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mrswarnerxo · 25 days

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❪ ★ ❫ nightmares.

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: aaron warner x fem!reader.

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒: aaron has been having nightmares of the war and a special someone dying. good thing you’re there to help your boyfriend.

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: fluff, pet names, insomnia, mention of death, mention of war, nightmares, cuddling, comfort, paris anderson.

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒: 347

𝐀/𝐍: i edited this because there’s no way im letting THIS stay on my account. dont care if i was half asleep the grammar mistakes in here KILLED ME. also didnt i make the jameson cuddler thing short too? idk man😭😭🙏

𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓. 𝐀𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐍 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐑.

𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐃: ✓

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐒: i’ll add em tonight since i already tagged them today and i dont wanna bother them lmao

you roll around in your bed, feeling nothing but the cold air as your arm reaches out from the blankets. you open your eyes and you don’t see the familiar blond hair of your boyfriend.

you look around and see aaron sitting on the edge of your bed, elbows on his knees with his head in his hands.

frowning, you slowly get up. aaron turns his head around and his eyes widen slightly when he sees you. “sorry, angel, did i wake you up?” he asks softly.

you shake your head before crawling towards him. “was it a nightmare again?” you ask. he’d been having nightmares ever since the war ended.

it was understandable, especially for him, because of his father.

it was a routine for you two. aaron has a nightmare, he sits on the edge of the bed, you wake up, ask him if he’s okay, then cuddle him until you two fall asleep.

he nods lightly but doesn’t say anything. you know when he does that, he doesn’t want to talk about it. and so you don’t. instead, you crawl into his lap and lay your head on his shoulder.

“it’s okay,” you whisper, “i’m here.” aaron sighs and brings his hand up to your back, the other one lying comfortably on your thigh.

he leans back slightly, digging his face in your hair. “it was about you,” he finally whispers. “you were gone—you got taken from me and you never came back,” he continues.

you know what he means when he says that. you died. he either has nightmares about his father or you dying. you’re the only thing he cared enough to have nightmares about.

“shh,” you shush him. “i’m here, aaron. i won’t leave you. never.” he sighs and squeezes you, holding you tightly as if he lets go, you’ll vanish.

you’ll never vanish.

“it’s okay. i’m here; and i’m staying, love,” you murmur. he hums, breathing in the scent of your hair. and soon; you two both fell asleep.

sadly, you woke up again when he fell on his back.

#aaron x reader #aaron warner x you #aaron warner fanfic #aaron warner #aaron warner x reader #aaron warner x y/n #aaron warner x fem y/n #short fanfic #i should sleep #i should go to bed #fanfic #books #booktok #bookish #fanfiction #belles fanfictions💋

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fragmentating · 2 months

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I dont think I've seen many discussions of this project or the similar ones this author discusses in other articles on here yet, which really is a shame and I reccomend everyone read it especially if you, like me, sometimes struggle with being asked "so what are alternative ways of treating people in crisis"

Under the cut is some very personal ramblings about how I stumbled over this article and how it felt reading it for the first time in a fairly vulnerable state. Tw for abuse mentions, drugs, your fairly normal mad life shit. This is the most personal writing I have ever created on this overall topic, so I would really appreciate if any of you would give it your time of day, thanks..!

As an introduction I have to begin with this: I recently quit being a consumer. I was always a survivor, but I clung to anti psychotics for a couple years of adulthood because it felt preferable to the insomnia I'd find myself with without, and a nice little blanket of nothingness in the saved pills in those extra stressful moments. Whenever I'd quit, I'd come back sometime later again. Last time it was being desperate to quit getting excessively drunk every night. And the closed psych ward I checked myself into, because I genuinely was not capable of controlling my drinking at home in any way at all, starting me on seroquel once again. Neither helped me achieve sobriety long term (not really surprising to myself, but not the point of this, honestly). Rather I kept risking my health even more by consuming both on many nights after being back home. But the warnings sort of stop feeling real too. I mean, I've done this a few hundred times for sure by now. What really pushed me over the edge, was my tardive dyskenesia (tics) worsening and worsening, even after switching to another anti psychotic hoping itd stop the progression getting back on seroquel was causing. Sometimes they're painful. That's the worst. I was originally planning on trying another pill my friend had reccomended who was currently staying in rehab, hearing me lament my lack of sleep without this medication I didn't want anymore. he gave me the email address of the psych giving it to him that I could access through the outpatient services at the clinic for addiction by using the right keywords. It would've been easy.

But I never wrote that mail. Instead, after getting my last refill of Perazine, from that asshole psych who also misgendered me so aggressively and consequently, didnt matter that I legitimately already had changed my gender marker a year earlier... that refill was supposed to last me the next 3 months, and I halfheartedly tapered it off for 2 or 3 weeks. The thought of seeing his face again made me sick. This was now nearly exactly a month ago. I have felt no desire to write that email.

I didnt experience any of the common withdrawal symptoms I heard so much about, only after quitting completely, there was a very short bout of very confusing feelings, sensations, beliefs. The usual. I've been there, medicated or not. I made it through without reaching for a pill again. 3 days, max, then it was over. But suddenly I stopped sleeping, for up to 50 hours at a time. After about a week of that, I finally found someone online say insomnia can be a withdrawal symptom of quitting anti psychotics. I genuinely never heard of that before ? (But to be fair, maybe at some point I did, and the perazin and seroquel and others just made it drip off my longterm memory like teflon.) Either way, could it have been that every time I went running back for (sometimes way less bad) insomnia after quitting, it was actually fucking withdrawals? I thought I could probably keep this up for a few months until starting my new / first job. Unemployed people have an easier time staying up 50 hours at a time because we can simply collapse into bed at 9am after those and sleep all day. By now I'm mostly down to 30 hours at a time. Theres issues still, sure, but the quick progress is making me excited. I might never sleep perfectly normal, but at this point, I'd take that any day over daily substances.

What happened exactly, aside from the insomnia? I ran out of my weed a couple weeks earlier. Lost my hookup at the same time, so I decided, you know what, let me just not get something for a while, I'm not in the mood to look for something new rn. I was still drinking weekly with friends, but then they got sick for a while, and I only got drunk by myself once or twice that entire time. and somehow realized it wasnt actually my favorite alone-time substance anymore, that was weed. But I didn't have weed. So I just tried. And tried. And it mostly worked out. I stopped thinking about it. Had a small run in with cough syrup we dont talk about. And then I quit the perazine. I was terrified. This was the thing keeping all the other cravings at bay, right? It didnt make sense. I hadn't been "unmedicated" for more than a few weeks since the last 8 years. If I was out of pills, I'd turn to weed or alcohol or both. But nothing really happened this time. Because I stopped running from my feelings.

Slowly I started noticing it. There were so many things I was suddenly reacting to emotionally. Joy, pain, grief, connection, ... I never thought of myself as particularly numb before, but in comparison? It's hard to describe. It felt like every day further into getting off the perazine I felt more like myself. But how did I know it was me? It was someone I had never met before. I hadn't met adult me, ever. All I knew was abused kid me, abused teen me. It was me because now I felt alive in every little thing. Suddenly insomnia feels a lot less awful when you're having it by yourself, someone so novel but comforting. But with good emotions come bad. Suddenly I was crying curled up in a ball about memories from my most traumatic first institutionalization as a teen that I used to talk about like it was a fun little anecdote. There I felt it. "Go take one of your pills. 100m should probably be enough, maybe 150?" I wish I could say I did something super healthy. But I went for a cigarette cause I was really craving one, the breakdown had sort of delayed my usual midnight smoke. That turned into looking at the stars with music on my headphones for a bit. Back in bed I actually had forgotten about the pills again. Instead I opened up Google and typed in "psych abuse survivor". I was looking for something akin to a forum, I believe. But Nothing, really. A few term definitions on Wikipedia. Im no stranger to this internet search. And internet searches about anti psychiatry, anti psychotics, drug interactions, the name of the place I was institutionalized at. Every couple months I check if someone finally burned it down. And About to give up I saw the link to this article. And I opened it. Newly me, newly free to feel, really feel.

It was intriguing at first. I teared up a little a few times. Nothing major or surprising for my newfound emotional range. Then I got to the part where he talks about holding people, after they were allowed to freely let out their pent up rage, anger, manic energy, whatever it was, just let it out, all out. And theyd slowly come out of the (UNLOCKED) room (THAT THEY WERE ALLOWED TO LEAVE AT ANY POINT) after a few hours, and they would be hugged. And often they would start crying. Sometimes violently. And they would hold them lovingly, sometimes multiple of them, until the persons sobs trailed off into sniffles, into nothing. As I finished the sentence it broke out of me in a same way. Theres silent tears running down my cheeks writing this right now. But last night ? I was wailing. Sounds I had not heard from myself, ever. Not the night my grandmother passed. Not the nights I recalled sexual abuse, recalled my violent father, recalled my peers universally rejecting me for the freak I was, as I laid in my basement next to baggies of weed and xtc, as i sat in the bathroom watching blood go down the drain.

Suddenly it wasn't just the abuse in the ward that hurt. The memories of seeing tiny harm- and powerless kids strapped down and tied up, older boys injected and carried off, alarms blaring, keys turning in locks, a haze of benzos that made everything blur together, being watched as you shower, watched as you sleep. Dragged out of your room screaming. What hurt me so much I was wailing like never before was the love I needed, but never got when I needed it the most. I needed to be held as I cried. I dont think I have been held as I cried since I was 9 years old. I have been gawked at, yelled at, ignored and stepped over as I laid on the floor, walked past in public, threatened, locked up.

But I have not once been held.

#madpunk #psych critical #anti psych #anti psychiatry #psych survivor #psych abuse

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sin-content · 1 year

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The "something" au :3

Abit of a info dump hehe

This is Cindy, she at first like all the Sins started life happy and nice but at 10 years old.. here all her family died in a car crash, normaly Sin gets left with her mom and sister but not this time. she was left alone at home due to feeling sick, but getting the news they were gone.. she felt like everyone would forget her, like by them dying no one would remember her and so this feeling gave birth to SOMETHING but SOMETHING doesnt want to kill her or anything, he just wants one thing. For everyone includeing herself to forget her and so she fades from existance getting trapped in nothing with gaster(no void in this au, just nothingness between reality and fiction), but she noticed after awhile her friends didnt seem to remember her name.. she did though, but they kept forggeting untill she was a stranger to them, she tryed to stay but couldnt, she ran away becouse of the stress and ended up underground after awhile of running, she after once sleeping and almost turning fully invisible(or not real) she developed insomnia and paranoia, she stutters alot, she noticed she was also forgetting and started repreating words to herself like "Im Cindy, Im alive, Im someone in this world.. Im not gone, Im alright, I like drawing and my family alot, they died but thats alright, ill be fine" wich being undergound made her forget even more untill.. it became "IM SOMEONE. I HAVE TO STAY ALIVE, I WONT BE GONE. IM HERE, I NEED..... HELP" but no one even remembers her! How could they help? Even in fights, after about 10 seconds they forget who she is and why theyre fighting, she found ways to remind herself she exists like scraching herself to feel it and remind herself that way, eventually she scratched too much and wrapped bandages on herself so she could scratch without hurting herself, she got a bat and knife from the undergroud for self defence...

Though everyone who meets her meets the same fate. To forget her, SOMETHING wont let them remember, or even know where they were.. someone takes many forms but.. its really just a black blob with a shape and any body of any creature and with eyes, sometimes just one but ut can have as many as it wants! No one even sees SOMETHING.. well they do but.. forget it as they forget more about Someone, she sometimes hers about people talking about SOMETHING behind her or even them.. she has a small notebook where she writes as much as possible but sometimes the ink dissapers leaveing her with gaps.. but she keeps the drawings of SOMETHING that she drew while people discribed it behind her. She has memory issues and is always on the run from SOMETHING dispite not knowing ehat it is, she has magic but its not much, just healing and fire magic, she has another two abilitys but theyre long forgotten.. maybe one day someone can remind her how to use them.. and then she can get better maybe, all she knows is that SOMETHING is always there. And if she isnt carefull she will end up not existing..

Bonus: Error!Sans could not kill her due to the forgetting thing, he would forget why he is there and who she is and the forgetting would make his strings start to fade from existance, she could never Beat Error either so a draw it would be!

Here you go Lumi abit more of the Something au

hehehe ^^

#undertale au #undertale oc #oc #ut aus #ut oc #oc art #undertale multiverse #undertale #sin horrortale #sin something #Completely forgot to mention her soul is fading #like its at 25% opacity and when it hits 0% she gets errased/sent to the nothingness with gaster!

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draintheblood · 1 year

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personal/rant. but if u have any experience with this or tips i would genuinely love to talk about this or hear from u. so basically ive mentioned this before but over the past couple years ive developed increasingly debilitating insomnia thats now at the point where its effectively ruining my life, basically about half or over half of the nights of the week i will just not fall asleep at all and just be awake the whole night. i feel like ive tried EVERYTHING, all the classic otc tricks just dont seem to work. to top it all off im one of those few people who benadryl/nyquil/antihistamines give heart palpitations to instead of making drowsy. but tbh i dont even need help with being drowsy? i already am exhausted all the time but when i try to lay down to go to sleep it just doesnt happen. earlier this month i went to the doctors about this and they prescribed me trazodone which is another drowsy effect medicine and i didnt really feel any difference at all after taking it. i went to the dispensary yesterday and tried to get those sleep gummies but they didnt help either. i have another doctors appointment on jan 10 for a follow up but im pretty much just at my wits end and i dont know if i can make it til then like this. i tried calling to move the appointment up but they said theres no sooner ones available. so basically if anyone has any suggestions at all for otc remedies or have been prescribed something for sleep what is ur experience?? at my next doctors appointment they will probably try to switch the prescription to something else so if anyone has experience with any of the other options id love to hear it. or even just any sleepy guys solidarity would be appreciated . ♥️

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multifandombullshitbabes · 1 year

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TOP GUN HEADCANONS: Bob Floyd edition (he's my blorbo)

Gotta honor my icon for my first post here. I love bobby, hes my bby, my son, my silly rabbit.

Let's start:

HE'S TRANS. hes a transman, but he still likes to explore his gender identity trough clothes n shit. basically, I wanna see him in a dress

hes done top surgery, 2 horizontal scars below his pecs and his nipples are heart shaped. cuz i think thats cute

hes not particularly interested in bottom surgery, but he DOES have a glorious t-dick. my son is packin ;)

i also hc him as gay, or just HEAVILY men leaning. I get the pan and bi hcs, but for some reason i see him as a man lover only

he has an insomnia disorder and autism, possibly adhd. at this point, bob will just deal with his shit raw

he has a hyper fixation on the ocean. throughout his years in the navy, he was also doing a marine investigator course, very surface (hah) level of course, but he wanted it official

bob has a scuba diving certification (he ALMOST went full ocean instead of the navy. almost)

bob's family is not his biological one. they are his childhood next door neighbors, who stepped in when his family was um. having issues. I'll make another post for that I think

im just gonna say that bob's mom sucked ASS and his dad wasnt there as much because of divorce when he was 4. he also worked for the USA government, secret service, so their time was limited

he's an only child, but Sirah, the child of his neighbor family, was always a big sister to him. She figured out bob's gender identity since very young, and always helped him make small but meaningful steps to learn n accept it himself

bob is a great cook, but he does prefer when someone else cooks for him. he thinks its very sweet

bob is a supernatural skeptic. he believes more in cryptics and aliens than ghosts n demons

bob's fav animals are cats, sharks and jellyfish

bob is also very interested in space, but more because his dad was, and they would trade facts of each others hyper fixations whenever they could

his aim is IMMACULATE, scarily so. never anger bob if theres throwable or shootable objects nearby. you will be hit

the reason bob doesnt drink with the other daggers is because he has this irrational fear that somehow theyre gonna be called for a mission, theyre all gonna be drunk including him, and for some reason he'll be needed to pilot, even tho thats not his position, n then he'll crash n die somewhere. so he never drinks to ensure hes at least sober if something happens. he knows its irrational, the fear is still there tho

bob is like a disney princess, and will charm any animals that come in contact with him. even that bear that one time. and that shark while he was drunk. he will fight spiders however, verbally

he knows how to play the guitar, but he also wants to learn the drums

bob was on puberty blockers when he was around 14 and started testosterone when he turned 17. His top surgery was his 21st birthday present

everybody growing up always said he looked like his mother, which he hates considering she sucks. it wasnt until he met his grandmother from his father side when he turned 20, when she saw him for the first time since his dads funeral at 14, that she says what shes always thought: that he was the copy paste of his dad. he cried a lot that day

bobs father is actually missing. he went on a mission he knew could be dangerous, a long awaited one, so there were a few years to prepare for that. something about radiation and handling dangerous substances. bob knows this, and they spent as much time together as they can

bob actually named himself after his dad. they are both Robert Floyd. ppl normally think its either spongebob, or the minion, or bob the builder for some reason. one person said robert pattinson from twilight specifically. bob didnt know how to feel (hes team jacob)

That will do for now. cuz its getting long. I'll add of bobs backstory cuz BOY. ITS DARK. IM SORRY IN ADVANCE

#bob floyd #robert floyd #top gun bob #top gun maverick #come get yall headcanons #top gun headcanons #robert bob floyd #hey look i posted a thing

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neuroticboyfriend · 1 year

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Your blog has been really inspiring to me, and I feel kind of selfish saying it but your recent posts about struggling with drug use have been motivating me to quit drinking again. I hope things get easier for the both of us and that good things come your way soon.

🥺 im so glad me sharing what im going through is encouraging you... that's not selfish to tell me at all, it really helps me to know that my blog inspires others. it also makes me feel less alone, to know others are going through similar things. im wishing all the same goodness to you, too.

i didnt want to stop when i started this, but. you all and my boyfriend have encouraged me to try to stop. that and the "therapeutic index" for this med is very narrow, meaning there's a fine line between helpful dose and kills-you dose (there's no antidote either). it's also fucking with the meds i take for POTS, insomnia, and psychosis.

so.. yea. thank you, more than i can say. <3

#asks #anon #yaybox #drugs tw #alcohol tw #death tw

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 11 months

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ahhh i had a rlly similar experience like got told i wasnt bipolar bc i wasnt "risk taking" as if i wasnt stealing compulsively and barely eating or sleeping while manic ... damn im sorry you went thru that too <33

ITS THE WORST !! and at the time i was too young to even Realize that i actually was living a deranged lifestyle. im sure i must've explained some of my trauma to this guy so im not sure why he thought i was faking. but i probably didnt think to explain that i had insomnia, drug problems, eating problems, poor impulse control etc etc. basically all i knew was that i was either so so depressed or so so crazy w/ no ability to control it. now almost 30 n still havent received useful help from professionals, the meds i got were given by a loved one who hasnt taken them in years so she has a stash saved up lol. i pray u can get the help u need anon cus its treacherous trying to raw dog life w this condition. its crazy to me that i lived this long fr!! ilu anon dont give up..<3

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sleepym123 · 2 years

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Trigger warning: mentions of abuse and neglect.

This is just me venting, don't read if you dont want to.

Me(few years back): *tries on boy-ish clothes and plays sports, clearly bi curios, minding my own buisness*

Bio mom: God, why are you like this?

Me: What, you dont like the clothes?

Bio mom: Yes! And that stupid liking of girls is making me sick! Are you trying to ruin our reputation?!

Me: Your the one that gives me trauma and neglects me.

Bio mom: That is not a reason to act like that!

Me: Like what? Like myself?

Bio mom: Yes, now stop acting that way! You're such a disgrace.

I have been abused, neglected and used the first 13 years of my life. I had to be the responcible sibling, taking care of Sunny and doing house chores every day. I never said anything because i didnt think that may be a huge impact on me.

I felt safe when I wore boy ish clothes, but my mom dissagreed. She was homophobic and transphobic, religios and strict and I never knew what was right or what was wrong because of her.

She would beat me like a punching, leaving me in scars a bruises all over my body. She even threw me down the stairs. I have scars all over my body, some are from her and some are self inflicted. I would cut myself, watch as blood ran my arms or legs, leaving a mark. I weared long sleeves and jeans every time I went to school, feeling scared if someone notices.

I had self hatred, looking myself in the mirror and only with a disscusted look on my face. I believed her words, thinking I was a disgrace and a freak.

I would try to cry myself to sleep, but that never really helped since insomnia only kept me awake. I would stay awake the whole night, either laying in my bed or doing homework to keep myself occupied.

I became a workaholic and I never stoped working, cleaning, helping Sunny, doing homework ect.... So I was never really relaxed.

Me now: *sucsefully transitions into a boy and acts the way I am, having self love*

Step mom: Im so proud of you sweetheart! Your doing great!

Me: *kinda still not used to being loved and supported* Uh thanks?

The neighborhood reported my mom and she is now in jail. My dad took costody of me and Sunny and we met our step mother. She is actualy a kind woman and really supportive.

After some therapy, Im feeling a lot better. And now that im older, I understand that what she did was clearly wrong and messed up.

I am diegnosed with PTSD and anxiety. But 'episodes' don't happen so frequently. Not anymore at least.

I am not writting this for attention. I am telling that you are not alone and I can relate.

Thank you for your time.

#abuse survivor #transgender #bisexual #neglect #self h@rm #Vent #vent post

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ardanum · 5 months

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I am so fucking mad. I hate that pharmacist. Is it such a big effort to consider patients like fucking human beings for a second. Espescially when you're working in the fucking medical field?????

I am so out of my mind. I haven't slept for 2 days and I finally was about to get some fucking rest. If it wasn't for a mistake she made (which is fine, arrives to everyone) but she DIDNT give me a solution until tomorrow morning to get my fucking prescription and other pharmacies won't give it to me so now *that mistake* is forcing me either to have an insomnia and not get any sleep or to self over medicate with my old treatment so i can be able to fall asleep.

I *ASKED* her to give me something for tonight and she wouldn't, she blocked my prescription. Now that's putting my health and my *LIFE* in danger because, well, who cares about chronically ill people, right?

(Oh and add to that mental breakdown the fact that I'm sick which means if I don't sleep I won't be able to get better any soon and I will be blowing my nose and feeling miserable all night. great.)

- it won't actually be that dangerous cause i know how much I can take before it's dangerous because I had to do my own research. Because of fucking doctors :) i hate the medical field and if it didn't actually help me i would burn it to the ground

#vent

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samuel-is-an-idiot · 1 year

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Tomorrow I'm going to a doctor appointment. This is my first doctor appointment that isnt to renew my allergy and pain relievers prescriptions in a few years. I mean I've gone a few times for colds because immuno-deficiency (and I had physical therapy once a week for 7 years and 'normal' therapy for 3 but that didnt count like this does) but this, this is big. This is the big scary monster I've tried to keep in my closet since I was 14 and stopped seeing doctors that every 2 or so weeks try to answer the million dollar question: "What the fuck is wrong with Sam" it's been 4 years since I stopped asking for help about specific things that are wrong and remain wrong because I HATE this. I despise this because I was suffering for years, I still am, I had (and still have) nights where I woke up screaming in pain as I felt like my nerves were being torn out of my limbs and doctors couldnt find anything and some even told me I was lying. That the pain I was feeling was impossible.

I hate this, yet here I am going back. Tomorrow 10 AM I'm opening the fucking closet and letting the monster out because I cant do this anymore. 3 years ago one of my 'weekly' doctors told me that I should get checked out for CFS, I was 15. I had just gotten out of seeing Doctors, the ones that pick and probe and test and either look at you like you're a fucking mystery, a liar or some kind of circus freak, either look at you with absolute pity because they don't know and they know you're hoping that someone has an answer for your parents and you've been spending your school time and your free time in waiting rooms and RMIs. I know she (the doctor that told me to get check for CFS) talked to my mom or something but the timing was bad. Really REALLY bad as Covid hit and my mom was a hospital worker. So she must have forgotten. But I didnt remind her and I didnt see that doctor again after lockdown. I just tucked it as far and as deep as I could into my brain so that I could live a normal life AWAY from hospitals.

I fucked up. I was a 15 years old who hzd been mistreated by years and years of doctors and bullying and I ignored the one thing that is now affecting my life to the point where I dont believe I can actually do the job I want to do anymore. I fall asleep standing up if I sleep less than 7 hours a night, 8 hours is barely enough to keep me going through the day and 9 or 10 seem to be the right number but even then if I do "too many" activities I just might as well have not slept in fucking weeks. So when I dont have an alarm in the morning I sleep for longer even if its later in the night, because OF COURSE this bullshit doesnt affect the fact that i have insomnia... I could spend Hours talking about all the ways my exhaustion fucks me up but it would just fuck me up more and its making me fucking sick. Everything exhausts me and nothing allows me to rest anymore.

And still. I dont regret waiting for 3 years for help. I dont want or have regrets for those 3 years because the past is the past and all that and honestly those years were bad. But I met some amazing people and I did some good things and helped a few friends and thats good for me. I honestly dont know how much different things could have been if I had been diagnosed or had been pulled back into the medical version of the Wheel of Misfortune or whatever. But now I'm going back. I'm going back because I cant take care of myself on my own anymore and I need help. I've always needed help but now more than ever.

So I'm openning the closet tomorrow at 10AM and either that monster will help me either I'll be torn to shreds... again. Nothing I cant fix again and there's always the chance it will actually help me for once...

TLDR: local young adult about to face off with teenage years bully in a match for a diagnosis and medical assistance!

#chronic illness #chronic pain #disability #autism #what is my problem #tw doctors #tw swearing #chronic fatigue #chronically ill #doctors #ranting #true story #what the fuck #diagnosis #im tired

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bowser14456 · 3 years

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Didn't sleep much last night cause of a bad thunderstorm that woke me up a couple hours before I was supposed to get up 😴

#personal shit #my insomnia didnt help either #might take a nap after my doctors appointment

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soft-boi-eli · 3 years

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Hello!! I hope you are doing well today, mentally and physically! Just wanna say I love your writing! But, I dunno if your requests are open or closed. If there closed, please ignore this!! But if their open. I was wondering if I could request a gender-neutral and headcannons with Ranboo, Tubbo, Technoblade, And Philza with a partner that has insomnia pretty bad? Like they cannot sleep, stay up all night gaming, drink energy drinks or coffee all night cause they cannot sleep. And if they do, they only get 4 or less hours of sleep? If not, I totally understand and please ignore this if you don't wanna do this. Sorry if this has bad grammar, English isn't my first language and it's hard to learn. Please remember to take your time if you end up doing this. Please also remember to saty hydrated, eat, and get a normal amount of sleep! Stay safe [If your still in a pandemic, I'm sadly still in one]

Ranboo, Tubbo, Technoblade, and Father! Philza x insomniac! Reader Headcanons

You know other then my own insomnia acting up really badly lately I've been good! Thank you for asking.

I'm going to make Philza's platonic/ a father figure. Only because I know he has a wife and I dont want to ignore it. also he will be a father figure to you.

Ranboo

You and ranboo both have insomnia.

And sometimes to wear yourself out streaming is one of the only ways.

People got quite use to the late night streams you two did.

And you two didnt really let people know what time it was there.

But if ranboo wasnt having one of those nights and you were you better bet he's dragging you away from the coffee and energy drinks.

He's forced you to bed, carrying you over his shoulder and tossed on the bed harshly.

Then he just plops down right next to you.

"Ranboo. I'm not tired."-(y/n)

"You havent slept in three days, your running on coffee and an oreo. So you're either laying down and sleeping or just laying down."-ranboo

His arms forced you to the bed. If you have to go to the bathroom he's following you.

He's tempted to toss out all coffee and energy drinks.

But his parents drink the coffee in the morning and you have already drank all the energy drinks.

If the insomnia isn't that bad then he'll have you lay on his chest and rub your back.

He talked soft and hummed lightly as he tried to put you to sleep.

It worked sometimes.

But sometimes is doesn't.

So he's found that if your having a really bad case of insomnia the best way to help you sleep is a dose of melatonin.

"(Y/n) it's to the point I have to basically drug you to sleep. Please go at least a week with out the coffee or energy drinks."-ranboo

"I literally cant sleep. The coffee and energy drinks help me focus."-(y/n)

If you refuse to take the pill/gummy he's drugging your water with it.

And after a long ass nap all you could do was thank him honestly.

But even the melatonin doesnt work sometimes.

So on those nights were nothing works he's streaming with you and if by some blessing you get tired he's quick to offer you sleeping in his arms to help you fall asleep and stay asleep.

In all this tall child is quite helpful on getting you to sleep.

Be it from means of holding you hostage to literally forcing some kind of melatonin down your throat, he's there to help you and is willing to go all night talking to you or take naps during the day.

What ever makes you feel the best he is willing to help you how ever he can.

Tubbo

He knows what it's like to have little bursts of insomnia but he cant imagines what it is like to have them constantly.

But he does keep an emergency stash for one of those nights were no matter what you have the energy drinks and coffee.

Water bottles, heated blankets for cold nights, thin blankets for hot nights, a large playlist to knock out for the night, and teas that dont have caffeine. But you dont know that.

Some teas were actually there to help you fall asleep.

He remembers falling asleep once and waking up to see you are still awake. You've been binge playing some games.

Streaming late in the night. He would try to stream as well but he would end before you did and fall asleep head on your lap.

"(Y/n) come and sleep it's late and I'm tired." Your chat low key told you to go to bed. The they started leaving and saying bye.

That's when you ended and laid in the bed with tubbo.

He is literally like a cat. He can touch you b it if you touch him he will punt you in the sky.

The only differance is when he's half asleep. Then he might give you a few hugs and lay in your lap.

The only time you really touch him is when you crash and fall asleep on his lap, chest, or shoulder.

"Imma sleep."

You fall into the closest part of him and you're out like a light.

Once your crashed it doesn't matter.

You once got a bloody nose because you whacked his shoulder.

Tubbo felt so bad.

But you felt worse because you got blood on his shirt.

He was more worried about your nose.

He told you how to make it up was to take a nap with him.

It was weird. Sleeping during to day then him forcing you to sleep at night too.

For once you got more sleep then four hours and it was thanks to tubbo.

Technoblade

Okay.

Hear me out.

He reads you to sleep and only sleeps when you sleep.

You're forced on his chest, a blanket weighted or not, and his body heat.

Just listening to him speak and the small rubbing on your back.

He's honestly the best when it comes to putting you to sleep.

He doesn't feel safe with sleeping when you arent.

He low key drags you away from the coffee, your games, when you stream he sets a timer and forces you to end so he can finish the book you two were reading.

It honestly started when you 'slept' over once.

The first night you were unable to sleep. Techno took a notice to this and on the second night he pulled you down and tossed a blanket over you.

You two spoke for hours and somehow you passed out to him telling you a story.

When he noticed this he got a book and decided that you two should try this.

When it worked slightly he continued it.

Doubt it was less then the recommended time he was still happy you were getting any sleep at all.

If by some medical you got tired when he was streaming he would maneuver around in the game not to die and you somehow get comfortable onto his lap and body.

You watch him not falling asleep for a ling time. And when you do he's ending stream and realizing he cant move because you're a light sleeper with insomnia.

She he sits there putting on some soft music as he starts humming and lightly rereading the first part of the book so you would stay asleep.

But last say nothing is working at all.

He lost his voice lightly, and you ended up getting the coffee and energy drinks.

You two were both up all night farming potatoes and carrots in minecraft.

He took a small nap but woke up when his potatoes were completely done.

You did mess with him and planted a few carrots in one of his farms.

You both drank alot of coffee and energy drinks to stay up for the rest of the day.

If you dont fully crash the next night techno will lightly read you to sleep.

"Did you know icarus, the kind with the wax wings knew that he was going to die. He embraced it to him it was a beauty." His voice made you fully relax and he literally rubs your back until you're fully asleep.

You two wouldnt have it any other way though.

Father! Philza

He knew from the instant he woke up you hadn't slept.

He saw the bags under your eyes and the many used coffee filters.

His house any minor cant drink energy drinks. But coffee is allowed.

He stayed up the next night listening in on your stream and watching you play a very bloody and gory game.

But he knew you weren't fazed.

He continued to listen in.

"You know. I havent been able to sleep lately. Honestly I dont know why." Your voice was soft and full of confusion.

"I mean there's nothing that's stopping me. My beds right behind me, everything freshly washed. But I just cant sleep." It seemed you chat was telling you to please sleep.

"Its not that I dont want to sleep chat. Believe me. I want too but my body wont let me. I've tried nearly everything. Rearranging my room, cleaning it, washing my covers, reading, not having electronics near my bed. But I sit up for hours." Phil knew what this was and how it felt. He had this when he was young.

So he donated, "try taking some melatonin, if that doesn't work well book you a doctors appointment for this." The automated voice spoke.

"Dad? What are you doing up so late. You should be asleep." You heard light footsteps. Then a small knock and the door opened.

Phil had just walked in, a pill in his hand.

"Chewable. Its strawberry." Moving you mic away you popped it into your mouth chewing lightly.

"I'm going to pull up your extra chair and stay here alright?" You gave a nod and continued on gears 3. Your chat was going crazy on hearing Phil's voice.

And as a faceless streamer it was so hard to not let your chat look at your father.

Sadly the melatonin didnt work and you went to co op campaign with your father.

You two were streaming all night. And Momza wasn't happy.

Phil was kind of tired and you looked kinda like death.

But when phil explained to her in private she understood and started to call you doctors office.

It was extremely lucky when she did. Cause someone just canceled their appointment at 5pm. And they were fully willing to squeeze you in.

Especially after the complaint.

Let's just say they gave you something to help you sleep. And surprisingly it worked.

You took it about 10 you passed out at 11. You were out cold.

You never did tell them that you were having this issue for almost a year. If they knew then they would have been very, and I mean very, upset.

When you told your stream about it they were happy you were getting a healthier amount of sleep.

And you can play your games a bit louder now. And with the help of tommy, wilbur, tubbo, or even your father.

I apologize if this isnt what you wanted with this ask but it's what I kind of gathered. Because my brain isnt the best with certain things.

But thank you for the request. And I am sorry it took so long. I'm just a bit slow at times. ;)

Hope that you enjoyed and have a nice day.

Eli out.

#techno x reader #mcyt x reader #tubbo x reader #ranboo x reader #mumza and dadza #dadza x reader

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raindancer2004 · 3 years

Text

Headcanon - On your period

Warnings: Fluff, mentions of blood

To say he panicked the first time you had a period after you moved in with him was understatement, after all his mate was bleeding; even if the blood didn’t smell ‘right’ to him.

Add the fact that you were curled up in a ball clutching your stomach didnt help the his panicked state either “Stupid stomach cramps” You murmured

You explained that you were on your period and that it’s a monthly occurrence. Demetri paled hearing that you had to endure this ‘ordeal’ regularly “My poor sweet girl, I can’t believe you have to suffer like this monthly” He kissed you and pulled you into his arms holding you close

Did someone say stomach cramps? – Demetri is right there beside you handing you painkillers and a glass of water.

He runs you a hot bubble bath and whilst you soak in the tub he fills your hot water bottle for you. Once you’re ready in clean clothes / pyjamas he then holds you in his arms as you hold the hot water bottle to your stomach

Cuddles with you on the sofa or in bed as you watch movies together, mainly rom coms or Disney as they always cheer you up

He ensures he has plenty of pain killers and heat pads for you, to be used as / when you needed them

He went online to learn about your menstrual cycle and to see if there was anything he could do to help you. He discovered that herbal teas have anti-inflammatory properties and antispasmodic compounds, therefore helping with stomach cramps. They also helped relieve stress and insomnia.

As a result of this research, he purchased a selection of herbal teas and makes you a few cups throughout the day or asks Gianna to do so, if he’s on Guard duty He swaps out your caffeinated coffee for a decaff option during this time too as per his online research.

He buys you your favourite snacks / chocolate as he read online that chocolate releases endorphins – the happy hormone – and he wants you to feel better during this terrible time

You find it rather sweet that he took the time to go online and research this subject just for you “You really are the best mate a girl could ever ask for” You say with a smile, before pulling him in for a loving kiss. He’s so happy right now, he holds you close and peppers your face with kisses and whispers “I love you” every so often

If / when you wake to find the bedsheets stained, you’re really embarrassed but Demetri brushes it off “It’s not a problem sweetheart, it’s bound to happen now and again” “But they’re like expensive Egyptian cotton sheets Dem” “I can always buy more if needed, now go freshen up” He says and kisses you. He then proceeds to change the bed linens whilst you shower and change in fresh clothes / pyjamas

He even goes to the store to buy you feminine products if you run low / out. He picks up a gift for you too, usually your favourite chocolate or flowers to cheer you up

The mood swings you have sometimes are definitely not something he likes, like you yell at him for absolutely nothing. He looks like a kicked puppy every time

Felix finds this amusing and teases him about his soft little human being ‘snappy’ with him “Don’t tell me the world’s most dangerous vampire is scared of a little human?” Felix teases his friend “She just snapped at me for no reason Fe. I swear her eyes darkened too” Felix just laughed at his friend

You apologise to him for being ‘snappy’ by running him a bath – you know he loves them. Extra bonus points if you use your favourite bath bombs as he loves how they smell. “I’m sorry for snapping Demi, it’s my stupid hormones. I love you so much” You kiss him and wrap your arms around him “It’s ok. I know you didn’t really mean it and I love you too” He kisses the top of your head

Other times he returns to your shared room to find you crying, usually it’s because you’ve watched a sad movie although sometimes you cry because you feel down. Either way expect LOTS of TLC “Stupid human hormones” You mumble as he holds you close

Pamper sessions with Jane and Heidi – Jane will paint your nails whilst Heidi gives you a facial. They sympathise with you and decide to cheer you up / distract you, something Demetri appreciates greatly

The difference in body temperature between you and Demetri is definitely a plus during the time of the month, seeing as you get hot at times and cuddling with Demetri helps cool you down, especially when he places a cold hand on your forehead as his other arm lays over your stomach holding you close

#demetri volturi #felix volturi #alec volturi #jane volturi #aro volturi #caius volturi #marcus volturi #demetri x reader #volturi #twilight #headcanon #heidi volturi

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draintheblood · 1 year

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u may have already tried this trick but before i was on my meds and trying not to rely on benadryl for my insomnia, i would do this thing where i would start at my toes and either say aloud or think "my toes are shutting down in 3...2...1..." and then i would move to the whole foot, then the ankle and the shins and so on and so forth. the smaller pieces u can break urself up into the better. even if i didnt end up sleeping id finally rid myself of the restless unable to get comfortable feeling id often have. i dont know if this is a common trick bc i cant remember where i learned it from but it helped me at least some of the time.

hi! thank u for the message and sorry for the late response. i've heard of this trick and ive tried it a few times but i always feel like i get distracted before i can do my whole body. maybe i will try again tho...

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angelicmichael · 3 years

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Oohh, could you do number 10 from the physical affection prompts? "Lifting someone up out of excitement"? Maybe a pregnancy announcement or love confession with whichever Cody guy you feel most inspired by?

A/N: sooo I decided to use duncan for this prompt since I've never written for him before!! Also, I like a challenge so.. I made this both a pregnancy announcement and love confession 👉🏻👈🏻 hope you dont mind!! I hope you enjoy this dear anon 💖. This is a bit long and plot heavy hehe

Waking up to extreme nausea was not how you had originally planned to spend last weekend. What was supposed to be a fun weekend with your friends.. and fuck buddy.. only ended in you becoming best friends with the toilet with one too many plans cancelled.

You hated being sick; but feeling sick and miserable and guilty at the same time was beyond overwhelming. Most of your friends forgave you and understood why you had to reschedule plans. However... your fuck buddy which went by the name 'Duncan' wasnt going to be so forgiving.

Not at first anyway; you knew he would come around eventually.. give or take a few days.

Although, Duncans opinion of you was not the only thing you were stressed out about lately. You also wanted to know why the fuck you got so sick so fast.

It wasnt flu season, you had no reason to be sick, it certainly was not food poisoning... There was only 'one' thing it could still be..

You could be fucking pregnant.

Being pregnant in itself was not something you dreaded; being a mother was something you always knew you wanted to be, and would be one day.

The problem of being pregnant here had to do with 'who' the father would be. And that would be none other than Duncan fucking Shepard.

You knew it was him; you hadn't had sex with anyone in months besides him. Plus.. you two weren't exactly the most careful either when it came to using protection. You knew deep down if you were really pregnant at all; it would have to be with his baby.

Although, things still werent as simple as they seem.

Again, you really had no doubt that Duncan would make a good father, it was just the circumstances you two were in currently that complicated things.

He didnt know you loved him. You two weren't official, you two just happened to be really good friends who, you know.. had sex.

You were nearly certain he didnt love you back, not in the way that you meant anyway. You knew instinctively that when he said 'I love you' to you that he meant it in a way that he would say to his friend or family.. That's probably all he saw you as anyway, just as a friend or family.

That thought made you sick if you started to think that's how you can duncan could end up forever unless you or him made a move. It was a thought that frequently plagued you and even gave you insomnia most nights.

Those thoughts of you and Duncans 'relationship' are what caused you to get a pregnancy test. You needed to know why the fuck you were sick, and if those thoughts about you and Duncan were rational or simply your anxiety attempting to manifest. And of course to your fucking demise, it was a positive test.

You first sat in shock; and then you did the most stupid thing you could think of - you called Duncan.

Of course you didnt outright tell him, you only told him that you needed to see him ASAP and that he needed to come over to see you.

That was about 20 minutes ago.

You awaited for him anxiously in your apartment; you sat on your bed - fully clothed with a bit of makeup splashed on your face in a attempt to look put together. You were absolutely terrified to even think about what the fuck was about to happen.

Your thoughts were racing as you sat in the dark. You didnt even bother turning on the lights; the blinds were drawn as well. Sitting in the dark was kind of comforting - it made everything feel less real.. As if you were dreaming. Although, the anxiety you still felt reminded you that you were in fact, still awake. You truly had no clue what kind of conversation you were about to have.

You didnt even jump when you heard the front door loudly pop open, you had given him one of the keys to your apartment. You listened diligently to his loud footsteps echoing in the living room, as he gradually grew closer and closer to your room. Then, the door opened as you inhaled.

Duncan looked distraught as he entered the room. His hair was slightly disheveled, his outfit looked slightly wrinkled as well. Overall, he looked put together but the longer you stared at him - the more apparent it was that he wasnt okay. He wasted no time in getting to you once he opened the door, it almost threw you off guard at how calm he looked.. something you weren't expecting. You nearly laughed at how out of character this was for Duncan.

"Hey, are you okay"? Duncan asked, speaking rather quickly.

You watched as Duncan hurriedly but cautiously approached you; sitting next to you on your bed.

"I- I mean, yeah I'm okay. I just wanted to see you". You (semi) smoothly lied, thinly smiling in a attempt to try to sell your poorly told lie.

He rolled his eyes and gave you a look as if he automatically knew you were giving him bullshit.

"(Y/n), I know your sick, baby. Just tell me the truth". He said.

Your heart leapt into your throat once you heard him call you the petname. Duncan definetly called you pet names before but it was a rare, once in a long time type of thing. However, it felt like to you that the fact he called you 'baby' only solidified what you knew you had to do.

You had to tell him.

He deserved to know; and you deserved to move on with your life or to attempt too.

"Duncan.. I.. I cant keep doing this anymore". You started, speaking slowly. Your words tumbled fast out of your mouth, knowing that Duncan was about to interrupt you any minute.

"I need you to decide whether you want to be fully committed to me, or to not be in my life at all. I dont really know how to say this but, I'm in a stage of my life where I cant 'fake' be with you, Duncan. I cant only be with you behind closed doors. That's just.. not going to work anymore". You said confidently.

Even though you sounded confident, you really felt quite the opposite. You had no idea what to expect of how he would react. What if he just left?? What if he didnt want to be with you, at all??

You held your breath as he continued to sit next to you; the silence almost deafening.

You looked over at Duncan, he studied his hands which were clasped together over his knees. He looked as if he wanted to speak but he couldnt get the words out... until he finally did break the silence.

"So, what are you suggesting? What are you trying to get at here, exactly"? He prompted. His voice was still slow and calm but he sounded slightly irritated and on edge. You couldnt blame him.

Your mouth grew dry as you shifted uncomfortably. You were thankful he responded but yet.. you now were the one at a loss for words.

"I'm suggesting that.. we should start dating. I cant keep doing this-" You started but Duncan made you ate your words as he interrupted you with a rough kiss.

You felt the world stop and almost turn into slow motion as you really started to melt into the kiss. You let your previous anxiety inducing thoughts melt away the longer you two kissed, as you focused on being present in the moment.

After Duncan slowly and begrudgingly pulled away from you, you two sat in silence for a couple seconds.

"So that's why your acting like this"? Duncan asked with a sly smirk.

You swore it was as if he already knew the answer, yet chose to ask you anyway just to be a smartass.

"So.. you actually want to date me?? Your know what your agreeing too, right"? You said, partially teasing and.. actually being serious.

"(Y/n), do you really think I would be talking to you this long if I had no interest in you? Of course I want to date you, what kind of question is that"?! Duncan retorted playfully with a quiet chuckle.

You grinned, letting out a shallow laugh with the realization that the biggest news still remained untold; a deep pit felt like it resided in your stomach.

You weren't quite out of the woods yet.

In order to help relieve your anxiety, you suddenly stood up off your bed. You paced around your room, running a hand shakily through your hair.

"I still have to tell you something". You admitted, your back turned to him.

There was no way you could even fathom making eye contact with him now. To your horror, you could hear your bed gently squeak as you could only guess as he stood up.

By the time you felt his hand on your shoulder, it was too late to even hear his footsteps. You jumped and turned around with a sharp inhale - to your surprise, nearly chest to chest with the main himself.

Duncan.

"What are you trying to hide for, hm"? He said teasingly.

He moved his face closer to yours; his lips *so* close to yours. The corner of your mouth upturned in a small closed mouth smile.

You uttered a quick, "I'm not". As you stole a quick kiss.

You anxiously took a few paces back. Taking a deep breath before whipping around and making eye contact on a sudden spurt of courage you felt.

"I'm pregnant, Duncan". You spoke.

You felt almost as if you were dreaming when you saw his reaction, he was fucking smiling. Was he actually fucking happy?!

You stood there frozen as he quickly approached you and gently held your waist. Before you could even comprehend or really even complain of what was happening - you felt him gently lift you up and give you a quick spin before landing you back down safely on your feet.

Duncans smile was infectious; before you knew it you were grinning and laughing along with him.

Any doubt you previously had immeadietly disintigrated and was replaced with hope and joy. You knew Duncan was going to make the best father, and that you two only had your lives ahead of you.

Taglist: @mina672 @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakewaterxx @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @beyond-repentance

#i hope i wrote duncan in character 😭#also let me know if u wanna be on the taglist!!#i wrote this about a week ago.. in the span of like 2 days lmao #ive litealy never wrote that fast EVER haha #also a fun fact: i 'probably' had covid when i wrote this dhdhd so.. if things dont make sense im blaming it on covid brain #duncan x reader #duncan shepherd x reader #hoc #house of cards #fanfiction #duncan shepherd #my fic #my works

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