I’m bored and the guys at work are being goofy so here’s a list of no context things I’ve heard from The Boys™ recently.
“Call me a fake lesbian but I don’t really like girl in red. Clairo? Love. WILLOW? Besties. Hayley Kiyoko? Lesbian Jesus. But Girl in Red and I don’t really vibe. Sorry.”
“Maybe I’m losing my mind, but I wanna bite that truck.”
“Aye, watch your language.” “Will it do a flip?” “What?” “Watch it’s gunna do a flip!” [flips manager off]
“Have y’all heard about the Zuckerberg V. Musk fight? Okay let’s debate. Kanye or Swift, who would win? Actually. That wouldn’t be fair, Kanye never stood a chance. Okay. Obama or Trump? Fists only, no weapons.”
“Do you ever wonder if grass can feel? Like. What if it screams on a frequency I can’t hear every time I step on it? What if the fresh mowed grass smell is actually grass tears and blood?”
“I know we all agreed, but…”
“If lightning struck me right now, would y’all try to save me?”
“Sometimes I’m like ‘Hozier is a god.’ And sometimes I’m like ‘Hozier is just some guy.’”
“Someone threw away a black American Express card. Can I keep it? It’s not expired.”
“I’m not allowed to set off fireworks anymore. It’s not my fault I didn’t know they were actual explosions that could burn a house down. No, this wasn’t when I was a kid, this was like three months ago.”
“What do you think the sky tastes like?”
“When I was twelve, my mom hit me with her car backing out of the driveway and she didn’t even take me to the hospital. I think I broke my arm and I’m pretty sure that’s why my wrist does this. [shows wrist making clicking noise when he rolls it]”
“Okay. But. What if. Nope wait, I think that’s illegal.”
“God customers are stupid. Are you closed?? No lady, the sign says we’re closed because we’re open. It makes me want to eat a car battery.”
“If you could only eat one bug for the rest of your life, what would it be?”
“What are y’all’s opinions on potato flavored chewing gum?”
“Can I start bringing my dog to work?”
“Can I break this? I know it’s already broken, I want to break it more.”
“I’m a simple man. I like when things go boom. That doesn’t mean I started the fire.”
“Sometimes I like to take a bath and pretend I’m a little potato getting boiled to make some mashed potatoes.”
“Why can’t I be a duck? Why do I have to be a person?”
“But if I just punch him in the face, I don’t have to worry about him being mean anymore.”
“Maggie. Maggie. Maggie. Maggie. Maggie. Maggie. Maggie. Mag - okay I’m bored now.”
“If I was a rock, I think I’d be a big blue smooth shiny rock. What rock would you be?”
“I have an announcement to make. Stalactites and stalagmites. That is all. Carry on.”
“Sorry, was that gay?”
“I think being an adult is all about being nice to yourself. And taxes, maybe.”
“Why does the dirt over here taste saltier than the dirt by the flowers?”
“No. If I’m not asking him about Taylor Swift, what makes you think I’d ask him about Gracie Abrams?”
“Can I make a list of everyone’s red flags?” “Only if you list their green flags too.”
“I had to change your contact name to Charles. I don’t know why Charles, I just panicked and picked the first name I could think of.”
“Sometimes I forget she’s your mom.” “She’s not my mom. Do you think she’s my mom?” “Not anymore.”
“God. Everyone wants to be Donna but no one wants to be Rachel. No one is Donna except Donna. Everyone else is Rachel. Or they’re Harold.” (Someone please tell me what this means, I have no idea what he’s talking about)
“Why do crickets taste like that?”
“Oh to be a silly little horse in a silly little field being taken care of by a silly little person I could crush like a bug beneath my silly little hooves.”
“Tell me more, tell me more, like does he have a car?”
“The world went to hell when autopsies started testing for poison. Women just can’t poison their husbands anymore. That was the true beginning of the downfall of society.”
“What happens if someone asks to take their motorcycle through the carwash?”
“You don’t have to file customer complaints if you eat the paper they’re written on.”
“And if I said I still haven’t forgiven John Wilkes Booth, what would you say?”
“I don’t say this lightly, but the Pedro Pascual edits on tiktok have confused me sexually.”
“I just pulled a dead bird out of some guy’s grill. Anyone hungry?”
“Taylor Swift might have forgiven him but that doesn’t mean I have to!”
“Why aren’t we allowed to have a company pet? Firefighters get Dalmatians, we should be allowed like. A fish or something.”
“I dreamt that I came to work yesterday and worked an entire shift, is there any way I can get that added to my pay?”
“My girlfriend is mad at me because I keep playing I’m Just Ken and telling her she’s Kenough.”
“Can we close early on October the thirteenth? Oh, no reason… On a completely unrelated note: what should I wear to the Eras Tour movie?”
“If my grandmother confessed to murdering my grandfather but it happened in like the eighties, do I have to report it? Hypothetically, of course.”
“Sometimes a man just needs to cry to mirrorball and tolerate it in his car. Sometimes he just needs to scream Death by A Thousand Cuts. Sometimes…”
“I accidentally just called a customer Mom and she gave me her phone number, what do I do?”
“It’s only blasphemy if you get caught. Do you really think God has time to listen to everything every single person says?”
“Sometimes I wish I was a woman but then I remember this is America and I thank the stars that I’m not. Sorry, Maggie.”
“Why is it so hard to find a stupidly rich woman searching for a trophy husband?”
“Do you think I could walk through the carwash instead of taking a shower?”
[after a guy’s day off] “I missed you guys yesterday. I wish I never had to leave.”
“My sister told me I was adopted and my mom got mad because she wasn’t supposed to but like. My parents are white. I’m black. I already knew.”
“I just had a child quote Revelations at me because I told him he shouldn’t drink the glass cleaner.”
“I forgot my shoes. Also, I just stepped in glass in the parking lot, someone should really clean that up.”
“I think everyone should be allowed to kill someone if they have a really good reason. I would kill the guy that called my sister a bitch because she didn’t want to sleep with him. Who would you kill?”
“Is… is that… not… normal?” [hint: it was not.]
“I stand with Sansa - I mean Sophie Turner.”
“I still don’t understand why I’m not allowed to punch customers in the mouth for being assholes to Maggie and Dru.”
“What kind of tree do you think I am?”
“Apparently I was supposed to listen to the new Olivia Rodrigo album with my girlfriend and now she’s upset with me for listening to it with y’all first.”
“Every night, I go to sleep and every morning, I wake up. How do I stop this cycle?”
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i was doing my regular rewatch the other day and tbh... lonnie and will's relationship is so unsettling. lonnie literally did not give a single goddamn fuck that his own twelve year old son was missing and later "dead". he just... did not fucking care! at all. couldn't even pretend to. jonathan comes to tell him what happened and we see that...
lonnie got joyce's call and still didn't care to reach out,
when jonathan tells him this is serious and real, he mocks will by saying "he was never very good at taking care of himself" (which is already disturbing considering this is his son he's talking about, but especially so when you remember that lonnie abused will for being gay and tried to get him to like "masculine" things),
he's already talking to jonathan about seeing him more and reconnecting, like will isn't fucking missing, like he's already fucking dead and he's moved on, as if will is some stranger or worse someone that never existed at all,
instead of feeling any kind of shame about jonathan not believing him when he says will isn't there and him looking in the actual fucking trunk of his car, he just makes a joke out of it asking if jonathan's gonna check up his ass too,
his neglect is brought up again when jonathan slams one of the posters to his chest and tells him "in case you forgot what he looks like",
and that's not even touching on the fact that the very first thing we see lonnie do when jonathan enters the house is fucking shove and pin him to the wall, telling him "you got stronger".
like, he is not a good man in the slightest—the complete antithesis of the byers we know.
and then afterward... lonnie finally decides to come back. he's being nice to joyce and pretending like he's the man of the house again. like he's finally come home to fix and save his family.
he goes to will's funeral and treats it like a schmoozing event, like that isn't his youngest son being buried right in front of him, showing less emotion than one of will's classmates that hasn't ever even talked to him.
but... he's not there because he's had a sudden change of heart.
no, he's there because he has something to gain out of this unimaginable tragedy. his own youngest son is dead and he comes back home to collect a fucking check for it. because he's never cared about will, hasn't ever even seen him as a human being, he just... sees his death as something he can benefit from.
it's just so fucked up and so sinister. lonnie isn't a man riddled with vices, beholden to some disease which makes him act in ways most unbecoming. no, he's... just a man. a small, manipulative, and cruel leech of a man that just doesn't fucking care and is in it only for himself.
it's just... it's really tragic to think that will really was dealing with monsters way before that first demogorgon ever came through the gate.
and even then... that demogorgon was an animal acting as animals do / possessed by vecna and you can't really blame it for that. but what's lonnie's excuse, huh?
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@seasidemew lmao hi I'm bullying ur boy, hope you enjoy
Actions and consequences
Syn turned on his feet as his head craned to look around and admire the vast expanse of the training room, it was large though a bit dull, the floorings and walls and even the ceiling were squared evenly.
"I, expected a bit more than just a room?" He queried glancing at May who shrugged back to him.
"It can be anything anyone wants it's just currently being left as a room," She leant her body backwards avoiding a stray scrap of rock that sank into the flooring by a few inches, there was a loud crash of energy followed by a distressingly loud reverb that shook and vibrated through their bodies, May had to adjust to not be swept over by the sheer force of the energy outburst.
Dark energy collided with bright purples as Darkness and Axel violently physically clashed together, their shoulders ramming into the other with bangs of energy being released by each collision before they rapidly split and repeated. Syn blinked, watching the sheer abundance of energy being released along with all the stray attacks going wild as the two Mewtwo fought trying to defeat the other, his tongue licked his inner lip.
"My, so much power.. What are they fighting over?"
"They're trying to work out who's strongest, Darkness made herself by all means perfect and enhanced herself with synergy crystals as you know while Axel is the first Mewtwo of our world and the beginning of our bloodline so is I suppose he's Darkness' potential in its purest rawest form, no dna damage through cloning or anything, sooo they're duking it out."
Syn hummed watching the fight, not entirely sure who was winning. Sensing more he glanced to the side spotting a familiar red pink hue on a mega Y form mewtwo, they were flying around showing off with tricks away from the fight with arms made of pure stable psychic energy.
"Hey look Auntie Imp I got it!" Syn heard and watched the mega twirl before seeming to teleport with rapid jumps of speed, a mewtwo he'd never seen before sat watching Matt in his foolishness, he watched her clap her hands thin delicate tail swaying as she spoke praises.
"She's not your aunt, there's no genetic relation between you!" Axel hollered in his fight, sending a kick into Darkness' face.
"Fuck youuu an auntie is something spiritual not necessarily related!!" Matt hollered back as he sped jumped about before hitting a wall and hitting the floor with a thud and losing the mega form. Syn couldn't help a slight chuckle as his eyes roamed the unfamiliar two before returning to the active fight at the horrid crunching as Darkness was send slamming into the floor with Axels standing on her back to do so making her body scrape the floor and crunch harder as his weight and psychic force crushed her down.
"Just submit." He pushed down on her harder making something else crunch, Darkness' hands clenched into fists shaking with rage and pain.
"how about," Darkness' hands unclenched resting on the floor of the arena, "NO!" stones erupted from the floor spiking jagged and fast, blood spilt onto her back from Axels side as he shot upwards missing the worst of it but bleeding. With noticeable effort Darkness pulled herself out from the crater made from her impact before shooting after Axel to resume fighting. Syn let out a low whistle as the floor shimmered and returned to its original state.
"You weren't kidding..they're going at it…" Despite not having a need for it he wondered how Axels life would taste, how much energy and power he could rip from his chest. Part gluttony part jealousy as he watched the large two, he moved surprisingly quickly for his size and with surprising agility and flexibility. As Syns' eyes followed trained on Axel he noticed he had a slightly different flying style. It was hard to explain, he moved more effortlessly like he was lighter.
"So, he's like your dad then?" He inquired casually glancing at May for a second before returning to the fight. "I can't see a resemblance."
"Ehhh, I'm like 5 generations down from him lots of dna damage from like being a clone of a clone etcetera so lots of differences have arisen since him to make me how I am, Darkness and Matt are 6 generations down from him," She paused to think counting on her fingers quietly, "I, don't know for sure but I never really saw or heard whisper of my like direct dna parent, I don't think they made it to be honest they just had their dna, maybe stem or sex cells or both or whatever not sure I'm not a scientists but they had stuff taken from them to make me, and well the others that didn't make it…" she quietly shook her head flinching her shoulders at a loud sharp bang of lightning, "Dusty is actually only 3 generations down from him, he's similar to Axel purple and all, his dna wasn't immediately used preserved and made later so technically he's genetically older than us but he's younger. I think he's the only one living from further back in our bloodline, I think the others were terminated or just didn't survive." She watched the fight with quiet concern that they might be going too far with this battle.
"I think someone should stop them.." Syn put out a hand to stop her moving.
"Not letting that someone be you, they're both too high on aggression right now, if someone were to get between them now I think they'd attack them blindly. So no you're not pulling some self sacrificing someone's gotta stop this fighting nonsense because you'll get hurt and then they'll get mad at you for interrupting and getting hurt." May huffed hot air at Syn in mock frustration as she pulled a face making him chuckle. His finger booped her nose softly. "Am I right princess pout or am I right?" May let out a sudden exhale of a laugh.
"Princess pout? I ain't pouting!" She laughed giving him a look that melted into a smile, "but, you're right yea they'd be mad I didn't let them figure it out." Syn chuckled casually wrapping an arm around her shoulders pulling her in to give her a squeeze.
"See I'm learning, getting you all figured out. I'll be able to worm my way into your heart in no time." He casually joked as he felt her leaning against him more.
"Nah you've already done that, and unfortunately for you you can't take this knowledge into different worlds you have to learn it all organically there yourself." Syn snorted and snapped his fingers.
"Damn," and provided a soft shoulder squeeze in play and held May closer at another loud crashing. Looking back to the fight Axel had Darkness rammed into the wall and was flying along keeping her shoved into the barrier at rapid speeds leaving a trench in the foundations till they fixed themselves bits of rubble flying around for emphasis before he made a beeline down still dragging Darkness through the wall essentially before slamming her once more into the floor with enough force to send up a plume of white smoke dust and bits of brick.
Axel landed waiting for the dust to clear before slowly approaching where Darkness lay crumbled.
"Do you yield." Darkness whimpered in response before trying to shove herself back up on trembling limbs. Axel grabbed the middle section of her tail turning on his feet and swinging to slam her back into the wall with a cry of pain before she slid down the wall.
"Do you yield."
Again Darkness did not answer palms pressing down on the rocks strewn about trying to once more press on to fight further. Axel stood on the side of her neck and pushed down with force enough that May and Syn felt the breeze.
"Yield."
Darkness opened her eye around the bruising giving him a defiant glare before her eye looked away closing again.
"I yield.." The words reluctantly left her mouth feeling like poison on her tongue as Axel stepped off her neck, he wrapped one arm around and under the middle of her body carrying her dangling limp form. Syn watched like a hawk as Axel put Darkness down near the other Mewtwo, Imp was it? And Matt, with Imp moving to use some healing moves. Syn tried to wrack his brains as he watched, he couldn't recall a proper full fight with Darkness, usually she avoided conflict, cheated or deferred..
Face pulling into a confident smirk his arm slipped from Mays shoulders as he strode over casually. May blinked in confusion before quickly following.
"What are you doing Syn, what are you thinking?" She already got the horrible feeling he was going to do something stupid. And when he turned to offer her a cocky grin her worries were further confirmed.
Axel regarded them both with his eyes regarding Syn with displeasure and giving May a similar look.
"That was an impressive battle," Syn spoke with sure of himself confidence, "if you're up to the challenge old man I'd like to spar with you." Axel regarded him again his side already healed and bruises and scrapes disappearing with each second, his eyes scanned down at Syn taking in his features lingering on the stone before looking at his face again.
"And why would I waste my time on that." His tone was flat and uninteresting and Syn swallowed awkwardly, having expected him to jump to the challenge.
"Well, we're both powerful individuals, why not settle who's strongest. You've won in your family but what of strangers hmm?" Syn tried to save the conversation. Axel only continued to gaze upon him with disinterest. With a slow thoughtful blink he spoke.
"Fine, but if I win this match you leave here forever gone bye bye." May watched Axel her mouth pulling to the side knowing he didn't have the power or capability to simply make Syn leave permanently as that decision was out of his hands controlled by a higher power. Axel extended his hand to shake on the bet. Syn considered before grinning.
"Alright, but if I win you join me in my corruption accepting a shard of my crystal and submitting beneath me." Mays brows fell into an unamused look as she glanced between the two idiots knowing once more he did not have the power to cause such an event and that just because he corrupted someone it didn't mean they'd submit. She exhaled a sigh through her nose watching the two men eyeing each other up making a bet neither could keep as Syn took Axels hand giving it a firm shake to cement the deal.
Axels grip did not release as Syn attempted to pull his hand back from the shake, Syn didn't have time to react as Axels grip turned tight and vice like and in a mere blink Axel adjusted his feet throwing Syn up over his head using psychic energy for lifting before slamming him down harshly into the floor with the psychic energy also dragging him down creating an immediate mini crater and gust of displaced air.
Syn groaned quietly, wrinkling his face as he opened his eyes to snarl at Axel before all he could feel was pain. Crackling sprawling crawling green energy shot through Axels hand directly into Syns, the erratic green sparks covering his body fully ripping through his skin easily tearing him open all over, he felt like he was being bitten into and chewed and eaten alive, as his energy was rapidly drained. He was bordering on unconscious when he finally registered that the attack pain had stopped, his body burned and itched and ached all over though, fizzles and smoke raised off his body as Axel let go of his hand causing his body to slump, no longer held up.
"Sorry Pretty boy. You lose." From the sidelines Matt blinked muttering to himself 'oh I see where I get it from then.'
"Axel you fucking cheated!" Mays voice was a thundering uproar, her tone raw with anger and displeasure.
"We made our bet, shook on it and the battle started. He should've been more prepared." Axel didn't look at her as she rushed to Syns side softer glistening green energy leaving her hands to start healing his many wounds and recuperate his health.
"You know damn well that is not how a mutually agreed sparring match goes! It'd start when someone announced the battle begins, what you did was tricksy and cowardly!"
Axel scoffed, "it doesn't matter anyways, we had a fight he lost so now he has to leave, I'm sure you'll find someone in equally bad taste to disappoint me with later."
"What. You think I care about Syn out of pettiness towards you?!" her tone was a snarl as Syn stabilized his wounds fully healed, she gently caressed his cheek before standing, "I care about him for a multitude of reasons but not FUCKING one of them has anything to do with you. But you know what?! All or nothing, if you win I'll never interact with him ever again."
Axel turned his head to regard May standing in all her 5'4 fury with an expression that showed he didn't take if seriously.
"Oh? Alright then, and what if you win by some miracle huh? What do you get out of this battle, or has little May not thought about that because she doesn't think ahead about these things when it involves something for herself because she's full of self loathing hmm?" his tone was casual and mocking, as May met his gaze with steely cold glare.
"I see where Matt gets it from then." Axel smirked with an exhale of a chuckle as he looked down on her offering his hand out to shake with such unwavering confidence and smugness as though expecting her to take it despite witnessing the trick he pulled on Syn as though expecting her to be that stupid and trusting.
May slapped away his hand with the back of hers as her other fist sporting a darkened shadow claw punched straight into the soft flesh of his stomach, he barely managed a grunt before the shadow energy exploded out across his whole body like lightning and he screamed.
Shadows ripped through his muscles into his bones causing breaks and tears, sapping his life energy as it rapidly damaged him all over his flesh being seared by zigzagging shadows and losing pigmentation as his physical form and structure began to distort in its destruction. And all he could do was scream.
May pulled her claw slick with his blood out from his body not regarding him as he collapsed simply flicking his blood away as her claw vanished moving instead to Syn who was seeming a bit more conscious. She gently pulled his arms to pull him into a sit and using his arm she adjusted pulling him up onto her shoulders like a fireman carry as he made a soft gasp and disorientated giggle at being lifted and carried.
"I'm going to get Syn seen too." As she turned and left impressively carrying the still slightly limp Syn who clumsily attempted to wrap his arms around her to hold on his tail curling around her waist as he made vocalizations and purrs. Darkness looked at the mess that was Axel on the floor, breathing but barely and was glad in this place death wasn't truly possible and that he'd recover.
"Get dunked onnn!" Matt made a hand gesture as though dunking a basketball one handed.
"Matt you're fucking 5 stop making undertale references."
Imp blinked as the siblings argued, 'It's a classic!', 'it's inappropriate!' Moving to help Axel where he lay on the floor looking mighty sorry for himself.
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