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sweetobseesion · 2 years

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WHY THE AUDIENCE FAILED TO UNDERSTAND HAE SOO: PART 1

*If u do not agree with my views on Hae Soo and think that she’s undeserving or not well written character , I hope you can still read this post .This is a post that is meant to analyse Hae Soo and defend her. I’m writing this based on my personal observations after seeing so much hatred and vicious name-calling against her character, so it will be a bit emotionally charged.

In part one, I will analyse the audience expectations for her character with a detailed look into the circumstances and her position in the drama to give better insight into her choices.And in part two, I might delve into analaysing her as a character

Out of every single post I’ve ever read written about Moonlovers, from the absolutely cynical to the intense emotional ones, they all seem to have one thing in common: A disdain and displeasure towards Hae Soo for seemingly not living up to their expectations: being weak, too kind, not cunning enough, being undeserving of the male leads and not “loving” or “understanding" of the male leads. I suppose the above-mentioned reasons are enough to hint to explain why I’m writing this post. Thee are so many expectations that she has been placed with that she cannot satisfy all of them, at least without breaking character consistency.

To understand where these expectations come from I think people need to look deeper into the stories and media we consume. I think if when examined, it will become apparent that most stories are set up around this epic battle that the leads are supposed to win. I believe by seeing stories like this through and through audiences easily root whoever they think are likely to come out on the winning side. The other supplementary characters are always decided if they are “good” or “bad” if they are on the heroes’ side. But the thing is, the whole story of the hero and journey to success is always skewed towards his perspective, and since he’s the winner he’s always painted as the good person. He's painted to be too good to the point that they sometimes lack flaws. The plot sometimes is designed to let them get away with anything and they always have the best lines, best timing, best entrance etc..just to get the audience to root for them.

In regards to moon lovers, in the beginning, it was touted as a show that this was a show about the fight for the throne where one would emerge the winner: The one who has it all. And Hae Soo a modern woman from the twenty-first century gets thrown into it, without a choice or resolution.

The reason I’m bringing that up is that there’s little true analysis and efforts to understand her perspective underneath and I find that it contributes to more misunderstandings of her character.

Back to my point about stories making you root for winners or those who “ potentially” seem like they have it under control, who’d win. They’re relatable and easy to root for, and do not require deep thoughts on in-depth analysis on why they make the choices they make. It’s easy entertainment.

But moon lovers is not easy entertainment. It’s a show that requires you to take a step back and look at the circumstances of each and every minor character, to fully understand the motive of their actions, as it easily spells it out like most kdramas do.

So, when one takes a step back, lets go of their anger, and takes a look at her circumstances, they realise that her actions actually make a lot of sense. Hae Soo or Ha Jin is a modern woman stuck in the tenth century and she is out there, without her consent. A lot of people call her dumb and ditzy for her antics when she first arrives in Goryeo.

But the thing is, in the case of transmigration, no Modern person will adapt to it as easily , because let’s face it, any Modern person that transmigrates back in history will have trouble adapting into those times, and they will make mistakes and they will have a hard time adapting.

No matter how smart they are, they will not appear as smart or reasonable to the people of that era, because to them their ideas wouldn’t make sense.

. This is why when Hae Soo makes mistakes by the count, it’s not unnatural or “dumb”, it’s the most realistic reaction anyone who got transported to an era thousands of years back will have. Her making mistakes is natural and is a very realistic depiction.

She tries to adjust by observing and make her time in Goryeo worthwhile by developing authentic human relationships and finding a hobby that she can develop. Which is fair enough and not a bad strategy for trying to fit in. Since the beginning she has trouble fitting in because she hasn’t grasped the social sanctions of that time, we find that she treats the experience with a sense of curiosity and fascination, which also in my opinion is quite accurate for a person who’s travelled back in time. People get frustrated yes, but the thing is for one to adjust to its surroundings they should get comfortable with it.

She takes in her Cousin’s advice and tries to fit in, finds a hobby and tries to adapt her passion for cosmetics in Goryeo society. She never intends to hurt her cousin in any way but she finds herself getting attracted to Wook because he seems kind, safe and trustworthy. She doesn’t have anyone to depend on and he seems very dependable and eager to help her settle in. Wook is very attracted to her because she seems very different from the women around him and she is very carefree and cheerful, which excites him and intrigues him.

Many people blame Hae Soo for hurting Myung Hee, but the thing is unlike Soo, Wook actually understands the social sanctions of his time and knows about his wife’s feelings very well. He knows how it affects him and he proceeds with it anyway. And he does know how dangerous it is for Hae Soo. While Hae Soo doesn’t know how dangerous it is for her reputation, she only avoids it to not hurt her cousin. The people around Hae Soo rarely give her good advice on how to deal with life in Goryeo and more focus ed on what she can offer and how she can cheer them up or play with them. Only Myung Hee cares about her as a person and for her safety.

The Princes that care for her do try to help her, but what they all do create more problems for her. They are happy to be entertained by her and play with her, but when it comes to helping her they are powerless. In some cases, where they do try to help, it always ends up backfiring and they end up digging up their own grave and in those cases, Hae Soo ends up taking the bullet for both herself and the princes. This is very clearly demonstrated when she was to be married off to the king. The princes try to help her but end up angering the king and she has to cut off her wrist to save both herself and the princes.

Notice how the King immediately forgets his anger at the princes and all the focus shifts to Hae Soo, who’s being blamed for the whole ordeal. And what’s worse is that is SHE IS WILLING TO PAY THE PRICE. This is a very important element of her character and I believe it is basically the reason why she was bought to Goryeo. So that she could be easily used and exploited. Whoever or whatever it was that brought her here, brought her here so that she could be used to influence and made to take responsibility that she is not responsible for. It/They know that Hae Soo is not the type to seek vengeance or develop greed at any given moment. A slight tug at her guilty conscience and she stops herself from doing anything she set out to do. And this sets up her circumstances and explains her actions throughout the show.

Unlike her Chinese Counterpart Ruoxi, Hae Soo is not allowed complete control of the scene and she is not given the privilege of being involved in politics and certain luxuries that Ruoxi was given. In the Cdrama, people listened to Ruoxi and took her input on many things and right from the beginning, many characters willingly gave her agency that its clear the plot is set up for her to shine. Her character is technically written to give her spotlight in many scenes and she easily fits into the “Strong female lead”. But Hae Soo on the other hand is shut down the moment she enters the Palace. Everyone from the King, Court Lady Oh to Yeonhwa is keen on reminding her to “Know her place” and focus on being a servant and to stay away from the Princes.

People expect her to change, to become the woman that can survive the throne politics and model herself around it so that she could become “queen” material and live happily with Wang So. But the thing is, to see why she never became ‘queen”, instead of solely judging her and hating her, one needs to look at her circumstance, her personality and the situations she was put in to get the full idea.

From the beginning, her life in the Palace was fraught with disasters. The only thing is unlike Wang So, she did not get all gloomy or complain about her hard her life is. Since she always is so positive, people often overlook the struggles she went through. All she wanted was a peaceful life, different from the life she’s led before and she wants to do it her own way, with independence and freedom.

The thing is the audience love to criticise her for not ‘having ambition’ but the thing is she cannot have ambition like the Royals do, precisely because, at the end of the day, she is not a Royal. She cannot openly scheme and show greed because if she did, her position will only become much worse. She will only be in even more danger if she vies for the throne while being close to the Princes while at the position of a servant. Besides, this is not a drama that is set in modern times where she can be all arrogant and sassy as she likes. If she were to act arrogant around people like Yeonhwa and Queen Yoo , then she is just giving them a reason to punish her as she lives in a time where I can be executed for offending a royal.

The entire drama goes on to Prove that the game of thrones is very much a royal game where only the Royals involved in the schemes tend to gain something.Every other servant (Chaeryung, lady that Yeonhwa bribed ) or clan member (Eun's family ) stand to lose everything by being affiliated with them and gain very little.

Bottom line is , when it comes to the choosing of a Queen, individual attributes do not matter as much as the birth status of a person (as in clan backing)which constitutes the main criteria for Queen selection because it guarantees troops and staus during emergency and power in court. It’s not just eliminating enemies at hand and taking the throne for herself. Because even if she were to become evil and eliminate Yeonhwa and Yo, she still wouldn’t be qualified to be Queen because she lost the backing of her clan when she refused Taejo and doesn’t have any other clan backing her up.

The only way she would have a fair chance at politics and become “queen material” is if she had agreed to marry Taejo and pulled a Wu Zetian, marrying his sons after his death. But then it would be a completely different drama, not to mention, it would totally distort Goryeo history.

It’s very clear that Hae Soo is put in a very dangerous and suffocating position and she has to fight for the little freedom that she can afford. Add complicated relationships and trauma on top of that, and the list is complete. The People around Hae Soo want her to play various different roles that suit them.

Besides, I highly doubt a romance of what would basically be an illicit affair between stepmom and stepson would be digestible because that's what it would be had she married Taejo.

Hae Soo& The people around her

In the show majority of the decisions she makes and the circumstances she ends up with can be directly linked to the people she cares about. As mentioned above, given her character, she always ends up taking the bullet for both herself and the princes, but her relationship with the princes is the sole reason why she gets bullied and framed.

Because of her relationship with the princes, all the forces in the palace manoeuvre against her starting from King Taejo, who deliberately kept trying to separate her from the princes. Queen Yoo, who kept trying to extort information from her, Wang Yo who used her and people like Yeonhwa, who saw her as a threat from the get-go.

But the relationship she has with each prince influences her and affects her differently.

The Princes are still very keen on maintaining a relationship that they used to have, while people like Queen Yoo are keen on using her as bait and extorting information from her, precisely due to her relationship with the Princes. While being close with the Princes does earn her some favours, it also puts her in danger and she easily becomes the target of bullying by her fellow Court Ladies.

Willingly ,she tries to help everyone and live for others. She thinks as long as she is kind, the world too will be kind to her. But inside the Palace, where everyone is out to get each other, her kindness makes her out to be the scapegoat more than anything else.

But to top that, her closeness with each prince makes her more vulnerable and stressed because each prince have their own expectations for and the role they wished her to fill. Eun, Baek Ah and Jung wanted her to play a friend, Wook wanted her to be a lover, So wanted her to be a confidante and the crown prince wanted her to cure him. And she had to balance all of it besides being a court lady.

So, to stay closer to them should she have been more ruthless? The answer is more complicated than it seems, but I think there’s more it than what appears and I think to look into why Hae Soo cannot say no to them and be ruthless, we need to look into her social standing.

Ha Soo's Position as a court lady

Like I've mentioned before, Hae Soo's chances of becoming Queen are affected by her being demoted to court lady and all it took to become a queen in those times, is to be the daughter of an influential family. It doesn't matter if she's cunning, beautiful or dumb, if her family is powerful, she can marry into the Royal family. But now that she's a court lady, she cannot marry into them and for worse, she is now their servant. What’s way Worse is, she's a servant who has powerful enemies and lovers who can not help her in any way.

If she were to scheme, like the others suggest, she has to be very alone in it because her Princes can not help her. Remember how they reacted when she was kneeling? Even Wang So can only do so much because even he has to remain in good graces with the king. She was and still is spied upon by many people, all of whom were eagerly watching her every move so it will not be easy for her to simply plot and frame someone. Because at the end of the day, to plot or scheme, you must have a powerful family and a title to back you up.

Notice that all the great schemers in the series are powerful, with a powerful family or person to support and protect them. And it’s important to take into context that Queen Yoo, Yeonhwa, Wook are all people of power, who have nothing but endless free time to sip tea, sit at the library and devote it all to their schemes.And if caught, they will never be properly punished because “reputation of the royal family”. At worse, they'll face an exile.

But Soo gets framed and she is tortured before people can confirm her part in the crime. And though there's little evidence, she is still sent to be executed.

But other than the precarious position she is in, unlike the royals she doesn't have time in her hands, because again, she is a court lady. And as a court lady, she is to fulfil tasks and duties every day and tend to the demands of those living in the palace.

The audience seems to have an extreme expectation of her but I don't blame them. After all, it's hard for them to grasp the reality of the situation because it isn't spelt out. But at the end of the day, there's only so much she can do. No one can balance the duties of being a court lady, fill the expectations of being the most devoted passionate lover while remaining an ingenious schemer who plots to end her enemies. No one has the energy, time or thinking ability to do so.

Queen Yoo and Yeonhwa can scheme so well because they have nothing but time to devote themselves to it. They live a pampered life where their every need is catered to by servants. Hence, they can dedicate all their time and energy to scheming effortlessly.

But Hae Soo already has a lot going on her plate than any other character on the show. She is a modern person stuck in medieval times, a court lady stuck between multiple princes, a court lady caught in schemes of people above her, stuck helplessly in love with people she cannot be with. Yeah, it's safe to say what she's essentially playing here is a losing game. It's a game she cannot win, nor is it a game that allows her to make any moves. Because unlike what most viewers, including myself, assumed in the beginning, things would not have changed if she became more "ruthless".

Hae Soo's position in the game of thrones

As mentioned above, her position in the game of thrones cannot be through an official position. She cannot scheme and bribe servants easily like the royals do, because, at the end of the day, she herself is a servant. From the position of a servant, she can only influence others and give her words and advice. The closest she can ever get to being a member of the Royal family is if she settles into being one of the many women of the King. She cannot become queen and she does not have the power to be a major player in schemes.

But besides that, I have to emphasise the fact she is someone who's already been framed multiple times before with spies around the corner, watching her every move. She has been a target and she still is a target under the eyes of many and is still being closely watched. So if she were to continue to stay in the palace or resort to scheming and come up with ideas and plots to destroy others what it means is, she has far fewer chances to get away with it than others. And if she were to be caught she would be subjected to far harsher punishments than the others, because she doesn't have the power or privilege to allow her to get away with it. She has far better chances of getting caught than getting away with it, and in the most realistic scenario she would just end up supplying her enemies with what they'd been hoping from her all this time: a legit reason to punish her and kick her out of the palace.

So for her , the question of what can she do is really a question of what is allowed to do with little power and freedom she is afforded. She doesn't have the power or privilege, nor does she have the freedom to pursue her own selfish desires out of her own free will like the others in the drama. Though moonlovers is a love story and drama of political intrigue, it doesn't forget the class and unequal social structure of it times and all the characters in the show either benefit from it or are affected by it. While Queen Yoo and Yeonhwa benefit from this unequal, patriarchal system that allows them to get away with it while avoiding suspicion, Soo and Court lady Oh live a life where they keep getting crushed under it. The affection they receive from the King makes them a target of the Palace women and servants alike, while affecting their reputation and making them an easy target of many. They cannot scheme when they barely have any power to protect themselves.

So the best they could do is stay relatively calm, grounded and safe while they stick to their convictions and choices. And that's exactly what Soo does, she stays calm and grounded while sticking to her convictions and choices. She never pressures anyone to doing anything and she never compromises herself in any situation. She only ever comes close to scheming and supporting someone when it comes to So, and she does it out of love.

Hae Soo the empathetic mediator

Out of everything Hae Soo has been through, being the mediator between the princes influenced her life and position the most. It was definitely a decision she made on her own accord, but it was definitely the reason she was bought all the way from the future to this place to meditate and serve as the catalyst for the things that are about to happen.

Her empathy sets her apart from the rest of the characters. Many complain about her lack of a backbone to pursue her own selfish desires, but in my opinion, I think the position she was placed in and her instinct to help and assist others contributed to the very illness that ate her sense of self and her health away. Unlike what most others think, it's not that she lacks an indomitable spirit or a sense of judgement and practicality, it's just that position she was placed on consumed her and destroyed the fiery and free spirit that she once possessed. That is why in the later parts of the drama she appears to be weak, unresponsive and almost characterless.

The weight of her position and the constant unrelenting demands it took coupled with the guilt and trauma and the blame that was always placed on her put her in a state of emotional numbness and withdrawal. I've seen people use this state of her being to cite or argue about how useless or weak she is as a character. The thing is, this is basically a trauma response to everything she's experienced in the palace. From the heartbreak, loss, bullying, torture to the constant pressure she has to face living every day in the palace, it's clear that it has taken a toll on her, causing her to burn out and break down. The weight of the burdens she has to carry is boundless, as since she is the mediator, she also has to carry the emotional burdens of others she cares about, causing her to pent up frustration to the point it becomes a life-threatening illness.

This is what Court lady Oh meant when she asked Soo if she could survive between two princes. Because being a mediator is essentially being the rope that is used in a tug of war between the princes, and she can never properly pick a side or a stance without facing the pull or force from the other side. When she picks So's side, Wook and Jung accuse her of favouritism, when she picks Jung and Wook's side So accuses her of, you guessed it, favouritism. But when she refuses to pick a side, she gets accused of not picking a side. It's pretty clear that whatever she does or chooses, she will always face consequences. For her, there are very few benefits to reap and little to gain. At the end of the day, no one can truly understand the pressure and precarious position she is in because they only see her from the outside. Her struggle is more psychological and internal. Unfortunately, this affects the relationships she has with the princes, most notably with So and Wook, as both of them perceive her mediator status as an act of betrayal.

Hae Soo the victim of royal greed and hypocricy

As I mentioned before, Hae Soo was brought her to accomplish something that people in Goryeo could not achieve. I mentioned how she's been bought here to be exploited and used. The thing is, as a modern soul involved in medieval court politics, her end was always destined to be tragic. There's a scene in ep 18 Jimong says this.

What he's essentially saying is this : Your selfishness will be the cost of everything that follows because of it.

So basically, according to Jimong, Hae Soo cannot afford to be selfish.

But the thing is, she is never acknowledged for her selfless efforts either and has nothing to gain from that too. So, she cannot be selfish but will gain nothing if she sacrifices herself for a bigger purpose.So at the end of the day, her choice is between what has the least tragic outcomes.

Based on what I've said above, from her position as a court lady to her role as a mediator, it is clear that she will never have the benefits and the privileges that other characters in the show might have most because, at the end of the day, she is a fish out of water. No one asks Yeonhwa, Yo or even So to be less selfish and "give up on things. Instead, they are encouraged to pursue their selfish interests.

But people will also never acknowledge her efforts or empathise with her struggle because doing so hurts their pride and exposes their mistreatment towards her. The people I'm referring to are of course the royals, who are keen to blame her and accuse her as the reason of everything that has happened in the palace. In both cases, both Jimong and the Royals hold her to a moral standard that they don't hold themselves to. Yeonhwa easily accuses her of warning her brother and betraying him while she literally did the same thing in a calculated manner while being fully self-aware and choosing that path. Yo willingly schemed, belittled and killed his brothers but blamed her for fixing Wang So's scar. They clearly made their own choices but they refuse to face the consequences for it. And each time it's always Hae Soo that is forced to bear the brunt of it.

And whenever she does something worthwhile it's always treated with envy and suspicion. Primarily, because the fact that a court lady is moving the palace is a threat to the social hierarchy in itself. But the fact that her mere presence and involvement in things forces them to grapple with the truth and the consequences they refuse to face is enough of a threat. So of course, they resort to blaming and lashing out at her because it's the easier thing to do.

And hence, as long as she lives in the Palace, she will fall victim to the double standards placed on her, while being constantly asked to give up things and do the maximum for the people who constantly abuse her. She will always live a life where she falls victim to the greed and hypocrisy of the royal family.

Even if she chose a more selfish and scheming life, besides being held accountable and poweless, she will probably be held to harsher standards than the others and will be blamed and punished.

This is why I think it's better for her to be selfless because while she gains nothing, she at least has a clean record. And her enemies don't have much ammunition left.

Going back to the discussion of "why the audience failed to understand her", I will say that this is not an attack or criticism against anyone of a different opinion. It's certainly a bit emotionally charged and is the result of my exasperation with the amount hate her character gets on the internet.

The thing is, her character is complex but she is not difficult to understand.To understand her character you just need to try to see things from her perspective, but as I was skimming and reading through way too many pages and blog posts dedicated to Hae Soo on the internet, I found that there were many who designated her character to be too "weak" or too "dumb" without even giving her the benefit of the doubt. The reason for titiling this post on how the "audience failed to understand her" is to analyse why many still refuse to give her the benefit of the doubt.

As I've mentioned above, most of the stories we see on screen is geared around rooting for the character who succeeds or "wins".

In those stories, there’s usually an objective and an obstacle, and the plot revolves around how the leads overcome them and “win”. They are usually given traits that are positive and make them “likable”.Especially if it’s a female character, there’s always a love line involved, which leads them to be put under the microscope and be judged for both the love line and the way they overcome the obstacles, thus having a double standard of judgement and perfection imposed on them. The bottom line is, a female character is only considered to be a “strong female lead” if she wins against the odds and achieves both love and power.

There’s this underlying expectation that asks them to play this role of a feminine, supportive lover in love and this practical, hard-headed ruthless pursuer of goals/ambition together all at once.And if the character ends up losing one of those or both, she’s quickly labelled a damsel in distress or a “weak character”.It’s like to be a “strong female lead” you have to win on both counts.But the thing is, this specific requirement , besides narrowing down the possibilities of exploring more complex characterisation, also makes it impossible for these characters to be vulnerable or flawed. Because their “strength” is linked their ability to achieve and remain undefeated.

And this pursuit of extreme perfection on both counts turns into this sort of trope and cliche and it leads to the audience having a bunch of expectations and fixed idealisms of how a “strong woman” should be, which is essentially the opposite of “weakness”. But the thing is, the concept of strength and weakness is quite abstract to begin with, and there's different strengths and weaknesses and there are different definitions and different measures of it.

But the truth is , years of commercialisation of this strong female lead trope has also led to the strong female persona becoming a trope. Usually a "strong female lead" without much substance is simply written to win and overcome a certain obstacle. She is usually "not like other girls" and is not into the typical feminine stuff, she is headstrong and brave , and is smart enough to save herself and throw in a smart punchline here and there.Besides, she very likely checks all the boxes that is considered attractive and "interesting" ,be it being funny or ambitious. What she doesn't have however is any noticeable character flaw or depth and contradictions that you would find in a real person. And though this is apparent , people find it easy to root for her because she ends up winning in the end.

The problem with these expectations, it sets a precedent in stone. Both for how characters behave in the story and how female characters are viewed in general. There's this expectation for female characters to fit into either of these two dichotomies: Either the '"strong female lead" or the naive "girl next door/damsel in distress".

This is why when characters like Hae Soo, people are so divided and she ends up being so misunderstood, with a pile of hate along her way. Hae Soo at her core is a complex individual who fits both into the definition of a strong female lead and the damsel in distress.Sure,she may not be your typical determined ,smart mouthed and organised who's effortlessly intelligent and always wins but at she's not the pliable, uncharacteristic predictable female lead who's purely a reactive figure dependent on other characters and circumstances to drive the plot and save her either.

In essence, she is a complex character with noticeable flaws, that technically posses traits of both "damsel in distress" and " strong female lead" as she's written to be real person than to fit into a wish fulfilling trope.Years of commercialisation and creating "girl boss" characters has sort of given more legitimacy to these strong female characters and have led to the assumption that these characters are infact, the true blueprint for more strong female characters to come.

However, it should be noted that this glorification of the unbeatable women is grounded in trivializing femininity and feminine traits and internalized misogyny. It focuses on simply defeating everything and becoming "stronger" , which has often allowed writers to simply write off any traumatic incident ,(be it muder, childhood trauma or most famously,sexual assault) the character goes through as some sort of initiation process they go through in order to become “stronger”.

If I were to give the audience the benefit of the doubt, there certainly should've been more than twenty episodes to explore the nuance of every character they want.

However, when it comes to analysing characters , it is also essential to take their circumstances into context. A lot of hate towards Hae Soo or other female characters in popular culture always is the result of people attempting to either put female characters into boxes or judge them based on their actions rather attempting to understand their position and perspective.

I'm not sure if its the result of internalized misogyny or the commonality of cliches and tropes in popular culture (or both) but what i've noticed is people love to put female charecters into boxes and then they hate\judge them for it.

And besides being written to fit into boxes, she is almost always written to be likable and wish fulfilling within the limits of that said trope. A good girl must be good but not too boring, a bad girl must be interesting but not crazy and smart girl must be smart but not too smart than the other characters in the show. And they must always have a love interest that they prove that they are always capable of being a loving partner. In case they dont have such a love interest, they will very likely be a side character.Without much change, for quite long, female characters on screen have always been judged and narrowly defined by their romantic pursuits and the “type” of female character they are written to be.

Also, a lot of hate towards Hae Soo also comes from the widely popular notion that she wasn’t a “good enough” partner to Wang So and blaming her for literally everything that happened in the game of thrones even though many characters are far more corrupt and complicit in the tragic outcomes of the power struggle. I believe this is because , besides not being the ideal romantic partner that stays together with the man she loves , she is also not the female character that the audience can vicariously live through to experience and express their love towards their favourite male lead. Sometimes when people like a male character too much , they put their expectations on the female characters to give them a romantic fantasy which involves her reacting to the male lead character exactly the way they would react. This is why many people complain about “not being able to understand her”.

Personally, this is why I find a character like Hae Soo to be so refreshing and likeable. To be contradictory, rather than a female character who is perfect, I quite like the idea of female character who is flawed and vulnerable. A female character who is not solely defined by an agenda or relationship, but has both of those and is complex , flawed , vulnerable and authentic is more definitive of well written , fully fleshed out character who makes her own choices, with or without regards to popular opinion.

Rather than a character who is behind her times , I think she is ahead. A lot of the hate besides internalised misogyny , biased expectations and the constant categorisation of female characters comes from the fact that she is not written to be wish-fulfilling character. A major expectation that contributes to the skewed /biased writing of female characters is the wish fulfilment attached to their likability/worth.

People expect female characters to fulfill atleast one of their wishes, be it winning or romance. A female character (like Hae Soo) who doesn’t win or achieve a happy ending is instantly casted of as worthless or “bad writing “. To them she is not a capable heroine simply because she is not worth rooting for.

This however begs the question that while she may not worth rooting for , is she however , worth the sympathy ? The reason I’ve written this tediously long post examining the circumstances that stopped her from getting what she deserved and analysing the various reasons that led to the audience hating on her hard is that when looking at many posts commenting on her character is that a lot of them fixated on hating on her without giving even the slightest benefit of the doubt. Not many posts that were critical of her tried to understand her character or circumstances and that is the thing that got me thinking .

I guess in a way it's a question of why character likability and their sympathetic outlook go hand in hand, especially for a female character, in order to gain sympathy they must be liked. Unlikable female characters are often targets for misogyny and vitriol , and it's that since they're unlikable, they can't be sympathized with.

But the thing is , unlikablity isn't limited to a particular definition. A character can be branded as unlikable under various circumstances. And sometimes it can be just that they don't act or react and make a choice that's not fan favourite, be it in romance or winning. Especially if that choice is self destructive, then it has a less chance of being forgiven,most notably in female characters. At the end of the day ,It's absolute truth that self destructive male characters will easily be forgiven more than female characters.Especially put in a romantic context with a fan favourite male lead .

This in my mind , poses as a dilemma because while I've heard people say it's up to the writer to properly flesh out a character, I think it's very likely that tropes and prejudices that we've been socialised into internalizing do influence the interpretation of characters and cause a widely different interpretations than intended.Sometimes, it can prevent us from empathising and reaching a full understanding of the character and their circumstances . So I guess the dilemma/or question that I have is , should it be to the writers or the audience to challenge this perception?

Personally I think it’s a two way street and we can’t leave it all to the writers to keep challenging the concept of a character because especially in kdramas and television, audience wish fulfillment plays a huge role as they are often taken into consideration. Even When Moonlovers was airing , many scenes were edited and scenes of Hae Soo were cut to accommodate more scenes of other characters and lead actors. So the truth is , what audience expect or react often influences the way a script is written.

And hence I think it’s possible that the reason Why many characters resemble a trope is because of the favourable reactions towards it . So when a character like Hae Soo, who isn’t written to achieve a fan favourite outcome or has self preservation as her top priority enters, people either struggle to understand her or hate her for not acting or achieving what they want or expect from her. She is new and is like a puzzle they don’t want to solve .

However , we should consider and be open to the fact that sometimes , stories aren’t meant to achieve a grand or happy ending and characters aren’t for the audience to cheer over . Sometimes we need something challenging and questionable or heartbreaking. And in stories like that, rather than rooting for the character or outcome, I think it’s better to understand , empathise and reflect on the story or characters involved. I think that’s the point of it. I always thought moonlovers was one of the stories , with the point of it being not who wins everything or gets what they wanted but rather an exploration of how people make choices and deal with them. How they reflect on it and make decisions that affect others and really, question the point of it all, from power to life.

So the point of understanding the drama is to understand the characters, not hate them or sympathise with them in a level where they seem to do no wrong. Doing this will make this drama seem more confusing and characters hard to understand because this drama unlike others is not designed to live up to expectations.

Sometimes when people say they want a character to develop, they want them to change completely and act in a way that eases their expectations. But with Hae Soo, as so many people hated on her / blamed her from the get go , I don’t see people instantly liking her character even if she changes to fill their expectations because they already hold grievances against her for not acting the way they wanted or “loving Wang So” as much “she should”. The only way to love and understand her character is to love her the way she is .

People pick sides and paint one character as good who’s so innocent and is only capable of doing the right thing / being the voice of reason while the other side is painted as evil / dumb and undeserving of the male lead and thus deserves everything bad happening to them .This at the end of the day is damaging because, especially in a relationship, no one is a saint and no one is truly a winner . Even if they leave the partner and find someone else, the personal issues that they have not fixed will crop up again .And a show like moon lovers can never be fully understood or gotten over if u don’t understand each characters struggle and view it like like it’s a good guy/ bad guy story where people win or get the “karma” they deserve.

In conclusion, I think we need to give characters the benefit of the doubt before we judge them so callously . Because sometimes such judgements can create misconceptions about the character and the story. Years of watching the same tropes play out in media have allowed us to hold certain expectations for characters and when they don't meet that expectations , it triggers a popular outcry.Especially in female characters, because for long they always have been written for wish fulfilling purposes. Most think they way treat or perceive fictional characters is harmless but the thing is, these perceptions mirror what's common in society. If we are comfortable harassing characters for failing to live up to our notions, then it means we still have a long way to go to when it comes to overcoming our own pre conceived notions in real life.And as long as we stick to the same tropes over and over and expect the same happy ending , the stories we consume will remain the same and to open up the venues for more different stories and drama, we should open our mind to the possibility that things aren’t always meant to progress the way we expect it to.

#kdrama #hae soo #mlshr #iu #moon lovers #wang so #scarlet heart ryeo #moonlovers:scarlet heart ryeo #haesoodeservedbetter #scarletheartryeo #Scarlet heart ryeo sixth anniversary #Had this in my drafts for long #just my honest take #so underrated #moon lovers scarlet heart ryeo #lee jieun

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theinfinitedivides · 5 months

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something about the last ep that has crack in it. it is almost twenty past seven in the morning i am sitting here after the credits rolled it is my second rewatch in entirety (third of just the last two eps) and i have to be talking myself out of starting it over again. idk what they did with this sh*t but they did everything right

#tv: vigilante #vigilante #vigilante kdrama #nam joo hyuk #yoo ji tae #kim so jin #lee joon hyuk #kdrama #local gay watches Vigilante.txt #local gay watches k-dramas.txt #giving me Jawan level brainrot the way i'm ready to wheel and come again with ep 1 like no?????? i need to finish My Dearest??????#MITD airs for the final time this week??????? K3G anniversary is coming up???????#i need to sign out of MDL and ao3 to physically make sure my ass doesn't stay tempted otherwise it's game over #fr tho it's already game over i created the Pinterest board halfway through the rewatch in ep 2. that's how you know we're never #coming back from them pulling up to take residence in my brain

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dreamsandstars24 · 11 months

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HAPPY 10TH ANNIVERSARY TO THE LOVES OF MY LIFE!

You guys, I just started getting into BTS last year and let me tell you that I AM SO HAPPY I DID. These guys are wonderful and I will never get tired of them.

It doesn’t matter how, or where, these guys always manage to make a million people feel better in the best way possible.

They teach self-love, self-respect, and equality.

THEY ARE THE ONES THAT PUT SMILES ON MY FACE!

I never thought I would be so happy by seeing grown-up men laughing and giggling but still here I am.

For more than ten years with them!

#BTS #Kim Namjoon #Kim Seokjin #Min Yoongi #jeon hoseok #Park Jimin #Kim Taehyung #Jeon Jungkook #My love #ARMY #10 YEARS #KOREA #kpop #kdrama #proud #happy #anniversary

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yeommijeong · 1 year

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A story about a failed idol group's last journey and their desperate attempts to prevent disbandment. Cotton Candy only needs a one time hit to save their group, but it's not as easy as it sounds. Everything is going wrong for Cotton Candy, but the members can't let go of their friendship and dreams.

One year with IDOL: The Coup (2020) ❀

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deluwoo · 7 months

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thoughts on bf!enha

pairing ▸ enhypen x f.reader genre ▸ headcannon, fluff, comfort, crack (?? in some way), established relationships warnings ▸ food, mention (1) of alcohol [lmk if there r more] wc ▸ 345

eun's notes ▸ prev from my old blog @/wonieweb!! pls enjoy bc i miss writing :((

y.jw: times of silence where you just appreciate each other’s company. using elastic hair ties and scrunchies to play with his hair. writing down the little details about you: allergies, favorite restaurants, etc. muffled laughter especially when the two of you are eating. late night strolls near the Han river. attempts to do make-up on you l.hs: you secretly record when he sings so you can replay it anytime you want. sleeping until 10 am in the morning. both of you are bed heads just staring at each other confused for 10 min. homemade earrings. festival or carnival dates at night. resting on his lap during long car rides. reading fanfics with him ABOUT him and laughing 99% of the time. p.js: vinyls and wine (coke) at 10 pm. grocery shopping for the other boys. finding your stuff in his bag because you rarely bring yours. making fun of his pre-debut photos. sunday brunch with his family. you watch him play games on the big TV. homemade lunch on school days. fingers around belt loops when out in public. s.jk: dog parks and ice cream. peach/apple picking with him. free tutoring but it ends with the two of you extremely confused and irritated with the subject. 2 whole albums of polaroids of the two of you. a playlist of songs that remind him of you. late night car drives to the drive thru. babysitting together. dancing in the rain. p.sh: strolls with your hands in his pockets. using the ‘its our anniversary’ card to get discounts in restaurants. stealing his hoodies and cloaks. short but kind compliments at the most random times. the most random texts at 1 am. likes to choose your outfits. getting sulky because hes just laughing at you for no exact reason. switches from being the little spoon to a big spoon. k.sn: homedates where u binge watch kdramas and eat. “because im your bf” excuse. diy photoshoots. late night gossiping. secret photos of each other sleeping. grabbing you by the waist onto his lap. matching pfps or lock screens. pinterest boards for each other. kissing of cheeks. n.rk: homemade memes of each other. private twt just to simp over you. hes the most romantic when youre asleep. youre couple love language is quality time. likes to buy you flowers and presses them when theyre almost wilted. library dates. buying stationary together. 4 am talks on the rooftop. he’ll put your stuff on the higher shelves to see you struggle then eventually traps you against the shelf while he gets it for you.

a reblog wld be nice 👹👹 repost of previous works ©wonieweb now ©deluwoo

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gimmehyuck · 1 year

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a series of (un)fortunate events | l.mk

summary. it’s been months since you've seen mark in person. when you have no choice but to be around him because of a wedding, you start to feel as if fate likes to see you suffer.

or, alternatively:

maybe fate just wants to see you happy.

pairing. rising actor!mark x fem!reader, feat. hyuck and ryujin

words. 9.4k

genre. exes to lovers; fluff with lots of angst sprinkled all over

warnings. reader has anxiety, honestly she’s a little bit miserable but i think we can forgive her for that, alcohol consumption, i asked my friend what the agents name should be and we both thought linda would be funny (sorry if your name is linda), cliche kdrama drunk scene bc i can

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you were frozen in time. mind completely empty. the literal embodiment of ‘not a thought behind those eyes’. it took a solid 45 seconds of ryujin calling your name before you snapped out of it and looked at her again through your phone screen. she was frowning at you and you couldn’t help but mutter under your breath a small, “shit.”

clearing your voice you apologized with a smile this time.

“i knew she’d react like this,” ryujin said to the other person sharing the space on the phone screen.

“i know… look,” donghyuck said to you after turning away from his now fiancé. “i told mark that he’s my best man because he’s my best friend, but i also told him to try and keep his distance. we both want the both of you there for us.” donghyuck was pouting a little, probably because he always got his way when he did that but you were mostly looking at ryujin. she was happy and you could tell, but her eyes were worried for you. and who were you to ruin this time for her?

“oh, of course babe. i can handle this, no worries at all!” you forced the smile to meet your eyes, hoping she’d buy it. she didn’t. but she admired your bravery in the moment and didn’t press you further.

“i’ll let you know the details, you’ll have to fly back home so don’t worry about the dresses or anything. i’ll take care of that for you!” she chirped.

“ryu, no! if i’m the maid of honor then i should help with this stuff!” but ryujin was already waving her hand dismissively.

“just focus on getting here, it’s going to be expensive enough to get plane tickets, let alone the back and forth. so we’ll make it one trip for the wedding and i’ll facetime you for everything.”

“at least let me plan the bachelorette party,” you argued. and ryujin smiled brightly at that.

“i wouldn’t dream of taking that away from you.”

after a few more minutes of honest congratulations and eye rolls for donghyuck, you hung up the phone and you sat back on the couch while you stared at the picture that was the home screen. running your hand through your hair, you sighed heavily. the picture of mark leaning against the short wall of the ice rink as he was laughing hysterically was staring back at you, the moment captured during your one year anniversary date. you had fallen while ice skating and he spent the first two minutes laughing before he pulled himself together to help you up. you had been recording at the time and it was your favorite picture.

even though it had been two months since you had left, you still didn’t have the heart to change it. just like you didn’t have the heart to fall out of love with him. this wedding would be the second hardest thing you’d have to do.

the first will always be the night you left.

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you took everything that you had originally thought back. this would absolutely be the second hardest thing you’d ever have to do.

when ryujin sent you the seating arrangement for the wedding and let it slip that you’d have to walk with mark down the aisle, you nearly cried.

you did cry, actually.

luckily you knew where the letters were on your keyboard so you were able to type out a ‘sounds good to me, babe :)’ without actually seeing since your watery eyes were making the keyboard all but disappear.

you angrily brushed them away, getting so frustrated with your emotions and scolding yourself because you would have to get this under control in three months time. you still didn’t understand the rush of the wedding but it wasn’t your wedding to plan therefore you had no say in the matter. shaking your head you went back to your laptop to search for plane tickets to korea when the late night show’s host saying mark’s name caught your attention and you quickly whipped your head up to watch the tv.

“tonight we have with us, the up and coming star whose debut movie will be releasing this friday, mark lee!” the audience clapped and the thought of reaching for the remote to turn off the tv did not cross your mind; the idea of getting to see him aside from the random magazine cover made your heart ache but in that moment you wanted to brave the ache if only to get to see a smile from him.

mark walked on the set and waved at everyone, a bright smile on his face that you had been waiting for. his blue blazer complementing his black hair, and you couldn’t help but think about how handsome he looked. you were far too entranced to tell yourself to turn it off now.

“so!” the host said, clapping his hands together as mark took his seat adjacent to him. “welcome to the show.”

mark nodded along, “thank you for having me.”

“the pleasure is all ours, isn’t that right?” the host said to the crowd and they began the applause all over again. you noticed mark’s ears turning a little pink and you knew he was getting a little overwhelmed with the love from strangers.

“your debut movie dive into you, your very first role as an actor nonetheless, was making waves,” the host paused with a raised eyebrow while the crowd - and mark - laughed at his pun; then continued, “of the sundance festival. how did it feel to win awards so soon after wrapping up production?”

mark smiled and nodded along in answer, “it feels like it’s not real honestly, but also like my hard work has finally paid off. i never really thought i’d be here. i never thought i’d get to see this part of my dream come to pass but here i am. i can’t help but feel nervous, but also excited, you know? the director, cast, and crew were all welcoming and amazing to work with. i’ll truly remember this moment forever, and be grateful for it.” the host nodded along with mark as he answered his question at length, and then as he spoke the hosts lips pursed and he began tapping his chin.

“you said something very interesting just then, mark,” the host commented and mark raised an eyebrow at him suddenly looking around trying to figure out what it was exactly that he had said, as if the audience could help him find it.

“what? did i accidentally cuss and not realize it?” mark gave a nervous laugh and you couldn’t help but smile at his awkwardness. you were happy to see that although he had achieved his dream, he was still the same mark.

“oh no! and besides. it’s late night tv, you’re allowed to cuss here and there,” the host laughed a little before leaning forward on his desk and mark leaned closer as if they were going to share a secret.

“what i was curious about, and i’m sure what everyone else at home is curious about as well, is what you meant exactly by ‘this part of my dream’? what’s the other half… or whatever fraction of your dream that hasn’t come true yet?”

and mark’s eyebrows rose, “ahhh, that…” he hesitated while he scratched the back of his neck.

“i just meant… um, i just meant that the other part being that i wish that my- my friends were able to be here and celebrate this milestone with me.” mark was lying through his teeth, you could tell because as he said the word friends, his nose scrunched a little and that was always how you knew he was either lying or withholding something. but these people wouldn’t know that about him, and the shows host accepted the answer immediately. his face gave a look of understanding and almost concern.

“oh yeah, you came from korea for this movie, didn’t you?” and mark nodded in answer.

“yeah, they’re all back home supporting me but it’s okay. my best friend is getting married in a couple of months so i’ll be able to celebrate then with them in person!” and the host grinned widely at mark and then the camera.

“well that makes me happy for you, mark, truly! oh, and it looks like that’s all the time we have for tonight. everyone go watch dive into you when it releases in theatres this friday!”

the credits began to roll and mark was shot smiling and clapping, leaning over to say something to the host that the camera mic didn’t catch as the show ended. seeing his smile and being happy like that made the heart ache worsen, and you rubbed at your chest trying to ease the metaphorical pain. you weren’t sure if you were ready to see him. you weren’t sure if you’d be able to keep it together for this whole thing.

but for ryujin, you’d try.

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fuck this. you couldn’t do it.

you really really couldn’t do it.

after landing in korea you connected to the wifi of the airport only to receive one message from ryujin.

5:50 pm my baby 👭: mark will be picking u up from the airport, hyuck and i had last minute kinks to work out for the wedding but i’ll come and get u tonight for the bachelorette party! i’m so sorry 😞

she even had the nerve, the audacity to send the sad emoji but all you could do was feel your heart racing from anxiety. so you quickly typed back in a panic -

that’s ok! i can just take a taxi, no need for mark to come!

but she answered immediately as if she were waiting for your response, and her only message was, “he’s already there!”

and you were going to fucking kill her. you were absolutely going to murder her before she even got the chance to step one toe down the aisle. you didn’t even bother responding to the text, your anxiety and frustration making an uncomfortable mix in your chest and if you weren’t already thirty seconds from a panic attack, your phone buzzed again and with sweaty palms you checked it.

6:05 pm ml 🐯🥰: ryujin gave me your new number, sorry if this is weird. but i’m outside in the blue car, take your time though.

6:06 pm ml 🐯🥰: this is mark, btw

you internally screamed as you read the message over and over again, the contact name being another thing you also didn’t have the heart to change like your wallpaper, truly thinking you would never see it pop up again. you abruptly sat on the nearest bench as you waited for your checked luggage to arrive at the baggage carousel, the people who were standing around you edged further away from you. flashing you concerned looks at your apparent mental break down, but you could hardly even blink. you felt your heart rising in your throat and you tried to breathe through your nose and out through your mouth.

you tried slowly counting to five.

you tried breathing in for a few seconds and breathing out slower.

as you sat, you tried every calming technique you could think of.

it wasn’t until an elderly lady placed a gentle hand on your shoulder causing you to jump slightly and she gave you a kind look.

“everything is going to be okay,” she said as she gently rubbed your back and then just… walked away. the sudden appearance and disappearance of her making your panic halt in an instant in the distraction.

then the carousel whirred to life, and you had to rush over to haul your bag off of the moving belt before you had to wait for it to come around again. you really should have let it circle around a few times, but that idea came to you after you had already set the suitcase on the ground.

the kindness from the older woman, and the knowledge that you would be able to thoroughly murder your friend in a few short hours helped you to steel your nerves as you exited the airport and quickly found the blue car mark was driving.

it was easy to spot because he was literally leaning against it while he stared at his phone. you hesitated a moment, taking him in and god did he look good in those jeans and that sweater. the thoughts getting away from you before you could stop them but immediately scolded yourself.

steadying yourself with a quick breath, you rolled your suitcase up to the trunk and he jerked his head up at the sudden movement.

“oh, hi. i was waiting for a response from you- but, uh, um, here! let me get that.” he said quickly as he reached for your bag to help you heave it into the trunk but you put your hand up to stop him, taking a step back to create space.

“it’s okay,” you said, a little too curt with him. “i can do it myself.” and mark instantly deflated, your heart jumping at the need to fix that look.

no, you scolded yourself and internally forced your heart to still. he’s not yours anymore.

you made sure of that.

mark stepped back and let you lift up the heavy suitcase yourself, dropping it ever so gracefully in the trunk. you closed it and tried not to make eye contact as you moved around mark to get into the passenger seat. when you shut the door you couldn’t stop yourself from looking in the side mirror to see him frown and he shook his head at himself. you breathed a sigh of relief out. the ‘ripping off the bandaid’ part over and done with.

he got in to his side of the car smoothly, and you prepared yourself for an awkward silence the entire ride to the hotel.

“we’re staying at the same place, so that’s cool!” mark said casually, trying to create some form of conversation, of peace. you didn’t respond to what he said, instead opting for a different approach.

“you didn’t need to come and get me,” you said quietly as you stared at the passing cars on the road.

“i wanted to,” he said just as quietly, and you flinched internally at what sounded like sadness. he said your name, and then hesitated. after a few moments of silence, you saw his reflection in the window shake his head slightly as he decided against saying whatever it was.

“never mind.” was the last word uttered of the drive.

the tension weighed heavily on your already wounded heart.

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fate had it out for you. she must really enjoy screwing you over. because what you kept thinking would be the hardest part… kept continuously turning out to absolutely not be the hardest part, as if she were taunting you.

exhibit d:

“what do you mean my reservation was canceled?” you asked the hotel concierge for the third time in a row, causing her to sigh in frustration at you, finally cracking her happy persona she had to wear for her job.

“ma’am, i really don’t know how else to explain it to you. it says here it was canceled, and your room was already booked by someone else.”

“well unbook it!” you insisted, all but yelling out at that point, completely fed up. “i didn’t cancel my reservation, so it must have been a system error. isn’t there anything you can do to fix this?”

“i’m sorry,” the woman said again. “we’re fully booked for a wedding that’s taking place in a few days.”

“i-“ you paused pinching the bridge of your nose tightly, taking a moment to deeply inhale. you were going to have to google better calming techniques. “i. know. because i am in that wedding!” you hissed between clenched teeth and when the woman reached for the phone in fear, to call what you presumed was the security, mark stepped in suddenly. he leaned against the tall counter, and his sudden closeness made you jerk your head up to make eye contact with him.

“i booked a suite with an extra bed, it may be a little… um, awkward but the bed is yours if you want it.” his ears were turning red, but his voice sounded genuine. as if he truly meant his offer and god you wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and never come out. knowing your options were limited to this or staying with your parents who lived two hours outside of the city, you really didn’t have any other choice.

fate was absolutely fucking with you just because she could, was the only thought on replay as you were getting ready in the bathroom for the bachelorette party that night. considering you had slept on the plane, you weren’t tired yet and you figured you’d be able to sleep off the jetlag with a nice hangover before the rehearsal dinner the next evening. putting the final touches on your makeup, you looked at yourself in the mirror.

you could do this.

you repeated those three sentences like a mantra to yourself over and over, trying to give yourself the confidence to leave the room and be in the same space as mark again, but it seemed like the universe had different plans as your inner musings were interrupted.

“you look… really pretty.” he said in the entrance of the bathroom, his body blocking the only exit from the room. you looked down to avoid the eye contact in the mirror he was giving you, and muttered a quiet, “thank you.”

he paused a moment more before saying your name, for the second time since you had seen him, and hearing his voice saying your name in that way as opposed to the first time… it almost made tears spring to your eyes.

“i just wanted-“ he started, but for the first time since you had been told of this wedding, something (because it definitely wasn’t fate) decided to take pity on you and give you a break because at that moment you got a text from ryujin.

9:45 pm murder victim (1) 🔪: here babe!!

and you instantly sighed in relief. cutting mark off from what you were sure he had spent the last hour building up the courage to say, you turned on your heel and said, “ryu’s here! gotta go.”

you brushed past him to exit the hotel room, not even noticing that you had forgotten the door key on your way out.

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it was three am.

or maybe four.

you weren’t sure.

you spent the first twenty minutes of the night scolding the hell out of ryujin in the back of the uber and she just took it with a grin.

“and just what is so funny?” you huffed at her, crossing your arms and allowing your brows to stay furrowed.

“it’s almost like the universe is telling you to get back together.” she sang, and wiggled her eyebrows at you. you threw your hands up in exasperation, drawing eyes from the driver through the rearview mirror. giving a slight bow of apology to him you turned back to ryujin only to roll your eyes at her.

“no, the universe likes watching me hit a newly discovered rock bottom. we’re not getting back together and i’m sure he’ll be happy to have me gone once your wedding is over.” ryujin only shrugged and you didn’t hear it when she muttered, “i wouldn’t be so sure.”

when the uber dropped you off in front of the first club of the night, your sour mood dispersed in a second as you headed inside.

you and ryujin, along with her other bridesmaids in her party, heejin, yeji, and jimin had bounced from club to club and you had thoroughly drank your cares away. you were no longer thinking about how fate was a bitch. you were no longer thinking about the doom and gloom you were feeling.

you were no longer thinking about mark.

except that last one was a lie because he was the only thought that occupied your brain through the night, so much so that ryujin had to cover your mouth with her hand to stop your rambling about him.

but as the dawn crept closer and closer, all of you were calling it quits. yeji had lost a shoe somewhere along the way and jimin had left thirty minutes before, taking a whiny yeji with her; heejin was finally getting into her uber after ten minutes of drunkenly explaining that no, she wasn’t in the building the street over, and yes the gps was actually wrong. it just left you and ryujin as you waited for donghyuck to come pick you up, knowing he was on standby for the designated driver role of the morning. ryujin held your hand and affectionately laid her head on your shoulder. you copied the action and turned so you could hug each other and sway back and forth, the scene cute if not for the fact that anyone watching could tell that you were both heavily intoxicated if the giggles coming from you both after each dramatic sway were any indicator.

“you know everything is gonna be okay,” she slurred a little too loudly in your ear and the phrase made you think of something but you couldn’t quite remember what it was.

“i know,” you giggled at her, grinning brightly and you both squeezed each other tighter. you couldn’t remember in that moment what needed to be okay.

“hey, that’s my future wife! if you wanted her you should have proposed first!” you both turned to see donghyuck smiling widely, as he leaned across the center console to be able to tease you both out of the passenger window. you answered by sticking your tongue out childishly at him and ryujin answered by kissing your cheek with a loud, exaggerated smack, leaving a red stain on your cheek from what was left of her lipstick.

“i could have had her years before you even knew her, and i’ll have her years after you. remember that!” you said while pointing your fingers at your eyes and turning them on him. he rolled his eyes and sarcastically mimicked your response before motioning for you both to get in the car.

the drive back to the hotel was quiet and for the first time that night you checked your phone.

11:03 pm ml 🐯🥰: hey, i just noticed you left your keycard to get back in the hotel

12:00 am ml 🐯🥰: i’ll sleep with my phone off of silent, just call when you get back and i’ll let you in

2:15 am ml 🐯🥰: please be safe, let me know if i need to come get you

your heart fluttered at his messages and you drunkenly smiled at how he still cared. you covered your mouth to hide your smile but the sober one in the car didn’t miss the way your eyes lit up in a way that neither he nor ryujin had seen on you in five months. he could only smirk to himself as he drove, promising to himself to tell ryujin about what he saw the next morning.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

you stumbled your way down the hallway, stopping and taking off one shoe as it was rubbing your foot painfully. then after a few steps you realized how silly it was to walk with one heel on and you clumsily leaned against the wall to pull off the other shoe. arriving to the door, you giggled at the idea of getting to call and talk to mark.

mark was here, with you.

you were here, with mark.

something you’d never thought would happen again and it made your heart soar. giggling again at that thought you pulled out your phone. hitting the call button, he picked up after the third ring and you sighed as you leaned against the door frame, allowing it to hold you up.

“hello?” his voice was raspy from sleep and it made butterflies erupt in your stomach.

“hi,” you giggled once more, and you internally smacked yourself this time.

play it cool or don’t talk yourself into sounding like an idiot, you told yourself.

“hi,” he parroted back to you. “are you okay? do i need to come get you?”

“yeah, can you please?” and you heard rustling through the phone.

“okay, i’m on my way. where are you?” he didn’t hesitate. he didn’t even sigh. he didn’t seem annoyed by having to help you. he seemed… almost happy in the way he said his words. as if you could audibly hear the smile. but maybe that was the alcohol letting you hear what you wanted to hear. you heard him walking around in the hotel room through the phone, and saw a light flick on from the little sliver of a gap under the door.

“on the other side of the door,” you smiled, laughing a little harder at your own joke and the door jerked open to reveal mark in all his sleepy glory. shirt wrinkled and hair sticking out at in odd directions. his relief, however, made way to his smile and he couldn’t help but stare down at you for a moment… but you, you were definitely still drunk. and who needs inhibitions to tell you not to do something anyways? not you, that’s for sure.

“my pretty maaaark!” you sang, as you threw yourself against him, or well, fell against him would be a better term for what happened.

he froze at the sudden affection from you, arms raised at awkward angles above your body before allowing his arms to lower and hug you back gently.

“i’m so sleepy, mark.” you slurred against his chest and you nuzzled your cheek against it, thinking about how soft this shirt was. he huffed a small laugh and pulled you further into the room so he could close the door.

“okay, let’s get you to bed then. c’mon.” and he helped you walk (in reality he half carried you) towards the shared bedroom.

“mark,” you called his name again softly. he glanced down at you and he noticed you were already looking up at him, arms still wrapped around his waist.

“mm?” he answered as he navigated you finally over to the bed.

“i’m so happy,” you said to him and somehow, fate again you assumed - that bitch - you simultaneously tripped over your own drunk feet and tumbled back onto the bed. your arms that were still wrapped around his waist gave him no choice but to fall with you, or well, on top of you. he caught himself instead of crushing you, an arm on each side of your head, caging you in.

he looked down at you and your body acting off it’s own accord by gripping his shirt tightly at his waist. you couldn’t help but stare at his face for a few long seconds, eyes going from his eyes, up to his hair, down to his lips, back to his eyes, and then back to his lips one last time.

“and why is that?” he asked, bringing you back to the moment before you tripped. and although your eyes had drifted back up to his eyes, he noticed that yours started to slowly flutter closed, as if you were fighting sleep but the alcohol was winning. your bright smile you gave him while you were thinking of the answer made his heart beat fast, but the words you said next made it stop entirely.

“because i get to be here with you, even if it’s just for a moment. i missed you so much, my mark, all marked in my heart.” you laughed softly again at your own joke, referencing back to a pickup line he had given you that made you say yes to his first request of a date. he couldn’t help the melancholy feeling that overcame him as he looked down at your sleeping form, the alcohol finally taking you from awake to asleep within seconds.

“i’m happy too,” he whispered though you didn’t hear it.

if only you knew how happy he actually was.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the next day, you surprisingly slept well considering it was 3 o’clock in the afternoon and you were still in your clothes from last night. the curtains were drawn tightly as to not let any light in, and you groaned at the headache that pulsed behind your eyelids. you knew the room was empty based on the the silence and you were grateful for it as you felt embarrassed by your actions the night before. why the hell would you say that to mark? if you wanted him to hate you, well, you were doing a damn good job of solidifying that. you searched for your phone amongst the blankets and pillows to check your messages.

11:15 am murder victim (2) 🔫: mark said earlier that you forgot your key, hope you ‘got in’ okay ;)

11:30 am murder victim (1) 🔪: hi babe, how’s the hangover? the rehearsal is at 5. text me when u get up, ily 😘

11:47 am ml 🐯🥰: i put tylenol by the bed with some water, i would have ordered you food but didn’t know what time you’d be getting up. see you later

your heart gave way at the kind gesture as you flipped on a light switch and squinted at the brightness, quickly finding the medicine and downing it in one go to quickly turn off the light again.

maybe he wasn’t hating you like you thought.

you gave yourself thirty minutes to try and let the headache lose the battle with the medicine you took and finally rolled out of bed to take a shower, doing everything you could think of to keep mark and his never ending kindness off of your mind. you got ready in record time, and somehow made it to the rehearsal on time with five minutes to spare.

you ran through the wedding fairly quickly, and you most certainly did not blush as mark took your arms in his to walk you down the aisle for the practice run. besides that, you didn’t get a chance to look at mark until it came to dinner with the wedding party for the night.

fate, and you couldn’t say you were mad at her this time, had allowed mark to sit next to you during dinner.

“so mark,” yeji had said as she stuffed a piece of broccoli into her mouth. “what’s it like being famous now?”

he groaned in answer. his hand moved ever so slightly to the right and his pinky was suddenly touching yours. your eyes widened but you didn’t move your hand away, allowing his hand to rest next to yours. it felt like something from middle school when you would get excited over your crush, your eyes laser-focused on where you were connected.

“i mean, of course i’m happy to have found success in it.”

success.

that word alone sent you back to The Moment five months ago.

success was all that you wanted for mark, you were happy to watch him as he acted on set. with the way his schedule had been lining up, you hardly saw him. so when you suggested that maybe you could spend the day with him on set while he worked, he didn’t say no to you. it made you happy that he made you feel like he was fitting time in with you even if he was insanely busy.

you missed spending time with him, and you really… just… missed him. his absence making your worries and self doubts grow more eminent but you were both usually good at communicating so it wasn’t a constant worry, but the worry was there all the same.

mark had just left you to begin another scene, leaving you sitting in his chair that was off to the side and you couldn’t stop your eyes from following him around the room, watching his interactions with his cast mates.

a body landing into the chair next to yours caused you to jump and you turned to see his manager sitting next to you, leaning to the side to be just on the verge of invading your space. she was a stone faced woman, perfectly presented down to the red polish of her nails.

you had only met her a few times but she seemed… nice enough. you couldn’t deny that she worked hard to get mark solid chances and auditions so you appreciated her as mark did.

the situation at hand made you uncomfortable for some reason though, your gut telling you to move away from her.

you didn’t listen.

“so,” his manager began slowly, not making eye contact with you, instead her eyes were following mark as yours had been doing moments before.

“so…?” you prompted when she didn’t begin speaking right away.

“we need to talk… and i’m taking the initiative because mark’s too kind and won’t do it.” this caught you off guard entirely. mark was keeping something from you? you were both good terrible secret keepers with each other and this seemed so unlike him.

but, you thought, his manager was with him when you weren’t so maybe…

“oh…” you said, and finally his manager made eye contact with you. the cold stare she was giving you sent shivers down your spine.

“look, sweetie. this… this relationship you have with mark. it isn’t working.” and she patted you on the shoulder as if this were good news. “it isn’t going to work for his image or his future. you know you’re holding him back from the future he could have. the future he deserves. why do you want to burden him any further than you already have?” she asked, voice dripping with a sense of sweetness that screamed condescension.

you stilled at that instantly. the thought that you may have been the problem the entire time you were together… that you were the reason as to why he couldn’t get auditions… you would be lying if you said it hadn’t crossed your mind.

“but mark never said…” you argued weakly, playing with your fingers all while trying not to make eye contact with the woman sitting next to you.

“of course he wouldn’t, dear. he knows you’re too… fragile.” she sneered at the last word, her disdain for you being glaringly obvious as the conversation carried on. your anxiety made you fragile? mark had talked about you to her?

when you didn’t respond right away, mind racing, mark’s manager stood up.

“if you want to be selfish, and ruin his chances at success then that’s fine. just know any future failures would be on you. if you truly loved him, you’d do this for him. you’d leave.” her voice changed sharply within that sentence, the word selfish becoming a thicker blanket on top of burden in your mind and it was like you couldn’t breathe.

the anxiety stemming from the words she had just said - the fears you had been harboring for months, the thoughts that you had been smothering like a fire in the back of your mind suddenly roared to life, and the sudden heat was too hot for you to handle in the moment.

the idea of mark possibly resenting you in the future for things you knew were out of your control, it shook you… and it was minutes of spiraling into yourself before you realized that his manger had been long gone and the director had called cut.

mark stopped by where you sat for a brief moment to tell you that he had to go to the the hair and makeup trailer and he would be back soon. the fact that he didn’t tell you that he loved you with a quick kiss like he usually would being the final nail in the coffin for you in believing every word.

you got up and left the set that day, going to your shared home with mark and realized there wasn’t much that you wanted to take anyway. your heart was shattered and everything you’d take would only remind you of him.

you had packed a suitcase, and sat for a long time contemplating if you wanted to leave a letter but then ultimately decided that if he was already feeling burdened by you, you’d be doing him a favor by not making it hard on him. or well, any harder.

allowing that memory to play all the way through for the first time since seeing him made you feel as if reality had punched you in the stomach, and it sobered you up quickly. the heavy weight of your anxiety was back and it settled on your chest. the bubble of happiness you felt at the slightest touch, at the first sight of him after being apart from him for so long… all gone in an instant.

remember you’re the burden, you did this for him, you chided yourself sadly in your head. you were the reason why you both were estranged.

you gently moved your hand away to rest it in your lap. mark cut his eyes to you suddenly but you missed the glance and you missed the way he was still looking at you as he said, “but i’m just happy to be here with you… with all of you again.”

he tore his eyes away from your face to look at yeji and she smiled knowingly, eyes darting from mark to you. the room felt small to you then, almost suffocating. the sudden appearance of someone to the table brought you to the present.

“dessert will be coming out soon,” the waitress said to ryujin.

your appetite was gone entirely, and you had to get out of there. you leaned over and whispered in ryujin’s ear that you loved her but you were heading up to the room. you felt the tears were coming, because reality was the bitch this time instead of fate.

the kindness mark was showing you during all of this was making your heart ache and it was bringing up the pain that you desperately fought off for five months. excusing yourself from the table, you told everyone goodnight and made a beeline for the elevator that would take you up to the room.

stepping inside and punching the floor number, you hit the close door button frantically and bit your lip to try and keep the tears from coming as long as possible. the doors were almost closed when a hand suddenly blocked it and it opened again, revealing mark and he stepped inside, awkwardly coughing at the dramatics of it all.

you stepped to the side of the elevator and didn’t look up from your fingernails that you played with to avoid eye contact at all costs. the awkward tension filled the elevator thickly and you could feel mark’s stare boring holes into the side of your head. when the elevator finally dinged with the arrival of your floor, you’d never felt more grateful for the annoying sound.

all but running from the elevator, you headed to the room only to realize that, fuck, yes you were actually staying in mark’s room and no, he wasn’t riding the elevator for fun. his steps sounded behind yours and you pointedly didn’t say a word to him as you both entered the room. his presence didn’t deter your tears that had been threatening to spill, in fact it only made them more prevalent and it was taking all that you could do to not let them fall. the click of the door being shut made you flinch a little in anticipation of what came next, and mark cleared his throat.

“so, um…” he began, hesitating while trying to find the right words on how to approach this before continuing. “i think - i think we should talk. you said something’s last night and it… it really has me confused and i just need, no, i deserve an explanation.” when he finished his sentence his words sounded pained.

you did guess that you owed him an explanation.

but you didn’t want to give it to him.

the same way you felt you deserved one as well, but you didn’t want the confirmation.

“i’m sorry, mark.” you said, voice barely above a whisper. and it was the only thing you had to say in that moment, anything over three words and your voice would have cracked. you kept your back to him as you walked over to the bathroom and shut the door, not wanting to see his face during this.

you really were a coward, you thought.

you heard mark approach the other side of the door and stop.

“you’re- you’re sorry?” he asked, and then with a hint of sarcasm, he finally decided to bring up the biggest and obvious elephant in the room. “you’re sorry for what? leaving or are you sorry for what you said last night? are you going to tell me you didn’t mean it now?” and you could only shake your head even though he couldn’t see.

“all of it.” you choked out.

“all- ha, all of it?” his laugh was dry. your silence was answer enough.

“you left me. you left me without an explanation. without a single note and then you changed your number! i thought you had just left the set but i came home to find you gone. what could i have possibly done that would have deserved that? what did i do?”

“it’s…” you started from the other side of the door, tears falling at the desperation in his voice. but mark was on a roll, months of pent up frustration and sadness finally boiling over.

“you were there with me and then you weren’t and you hurt me, y/n. you absolutely broke my heart, you know that? i almost quit the movie entirely.”

“if you had, then it would have been for nothing.” you cried from the other side of the door.

“what are you even talking about?”

you flung open the door suddenly, mark taking in your tear stained face, your eyes red and bloodshot.

“i left you for you, mark.”

“i don’t-.”

“you said i broke your heart, but i broke my own first. i left you for you!”

“i never asked you to do that!”

“you didn’t have to! she did it for you. i left so i wouldn’t hold you back anymore. i was holding you back, i was burdening you, i was keeping you from the successful career you worked so hard to achieve.” you placed your hand on your chest and took a deep breath, “i admit that i was a coward in not waiting, but i couldn’t handle hearing the confirmation of it all from you. so i did it for you, i left so i wouldn’t be selfish.” you spat out the last word like it was poison, the word that had been torturing you these past five months, all while pointing your finger at mark as if to drive home your point.

“she-? you… selfish? what the hell are you even talking about?” he asked, eyebrows fully drawn together in confusion. you scoffed.

“don’t act as if you hadn’t talked to her about me. about how you couldn’t tell me any of this because i was fragile.” your mouth twisted with that sentence, and your emotions didn’t know whether to be angry or sad. so you continued to cry because, yeah, that would cover all the bases.

marks mouth clicked shut as things started to come together in his mind. pieces falling into place and then he was suddenly livid.

mark was silent for a moment, his lips pursed and his eyes thunderous - you could only assume that fury was directed at you considering his eyes never left yours, and you swallowed nervously.

“y/n…” mark started slowly, his voice dropping dangerously low in his anger, “who exactly do you mean when you say the word ‘she’?”

you hesitated a little, never knowing mark to get this angry.

“your… manager.” you murmured and mark’s jaw clenched, and you felt your anger dissipate entirely as his took over. as the seconds ticked on, you watched as mark reached into his back pocket and withdrew his phone, he only broke eye contact for a second to click the name he was searching for and he brought his eyes back to yours. your eyebrows drew together in confusion.

who would he be calling during the middle of the argument - and finally you heard it when the other person answered the phone and you could recognize that sickly sweet voice anywhere. your jaw dropped and you made to stomp away when mark used his other hand to gently hold onto your arm, pulling you a bit closer than you were before to stand in front of him.

“mark, honey, i’ve been waiting for you to call! how’s korea? you just have to tell me all about it.” she asked loudly through the phone and you frowned at the way she spoke to mark.

“korea’s fine,” he chirped politely as if his eyes weren’t telling you otherwise. “my family is well, the wedding is going as planned, and linda, you’ll never guess who i ran into!”

“oh do tell, you know i love the gossip.” she laughed through the phone and you saw mark’s eyes darken.

“y/n.” the anger in which he said your name, but it not being directed at you, was both a relief and worried you at the same time.

the deafening silence from her end was answer enough for mark.

“and she told me the funniest story,” snark dripping from every word, “hilarious actually. but i think i’d rather hear it from the horses mouth, you know?”

“look, mark, sweetie, i’m sure she misunderstood or she must have been confused by our conversation that day, i only meant to tell her-“

“what?” mark interjected. “tell her that she was burdening me? holding me back? that i called her fragile? i think that’s exactly what you meant.”

she hesitated before answering, but her answering tone was the same as she used with you that day.

sweet condescension.

“well, yes. she was bad for you,” she said shortly.

“oh no, i disagree entirely. i think the one bad for me, was in fact, you.” and she sputtered on the other end of the phone and you couldn’t help the small upturn of your lips to hear her at a loss for words, the smile not going unnoticed by mark if the softening of his eyes were any indicator.

you realized in that moment how you let your anxiety and self doubts ruin something that was perfectly fine to begin with.

linda scoffed, the haughty sound coming in loud through the phone’s speaker.

“oh, please. you’ll thank me someday when you’re big and famous, dating some supermodel. someone at your level of fame.”

mark was silent, his eyes taking in your face and he knew how hard hearing things like this must have been for you. he knew of your insecurities, and he thought he did his best to reassure you but he realized the one time it mattered most, he let it slip through the cracks.

he realized his lack of presence in that moment ruined what you both had.

linda took his extended pause as agreement with what she was saying.

“see? you know that i’m right. anyway, mark, honey, let’s-!” mark cut her off mid-sentence.

“no, what i know… is that you’re fired.” he said calmly, and your eyebrows raised and your eyes widened and you opened your mouth to argue - yes, you hated the woman but she had helped him with his career. mark lifted the hand that had been gently holding your arm to place a finger on your lips, effectively shutting you up with a smile on his face.

linda screeched through the phone, an abrasive noise that sounded awfully like a dying cat.

“you can’t fire me, you ungrateful d-.” and mark hung up the phone, tossing it onto the counter of the kitchenette behind him.

you swallowed thickly now at the sudden silence that fell over the room. mark moved his hand from your lips to wipe the tears that had ran down your face earlier and you avoided eye contact with him then at the gentleness of his hands.

“mark, i…”

“you said you loved me, so you left. did you stay away because you loved me too? change your number for the same reason?”

you nodded, “i thought i would be making it easier for you…”

“do you still love me now?” your eyes snapped back up to his. you decided to be truthful.

“i can’t do anything but love you.” mark’s smile at your answer ignited butterflies in your stomach.

“and i…” he said stepping closer into your space, reaching down to hold your hand in his as he brought it to his chest, his heartbeat a steady rhythm that you could feel. “i have no choice but to love you.”

you felt tears well up again in your eyes at his admission, and you bit your lip to try to keep them from spilling over.

“you still… are you still in love with me?” your voice quivered, and you cleared your throat trying to tame the burning sensation that came with holding back your tears.

“without a doubt.”

“well, if you really do love me… if you love me like i love you then…” you looked between his eyes to his lips, and as you blinked the tears you had been holding back fell. and mark tilted his head, his playful smile making you smile with him through the tears.

“then kiss me.”

mark didn’t waste any more time, one hand tangling itself in your hair and the other cupping your jaw tenderly and you melted into the kiss, wrapping your arm around his neck and pulling his body flush against yours. five months of anger and sadness and longing pouring out in the movement of your lips. you were crying still but the tears were more out of happiness this time and mark continued to kiss you through it. he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours, lips centimeters from yours, his breath hitting your lips and you closed your eyes, both of you breathing heavily. his voice was soft when he spoke.

“five months spent wasted because i didn’t reassure you enough, i’m… i’m so sorry, y/n.”

“and five months gone because i was too afraid to talk to you… i’m sorry, too.” and you opened your eyes to see he had tears in his eyes this time and you let out a small laugh.

“did you miss me that much?” you joked softly, eyes shining with the happiness that you had pushed down finally seeping through.

“shut up,” he groaned and swept in to kiss you again.

that night, neither of you slept alone in your separate beds.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the next day found you and mark, surprisingly (to everyone else) friendly, almost flirty, with each other and it didn’t go unnoticed by everyone else in the wedding party. ryujin walked down the aisle to an overjoyed donghyuck and the proceedings went on without a hitch.

the reception was loud, and a bit wild as after the first dance, no other slow song was played. ryujin and donghyuck made it feel like you were clubbing, and if you danced with mark a tiny bit provocatively, no one seemed to notice or care.

during one of your breaks from dancing while you stood near one of the tables, you felt a hand tap on your shoulder and you turned to face them. once you saw their face, your jaw dropped.

“it’s you!” you couldn’t help the gratitude that laced your voice.

the old lady from the airport stood there, the wrinkles from years of smiling showing proudly on her face.

“see, i told you everything would be okay, didn’t i?”

you nodded, smiling and you couldn’t help yourself when you leaned in and gave the woman a hug.

“grandma? you know y/n?” it was mark’s confused voice that came from over your shoulder, coming behind you to rest his hand on the small of your back.

“oh, not really…” she gave you a secret smile, and continued, “but mark, dear. do tell ryujin and donghyuck it was a beautiful wedding for me, i’m sorry but i’m too old to stay up with the younger crowd nowadays.” she patted mark on the arm and said goodnight to you both, leaving you with a wink. mark looked back and forth between you and her and you only shrugged in answer, and you pulled him back out to the dance floor with a smile.

eventually, the night had to come to an end though, but not before the traditional throwing of the bouquet. you were pulled onto the floor with the other bridesmaids and the second ryujin tossed the flowers over her head, the other girls dispersed leaving you to be the only one standing to catch it. you were confused at first but when ryujin gave you a knowing smile, you couldn’t help but laugh at their group effort. and so you turned around to find mark smiling at you and clapping at the edge of the crowd, and you smiled brightly at him as if he hung the stars himself, newfound confidence in every step as you walked up to him.

you threw your arms around his neck and kissed him fully in front of the guests who remained, mostly the small group of friends who all knew each other well. mark wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you slightly off the ground, while your friends cheered dramatically behind you.

breaking the kiss you smiled at mark before he set you down, and both you and mark turned and caught sight of ryujin and donghyuck sharing a highly triumphant high five.

it all clicked then, every step had been planned by your cunning best friend… and you couldn’t even be mad anymore.

how could you be, when it all turned out to be okay?

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

epilogue:

you sat at the table of celebrities like you belonged there, no longer feeling as if you were the misfit amongst them.

a year and a half had passed since ryujin and donghyuck’s wedding and with it came changes.

all of them, you could say, were good.

you battled your anxiety and won… well mostly won, you still had your moments but the second you called mark for reassurance, he was there in an instant with gentle words of affirmation, which you discovered was your love language.

you and mark got married six months after donghyuck and ryujin did, and mark’s reasoning was sound in his opinion.

“i spent five months apart from you, and i think i’ll die if i have to do it again. so i’m locking you down, babe.”

you couldn’t argue with him on that.

and now this moment, the moment where upon hearing mark’s name being called you stood up and cheered, clapping a little louder than the famous people next to you. mark kissed you quickly before running up on stage to receive his award.

it wasn’t an oscar… yet.

but the golden globe would do.

his speech went as he rehearsed with you in your bedroom in the off chance he won. being nominated was enough for him, he had said but you encouraged him to have a speech prepared, just in case.

you had no doubts he would win tonight.

you were right.

his speech was coming to an end, something you could quote with him word for word, until you heard him derail from what he practiced beforehand.

“and i just wanna say the biggest thanks of all to my wife. who, without her, only half of my dream would have been achieved,” he gestured the award to you and the smile he wore was lighting up his entire face. “without you, this wouldn’t matter at all to me. so this one’s all for you, babe. thank you.”

you stood and clapped again, accepting mark back to his seat with an excited hug.

fate - well, ryujin - may have had it out for you, but it was okay in the end.

and you could honestly live with that.

#gimmehyuck #masterlist #nct 127 #nct 127 au #nct #nct dream #nct dream au #mark au #mark lee #mark lee au #mark lee fic #mark lee x you #mark lee x reader #mark lee x y/n #mark lee fluff #mark lee angst #technically?#this made me fall for mark so hard ngl #he’s so precious

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starrgaziinggg · 3 months

Text

by your side | lee minho x reader (3.5k words)

warning -> heavy topics. lots of sadness. a little angst. read at your own risk, it may break your heart.

Minho held flowers behind his back. Lillie’s, with baby’s breath and tulips, too. The florist had raised an eyebrow at the odd combination of flowers, but he had shrugged in return. They were your three favourites, after all.

You’d been distant for a while now. Not taking him up on the spontaneous adventures you were usually jumping at - hiking, road trips, going to the beach and always swimming in the sea even if it was freezing cold. Anything that helped pull you both astray from your mundane office jobs.

Minho didn’t know what he’d done. Not a clue. The only time you’d been this weird with him was when he forgot your third year anniversary. Forgot has to be used loosely, since him forgetting was only a ploy to surprise you with a hotel stay and a fancy dinner. And even then, you’d been in a huff for about three hours and gotten over it almost as quickly as you’d gotten into it.

This was different. He felt you physically pulling away from him. Hence, the early return of work and the bouquet of flowers.

He hesitates before opening the door of your shared apartment, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket. Balancing the flowers, he pulls out his phone to read the text.

Seungmin

Hope all goes well, lover boy

Let me know when she’s feeling better, she owes me a shopping spree

Minho chuckles inwardly at the younger boys text. He’s the whole reason he met you all those years ago - Seungmin’s friend from high school, his roommate during the first year of college. Until, that is, Minho became infatuated with you and stole you from him, as Seungmin would so lovingly put it.

He’d lied when Seungmin had asked him if everything’s okay. “She’s just feeling slightly under the weather,” he’d replied. He pockets his phone, takes a deep breath, and pushes open the door.

But you’re not there, sprawled out on the couch like you usually would be. No kdrama streaming, no snacks on the coffee table. In fact, the apartment looks desolate, until he sees you walking out of the bedroom.

With a suitcase. A fucking suitcase.

“I -,” Minho starts, hesitantly pulling the bouquet from behind his back. You look at him, tears brimming in your eyes, before looking at the window.

“This isn’t working out,” you rush, a stupid mess of words that stab Minho in the heart. “I’m going to stay at my parents for a bit. Please don’t contact me.”

Minho can’t find the words. There’s only a handful of times he’s been speechless, and this is one of them. It’s not working out? The four years you’d been together hadn’t worked out? What the fuck did that even mean, when all you’d shared together was the happiest memories of Minho’s life.

“What’s happening?” he asks, his voice small as the flowers fall to the ground. The confusion is evident in his tone, even more so when you don’t reply and start walking towards the door.

He blocks your path, taking your arms in his hands gently. “Please talk to me. Whatever it is, I can fix it, we can fix it. Just please, please don’t leave.”

You don’t look at him, eyes trained on the ground. “It can’t be fixed.”

He interrupts you, shaking his head furiously, the tears finding their way down his face. “It can! We can fix anything, yeah? Me and you, forever, that’s what we said.”

“I’m sorry,” is all you say, rushing past him and fleeing the apartment, slamming to door behind you and leaving Minho alone.

He’ll phone you in the morning when you’re calm, he decides. He will think of whatever could be the reason you’re leaving him, and he will do everything in his power to fix it.

He sobs into his hands for the remainder of the evening.

Felix is hitting the buttons of the controller furiously, a weak attempt at beating Seungmin and Jeongin at Mario kart. It was tradition, for the boys to come round to Minho’s and yours to play games on a Friday night. Minho had, for obvious reasons, attempted to cancel, but the boys had heard none of it.

“She’s probably just going through a phase,” Seungmin says absentmindedly, eyes not leaving the screen. “She once iced me out for five days because I ate her last ice cream.”

Minho huffs. “It’s been a week, Seung. A fucking week and she’s not responded to a single one of my calls or texts. I just want to talk to her, figure out what I’ve done wrong.”

He’s felt like a shell of himself the past week. Waking up in the morning without your touch on his skin is hell and he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

“Have you cheated?” Jeongin asks with a cheeky grin. Minho sends a pillow flying at his head. “Sorry! I was kidding, I know you’d never.”

“Maybe she just needs some space,” Felix offers. “You know what you’re both like, clung to each other constantly. But, saying that, I fucking miss her too.”

“And she still owes me that shopping spree,” Seungmin adds, which Minho rolls his eyes at.

“You mean she hasn’t been texting you guys either?” He asks, confused. Seungmin was your friend long before he was Minho’s, and you were just as close with Jeongin and Felix as him. Icing him out was one thing, but leaving your friends out of the loop? Absurd.

“Nope, and if she doesn’t respond in the next week I’ll be taking the two hour trip to her family home and cussing her out,” Seungmin says, which slightly brightens Minho’s mood. The guys don’t seem to think anything of this, so why should he? He knows you, and he knows you wouldn’t waste the last four years over nothing. You’ll come back to him. You had to.

On one particularly lonely night, Minho looks through the scrapbook you’d made after a road trip with the boys. It was spontaneous, a summer idea that started as a drunken conversation and ended with the five of you packing your bags and driving three hours to a cabin by the lake.

The boys had been restless, hitting each other in the back seat and fighting over who got aux. You’d calmed them down instantly, opting to play car games as Minho drove. When you arrived at the cabin, the first thing you did was go down to the lake and feed the ducks.

“How often do you think these little guys get fed?” You’d asked him, chucking the pricey store bought food towards them. Minho had chuckled, snapping pictures of you bent down by the river side.

“I’d say pretty often. Look how fat that one is!” He pointed with a laugh. You’d swatted at him.

“Don’t fat shame the duck, you bully,” you’d laughed, making sure every single duck had eaten before standing up. “Maybe we should have a barbecue tonight! The weathers amazing, and if we leave it to those three to choose we will be going into the local town to get takeout.”

Minho smiled, pulling you into his embrace and pecking you on the lips. “That sounds great. You and Felix could make bibimbap too?”

You’d clapped your hands, kissing him before breaking away and promptly declaring a race back to the cabin.

He smiles sadly at that photo, the one of you feeding the ducks, but can’t help but laugh at the one of him, Felix, Jeongin and Seungmin in very little clothing because Jeongin thought it would be an excellent idea to play strip poker.

There’s another one, of you on Minho’s back, sticking out your tongue as he held up a peace sign, with Seungmin fake gagging in the back. No matter how much the boys teased you, he knew they loved the two of you together. Jeongin had proclaimed you as the mum and dad of their friend group, often taking care of the younger boys.

And another on the next page, a picture of Felix, items stacked on top of his body as he slept on the sofa. You’d written, ‘this is why you don’t fall asleep first after drinking!’ In the scrapbook, and he traced your handwriting with his finger.

He just wanted you back.

When Seungmin arrived back from his trip to your family home, he goes straight to Minho’s, as instructed. Minho opens the door for him, hopeful and eager. But Seungmin’s face falls.

“She wasn’t there,” he says, moving past Minho to sit on the couch.

“What do you mean she wasn’t there?” Minho asks, his tone sharp, stressed, anxious.

“I mean, when I went to the door and asked to see her, her parents said she wasn’t in,” Seungmin answers. “Said she wouldn’t be back until tomorrow, but I couldn’t stay and wait for her because I have work.”

There’s a million thoughts running through Minho’s mind. It had been two weeks now, with zero contact. He’d been despondent at work, caging himself up in his apartment that no longer smelled like you. And now Seungmin wasn’t even able to reach you.

“Do you think she’s met someone else?” He asks, barely a whisper, his worst fears making themselves known. Seungmin takes his hand, patting it.

“She wouldn’t do that to you, you know she wouldn’t,” he says assertively, which gives Minho an ounce of reassurance.

“I just want her to talk to me,” Minho sighs, shaking his head.

“Me too, Min. Me too.”

Minho (10 unopened messages)

Today

Felix

Hey Min

Hope you’re okay

I can come round later if you want

Jeongin

Bro

I hate seeing you like this

We’re gonna figure this out, yeah?

Message me back

Seungmin

I promise

I’ll get her back to you

It will be okay

You (126 unopened messages)

Today

Minho

It’s been exactly a month

Please come home to me

We can figure it out together

I love you my darling

Felix

I miss you so much

Please come back to us

Jeongin

Come on

Minho’s a mess without you

Me too

We need you

Seungmin

Get your ass back home

It’s been a fucking month

Why are you doing this do us?

Everyone misses you like death

Just come back

Minho’s walking home from work. It’s been a shit day, a disciplinary with his boss because of how distant he’s been, and all he wants to do is curl up in his bed and think about nothing.

That’s when he spots someone that looks all too familiar at the other end of the street.

It’s you. He knows it’s you walking down the street because he bought you that jacket and that beanie. And he definitely knows it’s you when he shouts your name and you turn around.

And then he’s running down the street like a madman, apologising every time he bumps into people in his attempt to catch up to you. He does so easily, which he finds strange, because you can run faster than him when you want to.

He’s out of breath when he reaches you, placing a hand on your arm as you whip round to face him.

You look tired. Pale and tired.

“Please don’t run away,” is the first thing he says, looking between your eyes as you stand there shell shocked. “Just come up to the apartment and we can talk.”

You reluctantly agree, and momentarily Minho is the happiest man in the world. Even if you didn’t want to be with him, he deserved an explanation.

The two of you walk silently to your old home, walking up the familiar stairs to your door. Minho unlocks it, closing it behind the two of you and taking a seat on the sofa, expecting you to do the same.

You don’t. You stand in front of him, fiddling with your fingers. It’s then he really takes in your appearance, and he can’t help but think you look worse than he does. Was this taking a bigger toll on you than him?

“Before…before we have this conversation,” you start, your voice small. “I need to know if you really want to hear this, because I think it’s better you don’t.”

He shakes his head. “Whatever it is, I want to know why you left me. I need to know. Don’t you think I deserve it?”

You sigh, nodding. Because Minho did deserve it, he deserved an explanation. You just didn’t want to tell him it.

“I’m ill,” you say, and Minho almost wants to laugh, because so what you’re ill? He doesn’t give a fuck, he’ll nurse you back to health.

“I’m terminally ill,” you continued, and that’s when Minho sees the tears brimming at your eyes. You pull off your beanie, and your hair is cut short. “I found out two months ago. I didn’t know what to do, but I -"

You hesitate, the tears falling from your eyes as you wipe them with the sleeves of your hoodie. “I don’t have long left. And I thought it would be better if -”

“You thought it would be better for me to not know?” Minho says angrily, the tears coming to him. You were sick. Terminally sick. And he hadn’t been able to see you for quite possibly the last month of your life. ��You thought it would be better for me to sit here for a month worrying about you when I could have been by your side?”

“Minho, stop,” you cry, and he stops, because you asked him to. “I didn’t want you to see me like this. I didn’t want anyone to. I thought if you hated me for leaving you it would be easier when I’m gone.”

Minho has a lump in his throat from your words. When you’re gone.

“Nothing you could ever do could make me hate you,” he says softly, taking your hand and sitting you down on the sofa beside him, because right know he was furious but he loved you more than anything in this world. “Nothing. I just can’t believe you thought…didn’t you know I’d be there for you? Through everything?”

“That’s the problem,” you sob, burying your face in his chest. “You would have had to drop everything to take care of me, and watch me deteriorate because of this fucking illness, and I couldn’t do that to you, or the boys. I don’t want your last memories of me to be ruined.”

He placed a hand on your head, smoothing down your hair and consoling you as you both cried. It seemed like hours, you just sat there sobbing.

“How long?” Minho asks in a voice so small.

“The doctors think another month at most,” you say. “Imagine finding out you have only months to live. I had no idea I was even ill, until I passed out at work and found out…found out I was. They found it too late.”

Minho shakes his head, angry at everything in this world, with tears in his eyes. Why you? Why the love of his life, why the girl who was kinder, smarter and braver than anyone he knew. What had you ever done to deserve this? And he wished it was him. He so, wholeheartedly, wished he could take all you pain and give it to himself.

“Can you promise me one thing,” he whispers, pulling you back gently so you can face him.

“What is it?” You ask, tired and lifeless. He does hate seeing you like this, he knows you were right, but he would take seeing you like this over not seeing you at all any day.

“You let me be by your side throughout the rest of your life. Everything. Every doctors appointment, anything - I want to be there. And you call those boys and get them to come here and we will do everything we can to make you live happily,” Minho says, so sure of himself that you can’t help but nod. You should have known your boyfriend would want nothing less in this world than to be by your side.

Seungmin, Jeongin and Felix are a mess when Minho and you sit them down to tell them the truth. They all sob uncontrollably, hugging you so gently, it’s as if they think you’ll fall apart.

True to his word, Minho does not leave your side for the next month, and the boys spend as much time with you as they possibly can. Some days are harder than others, but Minho holds himself together for your sake, not letting you see him falter once.

He takes you to the beach, letting you watch him jump around in the sea. He brings the boys over to watch movies instead of play games so that you’re not overwhelmed. And when your body starts shutting down, he reads to you in the hospital, all your favourite books.

You live as happily as you can with the boys who adore you for another month and a half. You pass away peacefully, in your sleep, with Minho holding your hand, your parents beside you, and Jeongin, Felix and Seungmin in the waiting room.

“I want to start by thanking you all for coming today,” Minho says, putting on a brave face. He looks around the room that’s brimming with people, too many they had to bring in extra chairs. It was an open funeral, for anyone who wanted to attend. Your work colleagues, college friends…people even Minho didn’t recognise in which your life impacted them. And Felix, Jeongin, Seungmin and your parents in the front row.

“My girlfriend…she will continue to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’d never see her without a smile. She could be a stubborn thing,” Minho starts, earning a sad laugh from the crowd. “But I think anyone here can agree she had a positive impact on everyone she met. Everyone. I remember the first time Seungmin introduced me to her, she saw past my somewhat cold demeanour instantly. She saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with her.”

“She has this aura, you see, which you can’t help but to be entranced with. She always puts others before herself. She didn’t even tell me she was ill, because she didn’t want me to be burdened with her. As if she could ever be a burden to me,” Minho shakes his head, a stray tear rolling down his face.

“So, I know she wouldn’t want us to be sad for her. She would want us to think of only the happy memories we have with her, because life is too short to dwell on the negatives. And I am so lucky to have so many amazing memories with her, so lucky.”

Your parents are smiling at Minho, tears in their eyes. Felix is sobbing, Jeongin trying to hold his tears back. Seungmin smiles sadly at Minho, nodding at him to continue.

“My love, I’m sorry that you didn’t have as long as I’d hoped for you. I’m sorry we couldn’t grow old together, with a house in the suburbs and the cats you’d dreamed of. I’m sorry that we couldn’t celebrate our four year anniversary together, because happy anniversary, by the way.”

A sad chuckle carries out through the crowd. People Minho doesn’t know are crying, shaking their heads at such a cruel fate.

“Maybe in another life, my love. Rest easy.”

Through the rest of the day, Minho receives hugs, apologies, and condolences. He’s told he carried himself well and his speech was beautiful. He thanks them kindly. When they bury you, he’s a mess, Seungmin by his side with Felix and Jeongin clinging to each other too. When everyone starts to disperse, your parents lay flowers on your grave, taking a couple minutes to say goodbye. When they’re finished, they ask the boys if they’d like to say a few words, standing to talk to Minho as they do so.

When they come back, tears staining their faces, Seungmin nods at Minho. He walks away from the crowd of people and sits beside your grave, placing his own bouquet beside the others. Lillies, babies breath and tulips.

“I don’t know how much more I can say without bawling my eyes out again,” Minho chuckles sadly. He can picture you laughing and shaking your head at him. “But I just wanted to thank you, for everything. All the happiness you brought to me. It’s going to be tough as fuck to move on in life without you, but I promise you, I will not waste it. See what you’ve done to me? I was such a cynical prick before I met you, and now here I am, promising to make the most of my life.”

Minho wipes at his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I never got the chance to do this, but fucking hell I wish I had. I hope there’s an alternate universe out there where I had.”

He pulls a box from his jacket pocket, opening it up and looking momentarily at the ring shining back at him.

“I’ll never forget you, my love,” he says, placing the box amongst the flowers.

He stands up then, walking back toward the boys and your parents. Seungmin hugs him, holding his arm as they walk away. Minho spends the rest of the day sharing stories and laughs with the people close to you, remembering your life with fondness and happiness you deserve. He would always hate the world for what it did to you, but he could never hate it for letting you be by his side, until your last moments.

Till death do us part, my love.

i cried writing this.

#stray kids #lee know #skz #stray kids angst #stray kids sad #stray kids reactions #stray kids minho #lee minho x you #lee minho x reader #minho lee #lee minho #skz au #stray kids au

167 notes · View notes

lanas-delight · 5 months

Text

the one that got away.

♫ rec: when i was your man by bruno mars

✰ an enhypen scenario || word count: around 2k, w/ fem-presenting!reader, heeseung, & sunghoon

✰ description — years after an anniversary dinner gone wrong, heeseung finds himself singing at your wedding as a favor to you and your new husband, even if that meant he’d have to bury his feelings and his regrets from the past.

✰ warnings — angst. literally just a lot of angst.

✰ note — inspired by the off my face cover by heeseung (and A LOT of kdramas....). 🤍 enjoy !

(why didnt i change the warnings good god IGNORE THE OG WARNINGS ITS FIXED NOW I FORGOT TO CHANGE IT WHEN I COPIED THIS FORMAT FROM MY OTHER DRAFT OMLLL)

The sun had fallen in the early evening. The sky was dark, though plastered with stars. It was a day in mid-July, a clear day after a week's worth of rainy days, and the air felt so clear, the breeze so warm but soft. It was a day that would begin your new life, and relive in your memories every day for the rest of your life. You knew that too well.

In a white tent surrounded by a meadow of sunflowers, lights all around, lighting up the grounds as the wedding march echoed from the grand piano, everyone was standing, watching as you, the bride, walked down the aisle, hooked arms with another’s arm, as you approached your fiancé, soon-to-be husband, Sunghoon. His furrowed brows raised at the sight, you in a beautiful white dress, lace at every edge of the dress, your hands delicately shown off bare, your ring finger empty only for a few more moments. Sunghoon gazed at you, admired every piece of you, curving his lips into a smile. A whisper, “You’re so beautiful, Y/N,” comes from his mouth for only you to hear. Your cheeks heated up, just like they did on your first date, when he said a cheesy pick up line to make you laugh, which it did, but you felt your cheeks heat up, like you were blushing, too. He noticed it quick.

The priest started to speak, everyone took their seats once again. It went quiet, only the soft echo of crickets in the far distance behind the strong voice of the priest’s. He goes on to welcome the guests and start the speech to where Y/N and Sunghoon would repeat his words and then kiss to confirm their marriage to one another. They had said their vows privately that morning, backs facing each other on a wide bench by the water. It was beautiful, and it respected the tradition of not seeing each other before the wedding. It was your idea, and Sunghoon tried his best to not sneak a glance but he knew you looked so beautiful.

You had this day planned out since you were six, the first time you took one of the pillow sheets and put it on your head like a veil, prancing around the house like a happy bride. You picked out your ideal dress through boredom on a late night in middle school, chose what your bouquet would like in after a trip to a community garden. You had met the most perfect man, had the perfect life, your perfect wedding, but there was something missing.

In the crowd, in the middle of the third row on the left side, sat Heeseung, his hands knotted together in his lap as he watched you kiss him. His face was pale, his eyes wide but inside, he felt his heart shatter and all the little pieces fell to his stomach. There was a part of him that knew he had no reason to feel this way, but he couldn’t help it.

He wasn’t supposed to be there. He only went because you asked, as a favor. He was a singer, a very good one, and the original singer you had hired came down with the flu last minute so you called him in a panic as a last resort. He said yes, which surprised you, but you were thankful. You gave him a list of songs that the original singer had made for their performance, and Heeseung told you he’d be there and that was the end of it. Now, at the wedding, you had forgotten he was to attend at all. You felt his stare, amongst the other eyes glued to you from all around the room, but his was distant, yet it tore you apart little by little.

After the kiss, everyone rose from their seats and clapped, cheering for you and Sunghoon, except Heeseung. He didn’t stand with the others, but once he did, he turned and scooted through the other people in the row so he could get ready for his performance at the reception.

If he was asked about how he felt, not that he ever would be, but if he was, he would say that it took everything in him to stay for the reception and to sing in front of everyone—old friends, some faces he didn’t recognize, and the family he was supposed to be apart of. It was his fault, everyone in that room knew it, claiming more than Heeseung did, but that wasn’t true. He relives his nightmare everyday, seeing you with another man, happier without him.

You and Sunghoon had gone off to change into more comfortable, though still formal outfits, with Sunghoon wearing a lighter colored suit, a loose tie and one open button at the top. Meanwhile, you looked like a diamond, white dress that fell to just above your knees, maybe of silk and satin, oh it looked wonderful on you. It was the dress Heeseung had picked out for you years ago, but you had forgotten that. It was now the dress that you and Sunghoon would have your first dance in. Nothing Heeseung ever did for you mattered anymore, maybe it never once did.

Everyone had taken their seats at their tables, drinking champagne and waiting for the speeches to start. Heeseung sat at the stage, his face low to keep hopefully no attention on him whatsoever. You and Sunghoon sat at this long table, with the maid of honor, best man, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen all on either side of them. The best man started first with his speech, his name was something with a “J,” an English name, but his accent was no American. He was apparently dating the maid of honor—who started her speech directly after the best man’s—which made Heeseung smile a bit because he had met the maid of honor plenty of times before, when he was with you. She used to be voluntarily lonely, never wanting to date because she could never find the one. But it seemed she did. They have a son, last he heard. He was happy for her, even though he knew that she hated him for everything that happened with you.

Sunghoon’s speech was next, and it was absolutely beautiful. Poetic, if you will. He spoke nothing but beauty and love of you, every word a new meaning for you, describing every perfect you behold. It made Heeseung want to fall apart right at the spot. He promised himself he wouldn’t let himself fall down this hole again, that he’d move on and fall out of love with you, but that could never happen. He was stuck on you. There wasn’t a single reason to him that made him not love you, or even consider the possibility of not loving you. You were his moon, his star, his every part of him, but you didn’t love him. You haven’t loved him for a long time. You weren't his, and he wasn't yours.

Then, it was time. Sunghoon and you walked to the middle of the dance floor, holding each other’s hands and preparing to dance as Heeseung stood up and approached the microphone stand. He glanced back at the pianist behind him who nodded at him before starting to play the song, Off My Face by Justin Bieber. Their song. But it wasn’t theirs anymore. He was sure that it never was.

Heeseung clears his throat quietly as he turns back to the microphone, one hand wrapped around it while the other fell to the stand, holding it gently, space between his palm and the pole. He starts to sing, every note and every line perfectly harmonized as the couple danced together.

Everyone watched the couple quietly, with eyes of admiration and small smiles, but only one ever looked at you and it was you. Sunghoon’s back faced Heeseung for a few moments as you and him swayed together, and that was when, just between the chorus and the verse, you had met eyes with the boy you once loved, the one singing at your wedding to another man.

Once the song was over, Heeseung stepped back to take a drink out of his water just as everyone else joined in on the dancer floor for another song, one more upbeat than the slow, love song he had just sung for the couple’s first dance. He sang another song, then another, and a couple more before his set was done and he grabbed his stuff and headed out of the reception tent. He headed to the parking lot just a hundred feet away but just before he made it there, his name was called and his heart stopped for a second. It was you.

“Heeseung, wait,” you caught up to him, holding your heels in your hands so you wouldn’t break them or twist your ankles trying to catch him before he left. “You’re leaving?”

Heeseung quickly looked over to the tents then back to you. “Yeah, I, uh, finished my set.”

You reached your hand out to him, “No, you should stay. Enjoy it,” you gave him a smile, “Might be the only wedding you’ll attend,” it was a harmless joke, but Heeseung took it differently.

“Are you saying I won’t get married?” His voice sounded hurt, but stern at the same time. He was trying to stand his ground, while dying on the inside.

“What? No, I— I was joking,” You lowered your hand, “What’s wrong?”

But Heeseung raised his eyebrows. “What’s wrong?” He scoffed, “You asked me to sing at your wedding, of all things, of all people, you asked me to come here and relive everything that happened.”

You were confused, “Relive? You mean I would have to relive it? You broke my heart, Heeseung. You were never going to marry me. We had no future—”

“Did I say that?”

“Say what?”

“Did I say I would never marry you?” Heeseung repeated, “Did I ever say we had no future?”

You stepped back, “Well no but you never did anything that proved otherwise.”

But Heeseung shook his head and rubbed his face, trying to stay calm as you continued on.

“You never told me you would marry me, you never even asked about our future or even talked about it. You and I were together for three years and there was nothing you did that gave me any hope at all for us.”

Heeseung clicked his tongue, pushing his hair back, “God, Y/N, are you really that oblivious?”

You furrowed your brows, “What?”

“I was going to propose to you that night.”

Seven years ago, you and Heeseung met at your work—a cafe at the time—because that morning, he was craving a frappe and he knew that the cafe you just so happen to work at made the best coffee. You were his barista, and he fell in love with you the moment he saw you. He left his number on a napkin and you waited a day to call because you didn’t want to seem desperate, but also that you didn’t want to see him again either. On the first date, so memorable, you read out your favorite quotes from your favorite books, which he asked for because he knew you liked to read. Over a handful of dates and a million talks, you and him fell for each other—hard. He was all who you wanted, for three years, he was the boy you wanted to marry. He was your endgame, or you wanted him to be it.

For your three year anniversary dinner, he had made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, bought your favorite flowers, and dressed in your favorite suit of his. You wore his favorite dress, a white, short dress that fell just above your knees. You two headed to the restaurant around six, seated around six-thirty. It was good at first, he opened the car door for you, held the restaurant’s door open for you, pulled the seat back and pushed it in for you. He did what he always did. But for months, you wished for more. You had been wanting to hint for him to do something more, to take the next step in the relationship, but it was never the right time to talk about it. But instead, you dropped hints. For a year now, every day, you’ve dropped some kind of hint, and only realized that morning that it had been a year, and there was nothing. No conversations about the future, not even a poke at it. Nothing. You had enough.

During appetizers, you broke the silence, which was only there because he was eating and you were sipping on your wine, with a simple, but cold statement—“I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Heeseung, confused and taken aback, almost spit out his food. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about us, Hee. You’ve done the same thing over and over again, for the last three years, and you’ve never even given the thought of asking me to marry you.”

“Y/N—”

“And I’ve dropped hints, every single day since our two year anniversary—a year of this cycle, I can’t,” You shook your head, “I had your mother talk with you about proposing, I had your brother talk to you endlessly about his own wife. God, I even had a fake email about wedding rings sent to you by my friends so you’d finally ask me!” You abruptly stood up from your seat, everyone in the room was staring at you and him. You sighed. “I can’t wait around anymore for you.”

Heeseung stared at you, tears slowly forming in his eyes, those bambi eyes of his, “Y/N . . .”

You shook your head, “It’s over, Heeseung.” And you grabbed your coat and left the restaurant. He sat there, completely still. Everyone stared for another few moments out of pity before turning back to their own dinners. Heeseung slowly took out the box from his pocket and set it on the table, opening it and looking at the ring he had bought months ago, waiting for this exact day to propose to you and to make you his bride. But he was too late. He was just a day too late.

“I took you to your favorite restaurant, asked you to wear my favorite dress—which you’re wearing for him tonight, ironic enough!—and I wore your favorite suit. I took you there and I ordered your favorite foods, your wine, everything. I had it all planned out. I was going to tell you how much I loved you after we ate the appetizers,” Heeseung declared to you then, a choking sob in his throat, “I was going to propose to you minutes after you decided we were over. I noticed every hint and I planned it all, from the beginning. But I was too late. Right?”

You had started to cry, “Heeseung . . .”

He shook his head, “I have never stopped loving you, since the day I met you. Not even when you ruined me, when I cried for months on end, for the humiliation, the heartache, I have never stopped loving you. Until tonight,” he turned, "Goodnight, Y/N."

“No, Heeseung, please,” you went towards him, grabbing his arm, “Please,” implying you wanted a second chance, just a few yards from your newly wedded husband. Heeseung knew he didn't love you anymore. Tonight was his closure. The regret, the miserableness, the mourning of what could've been—it was finally over.

“You remember that quote you told me? On our first date?” Heeseung stared at you, coldly, “Maybe if you were the moon, I could’ve loved you the same,” he then scoffed, “It had always been about us, huh?”

You shook your head, “Hee, please—”

“No, Y/N.” Heeseung took his arm out of your grasp, stepping back from you, “Congrats on your marriage,” and he walked away from you, leaving you to fall to your knees on the grass, crying to yourself as he got into his car and left. You got up a few moments later and returned to the wedding.

You never told Sunghoon what happened, claimed you fell on the way back to the tents after you had gone out to thank Heeseung for coming since he was leaving so abruptly, and Sunghoon, being the kind person he was, didn't question any of it. He helped you get cleaned up and danced with you until it was time to head off to your honeymoon. But Heeseung never left your mind.

Months went by, then years, and Sunghoon never knew what you had done that night, begging Heeseung for another chance, that you would've thrown everything you had for the boy you broke. He never knew.

On the night of Christmas Eve, the one following your eleventh wedding anniversary, the kids were asleep in their rooms while you and Sunghoon put out the presents from "Santa." One girl, and two boys. You didn't think you'd want kids, let alone three of them, but you loved and cherished your kids entirely. Your oldest was ten, middle was seven, and the youngest was three. You had gotten them toys, clothes, etc., but that didn't matter. It was when you seemed off, like you did every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every holiday. Sunghoon finally asked about it, and that's when you told him.

You told him about Heeseung, what he said to you, how you feel about him, and the absolute and miserable regret you had for letting him go. Sunghoon didn't say anything for a while. He just stared at you blankly, not sure how to respond or react, so he didn't. He just sat down on the couch and covered his face with his hands. You tried to sit with him but he scooted away before turning to you, telling you that he should've known. You reassured you loved him now, but that wasn't enough. You both knew it wasn't enough.

Divorce followed shortly after, joint custody where the kids will spend every other week with either parent. Sunghoon was cordial about it all, which was good for you, you guessed, but you didn't want a divorce. You loved Sunghoon, but not the way you should've all these years. He deserved better, and you wish you could've gave him what he deserved, but at the end of the day, you didn't love him. You loved Heeseung.

You searched Heeseung up the moment it came to mind, thinking you could go back to him as your last resort—just like before—but to your unfortunate surprise, Heeseung was married. On the night of your wedding, Heeseung drove to the bar to straighten out his thoughts over a few drinks. There, he met his future wife who sat beside him and actually bought him a drink because he was looking at her a lot but not actually making a move. They married the next year, and have a son around your oldest's age. He looks at her the way he used to look at you. He didn't love you, and hadn't for a long time. You lost him, and that was never going to change. There was nothing you could do to get him back, to make things right, to fix your marriage, your family, to get closure. Alone, you were, but you sought out to get better.

You started therapy, and eventually, convinced Sunghoon to go to couple's counseling with you. A year or so passed, you and Sunghoon decided to give it another try. You wanted that happy ending, and you worked for it. You loved Sunghoon, more than ever, never to lose that love, because he was your husband, the love of your life, the father of your children. Sunghoon was who you wanted to love for eternity, not Heeseung. You didn't love him anymore. You finally moved on, just as he had.

Because he wasn't yours, and you weren't his.

end.

-------------------------------------------------------------

a/n—i'm gonna be completely honest.. i was watching a lot of kdramas when i thought of this shit, but i hope you guys enjoyed it anyways! thank you for reading <33

119 notes · View notes

jeonqkooks · 1 year

Note

hello, my angel! congrats on your anniversary for starters hehehehe, i love you!

for the drabbles requests, could you do:

21 and 41 - smut

8 and 9 - fluff

thank you 🥰

velvet cherry | jjk (m.)

pairing: jungkook x reader

prompts: "call me that again." + "lay down and stay still."

rating: 18+ (minors dni)

genre: exes to lovers (??), agent/spy au (idk it's pretty vague but all you need to know is that their profession is smth like this!), some fluff, some angst, definitely smut

warnings: mentions of injuries, mentions of violence (gunshots, blood), mentions of death, cursing, shower sex, unprotected sex (this is fictional. don't do it irl, be smart dudes), fingering, a lil dirty talk, UNEDITED bc i'm a menace :p

word count: 5.9k

note: pauli bby!! thank you for the request hehehe. the initial idea i had for this request was different but i was watching bad and crazy (kdrama) and every time lee dong wook has an action scene i'm just sitting there in front of my laptop, full on thirsting bc 🤤🥵 and i just had to channel it into this piece!!

— as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

Everyone is yelling, screaming. Even the force trying to shake you into consciousness practically shouting in your face. Your head feels like it’s been split into two even without all of the loud noises threatening to deafen you. Your body hurts. You’ve definitely bruised your ribs, if they aren’t already broken. Even your face, which remains unmoving, aches from the simple act of breathing.

Inhale. One, two, three…

Exhale. One, two, three…

Stay alive.

It would kind of really suck if you died right now.

Embarrassing, even.

“C’mon, c’mon, wake up! Y/N!”

Huh? You know that voice.

It feels like your eyes have been glued shut, but that voice is so familiar that your lids wrestle with weariness to get a look. It can’t be him, can it? How would he even know that you were here?

Does that mean this is heaven? Or the void, or wherever the fuck it is that people often preach about? You have never believed in an afterlife because any and all life ends after death. Your soul doesn’t enter another spiritual plane of existence; you just simply cease to exist. This has always been your stance on the matter, but now, as you listen to that voice desperately cursing out your name, you waver.

Because that’s the only way you can explain why he’s here.

Oh, so you did die?

“Y/N!”

Heaven, or the void, or wherever the fuck this is, sure is loud.

You force your eyes open despite the debilitating exhaustion eating away at you. It takes a moment for your vision to adjust to your poorly lit surroundings. From the corner of your eye, you see small fireworks erupting before their booming echoes reverberate throughout the room. The lead projectiles whiz above your head, right behind the silhouette of him hovering over you, calling for you, shielding you.

Once his face becomes your focal point, everything around you staticizes. You can’t find it in yourself to care about the screams, nor the gunshots, or even the gash in your side where a knife grazed you earlier.

Not when he’s looking at you like that. Like if you were to die, there’s not a single part of him that would hesitate to follow.

“I thought I recognized th–that voice.” You cough, feeling the cut on your lips open wider. You hadn’t noticed the metallic taste on your tongue until now. “Funny seeing you here, Jeon.”

The feeling in the pit of your stomach thickens. It could be relief, or it could be dread. The lights go out before you get a chance to decipher which one it is.

The next time you wake, you jolt upright with a gasp.

“Ah, shit,” you instantly groan; it feels like something sharp is jabbing into your abdomen. You brush your hand over the spot to find smears of crimson on your clothes, but the wound underneath doesn’t seem to be bleeding anymore.

Where the fuck is it now?

Your frantic eyes scan the room, expecting to find yourself still in that warehouse, hopelessly holding on for life while your teammates get killed one by one.

But you aren’t there anymore. There aren’t bodies scattered all around you nor bloodstains splattered carelessly on peeling walls.

No, where you are smells like jasmine and fresh cotton. It’s warm and bright, and it’s filled with framed photos of a familiar dog that you once loved even more than his owner. The couch beneath you feels like a cloud carrying you through the pearly gates.

Arguably, this seems more like heaven. Or is it a twisted version hell? It feels like a stretch that someone like you could get into heaven, if there even is one.

“Welcome back, sleeping beauty.” His voice from behind startles you into action. You spring from the couch, or more like, you clumsily jump up only to be met with white hot pain that courses through your entire left side, and fall down onto the sofa again.

“Fuck!” you hiss through gritted teeth.

He rushes over, almost dropping the mug he was holding in his hand. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

Apologetic hands help you into a proper sitting position. You don’t know why or how, but it really is him.

Jeon Jungkook, what a sight for sore eyes.

The discomfort you feel in your body takes a backseat momentarily as you stare at him and his beautiful doe eyes, shimmering with concern though it’s now much more diluted than before. He examines the stitches on your forehead and your side, it’s been a while since he’s done this.

“Y/N, are you okay?”

You snap back into reality at the sound of this.

Fuck! How could it have possibly slipped your mind?

Your words come out in an uneasy rush. “Where’s Namjoon and the others?”

Jungkook stares at you, tongue in cheek, blinking in mild disbelief. Of course the first question you ask is about your team. You haven’t changed, he sees. “They’re at the hospital. They’re fine,” he says.

You close your eyes and heave a heavy sigh, visibly relaxing at his confirmation. When you turn to him again, you ask, “Where are we?”

“My apartment.”

“Why? Why am I not at the hospital with them?”

“You don’t remember?”

The confused look on your face tells him as much.

“You woke up while they were stitching you up. Nearly made a scene and everything. You kept saying you wanted to go home, but your place was trashed so I… brought you here.”

You wonder if you had actually demanded to be brought to his place specifically, after seeing him when you were so delirious before. You wonder if he’s just sparing you the embarrassment. “Oh,” you say simply, glancing around the room. You haven’t been here in a long time, but most of the things here are still the same.

“You haven’t answered my question. How are you feeling? Are you okay?”

You shrug, ignoring the throbbing pain that has dulled into a perpetual pinch in your side. “Of course I’m okay. Still alive and kicking.”

Jungkook’s brows furrow just the slightest. “You almost died tonight.”

“But I didn’t die, did I?”

“Why are you acting like it’s no big deal?”

Nostalgia washes over you in waves. You’ve had the same conversation a million times before.

“Because it isn’t that big a deal,” you say, feeling the urge to coat your words in a thick layer of bravery. “It’s not my first rodeo.”

“And that’s supposed to make it better? You could’ve died!”

“What is up your ass?” you ask jokingly, but it doesn’t sound right even to your ears. “You keep pushing it like you wanted me to die.”

Jungkook stares at you blankly, but you can tell that he’s agitated by your flippant attitude. You regret the words the very second you said them.

“That’s not funny,” he says, his voice strained.

Slightly ashamed, you look down at your hands and fiddle with your grimy fingers. “Y–yeah, I’m sorry. That was… too far.”

There’s a bitter taste in your mouth as you watch him grit his teeth and attempt to exhale a steady breath. It comes out a little shaky, a sign of his frustration. He takes a few minutes to calm his nerves while you sit there in silence, not usually tongue tied around him but even you know that what you just told him was pretty fucked up.

Finally, Jungkook says, “Get some rest. You had a long day.” He goes to help you up without you asking, still so considerate even when he’s trying to not be angry at you, but that’s not what you need right now.

“Can I take a shower first?” you ask.

“You just got your stitches a couple hours ago. You can shower in the morning.”

“I know. It’s… I’m covered in blood and dirt. I’d really like to wash it off.”

He looks at you as he considers it. This isn’t Jungkook’s first rodeo either. He had to deal with you countless times like this, when you’re freshly wounded but you don’t seem to give a damn about doing things that might hurt you even more.

“Suit yourself. You know where the bathroom is.”

You mutter a thanks as you let him pull you up from the cloud that he calls a couch. You could feel his eyes on you as you wobble to your desired destination, but even the short distance between his living room and bathroom proves to be a whole trek in your current condition. You’re surprised that you even made it to the hall when your legs finally gave out on you. You brace yourself against the wall, but one of Jungkook’s strong arms is already wrapped around your waist, steadying you before you could collapse.

“You should get some sleep. You can barely walk,” he urges gently.

“I feel like shit, Jeon,” you tell him. “I won’t be able to get any rest like this.”

“Y/N–”

“We both know you’re not talking me out of it. You can choose if you’re gonna help me or not, though.”

“You want me to help you… shower?”

“Will you?”

He won’t, you’re sure of this. Jungkook isn’t teasing or frivolous as you are. He doesn’t go around testing people’s patience like you do. The relationship didn’t end on bad terms, and you think he has deliberately kept it that way because you have to see each other at work so often, even though you’re assigned to different teams. You want to keep things light, to joke around with him, to essentially still be you and him minus the romance but Jungkook keeps you at arm’s length. And if you’re honest, you can’t blame him for that. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck sometimes; you used to love him after all.

He looks pensive for a moment, and you don’t know why he’s even pretending to consider it when he’ll just say no anyway. You’re prepared for him to reject you and leave you to your own devices, but then–

“Fine,” Jungkook says, voice flat, eyes blank. “C’mon, I’ll help you.” It surprises you into complete stillness, wondering if the doctors and nurses fucked up when they were stitching up your head. The man in front of you raises an eyebrow when you don’t respond to him, as if he’s challenging you, which staggers you even more because he usually doesn’t entertain your outrageous ideas like this. Especially not after you parted ways.

You blink a couple of times and find your voice from where it’s stuck to the back of your throat. “Okay then. Lead the way.”

Jungkook guides you down the hall and into the bathroom. You think he’s just baiting you, challenging you back to see if you would actually be okay with hopping into the shower with your ex because even though it isn’t that scandalous of an idea to you, it is to Jungkook. You expect him to back out any second now, but once you’re standing under the warm white light of his bathroom, he asks if he could take off your clothes.

Have you underestimated him?

You nod your head, eyeing him with a smug smile tugging at the corner of your lips and a barely-there layer of underlying nervousness. His face gives nothing away. So you two are really going to do this, huh?

Jungkook peels off your bloodied shirt, careful not to let his fingers brush against your skin though they will have to in just a few minutes. He averts his gaze as he helps you step out of your clothes until you’re completely bare.

You mistake his reluctant eye contact for shyness. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before,” you joke.

True.

But no, that’s not the reason why he refuses to look at you.

He hated seeing you in pain, covered in bruises and cuts. It’s why the two of you broke up. You were too stubborn to quit, and he couldn’t stand watching you treat yourself like mere collateral damage, as long as you get the job done.

It wasn’t that you couldn’t take care of yourself. In a lot of ways, you’re far more capable and skilled than he is. But sometimes you can be reckless, a little too hot headed for your own good, a little too heedless of your own safety than he can handle.

He loved that you were remarkable at what you do; it’s what drew him to you in the first place. When you used to spar together, at the beginning of your relationship, he loved that you could kick his ass so easily. Sometimes, even on his best days, he was still no match for you.

But what’s the point in dwelling? None of that matters anymore.

Jungkook takes off his own clothes then, and you resist the urge to focus on his body too much. He’s gotten even more muscular than the last time you got to see him naked. Hard pecs that are practically popping in your face, solid abs that demand to be touched… Well, this is going to be… interesting.

He tests the water first before he lets you go in. When you finally do, you sigh as the warm water rains down on your skin, enveloping you in a liquified blanket of comfort. You’re trying not to let your eyes wander, you really are.

You hum happily when he smooths the shampoo over your hair. As his fingers massage your scalp gently, a soft moan escapes your throat. The sound travels straight to his groin, making him stiffen just a little bit and poke into your thigh. You bite your bottom lip to suppress a giggle but Jungkook just clears his throat awkwardly. Getting a boner feels inappropriate in a moment like this, when you’re his ex and you had nearly died earlier tonight.

But he isn’t responsible for the way his body chooses to react, not really. You’re showering together, for fuck’s sake. Though to be fair, he has no one to blame but himself for this irrational decision.

When he lathers you up with his body wash, you decide to do it again, just to tease him. As his hands start kneading one of your breasts, you let out a slightly exaggerated moan.

He knows you’re doing it on purpose, but his dick is stupid and it hardens regardless. “Quit it,” Jungkook says.

“Quit what?” you ask, batting your eyelashes at him coquettishly. You put a hand on his chest, then trails it lower to graze his defined abs. “You look like you’re enjoying it, no?”

He doesn’t answer you, choosing to focus on his task of washing you instead, as if ignoring you will make you stop whatever it is you’re doing.

You trace your fingers along his V-line until you wrap your hand around him, making him hiss as you touch him. You give him a few lazy pumps until his member is standing tall and proud, just for you.

“Y/N…” Jungkook grits his teeth and swallows thickly. The steam is suffocating him. You are suffocating him.

“You can tell me if you don’t want it.” You tilt your head up, letting your face inch closer to his until your breath fans his lips. You feel him grip your waist – an act of restraint – then quickly loosen his hands around your body as if he suddenly remembered that you’re still battered up. You brush your lips against his, just testing him. You both know a kiss would be so much more intimate than what you’re doing to him down there.

He parts his lips slightly, the temptation is getting too strong to resist. You cloud his judgment the same way the hot water encloses the room in a mystifying haze. He presses forward to capture your lips, only to feel himself completely melt against you in an instant.

You taste like longing, like regret. Something like a needle pierces right through his heart when you give him a needy sigh, muffled by his own lips.

He knows he shouldn’t do this, but is it a mistake? Even if it is a mistake, he can’t find it in himself to stop, now that it has already started. You’re still as alluring and captivating as ever, and he’s still the same Jungkook who always fell to his knees for you.

“Touch me,” you whisper.

“Y–you’re hurt,” Jungkook rasps. Is that the only reason? There’s no conviction behind his words and he knows you know it. If he was really against this, then he would’ve stopped you already.

“Please.” Your voice is different, desperate, when you say this. He can’t tell if you’re crying or not because of the water still glistening on your face, but it doesn’t matter. When your hand guides one of his between your legs, he squeezes his eyes shut, searching inward for that last bit of self-control that’s nowhere to be found right now. You’re so fucking slick, and as his middle finger slides through your sodden folds to find your entrance, your head falls upon his shoulder.

“Fuck,” he mutters to himself, barely audible to you over the sound of running water. You’re hurt. He knows he should stop, but he can’t. His thumb finds your clit in no time, and nudges it the way he remembers you liked. You choke on an exhale, now grinding against his hand and gripping his biceps to keep yourself upright. He rubs you leisurely as the water cascades down your bodies. A part of him thinks he’s twisted for enjoying the quiet whimpers you let out.

“Are you sure?” he asks, both hoping for and dreading the answer you might give him.

“Yes,” you confirm. You press his hand harder against your core, as if you’re begging him to pleasure you. “Make me feel better.”

Jungkook slides two digits into you before he slants his mouth over yours, swallowing the moan that you instantly keen out. You’re wet enough that his fingers can drive in and out of you without much mercy from the get-go. He buries them in you until he’s knuckles deep, scissoring you open how he always did to prepare you for his cock.

“Fuck, Jeon,” you purr, rolling your hips to meet the thrusts of his hand. “That’s good.”

“Yeah?” He smirks, finding that spot inside of you that never fails to make your legs shake. His strong arm holds you flush against his body as he relentlessly fingers you, absolutely loving the way your juices run down the back of his hand. There’s a sense of arrogance in the way he fucks you, even though he was hesitant about it just moments ago. The quivering moans that you grace him with are fucking addicting. At least for now, he has you. Standing in his shower, begging him for release, whispering in his ear things that he hasn’t realized how much he’s missed hearing until this very second.

His fingers ram into you until your inner walls are pulsing around him and your voice hitches beautifully. “Fuck!” you cry, holding onto him as the high crashes down on you, sending shockwaves throughout your entire body. You grind down on his hand, wanting so desperately to prolong the pleasure like you’re afraid he’ll take it away from you. Jungkook would never dream of giving you anything less than what you deserve, so he maintains the momentum of his thrusts, fucking you through your orgasm even when you clench so tightly around his digits that it becomes more difficult to move. He helps you through it until your breath no longer comes out in heavy pants, until the only stars you see are the ones in his eyes.

As he withdraws his fingers, you give him a chaste kiss as if to say thank you. He doesn’t expect anything more; it’s enough that he could give you a helping hand in your time of need, make you forget about everything even if it was only for a little while.

But then you’re deepening the kiss, one hand tugging on his hair as the other finds his hard cock again. He groans against your mouth, torn between asking you to keep going and letting you stop. “You don’t have to…” he mutters, placing a hand over yours.

“I want more,” you say breathily, but somehow it sounds almost demanding. “I want you.”

He stares at you with uncertainty in his eyes. “Are you sure you can handle it?”

Your answer comes in the form of a squeeze around his length, making his eyes flutter briefly as he rests his forehead against yours. “I can always take you.”

You watch Jungkook clench his jaw before he crashes his lips onto yours, promptly slipping his tongue into your mouth to draw the neediest of moans from you just by his kiss alone. He lifts you up by the back of your thighs and cages you between the wall and his chest. Your legs wrap around his waist as he presses his body against yours, slowly grinding his cock against your throbbing heat. You whimper when his tip nudges your sensitive clit.

“I need you,” you cry out, rutting against him desperately. He hears it then – the vulnerability in your voice that you try to mask with desire – and that’s when he thinks he gets it. You’re shaken.

You were scared tonight. That’s not something that happens very often.

He was scared too. He nearly lost his mind when he heard the news that your team was ambushed. You should’ve seen his frantic state when he raced to the scene, heart speeding a thousand miles an hour at the mere thought of something happening to you. He prayed to every god he didn’t believe in that you’d be okay, that the phone call he received minutes prior was just a sick prank someone was playing on him.

“I’ve got you,” Jungkook says, diving in to kiss you again. There’s a lot more to those words than either one of you would like to admit.

You both sigh when he pushes in, and although it’s been a long while since your bodies knew one another like this, there’s barely any resistance. He fits perfectly like you were made for each other. He’s bigger than you remember, already feeling so good inside of you that you think you could come with just a few thrusts. Instead of moving, he stays there like he wants to memorize the feeling of you, so warm around him and so inviting.

He was always the sentimental one.

“Move,” you whine, still bossy in a moment like this. He chuckles against your mouth before trailing his lips tantalizingly slowly across your jawline and down your neck to your breasts, where he sucks on your skin harshly, marking you. His hips pull back, making you moan from the delicious glide of him along your slickened walls, before they snap forward and set a pace that has your eyes rolling backward.

“Shit, nghhh…”

It’s like no time has passed at all. Jungkook still remembers everything you like, still knows your body like the back of his hand. You feel like you’re practically transcending the limits of space and time with every thrust of his hips and every motion of his mouth. The rough way that his fingers dig into your thighs to hold you up makes it so much more heightened as his lips wrap around one of your breasts, sucking it harshly into his mouth, his tongue laving at your hardened nipple. Now that you’re finally experiencing this again, you don’t know how you could go two whole years without it.

Every part of you misses him.

No one knows how to please you like he does.

“So fucking good…” Jungkook grunts, flicking your nipple with the wet muscle of his mouth. You arch your tits further into him as moans of unfiltered pleasure fall from you. Even as he fucks you into oblivion, he’s still mindful of your injuries. Strong hands kneading your skin roughly but softening when they brush over your bruised spots.

He tries not to pay much attention to your battle scars, but how could he not? He feels them under his fingertips everywhere they go. Some are from before you met him, some from after. Some he doesn’t recognize because you must have acquired them during your time apart. He always hated them. You used to tell him that you wore your scars proudly, that they are proof that you survived every horrible thing you’ve had to face.

That’s certainly one way of looking at it, but Jungkook hated them then and he hates them now. Not because he thought they made you ugly – no, nothing could make him see you as anything less than the most beautiful person he has ever laid his eyes upon – but because they remind him of all the times that you have had to suffer. They made him feel unworthy of you, for not being there to keep you safe.

But not like you would have let him anyway.

“Ah, fuck, Koo…”

His hips stutter in surprise. He’s not sure if you did it on purpose, or if it just slipped out in the heat of the moment.

“Call me that again,” Jungkook tells you. It doesn’t matter that the simple nickname brings up feelings he’s been trying so hard to suppress. It doesn’t matter that those feelings are damn close to spilling over the confines of his wretched little heart, that it will fucking hurt later when you leave He just needs to hear you say it again.

“Koo, fuck! Right there, keep doing that…”

He tears his mouth away from your chest to come up and chase your lips. His tongue slips inside to dance with yours, so much more intimate than it is dirty that it makes you dizzy beyond nostalgia. In a split second of weakness, it makes your heart want to be his once more. His thrusts are now even faster than before, harder and more calculated.

He pulls back enough to look at you and takes in the blissed look on your face, how your lips part when he hits your g-spot just right. “Y/N, I…”

“I know,” you whimper, your nails digging into his back and leaving angry red trails in their wake as they drag downward. “I’m close too.”

That’s not what he was going to say. Maybe it’s a good thing that you’re too fucked out to notice it.

“C’mon, I’ve got you,” Jungkook resorts to saying. He keeps up the rhythm of his hips, determined to give you what you want the most. He’s pounding into you so impossibly deep that you can feel him in your guts, each thrust making the base of his cock grind against your aching clit. It feels so fucking good, you can’t even see straight anymore. His hand is unknowingly digging into a bruise on your leg but the pleasure is too overwhelming that you’ve stopped caring about the discomfort. This is exactly how you wanted him to fuck you – hard enough to make you forget the pain.

It hits you even harder than before. You cum with a cry of his name as your toes curl and your body shakes in his hold, stars exploding behind your eyelids when the orgasm wracks through you like an earthquake. Jungkook’s hips never cease their movements, fucking into you until you find enough strength to squeeze your walls around him and pulls him in for a sloppy kiss. He unravels then, filling you up endlessly with his warmth that you’re sure you’ll feel for days.

You stay like that for a while, just holding each other, until he softens inside of you and you feel your releases drip down your thighs and onto the floor. The water promptly washes away the remnants of your heated session. When he slips out and helps you to your feet, you want to chase it instantly – the feeling of him, with you, where he’s supposed to be.

You aren’t fully present for everything that happens afterward. As Jungkook dries you off and dresses you, he feels something tug on his heart at the sight of you in his clothes. Your tired face and the way you lean into him, trusting him to keep you steady as he prepares you for bed. Trusting him to keep you safe, to protect you.

He can’t help it.

He tilts your head up by your chin and kisses you softly. Slow. His lips are gentle, but he’s sure of himself. This isn’t the first kiss you’ve shared tonight, but in many ways, it is.

When Jungkook pulls away, he doesn’t say anything. No excuses or explanations on why he chose to do it when the lust has waned and the moment is no longer heated enough to muddle his mind. You don’t ask for anything either; you just let him lead you into his bedroom. That doesn’t mean that you don’t want him to just tell you anyway.

He tucks you into his bed as if you’re a child. When he’s sure that you’re comfortable enough, he turns to leave.

You protest immediately. “Where are you going?”

“To the couch,” he says, like it’s obvious.

You sit up in order to push yourself from the bed, erasing his previous effort of tucking you in. “I’m not making you sleep on the couch in your own home.”

“Lay down and stay still,” Jungkook sighs before pushing you back onto the mattress again. “If I stay here with you, will you please sleep in the bed?”

You purse your lips, considering this for a moment before you compromise. “Yes.”

He turns off all the lights and makes his way to the other side of the bed, getting under the covers with you. You’re disappointed when he puts a little distance between your bodies. It’s not that you expected anything to come from your brief reunion, but your heart sinks regardless. Surely, sleeping in the same bed as your ex can’t be worse than having sex with him? You’ve already done the latter, but somehow this feels so much more intimidating.

You do what you do best when you don’t want to deal with your more difficult feelings – crack lame jokes and hope they’re enough to diffuse the tension. “Why are you so stiff? Scared that I’ll fuck you? Already did that, Jeon.”

Jungkook throws you a humorless chuckle. “Was that your plan all along? To seduce me?”

“It just happened,” you say. “To be honest, I wasn’t sure if you even wanted it before y’know… you popped a boner.”

If the silence in the room was a little bit louder, then you could probably hear the way he pauses halfway through a breath. He doesn’t entertain you for much longer, even though it feels like he’s got something on his mind.

He doesn’t ask what this means for the two of you, if it even meant anything. What’s the point in trying if the outcome is the same? His stance on the matter hasn’t changed at all. After what happened to you tonight, it just fueled him even more. He won’t deny that his feelings for you are still there, because he’d be the first to admit that they never went away to begin with. Jungkook would try, he would try for you a million times over, but in the end, where would that lead to if you wouldn’t even try for yourself? You’ll just keep breaking his heart day in and day out, over and over again if this recklessness of yours persists.

“Go to sleep, Y/N,” he says tiredly.

You bite your lip, disheartened that he’s shutting you out again, even though he has every right to. “Okay,” you mumble.

Despite the exhaustion submerging you like a tidal wave, you can’t find rest. You were conscious for barely half a minute when Jungkook found you in that abandoned warehouse, but you could hear the panic in his voice as he tried to shake you awake. He never had to find you like that before. When you were still together, every time you got hurt, you never let anyone call him until after your wounds had already been stitched up, until you were sure that you were good enough to crack a joke once he’d rushed to the hospital.

Tonight was the first time he saw you on death’s door. You didn’t know if he even cared anymore. You were scared to think that he didn’t.

But then you heard that voice of his, and you opened your eyes just long enough to see the tears fill his eyes. You were so out of it that you thought maybe, just maybe, there was a piece of his heart that still felt something for you. Something beyond just concern for an ex lover.

You don’t know how much time has passed, with you lying there staring into darkness. “Jeon, are you asleep?” you ask quietly, only to be met with silence from his side. Nothing but his steady breathing. You want him to be awake to hear you say it, though you’re not sure how you want him to react to it. The past 2 years have been hard. Your own guilt chews you up and spits you out every single day. The breakup was your fault, wasn’t it? It wasn’t just Jungkook who repeatedly expressed concerns for your safety. Your parents never wanted you to go into this line of work in the first place.

You were too selfish to really consider anyone but yourself. You and Jungkook both do the same thing – you go out and risk your lives every day. But back then, you didn’t understand why you should be the one to stop. Why not him? Why just you?

The difference between the two of you is clear as day. Jungkook knows when to stop, and you don’t. He wanted to be able to make it back home to you more than he wanted to catch a bad guy. He put you first. He put the people who loved him first.

“I think I’m going to quit.”

Your chest feels so much lighter as soon as the words leave your mouth. Something evaporates from within you, a burden that’s finally been lifted, and that’s how you know it’s the right decision. You aren’t doing it just for everyone who loves you but is terrified for your life all the time. You aren’t doing it just for Jungkook. You’re doing it for yourself too.

Peace finally finds you then, as though it’s been waiting for you this entire time.

You don’t mind that Jungkook is already asleep. You said it, and admitting to yourself that maybe it’s time to stop, is good enough. Having that conversation with him in the morning won’t be late. You’re already halfway to dreamland when you feel him right behind you, enveloping you in a warmth that’s so distinctly Jungkook. He carefully wraps an arm around you and pulls you close to his chest, close enough that it feels like his heart is beating right into yours. He sighs, like he’s wholly relieved too.

You can’t discern what he says next, but you can feel the kiss he presses against your hair.

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