#my mom loves that old picture and I have this tradition of drawing dragons for her birthday

[tunaf1sk]

A dragon I drew for my mom’s birthday! I tried, at least

#my art #dragon #space #bioluminescence #I drew a similar thing to this one in 5th grade #but with a winged fish instead of this weird fish... dragon... thing #my mom loves that old picture and I have this tradition of drawing dragons for her birthday #and thus: this

[typical-simplelove]

Part Two: Dragon Boats (T. Jost)

Part Two to Red Envelopes, Dragon Boats, and Mooncakes; a Tyson Jost fic.

Series Masterlist (please read the small note at the beginning of the Masterlist if you haven’t already)

Pinterest Link

Summary: Tyson and Kayla spend the offseason in St. Albert when the Dragon Boat Festival occurs. The couple spend the day with Tyson’s family following Kayla’s family traditions. 

Author’s Note: Similar author’s note to the first part. You don’t have to read part one to understand part two, just an fyi! Again, I have linked pictures and websites about some of the things that are mentioned here. The Pinterest board linked above also has more photos about the holiday. Anyways, here’s part two! I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you thought!

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: Again, no climax, really. However, warnings are scissors, being Chinese, Chinese holidays, eating meat, mentions of death.

Before the Dragon Boat Festival

During the Dragon Boat Festival, Kayla and Tyson would be back in St. Albert for the offseason. Because of this, Kayla would not be able to spend the cultural holiday with her parents. Knowing that Kayla was a bit bummed about this, Tyson took it upon himself to try to make this holiday similar to ones in the past. 

Tyson began researching about the holiday. While researching, he learned that people watch or participate in Dragon Boat racing and eat something called Sticky Rice. The symbolism of this holiday is to ward off evil spirits, any lurking diseases, and release any negativity. Tyson had no idea how to celebrate this holiday with Kayla and had no idea how her family celebrated. He decided to just ask Kayla and help her plan. 

“Hey Kayla,” Tyson asks during breakfast a few days before the Dragon Boat Festival. “How do you celebrate the Dragon Boat Festival? I know that’s the next holiday that is coming up that your family celebrates.”

Kayla was shocked that Tyson knew about this. “My family doesn’t do much for this holiday. We don’t watch dragon boat racing but my sister and I always used to make our own mini dragon boats out of construction paper. My mom, sister, and I also used to make sticky rice with my grandfather before he died.”

“What if we did that? What if you, me, Kacey, my mom, and grandparents all made sticky rice? You can teach us! It may not be the holiday you’re used to because you aren’t in Denver with family but you can celebrate with us!”

“If you want, yeah sure! I’ll ask my mom for the recipe and we can make them.”

“Great, I’m excited, babe.”

Despite Tyson only telling Kayla about the sticky rice, he thought he would surprise her with the materials to make dragon boats. Tyson was bouncing in his seat, super excited that he got to spend another holiday with you.

龍舟節 (long zhou jie) - Dragon Boat Festival - June 14, 2021

“Kacey, my mom, and grandparents are set to come at three. Will that be good?” Tyson asks with an amount of energy that no one should have at eight in the morning. 

“Yes, Tyson, don't worry. Everything will be fine.” Kayla responds barely awake.

“Is there anything you need to do to prep before they come?”

“All I need to do is soak the rice. And I marinated the chicken last night so we’re good.”

“Do you need to watch the rice soak?”

Kayla laughs. “No, all I have to do is put the rice in a bowl and then leave it there. I’ll probably do that at 2:45, that way we can be ready to start right away when they arrive.”

“So, then, if I bought something, we can do it before they come?”

“Sure! What is it?”

“I bought materials to make Dragon Boats. I didn’t know what to buy so I went on pinterest and found a site. I asked your sister and she said that the materials they suggested were good. I had to buy green, at least, I thought it was green. I, you know colorblind, so not sure if --”

Tyson is cut off when Kayla kisses him firmly on the lips. “Thank you so much, Tys. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you!.”

“Anything for you Kayla. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Tys.”

. . .

After Kayla and Tyson were both mostly awake (more like Kayla because Tyson was bouncing off the walls at 8), they got started on the dragon boats. 

“So, teach me. What do I do?”

“First, you have to make the green construction paper into a box to make it look like a box.”

Tyson just stares at Kayla, wishing that he didn’t take the plastic covering off of the paper so he could read the labels and know which was green. However, Kayla, knowing Tyson, handed the green paper to him so that Tyson wasn’t completely lost. Tyson was about to start but unsure how to put the paper into a box format. So, he decided to watch Kayla construct hers first. Once Kayla finished, she held it up and said a soft ‘ta da!’

Tyson was still ever confused. When Kayla went to grab a second piece of green paper, Tyson decided he would mimic her actions in real time. However, instead of Tyson’s looking like Kayla’s once finished, Tyson’s was all jagged and didn’t look anything like a boat.

When Kayla was about to start a third boat, Tyson said, “Wait! Before you start, can you do it slowly and explain each step very carefully and clearly so I can make one that looks like yours?”

Kayla chuckles and says, “Of course. All you had to do was ask.”

“Ready, Tys?” Tyson nods in response.

“First, fold one of the short sides about two and half inches in. Try to fold it into a straight line. Yeah, like that. Now, do it to the opposite side.” Kayla pauses, waiting for Tyson to give her a nod that she can continue.

“Now, you take the long sides and fold it in about two and a half inches so it looks something like this. Next step is cut along these lines and fold them in. Nope, like this. Yeah that. Tape the sides so that it doesn’t fall apart. Yeah, good. You now take your scissors and kind of cut in a curved line, like a half circle but only the outer line, to make the curves of a boat. After, we take the long ends and fold them against each other so that they are pointy.”

Kayla pauses allowing Tyson to catch up. She smiles softly when Tyson has his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth in fierce concentration as he normally does. 

“Like this?” Tyson asks when finished.

“Yeah!” Kayla responds enthusiastically. “That’s it! And now, we use the gold sharpie and draw scales on the boat. It’s basically is just circles but not closing them. Stopping about seventy five percent of the way.”

Kayla and Tyson draw the scales in silence not wanting to distract the other. 

“What comes next?” Tyson asks, once he has finished his one and Kayla all three of hers.

“We add the dragon!”

“We have to make a dragon?” 

“No, normally my sister and I would print out pictures and we’d color them. In past years, Elizabeth would color in while Charlotte and I made the boats. I just printed out dragon heads that would match. Here they are. We can just glue them on.”

“Thank goodness. I don’t think that I would have been able to draw a dragon. Ever. At all. So, don’t ask me to.”

“Don’t worry, Tys. I know your artistic abilities. After we glue on the dragon head, we can make the oars with red construction paper and glue them one. Then, we’ll be done!”

Tyson finished putting his head and oars on the boat before Kayla because she made three and Tyson had one good functioning boat. 

“What do we do after we finish making the boats?”

“Normally, my sister and I would make a small pond or lake and tape the boats on there. I bought a blue poster board so we can use that.” 

Kayla and Tyson worked on their pond for the dragon boats and didn’t leave out a single detail. They made sure to add areas on the grass next to the pond for the spectators to watch the races. They used old wine corks and painted them red and orange to mimic the traditional drums.The couple worked long into the afternoon and only realized the time when Kayla’s alarm went off reminding her to soak the rice. 

Once Kayla returned to the table where the poster board sat, Tyson had added little goldfish into the pond.

“You know, Tys, I think that if there were goldfish in the pond, then they would be far away from the boats. Also, probably not visible to the human eye.”

“Whatever, Ms. Smarty-Pants Kayla. I like the goldfish. I vote to keep the goldfish in the pond.”

“Fine, but then, one of my boats gets to be in the lead when we glue them down.”

“You throw a hard bargain but fine, I agree.” Tyson says with a mischievous grin. Kayla knows that grin. She knows that Tyson is going to begin tickling her until she is begging for mercy. Tyson instantly gets up and begins tickling Kayla. This continues on and the only chance at a reprieve is when the doorbell rings signalling that Tyson’s family has arrived.

“I guess I have to stop tickling you, Kayla.”

“I guess so.” He doesn’t 

Tyson’s family decide to let themselves in and are shocked at what they see sitting on the kitchen counter. 

“What in the world is this?” Kacey asks.

“Kayla spends her Dragon Boat Festival holiday making sticky rice and dragon boats. So, that’s what we did.” Tyson responds.

“Let me guess, this subpar looking boat was Tyson’s?” Kacey asks. Tyson just sticks his tongue out at her and Tyson does the same. 

“Ok, you two, cut it out. We have some sticky rice to make, yeah?” Laura cuts in with a chuckle.

Kayla and Tyson move the pond onto the coffee table and clear all of the craft stuff away and put it into a closet to deal with later. 

“I already have the rice soaking so we can start with that. Before we mix everything, we have to cut the Chinese sausage, mushrooms, shallots, and garlic. We have to also saute the shallots, too. Let’s start with that and then we’ll go from there.” Kayla explains. 

Once the directions were clear, everyone was assigned with a task. Laura is going to cut the shallots and saute them. Kacey and Kayla are going to wash the mushrooms and cut the mushrooms and garlic. Tyson and his grandparents are going to cut the Chinese sausage. 

“So, Kayla, tell me. How long have you been making sticky rice?” Tyson’s grandmother asked.

“I grew up watching my mom, grandfather, and aunties make the rice. This holiday used to be my grandfather’s favorite. When I turned twelve, my mother finally allowed me and my sister, Charlotte, to help make it. We normally would be assigned with washing the mushrooms and cutting them. Sometimes we’d be allowed to help construct the rice into the lotus leaf. That only happened later into my teenage years.”

“Do you do this with your family often?” Laura asks.

“Yeah, we would do this every year. This holiday is the one where my grandfather would be in control of the kitchen. My grandmother, aunties, and parents would all be sitting working on wrapping these and my sister and I would huddle around my grandfather for just a peak. He would always tell us about the same stories each year from when he was a child. When I was in high school, my grandfather passed away and my grandmother became the head sticky rice maker in our family. When I was in college, my grandmother was diagnosed with Arthritis making it hard for her to do any of the cooking so my sister and I took on a bigger role of making the sticky rice with my mom and aunties while my grandmother watched.”

“Is this your first year not making this with them?” Kacey asks.

“It is, actually, yes.” Kayla responds glumly.

“Do you miss them?” Tyson asks, wishing he asked if you wanted to go home.

“I was at first but then you prompted me with the idea of making the sticky rice with all of you so I’m not anymore! My grandfather always used to tell me that sharing our traditions keeps them alive. So, I am doing what he always wanted me to do.” Kayla replies with a bit of pep in her voice.

“Care to share any of those stories, Kayla?” Laura asks. Kayla looks over at Tyson to get confirmation that she should share. Tyson nods prompting Kayla to continue.

“Sure! I can’t remember all of them but one of them that I remember him telling us was when my grandfather was five. This was the first year that he was allowed in the kitchen to observe the cooking with the elders. While he was watching, my grandfather watched one of his uncles put salt on the lotus leaves. Putting salt on the lotus leaves allows for a richer taste for the rice. I’ll get to why we don’t do that in a minute. My grandfather decided that the pinch of salt on the lotus leaves was not enough and he took it upon himself to add more salt. No one noticed. When the sticky rice was ready to eat, the rice was so salty that it was fed to the farm animals. My grandfather felt so bad that he confessed to putting more salt on the lotus leaves. His punishment was to have to clean the chicken pen. Every year after that, no one put salt on the lotus leaves and my grandfather never used salt for his sticky rice ever again. I actually don’t think he ever used salt again after that.” 

The story gains a laugh out of everyone. 

The rest of the prepping continues on with smaller conversations. Once finished and the rice is drained, everyone watches Kayla mix the rice and all the ingredients together.

“I am going to mix the shallots, mushrooms, sausage, and chicken with rice. I am also going to add oyster sauce, soy sauce, and sesame oil. Once I’ve done that, we can begin wrapping the rice in the lotus leaf.”

Once the rice is mixed, Kayla demonstrates to everyone how to wrap the lotus leaf around the rice.

“You put the leaf on the counter and take one cup of rice and put it in the middle. You just fold it so that the rice won’t come out and tie it with a piece of string. There isn’t any pattern to fold it. Once folded, it should look like this and then we’ll steam them and will have sticky rice!”  

“I remember when I was ten and my grandfather was teaching me how to do this.” Kayla begins. “He told me and my sister about the first time he wrapped rice in a lotus leaf. He always told the story and made sure to say that he watched this being made for almost eight years prior to being allowed to wrap them and doesn’t know why he did it. He would tell us that he took the kitchen scissors and began to cup up the leaf. He cut a circle so that the rice could sit on something. He then trimmed the lotus leaf into mini looking pieces of leaf and placed them on the pile of rice. He always compared it to someone making a scrapbook and gluing small pieces of ribbon onto the paper. Every year, he would make one of these. This was what the young cousins would do. They would place the cut up pieces on the lotus leaf. I probably have pictures somewhere of me and my sister making those when we were really young.”

“Did you want to make one?” Tyson asks.

“Yeah? Sure!” Kayla replies with enthusiasm. She goes into the drawer and pulls out a pair of kitchen scissors. Kayla and Tyson begin cutting up a piece of lotus leaf. Once the rice is placed on a circular piece of lotus paper, Tyson and Kayla begin adding the small miniature pieces. Their giggles and laughter can be heard throughout the kitchen, putting smiles on everyone’s face in the kitchen.

For the next hour, Tyson, Kayla, Kacey, Laura, and Tyson’s grandparents folded the sticky rice and lotus leaf to be ready to be steamed. Conversation flowed easily and Kayla couldn’t help but smile. She was able to share her culture and her upbringing with the man she loves and his family she absolutely adored. It couldn't be any better. 

After there was no more rice to be folded into the lotus leaf, Kayla put the rice wrapped in lotus leaf into the pot to steam for an hour and half. 

“What do you do while the sticky rice is steaming?” Tyson asks.

“Not much, normally my mom or grandmother would begin making the other parts for dinner but I just bought those frozen because I didn’t want to screw up making them for the first time. We can watch a movie or play a game, maybe?” Kayla responds. 

After a small debate, everyone decides to play a card game as Kayla will have to get up and check the water every twenty minutes to make sure that no lotus leaves came undone.

… 

After an hour and half and steaming the rest of dinner, everyone was able to sit down and eat. 

“This is the typical dim sum. Normally dim sum is eaten for lunch but on the Dragon Boat festival, my family eats dim sum at dinner. We have Ha Gow, Siu Mai, Cheong Fan, Lo Ba Go, Cha Siu Bao, and Chao Mian. Which are shrimp dumplings, open faced shrimp dumplings, beef wrapped in rice noodles, fried radish cake, steamed pork bun, and fried noodles, respectively. And, obviously the sticky rice we all labored to make!”

Kayla’s explanation was met with hungry looks and nods of approval of how tasty everything looked. 

“How did you eat the one with the cut up lotus leaf?” Tyson asks, confused.

“Normally, we would put that one aside and eat it the next day. When it’s cold, it is easier to pick the lotus leaf pieces off.” Kayla explains. 

When Kayla sat down, she was so happy that she was able to celebrate this holiday with loved ones, even if they were her boyfriend’s family. If things went according to plan, Kayla hoped that maybe they could make a tradition out of this.

Part Three will be posted on February 26, 2021

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[funtooza]

Distinctive tattoo lettering and various fonts! Any Part of Body. Either its Sleeves Tattoos 15 Tips You Need To Learn Now

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Read more latest posts about tattooing

Tattoo Lettering: The Most Unconventional Ways to Learn

Sleeves Tattoos 15 Tips You Need To Learn Now

Tattoo Design Ideas Understanding The Background

Tattoo Removal Important Facts what taught us

Heart Tattoos The Most Trending Thing Now?

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Mi Vida Loca

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Tips for Best Tattoo lettering with Videos and Pictures

This Video make sound like below comments

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LINE WORK is most important! “Design wiggly lines” make it O Man!

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #291

“clothes trailing from the backdoor, to the bedroom, and i don’t even know your name.”

What was the last health scare you had? So I got blood tests done recently to check multiple things, and I got pretty nervous when my doctor stood beside me going through the numbers and what they meant. I was afraid she was going to tell me I had diabetes (runs in the fam, and my diet hadn't been great) or something, but I was fine. What is your favorite food to cook? Something in the microwave lmao. Do you listen to bluegrass music? Ew. What was the last novel you read about? Well it' s part of a series so it'd be hard to explain briefly... but dragons. That'll do ig, lol. If there is a tree right outside your window, what kind is it? There's a small one. Idk what it is. What is your favorite filling for a piece of chocolate? Caramel. What is your favorite thing to draw? If you take a look at my work history... I apparently love drawing meerkats screaming for one reason or another lmao. Do you like abstract art? Not very much. There are of course exceptions to this, but it's definitely not my favorite and sometimes doesn't even feel like "art" to me. Would you ever want to be a painter? No. My Painting course in school taught me it's too damn stressful, the idea of messing up. Even though it's technically fixable. There's just a lot about painting I don't like. I'd much rather draw and color traditionally. What is your passion? Some of my biggest consists of gay rights (or really just equal rights as a whole), meerkats, pacifism, photography, just art in general, stuff like that. I feel things very deeply, so there's really a lot. What fascinates you? NATURE!!!!!!! SO MUCH ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Do you have art on your walls? In my room, I have three of my meerkat projects on the wall with my meerkat collection, and my Pyramid Head/Halo of the Sun overlap drawing is with my Silent Hill stuff. What kind of collection would you like to start? I have a decent amount of stuff, but I really would love to pump up my SH collection. It has SO much merch that I would die for, stuff is just mad expensive. If I was to start a new collection, bitch I need Markiplier stuff so bad, I'm too awkward to ask for that shit for holidays 'n stuff. ;;_;; Do you enjoy the sound of birds chirping? I sure do. If you had the money, would you travel the world? I feel like I'd go to less locations than most people you could ask this question, but I'd definitely go places, yeah. If you could travel the world, which country would you want to go to first? South Africa. Make my meerkat dreams come true. :') Do you get drunk? I haven't before, and I don't actually aim to when I drink (which is very rare) and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I doubt I ever will. Don't feel like I'm missing out, honestly. Do you get high? Nah. Have you ever used a prescription medication to get high? No. Does sunlight make you happier? Guys. This is science. I used to hate the sun so much, but it's good for you. Open your windows on a clear day; your body will thank you. It takes getting used to, but please, don't coop yourself up in the dark. Do you live a boring life? My life is excruciatingly boring. Like not to sound depressing, but half the time I wish I wasn't even alive because I'm so bored lmao. Have you ever gotten soap in your mouth for cursing? Do you think that’s right to do to kids who curse? No, but it's been threatened upon me. I don't support it, no, but then again I don't believe in traditional "profanity." My hypothetical four-year-old could say "that fucking hurt" in our own household, and just a simple word indicating (s)he was really in pain wouldn't faze me for a blink. I do believe out of respect though, that you should educate your children when "profanity" isn't allowed, like in school and such. You don't shove potentially toxic shit into your kid's mouth to teach them something. What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start watching horror movies with lots of gore? This definitely depends on the child. Are they spooked easily? How mature are they? Do they understand what's not to be replicated? It would vary with the film, too. Do you have any wind chimes outside your house? How many? No, but I'd love to. Wind chimes are great. Do you have a flat stomach? Would you ever wear a belly shirt to show it off? I hate my stomach more than I do any other part of my body, so guess. Would you ever get a sleeve or a half sleeve on your arm (we’re talking about tattoos)? omfg hell YES Do you think your biological parents love each other? They're long-divorced and Dad's been remarried for a long time while Mom only has negative shit to say about him, so like... What's one movie you’re dying to see but haven’t had the chance to see yet? *Dying* to, I don't know if one exists. Birds of Prey probably tops my want-to-see list, though. Harley moving past Joker? Girl you fuckin go ilu. What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? To never leave me because of my illnesses. Nope, he sure didn't. Does thunder & storms scare you? Nah, not usually. It's funny, I was TERRIFIED of them as a kid, especially if I wasn't with my mom, but now I find them beautiful and sometimes even relaxing. Now, wind, I fucking hate wind. I associate bad winds with tornadoes, so fuck outta here w/ that. Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google. Do you sing in front of people? NO. Who are you the most uncomfortable around? Groups of older men. Are your parents overprotective? No. A recent creation that you’re proud of? I took family pictures for a repeat client recently, and I'm really happy with how some came out. Who’s your favorite comedian? Living, I'm unsure. It was John Pinette. What makes you squeamish? Vomit and fecal matter top the list. Do you have any online friends that you wanna keep, but not meet? Maybe a couple that I don't know too well? Should cloning ever be allowed to happen? No. I see a lot of potential problems with that should it become a serious thing. Who would you live with if you got kicked out tomorrow? Probably my dad. What’s a pet your parents never let you have when you were a kid? A snake. I was eventually allowed though obviously, and now Mom loves Venus, though she won't hold her. Who do you wish you could change, if anyone? It's not my job to change anyone else. You have to want to change. Has your house ever been broken into? No, but my childhood home almost was by a gang. My older sister and her best friend were home alone at the time. Thank fuck they didn't get in, but they left a gang flag on our porch. Would you consider yourself a good flirt? I have no idea. What color do you wear most often? You mean to tell me black isn't the only primary color in people's wardrobes? Do you like your hair? Disregarding the fact it gets oily way too fast, yes. Have you ever driven while under the influence? No, I would absolutely never. Did you enjoy your last kiss? Yeah. Would you ever take boudoir photos for a significant other? (or have you?) Considering I literally love boudoir, I would if I didn't hate the fuck outta my body and would be too embarrassed to ever do it. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? Maybe makeup guru channels lmaooo. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but actually ending up enjoying? I'm unsure. I don't really go into watching a movie I think I'll hate, especially when I watch so few movies to begin with. Do you like where you live? I'm not a fan of the suburbs, but it's a better place than where we were. Are you a jealous person? I'm learning that apparently I might be, at least sometimes. Is there anyone you want to fix things with? There are a few. Last time you walked further than a block? I couldn't tell you. I walk a few feet (that's not an exaggeration) and am in pain because of the muscle atrophy in my legs. Is it easy for you to accept loss? NO. NUH-UH. NOPE. Do you get dessert normally while out to eat? No. Who was your first kiss? Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. Have you ever found a stray dog & found its owners? Not that I recall. Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? Not everything, no. When was the last time you told someone you love them? Last night. Who was the last person you talked to last night in person before bed? Ma. When was the last time that you were genuinely happy? Good damn question. Have you ever dyed your hair? Plenty of times. Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? Yeah. When was the last time you changed in front of someone? I don't know; when you hate your body enough, you'll do a lot to avoid that. Last person you kissed, have you cried in front of them? Yes. Ever dated someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited personality? No. A conceited asshole is the last kind of person I'm dating. Would you prefer a kiss on the cheek or neck? Well I mean what's the vibe lmao Do you like to cuddle? Yeah, if we're a close couple and it's not too hot. Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? Nah. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? I wish we could, but even if he was willing, I don't think "friendship" is possible between us. What is something “cheesy” that you own? Ha, I have this feminine-looking "she believed she could so she did" wall decor thing... I can't remember if I bought it or if it was gifted. What is something that gets your creative juices flowing? MUSIC!!! What drink are you most likely to order at a bar? Some kind of margarita. What is the most interesting class that you took in high school or college? Mythology, I guess? When was the last time that you’ve ever played Spin the Bottle? I never have to begin with. If you were an adult film star or a stripper, what would your stage name be? I can't even try to entertain this question. Even if I WANTED to be one, I would never be hired. I couldn't seriously think of a name. Have you ever wanted to be a cheerleader? No, not even when I was one as a kid lmao. Have you ever been dumped? What was the reason for it? Yeah. The first one, he couldn't handle my depression anymore. With my last partner, we kinda had a mutual agreement that to save us from potential later heartbreak, we needed to work more on ourselves right now. What was the last R-rated movie you watched? Hm. Idk. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. Have you ever had lice? No. What is the most childish thing that you still do? I mean, with RP, you could argue that I still "play pretend." Have you ever watched a movie you knew you shouldn’t? As a kid, I'm pretty sure I was not supposed to see whatever Scary Movie film it was when I did, aha. Have you ever wanted to try LARP (Live Action Role-Play)? Nah. I'm awkward enough explaining I just write it. If you could go back in time and erase one thing you said or did, what would it be? The "thanks for sending me to the hospital" message to Jason. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever embarrassed you? Jason did before, if we're counting past partners. Have you ever thought about cheating on your partner? I never thought of that in any relationship, no. Have you ever been caught checking someone out? Not to my recollection. Not that I even do that much. Have you ever cried because you missed your parents so much? Oh, absofuckinglutely as a little kid. I had BAD separation anxiety from my mom. Have you ever posted something on social media that you regret? OH BOY HAVE I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever ding dong ditched someone? No. Which is worst: Snakes, scorpions, or spiders? I adore snakes. Some spiders scare me, especially if they catch me by surprise. Scorpions aren't native here, so I've actually never come across one, so I'd probably be more curious than frightened. Is there an attic and/or a basement in your house? An attic, yeah. Have you ever been bitten by a tick? Has anyone not? Well, I suppose this depends on your environment. Playing outside in the country as a kid a lot, and especially walking through tall grass to reach fishing spots with Dad, I've had lots. I'm terrified of parasites so those were never fun times. What color is your mom’s car? White. Have you ever had a bird or a squirrel in your house? No. How high off the ground is your bed? The average, ig. What is the cutest breed of dog? That's such a hard question, but I think I tend to lean towards pugs, though I don't support breeding them or any other type that is a medical catastrophe. What is something other people say you’re good at but you think you’re not? Holding a conversation. I call BS. What does your bedside lamp look like? It's a creamy color with a floral design. It was already here at the house when we moved in. Do you like your neighbors? I don't know them. Does your room need to be cleaned? I need to finish decorating it... and dust the dresser. What was the last bug you saw? Ugh, a fucking ant. This house has had an ant problem before, and now they're showing up in my room here and there. Do you place any value in gender roles? Literally zero. Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? Well, I suppose it would depend on the person. How strong is that platonic relationship? Are you in love? Do you want to be? I don't think *in* love anymore, no; I reasoned myself out of that. I think most people WANT to be in the name of companionship, and being a pretty hopeless romantic, your wild guess would probably be right. Would you be happy with a life without romance? I'd live. Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? No. If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? Nope. Religion only ever brought me confusion, pain, and frustration. Are your choices fated or of your own free will? I am very much a believer in free will and that you sculpt your own fate. Was your childhood happy? For the most part. What are you missing from your life? Excitement. Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? No. And if my country did something fucked up, I wouldn't stand with the masses just because I live here. What’s the latest YouTube channel you’ve discovered and binge-watched? Snake Discovery, like, hardcore. Does it snow where you live? Every now and then, but it's super rare for the snow to stick, and it's maybe even rarer that we get a good or fun amount. Do you think your hair looks better long or short? UGGGGHHHHHH I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER W/ SHORT HAIR. Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? Not really on my phone, no. I don't have good image quality on my phone, so editing tends to make it worse. What’s your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon GO if I'm actually in a place with spawns. Which season do you wish would last longer? Sigh, autumn. At least here, the colorful phase is pretty short. It's like... green leaves one day, a beautiful display for a week, then the trees are bare. It's still my favorite season, though. Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah. Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid? Nah. Do you get on Facebook every day? Pretty much. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Spice Girls, duh. Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member? No. I've got nothing against people who do, but I've just never seen the appeal of it at all. I would want my hypothetical child to have their completely own identity.

#survey #surveys #questions #questionnaire #lyrics: ''not the american average'' by asking alexandria

[qm-vox]

Let The World Never Falter - Playing Paladins in D&D

(Pictured: Anastasia Luxan, Knight of the Tainted Cup, one of only two people in her friend group that are not evil-aligned. Her wife Aisling is not the other good-aligned person. Characters are from my novel Mourners: Scum of Shatterdown; art credit goes to J.D)

Paladins are one of Dungeons and Dragons’ most striking, and most controversial, character classes. Few character classes and character concepts capture the imagination as quickly or start arguments of such ferocity. I’ve been in this game awhile - I remember when D&D 3e was released - and paladins have been one of my most loved and most hated parts of D&D and its legacy systems that entire time. So here I am again, about to write a long-ass article offerin’ my perspective on paladins through the ages (hopefully highlighting the strongest parts of each vision of them), talk about their pitfalls and problematic elements, and offer some advice on bringing your own paladin to life.

While this article draws on my long experience with D&D and will be citing specific sources, it would not be possible without the help of some other people in my life. I mention Afroakuma a lot in the context of D&D, and our friendship has once again been invaluable here. @a-world-unmasked , also one of my oldest friends, has long been a source of ethical discussion and debate, especially about thorny questions of justice & mercy, amends, redemption, and punishment, and provided information on D&D 4e’s paladins and paladin-like classes. SSG Jacob Karpel, United States Army, brought a Jewish perspective on paladins and their themes into my life and has borne questions of faith, dogma, and tradition with remarkable enthusiasm and patience. @swiftactionrecovery provided further perspective on D&D 4e, and her current paladin (”paladin”; it’s complicated), Aurora, is a great example of a non-traditional take that is at the same time very on-brand. Emerald has long provided the service of beating my ass when I start getting stupid about my own values and beliefs, and @ahr42p‘s fascination with fantasy ethics has informed a lot of my own thoughts on the same. None of this would be possible without you folks.

This article’s title is drawn from Maverick Hunter Quest, written by Cain Labs & Hunter Command. It appears as the motto of the 10th Urban Unit; dedicated soldiers whose specialty was preserving lives, preventing collateral damage, and steering disasters away from the innocent.

None of my articles are quite complete without Content Warnings; the following will contain mentions and descriptions of violence (including state-sanctioned violence such as executions), mentions of high crimes such as slavery and forced conversion, discussion of religion in both fictional and non-fictional contexts, and discussion of fascism and fascist ideology. It is also the end result of more than 20 years of both passionate love for paladins and equally passionate hatred of the same. If you’re wondering what some of that has to do with paladins...well, you’re in for a ride.

So, without further ado, let’s get into...

The Order Of The Kitchen Table - Paladins Through D&D’s History

I hope you like walls of text because I am about to fuck you up with some.

D&D and Pathfinder have a long history with paladins, and they’ve changed a lot through the ages. The following is an overview of the different editions of paladins, what each introduced, and their strengths & weaknesses as a vision of paladinhood. Though the advice in this article is weighted towards 3.PF and 5e, it should in theory be applicable to any of these editions; I should also note that while Pathfinder 2e has its own version of paladins, I am not familiar enough with its vision of paladins to be able to speak on it in good faith. Let’s start with the oldest first, shall we?

AD&D 1e & 2e: Rise A Knight - 1e and 2e were fucking wild. The original incarnation of the paladin showed up as a sub-class of the cavalier, a warrior-group class which had an aura of courage, rode a horse, and had other ‘knightly’ abilities. Paladins had to be a cut above and beyond cavaliers, but unless they also violated the code of the cavaliers in addition to the paladin code, they would become cavaliers when they Fell rather than fighters, which was a bit of a better spot to be in. These paladins were very specifically part of the military arm of a feudal state, with all that entails, and had restrictions on what they could wear and what weapons they could use that were rooted in their social status. In point of fact, in 1e? Paladins couldn’t use missile weapons at all; bows, crossbows, and their kin were for “peasants”. These paladins had to tithe 10% of all income to a ‘worthy’ institution (usually a Lawful Good church of some kind, but other examples include hospitals, charitable initiatives, orphanages, and monasteries), had sharp limits on how many magical items they could own & of what kind, and were beholden to a strict code of conduct rooted in medieval feudalism & romantic ideals of chivalry. While the very original paladin had many of the iconic powers associated with them today (laying on hands, curing disease, an affinity for holy swords), it was not until AD&D 1e proper that paladins developed the ability to cast spells for themselves.

AD&D 2e’s vision of paladins was similar in many ways; they had the same powers, similar ability score requirements, and were similarly rare and elite. They had wealth limits, had to tithe from their income, could only own certain numbers and kinds of magical items, and had to be of Lawful Good alignment. Where things get interestingly different here is who becomes a paladin, and why. In both editions, only humans could be paladins, but where 1e required paladins to be drawn from or else become nobility (because they were derived from cavalier, which was all about status), 2e opened up many origins for paladins. The majority of these can be found in The Complete Paladin’s Handbook, just under 130 pages of nothing but paladins. Reading that book is a fucking trip; it was published in 1994, and while I am not gonna pretend that it’s woke or unproblematic, it has some stunningly modern takes. Do you expect to open up an old D&D supplement about paladins and find it defending poly relationships as valid? NEITHER DID I.

It’s important to note that in both of these editions, paladins lacked magical avenues of attack entirely; Smite Evil was a later invention, and paladin spells, in addition to coming online late in their career (9th level), were sharply restricted to a specific list that included no offensive magic whatsoever. Therefore, any paladin origin had to explain from whence one’s martial skills came, since you are in many ways a warrior more than anything else. There’s some expected ones; religious patronage, which ignores social status but requires an organized church that’s permitted to raise men under arms. Government sponsorship, generally conducted in urban areas where you can actually retain recruiters. Inherited title, if you wanna run a paladin that really hates Mom for forcing them into this. Mentors, for running paladins that are just straight-up shonen protagonists, and my personal favorite, DIVINE INTERVENTION, where one day your god starts talking to you but instead of filling your soul with martial skill she makes you sew training weights into your clothes and miraculously makes a bear live in your house so you can learn courage. It’s fucking amazing.

From those origins, anyone who manages to swear their oath and become invested with the power is essentially part of the nobility from then on; paladinhood marks them as an exemplar of noble ideals, which even in a non-romanticized culture sorta grabs the bluebloods by the short hairs. It’s a bit hard to argue divine right if you try to throw the embodiment of your supposed ideals out of your house. Since these paladins were often, though not necessarily, members of militant organizations they were generally expected to have superiors to whom they answer, a chain of command of which they are part, and to eventually construct a stronghold of some kind and put its services at the disposal of that organization in addition to utilizing it to serve the needy and defend the weak. 2e was a lawless and strange time in D&D, in which building such a stronghold and hiring followers was a class feature of warrior-group classes, and one of the paladin’s key benefits was the opportunity, but not the promise, to acquire some manner of holy sword, which which she gained powerful protections against evil that let her stand toe-to-toe with powerful spellcasters.

Tying all of this together was an in-depth exploration of the most complex and probably the most nuanced code published for paladins in any edition. Though the default was a rigid and inflexible code which defined acceptable behavior, associations, and even employees for the paladin, The Complete Paladin’s Handbook introduced an alternate method of handling code violations that ranked infractions by their severity & intent, and assigned penalties accordingly. Was it perfect? No. Not even a little. The Code was, is, and probably forever will be the most trash part of paladin. But it was a damn sight better than basically any incarnation before it, and most of them after. This code was broken down into (in order of importance), Strictures, Edicts, and Virtues. Strictures are the things a paladin must do and have simply to be a paladin; they must be Lawful Good, they must tithe to a worthy institution, they must abide by their wealth limits, and they must not associate (here meaning ‘serve, be friends with, or knowingly hire’) with evil people. Edicts are the commands of those to whom the paladin is sworn to obey; often this will be a church, a government, or both, but a paladin might instead or also swear to obey edicts given by their family, their mentor, their secular philosophy, or even their wider culture. Military commands and orders are edicts, but so are daily practices such as keeping a kosher diet, maintaining a family burial ground, or obeying a system of formal etiquette. A paladin freely chooses the source of her edicts, but once she’s sworn to obey she cannot selectively turn down a given edict unless it would conflict with one of her Strictures (for instance, if her king orders her to beat a helpless prisoner) or with a ‘higher’ source of Edicts (in general, a paladins religion or philosophy takes precedence over her liege or mentor, who in turn takes precedence over family or culture).

Virtues are where we get real interesting. Lemme quote The Complete Paladin’s Handbook, page 32:

Virtues are traits exemplifying the highest standards of morality, decency, and duty. They comprise the paladin’s personal code. Although not specifically detailed in the PH definition of a paladin, a paladin’s virtues are implied by his strictures as well as his outlook, role, and personality. Just as a paladin must obey his strictures, he must also remain true to his virtues.

Though most paladins adhere to all of the virtues described below, exceptions are possible. For instance, a paladin from a primitive society may be so unfamiliar with civilized etiquette that including courtesy as part of his ethos would be unreasonable. All adjustments must be cleared by the DM at the outset of a paladin’s career.

No system was attached to virtue ‘violations’, because they weren’t oaths to keep as such. Rather, virtues represented commitments to a paladin’s ideals and worldviews; they were the behaviors and values which someone serious about being a paladin would live by because that’s the kind of person they are. They were very Christian and very European in nature, tied up in Catholic ideas of knighthood from which paladins as a class were originally drawn, but there’s definitely a point to be made here. If you don’t walk your talk, can you call yourself a paragon? We’re gonna get into this specific topic more later in the article, when I start discussing other the virtues extolled by other kinds of warriors, but the ones listed and expanded on in this book are as follows:

Fealty - A paladin swears loyalty and service to, at minimum, a faith or philosophy that is lawful good in nature. This forms the foundation of her convictions and informs the kind of good she tries to do in the world. A paladin remains conscious of the fact that she is seen as an embodiment of those ideals, takes joy in her service, and pays respect to those to whom she has sworn her troth. Notably, this is not classic feudal fealty; a paladin swears service to institutions, not people, with some exceptions (generally in the form of paladins who swear fealty to their mentors).

Courtesy - Paladins strive to show respect by following social customs, being polite and well-mannered, and treating even enemies with dignity. A paladin responds to insults with grace, considers the feelings of others, and does not stoop to insults or slander. Remember the Kingsmen gentleman rules? That. This is just that.

Honesty - A paladin speaks the truth as she knows it. She is free to withhold information (especially from enemies), and may state that she would prefer not to answer when asked questions - or that she is ordered, enjoined, or otherwise required not to answer, if that is the truth - but does not intentionally mislead or deceive others. If you ask your paladin friend a question and they say they would rather not answer, think real hard about how bad you want their opinion.

Valor - Paladins display courage in battle. Given a choice between many enemies, a paladin chooses the most dangerous. If someone has to take a risk to defend the innocent, cover a retreat, or ensure the success of the mission, the paladin volunteers for that risk. A paladin only retreats from battle to fulfill a higher part of her ethos.

Honor - A paladin conducts herself with integrity even when no one is watching or when it is of no benefit to herself. She shows mercy, refuses to inflict undue suffering even on such wretched beings as demons, does not cheat or cut corners, and does not compromise her principles. The description of the virtue of honor contains the rawest line in the entire book: “It is an admirable act to comfort a dying friend, but an act of honor to comfort a dying enemy.”

The above are the ‘universal’ virtues a paladin is meant to embody. The book briefly touches on the idea that a paladin might also choose to uphold other virtues and work them into her Code of Ennoblement, the ceremony by which she is invested with the power of a paladin...or isn’t. The sample ‘bonus’ virtues provided are humility, chastity, celibacy, and my absolute favorite, industry, in which you swear to have no chill at all, ever, until the day you finally die, and instead spend all of your waking moments in some effort of self-improvement or work such as reading, building houses for the needy, repairing tools & equipment, and otherwise being completely incompetent in the art of self-care. It’s great, I absolutely love it.

Together, this code and the paladin’s abilities present a vision of classical knighthood, something like, oh...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35GUTY_Gr14

That. A defender and paragon of medieval virtues, who lives to help others.

“Alright Vox, surely you’re reaching the end of AD&D 2e now?” you ask. “We’ve been through the mechanics, we’ve been through the vision of paladins as members of feudal states who are figuratively and legally ennobled by righteousness, we’ve even gone into more detail about the code than was strictly necessary. 3e time right?” AFRAID NOT, MY WILD RIDE DOES NOT END. AD&D 2e didn’t have feats, didn’t really have spell selection in this context, and while it had a sort of skill system (the Proficiency system, greatly utilized and suggested by The Complete Paladin’s Handbook) that was hardly a way to make one paladin feel mechanically distinct from others. So how did players do that? Ability score rolls and loot drops?

Nope! We had Kits.

Kits modify a class or multiclass combo (not relevant to this article, but as a f’rinstance, the original Bladesinger was an elf-only Fighter/Mage kit found in The Complete Book of Elves); they give it additional features and additional restrictions. They could, but did not always, have ability score requirements above and beyond the typical ones for their class, and they might also have backstory or roleplaying requirements. A kit might who your character is in the society of the game world, the abilities they brought to the adventuring party, or both. Like Pathfinder’s Archetypes, some kits would strip abilities from the standard class, but not all of them did so.

So what did paladin kits do? In short, they changed the kind of knight you were. An Errant, for instance, is kept on a long leash by their liege and does not often have to fulfill edicts - but in exchange, she’s on her own and cannot expect funding from the state. Ghosthunters, who specialize in the destruction of the undead, gain the power to dispel evil, immunity to paralysis, turn undead just as well as a cleric does, and get access to a holy sword a minimum of 2 levels earlier - but they can’t lay hands, cure disease, cast priest spells, or enjoy immunity to disease. Inquisitors (I know) are paladins who see magic as a good and benevolent force, which is corrupted - profaned, even - by the practice of evil magic; they’re similar to ghosthunters in a lot of ways, but also represent an organized philosophy. The Complete Paladin’s Handbook has 22 pages of kits for standard paladin alone, which you can mix and match to create your own unique take on the concept, plus information on “demi-paladins” - non-human fighter/clerics who slowly gain paladin powers in addition to their own. This was back in the day when certain races just could not be good at certain classes due to level restrictions or being unable to take those classes in the first place, but here was the first glimmer of D&D confronting some of its own bullshit; before this book, the implication was that no non-human race was moral enough to be a paladin.

There’s so much more in this book but I’m not gonna get into all of it or this article’s just gonna be a review of one supplement; if you can get your hands on a PDF or even a hard copy, I highly suggest it as a read. It’s not that I endorse its vision for paladins as being the best or as being objectively correct, because I don’t; the potential of paladins is much broader than this narrow vision of Christian feudalism. It’s that no other book, before or after, has paid such loving attention to who paladins are in the game world, including thought given to details like their mortality rate (paladins that manage to survive to 40 are forcibly retired in the hopes that they can teach the youngbloods to do the same), the economics of knighthood, meta-commentary about how the class’s aesthetic and presentation is built to enhance themes about the game and the setting, and even a chapter on weaving faith into your game world and thinking about your paladin’s relationship to her own. The great strength of AD&D 2e’s paladins is that they, more than any others, have this loving care devoted to them that makes them feel like a real part of the worlds in which they live, and their great weakness is a vision that is more narrow than it wanted to be. You can see the author grasping for something broader, something more inclusive, only for it to slip between his fingers.

D&D 3.5: Up From The Gutter - Ah, D&D 3.5, the demon that will not die. This game spawned a million spin-offs and heartbreakers, love for it contributed to the rise of Pathfinder, and it remains incredibly popular and played. It’s also garbage, but c’est la vie, c’est la morte. Its vision of paladin is not as detailed as AD&D 2e’s was, and its main innovations were mechanical in nature. However, 3.5 did offer some in-depth explorations on what it means to be Good-aligned that previous editions did not, and given the context that’s about to be important to talk about.

3.5′s vision of paladin mechanics was remarkably similar to 2e’s, with the most notable change being race selection (anyone can now be a paladin as long as they’re Lawful Good) and the addition of Smite Evil, which can be used a certain number of times per day to gain more accuracy and damage when attacking evil-aligned creatures. Paladins are still warriors, they still cure disease, lay on hands, detect evil, and own a horse; in other words, they barely changed. Unfortunately, the game changed, and this left paladins high and dry. I’m not gonna mince words: for most of 3.5′s run, paladins lagged so far behind in terms of combat prowess, skill selection, and general utility that they were essentially unplayable, including and in some ways especially against classic foes such as demons and dragons.

I’m not gonna get into why, because that is a separate and much angrier article that will spark a lot of controversy due to people who run their ignorant mouths like they know what the fuck they’re talking about, not that I’m bitter. The relevant part of this is that over 3.5′s run, paladin did in fact slowly improve. The Serenity feat, published in Dragon 306, (and much more easily available to you in Dragon Compendium) helped clean up the dizzying amount of attributes upon which they were dependent. Battle Blessing (Champions of Valor) made it easier to incorporate their native spellcasting into their play (though nothing ever quite solved their sharply limited spell slots), and Sword of the Arcane Order (Champions of Valor again) both opened up an alternate vision of paladins as a different kind of magical knight & offered broader utility in paladin’s spell list. The Prestige Paladin in Unearthed Arcana converted paladin from a base class to a prestige class, which let you build it off of more mechanically viable classes - further enhancing your ability to customize your paladin, especially since as a PrC you could stop taking Prestige Paladin at any time you felt you were sufficiently knightly. Access to these and other options eventually made paladin, if not good, at least viable, able to be played in most campaigns and pre-made adventures without undue worry or getting chumped out of basic encounters.

In all of their forms, these paladins still had a code. Observe:

Code of Conduct

A paladin must be of lawful good alignment and loses all class abilities if she ever willingly commits an evil act.

Additionally, a paladin’s code requires that she respect legitimate authority, act with honor (not lying, not cheating, not using poison, and so forth), help those in need (provided they do not use the help for evil or chaotic ends), and punish those who harm or threaten innocents.

Associates

While she may adventure with characters of any good or neutral alignment, a paladin will never knowingly associate with evil characters, nor will she continue an association with someone who consistently offends her moral code. A paladin may accept only henchmen, followers, or cohorts who are lawful good.

Ex-Paladins

A paladin who ceases to be lawful good, who willfully commits an evil act, or who grossly violates the code of conduct loses all paladin spells and abilities (including the service of the paladin’s mount, but not weapon, armor, and shield proficiencies). She may not progress any farther in levels as a paladin. She regains her abilities and advancement potential if she atones for her violations (see the atonement spell description), as appropriate.

Like a member of any other class, a paladin may be a multiclass character, but multiclass paladins face a special restriction. A paladin who gains a level in any class other than paladin may never again raise her paladin level, though she retains all her paladin abilities.

You know all the horror stories you’ve read of DMs maliciously making paladins Fall, or miscommunications in groups leading to alignment arguments? The ones about youth-pastor paladin characters sucking all the fun out of a party? Meet the culprit. 3.5 did not have The Complete Paladin’s Handbook’s discussion on same-paging with your group to prevent these problems, and this vague code wording paired with immediate and extreme consequences didn’t do it any favors. That’s not to say that this code is unworkable, exactly, but trying to sit down and agree with 4-6 other adults on what ‘gross violations’ actually means is essentially the world’s shittiest round of Apples to Apples and your reward for it is resenting the character you just built.

And that’s the paladin part, which means we have to get into the “being good-aligned” part. Lemme tell you about Book of Exalted Deeds, a historically significant garbage fire of a book that is somehow both the best supplement released about Good and the worst supplement released about Good at the same time.

For those of you with the fortune to have never played 3.5, its books are like that a lot.

So, bad parts first: all the mechanics. Just all of them. The prestige classes? Bad. The feats? Generally bad. The redemption rules revolving around Diplomacy? Sloppy. Magic items? Bad. Spells? Look up an online discussion about sanctify the wicked and then get back to me on that one; they’re bad too. Ravages and afflictions (good-aligned poisons and diseases) were a bad idea that were also a case of stunning hypocrisy from a book whose stance was that dealing ability score damage is ‘needless cruelty’. Even the write-ups for the planar NPCs kinda make them into these basic bitch pushovers, which, you guessed it, is bad. There’s a lot to say against this book and you can find someone saying it in most open web forums if you want to take a journey into the godawful design of the liminal space between 3.0 and 3.5.

But the good stuff was real good. D&D had/has long been stalked by ‘ethical dilemmas’ such as the so-called Goblin Baby Problem, where players would ask if it’s good to let goblin children live since they would only grow up to become goblin adults. Book of Exalted Deeds was the first D&D publication to make a hard stance against racial genocide (hell of a sentence, I know), and it doubled down on The Complete Paladin Handbook’s implied stance that all forms of romance and sexuality are valid as long as they’re between consenting adults that respect one another. BoED strove to define Good not just as the avoidance of evil (”The utter avoidance of evil is, at best, neutral.”) but as actively striving to respect life, practice altruism, and make the world a better and more just place. While its take on ideas like forgiveness, redemption, and justice were not necessarily perfect, it went out of its way to try to offer nuanced takes on those ideas and to note emphatically that practices such as slavery and racism do not become good just because certain historical cultures thought they were at the time.

The other notable thing that Book of Exalted Deeds did for the idea of a Good alignment was firmly state on the record that NG and CG are just as valid and Good as LG is. The existence of paladins and their alignment-locked nature had long implied that Lawful Good was the “best” Good, or the “most” Good, but Book of Exalted Deeds didn’t just introduce material for characters that were paragons of other Good alignments, it provided examples of such characters in action. D&D is still somewhat stalked by that “Law is Good and Good is Lawful” problem, but BoED and other books in its niche (notably including Heroes of Horror - I know, it doesn’t sound like it but trust me - and Champions of Valor) helped push back against that problem and open the floor to other heroes.

I wouldn’t be wholly done talking about 3.5 paladins without mentioning Unearthed Arcana, which introduced the paladin of freedom (CG), paladin of tyranny (LE), and paladin of slaughter (CE). Their hearts were in the right place here, but all three of them were...better ideas than executions, as it were, without much to talk about for them. Still, they make good examples of 3.5′s great strength in paladins: breadth of concept. Ideas that were previously impossible as paladins became commonplace, including paladin-like characters who were not members of the class and which I would absolutely consider paladins myself. It didn’t stick the landing on the mechanics, but that’s just 3.5 for you; if you weren’t a dedicated spellcaster, chances are you were gonna have some manner of bad time. This idea of paladins from all walks of life, from all levels of society and all peoples, has become a cherished part of the popular conception of paladins and it absolutely should be brought forward to other editions.

Which, honestly? It was.

Pathfinder 1e: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back - Pathfinder 1e’s baseline paladin release was essentially 3.5′s in many ways. The key mechanical differences were a revamped Smite Evil (which finally made it effective against its intended targets), the aura line of abilities that begin adding additional effects beyond Aura of Courage at 8th level and up, and Mercies - riders for the paladin’s Lay on Hands ability that cause it to also cure status effects, which in turn greatly enhances the paladin’s utility as a support class. Pathfinder also cleaned up some of 3.5′s attribute problems by orienting all of paladin’s magical abilities to Charisma instead of splitting between Wisdom and Charisma. Another small but significant note is the alteration from ‘gross’ violations of the code to any violation of the code. “Gee Vox, that doesn’t sound like it would really help code problems,” you say, to which I reply: it absolutely fucking did not.

Once we leave core, we get quite a few quality-of-life improvements. Though Pathfinder 1e lacks Battle Blessing, it replicates some of its effects by having many swift-action spells in-house for paladin, notably including the Litany line. Pathfinder’s archetype system for class customization offers options for the paladin that further customize its concept, though on the balance it’s harder to mix and match archs than it was to do so with kits. Archetypes always trade something, so in taking an arch you will lose some part of the base paladin kit and gain something which replaces it.

Narratively, things get more specific outside of core as well. Paizo’s one-and-only setting, Golarion, is one in which paladins must swear fealty to a specific god they serve above all others, and their power is derived directly from that god, who can grant or withhold it as they see fit. These gods (generally LN, LG, or NG in alignment, though certain specific CG deities sponsor paladins who must still be LG themselves) offer their own codes of conduct, which their paladins must follow. A paladin may be obligated to oppose ‘heresy’ as vigorously as chaos or evil, which is an awkward fucking feel, and paladins in Golarion’s setting can be found working for organizations such as the Hellknights, or in the armed forces of nations that practice slavery and forced conversion. That’s not to imply that they’re not also depicted in unambiguously good contexts, but when it comes to establishing paladins (or, well...anyone...) as good-aligned people Paizo has a bad habit of dropping the ball.

Like 3.5, the great strength of the Pathfinder 1e paladin is customization, and in this case a more solid mechanical base in comparison to the rest of the game. Pathfinder similarly flounders in that its vision of paladins is narrow and not fully realized in the game world.

Discussion of Pathfinder 1e’s paladin wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the Anti-Paladin, the only “alternate class” to see mechanical support beyond its initial publication. Baseline anti-paladins must be chaotic evil and have abilities that are the inverse of the baseline paladin; similarly, anti-paladin has archetypes available that change it to different kinds and methods of evil. It has its fans, and in terms of playability it’s as good, if not a little better, than paladin, but on the whole I tend to break on the side of thinking that Good and Evil are not mirror images of one another, and thus an anti-paladin is inappropriate as an idea. At least, one done in this way, as an explicit reaction to a supposed paragon of virtue, as things are about to get real interesting in...

D&D 4e: The Knight Unshackled - D&D 4e built off of the foundations laid down by the Book of Exalted Deeds and Unearthed Arcana by completely removing all alignment restrictions from both paladin and its counterpart class, blackguard. This section will also need to talk about cousin classes to paladin; specifically, the Avenger and the Invoker. Let’s start from the top, shall we?

Paladins in 4e are predicament dommes defenders; they use their abilities to place Marks on enemies, who then suffer damage if they choose to engage someone other than the paladin (all defenders in 4e force choices of a similar nature, though the penalty for failing to make the ‘right’ choice is not necessarily damage). In 4e, paladins are not granted their power by gods, nor are they empowered by their faith in righteousness alone; in point of fact, 4e paladins have no restrictions on their alignment whatsoever and are the first paladins to be open in this way. Instead, a paladin in D&D 4e is invested with power in rites kept secret by individual churches. Once invested, that’s it, no take-backs; the paladin remains a paladin even if they forsake that church entirely. The other classes I’m gonna talk about - avenger, blackguard, and invoker - are similarly invested, with invoker being the exception in how they get invested, but not in their no-takebacks status.

So, what powers a paladin after that investiture? Virtue; specifically, caring about others in some way. An LG paladin empowered by their belief in justice might be a classic knight in shining armor, defending her allies in righteousness’s name, but an LE paladin empowered by the same virtue might easily turn totalitarian, determined to establish justice no matter who has to suffer and die. In this model, evil-aligned paladins are those who care too much about something, to the point where they trample and harm others to see it fulfilled.

Paladin’s inverse, blackguard, is a striker class focused on direct damage. They gain their power through vice, inward-facing desires such as greed, selfishness, lust, or five pounds of nachos in one meal (don’t @ me). Blackguards are also not restricted by alignment. A classically selfish blackguard, out for their own power and safety, might be an amoral mercenary who kills because they can’t be bothered not to, but a good-aligned blackguard who’s selfish is, well, Tiffany Aching: protecting the world because it’s her world and how dare you fucking touch it.

Avengers have more in common with barbarians than paladins, but are notable here for their commonalities with paladin as a divine warrior concept, and also for having bones in with the later Oath of Vengeance concept in D&D 5e. Avengers are invested to smite the enemies of their church; they tap into their power by swearing an oath against specific enemies, and then dissociate until those enemies in particular are dead at their feet. Are you really into Alexander Anderson from Hellsing? Do you want to explore the terrible consequences of power, consequences that might not have been clear when you signed up to become an avenger? This could be for you.

Lastly we have invokers, the odd duck out. They are ranged controllers who fight with pure divine power. Invokers are created directly by gods, but unlike the previous three have no associations with churches; instead, their job is to look out for threats to all of existence and make sure that they don’t happen. Even evil-aligned gods create and tend to respect invokers, because you can’t conquer the world and rule it as its Dread Master if there’s no world left to rule. Because invokers are invested by gods directly, they tend to have a lot in common with the divine intervention paladin origin mentioned waaaaay up there in the 2e section; you’re minding your own business when one day God goes “TIME TO LEARN HOW TO SAVE THE WORLD” and that’s just your life now.

D&D 4e’s paladins and paladin-like classes fully realize the breadth of concepts and characters that paladins could fulfill; they offer intriguing possibilities for roleplaying, engaging character and plot hooks, and mechanically distinct interpretations of divine power. In unshackling paladins from alignment, 4e opens them up to questions of heroism, conviction, and belief that were in many ways previously closed, especially because paladins in other editions were often made to Fall for asking those questions. Their big weakness is, well, being in 4e. It’s not that D&D 4e is a bad game - in many ways it’s the most honest edition of D&D, and certainly the most tightly-designed - but rather that 4e’s context is highly specific. It can be hard to find players or DMs familiar with it, might be frustrating to gain access to its books, and once you do adapting its material requires significant narrative changes if you remove it from the context of the Points of Light setting.

D&D 5e: This I Vow - D&D 5e’s paladin is, in many ways, a combination of and refinement upon previous elements. Like 4e’s, it is not restricted by alignment (though the three Oaths in core do suggest particular alignments). Like 3.5′s paladin, it combines magical power with martial skill, though 5e’s paladin is both more overtly magical and gains access to better spells, faster, than its predecessor. Though the paladin gains some warrior-type abilities (notably including their choice of Fighting Style and the Extra Attack feature), the majority of their abilities are supernatural in nature, including Lay On Hands (in the form of a pool of hit points that can also be expended to remove poisons and diseases), immunity to disease, an array of defensive and utility spells (as well as the Smite line for bursts of damage), a Divine Smite that trades spells for damage directly, and native auras that protect the paladin’s allies as well as herself. Their defining feature, however, is the Oath they select at third level, which defines what sort of paladin they are.

Your selection of Sacred Oath nets your paladin 2 utility abilities at 3rd level, an additional aura at 7th, a strong upgrade of some kind at 15th, and a capstone at 20th that neither you nor any other living being will ever see because 5e campaigns barely get to 14th, God forbid 20th. Each Oath also provides a set of tenets that you are meant to live up to, but unlike previous incarnations of a Code of Conduct 5e’s relationship to these tenets is more...human. The following passage is from the Player’s Handbook, page 83 (”Creating A Paladin”):

As guardians against the forces of wickedness, paladins are rarely of any evil alignment. Most of them walk the paths of charity and justice. Consider how your alignment colors the way you pursue your holy quest and the manner in which you conduct yourself before gods and mortals. Your oath and alignment might be in harmony, or your oath might represent standards of behavior you have not yet attained.

Emphasis mine.

The baseline assumption for 5e’s paladins are believers in righteousness, whose faith in virtue empowers them to protect the weak, but more than any other edition, 5e recognizes that paladins are still people, who have flaws, strengths, and ambitions. Its Background system helps flesh out your character both mechanically and narratively, and material presented both in the Player’s Handbook and Xanathar’s Guide to Everything encourage you to think about the things that drive and oppose your paladin. Importantly, though the books say that evil paladins are rare, no actual alignment restriction on paladins exist, which opens up some interesting possibilities in terms of character creation. We’ll get more into that down the article a bit, when I talk about same-paging and refluffing.

Because Oaths come with both mechanics and an ethos, there is a strong incentive to create new Oaths for 5e if you want to embody a new ethos, but this may not always be strictly necessary. Additionally, the Player’s Handbook implies that paladins who flagrantly fail or abandon their oaths might become Oathbreakers (Dungeon Master’s Guide, page 97, under “Villain Options”), but this too may not be the correct move, especially in cases where a paladin abandons one set of high ideals for a different, but no lower, form of belief. We’ll get into that later too.

5e’s paladins are in the best mechanical position they’ve ever been in; they’re one of the strongest classes in the game line, easy to build and play, and difficult to fuck up. They have strong thematics with their abilities and especially their Oaths, and the way 5e encourages you to make your characters helps you realize them as people in the game world. The great weakness of this vision of paladins is customization; 5e lacks player options in many senses, and quite a few of those options are gated behind rules that may not be in use (such as Feats). It can be difficult, in many cases, to make two paladins of the same Oath feel different when the dice hit the table.

And at long last, we have finished the establishing-context section of this article, and can move on to the actual fucking article. I did warn you, way up top, that you were in for a ride.

Raise Thy Sword - Paladins At Your Table

The following section is meant to help you in making and fleshing out a paladin concept to play or even to use as an NPC. Most of the advice will be edition-agnostic; advice that isn’t will be marked as such. Also covered herein will be the related topics of same-paging, refluffing, and the common pitfalls that paladins have fallen into over the years (and how to avoid them).

Same-Paging - In Which We Communicate Like Adults

Same-paging is the practice of talking to your group in a way that helps set mutual expectations, and it’s something every RPG group should strive to do regardless of the system they’re playing in. You’ve probably done this to an extent before, as part of being pitched a game (”We’re going to do a dungeon crawl through the deadly halls of Undermountain”), during character creation, and the like. In the specific case of paladins, you want to talk to your group and DM about topics like alignment & alignment restrictions, your code of conduct or oath, and whether or not the group wants to handle things like ethical dilemmas and moral quandaries. Though paladins are famous for those last two, they’re certainly not a requirement; you can just as easily play a paladin in a campaign like Expedition to Undermountain or Princes of the Apocalypse where there is a very clear bad guy who needs to be stopped with enormous applications of violence and guile. However your group wants to play it is fine, but you want to be sure everyone’s on board for it and that you’re ready to rock. If your group signs on for a kick-in-the-door dungeon crawl and then the DM decides to make you pass a series of ethics tests, that DM is an asshole; likewise, if you agree that you want to explore the morals at the heart of your paladin’s ethos and then you just don’t do that, you’re causing the problem.

Who Is Your Deity, And What Does She Do? - Making Your Paladin

Once you and your group have communicated your expectations to each other (and, again, same-paging is something all groups should be doing regularly, not just ones in which you want to play a paladin), it’s finally time to start sketching out your concept! There’s many ways to start this, and while I personally tend to start at the roleplaying end (with ideas about who they are as a person and the themes I want to explore with them), starting with mechanical ideas, with questions, or even with specific dramatic scenes in mind, are also viable. That is to say, “I’m interested in how Aura of the Guardian (Xanathar’s Guide to Everything, page 39) can help me play a damage mitigation tank,” is just as valid as, “Kass, my character, was lifted from a life of crime by a paladin who reformed her neighborhood and campaigned against a corrupt system, and she’s striving to become a paladin in his image.” That said, if there’s one thing D&D and its related communities are good at it’s mechanical guides, so I’m not gonna try and write one here. We’d be here all day; instead, the following questions are things to consider for fleshing out your paladin’s backstory, personality, and goals.

Why did you become a paladin? The origins of your paladin will probably color how they think of their virtues, as well as how they think of evil. A beaten-down girl from the slums understands that kicking the shit out of muggers doesn’t give the downtrodden food, medicine, or roofs that don’t leak, while the third son of a noble family is in a position to understand the damage done by corrupt leaders and faithless lords. In addition to your background and home life, think about what motivated your character to become a paladin specifically. Were they mentored by an older paladin who saw potential in them? Recruited by the militant arm of a church? Did they grow up with stories of paladins and yearn to become the sort of person those stories were written about, or were they, perhaps, seemingly called to paladinhood without much conscious understanding of what it was?

Where did you learn to fight? Paladins are warriors, and even a paladin that Falls (for those campaigns that use Falling as a concept) remains a warrior. 5e paladins, the most overtly magical of all the available options, still spend a lot of time randomizing the atoms of evil with sharpened metal, and that’s a skill you only get through training and dedication. Who taught your paladin to fight? What’s their relationship with that teacher or organization, and how did it shape their ideas about violence? We all catch things off of our teachers, and your paladin’s instructor in combat will, for better or worse, be as big an influence on their life and ideals as their faith and family are. Don’t be afraid to get wild here; AD&D 2e had full-blown godly training montages where the voice of a god ran you through drills, and paladins join warlocks and sorcerers for being fertile ground for some of the weirdest shit. Did you fight daily duels against a stained glass knight only you could see? Did you find a scimitar in the gutter and pick it up to defend your friends from gangs? Were you bankrolled by an old man who later turned out to be a lich, whose motives you still don’t understand? Live your best Big Ham life if that’s the life you wanna live, this is the class for it.

How do you imagine good and evil? What does your paladin’s vision of a Good world look like? What is the face of wickedness that comes to mind when they’re asked to think of Evil? A knight from a kingdom plagued by portals to the Abyss is going to think of both of these things very differently from a gutter rat whose ascension came with a prosthetic hand to replace the one she lost to gangrene, to say nothing of differences in ideals when one factors in Law and Chaos. Your paladin doesn’t have to be perfect, or even, honestly, correct. Your classic ‘noble, but kind of a dick’ paladin (such as Corran d’Arcy in the novelization of Pool of Radiance: Ruins of Myth Drannor, who we’re gonna talk about more later because he’s a weirdly great example of an adventuring paladin) thinks of evil as evildoers, who must be Brought To Justice, which while not entirely wrong is lacking in important nuance. He may conflate manners with virtue, or allow his prejudices to color who he does and doesn’t think of as ‘good’, but that doesn’t change his fundamental desire to Do Good - a desire that could be the catalyst for personal growth. A flawed understanding of virtue and wickedness could be a great character arc for your paladin, especially if it dovetails with the themes of the campaign.

What do you enjoy? Paladins are still people (shocking, I know) and people tend to have hobbies, preferences, and goals. Xanathar’s Guide to Everything has some nice material to quickly flesh out some of those aspects of your paladin (a personal goal, a vice that tempts them, a nemesis that dogs their footsteps), and I highly encourage you to think about such things as well. Does your paladin crave glory, wealth, or revenge? What sort of things do they turn to when they want comfort, or to have a good time? Do they still practice a trade from their youth, such as painting or blacksmithing? The archetype of a knight looking for their true love (or at least a series of whirlwind romances that always seem to end in someone’s bedroom) is a staple, of course. These things don’t necessarily need to be sinister temptations that lead you away from justice; they can just be nice things you like, or comforts that sustain you in your long fight against evil.

How do you relate to your faith? Many settings (notably including Forgotten Realms & Points of Light in D&D, and Golarion in Pathfinder) explicitly link paladins to churches and patron deities, and even in ones where this explicit link does not exist you see paladins who fight in the name of their faiths, serve in the militant arm of their churches, and otherwise seek to live their lives in accordance with their religion. D&D’s history is also full of paladins whose relationship to their faith is more distant, more questioning, or even outright rebellious. In Eberron, for instance, a paladin might dedicate herself to the Kraken - an evil god embodying sea monsters and catastrophes - with her understanding of that faith being preventing monster attacks and protecting the innocent from hurricanes and tidal waves. A paladin might be retained by the Church of St. Cuthbert as a barometer for their own morality, trusted to leash his peers when their retribution grows out of hand & play the devil’s advocate against them, or a knight might simply try to live their lives in accordance with the ideals of beauty, joy, and wonder espoused by Sune Firehair, without being for or against the actual church. What or whom does your paladin believe in, and why? Remember as well that not all, or even most, faiths are particularly similar to Christianity, and as a result your paladin’s relationship to that faith might just be business as usual. A Jewish paladin arguing with God is Judaism working as intended; similarly, a paladin dedicated to the Aesir doesn’t get to act surprised when they come home one day and Freya is chilling in their bathtub with a glass of wine and a ‘small request’.

You Wouldn’t Download A Class Feature - Refluffing & You(r Paladin)

So: you’ve come up with your concept, you’ve asked yourself all the relevant questions, but damn, some things just seem to not be fitting. What do you do? It may be the case that refluffing - changing the flavor of a mechanical option to better fit your campaign or setting - may be the right move for you. Refluffing gets a lot of pushback from a certain school of tabletop gaming that believes the flavor of an option is part of its mechanical balance. These people are wrong and I encourage you not to associate with them, in particular because the first party publishers often refluff material for similar reasons. For instance, the setting of Eberron has ‘anything published in D&D has a home here’ as one of its meta-tenets, and in the process of giving many of those things a home it changed their identity. Those hordes of angry ancestor-worshiping elves? That’s refluffing elves. In 3.5 you can see explicit discussion of refluffing in Oriental Adventures, which...well...it’s a book that exists, let’s leave it at that. Oerth having an entire alternate Material Plane where all the mirror of opposition copies come from? Refluffing.

So, when do you refluff? An obvious example is when your group is comfortable with an option being on the table, but is not playing in the setting that option comes from (for instance, the Sword of the Arcane Order feat from Champions of Valor when you are not playing in the Forgotten Realms). Refluffing is also great for when the narrative you’re building for a character implies or requires certain mechanics, but the flavor of those mechanics does not fit that narrative. In the ancient past I briefly GMed a game where one of the PCs was a ‘barbarian’ - a mean-streets kid looking to make a better life for himself, whose Rage was just the fight-or-flight kicking in from living in the garbage parts of Waterdeep. The important things to keep in mind when you choose to refluff an option is to stay on the same page as the rest of your group, and also to not replace the original fluff with nothing; mechanics do help define flavor (they’re the tools with which you interact with the game world), but you still need some reason that your paladin casts wizard spells, or has the abilities of the Oath of Vengeance when the original version of that Oath doesn’t exist in this setting. A very common school of refluffing is changing the origins of one’s power; rather than pure faith, for instance, a paladin’s powers might come from her innate spiritual energy, or from the favor of kami rather than gods.

Refluffing is also great for playing paladins that don’t have levels in the class named paladin. This option is especially relevant in the context of 3.5 and Pathfinder, when it may be more suitable to the needs of the campaign for you to be playing a more powerful or versatile class. In this context, clerics especially make very competent ‘paladins’, as do wizards (you wouldn’t think so, but I’ve seen that campaign played), inquisitors, crusaders, and even druids depending on how your concept is. You don’t need Fall mechanics to follow a code, after all.

For What The World Could Be - Defining Your Paladin’s Ethos

More than almost any other aspect of the class, possessing and following an ethos has defined paladins through the ages. For many years, this was a very specific ethos based on European ideas of chivalry and Christian virtue, and there’s something to be said for it when done well (certainly the Arab warriors from whom Europeans acquired the code of chivalry were lauded for their honor and virtuous conduct, so at a bare minimum one set of folks following these ideals in the real world absolutely nailed it). This is not, however, the only set of high ideals to which a paladin might cleave or aspire, and many fine homebrewers, players, and dungeon masters out there have chosen to craft their own, or to represent their own beliefs in the game world. Many cultures throughout history and all over the world have retained elite warriors held to high standards of conduct, and those traditions are rife for representation as paladins.

I fully intend to provide some specific examples of ethea (evidently this is the plural of ‘ethos’, no I didn’t know that before I started writing this, yes it looks wrong to me too) beyond the ongoing D&D default, but before I do you may want to consider how your paladin relates to those high ideals. After all, these are virtues that your character holds dear, but not everyone does so in the same way. Does she believe that everyone would be better off if they tried to live up to her standards, or does she believe that only certain people should (or must) do so? Does she consider her virtues an impossible ideal, something to strive for rather than fulfill, or does she not harbor such doubts? Is your paladin an idealist, who believes in the power of Good in itself, or is she more cynical?

The answers to these questions don’t necessarily make your paladin less Good as a person. A warrior who believes that there’s always a selfish bastard reason to do the right thing, who sees Evil as suboptimal, could still be a paladin if they work to bring Good into the world. An idealist who still needs to learn about the real consequences of barging into complex problems in a morally complicated world is equally valid, to say nothing of just...playing a genuine in-the-bones Hero, here to Do The Right Thing. Each speaks to a different kind of virtue, and a different life that has led them to these choices, and each deserves their day in the sun. You might have a lot of fun playing someone whose view of what Good is, and why, is different from yours!

Some specific examples of ethea (god that looks so wrong) follow. For the sake of convenience I’m gonna skip anything that’s actually showed up in a paladin entry before, or I’m gonna be here until I die. I am also very much not a member of just about any of the cultures and/or religions I’m about to talk about, and while I have sought the advice and review of those who are, I’m not about to claim that I’m an expert. Any errors in what’s presented are mine, and not those of my friends & readers; I welcome correction and discussion.

Irish Celtic: Blood & Troth  - The ancient Celts were not a people shy about death, and excellence - skill, improvement, and genuine growth - in all of your crafts was one of their high virtues. In addition to excellence, a Celtic warrior was expected to be honest (to never tell a direct lie, and to keep all promises given), hospitable (to be a gracious host & and honorable guests, and defend the sanctity of the home), to be charitable with their skills and their worldly possessions (to give to the needy, defend the weak, and fight for the helpless), to display loyalty to their family, clan, and gods, and to be courageous. That last virtue is an interesting one, because it dovetails with excellence; it’s less about acting in spite of fear, and more about enjoying fearful situations and the call of battle. A paragon of Celtic warfare should love her job, perhaps even revel in it; she relishes combat and the mayhem of the killing fields. Paladins following these virtues are likely to be Chaotic in nature, skewing towards Chaotic Neutral as D&D thinks of these things, and prone to contemplation on concepts of obligation, truth, and the nature of political violence. The crows know that there is always a final answer to injustice.

Irish Celtic paladins are likely to look towards Fionn Mac Cumhaill as a role model; as warriors with magical powers of protection, defense, and healing, they would be valued as keepers of lore, wisdom, and art, more warrior-poet than berserker. If your paladin is part of a wider culture from which she derived this ethos, she was probably expected to both learn knowledge and pass it on to others, and to restrain more eager warriors in favor of cunning plans and clever tactics. Imagine the look on your party members’ faces when they meet your family and realize you’re the sane one; that’s the exact emotion you wanna look to create if you really want to bring this out in the classic vein.

Jewish: We Shall Serve The Lord  - Judaism places a lot of emphasis on the sanctity of life, restorative justice, and doing the good you can do here, and now, with what’s in front of you. Though there is no tradition of elite Jewish warriors in the vein of knights or samurai, Jewish citizens tend to serve under arms slightly more often (about 5% more often) than their countrymen, and defending the innocent & helpless is certainly one way to do good now. A Jewish paladin would be expected to uphold the sanctity of life (preservation of life is the highest calling; a Jew may do anything except deny God in order to preserve life), to practice the principle of Tikkun Olam (’repairing the world’, working actively to make the world around them a more just, peaceful, and pleasant one), to show compassion and generosity to others, to uphold and defend hospitality, to know the Torah and the Law, and, where necessary, to practice intelligent and purposed dissent and skepticism. In the context of D&D, such a character is not likely to be particularly scholarly (paladins haven’t needed a decent Intelligence score at any point in the class’s evolution), but they’re probably conversant in the techniques of reading and research, critical thinking, argument, and debate, if only through exposure. Jewish paladins are most likely to be Good, leaning Lawful, as D&D thinks of these things.

The Jewish ethos describes a set of minimum standards for a righteous person, the Noahide Laws, and greatly encourages you not to associate with any person or culture that can’t meet that standard. They’re honestly not hard to meet either; you basically have to not be a dick about God (don’t try to stop folks from worshiping, don’t spend your time mocking and blaspheming their faith), know that lying and murdering are wrong, don’t be a sexual predator, don’t eat animals that are still alive, and bother to establish a system of laws for self-rule. Though Judaism lacks an elite warrior tradition, you might look to people like Joshua, Judah Maccabee, or Solomon as inspirations for a Jewish paladin character; warriors known for their wisdom, determination, and and in many cases, self-sacrifice. Solomon is also notable as an example of someone who swore the Nazarite Oath, a promise to God to fulfill a mission or task, and to not rest until one has done so. Nazarites are held to higher standards than their peers, notably including the expectation that the object of their oath becomes their only goal until they get it done or die.

As stated before, I am not Jewish and while this information was provided to me by Jewish friends, it is far from complete. @oath-of-lovingkindness might be by to expand on it, if they’re comfortable doing so.

Kemetic Pagan: The Power Of Truth - It’s difficult to talk about how the ancient Kemetic faiths were practiced; there was a lot of strife between the various cults of the gods, sometimes backed by pharaohs who were willing to revise history to get their way about thing, and then the English got a hold of the records. The English getting a hold of your culture’s history rarely ends well for just about anyone. The modern practice of Kemetic worship places great emphasis on service and identity as a member of the community, the promotion and preservation of knowledge, learning, and education, opposing is/fet (’chaos’, here also very much including the breakdown of social bonds and the systems which sustain life), and truth. A Kemetic paladin would be expected to oppose chaos by sustaining or creating such systems (funding schools, founding a neighborhood watch, finding or creating jobs for the poor), defend the defenseless, further her own education and knowledge & teach the ignorant, to be honest and forthright in word and deed, and value strength and justice. They are likely to be Lawful, skewing towards Good, as D&D thinks of these things. For a society to be just, it must first be a society; preservation of the order (both natural and artificial) which sustains human lives comes first.

Kemetic paladins are unlikely to be priests or even to be formally part of a religious heirarchy, again because they have traditionally had issues being scholarly people; instead, they uphold ma’at (what is true, what is just, what is necessary; ma’at is the principle that establishes a community, that relates one person to all other people and defines obligations between them, and opposes chaos) by fulfilling roles that assist their community. Such a paladin might look to one of their patron gods as an example of both the behavior they wish to emulate and their role in the community. A defender and guardian who supports the rural folk might look to Sobek, whose great strength guards the Nile; a would-be hero who craves power and the glory that power might buy her could instead look to Set, who guards the sun-barge and tests the established order so that it can grow strong. This is an ancient faith with quite a few gods, and I haven’t even gone deep enough to say I’ve scratched the surface; if they’re comfortable doing so, @merytu-mrytw may be by to expand on this topic for those interested in learning more.

Samurai: Reaching For Heaven  - You knew we were gonna go here eventually. As famous as knights, and perhaps even more known for their strict code of honor, the samurai were the elite warriors of feudal Japan and members of its ruling class. A samurai was expected to be a warrior, to cultivate an appreciation for high arts such as calligraphy, poetry, and sculpture, to be a scholar or patron of scholars, and to otherwise serve their lord and establish justice in that lord’s name. Today the samurai ethos is often called Bushido (”the way of the warrior”), but that name and conception of their code of conduct is actually a relatively recent invention, dating back only as far as the 20th century. It has its bones in with a 12th century dramatization of a war between two proud clans, and the ideals embodied by the warriors of those clans. Notably, these ideals were considered unattainable; something to strive for, and in striving grow as a person, but not a realistic expectation for a living human in a physical body. I’m gonna go ahead and quote the breakdown of this code that was given to me, because I feel the long form is going to be helpful here. These were the things to strive for, if one wished to call oneself a samurai:

Your duty calls on you to die if necessary. Your honor is more than your life; to live in shame is worse than death. You are expected to be righteous - to have integrity, sincerity, and honesty. To display heroic courage - to be intelligently aware of risks, but to face them boldly, not rashly or foolishly. To be benevolent and compassionate - for you have strength of arms that others cannot fathom. To show respect, even to your enemy. Cruelty, mockery, showboating, boasting, these are against the samurai code. Your strength and stature come through how you stand in adversity, unyielding. To understand that there is no such thing as a promise, or "giving your word" - you do not speak unless you mean what you say. Meaningless words are for shameful people. To safeguard your own honor, for you are its judge - and you will know what will cause you to live in shame, which as noted above, is worse than death. To show loyalty and be dutiful - if you give your service to another, it is theirs to command, and if you set someone's life above yours, you cannot keep honor if you live and they die. To demonstrate self-control - excesses and wants are openings to great shame. Moral character lies in the desire being sublimated toward the better self and higher standing among men.

As the politics and culture of Japan evolved through the years, so too did attitudes towards, and understanding of, this code of conduct, but most dramatic and romantic depictions of the samurai ethos root back to something a lot like this. A paladin dedicated to this ethos is likely to be Lawful Neutral, bending towards Good, as D&D thinks of these things; it emphasizes the virtues of loyalty, duty, and the obligations of both lord and vassal to one another. It is particularly appropriate for characters who see high ideals of virtue as being an unattainable goal to strive for anyway, or for character-driven campaigns looking for high drama that comes from tensions between personal desires and societal expectations (you can see it used for this to wonderful effect in the Legend of Five Rings RPG, most recently published by Fantasy Flight Games).

There are of course many other potential sources for a paladin’s ethos; check out D&D 5e’s homebrew materials and the DM’s guild for just a few. If I didn’t include something here, I promise you that it’s because I’m either ignorant or not confident of my ability to speak on it even in this limited context, not because I was trying to deliberately leave anything out. As I said above, any errors here are mine, and I welcome corrections. I’m also eager to hear about other ethea and how they might be adapted for paladins, so if you’ve got some thoughts there, please, slap ‘em on! I’m quite literally begging to read your paladin takes!

That said, remember that these are real beliefs, that real people follow. If you’re looking to explore an ethos from a culture that is not your own, you should do so with respect and especially with consideration for others that might be affected. It’s one thing to realize 12 sessions into a campaign at your own house that you’ve been accidentally blaspheming someone’s religion; it’s quite another thing to realize that if you’ve been playing in a public place such as a library or a gaming store. Ask folks from the culture or faith in question about it if you can at all do so, and just...if you wouldn’t want someone to be depicting you in a particular way? Don’t depict them that way.

The Trolley Problem And Other Forms Of Psychological Torture - Paladins, Falling, & Alignment

All editions of paladins except 4e have some kind of rule for Falling; losing one’s paladin status and powers, generally because of violations of your code of conduct or a failure to maintain your alignment. 5e sorta-kinda has those rules in a “well if the DM says so” way, which is, in some ways, a worse situation to be in since it leaves the matter unclear. In particular, many editions of paladins require that you have and maintain a Lawful Good alignment, and completely strip you of all powers if you ever change alignment for any reason. If the above sections of this article didn’t make it clear already, I tend to break towards 4e’s school of thought and support unshackling paladins from both alignment and Falling mechanics for general play; they certainly haven’t been powerful enough in the meta to mechanically justify additional restrictions.

This isn’t to say that you can’t use Falling or the threat of Falling for interesting stories and excellent character moments, just that I personally feel that it’s not as necessary as some schools of thought seem to think it is. If you want to incorporate this idea into your campaign, make sure you bring that up when you’re same-paging with your group; it’s definitely one of those topics everyone wants to have a clear understanding about. From there, it’s on the DM to not be a dick about things. Using paladins to explore ethical dilemmas can be very rewarding, but putting one in an ‘impossible’ scenario is rarely any fun. For some great examples of using ethical dilemmas as a form of character growth and to explore the concept of morality, check out The Good Place if you haven’t already. Remember: it’s a game. The goal is to have fun, yeah?

Genocide Is Not An Ethical Dilemma - Common Paladin Pitfalls

This is the part of the article where I get very angry about things.

As I alluded to before, there have been some common pitfalls when it comes to paladins both in the history of their formal writing and in the way the fanbase has chosen to play and relate to them. This section is going to discuss those and what you can do about them, so without further ado:

Fascism  - Paladins have some unfortunate bones in with fascist ideology, particularly the Third Reich’s obsession with ‘will’, as well as the fascist preoccupation with the Crusades, the Crusades themselves, and with being members of social classes which are often oppressive in nature. You really do not have to go far to find some jackoff posting DEUS VULT memes about their paladin, and that’s a problem, first because fascists are bad, and second because that definitely misses the fucking point by a country mile. All editions of D&D and its legacy systems have struggled with this, but a shout-out goes to D&D 5e for publishing the Oath of Conquest, because we definitely needed to respond to this problem by creating an option that gives you heavier, more ornate jackboots to put on people’s necks.

So, what do you do about this? Well, for one thing if you find a fascist at your gaming table you throw them the fuck out into the street, and beyond that mainly you just...try not to play a fuckin’ fascist character. This isn’t really a problem you can solve at the table level, since it’s buried into the writing; all you can do is be aware of it, and not play into it. It shouldn’t be terribly difficult to not make a paladin who’s into kicking poor people and undermining the rights of sapient beings, yeah? Paladins tend to fall into these sorts of problems when they’re depicted as supporting strongmen, or as being the Special And Exalted People to whom the rules do not apply - basically the same situations that give superheroes as a genre their ongoing fascism problem. Keep a weather eye out.

Genocide - The two-for-one combo! Paladins have had a genocide problem as far back as AD&D 2e, where several had racial or religious genocide in their backstories. Sometimes those paladins Fell as a result, sure, but a disturbing amount of them didn’t. We also have such gems as, “A local paladin has started a crusade against half-breeds” (a plot hook published in Draconomicon for 3.5), that greentext story about the paladin and dwarf ‘bros’ who spend their free time murdering orc children, and everything that’s ever been written about how drow are characterized and treated by others. Now, in fairness to paladins, Dungeons & Dragons itself has problems with the themes of race and with its depiction of the morality of genocide, and paladins could be merely caught up in that. On a basic level, solving this issue is easy; don’t endorse genocide, don’t make edgy racist concepts to see if you can ‘still be good’. Even if that wasn’t already tired and worn, someone else already took that concept and went pro with it.

For more information about fantasy’s troubles with race and racial coding, I highly suggest this article & its sequel, as well as Lindsay Ellis’s Bright video.

Youth Pastor Syndrome - This one’s not as dire a problem as the other two; there’s a tendency to play paladins in a way that sucks the fun out of the rest of the group, either because you’re being a judgemental asshole in-character (and possibly out of it), or because they’re constantly having to tiptoe around you to get things done or do what they want in the campaign. In theory, same-paging should help solve this problem before it starts, and it honestly mainly stems from the various ‘association’ clauses in paladin codes through their history. An uptight paladin isn’t necessarily a bad concept, but make sure it’s the right concept for your group before you just go there. Your desire to run a particular character is not an excuse to shit on everyone else’s fun.

Sir Dumbass the Just - So this topic isn’t so much a ‘pitfall’ as something that doesn’t get talked about a lot. There has not been a single incarnation of paladin that is rewarded for investing in Intelligence; instead, they tend to crave Strength or  Dexterity, Constitution, and Wisdom and/or Charisma (depending on edition and build). Once your main three are solved, Wisdom is the next-most important ability score for an adventuring paladin, because it directly relates to detecting threats, seeing through illusions, and resisting mind control, which leaves Intelligence in the dust next to whichever one of Strength or Dexterity you didn’t pick. This means, more often than not, that paladins are going to struggle in scholarly pursuits, be bad at Knowledge-type skills, and otherwise be uneducated in many ways, which most assuredly influences both their internal culture and the sorts of people who become successful paladins. Give the matter some consideration when you’re making your own.

Lady Natasha Pointe-Claire of the Dust March - Paladins as NPCS

Related to what was discussed just above, not all paladins are necessarily adventurers. Though the image of the paladin as a knight-errant, wandering the world in order to defeat foul plots and punch demons in the asshole, is both valid and probably very relevant to paladin player characters, there are other roles that a paladin might fulfill in your campaign setting. Such paladins are still members of a warrior class, and will thus have things in common with player character paladins, but their different roles will encourage investment in other kinds of abilities and skills which might not lead to a successful adventuring paladin, but will lead to a pretty good life in the other job. The following examples are by no means exhaustive, but they should provide a good place for a DM to start if they wanna incorporate paladin NPCs into their games in roles other than fellow (or rival) adventurers. Mentor - Probably the most straightforward; this paladin was a successful adventuring paladin who ended up retiring due to age, injuries, or just to enjoy time with their loved ones/family/children rather than getting mauled to death by undead birds. Take a normal paladin build, ratchet them up into Middle Age or Old Age, call it a day. Such paladins are likely to be a lot calmer and more pragmatic than the younger set, with a combination of painful experience and perspective guiding the advice they give on how to fight evil and how to dodge the fireballs that evil be throwing.

Knight-Hospitaller - Hospitallers are healers, caretakers, and guardians of the sick, injured, and infirm. Such a paladin might help maintain a home for those who have been traumatized (abuse victims, soldiers, people laboring beneath magical curses), be employed at or run a hospital, or maintain a temple dedicated to a god of healing and medicine. Hospitallers tend to choose options that enhance their Lay on Hands ability, memorize more healing spells than attack or defense ones, and value Wisdom and Intelligence more highly than their peers, often at the expense of their Strength or Dexterity (or even their Constitution; paladins, being immune to disease, can afford to be surprisingly frail of body in this role).

Fortress Knight - These paladins have a lot in common with adventuring paladins, but are for one reason or another posted in one spot from which they do not leave. They might be the guardians of a frontier village, soldiers watching over a sinister portal, the personal bodyguards to a powerful noble, or any other role in which they take on a defensive, reactionary stance rather than actively seeking out new and exciting forms of evil. Fortress knights need a higher Wisdom and to invest in Perception-type skills, and will tend to focus on utility-type spells with a strong subtheme of attack; they need to be able to rouse the alarm, dispel magic on their allies, and keep an enemy pinned down.

Example Paladin - Corran D’Arcy

I promise you, your long journey through my article is almost over. I wanna talk about a specific paladin to kinda tie things together, as an example of some of these principles and ideas in motion and because Corran d’Arcy is just weirdly legit when he has absolutely no fucking reason to be. Corran appears in the novelization for Pool of Radiance: Ruins of Myth Drannor, written by Carrie Bebris. The book is based on the videogame of the same name, which in turn was made to celebrate the release of D&D 3.0. “Should I play this game?” you ask, to which I reply: absolutely fucking not, the game was a rough ride when it came out and it has not aged remotely well. 3.0 was rapidly updated to 3.5 because of deep and wide mechanical flaws that made the play experience almost physically painful, and converting it to a CRPG did not help that experience at all.

The book though? Excellent. Legitimately one of the best D&D novels. Spoilers for it follow, but I’d still suggest reading it if you get the chance.

The novel is told from the perspective of Kestrel, a petty thief trying to raise enough money to quit her life of crime and, ideally, die in bed of old age rather than of blood loss in some gutter. A series of poor and alcohol-related decisions leads her to volunteer to guard an evil pool of soul-stealing water, which is where she meets Corran d’Arcy, a paladin of Tyr and the third son of a noble family. The two get on like water and oil; to Kestrel, Corran is a pompous, classist piece of shit who judges her without knowing her, and to Corran, Kestrel is the exact kind of criminal and evildoer he so often fights in his day job. When another team opens a portal to beg for help while they’re being slaughtered, Corran quite literally throws Kestrel through it when she’s trying not to go, nearly killing them both.

This puts their professional relationship off to a bit of a distant start, as you might imagine.

Corran’s prejudice, as well as Kestrel’s more-justified-but-still-unhelpful resentment, hinder the party as they attempt to survive in Myth Drannor and defeat the Cult of the Dragon’s schemes there. Corran’s life of privilege has left him unfamiliar with Kestrel’s skills, and he consistently misuses those skills or forgets to ask for her opinion and expertise - to the detriment of the group. This painful oversight aside, however, Corran proves surprisingly practical; he works with the party’s wizard to create effective combat tactics, utilizes invisibility for surprise attacks against powerful foes, and coordinates well in the heat of battle; after all, the Cult of the Dragon is not taking requests for formal duels, and the fate of the world is at stake. Corran is polite even to his enemies, and openly negotiates with the minions and allies of the Cult in order to avoid combat - notably including drow houses that have made their homes in Myth Drannor. Through the course of the novel, he and Kestrel go from being openly antagonistic towards one another to developing a newfound respect, starting when Kestrel calls Corran out for endangering the party by refusing to retreat. Corran, in turn, forces Kestrel to confront the fact that she has been unhappy living her life with no purpose other than to die another day, a revelation that shakes her to her core.

Things come to a head when one of Corran’s decisions gets a man killed. Kestrel calls him out on it, accusing him - correctly - of hurting those he’s trying to protect by misusing her skills and ignoring the advice of his companions. Seeing his genuine anguish over these events softens Kestrel’s rage towards the paladin, enough that they essentially start their relationship over from the top with genuine change from both of them. A scene late in the book where Kestrel helps Corran find the confidence to attempt divine magic (a gift given only to ‘truly worthy’ paladins) cements what has finally become a trusting friendship.

Corran d’Arcy is an excellent example of a classic paladin archetype with life and humanity breathed into it. He has prejudices and insecurities; he feels pressured to live up to a long legacy of knighthood that intimidates him. At the same time, the virtues he lives up to reward him over and over again, from his bold valor (which sees to the defeat of many evildoers) to his courtesy and honor in social situations (which wins him unlikely allies in a ruined city overrun by wickedness). Though he starts out as a dick, Corran is not malicious, and it’s his genuine desire to do good by others that motivates the change in his behavior; when he learns that he is hurting his friends, he knows that he must change.

That’s the end of the article proper! I hope you found it informative and, more than anything, helpful in creating paladins for your game and campaign setting. I absolutely welcome questions, comments, critique, additions, and the like; my Ask box is open, and the Reblog button is right there.

That said, if you’re interested, Mister Vox’s Wild Ride is not yet over. I got bit by the homebrew bug halfway through this damnable thing, so here’s a paladin oath based on a family from my first completed interactive story, Dungeon Life Quest. Constructive critique of this material is also very welcome!

Oath of the la Croix (D&D 5e Sacred Oath)

(River la Croix, journeyman necromancer and demonologist, ex-mercenary. Character is from Dungeon Life Quest, art provided by Domochevsky.)

The la Croix family have been necromancers for longer than they’ve been the la Croix; they laid down much of the foundations of modern necromancy, and have, through the ages, been tyrants, villains, refugees and, these days, heroes. To be a la Croix is not a matter of blood, but of commitment to the family’s ideals; one must be willing to help those in need, to serve the community, be a level head in times of trouble, to show respect for death and the dead, and to make hard choices with a calm heart.

Though most la Croix are necromancers, alchemists, healers, or summoners of various kinds, every now and again a paladin-like warrior emerges from the ranks of the family, often by adoption. Whether or not such cousins are ‘real’ paladins is a subject of languid internal debate in the family - no la Croix has ever fallen to the point where she lost her powers, but a few have managed to go mad enough with that power to end up hunted down by the rest of the family. The question doesn’t really need answering, but it’s fun to argue about after three cups of wine.

Tenets of the la Croix The high standards expected of la Croix paladins are also expected of anyone who chooses to bear the family name. You can give up the name at any time, but most la Croix children - by adoption or by blood - try to wear it with pride.

Life is for the Living, Death is for the Dead. No one chooses to be born, and very few people choose to die. Respect these truths. Take life when you must, but not cruelly, and never for personal gain. Remember that you, too, are alive, and deserve the chance to enjoy that life as all people do.

Your Name is ‘Somebody’. If there is a call for help, you are the one to answer; when you hear ‘somebody do something’, ‘somebody help me’, you are Somebody, child of Anyone. If you can’t help directly, do everything you can anyway. None of us deserve to be alone.

Serve, Not Rule. A la Croix’s place in her community is service to that community. We are not nobles, tyrants, or generals; we dwell among the common people to protect and shelter them, and to remind ourselves of all the ways in which we are alike. Our power makes us different, not better.

They, Too, Are Victims of Life. You do not know the struggles others go through, just as they do not know yours. All are condemned to live and to die, and deserve your compassion even when you are moved to strike them down for the greater good. Bury your enemies and give them their last rites as if they were your own family.

Oath Spells You gain oath spells at the paladin levels listed.

3rd - bane, false life 5th - darkness, gentle repose 9th - bestow curse, fear 13th - phantasmal killer, shadow of Moil* 17th - danse macabre*, planar binding

*appears in Xanathar’s Guide to Everything

Channel Divinity When you take this oath at 3rd level, you gain the following Channel Divinity options.

Ancestral Protection - You can use your Channel Divinity to call upon your la Croix ancestors for protection. As an action, you suffer damage equal to your paladin level; this damage cannot be prevented or reduced in any way. Then, you and all allies within 30 feet of you gain a bonus to armor class equal to your Charisma modifier for 1 minute.

Balefire Blast - You can use your Channel Divinity to scourge an enemy with death-in-flame. Make a spell attack against a creature within 30 feet. If you hit, that creature suffers necrotic damage equal to your paladin level, plus fire damage equal to your paladin level. If it dies within 1 minute of being hit, it counts as dying of old age in addition to its actual cause of death (usually meaning that it is much more difficult to bring back from the dead).

Necromancer’s Aura Beginning at 7th level, you radiate constant necromantic wards that protect you and your allies. You and allies within 10 feet of you have resistance to necrotic damage and radiant damage, and you make saving throws against effects which would kill you outright with advantage.

At 18th level, the range of this aura increases to 30 feet.

Friend of Death Starting at 15th level, you regain 1 spell slot of 3rd level or lower whenever a creature within 30 feet of you is reduced to 0 or less hit points. You can regain a number of spell slots this way equal to your Charisma modifier; once you reach this limit, you must finish a long rest to use this ability again.

Aphrael’s Chosen At 20th level, you gain the ability to enter a state of heightened necromantic power, in which you can channel far more sorcery than usual. As an action, you suffer damage equal to your paladin level, then begin channeling raw death magic for 1 minute. While in this state, you gain the following benefits:

- You are immune to all effects which would kill you outright - Whenever you cast a paladin spell, you can make a weapon attack as part of casting that spell. You are not required to make this attack. - Creatures make their saving throws against your spells with disadvantage.

Once you use this feature, you can’t use it again until you finish a long rest.

#d&d #paladin #pathfinder #rpg #violence #ethics #philosophy

[retrauxpunk]

Rain, I ask you: ALL the quarantine asks!

Animated character that was your gay awakening? not really an ‘awakening’ so much as a ‘hint’, but Azula from Avatar: the Last Airbender ... yep

Grilled cheese or PB&J? GRILLED CHEESE

What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on? I don’t really experience this mood, but my go-to watch is the vlogbrothers YouTube channel

Your go-to bar order, if you drink? if it’s a low-key/work outing, lager or cider (esp the ones with non-apple fruits too); if it’s getting more serious (lol) or with closer friends or a more celebratory mood: vodka with sparkling apple juice

What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own? these Doc Martens that are white with red hearts got ’em with my first ever full time design job paycheck. i did not take care of them well so they’re super scuffed/beat-up and very much not Perfectly White ... but they’re still comfy as heck, i still love the design, and they’ve lasted 3 years so far, let’s see how much longer we can make it ... also i think they’re a limited edition so i likely won’t get my hands on any replacements...

Top three cuisines? my cheap-ass answer would be, like: East Asian, South-East Asian, Western European ... but my non-shit answer is... Japanese, Chinese, Italian (ftr i’m not a seafood fan ... i just love the ramen and non-seafood stuff that japan makes hehe)

What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)? i have no clue

What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had? cold-calling strangers to ask them to do market research phone surveys (y)

Look up. What’s directly across from you? the kitchen

Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? i have a messenger bag that i got signed by Jeph Jacques of the Questionable Content webcomic that i once adored ... and I think my boyfriend has gifted me a signed Matthew Reilly hardcover.

Preferred way to spend a rainy day? curled up indoors wearing something cosy, reading and eating something delicious. playing animal crossing lol. aaaaand listening to music, a good podcast, watching stand-up comedy, drawing, getting intoxicated...

What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? occasionally the standard smoked salmon and cream cheese, but i slightly prefer the meat to be, like, prosciutto

Brunch or midnight snacks? ehh fuck it, both???? both!!

Favorite mug you own easter limited edition waitrose mug, squat and round and yellow, painted/shaped like a very round chick. a Borb,,,,

What coffee drink would you describe yourself as? i actually thought about this and, uh, peppermint mocha. not for everyone, slightly weird, never fitting in with the regulars/being a default, but???? obviously awesome?? also: about 65% on the mainstream/hipster scale

Pick a song lyric to describe your current mood (and drop the name and artist!) The Wombats is the artist. lyrics are either “Let's dance to Joy Division / and celebrate the irony / Everything is going wrong, / but we're so happy” from Let’s Dance to Joy Division or “the edge of nowhere’s such a beautiful place” from Emoticons

Fruity or herbal teas? herbal but i agree with @queenofslime, black tea is the best

What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless? ...do i experience embarrassment about what i like to watch on TV? i don’t know if i do, because i watch relatively few shows ... and have relatively little shame? maybe???

That book you were forced to read for class but actually ended up enjoying? ftr i wasn’t bitter about this before reading, i had no preconceived biases against, and i was pretty open to liking it -- The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri

Do you match your socks? if they’re of a really nice design then yes always, if they’re of a more standard/generic design then ... not necessarily

Have you ever been horseback riding? yes a few times ... on the last time which was like five years ago ... the lady said i was a natural and asked if i’d ridden much before, which was. flattering. and yes this is a Brag.

What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) didn’t have much of a hardcore phase but i was pretty much always into fantasy ... oh wait yeah i did! i had a spy phase :)

Have you ever been to jail? to closed-down ones, yep

What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)? pretty great idea unequivocably, right?

Puzzles? i tend to enjoy riddles/lateral thinking puzzles, i am impartial about jigsaw puzzles. i enjoy escape rooms.

You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it? apple ... but elderflower if i’m feeling reckless (y)

What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore? young adult ... or stationery

What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now? Russian language :( it’s going не так хорошо

Who’s your go-to musical artist when you’re feeling upbeat? not sure if i have a go-to artist so much as go-to playlists i’ve made but some good ones are The Wombats and Bastille 

Where could someone find you in a museum? mammals/birds in natural history

What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to? i swear i was talking about this recently but i clean the fuck forgot what it was ... oh yeah, i have this short-sleeved black minidress festooned with silver buckles/buttons and also featuring decorative suspenders ... which, yes, does make me look like a sexy military officer,,, anyway it’s pretty badass and somehow it hasn’t occurred to me till now that i can just wear that every day now if i want? ftw i do get the chance to wear it, it’s just a little bit Extra so i get self-conscious. i’ve worn it a few times though. including to work. because fuck it, right? i didn’t become a graphic designer to be shy about sometimes looking like a prototypical emo/scene kid-turned-adult??? (ftr i was never an actual emo/scene kid. i lacked the requisite guts, commitment of feeling, and permissive parents.)

Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds? sunset-coloured clouds :)

If you could own any non-traditional pet (dogs, cats, fish, rodents, etc), what would it be? how about a shapeshifting feathered dragon that could range from, like, two thirds of a foot long (20cm) to sit on your shoulder, to ... the size of a massive draft horse? (but longer and thinner)

Do you have more art on your walls or more photographs? photos, though if i didn’t live with a partner, it might be art

You have to get one meme tattooed on your body, what meme is it and where does it go? i’ve already got a meme tattooed on my body ... a private meme i have with my boyfriend, one on each leg (left: outer side, just above knee; right: outside, a few inches above the ankle)

Pick a superhero sidekick to hang out with ?????? is this a sidekick to a known superhero, or a superhero to act as your sidekick? also i don’t know? who are the standard heroes? i’m not up to date on this.

Lakes, rivers, or oceans? rivers or oceans

Favorite mid-2000s song i can’t decide a favourite, it’s too stressful, but one that i like is Rob Thomas’s Little Wonders

How do you dress when you’re home alone? either a t-shirt and PJ pants, or a dress (usually short-sleeved/sleeveless minidress)

Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? on either side of the couch haha

Knives or swords? BOTH but ok swords.

A song you didn’t think you’d enjoy but ended up loving hmmmmm like all of Linkin Park’s first three albums with some exceptions? hahahah

Pick an old-school Disney Channel Original Movie i don’t think i.....know any????

Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? explanation, though on instagram quite often the photo and caption are unrelated

Name a classic Vine there’s only one thing worse than a rapist...

What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? dumplings! as in the gyoza type.

How do you top your ice cream? that ‘magic’ chocolate sauce that hardens into chocolate. that stuff. i watched those ads all childhood long but my parents were immigrants and therefore very thrifty so we NEVER bought it iirc and then in my adulthood i got it a bunch of times. but now i live in the uk and can’t find it. and forgot it existed. and have never seen it anywhere.

Do you like Jello? the kind that’s served on a plate as a dessert? meh. the kind that are found in asian grocery stores as individual fruit-flavoured serves in little plastic cups? YES 

What’s something that you don’t have a picture of that you wish you did? future stock prices? LOL ... or i’m gonna go with @queenofslime‘s answer again -- how others see me. it’s a great answer.

How are you at climbing trees? not............ good. i mean, i like climbing, but i have absolutely terrible upper body strength. i did bouldering for a couple months but only stuck to the first like... three out of nine difficulty levels.

#thanks!! hehe #quarantine asks #queenofslime #asks

[europeanguy]

Gotta Gogh [Part 4: Paris Fucking France]

Pairing: Nadia x Maxwell

Words: 4,320

Tags: Canon Divergence, Crossovers, Curse words probably, The Riot Club!AU not really anymore lol

A/N: Well, hello again. It’s been like 2 months since I last updated? Sorry 😥 This is part 4/5! It’s almost over y’all lmao

“-nous approchons maintenant de l'aéroport de Paris le Bourget…où l'heure locale est 11:00.”

Maxwell rubs his eyes, taking out one earbud that blasted pop music in his ears. He hasn’t visited Paris in ages. 

Nadia has a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, her hair a nest. She stares slack-jawed outside her window, making Maxwell smile. It wasn’t like him to go to such lengths for a girl. Yet he was clueless on what to do about it. All he thought about these days was Nadia. Nadia, whose face is slightly illuminated by the city lights beneath as the plane gets closer. She jumps when the tires touch the tarmac. The small jet shakes as it speeds through the runway of the private airport – eventually slowing down to taxi. The cabin lights flicker back on and he winces at the sudden brightness.

“You okay? Are you hungr-“

“Hungry.” She turns to him, expression still in slight disbelief.

“Of course.” He laughs.

The air is heavy with cold recycled air and the scent of clean, dry pine. An attendant pours Evian into glasses as the other staff efficiently follow deplaning protocol. “Here you go,” She says in accented English. “The car will arrive in a moment sir. We’re sorry for the delay, it should have been waiting for you.”

Nadia’s eyebrows shoot up – amused – and takes one glass on the tray. Maxwell thanks the attendant, a little embarrassed.

“You will need a jacket.” The attendant advises when the plane’s doors are opened. Nadia sighs and looks at Maxwell. “Fine. And I’m going to pay you back for it.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Maxwell winks and barely dodges a pillow that Nadia throws in his direction. “It’s a little late to get dinner right here, but I’m sure we have food at uh-“ He clears his throat. “home.”

“Home? Where are we staying again?”

“Sir, the car is here.”

Maxwell gets up from his seat and stretches as much as he could inside the jet. “My mom’s old house. Unless you want to go to a hostel… sleep next to some strangers…?”

“Hostels have individual beds!” Nadia huffs, folding her blanket as she gets up but gives up on it halfway. She shoots the attendant an apologetic look. I will take care of it, she smiles. Friendly, understanding. “Plus, how else can you make new friends?”

Maxwell nods. “Right, right. Like us?”

Nadia laughs. “Yeah?” He lets her pass through first. The stewardess hands her a thick, fur-lined suede jacket before they get out. She looks a little confused when the stewardess helps her put it on but goes with it.

 Once settled in the heated car, their fingers and the tips of their noses thaw from the cold. Nadia looks out the window in awe. Even Maxwell admits, seeing Paris at night is still a shock to the system. The air was different, roads more crowded with tourists. In a way it was a beautiful chaos compared to Cordonia.

“I still can’t- am I actually here? In Paris-fucking-France?” Nadia tears her gaze away from the view.

“Paris-fucking-France indeed. I missed this place.” Maxwell looks outside as the car passes a huge open plaza flanked by three old buildings – the middle one being the biggest and most imposing. “Look, l’École nationale supérieure des Beaux-Arts. National School of Fine Arts.”

Nadia nods, recognizing the name. “Degas, Monet, Renoir, Fragonard… shit, can we go?!”

“Sure.” Maxwell laughs. “We’re almost here though. It’s tucked away in a street here, near that church.”

The car avoids a couple of tourists, swerving down a private road. Rows of townhomes line each side, accented with vintage cars and a scatter of leaves. Just ahead, his mother’s home situated near the end of the line. Almost 10,000 square feet of land, three-floors, and light spilling warmth out the windows. With Bertrand being the older son – and the default heir of almost everything in Ramsford – the will stated that Maxwell get everything from his mother’s side, including this house. Legally, it was his house now. This huge, late 17th century heritage, passed on in a straight line in his mother’s side.

Maxwell helps Nadia out of the car. He knocks the gold door knocker before feeling a little weird. This was his. He pushes the door open and a blond form hurtles itself from the foyer, engulfing him in a warm hug.

“Ines!” He hugs her back, smiling into her hair. He falters momentarily when she steps back and holds him at arm’s length. His mom would’ve been Ines’ age today. He remembers, Ines being his mother’s closest friend and confidante. She never laughed as hard as she had with Ines as they took tea during afternoons – Bertrand and Maxwell playing but mostly fighting – in the gardens. Ines looks more or less the same, albeit having more lines settling in her skin. She still had her perpetually pink cheeks and her friendly brown eyes.

“C’est qui, ca?”

“C’est Nadia,” Maxwell silently wishes his mother would peek from the parlour, tease him about finally bringing a girl home.

“Nice to meet you!” Nadia smiles, unsure what to do next.

“Ohhh, how pretty!” Ines envelops her in a tight hug. Nadia returns her hug eagerly. “Are you hungry? Tu aimes bien les pâtes?”

Maxwell mouths pasta? at her and she nods. “Pasta sounds good.”

“So, this is your mom’s house?” Nadia asks when Ines quickly disappears into the kitchen. It is more like an art gallery than a home. Instead of flowers, the foyer’s centerpiece was a sculpture of a head. The walls are white Rococo panels – intricate leaves and shell mouldings. It wouldn’t surprise anyone if it turns out that those Monets and Manets on the walls are real. The living room was tastefully furnished with actual canape settees balanced with more modern pieces. “It’s beautiful.”

“She loves this place,” More so than the Ramsford Estate, more than any other property of theirs. “She loves art too, you know? She would’ve liked you.” Maxwell tries to smile as he takes it all in. He sinks down on a couch, feeling all of a sudden tired but so wide awake.

“Well, she has amazing taste.” Nadia nods in approval as she surveys the room. “Oh my god… Is this you?!”

Nadia holds up a gold frame, a picture of 11-year old Maxwell in his Halloween costume – a chubby little superman. Beside him, she recognizes Liam and Olivia – dressed as Harry Potter and a dragon, respectively. In the corner, a white blur.

“Don’t look at that!” Maxwell snatches the frame as Nadia laughs.

“You were so adorable! I didn’t know you guys celebrated Halloween in Cordonia.” She peeks over his shoulder, trying to get a look at the picture again. “What’s that white thing?”

Maxwell snorts. “Drake. He dressed up as a ‘ghost’, apparently. He didn’t even want to be in the picture.”

He remembers that night. It was mostly Drake’s idea to get more candy from the palace kitchens. He brought it up, and Liam made it happen.

“We have an equivalent holiday to uh, remember.” Maxwell distracts himself by rubbing the smudges on the glass with his sleeve, then sets it back down on the side table. “Honestly? The American way is a lot better.”

Nadia grins. “Kai and I make costumes together so we’re coordinating. Every. Single. Year.”

“Attend any parties?”

“No.” Nadia sighs. “I miss her though, I can’t believe we have to break tradition this year.”

Maxwell pouts. “When are you seeing her again?”

“In two months… when I go back.” Nadia smiles bitterly.

“You leave in two months?!” Maxwell sits up in alarm. Oh, shit.

“Yeah. The semester ends in two months, duh!”

“Noooo!” He throws himself back dramatically on the couch.

“What do you mean ‘Noooo’?” Nadia laughs. “So um, don’t you have a brother? Is he here?”

“Way to change the subject, Nadia.” Maxwell frowns, his eyes trailing to his and Bertrand’s picture above a small fireplace. “Bertrand? He’s back in Ramsford probably tearing his hair out with…responsibilities.”

 After a very late dinner, Ines fixes up a room for Nadia. Maxwell is back in his old room, wearing matching sweats that faintly smells like lavender (thanks to Ines). This room is the smallest one he has, and yet it was his favorite. His old drawings stacked neatly in a drawer, his old camera that probably doesn’t work anymore, an old love letter to the first girl he liked, pictures of his friends. A picture of his mom.

“Max?”

A muffled voice calls.

“…mom?”

“Uh, no?” Nadia gently opens the door. She is wearing the pajamas Ines provided, her black hair down. Maxwell tears his eyes away, blushing. Thank god it’s too dark for her to see. He can never get used to just how beautiful she was.

“Can’t wait until tomorrow, huh?” Maxwell stands up from the bed, walking over to her standing underneath the threshold. “I can’t sleep either.” He braces himself on the open door with one arm. Nadia gives him a weird look.

“What are you doing? Mr. GQ?” She teases, and after a second they both burst into laughter. “I mean… yeah, it’s only midnight. Are you tired?”

“I’d like nothing more than to get out of here,” He looks around. “Maybe come back when we’re ready to pass out or something.”

Nadia frowns in concern. “What’s the matter?”

He gestures wildly around him.

“Tell me, then?” She crosses the threshold and plops on the bed, bouncing a couple of times, then looks at him expectantly.

“Are you trying to get me to open up?” Maxwell laughs, shaking his head. “Come on, I’ll get a car ready.”

“Fine.” Nadia shrugs. “Can we walk though?”

“Sure.”

 “Are you sure you’re not cold like that?”

Nadia prances around the street in her pajamas and the suede jacket from earlier. “I’m too happy to feel cold!” She spins ungracefully, grinning widely.

“You’re… really something.” Maxwell’s lips tug into a smile, his heart speeding up when she meets his eyes. “Where do you wanna go?”

“I was thinking – we could hit the museums tomorrow, but tonight we get a proper drink. I’m 19 and I cAN GET WASTED IN FRANCE!” She yells into the sky.

“Drinks with the little umbrellas?” Maxwell suggests.

“Drinks with the little umbrellas, nothing less.”

 Nadia skips lightly as she walks, like a child trying not to scream, gasping as they turn to an old narrow street. The starlight seemed to glow in sync with the buildings, reflections bouncing off of the still slick trees. The lungs of Paris breathes life through the city from the cracks of aged brick and the shimmer of light dancing on the puddles’ surface – and Nadia was in awe. The rush of cheerful passersby, the bustle at night in all of its glory – overwhelming and yet somehow as comforting as home. It seemed to lift her spirit among the trees, sights, and sound pulsing through her veins.

“Does it live up to expectations so far?” Maxwell asks, stepping beside her.

“So far? It’s more than I ever- ugh, it’s so much better.” Nadia squeals. “It’s amazing.”

“It is,” Maxwell agrees, looking at her.

They wander through the streets, Nadia’s unconventional get-up getting a few looks. They pass numerous patisseries, most of them closed. Nadia stops in front of a nondescript black French door with the lights still on.

“Oh man, those look good.” She bites her lip, scanning the store through the small openings. “Do you think they would mind-?”

“We’ll be in and out of their hair in like, two minutes.” He walks up to the door and holds it open for Nadia.

“You like these hole-in-the-wall places huh?” Nadia walks in, appreciating the rich décor and antique paintings randomly hung on the walls.

“I’ve grown to love them.”

Nadia blushes but busies herself with the options displayed on the glass casing.

“I think they’re actually about to close…” Maxwell looks at the cashier awkwardly. He simply shrugs at Maxwell, as if to say, well, are you gonna buy anything?

“Right,” Nadia’s eyebrows knit together, looking for something, then quickly giving up. “You pick I can’t handle being time pressured!”

Maxwell laughs, nodding. “Okay, uh, Je voudrais des éclairs au chocolat et, euh… des macarons, s’il vous plait.”

“À emporter?” The cashier rolls his eyes.

“Oui, pardon.”

He quickly arranges the macarons by color inside a box and a few eclairs in another. They were outside in a flash. Maxwell gets a deep pink macaron as they walk – raspberry chocolate, his favorite. He notices Nadia looking queasy as she bites into a bright yellow one.

“Not good?”

“Maxwell,” Nadia looks up at him. “Why take me here? Seriously?”

“Because… I can?”

“That’s a cop-out answer,” She frowns. “I mean, you’ve spent so much… that private plane, this freaking jacket… this!” She holds up the half-moon shaped macaron.

“Nadia, if you think I’m doing this to get something in return – you’re so wrong. Like, more wrong than the person who invented math.”

“Huh?” Nadia laughs.

“God, I- remind me again why we didn’t get drinks FIRST THING?”

Nadia widens her eyes innocently.

“I guess I really like you?”

“…you guess?” Nadia tries not to smile.

“Yeah. When we were in that hallway in the palace… I guess I realized I would literally do anything and everything to see you happy…if you let me.”

“You’re so-“

“Cheesy.”

“Cute. But also…cheesy. Made me cringe a bit.”

Maxwell gasps. “I TAKE IT ALL BACK!”

Nadia bursts into laughter as she links her arm with his. His nerves go into haywire when she does.

“…wait… you said I was cute?” He looks at her.

“Nope. I’m just here for your money. I don’t think you’re cute at all!” Nadia finishes her macaron, finally looking more peaceful. “Mm, mango!”

“I think I need that drink now.” He cringes, realizing that he sounded just like Drake.

 Stuffed with macarons and eclairs (Maxwell discovered that Nadia ALWAYS had room for dessert), they eventually find a rooftop bar packed with tourists and locals alike. The moonlight shone on the slightly damp stone, the cloudless sky stretching above the city. Obscure French indie music blast from the speakers, but surprisingly not loud enough to make anyone deaf within a mile radius.

“We’re going to die, are we?” Maxwell stares at the drinks Nadia brings back from the bar, balancing a tray of two oversized snifters with electric green liquid, white smoke swirling at the top, and packed with different kinds of candy as “garnish”. She sets them down on their narrow round bar table, looking satisfied.

“They didn’t have the colorful umbrellas, unfortunately.” She excitedly takes her glass and sips the straw. “Cold!!”

Maxwell decides, fuck it, and takes a sip on his own. His eyes widen at the refreshing citrusy flavor. “Shit, that’s good! I don’t even know what it is?”

“Better than your Pineapple Paradise Punch?” Nadia grins.

Maxwell touches his heart. “You remembered?” She rolls his eyes at him. “Almost, but no.”

Nadia raises her heavy glass with both hands. “To Paris?”

“To Paris-fucking-France.” Maxwell does the same, clinking his glass with hers.

Suddenly, a surprise English song plays. There's a spanner in the works, you know, You gotta step up your game to make it to the top…

“I love this song!” Nadia gasps. “Got a little competition now, you're gonna find it hard to cope, livin' on your own, ooh, ooh-” She sings, off-key and so off-beat. She uses one of the lollipops the drink came with as a microphone. The cold wind rustles through her hair but she doesn’t seem to mind as she sings, and then the realization hits Maxwell like an arrow shot through him. His breath catches, like his heart just burst. I’m in trouble.

“Let's get this started, girl, we're movin' up, we're movin' up, it's been a lot to change, but youuuu…will always get what you want.” Maxwell sings along with her, and her eyes widen in surprise when she hears him.

“You know this song?!”

“It’s so bad! Of course I do.” So much trouble. He knew for a while. It was as if he touched a rippling pool, calming the waters with his hand – turning everything crystal clear. Maxwell takes an especially big gulp of his drink. The song ends, just as quickly as it started.

“So what makes Paris so special?” Maxwell looks out on the view, answering his own question. Lights glittered all throughout the cityscape, the Eiffel Tower in the distance. The silver of the moonlight shines subtly in the cloudless dark blanket of a sky.

Nadia smiles. “I guess it’s obvious why. The art scene, mostly.” She sighs dreamily. “But the culture too, the vibe – I feel like I’m transported to another time, you know what I mean? It’s a beautiful thing.”

“Ever painted it?”

Nadia snorts. “I have a whole collection centered on it. It’s the stuff of my dreams.”

“You dream about Paris?”

“Yeah.” She nods. “So um, can we circle back to that conversation earlier?”

Maxwell could feel his heart drop to his stomach. “I don’t know what you’re talking about…?”

“You liking me, me going away…” Nadia’s eyes are down, focused on the green liquor they both don’t know the name of.

“You liking me back…?” Maxwell tries to joke.

She looks up at him, “Me telling you we should be just friends.”

Maxwell doesn’t know what it is. Maybe the fact that he’s finished his drink half-way, maybe it’s because she’s going away in 2 months, maybe it’s Paris. Maybe it’s the way Nadia looks at him that makes what she just said a complete and obvious lie. But something fills him a burst of confidence. “So I can’t think about kissing you?”

“Friends… don’t do that, do they?” Nadia palms her face, trying to hide her smile. “God, I can’t look at you right now.”

“Don’t be weird, Nadia.” Maxwell laughs.

Nadia huffs. “Just promise me one thing, for when I go back to New York.”

“Fine. What?”

“You’ll continue being you. The Maxwell who is always laughing, dancing, joking around…”

“Well that’s depressing.” Maxwell groans. “Okay. Only if you also promise me,”

Nadia looks up at him.

“That…” He leans in, eyes flitting down to her lips. “….you’ll acknowledge me as the Dancing King, superior to all.” His voice is silent, barely a whisper.

Nadia’s cheeks are pink, she smacks him on the shoulder and looks away. “You’re… you’re-“

“The best? Thank you.”

“The worst.” Nadia laughs. “I bet you drove Ines crazy growing up.”

Maxwell chews on his bottom lip. “I do though,” He can’t help but smile at the memories coming back to him. “Although I haven’t really visited ever since Bertrand and I lost our parents.”

Nadia reaches over the bar table to squeeze his hand. “….I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Nadia. I mean it.” Maxwell meets her eyes. “Don’t worry about me though,”

“Is this why you wanted to get out of the house?” Nadia asks quietly.

“Am I that obvious?” Maxwell raises an eyebrow at her, trying to lighten the mood. To his relief, she catches on quick.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m actually an android who can read minds.” Nadia deadpans, and then suddenly she lights up – like she just realized something. “You know what? You should do something – to remember them.”

He narrows his eyes. “What are you thinking?”

Nadia’s gaze is fixed on a guy behind Maxwell, every exposed inch of his skin covered in tattoos. Including his face. She looks at Maxwell again. “You don’t think-?”

“YES. I’M DOING IT.”

-

Nadia fruitlessly fans Maxwell’s face with her hand inside the hot studio, he nods after the not-so-calming words she keeps repeating – he couldn’t really hear anything. It was just him and that shiny, sharp needle. She’s even more worried than him. She stops trying to comfort him and slumps against a wall just as the tattoo artist comes with gloved hands and sterilized tools.

“You don’t get to blame me if this backfires.” Nadia warns. “Oh my god.”

“What?” Maxwell breaks his staring contest with the sharp tools.

“I’m so distracted by your twenty abs.”

“Twenty-? You’re not helping, perv!” Maxwell throws his sweatshirt at Nadia, which she catches before it hits her in the face. The artist grumbles in French for him to steady as he traces the stencil.

“Oh shit oh shit-“ Maxwell closes his eyes when his needle buzzes to life, ready to permanently ink him. He breathes deeply as the vibrating needle touches his skin, feeling as if it’s touching his bone. After a while it feels slightly numb, and before he knows it the sensation was gone. He opens his eyes and the first thing he sees is Nadia’s worried face, looking at his new tattoo.

“Is it bad?” He finally lets out the breath he’s been holding.

“No! It’s… it’s something.”

He listens to the guy’s instructions for aftercare, knowing full well that he’s going to forget the very next day.

Once outside, Nadia finally speaks. “I can’t believe you just- you did that!”

“I did it!” Maxwell grins, feeling exhilarated.

 Coming back to his mom’s house felt different with the tattoo. The lights were off, Ines and the other staff sound asleep. The only sounds were the wind rustling through the greenery and the silent sloshing of water in the deep mosaic pool.

“Nadia,” Maxwell looks at her. They were sitting on a carved stone bench next to the pool. Steam rises from the water’s surface, its lighting casting a blue green aura around the garden. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“I feel so much closer to her,” Maxwell confesses. “It’s like… I don’t have to dread leaving this house every time anymore?”

Nadia nods, looking up at him.

“It’s not as heavy of a feeling, because I have her with me.” Maxwell laughs and shakes his head. “It’s silly.”

“It’s not silly.” Nadia stands up and crouches next to the pool. “This is beautiful. Was it her idea?”

“You know it.” Maxwell stands beside her, their blurry shadows bouncing off the water, beneath it a symmetrical swirling pattern and subtly peacock feather-like shapes formed by thousands of little tiles. Their father complained that it made the garden look too ostentatious, but it was one of a kind. Maxwell smirks at Nadia, getting an idea. “Wanna get a closer look? It’s heated.”

“What? Maxwell no-“

Maxwell backtracks a few steps then runs forward. He jumps high, fully clothed with his shoes on, then lands with a huge splash. He shakes his wet hair out of his face when he surfaces then laughs at Nadia’s shell-shocked expression.

“Come on!”

“Fuck it.” Nadia stands up and ungracefully swan-dives into the pool. She surfaces, laughing. “You’re crazy.”

“And you’re crazy enough to jump with me!” Maxwell sticks his tongue out and splashes Nadia, a huge wave of water hitting her face.

“You’re gonna pay for that!” But before Nadia could splash him, she freezes.

“What?”

“Your tattoo! You can’t be swimming!”

“Shit!”

They both scramble to get out of the pool. The night air chills their soaked skin and heavy clothes, so they run back to the house – the sound of their laughter rising among the squeaking of their shoes.

“Ines is going to kill me.” Maxwell whispers before he opens the back door. Nadia wrings out the corner of her top before she enters.

“My jacket is ruined.” She frowns.

-

Maxwell stares up on the underside of his canopy. As a child his mother hung a mobile of shells on it – he doesn’t know where it is, probably a in a dusty box in the attic. But the room doesn’t feel as empty as it did a few hours ago. Maxwell sighs, maybe it’s just the light sting on his chest. He feels it over his shirt. A little hippo. He turns to his side, feeling a little uncomfortable with his still wet, but not dripping, hair. Nadia comes out of the en-suite with her hair up in a towel. Maxwell lent her his clothes, his t-shirt and shorts looking extra-large on her frame. She collapses beside him on the bed.

“My feet feel like jelly.” She whispers.

Maxwell is still reeling from their little adventure – not to mention all the sugar they consumed. “…Same.”

Nadia hiccups, breaking the silence, and Maxwell laughs, his stomach hurting. “Ow… that was cute.”

“Your hair is cute.” Nadia sits up, trying to insult him.

“What?” Maxwell follows her, unconsciously feeling his hair.

Nadia looks at him, her expression softening. “Huh, it actually looks cute. You can tie it up in little poofs.”

“We really need to sleep.” Maxwell locks eyes with Nadia, suddenly aware of how close their faces are.

Nadia nods. “Yeah…”

Maxwell doesn’t move, and neither does she. He leans in, his hand cupping her cheek. He doesn’t ask, instead his eyes search hers. He is breathless, the sound of his heart beating so loudly he’s convinced she could hear it. Before Maxwell could pull away because this is a bad, bad idea, Nadia closes her eyes and presses her lips to his. His eyes widen in shock at first, slowly closing when it felt like his brain would melt. He kisses her back, his hand drifting on the back of her neck to pull her closer. Nadia smiles against his kiss, and he hesitantly pulls away – forehead touching hers.

“Good night.” Nadia kisses him again, quick and soft, before standing up and making her way to the door, back to her own room.

Once the door clicks shut, Maxwell throws himself back on the bed with a groan, covering his flushed face with both hands.

How is he supposed to sleep after that?

to be continued

FUN FACTS that I made up all in my head so don’t take it too seriously

Did Kiara write this chapter?

-        First of all, the French parts were google translated so please pleASE LET ME LIVE. (It also included an amount of research on How Not to Sound Like An Idiot – which was fun.)

-        Second, idk either HAHA but the Beaumont name sounds super French to me so I hc that they have some of that blood in them and they have very strong ties to it despite being an old and established family in Cordonia. So like, let’s say Maxwell and Bertrand grew up speaking French before Cordonian and English, since it was first taught to them at home.

-        Third, I just wanted to be cute. (I also have no consistency).

Their song:

-        The song Nadia sings at the bar is supposed to be Stay by Zedd and Alessia Cara, and then I realized… the story is set in 2011. So I had to scour my playlist for a song that doesn’t break the rules of time and space. Bam, Something Good Can Work by Two Door Cinema Club. It helps if you listen to it while reading that part 😉

#europeanguy #gotta gogh #part 4 #maxwell x nadia #maxwell beaumont #nadia park #trr #the royal romance #pm #perfect match #fan fiction #fluff #au #canon divergence #long post #europeanguy fic #im sorry for not updating lol

[the-master-cylinder]

SUMMARY In 1893, a young woman wears a magical bracelet and the dark shadow of an evil jinni (genie) looms over a bloody scene, foreshadowing the violence to come.

In modern day, three criminals burglarize a house owned by the now elderly woman with the magical bracelet. The criminals kill her with an axe to her face and find the lamp. A genie is released from inside and possesses the old lady’s corpse to kill one of the burglars by head butting him with the double-headed axe still lodged in the corpse’s skull. The genie finds and murders the other two intruders.

After surveying the crime scene, an officer sends the evidence, including the lamp and bracelet, for display at a natural science museum. From inside the lamp, the genie observes the museum’s curator, Dr. Bressling, cataloguing the newly arrived artifacts. Dr. Wallace’s teenage daughter, Alex, is also present and she tries on the magical bracelet. In a fit of adolescent angst, she says to her father, “Sometimes I wish you were dead!” She’s unable to take off the bracelet.

Alex’s class goes on a field trip to the museum where her dad works. The genie possesses Alex’s body and convinces her friends to go on an “outing” later to spend the night at the museum. The genie levitates Dr. Bressling’s body and decapitates him with a ceiling fan. The genie embodies more people and museum artifacts to commit acts of violence. Many bloody murders ensue. In the form of a resurrected snakeskin, he murders an opera-singing security guard. Alex’s friend, Babs, takes a bath at the museum and is killed by the demonized snakes during her bath. The genie’s true form is finally revealed as he chases Alex and her friends down the halls of the museum. Help arrives and together, they try to “destroy the lamp to destroy the jinn by throwing the lamp into the fire inside the incinerator.

At the end of the credits, the opera-singing security guard returns to take a bow.

DEVELOPMENT The fantasy-horror movie The Lamp, produced by H.I.T. Films of Houston, Texas. Shot for a little more than $2 million in a little less than six weeks, the film will already have opened in most of the rest of the world by the time Skouras Pictures releases it here late this summer or early fall. According to Warren Chaney, The Lamp’s writer and producer-and Deborah Winters’ husband-that strategy enabled the film to make its money back even before a U.S. distribution deal was struck.

“This picture developed out of an old McGuffey Reader that had the ‘Aladdin and His Lamp’ story in it,” explains Chaney. “My mom used to read it to me when I was four or five years old. There was a picture of a genie in there-half-animal, half-man that wasn’t your friendly genie, and he scared me.”

Chaney went on to make his own 8mm films as a child. He later joined the Army, where he did TV shows, training films and videos and picked up a PhD in behavioral sciences. After leaving the military, he worked as a professional magician and then became involved in TV writing and production for The Fall Guy, among other programs. And even when he moved into feature production, serving as executive producer for the comedy Hunauna Bay (directed by Halloween III’s Tommy Lee Wallace), that childhood image was still working in his head. Finally, it worked its way out through his fingers and onto paper, and The Lamp was born.   “My wife had been after me for some time to do a horror movie, because she loves horror films, but I didn’t want to do a regular dice-’em slice-’em thing. So I thought, ‘What would happen if Aladdin’s lamp really existed, and what if it did grant you wishes … but instead of the fantasy that has developed around the lamp, that of the nice sweet genie that grants your wish, it’s more like the actual mythology?’”

He began researching the idea, aided by some friends in the Middle East. “The legend of Aladdin really springs up in two quarters, with two existing legends. One is Chinese, one is Middle Eastern, and they both overlap somewhat,” Chaney elaborates. “Well, I didn’t know anyone in China, so I leaned toward the Middle Eastern version, which is essentially that the genie is a spirit that can take on the form of a man or animal, and it takes on more than that. It takes on the master. According to tradition, the master literally becomes enslaved by the lamp.”

The film’s actual budget was $1.6 million but by the time the production house and studios add on to it, it was around $3 to $3.7 million-about a third of the average film budget then. But, I spent only $1.6 on the film. The film had a 6 week prep time followed by a 5 week film shoot on location.

“I was originally going to shoot the movie in Hollywood. We were going to use Marina Del Rey and dress it up as Galveston,” admits Chaney. “but Fred Kuehnert, a friend of mine I’ve known for 14 or 15 years, said, ‘Why don’t you film this story in Texas? We’d like to get involved with you.’ We ended up shooting in Houston, in Galveston and in Los Angeles. We were able to get most of our locations in Houston, but had to return to LA to shoot some scenes.”

Kuehnert, the president and cofounder of H.I.T. Films in Houston, is no novice. He was executive producer of both The Buddy Holly Story and Aurora Encounter, and before that he served a long stint in TV production. He also knew how to get films funded. The Lamp ended up getting much of its production budget from investors in Kuwait, who were, as Chaney points out, interested in the legend.

Tom Daley, the film’s director, was there from the beginning as well. A former film student at the University of Texas, where he did some palling around with Tobe Hooper, Daley has directed commercials and music videos, including Julie Brown’s “Homecoming Queen’s Got A Gun.” (“I’m infamous for that one,” he laughs.) He and Chaney met at the Milan Film Festival in Italy a few years ago, and nearly collaborated on a movie to be called Breakdancers From Mars. Says Chaney, “It was a sciencefiction parody. It was also one of those cases where I’d get one part of the funding and I couldn’t get the other, then I’d get the other and the first would fall out, so circumstances were such that we began The Lamp instead.”   In fact, Chaney, who has taught at the university level, is a bona fide film buff. He’s written articles on movies for several publications, and met his wife at a Western film convention in Memphis, where he was visiting his mother, Penny Edwards, a well-known B-Western star of the ’40 and ’50s. In conversation about The Lamp, he mentions such venerable films as Tod Browning’s Dracula, King Kong, and Howard Hawks’ The Thing. “With a name like Chaney, you have an obvious throwback to the classic horror films,” he chuckles. “I pulled a scene, slightly, from Man in the Iron Mask, there’s a shipboard scene like in Nosferatu, things like that just off and on throughout the picture. There’s a little touch of Lionel Atwill’s Mystery of the Wax Museum. And, obviously, I couldn’t leave out Phantom of the Opera, Hunchback of Notre Dame or The Unholy Three.”

Director Daley agrees that The Lamp harkens back to some of the classic horror films in many ways, although he cites Poltergeist as well as John Carpenter’s The Thing as an influence on his approach. He also credits cinematographer Herbert Raditschmig for the film’s look, which he says is “very rich.”

Whether or not The Lamp will establish itself as the best of the independent horror crop remains to be seen. But it already can claim one distinction. “The concept is the thing that’s really different,” claims Chaney. “There has never been an evil genie movie.”

One of the preliminary design for “The Genie” by Barbara Anne Bock

I did a few versions of the Lamp and Genie. The director just picked one. I always liked to draw mythical beasts. The Lamp is kind of based on sex. The two dragon things are having a good time! I know Chris Biggs sculpted the Lamp alone. The Lamp stayed pretty much the same during sculpture. Brian Wade, Chris Swift and Gabe Bartalos sculpted the Genie. It changed (for the better!) from the original sketch. They made it look great. It was about 10 feet tall and massive. – Barbara Anne Bock (“Genie” and “Lamp” Designer-Reel EFX)

“The Lamp” by Barbara Anne Bock

SPECIAL EFFECTS With Chaney producing, Daley attached as director, and Winters handling the casting and functioning as associate producer, The Lamp swung into preproduction. “It was a very ambitious project and we didn’t have much time to shoot it,” says first-time director Daley, “but the crew put up with working 15, 16 and 17 hours a day. It sometimes took until 4:00 or 5:00 a.m. to finesse the mechanical FX to the point where they were successful. But overall, everything went very smoothly. We spent so much time prepping it-from January until March of last year, working on the special FX, storyboarding the picture out, and doing the casting-that it went much smoother than most.”

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CGI didn’t really exist at that time as we have them today. The effects” that were added in post were mostly “animation such as the glow around the genie, the lamp clicker, smoke enhancement, etc. I knew and liked David Hewitt (Technomagic Film Effects/Hollywood Optical Systems], very much. He worked with us in post-production and some of the animation effects that were added, were his. David was a few years older than me, but being young at the time, we struck it off pretty good. He had also been involved with “stopmotion” animation and I was very tempted to go that way with the genie. Eventually, budget limitations and time overtook us, so I continued with what we had.

A five-man crew from Reel EFX (makeup FX and creature construction supervised by Gabe Bartalos and Jim Gill), in addition to the makeup and mechanical FX, also built the glass shields to keep the snakes away from the actors.

Some of Gabe Bartalos’ fondest memories of the shoot was the construction of the amazing genie and operating it on set. The sculpture, giant fiberglass molds and even foam fabrication was accomplished in Los Angeles at Reel EFX. We then trucked everything down to Huston, Texas, and set up a temporary work space. The genie was revealed in pieces, so we assembled him in sync with production. The first week just the arm was needed to burst through a wall, so Jim built an articulated aluminum armature that was inside the creature’s arm. I then painted the skin using a combination of rubber cement paint that was airbrushed on and complimented by hand painting details in PAX paint. By the time the full genie was needed, we were ready, and it was pretty impressive. The entire genie was mounted on a riser arm attached to a heavy weight dolly. Mounted on the sides of the dolly were the long controllers for the arms, torso rotation and head movement. Under the genie where his waist ended, we attached a cheesecloth pouch that had huge amounts of smoke pumped through it so it looked like the genie was floating on a column of smoke. When we pushed him through the museum at “high speed” with all of us on the dolly manipulating the creature, it was a real thrill—this was making a monster movie!

The genie was latex with foam rubber backing, sculpted from a ton and a half of clay. Its bottom part was mostly a liquid nitrogen tank; operation of the top was, according to Reel EFX’s Martin Becker, “partially pneumatic, partially hydraulic, and partially cable pull. And part of it was radio-controlled.” Becker is “fairly happy” with the work he and his crew did, although he feels that a bit more time would have served the FX better. The hardest part consisted of getting the 20-foot tall monster to move with some degree of freedom. With its elongated, fully-articulated arms stretched straight out, the three-fingered humanoid creature was 23-feet wide. The genie stands only eight feet tall. Its misty bottom was added by means of a liquid nitrogen tank connected below the waist. “The liquid nitrogen gave a nice effect, was non-toxic and didn’t smell everybody out of the room like a lot of fog generators do,” said Bartalos. “Basically, it’s 70 percent of what air is-only much colder. You only have to worry about getting frostbite.”

“The reanimated mummy” was an effect that I tackled” says Bartalos. I began by getting a store bought medical grade skeleton. I then molded its face and created a cement “positive�� which allowed me to sculpt on new features. I gave the illusion that the eyes had dried into their sockets, that the skin collapsed around the bones’ high points, and that the overall texture was dried and decomposing. I then molded my facial sculptures and ran them in foam rubber. These pieces I now was able to apply to the skeleton’s face, custom made prosthetics for a skull! I added stringy white and grey hair and painted the whole skeleton with parched colors (a lot of grey and umber tones). At the same time Jim was we waist of the skeleton. He installed a cool pneumatic rig that allowed the skeleton to sit up on its own when activated. He also added a mechanism inside the jaw, so it could chomp down on one of the students’ fingers. For this effect I made a fake hand that had a blood tube concealed inside of it. In closeup you see the “Mummy” bite down on the fake hand and pierce the finger. In the wide shot it was the real actor (Scott Bankston] with his finger bent back with a prosthetic stump attached and plenty of flowing blood.

I did most of the on set gore effects. There is a scene where a lovely young lady [Damon Merrill] gets attacked by snakes while she takes a bath. I was tasked with applying nine different prosthetics to her entire body that simulated the snake bites. Right before cameras rolled, I added fresh blood dripping from the puncture holes and spritzed it with water. The added water over the blood made for a very real “bloody wet look.” One of my favorite effects was the “Night Watch-Man” character that is established as a junk food over-eater. I created a “wrap-around” prosthetic that gave the illusion that mysterious forces have slammed copious amounts of food down his throat. Once I applied this burst neck prosthetic, I placed various hard candies in the open wound: Smarties, Mints, Twizzlers, etc. Good fun.

The Lamp features a reanimated mummy, an animated skeleton and some gore FX as well, all done by Los Angeles’ Reel EFX The major effect is a 26-foot-tall genie-and, unlike the genies usually encountered in popular fiction, this one is anything but benevolent.

Hewitt’s most spectacular effect involved an animated scene in which the vaporous genie flies out of the lamp into a swimming pool, reaches up out of the water, and jerks an actor down by the legs. His favorite FX scene in the picture, however, is one that is mostly mechanical. “It’s the mummy scene in the museum, when the mummy bites the boy’s fingers off and then sits up and bites him in the throat,” he says. “The only thing we did there was right at the beginning of the scene, when the boy and the girl are running through the museum.

We added the possession part, where the green vapor flies into the room real quick and just for a split second you see the skull of the mummy glow. All we did was enhance the stuff the guys at Reel EFX did. Physical and optical effects work really well together, and when you can put the two together it really sells the effect much better.”

Like the rest of the cast and crew, Hewitt worked under time constraints, finishing the opticals in five weeks. And, though he laughs about “rotoscoping on an airplane” in order to make his deadline, he found working on The Lamp a pleasant experience. “You couldn’t ask for a nicer guy to work with than Warren Chaney,” he states. “He was real open to suggestions. He really knows the pictures back to the silent days, all the effects pictures, so we had a great deal of fun together.”

For Deborah Winters, star of such mainstream films as Kotch and Class of ’44 as well as the recent TV miniseries Winds of War, working with makeup FX was a new experience-and a not altogether pleasant one. The interesting thing is that if she could’ve found an Arab woman in Houston, she probably would have been spared.

“I had all the agents looking, and they would send me an Italian woman, and a Mexican woman, and it just didn’t work out,” recalls Winters, whose previous horror movie experience includes 1976’s Blue Sunshine. “So Warren said one day, ‘Well, I don’t know what we’re going to do. I guess we’re just going to have to have Martin Becker’s people handle this as another special effect.’ And I said, “OK, that’s fine,’ because I was fed up with the whole thing of trying to find somebody,” she laughs. “Then Warren said, ‘You can do it.’ I said, ‘I can do it?’ He said, ‘Sure. You can change your voice and no one will even recognize you; it’ll save us a lot of money and you can forget about it.’” That was how Winters found herself encased in five hours worth of makeup for four shooting days, after flying to Los Angeles and getting a head and torso cast.

“Doing makeup FX in a movie is tough,” she affirms. “I really had no idea. Between the contact lenses and the makeup, and having to sit around and wait until you can’t move and you can’t eat. . . At one point, there was smoke involved in a scene, and the FX guys blew smoke in my face and I couldn’t breathe. It was an experience. But the worst of it was the two hours it took to remove the makeup. Believe me, it was very painful. I had my Early Times with me. After doing this thing, I don’t think we could’ve found anybody that would’ve wanted to go through it.

“It was worth it, of course,” she adds. “But one day Warren told me, ‘Maybe we can do a sequel with the old lady,’ and I said, ‘Listen, brother-if you do a sequel, you can play the old lady.'”

Winters also portrays the old lady as a young girl in the prologue, and has a major role as the museum curator’s paramour. The curator is played by James Huston, and his daughter is Andra St. Ivanyi, a student at the University of Houston who gets high marks from both Chaney and Fred Kuehnert for her performance. Chaney also speaks very highly of Hollywood Optical Systems, the LA outfit that created the optical FX for The Lamp. Fans of low-budget horror and science fiction will recall Optical’s boss, David Hewitt, as the director behind the threadbare ’60s epics Journey to the Center of Time, Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors and The Mighty Gorga. For The Lamp, he and coworkers Bill Humphrey and Larry Arpin added more than 50 optical FX in post-production and, admits Chaney with a laugh, “saved my rear in a couple of places.”

RELEASE/DISTRIBUTION/DELETED SCENES According to Warren Chaney, The Lamp was the title of the film as sent to distribution. H.I.T. Films separated U.S. domestic from overseas and so “two films” were born: “The Lamp” and “The Outing.” Skouras Pictures took the pic as The Lamp and released it in theaters in the overseas markets; TMS (The Movie Store) was the domestic distributor and wanted to cut 18 minutes out of the film in order that it could run “one more time” in the theaters. The original film ran 102 minutes but after their cut, it was reduced to 86 minutes. Now, their method for editing left a lot to be desired: they merely took a pair of scissors and cut 18 minutes off the front end; they tacked on some “cheap” credits and ripped off some of John’s music (John Carpenter] and they had a pic that would run 4 or 5 times per day instead of 3. Reviews for the original were pretty good; reviews for The Outing were much less so-and I agreed with the critics.

There were some longer shots of the genie that were cut out of the original scenes but later reinserted by the studio. My belief has always been that the “less you show” the greater the fear since people worry about what they can’t see. I wanted to film much less of the physical genie; Tom wanted to film more of the creature and so shot a great deal more footage in production. When I did the final edit however, I cut much of it out but as fate would have it, both distributors (Skouras Pictures and TMS) agreed with Tom and edited much of it back into the picture. I have always believed that when you are filming creatures “less is more,” but given the success both distributors had with the film, it’s hard for me to argue against them.

Five scenes were cut from the opening of the film. The opening scenes set the picture up to be a “tall tale”—there was considerably more detail about the ship, its cargo, and what happened on the way over (however, there were no hints as to the cause … you heard the screams and the helmsman lashing himself to the wheel). In a later scene (cut from the movie), one of the hoods (played by Hank Amigo, Brian Floores and Michelle Watkins] while delivering groceries, hears the old lady talking to the lamp. It occurred prior to the scenes where she was killed. That scene set up the “killers,” her, and her mystical aspects which is misunderstood by the thugs as her having a lot of money. When the scenes were cut, the picture opened in what was probably the poorest directed segment of the film: the scenes with the hoods in the van, on the way to the old woman’s house (if I had known this, I would have destroyed that part of the print). As a consequence, there was no “logic” to the film’s story from that point forward.

The end of the movie was trimmed (some 3 minutes). The museum director’s daughter [Andra St. Ivanyi) was being taken to a local hospital (explained by Detective Charles). Given the circumstances of the killings in the museum, the police are keeping her under guard. The teacher [Deborah Winters] remains to answer questions. There is a scene of a delivery truck delivering cases of soda. When the driver handles the cases, the bottles jingle, producing the sounds of the “evil-bracelet.” What was cut earlier was a quick scene early in the film when the driver is doing the same thing as the kids enter the museum. Andra St. Ivanyi looks at the truck and then at her bracelet. At the close of the film, the same thing happens, only now it’s a deathly reminder the girl of what happened. What was cut in the final scene was the close up of the bottles clinking together and making the bracelet sound.

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CAST/CREW Directed by   Tom Daley Produced by Warren Chaney Written by     Warren Chaney

Deborah Winters as Eve Ferrell / Young Arab Woman / Old Arab Woman James Huston as Dr. Wallace Andra St. Ivanyi as Alex Wallace Scott Bankston as Ted Pinson Red Mitchell as Mike Daley (as Mark Mitchell) André Chimène as Tony Greco Charity Merrill as Babs

Makeup Department John Blake    …       special makeup effects artist Ron Clark     …       hair stylist / makeup artist Thomas Floutz        …       special makeup effects artist William Forsche       …       special makeup effects artist (as Bill Forsche) Rick Jones    …       hair stylist / makeup artist Brian Wade   …       special makeup effects artist Gabriel Bartalos      …       special effects makeup Barbara Anne Bock …       special effects makeup Nichael Boggio        …       special effects makeup Jack Bridwell …       special effects contact lenses Lesley Chaney        …       special effects assistant Paul Clemens          …       special effects makeup William Forsche       …       special effects makeup (as Bill Forsche) Jim Gill         …       special effects makeup Tom Hartigan          …       special effects assistant Frankie Inez  …       special effects supervisor / special effects: California Bettie Kauffman      …       special effects coordinator Richard Mayone      …       special effects makeup James McLoughlin  …       special effects makeup Bart Mixon    …       special effects makeup Frank ‘Paco’ Munoz …       special effects mechanical supervisor John Naulin   …       special effects makeup: California Steven Summerfield          …       special effects makeup Christopher Swift     …       special effects makeup coordinator (as Chris Swift) Brian Wade   …       special effects makeup

CREDITS/REFERENCES/SOURCES/BIBLIOGRAPHY Fangoria#67 Cinefantastique v17n01 It Came from the 80s! Francesco Borseti

The Outing (1987) Retrospective SUMMARY In 1893, a young woman wears a magical bracelet and the dark shadow of an evil jinni (genie) looms over a bloody scene, foreshadowing the violence to come.

#80sFilms #80sHORROR

[coffee-and-kpop]

1-100

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?more cereal than milk. i hate when my cereal is soggy

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?omg yes so much

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?the edges of notebook paper i’ve torn off, pokemon cards

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?tea: if it’s black, a little cream and sugar. if it’s green, with a little lemon juice. if it’s flavored, with some honeycoffee: anyone, honestly. sometimes black with a little sugar, sometimes heavy on the flavored creamer. i’ll drink coffee anyway

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?not of my smile, no

6: do you keep plants?i do indeed have a plant. i planted one with my great-grandmother thirteen years ago and i’ve still got it now

7: do you name your plants?i’ve just recently named her, yes. her name is Joan after my great-gma

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?hmmm, i just really love painting. i’ll paint with anything!

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?for sure

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?side

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?so my friends and i used to say ‘take off the visor’ when you should just go for it and talk to your crush because there was this twin i had a crush on and his brother wore HIDEOUS visors everyday and it was just really funny

12: what's your favorite planet?mars

13: what's something that made you smile today?my nine year old sister started singing bad and boujee today at dinner

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?an actual mess, lol. it would be super cheap, all brick. we’d have a fuck chart of the gossip girl cast hanging in our living room where the tv should be, a totally stocked kitchen, lots of christian paraphernalia, tons of art pieces, and weird sayings we’d heard that wouldn’t make sense to anyone but us

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!all of space is completely silent

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?tortellini in marinara cream sauce

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?blonde, but i would never

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.hmmm probs all my tinder escapades....

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?not really, but i carry around a notebook that i write down all my thoughts/things i need to remember in!

20: what's your favorite eye color?blue/grey/green

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.lol, this is probably my bookbag. it’s not necessarily my fav, but it’s been with me for six/seven years. it’s a green north face (jester) and it’s got a huge hole in the bottom where some things fall through but it’s tough as nails

22: are you a morning person?hell no

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?watch netflix, blog, write, eat, read

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?not anymore, nope

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?i really didn’t break into this place, but i used to work at a pool as a lifeguard and we would swim A LOT after hours there

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?my chacos

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?spearmint

28: sunrise or sunset?sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?my roommate is an landscape architect major and she’s so tiny and cute but every time we say something shocking to her she makes this scoffing noise that we only associate with her

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?yes

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.i HATE sleeping in socks, i try to wear funky socks as much as possible. i don’t own a single pair of white socks

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.my friends and i like to go see the rocky horror picture show, which starts at midnight, so we just get up to all kinds of shit in ATL late at night

33: what's your fave pastry?coffee cake

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?OMG so fun story i had this best friend when i was in kindergarten-3rd grade and then he moved away and i was so sad but anyway for my 5th birthday he got me two stuffed horses and their names are Brownie and Blackie and i still sleep with them every night and he and i just recently got back in touch last semester omg

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?oh yes, i love them. i’m a huge study porn girl, although i don’t use them that much

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?death cab for cutie

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?hella messy

38: tell us about your pet peeves!MY ROOMMATE SMACKS AND I HATE IT SM

39: what color do you wear the most?black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?i have a gold cross necklace that was my great-grandfather’s and my nana passed it down to me the morning before i left for a trip to europe and it was super emotional

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?i really, truly adored redeeming love

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!it’s called Two Story and it’s literally two stories and none of the couches match, it’s always packed and the rooms are a tight squeeze, the roof is slanted so you have to bend down, but the coffee is very unique

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?i don’t know if this is the last person, but i remember vividly gazing at the stars with my cousin while we were in our bras outside

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?have i ever? 

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?yes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.don’t trust atoms, they make up everything

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?twinkies god

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?clowns and escalators; no it’s not

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?yes, although i have no where to play them. the last CD i bought was the weeknd’s beauty behind the madness

50: what's an odd thing you collect?candles, and i keep the empty jars after i’m finished burning them

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?hmmm i associate any john meyer song with my mom

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?honestly dark kermit will always be my favorite

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?I LOVE ROCKY HORROR; never watched heathers; hated beetlejuice; loved pulp fiction

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?i don’t know; maybe my boss at work??

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?idk i think i just yell A LOT

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?i love people who smile at their phones, athletes, girls who always look so cute and wear make up to class

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?nostalgic; of course i dramatically sang the lyrics

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?my roommate, Syd, is the wine mom. she’s always so judgmental omg; i think i’m the vodka aunt like let’s be real; vodka is life and i’m the only one that parties

59: what's your favorite myth?i like any sort of sea monster myth

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?yes, annabel lee will always be my favorite

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?one time i gave my cousin the end of her charger my cat chewed up; my little sister gave me my own necklace for christmas that she got out of my jewelry box

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?no

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?oh, they’re all so organized that’s the only thing i can keep together in my life

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?v dark; keep of a deep blackish indigo

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?my best friend from high school; she’s been in peru for seven months

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?lots of peonies and snap dragons; it would probs be pink and purple

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?i really love days like these; they make me feel alive and awake - like i can breathe deeply

68: what's winter like where you live?weird; it’ll snow a tiny bit one week and be 70 the next week; although it only snows once here. they’re not very cold at all

69: what are your favorite board games?clue, life

70: have you ever used a ouija board?no

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?earl gray, chai tea

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?omfg yes i forget EVERYTHING

73: what are some of your worst habits?i forget everything, i lose everything, i wait until the last minute to do anything

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.traditional Christianity, ballet pink, hip hop, zico, natural curls

75: tell us about your pets!ohhh ramsey; she’s currently laying in between my legs purring while i type this. she’s black and white; a tuxedo kitten. she’s been pretty hellish right now; getting into so much trouble but she makes me feel like i’ve always got someone there with me

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?my korean hw, or sleeping

77: pink or yellow lemonade?yellow

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?fanclub

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?@sarangkaeyon put me in her fan fic today and i cried, @lightly-ardently made me think about jungkook sending me anons, @omgbigbangtanboys in everything (esp. the jungkook anon ship:))

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?they’re white; i rent so no i didn’t choose them

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.they’re cloudy, mystic; they look like raindrops caught on the sidewalk, right after they fall from thunderclouds

82: are/were you good in school?i’m above average, i would say

83: what's some of your favorite album art?all time low’s don’t panic

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?yes, so far i’m getting flowers for my great-grandmother and a quote from her book, and a tattoo of the world marked with the countries i’ve been to

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?lol no i didn’t

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?YES ; the beatles - sgt. pepper’s lonely hearts club band

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?cloud atlas, the notebook, courageous

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?i love hip hop dances, i love when singer use their hands while they’re singing

89: are you close to your parents?yes

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.it was messy, but the air of beauty surrounds you; it’s all hardlines and classic gold - a huge mixture of old and new; sleek and dull, as the clock watches you like an eye; 

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?i’m not sure that i have any travel plans this year

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?i’m a sprinkle person

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?a ponytail

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?a member of my sorority who’s one of my close friends

95: what are your plans for this weekend?NOTHING OMG

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?i procrastinate them a lot

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?intj-t, aries, gryffindor

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?a couple years ago; we woke up at 4 and hiked a mountain at sunrise - it was one of the best times of my life

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.therapy - all time low, oh well - maybe parade, drops of jupiter - train

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?probably in the future, because i’d love to see who i am 5 years from now. and, 5 years ago i was in a completely different place than rn and i def don’t want to go back to sophomore year of high school

[nostalgiaispeace]

1596.

1601. What’s on your key chain besides keys? those little store card things and a laser pointer

1602. How do you feel about endangered species? makes me sad

1603. What was the last CD you bought? i don’t recall

1604. Do you like feather pillows? sure

1605. How about water beds? no

1606. Who or what do you feel the deepest responsibility towards? my husband

1607. How long is forever? .....forever...

1608. Who is your favorite family member? my sister

1609. Who would you be afraid to have angry at you? my husband

1610. Does this survey feel like it will never end? probably

1611. Have you ever eaten any kind of food off of someone else’s body? no

1612. Do you like the direction your life is going in? no

1613. Are you a traditional person? yeah

1614. Have you ever felt like the victim of societal injustice? no

1615. What feelings or thoughts do you repress? all of them

1616. What makes you feel ecstatic? a new book

1617. What was your biggest mistake in the past three months? trying to die

1618. York Peppermint Patti or Reece’s Peanut butter Cups? reese’s

1619. What are your feelings, if any, about Hugh Hefner? no feelings

1620. What is your specialty? lol nothing

1621. Have you ever had a stalker? yeah

1622. Have you ever been a stalker? No

1623. Ideally, how far would you like to live from your nearest neighbor?? miles

1624. What would you do if a teacher accused you of cheating when you really weren’t? - Or if that doesn’t apply to you.. What would you do if a manager accused you of stealing when you really weren’t? ask them to prove it

1625. What store would you most like a $10,000 (about 5900 British pounds) gift certificate to? a bookstore

1626. What would you most like to reincarnate as? a cat

1627. What’s in your undie draw…besides undies? bras

1628. How many languages can you say HELLO in? 3?

1629. If your whole country had to listen to you talk for ten minutes what would you talk about? mental illness

1630. Do you have a guardian angel? no

1631. Do you smoke? yeah

1632. Who is more successful, Bill gates or Mother Theresa? both

1633. What band T-shirts do you own? a crap ton

1634. What is your favorite thing that is red? candles

1635. Have you ever worn mismatched socks on purpose? yeah

1636. Do you check nutrition labels? i try not to

1637. Most Mcdonalds value meals are about 1,500 calories (the amount of calories an average person needs in one whole day) and over 1,000 of those calories are from fat. What do you think about this? it’s whatever 1638. If you could delete someone’s diary would you if: They didn’t agree with you? no

They were rude/obnoxious to you? yeah

They wrote rude entries? no

1639. Have you ever worn: A dress or a skirt if you are a guy? -

A tie if you are a girl? No

1640. Do you trust people at restraunts who handle your food that they aren’t doing anything gross to it while you can’t see them? mostly

1641. How do you wear your hair each day? mostly down

1642. Have you ever worn: A gas mask? No

A blindfold? i think so

1643. Would you be willing to go hang gliding? no

1644. What is the difference between a man’s button down shirt and a woman’s button down shirt?  i dunno

1645. Have you ever taken a lock of someone else’s hair? no

1646. Have you ever given anyone a lock of your hair? No

1647. If you had a locket what would you put inside? a pic of me and my husband

1648. Is blood a turn on for you? no

1649. Have you ever written anything in your own blood? yeah

1650. Have you ever drank, slurped or licked someone else’s blood? no

1669. What is your opinion of the current political climate in your country? it’s a mess

1670. In some high schools attendance of pep rallies is mandatory. How would you feel in this situation? i liked it because i didn’t have to be in class lol

1671. Could you possibly fall in love with a prostitute? probably not

1672. What do you think of these names: Elton: meh

Billy: ew

Dwayne: ew

Betsy: ew

Liz: meh

Linda: ew

1673. What is one situation you want to avoid ever happening to you? i dunno

1674. Low fat or fat free? low fat

1675. Are you cowardly? mostly

1676. Do you ever feel less than fresh? yeah

1677. Whose number is 867-5309? omgshhhhh that 80s song

1678. Have you ever written something on a bathroom wall? No

1679. When was the last time you fell down in public? idk

1680. Are you more aggressive or mellow? mellow

1681. What have you done with your self to keep your life worth living? i wish i could think of something

1682. What is the most incredible thing you can do? idk

1683. Do you bury your pets, flush them, or throw them away? ummm i buried a pup and cremated my cat

1684. Do you get embarrassed when someone shows off baby pictures of you? no

1685. Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? my husband and my mom

1686. What’s your favorite thing that is yellow? idk

1687. Do you take any vitamins or drugs? meds

1688. What’s the coolest HTML code you know? i don’t remember lol

1689. If you had to change your diary name what would you change it to? i don’t name my diary

1690. Do you want to grow old with someone? yes

1691. Do you ever read entries titled ‘leave notes’? -

1692. Do you ever read entries titled ‘please read’? -

1693. Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons? No

1694. Have you ever played Magic the Gathering? No

1695. Have you ever played Vampire the Masquerade? No

1696. Have you ever played Risk? Yeah

1697. Of the above mentioned four games which one is most appealing to you? risk

1698. What have you complained for so long about having to do that you could’ve accomplished it by the time you were finished complaining? lol everything

1699. When was the last time you went out of your way to be cheerful and friendly, even when you felt like punching everyone around you? idk

1700. Do you treat others better or worse than yourself and why? better because i hate myself

#me #survey

[surveystodestressme]

67.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 17

1601. What’s on your key chain besides keys? key fob 1602. How do you feel about endangered species? it’s pretty sad honestly.  i wish that wasn’t a thing 1603. What was the last CD you bought? probably 3oh!3 like ten years ago or so 1604. Do you like feather pillows? not really 1605. How about water beds? no, i can’t imagine if it popped and water got everywhere or i drowned

1606. Who or what do you feel the deepest responsibility towards? my cat 1607. How long is forever? its forever 1608. Who is your favorite family member? i dont have one 1609. Who would you be afraid to have angry at you? my boyfriend 1610. Does this survey feel like it will never end? pretty much 1611. Have you ever eaten any kind of food off of someone else’s body? not that i remember 1612. Do you like the direction your life is going in? yeah so far so good 1613. Are you a traditional person? nah 1614. Have you ever felt like the victim of societal injustice? yes. 1615. What feelings or thoughts do you repress? i only repress my anger only bc it’s not safe for me to let my anger out all the time 1616. What makes you feel ecstatic? new things to come 1617. What was your biggest mistake in the past three months? buying the car that i bought 1618. York Peppermint Patti or Reece’s Peanut butter Cups? york for sure 1619. What are your feelings, if any, about Hugh Hefner? i don’t have many for him.  he was a cool dude i guess, very successful and lucky he got to be around so may beautiful women all the time 1620. What is your specialty? reading 1621. Have you ever had a stalker? nope. 1622. Have you ever been a stalker? no 1623. Ideally, how far would you like to live from your nearest neighbor?? i don’t care either way. 1624. What would you do if a teacher accused you of cheating when you really weren’t? Or if that doesn’t apply to you.. What would you do if a manager accused you of stealing when you really weren’t? first i would ask why they think i was cheating/stealing.  then i would ask for proof and i’d assure them that i wasn’t cheating/stealing 1625. What store would you most like a $10,000 (about 5900 British pounds) gift certificate to? probably kohls or dsw lol 1626. What would you most like to reincarnate as? a cat or dog 1627. What’s in your undie draw…besides undies? socks and bras 1628. How many languages can you say HELLO in? several 1629. If your whole country had to listen to you talk for ten minutes what would you talk about? probably nothing special. 1630. Do you have a guardian angel? maybe 1631. Do you smoke? used to 1632. Who is more successful, Bill gates or Mother Theresa? both are 1633. What band T-shirts do you own? twenty one pilots, five finger death punch, front porch step, mackelmore, alabama shakes 1634. What is your favorite thing that is red? lipstick. 1635. Have you ever worn mismatched socks on purpose? yes. 1636. Do you check nutrition labels? only when i’m bored 1637. Most Mcdonalds value meals are about 1,500 calories (the amount of calories an average person needs in one whole day) and over 1,000 of those calories are from fat. What do you think about this? thats a lot of calories 1638. If you could delete someone’s diary would you if: They didn’t agree with you? They were rude/obnoxious to you? They wrote rude entries? maybe if they were rude 1639. Have you ever worn: A dress or a skirt if you are a guy? A tie if you are a girl? around my head lol but not around my neck 1640. Do you trust people at restraunts who handle your food that they aren’t doing anything gross to it while you can’t see them? i mean, yes and no.  i used to work in a restaurant so i’ve seen some of the nasty shit that restaurant workers do to food, but i know that not everyone is like that 1641. How do you wear your hair each day? sometimes i style it and sometimes i dont 1642. Have you ever worn: A gas mask? no. A blindfold? no 1643. Would you be willing to go hang gliding? heck yes 1644. What is the difference between a man’s button down shirt and a woman’s button down shirt? nothing? 1645. Have you ever taken a lock of someone else’s hair? no 1646. Have you ever given anyone a lock of your hair? no. 1647. If you had a locket what would you put inside? a photo probably 1648. Is blood a turn on for you? no??? 1649. Have you ever written anything in your own blood? no 1650. Have you ever drank, slurped or licked someone else’s blood? wtf is up with all these blood questions 1669. What is your opinion of the current political climate in your country? uh, what happened to questions 1651-1668? 1670. In some high schools attendance of pep rallies is mandatory. How would you feel in this situation? i wouldnt care either way 1671. Could you possibly fall in love with a prostitute? im currently in a relationship so no 1672. What do you think of these names: Elton: i like it Billy: boring Dwayne: not bad Betsy: sounds like an old lady Liz: my trainer at sns’s name Linda: sounds like a soccer mom name who would always ask to speak to a manager 1673. What is one situation you want to avoid ever happening to you? seeing someone die 1674. Low fat or fat free? low fat i guess 1675. Are you cowardly? sometimes 1676. Do you ever feel less than fresh? rarely. 1677. Whose number is 867-5309? idk. 1678. Have you ever written something on a bathroom wall? yeah 1679. When was the last time you fell down in public? very recently 1680. Are you more aggressive or mellow? aggressive 1681. What have you done with your self to keep your life worth living? idk. 1682. What is the most incredible thing you can do? be happy and make other people happy 1683. Do you bury your pets, flush them, or throw them away? bury 1684. Do you get embarrassed when someone shows off baby pictures of you? i dont really care 1685. Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? idk my mom maybe 1686. What’s your favorite thing that is yellow? the sun 1687. Do you take any vitamins or drugs? birth control but thats it 1688. What’s the coolest HTML code you know? idk. 1689. If you had to change your diary name what would you change it to? - 1690. Do you want to grow old with someone? yes. 1691. Do you ever read entries titled ‘leave notes’? no. 1692. Do you ever read entries titled 'please read’? no. 1693. Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons? i have and i really liked it 1694. Have you ever played Magic the Gathering? no. 1695. Have you ever played Vampire the Masquerade? no. 1696. Have you ever played Risk? yes 1697. Of the above mentioned four games which one is most appealing to you? d&d 1698. What have you complained for so long about having to do that you could’ve accomplished it by the time you were finished complaining? yeah 1699. When was the last time you went out of your way to be cheerful and friendly, even when you felt like punching everyone around you? idk 1700. Do you treat others better or worse than yourself and why? depends

#bored #quiz #questions #survey