#my life so like everythings fine but i dont know what to do because a tumblr

[discocactusblogs]

🕯️

#how to keep hopeful when you feel like God's not going to give you the one thing youre hoping for #how to keep from being angry at God because you just don't see movement in your life in this one area #yet when you pray for God's will #He assures you you're where He wants you #I have never wanted this thing before and now that I'm older I find myself longing for it #It's hard to listen to my parents when their only answer to everything is “pray about it” as if I havent been doing so for years #It's hard to take their whole “be patient” speech seriously when my mom married at 21 #My dad only slightly understands but I feel like its different at the same time #I was perfectly fine in church until the Pastor told a story about a married couple and the whole church was laughing while I nearly cried #I am the only single lady in my church on top of the only single person in my age group #I'm not even sure why God gave me this desire for marriage and a family #I feel like “God why would you give me this burning desire to have a family and marriage that glorifies and honors you if you weren't going #to give me said thing?“ #I'm asking God to help me enjoy being single but at the same time I feel myself starting to grow bitter and thats something I dont want. #I know not everyone is called to be married and thats what's got me messed up and angry because if I'm not called to marriage #why did He give me the desire for it? I feel like that's just cruel and I know God isn't mean or cruel #also sorry Narni for stealing the way you rant lol #I feel bad everytime I post a rant and using tags seems to work better so I don't feel so bad

[wickershells]

txt

#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me #i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am #truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside #or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just #me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here #i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious #i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont #want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they #i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish #i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here #i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see #and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all #be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself #theres an abyss where my personhood should be #i have to leave i have to get out of here

[kendallroysmethpipe]

Everytime I remember my dad I get so upset I can literally feel my blood pressure rise

#i hate him so much i hate him #i hate how he wants me to act like an adult and still let him control me like a child #i hate how he thinks he knows whats best for me when he didnt even raise me #i hate how he acts like im unreasonable and evil and selfish and crazy because i decided that i want to have my own life I HATE HIM #he acts like i blow everything out of proportion I LITERALLY DO NOT #im never going to forget how he told my mom he cant have adult conversations wifb me because i shut down I DONT SHUT DOWN U JUST CANT #HAVE A CONVERSATION WITHOUT BEING CONFRONTATIONAL OR AGGRESSIVE SO I WALK AWAY BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO FIGHT #sorry. im fine

[skinnymeanfaggot]

also

#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats #just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind #i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence #he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged #with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive #always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell #accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this #and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little #affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do #the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i #fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty #even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck #either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that #anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there #i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack #in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing

[yawn-emoji]

#who i was march 24 2022 and who i am now are completely different people. i remember crying in caffe reggio to zay sun and adiba because #my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that #morning. and the whole trip was overshadowed by this sense of grief and fear and horror at what was unfolding back at home while i was #trying to pretend everything was okay and that i was fine. i never cry in public but i cried on the q train while visiting my coworker who #lives in manhattan and then i sobbed in a xi’an famous foods location in manhattan w my brothers because the cheapest and earliest train #home was that night and i had no idea what to do w myself #and when we got home finally we all knew what the diagnosis was but nobody wanted to say it not even the doctors. i dont think anyone used #the actual word cancer to us for months. they cloaked it in such technical terms so as to make it easier to swallow but it was still like. #an elephant in the room yk? nobody told us the stage either but it was a stage iv glioblastoma and i remember going on r/glioblastoma and #just crying reading all the posts abt how difficult this disease is. most projections were six months to a year and a half. a lot of people #even chose not to get treatment because of the high probability that it would make no difference to the prognosis. i have no idea whether we #made the right choice going w chemo or not honestly. only time will tell i guess. inshaAllah this will prove to have been the right choice #idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have #given up so much for my dad at this point and i still feel like it’s not enough but also i’ve been trapped by this sickness and i’ve given #up my life to it and idk how to rebuild myself from here. i need to move on w my life but what if these are the last moments w him and i #take those for granted by not staying home to take care of him and spend time w him. again idk what im trying to say here i just have no #idea how we got to this place. it still feels like some insane fever dream that i will suddenly awaken from #seeing pictures of my dad even from 2021 is the hardest thing. i have no idea what happened to that bright funny charismatic loving man. he #is literally a shell of himself at this point and i hate it. it actually turns my stomach sometimes because it all is so wrong #none of this was supposed to happen he was supposed to retire peacefully somewhere tropical in a couple years not get diagnosed w cancer #journal #illness tw

[todayisafridaynight]

YEAH NO TONBI GOT HANDS.......... my timing on suggesting it may be Questionable but I AM very glad it holds up as a movie :] hopefully the interview and We Make Antiques are fun diversions! But also take it easy <3 can confirm Nakai is Pretty Moe in both though <3 And I WILL harass you about Masato's VA next week...

TBF YOU SUGGESTED IT A WEEK OR SO AGO twas on me for taking a while to get to it... nevertheless i did really enjoy it thank you..... AND YAYA IM SO STOKED TO WATCH THE FULL INTERVIEW AND WMA2 THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆!!!!!

esp cant wait to hear about masato's VA in the future.. 👁️👁️

#snap chats #LISTEN i think we all just have to accept at this point any time there's a story about a doting father or fts a doting father #i will cry like its unavoidable. so whether my life's falling apart that week or everything's fine #There Will Be No Difference In How Much I Cry ☠️☠️ im just built terribly what can i say it makes for GREAT inspo tho #tonbi WAS real cute tho and i did enjoy it a lot Because yasu did remind me of my dad a lot #very lucky to say my dad's never slapped me or thrown water in my face tho so LMAO BUT FOR THE MOST PART Yeah... #in a way it weirdly felt like watching an AU of my life. if i may sound insane. listen i already said the kid's name had me twisted LISTEN #fr tho cause ive always wondered what my life wouldve been like if i was able to be raised by my dad instead #im gonna make myself start crying if i get too deep into it LMAO NEEDLESS TO SAY i really enjoyed the movie :) #EVIL that they really did let us see akira get married and now yasu gotta give a speech and If He IS Anything Like My Dad #i know damn well he was winging it and didn't prep a script and I Will Start Crying if i think back to my sis's wedding #STILL MAD THAT THE ONE TIME I HAD TO PISS WAS RIGHT BEFORE HIS SPEECH BUT WHATEVER MOVING ON #said i wasnt gonna talk bout the movie/my dad anymore lest i make myself UPSET yet here i am... always saying more when i shouldnt ☠️ #but yeah... i have ONE (1) more comm this week Lest Someone Wants To Snipe A Spot IDK #SO im gon do that :] #and im kinda tired rn... but the uncertainty of how much time i have nowadays urges me to work on it a bit #i dont THINK it should take super long but it IS a full-rendered piece so.... it will take time needless to say #n e way not to sound insane but nakai is An Endearing Chap. is the most sane way i can put it #i mentioned it durin a stream but somethin bout him just naturally exudes cute... idk... im delirious probably ANYWAY BYE FR NOW #CANNOT WAIT for next week to be harassed 🥰🥰

[fabulouslygaybean]

i always find it so funny that so many of y'all are all for the death of cringe culture until someone does something you personally find to be a little TOO weird and then bully them till they shut up. like you can't have it both ways. you can't scream out "cringe culture is dead!!" and then hurt people for harmless interests :/

#THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO GENUINELY HARMFUL INTERESTS AND THE LIKE #someone liking shit like the new Antisemitism Simulator: Wizard Edition is perfectly fine to make fun of bc they don't care about who - #- they harm so why should we? #this is just about generally harmless stuff that people are just having fun with #EVERYTHING is a little stupid. someone finding joy in something is GOOD and we shouldn't beat people into the ground for it. #its one thing to PERSONALLY avoid a piece of media bc you dislike it but its shitty to think other ppl have to hold the exact same opinion #i dislike lots of things!!! and you know what i do? i just avoid it!!! i dont engage in content surrounding it!!! easy peasy!!! #i dont have to make fun of anyone in the process!!! we can just go our separate ways and nobody is harmed!!! #a lot of my close friends like things i personally dislike!! and that's good and fine!!! when they talk about those interests i listen - #- and try my best to engage bc i dont want them to feel bad just because it's not my taste!!!! #sure its so easy to spew hatred and make everyone feel bad but like. why would you WANT to spend your life making people feel awful?? #that sounds like a miserable life. when you have the opportunity to improve the lives around you through something as simple as being - #- nice then why wouldn't you do that? #it might take a little effort but its so worth it in the end

[sleepyhomosexual]

.

#i just like‚ don’t want to do anythin anmore lol #im so tired and have no sense of time i never know what day it is or what time it is i feel so lost #maybe i’ll just rot away in my room #i need to cry but the tears never come i always cry when i dont want to #let me fucking cry argrhrhggg #rotting away in my room forever probably gonna spiral but its fine i whatever i have water so peace and love i guess #im just so deeply sad and i’ve been just unhealthily scrolling on social media i need to stop instagram is so stupid for making reels #never going on instagram reels actually just say no #ugh im literally so sad and dont want to do anything i keep seeing nature and its just so beautiful and i think about a life i could have #i think and think about it and want to cry because it’s the most ideal life i could ever hope for but its just a silly fantasy #i know i’ll never actually have a life i want #i just want to live in a cottage and paint and be good at it and go for morning walks when the sun rises and afternoon walks when its rains #and pick flowers and go home and make soup and have a nice room to get all comfy and why am i even saying this lol #with the way the worlds turning out with everything unfortunately revolving around money i’ll never have an ideal life #it just feels like my whole life is just crumbling down around me #anyways im like totally fine by the way im literally so silly all of the time

[apathyfairy]

i spent 3 months watching gilmore girls and i finally finished it and a year in the life and then netflix is like hmm what should we recommend... gilmore girls season 1 episode 1 is starting in 3 seconds

#against my better judgement i watched a year in the life again and it was so much worse the second time. i only watched it when it first #came out and then forgot everything that happened because it was so bad it didnt even have to be that bad but it was so bad. #like this might be an unpopular opinion but god whenever they reboot shows or do like a reunion the magic from the original is just gone #that came out wrong i dont mean the original show loses it's magic but that the reboot is missing the thing that made the original special #like ok spoilers and also unpopular opinions but there was just like no chemistry between any of the cast anymore IMO. imo dont come for me #i have no idea what the actors were doing or what they had to move around to make cameos or whatever but just imo alexis was like on another #planet i have no idea why rory was like that. it was just so. routine and expected ? like they were acting how we would expect them to act #but it was just so insincere? i guess is the word #like season 7 sucked and we all know it but god season 7 was better than a year in the life in retrospect #the ONLY good thing about a year in the life is emilys story like good for her finally living her own life and finding what she loves #that makes sense and that all adds up like love that for her. #im biased because ive been a jess girl since i was 8 but jess. fantastic. sucks that he's still in love with rory but hes doing great fine #lane deserved more than that that was bullshit that she was there for 5 minutes and sookie too like #from what i remember melissa mccarthy couldnt be in it or didnt want to or i dont know but i didnt like that they essentially made sookie #abandon jackson and her kids idk. #christopher i dont care about but PARIS deserved more as well #dont get me started on the wild plot omg. #but that's another thing that ruins the reboots is they just try to add such topical references and it just ages so badly imo #and anyway im just so confused. rory is still sleeping with logan but she has a boyfriend whose name she cant remember but also #she's having one night stands at comic con ? #all for the show to end with SPOILER her saying she's pregnant ? #? ? ? #? #ok. #like. they ruined her character a long time ago but they just completely gave up in this. #lorelai is lorelai i expected nothing else so it was boring i just. think this was the wrong show to do a reunion with i dont know. #i didnt watch it but i think the friends thing is the best way to go where they dont make new episodes but just bring the cast back together #like it was so much better with us all just imagining luke and lorelai got married and had another kid and rory went on to be a journalist #and that was that but here we are

[sexybabystevie]

this is to ONE PERSON and one person ONLY. if you're confused, it's not you!

#you know. i saw you posted today from a different account. and it was one i totally forgot about #i didnt even feel like running back this time. was i curious? yes. did i end up looking? yep. #im saying this even though im 98% sure you cant see it but whatever. since when has that stopped me before? #you seemed fine. to say seeing that didnt piss me off would be a lie. oops i guess #i think its funny how the last thing you posted was stolen from me. #today it was one of those tag games we used to do together. your taglist was empty with some excuse of being absent on this app #i cant help but wonder if thats really all of it. if thats the whole story or not. i have a feeling the answer is no #i dont think youll ever understand the impact of what you did to me and the ways that you treated me. how that immensely fucked me up #or how youve basically thrown me to the wolves ever since you emotionally checked out. #you act like i never mattered to you and its been like that for forever. i made so many excuses on your behalf that i never should have. #these days the thought of you makes me go insane. the kind of insane that leaves me up all night and makes me wanna scream at the top #of my lungs. i have been consumed by anguish and hate. yes. im not afraid to say it anymore. i hate what happened and what you did to me #and sometimes i even hate you. and i dont even feel bad about it. im so over that because if theres anything i deserve after this hell then #its the capability to hate. for once in my life. #i saw your post and wondered if you thought of me. and i hope you did. i hope you thought of me and at the very least it stung. #because whether you want to admit it or not i was someone good. i bent over backwards for you every other day. try finding someone to do #everything that i did for you that you never appreciated. try finding someone who will care as much as i did about someone who couldnt be #bothered to tell me happy birthday. i dare you. because im tired of being sad that youre not here. im tired of being the one whos mourning #im so over it actually. because really i did so much for you. i gave up so much to be a good friend and it was never enough. i genuinely #cared about you. im not going to torture myself anymore by overanalyzing your posts or by thinking that i was nothing to you #because in one way or another youll miss me. and i hope the feeling is hell. #in the wise and paraphrased words of taylor swift. karma only comes back around to those who deserve it #in other words ill be fine #em speaks #tw vent ish #sorry to everyone else although i applaud you for being nosy lmao. gotta have my girlboss moment <3

[sanstropfremir]

Hi! As a fellow Humanities Person (sociologist) I've been really enjoying your critical (in an academic sense!) analysis of kpop & the Korean entertainment industry! I'm curious- how do you think social media has impacted kpop? I remember you said in an answer to a previous ask that aespa's choreo seems to have been created with TikTok in mind. And I feel like social media has made it even more difficult for idols to have a private life- like NCT is posting like behind the scenes videos OF behind the scenes videos and I can't help but to think that it seems like there's hardly a moment in their lives where they're NOT being filmed.

thank you! i'm not an authority by any measure but it is fun to speculate/extrapolate and talk about these things with people!

hmm. actually i don't think social media has made it that much more difficult for idols to have a private life, at least in the way that i think you're talking about. yes absolutely it has made idols need to be more careful, bc everyone has a phone now, but for things like behind the scenes content, that's just still just work. they would have been there even if there was no cameras, because things like recording or dance rehearsals or other content filmings are all work hours, not their private life. they know full well that their job is to be a public figure, so when they show up to do work, no matter what it is or if it's being filmed, that's work. has social media made it so that they have to do more things that they didn't have to before? yes absolutely, but i don't think it's that big of an issue for a lot of them. most idols really do care about the communication they have with their fans and showing them more the parts of the process is something that is actually interesting (in my opinion at least), much more so than just getting selfies. i think accounts like the shinee managers (shinee_atoz) are a great way to give a bit more personal context to the official content that comes out (which is what key said abt it when he pitched it) and it doesn't infringe on idols' (or the managers!!) private lives at all.

in terms of aespa's choreo being made for tiktok, that's just going back to the old methods from first and second gen to get a song to go viral because of the point choreo/dance moves. and it did work, next level was probably the most recognizable choreo last year (other than rollin, which was actually old school viral). in fact the whole doing choreo challenges on tiktok is just an evolution of the whole reason point choreo exists in the first place.

#there's a lot of ways social media has changed kpop. probably too many to list #but biggest are probably in marketing accessibility and fan communities #tbh social media has made it difficult for EVERYONE to have private lives. not just idols #like its definitely made people in the periphery of idols have more of a struggle bc fans will stalk their social medias #maybe a better line of inquiry is about how social media has made it so that there are much less clear consent boundaries #on when and where you can be filmed. but my point still stands in this case bc they're likely given warning #/already know when there's going to be bts filming happening #there's still so much that we dont see of idols' lives. like the stuff we do see is the stuff they choose to show us #this is a pretty broad question because it's so integrated into normal everyday life that when you try to dig into it in one aspect #like in kpop. you have to then interrogate how it affects EVERYTHING #kpop questions #text #answers #fundamentally it does come down to that everyone is just expected to show more. not idols i mean literally everybody #like my mom berated me on the phone last week for not posting on instagram saying 'people want to know youre alive' #no they dont mom. i dont need to post on instagram i'm perfectly fine not having ppl know what im doing #and thats not even getting into all the fucked up shit around tiktok & filming ppl in public. i dont even wanna touch that w a ten ft pole #yea. very entangled topic

[lemontoad-old]

.

#going to vent here bc too heavy stuff to directly relay on my friends but im in the uk so i cant just get a therapist #anyway #i have become. so insanely depressed recently. bc my physical health has been declining and thats also taking a mental toll on me #i dont use depressed lightly. ive been officially diagnosed with clinical depression before and then it was gone for about a year #but boy oh boy its Back #and all my mental problems came back bc my physical health decided to just peace out. and now my mental and physical health are making- #each other worse #physically i have become so tired 24/7 that i just cant do anything other than work (because i need that to live) #and i dont know why! my body just stopped having energy! for months and months now. ive just been working and being in pain and sleeping #<- but also having insomnia so more like laying in bed and watching something to not die of boredom #i dont even work that much anymore. just my contracted hours. and i can see my coworkers handle it fine. they have time and energy to do- #things they want to do and not just live to work. but thats all im doing bc the moment im off the clock im taking my cane out to limp home- #and collapse in bed #i have a doctors appointment on thursday and if they tell me that its just from stress or smth im going to flip #bc no it fucking isnt!! theres no stress in my life other than the fact that my health is giving up #sure yeah my mental health is crap BECAUSE of the fatigue and the pain. not the other way around. so order some tests or i will kill #im already getting myself worked up bc ive been waiting a month and half just for this gp appointment #and i know theres a good chance they are going to wave it off with some stupid excuse instead of actually trying to find out whats wrong #if i dont get medical attention to solve this i might legit just off myself. im barely living as is. work is not living. i want to cry 24/7 #everything hurts so much

[yelloworangesoda]

this got away from me

#i wish i was a rich pretty guy or something but instead im a regular looking regular guy with parents that earn regular money #i was born to be one of those annoying bratty rich kids who dont work ever. that should be me #or something. i complain about work constantly but guys i do not want to go to school. i dont. i dont. i dont i dont. i dont i dont and i #dont know what to do about it. its spring. ive got like a month to figure out how im getting out of this #im not doing this i cannot do this. i cant i cant i cant. im so stressed i can tell im so stressed bc im getting acne and my eczema is awfu #its only a matter of time before i break out in hives or some shit i cant do it i cant do it. i cant. i cant #god everything is really getting to me. i cant i dont have a place here i dont i have no purpose in life and everyone just wants me to act #like. thats not true bc um. well! haha what are you gonna do! haha its fine. keep moving forward. ignore your anxiety and the fact that #everything makes you miserable constantly. and even the things that make you happy make you miserable. ignore that #go to college. normal ppl go to college :) no you want to sleep all day because youre not doing anything. which is a personal failure. #you should instead do something that makes you miserable. thatll fix it. dont kill yourself thats stupid. you have so much to live for! lik #um. well youre supposed to live. so. ignore yknow everything in the world and push forward. bc it will get better! once um. #um. yknow. you graduate in 8 years? be a dentist…. um bc. you like teeth. and it makes money. and well you need the money! youre going to #college!!!! you need that money to pay for it after all. dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it #its okay we’ll do everything we can to make it cheaper. to do the thing you dont want to do at all even a little bit. no dont kill yourself #you have so much to live for! a career in something youve never been interested in! or yknow a different career youre not interested in #i dont want to kill myself!!! i dont want to kill myself i want something to fucking live for!!!!!! a want a life that doesnt make me feel #like i have to kill myself!!!!!!!!!! #simons spouting #vent :( #suicide //

[thatdemiboymess]

Turning up the music to max volume and laying facedown on the bed because the mental health has hit rock bottom like DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT--

Thoughts of self harm and maybe suicidal ideation in the vent in the tags. Sorry.

#irl #vent #self harm mention #self harm #i am not having a good time today at all chat #my brain is giving me the itchy little localized signals in my wrists that are connected to the Bad Thoughts and Horrible Coping Mechanisms #and like honestly i feel like i should be fine but im not #shit sucks #almost started crying because i realized i forgot to grab some new exfoliating gloves while i was at the store #gonna be eating nothing but ramen and potatoes this month #im lonely and life feels like a really shitty time loop and im probably never gonna be able to get my cats and bring them here #because i need to somehow manage to save up $500 just for oet deposit and pet rent #when everything is month to month to month #i dont have any friends and i dont talk to my family and i sincerely feel like i could die and the only person that would know would be #my partner and even then thats because we live together #and when i do finally die its not like anyone will have known me #people that i should or used to be close with will find out eventually and theyll all call me by a name that isnt mine #using pronouns and words and descriptors that misrepresent me as a person #ect ect ECT #whatever #like whats even the point honestly???? #i dont know what im doing here i just feel like a huge burden to everyone around me #dssi is barely enough for groceries but its not like i can get a job near me being legally blind #im just a big ol burdensome money sink lolol #just an overly needy little waste of space #i dunno #i dont know shit anymore #im so fucking tired all the time man #im just #so tired

[ravegore]

i do literally nothing but sit my ass on the computer for 10+ hours a day with the only break being to watch more electronic shit with my family but im not even really paying attention to it 90% of the time because im just looking at my phone. every. fucking. day. i dont drive i dont work i donr hang out with friends i literally don't do fucking anything and i havent done fucking anything for 4+ years.

#i hate my fucking life and i dont feel ready for anything #i feel so goddamn useless and childish #why am i like this. why did this happen. how did i get here #why am i 23 and further behind in life than everyone i know #the more traumatized people who hurt me both have jobs for fucks sake #and what am i doing. hands up my ass doing nothing but coping through nothing and taking up space and resources bc i dont contribute to #anything at all #why. why #why is it so hard to do anything. why is everything so scary and hard. why am i still a child #im not ready for a job i want to fucking kill myself #i dont have goals i dont have plans i just sit here surviving i dont know what i want i dont know what i should be doing or how to do it #i dont know what to do and yet it seems like it should be obvious because everyone else just does it #people younger than me with more severe mental conditions than me are doing fine #so why do i feel like this #is it the trauma.... but everyone i know is traumatized...so whats fucking wronf with me i just want to know.

[administer-distractions]

.

#so for the past several months i have occasionally tried to ask a specific friend to hang out #he would consistently say yes and tell me hed check his schedule #he either wouldnt get back to me at all #or he would cancel the day of #hes a very busy person so i dont mind being the one to reach out and ask but #at what point do i assume he just doesnt want to hang out?? #when do i stop bothering? #especially because he always seems excited to hang out when we do manage to set a date #this would be a solid like 6 months of this if he hadnt shown up to a Halloween thing i was hosting #but even thats like. that was a group setting. #i just dont know what to make of this #hes exceptionally aware that i have some recent trauma with people lying to me about how fine things are #one might even say he was right in the fucking middle of it #so one would hope that after seeing the shit i went through and hearing me cry and fall apart #because people spent months tellng me things were fine when they werent #youd think hed maybe get the idea. and so i contine to sit here and hope that its just one fucked up coincidence #i hate trying to read people's fucking minds all the time #i wish i could have like one person in my life that didnt make me engage in death note levels of overthinking #just to hang out with them #this is the shit that makes me want to drop everything and move to alaska