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#my journal

btw i really wanted to thank the whole teacher crush community on tumblr,,

a few years ago when i had my first tc i found so much support over here, on a different blog

I felt so understood

i know people consider it all as cringe but tbh it was one of the happiest times in my life, and it wouldn’t have been as nice if i had had to go through it alone

i love tumblr, i love u all

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update on my chubby face: i lost some weight and now i actually like it,, for the first time ever i tied up my hair rather than let it cover my cheeks as much as possible and i must say it felt so nice!! to not be ashamed!! yay!

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I practice for more than 10 years already, and, honestly, if I were to give one (1) most useful piece of advice about the way I do my spellwork, I’d say that for getting the desired outcome, preparation and planning for the spellcasting is just as important as the actual ritual, because the preparation is already a part of the spellcasting. You’re already working on the manifestation of your desired outcome when you’re simply drafting and preparing, because you begin to think about it and focus on it.

Don’t neglect the drafring and preparation if you really want the spell to be powerful enough to shift the reality. 

Spend some time just making a draft of the spell in your journal. Divide the page on individual aspects of your desired result. For each, write all your ideas, possible correspondences, any things that you think might help with this certain aspect of your desired result (”make things faster = fire?? burnt matches? clock hands???” or “new job means new beginings, so should definitely cast it on the new moon. check the day of the week correspondence later. dont forget to use tarot imagery, the fool definitely will come handy”, etc). 

Be as messy as you want, it doesn’t matter, because, again, by focusing and preparing for the cast you’re already doing the half of the work.  

Carefully and mindfully preparing for a spell alone usually provides, like, 50% of the desired result for me. 

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two years ago, panic attacks were insufferable.

but tonight i realized just how much life has changed. you dont care that its past midnight. you call me to talk me through it.

you stay.

you stay.

you stay.

by 1 a.m., we are having the time of our lives just goofing around. we laugh about the dumbest things and daydream about the pretty things.

you stay.

you stay.

you stay.

now its 2 a.m. and we’re getting deep. we’re talkinng about our parallel selves and what we hope for them. we talk about what we want for our futures and it leads us to 3

you stay.

you stay.

you stay.

by 3 a.m. we are talking about our future together. i say i want to say the vows from corpse bride and you’ve never seen the movie. we talk about what pets we want and i find the irony of my spider fearing love wanting a pet tarantula. we talk about my mother’s wedding dress and how i will probably wear it at mine. and you say i can give it to our kid but is our kid gonna fit into a 5'4 dress when you’re so much taller?

you stay.

you stay.

you stay.

conversation dies down by 4. we are both drifting away into our sleep. i cuddle into my blankets and whisper i love you and you say i love you too. and

you stay.

you stay.

you stay.

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I want to bind you up in bubble wrap

And fix your heart with glue

Drain out all your feelings

Then replace myself with you

I want to fix your mind with tape

And cut away your soul

Then bandage up your broken bits

Until my heart feels whole

-Cecily Grace

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Yesterday I did a lot of cleaning and I’m glad I had a distraction because again I managed to not binge eat. I stayed at 1,390 calories. Was tempted near the end to eat no extra but went to bed instead. I woke up today at 4:30 a.m. and decided to test out my new Ohuhu markers that were delivered to me yesterday and they’re fantastic so I’m going to see if I can draw something today and post it here all colored up later. Hope everyone’s morning goes well.

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small compliments really make me feel good about my drawings. like i get the way i do hair is so nice and clean lines. it’s nice because sometimes you’re not aware of what you do until someone points it out.

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Sometime after seeing Coco, my brother and I decided to try out a Mexican restaurant (I had, by that point, tried out some cheap churros, and wanted to know if the more expensive ones will taste any better). The food wasn’t exactly to my liking (now I know I don’t like it when corn is the dominant flavor), but the restaurant had a collection of books on Mexico for customers to read. Among them I found “Meksykańskie ABC” (“The Mexican ABC”) by Maria Sten and Irena Kisielewska from 1977. I read a chapter dedicated to women. What I learned that day became the foundation for the character of Alma – my version of Luisa Rivera’s mother.

Oh, and I also discovered that I prefer my churros with caramel sauce than the chocolate sauce ^_^.

On a side note, I later acquired another book by Maria Sten, in which she described how the traditional Nahuatl theatre gradually merged with the European theatre. It was a good read.

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So I haven’t talked about my paras and that’s because most of them weren’t created from my imagination. Only a few are. Most of them are celebrities. It’s a funny story on how that started but I’ll get into it later. My main paras are Sabrina Carpenter and Jennifer Lawrence.

I’m not gonna lie I feel slightly embarrassed saying it. They comfort me though and in fact have saved my life both by being in my daydreams and saving me with their films and Sabrina with her music. If you guys want to share your paras you are free to do so. This is a safe place.

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Internet: “Black Lives Matter!”

Me: “Of course Black Lives Matter!”

Internet: “It is part of the BlackLivesMatter program to Destroy the nuclear family.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Internet: “Black Lives Matter is a political movement as well, with the funds going to support the democratic party. Not everyone who values black lives is a democrat.”

Me: “…?”

Internet: “The BLM protests, which led to a lot of vandalism, have made racism much worse. The white liberals that are working with BLM don’t have to deal with the damage they cause to the black community.”

Me: “…why does this have to be so complicated? There shouldn’t be any negative connotations to wanting to support your fellow human beings. My White, ignorant, autistic brain is confused.”

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food log 10/14/2020

breakfast: sausage egg & cheese croissant

lunch: left over cabbage, ground turkey, carrots, onions, peppers, celery, and mushroom soup

dinner: salad w cucumbers, peppers, onions & sautéed chicken

drinks: water & sugar free peach iced tea

exercise: 2 mile hike, then another 1.5 miles of random walking so 3.5 miles in total , 8100 steps.

my cat went into labor tonight and has only given birth to one kitten which was at 9:57. it’s now 1:37 and she still hasn’t had another even though i feel them moving around in her stomach.she freaks out if i leave her side though 🥺 my poor baby girl..i’m praying that she’ll have at least 1 more baby by the time i wake up for work in 4 hours. 🤞🏻

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