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bmwiid · 2 years

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Two, Twice A Day

It's raining outside,

and my ears are throbbing with the movement of my eyes.

I'm not moving,

But I feel the rock of the storm hammering on the windows

hammering in my mind.

It's strange and annoying

That two little pills, two times a day

stop the rain and the tears and the nothing around me

from dissolving into this chair.

I'm wet with sweat but moving is a physical crime

I will be instantly punished for,

with vomit and pain and cramps I cant escape.

I can't escape.

I used to wonder why on the back of pills like mine

a side effect was death.

I know now, sitting here, sweat under my thighs and breasts.

If I could move, If I could reach over the ocean of space

between here and there,

I'd use the razor I keep on hand,

in hand

and let the water run out till I am at last dry.

It taunts me with release.

And then, a day later, I stand, shaking, begging.

Two little pills, two times a day.

It takes an hour.

Only a single hour.

And my skin is dry. The rain is over.

A side effect of this euphoria is release,

I know why. For the first time in days

I can move without fear,

presure,

vast nothing,

pushing at me from all sides.

I've been here before.

I'll be here again, I know it.

But I keep my razor on my desk

To remind me.

There are tools in this world.

And if my options are you,

and them.

I will chose them.

Every time.

#tw depressing thoughts #tw s3lf harm #tw sucide #tw withdrawal #depression #my life this week #antidepressants #;#my poem #poem #poetry

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inkskinned · 7 months

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the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school.#like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it.#was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes.#but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create''#when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent.#speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice.#''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession.#''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt?#u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky''#we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

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13thpythagoras · 9 months

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youtube

#me irl #my life this week #lyrics #one headlight #dylan #Youtube #I even played this song for her after she said she had been listening to Dylan #then 3 months later it's about her

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nicktoonsunite · 3 months

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Animated and put this together like an edit within like a week (it was painful but i enjoyed the process)

#nicktoons unite #danny phantom #spongebob squarepants #jimmy neutron #the fairly oddparents #my life as a teenage robot #el tigre #dewdles #uhhh im not uploading this weeks later than i was supposed to nope #video

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1982brucespringsteen · 1 year

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some good news!! the spanish state's ministry of equality has finally passed one of the most progressive trans laws on the planet, shielded free and universal access to abortion and banned conversion therapy and genital surgery for intersex babies, among a lot of other feminist policies. the minister of equality irene montero gave a speech thanking spain's lgtb and trans associations for helping her draft these legislations. couldn't be more proud!!

#spain #trans #ill always prioritize queer&trans revolution over reformism but man. man these are good news #these are gonna make people's life so much more comfortable #i was lucky enough to live in andalucia where we have THEE most advanced regional legislation on trans rights #so i didnt have to fight too many people to access hrt and to change my name on legal docs #but other ppl on the spanish state have been suffering so fucking much #and yeah this law doesnt cover non binary people or migrants but the door is fucking open. its a step forward #and after this terrible terrible week #after the antitrans antisemite game & brianna's murder and so many rampant transphobia #it feels nice to get a win #to have someone in power be so unwaveringly supportive #the queer community in the spanish state is NEVER gonna forget this. never #anyways!!!#felicidades gente trans española!!!! nos vemos en el registro civil dkkskdkkdkxkdk #mine

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floweroflaurelin · 6 months

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BigB is making me lose my mind.

—

My buddy @salemoleander made a post going over all the weird stuff with BigB’s unusual Secret and it got my mind racing. The red icon... The isolating, grindy, antisocial task... The strange phrasing… Makes you think 👀

(Even if it turns out to be nothing I WILL be headcanoning lore about it hehehe)

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strelitzien-gewaechs · 4 months

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something about new-age poetry

based on this post by @vapemaster42069 because everytime ive tried to fall asleep my mind kept playing she etho on my slab on repeat <3

#etho #ethoslab #what to i tag this with #secret life spoilers #uhh #yeah. the og post has not left my mind since i read it over a week ago #strels art #2024 strel art #eye strain #anyway penis? i hardly know her

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vcrnons · 5 months

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S.COUPS Marie Claire Shoot Sketch

BONUS : a realtime transformation from cheollie<3 -> general leader s.coups

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ccorinthian · 2 years

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fuck you ageism fuck you life ending at 30 fuck you makeup industry forcing us to feel bad about a natural process fuck you hustle culture fuck you instagram fuck you youtube fuck you glorification and deification of youth fuck you who make people feel bad for not having "achieved anything" in their 20s fuck you people who peaked in high school and try to drag everybody down by insisting it's all downhill after 19

#im not dedicating hours and days and weeks of my 20s of hard work on my mental health to cope w shit i went through #for some bitches on websites to tell me ill shrivel up and die when i hit 30 unless my life is perfect by then #youre not dragging me down to that mindset and i wont let your doom and gloom about turning older make me feel like shit !!#some of us have to rebuild ourselves from ground up and that shit takes time and thats FINE and if you think otherwise fuck off honestly #ageism is such a disgustingly overlooked aspect thats so ingrained in our culture and you need to recognise it #or you'll just feel worse and worse about yourself with every passing day bc guess what baby you cant go back!!#SICK of the negativity surrounding age on this website get yourself the fuck together honestly

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lotus-pear · 1 month

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dazai breathlessly watching his partner in an inhuman, corrupted state and still finding him beautiful has to be another kind of love

#literally seven years later from that line in fifteen. it's the same fucking expression #“even dazai forgot how to breathe as he watched the storm that was chuuya decimate the battlefield”#look at the life in his eyes. the mesmerized expression. he has seen this hundreds of times and it is still beautiful to him every time #the awe. “that's my partner.”#ahem anyway. i reread this volume like once every week. it's my favorite one.#bsd #skk

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pokytoad · 29 days

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photo of a REAL BILLBOARD that my best friend sent me on their daily commute, in case anyone needs money-laundering advice you know who to call

#better call saul #but make it massachusetts #still beyond words bc they described it to me last week at the bar and I was like 🤨 mhmm #so today they sent me proof that its real #breaking bad #this is EXACTLY what saul did to HHM in BCS THO!! but its REAL LIFE!!!!!!!#WHAT!!!!!!!#the LORE my brothers #ok to rb

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isjasz · 5 months

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[Day 148 - Day 4: Poppies and Lilacs]

🪻🥀

@desert-duo-week

Timestamp for reference these flowers plague me till this day (I swear someday I gotta rewatch to follow the journey of these flowers in DL and figure out exactly what the fuck happened to them)