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#my heartbreak playlist is on why do i do this to myself
maybankslover · 11 months
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long sleeves- jj maybank
jj maybank x pogue!reader
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warnings: friends with benefits, angst, heartbreak
summary: the choice he makes is the one she didn't want
playlist: I miss you, I'm sorry and long sleeves by gracie abrams
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I can't love her the way she deserves, every morning wishing she'll pretend it's just the wind so it doesn't breaks me more than it already does when I'm leaving her, that hurt knowing look on her face when she realises I'm leaving, probably the same look she wears while waking up to an empty bed. I do love her, it's just too complicated.
I get up to leave once her breathing it's steady, once I know she's asleep.
"j?" she asks as I open the door.
"it's just the wind, going to the bathroom sweetheart." I give her another lie, she gives in to her sleep. I won't get her sweet goodmornings or the pancakes she makes me cause she know I like 'em but it's the best I can do for now. I said forever and she fell for it, it's my fault and I know it, I thought she would hate me by now but she doesn't. I don't know why she doesn't.
John b stares at me as I enter the chetau, noding 'no' with his head. "I know you do love her but if it is as you say let her go jj, you are tearing her apart and she won't be the one leaving you." I ignore him as I walk past him going to my room.
every bit of this house is haunted by memories of her and I. from the times big john used to tell us stories, to the first friendship bracelet we shared, to all the times she has taken care of mu wounds and to our first kiss. I hate myself, I should be taking care of her. I'm her best friend and the reason she cries herself to sleep.
I hear her voice as I lay in bed, she talks a bit with our friends before coming to me.
"hey j." her sweet voice and a kiss to my cheek warm my heart.
"hey." Her smile falls a little as I don't give her much attention and it falls again to my phone.
"I wanted to tell you something." she sits beside me and i lay my phone down to look at her instead. "matt asked me on a date." what?.
"oh cool." I see un her eyes the answer she was looking for wasn't that one.
"what do you think I should do?" she bites her bottom lip, the one I love to kiss.
"you should go on it y/n/n, he seems like a chill guy." Her eyes fill with tears, and I hate myself once again for being the reason of that sight.
"oh okay, i-i need to leave." she gets up and grabs her bag.
"y/n/n."
"no, no it's just- I don't know what I was expecting." she rushes out of the room and I watch her leave.
"y/n/n?" I hear John b saying in the distance, probably in the front porch. "oh pumpkin, come her." a heart breaking sob comes from her.
"why can't he love me john b? what did I do wrong?" my tears fall but I don't go after her. and I hate myself for that too.
🌊🌊🌊
hey everyone, feedback is always appreciated! as I don't know how to get back my masterlist all my post are under the tag #maybankslover.
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justangelheree · 4 months
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step on me- matt sturniolo
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masterlist
warnings: heartbreak, insecure thoughts, crying, panic attack, use of drugs/alcohol, kissing, a little bit of “smut” ig, arguing, cursing, use of y/n. not proof read! this is for my soft girls.
summary: reader is in love with matt but would never tell him. when matt kisses another girl will she snap?
anytime i’ve every tried to make a move on matt or give him hints his mind is on another topic. i don’t want to step my boundaries when he’s working on himself. my mental health would make his worse and i would never want to do that to him.
so i kept my distance but lately he’s been flirting with me making little comments about what i had on. i was getting ready for a meeting an he just had to say “wow you look amazing do a spin for me” smiling at him i of course twirled around as my heels clinked the floor. he pulled me in by my waist just looking at me licking his lips.
“matt i have to go i’ll see you when i get back” i said pulling him into a hug. i walked out the door repeating in my mind.
you can’t y/n.
you would ruin him.
just forget about it.
he’d never like someone like you.
now here i am getting ready for a party that he’s going to repeating those same words. i apply my makeup covering my dark circles from the sleepless nights i’ve had. i finished my makeup putting on lipgloss as i walk to closet choosing what to wear.
do i go casual with just a black dress? my eyes wondered around my closet grabbing a black lacy top, a leather skirt, some tights, and a black jacket. i slipped my clothes on looking at myself. all i see is person who isn’t me. why am i trying to impress him?
i sigh as i unlock my phone scrolling through tiktok and instagram. i get a call from nick that they were there to pick me up. my stomach dropped forgetting matt was driving me. i took a deep breath in saying back into the phone that i’ll be right out.
i put my boots on as i walked outside my house and locking the door behind me. i was met with nicks smile as i got in the back seat. “hey guys what’s up” i spoke softly as i put my seatbelt on. “nothing much just been chilling all day” chris answered as i nod my head. “i’m just got super tired i don’t know why” i groan. matt looked back to me in the mirror as he said “you alright” i gave him a smile nodding my head once again. “okay let’s go!” nick said tapping matt’s arm.
the whole car ride was filled with jamming out to song after song. i knew a few but some of them i didn’t know that i was for sure going to be adding to my playlist. i tried to ignore the stare i was getting everything we were at a red light. whether it was through the mirror or him turning his head to talk to one of his brothers but i just couldn’t keep my eyes off him. i never can.
as we arrived to the party there was already people doing every drug in the book. matt found somewhere to park once again looking at me for far to long. my thoughts were cut off as nick told me to come on as he opened my door. i groaned as i hopped out.
i was hit with the smell of weed as i walked through the door. i smiled to myself as i said bye to the boys an i made my way to the liquor. i started making myself a vodka and sprite swaying my hips a little to the music in the background.
i sipped my cup thinking i had to get my mind off matt. i found a fine ass man leaning against the wall as i down my drink an walk over to him. “wanna dance” i questioned. “sure baby” he answered as i grabbed his hand and brought him to where everyone was dancing at.
my back was now against his chest my hand reaching behind me for his neck as i moved my hips against him. his hands on my hips wrapping around my waist. i moan as he runs his hands up my torso to my boobs. he slightly laughs as he puts his head in my shoulder kissing as i tilt my head to the side.
i look to the side as i am met with those pretty blue eyes i was avoiding all night. his look is something i’ve never seen before, jealousy shaming me from his eyes to mine. the man i was dancing with now had became someone i needed to get away from.
as the song ended i pull away from him as i spoke “it was amazing dancing with you but i have to go find my friends” i walked away groaning. once again making another drink putting more alcohol than i need. why am i freaking out like i just cheated? i’m not even with him.
i grab the whole bottle of tito’s sipping it as i walk outback. i sit down on a chair pulling out a cigarette lighting it with the lighter from my pocket. “you look like you’re going through a tough time” i look up to see who it was. “chris why do you always have to care so much?” i spoke taking a hit from my cigarette.
“because i can tell you’ve made some bad decisions tonight since you have a whole bottle of alcohol and you’re smoking” he sighed sitting to me. i knew when he started conversations like this i would have to tell him what’s wrong. “well first i was dancing on a dude who i don’t even like. second your brother never wants to make up his mind an it’s driving me crazy.” i said throwing the end of my cig on the ground smashing it with my shoe.
he wrapped his arms around me hugging me. “i’m sorry i know how he gets y/n.” he spoke softly as i smiled. his eyes wondered as he gasped covering my eyes with his hand. “i don’t want you to die from drinking so much so please don’t look.” he stated. “chris what the fuck are you talking about let me see” i ripped his hand of my eyes looking where his eyes were.
“oh my god i think im gonna throw up” i said as i tried to move but i couldn’t eyes glued on to matt kiss some girl. one hand on her waist and the other on her face kissing her with passion. i felt my stomach turn as i shook my head grabbing the bottle and trying to get away asap. “y/n wait!” chris yelled after me as he got up. thoughts wouldn’t stop running through my head.
why did i dance with that guy.
is that why matt kissed her?
was he jealous?
y/n he would never like you that’s why he kissed another girl.
my breath going in and not coming out as i put a hand on chest trying to calm myself down as tears ran down my face. how could i be so stupid? i was now against a wall in a hallway of a house i don’t know throwing my head back panicking because i couldn’t breath. until i felt a pair of arms wrap around me. “it’s okay. please breath y/n. just breath” chris said.
i fell to floor him catching me. “chris i can’t.” i spoke softly crying against him. “can’t what? talk to me it’s just us.” he said rubbing my back. “i can’t live knowing i’m in love with matt, i’m so sorry because i know that’s your brother and you’re supposed to be there for him.” i whispered pulling away an sitting against the wall.
he slides to me making sure i’m okay. “why does he have to walk all over me?” i question putting my face in my palms. “maybe because he’s an idiot” he quietly laughs. “go find him. talk to him. set him straight” he encouraged me. “thank you chris i don’t know what i would do without you” i say giving him a hug and getting up.
i walked into every room, every corner, every hallway, but no matt. until he was right behind me calling my name. i froze, i wanted to talk to him but now i don’t think i want a answer to any of my questions. i turned around as i was face to face with the man who’s messing with my head.
“we need to talk” we both spoke to each other. i nodded grabbing his hand bringing him to a empty room. “chris said you wanted to talk to me” he said sitting on the bed infront of us. “why do you act like this?” i asked bluntly. “like what y/n.” he answered with confusing.
“like you want to kiss me one moment then you want to kiss another girl the other. god how could i be so stupid.” i say raising my voice. matt didn’t said anything just looked down. “i hate to say this but you’ve taken control of my mind matt! you’re spinning inside my head every second i breath. i have to distract myself with boys who will never compare to you!” i spoke pushing my finger into his chest.
“y/n please..” i cut him off speaking again.
“you have ahold of my heart an you can squeeze every drop of blood out of it but please don’t tell me you don’t feel anything between us!” my voice getting louder. “y/n!” he yelled. i stepped back from him.
“god you don’t get it do you? you’re the only girl i want. that girl meant nothing to me! just seeing you with someone who isn’t me mad me jealous.” he spoke pulling me in between his legs. “jealous?” i questioned looking down at him. “yes. just seeing another guy look at you makes me angry and i am so sorry that i kissed her i promise i don’t want her.” he said rubbing the back of my thighs.
“i’m sorry too matt. i should have never danced with that guy when all i wanted was you.” i sighed grabbing his chin so his eyes meet mine. “i love you okay don’t you forget it” he almost whispered to me. “i love you more than life itself matt.” i whisper back putting his face in my hand.
“can you kiss me?” he asked looking up at me with almost doe eyes. i nodded my head leaning down connecting our lips. he pulled my legs so i was sitting on his lap not breaking the kiss.
matt sturniolo was going to ruin me.
a/n: arm guys this was so bad but i hoped you enjoyed! my next 3 fics will be requested matt smuts so get your horny asses ready!
as always i🤍u.
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thetriplets3 · 6 months
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hi i have a request 😁
a slow dancing in a parking lot vibe
❝𝐬𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞❞
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warnings: swearing, shitty bf saying shitty things
shoutout to @emmssturniolo for editing go show her some love
matt and i have known each other for years before we started dating. he’s been there for all my shitty boyfriends who left me feeling like i wasn’t worthy of love and questioning if they loved me the way i loved them. matt knew all the cliché things i always wanted to do, but my exes refused saying i was embarrassing them.
i made my way through the dark parking lot, my head constantly checking around me to make sure no one was following me. i hate walking alone in the dark; it’s so much easier for things to hide i don’t feel safe. i make it Jake’s mom’s 2000 Toyota Echo and i can already hear the obnoxiously loud music playing on the radio. i know he knows i don’t like loud music or noise in small spaces, he chooses to do it anyway. opening my door and sitting in my seat, i cringe at the volume, reaching to turn the volume down to a bearable level.
“don’t touch the fucking volume” he snaps as he turns it back up.
slinking myself further into the seat, i roll my eyes at his behavior. the next song starts, and i can’t help but let a little gasp out.
“i love this song! let’s dance!” i suggest, excitement evident in my voice.
“stop with that shit; i’m not doing that with you; it’s embarrassing” he spits, turning the car engine on and driving out of the lot.
i’m used to it. it’s always the same thing every time i wanna do something “coupley” he refuses saying he won’t do it with me it’s embarrassing. i always had this idea of a fairytale relationship and this was far from it. i couldn’t deal with him anymore today; he was constantly shutting me down, dismissing me, or being snapping at me.
“can you drop me off at nick’s please?” i quietly ask, scared of his response
without a word, he turns onto the triplets street, stopping the car in front of their house. “get out” bitterness filling his voice. slamming the car door on my way out i storm up their driveway, filled with emotion. i turn around, raising both my arms in the air, and flip him off, finishing it with “fuck you jake” as loud as i can. the boys have always told me i don’t need to knock but i do except for today, i just needed to see someone who wasn’t jake. that someone was matt.
matt patiently listened to me rant about how shitty jake made me feel and ask what i did wrong.
matt knows me better than anyone. i feel stupid for not seeing it sooner; it would have saved me from a lot of heartbreaking relationships. on days i don’t feel well he stops what he’s doing to come be with me, stopping at the store to get my favorite things to cheer me up. whether a day is the worst day of my life, the best day of my life, or just a normal day, he’s there with my favorite flowers. knowing how much i love them he’ll find any excuse to get me them just to see the smile on my face. i never had to remind him of things; he knows me inside out; what music i listen to (he even has a playlist of all my favorite songs); he can sense when i’m getting overwhelmed and want to get away from whatever it is that we’re doing; he knows that i find his hand cradling my head during a hug to be grounding; he listens like actually listens; his eyes are so intently watching and hanging on to every word.
i always felt like i had to remind my exes to love me, but with matt he was the one reminding me i’m loved. he did everything no one else cared to do and he paid attention to things most people ignored. everything he does melts my heart because i’ve never been treated like this. like i deserve.
today was one of those days where everything just feels off and you can’t pinpoint why. facetiming matt in the morning, he seemed to have noticed i wasn’t my normal self. bringing it up in the most gentle way he suggested going for a drive.
“is everything okay sweetheart? you don’t need to explain, i just want to know if you’re okay. how about we go for a drive later tonight? clear your head. let me bare some of the weight from your shoulders” the love and tenderness in his voice is all the confirmation i’ll ever need.
sitting on the old wooden bench by the front door, i slip my socks and shoes on just as matt knocks on the door. opening the door i collapse into his arms before he takes my hand and walks me to his car. planting a soft kiss to the back of my hand before dropping it to open my door.
“my love” he says with a little bow, making me giggle.
our linked hands lie on the center console, matt’s thumb mindlessly rubbing the back of my hand. the smallest gestures make me feel so loved. tonight’s destination of choice was the empty parking lot of a frozen yogurt shop. our first date. our deep conversations are always my favorite, he’s so emotionally intelligent i love listening to him voice his thoughts, opinions, and advice. to lighten the mood after those deep talks he softly plays music. immediately i recognize the song, a smile toying at my lips.
“i-” my voice trails off, remembering what happened every time i mentioned a song and how some made me wanna dance.
“what? go on” he urges me to continue, turning his body in his seat to face me giving me his full attention.
another thing i love about matt is his patience. he knows i tend to bite my tongue when it comes to sharing my opinions because i was afraid of the response i’d get, so he encourages me to continue, in turn reassuring me that my thoughts and opinions are valid.
“i love this song it’s so beautiful” i say
without a word, matt gets out of the car and walks around the car, leaving me confused until my door opens and matt’s there with his hand out for me to grab hold of.
“may i have this dance, pretty girl?” he asks, letting a laugh slip through his serious façade.
“i’d love to” i whisper.
letting go of my hand for a second he reaches into the car and turns the volume up just loud enough for us to hear it. i smile to myself at his thoughtful gesture, making sure i was out of the car before turning the volume up. no one’s ever taken so much consideration to make sure i’m comfortable like he does.
my thoughts are interrupted by matt circling his arms around my waist, instantly my hands finding their home at the nape of his neck and in his hand. pulling me closer to him, i rest my head on his shoulder, the smell of his cologne bringing me even more comfort. our bodies sway to the music enjoying this moment.
matt gently pushes my body away from his and raises our joined hands, ready to twirl me. it wasn’t the most graceful twirl ever, filled with giggles at my lack of dancing skills. as i turn back to face matt i let go of his hand and wrap both my hands at the nape of his neck mindlessly playing with his hair. our eyes are locked on each other, having a conversation of their own. with watery eyes and a big smile, i’ve never felt so loved. he has done everything and more than anyone else has and he never lets me forget how much he loves me.
matt rests his forehead against mine, eyes starting into mine. softly, he whispers the lyrics to me, never breaking eye contact
❝𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 ��𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬, 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞❞
a few tears escape my eyes. this isn’t his type of music at all yet he’s made the effort to listen to it and remember the words knowing how much i love this song. no one will ever love me more than matt, he’s it for me, he’s all i’ve ever needed.
“i love you thank you for showing me what it feels like to be unconditionally loved. i can’t wait for a lifetime of being loved by you” i gush.
“loving you was never something i had to think about; it’s just natural. how can anyone look at you and not see that you deserve every star in the universe? you shine so brightly that i can’t believe people made you feel like you should hide that light. you are worthy of love and i’m happy i get to be the one to show you. i love you sweet girl. i’ll love you for a lifetime and every one after that. you’re the sun to me” he confesses, placing a loving tender kiss on my lips.
taglist: @antisocialties @iluvmatt @dwntwn-strnlo @fake-coolbeans @opheliaofficial07 @angelcake-222 @oneirophobic @strniolo @lollibumblebee @ssturniolo @20nugs @abbie13sworld
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bvidzsoo · 2 months
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Love Me Like A Rockstar (4)
Chapter 4: Comatose
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Author: bvidzsoo
Pairing: Song Mingi x female reader
Warning: cussing, mentions of a panic attack
Word count: 8,129
Summary: Love. You wanted none of it. You had already been heartbroken very badly once, you didn't wish to go through that ever again. But the Universe works in intricate ways and, somehow, you found yourself webbed up in a local rockstar's life, Song Mingi. He was everything you expected him to be, yet nothing like you imagined him he would be. What happens when you find mutual understanding and have heartful conversations? Will he be able to break down your walls? Will you be able to chase away his darkness?
A/N: Hello, lovelies! The long awaited 4th chapter is here and omg I'm so sorry for the long wait! I haven't even realized it's been a month since my last update...but I had a lot of stuff to do for my University and just didn't find the time to write, but here I am now, and I'll try to update next week or after that! I promise you'll have lots of Mingi next chapter *wink wink*, but I hope after reading this chapter Yn's attitude will make more sense, and that she won't be so insufferable anymore to you all reading. Please listen to the fourth song Comatose before or while reading this chapter! Yes, I have totally made Mingi wear his waterbomb outfit in this chapter because waterbomb Mingi shall NEVER be forgotten, goodbye. Please leave feedback, I truly appreciate it! Enjoy now! I have a surprise coming next chapter, hehet^^
Taglist: @orshii @or5i @lovely-red2 @juicy-red @scarfac3 @sunaswifes-blog @voicesinmyhead-rc @teez-the-time @maru-matt @kyeos4ng
⟨Series M.list ↭ Previous Chapter⟩
♫Playlist♫
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『I don't care enough to miss you
After all the shit we've been through
My heart's comatose, comatose』
The blinking of the cursor was staring back at me mockingly, a reminder that my fingers haven’t moved in the past ten minutes. No thoughts connected to the theme of my project came to mind, no matter how hard I tried and how many articles I read. My mind seemed to be blank at the moment and it seemed like it wouldn’t get any better anytime soon. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling well. And that usually reflects in my work and influences my whole mood, and even day. I thought I would have a very productive day as I got ready this morning and went to the library to finish my art assignment, however, the little kick I had, came crushing down the second Mingi decided to sit with me. Well, perhaps that one small factor wasn’t the real reason which ruined my mood and brought me to the brink of a panic attack, and the current void and emptiness I have been feeling in my chest ever since. Perhaps it was the mention of Jeong Yunho and the reminder of how little I have always meant to him. My lower lip quivered again, and I allowed myself to fall back in the chair I was sitting in, staring up at my white ceiling in desperation. Why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be Yunho again? Was the Universe having a laugh at me? What were the chances that this Song Mingi was the same Song Mingi Yunho never shut up about while we were dating? It was frustrating. It was maddening and it was…mocking. I couldn’t help but feel bitter the longer I allowed the image of Mingi and Yunho laughing, hanging out, falling all over each other, linger in my mind. Their hearts filled with joy and their time spent with endless conversations, late night trips to the convenience store, random road trips and the overall feeling of knowing that you always had one person you could rely on no matter what. What did Mingi have that I didn’t? What did Yunho see in him that he never saw in me? Why was Mingi better than me? And why…was I suddenly feeling this vial jealousy creeping up in my chest like an ugly monster, the whisper of thoughts I have always tried to push to the depths of my mind after Yunho’s sudden, but heartbreaking, departure from my life?
『Straight coats and empty cabinets
Ashes from all the mess you left
New lease without you
I confess that I'm happy you're gone』
What was it about Song Mingi that Yunho was so infatuated with? What was it with Song Mingi that everyone seemed to like and gravitate towards? All I could see was the arrogance and self-centeredness rolling off of him in waves any time he entered a room. The need to shine and be the center of attention, to be the only person anyone was able to see, to focus on. The constant smirk or grin on his lips, almost always mocking or just an awful reminder that he was better than you—it was subtle, but it was there. The mischievous glint in his eyes as he watched your every move, hiding behind a wall of emotionlessness, sharp eyes watching but not giving anything away. There was no honesty in his expressions or in his actions. But why did nobody else see that? Why was I the only one picking up on how insincere Mingi actually was? Why did nobody question what he hid behind those dark and sharp eyes? His face so often void of any emotion. And then, to further prove my confusion, the Mingi I talked to today was—why did he feel different? Everything staring from his appearance to his behavior was unlike the infuriating person I have come to know. He portrayed a calm and collected nature, albeit still mischievous as he had taken my sketchbook without my permission, yet it was so clear on his face that he didn’t have any mal intentions. What prompted him to approach me out of the blue and why did he look almost…lonely? What drew him to smile so much and so freely? It certainly couldn’t have been me; I have done everything I could to make him feel unwelcome and uncomfortable, yet he…stayed. He talked without a care in the world, almost as if he forgot I would be judging his every move and sentence. He almost looked curious of who I was, trying to make conversation in which I did not want to engage in. What was it about Yunho that made his eyes sparkle so much? Why did Yunho have so much of an influence on Mingi? Why did it have to be Mingi? Why does Yunho have to be everywhere around me even after he leaves? Does Yunho really mean that much to Mingi? Just how deep is their bond? But the most jarring thought amidst the spiraling of my mind into a place I did not wish for it to go, was a very simple one. Why do I care about Song Mingi all of a sudden? Why do all these things matter to me all of a sudden? Who is Song Mingi to me to send me into an existential crisis, into a state of nervosity, and restlessness, and so much bitterness? He’s just a guy. A guy who is very irritating, arrogant, self-centered, and a pushover. A guy who only wants attention and is superficial. A guy who forgets about you the second he’s turned his back to you. A guy who only likes you until you’re new and exciting. When you start becoming boring, what does it matter anymore? Why would he keep you around for longer? Perhaps him and Yunho have more in common than I would have thought at first.
『So used to pain that it's my remedy
Easy to hate, I gave you everything
Funny that you're the one that ran away
You left me first』
I couldn’t do this anymore, I had to stop thinking. I needed my brain to shut up, to stop torturing me more than I was already hurting. I refused to reach my breaking point again just because Mingi mentioned that Yunho was his best friend—why was I giving him so much power? Trying to snap out of it, I groaned loudly as I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my palms, sitting up straight again to try and focus for the last time on my project. I had to get this done in two days, I really couldn’t slack off anymore. So, I opened the previous tab I was reading from and scrolled up in order to start reading the article from the beginning once again, hoping that the words in it would finally stick. But despite my attempt to finally focus on the only important task at hand, the loud ping of my phone quickly pulled my attention away from it. I jumped at the loud sound and cursed silently, having forgotten to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’. My eyes snapped down to it mildly annoyed, but quickly furrowed when I realized it was a message from an unknown number. I stared at it for a few seconds, eyebrows furrowing in suspicion.
Unknown: are u coming to Outlaw tonight?
Before I could really control myself, curiosity overtook me. It must’ve been someone who knows me since they were asking about Outlaw. They must have seen me there last time.
Me: who’s this? Unknown: mingi lol
My eyebrows instantly furrowed as I stared down at the message, my stomach doing a weird flip. My fingers hovered over the screen of my phone, tempted to just quickly block his number and forget about the past ten seconds, because what the fuck? How did he even get my number? I certainly don’t remember giving it to him.
Me: wtf? how do you have my number. Unknown: wooyoung
I blinked, mind blanching for a second. Wooyoung? That made even less sense as Wooyoung and I have met just once and I have not given him my phone number. I waited for a few seconds longer, waiting for Mingi to explain further, but it never came. No small dots indicating that he was texting anything else. I groaned and looked at my pale green wall for a second, trying to collect my thoughts and not throw my phone out the window. Why did he have to have my number? Was this Mingi’s way of getting on my nerves even more? And now I had to figure out how Wooyoung got my number—oh. I tsked in disbelief, eyes zooning in on the picture of Seulgi and myself I had on display on my desk. Of course, that little bitch. Why would she ask me first before giving my phone number to a complete stranger—even if Mingi wasn’t that, I still didn’t want him to have it.
Me: whatever, i’m blocking you. Unknown: so, are you coming then? Me: no, mingi, i am not.
I rolled my eyes at Mingi’s insistency of getting an answer and blatant ignorance towards my threat of blocking him—which wasn’t as menacing as I wished for it to be. But it only took him seconds to answer, and I tried not to think about how quickly he was responding.
Unknown: ok
My eyes narrowed at his simple—and sharp—answer, fingers hovering over the keyboard to fire an insult at him if he went ahead and started leaving more messages, wanting to remind him that I was not in any shape or form curious to hear any more of his bullshit. The bitterness was quite strong in the back of my head, jealousy searing through my body—I couldn’t help it. A minute or two passed, but Mingi wasn’t typing anything else and I huffed, irritated by his antics. Why was he even asking if I would go to Outlaw? I hated it the first time—well, maybe that was a little lie—and I still hate it now, so therefore I had not one reason to go and watch him perform again. Not one particle in my body wished to hear his raspy voice accompanied by a guitar, bass, and drums. I was quite content by going to bed early tonight and forgetting about the whole day, hoping that my chest would feel less heavy in the morning and the green monster would be gone from my head. And yet, despite my better judgment, my fingers worked quickly, before my mind could even register what I was doing, and I was saving Mingi’s number. There was no desire in me to have his name in my phone under any shape, so I stopped for a second to ponder over the many options I could be calling him, such as: idiot, dumbass, jackass, prick, mr. arrogant—were sounding rather pleasing to my ears—and yet, despite the wicked grin I had on my lips, my mind seemed to settle for a simple ‘I hate him’. His number was saved in my phone without putting more thought into what I was doing, and I was placing my phone aside, attention going back to my project. Now, there was nothing in the world which could disturb me again—but then my phone rang. I groaned loudly and felt like pulling on my hair, staring at my cursed phone heatedly. I was half expecting Mingi’s number to pop-up, but thankfully it wasn’t him. That would’ve been the last straw for today, I certainly would’ve gone crazy. Instead, it was Seulgi calling and I knew she had something important to say if she wasn’t texting. I picked up, albeit with disdain.
“Hey!” She sounded cheerful, excited. Very much the opposite of my mood right now.
“Hi.” I muttered and started tapping my forefinger against my desk, staring down at the article I had opened in front of me.
“You sound like you want to kill someone.”
“And I do.” My answer made Seulgi laugh, making me sigh. And that person was Song Mingi, of course.
“What’s got your panties in a twist this time, huh?” Seulgi’s voice was playful, and unfortunately, it was only building up my irritation. She didn’t have any bad intentions, but I couldn’t handle her cheeriness and playfulness at the moment. I needed to be alone. I needed to not think and just get shit done.
“Why did you call?” I preferred not to answer her question as I asked another one, voice not snappy just tired as Seulgi remained silent for a second on the other end.
“Noir Zenith are performing at Outlaw tonight,” I knew where this was going, I just gulped realizing Mingi had asked the same thing of me just mere minutes ago, “Do you want to come with me?”
“No.” My answer was too fast and harsh, I quickly tried to mend it, “I’ve got a family thing—issue, I mean. I’m sorry, but I can’t come because of it…”
My voice got quiet as I trailed off, not particularly fond of lying to my best friend, but I really didn’t want to go out tonight and I knew if I told Seulgi the real reason she would complain and complain until I finally gave in, her tactic of coercion working just fine on me. I never stood a chance in front of her when she would start complaining and whining and bringing up all the times I have bailed on her in the past.
“Oh,” It wasn’t hard to hear the disappointment in her voice, and if I weren’t in such a bad headspace at the moment I would have felt awful, “it’s fine, I get it. But…you do know you can tell me anything, right?”
I sighed loudly, “I know, thanks Seulgi, and sorry. I’ll make it up to you somehow.”
“Don’t worry about it,” She was smiling now, adding a small chuckle too, “We all have bad days, I’ll see you at university tomorrow?”
“Most certainly.” A small smile made it onto my face and Seulgi quickly bid her goodbye as we hung up, silence enveloping me. I didn’t forget to press the ‘do not disturb’ button this time as I placed my phone on my desk, next to my laptop, and faced the article taunting me. Not finishing this project today wasn’t an option anymore, and so, I quickly dove in, the torturing thoughts finally silent somehow.
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            The hours went by quickly and despite my mind struggling to focus on the task at hand, I made it. I finished the project in about four hours and it definitely gave me a little confidence boost, which I desperately needed after the emotional turmoil I was forced to face today. My mind was a mess. I was tired and I needed to sleep. I didn’t even care how early or late it was as I got into bed, forgetting to wash my face or even change into my pajamas, I just needed to lay my head down and close my eyes. And it was working well…until it wasn’t. The warmth of my thick blanket enveloped me and my head grew heavier as my muscles relaxed, the comfort of my bed bringing peace to my loud thoughts. It felt nice. To finally be able to forget everything that’s happened today, to just let go and…sleep. I really needed this; I haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time. I have never been good at dealing with my feelings, I usually pushed them away and ignored everything I felt…until they blew up in my face. Then, I would finally break and it was chaotic and messy. I knew it was the wrong coping mechanism, but I couldn’t help it. Nothing else worked, because I just couldn’t deal with the pain. I hated the overwhelming thoughts, the pressing heaviness and constant pain. I just simply didn’t want to deal with them. Drawing was a nice way of escaping my reality, but lately it didn’t help. It drew me up the wall, it was so frustrating. So many emotions had been steering hidden deep inside these past weeks, I didn’t know how to deal with them—I didn’t want to deal with them, actually. I needed them silent, gone.
And despite needing to sleep right now, eyes heavy and mind fuzzy, it wasn’t working. Nothing helped. My mind was silent, yet my ears were buzzing, whispers so quiet in the back of my head that I could barely hear them. My chest was heavy, it felt like I needed to cry, but my throat was closing in on me, refusing to let any tears to the surface. I could breathe, but at the same time I couldn’t. Turning on to my left side did nothing, but snap my eyes open. Why couldn’t I sleep? Why was this feeling returning? Why couldn’t I just rest for one fucking second?! I buried my head into my pillow and let out a silent scream, punching the soft mattress of my bed next to my head, legs trashing around as I needed to let out the creeping hysteria in my body somehow. Was I finally going crazy? Was my mother’s premonition finally blending into reality? She did randomly while watching TV, one month ago, tell me that I would soon face a challenging obstacle in my life, which would feel suffocating and relieving at the same time. Mind running per hour, I shot up in a sitting position and gaped at nothing in particular, recalling the memory of said night. But my mother said nothing else as she went back to watching TV, acting as if what she had said to me was totally normal. It wasn’t. But I was used to her quirky antics, she was a bit whimsical, but I loved her. Her intentions were always good and pure, she was a woman full of love and warmth…unlike me. Perhaps I was like my father…not that I could remember him, he’s left us while I was a little girl. We kept in touch until I turned approximately eight, after that…he never showed his face again. Something about moving to a new city and starting a new life, I couldn’t care less, he was never a pilar of support in my life. I didn’t need a man to bring me comfort, to make me feel safe. I had myself for that, and my mother—when things got too rough to handle on my own.
With a sigh, I reached over my bed and grabbed my sketchbook from my bedside table and turned on the small lamp, grabbing the pencil I had from underneath my pillow. Not one corner of my room was safe from my drawing supplies. I flipped the sketchbook open to a blank page and sighed, eyebrows lightly furrowing as I pressed the pencil against the soft paper. I didn’t have anything particular in mind as I started drawing. Maybe a small meadow with colorful flowers or a flower field, those sounded nice right now. It felt like they could fix my sour mood after today, like they would bring a little comfort to my overthinking brain at the moment. But I already knew I couldn’t control my hand when it came to drawing, and I wasn’t too surprised to find myself drawing the outline of a face. The lines were sharp and precise, darker around the brow bone and defining at the sharp and pointy nose. I added shading to the jawline before moving to the cheekbones, not making them too harsh. The sketch so far was looking like any regular face. It could turn into anything from here on. I could make it anyone I wanted it to be. For some reason my hand went to draw the lips instead of the eyes, usually those were the first thing I drew when starting a portrait. But this time, my brain focused on the dark outline of the plump lips and adding more depth as the Cupid’s Bow was deep and pointy. I licked my lips as I allowed my eyes to run over the eyeless portrait, subconsciously adding a small mole to the left side of its face, close to the jawline. I had a hunch where this was going, but I wanted to keep going—I couldn’t stop my brain from pushing me to just draw more. I allowed my pencil to run over the lines of the nose, making them sharper, lengthening it just like the person had it in real life. My hand hovered in the air for a second, reluctant to finally draw the eyes of the portrait, but I didn’t have it in me to stop right now. I always hated leaving my work unfinished—that was my excuse right now too, despite knowing who I was drawing once again. Yet not one particle in my body wished to stop right now, and I couldn’t help it as I finally drew lines sharp enough to accentuate the depth and glare in his deep eyes. The shading of them happened quickly and without even thinking, the small but dark mole sat comfortably underneath his right eye as I pressed my pencil firmly against the paper.
The breath which left my lips was sharp, and I gulped as my grip tightened around my pencil. I knew what I was doing this time, yet I didn’t stop it. Why? Why did I allow myself to draw—Mingi. His sharp and expressionless face stared back at me and I didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t mocking me, he didn’t have any twinkle in his eyes, he was just…there. On my paper, in my favorite journal-like sketchbook. And my heart was beating faster the longer I was looking at it. My stomach was twisting in a foreign way and I felt like I needed air. Fresh air. It felt like my room was closing in on me, I felt like I didn’t have enough space all of a sudden. The blanket falling on my lap suddenly felt too warm, like it was burning my body up. Without a second thought, I threw the sketchbook off from my lap, together with the blanket, and sprung out of bed, racing towards my closet. I threw it open and grabbed the first thing which came into view, a grey oversized jumper, as I stepped out of my slippers and slipped my phone into the pocket of my grey sweatpants, headed for my closed door. My throat was squeezing itself and it was a little hard to breathe as I frantically moved down the stairs, desperate for fresh air at this point. The light was on in the kitchen and I realized it wasn’t even ten pm yet as my mother was tinkering around, listening to some jazz music. I must’ve been loud as I almost crashed into the wall, struggling to put on my sneakers.
“Honey?” I heard my mother’s voice coming from behind me as I turned to look at her. Her ginger hair was a mess as her curls stuck out in all directions, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Everything alright?”
I nodded, fearing what my voice would sound like as I quickly wore the jumper in my hands, “Are you going out? It’s a little late…”
I hummed, licking my lips nervously, hand reaching for the doorknob, “I won’t take long, I promise.”
“Call me if you need me.” My mother had an understanding look on her face, it made my lips tremble, “I’ll pick you up.”
“Didn’t you drink?” My voice was slightly shaking as my eyes went to the wine glass she was holding in her right hand. My mother glanced down at it as if she had forgotten about it and quickly pushed it behind herself.
“We could always ride my electric scooter; I haven’t used it in quite a while.” My mother giggled at her own suggestion and I couldn’t help but let out an amused chuckle, the tightness in my throat lessening a little bit. How badly I wished to pour my heart out to her, to let my feelings finally loose, but I couldn’t. That would mean having to face what I was feeling. That would mean everything was real and not just made up by my useless brain.
“I’ll be home in an hour, don’t worry.” My mother just hummed as she watched me leave as I took my keys and closed the door carefully behind myself. The crisp air of the evening was a harsh wake-up call that I should’ve worn a jacket as well, but I didn’t have it in me to walk back inside my warm house. I couldn’t. I needed to walk. I needed to clear my mind. I had to get rid of this awful feeling in my chest. And so that’s just what I did, I walked. I took off towards nowhere particular as my feet carried me down the sidewalk, the streets illuminated by the lampposts, creating just enough light, but not too much. A few cars passed by then and now, the neighborhood relatively quiet at this hour of the evening. The cold air was biting at my cheeks and I buried my hands in my pockets, taking a deep breath before releasing it slowly. It felt nice as the cold air traveled through my throat, deep down into my lungs. It was refreshing, it was just what I needed. As I took a left turn, I left my neighborhood and realized I was headed towards the city center, more people on the road now as it was the main one. Groups of teenagers passed by me and I shivered at the sudden cold breeze. I looked around and watched as it picked up and blew the branches of the trees apart, more leaves falling to the ground, creating a blanket of orange and burgundy underneath our feet. The leaves crunched under my shoes and I felt myself smiling as I kicked into a smaller pile gathered up on the sidewalk by the wind, memories of my childhood fresh in my mind. My mother would always gather the leaves in our small backyard and then she’d take me outside and we’d play around for hours in the leaves, giggling and laughing as we’d pretend that I was a princess and she was the leaves monster trying to kidnap me from my kingdom. Despite my mother struggling at times, my childhood never lacked anything, and it was filled with many happy memories. Sometimes I wondered what changed that I turned into such a moody and sour person. There were remnants of my old self when I was with Seulgi or with my mother, but I was pretty bad at opening up to strangers, at letting others in…especially males. I couldn’t help but think they had other motives and were only waiting for the right time to fuck me over, to abandon me. My attention was brought to a couple as the girl screeched and ran past me, the boy chasing after her while holding something in his hands, giggling loudly and calling out her name. I couldn’t help but glance after them, the green monster back in my head, as the guy caught up with her and tackled her into a hug despite the girl’s loud complaints. I have realized, the guy was carrying dirt in his hands and the girl’s cheeks were already smudged with it, probably. My stomach clenched and it got harder to gulp as I tore my eyes off them, trying to take a deep breath, trying to push down the memories threatening to resurface.
But I couldn’t help it as Yunho made it to the forefront of my mind, our many dates stored away in a little treasure chest in my heart. We used to go on so many dates, Yunho loved trying out new things and visiting new places. Every second weekend he planned something new, he surprised me with something. I thought I was the luckiest girl on Earth. I thought I would never find anyone else who could love me and cherish me as much as Yunho—and perhaps I really never would. Because Yunho was special, because he made you feel like you were the only one in the whole world he could see, he could love. A small part of me still wished he loved me at some point. Of course, it did, I was so hopelessly in love with him once that everything was about him. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t live without him. He was the only thing I could think about, I could talk about. Everyone told us how well we matched; how perfect we were for each other. The both of us always smiling, always so nice to others. Before getting abandoned by Yunho, I was—I wasn’t like this. I smiled, I laughed, and I joked around a lot. I was happy and I loved life, I loved everything around me and I had this urge to discover everything life had to offer me. I couldn’t stay put in one place for too long and I always had everything planned out, each step of mine—my life next to Yunho. The promises he made were still fresh in my mind, I could still remember them despite being it a long time ago—but perhaps it wasn’t long enough, I have suddenly come to the realization of it. It was hard to breathe again as my favorite moment with Yunho was suddenly too fresh in my mind, too easy to recall. We had gone to a movie he really wished to watch, something about a girl who had to pretend she was a boy in order to make it onto the university’s football team to get revenge on her ex, it was actually a re-run as the movie had come out a long time ago, but Yunho loved it and he really wanted to watch it at the cinema. Of course I went with him, I wanted to see the movie too because Yunho loved it. And what Yunho loved, I also did. It was an easy watch, lighthearted and cheesy and predictable, it didn’t surprise me that it was one of Yunho’s favorites. But once the movie was over Yunho wanted to get ice cream, and as someone who loves ice cream—mint choco is the best flavor, fight me—I was eager to go with Yunho. But our peace of mind didn’t last for long as it started raining cats and dogs in no time, forcing us to take shelter somewhere—except that we didn’t. Yunho pulled me out into the pouring rain and he made us dance, he acted out cheesy scenes from Dirty Dancing, raising me up and flipping me around clumsily, almost dropping me in the process not even once, making me shriek and clutch onto him for dear life. I have never laughed more in my life than that night and I have never felt more loved that in that moment. Yunho’s eyes were shining with so much warmth and happiness, it was also the first time he said the words. ‘I love you.’ I couldn’t tell whether it was the rain or happy tears on my cheeks, but the sudden clenching of my heart and overwhelming feeling in my chest made me flung my body against his, holding onto Yunho’s tall frame like my life depended on it. And in that moment, I knew—I knew that I also loved him. But I couldn’t say it, not yet, not when everything felt like it was too much, so instead, I pressed my lips against his pouty ones and smiled as Yunho started giggling, only to pick me up and twirl me around in excitement before asking me to hop on his back, only for him to take off running towards his house. It was my favorite memory of us, for various reasons, but perhaps the main one was because Yunho was so sincere in that moment. Because I couldn’t hear any doubt in his words like the other times he said that he loved me.
『Straight coats and empty cabinets
Ashes from all the mess you left
New lease without you
I confess that I'm happy you're gone』
I came to a stop as my phone buzzed in my pocket, mind hazy as I tried to shake off the memory which felt so alive in my head. I could almost see it playing out in front of myself. If I reached my hand out, I could almost touch Yunho—but he wasn’t here—and I was allowing myself once again to live in the past, a very bad habit of mine. I unlocked my phone after I crossed the road, the sidewalk littered with various shops, most of them already closed as it was almost ten now. I had been walking for twenty minutes without even realizing it. Looking down at my phone, I realized Instagram had sent me a notification that Seulgi posted a story after a while. She was probably at Outlaw still, watching Noir Zenith perform. I pressed on her story and it opened to show a close-up video of the three boys performing, the camera focusing on Wooyoung for a few seconds longer before it was moved away, zooming in on playfully on Mingi. I had the volume down, I couldn’t hear what he was singing, but his eyebrows were furrowed as he was leaning forward, mouth moving in a fast way as his eyes were half-closed, veins protruding on his neck, expression almost like he was angry, almost like feelings were overwhelming him as he held the microphone in his left hand tightly. My eyebrows slightly furrowed, but I quickly pushed any thought of him away as I realized he was slightly…wet? His white shirt, the top buttons unbuttoned until they reached his chest stuck to his body and had turned almost see-through, but it didn’t seem like it bothered Mingi as he continued on performing. Heavy chains lay against the base of his throat and a blue sheer sunglass was sitting on his tall nose, almost sliding off of it as he was bobbing his head furiously to the music, his bass abandoned somewhere. As my eyes focused on the huge bracelet on his right hand and the blue and white scarf wrapped around his left wrist, both hands decorated with thick silver-colored rings, the video cut off. I remained unblinking for a second, eyebrows twitching as I realized Seulgi had posted the video not even half an hour ago. So…the band was still performing and…Mingi was looking like that. Suddenly I was glad I wasn’t there to witness him being all indecent and acting like a—something. I most certainly wouldn’t hear the endless praises if I were there and the constant screaming of his baboons—perhaps calling them his fangirls would sound nicer, but I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction—and with my current mood, that was the last thing I wanted to see and hear. Mingi was detestable and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of going to any of his other performances, finding them useless as I wasn’t even into their music. I started walking again, aware that the wind had picked up more, rustling the branches and leaves harsher, making me shiver in my underdressed state, reminding me that I should head home now. I said I wouldn’t stay out for too long, my thoughts seemed to have cleared just a little bit, besides, the cold air was enough to knock me out once I got to lay in my warm and comfortable bed.
『I don't care enough to miss you
After all the shit we've been through
My heart's comatose, comatose
I don't care enough to miss you
After all the shit we've been through
My heart's comatose, comatose』
However, the second I wanted to exit the app and put my phone away, a new story suddenly appeared in Seulgi’s spot and I gulped realizing who it was. Yunho’s happy and smiling face was taunting me in his profile picture, and before I could control myself, I pressed the icon, opening his story. The username Yuyu followed by a sunflower flashed for a second on the screen and then—and then everything around me stopped. There was no wind, there was no sound of cars passing by or people talking as they walked by me. It wasn’t cold anymore. My lungs failed me once again, but my mind went silent. Completely silent. There was a rumble in the distance, but I couldn’t say what it was. A girl, much smaller than him—and a lot cuter than myself—was laughing in the boomerang Yunho had posted, her black hair falling around her shoulders nicely, the white coat barely hiding the short lavender colored dress she was wearing. And Yunho—he looked so happy, he looked—whole. His face had gotten fuller, yet features sharper since the last time I had seen him. I have forgotten that I was still following him on Instagram. He had his arm around the girl’s shoulder and was actively pulling her into his side as he was smiling brightly too, his protruding front teeth showing as he had his eyes on the girl only. He had tagged her too and I was clicking on her name fast, before even thinking about what I was doing. Her profile was public and she had many posts. Most of herself, but there were some of the places she’s traveled to as well. But her most recent post—was with Yunho. The two sitting on a bench, then a selfie, and then a picture of the place they had been at, with the caption of: ‘Luckiest girl in the world!’ I gulped and closed the app, taking a deep breath, realizing that I had started shaking.
『You wasted all my fucking time
Were never really in my life
You were further than I could imagine
I love you, but fuck you』
Why did my legs feel like jelly all of a sudden? Why did the heaviness in my chest get even worse? Why was I reacting like this? It made no sense. Yunho broke up with me three years ago and I was over him. He hurt me more than anyone has before, but I was over him. I have let go; I have released the feelings I have felt for him. But then why did it bother me so much that he found happiness with someone else? Why did it leave a bitter taste in my mouth? Suddenly why was the green monster back and making me clutch my phone tightly in my hand? If he was able to find someone, to be happy again, why wasn’t I doing the same thing? Why was I incapable of loving? Of being loved? Of opening up and letting in new people? Why was I forcing myself to wallow in my own misery? Why was I punishing myself by constantly living in the past? What more could I want? Why did I still wish for Yunho to return and apologize for everything he’s done, for the gap he’s left in my heart? For the turmoil he’s caused in my head, for the ache that never really went away with his departure from my life? And it hit me lick a wall of bricks, that something was hitting my flaming cheeks. Another rumble, and I realized it was thunder. Head tilting back, I realized it was raining—pouring. Washing away the tears which were making my eyes burn. When did it start raining? Why did everything hurt so much? I couldn’t help the sudden sob which wracked my body as I put my phone in my pocket as a futile attempt to keep it dry as my clothes were getting drenched the longer I stood unmoving on the sidewalk. But my feet felt heavy, rendering me frozen to the spot. Nobody was outside anymore. I was alone. Just as always. No matter how many people cared for me, I was still alone in hurting, in dealing with the mess I was. And it hurt. It made me cry harder as I pressed a hand against my mouth, trying to muffle my pathetic sobs. But it felt good—so good to finally let it all out, to just finally allow the misery to come to the surface, to acknowledge that I couldn’t deal with these feelings anymore. My chest hurt, my heart ached, my throat was getting more and more restricting, lungs burning for air, but I couldn’t fully breathe, gasping for air caused by my violent sobs. But the wind was picking up again and my body started shivering, and I realized I couldn’t stand on the sidewalk anymore bawling my eyes out as I got drenched in rain.
So, I looked around and found a place open not too far up ahead and took off running towards it, trying to get the strands of hair out of my eyes as they stuck to my skin. The diner was small and still open, the big windows showed nobody inside besides the girl behind the counter. I didn’t consider the way I looked as I threw the door open and stepped inside, alerting the girl as the doorbell chimed. She looked up and for a second we stared at each other, her eyes widening as her eyes wandered all over my body, making me sniff. At least I wasn’t sobbing anymore, just heaving for air. I must’ve looked horrible as I took off towards a table in the back, closer to the restrooms, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel embarrassed over my appearance. I fell against the cushion of the bench and tried to regulate my breathing, biting my lower lip as I realized my eyes were burning and my skin was ice cold. I couldn’t believe I was stupid enough to stand out in the rain, when it was so cold. I would most definitely catch a cold now and that was the last thing I needed right now, but it was due to my own stupidity. I wiped my face with my hands, which were slightly shaking, as the girl from the counter came over.
“Uh,” She shuffled around awkwardly as I looked at her, “Can I bring you anything? Or uh, help with anything?”
A slap in the face to wake me up to reality would possibly be the biggest help she could be offering right now—but I thankfully didn’t say to her. She already looked uncomfortable by not knowing how to react to my current state. I sniffed and went to reach for my wallet before I would look at the menu, I had no idea how much money I had on me. But I quickly realized I had only grabbed my phone before leaving, sitting inside a diner never being in the plan. So instead I went to check on my phone if I had any money on my card, but my phone wasn’t working. Nothing. No matter how much I pressed the button to start it, it didn’t work. Fuck, I forgot to charge it before stepping outside.
“Uh,” Now I felt embarrassed as I averted my eyes from the girl, “I don’t have any money.”
“Oh,” She sounded surprised, “Well, then…I mean, I don’t want to sound rude, but uh—I will have to ask you to leave, really, I have nothing against you, it’s just that—”
“Don’t worry,” I forced myself to smile as I looked up at her, her cheeks red from embarrassment of having to kick me out, “I get it. May I use the restroom before I leave?”
“Sure, of course!” The girl almost exclaimed as she pointed towards the little hallway which led to the restrooms, “But we’ll be closing in about fifteen minutes, so don’t stay inside for too long.”
“Yeah, I’ll just patch myself up a bit and then go on my way.” I muttered as the girl nodded silently and walked back to the counter while carefully watching me, making me roll my eyes. Okay, I might have been looking like a mess, but I wasn’t a walking bomb—no need for her careful gaze on me. It just made my blood boil as I tried not to stomp while I went inside the restroom, glad that I was alone inside. It was colder in here compared to the diner and I shivered as I realized the window was open. I headed towards the sink, eager to warm up my hands with a little warm water, but I gasped once I saw my reflections in the mirror. Jesus Christ, I looked horrible, no wonder the girl was looking at me like that and asking me to leave—even if the reason was me not having money on me. My hair stuck to my face and looked matted in certain spots. My cheeks were completely flushed with the tip of my nose red as well, and I had dark streaks running down underneath my eyes. I forgot to take off my eyeliner and mascara before going to bed and since they weren’t waterproof—here I was, looking like a character straight out of a fucking horror movie. I chuckled as I turned on the faucet and instantly sighed at the feeling of warm water against my hands, warming my freezing limbs a bit. I quickly gathered water in my palms and splashed it against my cheeks, warming them up as well, sighing in content. I was still shivering, my toes frozen, but this was helping.
『I don't care enough to miss you
After all the shit we've been through
My heart's comatose, comatose』
I let the warm water run as I ran my fingers through my hair, easing the knots in them and trying to make it look presentable as I basically brushed the wet strands back on my head, my hair already curling naturally. The next step was to get rid of the mascara and eyeliner streaks underneath my eyes and even cheek, so I quickly washed them off before turning the faucet off and grabbing some dry towel paper from the holder, drying off my face and hands. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, realizing that my chest felt so much lighter, there was nothing squeezing against my throat anymore.
“You’re fine,” I whispered to myself, gulping, “Fuck, you’ve got this, you’re okay, Y/N, you are okay. You’ve been pushing your feelings away for too long, of course they blew up in your face, you stupid bitch. I really have to stop doing this to myself, ugh—”
I rolled my eyes as I threw the used towel paper in the trash bin and then looked back at myself in the mirror, narrowing my eyes at myself and pointing a finger threateningly at my reflection, “Stop being a sappy bitch, alright? You’re better than this. Yunho’s got his shit together, why can’t you do the same, huh? Just go out there and find a fucking boyfriend, it’s not that hard—wait, no, actually don’t do that! I don’t need no man, got it? Got it.”
I nodded once firmly, a small grin forcing itself onto my lips, making me scoff at myself—sure, of course, bring Yunho into your peptalk, Y/N, very smart—but I just couldn’t help it. At least I was feeling better now, almost laughing at myself at how stupid I was as I stepped back and pulled my shoulders back, nodding at myself encouragingly. I got this! But now I had to run home in the pouring rain, that thought alone was enough to make me cry again, but I willed myself to stop. No more crying. No more sobbing—especially not because of the pouring rain. It was my mistake that I didn’t check the weather or bring an umbrella. I should’ve just gone to bed when I planned to, damn these stupid thoughts. With a last glance at myself, I decided that I was ready to leave the restroom and head home, my mother probably worried sick about me at this point since my phone wasn’t working either. I walked up to the door and grabbed the doorknob firmly, yanking it open a little bit too enthusiastically, but as I went to step outside, the male’s restroom door right across mine opened as well—and I paused, surprised.
Song Mingi was staring back at me just as surprised as I was.
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❱❱ Next chapter
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tieronecrush · 11 months
Text
a slight malfunction
javier peña x f!reader
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rating: E (18+ ONLY, MDNI. you will be blocked if you don’t have age/range in your bio)
word count: 6k
summary:
I think there's been a glitch, oh, yeah / Five seconds later, I'm fastening myself to you with a stitch, oh, yeah / And I'm not even sorry…
You’ve hated Javier Peña since he left you in the dust after six months of dating, or hooking up, or whatever you want to call it. That was six years ago, right before he left for Columbia to chase after the cartels. Now, you’ve moved back to your hometown of Laredo, and the hero of the hour Javier has done the same. You hate him, so why does it feel so good to be around him?
spotify playlist / apple music playlist
warnings: NO USE OF Y/N, previous relationship, use of pet names (cariño, querida, mi cielo) very basic spanish so please correct anything in here, unprotected sex, fingering, praising, soft dom javi <3, undefined relationship, alcohol use, slight angst
a/n: i originally had some flashbacks written in about their relationship before so lmk if y’all would wanna read those as little separate one-shots to get to know these two more :) & please lmk if you wanna be included in my taglist!! i’ve got part 2 for water in your hands in the works as well as some shorter fics for javi & frankie & joel <3 love ya smooches xoxo
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Flashing strobe lights briefly blind you as you open your eyes to scan the dance floor for your friends. The bass of the music is thumping where your feet touch the ground, sending shockwaves of vibrations to your chest. There’s a slight sweat on your brow, from dancing and from the sticky humidity of all of the bodies pressed in around you.
You had your eyes closed, feeling the music take control over your body. It was easy to do when you were tipsy; you were here to celebrate your friend’s going away. She was one of the last of your group left here, and you were hoping to use tonight to forget about the fact that despite your best efforts, you have been sent back to your hometown of Laredo, Texas after trying it in the big city nearby, San Antonio. It was kind of pathetic to you, how you couldn’t make it work. But you knew that a part of you was always going to think about him when you were in your apartment there, walking down the streets you used to take, or eating at your favorite restaurants. He tainted the city that you had escaped to, the two of you burning bright and fast for that summer, and you hated him for it. You hated him for the fact that he caused so much hurt that you abandoned your dreams and slunk back to little old Laredo. That was years ago now, but the alcohol in your system made the pain burn just as bright as it did back then.
You shake the anger loose from your mind, continuing your search for your friends, or even a stranger to keep your mind off of the embers of heartbreak that your anger was fanning. Lights of all different colors flashed across the faces of the dancers around you, some coupled up, some groups of women moving together, and others totally on their own like you. As your eyes move back and forth in search of someone to distract you, the beat of the song lines up with a blink of the strobe light. Your eyes stare directly ahead, and the sight you catch a glimpse of sobers you in an instant.
You don’t believe in ghosts or supernatural powers. But it dawns on you that the only logical explanation for the face you just saw had to have been a paranormal force. Or your buzzed mind playing cruel tricks on you. Eyes stick to the same spot, wondering if the vision will strike twice. If it did, you definitely needed to go sit down and drink some water. The beat of the song sends another flick of the strobe light in the dark room, the same illusion crossing under the beam, except this time it’s a few paces closer.
Nerves turn in your stomach, a chill is sent across your skin and down your spine despite the severe heat of the room. There’s no way this is real. You blink a few times, squeezing your eyes shut to focus your brain on anything else. When you open them again, the lights are flashing quicker as the song picks up the tempo, and the hallucination you’ve produced is moving closer. Each flash sends it a step closer, the bodies around it moving out of the phantom’s way, commanding energy rolling off it. The movement of the lights makes everything feel as if it’s in slow motion, and the alcohol in your system isn’t helping you speed away.
Eyes screwed shut again at one last attempt to pull yourself out of this dream, or nightmare, you can’t tell at this point. When they open, the figure you’re imagining is two steps in front of you. The strobe hasn’t hit their face again for a few moments, both of you watching the other in the darkness. Just as the song is finishing, the lights flash in quick succession, illuminating the figure enough to get a good look at them.
Javier Peña. Fucking Javier Peña.
Hands move of their own volition, reaching out in the slow motion of the lights flashing, touching his chest. You feel the fabric of his linen button-up and the hard press of his muscle underneath your touch, confirming your worst fear.
You weren’t imagining it, and he’s not a ghost. Javier is standing right in front of you.
The sudden realization makes your hands burn against his body; you quickly pull them back but his reflexes are faster, more precise. His large fingers gently wrap around your wrists, holding them between your bodies as his head leans down to speak clearly in your ear over the loud house music.
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes, cariño?” His baritone reverberates against your ear, tepid, humid breath skating across the skin of your neck.
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Javier takes a step back, an impish smirk spread across his face and a glint of teasing in his eyes. The familiarity of the look isn’t lost on you, your heart constricting at the reminders of his words and his presence. His proximity does something to your body, the shaky adrenaline high making you feel as if you’re floating. Immediately, your brain tries to shut down any of these physical responses to him, searing into your mind memories of you crying alone in your bedroom, your roommates gently checking in on you for days after he left; memories of you moving out of San Antonio months later, hating your job and hating the reminders of him in your everyday life. Your body reacted to these instead, steadying your hands and hardening your expression.
“Fuck off, Javier. Leave me alone.” You pull your wrists from his hold easily, hitting his shoulder as you walk past him to get lost in the sea of people.
His presence follows you, a burning heat felt from the back of your head and down your spine as you continue to weave through the bodies around you; you know he’s following you and you know he’s going to catch you. It was a big part of his job description after all.
A rush of cooler air surrounds you when you break free at the edge of the dance floor. You take a deep breath and scan quickly for anyone familiar to find safeguard in; one step takes you forward towards the bar when you feel that same touch on you. The same touch you could feel in dreams over these years, only marginally different with a bit more roughness from being out in the field. It sends a current over your body and straight to your brain, your nerves firing off before you have the chance to think further. Turning towards the direction of the hand, you’re met with those big brown eyes giving you that damn puppy dog look. Javi’s doing it on purpose, obviously knowing it got him pretty far with you before. It nearly breaks you this time, but something switches on again in your brain, your heart freezing over once again as you pull your arm back to your side.
“I said, fuck off, Javier. I don’t have anything to say to you.” The words grit out from your teeth, coming out louder than normal to be heard over the music and from the anger behind them.
He sighs, the pleading look still swimming in his eyes. He nearly reaches for you again - clenching his fist and flexing his fingers out to hide the compulsion to touch you.
“And what if I have something to say to you?” He raises an eyebrow in question, moving his hands to his hips in that Government Agent™ fashion that is supposed to intimidate you or tell you he doesn’t have time for your shit.
This all makes you scoff, rolling your eyes and crossing your arms against your chest. A stone-cold stare pierces through his composure, a bit of his confident demeanor faltering under your anger.
“I would tell you that you’re about six years too late, Peña. We have nothing to talk about that we both haven’t moved on from. I’ll even say we can be friends at some point if it gets you the fuck away from me tonight.”
“Cariño, you know I --”
“I don’t wanna hear it, Javi. I don’t --- Don’t bring me back there. And stop calling me that.” You are the one pleading now, feeling just as pathetic as you did the day he left. You can’t bring yourself to face him any longer, the memories that are rushing back fill your chest with concrete; it’s solid, unmoving, constricting. With nowhere to go, you find an empty table towards the back to take a moment to yourself. You close your eyes and breath, willing yourself not to shed another tear over him.
A glass is set down in front of you, your favorite --- a G&T with lime. Eyes follow the manicured hand that placed it on the table to a waitress with sympathy in her eyes. 
She leans down and says gently to you, “Been there, hon. This is from that guy over there --” She points behind her and you see Javi looking over at you with a glass of whiskey in his hand. He presses his lips together and raises his glass the tiniest amount, a pathetic cheers and attempted olive branch extended. The waitress continues, “He’s the one you’re upset over? It’s none of my business, but he seems like a decent one. Real respectful and polite.”
Nothing could make this worse. Even a complete stranger was charmed by Javier Peña, enough to try to convince you to hear him out. Shaking your head, you push the drink away from you and look at her. “You don’t know him like I do, unfortunately. Don’t let the eyes fool you, he knows they work for him.”
She laughs at that, nodding. “My boyfriend had the same tactics…Now we’re married with two kids. Never know what could happen.” Those were her parting words as she headed back to the bar. You stare down the drink, not bringing it any closer and not daring to take a sip from it. You don’t want any reason for him to feel like he won any part of this. It was his turn to feel rejected, left behind, and lonely when the dust settles.
The avoidance of the drink is not enough of a deterrent it seems; familiar, tight around the thigh blue jeans come into your line of vision for a moment before getting replaced with the burnt orange short sleeve button up strained across his chest and then his face. He’s sat across from you now in the small booth, toying with his own glass between his two hands.
“I know you’re going to tell me to fuck off again, but do you think we could just maybe have a normal conversation? As friends, like you said before?”
“I said that to get you to fuck off, Javi.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. But it’s the only thing that I can say to maybe get you to indulge me. Just gimme ten minutes. Then you can tell me to fuck off all you want.”
You give him a look that tells him to go on, annoyance clear in the way you suck your bottom lip between your teeth and raise your eyebrows expectantly.
“Alright, uh, I’ll take that as a yes to one conversation…” He pauses for a beat, looking down into his glass and back at you, “So, uh, how are you? What’s brought you back to Laredo from San Antonio? I thought you loved it there.”
You stare at him incredulously, mouth hanging open slightly. You scoff for the second time around him, shaking your head as you look around for whatever hidden camera is going to pop out and tell you that you’re on some prank show. There’s no way he could be asking you those questions without knowing the answers already.
“Are you seriously asking me that? I was doing a lot better before tonight. And you’re the reason I’m back here. Most of it, at least. I hated my job and I hated San Antonio after you left me there. Couldn’t leave my apartment without finding some stupid reminder of you. It was torture,” your words spill out before you can think, something overriding all of your judgment to keep this filed inside your mind and locked away. “Did you just want to talk to fuck with me, Javi? To be cruel?”
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His eyebrows draw together, the shadow of the line between them darkened further in the dim lighting. The corners of his mouth draw down with a pout, his lips parting as he searches for his words. It feels like you’ve kicked a puppy, those big brown eyes drilling into yours. Your brain short circuits, your heart powering your movements and thoughts as you nearly reach to comfort him. You hold off as he finally speaks, his volume just enough to be heard over the music, but restrained enough to convey his hurt.
“I would never be cruel to you, cariño. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Now or then?” Your voice still has a biting edge to it, more than you meant to have at the moment.
“Both.”
The simple word completely overrides your thoughts at that moment, the weight of the truth and emotion behind it evident in his eyes. It all swims around in the brown pools, the slightest gloss washing over and catching the strobing lights.
Like a puppet of yourself, your hand moves with a mind of its own to his laying on the table. His skin on yours continues to fry your logical thinking, the currents from feeling his touch on you sending shockwaves all the way down to your toes. The line between his brows laxes, fingers wrapping around your hand to join it with his completely. Unsaid words are spoken through touches, eyes communicating to each other that you both felt the voltaic charge zip through your bodies and singe your nerve endings.
Part of your brain screams at you that this is a bad idea, a malfunction in your judgment. You aren’t exactly sure if Javi fully understands what he did to you, the pain he caused, and if he knows what he was apologizing for all these years later. But you don’t really care at the moment. If the two of you never went beyond this night, you could live with the closure that the simple apology gave you.
At this moment, all you want to do is feel him. Be close to him. Press yourself against his figure, sparking together to generate the heat you feel with him.
Hands grip firmly as you stand, his tugging you slightly back to the table to keep you near before he realizes that you’re leading him with you. A knowing look on your face, the slightest of friendly smiles, and your feet pointed towards the dance floor clue him in completely. He rises from the seat, eyes never leaving you as he lets himself be dragged through the sea of bodies. 
His hand squeezes yours tighter as more people crowd around you as if he didn’t hold that tight that you might disappear entirely. You reach the crowded center of the dancefloor and turn back towards him, the bump of the R&B music vibrating the floor and rippling throughout your limbs to the tips of your fingers.
The music charges your touch even more, the press of your hands on Javi’s chest shocking him into submission. Eyes trail over his full shoulders, the linen fabric of his shirt scratching under the pads of your fingers. The low thumps of the bass in the song make your hips start to move rhythmically, swaying side to side smoothly like a pendulum hypnotizing him. His hands move quickly, much faster than the rest of his body has taken to catch up to the moment, resting on your hips to feel the swing and pull you closer to his front. Large palms slip around to span across your ass, fingers gently squeezing to bring your body tight against his. Your bodies move in syncopation with the muddy thuds of the bass line, a sheen of sweat building on your cleavage and his neck.
The first thought you have in minutes is the idea to lick the perspiration off of his skin, leaning in closer to fit your head in the space between his neck and shoulder. Parted lips exhaled even more humidity, eyes watching as the glossy skin of his neck continued to catch the light with ever different movement. A hand holds the other side of his collar, holding him in that position to allow you space to ghost your lips over the sticky skin. A featherlike kiss pressed to the surface makes the veins in his neck pop out in surprise, hands on your ass gripping tighter. The denim of his pants digs into the exposed skin of your skirted thighs, rough sensations balancing the soft, syrupy ones of your lips on him.
Indulging in your thoughts, your tongue peaks out from between your parted lips, your head bending to the exposed skin from between the top few undone buttons of his shirt. The muscle swipes up the sweat at his and replaces it with the gleam of your saliva, an audible groan rolling from Javier’s lips and straight into your ears. The sound halts you for a second, repeating over and over in your head. The lack of control at the moment allows for Javi’s sizable hands to work back to your hips and twist you around, a quick tug pressing your back fully against his chest and ass against his growing bulge.
The shock from the quick change in dynamic makes you whimper from the loss of control over him, quickly replaced with soft, breathy moans as his hips grind into your backside. You arch against him, one hand laying over his larger palm that’s commanding the wave of your bodies together, the other of yours moving up and back to grip the nape of his neck. Eyes close, losing one sense to focus on the others. You want to hear every breath, every little sound that leaves his lips, memorize every brush of his fingers or the friction of his jeans against the cotton of your dress.
Javi’s head lulls down towards your open neck, lips marking the glossy skin with heated kisses and bites, tongue soothing over any irritation. The two of you are completely intertwined, easily fitting back together as you did years ago as if no time or heartbreak had passed at all. Flashes of thoughts cross your mind that you should pull away, walk off, never speak to him again. But, with every single one of those thoughts, his hips grind against you or lips graze your skin, and another stitch is sown to keep you two together longer.
Songs bleed into the next, Javi and you making your own rhythms to keep yourselves as close as possible and his dominating contact letting you shut your brain off to feel in the moment. You can’t even tell how much time has passed when you finally turn halfway in his arms, his hands still clutching you at any spot they can reach. It could have been minutes or hours, you didn’t really care. It just felt good. A small motion of your hand brings his head down to yours, ear tilted towards your mouth. Your lips brush over the shell of his ear, a breathy suggestion extended to him.
“Do you wanna get out of here?”
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Touches catch on each other as the two of you exit the sweaty bar into the chilled late-night air of early fall. Humidity was still thick in the air, but rolling out of the clammy dance floor, the moist air was refreshing. Deep breaths fill your lungs with clean air, the breaths you take stolen intermittently by heady kisses from Javi. His arm is hooked around your waist, palmed splayed on your stomach to hold you impossibly close. Feet stumble over each other in your tangled mess, but eventually, you both make it to your apartment a few blocks away in the tiny downtown of Laredo.
Your current focus is on fishing your keys from your bag on your arm, Javi standing behind you with his lips on your neck distracting you from the task at hand. Without pulling away from you, he reaches into your purse and pulls out house keys hooked onto his index finger. You snatch them eagerly, fumbling with the two locks. Javi all but carries you inside, hands once again finding any part of you they can reach. Waist, hips, breasts, ass, thighs. Rinse with a breath away from his making out with you, and repeat. The movements are programmed into both of you on your way to your bedroom, discarding shoes and clothes as touches skate across each other’s skin.
Right at the edge of your bed, the backs of your thighs pressing against the edge of the mattress, Javi pulls away in a half-lidded stare, voice husky with lust.
“Are you sure? I didn’t think this was gonna happen, it wasn’t my goal when I saw you --”
“Wow, way to make a woman feel wanted, Javi.”
“No, no. Not what I meant. At all. I very much want you and am absolutely going to ruin you if you just say the word,” his eyes darken with the images of what he’s been waiting from you again, yearning over the course of years to be in this exact situation, “But, I want to be sure that you want this.”
“Yes, Javi. I want this. I want you to ruin me.” A smirk crawls across your face, watching the composure slightly crumble behind his eyes before being replaced with pure hunger. The expression doesn’t last for long - lips catch yours in an inebriating kiss. The smallest parting of your lips invites Javier’s tongue in, the muscle dominating yours into submitting to his movements. Hands grip your waist and the side of your jaw, fingers sprawling to lock you into place.
He tilts his head down, yours falling back in a lull - completely drunk on the taste of him. Your tolerance had lapsed from years apart, and now every morsel of him bursts adrenaline throughout your body.
Javier cages you in, arms lowering you down to first sit, then using one of his expansive hands to press against your stomach to urge you to lay back. Legs dangling over the side, his shoulders push your thighs apart while he sinks to his knees and inches closer to your panty-covered heat. Slick floods the fabric, and just by one look in his eyes, you know he can feel it as he presses two fingers against the small strip of cotton and lace.
“This from missing me, cariño? Is your pretty little pussy still crying for me after all these years?” His timbre reverberates in your chest, whimpering pathetically at his words. Fingers press against your clit through your panties, slow wide circles jerking small twitches out of you. It feels so foreign yet so familiar to have his hands on you again, the calluses rougher but the shapes and pressures the same. It takes him a moment to remember the rhythm you like, muscle memory guiding him in opening you up further. A soft moan escapes your lips, the sound turning into a whine at your frustration to be given more.
“What, mi cielo? Do you want more? Use your words. I’ll give you what you want if you can ask for it.” Dark, desire-filled eyes lock into yours as he awaits any response from you.
“Please, Javi, I wanna feel you. Need your fingers, or your mouth, or your cock. Something, please.” The intensity of your fervor for him spills out the words in whimpers and begs. The expression on Jack’s face turns smug for a moment, relishing in the effect he still has on you all this time later.
“Good girl. Buena chica. I’ll give you all of that and more, just cause you asked so nicely.” His lips graze the soft skin on the inside of your thighs, hot breath fanning over the wet cloth covering you. Fingers reach to hook into the waist of your panties, tugging them down as they catch on your ass against the mattress. Discarded somewhere in the room with the rest of your clothes, your panties are forgotten as Javi’s focus zeroes in on the arousal glistening against your outer lips. A soft groan falls from his mouth, tongue wetting his lips and Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows the flood of saliva.
His index and middle finger of one hand reach up between your thighs, spreading your lips slowly to reveal your soaked pussy fully to him. Propping up on your elbows, your eyes find him staring as if he’s seeing a precious jewel or having an epiphany. Eyes blown wide, jaw dropped open just so. It makes you feel powerful for a moment, knowing you cause this reaction in him.
The power trip doesn’t last long - Javi’s free hand touches his fingers to your clit, a jolt of electricity is sent through your nerve endings, thighs twitching. He’s mesmerized by the cause and effect, fingers working agilely in circles to draw more shudders and soft sounds from you. Fingers that were spreading you open drop from this spot, nudging your entrance to collect some of your wetness. As another whimper escapes your lips, Javi’s two fingers slip into your entrance effortlessly, whimper turning into a louder moan. Thrusts and circles of his digits work you closer, the ones inside you hooking with every uptick to press against that spot you and anyone besides Javi couldn’t seem to find.
Greedily, he removes his fingers from inside of you, studying your slick on them for a moment before slipping the two into his mouth to clean them. He hums in satisfaction, leaning in after taking them out with pop; his breath sends humidity against your seeping cunt, his voice incredibly thick with craving.
“Been waiting to taste that again for so long, cariño. Didn’t think I’d ever get to again. You’re the sweetest I’ve ever tasted. Dulzura.”
“Better savor it now then, Peña. Don’t know when or if you’ll get it again.”
At your quip, he sends a restrained slap to the side of your ass, a smug and entertained expression crossing his face when you gasp.
“Think we both know that after tonight, you’re gonna be begging me for more. Just like before, querida. Won’t be able to satiate you. I told you I was going to ruin you. I meant I would ruin you for every other man. Nadie va a ser tan bueno como yo.”
His tongue swipes up your slit, swirling around the fingers still working your clit and making its way to your entrance, kitten licking in and out. He consumes you like a ravenous man. His tongue and fingers work you up quickly, walls tightening around the thick fingers that pushed inside you while his mouth sucks at your swollen clit. Eyes screw shut, visions of shapes and colors against the black as your body tenses up for that glorious release. Your sweet sounds with his name mixed in have made him painfully hard, his hips rutting against the edge of the bed to find some relief while he drew out your first orgasm.
Short breaths draw cool air into your lungs, and your tension relaxes completely. Javi stands from his kneeling position, eyes pouring over your body laid out on the bed. You look at him through half-lidded eyes, still coming off of your intense peak.
“Look so pretty all fucked out, cariño. Missed that face of yours, like you can’t think of anything but how good I make you feel,” he chuckles, satisfied in himself, while giving slow strokes to his length already dripping with pre-cum. The sight makes you sit up more, lips moving closer to his waist to try to grab a taste. He grips your shoulder, shaking his head and tsking down at you.
“Next time, mi cielo. Such a good girl wanting to taste me,” his hand against your shoulder pushes you back down against the mattress and his head nods up in a silent demand for you to move further up the bed. You obey, scooting up as he climbs over you.
Your legs spread wide to give way, his hands pushing down on your thighs. The stretch makes the muscles in your hips burn slightly. His gaze locks onto the mess of arousal slicked around your heat. Tongue pokes out to lick his lips, his eyes crawling up from your open legs to your eyes.
“Such a pretty pussy, cariño. Missed it so much. Can I have it again? Gonna make you feel so good. Coño perfecta. Voy a hacer que todo sea mío otra vez. No soporto verte con nadie más.”
“Please, baby. I want you. I missed you, dreamed about you all the time,” you sound breathy, eager for him to make good on his promises, even if you don’t fully understand the ones in his first language.
Your consent with a confession tacked to it darkens his eyes, his dominance over you still having a soft, warm edge. His brown eyes were still sweet, promising you without words that he would take care of you. That there was an endless apology to give you.
A rousing kiss connects the two of you again, stealing your breath as he notches himself at your entrance. The kiss pauses as you exhale a throaty moan, Javi thrust into you with a dull stretch. The modest burn of pain is sent through your thighs and hips, his cock only buried half hilt. You purr out a moan for more and he loses all poise, bucking his hips to fill you completely. After a minute to adjust to his size again, he finds a rhythm of movement that coaxes out whimpers and moans with every hit inside your walls. Javi’s lips attack your neck, marking you with a love bite at your collarbone.
“Haré realidad cualquiera de tus sueños. I’ll give you whatever you want, cariño,” his humid words fog out against your sticky skin, hands gripping your hips as his thrusts move quicker. He works you up, his words and hoarse groans nudge you closer with every sound.
“Feels so good, Javi. ‘M close, fuck,” you gasp as he hits just the right spot inside of you, sending a shock of pleasure through you, arching your back off the mattress.
“Que buena chica. Let go for me, wanna feel you come on my cock.”
Words and quick, hard thrusts send your brain and body into a short circuit, his name falling from his mouth over and over in a glitch. Your walls tightening around him send him over the edge a few short hits later, warm spend filling inside you as his hips slow. His chest moves up and down in deep breaths, eyes studying your euphoric release.
A warm, comforting limpness softens your form, Javi separating from you with a small groan. He migrates from his position between your legs to lay beside you, turning you to bring your back against his chest. Limbs tangle together after he brings the blanket up over the both of you, exhaustion from the night quickly pulling you into sleep. You hear his voice once more before dozing off completely.
“Te extrañé mucho, cariño. No quiero volver a perderte. Sé que tú eres mi media naranja.”
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Balmy Texas morning light filters through the windows of your bedroom as your eyes peel open. You move to reach a hand up to rub the sleep from your eyes, fingers brushing against Javi’s arm causing him to stir slightly. You turn over in his arms, feeling fully awake with the burst of adrenaline from the fact that Javier is laying right next to you after so much time away. Eyes comb over his features, noting the small changes in his face, just barely deeper wrinkles next to his eyes and between his brows, a few small scars from cuts littering his skin. His mustache is fuller than it was before, aquiline nose still creates his signature profile.
“Mmm, you’re staring, cariño. See anything different?”
“Some things. But different isn’t bad.”
At that, his eyes crack open, squinting in the morning light. The warm browns fleck gold and caramel in the sunlight, melting your heartache. His hold around your waist pulls you closer, a look of genuine care sending a shudder down your spine from its intensity.
“Does that mean I might have a chance still? Even though it’s different?”
“I don’t know. Are you leaving again?” The question is the one that has been plaguing your mind since seeing him again. This could have just been a one-night thing, he could be escaping back to Colombia tomorrow, leaving you behind again.
“No. I’m retired, technically. Working on my dad’s ranch with him.” He searches for any response in your eyes, the gears of your brain overworking as you think about what this all means. Before you can say anything to him, he continues, voice soft and low.
“You were the first person I wanted to see when I came back, cariño. I’ve regretted that day since it happened; you have no idea how many times I sat by my phone down there, your number memorized. I could never hit the last digit. I knew if I heard your voice, I’d be on the next flight home to try to win you back. I just - I couldn’t do it. I knew it would hurt too much to talk to you about everything and have to stay there. I couldn’t get out until now. And you’re all I have been thinking about since I came home. Ever since someone said you were back in Laredo, I’ve been looking for you in every store I enter, every time I come into town. I wanted to see you. I’m sorry for springing it on you last night, for not calling to say I was back. But when I saw you, I couldn’t let you go again. Not without a fight. I am so sorry I hurt you, cariño. I love you. Tú eres mi media naranja. You’re my other half.”
Silence falls over the room, the only sound is sheets rustling with small movements. Thoughts rush all over your mind, conflict rearing about what to do next. Part of you says to hurt him back just like he did to you, deny him. Logic says to take a moment to think, to have space to look at the big picture. But the largest, loudest part of you tells you that even though you went into everything last night thinking you two probably didn’t have a chance, you would regret it even more if you didn’t try. All you can say is that, as stupid as it might turn out to be, you haven’t stopped thinking about him either. Every guy in between hasn’t sweat him out of your system; you feel your resolve breaking down in the best way, letting go of the past and wanting to just start fresh.
“I love you, too. But you’ve got a lot of groveling to keep doing, Peña. Better get to it.” You send him a playful wink and bite back a laugh, his eyebrows raising at the comment. He nods and moves to climb over you, a wide boyish grin on his face.
“Oh, you better believe I’ll make it up to you. As many times as you want. Te amo, cariño. Eres mío para siempre.”
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edit: realized my spanish translations didn’t copy over so here they are!!
cariño - honey, love
querida - dear
mi cielo - my sky, my heaven
dulzura - sweetness
Nadie va a ser tan bueno como yo. - Nobody is ever gonna be as good me.
coño perfecta - perfect pussy
Voy a hacer que todo sea mío otra vez. - I am going to make it all mine again.
No soporto verte con nadie más. - I can’t bear to see you with anyone else.
Haré realidad cualquiera de tus sueños. - I'll make any of your dreams come true.
Que buena chica. - Such a good girl.
Te extrañé mucho, cariño. - I missed you so much, love.
No quiero volver a perderte. - I don’t want to lose you again.
Sé que tú eres mi media naranja. - I know you are my other half.
Te amo, cariño. - I love you, honey.
Eres mío para siempre. - You’re mine forever.
taglist: @swiftispunk @joelsversion @pedrit0-pascalit0 @ok-anon @milla-frenchy @livinxdeadxgrl @theelishad @comicswhore @reuss7 @pdrpscllvr @oneofutoo @kaletastrophes @asirenbyanyothername
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deandoesthingstome · 8 months
Text
Walk with Me - Ch 7
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Pairing: FBI Agent!Syverson x OFC, Drug Czar!August Walker x OFC
Chapter Summary: This is it. The warehouse and beyond. The end.
Chapter Warnings: I’ll be real honest, I don’t really want to give anything away here. There’s gonna be some more sex if that interests you. (It’ll be outdoors. What?)
Word Count: 5K
Masterlist: For full series Summary and Warnings
Spotify Playlist: If you’ve followed the playlist, you should know what’s new.
A/N: Super grateful shoutout to @dadralt​ for helping me with a few French translations. I put the English at the bottom.
A/N 2: I really really appreciate everyone who has read and commented/reblogged this story. I had ideas when I started and those took on a life of their own. I got stuck a little on the way, but I think I figured it out and I hope you like the wrap up. 
Francesca
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. While August was busy looking into his associates to root out a mole, I had made myself available for anything, anytime, no questions asked when he got back from Asia. That also meant ignoring Sy and making sure any information he received came through the agency and the agency only. One incredible night in the arms of the man I had once thought would be the only one I’d ever love. That’s all the sanity I had to hold onto.
As I found myself continuing to slip deeper under August’s spell, I also relished the memory of Sy’s arms wrapped around me, holding me close and safe. On my own, I was reckless and wanton. I’m sure it’s what drew Sy, and most men to me originally. But while most men gave up trying to handle the edge after a while, Sy had always somehow found a way to smooth it out. And that edge only grew sharper the longer I was away from him. It drove men crazy when they couldn’t hold on, most opting to let go rather than risk the deep cuts. 
Walter had understood what it took to dull the blade, because he needed a soother too. So while he came to understand he couldn’t offer me respite in his arms, he was there to try to ease every ache I came away with after losing out on love time and again. I envied him for the way he had been able to take each ending as a sign for a new beginning and hold on waiting for what he really needed. I think he could see the damage each heartbreak was doing to me, could tell that the longer I went without a net, the easier it was to embrace fire and danger with no regard for myself. But I don’t think he realized how deep down that hole I was falling. He thought it was just part of the game we played. Instead, this is how I let August in against all my better judgements.
August didn’t fear my sharp edge. He honed it. And until Sy reappeared, I struggled to make sense of why it felt so good to have August keep pushing me, why every time I saw him it felt like I was being forged in his fire. In the haze of the smoke we created together, fueled by drugs and sex and more passion than I’d known in ages, I let myself begin to believe there was a way through that didn’t involve putting him behind bars. Like a fool, I continued to gently broach the subject of just leaving everything behind. I no longer knew if it was still the smokescreen I meant it to be.
I kept Walter appraised, but there had been no new developments from what I had seen. No new security breaches initiated by any number of August’s club girls. No more state secrets passing his way. August apparently had everything he thought he needed to make his next move and he was just looking for the right time. I simply had to wait until Will had the data stripped off the club’s computers and was ready to hand it off. I had been unsuccessful in my previous searches, but Will was a masterful hacker. I just needed the call, but it never came and walking into the warehouse I knew why.
August had figured out Will was CIA. And now I had to hope Will had been able to keep our secret even after everything it was apparent August’s goons had done to him. I couldn’t tell for sure how long he’d been here, but some of the wounds were fresh enough to tell me that while August had been fucking my brains out this afternoon, Will was getting the shit beat out of him. And I hoped his training was just as good as mine and he’d been able to withstand the obvious torture I could see he’d been put through. This was never how this mission was supposed to go.
While August continued to share his credo about not letting anyone hurt him, I rubbed my thumb over the microchip I had pressed against my forefinger. I knew I had what we needed and there was no reason to keep playing this game that had stopped feeling like a game weeks ago. I wanted to rise to my feet, lean in close and whisper to August that we could still run. That I could hide him and maybe we’d be apart for a little while, but in the end I’d be his and he’d be mine and we would be together.
And then I heard the words coming out of his mouth and I knew suddenly how utterly fucked I was. I was about to ruin what was probably the biggest bust of Sy’s life and I was about to end August’s reign. Sy would never forgive me for lying to him and August wouldn’t be around to put me in my place. I’d end up with neither of them. 
Like a specter, the voice drifted through my thoughts.
“We’re in position.”
“Take him.” I fought to keep my eyes open. I would not turn away from this mess I had made.
August had barely stopped speaking, head at tilt and eyebrow raised in query at my words when the bullet hit. I watched him fall and barely registered the second round that took Mateo out. I couldn’t really stop the tears if I wanted to. Everything was in shambles around me. Not only was my partner hanging on by a thread, the man I had come to love in some sort of fucked up fantasy where I believed I could save him was dead.
And I had to somehow explain to Sy why I had let him believe he was ever going to have a shot at taking down August.
I heard sirens and shouts from outside the warehouse. Flashing lights flickered through the doorway each time a new body entered the space. Medics were on the scene and Will was getting the attention he needed when Walter found me sunk to the ground on my knees, resisting the urge to crawl to August and take him in my arms one last time. Doubt crept in, as if I’d made the wrong choice and it took everything I had not to let the bile rise up in my throat.
Walter wrapped an official jacket around me and asked if I was alright. I shook my head slowly and I felt him hold me closer. He knew what was coming. I don’t know how he knew. He never once asked if I was falling for August, but somehow he could tell and he knew what I had just done. He knew I would be in my head about this one for a good long time. Longer than any of the others.
“We just need to finalize the report and record your statement. We can do a video now and then you can go. Okay?” 
I felt his concerned gaze on me and mustered the strength to nod at his question, still amazed how he looked after me after all these years. We were never going to be together, but that didn’t stop us from caring about and wanting only the best for each other.
We set up in a corner of the warehouse, away from the noise of the agents processing the scene. Before he turned the camera on, I dislodged the molar mic I had installed before leaving the hotel earlier and handed it over. I had already sent in encrypted typed reports and the final video interview was just a recount of the last few days that I hadn’t been able to upload yet. I signed every affidavit he put in front of me, half numb with shock. He put me in the cab to the train station with a gentle press of his hand on the small of my back as he bent to whisper in my ear.
“I’ll get him a message along with the rest of the Miami files. He won’t be hung out to dry. He’ll have everything he needs to make the case against the rest of August’s associates. And he’ll know you're on your way to being okay, too.” 
When I looked up at him, I could tell he saw my gratitude, even if I didn’t yet know how to voice it. Even if I still doubted every decision I’d made so far.
“Will?” I managed to whisper.
“Will’s gonna be fine. He has more than a little R&R coming, too. Don’t worry.”
We said a final goodbye and I headed off, ready to try to put this all behind me, starting with a deep detox. I spent weeks in the remote cabin, fully stocked with everything I needed to avoid everyone for as long as I wanted, including a method of emergency contact if things got really bad.
I rocked myself to sleep every night only to enter dreams that turned to nightmares. August leading me down a floral path, only to turn a corner and find myself ensnared in briars and brambles. August preparing a delicious meal only to serve me Will’s head on a platter. August making me come, over and over again, only to find myself ripped apart at the seams. 
I dragged myself out of bed every morning, no matter how badly I wanted to curl up in the sheets and just die. I journaled every day and raged at the papers that held my lovelorn tears, my foolish fantasies and ridiculous notions. At night, I burned them in a fire meant to keep me warm, but every bit of me felt cold and lifeless. I took long swims in the crystalline lake and long walks in the woods and prayed that maybe I’d twist an ankle and fall down the mountainside. I longed to be lost and rid of the torture I felt forever.
I could tell my storm was easing when I awoke one morning with the recollection of August morphing into Sy. When the drugs were finally fully out of my system, I sat quietly by the placid water and put all my pieces back in place. August Walker was a drug kingpin who had put an insane amount of product on the street. August Walker was a murderer, who had put his competition out of business permanently. August Walker was a traitor who had bribed politicians and military brass for national secrets that he planned to sell to the highest bidder. August Walker was a monster.
No amount of fucking was ever going to change those facts.
I pushed the button on the SAT phone and waited for Walter to answer while I practiced the speech over and over in my head.
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Syverson
Syverson turned off the ignition of the rental car, peered at the number on the house and checked it against the message from Ramos on his phone. He stepped out and made his way up the narrow path to the front door, gravel crunching under his feet. He stood still at the door and paused before knocking, suddenly unsure if he’d made the right decision. 
“Ah, fuck it,” he muttered and raised his hand to rap on the wood. In the moments of stillness as he waited for a sound from inside, a shuffle of feet, any tell-tale sign that someone would answer, he took several deep breaths and tried to calm his nerves. It would be the first time seeing her again after months with no communication and he hadn’t exactly been invited by the occupants of the house.
“Comment puis-je vous aider?*” the elderly man asked, peering out the entryway with a perplexed look as if trying to recall who might be scheduled to visit today.
“Mr. Malloy? It’s Dean Syverson, from the States. I’m sorry I don’t speak French. I’m friends with your daughter, Frankie, er Francesca. I was told she was here.”
“Papa, c'est qui?**” a voice called from down the hall and Syverson’s heart almost exploded with elation. He took note of the waver in her voice as she appeared next to her father looking radiant in her summer dress and spoke again. “Sy? What are you…?” 
Sy wanted her to burst through the door and wrap her whole body around him so he could slip his arms around her back and hold her close to breath her in. In reality, she froze in place next to her father, though he didn’t imagine the way he saw her stop herself from reaching for him. At the sound of throat clearing, Frankie turned to her father to speak.
“Papa, tu te rappelles de Dean ? Du lycée. À l'époque on l'appelait Sy.***”
Sy watched as the old man seemed to light up with memory and a small smile, then listened to a conversation between father and daughter that he couldn’t understand. Frankie’s father reached out to shake his hand with a wink, then turned to head back into the front room. 
“Wanna take a walk with me?” Frankie asked, motioning down the path. “Or I could invite you in and we could do the pleasantries of small talk over cold lemonade and cookies I baked the other day?”
“You bake?” Sy asked with a chuckle. 
“Been goin’ through all of Mom’s old recipes. It’s therapeutic in more ways than one. And sorry about that. Dad’s kinda given up on English, especially now that she’s passed,” Frankie answered and watched Sy’s face fall a little, eyebrows furrowed and head atilt.
“Well now I’m the one that’s sorry. I didn’t know about your Mom.”
“Thank you. It happened just before my last mission. I hated leaving but I promised him we’d spend time together once I was done with work.” She gave a quick glance back into the house.
Sy heaved a breath in and out. “Let’s walk.” 
He waited for Frankie to close the front door and let her lead the way as they stepped back onto the gravel path and followed it around to the back of the house and down into the large, lush garden where she motioned to a stone bench facing a pond.
“I feel like I know this answer, because I doubt you’d be here if you did, but I have to ask: Do you hate me?” Frankie asked, turning to him with a look of concern on her face. 
“Sugar I could never hate you,” Sy answered immediately without any hesitation. “Couldn’t for the life of me figure out why you shut off all communication and never came back, though. Marshall wasn’t exactly forthcoming either.”
“Did they at least tell you about...? About the case?” Frankie asked, unwilling to voice the name just yet.
“You mean the part where no one was ever gonna let him take the stand?” Frankie nodded at Sy’s question. “Yeah. Said if he had an opportunity to implicate any of the people he’d bribed information from, national security was fucked. Sure. Apparently, all those other traitors had guardian angels sitting on their shoulders. The number of retirement announcements from the military and congress was staggering. Is that why you didn’t come back?”
“Are you asking if it made me sick to my stomach? That August Walker took the fall for all of them? I guess that’s part of it for sure, yeah.”
“Fuck, Sugar. You really were in deep with him.”
“I was blind, Sy. I wasn’t not doing my job but I let a lot of things get in the way of reality and when I found out they were all getting off the hook I couldn’t stomach it anymore.” 
Frankie turned to stare out over the water while Sy took a moment to ponder her words and consider if he really wanted the answer to his next question. It could make all the difference to the end result of his impromptu visit. But if he didn’t ask, he’d never know and if somehow things worked out between them, the possibility would hang over his head forever.
“Did you love him?”
He watched her slow-blink her eyes closed, inhale and let out a deep sigh. He felt the bottom begin to drop from underneath him, afraid now of her answer and what it would mean. He wanted to reach out and grab the words back, stuff them down his throat and never let them out again. He swore to whatever god would listen that if she would just come home with him when this conversation was over, he’d never give August Walker another thought. When she spoke, he almost couldn’t hear her answer, the way the blood from his beating heart rushed passed his ears.
“Not really.” Frankie turned back to Sy and opened her eyes. As her voice trickled through the dense fog of his worry, he could at least see the promise in what she was saying. “For a while I thought I did. It took me time to figure out that I just loved the way he made me feel. Alive and reckless with no one to answer to but someone who only loved me for the person they thought I was.”
“And who are you, Frankie?”
“I’m figuring that out now, Sy. That’s the other part of why I couldn’t come back. I didn’t want to step back into whatever it was we had started again without a better understanding of what my life means now. And what that means for whoever is going to be a part of it.”
“What do you mean ‘whoever’, Sugar?” Sy asked, struggling to hide the emotion her words had stirred within him. He was certain she couldn’t possibly think he wasn’t the one even as he realized how little time they’d actually had together. It killed him to think she might not give him a chance to prove how much he wanted to give her everything.
“I don't want someone afraid of losing me,” Frankie replied.
“I already did. I ain't afraid of it anymore. Just don't want to ever feel it again.” Sy watched her face carefully, searching for any sign that she didn’t understand exactly what he was saying. Just to make sure, he spoke again. “I ain’t looking to change you, Frankie. I ain’t looking to stop you from being whoever you want to be. I just wanna be there with you for as long as I can. If that’s okay.”
“Fuck, where did you come from?” Frankie asked after considering his words and smiled at his comfortable laugh.
“Frankie, it’s always been you for me. Who you are now? She ain’t really all that different from that wildcat I fell in love with twenty years ago. I love every fuckin’ thing about you.” Sy saw the doubt creep on her face. “Yeah, Sugar, all of it. You are a strong, self-aware woman who ain’t afraid to take what she needs. I count myself lucky you ain’t never found someone else interested in all of that and if I don’t get you to let me kiss you right now to show you what I’m talking about, well this whole trip’s probably been for naught.”
Sy lifted a hand to brush his fingers past her shoulder and smooth up the side of her neck, pressing the tips into her nape and applying the gentlest of pressure, waiting for her to make up her mind and lean into him. When she finally did, her lips crashed into his and he felt gravity flip as he grabbed on to her with his other arm and pulled her all the way against him. He slid his hand down to her hip and urged her to lift a leg and spin to straddle him so he could feel her weight and know she was real.
Sy smoothed both hands up her back as he held her close and kissed her deep, parting her lips with his tongue and licking into the space she made for him while she did the same. When he realized he wasn’t going to be able to stop if they kept kissing for much longer, he raised his hands to tangle in her hair and pull her head from his as he cleared his throat and spoke low.
“Sorry, that’s more than I thought I’d get from you at the moment. I doubt your dad or the neighbors wanna see what else I’d like to do to you right now.”
“There are no neighbors nearby, Sy. And Dad doesn’t spend time in the back of the house.”
Sy couldn’t help himself from stiffening at the thought and raised an eyebrow in question. He grew even harder as he watched Frankie bite her bottom lip and nod as she ran her hands down his chest landing at the clasp of his slacks. She unhooked the waistband and slid the zipper down agonizingly slowly before reaching in to grab his aching cock and push his boxers down enough so that he was free and could feel her touch on his burning skin.
He dropped his hands to her thighs, smoothing the thin fabric up her legs and sweeping his fingers over her ass cheeks while she stroked him lazily and bent to return to the kiss. His hands found the strings of her thong and he slipped a thumb under the back so he could grab hold and tug up, applying pressure to her clit. Frankie moaned into his mouth and arched her back into the sensation.
Sy pulled the flimsy material to the side and reached his hand further down and under her ass so he could just feel the wetness as he brushed his fingers against the delicate lips he could barely reach. He only realized how much he was also loving the way her hand squeezed and pulled him when she stopped suddenly and he broke the kiss to see what could be wrong. Instead of disaster, he was met with her mischievous eyes as she wiggled the hand that had previously been making him feel so good under her skirt while her other hand pulled the material back so he could see exactly what she was doing.
He groaned and watched rapt as Frankie slid her fingers inside her underwear and into her cunt. She pressed deep and moved around before she pulled them back out glistening with her own juices. And just like that he was in heaven again as she smeared her slick all over his cock and bent to whisper in his ear.
“Fuck me, Sy.”
“Gladly.” Sy eased her thong to the side down her thigh as she pressed her feet into the earth beneath them to lift up and settle herself back down his length with a luxurious sigh. She had barely engulfed him completely before he began to squeeze his ass to pump his hips into her with fervor.
With her hands on Sy’s shoulders, Frankie used the leverage to lift and lower herself on him in tandem with his thrusts, as he delved deeper and deeper. He felt every squeeze of her walls around him and swallowed her cries of pleasure as the head of his engorged member brushed her cervix again and again. 
Sy wanted to put his hands on her body, on her skin. He thought about lifting her dress up and over her head, but settled on simply wrapping an arm around her waist and sliding the other up her back so he could manipulate her movements to make sure they were both feeling as good as they could. He wanted this to last forever, but seeing her now, hearing her moan above him for the first time in months knowing the last time he saw her he was making her come too caused a rush of sensation to course through his body. He pulled away from their kiss again.
“I ain’t gonna last Sugar, not like this.”
“I need you to hang on a little bit longer, Sy. Please,” Frankie begged him, grinding her hips a few more times before she did the unthinkable. After easing herself off him, she pulled her dress off exactly the way Sy had just wanted to. She dropped it to the grass and then sank to her knees and finally her back with the dress as a makeshift blanket. She reached out for him and he tumbled forward off the bench and between her open legs, pressing a kiss to her lips as he palmed a breast.
His lips moved over her chin and throat as he began to ease his way down her body, pulling her tiny thong along with him and pushing it off her legs. He took a few moments to push his own shoes and pants off as well pull his shirt over his head and now just as naked as Frankie, Sy positioned himself between her legs, shoulders spreading her wide so he could get a good long look at her puffy, pink pussy dripping and waiting for him.
“Not sure I’m gonna last long this way either, but we’ll give it a try,” he teased before putting his mouth on her. He nipped at her clit and rubbed his forefingers along her slit, easing in and out with a tease she whimpered for. When he heard her beg with a “please” he slid his fingers all the way in and licked around them. Sy pumped and pressed the palm of his hand against her mound for a moment before he pulled his hand all the way out and let his tongue do the rest of the work. 
He felt his cock rub against the fabric of her dress as he rutted against the ground and fought to stem the growing pressure.
“So fucking turned on eating you out like this, Frankie,” he groaned into her cunt before returning to the job. Frankie held his head in place, grinding up against him. When she came in a rush of heat and wet, Sy took the opportunity to crawl back up and slip his dick inside her, thrusting and pumping with vigor. He grazed his fingers up the side of her body and then watched as she grabbed his hand and moved it to her throat, pressing just a little.
“Just hold still right there,” she gasped. “Fuck me and I’ll do the rest.”
Sy grunted in pleasure at the thought and did as he was instructed. He felt Frankie lean up into his hand. All the effort it took to keep his hand precisely still for her meant his attention wasn’t on how good she felt around him as he pumped in and out. Where he thought he’d need just a few more strokes, Sy now felt the time slip by as she moved into his hand and back out again, playing with her own breath for him. When he finally felt her tighten around him, he wasn’t prepared for how fast his own release came as well. He was so caught up in the way she maneuvered that he hadn’t noticed the build at all.
They lay naked on the grass next to each other, catching their breath with hands on their chests, waiting until the pounding of their hearts had resided before turning to face one another.
“You sure no one could see us?”
“Would you hate me if I said no?” Frankie teased before leaning over for a kiss to taste herself on his lips. “Kidding. No one can see us. Even if Dad ventured back to the kitchen, where he never likes to go anymore, there are enough trees and bushes in the garden to obscure this view. Our closest neighbors are a couple kilometers away. Your virtue is safe, promise.”
“Funny.” Sy rolled her on her back and kissed her long and deep again before settling along her side, drawing lazy lines along her skin. “You know I didn’t know what to expect when I saw you again. I’m real glad how this has turned out so far.”
“I wasn’t going to leave you in limbo forever, I swear. I just needed to get my head on straight.” Frankie sat up and reached for Sy’s pants, handing them to him and motioning to her own dress below.
“Did I fuck up your timeline?” Sy asked, plucking his shirt off the ground next. He stuck his arms through the sleeves and tucked his thumbs in the neck hole to pull the shirt over his head, elbows wide, before checking around for his shoes.
“I’ll recover, I’m sure.” Frankie slipped the dress back on and did her own sweep of the lawn, looking for her panties.
“I got those, Sugar,” Sy grinned, making a show of tucking the small bundle into his pocket. “Safe keeping till you come back home.”
Frankie reached up to run her fingers through Sy’s hair, brushing a few stray pieces of grass from his locks and let him do the same for her before pulling him in for more kisses. She broke away reluctantly and hooked her arm through his to lead the way back up to the house.
“I honestly haven’t decided when that’ll be, Sy.”
“I’m pretty good at waiting for you if you hadn’t noticed.”
“Or if I ever will.”
Sy stopped short and turned her to him.
“I wondered about that. Not for my own selfish reasons, mind you. But I got to thinking about some of the things you told me over dinner that night. About having a safety net of sorts. This is a nice place.”
“I also told you I liked being useful…but you’re not wrong. It’s been a long time since I took care of myself.”
“Or let someone take care of you?”
“Sy…”
“I ain’t talking about keeping you under wraps, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, Sugar. I just mean, you don’t need to go it alone. Look, you are free to make your own decisions about going back to the agency, finding something else to do, or quitting altogether. But I wanna be with you, Frankie. Wherever that is. If you wanna stay here, I’ll let you know right now that if you’ll have me, I’m ready to leave it all behind, too.”
“You’d walk away with me, Sy?”
“I would.“
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Translations of the French *,**,**:
* “How can I help you?”
** “Papa, who is it?”
*** “Papa, you remember Dean? From high school. We called him Sy back then.”
Taglists
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Walk with Me only (I added you if you reblogged or asked and Tumblr would let me): @kingliam2019​ @valacircareads​ @sofiebstar​ @cardierreh15​​ @firstcashheroathlete​​ @ylva-syverson​​ @sunriserose1023​​ @cavilladdict​​ @angreav​​ @ellethespaceunicorn​​ @mis-lil-red​​ @peaches1958​​ @xhoneyxbeex​​ @livisss​​  @hangmanscoming​​
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ultralightpoe · 7 months
Text
Bigger Than The Whole Sky - Ethan Landry
Authors Note: I have been trying to find any sort of energy to post and get out of bed. Got so close to giving up on life itself and I'm barely back, please bare with me as I try to find my way out of my depression hole I have dug for myself everyone. I know it's been a minute but life has been kicking my ass. Be patient with me - Ultralight
Word Count: 3405
Warnings: thoughts of su!cide, angst, grief.
Apart of my MIDNIGHTS EVENT. (Next Event is Sour by Olivia Rodrigo. Requests closed. Event following yet to be decided)
SOUR EVENT
MAIN MASTERLIST
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Enjoy!
No words appear before me in the aftermath
Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears
Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness
'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea
It all went numb at some point. 
You didn’t know when, and you weren’t really mad about it considering it helped with the stab wounds, but at some point after you found out you just…..lost it…….lost the spark. Every will to survive just vanished like smoke in the wind. You had no strength left. 
Police officers snapped in front of your face, desperate to get your statement on the events as medics panicked and tried to get your attention, yelling to each other that you were going into a state of shock as reporters filmed and yelled to get the scoop. You didn’t really think you were going into shock, no, shock was when you go frozen and cold from a traumatic incident. 
This…… this was just pure heartbreak. 
Ethan……….. Ethan had- 
And just like that you were leaning forward to spill your guts as the medic in front of you curses and backs out of the way, tears running down your cheeks hotly as you suck in a sharp breath. You had given absolutely everything to him, you had given EVERYTHING. 
And yet you weren’t angry or upset…… you were just numb. 
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
What could've been, would've been you
That feeling of numbness quickly passed, and you were left with an unending sadness that just made you tired. 
The news had already published the story over and over, his face took over your phone every time you opened any form of social media and you had yet to clear out all the photos you had taken during your relationship. There was no escaping it, not that you truly wanted to. 
You would never admit that to the others, since they had gone straight to anger. 
They just didn’t understand…. You always thought, which would bring a bitter laugh to your lips because what didn’t they understand? Sam had her boyfriend betray her, Tara lost her childhood best friend from it, Sidney fucking prescott had lost so many people to it. It was a tale as old as time. One falls in love, gets betrayed and stabbed and moves on. 
But you couldn’t move on, you couldn’t leave him. Ethan had stitched you up when you scrambled your way into his life, broken and torn after losing your brother Wes and your mother last round. 
He had saved you. 
“-Yes Mindy,” You snap, reaching a hand to cover your face as you pass a group of kids with their phones pointed at you, the overnight bag carried on your shoulder weighing you down a bit as your boots scuffed on the floor. “I have my taser.”
“I just don’t understand why you decided to walk by yourself in the middle of the night.” She scoffs, the sound of doja cat behind her. “You should’ve called me-”
“First off, my roommate brought a boy over, I hadn’t planned on this. Second of all, you realize I can hear your sex playlist in the background, right?” You fake a laugh for her, trying your best not to let her know you were scared because then she would leave Anika and you didn’t want her to do that since she had worked so hard to get this date. 
“Just call me when you get there?” 
“How about I send you a smiley emoji?” 
“If you send me an emoji I will-”
“Oh, I see a 7-11, I’m gonna stop and get your brother a slushie to ease my arrival. Gotta go-” You rush to hang up, ignoring her disapproval and dashing into the light of the gas station. 
By the time you make it to Chad’s dorm you are shaking and trying your best not to have a panic attack in the middle of the hallway. Arms full with snacks and slushees as you use your foot to pound on the door. 
You prepare a wide smile on your face for when he opens the door, shimmying to ease the tension in your shoulders, doing your best to seem happy. 
But when the door swings open it’s not the cocky smile of Chad that greets you rather than the nervous expression of the curly haired kid in one of your classes, staring at you with wide eyes. “C-can I help you?”
“Oh. Sorry. I was- uh- maybe I had the wrong room?” You blush, stepping back to survey the hall for room numbers. “Crap-”
“Who are you looking for? I know everyones rooms.” He offers, leaning out the door to survey the hall himself. “Dylan? Right? He has a lot of girls come in so-”
“Chad. Chad Meeks.” You snap, blush deepening at the Dylan comment. 
“OH! Yeah, in here. I’m his roommate.” The kid explains, stepping out of the way and widening the door. He waits a second, staring at you as you stare back wide eyed, the room behind him pitch black. He looks confused for a moment before turning to see what the problem was, jumping a bit when he realizes and twisting for the light switch. 
“Sorry- I was sleeping- I wasn’t doing anything else I swear.” He rushes out, shaking his hands. “I am not a creep I swear.”
“You still have the lotion on the shelf-” He whirls to look and you try to stifle your laughter, turning to the bed on the right. “Where is Chad?”
“He went to check on Tara or something. Should be back in like…. soon ?” 
“Okay. Cool. I can go to a coffee shop until he gets here then.” 
“What? Why would you do that? You can wait here no problem.” He shrugs, moving to sit at his desk. You wait a moment before pushing the slushee out to him. 
“Then here. You can have Chad’s slushee.” 
“Thanks.” He smiles, grabbing it softly. “You do the econ homework yet?” 
“We had homework?” You laugh, moving to grab the homework from him. 
Did some bird flap its wings over in Asia?
Did some force take you because I didn't pray?
Every single thing to come has turned into ashes
'Cause it's all over, it's not meant to be
So I'll say words I don't believe
Your court ordered therapist said that you might have relied on him too much, after being broken down from the last incident you had grasped onto the first kind soul you met. She believed that you were trying to fix the trust back, find the nice kind person you once had been. 
You believed she was just telling you anything to make you feel better, right before she stamped a red flag on your papers for ‘DANGEROUSLY DEPRESSED’ and prescribing you hundreds of pills that you would dump down the toilet and tell her you were taking. It was a fun game. 
But she might have been right about the relying thing.  Like walking around with a broken leg, relying on a crutch only for it to break and leave to tumbling down a hill straight into the knife of someone you completely trusted wearing a stupid mask because they were too chicken to face you-
“Y/n!” Chad calls, reaching a hand on your shoulder and squeezing as tightly as he could, which after all the nerve damage and stab wounds wasn’t really much. 
“I’m listening!” You rush, snapping to look at your four friends. 
“No you weren’t.” He laughs, pulling his hand back and keeping it close to him. “We were deciding dinner and if you were listening you would recommend what you always recommend-”
“Pizza.” 
“Oh. My. God.” He groans as Mindy reaches out to hug around your shoulders, pulling you tight. 
“Leave my sister alone.” 
“I’m your brother.”
“Chadward. Can you please just…..shhhhhh?” You ask, flipping him off. This draws a laugh from your friends and you imitate them, but your laugh isn’t the slightest bit real which leaves you feeling lost.  And a bit awkward. 
“You okay?” Sam asks, leaning closer to you so no one else hears. You nod, not trusting actual words to come out. She obviously does not believe it but you claim to be thirsty and leave for some water. 
“You’re actually telling me that you prefer Star Trek over Star Wars?!” Ethan asks, eyes wide as he walks beside you on the way to Econ, adjusting his shoulder bag so as to not let it fall.  “What is wrong with you?”
“More like what is right with me! You really like all that incest crap?”
“Oh…. you are going there?” he gasps and you shrug. “Then what do you think about the Targaryens, huh?”
He laughs when you stop short, thinking your reaction was due to his question, but in reality you had just seen someone design across the yard with a ghostface mask on, the football team laughing at the strangers antics. 
“What a jerk.” Ethan sighs when he finally spots it, moving to block your view as you both walk. 
It had been 2 weeks since you met Ethan, and ever since he had walked you to and from Econ which you found that you loved more than anything else. During these walks you got to argue over anything and everything nerdish, just easy and happy conversations. Plus you got to stand close to him which was always a plus since you loved how he smelled and his sweaters were always soft on your skin. 
“Did you do the homework?” You ask, changing the subject to get your mind off the douchebag in the mask. 
“Yes. And you can copy it when we get inside.” He laughs, shuffling past you to open the door quickly, holding it open for you with an easy smile. 
“After you, Spock.”
“Oh why thank you Han Solo!” You smile, flipping your hair as you walk past him. 
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
You spent your mornings in bed, the sheets tucked around you tightly like a butterfly in the cocoon, staring blankly at your wall.  In these moments you could barely muster the energy to lift your head from the pillow, eyes glazed with tears. 
What was the point of anything?  Why were you here when Ethan was……. Gone. Ethan, the brilliant kind soul that had an amazing future for himself was taken from the world while were wasting space. 
You were never as smart as him, not nearly as funny or great. You had no future, which was ironic considering you were the one here……unless. 
No. 
Don’t think about it, that was rule number one.
But it would make things so much easier. 
You wouldn’t do it. 
No one would miss you…..
For a second your body melts into the sheets as you think about it, all the possibilities and the freedom it would bring. No more getting out of bed and no more stares from people. No more ghostface -.
But you couldn’t, and you wouldn’t. 
So you stand, and force yourself to run a bath, sinking into the heat of it as you close your eyes, leaning back so you are completely submerged. Like the hot water could wash away your past, give you an entirely clean slate.
When your head hits the bottom, hands gripping tightly to the sides of the tub as you listen to your heartbeat under the water, the steady thump of it calming you down a bit while you open your eyes. 
And there he is, blurry through the water, leaning over the tub to watch you carefully. Almost as if he were scared……Ethan. 
Ethan was here, and he was scared. 
Ethan. 
“You were so nervous on our first date, remember that? And look at you now.” You tease, hitting Ethan’s shoulder with a twizzler while he fakes swagger, posing for you which leads you to cackle. “He said  ‘we’ll take the large popcorn AND the twizzlers.”
“You know it.”
“College boy has moneyyyyyyyyy-” For a moment you imitate throwing cash, making him dance under the imaginary paper, both of you humming out words to a random pop song. “Get it. Get it. Get it.”
“I’m rich…. And you suck!” He snaps, moving to walk off as you gasp. 
“And you are no longer getting laid!” 
“Wait- wait I didn’t mean it.” 
“Too late dork brains.”
“Gimme another chance here. I’ll splurge for a slushee.”
“You should have splurged for the slushee in the first place rich college boy.” You tease, walking past him. “I’m not cheap, you know. One of a kind over here.”
“Don’t I know it.” He blushes, moving forward to pull you close, walking with his arm over your shoulders. “You know I love you right?”
“I know.” You wink, smiling when he laughs at the Star Wars reference. “Now come on, we have a movie to watch.”
“Heck yeah.” He grabs your hand, leading you into the theater, checking behind him every couple of seconds to make sure you were still there and okay. Three months into dating Ethan and you were absolutely in love with the man. 
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
“Y/n!” He shouts, muffled by the water, reaching his hands into the water to pull you up. When you break the surface you are gasping and spluttering out, hands clinging onto his sleeves tightly with tears streaming down your face. 
“You’re here….” You sob, leaning out of the tub to hug him tightly, your face shoving itself into your shoulder as he wraps himself around you, his sleeves wet against your back while you sob into his shoulder.  “I missed you, you ruined my life.”
“I’m sorry, believe me, that wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“You’re not gonna leave again? Right?!”  
“No… no I’m here.” He whispers, moving to take his shoes off and climb into the tub, pulling you so your back was to his chest and wrapping his arms around you once more, his hoodie just as soft as it always ways and his cheek resting gently on your shoulder. 
“You need to focus.” You mumble, not looking up at Ethan as he stares at you. “We have a test.”
“Halloween is coming up.” He scoffs. “What’s the point?”
“Woah, what has been going on with you lately? Are you dying after halloween? Do you turn into a pumpkin when the clock strikes midnight?” You tease, looking up at him finally. “Seriously you keep talking like halloween is the end of it all.”
“I’m just stressed, that’s all.” He shrugs, moving to lay his forehead on your arm while you kiss the top of his head. 
“It’s date night tonight, what do you want to do-” Before you could finish the question his phone rings on the table, and he snatches it up when you look to see who is calling. 
“I’ll see you later, okay?” He rushes, kissing your cheek and leaving without another word. 
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
(What could've been, would've been)
What could've been, would've been you
(Could've been, would've been)
(Could've been, would've been)
Silence fills the room as you both sit there, the heat from the bath calming you down as you twist to lay your cheek on the arm he had on the edge of the bath, closing your eyes. 
“What’s the plan, Y/n?” He breaks the silence, taking his left hand and rubbing the wet hair off your forehead. 
“To sleep here and forget the world.”
“I meant the life plan.”
“Don’t have one.”
“Yes….you do.”
“I plan on-”
“Be serious. Tell me your plan.”
“Do I really need one?”
“With the thought you were having this morning? Yes.”
“How did you know about my thoughts?”
“You have a future you know.” He whispers. “You have an amazing future ahead of you, without me.”
“I don’t think I can make it….”
“You can. I know you can.”
“I just want to sleep…….can you just hum for me? Like you always do?” You cry, reaching up to touch his hoodie. 
“I can do that.” 
He put you in his hoodie the night you stayed over, snatching it from where you had thrown it on the ground in both your rushes to get to his bed, pulling your arms into the sleeves as he kissed up your arms. His lips graze your collar bone before he kisses up your neck, smiling when you close your eyes. 
“Come on, I’ll tuck you in.” He whispers, hugging you close as you both waddle to the bed, shuffling in together until you were both lying down. Your head on his chest as he hummed softly, after a moment you can’t help but laugh when you realize what he is humming. 
“Are you humming me the imperial march?”
“No!” He rushes which makes you laugh even more. “It is so not funny-”
“No no no, I loved it. Keep humming keep humming.” You whisper, moving to look up at him with your chin on his chest. “It was great.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you’re gorgeous?” He whispers back, bringing a hand up to rub a thumb across your cheek. 
“You….everyday. Like 10 minutes ago when you finished inside m-”
“WOW!” He interrupts, blushing and laughing. 
“You’re handsome.” You answer, leaning up to kiss him before laying back down. “Now keep humming.”
“I can do that.”
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
When you wake up you are alone, in his sweater and in your pajamas, the bath cold and the sun streaming in. He wasn’t actually here, you realize, he never was. You had managed to sit in a bath fully clothed, and fall asleep. 
There is pounding on the door, drawing your attention quickly, making you rush to jump out to answer it. 
When you open the front door Sam is standing there, taking one look at your tear streaked face and soaked clothes before she is diving in to grab you in her arms. She holds you tight as you collapse, rocking you slowly as you sob into her chest. 
“I’m sorry!”
“It’s okay.”
“He did terrible things to us- and I can’t fucking get it together.”
“You’re doing great. There is no correct way to go about this.”
“I miss him.”
“That’s okay.”
“I wanted a future with him.”
“You deserved one.” And when Sam says it there was no malicious hint to it, just a soft understanding smile. “But you deserve a future after him too.”
“I cannot believe we are actually doing this.” You laugh, rushing past your friend to snatch your shoe from the bookshelf, you had no clue how it got there. “Ohmygod! Hurry hurry hurry!”
She laughs, letting you snatch her hand and rush you out the door, both of you running as fast as you can to the train stop. 
“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” She mumbles, excitement written on her features as you both huddle together on the seat. While she panics you take a second to check your phone, smiling when you see that Sam had sent you the pictures from her wedding you attended months ago, both of you smiling widely.
The lights flicker on the train, and for a moment your heart stops, you take a second to look around……and for as long as it has been you are ashamed to admit you wait to see Ethan on the other side of the train. 
But he is not here and you were no longer there. 
You were in your future, living bigger than the whole sky just as he would want. 
Which meant Taylor Swift of course…….
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Meet the Writer Tag!
(Thank you so much to @mysticstarlightduck for tagging me! Sorry I took so long lol)
This is me!
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(I don't normally wear this many accessories/jewellery lol. But I wish I did! I love it sm)
Three Fun Facts About Me:
I have never been in a relationship before. Ever. The only experience I have in that department is through other people's stories, not really my own. And by that, I mean that I'm used to watching my friends/people around me getting in and out of relationships, and listening to songs about romance and love and heartbreak... but not really relating to them due to not having any of those experiences myself (but it's alright, tho. It'll happen when it happens! In the meantime, I always have my made-up ships from my writing lol).
My favourite book growing up was "Matilda" by Roald Dahl. I thought Matilda was such a cool girl growing up lol. And lowkey relatable in a lot of ways. No, I wasn't a child genius. But she kind of fits into the archetype that I always found comfort in due to being that kind of person myself. Smart/intellectually curious, bookworm, introverted/independent, genuinely kind and has a heart in spite of being seen as cold by others (another example of this is Huey from Boondocks. Been rewatching some episodes of that show recently and wow... forgot how crazy it was lol. It's good, tho).
Christmas is my favourite holiday! 🎅❄️🎄I do get why some people may dislike it, I guess (like, my younger sister isn't a fan, and she's explained why... I get it. The over-commercialisation of it takes a lot of the "specialness" out of it, you know? Distracts from the actual meaning behind it and all. Plus, it can suck if you're just feeling sad and lonely during a time of celebration for everyone else. Aside from that, technically Easter is more significant if you look at it from the lens of which Christian holiday is most important). But I love the joyfulness and festiveness. Makes me feel all jolly and cosy inside. Plus, I love singing Christmas carols. And presents. And Christmas movies. I just love Christmas lol.
Favorite season:
Autumn. Or fall, as some others prefer to call it. That's when my birthday is!!
(Second place is summer because that's holiday season. Plus, that's when my sister's birthday is.)
Continent where I live:
I live in the UK, so Europe.
How I spend my (free) time:
Writing (duh)
Writeblr stuff (tag games, making OC playlists, answering questions, communicating with followers and having discussions with them about writing, etc)
YouTube (mainly watching videos... but I do want to start making videos myself at some point. Stay tuned for that, I guess)
Studying/school assignments (I'm in university)
Listening to music
Singing
Watching movies/TV shows
Reading
Eating lol
Are you published?
No. It'd be cool to be, though. Pretty sure I've mentioned this at least once before, but I want to self-publish the Stephanie Smith saga once I'm done with it.
Introvert or extrovert?
Introvert. 100% introvert lol. I feel most comfortable within myself when I'm by myself. As a kid, I was so painfully shy that the thought of going up to someone and asking a simple question would terrify me lol. As I got older, though, I was super duper lonely, and I realised that I had no real friends because I was keeping myself all closed off in a tight shell, so I'd literally force myself to open up and become more social and make friends with other kids. I practised it, like how you do with any skill. Now it's not so bad. I'd say I can carry a conversation with someone fairly well, even if I don't know them so well.
Favorite meal:
Ooooh.... this is hard. I love most foods lol.
I think I'll go with something a little bit more traditional. I'm Kenyan, and one of my favourite meals that I've grown up eating is chapatti and stew (any kind of stew, or soup. But my mum would usually make this stew with kidney beans. That was a big hit growing up). Haven't had it in almost a year, tho.
Aside from that, I love pizza. And Nandos.
Tagging: @clairelsonao3, @exquisitecrow, @mister-writes, @winterandwords, @mjparkerwriting, @e-everlasting-g, @erieautumnskies, @annethewittywriter, @writingwithfolklore, @ashwithapen
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around-problems · 6 months
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Carmen Sandiego Spotify Playlist and what/who each Song reminds me of:
Warning, spoilers for every season of CS; If you haven't watched it yet, why haven't you?
Strange Sight - This song is from the Tinkerbell movies from Disney but it's so GOOD. It reminds me of the end of S1 and S2, particularly the integration of Shadow-san to Red Team. This song hits the feels EVERYTIME and I want to make a fanfiction about it. Particularly, it makes me think of the Rio caper, the Japan episode and boy's night with Zack, hahaha...
Cast the Bronze - By Raynes. Yet another Dadowsan song, this just reminds me of everything he's been through and everything he's willing to go through for Carmen after she changed his life. NO, I'M NOT OK, OK? I keep thinking of the last episode of the show ;_;
Mile Magnificent - By molly ofgeography. It is Carmen vibes all the way through. It just reminds me of Carmen and her journey in V.I.L.E. and how she became the person she is and took the path of good rather than choosing the easy way out.
I'm Okay - By Honest Men. Honestly it reminds me of the entire Red Team. It makes me think of the shenanigans they might've got themselves on while redecorating the warehouse, the impromptu movie nights, the a capela karaoke sessions between the twins, the times where each member orders different take out and they do takeout bufes. Just them having an overall good time together despite the circumstances and their individual pasts. <3
Innocently Annoying - By Elysewood. Reminds me of Graham, weirdly enough. Not just him but all of Carmen's former friends from V.I.L.E. after finding out why she left and starting to go up against her on missions. It's a little heartbreaking considering that other than Tigress they all got along very well, and we even see Le Chèvre and El Topo not wanting to fight her (and yet the one who's supposed to care for her most - the one she saw as a brother - tried to kill her on that train). Without context, I imagine the "friends" she left behind didn't understand her decisions.
All Eyes on You - By Smash Into Pieces. Carmen Song. Particularly the feeling she must've gotten from when she started to take on V.I.L.E. head on. She had Player but it's not like they had ever met. She got the twins but at that point they weren't really family. I think their relationships grew a lot and very fast, but Carmen was still the one with the target on her back (and the V.I.L.E. nightmares).
Suspicious Minds - By Elvis Presley. THIS ONE IS JUST FUNNY. Someone I talked to about the playlist called it "iconic", I think they put it best. Ofc it reminds me of S2 Ep3, but also you know Zack and Ivy would play that at the karaoke just to annoy Shadow-san, and he'd be secretly happy about it. I just know it!
More Than a Feeling - By Boston. Y'all, the official lyrics for this are "till I see Shadow-san walk awayyyy! ... I see my Shadow-san walking awayyyy..." and NO ONE can fight me about this.
Icarus - By Bastille. Reminds me of everyone in their own way. Carmen from going against V.I.L.E., it can't be an easy decision and from all the close calls she's had that we've seen... Zack with his recklessness and specially in the backstory episode - my heart was on my throat as well as Ivy's when his car capsized. Man I know Player says he has parents, but my boy acts like he lives with his grandma or something... By far the scene in the end of S4 broke my heart beyond belief. Shadow-san, I'd rant about my boy every and any day but I'll repeat myself too much. Ivy, gosh. Her insecurities are so palpable and relatable, I love her, how capable she is and yet how she puts Carmen in a pedestal she could never reach by comparison. As a bonus, Julia, from standing up to her beliefs despite having everyone go against her & Devineaux for all the danger he's been on, and I know him getting hurt is played for laughs and giggles in the show, but this man has suffered a lot and never, ever gave up. That's strength.
Wolves of the Revolution - By The Arcadian Wild. Red Team angst. Zack and Ivy's, Carmen and Shadow-san's individual upbringings, their struggles, their insecurities. The way they find solace in each other just enough to keep going. I think of the episode the twins got the offer to race for Mr. Sterling Sterling and when Carmen was recovering from Stockholm specifically.
Battle Cry - By The Family Crest. Gosh this song hits hard. I'm a Shadow-san and Carmen super fan, so ofc this reminds me of them. Specially I think how in the latter episodes Shadow-san seemed more reckless and getting hurt more? Letting Roudabout hit him (his line "I'm here for Carmen"), Lady Dokuso hit him with the ninja star, falling from the roof as well, breaking his leg; almost getting buried in ice after fighting Brunt (his line "Your constant treats to Carmen end here.") BRO. The song's lyrics? "I will fight for you, I would die for you" If that's not Shadow-san in the last episode of the show I don't know what is.
Liar - By The Arcadian Wild. Second Arcadian Wild song, it's not my fault their vibes fit Red Team. I'd argue Carmen song, but honestly it fits a bunch of people. Carmen, Shadow-san, Zack, Devineaux... This show is full of complex and interesting characters, what did you expect? But ultimately I think this song fits Devineaux particularly well- If you ship Chase x Julia is a pretty good song for that ship too!
House a Habit - By We Are the Guests. Red Team, post 2 year skip at the end? They all go back to San Diego (including Carmen's mom or not) and live together because GIVE ME BACK MY FOUND FAMILY DAMNIT!
Abandon Ship - By finn. AU where Shadow-san makes it to the boat and slowly adopts the rest of Red Team. Dadowsan vibes through the roof, he adopts Graham, he adopts Le Chèvre and El Topo, one big anti-V.I.L.E. happy family.
Ship In a Bottle - By finn. I needed to add this song too. This is Carmen song, lyrics, music, it's just her. The way she packs lightly because she has nothing to her name and doesn't know anything about her family for the longest time. S1 Carmen allegory.
Will I Find My Home - By Juniper Vale & Van Izak. Found Family Allegory.
Rule #9 - Child of the Stars - By Fish in a Birdcage. Shadow-san about Carmen. Her bright eyes, her soft hands, ready to take on the world, it just fits.
Rule #23 - Birds of a Feather - By Fish in a Birdcage. Another Carmen song. Specially the first part.
Never Love an Anchor - By The Crane Wives. Lot's of Dadowsan songs in this but hey, I got a type ig... This one really hits on the feels of Shadow-san always being cold towards young Carmen,
Northen Star - By Dom Fera. Finally a Player song. Just Player thoughts when he is helping Carmen.
Carnivore - By Bear Attack! Ok, hear me out... Just Carmen dealing with the feelings of aftermath when Graham keeps flirting with her despite her not being interest in him or Carmen upset at Graham for his betrayal in the first episode, specially because she saw him as a big brother, and he blames her for interfering in their mission when she's the one doing the right thing. Could be platonic or ship.
The Graduate - By Arcadian Wild. The guitar in their songs really do fit Carmen's vibes. This just reminds me of young Carmen growing up in V.I.L.E. island and stepping out from that life after finding out the truth. The name of the song also has a cool ring to it "graduate" as if her failing the graduation from thief school, made her graduate in something else...
Tightrope - This is a song from The Greatest Showman musical (a movie). I think this could easily be a ship song for any ship in this show, honestly, specially because it's supposed to be a romantic song in the movie, but it's not just that, you know? It's a family song as well, so I see it as a good song for Red Team and their found family!
Providence - By Poor Man's Poison. This song is just a vibe. Honestly feels like a V.I.L.E. song, lowkey? Just the vibes of joining the school and abandoning your morals to get rich and "official" join the league of villains after graduation, must be a weird feeling right?
Wish you the Worse - By Ryan Mack. Same vibes as Carnivore by Bear Attack! (earlier on the playlist), but more chill I'd say. Reminds me of Carmen antagonizing Shadow-san in S1, talking smack about him and feeling proud of showing him how good of a thief she really is, but still having nightmares about him; proving she does care about his opinion. The line "Fuck you and all your friends" I just imagine Carmen saying that to Shadow-san "all your friends" being the rest of the faculty, who, aside from Brunt, Carmen doesn't give enough of a shit about to mention.
Lost - By finn. Spotify tends to recommend songs from the same artists to your playlists, it's not my fault they fi, so yeah multiple songs from the same people. The Chorus motif with the guitar is SO GOOD, it fits Carmen's evasive personality amazingly. This song just reminds me of her reluctance to have a base building, and traveling the worlds with no clue where to end up next. "If I'm found I'll end up lost." If I settle in a place, it'll remind me too much of V.I.L.E., aside from that last year, she grew up in the place, no wonder she's conflicted about it, despite going against their ideals.
Noseblead Seats - By Vansire. Travelling around the world, by plane or car, I assume Team Red got at least ONE road trip on their pasts and this is the song I imagine playing thorough it.
Inkpot Gods - By The Amazing Devil. Shadow-san/Carmen song each respectively to their "dad". Take that as you will.
Mostly - By Vian Izak & Juniper Vale. A moment of vulnerability between the team. Here's what I'm picturing. One night, Carmen Zack Ivy and Shdoaw-san are on call with Player and they start talking about one of V.I.L.E.'s current plans and somehow, the twins clumsiness comes up. Ivy and Zack then confess they don't feel ready, they never have, they're just wigging it and it's showing; all the comments they've been hearings, all the failures they've been through are starting to get to them and they feel... worthless. So, Carmen confesses she doesn't always know what to do either, that she too feels unprepared, like she's not enough, and that the reason she powers through and that she can keep going is because of the amazing people that she's met along the way and that have supported her. Player also let's them know, he's always scared, scared he'll fail, or won't be on time, or that there's nothing he can do as he hears his friends struggle through the speakers. Finally, Shadow-san let's them know they're doing great and that, through his life, he's made so many mistakes, he's failed time and time over and his decisions disappoint him beyond measuring, but for everything he's been through, for all the moments he felt desperate because he didn't know what to do... he's glad he lived the life the way he did, because it led him there, to that moment with those people, and he couldn't be more grateful for it.
I'm going to end it there for now, I hope you guys can enjoy at least some of the songs with me! :)
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2hopatz · 11 months
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ONLY - Park Seonghwa
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Genre: Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort Warnings: Heartbreak, Making out, Crying, Cursing, Mentions of Alcohol and Alchohol Consumption, Sickeningly Sweet Fluff Word Count: 4.9K+ Pairing: p. sh x gender non-specified reader (a/n): It is 6:54am, and I have finally found the time to finish this fic. There is a discrepancy in my final grade for one class (heavy pissed sighing being heard from me insert here) but other than that my classes are done. I kinda fucked up last semester (freshman year semester one after a gap year is hard) but I made all As this semester!! I'm very proud of myself :)). Anyway!! I hope you guys enjoy this barely proofread Seonghwa fic. I am... not fond of this one. I feel I could do better, but it won't ever get uploaded if I keep backtracking. It is based on ONLY - LeeHi and is part of my playlist series. Enjoy~ Mwah!
For all the reasons you tried to come up with, you didn’t know why you went to the top of the building that night. The pressure mounting from your new internship, the drive to make it in a society that didn’t want you to. There were reasons upon reasons why you could have gone to the top of the building that night, but none of those were it. Something just pulled you in.
You swear that within the last ten minutes, the music within the party had become unbearably loud. Colors swim across your vision, all too bright, the bodies dancing around you all too warm. The brush of their skin, the touch of their clothing. It is all too much. You had tried calling to your friend Michael, yelling over the all-too-loud thumping that you needed to leave, but he was too preoccupied with the girl he was chatting up to even hear. All you know is that you need to get out, your thoughts getting all too fast and all too dark. 
‘I’m going to rip my fucking ear drums out. I can’t breathe, it’s too hot. I can’t breathe. My skin itches.’
Your breath gets heavier as you push through the crowd, tears pricking in your eyes. You don’t want to be like this, not tonight. Fun was the only thing you are supposed to be filled with, not fear. Despite all that, a refuge is the only thing you seek. 
‘I can’t get anywhere like this. I want to cry, I want to scream. I need somewhere quiet now.’ 
Then, like some form of magic or karma, a staircase appears. Your hands tremble as you step forward, gripping the railing for dear life. You are about to be free. 
‘I’ll text Michael when I calm down, I don’t want him to worry. Hell, it would be good for both of us if he finally got a goddamn date.’
In the midst of chaos, you clamber up the stairs and through a doorway, the night enveloping you in its cool embrace. You feel your panic waning almost immediately, the night around you calming your senses slowly but surely. Here you are safe, if only for a while. 
“Excuse me, I didn’t think there was anyone else up here.”
A voice cooed behind you, sultry and smooth compared to the crisp chillness in the air. Panic pulses through you again as you jump with a gasp. 
“Fucking hell dude. Holy shit, you scared me.”
“Sorry! I should have announced myself a bit better,” The stranger is sitting his glass down on the small table outside, before bowing his head politely in embarrassment. He was cute, with mid-length black hair framing his doe eyes. 
‘He’s really cute…’ you think to yourself, slowly eyeing his face, tilting your head in curiosity, before snapping out of it.
“It’s ok! Really! I just came up here to get away. It’s so noisy down there, I wanted to give myself a break.”
“This really isn’t the place for someone who likes the quiet.” The stranger smiles softly as he speaks, an airy laugh following after as he leans against the railing of the roof. Your laughter follows before your eyes are drawn toward the skyline of the city laid bare before you. You were so caught up in the panic that you hadn’t noticed how pretty it was right before you. Despite that, the goosebumps on your skin wouldn’t leave unless the panic in your heart did. 
‘Maybe if I ignore it long enough it will leave.’
“Damn…” you breathed out, smiling, “ what a roof!” The pretty man laughed behind you. 
“Quite the sight, I must say,” he is sauntering up beside you, and you realize just how tall he is. 
“Is there something on my face?” he asks tilting his head down with furrowed brows. 
“You’re pretty. That’s all. Super pretty, model pretty. I love your makeup.” You respond with a smile before turning back to view the city. You hear him cough beside you, catching a glimpse of his ears slowly turning red. His hand reaches up, covering the pink of his lips as he clears his throat. Your smile widens a bit, and your heart slows slightly as you calm down.
‘Quite easily flusterable,’ you think as you ponder what would happen if you compliment him more. A comfortable silence settles over the two of you, and you wonder when he got so close to you. He is warm and smells like vanilla and caramel; you considered whether it would be creepy to ask him what cologne he wears.
“You’re pretty too. Beautiful. Honestly.” He stands straighter, still looking out over the city. A compliment from him felt like skipping through a field of tulips, and heat rushes to your cheeks.
“Thank you… sir?” You ask awkwardly, looking up at him with expectant eyes. His head snaps toward you, shock morphing to amusement as he lets out a series of high-pitched giggles, silent ones following. As if instinctual, your own lips curl into a smile. 
“Sir?”
“Sir.” You respond grinning mischievously up at the man.
“Ok, your majesty.” He responds with a bow, before doubling over again with laughter, “Wooyoung always jokes that I look too old.”
“Not old. Professional,” Your eyes squint up at him as you nod with a coy smile, “ Your majesty is a bit over the top, don’t you think? The only thing I rule over is a beat-up Honda Civic.” His eyes glow as he laughs, and it is almost as if the reflections in the earthy browns of his iris were coming from within him. 
‘Maybe there’s a whole universe in there.’ you joked silently. A soft gasp broke you out of your trance as he looks down at nothing at all, his neck was a bit pink now. The silence now was awkward, the previous moment having nothing to replace its absence. Restless, your feet shifted, the sound of a stuttering two-step filling the silence. He looks at you through his lashes, fighting a smile. 
“If you wanted to dance, downstairs would have been the perfect dance floor.”
“Too loud. I would have jumped off this balcony before the beat even dropped,” You relish in his high-pitched laugh again, you let it steep like tea and honey, “why’d you come up here?”
“The club is fun… but not after 4 consecutive hours of it.”
“4 is fucking mental.” His eyes crease with laughter at your comment.
“Fucking insane, right? My friends are fond of a good party. A little too fond.” The conversation continues naturally for the next few minutes as you chronicle your journey to the club thus far. He laughs at your exasperation as you outline how Michael had dragged you here to get a date, or at least to get laid. He responds with the story of his own night, saying his friends San and Mingi brought him here, but he stayed so long against his will. You notice his gaze soften when you laugh, and he sighs. The city thrums with life as you both stare back out at it, mesmerized by lights, relaxing in each other’s presence.
“It’s like a little galaxy, isn’t it? Impossibly many people, meeting in impossibly many places,” you whisper, enjoying the breeze that blows by, despite it carrying the smell of smog.
“I suppose. There’s a chance of meeting so many people, taking advantage of so many opportunities.”
“A city wrapped up in fate.”
“Or chance.” his voice carries softly on the wind, and you could tell he has turned to look at you. He scoots to stand closer, and your arms brush softly, barely noticeable. Still, excitement overtakes you, and it takes hold of your heart before leaping into your throat. His eyes shine as you meet his gaze, his lips looking even softer than his voice sounds. 
“What are the chances that we’ll meet again after this?”
“Little to none.” he glanced at your lips as he said it, licking his lips unconsciously.
“Well then, we’d better make it last.” You sighed and smiled softly at him, walking to the table and pulling out your phone. 
“I don’t have my phone with me. It broke yesterday. I don’t even have anything to write with.” Regret laced his voice as he pouted lightly. He may kill you with that smile and that voice, and you’ve just met the man. 
“Then let’s just dance. The night is young, and so are we!” you smile with a flourish of your hand, beckoning him closer, music spilling from your phone speaker. He pauses slightly, and his eyes widen. Despite that, the next thing you feel was his arms around you. A warmth seeps into you, filling your soul with pure light. He feels like a lazy Sunday morning, like coffee on the stove, like the light spilling onto the floor. Every rigid muscle, every stressful thought melted till nothing was left, not even the puddle. For a moment, a flash in time, everything feels perfect.
Then, he starts to sway, leading you into a soft lull of hips, feet, and hands. Every piece of common sense flies out of the window, and you revel in the way his heart pounds in response to yours. You delight in the way he shudders every time your breath hits his neck. You hope he basks in you the same way, hopes he feels the way your thumbs stroke his arm and back, the way you can’t seem to do anything but smile.
You are one song in when his hands move from your waist to your hips, two when they lock behind your lower back. Three songs in when the space between you has been reduced to atoms, and four when the world starts to disappear. Everything is moving so fast, so why are you confident that this is where you belong? Right here in his arms, his lips ghosting over your forehead, hands pulling you further into his charm. You stumble as he starts to spin, and he catches you, needy hands pulling you back with no hesitation. You feel wobbly.
“Just like that. You’re doing so well.” He looks down at you with half-lidded eyes, a lush pink highlighting his high cheekbones, and a dam breaks within you as you look back up at him, into the universe behind his eyes. 
“Kiss me at least once before you leave.” It comes out as almost a plea.
“I’ll need more than that.”
“Then be greedy with me. Take as many as you want, give me all your affection. I want to be greedy with you too.”
“You don’t even know my name.” he was whispering against your lips now, “am I crazy to want you?”
“If you’re crazy, I should be locked up in a straight jacket.” Your smile is breathtaking to him, and he willingly gives you his heart at that moment, followed by his lips. Over and over again, his lips meet yours every kiss birthing a new star in the galaxies behind his eyes. Every map has led to you, every star guided him here. The deepest depths of the ocean, the inside of a black hole, everything marvelous in this world he finds in the repetition of your lips finding his. This wasn’t smart, hell he doesn’t even know you. As your lips meld to his once more, your breath fanning over his lips, he decides that not everything has a logical explanation. Maybe, the best things were miracles, or like you said, fate. Maybe if he whispers his name onto your lips, he can claim them as his forever, because you’ve already claimed his.
His breath is starting to leave him in huffs as you toy with his hair, and he kisses you so hard that you lean back feeling his hands keep you balanced. If the music was playing you could no longer hear it, his sighs being a symphony in itself. Still, as much as you wanted to breathe him in, you needed oxygen. So, you pulled back to catch the breath that he has stolen from you. His eyes are still closed, and he chases your lips with an airy, frustrated whine. He is making your head spin, but the only place you can ground yourself is in his arms. What a predicament he had placed you in. One night and he already had you imagining a future being his partner. You go in for another kiss, the alcohol still evident on your breaths swirling together, when the door bursts open to reveal two men, one obviously drunker than the other, calling out a name. 
“SEONGHWAAA~” the shorter one sings, before falling on the shoulder of the other man. The man in your arms jumped in surprise, before groaning softly.
“Is that your name? Seonghwa. I love it. Just as pretty as you, sir.” You said softly, and you think that if someone told you that his name meant Heaven, you would believe it. He smiles softly, before turning to the man who shouted, seemingly annoyed. 
“San. I’m busy. Mingi can’t you-” 
“Nope, Hongjoong just called and he is pissed. Something about a case you should be working on with him.” The taller man states, slightly struggling with the affectionate man trying to hug him and Seonghwa at the same time.
“Holy shit! I forgot about that completely!” 
“You better haul ass!” The taller man, Mingi you gather, walks up and starts to pull him down the stairs, “Watching San alone has been hard enough I don’t need Hongjoong on my ass too!”
“Wait I-” Seonghwa looks toward you desperately, searching for something, anything to tell you where to find him, or contact him at least. He sees you reach toward him, something like sadness and panic in your eyes before the door closes. He feels something inside him break, as he is pulled into the crowd and away from your sight. 
You’re there again the next night, and the next, leaving Michael every night despite his complaints and heading straight for the roof of the building where the same beautiful cityscape lays itself bare in front of you. Despite that, tonight you can’t rest, your eyes darting from your phone, back to the door, and then to the sky above. Tonight is the third night in a row you’ve come back since you met him.
“It would be so much prettier if I was with you… Seonghwa…” You feel like a fool, letting his name fall off your lips like morning dew off of a leaf. He probably isn’t even thinking of you anymore, but there is something that denies that burning within you. Sure, you two had made out, but it was more than the heat of the moment. It wasn’t just lust. You had never been so consumed entirely by anyone, especially in just one night. You could only think of his name, his smile.  
“I’m being so irrational, always following my heart places I know I shouldn’t go,” you gripped the edge of the wall you lean against, tears brimming in your eyes, “fuck. Fuck I hate this. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I wish I’d never-” 
You trail off feeling that you’ve said enough, not wanting to let the next thought finish. You knew you were being impulsive, saying things that you didn’t mean. But you thought, you swore that he would come back for you.
‘It’s the third night. That tall guy… Mingi was it? Said he had a case to work on. Maybe he is just busy…’ you were trying to reason with yourself, to justify your behavior. You’d never been this needy with any of your partners. It had been days though, and with every day your faith waned and waned. You sighed, wiping your eyes carefully so as not to let Michael know you had been crying over a man you danced with once. You checked your phone, reading that it was 12:03am, and you groaned loudly at the thought of leaving in order to be awake for work the very same morning. Another night was coming to a close without him seeking you out, another night of you feeling like a fool. 
You open the door, weaving through the crowd to find Michael at the bar chatting up a couple that looked mildly enamored with him; you pull him by his scruff and drag his tipsy self out of the club. Ignoring his complaints as you escorted him to the car, you get into the driver’s seat with a little more attitude than you had intended. 
“Me being drunk just cannooot be making you this angry babe.” He whines, leaning over to try and hug you, a drunken smile on his face.
“Sit your ass back, we’re going home.” you sound more upset than playful, and he pouts like a hurt puppy, groaning about how mean you were being to him. 
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out so harshly.”
“It’s cool… he didn’t come again?” Silence freezes the air, the car becoming too stifling and making you shift uncomfortably, “That asshole.” You sigh softly at his statement before starting the car, pausing to look around just one more time, before pulling off. 
“Let’s come again tomorrow.”
“...”
“Maybe you’ll see that cute couple again, hm?” He turns away from you, upset at your persistence to get your heart broken, and all you can do is ache, knowing just how right he might be.
His friend was late.
He is going to search for, possibly, probably, the love of his entire life. And his friend had the audacity to be late.
“Yo, I apologized already, you know my boss likes to hold me up after work,” Hongjoong whines, poking a very angry Seonghwa on his arm. 
“Your boss is my boss Joong, we work together.” 
“Seonghwa~”
“...”
“Seonghwa~”
“Christ, Hongjoong what is it?” the older male snaps, pulling into the parking space that miraculously appears outside of the club. 
‘Didn’t even have to search. Maybe luck… or whatever is on my side tonight,’ he thinks. some relief flooding over him.
“Are we really clubbing tonight because of that person you met on the roof literal days ago? Have you always been this soft Park Seonghwa?” 
“Shut up,” Seonghwa sneers from the driver’s seat, and Hongjoong responds with a wounded swoon, “So damn dramatic.”
“But seriously Hwa, be so deadass with me right now. Was I right?” Hongjoong turned to look at his closest friend. Sure Seonghwa had a tendency to fall for people and fall hard at that, but he had never seen the man so desperate about it. Seonghwa had pestered him for 2 days about coming to this club with him to search for ‘the soulmate he met on the roof’. Tonight, on the third night Seonghwa decided to beg for Hongjoong’s company, they finally had a break from reading case files; so here he was, dragged to the club on his only night off in weeks. All for a person Seonghwa had met here four days ago.
“Just this once. Deal?” Hongjoong groaned in response slumping out of the car and slamming the door. Seonghwa waited inside the car for a response, and smiled giddily when Hongjoong told him to, ‘’move his lovesick ass.”
By the time Seonghwa made it to the stairs, Hongjoong had already gotten caught up by the promise of free shots at the bar. Hauling ass up the stairs, he basically bursts onto the roof, breaths leaving him and short huffs. He ignored the city lights as he turned frantically, looking only for you. 
His breath hitched when he found you weren’t there, and he tried his best not to let himself cry yet. Of course you weren’t, it was one night days ago. He slumped against the wall, head in his hands as he uttered a chorus of “no”s. He feels as if his heart is spilling onto the pavement, the image of you, the sound of your voice, invading his senses. He just had to wait, after all the night was young for clubbers. He walked to the balcony, turning away from the city and facing the door. All he had to do was wait for you here, and he begged the universe, god, or anyone listening to meet you again tonight. Every second passing had him losing even more hope, the minutes he had been up there for seeming like hours. He stops to check the time, and his watch reads 12:15am.  
“Weeks, friend. It’s been weeks since you met him on the roof.” Michael sat on the edge of your desk trying to talk some sense into you as you scoured the internet for a trace of the man you met. 
“You just don’t get it, Michael. I don’t even get it, I-” you sighed, negative emotions flooding you as you remember what he said. 
‘Little to none.’ 
“C’mon, it was one night. You’ve never been this romantic with anyone before. Is he really important enough for this?” He gestures to your room, shiny clothing scattered on the ground from going to the club every night and waiting on the roof, watching with each passing day how the starry city lights stretch farther and farther away. You sigh, a sob wracking through your frame, and Michael wraps his arm around you squeezing you tightly. He has never seen you like this, not even with the people you’ve dated. To be frank, it pisses him off that this ‘Seonghwa’ person didn’t seem to be searching for you, evident by your recent roof escapades. 
“I know, it’s stupid. It’s insane, and maybe he doesn’t even remember me. Maybe I should be going to work instead of sitting in a beautiful outfit all by myself. But that wasn’t a regular makeout session and dip,” you bury yourself in Michael’s shoulder as the night replays over and over in your head, infinitely many times, “I’m telling you, if I don’t find him, I’ll never have anything like that again.”
Michael sighs before sitting up with a groan, “One more fucking night. That’s it. After tonight you pick up at work regularly again, you get your ass together, and you can cry with me and the gang after work every day, ‘cause life sucks and so does love. Just one more chance, and you move on. Deal?”
You sniff, the thought of giving up killing you, despite you knowing he was right.
“Deal.”
Seonghwa hasn’t been doing any better. As much as Hongjoong likes to work, this was too much. Seonghwa has been reading casefiles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When he wasn’t slaving over files, he was frantically cleaning the apartment they shared. Hongjoong had seen Seonghwa at his worst, mere child’s play compared to… this.
“If you don’t eat you’ll literally keel over and fucking die. I’m not cleaning piss and blood out of the carpet because you refuse to replenish your calories Hwa.”
“Later, gotta finish this file. Then clean the office.”  Seonghwa’s eyes carried heavy bags under them as his leg bounced under the table. Even Hongjoong noticed the light in his eyes seemed to be diminished. As much as he cared for his friend, this behavior was frustrating him to no end. 
“How about, you get your ass up, eat, sleep, and do normal human being things, huh?”
“Disrespectful.”
“Pathetic, depressing, sleep-deprived, and overworked.” Despite the annoyance Seonghwa felt towards Hongjoong, he knows he is right. Seonghwa had thrown himself into busy work since that night two weeks back, and everyone in the office had noticed. He had waited till the bar workers had told him they were closing and would have waited even longer if he could. It tore him up inside, keeping him awake on the nights when he hadn’t worked himself to exhaustion. He had given into the hopelessness, after all, what were the chances of him meeting you again anyway?
“If I stop, I think about them Hongjoong. I’ve never hurt like this before, it’s debilitating. I’m terrified.”
“Of what?”
“That they were the love of my life. That I should have gotten there sooner or waited for them longer. I’m terrified of how emotional I am over a person I probably would have never met otherwise.”
“Then look for them, instead of killing yourself with work,” Hongjoong’s hand was soft on Seonghwa’s back, “Go back, just one more night. You’ve only tried once, who knows what could happen?”
“It’s useless, what are the chances? What if they don’t even feel the same? What if it was all a fling, and I am the idiot who fell in love with a stranger? I couldn’t take that.”
“You can’t take this either, you can’t keep living with what-ifs. They could be looking for you right now, you could be sitting here working your life away and losing them little by little. There’s no harm in trying.” Hongjoong had his hand wrapped around Seonghwa’s waist in a side hug as Seonghwa finally broke down and cried since the last time he came home from the club. 
“Just one more try,” Hongjoong cooed, leading Seonghwa to his room and telling him to get dressed up, helping to style him appropriately, “you’ve got a soulmate to find after all.”
The club pulls you in for the nth time in the past few weeks, yet nothing could work to fill the hole inside your stomach. Knotting your hands together, you think of what will probably come to pass tonight, just like all the others. Another night with no one but the city to keep you company, ascending the stairs with hope, and descending them with nothing but heartbreak. You were a fool, a fool to have come up those stairs, a fool to have fallen in love with a ghost. A percentage. You fell in love with chance, and now you were dealing with the consequences of you losing. Infinitely many people, in infinitely many places, and none of them containing you and him together. You sighed, tears manifesting again with no regard for your makeup, and you head up the stairs for the last time before you try to move on. The night air is a chill rush when you open the door, and you angle your head down to protect your eyes from the wind.
“Damn… what a roof,” The voice is familiar, strained, and shaky, but warm nonetheless. You jolt out of your stance, immediately looking up to see him. You are met with the face of the man you learned to love in one night. One glance and it feels as if your heart has learned to beat again. You breathe him in, and you are alive. His face is alight with joy and shock. He rushes to you first, holding you to him without hesitation, his heart roaring out loudly against your ear. Your lips meet and there you are again, cuddled up in the sheets of his being, relishing in the bliss of his galaxies. He is insatiable, and his lips find their way to yours over and over and over again, his heart exploding with love for only you. You are a book he wants to read from cover to cover, over and over again until the world ends. He is the tinder and you are the spark, both needing each other to create light. 
His lips trail past yours and slide down your jaw as you sigh out, before quietly whispering your name in his ear. It drips from his mouth, and every utter of it is a big bang, universes being created and recreated over and over again between you. What use were the stars when saying your name created life in him, what use were elements when your being contained the answer to the unknown? Your name became his mantra as he pulled you closer, lips burning a course from your neck to your jaw and back. Everything he could never explain lay in that name, it was a prayer, a show of gratitude, proof of his guilt and sorrow. 
“Seonghwa.” When he hears his name fall from your lips, broken and needy; he weeps. His head falls to your shoulder, arms refusing to let you go. The universe and the divine reunite when he kisses your lips again. 
“I want to drown in you for the rest of time.” he sighs as his lips ghost just under your ear.
“I wouldn’t let you drown, love.” His knees buckle at the term of endearment; nothing can prepare him for the things you say and do, but he had all the time in the world to figure out a way to respond.
“I love you, I love you,” it falls from his mouth with ease, and he repeats it with every caress of his lips against your skin. “Say that I’m yours.” he pleads with you, his hands grabbing at your waist in desperation, his thrumb roving over your outfit eager to feel the skin underneath. 
“Your mine, from now to the end of time.” 
This time when he kisses you, he whispers his name on your lips and claims them as his, making sure no one else can ever have them, and he relishes in the way you do the same. He bathes in the feeling of being the one who gets to say he loves you. Still, he asks one more question, wanting to make the impermanent permanent. 
“Be my only one?”
62 notes · View notes
boohoolou · 1 year
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Lous' Lavish List: All The K-Dramas I have Watched In Order Of Sadness (Update #3)
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Mr. Sunshine: Would Not Wish The Pain I Felt Watching This On Anyone But Would Absolutely Watch Again/10
Chicago Typewriter: Cry Myself To Sleep Thinking About It/10
Goblin: She's The Queen Of The K-Dramas (Traumas) For A Reason
Third Charm: Developed Trust Issues Because Of This/10
Uncontrollably Fond: Why Bother Loving, Living and Laughing If All I Feel Is Pain/10
Navillera: I Was Foolish To This It Would Be A Cute Ballet Drama/10
Hymn Of Death: Based On A True Story? More Like Rip My Heart Out And Stamp On It/10
Squid Game: The Unjustice Games Because They Deserved BETTER/10
D.P: Jung Hae-In Breaking Down Feels Like Rain Of Daggers/10
Snowdrop: Made Me Believe In Love Again And Then Killed My Heart/10
Twenty-Five, Twenty One: I Was There For The Vibes, Left With A Hollow Heart/10
It's Okay Not To Be Okay: Absolutely Extraordinary Characters/10
Tomorrow: Tasteful Heart Wrench/10
Extracurricular: Takes The Throne Of They Deserved Better Trope/10
The Sound Of Magic: Justice For My Babies/10
All Of Us Are Dead: I Want To Be Dead After Watching This/10
Sweet Home: I would Sacrifice Myself For Most Characters (Human Or Not)/10
Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha: Beautiful And Intense At Times/10
Crash Landing On You: Why Do Borders Exist/10
Hellbound: Confusion Overload But Heartbreaking Nonetheless/10
My Name: The Perfect Man, Indeed, Does Not Exist (Anymore)/10
Youth Of May: Kind Of Expected More Damage/10
Itaewon Class: Screaming My Lungs Out With Saeroyi/10
Are You Human?: Never Imagined Falling In Love With A Robot/10
Reply 1988: Nostalgia For A Place & A Time I Was Never Part Of/10
Descendants Of The Sun: Not As Sad As I Expected/10
Memories Of The Alhambra: Set In My Home Countries WooHoo/10
Hospital Playlist: Not Quite Grey's Anatomy, More Wholesome, But A Tearjerker Sometimes/10
Hwarang: The Poet Warrior Youth: Funny Until It's Not (Painful)/10
My First First Love: Second Lead Syndrome Going Strong/10
Hotel Del Luna: Expecting The Ending Doesn't Help With The Grief/10
Hello My Twenties/Age Of Youth: Wholesome Friendship=Drama Of A Lifetime/10
Nevertheless: More Frisky Than Sad/10
Love Alarm: We Don't Talk About Season/10
Abyss: Cute, Intense, Unsad/10
Cheese In The Trap: Funny, But Second Lead Syndrome Hits Hard/10
Strong Girl Bong Soon: The Perfect Drama/10
Bad And Crazy: Insane Hottness And The Perfect BRomance
Our Beloved Summer: The Ultimate Vibes/10
Suits: Unserious, Quite Boring, Ninette Is The Star/10
One Spring Night: There For The Single Dad/10
Chocolate: Only Watched For The Cooking/10
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arewedoneyet · 8 months
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Check out my story from "Here's to the Dreamers" campaign and Jeff Satur's Essentials Playlist on AppleMusic!
Playlist Link: https://music.apple.com/playlist/jeff-satur-essentials/ pl.7722c40a507a4309676225594450075
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via jeffsaturthailandofficial @ facebook | 04082024
Disruptors, change-makers and boundary-pushers excite us with their diverse perspectives on art and life. Jeff Satur is one trailblazing storyteller whose unique story fascinates and inspires. Since picking up the guitar at the age of nine, the Bangkok-born singer-songwriter, producer and actor has lent his soulful voice to gorgeous ballads whose joy and heartbreak resonate with listeners—assisted by a consummate musicality that draws on a rich, varied vein of experience. Below, Satur shares with Apple Music some insights into his career as an artist from Southeast Asia on the world stage.
What challenges have you faced while pursuing a career in music?
“I think music is the only thing that can bring people together as one unit, creating a shared energy that inspires happiness and a sense of release in their lives. It’s almost like a form of medicine, unlike anything else in the world. Music helps you through difficult times and can alleviate sadness, especially when experiencing live concerts. For me, writing music is a chance to fulfil my purpose, as if I was born to do it—and it places me in the right environment. I have also learned that there is no definitive ‘right’ choice when it comes to music. You won’t know if it’s the best choice until you genuinely enjoy it. It’s like a challenge to stay dedicated and not drift away from your passion. So you just keep going for it.”
Can you share a moment when you felt like giving up on your dreams and what ultimately motivated you to keep going?
“I remember getting older, around 25 years old, and experiencing a wrong feeling that led me to consider quitting music due to the pressures of growing up. I had to get a job to earn money, and at that point, I didn’t believe that releasing a song would improve anything. Live shows and concerts had come to a halt, but despite those challenges, I remained determined to focus on my music. It was my primary source of motivation. I pushed myself to continue, even if the results weren’t perfect. To keep my inspiration alive, I attended movies and concerts, seeking more motivation to write—and seizing any opportunity that came my way.”
As a Southeast Asian artist, what unique cultural influences do you incorporate into your music?
“For me, there are no boundaries when it comes to creating music. In my song ‘Dum Dum’, I use traditional instruments that resonate with my identity and feel authentic. These instruments evoke the sounds I remember from my childhood, tapping into instincts that seem inherent, like an innate drawing that you’ve had since birth. Incorporating these instruments into my music is a way of expressing what I truly desire and wish to explore.”
Have you faced any specific challenges or opportunities as a Southeast Asian artist in the global music scene?
“I used to follow a certain pattern but I’ve learned how to distinguish myself from others because everyone’s style is unique. Why is it different? It’s because I’ve learned from series I’ve watched, songs I’ve been into, and books I’ve read. I try to be as authentic to myself as possible because I believe I’ve already internalised those influences and now want to share my true self with others without fearing judgment.”
Can you share any advice or encouragement for aspiring artists who may face similar challenges?
“As an artist in the global music scene, it’s crucial to leverage your unique background to set yourself apart. There are no boundaries between languages or challenges I’ve faced so far. While Thai may not be as familiar to many when writing music, I remain true to myself. I’ve explored both Western and Asian music and they have intermingled within me, allowing me to create something original that resonates with people—and the melodies flow naturally. The impact these melodies have on people is what inspires me even more.
“To reach a broader global audience, I enjoy surprising myself—for instance, by releasing two versions of my songs. This continuous effort breaks down the boundaries, making them thinner and thinner. My advice? The world’s market is expanding and there’s a lot to discover in Asian music. I immerse myself in Thai music and music from other countries, drawing inspiration and making the music my own. It’s essential to ensure it sounds authentic to myself, as differentiation from others is vital. In the past, I used to fear my music wasn’t good enough, so I didn’t write or produce my own songs. However, I realised the importance of being myself and changed my attitude towards my career, writing my music and embracing my true identity.”
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aftaylorglow · 6 months
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stay where you are
i feel like i'm pretty late to the closer hype, but here i am anyway.
when indigo came out and everyone was talking about how much they loved closer, i was just "eh." i thought it was a good song, but it wasn't my favorite from the get go. i love the sound of mono so naturally, i gravitated toward the slower songs on indigo.
but as i was listening to one of my playlists earlier tonight, closer came up on shuffle so i paused and just took it all in.
my god, what a song.
i'm sorry for being late namjoon! but this is truly an excellent song.
I get a feelin’ sometimes That I can’t get close enough to you I feel it most in the nighttime Even though that’s when I’m closest to you If I could be under your skin Closer than we’ve ever been We’d be closer than we’ve ever been
i think the universal interpretation for this song is that of intense yearning. how else would you describe wanting to be so close to another person you want to be under their skin.
but i think it's especially intense and heartbreaking because the lyrics point to the kind of yearning that's not reciprocated.
first, let's take the phrase "under your skin." [getting] under someone's skin is a popular idiom that means deliberately upsetting someone. this doesn't seem to be what namjoon intended for the song, especially since he's talking about being under someone's skin, not getting there.
still, it's interesting to think about the idiom because the subject of the song seems like someone who's drifting away.
I feel it most in the nighttime Me never on your timeline See you always in the limelight Keep me rollin’ in the deep Not a tease, no joke, I do mean it Don’t cease, baby don’t, why you floatin’? Wanna lock you up in my sight But you run away like fish, yeah
he is never on the subject's timeline. the subject is floating away—from him. so what does he do to get the person to look at him again? he ignites something in them. and sometimes, when people are desperate to be seen, they don't care what feelings they spark in another person. so if you think of namjoon saying he wants to get under the subject's skin, he's deliberately angering them so at least their attention turns back on him.
again, i don't think this is what he's saying in the song (it's pretty clear he meant so close he's inside someone), but i wanted to explore this tangent!
I keep you right next to me Only just in my dream I see you in red, blue, green Don’t wake me up from sleep I think I’m losin’ my grip Everything off the beam Why you showed up in my life Like this so sudden, oh god no
"i keep you right next to me, only just in my dream" evokes an especially acute kind of ache. in dreams, anything can happen—if he's not with this person anymore in real life, he could still be with them in dreams.
dreaming is doubly enticing to him because he sees the person in "red, blue, green." RGB is the color model primarily used to display pictures on screen. his dreams are vivid, realistic.
but the thing about dreams is that they're just that: dreams. they are fleeting, they are going to end. when you wake up from them, your reality doesn't change.
for dreams to be his last resort to keep this person beside him...my heart clenches painfully thinking about it.
Promised myself never again But you got me doing the same thing all over again
i love paul blanco's verse because it's a perfect complement to joon's verses and mahalia's chorus.
the singer wants to stop hurting. he's starting to learn his lesson. but one word from the subject and he comes running back. his pride is shot because he's at their beck and call. even after he's told himself never to put himself through the cycle of being used again, he's weak against them.
If love ain’t for us 이걸로 만족할게 (I will be satisfied with this) I don’t need your touch 너의 사랑이면 돼 (As long as it’s your love)
Trans cr; Annie @ bts-trans
like, just look at him. he's pathetic. he's satisfied with not getting the kind of love he craves, only the pitiful, bare bones resemblance of love that the subject deigns to give him.
(added commentary after rewatching the indigo live: joon literally said this song is pathetic, as in it's about a love/person you can't catch no matter what. which aligns with my interpretation so im pleased)
If this is all we can do Yeah just lookin’ at you There’s gon’ be no take two Stay where you are
let me just talk about how much i love the transition between paul's and joon's line. the gradual increase in the music's volume and joon coming in with "if this is all we can do" is so pleasing to my ears. a+ production from honne.
and i think it's how the music in this part sounds that makes the lyrics feel a hundred percent more impactful. it sounds as desperate as namjoon is, pleading for this person to stay where they are.
it's interesting to see this part as him begging in his dreams. in his earlier verse, he wants to keep the subject next to him through his vivid dreams. and in the outro, he keeps repeating "stay where you are" like he knows the person can't. because he's gonna wake up eventually and he will have to face the reality that this person has drifted away.
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fritextramole · 3 days
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a hidden gem, my own goldmine
part 1 of a Vanessa Abrams playlist - best heard in order
tracklist and quotes under the cut
The Revolution Will Not Be Televised ~ Gil Scott-Heron
The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal The revolution will not get rid of the nubs The revolution will not make you look five pounds thinner Because the revolution will not be televised, brother
Chain Gang ~ Sam Cooke
Can't you hear them singing I'm going home one of these days
The Rebel Girl ~ Hazel Dickens
There are blue blood queens and princesses Who have charms made of diamonds and pearl But the only and thoroughbred lady Is the Rebel Girl
The Mesopotamians ~ They Might Be Giants
In Mesopotamia (No one's ever seen us) The kingdom where we secretly reign (And no one's ever heard of our band) The land where we invisibly rule As the Mesopotamians
Myriad Harbour ~ The New Pornographers
(Ah, who cares, you always end up in the city) Stranded at Bleecker and Broadway Looking for something to do
Which Side Are You On? ~ Work O’ The Weavers
Which side are you on, boys? Which side are you on?
Thus Always To Tyrants ~ The Oh Hellos
Over hill, over dale, through the valley and vale Do not weep, do not wail, I am coming home to you Every tomb, every sea, spit the bones from your teeth Let the ransomed be free as the revel meets the day Let the valleys awake, let them rattle and shake
Twenty Five Miles ~ Edwin Starr
Now I'll be so glad to see my baby And hold her in my arms one more time, huh Now when I kiss her lips, I turn a back over flip And I forget about these feet of mine I got to keep on walking, hey
THE FRIEND SPACE ~ Ryan Woods
I really hope I don’t throw it away But you couldn’t imagine the way I feel And now I can’t see why You wouldn’t wanna be my baby I got all you need
Comin’ Down ~ Jackie Shane
What's wrong with me? I said it's a simple fact I don't believe you're ever comin' back
Even The Losers ~ Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Well, it was nearly summer we sat on your roof Yeah, we smoked cigarettes and we stared at the moon And I showed you stars you never could see Babe, it couldn't have been that easy to forget about me
Sylvias Mother ~ The Refreshments
Sylvia's mother says Sylvia's packin' She's gonna be leavin' today Sylvia's mother says Sylvia is marrying A fella down Galveston way
Hot & Heavy ~ Lucy Dacus
When I went away it was the only option Couldn't trust myself to proceed with caution The most that I could give to you is nothing at all The best that I could offer was to miss your calls
I Can’t Stand the Rain ~ Ann Peebles
I know you got some sweet memory But like the wind, ah, you ain't got nothing to say
Radio, Radio ~ Elvis Costello & The Attractions
They say you better listen to the voice of reason But they don't give you any choice 'cause they think that it's treason So you had better do as you are told You better listen to the radio I wanna bite the hand that feeds me
Stairway to Heaven ~ Led Zeppelin
There's a lady who's sure All that glitters is gold And she's buying a stairway to heaven When she gets there she knows If the stores are all closed With a word she can get what she came for
Solidarity Forever ~ Pete Seeger, The Song Swappers
We can break their haughty power, gain our freedom when we learn That the union makes us strong
American Idiot ~ Green Day
Welcome to a new kind of tension All across the alien nation Where everything isn't meant to be okay In television dreams of tomorrow
9 to 5 ~ Dolly Parton
There's a better life And you think about it, don't you? It's a rich man's game No matter what they call it And you spend your life Putting money in his wallet
Stop! In The Name Of Love ~ The Supremes
I watch you walk down the street Knowing your other love you'll meet But this time before you run to her Leaving me alone and hurt (Think it over) After I've been good to you
5AM ~ Amber Run
We run into a dark room And we spasm to the sounds Of a copy of Morrissey Or the blues of the Deep South
Val Kilmer ~ Bowling For Soup
So when you walk down that red carpet I hope you trip and fall I hope someone squirts you with a water gun A super soaker filled with pee
There’s A Ghost In My House ~ R. Dean Taylor
I can't hide (Ghost in my house) From the ghost of your love that's inside You're still such a part of me (Ghost in my house) Still so deep in the heart of me (Ghost in my house)
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allwaswell16 · 7 months
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Thanks for the tag @haztobegood <3 Above is the last pic I took...a pic of Catty the other day as I was trying to take the sheets off the bed to wash.
Last song: Why Can't We Be Friends? by The Academic. It's on my Louie Summer playlist, and it came on as I was driving last night right before I got home.
Currently Reading: Obvs always fic. But for books I've been reading Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver. And last night one of my friends gave me the book The Secret Book of Flora Lea by Patti Callahan Henry to read. So that'll probably be next.
Currently watching: Heartbreaker Season 2. I've been watching one episode per day in order to ration the dopamine. And I've been watching the last season of Better Call Saul with my husband. Which means we watch one episode per week. We're like whatever the opposite of binge watchers are.
Next watching: Probably Only Murders in the Building. I fondly remember watching the first two seasons while I cross stitched Christmas presents last year. Should probably get a head start on those for this year...
Current obsessions: same one as the last 9 years...Louis. But we all know that already. OH, I am obsessed with listening to podcasts. I listen to a ton of them, but I've been binging Smartless which is so fucking hilarious that I find myself bursting out into laughter all the time while listening to it. If you listen, do yourself a favor and start at the beginning so you can be in on all the inside jokes. Also obsessed with documentaries. I could watch a documentary on just about anything. There's something about the way documentaries do a deep dive into things that I almost always find interesting.
I'll tag: @kingsofeverything @magicalrocketships @fallinglikethis @beelou @reminiscingintherain @laynefaire and anyone else who wants to answer these!
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27dragons · 7 months
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9 People You’d Like To Get To Know Better
I was tagged by @weethreequarter, who for some reason I can't properly tag back. Though while I was trying to figure out why, I discovered that somehow tumblr had randomly un-followed them for me (so helpful, tumblr is!) so I'm glad to have fixed that!
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Last song: I mostly only listen to music in the car, so according to my playlist randomizer, the last thing I was listening to was "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" by the Eurythmics.
Favorite color: It's hard to say. Blue was my favorite color for a long time, but it was red for a while, too, and I'm super fond of, like, peacock blue-green and rich purples. Mostly I just really like jewel tones.
Currently watching: Not really anything at the moment. I finally got around to watching Staged (just S1) but I binged that all in one night; before that I'd seen S2 of Good Omens (and am still processing the heartbreak) and the second half of S3 of Witcher.
Last movie: In the theater? It was either Across the Spider-Verse or Honor Among Thieves (the D&D movie); I can't remember which order I saw them in. On my laptop, @monobuu and I co-watched No Reservations because she had an AU idea.
Currently reading: Fanfics, pretty much entirely. I've been poking back through my older bookmarked fics and re-reading them, and keeping up with new/ongoing fics as they hit my notifications.
Sweet/spicy/savory: I'm a massive wimp when it comes to spicy things, though I like a little bit of spicy from time to time. And my sweet tooth has been forcibly dialed back over the last year or so because sugar is one of the primary triggers for my heartburn, which is not just unpleasant but super painful when it hits my stomach ulcer. (But I still really like sweet things, I just hit the "okay I've had enough now" limit a lot sooner than I used to.) And savory is nice, too. Look, I just really like food.
Relationship status: divorced, officially 10 years next month, actually. I sort of wouldn't mind dating but I don't want to put any actual work into finding someone to date. Anyone want to be my extremely low-effort long-distance significant other? 😂
Current obsession: Good Omens is currently front and center, but it's not like I've stopped obsessing about my favorite ships in other fandoms (Dreamling, Geraskier, Winteriron)
Last thing I googled: How to do a thing I was trying to do LibreOffice. Before that, looking up whether some minor health issues I'm currently having might be related to oncoming menopause.
Currently working on: Teaching myself some bookbinding, and a cross-stitch project. I have several writing projects open in their tabs, but every time I look at them, my brain says, "....nah, not feeling it."
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I never know who to tag in these things. I love reading them, though, even if they're not a mutual or anyone I've ever interacted with. It's so fun, seeing little slices of other lives from all over the planet. So if you've read this, please consider yourself tagged!
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