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#my girlfriend lives there.. because its not as conservative.. because its easier to be gay or trans or gnc there
starspaceace · 7 months
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being on vacation with my dad has reminded me why i went a period of time no contact with him like. my brother put it like he’s 50 and like a libertarian which is kinda cringe get a real opinion old man. i’m going to rant because i need to write shit down
i kinda need to rant a bit like. i went no contact for a while over an argument with my brother living with him and him treating my brother like shit while that was happening but honestly i haven’t gone more than a day with my dad since i was 16 because when i was 16 i could just drive myself back to my moms house instead of doing like the weekend visits and getting into arguments every weekend but im on a week vacation with them right now
my stepmom saw that i like don’t shave my legs and wear clothes from the mens section so she’s like ‘well if there’s anything you want to tell us we support you :)’ which is. kinda funny in itself assigned gay by hairy legs but im like ok easy opportunity i guess to go well is this a gender question? they know im gay but this is a different thing im like sure non binary im not like a man but woman isn’t right yknow and she’s like well we support you :) but she i guess she tells my dad? and since that he’s upped like the “well you’re always going to be dad’s little princess” like thats a thing he’s always done (which has been and would still be annoying as someone who still identified really female. my brother doesn’t get that treatment yknow?) but it feels more. bad. also my brother and his girlfriend call me carl as a nickname for carley and my dad was weird about that like ‘her name is carley! tell them to stop calling you carl’ and asked if i would change my name to something else. like. its just a nickname even if i would change my name it wouldn’t be to carl. carl is a fine nickname until im one of them they/thems? there was also some weird comment at one point about how everyone’s bisexual now (which? my brother is just a straight man so its not even like we’re both gay its literally just me) (should’ve picked an easier to nickname name all carley gets is carl sometimes) my brothers girlfriend is with us and put it well like my stepmom just enables my dad. idk
like i told my brother its so hard to misgender me but my dad’s managed to do it somehow. like i know i see myself nonbinary but im short and fat and my voice is feminine so im just going to be perceived female? i still use she/her pronouns so like. whatever. its a thing i’ve accepted about myself but as long as i feel good about myself generally it doesn’t matter. my brother said it didn’t seem like it’s purposefully malicious but its still. something. im not sure what kind of word im looking for it. i think its just disappointing. im just wondering if they’d be like this about me being gay if i actually was like. dating. if i was “/really/“ gay instead of theoretically gay or gone on a date with one girl once gay. but since im like here and queer! im not queer in an acceptable way anymore?
in related issues my dad has like a lot of opinions but like no fucking opinion at all on anything like ? all politicians are corrupt but also socialism is bad (not exact words but like. the gist. food stamps welfare etc etc ) vaguely racist ideas (ie easily deniable, not sure he even realizes the things he’s saying are such) and throwing out weird buzzwords. called the backseat of us in the car millennials when we’re pretty solid gen z (like does he not realize he’s? like 7 years older than the oldest millennial? not far from that man you’re gen x). like if you’re going to be conservative just commit instead of pretending you’re not
my brother has been really great to be with through this experience of dealing with our dad tho in both making fun of his opinions and my gender stuff. making sure he’s not misgendering me (like asked if id rather he said sibling, i think im still ok with sister. or like my pronouns) we’re funny about it tho he said if i changed my name it should be to wolfgang or maybe pull a power move and just change it to his name and we have to fight over it. been making me feel better about everything instead of being bummed out about everything.
anyways my brother was playing our beach playlist we made and he put on one mcr song we put on there and my stepmom was like well carley can have one song but this isn’t my cup of tea but we’ll listen to it for her and i texted my brother like damn i can’t even have my gay song. they also hated on international love by pit bull so maybe they’re just haters. it’s tuesday and we’re here until saturday morning and my dads birthday is tomorrow so here’s hoping to uh. nothing eventful. worst case we drove here seperately and leave :P
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bbeelzemon · 3 years
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on the one hand im glad ny dad hasnt Talked To Me Yet about me moving out, because, ugh, but on the other hand, the longer he Doesnt talk to me about it, the more i dread how that conversation is going to end up going. like, lets just get this over with already okayyy
#i dont care in the end what he thinks because i can resort to leaving during the day while hes at work or something#but its also like...#is he gonna interrogate me on why of all places i picked washington?#like no matter what angle i go for it doesnt Look Good for me LOL#my girlfriend lives there.. because its not as conservative.. because its easier to be gay or trans or gnc there#like uhhh all of those are going to be Wrong Answers for him i think LOL#but ugh... like theres no way the conversation would turn out Swell And Fine but also its just like. lets get this over with#so i can at least have closure on which kind of awful its gonna be LOL#i am under the impression though that hes kinda just. ignoring it and hoping it goes away#he hasnt said a WORD since mom told him i think exactly a week ago#the extent of his reaction so far as i heard through mom is:#'but its so far away and theyve never been on their own' 'im worried [rosie] was Afraid to tell me directly' (that one is true LOL)#and besides that? a mopey silence that he gets when hes deep in thought while upset lmfao. which is surprisingly often -_-'#but then yeah he came home and just... never spoke of it#part of me definitely wonders if hes like. in denial or even totally forgotten by now. or even If I Dont Talk About It Then It Wont Happen#but yeah... im just like... either say something or dont bro#i mean logically hes probably too mentally preoccupied with my grandmother to Think About It#(mentally preoccupied because he isnt actually really helping much physically LOL)#but uh yeah how long is it gonna be. when she dies? after the funeral? a month later?#theres only 3 and a half months until august so i mean. he doesnt have a Ton of time to bring up his grievances#especially if we have the chance to move Before august hehe...#i also wonder how my brother is gonna take it. im not worried about him in the way i am with my dad#but hes probably going to be embarrassed that im moving out cross-country while hes 5 years older than me w no savings. last one at home et#its not Really my problem but i Do feel bad for him LOL. like i dont even know how to broach the subject#but whatever thats like the part of these next 3 or so months that im worried about the least. hes fine#i want my dad to hurry up and talk it out tho. so i can stop wondering every time he starts talking to me 'oh is he bringing it up Now?' et#like if ur gonna make it Weird then just fuckin make it weird already...#my move is happening regardless of whatever he says or thinks. but id like to know for MY sake#if im gonna have to like. Just Leave. or if he can help me get my license b4 i leave#or if he'll be nice enough to net that i can at least let my mom meet them for like. an afternoon. i dunno
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butchdaydreams · 5 years
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1-90
1. How many people have you had sex with?- Exactly one 
2. Can you remember the names of everyone you’ve slept with?-Because I have slept with exactly one person, I can very easily remember all of their names :)
3. With whom did you first do the sexytimes? Was it good?- My first time was with my girlfriend at the time and it was just… okay I guess
4. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?- Probably my last time which was an hour and a half long edging session 
5. What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?- Definitely my first time
6. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?- I think I’ve only ever had sex in a bed which is real wild of me I know 
7. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve masturbated?- Probably in the forest while lying in a hammock
8. Have you ever been caught doing the sexytimes?- Yeah, two or three times actually. We were really bad at remembering to lock the door and her roommate would just walk in. By the end of it, she was just completely unfazed
9. If you masturbate, when did you start, and how?- I think I started kinda young, like 8th grade or so but I don’t really remember how, just that it was about the age I remember it
10. Have you ever been caught masturbating?- Yeah, once or twice but I always had my laptop open and covers over me so I just pretended like I was doing homework and no questions were ever asked
11. How would you describe your sexuality using only adjectives (describing words–busy, fluffy, squishy, etc.)?- Tacky 
12. Have you ever been in a queer relationship?- Just one
13. Have you ever been in a straight relationship?- Oh no 
14. How and when did you realize you weren’t straight?- I think it dawned on me in 7th grade when I realized that straight girls aren’t supposed to look at other girls butts, but I didn’t know that being gay was a thing until 10th grade 
15. Are you out to everyone you know?- Most everyone at school can tell because I’m a butch and thats pretty obvious, but somehow my parents still dont know
16. Where do you meet queer folks to date? Do you find it difficult?- I live in a small conservative town so it can be pretty hard to find a date. My one girlfriend was a friend of a friend that I met over the summer and she just happened to be one of the few gays in town
17. If your parents know about your sexuality, how did they react?- They don’t and I think they are in denial
18. Does your best friend know about your sexuality? How did they react?- She reacted by ceasing all contact and refusing to look at me to this day despite seeing me around campus sometimes
19. Describe your first queer kiss.- It was after the night of my first date and I was too nervous to kiss her so she had to kiss me, except I was so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling and she ended up kissing my teeth and I completely forgot to kiss her back
20. What’s the queerest shit you’ve ever done?- I’m pretty sure having literal gay sex is probably the gayest thing I’ve done
21. Are you happy with your body?- Now that I can present the way I want I’m very happy with my body  
22. What’s the raddest part of your bod, and why?- I love my legs because they are kinda muscular, and my rib area is also really attractive 
23. What do you do with your body hair (pubes, underarms, legs, etc.)?- Pretty much nothing, I’m boring and lazy
24. Do you have stretch marks? Where?- I have a lot of stretch marks because of my Elhers-Danlos syndrome, and they are basically everywhere. Tummy, hips, legs, arms, chest, back
25. Describe your nipples in too much detail.- One is an innie and one is an outie which is kinda cool
26. (Vagina-owners) Do you have an “innie” (small, tucked-in inner labia), or an “outie” (more visible/larger inner labia)?- Its asymmetrical so both
27. (Vagina-owners) Is it very obvious when you’re turned on (swelling, wetness etc.)?- Oh yes, I am a literal river when I am turned on
30. (Breast-owners) How does the size of your breasts compare? Is one bigger than the other?- I’m a 34D so I’m not sure what that means in comparison to other people 
31. Describe your most unusual/taboo fantasy.- I want to edge and then deny a girl for like 3 days in a row before finally giving her what she wants
32. Do you fantasize more about real situations, or imaginary/impossible ones?- Real ones because I like to believe that its actually a thing that could happen to me while I do it. It makes it seem more like something that could actually be happening in the moment which is what I’m after when I fantasize 
33. Who’s the oddest person you’ve fantasized about? Mostly its just faceless, generic people
34. Do you ever find yourself fantasizing absent-mindedly, or is it something you do on purpose?- I do both, sometimes I want to set it up in my mind and other times it just happens
35. Do you always fantasize while you masturbate?- Not always but more often then not I do. I’ve never been a fan of visual porn because it all seems so unrealistic, especially the lesbian stuff, so I just make up what I want in my mind
36. When you fantasize, does it usually lead to masturbation?- No, I like to wind myself up and turn myself on and then deny myself the release. Its a fun game I play with myself
37. Have you ever had sex with someone while fantasizing about someone else?- I have not, when having sex I definitely stay in the moment and don’t fantasize 
38. Do you have any celebrity crushes that you fantasize about?- I’ve never been one for celebrities 
39. Have you ever fantasized about something by accident, and felt weird about it after?- I don’t think so, I’ve never really felt bad about a fantasy
40. Describe your most sexy fantasy.- I’ll just go with my most common one because thats what I can think of at the moment. It usually starts with us getting back to my room, and as soon as the door closes I flip her around and push her up against it to kiss her, my hands sliding under her shirt to grab at her hips and waist. When my thigh slides between her legs she lets out the smallest sigh and whimper, but she needs more and her hands find their way up my shirt, drawing her nails across my back. At this, one of my hands find my way into her hair and pull her head back so that my mouth can reach her neck. I attack her neck until she gets a little louder with her sighs and whimpers, knowing that she is having a hard time holding them back. 
I don’t want her to hold them back, I want to hear every ounce of pleasure I am giving her, so this is when I remove my knee and replace it with my hand. I don’t move it, and she sits for a second motionless before grinding down on my hand, desperate to get some sort of feeling through the fabric of both her underwear and her jeans. She can’t though, and it’s not enough, so she pushes me away for a second and fumbles with the button on her jeans, eventually kicking them to the floor before grabbing by hand and forcing it back between her legs. 
I want her to want me. I want her to want me and beg for me so I tease her. I keep my movements soft and light over the fabric of her underwear. I relish in the feeling of how wet she is for me and only me. I relish in the sound of her light whining because she wants more, so much more, but I just want to remember the moment and make it last and draw out every feeling of desire and pleasure she is having so that she can feel good for as long as possible. But I am nice too, and I can tell she needs more and she can’t take take this much longer so I move the fabric of her underwear to the side…
And thats all I will give you of that fantasy unless you ask for more :)
41. How do you feel about BDSM?- I’m okay with some things but I’m also very mild mannered to begin with so some like violent things are a pass for me
42. What’s your most unusual kink?- I really……. really like edging and denial 
43. In an SM context, do you prefer giving pain, or receiving it?- Probably receiving because again, I am a mild person  
44. Do you consider yourself to be dominant, submissive, both, or neither?- Even though I am mild and both dominant and submissive, I tend to lean to the dominant side
45. Describe your most recent bondage experience.- I’ve never actually had one
46. In a BDSM context, have you ever referred to anyone as “daddy,” “mommy,” or any similar term?- I also haven’t done this
47. Do you have a kink for any bodily fluids (pee, saliva, blood, tears, cum, etc.)?- I don’t mind most bodily fluids except saliva makes me queasy, and I wouldn’t ask for any of these things but I’m okay with them if thats what my partner wants
48. Have you ever revealed a kink to someone and had them react negatively?- Most of what I want stays locked in my head :)
49. Do you have any kinks that you’re ashamed of?- I’m not ashamed, I just had no need to tell anyone
50. How much money have you spent on equipment for your kinks (toys, whips, chains, etc.)?- I’ve yet to spend any money on anything, I’m more of a use what I have or use my hands kind of person
51. (Vagina-owners) Do you ever squirt when you come?- I have not
52. Have you ever come solely from penetration (anal or vaginal)?- I haven’t, but if I get really close by other means and then switch to penetration I can do it
53. Can you have an orgasm without your genitals being touched?- I’ve never tried so I don’t really know
54. Describe how you like your genitals to be touched.- I prefer to touch other people but when I am touched I like to be touched with hands rather than toys because it feels more personal to me and its easier to hit my spots with fingers than with toys
55. How sensitive are your nipples? Does nipple play turn you on?- They are actually kinda not sensitive at all so nothing in that area particularly turns me on
56. Do you find it easier to orgasm with another person, or through masturbation?- Masturbation is easier but another person feels sooo much better when I get there
57. Have you ever had an orgasm that you weren’t expecting?- There were a couple where she was trying to edge me and then didn’t stop when I said stop 
58. Do you get off easier from rough contact, or gentle?- I do best when it starts out rough and then move to gentle, slow, very light contact
59. What’s the best orgasm you’ve ever had?- The one after an hour and a half of edging, that was a good experience 
60. Did it take you a while to have your first orgasm, or were you an early starter?- The first one I had was the first time I tried which is probably why I got hooked
61. Do you enjoy giving oral sex? Why?- I never have but it seems like something I want to do, just the idea of giving a girl pleasure in any way turns me on
62-67. N/A
68. How sensitive is your mouth? Is it an erogenous zone, for you?- My mouth is pretty sensitive but only my lips and nothing inside my mouth
69. Do you like 69ing?- I never have
70. Can you deep-throat?- I cant even brush my back molars without gagging
71-90. N/A
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Hey! Could you possibly do a queer reading into Dear John and how it could possibly be about coming out?
Dear John…I-I mean @ryanprettyboyrossI just wanted to start out by telling you that I’ve been excited about writingthis forever,but then depression sucker-punched me in the soul and put a stop to all mywriting (academic or otherwise) for literal weeks and when I finally got out ofthat there was a ton of essay to write… fuuuuun! 🙃🙃🙃
Anywayyyy, I’m out ofmy funk and just wanted to let you know that ever since you sent me this askages ago I’ve been intrigued by it.
I thank you all foryour patience during my absence and hope that this analysis was worth the wait! 😊
Dear John is one of my absolute favorite Taylor songs and in myopinion one of her most underrated, but solid works lyrics-wise.
In it I think hertalents as a poet and writer really shines through (friendlyreminder that Tay wrote the whole Speak Nowalbum by herself at 19 *cries in pride*) and for that I adore the freaking sparkleout of the song in question.
However, as I’vepreviously mentioned in asks and the like, for me it’s also always been one ofthe most interesting and complex ones to analyze. I’ve always kind of assumed Dear John is one of those songs that isnot what it seems.
My theory for a longtime has been that it’s some kind of metaphor describing queer identity andexperience and then you came along and placed this coming-out-narrative in mylap. Thank you very much, by asking me to stick to that thesis you’ve made myjob a lot easier, otherwise this analysis would’ve been all over the place withpossible theories! 😊
So let’s talk aboutthis for a sec, the majority of the fandom seem to assume it’s a song writtenabout the conveniently named John Meyer with whom Taylor was allegedly in arelationship from December 2009-February 2010. Meyer even went along with thatnarrative claiming the song “humiliated” him (x) to which Taylor responded thathe was being presumptuous in blatantly assuming the song to be about him. (x)
While therelationship did last for Taylor’s bearding-standard of 3 months a lot ofGaylors do seem convinced that Meyer was Taylor’s one (at least post-fame) non-PRboyfriend, for my personal thoughts on that please read this ask. (x)
Meyer may be namedJohn and the timeline during which the song was written may fit with thetimeline of whatever was going on between him and Taylor (PR or otherwise) but “DearJohn” as a phrase or title has a history longer than that.
Perhaps what most contemporary people think of(besides the Taylor song, provided they have any musical taste at all 😊)when hearing the phrase is the 2010 movie by the same name (it possibly cameout right around the time Tay was writing the song and we do know she likesromantic movies, so she may very well have found her inspiration there) whichin turn is based on the 2006 novel by Nicholas Sparks.
Another perhaps lessknown use of the phrase is the so called “Dear John letter.”
It refers to a wifeor girlfriend writing her husband/boyfriend a letter while he’s in themilitary, the letter is written to inform him that his partner has foundsomeone else and wants to break up/divorce, the phrase dates back to at leastWorld War II.
Wikipedia defines a “DearJohn letter” simply as “a break-up letter to an absent boyfriend or husband.”(x)
That does indeed seemto fit the bill for the song, Taylor sings to a “John” that is no longer a partof her life and informs him why the relationship had to end. (This song is to let you know why.”)
So, if the song isn’tabout John Meyer at all and we were just encouraged to think so, who or what isit really about?
Well, John is apretty common all-American name, in fact it was so common during the WWII erathat it was picked specifically to be a placeholder name when referring tobreakup letters addressed to solders (“Dear John letters.”) I think it’spossible that Taylor is using this pretty generic name as a placeholder too.
In the context of hersong “John” is the set of rules, ideas and practices (such as bearding) put inplace within the music/entertainment industry (specifically the country scene)to systematically closet performers to “save” or benefit their careers. 🤮
Long story short, Ibelieve “John” to be the heteronormativity and societal pressures to conform tosaid normativity which is keeping our singer in the closet. If you will, “John”is her own internalized homophobia which is stopping her from publicly comingout.
That being said thisis just an idea (cred to the asker, @ryanprettyboyross of course) on what thesong may be about, I personally have thought up many a theory regarding thisone in my time and everyone else is free to do so as well.
Credit for the lyricsbeing used goes to AZLyrics as usual; you all know the drill by now.
Without further ado,let’s get analyzin’
Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
Let’s have a look at these opening lines, Taylorclaims to have difficulty sleeping, this is because her life (or “her days” akaher every waking moment) revolves around pleasing someone who isn’t herself. 
Her days revolve around living up to the perfect image of America’s LittleHeterosexual Sweetheart™ that her team as well as her masses of adoringconservative fans built for her.
She can’t truly be herself and has to be careful whatshe does, what she says and how she acts. A feeling I’m sure many closetedpeople are more familiar with than they’d like.
She watches her every steps, every movement, everyword very carefully as to not accidentally out herself. She prays that peoplewon’t catch on and she’ll fall from her country princess throne (or through thedelicate floor of heteronormativity she has to constantly step on) and ruin herown career.
That constant fear is stressful for anyone who iscloseted, but must be so on an evendeeper level for someone who’s so public and simultaneously so deep in thecloset. A sad fate for such a young, talented artist and quite frankly it devastatesme to think about it in any greater detail. 💔
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
Taylor must feel lonely to say the least, essentiallybeing required to refrain from being herself and hiding her truth, but one can atleast hope she has the unwavering support of her family and close friends towhom I think it’s safe to assume she’s out and has been for quite a long time. (Probably at least since high school, maybeeven earlier? My point is that she was most likely out to at least the family,if not to most of her friends long pre-fame.)
Her mother is mentioned here and my interpretation ofthe line is that Andrea is starting to see what the constant bearding andheteronormativity is doing to her daughter.
Perhaps she worries that Taylor is truly losing hersense of self and inquires whether the oldest of her children feels the PRgames have gone too far and if she wants to stop it and publicly come out? Afterall, Taylor’s parents raised her in a family free from homophobia if we’re tobelieve Taylor herself.
Taylor however reassures her mother that it’s fine;it’s all just a necessary part of the job and a small price to pay to get tolive her professional dream.
Chely Wright, a lesbian country singer who was closetedin the industry for a long time wrote the following in her book, Like Me: Confessions of a Heartland CountrySinger:
“I’d made a dealwith God early on that I’d go without love in my life, just give me music” (x)and I think that’s a pretty universal mindset among closeted musicians.
The chance to have music and performance andcreativity in one’s life is worth giving up on a happy and truthful personallife for. As long as you get to practice your art any personal sacrifices don’tmatter, or at least they’re not supposed to. Taylor promised her mother thiswas the case for her as much as anyone else.
You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
Here I think Taylor’s describing what this idea islike in theory, the idea of a fruitful career with hordes of adoring fans andcommercial success is all she ever dreamed of ever since she was a little girlwho repeatedly begged her parents to relocate the family to Nashville.
In practice though, it turns out Nashville is a prettyscary place for a young, gay singer, in fact the community there is viciouslyhomophobic. (x) Something that probably became apparent to Taylor pretty soon.
The perfect dream of country music stardom wasTaylor’s blue sky, but pretty soon it had been turned to rain by the systematichomophobia in the community she now found herself a part of.
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
PR is a lot like chess, it’s one thoroughly thoughtout move after another, but instead of getting your opponent’s queen you moveand strategize in the hopes to please the general public with its conservativecountry fans. Not only them, but also producers, record labels and PR teams allcommitted to keeping the public image of heterosexuality, the one that sells andkeeps their artists afloat in the mainstream.
Taylor does her best to keep up with these moves andcountermoves, but it confuses her and she feels like what is expected of herchanges from day to day thus causing her to struggle with keeping up. Whatshe’s allowed to do, say and sing all changes constantly to adapt to the latestPR strategy and Taylor feels lost and helpless in the machinery that is theeconomy of homophobia, like a pawn lost on a giant chessboard.
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone,tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let youknow why
Who is she talking about here then?
Well, I think this line is describing her relationshipto Team Taylor. I am assuming a kid like Taylor has had extensive mediatraining on how “not to appear gay” or whatever *puke* so if she messes up shelikely knows she’s going to get a call from her publicist.
Sometimes I’m sure that phone call wasn’t all toonice, as we’ve discussed before it seems Taylor’s publicist from her youngerdays was a very big fan of having Taylor stay in the closet, so if Taylor daredto publicly venture out of it in even the smallest of ways I’m sure she’d knowwhy that wasn’t advisable by the end of the night.
I’m not saying Taylor’s publicist was homophobic ornasty or mean, because obviously I don’t know that. I’m saying however, that I’msure she did what she thought was necessary to protect Taylor’s career andimage (aka to keep her safely closeted.)
I’m also not saying Taylor literally stopped pickingup or started ignoring her publicist, I think what the “stopped pickin’up-line” means is that perhaps she stopped listening, or at least she stoppedletting what was said get to her.
The song as she mentions was written to let “you” knowwhy it is that she stopped listening.
I don’t think“you” is the publicist, I actually think that “you” here is a more general you,as in all of the people who tried to get Taylor to understand that homophobiais just a given part of the music industry.
This is the song where Taylor says she’ll keep goingalong with their games, at least for the time being, but she’s had enough ofthe self-hatred.
As young gay people I think we’re all familiar withhow being constantly surrounded by homophobia, be it from our parents,classmates, or just society in general (or you know, a conservative musicindustry) keeps us from truly accepting ourselves.
We may very well be aware that we’re gay, but we don’thave to like it, we can wish it away and hate ourselves for feeling what we’refeeling. (Chely Wright’s Wish Me Away,anyone?)
Dear John isthe turning point for Taylor, she decides that no matter what anyone else saysand the fact that she has to stay in the closet, she can still love herself andbe okay with who she is, at least within herself. Just because she’s goingalong with the bearding and the heteronormativity doesn’t mean she has toapprove of it, she doesn’t need to hate herself just because it seems everyoneelse does. Somehow there’s strength in that heartbreak, I think.
Dear John, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
As the chorus comes around Taylor addresses her owninternalized homophobia (who she’s apparently named John, perhaps becausesociety expects her to conform to their heteronormativity and end up with aJohn, a generic cishet boy) for the first time.
Now that her internalized homophobia/“John” is goneand she’s realized she doesn’t have hate herself she’s starting to see howfucked up it was that she ever did in the first place.
Many on thissite have discussed the fact that a pre-fame Taylor didn’t seem scared ofappearing gay, but it seems sometime after her mainstream recognition there wasa shift and she started fearing her gay side.
The heteronormative, homophobic values within theindustry truly messed with her, as she chose to word it. She went from out andproud to closeted and terrified.
She brings her age into the conversation, asking ifshe wasn’t too young to be messed with?
It seems that Taylor is as livid as me when it comesto the prospect of society teaching kids to internalize homophobia andself-hatred.
She wasn’t brought up that way (x) but she came tolearn that she was supposed to be ashamed of who she was as soon as she wastold by the people in the industry, the very people who were supposed to lookout for her that she had to sing about boys and “not act gay” if she everwanted to get on the radio or reach mainstream success.
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home, I should’ve known.–
The “girl-in-the-dress-line” is interesting to me andperhaps it is the line that resonates most with me in this entire song.
As someone who’s all too familiar with being forced toact feminine and wear dresses and being guilty of constantly policing their ownbody language as to not “act too gay” or “too un-feminine” I can say that I seemuch of myself in that person who wants to rip their pretty dress to shreds,but just ends up crying about it when no one can see instead.
Why? Well, making a public statement and refusing towear the dress would mean taking a step out from the shadow of thatinternalized self-hatred.
Admittedly though, I struggle with dysphoria which I’massuming (or rather hoping since I wouldn’t wish it on anyone) Taylor hasn’t. Despitethis I would say that being uncomfortable in dresses and “not being yourtypical princess” (to borrow a phrase from Taylor) isn’t limited to those of uswho aren’t actually girls, there are girls and women who aren’t comfortablewith being feminine or with wearing stereotypically feminine clothes (“she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts”)and I’ve previously spoken of how I suspect Taylor to be one of them. (x)
Obviously I can’t know that for sure, but I feel thatperhaps Taylor is a lot less feminine than she publicly lets on and that’swhere this dress-line comes in.
With its beer and its cowboy hats and manly men Iwould assume that in addition to being at least implicitly homophobic thecountry music scene is also fairly dependent on gender roles, meaning that forsomeone like Taylor that means dresses and boys and makeup galore.
In my analysis of NewRomantics I mentioned that attending some event with a boy she barely knewand a pretty dress must’ve felt incredibly alienating at times to a young starwho’s just started understanding the perceived necessity of bearding andheteronormativity in this industry. So alienating in fact that I wouldn’t blameher for shedding a few tears from time to time, “mascara tears in the bathroom”as well as tears on the way home in a pretty dress she didn’t want to wear.
The dress couldalso be a metaphor of course, one to describe the heteronormative role she’dbeen forced into with all the bearding and femininity. A metaphor that’s saying“the girl you made look so pretty on the outside felt so ugly and ashamed onthe inside” the girl in the pretty dress that appeared to have it all couldn’t bringherself to be truly happy. (Lucky One, anyone?)
Lastly she’s saying she should’ve known this would bethe outcome of entering the industry, she should’ve known it had been naive tothink she could continue to be her authentic self while also being mainstreamfamous.
Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love then take it away
Whose fault is it, then, that poor Taylor is somiserable?
Well, she suggests, maybe it’s her own for being sonaively optimistic and thinking that staying closeted wouldn’t feel like a bigdeal as long as she got to work with music. Or maybe it’s the industry’s faultfor adoring and praising her as long as she followed their set of rules, buttaking that love away the moment she started to break the rules, not to mentionthreatening to take the fame away entirely should she ever dare come out. It’ssick says Taylor, how two-faced these so-called “fans” and “supporters” are andI wholeheartedly agree!
And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitorswho don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret how I ignored when theysaid,
“Run as fast as you can.”
We’ve talked about “gender traitors” before, a termthat shows up in Margaret Atwood’s TheHandmaid’s Tale from 1985 (as well as the excellent 2017 HBO series) aswell as in a bunch of feminist course lit I’m familiar with, to describe homosexualsand primarily homosexual women.
I know Taylor likes classical literature, but I can’tbe sure if she’s read that one, although I hope so since it’s brilliant!
Anyway, regardless of her reading habits I don’t thinkthe term is what Taylor’s referring to here. I think she’s simply saying theindustry will blacklist her. Put her on a list of traitors to the industry whoaren’t committed to upholding the order and the rules and doesn’t understandwhy it’s necessary to keep the environment so conservative and unaccepting.
In other words,were she to ever come out the country music community would freeze her out.This seems to be a real fear among those in the closet in Nashville and Chely Wright spoke about it at length. (x)
Someone seems to have warned Taylor not to getinvolved with the bearding and the systematic closeting. Maybe it was hermother or someone else who saw the potential dangers of internalized hatredsuch a process would create within such a young girl and thus advised Taylor torefuse to conform and run far away from that homophobic nonsense before shelost her sense of self.
Taylor of course, didn’t listen she was too busyreaching for the dream of music she’d always wanted and now that she’s olderand wiser she of course regrets letting the closeting process be the price shepaid for it all, but she was young and thought the adults who told her to goback in the closet knew what was best. Now of course, she wished she would’verun and taken steps to be an out artist from the start, instead of going usualroute of forced closeting and aggressive hetero marketing.
 (Chorus)
Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games?
When I loved you so, I should’ve known.
At one point in time Taylor obviously had a real andvery strong love for country music (and given the fact that she still occasionallyghost-writes a country hit or two I’d say she still does) but here she addresses“John” who now seems to be the country music industry itself and says shethinks she was too young to be dragged into the systematic homophobia thatlives rampant within that industry. She loved the music so much, she loved thepeople and the aesthetic, but the dark side of the industry in Nashville was anunfair price to pay for that love Taylor reasons. Don’t forget that Dear John was on Speak Now the album that came before Red which in turn was the first album where Taylor definitelystarted leaning more towards pop music. 
She’s said that Red wasn’t “sonically cohesive” and there seems to be a reasonfor that, Red wanted to be pop, butTaylor didn’t yet dare to fully take the leap that’d later come with 1989 and leave country behind, so Red became a mixture of Taylor’s desireto break free from country music and her very strong love for it, a toxicrelationship indeed, with the country music industry.
Nonetheless I think Dear John was Tay’s breakup song for country music, Red was the first step towards leavingthat industry behind and Dear John waswhen she first decided it was time to do so and shake off (sorry I couldn’t resist) that homophobic environment.
You are an expert at “Sorry”
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
She laments some more about the rules and the peoplewithin the country music “machine” (as Wright refers to it) she says they’revery good at not personally being homophobic, it’s like when someone says “Ihave nothing against you gays, BUT”  the industry at large and perhaps mostlythe people within it who work close to Taylor claim that they wish things couldbe different, but that the homophobic structure in the music industry is necessaryto uphold it or whatever. They’re basically experts at making excuses for whyhomophobia is so deeply ingrained in Nashville and country communities ingeneral. They keep the lines blurry between claiming they’re keeping Taylorcloseted to protect her from the homophobia exuded by fans and parts of themusic industry and by doing it because they themselves are blatantly homophobicand scared Taylor will stop making them money if she comes out.
It’s the sortof situation where you think “Are they doing this to protect me or to protectthemselves?”    
Taylor plays her role perfectly, she has everyoneconvinced she’s as straight as they come and yet Team Taylor don’t seem happy,they have more hoops for her to jump through and more strategies with which tokeep her locked in the closet and they never seem 100% happy with Taylor’s “StraightPerformance (aka her “Acing their tests”)
All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired lifelesseyes
Cause you’ve burned them out
Then she goes on to mention other people who are inthe closet and work in country music, or in Hollywood, people (and here,specifically other women) whose closeting processes are so far along that theyhave just accepted they’ll never be able to come out and live as their trueselves. Girls who have accepted this is just their lives now.
The girls who go into lavender marriages and just dealwith it, no one being able to spot just how dead they are behind the eyes,except for a young, fellow gay who’s terrified she’ll end up like them. End uplike the women the entertainment industry  has already ran dry and ensnared in their PR gamesto the point where they see no way out, girls who are so closeted they’ll taketheir truths to their graves.
But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town
It might be too late for those girls, Taylor pointsout, but not for me, not yet. By writing this song she’s taking the firsttentative step towards stopping her own closeting process. She won’t let theindustry dampen her passion for music or her will to be herself, she’s stoppedthem now, or at least she’s going to, they’re going to witness her succeed evenwhile breaking out of that tightly locked closet. She’ll shine like (colorful… 🌈🌈) fireworks over the sad reality that is homophobia and bearding.
(Chorus)
 I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Wrote you a song, you should’ve known.
Now that she’s decided to slowly but surely leave itbehind she can see how messed up systematic closeting is, especially when doneto someone so young and hopeful as herself.
 The girl they dressed up andfeminized, hetero-proofed™ against her will when she was still too young toknow any better wrote them all a song about how messed up they are.
They should’ve known she wasn’t like the others and wouldn’tlet herself be trapped and limited, go Taylor!! 🌈🌈🌈
So perhaps the way I wrotethat didn’t frame the song in so much a coming-out-narrative as an it’s-okay-to-want-to-come-out-narrativeand it’s okay to take tiny steps towards that goal while simultaneouslyflipping off everyone who want to stop you. 🌈
Hope you alllike that idea of this song. 😊
I can’t promiseanything, but I’m hopefully back now as my essay is due next Friday, whereupon Ishall have more time to hang out here and talk to you guys and do analysis regularlyagain! (Hopefully every Sunday)
I’ve really missed itas well as all of you, so if you guys have requests for songs to be analyzed inthe future or just questions for me about Kaylor, Gaylor or anything else, myaskbox is open! 😊
Next song to be analyzedaccording to my list is Fearless! 💃🌈
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lgunity · 6 years
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1)Thanks so much for this blog. Finally some sane people in the alphabet soup community. I'm a lesbian, I'm still in the closet. I honestly feel like ending my life because I don't belong within the LGBT community or with straight people. Both are extremely misogynistic and homophobic towards lesbians. Some gay men literally treat lesbians the same way straight people do, they always need to go into oppression olympics with us. They think we have it easier because straight men see us as walking
2)pornograohy and treat us as nothing but sex object for their gaze. It's fucked. I got into a fight with a bunch of gay men telling me that lesbians have it easier and that being raped and forced into marriage is better than being killed. I told them neither of us have it easier, we suffer the same but in different ways. They of course didn't listen and told me to "suck some dick" and threw some misogynistic phrases at me. I'm sick of bisexual women thinking that not dating them for whatever             
3)reason is biohobic. Even if it was, I still have the right to turn you down for whatever reason. Lesbians don't owe bisexuals a date or sex, many bisexuals are lesboohobic. I'm beyond sick of trans people telling lesbians to suck cock. No. I'm a female homo, it's not possible. Conversion therapy at its finest. But the more they push this, the more likely they're going to eradicate themselves. And then you have the typical heterosexuals telling me that lesbians need a "good dicking" or that
4)lesbians sex isn't real sex or whatever. On top of all of this, I never had a girlfriend (I'm 18) and I feel like I'm never going to get one because of the non existent dating pool and I hate dating apps. I was I was straight, I'm going to fucking die a single virgin that everyone hates when I come out to new people. Fuck my life. I want to end it all.
anon, i’m so sorry you feel so alienated because of lesbophobia from so many groups/people. that is definitely something a lot of us can relate to so i can’t tell you things are better than they actually are.
however, i will say, don’t give up. eighteen is very young and while it’s totally normal to feel scared and left out, please remember that lesbians are typically more understanding of women not having a huge amount of sexual/relationship experience by the time they’ve left college. many lesbians live in communities and under circumstances where it’s difficult or impossible to come out or date and many lesbians have sex for the first time when they’re much older - many in their 30s or 40s even.
you have so much time and so much to do in life. work on everything else, develop your interests and any career goals you may have. if you’re already balancing school and work, it will be much more difficult, but see if you can do something on the side that is only for you and helps you unwind, away from the anxieties of social media - maybe learn to play a musical instrument, or paint or journal? a sport if that’s what you like. just some suggestions, you’ll know what suits you best.
and this is something i’ve probably said before on this blog but in a very strange way and without us asking for it or finding it pleasant, the whole current “debate” around whether lesbians deserve the right to choose our partners free of coercion, has forced many of us to reassess how much one-sided labor we’ve been doing for people, just on the assumption that they do care about us as human beings. we’ve taken minimum basic respect for us from the wider community for granted, but we’re the ones who got taken for granted. as a lesbian resisting the combined liberal and conservative lesbophobia, i’ve found a lot of clarity and confidence, even if it’s not always fun. not to slip into “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” rhetoric - just a reminder that a certain bleakness is normal when you realize a truth that most people are oblivious to. your sense of self is probably already very strong. this is really good and important even if you have to stay in the closet for the foreseeable future.
connect with other lesbians. i know the online dating scene is headache-inducing, you have my sympathies. either way, cultivate friendships with lesbians here if irl is impossible. and it might seem miraculous or something that only happens to other lesbians, but someday you can meet someone and be able to go out with her and be intimate with her without having to compromise on your boundaries or your politics. there’s a lot of lesbians who feel pretty much the same way as you do and more are starting to talk openly about it.
i also suggest talking to a counselor or therapist, but see if you can find a female professional who is not a lesbophobe - feel free to message me or any other mod if you want us to find out someone like that in your area, if you want.
live, and live as well as you can. be a selfish lesbian who puts herself first, since the world has had enough doormat lesbians. take care.
- Mod Jia
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tea-and-apathy · 7 years
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Serenity and Courage
I spent last weekend in Cambridge for a good friend’s hen do. Aside from being a wonderful day filled with fun, laughter, and just being the perfect send off for her into the world of married life, it also involved me spending some time with a few school friends that I haven't seen for the best part of a decade. Driving back to London, I did a bit of reflecting on the last few years of my life, and I was shocked how emotional I became.
I thought back to my school and university days, of how unsure I was of myself, of how I would fit in. Being concerned that I wasn’t ‘normal’. Being even more concerned that maybe there was a reason why I never had relationships, why I was apathetic about the idea of having a boyfriend. Being petrified that I was gay, knowing what that would mean; knowing the repercussions with my family and being scared of the impact that would have on several of my more religious friends. Being confused, nervous, petrified. Being slightly amused that I was fulfilling the private girls school stereotype. Wondering if I would spend my life watching my friends settle down and never get the chance to find someone special myself. Not being able to process any of what I thought or felt, not having anywhere to go or anyone to talk to about it. Masking my distress with humour, pretending not to believe in love or happily ever afters. Telling people that spending the rest of your life with someone was an impossibility; and in reality just worrying that it was an impossibility for me.
It took me a long time to get to where I am now. I have a loving girlfriend. I have a core group of friends who didn’t even bat an eyelid at my revelation. Who accepted me for who I was long before I even knew what that meant. But there have also been losses. My relationship with my parents is possibly irreparably broken. I lost a couple of friends. A handful of others have never been the same. My expectations of life have changed. I don't fit neatly into any of the boxes you are supposed to fit into when you discover that you are gay. I didn’t know from a young age (although several of my friends have told me that they knew a long time before I did), I didn’t have a eureka moment. I haven’t now become involved in the “gay scene”. We don’t go out to gay bars, I still don’t really have any gay friends. I don’t even know how to refer to my girlfriend. I get uncomfortable referring to myself as gay. I can’t get the right words out. I have found this amazing woman who loves me and who I can finally imagine spending my life with, and yet I can’t begin to formulate words to describe it, or contemplate what us getting married would look like, what it would feel like to consider having children; what that process would involve. Before we moved into our current flat I had nightmares about the other people living in the street and how they would react to a lesbian couple moving in. When we have work done in the flat, I hate having to say “my girlfriend will be home” for fear of how people will react.
We live in a society, in London at least, where you keep your opinions to yourself. Thankfully I do not live in a place where I have to be concerned about my physical safety because of who I love. But this life is by no means is without its difficulties. I think it is easy to underestimate the effect of constantly being unsure how people are going to react. Of saying “my girlfriend” for the first time to someone new. Watching the moderated response. Assessing how this fits into people’s preconceived ideas of you as a person. Noting the raised eyebrows or pursed lips on the tube, seeing the curious glances from passers-by, hearing politicians debate aspects of your life in government buildings and having no idea how it will affect you as a person. Relying on other people to acknowledge your existence as a human being, to allow you the same rights as straight people, and expect you to be grateful for it.
I went to the Pride parade in London for the first time this year. It is easy to think that we are beyond a time where being gay is an issue. I think if you asked most people they would say that it is a non event. The vast majority of people who are on the receiving end of a coming out confession do not understand why it is still such a big deal. It is easy to forget how things were just 10 or 20 years ago. And I want to be grateful that things are easier for me now than they would have been then, but additionally I don't see why I should have to be grateful. There is definitely an air around that we should be appreciative of having the same rights, or being allowed to exist in the same civilisation as straight people. I am still in a place where I am uncomfortable acknowledging my sexuality, not because I am uncertain of it, or because I think that there will be an overt reaction to it, but because it generally makes everything harder than it needs to be. I am living with a deep sense of shame, and I don’t even understand why I should be apologetic. When I think rationally I acknowledge that there is nothing to be ashamed of in my life. There are only good things. I have a good job, I am a successful human, I manage to get out of bed every day, and I have an amazing person with which to share this crazy thing called life. But deep down, constantly, there is the feeling that what I am doing is wrong. Blame it on the Catholic school, blame it on the conservative parents, but in reality I should blame it on the whole of civilisation. This society that teaches us to be grateful for equal rights, teaches us relief when a stranger doesn’t raise an eyebrow, teaches us to be elated when we are allowed a vote on whether or not we can marry, procreate, inherit.
My girlfriend is Australian, and there is a lot of controversy surrounding the current Plebiscite for Marriage Equality. A lot of people I talk to about it don’t really understand why it is a big issue. Obviously I feel strongly about it because I would like the option of one day getting married in Australia. But, I also am seeing it as yet another demonstration of how my life is directly affected by people I have never met, making decisions about my core human rights, and not being able to do anything about it. No, we are no longer in an age where I can be arrested or killed for my sexuality, but we still have a long way to go before I can stop feeling ashamed of myself. And I hate that. So I guess at its heart this is a plea for people who do have the power to affect this; who get to vote on something that in no way directly impacts them, to give it the weight of importance it deserves and vote for those of us who are not allowed to have a say. Please don’t dismiss how important this is.
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The Saturday Review is back! I know, I need to keep up better with this but my reviews keep piling up instead. What have you been reading lately bookdragons? These Witches Don't Burn by Isabel Sterling Publisher: Razorbill Release Date: May 28, 2019 Genre: Young adult, Paranormal, Witches, LGBTQ+ Blurb Hannah's a witch, but not the kind you're thinking of. She's the real deal, an Elemental with the power to control fire, earth, water, and air. But even though she lives in Salem, Massachusetts, her magic is a secret she has to keep to herself. If she's ever caught using it in front of a Reg (read: non-witch), she could lose it. For good. So, Hannah spends most of her time avoiding her ex-girlfriend (and fellow Elemental Witch) Veronica, hanging out with her best friend, and working at the Fly by Night Cauldron selling candles and crystals to tourists, goths, and local Wiccans. But dealing with her ex is the least of Hannah's concerns when a terrifying blood ritual interrupts the end-of-school-year bonfire. Evidence of dark magic begins to appear all over Salem, and Hannah's sure it's the work of a deadly Blood Witch. The issue is, her coven is less than convinced, forcing Hannah to team up with the last person she wants to see: Veronica.While the pair attempt to smoke out the Blood Witch at a house party, Hannah meets Morgan, a cute new ballerina in town. But trying to date amid a supernatural crisis is easier said than done, and Hannah will have to test the limits of her power if she's going to save her coven and get the girl, especially when the attacks on Salem's witches become deadlier by the day. Cover: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 I really like the tarot card style theme of the cover. It looks like you placed objects on a purple table cloth and turned it into a book cover. I really like the simplicity. Summary/Tagline: n/a Characters: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 One of the things that drew me to this book was the LGBTQ+ rep during Pride month and I think the author executed it perfectly. The emphasis of the story isn't on the main character being a lesbian, just that she's a witch who also happens to be a lesbian. Hannah's struggles with her feelings for her ex-girlfriend and her crush on the new girl are relatable to all readers. Overall, the characters are all well developed with distinct personalities. Worldbuilding: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 I felt like I had stepped onto the streets of Salem while reading this book. It's always been my dream to visit there during the fall and this book really encompassed the small, eclectic town vibe I get from looking at brochures and photos. Story: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 Again, the theme of this story is not on the character finding out she's a lesbian, its about witches and family pressure, moving on from your exes and starting something new with someone new all while dealing with a witch hunter bent on the deaths of the local witch population. I thought the story was well balanced overall, but I did have to take a star away because I figured out who the witch hunter was about halfway through the book.  Overall: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 4.75 of 5 Stars! My Rating: 🌟🌟 🌟🌟🌟 4.75 of 5 Stars! Like A Love Story by Abdi Nazemian Published by: Balzar + Bray On: June 4, 2019 Genre: Young Adult, "Historical Fiction," Contemporary, LGBTQ+, Romance Blurb: It's 1989 in New York City, and for three teens, the world is changing.Reza is an Iranian boy who has just moved to the city with his mother to live with his stepfather and stepbrother. He's terrified that someone will guess the truth he can barely acknowledge about himself. Reza knows he's gay, but all he knows of gay life are the media's images of men dying of AIDS.Judy is an aspiring fashion designer who worships her uncle Stephen, a gay man with AIDS who devotes his time to activism as a member of ACT UP. Judy has never imagined finding romance...until she falls for Reza and they start dating.Art is Judy's best friend, their school's only out and proud teen. He'll never be who his conservative parents want him to be, so he rebels by documenting the AIDS crisis through his photographs.As Reza and Art grow closer, Reza struggles to find a way out of his deception that won't break Judy's heart--and destroy the most meaningful friendship he's ever known. Review: Cover: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 The cover is the initial thing that drew me to this book. It's gorgeous, it's colorful, and it's the kind of cover that if you saw it on a shelf at the bookstore you'd stop and take a closer look. Summary/Tagline: N/A Characters: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 Do I think each of the three main characters are well-developed, unique voices, and that their struggles were clearly displayed on the page? Yes, yes I do. Unfortunately I just couldn't connect with any of them. Reza was probably the most likable of the three, but his paranoia about getting AIDS just because he had thoughts about other boys was a little melodramatic for me to read. I know that perhaps during the time period people thought they could get the disease from the smallest thing but I just found the paranoia annoying. Worldbuilding: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 Again, the worldbuilding is well conveyed. You feel as if you have stepped back into the 1980s. Unfortunately for me there were just so many references that I couldn't understand being a 90s baby that I couldn't enjoy the setting and worldbuilding more. Story: 🌟🌟 I could rate this book higher, but I just couldn't connect with any of it. I went in wanting to get a YA take on the AIDS craze of the 1980s and while it did go into the fears each character had or the connection to people that had the disease, I could have done entirely without the romance between Reza and Art. This book will give you the feels and will tear at your heart, but if you weren't a teenager+ in the 80s you'll miss a lot of the references. Overall: 🌟🌟🌟 3.75 of 5 Stars! My Rating: 🌟🌟🌟 3.75 of 5 Stars! Bird Box  by Josh Malerman Published by: Ecco On: March 12, 2019 Genre: Fiction, Horror, Thriller, Apocalyptic, Post-Apocalyptic Blurb: Now a Netflix film starring Sandra Bullock, Sarah Paulson, Rosa Salazar and John Malkovich!Written with the narrative tension of The Road and the exquisite terror of classic Stephen King, Bird Box is a propulsive, edge-of-your-seat horror thriller, set in an apocalyptic near-future world—a masterpiece of suspense from the brilliantly imaginative Josh Malerman.Something is out there . . . Something terrifying that must not be seen. One glimpse and a person is driven to deadly violence. No one knows what it is or where it came from.Five years after it began, a handful of scattered survivors remain, including Malorie and her two young children. Living in an abandoned house near the river, she has dreamed of fleeing to a place where they might be safe. Now, that the boy and girl are four, it is time to go. But the journey ahead will be terrifying: twenty miles downriver in a rowboat—blindfolded—with nothing to rely on but her wits and the children’s trained ears. One wrong choice and they will die. And something is following them. But is it man, animal, or monster?Engulfed in darkness, surrounded by sounds both familiar and frightening, Malorie embarks on a harrowing odyssey—a trip that takes her into an unseen world and back into the past, to the companions who once saved her. Under the guidance of the stalwart Tom, a motely group of strangers banded together against the unseen terror, creating order from the chaos. But when supplies ran low, they were forced to venture outside—and confront the ultimate question: in a world gone mad, who can really be trusted?Interweaving past and present, Josh Malerman’s breathtaking debut is a horrific and gripping snapshot of a world unraveled that will have you racing to the final page. Review: Cover: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Yes, I had to have the media tie-in edition of Bird Box. I'm one of those people. Don't judge me. 🤣 Summary/Tagline: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 “Something is out there..."  - I like it! It definitely gives you an eerie vibe of what's inside. Characters: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 As a main character, Mallorie is definitely a survivor who has become strong because she had no other choice. But she lacks heart. She's so cold toward "Boy" and "Girl" - especially Girl - that you feel sorry for the children. The rest of the characters are a diverse cast of characters who have such differing personalities that you know they would have never crossed path if not for their need for survival.  Worldbuilding: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Imagine a world in which sight in the outside world can drive you mad. Where survivors will hide behind covered windows and blindfolds. Where those driven crazy do terrible things to themselves and to others. It's this terrifying world that Malerman brings you in Bird Box. It's frightening, it's unexplainable, it's a living nightmare. Story: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 This book is as good as it is frightening. There's a scene when Tom goes looking for supplies and seeing eye dogs where he comes across a dead person who gauged their own eye out and plucked it into a bowl that is grotesquely but fantastically described that really got to me. And even though I saw the movie first, this book still took turns that gave me chills.  Overall: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 4.6 of 5 Stars! My Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 4.6 of 5 Stars! Paranoid by Lisa Jackson Published by: Kensington On: June 25, 2019 Genre: Fiction, Thriller Blurb: From #1 New York Times bestselling author Lisa Jackson comes a new novel of nerve-jangling suspense as a woman haunted by guilt realizes that nothing can be trusted—not even her own memory …There are people in Edgewater, Oregon, who think that twenty years ago, Rachel Gaston got away with murder.Rachel still has no idea how a foolish teenaged game turned deadly—or who replaced her soft pellet air gun with a real weapon. When a figure leapt out at her from the darkness, she fired without thinking. Too late, she recognized her half-brother, Luke, and saw blood blooming around his chest.Despite counseling, Rachel’s horrifying dreams about that night continue. Her anxiety contributed to her divorce from Detective Cade Ryder, though he blames himself too. But as Rachel’s high school reunion nears, she feels her imagination playing tricks, convincing her that objects in her house have moved. That there’s a hint of unfamiliar cologne in the air. That someone is tailing her car. Watching her home.She’s right to be scared. And as connections surface between a new string of murders and Luke’s death, Rachel realizes there’s no escaping the past, and the truth may be darker than her worst fears … Review: Cover: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 This cover is dark, and somewhat simplistic. A decaying set of stairs, faded typography of the title, and an overall creepy vibe. Summary/Tagline: n/a  Characters: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 Rachel is a character haunted by a past event that has forever changed her life, her ex-husband Cade is a detective who hates himself for giving into the affair that torpedoed his marriage to Rachel. On top of that, Cade's father is married to one of Rachel's high school friends, a girl whose son is the child of Rachel's late half-brother who died all those years ago. Oh what a tangled web we weave. Worldbuilding: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 The beginning of this book reminded me of the setting of Nancy Holder and Debbie Viguie's The Rules. I really enjoyed that book so I was hooked on the beginning of this book. Then we move forward twenty years and Rachel is still living in the same small Oregon town. You definitely get the small town feel and the small town mindset, gossip and grudges. Story: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 I liked this book, but after reading so many of Lisa Jackson's books you start to realize they all have similar themes; especially when it comes to dark family secrets and bombshell revelations.  Overall: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 4 of 5 Stars! My Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 4 of 5 Stars! Finale by Stephanie Garber Published by: Flatiron Books On: May 7, 2019 Genre: Young Adult, Fantasy Blurb: A love worth fighting for. A dream worth dying for. An ending worth waiting for.It’s been two months since the Fates were freed from a deck of cards, two months since Legend claimed the throne for his own, and two months since Tella discovered the boy she fell in love with doesn’t really exist.With lives, empires, and hearts hanging in the balance, Tella must decide if she’s going to trust Legend or a former enemy. After uncovering a secret that upends her life, Scarlett will need to do the impossible. And Legend has a choice to make that will forever change and define him.Caraval is over, but perhaps the greatest game of all has begun. There are no spectators this time—only those who will win, and those who will lose everything.Welcome, welcome to Finale. All games must come to an end… Review: Cover: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 All of the covers of the books in this trilogy are eye-catching. This one and Legendary are definitely tied for my favorites. Summary/Tagline: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 "A love worth fighting for. A dream worth dying for. An ending worth waiting for." - Such a perfect way to sum up this book. Characters: 🌟🌟🌟🌟.5 I really think Scarlet and Tella grow so much in this final book and I liked having chapters in both their perspectives. Julian was charming as always and I loved seeing more of Jacks (I only wish he would have his own spin off). The only character I wanted more of was Legend. It feels like we mostly encounter him in Tella's dreams. Worldbuilding: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 As always, this book has fantastical worldbuilding where the strange and impossible become possible realities on the page. I love the clothing, the locations, and the Fates.  Story: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 I loved Legendary, liked Caraval, but Finale is my favorite of the three. It was a great way for the trilogy to end, the only thing I was missing was the fantastical Caraval games played out in the previous two books.  Overall: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 4.9 of 5 Stars! My Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 4.9 of 5 Stars! Making Up by Helena Hunting Published by: St. Martin's Press On: July 16, 2019 Genre: Contemporary, Romance Blurb: A new standalone, laugh-out-loud romantic comedy by New York Times bestselling author Helena Hunting.Cosy Felton is great at her job—she knows just how to handle the awkwardness that comes with working at an adult toy store. So when the hottest guy she’s ever seen walks into the shop looking completely overwhelmed, she’s more than happy to turn on the charm and help him purchase all of the items on his list.Griffin Mills is using his business trip in Las Vegas as a chance to escape the broken pieces of his life in New York City. The last thing he wants is to be put in charge of buying gag gifts for his friend’s bachelor party. Despite being totally out of his element, and mortified by the whole experience, Griffin is pleasantly surprised when he finds himself attracted to the sales girl that helped him.As skeptical as Cosy may be of Griffin’s motivations, there’s something about him that intrigues her. But sometimes what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas and when real life gets in the way, all bets are off. Filled with hilariously awkward situations and enough sexual chemistry to power Sin City, Making Up is the next standalone in the Shacking Up world. Review: Cover: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Ah yes, give me all the sexy man candy!! 😍😍😍 Summary/Tagline: n/a Characters: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 I really loved Cosy and Griffin. Griffin definitely fits into the sexy, mogul, billionaire trope and Cosy is this cool, sassy girl who is used to holding everything together. Together the pages scorch with their chemistry. And I also loved Cosy's sister! Is there any chance she will get her own book or novella someday? She so deserves to find love! Worldbuilding: 🌟🌟🌟.5 The clearest image we get in this book is of the adult store Cosy works in when she and Griffin initially meet. The rest of the book doesn't stand out too much with the fancy set-ups Griffin puts together for Cosy, the diner that Cosy loves, the Grand Canyon, and Cosy's apartment being all pretty standard. Story: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 This book is so funny and sexy I couldn't get enough of it! Overall: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 4.4 of 5 Stars! My Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 4.4 of 5 Stars!
http://taylorfenner.blogspot.com/2019/08/the-saturday-review-31-august-2019.html
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Want To Know What Bad Mental Health Looks Like For Bisexual People?
You wanna know what it is to live with people who don’t see your sexuality as real?
You wanna know what it is to live with people who think you settled for being ‘straight’ when you date someone who looks the opposite gender?
You wanna know what how bad it is when those people are your parents?
Alright then, buckeroo, I’ll fucking tell ya. And when I’m finished, and you’ve read this, don’t ever fucking think that bisexual people don’t suffer another layer of discrimination and ridiculous trauma that the other queers don’t have to suffer. 
I’m a pre-transition transgender woman who is bisexual (has known for 6 years) and is currently dating a pre-op transgender man. 
So to the outside uninformed world, I look like a dude just dating his girlfriend. And in case you need clarification, I’m not.
In the summer of 2017 after splitting up with my previous ex-girlfriend and following the worst argument with my drunken mother and father (back when they both used to drink) I came out to both of them as a bisexual, after confiding in both my grandparents who were incredibly more accepting than both of them combined. 
My parents were both, and still are both, typical conservative and right-wing thinking people who make homophobic remarks at times, don’t really ‘agree’ with people being transgender and transitioning, and have never been accepting of queer people in general. Yes, I still told them, still came out and tried to explain everything. They’re the kind of people who would say they can’t be homophobic because their friend is gay. But nevertheless, I told them I was bisexual.
Immediately my mother announced her views that bisexuality was not a thing at all, that I was going through a phase of thinking I still liked girls and that I was secretly gay and would eventually come out as gay (remember, they don’t know I’m trans, and I can never tell them following this) and date men exclusively. I told them I had slept with a man before getting with my ex (at the time) and that I still liked men equivalently to women. My mum still was not having anything of what I was saying. It was still a phase, or I was confused, or the typical bullshit ignorant fuckery parents and assholes spout because they’re too fucking stupid to listen to the people who are talking about it. No, she was right and I was wrong. Soon, I’d realise I was straight and it was a phase, or I would realise it was gay. 
The next thing she said was that no matter what I shouldn’t be telling anyone else about it, because it would then spread around the whole area we live in and everyone would be talking about them and how they had a gay son. 
Yeah, you read that right. My mum was purely, exclusively and only concerned with how this was going to affect her and her precious family dynamic. On that note of ‘family’ - my Dad had cheated on her sloppily and she forgave him and took him back, they’re raising my currently 7-year-old brother to be just like they are, they hate everyone around the area, don’t go out and neither currently speak to either of their parents. So, y’know *Vin Deisel’s voice* ‘Family’.
Oh, and if you’re wondering what my Dad thought on the subject of my being bisexual, he didn’t have an opinion. And given that he spends all day working or playing stupid mobile games that aren’t Pokemon GO, had cheated on my Mum when said brother was only 3, and is an all-around baby boomer ape, I saw that as a positive. 
But I digress. 
Skip forward to this time last year, late June of 2018, and I reconnected with an old friend who is my current partner (the transman I mentioned at the beginning), and we fairly quickly got together. My mum was really happy, like really happy, because she’d seen my previous two exes and how fucking maniacal and psychotic they both were and deemed this new ‘girlfriend’ as a good influence on me. We hadn’t really talked about me being bisexual at all in the year that had passed, and I’d never brought a man home because of course I fucking couldn’t, but I’d just been the same me as always. So when I brought ‘her’ home, my mum must have... you guessed it - “Oh yes! He’s straight!” Because remember, adults know fucking everything and if you haven’t brought a member of the same sex home to meet the family even though they don’t want you to, then goddamn it, you’re as straight as a ruler buckeroo. 
So now we’ll skip ahead to say this year, 2019, and I’ve been slowly trying to influence the family into being more accepting of other people, other cultures, and other identities. I’m being a little harsh about it because, I’m a sarcastic fuck and cannot stand ignorance, which is really ironic when both parents think I’m ignorant myself. They really like that word ‘ignorant’, which makes this cautionary tale down-right Oscar worthy. Anyway; I have a rainbow flag in my room at this point, which my Mum also put away/tried to hide from me at one point. Not only that but I have a bisexual flag pin, a rainbow flag Valkyrie pin, and a rainbow Royal Post Box pin all on my leather jacket (because being futch is beautiful) and as well as that I have rainbow suspenders. It’s pretty obvious as well from my room and all that I do, that I’m a feminist and I really really really love and cherish women. I’ve dropped hints about queer culture as well over that year gap, but my Mum is starting to get really annoyed at how ‘progressive’ I’m being around the house. She’s taking offence to how much I’m championing women’s rights, queer’s rights and people of colour’s rights, especially when we both watch The View and talk about all the horrible injustices happening in America and around the world on marginalised people. 
Then, she starts to watch Gentleman Jack (and I’m actually embarrassed to say she’s watched it all and I haven’t even started because I’ve been writing my book lately), which really fucking surprised me given at how sapphic it is. 
And then we get to today’s football match of the Women’s World Cup. England vs Cameroon and I had watched most of the game at work but got home as the second half came to a close. And here’s where you’ll find out just who my mother is. 
Mother: Look at the ref, he can’t even keep them under control! Me: Mum, she’s a woman. You can’t have a male referee in a women’s football game. Mother: What? Look at it! It’s got no tits, it’s a man! Me: Have you seen what a sports bra is? Mum, you can’t have a male ref for a women’s game! It wouldn’t be right! Mother: Well the managers are men! Seriously, look at it! Look at it! It’s a man! Its got no tits and look at its face! It’s a man!
A small loud-voiced debate ensues because my little brother starts copying my Mum and claims the referee is a man or a male. I keep saying she’s a woman, because not only is she that just by looking at her, the goddamn announcers said she was. Moreover, I was just trying to correct my Mum from using ‘it’ as a way to describe a person. I even told her outright you shouldn’t use ‘it’ when talking about a person or someone you don’t know. 
Having none of it, my mother kicked off louder than a steam engine at me. After about a minute of me and Dad talking about how good the match was to watch and how Women’s Football is amazing to see, my Mum starts to hurl abuse at me and points the finger, even so far as I was fearful to get beaten. And I have been before, even at 22. But this is not me saying I get routinely beaten, nor am I saying that my experiences are the worst kind and that I suffer more than any other queer. That is not what I’m saying nor insinuating. I’m only telling you what I get and why other queers might not get this verbal and emotional abuse for the same reasons, and here’s why. 
Mother: I am sick of you fucking having a go at me for all the gay shit! You’re not the only one who supports the gays! You’re not the only one! No one is allowed to have an opinion around you are they! Not when it comes to this gay shit are they? Fuck off! You’re horrible! You’re a horrible little fucker just because you support the gays! Well you’re not the only one! You think you fucking know me! Yeah well you don’t know me as well as you fucking think you do!
For the record, once again. I came out in 2017 as bisexual, and my Mum thought it was a phase and that I was confused. 
And some more disclaimers - this isn’t the only case of this shit, and there’s worse that I don’t want to put in here. I’m only writing this because it literally just happened. But this is why queers of other sexualities might not get this. Ace people and pan people would get this too, and we can all attest to the fucking fury and hurt it instills. 
Even after coming out, I’m still considered straight. 
EVEN AFTER COMING OUT, I’M STILL CONSIDERED TO BE STRAIGHT.
And not only that, I’m fucking punished for not acting straight. Even after coming out, and affirming for two years that I’m not, I’m still considered straight and punished and seen as lesser for not acting it. What the fuck?
And yeah, I realise now just how stupid it is writing this, but adults are fucking horrible and this is what it’s like. 
I actually wish these people were not my parents and were just dead. It would be easier. Or maybe if I was just dead it would be easier for the world as a whole? Can’t even tell anymore. 
Who cares? No one cares. Sorry for making this. But this is what shitty mental health looks like. 
I fucking hate this world.
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