lie. He just doesn't want to believe it.)
"I'm sorry," Mr. Wayne says honestly. "I really am. But your mother was one of the most honest people I ever knew. I don't think she's lying."
Billy refuses to even think about this. (He ignores how similar he looks to Bruce Wayne. How he's even more similar to Bruce Wayne that C.C. Batson. Really, if he was with both of them, people would assume he's Bruce Wayne's son, not his dads.)
Billy shakes his head desperately. "No. No! You have to be lying. I don't believe you."
"Listen, Billy," Dick begins. "How about this. You know what a paternity test is, right?"
"Yes," Billy says shortly. "I'm not dumb."
"Then take one," Dick says. "If it matches then that means you're Bruce's son, biologically. Your dad is still your dad. Biology doesn't change that."
Mr. Wayne adjusts his jacket, seeming spectacularly uncomfortable. "I'd been planning one of those already. I don't think she's lying, but maybe she was wrong. I figured you'd like to know the truth."
And Billy does want to know the truth, even if it's a truth he doesn't like.
"I'll take the test," Billy says, the anger from earlier evaporating as suddenly as it had appeared. Now he just feels kind of tired. He's glad this street is empty. That no one can have possibly seen this.
"I brought my friend, Dr. Leslie Thompkins with me. She has all the equipment to do the test in my hotel room. We can go back there if that's okay with you," Mr. Wayne says. It doesn't really sound like a question, but Billy can tell it is a question.
"Okay. Okay. Are we walking?"
"I have a car?" Mr. Wayne suggests.
And the first rule of being a street kid is you don't get in a strangers car. Billy knows this. It's one of the first lessons you learn, either from getting in a strangers car or hearing the horror stories of what happens when you get in a strangers car. Billy may not like Bruce Wayne right now, but he knows he won't try anything. He knows Bruce Wayne is a good person. And even if he wasn't a good person and Billy was dumb enough to get in the car, Billy can protect himself, both with Captain Marvel and the magic he always has at his disposal.
"We can take that," Billy says. "I mean if that's what you want to do?"
Mr. Wayne smiles slightly and Dick Grayson beams at him.
22 notes · View notes
gayneral · 5 years
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All those flowers, my dude
First of all thank you for asking, this will be longAlso as this took me almsot two weeks already I took the liberty of leaving some queastions out so I wouldn’t take even longerSince this was answered over a longer time span some questions that are aimed at certain days may be slightly outdated (ed what are u wearing today and such)
Alisons: Sexuality?I’m gay my dudes
Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?He/Him, male
Amaryllis: Birthday?My Birthday is in June
Anemone: Favorite flower?This is gonna sound lame as fuck but I rly like roses, red ones in particular
Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?I can’t choose but here are some favorites:
Peaky Blinders, I’ve watched this one so often,,, Cillian Murphy was what got me into it and I stayed for beautiful scenes and atmosphere and the gang drama
Gotham, Let’s be honest, the best thing abt dc are their villains (also suuuuper into Robin Lord Taylor as Oswald)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Office, i like these because they are easy, nice and satisfy my need to have something running in the background while I’m at home. (Also insanely sweet in the case of BB9)
Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?One I still remember strongly is from two boys kissing “you should all live to meet your future selves”
Also many of the poems by keaton st james deeply resonate with me so check those out (most are religious-ish just in case that’s a no no for you)
Aubrieta: Favorite drink?I gotta be boring and say water
I like hot chocolate and a special kind of peach tea and some soda I drank in brazil but water,, yeah I drink that most,, love hydration
Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Nope
Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?I am, right now, at this very moment
Baneberries: Favorite song?I can’t give you an all time favorite so here’s a random favorite I currently like listening to: Sedated by Hozier
Basket of Gold: Describe your family.My family is not very big and actually hasn’t been a family for a very long time. Namely it’s my dad, my sister, my grandparents, my dads wife, her son, our dog and I. I have never experienced family in my youth so sometimes when I’m with them it’s all very odd. And sometimes it’s stressful. But it’s the first time I actually miss family when I’m alone at home, far away. I speak about my father and my grandparents further below but my sister is very sweet and I’m pretty protective of her, she and I get along a lot better now than before which is a common trait as ull see later.
We often take care of things, and are probably the most planning of the family. My dad’s wife is very good to talk to, having a very different perspective from my own and will always offer up advice. Her son is currently in pirperty and more interested in playing fortnite than anything which makes for some explosiveness at home. Our dog is cute and perfect that’s it.
Begonia: Favorite color?I like blue tones, but a dark, rusy kind of red is cool too
Bellflower: Favorite animal?Dogs Dogs Dogs. By far my favorite animal, they fill my heart with joy. Next up, Giraffes, funny big boys
Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?Morning I think, I definitely work best early.
Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?I actually never really had a dream job as a child. Not that I remember at least.
Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?While I generally ain’t a big fan, like I’m someone very based on conversations so obviously that’s hard w kids. I am growing more to them. I’m far from wanting one but I think children are special in their.. Like innocence. They are beyond all the bitterness and hatred that we adults have. If only parents would be better lmao
Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?I’m afraid of many things. Change for example. And failure. I think that might be because being perfect was important when I grew up and whatever I did it was never enough to my mother especially. Perhaps that has become so deep rooted that I tell myself I can not fail, which makes me very nervous and makes me worry too much.
Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.I spend lots of time on building sites and in hardware stores because my grandparents have houses and my parents often would work there too.
Buttercup: Relationship Status?Single
Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?God I don’t know, I think it’s probably when I’m with someone I care about and it’s easy and light and fun and I feel comfortable and they tell me that they like being around me, or that I made them happy with something.
Canna: Do you have any tattoos?Nope,wanted to have some but money and shit
Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  I have my ears pierced, but it’s the earlobes so the most basic thing
California Poppy: Height?  I insist on 1,70 at least, I will not accept being under that.
Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?In a way, yeah
Carnation: What are you currently wearing?My new boots, black pants, winter coat, black jacket, a blue button up and a lord of the rings shirt underneath. Obviously underwear
Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?When I was a child for sure
Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?A person from school, who’s also in fashion design, but a few years above me that I got to know bc of cosplay.
Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?My Ex
Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?God idk, I like oldish looking ones, elegant ‘n stuff
Columbine: Are you tired?Nah, actually not rn
Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?Sam visiting me in March
Coneflower: Dream job?I’m not sure, definitely something w sewing but idk if I wanna go theater or my own things
Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?Introvert
Crocus: Have you ever been in love?Yeh
Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?Very very far
I’d say I’m pretty damn loyal and also give myself up easily even without noticing. If someone has my love and my loyalty they have my everything basically. Would I commit a terrible crime? I don’t know. Would I be real mean to someone or punch them? Yeah, if it’s reasonable w the situation I would (would it be affective? Not sure)
Give myself up? If we’re thinking real dramatic..maybe yeah
Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?Gemini
Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?Funny or stupid things? MaybeOtherwise honourable stuff, i don’t think so, i don’t view my actions like that.
I mean I survived, that’s pretty cool
Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?Above mentioned survival. Which includes making it out of my mother and her boyfriends abusive grip and household. Moving away. Being true to myself. Dragging myself out of the hole I had fallen in for a while. Getting close w my dad and family. Believing more in myself and stopping things that are not good for me. Getting an apprenticeship that I like. Moving forward in life
Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?If it’d be my dad I’d sit down with him and ask him why exactly. I have had a relationship before in which I did not see how badly I was treated/ that I basically searched someone like my mother. So I’d listen, perhaps to prevent from making the same mistake again. If it turns out it’s nothing reasonable I think I’d tell him that I will pursue the relationship anyway and ask him to respect that and be as nice as possible to my partner.
If it’d be my mother.. No surprise she doesn’t even like me and honestly I wouldn’t give a shit.
Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?Did I say it? Not sure but written it in a letter, it was Sam
False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?If my grades speak for themselves it’d be my apprenticeship, or like idk working hard about something I enjoy. I take this very seriously and give it everything I can. I’ve been told I’m good at talking, not sure if that’s true
Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?I’m envious. It’s not that far that I am not happy for people, I think i generally have it under control but sometimes it gets the best of me and fills my stomach with nasty emotions.
Also saying stop. I do a lot for people, and I’ve been prone to letting people use and step on me for too long xnot standing up for myself
Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?The past month was actually absolutely terrible so not much to find here.Uhm..the bad thing that happened got our family closerI spend Christmas and new years w my familyI got amazing gifts and letters from my friends
Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?Stressful. I worked on my semester project and I feel like hardly anything worked
Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?I’m moving towards a happy place. But I’m definitely doing a lot better already
Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?Finish my apprenticeship, surgery, be able to make my own money so I don’t have to rely on my dad so much (he does enough for me already) and so I can get more distance between my mother and I
Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?In no particular order
1. Dogs, god whenever I see a dog I’m happy because they are so cute and loyal,,,,,,,
2. probably everyone and their dog says this but my friends, honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without them. They helped me through terrible times in my life, are a constant source of love and joy to me.
3. my family. Since I didn’t have that for a long time I cherish it even more now that I do. It’s amazing to have a family that supports you behind you. I’m super grateful for everything they’ve done for me
4. the possibility to do the apprenticeship that I want to. it’s not always easy,,,I lack the money lmao but I’m so grateful that I can do this, because it makes me feel like I’m actually worth something in the working,adult world. I’m good at this
5. music. I listen to it so often, I can’t imagine not having music
6. sunshine, there’s something wonderful about going outside and feeling the warmth of the sun on your face, when it’s spring and winter has just gone by and you just have to smile because everything is bright and you’re surrounded by light
7. myself. Listen I dislike myself as much as the next guy but I’m working on appreciating myself and I am insanely proud of myself for coming as far as I have come. I don’t let myself feel it very often but having myself, it’s a good thing. I know my younger self would be very happy knowing that I did all those things for us.
8. something that makes me happy is creating, might it be art, or sewing or writing, anything really. It’s a pain in the ass and frustrating at times but I love looking at something knowing I did this, finishing it. And then looking back at it later and seeing how far I’ve come again
9. playing video games. It’s just fun to lose yourself in a story sometimes.
10. Christmas Markets. I don’t like Christmas itself. But I love the Markets, it’s the atmosphere of it. The food smells amazing and there are all those lights and there are kids with actual shining eyes because they see Christmas so magical and they are in awe by all the lights and honestly I feel the same awe sometimes when I’m on those Markets
Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  Hardly anything lmao. Listening to music. Distracting myself with either talking to someone or playing/watching something. Tho that often makes me feel guilty on the long run. What helps if stress is overwhelming me is writing down what it is that is stressing, like making a list and trying to untangle the mess, looking at what I have to do one by one
Hellebore: How do you show affection?Since I’m A  big fan of honesty I usually just say it. I like to tell people when I get some emotion. Like just telling them that I appreciate them. I think it’s nice to just be told that sometimes. Besides that I do things, like I’ll send anon messages or offer help just assisting somehow. Like not always outright having them know it’s me,like affection from afar. And well I’m helpful when I care abt someone especially, like “I can do this for you”
And being super openIt’s not alway clever as experience has shown but to me offering up things about myself means trust means affection in a way. Like giving a part of myself to someone. lmao
Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?Making it to this point, I wasn’t in a very good state just a bit ago. But with the help of my friends and family I made it out of it. I have an apprenticeship I enjoy, I have my own flat, I have something to stand up for again. I can appreciate myself some more. I was able to see toxic relationships i was in and get away from them and not let myself be guilted but seeing them for what they are and acknowledging that while I am not a saint it doesn’t mean that I have to accept any treatment. I stood up to my mother, even if just a bit that was a huge step for me.
Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?I barely had  any of it recently so I can very much put what I want to do. Which would be drawing. I haven’t done that properly in so long and I miss it. Like both sketching stuff on paper but mostly full pictures, sketching, lining and colouring somethin. Having a full art piece at the end. Also Play Games. And talk to my friends. Haven’t had a nice hour long convo with Nina or Charlotte or Sam in ages and I hate that.
Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?That’d be Charlotte and Nina
Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?I would hide away in my room and imagine. Invent stories, characters, anything to distract me from how unhappy I was. I would act them out in my head when I laid in bed so I could sleep.
Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?I did not treat someone that I care about very well a few years ago, I didn’t give them the honesty they deserve. I was an asshole. Even if we spoke about it, I still feel very bad about it.
Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?Indulging. When I have things to do but take a break I always feel super guilty for not doing anything.
Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?It seems it comes from the Roman name Julianus, and was the name of a pangan Roman Emperor as well as a name of saints. Sometimes meaning youthful which fits because I look like a baby
Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.I grew up in a big city in Germany. Very busy City with high buildings and no time. I lived in a flat when I was very young, a room with big windows where I’d sit and look out ot. Then we moved into the house my dad still lives in. Where houses were built in rows and more people knew each other, I’d walk home and pretend to not see them as to not have to speak to them.
Then I moved in a beautiful flat in a more busy part of the city, with a bookstore in the same building and a supermarket right down the street. My hometown is best described in the colour grey. I dont think it very pretty if I’m honest.Still its full of memories and not half as bad
Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?Talking about the one in the house. Light peach coloured walls. Small but with big windows to look out of. An old wooden bed in front of one Window, and even older Closet next to the door, already so old that it had been ancient when my dad had been young. A desk in one corner at the other side of the room, above it shelves filled with books, little trinkets on the windowsills. Cabinets filled with paper full of secrets. Posters on the Walls and a round mirror that I hated looking into when I was young.
Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  God no. I have repressed most of my younger years. My teenage years were filled with confusion and self doubt. I was a mess, I hated myself, not knowing who I was. And then knowing but being shamed for it, hiding away and keeping my head low to survive. Pushing myself to the limits and clinging to the thought that I could escape at age 18
Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.My Mother and I are not on good terms. I’ve spend countless of years desperately attempting to please her, hoping for love or anything close to it. I was constantly let down by her. My mother is someone that I fear I’ll never understand, adapting to the men that she is with. Claiming to have reached compassion and selflessness while being the opposite. Acts childish and has never accepted or supported me. Now attempts to lure in my sister whom I fear for as she’s always wanted my mother to love her. I have estranged from her very much and currently I am happy seeing her as less as possible.
Onions: Tell about your dad.  I remember my father as a very autocratic person in my youth. He’d always work and would only be home to cast judgement. We did not get along well, and my mother, like grima wormtongue, had influenced me further into seeing him as a terrible person. Now I see him very differently. In fact I am similar to my father. Hard working, well spoken and crafty. We share a similar humor and I am very thankful for his support over the last year. To me my father is a very good example of how sometimes people can actually change, sometimes second chances will not disappoint you. My father cares very much about our family and I am happy to have gotten close to him again.
Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.I won’t lose many words about my mother’s parents as there isn’t much to say about them.My mothers father was always sick, more often because he believed he was. The years before he died it had only gotten worse. My Grandmother was never really happy in that relationship, something I believe she handed down to my mother.
My fathers parentsWell, when I was young it was difficult, they aren’t exactly children people, despite trying. I especially had my difficulties with my grandmother, who was work above everything and wanted everything to be perfect.I remember her always fixing my clothing. Countless of instances of her and my dad arguing.
When I got older we had barely any contract until I had my coming out to my dad, who told my grandparents. Much to my surprise and I still respect that so much, they were immediately supportive and accepting, perhaps even more than anyone else from my family.
In the last year we grew closer. They helped me with my flat and would come over to set up a few things. I took them to a restaurant that my grandfather would always talk about whenever we talked, happily.
My grandmother and I had phone calls at least once a week, she was also the most interested in my apprenticeship, always curious, sending me old magazines and ideas she had. As well as button ups and shirts she had bought for me or old ones from my grandfather.She offered me support when we talked, told me they’d do anything they could
When my sister and I were getting clothing for my grandpa, as he was saying with us, I found a book on my grandmother’s bedside table.It was an educational oneIn it was also an article she had cut out of a newspaper, the title saying how the support of the family is the most important thing to lgbt children.
I miss my grandmother
Peony: What was your first job?I worked a summer at my mothers workplace. Cleaning watches and watch straps, replacing small things on the straps
Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?We met 2014 on a cosplay convention in the city I grew up in. We met on the first day of that, where we all hung out in a group and then he and Charlotte spend the next day w us as well.
Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?I bottle it up, focus on something that keeps me busy. Sometimes other people’s pain or doing things for them. Distraction from thoughts really. I’m best when I’m busy
Pink: Where is home?If you’d asked me a couple of months ago my answer would’ve been easy and quick. But now phew, I mean I call my place home as in “I’m going home” and I call my dads place home as in “I was home over the holidays”
But I’m not sure, not really
Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?I could go endlessly both about important historical events and tragedies as well as personal mishaps and bad choices. But eventually I actually think this is too big of a question to answer like this. I’m generally better in speech than word when it comes to things like that
Primrose: Describe your ideal life.Steady. As in a job that I like, that provides me with enough money to survive well. Not to worry about everything. Having Dogs, as that I something I always wanted. Living somewhere in the city (always dreamed of a Fachwerk House but yeah…), with the possibility to visit my friends that I am in good contact in. Living with love and happiness. With a connection to my family still as good as now. Perhaps with someone,,,
Rose: What’s your favorite sound?I love the sound of paper, like books, pages turning, things like that. Also soft rain
Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?I’m a Class A represser. So it’d probably be many things centered abt my mother.
Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  I want my semester presentation to go well tomorrow. That’s all I care abt rn
St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? It used to be harder in the past but I’ve gotten slightly better at it. I’m still struggling with feeling but it’s a work in progress.
Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?My Friends and Family, cheesy I know but over the last year I’ve become more set in that. Once more I noticed how much strength those can give you. And also noticed how important they are to me by the way things that happen hurt me
Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?7 hours, couldn’t fall asleep at first but that’s usually my minimum of sleep
Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?School. I have a timed, strict schedule thanks to that and it forces me to get up until a certain time in the morning. That helps a lot actually
Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?I’m still in an apprenticeship but I enjoy it a lot
Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?I have a new pair of shoes that are so beautiful I wish I had the look and body and style to wear them day to day. Also got some cool button ups
Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.Look at this and you’ll see first hand https://www.pinterest.de/Gayneral/
I’m sorry I’m bad at desctibing my aesthetic. It’s like, historical stuff, museums, snowey Fachwerk, religious themed things, bee themed things, watches…
Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?My semester project is due to two and a half weeks and I’m super nervous about finishing it like boooooy
Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?Sadly I’ve been super busy recently so I’ve only been able to read a tiny bit in my holidays, Acht Nacht by Sebastian Fitzek
Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?Still in school, doing good, and enjoying it
Still having a good relationship w my father, my sister and that whole family
Still good with my friends, hopefully seeing them more often
(maybe in a relationship pls don’t @ me)
Generally happy, not having to worry too much
Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?Thanks to tumblr I do, and I hate it
Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.I take my school very seriously. And I have zero tolerance for those in our school that don’t.
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Survey #156
“you’re such a perfect little human wreck, but i like you.”
Have you given anything up for Lent?  When I was Catholic, I mighta tried but never succeeded. Who was the last person you went shopping with?  Mom. Are you planning on dyeing your hair any time soon?  Yes.  I have a few ideas in mind. Who was the last person you saw that you haven’t seen in a while?  Hm, not sure. Do you sing in front of people or only when you’re alone?  Usually when I'm alone. When was the last time you left your cell phone somewhere?  No idea.  I rarely lose it. Do you prefer fake tanning or real tanning?  Neither.  I actually like being pale, and I also don't fancy skin cancer. Have you ever dated someone that was a different race than you?  Hispanic for less than a day (race had nothing to do with it). How old is your best friend?  23. What does your favorite necklace look like?  It's a black, spiked choker with some silver chains and crosses. Would you take a million dollars if it meant you had to die a month later?  No way. Are you a visual, audio, or kinesthetic learner?  Kinesthetic.  I have to do it with most subjects. Cover songs or the original song?  Depends. Have you ever been evacuated from a public building because of an emergency/fire?  I think for a bomb threat once? What is one responsibility you have that you hate?  Cleaning Roman's litterbox. Is there a TV show you used to love, but then lost interest in?  Not really. Do you ever worry about any potential damage you may be doing (knowingly or unknowingly) to your body?  Yeah. Have you ever been to a rave?  No. Have you ever been on public transportation that broke down or got stranded?  No. When’s the last time you did something you were really scared to do?  Recently when I had to call vocational rehab back. What’s an old video game you used to play that you really miss?  Shadow of the Colossus.  I lost the disc. :<  Haven't bothered buying it again 'cuz I wanna get a PS4 and the remaster anyway. If you have a case for your phone, what does it look like?  I don't have one. What are your feelings towards glitter?  Good shit. Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in real life?  No. Would you ever have a child just to get someone to fall in love with you?  Oh my god, fuck off. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly?  Yes, and all I'm saying is it was a cold medicine. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had?  Getting an infected cyst drained and having not nearly enough numbing.  I felt it, all right. Have you ever met someone in person that you met online?  Yes, Sara. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for?  Yes, on my liver. What color is your digital camera, if you have one?  Black. When was the last time you were sick and what illness did you have?  Idk.  I rarely get sick. What is the strangest food combination that you enjoyed as a young child?  Sandwiches with potato chips in it. Have you ever had to call the cops on someone else before?  No. Are you supposed to be doing something else?  Nah. If you were with your favorite person right now, what would you be doing?  I've been having horny spikes lately, and I've also just felt extremely attached to her recently (more than normal), so probably making out tbh if she was ready. Do you own a gun?  I legally can't due to mental illnesses and a suicidal past.  I wouldn't want one anyway. Do you know how to play chess?  No. What is something the world needs less and more of in your opinion?  Less violence, more love. How hard is it for you to open up to others?  Hard as fuck. Do you think before you act in serious situations?  I sure try, but I can easily slip up if I'm mad. Ever done something you knew was wrong and kept doing it anyway?  Yes. Are you religious?  I believe in a higher power, but I don't really *act* religious. Are you superstitious?  No. Have you ever experienced insomnia?  Yes.  I went through a juncture where it was pretty serious and I couldn't sleep without Melatonin. Are there any words that you just absolutely hate?  The derogatory words for gays and blacks. Do you have an accent?  Not really. Do you say “soda” or “pop”, or something else?  "Soda." Do you believe in reincarnation?  No. Do you have auto correct on your phone?  Yep. Do you know anyone who suffers from depression?  Too many people, myself included.  But mine's well-managed. When you lost your virginity, do you honestly feel like you were ready?  I didn't realize I'd lost it until the beginning of this year lmao.  Don't ask. How much older/younger than you was the person you lost your virginity to?  Two years older. When you were younger, did you plan on saving yourself for marriage?  Yeah, oops. Have you ever had sex with more than one person?  Like, have I had a threesome?  No. What country do you think produces the best musical artists?  Tied between the US and UK, probs. Which year was your favorite year of middle school?  7th. What amusement parks have you been to?  Disney World. What is a song that always makes you happy?  Something from my childhood, probably. Are your parents still married or divorced? For how many years?  They'd been officially divorced since like... 2014. What meal do you usually miss the most?  Breakfast or lunch. Do you have the same political views as your parents?  Some. Are you closer to your mom or dad’s family?  I don't really remember my dad's family, so I can't answer this.  Though I'd honestly probably like his more. Who in your phone has a heart after their name?  Sara. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? More like she ended up my girlfriend lmao. Do you have a favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is my weakness. Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?  Just Sara. Have you ever broken a couple up? Unintentionally.  We were talking too and he ended up wanting me instead.  Probably the thing I'm most ashamed of.  She was my best friend at the time. Are you one of those people who are always cold?  No, I'm usually hot. What are you listening to?  "Get Away With Murder" by Jeffree Star on repeat ahhhhh. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?  No. If you could make your lips bigger, would you?  I don't think so, I'd have to see a preview of something. What season is your favorite and what season do you feel represents you?  Autumn is my favorite, but I think spring would represent me. Would you rather learn more about space or more about the ocean?  Space. Do you have a mental illness? If yes, how have you learned to cope with it? If no, do you ever suspect you may have one?  I have a lot, but the only two I can't really cope with is anxiety and AvPD.  I've learned with all the others in various ways.  I'm also pretty convinced I have ADD. Do you have a favorite character from the Avengers?  Thor, probably.  Or Loki. Are you alive or just existing?  Alive, finally. What is your favorite type of cookie?  Chocolate chip. What is your favorite type of candy?  Probs strawberry sour punch straws, but if you count chocolate, the Reese's square bars. What do you think is creepy that society accepts as normal?  Stealing the last person's answer: Sexualization of young girls. What do you think is a good date other than dinner and a movie?  I'm up for anything, dude. What time do you wake up most mornings?  Like, 8-ish, typically. What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately?  My future. What do you get complimented on the most?  That I've lost weight. Do you believe in soul mates?  No. Would you move out your house if you could right now?  If it was to move out with Sara, yes. Are you biracial?  No. What kind of booze did you last take shots of?  Never done shots. What color of hair do you find the sexiest on the opposite gender?  Black. If the last person you had sex with asked you to date them, would you?  HAHAHAHA NOOOOOOPE. How long until your next birthday?  A bit less than five months. When you lost your virginity, were you sober?  Yeah. Do you think your best friend’s significant other is attractive?  He's all right.  He's not ugly. Do you own any books written by musicians?  Yeah, Ozzy's autobiography. What’s the chorus to the song that’s been stuck in your head? "I'm gonna break your heart and get away with murder.  You shoulda known from the start that it wouldn't last forever.   I can't control myself; I feel like someone else.  I'm gonna break your heart and get away with murder." Who was the last member of the opposite sex to give you a hug?  Dad. Are you going to make a New Year’s resolution?  No. What does the outfit you’re currently wearing look like?  Red plaid pj pants, black shirt that says, "We would save ourselves if we could. - The Animals." Are you accepting of criticism?  Depends on how harsh it is but also the subject.  I can eaaasily get hurt over it, admittedly.  It's an AvPD thing; I get embarrassed. Have you ever felt like you couldn’t fully trust a significant other? Yes, Tyler and Girt both.  Only because I'm very scared of men now. How many relationships have you been in?  I'll just count everyone who's had the title.  Six. How long did each of those relationships last?  Idk about the first.  Second, less than a day.  Third, three and a half years.  Fourth, like two weeks.  Fifth, I think four months.  My current one is eleven months in. Has anyone lost their virginity to you?  No. Would you raise your children the way your parents raised you?  No. How long was your longest friendship?  I don't know about years, but with Colleen since girl scout days.  Legitimate, talk all the time and hang out type of friendship, middle school. Do you like facial hair on guys or do you prefer the clean shaven look?  It depends on the guy. Who was your first celebrity crush?  Jesse McCartney. How long do you usually spend on the internet in a day?  All day. .-. Would you ever commit a crime if you know you wouldn’t get caught?  Well, I already have.  Downloading music is a crime. Are you good with kids?  No. Which was the worst phase in your life?  Late 2015 - very beginning of 2017. Is it easy to make you cry?  YEAH. Are you good at applying makeup?  Noooo. Do you like pastel colored hair?  I FUCKING.  WANT IT. Do you take your medications in the morning or at night?  Most in the morning, but my second dose of my OCD med and my birth control are at night. Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk?  I'll only eat it if made with milk. Do you like thrift stores? Yeah. Have you ever used a fake name at Starbucks?  I don't go to Starbucks. What are you passionate about?  A LOT!!!! Have you ever tried vlogging, and if yes, did you stick with it? No, I never could. What country do you most want to visit? South Africa to see wild meerkats.  For aesthetic/vacation reasons though, probably Scotland. Do you have a birthmark? If yes, what color is it?  Yeah, tan. Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? ANGEL KITTY. What were you voted in the senior class polls?  Nothing. Do you want to give your kids common names or unique names? I'm not having kids, but if I did, there's no way I'd give them a common one. Favorite Spice Girl? I don't remember the members. Favorite Cheetah Girl? ^ Backstreet Boys or *N Sync?  The boiz. What is your favorite tattoo that you’ve seen?  Those by Brando Chiesa.  Fuckin' aesthetic.  I'd die to have a tat by him. Do you knit or crochet?  No. What season do you want to get married in?  Autumn. Is your Pinterest cluttered? No. What is your favorite insect?  Butterflies. What bugs scare you?  Most, really. Who picked your name, your mom or your dad? Probably Mom.  I can't imagine Dad having much of an opinion unless it was awful. When was the last time you got a new phone?  Like... three years ago. Have you ever made your parents cry?  Mom, yes. Have you ever been cheated on or had a guy move on extremely fast after a long, seemingly sincere relationship?  I'm aware Jason was talking to a girl preeeetty soon after our breakup.  I'm sometimes suspicious if he was cheating or liking someone more than me and thus he lied about the reason for the breakup, but I'll give him enough credit to say I doubt that. Have you ever had someone tell you they wanted to be with you forever only to have them break up with you?  ^ :) Does your ex’s new romantic interest know about the things you two did together?  I don't know if Jason's taken now, but I don't see why he would share anything. Do you ever tell your current significant other about the things that you did with an ex-partner?  I'd only tell her in she asked.  It's not something I'm gonna just randomly talk about. Have you ever felt like your heart actually stopped?  The moment I realized Jason was leaving, it legitimately felt like everything stopped.  Can we stop with questions that bring him up? What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat?  Wild animal/venison. Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed?  NO. Have you ever had a “thumb war” with someone?  Yeah, has any kid not? What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed?  Johnny Got His Gun. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other?  Not absolutely hated, I think. Has a laptop ever burned your legs?  Yes.  I actually had marks for quite a while. Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?  Juan. Have you ever just screamed really loud in an attempt to feel better?  Once that I recall.
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violetbeachpod · 6 years
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TRANSCRIPT: Episode Five - Aftermath
AJ:
Um. Here’s what we know. Here is what we fucking know, y’all.
It’s AJ, by the way, I’m--I’m here. Right now. Here and--
Teresa’s still gone, like--not a text, not. Nothing. We’re, like, collectively doing her homework, but she has an exam coming up, so--We can’t disguise ourselves as her. So. That’s problematic. And that’s also the event of the week. The weird happening of the day. The mystery of the moment. Etcetera.
So. Here’s my intro, and I’m still trying to figure out why we need those, like--look, guys, we’re all friends, here. Or acquaintances. We’ve seen some shit together, I think, i.e. a person we know literally vanishing into an orb of light, so, uh. Yeah. I think we’re at least friend-adjacent, at this point. Still running the numbers on that one.
So, like, I don’t see the point in it. Cuz after T went missing, I doubt that Benji’s publishing these bad boys anywhere online. Cuz, uh. This ain’t Serial. I am not participating in any true crimes. Or fake crimes. Maybe imaginary crimes, or irrational crimes, or--I only have a B in Calc, I have no right to make half-assed and half-asleep number jokes, never mind that. It--it wasn’t even clever, it was just. Lazy. And bad. And I can do better. Whatever.
Do I--do I still have a B in Calc? I feel like I did okay on last week’s--lemme check, real fast, this’ll just take a sec--Angie, your password’s--ah, yeah, nevermind, I remember it. It’s AngieCowgirl72 Exclamation Point. I remember that. No need to talk.And I made you add the exclamation point. Because security, and you use the same--Yeah, I’ll shut up, whatever, I just--lemme check this grade real fast--
[beat, typing]
Ah, shit. Shit. It went down. Shit. My dad’s gonna kill me. Lemme--uh. I can email Paula later. Gotta--gotta handle the real life stuff first.
So. My point. That thing. It’s. It’s just, that-- Um. Shit. You guys already know who I am.
[beat]
But, like, in case I go missing, or whatever, because that’s a possibility now! I guess! So. Bio. Autobio? Do people--do people shorten it to autobio? Memoir? I--I never remember the difference between those two, I think this is a memoir. So. My name’s AJ Diggs, uh, Aaron Jacobi Diggs, but, like--AJ. It’s AJ. Just--just stick with the nickname. So, uh, I’m a student and a coffee-dude, I only listen to, like, witch house and lo-fi folk punk--because. Uh. No, Angie, I won’t check out your sophomore album Refuge now streaming on most sites for free, no guest stars on this show. We signed an agreement that you would not derail my show and tell.
Well, if we’re not calling it show and tell, what are we calling it, Angela?
My point is, I’m a self-acknowledged pretentious ass, but, like I’m hardcore. Regardless.
And we need hard facts that, that’s--, I’m seventeen, I’m, uh--from Moco, uh, Gaithersburg, specifically, originally, moved here when I was twelve ish, and, uh, started over, kinda.
That’s something people do when they move, right? I think so. Cuz. I did that. I was in a pretty negative zone, back there. Great city. Great people. Terrible, godawful tweens. Just mean tweens. And teens. And kids.
So, I transferred into Corielli, been there ever since, and, uh. I live on Nightingale and Seaview, and, uh, I’m an AB blood type. I don’t know my social security number, but you can just ask my manager, like, I think she memorizes everyone’s and commits fraud constantly. And if this leaks, Amanda? I don’t regret saying that. I don’t! I know you used my debit card to buy muffins when I left it in the breakroom, Amanda. I know. And they weren’t even for me, cuz they were walnut ones and I know that you know about my nut allergy. Amanda. You know about my nut allergy.
Anyway. I’m currently recording from, because they have a mic and I do not, Angie and Teresa’s dorm, within the bathroom of which Angie is currently pacing, not saying anything, which is exactly the opposite of what she usually does, so, uh, we know something bad’s happened regardless of previous context. Just to. Set the scene, kinda. Some good visuals, and what have you, we gotta keep this as cinematic as possible. Also, this room’s walls are gray and have, like, emo music posters everywhere, so--let’s erase that and pretend it’s yellow with paintings on it. Maybe some faded pink or bright red accents. And I’m in the center of the shot. And this mic is old-fashioned Yeah, you got it. Right there.
Just got a typo-filled text about how these posters are not of emo bands, and, Angie, it’s good to know that that’s your top priority right now? Just sayin’. We agreed no guest stars, too, so, uh, get out of my recording. Dude. No texting. You can keep--pacing, and, uh, writing in dry-erase on your mirror, but. Get out of my recording.
Mae Babson The New Transfer Student came into the shop with Charlotte yesterday. If you want an update on that plot point. I think they’re together? She texted me an emoji code that I haven’t cracked yet. So I think that something happened. Also, she knows my name, which--I have not introduced myself to her. She and I do not have any classes together. She shouldn’t know that. I’m a pretty--I’m a private person. I have a mysterious image to maintain. And then, at the store, she, like, whispered her order? And I already had Charlotte’s going, like, I was pulling those shots, already, and then, she whispers her order. And I can hear, just fine, it’s just--she then says these three word, she said, uh.
[SOUND CUE 1: ACCIDENT]
[SOUND CUE 2: CONSTANT]
[SOUND CUE 3: RETURN]
Weird, right? And I took--Charlotte and I did make a conspiracy board, eventually, with yarn colors that we stole from knitting club, because Natalie Simmons was gonna make us join, and she knows that I have Carpal Tunnel, so. Our only way to get free yarn was to steal, but. Regardless. I took those words, plus that weird interference that got into Benji’s recording, which, uh, sounded pretty similar, and I’m trying to parse meaning from it, even though Char says that Mae never said those things. Which, cool. Cool, cool, but--
Again, she was whispering. She ordered a caramel frap, and she got a refill on me. Because she really is nice, like--she and Char are cute together, I just--I also think that she may or may not be some kind of supernatural entity. I support her love, I maybe do not support her whole staticky-weird-words-with-no-context thing. Y’know? Like--there are better ways to be mysterious, even. And--look, playing the bad boy or girl or neither card is tough, I know this, but. Look, there are more routes than just leather jackets or being a ghoul, y’know? Like. Maybe get a motorcycle license. Oh, wait! Mae Babson already has a motorcycle license, so, like--you already have your bad girl status. C’mon! This isn’t Party City on October thirtieth, it’s a hippie school in February. C’mon.
So, uh, I can’t find meaning out of the words, other than, like, uh. We maybe weren’t supposed to see what we saw. But--if we saw it, and we weren’t supposed to, why wouldn’t anyone else? That’s--that’s the point of the board. See, uh, there aren’t many easily accessible histories of, like--weird shit in Violet Beach, specifically. And normal history books--we haven’t dived into them, which is to say that I have literally no interest in reading them, like--Benji’s probably read them. Or Teresa, who’s significantly cooler, which would be great, if she were here. Which she isn’t! Which is fine.
I’m fine. It’s super cool that one of the only reasonable people in this ragtag gang of misfits or whatever the fuck we are is suddenly gone. Super cool. Just the best, absolutely. Not to say y’all are bad, but. You’re not reasonable. Teresa’s got brains. You have the heart locked down, got the grit, and what have you, but she’s got the brains.
Also, I was gonna be able to get Benji off my case for one night because D and D night would distract him. It always does.
Also, hi Benji. I do not want to work for you. My current job pays more than minimum wage. The one you’re offering me doesn’t. And I kinda wanna car? So--uh. Yeah. Also, I don’t know anything about sci-fi. You know this. Everybody knows this.
Also, I kinda wanted to go to D and D night. See what that was about. Teresa’s good at that storytelling shit. Was good? I don’t wanna be too much of a pessimist, but, like.
C’mon, Angie, don’t look at me like that. I--I saw it happen, she just--poof. Like, she was there, and then--I showed you the video. You saw it, you have to think, however terrifying and shitty it might feel to think it, that she’s just--she’s just gone! You think I want it? You think?
[he sighs, tired. there’s a long beat, another sigh. he’s nervous, upset, but trying to remain steely.]
Shit.
She just ran out. I think she also has Improv tryouts, but she left--she left her bag.
Love it. Loving life and being alive and all that assorted fun stuff. She’s--she’s so sensitive. God. And, uh. I love that about her, she’s--she’s like an older sister to me, I’ve--she was the only person who would talk to me, my first day here, cuz I wasn’t talkin’ to anybody intentionally and she was the only person who cared enough to try. But--Whatever. Whatever. Angela Thompson is important to me, and. I don’t need to share my sob story. I’m not that guy. But she--
God, she’s not handling this well at all, and--nobody is, cuz--cuz Teresa’s cool, and she’s good, but--I think Ann thinks it’s her fault for not stopping Teresa. And also, like--there’s--
That’s not my story to tell, it’s theirs. They’d do it better anyway.Whatever. Their lives, not mine, stand in your truth, etcetera, thank you, self-help guide parents. Gotta get back on that mindfulness grind. Take those thoughts and accept them. Etcetera. Plug for How To Become Okay With Your Potential Insignificance by Dr. Phillip T. Diggs.
Also, these two disasters, here, Angie and Teresa? They threw away the chore wheel I made for them. Who does that? I spent two entire hours of hard labor on that. As a joke. I was committed to the bit, knowing their shared hatred of domesticity and construction paper. But they tossed it. How dare they. I’m their--
Friend? Brother? Child? Dad? Something corny like that.
I don’t--I’m not their dad. That’s--that doesn’t even make sense, with like--but is time travel real, maybe?--but. Yeah. Point standing. I’m not their dad. Obviously. That’s bad and not going on the conspiracy board But--still. Look.
Yeah, I’m worried. It’s just--y’all have said this, it doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t. I’m--
Ah, God. We--I need to go find Angie. Give her a hug, or--or whatever. She.
Needs it. And I owe her--
God, if--
I’m--I’m gonna turn off the mic, now. Uh. Everyone else has done a ‘bye,’ I think, so.
Bye. Keep your eyes out. Text me if you wanna be added to the conspiracy board doc. It’s very good, ten out of ten, would recommend. Five stars on Yelp. Can you give documents Yelp reviews? Doubt it. Anyway.
So.
Okay. I--I think that we got this. All of us. We got this.
Yeah.
Bye.
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🥀🥀||21% Of My Life Storyyx||Stay Alive||🥀🥀
🥀🥀Mental Physcotic Breakdown/Episode . This is one of my least explicit ones. Meet Tyler Alvaro x🥀🥀
😔😞W3lc0m3 T0 Th3 W0rld 0f I33y Magdalinoz-Martinez/Br0k3n R0z3z/Sara Pi3rce/Tyl3r Fiaskko-Alvaro. This is my life. 0r 21% 0f It. TRIGGER WARNING!!!
●21%0F.MY.LIFE UDATED VERSION: ... 🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,Asexual. I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &1MonthClean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I’m 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn’t tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me  (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I’m homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 13 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon’t wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesXI’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder,used to have anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety,  gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I’ve never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don’t stop.StayStronq.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions  in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez,   etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except  (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family),  Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs  when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀
-Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14 MY.STORY. xc
hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out. so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong...
●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! So here is my story. I’ve been thru hell all my life and I have attachment issues cuz of my past torture hell and trauma . I usually have an estimate of 5,6,7 breakdowns a day. I’m used to everything that it’s sickening. I’ve always acted out dangerously and unsafely. Later on after my ex girlfriend Kimberly died I realized that she was the one that framed me for giving my illegally adopted son Anthony drugs and after the car accident , I saw Kim laughing and pointing at Me and later  on before she hung herself... she said Anthony was never mine he was hers , and I would never be a mother, and that’s why my mom always was a bitch to me. My mom NEVER would kick me out, or so I thought, after I came home from Foster Care she acted strange , not as bad as before. And she kicked me out then took me back in then kicked me out and so on and so forth. I was in LA getting fucked up and on one occasion 2 guys got me really drunk and I woke up In the bathroom and my pants were down and I was on my cycle and everyone saw, I went to the ER, and they said I got raped (again) in the period of my 12th time being homeless. I got raped over 20 times . I almost got killed multiple times, on one occasion I was walking and a van pulled up to the curb and they pointed a gun towards me and told me to get in, I did and they raped me in the back seat and they force fed me, gave me some meth and pointed the gun towards my head the whole way towards there house... they were master bating and would shove there dirty hands down my throat they forced me to have oral. When we got to there house they had a knife up to my throat and I screamed and then the rest was a blackout and I ended up on some strangers lawn . I go to Journey Tay in Spruce street in Corona, I constantly go to CSU and I have a physciatrist and a therapist, but I’m closed off and very touchy with everyone cus my social anxiety trust issues and past trauma. I know I’m broken damaged and helpless but I have a strong faith in God!!!! Anyways on 12/25/2018.. there was this boy approached me during Christmas Eve, and he acted completely fine and normal and caring and sweet and kind hearted and usually I can tell when somethings off. He led me into his trap, I gave him a kiss, and we laughed and. Hung out and we were texting over FaceBook messenger, he constantly asked where I lived and I started to connect with him. On Christmas Day after we opened Christmas gifts we went to Starbucks and he texted me and told me he was at Starbucks, I noticed him getting weird, he didn’t look good at all.. he kept telling me about getting liquor , I mentioned it first , but I changed my mind and he wouldn’t stop . We went to a Walmart where there was nobody there cus Of Christmas. We hung out . We were heading out and he spotted a soda machine, he asked me for a dollar and he put it in the soda machine and I asked where’s mine, he said he had a dollar and I was putting mine back in my purse, I was recording with my iPod touch , and in a split of a second he grabbed my I touch and my wallet with over 400 dollars in it. pushed me and ran, it scared me cus it was out of nowhere. And I gave him my all. And I was hurt. And I still can’t believe it’s true , that all of that was an act, I thought it was for my movie cus we were making a movie , I got up and nobody cared, some people laughed, and I called the cops, not even the security or the costumers care, nobody cares. The cops showed up and she asked me questions, and I’m going to court and there doing an investigation . After that my PTSD got 20 times worse and I started acting out having more episodes and I felt alone. I had another physcotic break . I’ve been to court many times for many reasons : I spend most my holidays away, I spent mine at CSU, and I got worse, I started smoking hookah and I started cutting and popping my meds again, trying to overdose once again . And my behaviors and mental state of mind and insanity and physcotic episodes got worse. They still are. And I know I have support. I’m here for you all , stay strong. May God Be With You!!!!!
●Angelique/Ezxekyal "Izzy" Magdalinoz-Martinez /Sara Nicole Pierce /Br0k3n R0z3z /Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro
●MY INFO: ||WATTPAD (WHERE I'M WORKING ON WRITING MY LIFE STORY) Ms_SweetInsanityyx ||MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL: TwistedMetal411 ||MY INSTAGRAM: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez😔😔
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jwiminie-blog · 7 years
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Mask Off  [M]
Summary: Having a dark past that he can’t forget, it makes him what he is today. A young man who never takes his mask off, often wears black clothes with a Timberland, fights for money; he sure is the topic of the neighbourhood’s gossip.
One night, he found out that the friend whom his housemate was going to bring to live for awhile was his childhood crush. He doesn’t know how to confront him after 8 years. 
  Maybe in their book of life, it was written that their fate was going to sealed sooner.
Genre: street fight, boxing, angst, smut (soon), fighter!au, 
Warning(s): lots of swearing :3
Words: too long to count
a/n: everything in here is pure fictional. don’t tell me that i got their ages wrong. its goddamn fiction aite. plus, why not make jungkook the older one since he’s more matured looking than jimin. (both of them are. ps; i still love their baby faces okok). anyways, its my first time writing a fic so bear with me. enjoy! :)
     “Next station, Itaewon.” the woman’s voice repeated the sentence twice. Jimin stood up from his seat, taking his belongings and walk towards the door. Before the door opens, he made sure that everything is on his hands. “Luggage? Check. Backpack? Check. Hat? Hehe up here.” he murmured to himself while pointing his index finger towards his hat. The door finally opened. He got out easily since its already night and there’s practically no one taking the subway. 
~---~
      He took a deep breath before he sent his last punch to the guy. “And the winner is... Black-eyed Busan!” the guy shouted on the microphone. He raised his right hand up to show to people who the winner is. The one that has been winning every time he fights. He pulled back his hand and walked towards his opponent. He crouched down and whispered, “Fucking touch my baby again and your life is on the line.” He pat the guy’s head and walked away. The guy of course had this terrified face because he had been warned. When someone got a warning from him, you automatically know that you fucked up. 
     He took his belongings before he left the ring. Tonight he felt a bit different. He sensed something chilly and comforting about tonight. He shrugged it off and continues to walk home. His home from the ring is quite far. It takes about 30 minutes of walk. He usually rides his motorcycle to go to the ring, but that shit now is being repaired. He knew who fucked up his precious. So he let out his resentment towards his tonight’s opponent. The guy who fucked his baby up. And everything worked out just perfect. 
~---~
      Jimin arrived in front of the dunkin donuts. He was asked to wait there as his friend was going to come and bring him to his place. He stood in front of the shop with his hands in his jacket, curled up into a fist as he watches people walking. Jimin wondered what his friend’s place looks like. Is it going to be small like his house at Busan? Or is it going to be as big as the rich people here? Or just a house that fits for both of them and feels like actual home? 
      A few minutes passed by and his friend is still not here. He went into the dunkin donuts and bought a cup of coffee. He set all his things before he could sit down. He texted Yugyeom, his friend who’s going to help him, when will he arrive. Then he texted his mom that he had arrived here and everything. A notification came.
Yugyeomie
-b there in 15. constipation :/
        Jimin sighed. He looked around the shop before he took out his wallet and grab a photo. It was him and a boy on May 2009. The boy was 2 years older than him. He still remember his name. Jeon Jungkook. JJK&PJM was written at the back of the photo. He often reminisce their moments together as they don’t have much photos together back then. He can still feel his hand around his neck as they walk to the playground. He can still hear his voice in his head, shouting at the kids who would bother Jimin. 
      During that time and older, homosexuals aren’t accepted by society and people who committed the ‘crime’ would get a death punishment. Back then, everyone is so shallow minded. So the people who were gay would just do it behind the curtains. And Jimin happens to be bisexual. More like towards the balls but that is out of the topic. The thing was, only Jungkook knew about his sexuality that time. He wouldn’t dare tell this to his classmates or even his parents. But for some reason, everyone in the school knew about it. Everyday when he goes to school, he would get picked on by the students. Even some seniors would call him “faggot” in the hallway during the bell ring. But the thing that mostly got to him was, Jungkook’s friends knew about it first. Because without their big mouths, the ‘rumor’ about him being gay wouldn’t spread out to the whole school. 
       For the very first time since they have known each other, Jimin walked back home alone. He usually have Jungkook by his side to protect him. But today, he just ignored him. He’d ignored Jungkook when he calls him. He’d ignored Jungkook when he comes by Jimin’s locker. Jimin tried his best to ignore his best friend, his crush. Jimin walks with his head down. He doesn’t want to see anybody from school or just, anyone. He keeps walking until he heard Jungkook calling his name. “Jimin!” Jungkook shouted. “Wait up.” Jimin walks faster than his usual pace. 
      Jungkook regretted everything. When his friend, Taekyung was joking about Jimin liking him, Jungkook accidently spit out, “You’re not his type. He only like big dicks.” Which was true, because when he asked Jimin what does he want in a guy, Jimin said he wanted them big.Taekyung laughed, “That friend of yours is a faggot? Fucking knew it.” 
     “Why would you assume someone’s sexuality?!” Jungkook hissed..
     “No fucking straight people cares about a guy’s dick. Especially the size.” the male fired back. 
     “Shut the fuck up bro if you don’t know any shit.” he spat. 
      “So its true then. He’s officially gay. This is awesome.” Taekyung laughed again. He lit up a cigarette and put it on his mouth.
      Jungkook put his head on his palms and slowly massage it. “Stupid. You’re so fucking stupid J.” he thought.
+
      Jimin wanted to cry in his arms so bad. He just wanted to run to Jungkook and cry on his chest and let Jungkook tell him that he’ll always be there for him. He can’t let his heart control him now. Not when something like this happened. 
      Jungkook can’t take the silence anymore so he ran to Jimin. Jimin was still walking fastly. Jimin felt a hand wrapped around his waist and pulled him towards the person’s chest. He immediately knew that it was Jungkook by his hands and smell. He smells like home. Jimin struggled in his arms. 
      “Let me go.” Jimin hissed. 
      It’s Jungkook’s turn now to ignore him. Even when Jimin was struggling hard in his arm, he still doesn’t let him go and kept his mouth shut. He dragged Jimin all the way to his house until they reach at the front door. Today seems quiet. He pushed Jimin to the wall next to his door harshly. 
      “W-what are y-you doing?” JImin stuttered. Jungkook started to lean in. He put his forehead against Jimin’s. 
      “I’m sorry for fucking everything that happened to you at school. I could’ve beaten those fuckers but you won’t allowed me. I’m really sorry.” he murmured.
      “It’s okay. I’ve used to people say things to me.” he whispered. 
      “No it’s fucking not. You shouldn’t get used to it. Nobody should get used to it. Especially you.” Jungkook kissed Jimin’s forehead before he went to unlock the door. 
      Jimin involuntarily smiled at the memory. One thing that he’d always like about Jungkook is that he doesn’t care about people other than his family and close friends; like Jimin. Plus, Jimin had always envy Jungkook since the first day. Every time they walk together, he’d always had heads turned towards him. Girls, boys, teachers you name it. So when Jimin was beside him, he felt like an ant because he’s small and everyone’s attention is on Jungkook.
      He still couldn’t believe that Jungkook had left him during his sophomore year. He’s still sad at the fact that Jungkook didn’t make any effort to contact him. Not even once. JImin was the one who’d always trying. 
     “Why did he left?” Jimin sobbed. He had been crying for hours because of the news.
      Rumors had it that Jungkook left the town for ‘good’. And oh the rumors were true. Jimin know nothing about it. Jungkook didn’t tell him anything about leaving the town. He felt betrayed. Jungkook left Jimin a letter but that wasn’t enough. Jimin needed a solid explanation as to why he fucking left him alone unprotected. Knowing that the kids are going to pick on him more frequently now that he’s gone. 
     “I hate him.” he hissed. “I HATE YOU JEON JUNGKOOK.”
May 15 2010
I chose this because of personal matters. You know how my dad is. He can’t accept the fact that his son have a liking for dicks. He almost killed me with a butcher knife. Plus, it’ll ruin my reputation in school. Had to keep it cool yknow. I really don’t want to leave you but i have to. Please, please, please punch someone once in your life for bothering you. I can’t do that for you now. My punch can’t reach until Busan. Take care. I’ll always miss you and keep you in my heart. 
ps: i love u 
pss: more than u know 
      “Such a stupid letter,” Jimin grunted. He wanted to crunch up the letter but he couldn’t. Instead, he folded it neatly and hold it to his chest. He just let the tears fall down while muttering how much he hates and loves Jungkook. 
     knock
     Jimin looked up from the photo. Yugyeom was sitting in front of him with his coffee at his mouth. 
     “Are you done fucking the photo or you just wanna continue until it comes alive?” Yugyeom snapped.
     “You were late.” Jimin replied. “I had to get in here cause its cold outside.”
     “Blame my digestive system. Let’s go!” he exclaimed, already stood up with Jimin’s backpack. Jimin just sighed and followed him out of the shop.
~---~
      He opened the door and flew to the couch. He couldn’t believe that he had just walked from the ring to his house. If his precious weren’t at the workshop, he would’ve arrived home about 15 minutes. 
      “J you here?” his housemate, Jackson, asked from the kitchen. 
      “Yes.” he shouted back. 
      He laid on the couch for a few minutes before he sit straight up. He took off his jacket and mask. He pondered of what he’s going to do next because he had no clue at all. Usually after the fight he would go to a bar and drink with the money that he’d won. It’s just that tonight he really felt something was going to happen. He leaned in the couch and took out a cigarette. 
      He flicked the lighter a few times before he blow some smoke. He suddenly remembered something. His right hand went to his back pocket to take out his wallet. He flipped through his money until he found this particular photo. It was a photo of him and a boy. His best friend. His childhood crush. 
     “I miss you.” he kissed the photo. 
     “Don’t tell me you’ve given up on human until you wanna fuck the photograph.” Jackson snickered.
     “Imma fuck you up if you don’t shut your big mouth,” he snapped.
     “Calm your tits man. Why are you here so early?” the male replied.
     “I don’t feel like drinking tonight.” he blew some smoke to the air before he put the photo back into his wallet. 
     “Am i hearing this right?” Jackson cupped his ears to ridicule him. “Unbelievable! You finally have some senses in you.”
     “I swear to God you’re gonna lose a head if you keep doing this.” he fumed.
     Jackson just laughed. He knew his friend didn’t mean it but he still needs to keep an eye on his words so it doesn’t anger him more. 
      “You know my friend,” Jackson stated. “You need to call him. At least send him a damn postcard. You disappeared just like that from his life you know.”
      “You know I can’t.” he replied; calmly this time. “He will get attached to me more if I send him one.”
      “Dumbass if he’s like that, that means he misses you,” the male snapped. “You’re a fucking idiot sometimes. Go take a walk. I’m done with you for today.” Jackson went to his room and slammed the door. 
      “Fuck you asshat,” he yelled. “Fucking hell that bitch.” he flickered his cigarette onto the ashtray. He took his phone and wallet and put his jacket on. He took a new black mask and wore it. He’s out again. 
~---~
      Yugyeom punched the house code. He stepped in with Jimin following behind him. He dragged his luggage along with him. He stopped after a few steps. He looked around to observe the condition of the house. The house was modernised. Jimin knew it because he saw the korean rooftop on the other part of the house. The house was in C-shape and the middle one was the living room. He could see the television from outside as the sliding door is not closed. 
      “Home sweet home,” Yugyeom entered the house. He put down Jimin’s backpack and walk to the kitchen.
     Jimin noticed there’s various types of shoes on the step. Timberland, army boots, sneakers and some flip flops. They had a big ass cabinet shoes outside yet they can’t put it back. It’s totally messy with shoes everywhere. Jimin really wanted to put it back into the cabinet but he’s afraid that whoever Yugyeom lives with can’t find their shoes.
    “Alex?” someone shouted.
    “Kitchen!” Yugyeom shouted back. Jimin widen his eyes.
    “Alex?” Jimin muttered while tilting his side; confused as to why the guy just called his friend a different name. 
    Jimin heard a door knob turned. He’s not ready to meet Yugyeom’s housemates yet. Jimin and Yugyeom met when their parents met each other at Jeju. They became quite close to each other since then. Often asking how the day was, what happened and so on. Yugyeom was the so called good boy. He became aggressive after he moved away. He even joined a fight club which benefits him money. If Yugyeom already swears like that, imagine the words that’s going to come out of his housemates. 
    “Is this your friend?” a chocolate haired guy asked. He was wearing a black long sleeve shirt with basketball shorts. He looked a bit shorter than Yugyeom but he still towers over Jimin by a few centimetres. 
    “Jimin. Jackson. Jackson Jimin.” Yugyeom introduced his housemate lazily. Yugyeom sat on the couch after he got his drink.
    “Hello,” Jimin squeaked. Jimin bowed down a little to show some respect. “Quite intimidating,” he thought.
    “Why are you bowing lol c’mere,” Jackson suddenly pulled Jimin into an embrace. Jimin stayed still like a stick; not sure what to do.
    “Let him go,” Yugyeom or Alex pulled Jimin out of Jackson’s arm. “You know he’s whose right.”
    “Oh,” Jackson said while dragging the ‘O’. “J’s?”
    “Thanks for having a brain.” Yugyeom dragged Jimin out of the living room; leaving Jackson alone. 
    “Bitch,” Jackson muttered while glaring at Alex’s back. 
    Yugyeom brought Jimin to his room which means that they’re going to share a room together. It was located at the left side of the house near the toilet. He silently thanked God that he doesn’t need to walk far just to piss. 
    “Your room seems nice.” Jimin complimented. Seriously, it’s even better than he’d expected. He thought Yugyeom would have this messy adult room but boy did his room was shining like a diamond. His single bed which looks like it can fit 2 people was situated by the window. Even the window had this black hobbled roman shades curtain. When you enter the room, you can immediately see the bed in front of it. At the left side of the room was his clothes. He doesn’t have a closet so he put all his clothes on the black clothes rack. However on the right side, it’s a bit messy. Beside his bed was this small table and a big squared mirror at the back of the table. All of his earrings, some chokers, watches and colognes were placed there. Then Yugyeom had this bunch of black backpacks beside it as well but were not arranged properly. Not to mention the bar hanging at the entrance. 
     “No wonder he’s tall,” Jimin wondered. 
     “So... how was it?” Yugyeom asked hopefully. “I cleaned everything just for you to feel comfortable.” 
     “Wonderful. Too enough for me,” Jimin beamed. He laid down his luggage and zip it open. He took out a toffee and unwrap it. 
     Yugyeom was laying on his bed while playing phone. Jimin took his chance to admire his room more. His eyes were wandering around until it reaches the table. He looked at the table and saw a frame. It was a picture of Yugyeom, Jackson and another guy who was wearing a black mask at a ring. He tilted his head in wonder. Before he was dragged by Yugyeom, he caught a glimpse of a black mask on the television table. 
    “Hey Yugyeom,” Jimin called. Yugyeom hummed.
    “Who’s the guy in the middle in this photo?” Jimin took the frame and showed it to Yugyeom. 
    Yugyeom looked away from his phone to look at the picture. He tried his fucking hardest not to show any shock reaction as Jimin asked who the guy is. He didn’t want his friend to hurt all over again. He knew what happened because Jimin told him literally everything about J. After Yugyeom decided to take a boxing class 3 years ago, J was there as a trainer already. Time passed by, they became friends. Then came Jackson out of the blue. They all decided to rent a house together. And here they are. J didn’t know that Yugyeom had befriended Jimin. All he knew was Yugyeom was going to bring his friend to stay together for awhile until he found a place to himself. 
    “Another housemate. He’s not here.” Yugyeom answered; his attention went back to his phone. 
    “Oh,” Jimin mumbled. He put back the frame where it belongs. 
~---~
    He took off his shoes before entering the house. It’s 10pm and the house was awfully quiet. Usually during this time, Jackson would be in the living room with Yugyeom’s head laying on his lap; watching the television together. Now he’s wondering have Yugyeom’s friend arrived yet? Where is he sleeping? He went to Jackson’s room. He busted in without knocking only to find Jackson was sleeping; alone. He sighed before he closed the door carefully. 
    He looked around the living room. The television was off. The lights were off. The only source of light left was the kitchen. Then he remembered Yugyeom. He walked to his room and before he got the chance to twist the knob, Yugyeom shouted, “Don’t come in.”
   “Why?” he shouted. 
   “Um- we’re naked!” Yugyeom answered. 
   “what the fuck,” he mumbled. He walked away from the room. He went into his room instead. He took off everything that was on his body and got into bed. He was wondering how Yugyeom’s friend looked like. How is he. How old is he. He shook his head from the thought and closed his eyes. Hoping that he could finally get enough rest. 
+
   The sound of the alarm rang through his room. He jolted up from his sweet dream. He picked up his phone and clicked the “Stop” button to stop the alarm. He yawned and rubbed his hand all over his face so that he can fully focus what’s going on. He looked at the time. 8:15AM. For the first time ever since high school he had woken up this early. It’s always at the afternoon or evening then he’ll go to the ring to practice then fight. That has been his daily routine for 5 years. 
   He stood up and brought his towel with him to the living room. When he was already at the kitchen’s door, he saw Yugyeom and Jackson eating a breakfast. He tilted his head. He looked around the kitchen and saw that everything was neatly arranged. It’s just a few days ago there was empty bottles and half full of beer and alcohol on the counter. Now the bottles are gone. The table that was full of finished bag of chips were now cleared. All that was left was a jug of water and a few glasses on a tray. 
  “What the fuck happened?” he exclaimed. Yugyeom and Jackson looked up from their phone and cereal. “They even had fucking cereal in morning dammit.” he thought. 
  “Morning to you too,” Jackson replied with his mouth full of cereal. 
  “Where did you guys get a cereal? And why the fuck this kitchen looks clean?” he asked; obviously confused.
  “My friend woke up early just to do what y’all lazy people can’t do,” Yugyeom sneered. 
  “That makes you lazy as well bitch,” Jackson snapped. 
  “Fuck off I can do this too if i had the energy to do so,” the male hissed at Jackson. 
  “That just meant you’re lazy,” he deadpanned. 
  “Whatever.” Yugyeom rolled his eyes.
  “By the way,” he added; pulling out a chair to sit beside Yugyeom, “when can I meet this friend of yours? Where is he?”
  Yugyeom choked on his cereal. He pat Yugyeom’s back while Yugyeom was drinking a glass of milk to calm himself down. 
  “He’s already out. He said he’ll be back late night because he wanted to find a job and walk around,” Yugyeom replied nervously.
  Jackson kicked Yugyeom’s feet underneath the table. The male looked up to him and he gave this “don’t fuck things up” look. Yugyeom slightly nodded and continues to eat.
  He looked at Yugyeom and Jackson then raised an eyebrow. They’re hiding something. 
 “Fuck you guys,” he mumbled. He got up from his chair and went to the toilet to take a shower.
~---~ (Yugyeom’s POV)
  I sighed in relief. I looked up to Jackson just to see that he’s already staring at me like I should’ve not born into this world. 
  “I know I know,” I said. 
  “I swear to God you almost lost your mind back there,” Jackson snapped. 
  I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t that serious. At any time they could’ve met each other. It’s just a matter of time. 
  This morning, Jimin woke me up at around 6:45AM. I was going to throw a fit but then he said, “I prepared a breakfast.” I’ve never felt so happy before. It’s been so long since I’ve had a breakfast and the last time was when I was still living with my parents. Even though it’s just typical cereal and milk, it still sufficed my hungry stomach. 
  When I entered the kitchen to eat, everything was already cleaned. Table, countertops, dishes. It’s like I’m entering someone’s house. Not ours. 
  “I woke up at 5. Didn’t know what to do so I clean things. Now it looks better right?” Jimin beamed; taking a seat beside me.
  I just nodded; too shocked to speak. Moments later, Jackson came. His hair was straight up looking like a bee hive. He rubbed his face to see things clearly. When he was done, he also had this surprised look on his face. He looked at me first but I shook my head; indicates that I’m not the one who did all of those. Then he looked at Jimin, Jimin quickly wished him a good morning. 
  Jackson took a seat in front of me and took a bowl. He started to fill up his bowl with cereals. 
  “You’re too good for this world,” Jackson stated. I nodded; agreed with Jackson’s statement. I don’t know how long Jimin could keep up if he lives in this house. Our nasty world doesn’t mix well with his innocent one.
  Jimin just smiled. We talked for awhile until Jimin stood up. 
  “I’m going to take a shower. Need to find a job.” Jimin exclaimed.
  “Its only...,” Jackson squinted his eyes to see the time on the clock, “7:20. Isn’t it too early?”
  “I could do some walking to fit in. Need to get familiar with the place though.” Jimin remarked. He went to our room to take his stuffs.
   “He really is something else,” Jackson stuffed his mouth with cereals.
   “Yeah,” I looked at the door of my room. “He is.”
a/n: im tired. it took me literally a week to finish this part only (i happened to procrastinate alot). my laptop had probs so theres some work that i didnt get to save and i had to redo the same thing over and over again. i’m sorry if its too long for yall likings. this is only an appetizer. we havent get to the main dish yet ;)
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dazedclarity · 7 years
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the world is yours and you can’t refuse it
In which Damian wants to be an adult, accidentally stumbles into friendship with some dumb ten-year-old half-alien kid, and maybe finds appreciation for the kid still in him too. 
Friendship fluff 
Damian Wayne is not a kid.
He lets Grayson call him “kiddo,” sure. And much to his dismay, there have been times when he, Pennyworth, or Father carried him to his bedroom after he dozed off somewhere else in the Wayne Manor. And he lost his last ba–deciduous tooth more recently than he liked. But that doesn’t make him a kid.
Damian’s earliest memories are being pushed to climb mountains, taught how to fling swords into an opponent’s gut, and told, time and time again, of the legacy he will fulfill. Visceral violence and blood. There was never a time for childhood. At least not one in the traditional sense that everyone else seems to describe.
Besides, he’s thirteen. Surely that adolescent age is finally old enough to be considered on his way to adulthood, his lack of growth spurt and still-high-pitched voice be damned.
Jon Kent, the half-alien, on the other hand? Is perhaps the biggest kid he’s ever known.
He didn’t want to be friends with him. He didn’t. With his unrefined, feline-endangering powers and his processed snack bars and his completely absurd notion that his temporary (that growth spurt is coming!) taller stature gives him anything resembling superiority. He was annoying and he was overenthusiastic and he was ten. That’s like, a whole three years younger than Damian.
It was Kent, really, who started calling him at random. And Damian reasoned that it was more fun talking to him than breaking bones alone. It was just a force of habit, really, that lead him to feeling a little lonely when Kent didn’t call for a while.
It was quaint how deeply he wanted that video game. He should have understood by the age of ten that flashy, colorful distractions are detrimental to practical abilities. But as he scrolled through the company website and saw Youtube videos of the gameplay demos, he supposed he could see some tactical training nestled within the silly sounds and bastardization of real-world physics. And he guessed that he could see why someone as childish as Kent would want to play. So he told Father that he wanted it, but made sure to insist that he buy it himself–he didn’t need his father sneaking any hints to the alien. He still considered it rather silly, though.
But that didn’t stop the pride he felt when Kent’s eyes lit up at the sight of the gift that he’d pulled out from right under his father’s nose, as much as he tried to force it down. Or the heat in his cheeks when Kent launched at him into a hug.
Or the slight thrill he did get at maneuvering those candy-colored monkeys across the screen. 
“Ha! Got you!”
“No fair! That’s cheating!”
“It’s not cheating if it’s built into the game!”
“HA! Got you!”
“What? Argh…”
Ok, it was more than a thrill. It was different. It was…fun. And for a moment, surrounded by warm Christmas colors and their last score flashing on the screen, Damian didn’t feel like Robin or the Son of Bruce Wayne or anything. He wasn’t sure what he felt like, but a part of him liked it. Another part of him liked the way Kent was smiling and laughing (because of him!). In a quiet moment, he decided that maybe he could try this friendship thing out after all.
In what seemed like no time at all, Jon dozed off on his shoulder and his father was tapping him on his other to tell them that they had to go. Damian may have pouted—though he preferred the term sulked—just a bit as he pulled his coat on. Just a little.
Yes, after that day Damian started calling him. Mostly just to check on his progress as Superboy; it really should be going along faster. He had powers, after all, he could be dangerous to those around him. Of course, on occasion, he’d call on long nights when father was gone and Pennyworth was cleaning their large, ghostly quiet mansion. There was something about Jon’s rambling, even when it wasn’t about superheroing as much as trivial topics like farms and cleaning his room and homework, that made the hours past faster and his own bedroom seem a little less empty. That’s when he got to thinking, really, he never went to a normal school. He never rode a garishly yellow bus to sit at an uncomfortable desk to drone out simple equations or read short books. He never swung around low plastic bars on a playground.
He was certainly beyond such things. But he was curious all the same.
He didn’t experience them from a kid’s point of view, of course. But he did get to spy on Jon from inside a rubber mask while he did. Before he spied on his cute little family game nights straight out of a sappy sitcom and his wholly undignified 9:00 bedtime.
Damian wasn’t a kid. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t a little fascinated by what it was like to be one. At least, until it was time to whip Superboy into shape.
One night, when they were laying out under the stars covered in mud and and twigs violently snagged throughout their costumes, Superboy spoke up like something had long been bugging him.
“You said my name is Superboy instead of Jon.”
“It is. As is Robin for me. If we are to reach our true potential, we must commit to those aliases.”
Jon was quiet for a moment. Damian hoped that it meant that he got it. Until he spoke.
“Dad said that staying connected to your civilian identity is really important. I asked him once. He’s Clark Kent first, he said. It keeps him grounded and reminds him what’s really important.”
This time Damian was quiet. “Maybe it is different for you aliens. But my father puts on the mask when he goes out as Bruce Wayne. Anyone who really knows him can tell you that. Anyway, your father should be pushing you harder instead of coddling you.” He didn’t have to look to see Superboy’s face scrunch up in annoyance.
“He doesn’t coddle me!” he argued, crossing his skinny (but destructively strong all the same) arms, “and you act like I don’t have enough training to be in the field!”
“You don’t.” Damian grinned cooly at him, watching his face redden even in the darkness. “Shameful, really. That’s why I brought you out here. You don’t have time to be a schoolboy.” Damian ignored, for the time being, that he was out here too because his own father wanted him to be a schoolboy rather than work–perhaps that alien had gotten to him, god forbid.
Jon only humphed and turned away. Until,
“Your dad worries that you, like, never take off the Robin suit.”
“How the hell do you know?”
“I heard him say it to my dad at Christmas. Maybe my super hearing might have come in a little, I guess, I dunno.”
Damian gritted his teeth in annoyance. “He’s the one to talk.”
Another moment of quiet. “Doesn’t it all get to you too?”
Damian tutted. “Why would it?”
“Isn’t that why you call me all the time? And why you just broke into my bedroom?” Jon chuckled, and it made Damian’s fist clench.
“I’m trying to make you fulfill your legacies as Superb–”
“Dad says I’m doing just fine! Why else would you follow me around!?” Damian’s blood boiled. How dare he insinuate that Damian is following him like a puppy begging for attention? That’s the last time Damian tries to guide a snot-nosed little brat like him.
“Shuddup,” he snapped. Jon’s smile fell before Damian firmly rolled to the side, facing away from him.
Crickets chirped for several moments more.
“Hey Damian?”
“What?” he sighed.
“When we’re all done with this, like when we get back home, do you wanna stay over? I haven’t had someone to play Monk E Monsters with in a while. Kathy doesn’t like it.”
“What, like a sleepover?” Damian said mockingly. He’d never really had one, but he’d become familiar through pop-cultural osmosis. The word brought imagery of silly sleeping bags on floors, confectionery being consumed at a disgusting rate, and pointless games being played into the night.  
“Yeah!” Nothing about Jon’s tone was ironic. It was cheerful, and hopeful. It caught him a little off guard.
“Sure, whatever.” With a moment’s thought, Damian added, “If Father allows it. I do have a very tight schedule as Robin, you know.” Just to appease the kid, he told himself. After all, Jon did smile brightly at his answer.
In the end, however, after they returned to Hamilton county to a mother’s panic, harsh scoldings, promises that Jon would not go out for months, and turns in the shower to wash off days of grime and sweat, much to Damian’s surprise Father did consider it best that he rest a bit at the Kent’s for the weekend. So he found himself sprawled out on the Kent’s couch, biting his lip as his ape punched Jon’s off a platform, mindlessly tossing microwaved popcorn kernels into his mouth. Later on, Lane let Jon watch one sort of scary movie, apparently convinced because he had an older friend with him.
“Psh, she thinks I’m such a baby,” Jon scoffed. “I’ll be fine.”
Thirty minutes in, Jon was gripping Damian’s arm for seemingly dear life. That familiar heat rose to his cheeks once again.
“You’re such a kid,” Damian groaned, but didn’t pull his arm away. Especially not when maybe one of those stupid jump scares might have made him flinch a little. But he’d be damned if he let Jon see that.
Damian found sleeping in a thin sleeping bag on an inflatable mattress about as comfortable as he expected.
“Thanks for staying over, Damian! It was super fun!” Jon piped from the bed above him.
But it wasn’t so bad, he supposed. And their parents must not have been too mad about all this, because they still let them team up to fight crime–for the times they knew about, at least.
“Hey, you said you’ve never been to a carnival, right?” Jon asked over the phone one night, several months later.
“Um…no,” Damian replied, uneasy at the sudden question. He wasn’t going to ask what he thought he was going to…
“Do you wanna come to the one in town this weekend?”
“Seriously?”
“Uh huh, my other friends are gonna be busy with their parents’ stands and it’ll be fun! You should come! Have you even ever ridden a ferris wheel?”
“I’ve never wanted to ride a ferris wheel,” Damian said in a huff.
“You always say stuff like that, and then you always have fun.”
Damian denied it, but that didn’t stop him from showing up at the Kent’s door anyway.
Of course, Grayson had heard him discussing the matter over the phone and wasted no time in pressing him into it.
“I grew up in something like a carnival,” he’d said, “you’ll like it. It’s fun! You can run around and eat sugary crap like kids your age should.”
Damian tutted in irritation. But his brother had persisted. Later, when he didn’t know the youngest Robin was lurking in the shadows, Damian had overheard Richard telling Pennyworth that he thinks Jon is a good influence on him–a balancing force, so to speak. Damian tried to ignore that point on the ride to Hamilton County.
Though he had to admit, there was something a little comforting about peeling off the sweaty Robin costume after having had worn it for several days straight. Sometimes he just forgets to.
If he’d known that he’d have to squeeze into the backseat of the Kent’s stale-smelling family truck, he’d have hired a car to take him directly there…but Jon soon distracted him with rapid-fire stories about pie-eating contests, water-gun fights, and viciously spinning light up rides. Damian was hard pressed to admit it, even to himself, but part of it was intriguing. Provincial, but intriguing.
“Last time Alan ate an entire cheesedog before going on the tilt-a-wheel, we told him not to but he did anyway and then when he went on, it all–”
“I think that’s enough, dear,” Ms. Lane said from the front seat.
“Quite enough,” Damian agreed, though something in him wanted to hear the end.
“I’ll tell ya later,” Jon said, almost like he read his mind. It made him less uncomfortable than it should. In any case, he had inspected the alien man’s powers closely enough to know that telepathy was not one of them, and so his son certainly didn’t have it.
Something in his head that sounded an awful lot like Grayson’s voice told him that such things occur with friends.
Perhaps that was why he also let Jon grab his arm again and drag him to the muddy fairground, with Lane’s voice shrinking into the distance as she told them to meet her back at the car by 10:30. And so he was dragged that night, up to game booths with cheap stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling (”You know we could buy these toys with pocket change at the dollar store, right?” “Winning them is the fun of it Damian, gosh…stop being such a killjoy”), over to meet Jon’s friend Kathy to drink some unpasteurized milk (who, to Damian’s amusement, was quite taken with the fact that he was thirteen…until Jon made a comment about Maya’s liking to him in retaliation), and through a “scary” funhouse with twisting mazes and poor trying-too-hard actors in running makeup (both of them agreed, after the Joker, none of those clowns were the least bit intimidating).
It was fun. There, he said it. That unpasteurized milk was pretty tasty (whether it would make him sick was still under consideration). And maybe the toy Monk E Monster that he won at a ball-throwing booth (all too easy for someone of his skills) was kind of cool. Some of those mazes almost posed a slight challenge. He enjoyed himself. He smiled fairly often that night.
Until they reached the looming ferris wheel, and his smile fell.
“I am not going on that.”
Jon handed him a stick perched with a monstrous, artificially pink ball of fleecy sugar–cotton candy.
“Come on!” the kid whined, threads of his own blue one sticking to the sides of his mouth. “It’s so cool! You can see the whole fairground up there!”
Damian squinted at the spinning contraption, studying its shoddy construction. “That thing is only being held together by luck. And I don’t believe in luck.”
“What…,” Jon’s voice fell to a whisper and he leaned in, “is Robin not brave enough to ride a mere ferris wheel?” For a moment, Damian was ready to march up to the damn thing and toss that stupid kid on it. But in another, he simply sighed and rolled his eyes.
“I can’t believe you tried that old trick on me.” He took an indignant bite out of his cotton candy (which tasted better than he cared to admit). “Not going to happen.”
He preferred to believe that his stomach lurched in response to the unpasteurized milk, not the way Jon’s face fell and his tiny voice sighed out “Ok, let’s go back to the car then.” But either way, he ended up paying that damn ticket price and leading the then-joyous boy onto the rickety platform, praying to whatever pantheon might be listening to let him survive this.
The wheel creaked and shook as it began to turn, and Damian knew this was a huge mistake.
But Jon was grabbing his shoulder and pointing out the shrinking people below, as well as all the places they had been that night. And yes, against the country sky, which glittered with far more stars than any city night, in the distance the flashing yellow and red lights of the carnival went from tacky to something kind of like beautiful. Just enough for him to forget his assured doom.
“See, I told you it was cool!” Jon said smugly, again showing an ability to read him that Damian knew now he did not like one bit. Damian smiled slightly in response. Only slightly.
“It’s alright. But you should see Gotham from up high, it’ll beat any carnival you’d attend for the rest of your life.”
“Sure! That would be awesome!”
Damian didn’t intend that as an invitation. But he supposed he could deal with it becoming one.
“Hey…Damian?” Jon said softer this time, both out of caution and seemingly to make sure no one else heard. “I know you thought it was kinda lame, but thanks for coming here.”
“…You’re welcome. Thank you for inviting me, I suppose.”
“Of course I did!” Jon said casually, “you’re my best friend.”
The wheel didn’t screech to a halt. But it might as well have.
“I’m–what?” Damian sputtered. Jon’s casual expression became timid, and Damian felt the hole get deeper. “I…I thought Kathy was your best friend.”
“I mean, she is…” Jon rubbed his arms and adjusted his glasses self-consciously. “But you’re different, ya know? She can’t be in with all the superhero stuff. You can be best friends with Superboy too. Like you can come to carnivals with me and help me kick bad-guy butt!”
Damian blinked twice, for once unsure of what to say. He looked at Jon, then back at the fairgrounds, getting a little closer now that they were wheeling towards the ground. Then back at Jon.
Truly, what was the harm? 
“Ok.”
“Really?”
Damian shrugged. But he guessed that by now Jon could tell he didn’t feel that relaxed. “Yeah. We’re best friends.”  Oh, wouldn’t Richard be so proud, he thought sarcastically.
His newly christened best friend grinned wider than he had for the rest of the night, and Damian’s heart thudded a little in his chest. Must have been the milk again.
“For two supers, it’s just nice to get to be normal kids with each other.”
“I am not a–” Damian, much to his own surprise, stopped, sighed, at looked back across the carnival. “Yeah…yeah, it is.”
By the time they had gotten back to the car, they had pushed and shoved each other enough to get cotton candy in each other’s hair, stains on Damian’s shirt, and smears across Jon’s glasses. Ms. Lane sighed and sent them to wash in the bathroom before they went in the car.
Before long, they were laughingly making mud puddles of the dirt floor as they splashed each other from the sink. One thought, soft but warm, crept into Damian’s mind in the chaos. Perhaps being a kid sometimes might not be so bad after all.
Look at you kids, you know you’re the coolest The world is yours and you can’t refuse it Seen so much, you could get the blues, but That don’t mean that you should abuse it [x]
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ferrari 458 italia insurance
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aamilkeeyankhan · 6 years
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Jim Carrey Commencement Speech
Transcript of Full Commencement Address by Jim Carrey, Maharishi University of Management, May 24th, 2014
Thank you Bevan, thank you all!
I brought one of my paintings to show you today. Hope you guys are gonna be able see it okay. It’s not one of my bigger pieces. You might wanna move down front — to get a good look at it. (kidding)
Faculty, Parents, Friends, Dignitaries… Graduating Class of 2014, and all the dead baseball players coming out of the corn to be with us today. (laughter) After the harvest there’s no place to hide — the fields are empty — there is no cover there! (laughter)
I am here to plant a seed that will inspire you to move forward in life with enthusiastic hearts and a clear sense of wholeness. The question is, will that seed have a chance to take root, or will I be sued by Monsanto and forced to use their seed, which may not be totally “Ayurvedic.” (laughter)
Excuse me if I seem a little low energy tonight — today — whatever this is. I slept with my head to the North last night. (laughter) Oh man! Oh man! You know how that is, right kids? Woke up right in the middle of Pitta and couldn’t get back to sleep till Vata rolled around, but I didn’t freak out. I used that time to eat a large meal and connect with someone special on Tinder. (laughter)
Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you. How do I know this? I don’t, but I’m making sound, and that’s the important thing. That’s what I’m here to do. Sometimes, I think that’s one of the only things that are important. Just letting each other know we’re here, reminding each other that we are part of a larger self. I used to think Jim Carrey is all that I was…
Just a flickering light
A dancing shadow
The great nothing masquerading as something you can name
Dwelling in forts and castles made of witches – wishes! Sorry, a Freudian slip there
Seeking shelter in caves and foxholes, dug out hastily
An archer searching for his target in the mirror
Wounded only by my own arrows
Begging to be enslaved
Pleading for my chains
Blinded by longing and tripping over paradise – can I get an “Amen”?! (applause)
You didn’t think I could be serious did ya’? I don’t think you understand who you’re dealing with! I have no limits! I cannot be contained because I’m the container. You can’t contain the container, man! You can’t contain the container! (laughter)
I used to believe that who I was ended at the edge of my skin, that I had been given this little vehicle called a body from which to experience creation, and though I couldn’t have asked for a sportier model, (laughter) it was after all a loaner and would have to be returned. Then, I learned that everything outside the vehicle was a part of me, too, and now I drive a convertible. Top down wind in my hair! (laughter)
I am elated and truly, truly, truly excited to be present and fully connected to you at this important moment in your journey. I hope you’re ready to open the roof and take it all in?! (audience doesn’t react) Okay, four more years then! (laughter)
I want to thank the Trustees, Administrators and Faculty of MUM for creating an institution worthy of Maharishi’s ideals of education. A place that teaches the knowledge and experience necessary to be productive in life, as well as enabling the students, through Transcendental Meditation and ancient Vedic knowledge to slack off twice a day for an hour and a half!! (laughter) — don’t think you’re fooling me!!! — (applause) but, I guess it has some benefits. It does allow you to separate who you truly are and what’s real, from the stories that run through your head.
You have given them the ability to walk behind the mind’s elaborate set decoration, and to see that there is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind and an actual dog that’s going to eat you. (laughter) That may sound like no big deal, but many never learn that distinction and spend a great deal of their lives living in fight or flight response.
I’d like to acknowledge all you wonderful parents — way to go for the fantastic job you’ve done — for your tireless dedication, your love, your support, and most of all, for the attention you’ve paid to your children. I have a saying, “Beware the unloved,” because they will eventually hurt themselves… or me! (laughter)
But when I look at this group here today, I feel really safe! I do! I’m just going to say it — my room is not locked! My room is not locked! (laughter) No doubt some of you will turn out to be crooks! But white-collar stuff — Wall St. ya’ know, that type of thing — crimes committed by people with self-esteem! Stuff a parent can still be proud of in a weird way. (laughter)
And to the graduating class of 2017 — minus 3! You didn’t let me finish! (laughter) — Congratulations! (applause) Yes, give yourselves a round of applause, please. You are the vanguard of knowledge and consciousness; a new wave in a vast ocean of possibilities. On the other side of that door, there is a world starving for new leadership, new ideas.
I’ve been out there for 30 years! She’s a wild cat! (laughter) Oh, she’ll rub up against your leg and purr until you pick her up and start pettin’ her, and out of nowhere she’ll swat you in the face. Sure it’s rough sometimes but that’s OK, ‘cause they’ve got soft serve ice cream with sprinkles! (laughter) I guess that’s what I’m really here to say; sometimes it’s okay to eat your feelings! (laughter)
Fear is going to be a player in your life, but you get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about your pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what’s happening here, and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear.
So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying, I’m the proof that you can ask the universe for it — please! (applause) And if it doesn’t happen for you right away, it’s only because the universe is so busy fulfilling my order. It’s party size! (laughter)
My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that was possible for him, and so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant, and when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job and our family had to do whatever we could to survive.
I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love. (applause)
That’s not the only thing he taught me though: I watched the affect my father’s love and humor had on the world around me, and I thought, “That’s something to do, that’s something worth my time.”
It wasn’t long before I started acting up. People would come over to my house and they would be greeted by a 7 yr old throwing himself down a large flight of stairs. (laughter) They would say, “What happened?” And I would say, “I don’t know — let’s check the replay.” And I would go back to the top of the stairs and come back down in slow motion. (Jim reenacts coming down the stairs in slow-mo) It was a very strange household. (laughter)
My father used to brag that I wasn’t a ham — I was the whole pig. And he treated my talent as if it was his second chance. When I was about 28, after a decade as a professional comedian, I realized one night in LA that the purpose of my life had always been to free people from concern, like my dad. When I realized this, I dubbed my new devotion, “The Church of Freedom From Concern” — “The Church of FFC”— and I dedicated myself to that ministry.
What’s yours? How will you serve the world? What do they need that your talent can provide? That’s all you have to figure out. As someone who has done what you are about to go do, I can tell you from experience, the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is. (applause)
Everything you gain in life will rot and fall apart, and all that will be left of you is what was in your heart. My choosing to free people from concern got me to the top of a mountain. Look where I am — look what I get to do! Everywhere I go – and I’m going to get emotional because when I tap into this, it really is extraordinary to me — I did something that makes people present their best selves to me wherever I go. (applause) I am at the top of the mountain and the only one I hadn’t freed was myself and that’s when my search for identity deepened.
I wondered who I’d be without my fame. Who would I be if I said things that people didn’t want to hear, or if I defied their expectations of me? What if I showed up to the party without my Mardi Gras mask and I refused to flash my breasts for a handful of beads? (laughter) I’ll give you a moment to wipe that image out of your mind. (laughter)
But you guys are way ahead of the game. You already know who you are and that peace, that peace that we’re after, lies somewhere beyond personality, beyond the perception of others, beyond invention and disguise, even beyond effort itself. You can join the game, fight the wars, play with form all you want, but to find real peace, you have to let the armor fall. Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory. (A sheet drops and reveals Jim’s painting. Applause.)
(Re: the painting) It’s not big enough! (kidding) This painting is big for a reason. This painting is called “High Visibility.” (laughter) It’s about picking up the light and daring to be seen. Here’s the tricky part. Everyone is attracted to the light. The party host up in the corner (refers to painting) who thinks unconsciousness is bliss and is always offering a drink from the bottles that empty you; Misery, below her, who despises the light — can’t stand when you’re doing well — and wishes you nothing but the worst; The Queen of Diamonds who needs a King to build her house of cards; And the Hollow One, who clings to your leg and begs, “Please don’t leave me behind for I have abandoned myself.”
Even those who are closest to you and most in love with you; the people you love most in the world can find clarity confronting at times. This painting took me thousands of hours to complete and — (applause) thank you — yes, thousands of hours that I’ll never get back, I’ll never get them back (kidding) — I worked on this for so long, for weeks and weeks, like a mad man alone on a scaffolding — and when I was finished one of my friends said, “This would be a cool black light painting.” (laughter)
So I started over. (All the lights go off in the Dome and the painting is showered with black light.) Whooooo! Welcome to Burning Man! (applause) Some pretty crazy characters right? Better up there than in here. (points to head) Painting is one of the ways I free myself from concern, a way to stop the world through total mental, spiritual and physical involvement.
But even with that, comes a feeling of divine dissatisfaction. Because ultimately, we’re not the avatars we create. We’re not the pictures on the film stock. We are the light that shines through it. All else is just smoke and mirrors. Distracting, but not truly compelling.
I’ve often said that I wished people could realize all their dreams of wealth and fame so they could see that it’s not where you’ll find your sense of completion. Like many of you, I was concerned about going out in the world and doing something bigger than myself, until someone smarter than myself made me realize that there is nothing bigger than myself! (laughter)
My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul — one unified field of nothing dancing for no particular reason, except maybe to comfort and entertain itself. (applause) As that shift happens in you, you won’t be feeling the world you’ll be felt by it — you will be embraced by it. Now, I’m always at the beginning. I have a reset button called presence and I ride that button constantly.
Once that button is functional in your life, there’s no story the mind could create that will be as compelling. The imagination is always manufacturing scenarios — both good and bad — and the ego tries to keep you trapped in the multiplex of the mind. Our eyes are not only viewers, but also projectors that are running a second story over the picture we see in front of us all the time. Fear is writing that script and the working title is, ‘I’ll never be enough.’
You look at a person like me and say, (kidding) “How could we ever hope to reach those kinds of heights, Jim? How can I make a painting that’s too big for any reasonable home? How do you fly so high without a special breathing apparatus?” (laughter)
This is the voice of your ego. If you listen to it, there will always be someone who seems to be doing better than you. No matter what you gain, ego will not let you rest. It will tell you that you cannot stop until you’ve left an indelible mark on the earth, until you’ve achieved immortality. How tricky is the ego that it would tempt us with the promise of something we already possess.
So I just want you to relax—that’s my job—relax and dream up a good life! (applause) I had a substitute teacher from Ireland in the second grade that told my class during Morning Prayer that when she wants something, anything at all, she prays for it, and promises something in return and she always gets it. I’m sitting at the back of the classroom, thinking that my family can’t afford a bike, so I went home and I prayed for one, and promised I would recite the rosary every night in exchange. Broke it—broke that promise. (laughter)
Two weeks later, I got home from school to find a brand new mustang bike with a banana seat and easy rider handlebars — from fool to cool! My family informed me that I had won the bike in a raffle that a friend of mine had entered my name in, without my knowledge. That type of thing has been happening ever since, and as far as I can tell, it’s just about letting the universe know what you want and working toward it while letting go of how it might come to pass. (applause)
Your job is not to figure out how it’s going to happen for you, but to open the door in your head and when the doors open in real life, just walk through it. Don’t worry if you miss your cue. There will always be another door opening. They keep opening.
And when I say, “life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you.” I really don’t know if that’s true. I’m just making a conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial so that I can deal with them in the most productive way. You’ll come up with your own style, that’s part of the fun!
Oh, and why not take a chance on faith as well? Take a chance on faith — not religion, but faith. Not hope, but faith. I don’t believe in hope. Hope is a beggar. Hope walks through the fire. Faith leaps over it.
You are ready and able to do beautiful things in this world and after you walk through those doors today, you will only ever have two choices: love or fear. Choose love, and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.
Thank you. Jai Guru Dev. I’m so honored. Thank you.
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cynthiajayusa · 7 years
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Gay For Goldie Hawn & Amy Schumer
By Chris Azzopardi
Snatched co-stars talk longtime LGBT support, doing a gay cult film together and how ‘love knows no gender’ “We’re serious bitches too,” says Amy Schumer, nearly in tears. The comic firecracker is seated next to national gay-loved treasure Goldie Hawn, and the screen icon has just made a touching revelation: She used to comfort men dying of AIDS.
Perhaps that isn’t the kind of heartwarming reveal you’d expect during a sit-down for their action-comedy, Snatched, but as this onscreen mom-daughter duo joke about a potential gay-themed sequel (the ladies already have several queer-centric working titles; for Schumer, the joke writes itself), it’s clear nothing is off topic. They’re just happy to be here speaking to gay press, which has Schumer “very elated.” “This will be our favorite interview of the day,” the 35-year-old raves from a hotel bungalow in Santa Monica. Beaming, Hawn shares her enthusiasm: “It will be!”
Snatched is Hawn’s first movie since 2002’s The Banger Sisters. But donning a signature frilly, shoulder-less, royal blue dress, it seems like just yesterday the 71-year-old’s frothy charm enraptured gay audiences on Laugh-In in the late ’60s, and later, in 1996’s First Wives Club and, of course,  Death Becomes Her, in 1992.
 “It’s fun doing press with her,” says Schumer, as Hawn, en route, recharges at the hotel’s nearby buffet line before breezing in. “It’s also relaxing, because she’s like a mom – you’ll ask her something, and you’ll be looking for a sound bite and then we’re out of time and I’m like, ‘OK, cool. Good job.’”
Before being snatched up for their next interview, Hawn and Schumer got real about their respective gay followings, how Hawn thinks Schumer still has time to pursue a lesbian relationship and their commitment to “fight to the death” for LGBT people.
Q: Why has it been important to you both to advocate for the LGBT community, especially now, in this political climate?
A: Schumer: I can’t remember a time I didn’t. When I was in high school, people weren’t really out yet. I think it’s more now. It was a different time even then, but it was never a question. It was never a choice. It was, “Yeah, of course.”
Hawn: Being an ally for LGBT people and an ally for all people, transgender or whatever – to me, that’s a human story. I feel there are injustices in the world that I’ll stand up for, and I think that it’s important to realize that the world is filled with these kinds of issues. We’re dealing with intolerance and what’s going on with deportation and what’s happening with Mexicans and what’s happening with people who are Muslim. There are so many things, and if you can’t stand up for it, then you’re not standing up for humankind. Because that’s who we are. We all have skin and blood, and we’re all made of the same things. I have a note that I will probably needlepoint one day: “Love knows no gender.” And it doesn’t. Love is something in the heart and in the mind, so why would you chastise anyone for that? And this is something that I feel very strongly about.
Schumer: Also, we’re both people who will stand up to the death for our gay friends and gay people and what’s going on in Chechnya and the fear of what will happen in the coming years. We’ll be there to fight alongside our gay friends.
Hawn: You know what I used to do? This is interesting. When we went through the AIDS period, it was a very scary time, and I would go visit guys and I’d get in bed with them just to be there with them.
Schumer: Come on, think about that.
Hawn: Oh, I just remember.
Schumer: Aw, Goldie. And great – now we’re all crying.
Amy, on behalf of gays everywhere, thank you for being instrumental in bringing Goldie back to the big screen. Hawn: Awwww!
Schumer: You’re welcome!
Hawn: Oh my god, so sweet.
You were missed, Goldie.
Schumer: Dude, yeah. I completely agree, and I feel the same way. I just stayed on her, and we did it together.
Hawn: You were the one, I gotta tell you. It really was Amy.
Q: When in your career did you two first know you had a big gay following?
Hawn: Gosh, honey, this is a long time ago. I think when I first came on – it started then. The early days. There wasn’t a moment in my career, never a moment. I was a dancer, and I grew up and that’s who I was. There was no issue. I mean, I had a tremendous amount of gay friends, so my whole life was basically like that while dancing. So, I never noticed who was gay or who was straight. For me, it was like that.
Now, later on, you started seeing more, maybe excitement, around it. But I’ll tell you, I don’t pay much attention. You can’t pay too much attention to those things and live a full life. It can’t be just about that. So, I don’t pay a lot of attention to things. I have a little bit of blinders on.
Schumer: I’ve been on the road for 15 years. What I would do after shows is go dance at gay bars, and I started noticing, because even the worst towns have a fun gay bar, people being like, “We were at the show.” I remember it was a realization for me going on the road. And I’ve had a bunch of gay couples say, “I wanna propose at your show,” and I get really psyched! Ha! You’re like, “Yes!” Not because, “Oh, good, that’s a market”; it’s like, that’s who you want to love you. I feel really grateful and lucky, and the love is mutual.
Hawn: A really good friend of mine, who is gay, married her girlfriend and they wanted to get married in my house. All our friends were there, and it was the most beautiful thing. It was just so emotional, and (my son) Oliver, who is 40 now – at that time he was about 20-something – basically went, “Mom, I want a gay marriage!” Ha! I was like, “I know! It’s so beautiful.”
Schumer: I’m always walking around in every town I’m in and I’ll find a park, and there are always people having their engagement pictures. I’m like, “Can I be in this photo?” I want in on the fun!
Q: As someone who used to dance in gay bars, were your dance moves in Snatched gay-inspired? And how about Goldie’s?
Schumer: Oh, definitely. Also, just to watch Goldie dance is one of the great joys of my life. Honestly, to see that live.
Hawn: Ha!
Q: Goldie, with your dance scenes in this movie, were you having flashbacks to your iconic dancing in First Wives Club at that lesbian bar?
Hawn: Oh, right! I danced in a lot of movies! It’s weird but it happened and it’s good.
Schumer: To have you not dance in a movie is a crime.
Both of you have experience in a lesbian bar. Goldie in First Wives Club, and Amy, you were a bartender at one before your comedy career took off. Is this maybe a potential jumping-off point for a second movie starring both of you?
Schumer: There’s our sequel: The Real Snatched.
Hawn: Ha! Snatched Unhinged! Snatched Uncensored!
Schumer: And Uncut!
Q: How do you think this film may resonate with gay people and the relationships they do or don’t have with their parents?
Schumer: That’s a good question.
Hawn: Very good question.
Schumer: I definitely haven’t thought about how different sort of lifestyles could experience it because it does feel pretty universal, but I get it. I think it really will bring together people who have had a struggle with a parent – that idea of, we’re both doing the best we can. As kids, you’re just so, “Oh, my mom just loves me.” We all take our parents for granted, and the goal is to be able to accept that they just love the shit out of me and did the best they could. And maybe it wasn’t enough, but (it’s important) to find peace for yourself in that and to get rid of some of the anger. I hope this movie brings kids and parents together – I think it will.
Hawn: The other thing you’re dealing with is a very strong rejection and it is arguably very, very important to find forgiveness. This movie may or may not touch a little on that, but we’re talking about a relationship between a mother and a daughter. It’s kind of like a fraught relationship, and we do get into it. I’d like the idea that perhaps whether you’re gay or not that you’re able to go in and say, “Maybe I should call my dad, maybe I’m gonna call my mom.”
One of the realities is that if you don’t make peace, they’re gonna die one day, and it’s really important to know that, because moms and dads don’t last forever. If you’ve got unfinished business, we need to face that, and that’s not easy. And a lot of parents are stoic and won’t give, and if they don’t give it’s a very sad story, because you know why? Every child wants to love their mother and their father. Love is the most important thing, and when they feel rejected and unloved that hole can never be filled by anyone else.
Q: Amy, in the movie, you tell your brother that he’s “so gay for mom.”
Schumer: I wondered what the experience would be of that line.
Q: Who are you gay for in your lives?
Schumer: I’m gay for so many people that I think I may be just gay.
Hawn: Ha!
Schumer: I love my girlfriends so much that I’ve kissed girls – but I’ve never had, like, a lesbian experience. Not yet. But I’m sure. The life is young.
Hawn: I was gonna say: There’s a lot of time!
Schumer: There’s time left. But you know how you just think your friends are so beautiful, and (with) my really good girlfriends, over the years I’ve had confusing feelings because I just love them so much. I just think they’re so beautiful, so I’m gay for my friends.
Hawn: My best girlfriend is gay… and my other girlfriend probably could’ve been! She wore man shoes all the time, and I was always the one in little twinkle shoes. She’d go out with me and I’d say, “Now are you gonna wear your suit and your man shoes because we’re quite a couple!” Ha! But my best girlfriend is gay, and this is the girl I laugh with like crazy. And my nephew!
Q: Naturally, Goldie, everyone around you is gay, and with a résumé that includes First Wives Club and  Death Becomes Her, I’d expect nothing less. Which of those films do you think earned you the most gay cred?
Hawn: That’s really interesting. Probably First Wives Club. But Death Becomes Her was pretty gay.
Q: Did you know Death Becomes Her would eventually become a gay cult film?
Hawn: Not at all! I just thought that it was gonna be a cult film forever because it’s all about staying alive and staying young forever, and (director) Bob Zemeckis was way ahead of his time. So, for me, it was just a general commentary on where we’re going, because everyone wants to stay young and no one wants to get old and what is the elixir and what can I drink?
Q: When did you realize that it was adored by gay audiences?
Hawn: I never thought of it! But I love that.
Schumer: I hope this becomes a gay cult movie.
Hawn: That would be awesome!
I mean, basically anything that Goldie touches, right?
Hawn: Well, my god, that’s quite a compliment.
Schumer: We should all be so lucky!
source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2017/05/25/gay-for-goldie-hawn-amy-schumer/ from Hot Spots Magazine http://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2017/05/gay-for-goldie-hawn-amy-schumer.html
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demitgibbs · 7 years
Text
Gay For Goldie Hawn & Amy Schumer
By Chris Azzopardi
Snatched co-stars talk longtime LGBT support, doing a gay cult film together and how ‘love knows no gender’ “We’re serious bitches too,” says Amy Schumer, nearly in tears. The comic firecracker is seated next to national gay-loved treasure Goldie Hawn, and the screen icon has just made a touching revelation: She used to comfort men dying of AIDS.
Perhaps that isn’t the kind of heartwarming reveal you’d expect during a sit-down for their action-comedy, Snatched, but as this onscreen mom-daughter duo joke about a potential gay-themed sequel (the ladies already have several queer-centric working titles; for Schumer, the joke writes itself), it’s clear nothing is off topic. They’re just happy to be here speaking to gay press, which has Schumer “very elated.” “This will be our favorite interview of the day,” the 35-year-old raves from a hotel bungalow in Santa Monica. Beaming, Hawn shares her enthusiasm: “It will be!”
Snatched is Hawn’s first movie since 2002’s The Banger Sisters. But donning a signature frilly, shoulder-less, royal blue dress, it seems like just yesterday the 71-year-old’s frothy charm enraptured gay audiences on Laugh-In in the late ’60s, and later, in 1996’s First Wives Club and, of course,  Death Becomes Her, in 1992.
“It’s fun doing press with her,” says Schumer, as Hawn, en route, recharges at the hotel’s nearby buffet line before breezing in. “It’s also relaxing, because she’s like a mom – you’ll ask her something, and you’ll be looking for a sound bite and then we’re out of time and I’m like, ‘OK, cool. Good job.’”
Before being snatched up for their next interview, Hawn and Schumer got real about their respective gay followings, how Hawn thinks Schumer still has time to pursue a lesbian relationship and their commitment to “fight to the death” for LGBT people.
Q: Why has it been important to you both to advocate for the LGBT community, especially now, in this political climate?
A: Schumer: I can’t remember a time I didn’t. When I was in high school, people weren’t really out yet. I think it’s more now. It was a different time even then, but it was never a question. It was never a choice. It was, “Yeah, of course.”
Hawn: Being an ally for LGBT people and an ally for all people, transgender or whatever – to me, that’s a human story. I feel there are injustices in the world that I’ll stand up for, and I think that it’s important to realize that the world is filled with these kinds of issues. We’re dealing with intolerance and what’s going on with deportation and what’s happening with Mexicans and what’s happening with people who are Muslim. There are so many things, and if you can’t stand up for it, then you’re not standing up for humankind. Because that’s who we are. We all have skin and blood, and we’re all made of the same things. I have a note that I will probably needlepoint one day: “Love knows no gender.” And it doesn’t. Love is something in the heart and in the mind, so why would you chastise anyone for that? And this is something that I feel very strongly about.
Schumer: Also, we’re both people who will stand up to the death for our gay friends and gay people and what’s going on in Chechnya and the fear of what will happen in the coming years. We’ll be there to fight alongside our gay friends.
Hawn: You know what I used to do? This is interesting. When we went through the AIDS period, it was a very scary time, and I would go visit guys and I’d get in bed with them just to be there with them.
Schumer: Come on, think about that.
Hawn: Oh, I just remember.
Schumer: Aw, Goldie. And great – now we’re all crying.
Amy, on behalf of gays everywhere, thank you for being instrumental in bringing Goldie back to the big screen. Hawn: Awwww!
Schumer: You’re welcome!
Hawn: Oh my god, so sweet.
You were missed, Goldie.
Schumer: Dude, yeah. I completely agree, and I feel the same way. I just stayed on her, and we did it together.
Hawn: You were the one, I gotta tell you. It really was Amy.
Q: When in your career did you two first know you had a big gay following?
Hawn: Gosh, honey, this is a long time ago. I think when I first came on – it started then. The early days. There wasn’t a moment in my career, never a moment. I was a dancer, and I grew up and that’s who I was. There was no issue. I mean, I had a tremendous amount of gay friends, so my whole life was basically like that while dancing. So, I never noticed who was gay or who was straight. For me, it was like that.
Now, later on, you started seeing more, maybe excitement, around it. But I’ll tell you, I don’t pay much attention. You can’t pay too much attention to those things and live a full life. It can’t be just about that. So, I don’t pay a lot of attention to things. I have a little bit of blinders on.
Schumer: I’ve been on the road for 15 years. What I would do after shows is go dance at gay bars, and I started noticing, because even the worst towns have a fun gay bar, people being like, “We were at the show.” I remember it was a realization for me going on the road. And I’ve had a bunch of gay couples say, “I wanna propose at your show,” and I get really psyched! Ha! You’re like, “Yes!” Not because, “Oh, good, that’s a market”; it’s like, that’s who you want to love you. I feel really grateful and lucky, and the love is mutual.
Hawn: A really good friend of mine, who is gay, married her girlfriend and they wanted to get married in my house. All our friends were there, and it was the most beautiful thing. It was just so emotional, and (my son) Oliver, who is 40 now – at that time he was about 20-something – basically went, “Mom, I want a gay marriage!” Ha! I was like, “I know! It’s so beautiful.”
Schumer: I’m always walking around in every town I’m in and I’ll find a park, and there are always people having their engagement pictures. I’m like, “Can I be in this photo?” I want in on the fun!
Q: As someone who used to dance in gay bars, were your dance moves in Snatched gay-inspired? And how about Goldie’s?
Schumer: Oh, definitely. Also, just to watch Goldie dance is one of the great joys of my life. Honestly, to see that live.
Hawn: Ha!
Q: Goldie, with your dance scenes in this movie, were you having flashbacks to your iconic dancing in First Wives Club at that lesbian bar?
Hawn: Oh, right! I danced in a lot of movies! It’s weird but it happened and it’s good.
Schumer: To have you not dance in a movie is a crime.
Both of you have experience in a lesbian bar. Goldie in First Wives Club, and Amy, you were a bartender at one before your comedy career took off. Is this maybe a potential jumping-off point for a second movie starring both of you?
Schumer: There’s our sequel: The Real Snatched.
Hawn: Ha! Snatched Unhinged! Snatched Uncensored!
Schumer: And Uncut!
Q: How do you think this film may resonate with gay people and the relationships they do or don’t have with their parents?
Schumer: That’s a good question.
Hawn: Very good question.
Schumer: I definitely haven’t thought about how different sort of lifestyles could experience it because it does feel pretty universal, but I get it. I think it really will bring together people who have had a struggle with a parent – that idea of, we’re both doing the best we can. As kids, you’re just so, “Oh, my mom just loves me.” We all take our parents for granted, and the goal is to be able to accept that they just love the shit out of me and did the best they could. And maybe it wasn’t enough, but (it’s important) to find peace for yourself in that and to get rid of some of the anger. I hope this movie brings kids and parents together – I think it will.
Hawn: The other thing you’re dealing with is a very strong rejection and it is arguably very, very important to find forgiveness. This movie may or may not touch a little on that, but we’re talking about a relationship between a mother and a daughter. It’s kind of like a fraught relationship, and we do get into it. I’d like the idea that perhaps whether you’re gay or not that you’re able to go in and say, “Maybe I should call my dad, maybe I’m gonna call my mom.”
One of the realities is that if you don’t make peace, they’re gonna die one day, and it’s really important to know that, because moms and dads don’t last forever. If you’ve got unfinished business, we need to face that, and that’s not easy. And a lot of parents are stoic and won’t give, and if they don’t give it’s a very sad story, because you know why? Every child wants to love their mother and their father. Love is the most important thing, and when they feel rejected and unloved that hole can never be filled by anyone else.
Q: Amy, in the movie, you tell your brother that he’s “so gay for mom.”
Schumer: I wondered what the experience would be of that line.
Q: Who are you gay for in your lives?
Schumer: I’m gay for so many people that I think I may be just gay.
Hawn: Ha!
Schumer: I love my girlfriends so much that I’ve kissed girls – but I’ve never had, like, a lesbian experience. Not yet. But I’m sure. The life is young.
Hawn: I was gonna say: There’s a lot of time!
Schumer: There’s time left. But you know how you just think your friends are so beautiful, and (with) my really good girlfriends, over the years I’ve had confusing feelings because I just love them so much. I just think they’re so beautiful, so I’m gay for my friends.
Hawn: My best girlfriend is gay… and my other girlfriend probably could’ve been! She wore man shoes all the time, and I was always the one in little twinkle shoes. She’d go out with me and I’d say, “Now are you gonna wear your suit and your man shoes because we’re quite a couple!” Ha! But my best girlfriend is gay, and this is the girl I laugh with like crazy. And my nephew!
Q: Naturally, Goldie, everyone around you is gay, and with a résumé that includes First Wives Club and  Death Becomes Her, I’d expect nothing less. Which of those films do you think earned you the most gay cred?
Hawn: That’s really interesting. Probably First Wives Club. But Death Becomes Her was pretty gay.
Q: Did you know Death Becomes Her would eventually become a gay cult film?
Hawn: Not at all! I just thought that it was gonna be a cult film forever because it’s all about staying alive and staying young forever, and (director) Bob Zemeckis was way ahead of his time. So, for me, it was just a general commentary on where we’re going, because everyone wants to stay young and no one wants to get old and what is the elixir and what can I drink?
Q: When did you realize that it was adored by gay audiences?
Hawn: I never thought of it! But I love that.
Schumer: I hope this becomes a gay cult movie.
Hawn: That would be awesome!
I mean, basically anything that Goldie touches, right?
Hawn: Well, my god, that’s quite a compliment.
Schumer: We should all be so lucky!
from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2017/05/25/gay-for-goldie-hawn-amy-schumer/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/161058602840
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