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#my gender is leaning more and more evil clown by the day
starlightanddragons · 3 years
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the amount of revelation that came with the realization that the reason i adore the master so much is because i get gender envy from every incarnation
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make-me-imagine · 4 years
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🦇 13 Days of Halloween: Day 2
🦇  << With appearance from Gary. (if you know, you know)
Prompts: “I think that scarecrow just moved” and “I’m not a witch” 
Requested by: ‘Jay’
Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader + Dean, Platonic
Gender: Neutral        Words: 2,823
Triggers: Mentions of death, victims, fighting, injuries, choking (not the kinky kind), etc, typical Spn stuff. 
Supernatural Tag list: @kaashi​ ; if you’d like to added let me know!
Notes: Ranking of Halloween theme = 6/10; takes place during Halloween, but not necessarily Halloween specific. Just kind of spooky lol. 
If you’d like to check out 2019 and 2018′s 13 Days of Halloween, as well as my 2017 general Halloween/Fall stuff here are the links: x2017x, x2018x & x2019x
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“Why are there always so many more cases during Halloween?” Dean asked, annoyance in his voice as he looked at the news report of the most recent case you took up “I mean, this is like the fourth one this month” 
“I’m assuming it’s because monsters can blend in more during this time” you said casually as you looked over a case-file.
“Y/n’s right” Sam agreed
“Yeah, well it’s annoying as hell, we need a break” Dean sighed as he stood up, walking to the kitchen “We’ll leave in an hour” he stopped at the kitchen turning back “Lets hope this one doesn’t involve any clowns huh Sammy?” he asked, smirk evident.
You looked at Sam just in time to see him try and hide the fear that crossed his face as he cleared his throat, trying to ignore Deans comment. You smiled, reaching out your foot and tapping his, gaining his attention “You know he’s just teasing you”. He just nodded, trying to smile at you. 
-
As you arrived at the most recent crime scene, you looked around as Sam and Dean talked to the police. Looking at the area where the most recent victim was found, you frowned as you noticed an unusual amount of straw littering the parking lot. You noted it in the back of your mind, though you knew it could be nothing, possibly just where a hay truck could have stopped. 
“Hey” You turned seeing your boyfriend approaching you “Anything?”
“Not really, an unusual amount of straw, but it could be nothing. You?” 
Sam glanced at the straw littering the lot “Hmm. Uh, not much unfortunately, the security cameras blanked just before the crime and came back on afterwards.”
“Seems like a bit more than a coincidence” Sam hummed in agreement.
-
After a long day of interviews and research, you found out there had been a similar string of deaths the previous two years during the same time, twelve deaths each year, the final taking place on Halloween night. On your current case there were five known deaths, and one missing person. 
The three of you had also found out that all of the recent victims had all visited the same farm over the last week and a half. Which you were now on your way to visit. 
“The connection to the farm might explain the straw at the crime scene” you thought out loud at you pulled off the side of the road, near the farm.
“So, crazy farmer?” Dean suggested as he and Sam got out of the car.
“Might not be a monster at all” Sam said as he opened the door for you.
 “Human or monster, they still killed four people” you said.
Approaching the farm, the sun was getting lower in the sky as it reached early evening, the farm house was old and falling apart. Around the property you saw various pinned up old scarecrows in each field, as well as old Halloween decorations littering the pathways. 
All three of you carefully scanned the area, the overgrown fields baring no vegetables, a tall overgrown wheat field that clearly had not been harvested in a long time. “Not much of a farm. No vegetables, no animals. Why would anyone visit it?” you observed. 
“Good question, let’s ask her” Dean commented, gaining both yours and Sam’s attention. Following Deans gaze you see a middle-aged woman with curly hair sitting on the porch. She’s already staring at you as she rocks back and fourth in her wooden rocking chair. 
“Welcome!” she called out as you approached. 
“Ma’am” Sam greeted as you walked up the porch steps, all three of you taking out your fake badges “We hope we’re not disturbing you but we are investigating the recent deaths in town, as well as the most recent missing persons case, and we found out that all of the victims had visited this farm and we thought you might have some information for us”
“Oh is that so?” she asked, surprise in her voice “Well, I get a lot of visitors but I do remember faces fairly well, so if you have photos?”
“What exactly do your...visitors come here for if not the farm?” you asked, gesturing to the barren fields.
“Oh, no, that farm hasn’t grown profit since my husband died last year. I’m an apothecary” she smiled.
“Like a witch?” Dean blurted out, making you and Sam give him the side-eye “Uh, I mean no offense in that, I just mean, don’t apothecaries sell...potions?”
She laughed “No no, not potions, just...herbs, soups, and medicine that some might see as potions, or ingredients for medicines and other uses, but -” she laughed before her eyes locked with Deans “I’m not a witch” she smiled, though, there was something behind her eyes you could quite place. You just knew it gave all of you an uneasy feeling. 
“Right, of course not ma’am” Sam recovered before taking photos out of his pockets “These are the victims, do you recognize them?”
She looked at the photos for a few moments humming to herself “Yes, I recognize all of these people, he, I believe” she pointed at one of the victims “Bought medicinal herbs for tea, I believe he said he had a bad cough, and the others just bought various teas and herbs, if I am remembering correctly that is” she smiled before leaning back in her chair.
“And what about this woman?” you asked showing her a photo of the most recent person who went missing.
“No, no I don’t know her” she shrugged looking back up at you “I’m sorry I cannot be of more help”
“Thank you ma’am, if you have anymore information or questions please contact us” Dean said, handing her a card, which she took with a smile.
“Have a lovely day you three” she said with a smile as you left.
When you got closer to the car Dean glanced back at the farm, the woman was now gone “I don’t know about you two but she gave me the creeps. We should come back this evening, check out the farm” You and Sam agreed as you drove off to kill some time.
-
As the sun set and it got dark, you, Sam, and Dean snuck back on the farm, wanting to check out the nearby stables and work sheds. After having done more research on the farms owner, whose name you found out was Regina Stormson, you grew more suspicious, for two reasons. One, her husband died like she said, but his death turned out to be quite similar to the recent deaths, and occurred at the same time as the deaths the previous year. And two, she was apparently eighty-seven years old, which was unusual seeing as she looked no older than forty. 
As you got prepared by the Impala, sticking a spare knife in your belt Sam stepped over to you “Are you warm enough?” he asked eyeing your thin jacket. 
You smiled at him “I’m fine Sam” 
He nodded “Remember to be careful and call out for me if anything happens”
You chuckled quietly “You know I have been a hunter for a few years now Sam”
He smiled at his own protectiveness “Yeah, yeah I know, I just worry”
“Yes, you do, and it’s sweet” you smiled before pressing a quick kiss to his lips before you all headed toward the farm. 
-
Sneaking past the main house, you made your way into the first barn. Looking around, the barn was full of hanging herbs, flowers, and small fabric bags, that looked remarkably like hex bags. 
Dean fiddled with one in his hand “Not a witch my ass” he scoffed. “So what are we thinking? Twelve sacrifices around Halloween every year to stay young?”
“Sounds logical enough, and definitely like something an evil witch would do” you muttered as you looked at a small bladed tool on a table “And it might be thirteen deaths if her husband counts as a sacrifice”
“Maybe he got in the way, or found out what she was doing” Sam suggested.
You walked over to the doorway, your eyes scanning the outside fields, your eyes double taking to movement from the corner of your eye. Eyeing a scarecrow on its post and seeing no more movement, you turned away, thinking it must have been a bird that moved.
Making your way to the stables, it was no surprise when you found the body of the most recent missing person. Dean sighed as he finished checking their pulse, they were dead. 
“Okay, lets get to the farmhouse and finish this”
Standing in the doorway, you hear a sound behind you. Turning quickly you see the same scarecrow from before, only this time, it was now facing you, rather than facing the farm as it had been before.
“Guys” you said, your heart pounding. There was fear evident in your voice as the boys turned to you, seeing you staring out at the field “I think that scarecrow just moved” 
Sam and Dean shared a confused and somewhat frightened look as they appeared at your side, eyeing the scarecrow “How do you know?”
“It wasn’t facing us before” you said “I know it wasn’t” 
Sam’s hand found it’s way to your back “Lets head back to the house now”
You and Dean nodded as you left the barn, all of you keeping an eye on the scarecrow. You took your eyes away as you scanned the rest of the farm before stopping suddenly when you notice something.
“What is it Y/n?” Sam asked as his hand found it’s way back to your back like before. 
“When we were here earlier, I noticed that there was a scarecrow in every field. Now there isn’t” you observed.
The boys looked around, there eyes grazing over each field. Four fields in front of you, two scarecrows missing. Hearing rusting and a snapping sound the three of you spun around, finding the previous scarecrow now missing. Five fields total, three scarecrows missing. 
“Go” Dean said as he pushed you and Sam towards the house. 
You all took out your weapons, as you quickly made your way towards the farmhouse. Looking at the distant house, you could see a shadow in the window, a figure watching you from the window. She knows you’re here.
Hearing more rustling and snapping, you turn just in time to see the final two scarecrows dropping from their posts with thuds. Turning past a barn you all stop in your tracks, two tall slumped over scarecrows blocking your path. You raise your guns, all of you knowing they probably wouldn’t do anything.
“We need to get to the witch” you spoke quietly, just as you did, both you and Sam felt something grab your shoulders as something pulled you back, both of you being thrown to the ground roughly by two more scarecrows.
Dean fired his guns at them, the bullets having no effect as they passed through the straw bodies. The two scarecrows from before grabbed onto Dean. Fighting the scarecrows, you and Sam pulled away from the two that attacked you.
Turning, you see that Dean managed to push away the two scarecrows that attacked him “Go!” you yelled at Dean as the scarecrows blocked yours and Sams path. 
Dean hesitated for a moment before he turned, and running for the farmhouse, knowing he had to get to the witch. Before the two scarecrows could chase after him, you shot at them, to gain their attention. 
Turning towards you, the four scarecrows now surrounded you and Sam as you tried to fight back, your knives and guns doing nothing to wound them. Instead, you reached into the exposed straw body of one of the scarecrows, deciding if anything, to tear it apart.
But the witches spell made them strong. Which you found out as a scratchy wood and straw hand wrapped around your throat lifting you off the ground.
“Y/n!” Sam called as he struggled to get to you, three of the scarecrows attempting to pin him to the ground. 
You scratched at the figure, knowing you couldn’t hurt it, as you struggled to breath you remembered you had a lighter in your pocket. Reaching into your pocket, choking for air, you managed to pull the lighter out, shoving your hand inside of the scarecrows body, you lit the lighter, failing the first few times.
The grip around your throat lightened when a bright light grew from inside of the scarecrow as you managed to light it on fire. As the fire grew the scarecrow lost strength, letting you go. You gasped for air as you rose, running over to Sam. Jumping on one of the scarecrows back as the continued to punch and hit Sam, you lit it’s cloth casing on fire as it began to burn.
As it quickly burned, losing whatever strength it had in it, Sam, understanding, took a lighter out of his pocket. The scarecrows however, seemed to have some form of consciousness, as they grabbed his arms, stopping him from lighting them on fire. 
Just as you were about to help him, you felt something grab your arm, flinging you into the barn, throwing you through the barn doors and inside. You heard Sam yell our for you between grunts as the two scarecrows left continued to attack him. 
Looking up, you see it’s the first scarecrow you noticed, it was also bigger than the others. You cursed yourself, knowing you had dropped your lighter when you were thrown. You looked around, standing and grabbing a pitchfork, lunging it into the scarecrows body to hold it back.
The scarecrow continued to step forward, the metal forks going through it’s body along with the rest of the pitchfork. You let go before kicking it back with your foot and running toward the doorway. 
The scarecrow was fast as it reached out grabbing your shirt and pulling you back towards it. Flinging you into the wall again, various metal tools fell off the wall and onto you. Looking back at the scarecrow you see it lifting the pitchfork, ready to stab you.
Rolling out of the way as the pitchfork is stabbed into the ground, you move to run, but instead the scarecrow grabs your foot, dragging you back. You grunted in frustration as you turned and kicked at it again, grabbing a nearby wrench and throwing it, knowing it would do nothing. 
The scarecrow began lifting you off the ground by your ankle as you struggled against it’s grip. You could hear Sam calling from outside as he still struggled with the other two scarecrows. 
Your body turned enough so that you were now facing the scarecrow. You looked into it’s blank face just in time to see it raise it’s other hand, inside of it’s grip was a small hand scythe. Your eyes widened knowing it was going to plunge it into your body.
As it rose it’s hand you closed you eyes, calling out desperately “Sam!”
Just then, Sam burst through the barn doors, seeing the scarecrow holding you up by your leg, ready to plunge the blade into your body.
“No!” he yelled as he moved forward, knowing he wasn’t going to make it, as the scarecrow finished raising his hand.
Just as the scarecrow was about to bring down it’s hand, you heard the sound of distant gunshots, coming from the farmhouse. The scarecrows hand froze, and suddenly it’s whole body went limp, both you and the scarecrow falling to the ground. 
You grunted at the impact as Sam made it to you, quickly pulling you away from the scarecrow and into his lap. As you sat up, you eyed the now lifeless scarecrow. Letting out a sigh you leaned your head back onto Sams chest as he ran his hand over you head, sighing out in relief as well.  
A moment passes before you heard Dean calling out as he ran towards the barn. He appeared in the doorway, his eyes scanning over the still burning bodies of the scarecrows you and Sam had killed. He walked into the barn, seeing you and Sam, along with the limp scarecrow body in front of you. He looked at Sam before nodding his head in assurance that it was over.
Rising from the ground you groaned in pain from having been thrown around, Sam had some cuts and scratches, both of you would definitely have some bruises later. Dean got some scratches and small bumps from his scuffle with the witch. But you were relieved you were all alright.
As you slowly made your way out of the barn and back towards the impala you sighed “I never liked scarecrows, they’ve always been creepy”
Dean chuckled as Sam wrapped his arm around your waist before commenting “They’re still not as bad as clowns though”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
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pbscore · 4 years
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Anyways...
In the wake of this whole JK Rowling bullshit (cuz that’s all it is lol just more transphobic, ‘woe is me, I’m a white woman uwu’ bullshit), I just wanna make it clear that we don’t tolerate ANY trans-exclusionary radical feminist, ‘gender critical’, or ‘lesbian separatist’ rhetoric on this here blog.
The moment you start spouting regular transphobic drivel and start to insinuate that trans women are all ‘eViL MaLeS’ who are ready to attack ‘ReAl WoMbYn uwu’, I’m blocking your clown ass, on sight. I also won’t even engage with your ‘opinion’ and give you the time of day to spout your bullshit on my blog.
And I think more people who claim to be ‘anti-TERF’ need to be more militant about blocking and de-platforming these transphobes, instead of trying to ‘own them’ on a post. They don’t care whether they ‘look’ like they’re in the right or not! TERFs care about having ANY platform to spread their ideals, which is why ‘debating’ them will get you nowhere.
You really do have to treat them like die-hard Trump supporters or other obvious bigots and stop giving them a chance to spread heir opinions on your blog, even if you’re proving them wrong. Like I said, they’re ‘goal’ is never to actually engage in a fair argument with you. They’re goal is to have people, especially well-intentioned people who are supportive of trans women, spread their ideas enough to where more vulnerable groups will absorb and consider their view point (their targets often being young wlw who are lesbians or bisexual and trans men/nonbinary people, who often lean hard into truscum/transmed territory).
I don’t care if a TERF is also a part of other minority categories such as being black, indigenous, disabled, ‘nonbinary/trans’, mentally ill, etc.
They’re ‘opinions’ and ‘facts’ are often wrong or twisted to fit their narrative and they use other minority identities as a way to ‘prove’ that their opinions are correct way too often. Like, I just saw a post where a TERF got an ask about why she’s a ‘lesbian separatist’ and she immediately used racism as a reason, while completely missing just how racist and Western-centric her own trans exclusionary rhetoric is. She also used the tried and true, old TERF fear-mongering tactic, which is heavily insinuating that the overall LGBTQ+ community ‘only hates lesbians uwu’ and that we’re somehow ‘forcing’ lesbians to accept ‘males’ into their sex lives which...is obviously never the case but that’s what I mean by TERFs twisting the narrative to make people more sympathetic towards their bigotry.
Y’all please, DO BETTER AND STOP PLATFORMING TERFS AND OTHER BLATANT TRANSPHOBES!
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selftranszendence · 7 years
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FeMale?
I never knew what to do with my femininity.
I know I am not the only one.
Recently those topics have come back with greater force and I am trying to make sense of it all. Actually I have a lot of other shit to do but this, well, issues, they won't let me. They've nested in the back of my head and don't shut up, they are influencing me constantly towards the wrong decisions.
Those include: Unhealthy food choices, 'hyper-masculine' behaviour that leads to over-excersion, inability to cater to myself or to take part in activities I could like but feel like I am not allowed to take part in. I've lost track of what I want, I often feel like a failure, pressured, petrified.
Next thing: No, I am not trans. This is something that bugs me extremely about this website: Feeling uncomfortable with your gender does not mean you are trans, non-binary or whatever. I never doubted that I am a woman – I just hated it. I never thought that I am a man in a woman's body. If you scan my brain, you won't find the brainstructure that makes a person to identify as a man. It's a woman's brain, I share „typical“ feminine qualities, of which I've learned to cherish at least some, as for example high empathy and a knack for diplomacy.
So what is the problem?
I feel like a feminine failure. I never wanted to be „a girl“. I started to associate girls with extremely negative experiences, due to mobbing. Everything girly, like dresses, skirts, hobbies like horse-riding oder ballet became the epitome of evil. I cut my hair short. I took part in aggressive sports. I hated my body when my period started, hated it when fat started building up on my body.
But on the other hand I always wanted to be beautiful, I wanted long, lucious hair, perfect skin, nice clothes, wanted to be all smiles and sweetness.
I never managed to be fully tomboy or girly because none felt right. Sometimes I feel like a fucking ugly woman that feels the need to dress manly in order to appear tough and like she doesn't care. But I do. And I hate that.
Sometimes I want to dress femine but feel like I am in disguise. Recently there was this situation: We were taking familiy photographs (don't get me started on photos) and one was with all women and the photographer asked us to make a ladylike posture. I've seldom felt more uncomfortable in my life. That day I had bad skin, I was tired, I felt like a fat wale and in no way able to act feminine. When I feel ugly I tend to act more manly, and in the process feel less like being ugly is an unforgivable mistake I am personally responsible for. Still there is a numbeness left, a feeling that acutally this is not what I want. But when I act femine I feel like a clown. A man or a butch does not need to be pretty. I tell myself that I have other qualities. That I am smart. But to be honest? I could do so much more if I wasn't criplled by those harmful thougts.
Another thing: I eat so much unhealthy shit. My body doesn't grow fat in the medical sense, but too fat for my liking. I'd like to be tall, without many curves, so I could pass as a sophisticated woman or a pretty boy. But I am rather small, not yet chubby but with heavy, feminine legs. Those hips that are so good to birth the children I never want to have because the thought alone horrifies me. I eat because I am stressed, because I don't like the body I live in and it gets worse with every bite. I'd like to be sportive and lean but I somehow can't start because on the one hand I'd like a fit body with muscle, but than again I'd like to be like a petite dancer, to finally look I girl. And in that case I mean girl, not woman. I want to hide, either between the shell of the soldier-woman, no man wants to touch, or the virgin, he does want to touch but never would, because that would meen to sully us both. 
I want those nights with other girls, where you drink girly drinks, when you go out in pretty dresses and talk about boys. About dancing and beauty secrets. All cliche, I know. Also all things, I forced myself to hate because they made me afraid. Being a girl meant being weak, being superficial. I never understood the power in embracing that. I still struggle with it.
When I hang out with men I feel the need to drink more than them, to be tougher, to show them they can't mess with me. But I also want them to desire me, to charm them, to be the woman they dream of. And then I hate that. That is not what women are here for. Being concerned about being pretty or men liking you is weak.
You get the drift? I want to embrace being a woman, but I can't stop thinking in gender roles.
I can't accept that I can be a mix of both – like most people are. Soemtimes I think those men that say that it is just natural that woman are soft and beautiful are right and that I just don't manage to be a good woman. That I am a failure. I am also very bad at being manly because I associate it with things as physical strength and being good at maths – I am not that strong, I am more of a language person. I am a failure at being masculine. I constantly feel judged, be it by men or women.
Over the last years I did at least manage to stop hating on other girls. I like them a lot, have even more female friends than male friends. I am able to accept a certain interest in make up, clothing and the colour pink on my side. I always combine female and male aspects in my fashion. Sometimes that works for me, sometimes it feels like a lie.
I am stuck. For me there is only the femme fatale or the princess on one side and the tomboy and the butch on the other. Both I think have to be thin and perfect. Uglyness is not allowed in any case, though the beautystandards are different for both sides. I don't manage to fit any of them. I am a nothing in between.
I have no identity disorder. Society has just thouroughly fucked with my brain.
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