I'm gonna go to bed now. I did not get very much done, again. but I guess it doesn't really matter since its definitely too late to get a meeting appointment with my advisor tomorrow anyway (since its 4:00 right now...). so I just have to hope that I'll actually be able to finish it tomorrow. or on Friday. I don't know.
I'm hoping I'll still be allowed to register my thesis application. my advisor said if it's any later than the end of October I'll have to talk to someone higher up at my uni. so, since October doesn't end until Tuesday.... well I'm hoping it'll somehow work out.
there's nothing I can do about it right now anyway - I'm simply not anywhere near done with my exposé, so I'm not able to send it right now. and I realised last night that it's a very bad and pointless idea to try to keep going until I physically can't stay awake anymore. especially since I slept for like 11 hours after that. so, I'm going to bed. maybe I didn't overdo it tonight and my brain will work better tomorrow.
I didn't write that much tonight, so it feels like I didn't do anything. I did, though. I found a lot of really good new articles (most of the sources I already had are from 2021 and earlier), I started printing out some of them (which feels very wasteful and also ironic since my topic is sustainability reporting.. but I realised I just can't work with digital files only, not even if they're on my iPad), I read quite a bit, I got closer to having a usable topic.
it's okay. it's okay. I did enough. I did as much as I was able to. in the end, all I need to do is just enough to pass. I don't care about my grade. it doesn't matter. my average is pretty good, and this won't affect it too much - even if I got the worst passing grade. I also don't care what my advisor thinks about me and how much effort I'm putting into this. obviously, I don't want to seem lazy. but beyond that, why should I care? no matter what happens I'll never see any of these people again after February, I'm not going into academia, I'm not getting my masters, it does not matter. I just have to finish it somehow and pass.
it's really hard to be productive when you constantly have to take breaks to have a meltdown 🙃
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Sometimes I cover my friend’s dance classes when he can’t make it, and one of the kids today said, whilst she was waiting for her mum to pick her up, ‘I watched an old film yesterday. It’s called pitch perfect.’ And I was just… pitch perfect came out in 2012. It’s really not that old. And when I explained that to her, she was like ‘it’s older than me’ and I’m staring at this little 9 year old kid and then I look down at my lap where I’m drawing fanart for a tv show that aired 30 years ago and I’m trying to figure out how you explain to a kid that just because somethings older than you, it doesn’t make it old
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I graduated in 2017, but it wasn't like, a victory and I wasn't proud of the achievement at the time. I really didn't care and tried to talk my way out of going to my own graduation ceremony. Honestly, I was pretty depressed and the whole situation felt unresolved and impersonal.
BUT ALL THAT CHANGED TODAY BITCH CAUSE LOOK WHAT I GOT
It's got MY name on it!! MY name! That I chose! Not my fucking deadname! That's MY degree that I earned!
Idk why but seeing my real name on it makes it feel real for the first time since I enrolled. It's like flipping a switch and suddenly I'm proud of my achievement. I might be a little emotional about this.
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One massive, legitimate way to improve as a writer or artist or in any creative endeavor really, is to become absolutely obsessed with something and to allow yourself to be weird about it. Genuinely mean this btw.
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still one of my favorite bits i ever got to commit was pretending not to know who jesus is when a street preacher was evangelizing to me. he was like "do you know who jesus is?" and i had so much time before my next bus and i wanted to know what would happen so i said no. and you know what. he had clearly never been told no to that question before because if i hadn't actually known who jesus was, his baffled and fumbling attempt sure wouldn't have told me. literally reversed the roles. now you get to stand here feeling very uncomfortable and wishing you could be somewhere else because guess what buddy, this is my bus stop, im early (and can catch like five other buses from this exact stop), and im now thoroughly invested in hearing about this mysterious jesus figure. you're locked in here with me. im eating the key as we speak. i will kill us both before i let you out of here.
very highly recommend this bit if you can pull it off and if you have time to kill
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I love you people going into "useless" fields I love you classics majors I love you cultural studies majors I love you comparative literature majors I love you film studies majors I love you near eastern religions majors I love you Greek, Latin, and Hebrew majors I love you ethnic studies I love you people going into any and all small field that isn't considered lucrative in our rotting capitalist society please never stop keeping the sacred flame of knowledge for the sake of knowledge and understanding humanity and not merely for the sake of money alive
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"But if college was free, then people would abuse that and get useless degrees" hell yeah I would! If I could go to college without debt I would make it my job to get a degree in every little thing that interested me. I'd get a doctorate in film studies. I'd have a bachelor's degree for every science I like. I'd try to learn at least 5 languages with varying results. I would learn something "useful" like coding and then follow it up with a ""useless"" degree like art history. I'd be the world record speed run holder for getting every degree possible.
But I can't afford college without going into massive debt, so instead I spent the last 5 years trying to figure out what I am passionate enough about to consider going into debt over, because unfortunately being passionate about everything is extremely expensive to pursue.
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hate when you tell someone something that you know a lot about, and they like think they know more
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I read svsss and I really liked the way they didn't communicate, nobody does it like them <3
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Amatonormativity has destroyed so many people's understanding and acceptance of themselves, and it's heartbreaking.
Yes, it is normal to be in your 20s, 30s, or older and not have lost your virginity, had a first kiss, or a partner. It is normal to say that you aren't ready for those things, too! It is normal if your life doesn't follow the "college graduate -> engagement -> buying a home -> 2.5 kids and a dog" trajectory that so many people have idealized.
So many people associate maturity with losing your virginity, or having a first kiss, or a serious relationship, and I think that's a dangerous association. Maturity isn't gained through those things, and you don't have to have those experiences to be considered "mature" or "grown." It is not a bad thing to go at your pace. Nobody else can live your life but you. If you end up having those experiences, that's great! But it should be done because you want to experience them, not because you feel "broken" and "immature" without them.
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