#my inability to set 1 boundary in my life is really gonna be the death of me

[tstarkapologist]

i would fight your demons for you

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not particularly.” Peter wasn’t supposed to have seen that footage and there was no easy way to tell someone that you had watched them almost die.

“Will you tell me anyway?”

Peter huffed. “You’re not gonna like it.”

“Do I ever?” Fair enough, Tony hated whenever he was upset.

--

or 5 times Peter needs comfort after a nightmare and the 1 time he’s the one doing the comforting.

--

Peter Parker & Tony Stark

4.8k - T - No warnings apply - written for @irondadbingo prompt: Nightmare

Read on AO3 -- Bingo Master List

i. Vulture

“Boss, Peter appears to be in distress.”

Tony was out of his seat in an instant. “What’s going on, FRI?” He’d brought Peter up to the compound for the weekend but he had sent the boy up to bed hours ago. There should be sugar plum fairies tangoing around that kid’s noggin right about now, not ‘distress’, whatever the hell that meant. They were superheroes, terms like ‘distress’ were too vague for their line of work.

“He is exhibiting signs of a nightmare, sir. Accelerated heart rate, rapid breathing, and thrashing in his sleep.”

The elevator doors opened on Tony’s floor but the man himself was stood frozen inside. A nightmare. Sure, Tony dealt with his own enough, but it’s not like he handled them well. How was he supposed to help with someone else's? Should he even help? It was true he and Peter had been getting closer recently, but he wasn’t the kid’s parent, he wasn’t May.

“Sir, he has started crying for help.”

Tony started running. Blood or not, he wasn’t gonna let the poor kid deal with this alone. He came skidding to a halt outside Peter’s door and took a moment to catch his breath before pushing it open.

Sure enough, inside the room he could see Peter tangled in his bed sheets, arms thrashing, trying to escape the cotton confines.

Tony hovered in the doorway, unsure of what to do, and then he heard Peter’s cry, “Please.” It was soft and broken and it shattered Tony’s heart. “Please, ’m down ‘ere.” Tony moved to kneel next to Peter’s bed. He knew he needed to wake him, but he didn’t want to startle him and risk the kid thinking Tony was trying to hurt him. He didn’t know where Peter was right now and he had a feeling that even in his sleep the boy could do some real damage. But then the kid’s cries got louder and more desperate and any thoughts about Tony’s own safety went out the window. “Down here!” Peter was practically sobbing. “Can’t move!”

Instincts that Tony didn’t even know he had took over as he reached forward to comfort the boy. One hand went to his should, shaking it gently in an attempt to wake him and the other went to the boy’s hair, working through in gentle, soothing strokes. “Shh, Peter, it’s all right. I’m here. You’re at the compound. I’m here, buddy.” Tony wasn’t sure where the words were coming from, but he was grateful that his body seemed to know what to do on its own because he was at a loss.

The boy in front of him gasped and his eyes flew open. “Whoa, hey bud. It’s me. It’s me, Peter, it’s Tony. You’re at the compound, kiddo, you’re safe.”

“T-Tony?” Peter’s eyes looked frantic as they found his. “Mr. Stark?” Peter looked disoriented as he moved to sit up, so Tony helped him with one hand on his back and the other fixing the boy’s pillows.

“Yeah, kid. In the flesh.” He removed his hands from Peter to stand but the whimper that escaped the teen at the loss of contact had him sitting right back down on the edge of the bed. “Hey, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” He placed a hand on the kid’s leg in what he hoped was gentle reassurance. “What happened, bud? Where were you?”

Peter started picking at his sheets in between frantically wiping away tears. His whole posture, mixed with the fact that he refused to look at Tony screamed ‘shame’, and Tony wasn’t about to have that. “It’s okay, Pete. You can tell me, no matter how small you think it is. This is a judgment-free zone.”

“It,” Peter sniffled, “Uh, it was the Vulture.”

Tony’s brow furrowed. “That asshole with the wings?” Peter nodded his head in response - at least it was a start. “He crashed a plane with you on it, that’s gotta be pretty terrifying. That would give most people nightmares.”

Peter’s tears reduced to sniffles as he replied, “Yeah, that.”

Something about the way the kid spoke didn’t sit right with Tony though. He narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure, bud?” He used his free hand to brush Peter’s curls out of his face. They really were wild when they weren’t glued down. “I won't know how to help if I don’t know what I’m helping.”

Peter looked at him shyly through his lashes, “It’s okay, Mr. Stark, it’s-”

“I swear if you say ‘no big deal’ I’m revoking ice cream privileges.” Maybe it was a risky move to try and joke right now, but the tension in the air was suffocating and let’s be real, banter was Tony’s strong suit.

It paid off when the kid chuckled; it was soft and unsure, but he counted it as a win. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Tony smiled. “Try me, kid.”

Peter sighed and dropped his eyes as his hands made themselves busy again. “He dropped a building on me.”

Tony blinked in shock. “I’m sorry, I think my brain just short-circuited, what did you just say?”

“I confronted him in this warehouse and he had his wings attack all the support structures,” Peter shrugged. “I didn’t realize what was happening until the roof was already caving in.”

It took all of Tony’s great care and concentration to not squeeze the kid's leg to a pulp as he tried to process that information. “I am - God, I am so sorry, Peter.”

The boy shrugged again, “Worse things have happened.”

Tony looked at the boy and he had to take a moment to realize that yeah, this kid may only be fifteen, but having a building dropped on him probably only ranked in about the top 5 worst things that have happened to him so far in life. He nodded slowly, “Yeah, they have. But that doesn’t mean this bad thing wasn’t bad.”

“I guess.” Peter still sounded unsure though.

“Why didn’t you tell me, kid? I’m not upset or anything,” Not with Peter at least. “But shit, Peter, I can’t protect you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“I guess right after it happened I was so happy that I’d caught him and was so caught up with the plane thing that I didn’t think to mention it. And then…” Peter trailed off and Tony could see his eyes starting to water again. He didn’t want to push the kid too much but he knew first hand what a bad idea it was to keep these things bottled up.

“And then?”

“And then the nightmares started and it had been long enough since it happened that bringing it up felt weird.” Peter’s eyes found his, but they darted away as he mumbled, “I didn’t really want you to know I had nightmares.”

Tony sighed, wishing he could take this burden from the boy. “Kid, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I have nightmares all the time. I’m pretty sure all the Avengers do.”

Peter looked like he didn’t believe him. “Really?”

“It comes with the territory, unfortunately. No one is supposed to see the stuff we see, deal with the stuff we deal with. It takes its toll on all of us. Honestly, it would probably be weirder if you didn’t have nightmares.”

Peter laughed at that, “Yeah, sure.”

“I’m serious! This is the most normal thing about you, you little mutant.” Tony took the opportunity to ruffle Peter’s hair.

“Hey!” Peter tried to act offended, but Tony could see some of the light return to his eyes.

Tony smiled, “Really though, Pete, thank you for telling me. And in the future, how about you come to me when traumatizing shit happens?”

“Alright, fair enough.” Peter laughed and then his brow furrowed as he seemed to come to a realization. “Wait, how did you even know I was having a nightmare?”

“FRIDAY alerted me.” Tony pointed at the ceiling.

“You have an alert set up for when I’m having a nightmare?” Peter sounded mortified at the idea.

“Well no, I have an alert set up for when you need help in general. It’s mostly there for Spidey purposes, but I guess FRIDAY thought this was applicable. And I have to say, I’m glad she did.”

Peter only hummed in response and Tony wasn’t sure what that meant. Had he just overstepped a boundary he didn’t even know was there? “Is that okay? I can have her stop if it’s weird.”

“No!” Peter reached out to stop Tony’s retreating hand, his eyes wide. Tony was quick to replace his hand on the boy’s leg, working his thumb back and forth soothingly as Peter turned bashful, a blush rising on his cheeks. “Um, no, that’s fine. Good, yeah.”

“Yeah.” Tony smiled softly. “Do you think you can go back to sleep? It’s only 1 a.m., you probably need more sleep than that.” Not that Tony was in any place to judge.

Peter nodded and cleared his throat, “Yeah, I’ll just watch some YouTube to distract me until I fall asleep again.”

Tony nodded back. That was probably his cue to leave. Peter was a big boy, he could handle himself from here. It would probably be weird if he stayed. Actually, it would definitely be weird if he stayed. He shouldn’t stay. “Alright, scoot over.” Who was he kidding, he was staying.

“What?” Peter’s voice did that high squeaky thing that happened when he was caught off guard.

“Move your butt, I’m getting comfortable, I’m too old to sleep sitting up.”

“Wha-?” God, this kid and his inability to accept help were going to be the death of him. “It’s okay, Mr. Stark, you don’t have to stay, I get it-” Peter’s protests were weakened by the fact that as he made them he was moving over to make room for Tony.

Tony leaned back against the headboard and shot Peter his best ‘shut up’ look. “Kid, it’s 1 a.m. what else should I possibly be doing right now?”

“Um, sleeping?” But there was no confidence in the kid’s voice and any nerves Tony might have had about staying were put to rest when Peter curled into his side.

“Yeah, I’m trying, but you won't stop your yammering. Shut up and play your stupid meme videos.”

If you had asked Tony a year ago if he would ever find himself in bed at 1 a.m. watching videos with a level of humor that he did not understand, comforting a kid, whom he was growing to look at as his own, after a nightmare, he would have called you crazy. But Tony from a year ago hadn’t met Peter Parker. And present-day Tony was quickly coming to realize there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for that kid.

ii. Ben

He could hear the blasters coming. His stupid watch had told on him. He should have just answered the phone and pretended to be fine. But no, he had to be stubborn, and look where it got him.

“Hey, kid.”

“Hey.” Oh right, that’s why he didn’t answer the phone: he sounded pathetic.

“Lovely night out, but I’m not sure it warrants being on the roof at 2 a.m.” Any other time he would have appreciated the banter, but not now.

“What do you want?”

“You didn’t answer your phone.” He could hear Tony making his way towards him. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Peachy. You can go now.” He didn’t want the comfort he knew was coming, he didn’t deserve it.

“Try again, bud. I’m not leaving you like this.”

Tony sat down a few feet away from him. He appreciated the space, but he’d appreciate it more if he just left him alone to wallow in peace.

“I know you know. What do you want me to say?”

“It’s the anniversary.”

“Yep.” Peter continued to stare out at the skyline, he couldn’t look at his mentor.

“What do you need, kiddo?” Tony’s voice was full of so many emotions that Peter didn’t dare name. He couldn’t handle them. Not tonight.

“A time machine would be nice.” He laughed humorlessly, chin falling to his chest where he could feel the shame rising.

“I know, bud.”

“Maybe I’d actually do something then.” The edges of his vision started to blur and his voice sounded tight even to him. “Though maybe not. Dream-me never does anything.”

“Oh, Peter.” Pity. He hated it.

“Don’t.” He felt a tear slip down his cheek.

“It’s not your fault, bud.” How did Tony sound so sure when Peter felt the opposite in his heart?

“It sure feels like it is.” The guilt coiled in his chest, wrapped around his heart, and threatened to rip out of his throat in a violent sob. It took all his energy to keep it down.

“I know, I know it feels like that.” Peter could hear the tightness in Tony’s voice. “But Pete, you were a 14-year-old kid.”

“A superpowered 14-year-old kid.”

“That doesn’t change anything. Especially when you didn’t even know what you were capable of yet.” Peter didn’t realize that Tony had been slowly inching closer until the man wrapped his arms around him, pulling the boy firmly to his chest. “No one blames you, Peter, you can’t live your life blaming yourself.”

Peter’s tears were flowing freely now, but a small chuckle escaped him. “Says the man with the world’s largest guilt complex.”

Tony gave his own small laugh, “Exactly, take it from me.” The older man let out a weary sigh and his tone became serious again. “It’s no way to live, bud. You deserve so much better.” Peter felt a kiss be pressed into his hair as Tony rocked him slow and sure. “So much better.” It was whispered so softly Peter wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear it. It caused a new set of emotions to rise in his chest.

iii. Pepper

Pepper was tired. She had been in four different countries this week and it was only Wednesday. She wanted a glass of wine, pajamas, and to curl up with her fiancé. The wine and pajamas were easy enough, but she had already checked the living room, their bedroom, and his office and she couldn’t find Tony. It wasn’t unusual for him to be wandering around at all hours of the night, but he’d been really good recently about being there when she got back from a trip. They were both usually a little attention-starved after a few days apart and a night-in had become their new post-trip routine.

Giving up, Pepper sighed and sat on the bed. “FRIDAY, where’s Tony?”

“Boss is in Mr. Parker’s room.”

Pepper knew the boy was staying at the Tower for the week, but she couldn’t think of any reason why Tony would be in his room. “At midnight?”

“Peter had a nightmare.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t been expecting that. “Is he alright?” Pepper stood. She wasn’t sure how good her maternal instincts were, but she figured she could lend a helping hand if the boy needed it.

“He appears to be calming down, Boss has gotten quite good at that.” That marked the third time in one conversation that FRIDAY had managed to shock her with an answer. Still, Pepper made her way out of her bedroom and down the hall to Peter’s. As she got closer she noticed that the door had been left open a crack as if whoever had gone in was in too much of a hurry to make sure it closed.

She could hear Tony and Peter’s hushed voices from inside the room, but she was too far away to make out what they were saying. She continued down the hall until she got to Peter’s door and peeked in. The sight that greeted her melted her heart. She leaned against the door jam and watched as Tony sat on Peter’s bedside, running a gentle hand through the boy’s hair and whispered calming reassurances as the young boy told him about his dream.

“I just, I couldn’t breathe.”

“I know, I know Bubba, that’s so scary.”

“And it was all wrapped around me, I didn’t know where up was, I was so scared.”

“Shh, it’s okay, I know, kiddo. You’re safe now, I’ve got you.”

Pepper backed away and headed back to the master bedroom. She knew she had just witnessed something precious that probably not meant for outside eyes. She’d ask Tony about it in the morning, but for now, Peter needed him more than she did.

iv. Siberia

It was cold. That’s what Peter noticed first. He was in a place he didn’t recognize and he was cold. The walls and floors were all concrete, he didn’t know where he was, and he was so cold. He heard the distinct clang of metal hitting something solid and turned to see Captain America kneeling over Iron Man, punching the suit’s helmet one, two, three times before reaching for his shield.

Peter’s eyes went wide in horror. “Stop!” His scream ripped itself out of his throat with more force than he thought possible.

Captain America lifted his shield above his head, slamming it down into Iron Man’s face. Peter tried to move, tried to stop it, but the shield came down again, scattering parts of the mask. Peter was sobbing, he could only watch as Captain America reached down and ripped off Iron Man’s helmet before raising his shield once more.

“Tony!” Peter’s voice was raw. Why couldn’t he move? He had to do something. He had to save Tony. He couldn’t lose another person. He watched in horror as one of his childhood heroes tried to kill another. He fell to the floor with a scream as Captain America brought his shield down one last time, plunging it into Tony’s chest, shattering the arc reactor.

“No!” Peter woke with a scream, gasping for breath. His eyes darted around the room as he tried to ground himself. Bed, desk, web-shooters, dartboard, Star Wars poster. His sheets were warm, his shirt was soft, the desk was hard, his mattress was lumpy. May’s soft breathing, the tick of the clock in the living room, his phone vibrating. The smell of lasagna from dinner - wait. His phone was vibrating. Peter flipped it over to see Tony’s face filling the screen.

He leaned back against the headboard, took a deep breath, and swiped to pick up the call. “Mr. Stark?”

“Hey, kiddo. You alright?”

Another deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, I think so.” He nodded, even though Tony couldn’t see him.

“What happened, bud?” Tony’s voice was calming and strong where his own was shaky and weak.

“Nightmare.” He could feel the tears drying on his face, he sniffled softly and pulled his sleeves over his hands to wipe at his face.

“Is May there? Do you need me to come over?” Peter could hear the honest care in Tony’s voice and he knew that if he said yes, Tony would suit up on the spot. Peter had stopped fighting the man’s help with his nightmares some time ago, but he was still overcome by the depths of Tony’s caring every time.

“No, no, it’s fine. May’s asleep, but I’m good.” It was mostly true, his heart rate had calmed down and his breathing was back to normal. He could still see the dream burned into his vision, but even if Tony came he wouldn’t be able to help with that.

“Hmmm, you wanna run that by me again with a more believable lie?” Of course Tony knew, Tony always knew.

“I did my grounding, Mr. Stark, I’m okay.”

Tony hummed again but opted to move on. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not particularly.” Peter wasn’t supposed to have seen that footage and there was no easy way to tell someone that you had watched them almost die.

“Will you tell me anyway?”

Peter huffed. “You’re not gonna like it.”

“Do I ever?” Fair enough, Tony hated whenever he was upset.

Peter thought about lying, saying it was the Vulture or his parents or any of the other traumatic stuff that had happened to him, but Tony would know. And even if he let it go tonight, he’d get it out of Peter eventually. He was good like that. It was really annoying. So Peter let out a long breath and let the words tumble out of him, “It was about Siberia.”

“Siberia?” Peter could practically hear the crease forming between Tony’s eyebrows.

“Yeah, um, I got FRIDAY to show me the footage from the bunker.”

Tony sighed. “You’re right, I don’t like it. How much did you see, kid?”

“Enough.” Peter closed his eyes as the images started coming back to him. “And, and in my dream, I was there and I could see what was happening but I couldn’t help, I couldn't move and he broke the arc-” His breath was getting frantic again, he knew it, but he couldn’t help it.

“Whoa, hey buddy, deep breath.” He stopped his rambling and inhaled, holding it until Tony told him. “And out.” Release. “One more.” In. “Good job, bud.” And out. “It’s over, it’s done, I’m okay now. You’re okay.”

He let himself take a moment to listen to Tony’s breath and May’s heartbeat before trying to speak again. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologize, kiddo. Are you sure you don’t want me to stop by? I’m only a five-minute flight away.”

Peter wasn’t sure what he did to deserve Tony Stark being willing to drop his life every time Peter needed so much as a hug, but he would thank his lucky stars for it every day. “No, no, I’m coming by after school tomorrow anyway, I’ll see you then.”

“That’s a whole 14 hours away! I get clingy, kid, you sure?”

Peter laughed, of course, Tony was making it about himself to take the pressure off Peter. “Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Stark. And... thank you.” Peter tried to put all his emotions into those words.

“No problem, bud.” He thought he could hear the same emotions in Tony’s words. “Sleep tight, Pete.”

v. Soul Realm

There was nothing. An orange-red glow as far as the eye could see, but nothing. He drifted in and out of consciousness, if you could even call it that, and was met with nightmares every time. Both horrors that were taken directly from his own life (Ben dying, being trapped under rubble, his parent’s deaths, Flash’s bullying, the list went on), and things his mind made up to taunt him (losing his powers, May leaving because he was too much trouble, Tony telling him that he only stuck around for Spider-Man and Peter was nothing but a disappointment). Every time he would wake up begging for May or Tony or Ben or Pepper, but they were never there. No one ever was. So he’d sob until there were no more tears and wait for exhaustion to take him again to the world of his greatest fears. He couldn’t tell how much time had passed, it felt like years, but after a while, the pain blended together.

He was ripped from his restless slumber by a voice. A voice that he hadn’t heard in so long. One that he’d cried for over and over again. He opened his eyes to the orange world around him, he couldn’t see the man but the voice was still calling to him. His body felt strange and the red light started to fade. He could feel hands on him, he could hear someone calling his name...

+1 Tony

It had been one week, five days and ten hours since he had woken up on Titan to Tony sobbing his name. It had been one week, two days and four hours since he had woken up in the med-bay at the compound to two sets of steady beeps. It had been five days and eight hours since Tony had finally woken up and Peter had abandoned his own hospital bed in favor of curling up in Tony’s.

May had been a constant in their room for the first week, often climbing into Peter’s bed at night to hold him together and fight off his demons, but the world hadn’t stopped once it had been saved so eventually she had to go back to work. Pepper was in the room every day for varying hours, and the first couple days after Tony had woken up she didn’t leave for anything, but she still had a company to run and there was only so much work that could be done from the recliner in the corner.

Peter had been cleared to leave three days ago but he really only did so to use the bathroom or shower, and even then he usually had to wait until Tony was asleep. The man had been a little clingy since he woke up, not that Peter minded. He was pretty sure he had his own case of separation anxiety going on.

Tony was still recovering from the battle. Even with Cho’s cradle thing, his arm was pretty messed up, and Peter was sure Tony was sleeping more than he ever had in his life. It was what he was doing at the moment. It was only about 9 o’clock, but Tony’s bedtime lately had been pretty much ‘as early as possible’, so Peter had gotten used to keeping himself busy within the confines of the hospital room. He was just about to click to tell Netflix that ‘Yes, he was still there. Rude.’ when he heard a whimper come from the bed. His head snapped up and he was suddenly on high alert. He dropped his StarkPad, not caring what happened to it, and darted to Tony’s bedside.

“Tony?” After the man had woken up the first time and almost had a panic attack at Peter’s greeting, ‘Mr. Stark’ had quickly been put on a list of banned phrases.

Another whimper, this time followed by Tony throwing his head violently to the side. His face was contorted in pain, but Peter had a feeling it wasn’t because of his arm.

“Tony?” Peter started shaking the man’s shoulders, desperate to get him to wake up. “Tony, you’ve gotta wake up, it’s just a dream.” Peter had no clue how to handle someone else’s nightmares, he had never been on this side of things. “Tony, wake up, you’re at the compound, wake up.”

Tony’s eyes flew open and he gasped Peter’s name.

“I’m here, Tony, I’m right here.” Peter reached out to grab the man’s good hand. Tony’s eyes found his face then, but they were still too manic for Peter’s liking so he brought Tony’s hand up to his chest. “Follow my breathing, can you feel my heart? I’m right here.”

“Kid.” Tony’s voice was rough, but the relief in it was clear.

“That’s me.” Peter tried to smile, he had to be the strong one right now.

“Peter.” Tony brought his hand up to touch Peter’s face. He had been doing that a lot since they got back. Just studying Peter, watching him like he was something precious and new.

“Hey.” He didn’t know what Tony needed, but Pepper always told him that Tony was better when Peter was around, so he was hoping his presence would be enough. “Am I allowed up there?”

Tony hummed and dropped his hand just long enough for Peter to climb onto the bed and then planted it firmly in the boy’s hair. This Peter could do, laying on Tony’s chest while the man played with his hair was familiar territory. Usually, it was to calm Peter down, but if the way Tony’s heartbeat was evening out was any indication it seemed to help him too.

“You’re here.” Peter could tell Tony was on the verge of tears.

“I’m here.” Peter knew if he looked at his mentor Tony would clam up, so he just buried his head in the man’s chest and did his best to reassure him.

“You’re solid.” The words were barely a whisper, but they started Peter’s eyes watering immediately.

“I’m not going anywhere.” His voice was thick now too.

“I missed you, buddy.”

Peter clung to Tony then, as much for his own comfort as to comfort his father-figure. “I know, but I’m here now, Tony.”

“Love you, Peter.”

He could feel Tony’s tears from where the man had buried his face in Peter’s hair. He had a feeling Tony could feel his too as they started to soak through his hospital gown. “I love you too, Tony.”

“Should have told you sooner.”

“It’s okay, Tony, I knew.” Of course he knew, how could he not, when Tony made it so blindingly obvious in everything he did.

“I love you so much, bud, never forget it.”

He wouldn’t. Not for the rest of his life.

#my fic #marvel #MCU #tony stark #peter parker #iron man #Spider-Man #fanfic #fan fic #irondadbingo

[generousartisangladiator]

A trip down a Memory lane. Sam and Dean. Season1. Part 1.

I have decided to do a short overview of the brothers’ characters and their development on episode-byeepisode basis. My idea is to follow changes of the brothers over time and all those events they experiences for all these years. It’s so interesting to pay attention how the brothers were changing.

01.01 Pilot

What do we learn about Sam here? Incredibly smart, his LSAT score put him into what? Into the intellectual elite of the world?  Seems so. Confident, even smug, easily takes the initiative from Dean when they start investigating the case:

You're such a control freak, - says Dean and he is right. It’s not only the initiative he took from Dean, Sam is striving to control his life and, as a consequence, can’t tolerate the control from his father or his brother. Such strive to control is the first signs of responsibility – at that period of time it’s responsibility for his life and his fate, as well as the life of the family of his own – his girlfriend and prospective children. Sam takes his own decisions and is ready to be responsible for them. Another Sam’s characteristics, which is revealed in this episode is his determination, and commitment. He is able to set a goal and to do what is needed to reach it. However, for the first time one of his main fears is shown that is losing control. Losing control under the situation is Sam’s main fear in the early seasons: It’s clearly shown in the next dialogue:

DEAN So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna live some normal, apple pie life? Is that it?

SAM No. Not normal. Safe.

The safe life is the life, which allows to control its course, when monsters are not in the closet and you needn’t a .45.” (by the way, people often takes Sam’s words wrong and safe life is substituted by “normal”. Sam drew a firm distinction, he doesn’t want to live normally he wants the control over his life, the life where unpredictable factors are reduced to the minimum. The life where monsters won’t threaten people he loves. This Sam characteristics is reiterated by Dean later in the episode:

DEAN You're such a control freak.

The tragic end of the episode – his girlfriend’s death shows him the illusory nature of his control over his life and his fate, and this feeling will be one of those which will push him to his mistakes in season 4.

Also this episode reveals Sam’s outstanding abilities of investigator, his rebellious character and his openness – it’s him, ho calls his brother for the frank talk.

This first episode doesn’t reveal us much about Dean. His episodes are the second and especially the third. Nevertheless this episode reveals his loyalty to his family and his main fear, the fear to stay alone:

DEAN I can't do this alone.

SAM Yes you can.

DEAN looks down.

DEAN Yeah, well, I don't want to.

His another fear – the fear that he is not loved and his family doesn’t need him in a way he needs them will be revealed later and would be one of the focal points of the character up to and including the latest season. This episode also shows Dean’s tendency to show off (much later we will learn that underneath his cheekiness and proclivity to show off lie his self-esteem issues) and boss Sam around. And this episode also shows Dean’s thick emotional walls, he can’t be open and he cut Sam off when he wants to have heart-to-heart.

 01.02 Wendigo.

A wonderful episode for both brothers’ characterization. Sam is crushed by his grief and guilt: he didn’t save, he didn’t guard and full of his wish to avenge Jessica’s death, he is so fully immersed into his grief, that he disregards the necessity to go on with the hunt – there is no Dad there, so let’s take these people to a safe place and go to look for Dad, his means to revenge. This scene reveals that in some extreme cases Sam’s purposefulness and drive can turn into obsession:

SAM Dean...no. I gotta find Dad. I gotta find Jessica's killer. It's the only thing I can think about.

 Later this side of a wonderful quality will be revealed deeper. However, his obsession has its boundaries. What’s happening during this episode? Under Dean’s influence Sam goes into the hunt and feeling the responsibility for people who depend on them, people he even doesn’t know, gets determined to save them and without hesitation throws himself weaponless between the bunch of kids and the wendigo. Absence of understanding why it’s necessary to hunt instead of looking for  Dad is replaced by the drive to save those people who are in danger and it reveals in his complete change of the mood at the end of the episode:

DEAN Sam, you know we're gonna find Dad, right?

SAM Yeah, I know. But in the meantime? I'm driving.

This dialogue is a mirror dialogue of one in the beginning:

DEAN You wanna drive for a while?

SAM Dean, your whole life you never once asked me that.

DEAN Just thought you might want to. Never mind.

SAM Look, man, you're worried about me.

SAM I get it, and thank you, but I'm perfectly okay.

Who thinks these dialogues are about driving the Impala?

 Dean. He worries about his brother and tries to distract him. This episode reveals such strong Dean’s quality as his feeling of duty – duty before his father: their father wants them to go on with the hunts, so be it so, before people who are in need of their help. He considers that it’s his duty to save them.

Dead in the Water.

Sam goes on through his grief and guilt, he wants revenge. But this episode also shows Sam’s inability to give up, he will go on fighting despite everything else and his loyalty to his family (in some regards the brothers are very different, but their loyalty to their family is in their blood). But also it shows other characteristics Sam had at that time: his youthful and a bit immature impulsiveness and his inability to control himself

SAM Closure? What closure? People don't just disappear, Dean. Other people just stop looking for them.

DANIEL HUGH KELLY

DEAN Something you want to say to me?

SAM The trail for Dad. It's getting colder every day.

DEAN Exactly. So what are we supposed to do?

SAM I don't know. Something. Anything.

DEAN You know what? I'm sick of this attitude. You don't think I wanna find Dad as much as you do?

SAM Yeah, I know you do, it's just—

But in fact, it’s Dean’s episode. In this episode Dean is a big brother. He is more level-headed, more sensible, in this episode he is the one who doesn’t lose the temper. It goes without saying that in season 1 Dean is more mature than Sam. But Dean hasn’t faced a deep grief burdened with guilt yet. Season 2 is to come. The revelation of this episode is that Dean adores children and can find a common language with them.

Given the fact that in his own childhood he babysat his little brother who wasn’t an angel with angelic character, that seems natural. But we don’t know it then. Babysitting his grownup brother is not equally successful though. Suggesting having fun with the waitress to a person who a couple of weeks ago buried his fiancée is not a paragon of empathy. But empathy is not a strong side of Dean’s character.

This episode also reveals that Mom’s death is a deep and pestering wound for Dean, a wound which he conceals behind his recklessness. It’s this pain which doesn’t allow him to reveal his feelings to his brother, who seeks the ways to mutual understanding and brother bonding. This episode gives the explanation of such Dean’s closedness which he demonstrated in the Pilot – there are things he can’t talk even now. These emotional walls he built are the reason of what is hinted in these first episodes, but which will be explored later – Dean’s absorption in his own feelings and ignoring feelings of other people.

 Phantom Traveller. It’s Sam’s episode. This episode shows Sam’s bravery and selflessness and his ability to take responsibility for other people’s lives, it doesn’t even go into his mind that it’s possible to step back or give up:

SAM Okay. So we're getting on the plane, we need to find that demon and exorcise it. I'll get the tickets. You get whatever you can out of the trunk. Whatever that will make it through the security. Meet me back here in five minutes.

DEAN just looks at him anxiously.

SAM Are you okay?

DEAN No, not really.

SAM What? What's wrong?

DEAN Well, I kind of have this problem with, uh...

SAM Flying?

DEAN It's never really been an issue until now.

SAM You're joking, right?

DEAN Do I look like I'm joking? Why do you think I drive everywhere, Sam?

SAM All right. Uh, I'll go.

DEAN What?

SAM I'll do this one on my own.

DEAN What are you, nuts? You said it yourself, the plane's gonna crash.

SAM Dean, we can do it together, or I can do this one by myself. I'm not seeing a third option, here.

 Dean. For the first time in this episode we are shown that despite the fact that Dean is the big brother and loves to boss his little brother around and he got used to take responsibility for Sam’s life and health, he is not a leader by nature it’s more comfortable for him to follow.

 Bloody Mary. It’s Sam’s episode. This episode reveals us such his character traits as blownup feeling of guilt, his inability to forgive himself and his proclivity to taking responsibility. Sam is smart and rationally understands that Jessica’s knowledge about the impending danger would have changed nothing, as well as he understands that he couldn’t know that his nightmare meant something. But he blames himself for Jessica’s death and feels responsible for her death.. In the early seasons he is quick-tempered, can’t always control his anger, obsessed with grief, guilt, anger at his unfair fate and wants to revenge. But one more striking detail is brightly revealed here, the detail which later becomes one of the defining Sam’s characteristics – his propensity to put interests, feelings and lives of other people above his own. At this time it’s more a potential that full-fledged characteristics. It will be developing in the future and will shine with bright colours in later seasons. And this episode shows the premises of a possible character development of the hero. It was already hinted the last episode when Sam without hesitation went aboard the doomed plane in the attempt to save all its passengers and this was a rational level-headed decision, not a subconscious impulse. But this episode shows it even more brightly – he uses his felling of guilt as a means to save people. This episode also starts to show one of San’s determining characteristics, one of his core qualities - his mercy, his sympathy to other people and his ability to understand and…forgive. He forgives other people, but doesn’t forgive himself.

SAM Charlie? {Charlie turns around} Your boyfriend's death...you really should try to forgive yourself. No matter what you did, you probably couldn't have stopped it. Sometimes bad things just happen.

{Charlie smiles faintly, then turns around to go into the house.}

DEAN {Gently hits SAM} That's good advice. {They drive off} Hey SAM?

SAM Yeah?

DEAN Now that this is all over, I want you to tell me what that secret is.

SAM Look...you're my brother and I'd die for you, but there are some things I need to keep to myself. {SAM looks out the window and sees Jessica in a white dress on the street corner standing next to a light pole, as they turn the corner she disappears behind the pole, and we don't see her again.}

 Dean here is in the role of a worried big brother. And why did Bloody Mary influence him? What does he have on his conscience?  He is not new to killing people, as we learn a couple of episodes later.

 Skin. This episode says that Sam is quite independent, well-adapted in society and had a lot of friends.

But this is Dean-centric episode. It’s in this episode where we learn more about Dean’s characteristics which Pilot only brushed against. On one hand, it’s his sense of duty. Because of his sense of duty towards his family he refused from  from some dreams of some other life. On the other hand, the episodes shows Dean’s dependency on his family. Sam’s independence is only shown here to underline Dean’s dependency. He can’t be alone, his biggest fear is that his familywill  abandon him. He didn’t forgive Sam for Stanford, he bears a grudge, he is jealous that Sam had a life, and Dean wasn’t a part of this life, he is jealous of Sam’s friends because they are not Dean’s friends. Dean bears a grudge against his father too, he abandoned him too. Here I think lies Dean’s wish to control Sam, to keep him in submission – when Sam is under control, he won’t run away, and consequently Dean won’t be alone.

SHAPESHIFTER: He’s sure got issues with you. You got to go to college. He had to stay home. I mean, I had to stay home. With Dad. You don’t think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me. Where the hell were you?

SAM: Where is my brother? (The shapeshifter leans in close to SAM.)

SHAPESHIFTER: I am your brother. See, deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends. You could have a life. Me? I know I’m a freak. And sooner or later, everybody’s gonna leave me. (He backs away.)

SAM: What are you talkin’ about?

SHAPESHIFTER: You left. Hell, I did everything Dad asked me to, and he ditched me, too. No explanation, nothin’, just poof. Left me with your sorry ass. But, still, this life? It’s not without its perks. (He laughs.) I meet the nicest people. Like little Becky. You know, Dean would bang her if he had the chance. Let’s see what happens. (He smiles and covers SAM with a sheet.)

Dean feels loneliness and wants to be loved and is afraid that nobody needs him. The word freak here describes Dean.

 Hookman. This is Sam-centric episode. First of all we are shown how deeply he has been affected by Jessica’s death, how deeply he grieves and blames himself for her death. Nice detail is shown here – what Sam heard from the shapeshifter didn’t go past him and Sam empathizing his brother tries to calm Dean down, to console him and to prove to him that he was unhappy in his student life, though from Pilot we know that it’s an utter lie, but Sam understands that this lie will make Dean happier. Sam is empathizing with his brother, but this episode also shows Sam’s ability to empathise with people he sees for the first time.

Dean sees Sam’s guilt and grief and tries to distract Sam. Dean is in the role of a big protective brother his prevailing motives are his wish to sooth Sam’s pain and worry about him.

 Bugs. Episode though being far from stellar in its plot is wonderful in the brothers’ characterization. Firstly, this episode reveals the depth of the conflict between Sam and John, secondly, this episode refutes the myth that if John loved Sam more it means that he was milder to Sam than to Dean and Sam is more spoilt. This episode clearly shows that it’s simply a lie. John acted according to the principle:  from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded and that’s why whatever Sam did it was never good enough for John. He punished for disobedience, and Chuck knows, that Sam wasn’t exactly a poster child of an obedient son. This card went to the other brother. That’s why Sam was reproached and Dean ‘got an extra cookie”. Sam looking for Dad wasn’t even sure that Dad would be glad to see Sam:

SAM You know, truth is, when we finally do find Dad... I don't know if he's even gonna wanna see me.

Of course, Sam was being youthfully judgemental and unfair. He was wrong in his judgement, but he will understand it later when they at last meet. And Dean’s influence in that is instrumental, this episode included:

DEAN Sam, Dad was never disappointed in you. Never. He was scared.

SAM What are you talkin' about?

DEAN He was afraid of what could've happened to you if he wasn't around. But even when you two weren't talkin'... he used to swing by Stanford whenever he could. (SAM'S smirk fades.) Keep an eye on you. Make sure you were safe.

SAM What?

DEAN Yeah.

SAM Why didn't you tell me any of that?

DEAN Well, it's a two-way street, dude. You could've picked up the phone. (SAM stares at him sadly.) Come on, we're gonna be late for our appointment.

He walks away.

Of course, the main role in Sam’s future understanding and acceptance of his father was played by Jessica’s death, which helped Sam understand John’s grief and bitterness and his drive for revenge and all that experience Sam acquired hunting with Dean (like the history of Matt’s relationships with his father in this episode), but Dean’s influence was important too. In this episode Sam demonstrates his bitterness towards his father and Dean succeeded in convincing Sam that Dad loves him and never refused from his son despite the cruel words when they parted.

This episode underlines Dean’s obedience to his father and his refusal to doubt him. But it’s in the beginning and in the middle of the episode, but the end raises some questions. Is Dean starting to have the first doubts that his father is always right? Sam acquires experience hunting with Dean, but the same is right about Dean. Dean teaches Sam the obligations to the family, but Sam also teaches Dean to take his own independent decisions and rely upon himself, not on a person who is older, more experienced and wiser (or it can turn out that it’s not the case as it happened to Dean in My Time of Dyin).

 Home. That’s Sam’s episode, though some important aspects of Dean’s character are also shown. This episode once again underlines Sam’s empathy to completely unknown people and outlines Sam’s characteristics which will determine his fate – his inability to let get other people hurt. After having a nighmare about a woman crying for help he doesn’t even hesitate, - people can get hurt and that means they should help them. No doubts, no hesitations. And may be the nightmares that torture him is a means to help people? That detail which was hinted at in Bloody Mary is being developed here: Sam’s propensity to turn his own sufferings and his own grievances into a means to help people. Amazing! Such a breathtaking quality in a quite usual and very young man. It’s this quality that will lead him to the decision “to turn his curse into a means to help people” in season 4. It will be a reckless decision based on desperation, but in its foundation is this sacrificial, inner even not conscious need to save people. His “abilities” scare him and it’s clearly shown both in the beginning and at the end of the episode, but it doesn’t prevent him from using them to help others. The second character trait which is shown for the first time in the show, but which will be reiterated quite often later is his similarity to John. In fact this episode shows that Sam is John’s copy: when Sam is saving those kids from the fire he says the same phrase John said 22 years ago: 

All right, Sari, take your brother outside as fast as you can, and don’t look back. 

The same situation, the same pattern of behaviour, even the same wording and remember, Sam doesn’t even know the details of that night 22 years ago let alone the words John said! Like father like son.

Another subtle detail, we are started to show the reasons of Sam’s estrangement from his family in the period “before Stanford”. It will be slowly revealed later in the series and will take I think the whole 7 seasons, but in this episode we learn that Sam didn’t even suspect that it was Dean who took him out of fire. Sam didn’t remember his Mom, and nobody told him about her – the biggest blank in his life which was not filled neither with dear memories, nor with talks about her, or the circumstances of her death. He felt the void which nobody ever tried to fill. That the topic of mother was a taboo in Sam’s family will get its confirmation later in Very Supernatural Christmas, but it became clear in this episode. Mom is a topic of Dean’s and Dad’s conversations (adult talks), their foundation of the bonding, the topic Sam was excluded from. He was an object  of concern and care, but did John and Dean ever treated Sam as a person? This question is raised in this episode and a definitive “no” will be given later.

Dean. This episode shows how much Dean is dependent on his father. Dean feels lost at sea, he doesn’t’ know what to do and he addresses to somebody who always told him what to do, who always took decisions for him. And is given no response. Another crack in seemingly unshakeable Dean’s faith in his father. In Dean’s eyes his Dad let him down and he relied on him so much. I think that in this episode Dean’s unconditional loyalty starts to be shifting from John to Sam. Dad left him and Sam is beside him having his back. Dean always loved his brother, but his loyalty always belonged to John, and he always took John’s side, but this episode starts to change that.

One more important detail. This episode shows the brothers’ attitude to their mother. Both of them are frozen in awe when they see her ghost. Sam doesn’t remember her, and Dean remembered an imaginary image not a real person, but for both of them it’s a loss not to be filled.

 Asylum. A critical episode where the roots of brotherly conflict are shown. The wish to control Sam, which rooted in both Dean’s caring for his brother and in the fear that he may leave him clashed with Sam independent and rebellious nature, who rejects even the mildest control, and Dean’s control was far from  mild. Under the supernatural influence Sam’s anger at the attempts to control him burst out and despite his apology and affirmations that he thinks nothing of the kind, everybody understands (including Dean) that Sam said what he really thought. He is really angry at Dean’s obedience to John and Dean’s attempts to make Sam be obedient too. But this event helps the brothers to move to each other and look for common ground, which happened in Scarescrow.

 Scarecrow. It’s a very important episode both in brothers’ characterization and the development of their relations. The episode shows that the brothers started to change under the influence of each other and made a step towards each other and in there own maturing. At the beginning of the episode brothers quarrel and part: Sam is obsessed in his desire to avenge Jessica’s death and neglects the case their Dad gave them despite the possibility that people may die (his ability to put other people’s interests above his own feelings and emotions is more of a potential at that time, it’s not his MO yet, it is indicated but has not fully developed yet), and Dean put his duty as he understands it )his duty to fulfill John’s will as well as his duty to save people) on the first place, ignoring Sam’s feelings and his right for the choice. In the course of the episode a lot has changed Dean understands that blind obedience is not always a merit and he also understands a fact that it’s necessary to take one’s own decisions in life (a huge step forward for Dean, which predetermined a lot) and recognizes Sam’s right to choose his own life (it won’t last long, but it was the first attempt in the right direction). Dean is very possessive and to recognize the right to choose his life for Sam is hard for him), but what is even more important Dean finds the strength to apologize and that is a very mature action which demands an inner strength.

DEAN: Sam. You were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life.

SAM: Are you serious?

DEAN: You’ve always known what you want. And you go after it. You stand up to Dad. And you always have. Hell, I wish I—anyway….I admire that about you. I’m proud of you, Sammy.

 And Sam put his family above his feelings and his wishes. He didn’t refuse from revenge, but he understands that there are more important things than that.

DEAN: What made you change your mind?

SAM: I didn’t. I still wanna find Dad. And you’re still a pain in the ass. (DEAN nods.) But, Jess and Mom—they’re both gone. Dad is God knows where. You and me. We’re all that’s left. So, if we’re gonna see this through, we’re gonna do it together. 

 Dean learns from Sam the free will and Sam learns from Dean the sense of obligation to the family. Dean’s love for Sam is a bit of parental and to recognize that the kid grew up and doesn’t need chaperone is very difficult for Dean.

One more important detail – his drive to justice (he is a wouldbe lawyer after all!) . We have been already shown Sam’s ability to forgive, but Sam is not blind all-forgiveness. Here he asks the fact that town-dwellers escape the punishment for their murders:

SAM: And the rest of the townspeople, they’ll just get away with it?

 Sam is merciful, but he is not a pushover, and he may be relentless to what he considers evil. This episode for the first time states one more detail: Sam is stronger than Dean, though in early seasons it’s more of a potential than the developed quality. In early seasons Sam’s personality is in the process of developing, and many things which the first season indicates are only under formation. In early seasons Dean is more mature personality, that is why we are shown characteristics which are much more actualized than in Sam’s case.

 Faith. It’s a very important episode in both brothers’ characterization, despite the fact that it’s Dean centric. The quality of writing in the first seven seasons is outstanding: no matter be the episode Dean or Sam centric both brothers were at the focus of attention. Sera’s writing, how I miss it. For the first time such important thing in the life of every man as faith is focused here. Not religiosity, but faith in its core meaning – the faith in Greater Good, faith in something which is bigger than you and the absence of such faith. Such faith gives strength, so may be one of the reasons that Sam is the strongest character of the show is that? This episode outlines for the first time such faith in Sam and the absence of such faith in Dean. And this episode for the first time shows that beneath Dean’s cheekiness and showing off lies the low self-esteem. And self-esteem issues make people dependent on outer approval and they need to be loved and to be admired and to convince themselves and the others that they are the best. And these traits will be explored further in a lot of episodes and will be turned in one of Dean’s distinguishing characteristics.

Here also shown another detail: Sam’s aversion to kill (has anybody noticed that during season 1 Sam didn’t kill at all, even monsters?). Sam has never found anything attractive in killing, though in the course of time he learnt to do that (and devoted the whole third season to it. To learn how to be more like Dean, that is to learn how to kill).

And in this episode it’s Sam who stops Dean from killing that faith-healer, who at the end of the day turned out to be an innocent man.

This episode also shows Sam’s purposefulness and determination. If Sam sees the goal and it doesn’t contradict his ethical principle, he refuses to see obstacles and is able to walk through walls. If Sam set the goal he achieves it, for better or worth, and he never failed. But this episode teaches him a very tough lesson that the price for achieving the goal may be too high. Sam feels guilt, that somebody died because of him and does everything he can not to correct the situation, he can’t correct it, but to stop what is happening to avoid such cases in the future. This pattern of behavior is very interesting and will be repeated itself in the future seasons. Sam has a tendency not to be self-absorbed, when he feels guilt at first he is remorseful and beats himself and then translates his feeling of guilt into feeling of responsibility, he takes the responsibility for what has happened and does everything to correct the situation if possible, or at least to stop it from happening in the future.  He beats himself and takes the full responsibility for the consequences of his action. This episode is no exception he starts this investigation, he leads it, he stops Ann-Mary. That’s the difference between two brothers, as Dean is beating himself for his actions and moping about them and hates himself for them and then bury them and… repeats them. This episode is no exception: Dean is crushed by guilt and gave the leadership to Sam and just follows Sam. That’s what is constant in this show Dean feels guilt and mopes about it, Sam feels guilt and takes responsibility.

#spn #1 season #canon #Sam Winchester #Dean Winchester

[jinjikook]

Sugar Sweet | 3 | (M) [Discontinued]

word count: 5.1k

genre: smut + fluff; college AU + fuckboy!kihyun

pairing: reader/kihyun

summary: your best friend & roommate changkyun just wanted to help get you laid. instead you found solace in a pink haired man named kihyun who had a smart mouth with sharp words you weren’t afraid to let cut you, as long as he didn’t mind you hurting him a little too.

a/n: there’s no actual smut in this chapter, just lots of talk about it along with seriously suggestive things, but it’ll be in the next one! thank you so much for the support and love for SS so far!!  ♡ ♡ ♡

part 1 | part 2 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 

masterlist

2 days.

2 days was all you got before fate decided to fuck you over once more.

On one of the worst days of the week—scratch that, the whole month—you were dealing with too many problems at once. For starters, your alarm didn’t go off because your phone died halfway last night due to the fact you fell asleep watching Netflix and didn’t lock it. Clearly, that also meant you forgot to charge it.

But being late made you miss most of your morning class, to which you’re almost always on time to but the one day you weren’t, the professor decided to assign an important project that required you to work with a partner. And since you weren’t present, you were forced to work with Kim Taehyung, a notorious flirt and slacker when it came to work. Sure, he was nice to look at but he was useless in class, always relying on copying others to pass by. So this meant you essentially had to do the entire project by yourself within the next two weeks on parameters you weren’t present to know of.

Then, you went to get something to eat and after dealing with waiting in line behind what felt like the slowest talker in the universe, once you finally got your bag of hot fast food, this asshole behind you bumped into you and made you spill your soda all over yourself, not even as much as an apology left his mouth. He just gave you a dirty look as if you were the one who bumped into him.

Getting home was hell, half-chilled clothes sticking to your body grossly as you bit into the burger, even though they had gotten it wrong and gave you a different kind than you ordered. You couldn’t turn on the AC without freezing to death because of your clothing and you couldn’t distract yourself with your usual music because your phone was still at home charging. The radio in your car was virtually useless, every station always playing the same annoying and repetitive songs or disc jockeys rambling on and on about moronic families doing normal things that were always blown out proportion because they’re famous.

(For all the wrong reasons, you might add.)

When you actually got home, you realized your apartment’s laundry room was closed off. Apparently due to some risqué teens deciding to try and get it on in there and ended up breaking some pipe or something like that which ended up flooding the place. Damn horny kids and their inability to keep their sex lives in their respective homes. Not like you were one to talk though, if that little escapade with Park Jimin not too long ago in the movie theater was anything to go by.

So after changing into drier clothes; albeit they were just old sweatpants and the commemorative t-shirt you got from that car wash thing at the sorority, you set off to the local laundromat. It wasn’t anything swanky but it got the job done and it had enough security cameras and witnesses to keep you from being kidnapped from creepers who try to steal women’s panties from their baskets. You brought a basket with enough clothes to wash that would at least last you a week. It included underwear, some jackets, plenty of t-shirts and tank tops and of course, jeans for days. You threw in a load into one of the medium sized machines, relishing in the fact that it was relatively empty in the establishment minus you and a few others that minded their own business fairly well.

You had one side of your earbuds shoved into an ear, jamming quietly to a fairly poppy song as you poured in your detergent and softener, probably too much for the size of the load but you never really cared much about that. Humming along to the tune, you turned on the machine and fed it your quarters, watching as it hummed to life and began to fill with water and suds.

Turning around, you were met with a body blocking your way to the counter where the rest of your clothes were. You were about to open your mouth and kindly ask to be let past but then you watched as the man in front of you spotted a pair of your underwear in the basket, sticky fingers already going to reach for it. Your eyes widened to the size of saucers and insults and accusations jumped to the front of your tongue, ready to jump off and give this creep an earful. However, the face you were met with as he turned with the said article of clothing made you more flustered than angry.

“Dang Y/N, I’d like to see you in these.” Kihyun spoke, his voice slightly hoarse from what’d you assume was sleep. He eyed the pair of baby blue panties that hung from his grip, the slight white lace trim grazing his fingertips. You were absolutely fuming, how dare he just overstep his boundaries like that and expose you in front of the public like this?

(The public being the 4 or 5 others inside the store with you, all of which were totally not paying attention to either one of you. But that was beside the point, it was the principle of the matter!)

You huffed and lunged to tear the fabric from in-between his digits but he simply stepped back and made you miss altogether, smirk plastered on his features.

“Uh uh uh, gotta move quicker than that sweetheart.” You growled and tried again, a repeat of before making you lean too far forward and fall into Kihyun’s personal space. Too close for comfort, definitely. “Baby girl if you wanted to get close to me, you didn’t need to play this little game, just ask. Surely you know how to use your big girl words, right?” Kihyun teased, re-hashing the words you had spat at him the first time you met.

“Seriously? You’re being so fucking immature right now, just give me those!” You tried once more, finally getting a decent grip on them and tearing them out of his hands, angrily throwing it back into the basket with your other dirty clothes. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be, preferably a thousand miles away from me?”

He chuckled, his gaze falling to the floor for a brief moment before coming back to meet your eyes, looking a touch darker than before. “Bothering you is always my number one priority, don’t you know?” He ruffled your hair and walked towards your basket again, hopping up and sitting next to it on the small counter. His eyes caught the offending piece of clothing once more before you stepped up to him and silently threatened him to not even dare. He raised his hands in mock surrender but continued to smugly smile at you, like he had you right where he wanted.

“Why are you even here? Isn’t your place like, on the other side of campus?” You asked, choosing to ignore his presence by instead categorizing your clothes between lights and darks.

“Missed you. And a little birdie told me they saw you here so I decided to grace you with my face and pay you a little visit. Ya’ know, to brighten your day.” Was he for real? How does one person have so much confidence in themselves at all hours? You didn’t even dignify his words with a response, scoffing and shaking your head as you try and decide if a gray shirt constituted as a light or a dark.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, you know. That little shirt isn’t really helping me either, babe.” Kihyun pointed at the shirt you were wearing, a blatant reminder of the conversation you had not that long ago that led to having hypothetical sex on your couch with him. Your heartrate picked up slightly, skin already getting clammier at the sheer memory of the time you two shared together. It was thrilling, though you hated to admit it. Something about Kihyun made your libido spark up, in ways you just couldn’t explain. And here he was, on one of the worst days of your life with his stupidly perfect face and stupidly sexy smile, tempting you like a little devil that hung off your shoulder.

He sighed and looked around, watching people come and go around you two. He wanted to do something to you, with you, but something about this place just ruined his “game”. He needed to get you somewhere else, a better playing field.

“How long are you gonna be here?”

“I’ll stay all night if it means you’ll leave.”

A soft chuckle paired with his soft hands at your chin made your eyes meet Kihyun’s own, “Love, I’m not leaving here without you.” Your mouth gaped at his words, leaving you beyond speechless. He was simultaneously so sweet and yet so spicy-sharp that you couldn’t help but feel enticed by his every word. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, his words already had you trembling in his grip, anticipation boiling inside as you shakily answered with a soft and barely-audible soon that made the corners of Kihyun’s mouth perk up. It reminded you of something evil; dark and low down but you couldn’t pinpoint who exactly you thought of in the moment.

He offered to help and pulled out his wallet, unzipping the small pocket on the side and shook out a couple of quarters. Taking a couple of ones out of it, he stashed the wallet away and mumbled about getting change from the machine in the corner. The whole idea of him helping you wash clothes had you shell-shocked, the entire thing being so damn domestic. Surely, he had ulterior motives in wanting to get you out of here sooner, no doubt. But at the same time you couldn’t help but think that he didn’t have to go to such lengths. Especially not having such an affinity for you that his friends knew enough of it to tell them your whereabouts, just so he could come and pester you. It was peculiar to say the least, but not unwelcome, you came to realize.

As shit as this day had been already, spending some time with Kihyun seemed like it wouldn’t be the worst. After all, he wasn’t so bad and if all else fails, you can just give him hell and laugh at his misery and take your mind off your own. He returned promptly, asking you to help him load the washing machine next to yours with the rest of your clothes. After silently following his orders and watching him carefully measure out the detergent and softener, he realized you hadn’t taken your eyes off him for the past few minutes. Even after he shooed you away, telling you he knew how to handle the machine just fine by himself, you still sat back and watched in awe. How could something so incredibly normal and average look so beautiful? Even with his hair snug underneath a black beanie and an oversized hoodie on, Kihyun still managed to take your breath away.

You figured that’s what always made you come back to him, despite his toxic attitude and sharp tongue, his pretty face and melodious laughter made up for it. You finally had an answer for his question the other day: even though he was as rude as they come, he still was a beauty that suited you perfectly. The sexual attraction was based off your constant fighting, the tension simply from raised tempers. But the actual, raw magnetism he held in him was from his prince-like appearance, surely what drew most girls in on first instances. It certainly was what captured your attention once you looked past his filthy mouth.

“Hey, did you want to take a picture? Because it’ll last longer, trust me.” He interrupted your thoughts, bringing back the attitude that turned your face sour.

“Anything lasts longer than you, trust me.” You shot back, smirking at his obviously surprised reaction to your words, not expecting such a witty and quick response from you.

“Wanna bet?”

You raised your eyebrows at him, all those mushy feelings from before completely dissipated. Leave it to Kihyun to fuck up a decently nice moment alongside him. You shook your head and turned the volume up on your phone, the one headphone that was in was on Kihyun’s side so it’d block him out. Closing your eyes, you let your head loll back and the rhythm that pounded in your eardrum made your mind let go of its stresses just for a moment before Kihyun literally ripped the bud out, yanking on the cord and making your eyes shoot open and instantly glare at him.

“I asked you a question Y/N. You always say I’m the rude one but ignoring me is just as much impolite.”

“I chose to ignore a stupid question, for both our sakes.” You spat, reaching to put the bud back in but Kihyun’s hand stopped you once more.

“I don’t get how that benefits the both of us? Makes me sad when you ignore me like that.” Kihyun falsely pouted, mock innocence crossed his face. You didn’t believe it for a second.

“Tough shit, suck it up Kihyun.”

“I’d rather if you did.” Kihyun instantly retorted, leaving your side as the washers dinged and already signaled the end of their cycles. He sang quietly as the wads of moist clothes were tossed into adjacent dryers, Kihyun instinctively throwing in dryer sheets and already putting in change to start the machines. He turned and was met with your bewildered stare, eyebrows raised high.

“Why did you just do that for me?” You asked, seeing no reason for him to have gone through all the trouble of automatically putting your clothes to dry.

He shrugged, returning to your side in a few strides.

“Okay, let’s say, for hypothetical purposes, what would it take for you to partake in my game?” Kihyun brought his earlier topic back full circle, eyes still trained on the tumbling clothes in the dryers. You pursed your lips, a tight line in-between them as you thought about his so-called “game”.

“What were you thinking, hypothetically?” You indulged in him for a moment, curiosity nipping at your heels like a yippy dog.

“How about, after these finish up, we go out together? Hypothetically speaking, of course.” Kihyun began to share his idea, the thought of you two going out together already making you anxious. “Then, we see who really can last. Whoever gives in and initiates something first, loses.”

“And the hypothetical prize?” You asked, already getting wet at the mere thought of teasing each other in public. Exhibitionism wasn’t exactly your biggest kink but it certainly was something different and doing it with Kihyun sparked a low fire in your stomach.

This prompted a scoff from Kihyun before he finally turned his head and met your eyes, “Bragging rights, obviously. And maybe a favor from the loser?”

This game suddenly got a lot more interesting.

While Kihyun was already thinking of filthy things he’d have you do after he won, you had other plans. Sure, you’d have to swallow your pride and flirt brazenly with Kihyun but once you won, you’d make him regret it. Maybe make him wear a pretty dress and wait outside for a bus while screaming something to get everyone’s attention? Or possibly you’d make him apologize in person to every woman on campus who he’s slept with and kicked out, including yourself. This was going to be fun, already deeming yourself a winner. After all, you certainly had more resolve than him plus he was the one who had a thing for you, not the other way around.

“Okay, I’ll do it. Under one condition,” You began, trying to hide your excitement in making Kihyun eat his words. The other nodded, already accepting whatever terms you had since it’d mean he’d have you wrapped around his finger shortly. “You have to help me fold this stuff, nicely.”

“Oh that’s too easy. Plus, it lets me get my hands on whatever other pretty pairs of underwear you’ve been holding out on.” Rolling your eyes, you patiently waited for the dryers to finish and your little game to begin soon enough, already plotting serious revenge tactics once you gloat amply in the winner’s circle. Kihyun continued to hum along to a mindless tune, interfering with the one in your ear at the moment. You pulled out the bud and gave him a look, prompting him to smirk and raise an eyebrow, as if to ask what? I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

Gesturing to your headphones, you began to speak, “I’m trying to listen to something here. Maybe sing a little quieter? Or not at all? Thanks sweetcheeks.” You decided the little moniker at the end was aptly put, since he always seemed to use nicknames with you and think it’s alright.

“Sweetcheeks? I’m not even gonna dignify that one with a response. But if you have so much trouble focusing, how about you let me listen to what you’re listening to? That way if I do hum, it’s at least the same song.” He didn’t wait for you to answer, already reaching over for the other side of the headphones and placing it in the proper ear. Listening intently, he instantly recognized the melody and began to hum lowly to the chorus, favoring to harmonizing with the vocals versus just following the same chords. Your eyes were locked onto his figure, swaying softly to the beat as he let himself get lost in the music. His eyes were closed and the dusting of his dark lashes fanned over his glowing cheekbones, looking like absolute art in its finest form. A small peach strand maneuvered its way out his beanie, cascading down over his forehead and the tip of it landing just past his eyes, down the middle. Such a small imperfection and yet it still accented his face in soft staccatos in a way that stole your breath away. His eyes opened up to stare at the offending hair, cross-eyed at the task of focusing on it. Kihyun blew a small puff of air, levitating the strand and you watched it fly up only for it to slowly drift back down to its original position. He tried to blow it away once more and it only made the hair fly away more erratically before once again landing in-between his eyes.  

He finally tore his focus away from the hair to glance over at you, not expecting to find you so entranced with his visage. He smiled slightly, just a gentle upturn of the corners of his mouth as he reveled in your awe. Somewhere in his brain stewed a snarky comment, something that’d make you scoff or roll your eyes in an instant. But Kihyun couldn’t will himself to ruin the moment with his smart mouth, wanting take a picture of you in the moment and keep it forever with him. Why he felt that way, he wasn’t sure.

You finally noticed his eyes on you and you instantly felt your face flush with heat, tearing yourself away from his side and taking interest in tucking your hair fervently behind your ears. Kihyun found the motion cute, and most definitely not subtle. You gnawed on your lip in worrisome nibbles, making it turn redder from the irritation. When it popped out from in-between your teeth, Kihyun felt the air being ripped out from his lungs. Your lips looked utterly perfect, plump and pink and everything that Kihyun wanted to bruise; to ruin and make his forever. Now it was his turn to be taken by your beauty, though he had the advantage of being able to do so more freely, not caring if you noticed or not. He had verbalized his interest in you before, just not as intimately as he was feeling right in this moment.

Sure, he had the want to make you his in the bedroom—wanting to fuck and claim every inch of your sinfully gorgeous body—but now, he saw you as something more delicate, fragile even. He wanted to lay you down, kiss along every crack and crevice your body held, wanting to know the stories behind every childhood scar that dotted your skin. He gulped harshly, feeling cotton-mouthed at the entire revelation, finally feeling something other than lust burning in his veins for the first time in what he was sure was forever. The thoughts both scared and intrigued him, much like a jump down a pitch-black ravine. There was the initial fear of the plunge itself. Then the excitement of the journey down, only to be faced with the destination, whatever it may be. But what if where he landed was nothing like he hoped? Or worse, what if it was not what he wanted?

“Um, earth to moron? Kihyun? Kihyunnie???” Your melodious voice tore him from his thoughts, eyes met with your own as you were bent in front of him with your hands raised, no doubt you had been waving them in front of his face to try and get him back from wherever he’d spaced off to. “The clothes are done, c’mon, you said you’d help.” You tugged at his arm to get him to stand upright and after a small fit of frustration, he finally decided to cooperate and help you fold the two loads from the dryers.

Focused on properly folding a soft gray towel, you hadn’t taken notice of what Kihyun had picked out from his pile of clothes: yet another pair of underwear that you threw in to wash. This time it was black and lacy, a lot more risqué than the previous pair. The sight of it stirred something in Kihyun’s belly, arousal peeking in the edges of his psyche as he imagined the fabric clung tight against your body and hung low on your hips. He’d probably pull them to the side when he’d fuck you, wanting to keep them on you because you looked just so sinfully good in them. His mind was muddled with needy thoughts of you, wanting to hear you beg and whine all pretty, much like the first night you two slept together.

Not wanting a repeat of the previous time he ogled your panties, he stashed the pair in the pocket of his dark-wash ripped jeans, by the tightness at the crotch that began to bloom. He’d make use of them later, sure to bring them up another time and see just how red your face would get. Soon enough, the two of you had finished organizing the clothes and gently stacking them in your baskets, the entire time going well with no event, other than the stolen undergarment Kihyun had hidden away in his clutches. The silence allowed Kihyun’s arousal to wane off to a gentle buzz, a low hum in the background that he could tolerate for a little while longer.

After placing the two full baskets in the backseat of your car, you wiped your slightly clammy palms against the front of your sweats and turned to face Kihyun.

“Well, what did you have in mind for the backdrop to our little game?” You asked, choosing to not beat around the bush any longer. After all, you had menacing plans brewed in your mind and wanted to waste no time in your chances to execute them.

“How about the mall, love? Maybe we go bowling, check out some shops and grab something to eat? That is, if you aren’t already begging me to eat you at that point.” His smile ticked on, igniting the low burn that seemed to always be in your presence when Kihyun’s all-too glorious face reared itself. It would burn especially hot when he did that smirk thing, paired with a wink that sealed a kiss on your core, making it grow wetter at what was promised behind those cocky actions. “How about you go change into something a little more… I would say comfortable but honestly I don’t think it gets any more so than that, other than being naked. Which I’m totally okay with by the way, though I think that’d count as an instant forfeit since it’d be totally unfair.” A scoff made its way out of your maw before you even processed the words out of Kihyun’s, choosing to continue his tangent for him to save yourself the second-hand cringe.

“I’m just gonna go home and change into something more appropriate.” That was a more tasteful choice of words, but even then Kihyun still mockingly pouted at them.

“Aw, baby. You’re no fun.”

“I’m playing this game aren’t I? That alone should get me some points.” You fired back, already getting in the driver’s seat and putting your keys into the ignition, turning it and making the car’s engine roar to life. You watched as Kihyun tried to speak to you through the window, muffled voice making you laugh as he tried to gesture to you wildly. “What was that?” You cupped your palm around your ear, “I can’t quite hear you! You’ll have to speak up!” You giggle at his small tantrum, his hands furiously signing for you to roll down your window. With one last burst of laughter, you decide to pity him and pull the window down, giving Kihyun to opportunity to finally speak.

“God damn Y/N, way to be an ass.” Another fit of giggles erupted out of you, your palm coming up to try and stifle them despite doing a terrible job of it.  “I still don’t have your number. That’s kind of important given the fact you have no idea when or where we’ll be meeting later.” For once, Kihyun actually made decent sense and as much as you didn’t enjoy the idea of Kihyun having your personal phone number and the ability to contact and pester you at any given time, you figured it was bound to happen. Especially if he really did stick around to stay in Changkyun’s close circle of friends.

After a few grumbles, you begrudgingly told him the number sequence for your cell, watching as he proudly tapped away at his own, entering the numbers and instantly saving them under the name Baby Girl ♡ and quickly sending you a text so his number would register on yours.

Unknown Number [2:14 PM]: save me as “best dicking down of your life” ;)

You groaned at his text and was tempted to just toss the phone out the window by his feet and run over it multiple times but thought against it, not wanting to add yet another expense to your already growing pile of bills. Just to spite him, you went to the text and quick-added him to your contact list as Pain In My Ass, turning the phone to show Kihyun his new name.

“You wish honey, we can head that route another time; if you’re down.” He winked, disgust flooding your expression at the fact that he insinuated anal sex would be on you two’s agenda any time soon. Fingers already flying over your keyboard, you decided to just keep it short and simple, a good name that’d double as a warning should his name ever show up in your notifications for any reason.

Turning the phone back to him, you felt pride swell in your chest as his expression turned something sour, an ugly scowl marring his already too pretty features. The sight alone made you bark out in laughter, hand coming up to smack at the steering wheel. His new contact name was fuckboi #1, and you wondered if you’d have gotten the same reaction if you had went with the other nickname you had stewing in your mind.

(Cotton Candy was the other, but at the last second you felt it was too sweet, literally. He would’ve probably said he melts in your mouth, much like the pink and fluffy treat.)

“Aw babe,” You sweetly drawled, relishing in his reaction to everything in the moment, “you’re too cute. I’ll see you later.” Not sparing another moment, you drove off in the direction of your apartment; leaving Kihyun there both stunned and aroused at the nickname you called him.

You’d gotten home just a little while ago, a quick text shot to Kihyun telling him you’d meet him at the food court around 6 o’clock tonight. It gave you time to relax a little and get your game plan all figured out. Taking the time to write a cheat sheet on the notes application on your phone, you began to jot down all your dirty and sneaky ideas for the night. You’d wear something not too revealing but still attractive that you could use to your advantage. The plan was to have him drooling only minutes into your mock date, in a way that he wouldn’t be able to resist getting his hands on you. A few more bullet points down the line, you’re interrupted by a vibration paired with a name dropping down the top of your screen, fuckboi #1 flashing across the top along with the small green message icon.

Smirking at your all-too clever joke, you deemed your list ample enough for the time being and tapped on the notification, screen fading into the text message page for your conversation with Kihyun.

fuckboi #1 [3:08 PM]: what are you wearing tonight?

fuckboi #1 [3:08 PM]: since I want to make sure you’re not being a naughty little cheater tonight

A small laugh left you; of course he’d catch on to such an easy ploy for you to access. Tapping away quickly, your response came to life in no time.

You [3:09 PM]: wouldn’t you like to know?

You [3:09 PM]: for your information, it’s tasteful and hot as fuck

fuckboi #1 [3:10 PM]: so you are going nude then?

Seriously, this kid was too much for you.

fuckboi #1: [3:10 PM]: i stand by your decision sweetheart, can’t wait to see you

You [3:11 PM]: gross

You [3:11 PM]: I’d rather fuck a cactus than be naked with the likes of you

fuckboi #1 [3:12 PM]: wow baby, didn’t realize you were such a masochist

fuckboi #1 [3:12 PM]: i reeled myself a good one

You [3:13 PM]: fuck you

fuckboi #1 [3:14PM]: you’d like that wouldn’t you ;))))

You [3:15PM]: you’re so going down tonight

You [3:15 PM]: babe

Laughter filtered from your mouth as you noticed the sudden lack of snarky responses, the name calling probably already making him weak in the knees. Tonight was going to be so easy, you had it in the bag. At least, you thought you did.

fuckboi #1 [3:19 PM]: let the games begin

fuckboi #1 [3:19 PM]: baby girl

Maybe you were in over your head, more so than you originally thought.

#mxnetwork #mxwriters #kihyuknet #kreativewritersnet #kihyun #yoo kihyun #monsta x #mx #mx:kh #kpop #monsta x smut #kpop smut #reader insert #kihyun x reader #kihyun smut

[silenceismychoir]

.

#[ignore] #my inability to set 1 boundary in my life is really gonna be the death of me #like i would feel like a shitty person if i said no to this thing.....but also doing it makes me feel even worse. im drained. but here i am #why am i the way i am.... #god pls i ask for a normal person's brain pls i can't go on

[meduelesluegoexisto]

Shiraki - 1999-2003

1. Post Student Syndrome Prospects of a new life, planning, cash in, cash out Weigh every step I take Live up to every expectation that rests on my shoulder And now I talk to the mouth of some lost soul that never matched up to his own And I wonder how many careers are based on true motivation. Are mine true enough to make it through time I’ll serve mine and already apologize for failing I dare you to say you live the life you dreamed of Consequences first, step out of line, severe damage for sure, think it over first. 2. Copycat

I keep hearing what was said long before Synchronized mouths a copy of dim light Is what remained The worst has still to come, But you don’t know and you never will No gods, no masters Your revolution is not much more Than a piece of paper Tell me whom are you fooling Don’t expect me to strife on your side No progression made 3. Robot Wars Robot wars, no remorse, metal bloodshed Robot wars, shred to pieces, ripped apart total devestation Killing is the game, robot wars the name Two warriors, battleground, till the end All hail to SHIKARI, all hail to ROBOT WARS Let the battles start Death machinery Robot wars Let’s do some damage Dead metal, Mathilda, Sgt.Bash, Robot wars 4. …And Just When I Thought I Had It All Figured Out Made a blueprint for my own reassurance Funny, how everything seems to be falling apart When the most precious of thoughts is proven wrong Made a blueprint to cut out my insecurities Now I can only question the need of trying to structure my life Never thought that anyone Could break down this fortress And leave me in ruins like this And I can only ask myself, was It worth, rationalize thoughts, Can I, can I… What is love, is this love Can I love, will I love… 5. Written In Some Depressive Mood This room is too small I hate this room, it’s not mine I hold the key but there’s no keyhole, no exit It’s like a rope tightened around my neck Forced to swallow, choking Another 25 years tied down on these restrictions Just the thought Break the burden Kill that thought My own noise

6. Encounters Standing on behalf of the crowd Thinking where did I bring myself and you ask What’s the threat? I keep running into disillusion It’s hard not to be cynical Alternative nation inhibited By leaders and followers Who do you identify with? Don’t you know You have to choose sides Let the cleansing begin Be sure to wear the right stigma All I believed in faded away Are my expectations too high Or are you afraid of recognition And admit it at the same time My hero died today and I held the knife Walked right into it If this is the current state Of evolutions, count me out My hero died today And I should have seen it coming… 7. You Know So Well What did I say? What did I do? This view of mine will probably never fit in What did you say? What did you do? Oh, you know so well how I should succeed Please go Set things straight in your own pathetic world first Shut up and stay out of mine

8. Fuel

This is my st(h)atement

What won’t regress my motivation

Is my own reversion

Of the herds of know-it-alls

That seems to surround me daily

Setting fire to settled structures

The present order until there’s

No more now and here

Fear down the monuments

Burn their churches

I feed on you, you give me reason to

I love to despise

For the hope

A better day

Catalyst

I feed on the hate you sow

9. In Existence

Did the thought of seeking beyond the boundaries of our enclosing existence ever cross your mind?

We get a fix on

greed and consumption

trained into perfection

living an assumption

We are deceived in our loves, fights and motivations

I truly wish that we just could all see through the blinds

create your own existence

10. The Kids Shouldn't Be Playing With Fire

Integrity seems really hard to hold on to when integrity can be bought and sold

if you can't live up to your won set of values, why bother?

stop trying making up excuses, it's obvious you're willing to sell yourself out,

why even speak of politically awareness when the only policy is you

can't start a fire as long as the consequences won't outgrow the level of giving it a serious thought, oh no, imagine!!

this is your policy of me only suited up till here a policy of me only valid now and here tell me, tell me wait, nevermind your story, I bet it will fit into your pathetic little world, you've justified it all haven't you? kids shouldn't be playing with what they don't know how to handle, leave your policy at home, so it's there where I can burn it down 11. Tekila Step into a never ending circle that feels so familiar, never asking for a direction, lead me into your love this time, I just know it's for real this time. this is how you make me feel this time, not gonna let it go recognition this scene looks so familiar I've played thsi part before it's the one where I lost my lines the director shouted "cut" and I kept talking and even though I can't remember the words it must have been the right script and if you ever wondered why, I can't stop, can't get enough? I want you to feel, I want you to be here, feel your presence and I love to love you 12. Attitude Would it make a difference if you'd be born with your mouth stuffed? you talk so much it makes no sense at all just plain repetitions. waht have you got to add? an advertisement of something i'll never be a part in the name of shut up and play a culture of apathy fuck it, not afraid to say fuck it you won't save the day fuck it this must come really hard fuck it please tear us apart your interpretation of a so called open mind means nothing more but blind acceptance of a goal justifying the means, your attitude mistaken for an opinion. to me you're nothing but scared

13. Dead Men

What makes this anger grow

frustration building up inside of me

the inability of getting through to you

a blind acceptance of the role they assigned to you

have you ever wondered who told you what to do?

Dead men

A heart at twenty, a mere consumer at thirty, when did you stop feeling like you did?

your heart didn't stop beating, you didn't stop breathing, still it seems to me as if everything just quit

Such a sad story that's meant to be so unreal but the laughter remains rather dimm playing your role as I'm watching you sliding away. what's left?, your prospects, your future?

Anger builds inside of me, I wish I could light the fire, make you realize and live again.

I wish I set the world alight, make everyone see, hear and feel, I wish I could

14. Morning Wood

See me here

drowning in

some self created form of misery

Nothing else seems to matter at all, nothing of any relevance, will release me from here

hit me hard, then cut me deep, it might just hurt or put me to sleep

please last for another day, comforts me more than it should, gives me the relief, the need more than anything would

Caught up in self reflection, swallowed with appreciation

nothing else seems to matter at all but even I realize that I'll have to

Wake up

Nothing of any relevance matters here, self reflection, appreciation comforts me, then I'll wake up again

15. Utopia Dismantled

Life reduced to a concrete wish. Simplification of our wants and needs and eventually transformed into an ultimate attempt of forcing patterns upon us. Don't think we'll think for you. Satisfaction gained out of emptiness. Our homes as the imagination of the circle of demise we're in. Concrete = freedom. Trapped into a steel caged. Life's being decided for you.

Nevermind the wealth your bathing in, we'll turn it into mud for you, but don't fear, your smile never fades in this utopia especially build for you. You'll never see. You'll never realize

16. The Last Thing

Bless myself with this fucking gift of saying the right thing when it's need to be said.

So well thought, almost real, one day and I'll start believing it myself

Bless myself being so goddamn rational, so much sense when the damage is already done

And even though, I must say that it does make sense to me, it feels like shit

The last thing I ever wanted to hear that it's probably the best for the both of us

These words are me, I know but I swear I didn't have to use ‘em

These words are mine, I know but I hate it, them coming out of my mouth

A price I was more than willing to pay to keep me from drifting from you or me

17. Biela

Escucha!

Toca Biela

Viva la Biela

La Biela es nuestra vida!

(Listen up!

Play Biela

Long live Biela

Biela is our lives!)

18. Fall on Proverb (Unbroken Cover)

My hands are open

Can`t you see them being burned

This faith is the deepest

You could ask for what`s remembered

With the guilt wrapped around our necks

That`s right I just stopped what I didn`t start

I missed the chance that will never come

Better to regret what I have done

I`d give anything just to forget

A smile so worthwhile

But you can only rent it

My hands are open

19. Ons Land (Our Country)

Welvaartsstaat Nederland, ons knus cultuurtje, ons kikkerland

Toppunt van onnozelheid, alleen heet het hier gezelligheid

Met z'n allen voor de buis, kijken naar het koningshuis

Toppunt van onnozelheid, alleen heet her hier gezelligheid

We doen niet moeilijk, het hoort erbij, we kijken al uit naar de dag

Waar zij gaan, zullen wij staan, wapperend met orange vlag

We doen niet moeilijk, het hoort erbij, her huwelijk van de eeuw

Hoe kun je niet verlangen naar het wuiven van haar hand

De herinnering dat we leven, leven in een geweldig land.

(Welfare state Holland, our comfy little culture, our frogland

Pinnacle of silliness, except here it's called cosiness

Everybody in front of the box, watching the royal house

Pinnacle of silliness, except here it's called cosiness

We're not being difficult, it's all part of the game, we're looking forward for the way

Where they'll go, is where we'll stand, waving the orange flag

We're not being difficult, it's all part of the game, the wedding of the century

Where they'll go, is where we'll stand, proud as we are of the lion

How could you not long, for the waving of her hand

The reminder that we live, live in a wonderful land.)

#shikari